This is the most complete guide to getting your ex boyfriend back online.
So, if you want to:
- Understand what your overall chances with your ex are
- Grasp the negative stigma that surrounds getting an ex back
- Learn why most exes don’t want to come back to you
- Learn about the science of breakups
- Realize the actual reasons your ex may have broken up with you
- Identify the red flags you should keep an eye out for to NOT get your ex back
- Identify the legitimate reasons you should get an ex back
- Learn how long it will take to see success in getting an ex back
- Uncover the most successful strategy for winning an ex back
- Harness the power of regret
- Gain emotional control after your breakup
- Learn about the value ladder and the value chain
- Use the no contact rule to get an ex back
- Become the ungettable girl after a breakup
- Understand the proper way to text your ex
- Harness the ability to talk on the phone with your ex
- Learn how to handle in person interactions
- Learn how to make your ex commit again
- Learn how to handle situations where your ex doesn’t want to commit
- Grasp how to deal with social media after a breakup
- Handle holidays and special occasions
- Realize the big mistakes people make during breakups
- Learn exactly how to handle all the special circumstances in breakups
- Hear from success stories from our method
- What to do after you’ve gotten your ex back
Wow, that’s a lot, huh?
Well, if you’re interested in all of that then you’re going to love this guide.
Let’s dive right in.
What Are Your Actual Chances Of Getting Your Ex Back?
This may make you upset, but it’s the truth. I can’t guarantee that you are going to get your ex boyfriend back, I just can’t.
We are dealing with a male human being here and as much as I would love to be able to just make him desperate to get back with you, I don’t have the mind control powers that so many others in this “how to get your ex boyfriend back” community seem to have!
Seriously though, if you see any book, product or article that guarantees that it can get you your ex back 100% of the time you should stop and realize that you are probably about to look at something that was made up just to get you to buy it or read it. Ironically, a lot of the stuff out there that makes these ridiculous claims offer no value and leave you feeling taken advantage of.
So, let’s start at the beginning and talk about what your overall chances of getting your ex back are.
What Studies Say Your Basic Chances Are Of A Reconciliation
A few years ago I recorded a podcast episode where I talked about the exact chances of getting back together after a breakup are.
The goal for doing this was pretty simple.
I wanted to make sure that I established a baseline of what the average chances of reconciliation were in general so I could compare how my program stacked up.
Was my program increasing the chances?
Was it making it worse?
I didn’t have the answers. So, I went out and researched it. The only hard fast rule I had was that every source I pulled from that researched “chances” had to be backed up by a legitimate study.
After scouring the internet for hours I only found four studies I felt confident met the criteria I set up.
- WE-TV Associated Press Breakup Study
- University of Texas Study
- Kansas State University Study
- Study From The Journal of Adolescent Research
Of course, there was a pretty big flaw with the studies. Technically speaking the four studies didn’t exactly show a reconciliation. Instead, it showed intent.
In other words, it measured how often individuals want their exes back after a breakup.
It didn’t measure how often they actually went back to their exes.
Nevertheless, it was the best I could find. I imagine as this field gains more attention in the future more legitimate studies will be done measuring more than intent.
So, after I found these four studies I averaged them all together and came up with the following conclusion.
48.25% of individuals want their exes back after a breakup.
Take that however you want but I take it as there’s a 48% chance that your ex will at some point consider the possibility of getting back together with you.
Of course, I still haven’t answered the million dollar question.
How Does Our Method Compare To The Average?
So, there’s quite a few numbers to look at here but if I’m being totally honest I want to paint myself in the best light so I want to pull out the big guns.
In other words, I’d only like to look at our coaching results. Now, before I start bragging I want to point out that our coaching clients are getting a premium service.
Not only do we know their exact situation but we are on zoom with them for an hour giving them specific advice about what they should be doing next and my head coach Anna is known for going crazy with giving them extensive homework.
Add in the fact that a good portion of our clients sign up for a followup call to get extra advice and you have a recipe for success.
Ok, so enough beating around the bush.
What do our real numbers look like?
In 2018, my wife (when she was a coach for Ex Boyfriend Recovery) and I took on a total of 10 high end clients that year.
7 out of 10 of them got their exes back.
Is this normal?
Absolutely not. We put a lot of effort into those clients and those type of results aren’t typical.
Of course, one can argue that it’s because of our personal attention that our clients got such great results.
And they have a point.
But what if I were to tell you that our head coach, Coach Anna has better results?
Not only has she maintained the same 7 out of 10 success rate but she actually has eclipsed it if you include clients who went through our program and decided they didn’t want their exes back anymore. If you include those individuals the success rate is actually 9 out of 10.
Now, I’m aware of the fact that this sounds too good to be true and as I point out above it kind of is. We are only looking at our coaching clients who have the benefit of us to hold them accountable but what this should do is make you excited about the fact that we believe we have found a strategy that can significantly raise your chances of getting your ex back.
And today I’m going to show you exactly how that strategy works from start to finish.
The Negative Stigma That Surrounds Getting An Ex Back
Now, before we dive into the psychology and strategies of what actually works to get an ex back I think it’s important to talk about a part of this process that most people sweep under the rug.
I’m going to go ahead and raise my hand here because I am definitely guilty of doing this.
So, what is this part of the process that no one wants to talk about?
When you embark upon a quest to get your ex back people aren’t going to agree with it.
This will often put you at odds with friends or family and it can be incredibly difficult.
Why Society Hates Exes Getting Back Together?
Most people have a strong belief that exes are exes for a reason.
In other words, you just bring about more pain and suffering when you try to get an ex back because it’s doomed to fail.
I know this because I personally get attacked in my YouTube videos all the time for perpetuating this problem or “trying to take advantage of broken hearted people.”
For a long time this is something I’ve struggled with because by no means am I trying to take advantage of anyone. I’m simply trying to get to the bottom of what works.
But ultimately to expect friends of family to be supportive might be a little much. Many of them might not agree or even want you to get back with your ex.
In some cases they might be right (we’re going to talk about what those cases are) but in most cases I find that they form an opinion on the subject without actually experiencing it themselves.
Sometimes you have a situation where a friend or family member will project their own poor experience with an ex onto you.
Here’s my ultimate point on this, relationships are incredibly personal and each one is unique.
Don’t despair if your friends or family don’t agree with you getting your ex back. Again, we are going to talk about those red flag cases where you shouldn’t be trying to get them back.
Instead, what you should do is get them to read this article which one of my team members wrote to help prepare them for how to help you on the journey you’re about to embark upon.
Oh, and there’s one other thing I’ve noticed about this weird stigma.
The Irony Of Ex Boyfriends Vs. Broken Marriages
At its core getting an ex back is about fixing a broken relationship.
Most people have this idea that once an ex is an ex they should stay an ex forever.
We’ve proven above that not everyone is able to follow this advice but what’s fascinating is when you compare that to people who are married and seeking divorces.
The same society who scoffs at the idea of getting an ex back will applaud a couple who is seeking therapy to save their marriage.
At its core the situation is identical.
Just food for thought in case one of your friends or family members was giving you a hard time.
Let’s move on and talk about the real reason exes break up with you.
Most Exes Won’t Want To Get Back Together With You
Ok, let’s get this out of the way.
You’re here because you probably want your ex back. What we’ve learned over the years is that your ex probably doesn’t want you back.
Now, that my be a hard pill to swallow but it’s true.
So, in this section we’re going to talk a little bit about the psychology of understanding your ex boyfriend.
What Is The Thought Process Of A Man Going Through A Breakup?
At it’s core a breakup is one party telling another party that they think they can do better.
Which is kind of an odd way of looking at it but I’ve personally found that when it comes to romantic relationships we tend to skew on the more selfish side.
A few weeks ago I filmed this video where I talked about altruism vs psychological egoists.
Basically, I shined my lens on a hotly contested debate between philosophers.
One side believes that altruism exists and it is possible to be selfless.
Another side believes that every action human beings take is selfish.
Now, while it may initially seem there isn’t a lot of overlap I think there’s actually a ton when it comes to explaining the mindset of a dumper going through a breakup.
I’m not saying that I believe altruism doesn’t exist (I think it does) but what I will say is that I don’t think you see much altruism in romantic relationship.
If anything we tend to be harsh when we look for life partners. It’s all about maximizing the benefits and minimizing the costs.
You often see this when you look at the rapid fire questions I get on my podcast whenever I dedicate an episode to answering them.
The other day I was prowling around my private Facebook support group and was struck as I witnessed one of my male clients tell a story about his ex girlfriend.
She had broken up with him because she found out he had a disease that wasn’t easily cured. Now she’s with a new guy and as he gets worse news and tries to tell her she literally tells him,
“I don’t care, We’re not together anymore.”
What is going on here that makes her responses so venomous. Well, let’s operate under the assumption that she is making selfish relationship decisions.
While I’m not privy to all the details of how the breakup went down exactly I think it’s safe to assume that her finding out he had this disease was a factor.
So, if we take that thread and walk all the way to the core what can we infer about this ex?
Simply put, she broke up with him to protect herself from being heartbroken.
It’s a defense mechanism.
It’s also all out of self interest.
This is important concept for you to grasp because if you begin to look at your ex from this lens it will allow you to understand what went wrong in your relationship from their perspective.
It will also show you how to get them back.
But before we go there let’s get the boring stuff out of the way first.
The Science of Breakups
Alright, where do we start with the science of breakups?
The challenge with sections like this is they tend to drag. Sure, some may find this interesting but more often than not most people will skip this section and one on to the next one.
So, I’m going to do my best to keep this interesting.
If you want the full details in all their glory one of my team members wrote an amazing set of articles called,
Not only will those go in much greater detail than what I’m going to provide to you right here but they’ll also answer things like why you’re randomly thinking about your ex and why you have such trouble sleeping at night after a breakup.
What Happens In The Brain When You Experience A Breakup
So, in order to explain this properly we need to study the chemicals that reside within our body that our brain is capable of producing.
- Triggers the release of glucose into the blood stream
- Increases blood pressure, heart rate, mental alertness, respiratory rate
- Prepares for fight or flight
- Mood balancer
- Regulates appetite
- Aids digestion
- Regulates sleep
- Improves memory
- Regulates sex drive
- Mediates pleasure
- Affects motor skills
- Improves memory, ability to learn, quality of sleep, mood
- Antidiuretic – reduces urination
- Released during pleasurable moments
- Drives one to seek out more pleasure in food, sex or drugs
- Regulates social behavior, sex drive, maternal desires, responses to stress
- Inspires pair bonding
- During elevated spikes its effects last only 16-24 minutes
- Increases water retention
- Also known as the cuddle hormone or the love hormone
- Assists in maternal functions, such as childbirth and breastfeeding
- Elevated during the first six months of a relationship
- allievates anxiety
- Increases likeliness of a romantic attachment
- The reason for the desire to be monogamous
- Released in response to stress
- Supresses immune system
- Increases glucose production
- Antidiuretic – reduces urination
Now, here’s where things get really complicated. Each of these chemicals has a different rate at which they are released based on the experiences during a relationship.
The best way I’ve ever seen this represented is actually through those two articles I mentioned above so I’m just going to steal from there.
At the beginning of your relationship this is what the spread of chemicals looks like:
In the middle of your relationship that spread changes to this:
And at the end of your relationship, when you’re going though a breakup, the spread looks like this:
So, what’s going on here?
Simply put every single chemical level drops except one, cortisol.
If we go to our handy explainer pictures above for each of the chemicals you’ll realize that cortisol is released in response to stress.
Pretty nuts, right?
This explains all the crazy things you’ve probably been feeling ever since the breakup.
Common Symptoms After A Breakup
Again, I highly recommend you read the anatomy of a breakup series above since it’s going to go into a lot of detail that I’m not going to be able to go into here.
Nevertheless, I wanted to put this section in since it will be really helpful for you to understand that how you’re feeling after the breakup is normal.
Here are the most common aftermath symptoms that you are probably going to be experiencing post breakup.
- A lack of motivation
- Mood swings
- Memory problems
- An inability to concentrate
- Sleep problems (which might help explain the dreaming issues)
- Loss of appetite
- A lack of libido
- And a suppressed immune system
Again, these are the most common issues you’re probably going to experience but how do you deal with it?
Well, we’re going to talk about that in this guide.
First things first though, let’s talk about the specifics of what cause the breakup between you and your ex.
What Caused The Breakup Between You and Your Ex Boyfriend?
I’ve always found it paradoxical that one of the questions no one asks is why their exes broke up with them.
So often they take whatever is said as “the cause” at face value but our research has shown the exact opposite. More often than not an ex will not tell you the real reason they broke up with you because they don’t think you can handle it.
But this is important information to have if you are going to want to improve your chances of success.
After all, if you’re operating under the assumption that your ex blames you for the breakup because of your flirty tendencies when in reality they just thought they found someone better than you that seems like it would be pertinent information to your success.
Luckily, we’ve done extensive research into the top reasons that exes break up with you.
And no, I’m not talking about those generic reasons that everyone always seems to write about. I’m talking about the reasons your ex doesn’t want you to know about.
The Stability Vs. Mystery Reason
Again, this is a topic I’ve written a lot about so I’d like to encourage you to read my past articles on the topic if you want a fully dedicated reasoning for what I’m about to explain.
In order for me to explain this I need to start by teaching you a concept.
I call this my stability vs mystery theory.
Human begins require a lot in order to be happy in relationships.
We want someone that we can trust will be there for us no matter what. We want someone that we can curl up to on a rainy weekend and just binge watch Netflix.
I like to call this “the need for stability.”
Now, while we have this need for stability present we also hunger for adventure. Sometimes we want our significant others to surprise us with something unexpected. We want to feel like we know most of them but there’s also an exciting mysterious aspect to them.
I like to call this “the need for mystery.”
Each person is unique in relationships. This means that some of us want more stability than mystery and vice versa. But one thing remains as the constant, we need both.
Breakups allow us to study the fallout and through studying it we’ve found some fascinating things.
For example, with time people have a tendency to move towards an unconscious bias of whichever need they prefer. In other words, they grow complacent and revert to whatever pattern feels natural to them.
We once had a client who attracted her ex based on her ability to do all of these exciting things. In other words, her ex fell in love with her due to her ability to tap into the mysterious side of things. The problems arose when she began to revert towards the stability side of things.
All of a sudden his comments during the breakup,
Are painted in an entirely new light.
Here’s my point.
A lot of exes can’t verbalize the exact specifics of why they are breaking up with you so they fall back to this idea of the relationship no longer “feeling right.”
When this happens they are often referring to this stability and mystery scale.
The “I Think I Can Do Better” Reason
Here we dive into the first of the “I’m not going to tell her the truth because I’m worried it’ll hurt her feelings” reasons.
When I began this article I made mention of the fact that a lot of exes will break up with you because they think they can do better.
At it’s core this is what a breakup is.
That’s a harsh way of looking at it but it doesn’t make it any less true.
A few years ago I cited this concept called “the interdependence theory.” Essentially this theory is used to explain why human beings commit to one another.
Hint: the answer is that we are always looking for the best deal. We want to maximize the benefits and minimize the costs.
But what criteria are used?
We’re going to talk a lot about this in the later stages of this article but I’ll give you a taste right now.
- Satisfaction: How satisfied the subject is in the relationship
- Alternatives: Is there a better person out there that can better fit the subjects needs?
- Investment: How invested in the relationship is the subject?
Ultimately if you have an ex who you think broke up with you because they think they can do better than you then you can use the interdependence theory to explain it. Specifically the “alternatives” section.
But it’s the next one that is my all time favorite reason.
The Heroic Reason
Have you ever had an ex that said,
“You deserve the best”
“You deserve better than me”
Essentially they frame the breakup as it being in your best interest and not theirs.
Now, I’ve already made my thoughts on altruism clear and if they weren’t clear enough.
But does an ex actually mean it when they say these things to you? Are they truly altruistic and heroic?
No… ultimately the real reason is that they want to frame the breakup as if it’s a good thing.
It’s a brilliant way of seeming selfless and having you look back fondly on them.
Some exes are so convincing too that there will be people that read these words and think to themselves,
“Well, my ex is the exception to that rule.”
Again, I highly recommend you watch the video above as I feel I make an incredible case for why your ex isn’t the exception and the real problem is that the rule itself is flawed.
Reasons That You Should Not Get An Ex Back
Last year I wrote an article entitled “Red Flags To NOT Get Your Ex Back.”
In it I wrote about nine red flags to keep an eye out for.
So often we are dealing with situations where people get what I like to call “tunnel vision.” Essentially they get so focused on the idea of getting their relationship back that they forget to look out for themselves.
Now, why I would love to copy and paste that entire article here for you to see all nine red flags I am also aware of the fact that it would be overkill.
Instead, I think a more unique way to approach it is by having me point out the non negotiable red flags to keep an eye out for.
In other words, in these specific situations you should NEVER get your ex back.
The Non Negotiable Red Flags
There are really three non-negotiables for me. These are the types of situations where my coaches and I will immediately refund people because we don’t believe they should be trying to get exes back in them.
The three situations are,
- Your ex is threatening suicide to control you
- Your ex is hiding in addiction
- Your ex has physically or emotionally harmed you
Let’s take a moment to talk about each.
Your Ex Is Threatening Suicide To Control You
Sometimes we find that in the midst of a horrible fight exes will make statements as a way of guilting you or controlling you.
Unfortunately one of those statements can be along the lines of,
“If you don’t do what I want you to do I’ll kill myself.”
Often we find women are so scared of this happening that they cave and do what their ex wants out of fear of an ex actually acting on their statement.
Mental health is unfortunately swept under the rug in our society and it’s hard to find help.
So, here’s the approach I would take if I was you.
Let’s say that your ex threatens suicide. It’s going to be shocking and upsetting but what you should do is say the following.
“I’m not going to allow you to harm yourself. What you’re saying to me is something that I can’t keep to myself. I think you need to talk to a professional.”
Then refer them to the national suicide hotline which can be found here and then call the non emergency police line in your area to report the behavior.
Why non emergency instead of the actual emergency service?
Well, often times the police won’t be able to get them the help they need unless your ex makes reference to a specific plan of how they are going to make an attempt. If they do make reference to a specific plan of how they’re going to commit suicide then it’s time to take action and call the authorities.
Now, one note on this.
I’ve personally had to do this before on a few occasions for those suffering in the breakup community and it’s always scary to do.
You’ll weigh the options back and forth in your head and wonder if it’s the right thing to do.
At the end of the day you don’t want to live with regret knowing you could have done something but you didn’t.
So, needless to say you should not be getting an ex like this back.
Let’s move on.
Your Ex Is Hiding In Addiction
This is another very difficult situation but it’s something we need to talk about.
An ex hiding in addiction is essentially where they use an addiction as an excuse to be overly emotional. They’ll do this to make you feel sorry for them or fear for them.
Before I begin expanding I’d like to ask you a question.
Are you beginning to notice a pattern?
Basically a lot of these non-negotiable red flags have to do with control. Usually an ex using some form of manipulation to control you.
In this particular case it’s addiction.
Without a doubt the worst aspect about having an ex who has an addiction isn’t the substance itself but the fact that they blame you for their addiction and begin to take all the negative side effects out on you.
The team here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery don’t agree with trying to get exes like this back.
Your Ex Has Physically Or Emotionally Harmed You
Another very difficult situation.
A statement from Harvard Health about abuse sums up my thoughts perfectly.
Women don’t choose to have an abusive partner. In many cases the abuser can be charming and well liked by most people who know him. However, at home he shows a different side.
The main problem from our perspective is identifying these situations. We’ve noticed that women unfortunately have a tendency to keep things like this secret.
I understand their mindset.
They come to the website wanting an abusive ex back and are scared to speak up because they know we don’t condone getting exes like that here.
They know we won’t help them so they keep quiet about it.
They convince themselves that they can be his savior. That they can be the one that fixes him.
And the self fulfilling cycle continues again and again.
It’s important that if you’re being abused or have been abused in the past to contact the domestic violence hotline here.
Having A Legitimate Reason For Getting Back Together
One of the biggest questions that you should be asking yourself before you get your ex back is if you have a legitimate reason for getting back together.
In 2019 I ran a study through Survey Monkey and asked our audience what the biggest reason was for why they would want to get their exes back (LINK).
The results were really eye opening for me as I’ve always been a ready, set, go type of a person.
I’m action oriented so when someone tells me that they want their ex back I immediately start looking into the best ways to do that.
It wasn’t until I was already down the road that I had to stop and think,
“Wait, what does a good reason for getting an ex back look like?”
And so I decided to survey our audience to see.
I left the survey open ended. In other words, I let people type whatever they wanted.
In the end we got over 100 participants to engage and then the hard part came next.
I had to categorize their responses.
I found four main categories.
- I never experienced such love and deep connection with anyone else
- It hurts too much to be alone without them
- I can see a bright future with them
- Too vague to categorize
In the end half of the participants fell into the “I’ve never experienced such love and connection with anyone else” category while 33% said they can see a bright future together with them.
I consider those both to be great reasons to try to get an ex back.
Of course, the rest of the participants fell into the “it hurts too much to be alone” and “too vague to categorize” categories.
Which aren’t very good reasons to get an ex back.
So, before we move on I want to give you the spiel that I give to all of my clients and it has to do with regret.
If you aren’t in the “red flag” territory with regards to having a reason to get an ex back but you still worry that your “reason” isn’t legitimate then here’s what I will say to you.
No one will be able to guarantee an ex will come back to you but one thing I can guarantee is that if you do try your hardest to get them back you’ll not wake up years from now regretting even giving it a shot.
On Average How Long Will It Take To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back
Here’s where we are going to get a bit controversial. Everyone always asks me,
Hey Chris, do exes always come back?
And I always tell them it depends.
Their next question is usually something like,
Hey Chris, how do you get your guy back?
I’ll say it’s complicated and it will require a lot of hard work to do it right.
If they still aren’t scared off after that the next question is usually something like,
And it’s here where people often get frustrated or confused because everyone always has a different take. Some of my peers will make ridiculous claims like getting an ex back should only take a month.
Others will swear by the three month plan.
Matters become even more complicated when we get a client who seemingly puts a time limit on their success which is something we see a lot in long distance relationship situations (LINK).
So here’s what we are going to do.
I’m the data guy. I’m also someone who believes the proof is in the pudding so I’m going to tell you on average how long it takes to get an ex back through our program (LINK).
The Average Length Of Time It Will Take To Get Your Ex Back
Here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery we’ve been blessed with quite a few success stories.
So, one day I thought it would be fun to take a look at the length of time it took for each of those success stories to get their exes back (from start to finish) and average them together.
The results were fascinating.
Successes ranged from anywhere as quick as two months to as long as seven months.
Again, these are all taken from real life success stories that I’ve interviewed for our podcast so it’s not like I’m making the time frames up.
I say that because I know there will be naysayers that are claiming I’m making this all up.
I make all of our success story interviews available for free on my YouTube channel so you can literally watch and count for yourself.
But I’m getting off topic.
When you look at everything and average it all together the average success story happens around 3.4 months post breakup.
We technically didn’t count the time before they started working with us so that’s another factor to keep in mind.
Ok, so now that we have an idea of how long it may potentially take you to get an ex back let’s switch gears and talk about what I consider to be the most important strategy for getting an ex back.
The Most Important Strategy To Get Your Ex Back
If you go to my YouTube channel and check in the playlists section I have a playlist there entitled, Success Stories.
One of the best features of Ex Boyfriend Recovery is the podcast that we’ve put together where we basically interview people and answer questions related to breakups.
Well, at the start of last year I decided to run a specific study. I wanted to determine what made those who were successful different than those who weren’t successful.
What were they able to do to make their exes want to come back?
How exactly were they able to change his mind about the breakup?
What qualities did they have?
What tactics did they try?
What makes them unique.
Before I began the study I thought I had a pretty good idea of what these qualities were and while I guess you could make the case that the study is still on going I didn’t learn much new.
However, that “one new thing” I did learn turned out to be a game changer.
How do I say this without sounding completely arrogant?
I believe I’ve stumbled across the most important strategy there is to getting an ex back.
And I have hours of interviews to back it up.
What Is The Most Important Strategy For Getting An Ex Back?
Our ability to recognize patterns is unmatched and so as I interviewed the 25th success story for an hour I had a lightbulb moment.
This interview unlocked it for me,
Something was said that made me go, “Wait, I wonder if this pattern is present in all the other success stories.”
So I did the thing I didn’t want to do and began to go back over ALL of the interviews I had already conducted to see if the successes made mention of this concept.
Are you ready to find out what I learned?
The key to getting your ex back may very well be getting to a state emotionally where you let them go before you talk to them.
You’re going to learn about the no contact rule here in a moment but this is the absolute perfect strategy to pair with the no contact rule.
But more on that in a second let’s dive down on why I believe letting go of your ex may be the key to getting them back.
Well, that’s actually not entirely accurate is it?
It’s about letting go of your ex before you talk to them again to try to get them back. I’ve made reference of this concept in the past after one of my first podcast episodes (LINK) and lovingly referred to it as,
Moving On Without Moving On: A state of being where you get over your ex before talking to them.
The problem with most of my clients is they aren’t over the breakup and they aren’t over an ex by the time they talk to him and that gives them so much more power over you than they deserve.
Buy psychologically what’s going on here?
Moving On Without Moving On And Attachment Styles
Meet Antia Boyd, one of my favorite podcast guests ever,
It wasn’t until I was in the middle of an interview with her that I finally figured out why moving on without moving on works.
You see, after noticing the success story pattern I was scrambling to find a way to properly explain it and I was coming up blank.
I’d already researched playing hard to get but this wasn’t quite the same thing.
After all, letting go and determining you’ll be ok without your ex is not entirely the same as playing hard to get. People often misunderstand that.
If one “lets go” the symptom of that is that they are less available and it makes them appear harder to get. That’s not why this was working.
Well, I decided to explain my plight to Antia as I was interviewing her (or she was interviewing me I can’t really remember) but her take on it was gold.
I explained the concept and pattern I noticed to her and she said something along the lines of,
“It looks to me like it has something to do with attachment styles. Letting go of an ex after a breakup is a hard thing to do but it’s also a secure thing to do. It seems to me like your clients who got their exes back shifted their attachment styles to being more secure.”
This makes a ton of sense in hindsight because upon studying the audience here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery I noticed that most of our clients have anxious attachment styles and most of the exes they are trying to get back are avoidant styles.
If this sounds like I’m speaking a different language to you then check out my post on it here.
The interesting thing about secure attachment styles is that it serves as an invisible gravity force for the other attachment styles and grounds them.
So, the reason I think “moving on without moving on” actually works is because it sends out secure signals to your ex and that alone intrigues them.
Of course, I’ve neglected to mention one pretty important thing thus far.
Can You Fake Moving On Without Moving On
Once I recognized this pattern I began bringing it up to success stories whenever I’d interview them.
Those who I was lucky enough to bring it up to always have a slightly different take on how they arrived at that state of mind but they all agreed on one thing.
You cannot fake it. You have to feel it. It has to be authentic.
And here’s where we have a bit of a paradox. Generally speaking if one gets to the point where they don’t want their ex back anymore why would they try?
I’m not sure I have a great answer for that just yet but I do have an opinion.
I don’t entirely agree with what the success stories said. I do think you have to achieve this mentality where you’re ok letting go of your ex but from talking with the success stories I think they all still wanted their exes back.
In other words, I’m of the opinion that it’s important to accept the fact that you can fail in your attempt to get them back and be ok with it.
Most people I interact with aren’t this way.
They’ll convince themselves they are but they really aren’t.
They can only see one light at the end of the tunnel and that’s their ex. They have nothing more important to live for at this point in their lives other than their ex and failing to get them back is devastating.
A secure attachment style person has the fortitude to confront the harsh reality and be ok with it.
Getting to that mentality BEFORE you even communicate with your ex is key.
The Power Of Regret
If you think about it, one of the core tenets of winning an ex back is learning to create enough regret.
Which is kind of a difficult thing to do.
A few years ago I wrote an article called “the psychology of dumpers remorse” that dealt exclusively with looking at why people feel regret and how to create it within an ex.
The sad fact is that making an ex feel regret isn’t done through one singular action but rather a confluence of factors aligning at the right time.
In all, there are three components that need to occur if your ex boyfriend is going to regret letting you go.
- Opportunity Cost
Let’s take a moment to talk about each.
The Importance Of Timing
I haven’t really dove too much into attachment styles and their importance (LINK) yet but in order for me to properly explain timing I think I need to give you a bit of a primer on them first.
Most of the clients that we see have what we like to call an anxious attachment style whereas their exes have avoidant attachment styles.
One of my more recent videos and articles dealt with the concept of avoidants and how to make them miss you.
In it I made an interesting assertion.
“Avoidant attachment styles don’t really feel free to “long for you” until they feel that you are unavailable. Without the danger of reciprocity an avoidant can finally begin to feel safe enough romanticize the relationship.”
In other words, with a lot of exes we find that given enough time they do begin to look back fondly on the relationship. The problem that the majority of the population is they don’t give their exes enough breathing room.
They pester them until they are looked at as annoying.
This is one of the big reasons that we are such big believers in the no contact rule.
It’s a built in way to help with timing for regret to kick in.
The Importance Of Context
When I refer to context from a regret perspective I’m mostly referring to the details.
What specific situation are you in?
It’s obviously a lot harder to get an ex to regret their decision to leave you if you cheated on them as opposed to someone who didn’t cheat.
Of course, on the flip side it’s easier to get an ex to regret breaking up with you if you share children with them since we humans have a natural affinity for family units.
I don’t want to get too off into the weeds just yet because towards the end of this article I’m going to go on and on about specific situations and how to alter the game plan I’m going to teach you about in this article to them.
For now, let’s move on.
The Importance Of Opportunity Cost
We often use opportunity cost in reference to the stock market or economics but I find it has a perfect home here with regret.
Think about it,
Opportunity Cost: The loss of potential gain from other alternatives when one alternative is chosen.
So, to boil it down into the simplest terms,
As I walk you through the game plan that we’re going to be talking about here you’ll notice that a big portion of it is dedicated to indirectly affecting opportunity cost.
Not telling your ex why they missed out on something special with you but by showing them.
Emotional control is of vital importance if you want to deal with a breakup.
One look around our private Facebook support group should be enough to show you pretty much how important it is.
Every day we are getting posts related to,
- How they can’t stop thinking about their ex
- How the breakup is affecting their work
- How lonely they are
- How they feel like they are losing their minds
I’m going to level with you.
I struggle with teaching emotional control but not by design. The way I figure it is that if you go through my system and develop healthy habits, which is something we preach a lot, then emotional control should come naturally.
However, not everyone looks at it that way so after being convinced by pretty much everyone around me I decided to put an emotional control component into this article.
It wasn’t enough for me to just give generic tips either, I wanted to go above and beyond with it.
So I surveyed my clients and asked them what the most effective methods they’ve used to gain emotional control after their breakups.
Here is what they had to say.
It’s hard to be positive when you feel like crap after a breakup. Often there’s a lot of self doubt and blame.
But one thing that consistently came up from my clients was that they almost had to rewire their brain to catch themselves any time they were saying or thinking something negative about themselves.
Probably the best way I’ve seen this practiced is with the date yourself mentality which is something I learned from Veronica Grant in an interview I did with her.
Identify Your Triggers
Certain behaviors or lack of behaviors from your ex will probably trigger you.
For example, let’s say you and your ex are in the middle of building rapport and you send an awesome text but you don’t get an immediate response.
The first place your mind goes is to thoughts of him being with another woman.
This causes you to spiral and things can get out of control really fast.
Now, a normal person would look at that and think,
Hmm… he must be busy with work or maybe he’s just tired of talking and they’d be completely ok with it. They’d give their ex some space.
In a little bit we’re going to talk about attachment styles and their importance to your overall success but I think they have a lot of relevance here with regards to helping you achieve emotional control.
The Holy Trinity Is Your Friend
Here’s where we talk about those healthy habits I mentioned above.
Are you familiar with my teachings on “the holy trinity?”
Basically I try to tell my clients to divide their lives up into three specific categories,
I talk about how each of these categories is connected so what often happens when you go through a breakup is that all of them are negatively impacted.
The opposite is also true.
By focusing on say health or wealth you can positively impact relationships.
So, when we get to talking about the no contact rule you’ll find that a lot of the things I’ll be recommending fall into the holy trinity idea.
In the end getting into a habit of focusing on your trinity helps you in gaining emotional control.
Attachment Styles And Your Success
One more thing before we really dive into our game plan for getting an ex back and that’s the importance of attachment styles.
So, what are attachment styles?
Our attachment style is established in early childhood and continues to function as a model for relationships in adulthood.
Essentially attachment styles is the psychology behind why your ex avoid or has this insane mood swings. It’s your explanation for why they wouldn’t ever seem to fully commit while you were in a relationship with them. It’ll explain the stages of love with your ex.
I highly recommend reading the book “Attached” as it walks you through everything relating attachment styles but I’ll give you a quick crash course.
On a very basic level all human beings are divided into four different attachment styles.
- Secure: Thrive in relationship. Have a high sense of self. Isn’t afraid to give their partner space when they need it. They do not depend on the responsiveness or approval of their partners. Have a highly positive view of themselves.
- Anxious: Often seeks approval, support and responsiveness. This is the attachment style that will immediately try to “fix” the breakup and tend to blow their exes phone up.
- Avoidant: Value their independence more than anything. Believe they don’t have to be in a relationship to feel complete. Avoid emotional closeness.
- Fearful: The most rare type of attachment style. Is a mix between anxious and avoidant. Often misdiagnosed as multiple personality disorder.
As I’ve stated multiple times already most of the people we work with here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery are anxious and most of their exes are avoidant.
Diagnosing your attachment style and your exes attachment style can be helpful in understanding and empathizing with them during the breakup.
But the goal should always remain the same.
Out of the four attachment styles I listed above three are considered insecure and one is considered secure.
The secure attachment style almost acts as a gravity to the others. It helps ground them and we have found it’s very important for you to shift your own attachment style behaviors towards being more secure if you want to see success.
My best recommendation to you is to check out this quiz by Diane Poole Heller to self diagnose your own attachment style.
The Value Chain Vs. The Value Ladder
I started Ex Boyfriend Recovery in 2012 and over the years I’ve worked to consistently improve the strategies I recommended to get a man back.
Around 2015 I came up with a concept for helping make an ex interested in you again called the value ladder. In 2017 I came up with the concept of the value chain.
Both concepts have been proven to work time and time again and have since been a staple of our program.
So, what I’d like to do before I go into the granular detail of how to move forward is give you an overview of what the value ladder and value chain are.
What Is The Value Ladder?
The theory is simple. Use specific methods of communication to periodically build value with your ex in order to make an ex fall in love with you.
So, there are really four methods of communication that we can look at when considering the value ladder.
- Text Message Based Communication – Any type of communication sent via Text, iMessage, WhatsApp, Instant Messaging
- Phone Call Based Communication – Any type of conversation you have via a Phone, Video Chat or Zoom session.
- In Person Meetup Based Communication – Here we move into the “in person communication phase. Meetups aren’t considered dates. They aren’t considered romantic but they are meeting up in person
- In Person Romantic Based Communication – This is another type of in person communication but it’s a date where romance is assumed.
These four methods of communication are meant to be done in the order they were listed and you aren’t technically allowed to skip any step.
It works like rungs on a ladder.
The goal should always be to get to the top having rebuilt value and perception in your exes eyes.
So, after you complete a no contact rule which by default is always the very first step in any “get your ex back campaign.”
You embark upon your climb up the ladder.
Here’s the trick.
You aren’t allowed to move on to the next rung until you’ve completely rebuilt value within the rung you currently reside.
So, let’s pretend that you’re trying to get your ex back and you made it through the no contact rule unscathed.
It’s time to embark upon your climb of the ladder.
Your first step is to rebuild value within the texting phase. Only after you feel you’ve rebuilt value within that rung can you advance to the next rung.
You keep repeating that process until you make it to the top.
Sounds like a simple idea, right?
Trust me when I say that it’s not.
Making an ex boyfriend want to chase you again never is and I still haven’t answered the question of how you rebuild value.
Well, that’s where the value chain comes into play.
What Is The Value Chain?
Where the value ladder deals with the avenues of communication you have with your ex the value chain deals with the specific types of conversations you have with your ex.
This is something I’ve talked about a lot and even filmed entire videos on the subject,
If you really think about it there are five main types of categories you can fit conversations into.
- Small Talk – The type of conversation that you can have with anyone. Non controversial but also lacks depth.
- Telling Stories – Usually you will only tell stories to colleagues, friends and loved ones. You won’t be telling stories to strangers. Usually there isn’t a lot of depth to stories but there are cases where there can be if you’re clever.
- Sharing Opinions – You usually only share your opinions (in person) with friends and family who you know quite well. There are some cases where you can share your opinions online but I don’t count these because you are usually hiding behind a keyboard.
- Virgin Ground – This is when you or your partner discuss something that you’ve or they’ve never told anyone before. It’s a sign that they trust you more than the average person.
- Sharing Feelings – “I love you,” “I miss you,” these are great examples of feelings being shared.
So, at different stages of the value ladder you’ll be trying to engage your ex in different conversations.
And even sprinkling in different push/pull methods.
The goal for the value chain is to chain a string of these meaningful conversations together so that you’re always building value and reframing the way your ex looks at you.
In other words, the value ladder and the value chain are meant to work together in unison.
The Biggest Problem We Have With The Value Ladder And Value Chain
We have spent years testing the value ladder specifically and have found that 9 times out of 10 it is never in your best interest to skip it.
In fact, one of our recent success stories Julie said exactly that,
Essentially she made it through her no contact rule which builds a foundation for the value ladder and when her ex tried to initiate a meetup even though she was in the texting phase she opted not to go since it was skipping crucial steps in the ladder.
Well, we’ve found that when our method begins working exes will typically try to rush things. Sometimes this can work but more often than not what happens is your ex isn’t ready to commit yet since not enough value has been rebuilt and he gets that quick dopamine hit he was looking for and you don’t hear from him again.
Do not skip the steps on the ladder.
It’s crucial to your success.
Alrighty, now that you have an understanding of our value ladder and value chain let’s talk about the no contact rule.
Using The No Contact Rule To Lure Your Ex Boyfriend Back Into Your Arms!
Without a doubt the no contact rule is going to be the most important first step you’ll take when it comes to trying to get your ex back.
Take a look at this graphic:
This is essentially the strategy that I’m going to be showing you when it comes to navigating general breakups.
Notice anything interesting?
Yep, before you do anything relating to the value ladder or the value chain you first need to complete a no contact rule.
So, what is a no contact rule?
The no contact rule refers to a period of time where you cut off all conceivable communication with an ex after a breakup. The intent of this tactic should NOT be used to make your ex miss you but instead should be used to rebuild your own life so that you outgrow your ex. By doing this, the no contact rule can have the added benefit of making an ex miss you
If you don’t believe in the no contact rule then all I can say to you is that you had better start believing in it.
Do you remember earlier when I said I spent a lot of time researching this topic?
Yea well, I only took a look at credible sources and every one and I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE recommends the no contact rule.
The Reasons Why No Contact Works on Your Boyfriend After a Break Up
Reason #1: Helping You Get Through the Pain of What Happened Between You and Your Ex Boyfriend
Right after a break up is when you are at your emotional peak and I don’t mean a good emotional peak, I am talking about anger, hate, basically everything that Yoda from Star Wars said to avoid. The no contact rule is going to give you time to work on yourself and calm down a little bit so you can think more rationally instead of emotionally.
Reason #2: Helping Your Ex Boyfriend Realize You Have Value and Should Be Missed
Your ex boyfriend is probably going to start wondering why you aren’t talking to him and possibly may even begin to miss you.
Reason #3: Learning To Ignore Your Ex Bf Works in Your Favor When he is Angry or Resentful
He will probably try to call or text you during this no contact period. It is important that you ignore him.
You may hear from mutual friends that he called you a bad name/s or you may get the feeling that he hates you or wants nothing to do with you. Don’t worry, he is emotional and doesn’t mean it. Besides, after 30 days he will change his tune.
Two Special Cases Where You Have To Contact Your Ex Boyfriend During No Contact
There are certain special cases where it is pretty much impossible to “ignore” your ex without seeming like a jerk. Here are those specific cases and what you should do if you find yourself in them.
Case 1: If You Live With Your Ex Boyfriend
Your goal is to be a respectful roommate. Make sure any interactions you do have with the person are short, pleasant and to the point. Make sure you are as positive as possible.
Case 2: If You and Your Boyfriend Have Kids Together
The last thing you want is to come off like a jerk. So, if you are in this situation make sure you keep your interactions to a minimum. Keep things short, simple and positive.
Case #3: You are forced to exchange important items with your ex
Again, you’re there for business and that business is the item exchange. Now, I’ve actually talked a lot about how to handle this interaction in the past so refer to that guide if you want more granular detail.
Are you seeing a trend here?
What To Do During The No Contact Period
Just a heads up as this is an extremely important section. Remember when we talked abut how you are going to implement the no contact rule for about a month (30 days?) Yes, well you are not going to just sit on your butt and twiddle your thumbs during this time. No, you are going to work towards your goal of a new and better relationship by focusing on the one thing you can control, yourself!
Reminder Of The No Contact Period Rules
- No texting, calling, emailing, Facebook communications or writing your ex boyfriend.
- It is recommended that you don’t dig into your exes life at all.
- If your ex calls, texts, emails or Facebooks you, you are not allowed to respond.
- Don’t listen to anything your ex says about you (even if it is hurtful names.)
- If you break your no contact period agreement (talking to him in any shape or form before the 30 days are up) then you have to start your 30 day no contact period over.
Things To Avoid During The No Contact Period
- Sleeping all day because of how you feel.
- Staying home and not going out.
- Drinking too much (alcohol.)
- Telling everyone you have ever known about the breakup.
- Making big life decisions.
- Calling in sick to work frequently.
Ok, so those are pretty much the most basic things of the big NO-NO’s of the no contact period. Now we get to the good stuff. Honestly, I am getting excited here because this is where you start taking the first steps of getting your ex boyfriend back. Granted, they are baby steps but they are still steps in the right direction.
Alright, so the biggest thing I want you to focus on for the no contact period is the fact that you are using this month to become the best version of yourself that you have ever been. There is a 100% chance, especially if you are ignoring him, that your ex is going to check up on you during this period and instead of sulking around feeling sorry for yourself he is going to see a strong, sexy, fun-having woman!
(Disclaimer: please don’t take offense ladies, some of the things I cover here are meant to help you not to criticize.)
Physical Changes Can Attract To Your Ex Boyfriend
First things first, you are going to become the sexiest version of yourself that the world has ever seen. Let’s say you and I were dating and we had a fight and broke up (I know I am a horrible boyfriend 😉 .) Anyways, after a month of you basically freezing me out (no contact) I happen to bump into you at a Starbucks or somewhere where we both frequented.
The first thought I have of our encounter will be based on the choices that you made during the 30 day no contact period.
If you sat around feeling sorry for yourself and ate ice cream on the couch all day I will probably think “she looks terrible.”
However, if you spent that no contact time working on yourself physically and mentally I am probably going to think “WOW! She is even more beautiful than I remember.”
Where did I come up with this?
Actually this really happened to me. I was dating a girl and after we broke up I happened to run into her at a Starbucks and even though we had a short friendly conversation I couldn’t take my eyes off of her because she just looked so gorgeous. She looked so good in fact that all I could think was “how in the hell did I let her get away?”
Four Physical Changes You Can Make To Arouse Your Ex Boyfriend
1. You can change your hairstyle
I’ll admit, I am not a hairstyle guru but everywhere I researched claimed that this was an excellent tactic to looking good for your man so who am I to argue with the experts.
2. Get in shape
There is no argument that you can make to me to say that this isn’t a good idea. This is especially true if (no offense) you are a little overweight. However, even if you are a workout fanatic don’t let your breakup change that side of you.
3. Clean up your diet
Again, this is another great way to feel better about yourself and notice how it is the opposite of sitting around eating ice cream all day.
4. Update your wardrobe
I am giving you permission to go out and shop! You can thank me later when you are on your mans arm.
My wife was kind enough to film a YouTube video on what to wear on a date with your ex boyfriend (LINK) and I highly recommend watching my podcast interview with Stylist Rayne Parvis,
Mental Changes That Can Help You Regain Your Confidence And Feel Good About Yourself
So, now that you know what changes you need to make physically lets talk about arguably the harder thing to improve, your mental state. One of the biggest assets about the no contact period is that it gives you time to calm down a bit from the mental tension that was your breakup. This section is going to be all about how to get through your breakup and heal emotionally. However, in order for that to happen you need to take a few actions first.
Five Mental Changes You Can Make To Help You Cope With Your Ex Boyfriend Break Up
1. Focus on work and Recreation, Not Your Ex
It is good to distract your mind for a while and what better way to do that than with work. Careful though, you don’t want to be one of those career first women and lose sight of your goal. Remember, focusing on work in this particular case should be used to take your mind of your ex boyfriend.
2. Renew a hobby
I don’t have to explain this one do I? Ok, basically if there was anything fun that you used to do (tennis, golf, puzzles, collecting, hiking, photography, music) renew it.
3. Write in a journal
Sometimes your mind is constantly racing with thoughts about your ex boyfriend and since you can’t talk to him for 30 days it might be a good idea to jot your thoughts down in a journal.
4. Have fun
If your friends invite you out to a party or club I would recommend that you go out and have fun with them. Honestly time is the number one thing that can help you get over a break up but the second best thing is definitely having fun.
5. Reconnect with friends
Friends are great. You can talk to them about your problems and they will listen. You can rely on them in the bad times to pick you up. Careful though, don’t let them talk you into calling him before the no contact period is up.
To learn more about what other changes you can make during the no contact rule please check out The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program (LINK).
How Other People Can Help You Get Your Ex Back
I thought this deserved it’s own section because there is a lot to talk about here. During your no contact period I recommend that you go on a date…. with someone new! Yes, I am saying to go on a date with someone who isn’t your ex. I know you may be a bit hesitant but trust me it’s a smart idea. Here are a few reasons why.
It shows you are moving on- In a strange way you kind of want your ex to know that you are on a date with someone. You appear self-assured and strong which are very attractive qualities.
It can build up your self confidence- Dating other people helps you feel a little bit more confident. Knowing that someone finds you attractive is always a great feeling. Not to mention the person you may be on the date with might be extremely fun.
It will help keep your mind off your ex (probably)- When you are busy you have less time to mope around or think about your ex. Instead of being completely miserable and depressed you are doing something constructive and dare I say having a bit of fun?
It will cure any phobias you may have developed- Women who haven’t been in a relationship for a long time may feel a little worried about meeting someone new. Don’t worry at all. Just focus on having fun with someone and making new friendships.
The Ungettable Girl
Do you remember how I said the most important vibe that you need to be giving off if you want your ex back is one that you are letting go of them?
Well, that’s essentially what you should be doing with all of your time during the no contact rule and this next concept I’m going to introduce you to is going to do that in spades.
I’d like to introduce you to concept of “The Ungettable Girl.”
What Is An Ungettable Girl?
Describing the concept of an ungettable girl has always been an elusive one for me.
I used to think that an ungettable girl was a woman who was literally impossible to get but that’s actually not entirely accurate.
Maybe it started out that way but as I introduced the concept to the members in our private Facebook support group which can be accessed via our program it involved into something more.
I had the idea one day to ask the women in the group what being ungettable meant to them and they came up with some amazing answers.
So, I suppose an ungettable girl is someone who,
- Is confident
- Loves herself
- Demands respect
- Is never the second choice
- Sets goals and actually obtains them
- Lives her best life
- Is cool no matter the situation
- Finds a way to be positive in difficult moments
- Is true to herself
- Impresses other people by blowing their expectations out of the water
- Is independent
- Has inner peace
- Is a master at playing hard to get
- Finds the joy in life no matter what
This is your North Star throughout a no contact rule.
The theory is that if you can embody these adjectives it won’t even matter if he blindsided you with the breakup.
Well, ultimately that’s a much more complicated answer and since this article is already like four thousand words long I think this time I’m going to refer you to the entire book I wrote on the subject, “Ungettable: Becoming The Woman Every Man Wants.”
Let’s move on to the first actual step of the value ladder, texting.
How To Use Text Messages To Get Your Ex Back
Wow that was a lot huh?
I mean, we haven’t even started contacting our exes yet have we?
Well, right now is when we begin that step.
Are you excited?
Alright, there is a lot of debate about this step. Every expert (myself included) seems to have a different opinion on the method you should use for contacting an ex.
Some recommend writing a get your boyfriend back letter, some say you should give them a call and some even say you should text.
So, what is the best method?
Well, as I’ve consistently made a case for, I believe texting your ex after the no contact rule is ideal.
Why I Prefer Texting As Your Initial Contact With Your Ex Boyfriend
As stated above, I personally prefer texting over any method of contact for a number of reasons.
If you are a little hesitant to text your ex first then I am hoping this section can sway you.
Lets look at each method of communication individually starting with..
Should You Call Your Ex on the Phone?
Actually, in my research I found that a lot of experts recommend calling (after the no contact period.)
I have read multiple stories of women who have actually had some success with this method.
However, I don’t like the phone for a lot of reasons.
First off, it doesn’t give you time to think.
The second your ex boyfriend picks up (if he even picks up) you have to be on your toes and there is a lot that can go wrong.
Not to mention he still may be a little resentful about the break up.
Writing A Letter To Your Ex Boyfriend
I don’t know about you but if I got a letter out of the blue from an ex girlfriend I might be a little creeped out.
The last thing you want to be is perceived as creepy or stalker like and writing a letter the wrong way can definitely hurt you.
Also, there’s the little fact that I’ve actually never personally see it yield positive results during the early stages of getting an ex back.
What About Texting Your Ex Boyfriend
Honestly, it is hard to think of any disadvantages when using text messages.
Texting is the communication highway for today’s couples.
You and your boyfriend probably texted each other all the time and rarely shared them with anyone.
Basically texting is super intimate. You can share cute pictures and do all sorts of really fun things. Not to mention it is impossible to raise your voice over a text message.
However, I would say the biggest advantage to text messaging would be the fact that you can take your time and think everything through. This is something that calling on the phone won’t allow you.
The Game Plan Around Building Value With Your Ex Boyfriend During The Texting Phase
Here we are going to rely upon two concepts.
One I’ve already taught you and another I’ve not touched on yet. As stated above, the value chain is essential to grasp before talking to your ex.
Understanding it will help you gauge exactly what types of conversations you should be having with your ex.
Here’s a quick refresher,
The value chain refers to the five main types of conversations you should be having with your ex.
So, that’s the first concept that the game plan of texting will be built upon.
The next concept is something I haven’t discussed yet and it’s called Tide Theory.
Consider a moment how subtle a changing of the tides is on a beach. It goes from low tide to high tide and it happens so incrementally that if one was to stay at the beach all day they wouldn’t actually witness the exact moment it happened.
Because an exact moment never technically happens. It’s a series of small incremental moments that combined create something powerful.
This is how you need to view the frequency of text messages you have with your ex.
Start off small and gradually build up to something more frequent.
10 Important Things To Know Before You Contact Your Ex
Before you contact your ex boyfriend, there are certain rules you are going to have to abide by. These rules will definitely give you the best shot at winning him back. Let’s take a look:
1. Controlling the conversation is key that means that you should always be the one who brings the conversation to a close, YOU WANT TO BE IN CONTROL.
2. Typically you want your ex to only think about the most positive experiences during your relationship.
3. You will need to get in touch with what you and your ex once had. What made you a successful couple? I recommend taking out a pen and paper and brainstorming.
4. You also have to know what he disliked about your relationships.
5. You have to know his likes and dislikes. (you can’t start talking about a band he hated and expect it to go well.)
6. Don’t expect him to be receptive of your messages right off the bat, it may take a while.
7. As a general rule the faster things move the worse off you are, TAKE THINGS SLOW.
8. DO NOT SPAM YOUR EX WITH TEXTS… if he doesn’t respond to your first one just wait a couple of days and try again.
9. You can’t come off as needy.
10. Be very patient. Remember it is about making small, incremental moves and steps. Together they build a tapestry of attraction.
The Best First Contact Text Message For That Stubborn Ex Boyfriend of Yours
First impressions are everything. You need to remember that. How you approach this first contact message with your stubborn ex is almost as important as the text messages later in this process. Why? Because, if you screw this part up you can kiss your chances of getting your boyfriend back goodbye. No pressure though.
Your main goal in this section is to just open up communication. Remember though, you want to be in control at all times. That means that YOU have to be the one to end the conversation. To make matters more complicated you can’t get into a full blown conversation with him yet. This is simply a small baby step that you are using to test the waters and gauge where you are at.
Big Break Up No-No’s
- This message is not about rekindling the sexual flames (NOT A BOOTY CALL)
- You can’t get angry or upset.
- You can’t expect anything (manage your expectations.)
- This is not meant to be a cure all text that repairs the relationship.
- Do not ask to meet up with your ex.
- Don’t make your ex think too much.
The First Contact Rules
- You have to be positive
- You have to be confident
- Again, don’t expect anything.
- NO ONE WORD TEXTS (each message has to have a point.)
- The messages can’t be too long.
- You should try to create a message that is so interesting it is impossible for your ex boyfriend not to respond.
5 BAD Examples Of First Contact Texts You Shouldn’t Use on Your Ex Bf
- One Word Texts-
- “What’s Up”
You get the gist here I hope.
2 GOOD Examples Of First Contact Texts That Gain His Attention!
1. For a couple who both love Harry Potter.
2. For a couple who both loved eating out.
What To Do If You Get A Positive Response
Using the Harry Potter Example Above:
A few things you should take note of. The conversation was friendly, short and ended on a good note. This is what you definitely should aim for. Your ex should be thinking about the text for days!
Since things went positively you can contact them again in a few days and talk for a little bit longer. However, the conversation can’t be too much longer and YOU have to end it first.
What To Do If You Get A Neutral Response
Neutral responses are typically the one word responses that I hate so much:
Here is how you should handle a neutral reaction
Basically it is the same type of a response as a positive one. You end the conversation first, blah blah blah.
What To Do If You Get A Negative Response From Your Ex
Negative responses do not feel good at all. It really sucks and can feel like the end of the world especially if you put a lot of work into getting your ex boyfriend back. Your best bet in these situations is to simply not respond at all and understand that your ex is still processing their emotions.
It doesn’t necessarily mean that all hope is lost it just means you may need to be more patient and try again in a week or so.
Remembering The Good Times With Your Ex Boyfriend
Alright, assuming you successfully engaged your ex boyfriend and got a decent response you can move on to this section. I’ll admit that you will have a distinct advantage here if you had a long relationship and made a lot of great memories. If your relationship was brief then this part of engaging your ex may be a little bit more challenging. However, that doesn’t mean anything bad it just means you might have to get more creative.
First things first, this is not the part where you are going to try to get your ex boyfriend back. So, many of the same rules that I talked about above apply here.
Five Big No-No’s When Composing Your Text Message For Your Ex Bf
- This text is not intended to be a “booty call.”
- You can’t get angry or upset.
- You can’t expect anything (manage your expectations.)
- This is not meant to cure your entire relationship.
- Do not ask to meet up with your ex.
The main thing you are trying to do with “remembering the good times” is to get them to think about the most positive aspects of your previous relationship. This means that you are going to have to be as positive as you possibly can.
Think of it this way, if you do this set of messages correctly then you have a good chance of getting your ex to feel the same feelings you are feeling and they will start to remember how great your times together were.
What To Say To Him
When you write your text message to him you are going to have to go into details instead of just writing something general. Let’s take a look at a few simple phrases to further explore this point:
Alright, lets say that I was trying to get an ex girlfriend back and I had made it this far into the step by step process I am outlining here. I took out a sheet of paper and wrote down what I thought our best couple experiences were together. For the sake of this page lets say that me and my ex had an experience where we were watching a football game outdoors and it was really cold. She was getting very cold so I offered her my jacket.
Now, what do you think would be better to write:
Choice 1: “Hey do you remember when I let you borrow my jacket at the football game?”
Choice 2: “Do you remember the night where I loaned you my jacket at the football game? I was freezing in my little t-shirt but you held my hand the entire time. I liked that quality about you.”
If you said Choice 2 then you would be correct.
The more details you can give the better you will do. Remember, this has to be an experience that your ex enjoyed as well as you. Lets look at some examples.
Two GOOD Examples Of Remembering The Good Times
Example of Fun Experience:
Example of Bonding Experience
Sometimes asking your ex a question can work well to get them to remember a good experience. (Remember your question has to be aimed at getting them to feel something positive.)
What To Do If You Get A Positive/Neutral Response From Your Guy?
More often than not if you have gotten this far in your conquest to get them back they are going to respond back positively. Except this time you are going to engage them in a conversation but make sure that you don’t go too fast. Remember, you still have to be the one to end the conversation first. Lets look at how a conversation like this might play out using an example from above:
What To Do If You Get N0 Response
Ok, so you sent out your text to remind them of the good ole days where the two of you were as thick as thieves but they haven’t responded yet. First off, it isn’t the end of the world. Sometimes people get busy and don’t have time to respond right away. Waite a few days before you jump to any conclusions.
If you haven’t heard anything from them yet and it has been past a couple of days then this could mean a couple of things. They are either extremely excited by the prospect of moving forward with things and they can sense that you are trying to move things along but this also makes them extremely nervous.
They could be scared by you progressing things along.
Whatever the case is just simply take things down a notch and start a few more harmless text messages where you just make first contact.
What To Do If You Get A Negative Response
You have spent a month not contacting your ex. You spent that entire time working on yourself becoming more and more confident as the days past. Everything seemed to be going fine until you hit your first road block with a negative response. Make no mistake about it, negative responses are never good. However, they don’t EVER mean that you should give up right away. It just means you have to be smarter about how you approach things. Lets take a look at a negative response example (from my past) this is a true story.
Ouch! That definitely hurts. Nevertheless, if you get a response like this you just have to be polite, positive and collected. Remember, you are the one that has to be in control. You may have made one of the following mistakes:
A. You may have selected the wrong thing to remind him of. This isn’t horrible just give it some more time before you contact him again.
B. What you said to your ex made him uneasy…. Interesting. This just means you misread the situation and you moved a little to fast to start bringing up your relationship.
C. Maybe you caught your ex during the wrong day and you caught him at a bad time. Either way just give him some time to get his head together.
How To Use Jealousy Against Your Ex Boyfriend To Your Advantage
This section is going to be controversial. It certainly was in my Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program. Some of you may not agree with this but everywhere I researched said that using your ex boyfriends jealousy to your advantage is one of the most powerful things you can do.
First, I think it is important to understand how jealousy can work to your advantage. Since I am a male I feel I can explain my genders feelings towards this particular topic. In my opinion I think it is ok to get jealous. However, I don’t think it is ok to get overly jealous. If your ex boyfriend would get jealous every time you would talk to another man or every time you went out then I would say you should really revisit your thinking on getting back together with him. Nevertheless, I want to tell you an interesting story about jealousy.
I have a friend (who wants to remain unnamed.) He ended up breaking up with his girlfriend of 5 months for some silly reason (I honestly never understood it.) Anyways, three months after their breakup she started dating a new guy. Immediately my friend called me up and wanted her back. He didn’t realize what he had until he saw her with another guy.
This is the power of jealousy. Now, I am NOT recommending that you go out and date someone new. I am recommending that you drop certain hints in your communication with your ex boyfriend that you are out meeting new people. The key to this is that YOU CAN’T BE OBVIOUS. Do you think you will get very far if you rub the fact that you are out and about with other guys? The answer is no. There is a subtle art to incorporating jealousy texts into your conversations and I am going to teach you that art.
Three Key Rules When Employing Jealousy Against Your Ex Boyfriend
- You have to be really careful because if this is done wrong then your chances of getting your ex boyfriend back drop drastically.
- Gauge the situation and decide when the time is right.
- You have to be discreet (If you say “So, I was with this really hot guy last night and he said….” your chances are pretty much done.)
The Art Of Using Jealousy With The One Who Left You
(Disclaimer: These only work if you actually do the things you are talking about. So, don’t make any situations up. How will it look if he goes to verify and finds out your lying about being out and about with another guy?)
Ok, the first tactic is from my own experience. I don’t have any research to back it up but I feel it will work because it worked on me. One thing that always made me a bit jealous (even though I never voice it) was when a girl I felt really strongly about has a bunch of pictures with a bunch of different guys on her Facebook profile. I know that sounds ridiculous but it legitimately made me like “Damn, that guy got to be in her presence.” Here is the key though, if I felt strongly about a girl (who was single) and I saw a bunch of pictures of her getting totally drunk and making out with a bunch of guys I will no longer feel strongly about her. In fact, I might lose interest entirely. So, I would say that your best bet would be to post innocent pictures with other guys. The key is to be really subtle about it but trust me if your man has a Facebook I promise you he will check your profile from time to time.
Don’t believe me?
I still check my ex girlfriends profile from high school. He is going to check yours so you better be prepared.
Using Jealousy In Text Messages
Getting your guy jealous through a text message is quite easy.
Notice how I didn’t specify if this friend was a male or female. You just planted a seed of doubt in your ex boyfriends head and now he is going to wonder if you saw a romantic movie with a friend or with a date.
Another popular way to get someone jealous is with the “hey did I see you at” type message. One of my good friends came up with this and I have to say it works extremely well.
Your ex boyfriend is thinking “I wasn’t at Sherlocks last night.” This is perfect because now he is going to read between the lines and see that you were checking out another guy that wasn’t him. Also in a way you are complimenting him. Jealousy text messages are interesting aren’t they?
Five Heart To Heart Text Conversations You Can Start With Your Ex Boyfriend
Alright, lets take a step back and look at how the game plan is progressing thus far.
Step 1- You sent a first contact text (got a positive/neutral response and kept the conversation short.)
Step 2- You finally started a real conversation with the “remembering the good times text message” (again the conversation was controlled by you.)
Step 3- You implemented a little bit of jealousy (You kept it subtle and got him thinking about you again as a potential relationship partner.)
Well, now you are going to implement a number of small heart to heart chats in various different ways that are going to change your fortune in a positive way.
6 Important Things To Remember
- Don’t fall in the booty call trap.
- You can’t get angry or upset.
- You can’t expect anything (manage your expectations.)
- Don’t try to fix everything at once.
- Do not ask to meet up with your ex.
- You have to remain positive.
IMPORTANT NOTE: You have to try these tactics in order (if possible) before you can move on to the “Taking THE Risk” section.
Tactic 1- Reminder
One of the little things I always love about relationships that are going well is how you are constantly helping each other remember things. This tactic is no different and can definitely earn you some huge brownie points if you remind him about something he forgot. Lets look at a few examples.
(Ex who watches the same T.V. show that you do)
(Ex who has a family members birthday coming up)
Tactic 2- Showing Your Support
This tactic may be a little harder to implement because it can sometimes depend on the situation that your ex is currently in. Basically you are going to bring up a stressful event very gently and show that you are going to be supportive no matter what with NO STRINGS ATTACHED. This has to be completely genuine otherwise you are better off not saying anything at all.
(Ex with family who just died.)
(Ex preparing for a test or exam.)
(Ex who gets injured)
Tactic 3- Complimenting Your Ex Boyfriend
This tactic is a little like flirting. The key to compliments are to work them in during your conversation over text. Knowing when to slip them in will depend on your gut feeling and the context of the conversation you are having. Here is a good example of a great compliment:
I know it may sound a little goofy but trust me this goofy stuff works. How do I know? Let’s put it this way. I still remember TO THIS DAY when a girl who sat in front of me in my high school class turned around and said “you have beautiful eyes.”
Tactic 4- Value Your Ex
Tactic 4 is very similar to tactic 3. Except this time instead of slipping in a compliment during a conversation you are going to slip in something that you have always appreciated about your ex. Here is a great example of an appreciation text:
Your best bet here is to take out a sheet of paper and write down all of the things that you have ever appreciated about your ex so you have an inventory to dive in. Oh, and don’t write down just general things. Be as specific as possible.
Tactic 5- I Miss This
I don’t need to explain this one do I? Ok, basically this is a tactic where you tell your ex boyfriend what you miss about your relationship. Be careful though because these messages need to be worded properly or your screwed.
It is essential that you talk about experiences that your ex enjoyed. A lot of people screw up because they only talk about stuff that they miss. Make sure you are talking about stuff that your ex misses as well. Here is a good example of how this should be done.
Notice how the text above was super specific and brings up good memories for both parties. That is what you are aiming for.
How To Use Phone Calls To Get Your Ex Back
It’s time to take the kids gloves off ladies! NO MORE TEXTING! At least for this part.
So let’s recap a bit before we begin to talk about how you should approach your ex boyfriend on the phone.
Thus far we’ve done a no contact rule and you should have begun building value via text messages with your ex.
If we follow the value ladder then that means the phone call stage is next.
There are a number of things that we are going to need to talk about when it comes to properly handling phone calls with your ex.
- Why phone calls are more powerful than texts
- How do you transition from texting to phone calls?
- What’s the goal of getting on the phone with your ex?
So, let’s talk!
Why I Believe Phone Calls Are More Powerful Than Texts
A year ago a friend of mine introduced me to the book, Never Split The Difference.
The book is a treasure trove of information since it’s written by a professional hostage negotiator from the FBI named Chris Voss.
It’s all about how to properly negotiate in all aspects in life which I think has some pretty amazing correlations to what we are trying to do here.
Negotiate your breakup.
One thing about the book that really stuck with me was this concept called the 7/38/55 rule.
The 7-38-55 rule is a concept concerning the communication of emotions. The rule states that 7 percent of meaning is communicated through spoken word, 38 percent through tone of voice, and 55 percent through body language. It was developed by psychology professor Albert Mehrabian at the University of California, Los Angeles, who laid out the concept in his 1971 book Silent Messages (1971). (Source)
I bring this concept up for one simple reason.
When you are texting you are technically only tapping into 7% of the meaning that you could possibly be conveying.
One of the biggest reasons that my team and I believe the “phone call stage” is so powerful is that it allows you to tap into an extra 38% of communication that you are missing.
And if you follow the value chain to it’s logical conclusion it makes a lot of sense for how we’re laying things out this way.
- The text message phase – 7% based on words
- The phone call phase – 7% words + 38% tone of voice
- The in person phase – 7% words + 38% tone of voice + 55% body language
In other words, as you climb the ladder you begin to unlock the more meaningful ways to communicate. When you pair that with the fact that you’re ideally supposed to be building value you have a killer technique that yields results.
How Do You Transition From Texting To Phone Calls?
Usually one of two thins happens if you’re doing a good job in the texting phase.
First, your ex may initiate the advance to the phone call stage on his own if you’ve done a great job building value during the texting phase.
However, we find that in most cases this doesn’t occur.
So, the most successful method we’ve found for breaching this boundary is something I like to call the phone call transition text message.
Here’s how it works.
Begin telling your ex a story via text message. It’s important that this story is actually interesting or has some type of meaningful payoff.
The payoff is the most important part because it’s what will actually make your ex want to get on the phone with you.
Use a few text messages to set the story up and then suddenly stop the story and text your ex this,
This can only really work if your ex is engaged and interested in the story. If he’s not then you’ll probably fail.
The other aspect of this that’s important is the fact that you need to call him.
Notice how I framed the ask for a call not so much as an ask but more of a statement.
Instead of saying, “can I call you” and giving your ex an opportunity to reject you turn it into a matter of fact statement.
This is what’s going to happen.
Now, the moment of truth on if this worked actually occurs in the silence of the moments when his phone is ringing. If he accepts the call and wants to continue talking it means that you’ve successfully advanced to the phone call stage.
If not then that means you misgauged and probably didn’t build up enough value in the texting phase.
What Is The Goal Of Getting On The Phone With Your Ex?
Repeat after me.
The goal of every single phase before the commitment talk is to build value.
I’ve noticed a lot of my clients actually struggle with that during the phone call phase.
Well, because the phone call is the least defined phase of the bunch because it often overlaps and intertwines with the texting phase.
A lot of people like to look at get your ex back strategies in linear fashions but the flaw with that is that reality isn’t that linear.
When you advance to the phone call phase you don’t suddenly stop texting. Instead, you often continue to build value and use the phone calls to further those ends.
They work together in unison.
Think back to the beginning of your relationship. There weren’t constraints on what “phase” you were in.
Instead, all you had to do was just flow. Well, we are going to try to get back to that flow state during this phase by using texting a phone calls together.
Build the value up so high until your ex begins to suggest meeting up.
We’ve seen it happen time and time again.
If you follow the steps, put in the time your ex will be the one to want to see you.
But there are rules for seeing him in person.
How To Use In Person Interactions To Get Your Ex Back
Kissing 101 – How To Make Any Man Kiss You
So, let’s start things off by talking about what a Meetup is and how it differs from a Date.
For your reference this is a stage of the value ladder that you shouldn’t even be considering until you’ve built up sufficient value in the texting and phone call phases.
Generally, we are going to keep things at this casual and gradual pace.
Mostly we are focusing on maintaining a natural progression and slightly increasing the intensity of the Dates.
In the past, I’ve referred to this as the Three Date Theory. Basically, we are attempting to go on three “Dates” with your Ex.
And I laid three Dates out as:
- A Small Date
- A Medium Date
- A Large Date
But the flaw with that approach was the fact that people took them to mean three actual Dates. And instead of inviting their Ex out on a light “Meetup” style interaction, they’d invite their Ex out on this super romantic Date that would end up being way too much way too soon.
It blew their chances of getting their Ex back.
But, that’s not a mistake that you are going to make, because we have learned better.
So, I’d like to introduce you to the new approach we are taking:
- Romantic Dates
So, what are Meetups supposed to be?
I’ve often struggled to explain them myself but I’ll give you my best explanation.
Meetups = Coffee
Dates = Dinner
Romantic Dates = Horseback Riding + Dinner
I hope you recognize that the threat of pressure starts off low with Meetups and increases as they progress into Dates.
Examples Of Meetups
A Meetup should come across as light and almost unimportant.
It needs to be more meaningful than an everyday activity but not so meaningful that your Ex starts thinking this is meant to be romantic.
How You Should Act During Meetups
Years ago, before I was married, I asked a very pretty girl out on a Date.
Compared to every other time that I had asked someone out, this was… different. I found her to be more Ungettable that anyone
I had ever known, although I didn’t have a word for it then. To me she was just out of my league.
As a result, I began to hype the Date up in my mind. I felt pressure to be perfect. I got so worked up that I washed my car, bought new clothes, and even planned out the first few topics we would discuss.
I had never felt like this before when preparing for a Date. Sure, I’ve been nervous, but not enough to buy a new outfit. I get that that may not make sense to a lady. But, us guys, we don’t normally do that.
Why was I acting like this? Well, because I saw her as being out of my league, I assumed she was accustomed to a higher quality Date. So, I felt like it couldn’t be just any other Date.
The funniest part is that it turned out to be what was possibly the worst Date of my life.
She was nothing like I had imagined.
This is why taking the pressure off is so important. The Meetup doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be good enough… good enough to get him to agree to a second Meetup.
Obviously, I’m trying to make sure that you don’t put pressure on yourself to make the Meetup perfect.
At the same time, we don’t want your Ex to feel that pressure either.
Would you like to know an interesting fact about men?
When I look back at all the Dates I have been on in my life there is one that was always memorable. Here’s the thing though, it was absolutely ordinary. There was nothing special about it.
In fact, I am sure that almost all of the women reading this site have been taken on Dates 100 times nicer than the one I am talking about.
While the Date wasn’t anything special, the thing that really stuck with me was that the girl I took on the Date made me feel comfortable.
And while you are setting up a Meetup, not a Date, you ultimately want to make a point of making sure that you keep things comfortable.
The best way to do this is to go into it with what I’ve been known to call the Friend Vibe, which is basically just keeping things casual until the attraction is rebuilt.
Transitioning To Dates
The best piece of advice that I can give you as you transition from Meetups to Dates is to make sure and nail your Meetups and make sure that they are enjoyable and comfortable.
You want your Ex to see the interaction as something that drives him to seek out another Meetup that requires a higher level of intimacy.
Which we will talk about in the next chapter.
Until you naturally transition to Dates from Meetups, focus on using Rapport Building and keep your ex wanting more.
You can leave Meetups on a high note just like you would with a Phone Call. Bring up something interesting right as you have to leave. Cut it short by saying you have to be somewhere and suggest finishing the conversation another time.
Let’s say you have two people, Jack and Jane.
They are meeting for a cup of coffee.
And Jane pulls the “Damsel in Distress” while she and Jack are in the middle of a Meetup at a coffee shop.
They get there and chat for over an hour about the things that have happened since the Breakup. you know, highlights. They both seem to be enjoying the experience.
Then Jane gets a call from her roommate letting her know that the AC is broken in the apartment… oh dang! The Date has to end just as it was getting good!
Jane hugs Dick for a few seconds longer than normal so that lingers with him and off she goes.
She played him like a fiddle because that Meetup ended so much sooner than he was expecting Dick cant stop thinking about the interaction.
That hug… what does it mean?
In fact, what does it all mean?
He has to take her on a Date.
That’s the kind of scenario we are trying to manufacture here and it often happens when you end your Date right after the peak, or most exciting part, of the Date.
Dates And Romantic Dates
There is an important distinction to be made between the two.
Dates = A planned one on one get together that can be classified as “romantic” but is unclear enough on that fact that your ex doesn’t really know your true intentions.
Romantic Dates = Also a planned one on one get together except it is clear that it is meant to be Romantic, either by one or both of you clearly stating that it is a Date.
It’s important to keep this in mind because it is how you keep track of where you are in the ExRecovery Process.
You should only be going on a Romantic Date after you’ve already landed and had at least one successful Meetup and one successful Standard Non-Romantic Date.
That absolutely has to happen before you even think about setting up a Romantic Date.
So, we need to talk about how to tell the difference if it isn’t obvious.
The Difference Between Standard Dates And Romantic Dates
The only way I can think to explain the difference is to lay out some examples of the difference between Standard Non- Romantic Dates and Romantic Dates and then talk about what makes them so different.
- A casual meal at a restaurant
- Take a cooking class
- Visiting a theme park
- Taking a painting class
- An escape room
- A sporting event
- Visting a bookstore
- Botanic gardens
- Haunted house
- Gocart Racing
- Street fairs
- Food festivals
- Visiting the zoo
- Mini Golf
- Laser Tag
- Watching the sunset together
- Moonlit stroll on the beach
- A theater or comedy show
- Private hot air balloon ride
- Museum with wine
- Horseback riding
- Going to the opera
- Cooking a meal together
- Private wine tasting
- Private dance class
- The planetarium
- Intimiate jazz club
Look at these examples.
Do you notice a difference?
Well, now that I’ve got some examples laid out, it may be easier to explain the difference.
Look at the Standard Non-Romantic Dates. They all have some things in common. They are in public around other people, they give you something external to focus on, or both.
The level of intimacy is lower than the Romantic Dates.
Look at those now, the Romantic dates…
The Romantic Dates have some common trends as well. They either give you the opportunity to focus completely on each other, they have a Romantic atmosphere, or both.
This is why it’s important to progress from Meetups, to Standard Dates, to Romantic Dates.
The level of intimacy is increased gradually, therefore coming off as less intimidating and more natural.
The Goals For Dates
Obviously, your overall goal with our Program is to get your Ex back but when it comes to these Dates, your goal as always is to continuously build rapport and overwrite the way your Ex saw you at the moment of the Breakup.
Make each date memorable
You do this by making sure that each Date is memorable, regardless of whether it is Standard or Romantic.
Now, you need to know that when I say memorable, I don’t mean overboard.
Take the show the Bachelor into consideration.
They are great at making sure that every date has some aspect of memorability and excitement.
Now, because it’s made for TV they tend to go a bit… overboard.
But the concept isn’t too far off from what you need to know.
They don’t plan dates, they make memories.
It sounds corny, but it’s exactly what we are going for.
Regardless of whether your Date is Romantic or not, you want your Ex to leave with a positive memory.
Here is where things get tricky though, you can’t make him remember it by taking him on a bachelor-esque date.
Like I said above, that’s too much. You need to make the Date exciting yet comfortable, something he wants to experience again.
Increase Your Rapport And Level Of Intimacy
As you continue to interact with your Ex by getting together, your goal is to increase rapport and Level of Intimacy.
You have to keep this in mind and not be distracted by the problems of the past.
Those can be addressed once you get back together.
With each date, you want to display a little more of the value that you bring to the table.
Only after your Ex expresses that he’s enjoyed the Non-Romantic Dates and intend to have more interactions like this can you start angling for something slightly more romantic.
In fact, assuming he doesn’t progress the romantic nature of the date on his own, when he asks you to hang out again, you should be the one to suggest a location or activity instead of leaving it up to him.
Remember, nothing over the top, just slightly more romantic.
How To Get Your Ex To Commit To You Again
Now we get to the hard part.
As I’ve stated multiple times throughout this article we are very big on this concept of merging a value ladder with a value chain.
But there are difficult areas as you transition from one rung of the ladder to the next.
Almost as if an invisible barrier exists as you climb.
This transitionary phase where these barriers tend to pop up are the in between spaces that no one talks about.
As you transition from no contact to texting, from texting to phone calls, from phone calls to dates.
You get the picture.
Well, the final and arguably most difficult transitionary barrier that you’re going to have to overcome is the commitment barrier.
We’ve designed our entire process to chip away at this singular barrier from the very beginning.
Usually what happens for a lot of our clients is their ex will end up asking for them back at some point during the in person phase assuming you didn’t rush things and followed all the steps.
I’m going to talk about what to do in situations where they don’t ask for you back in a moment but I’d like to explore the psychology of commitment and ex boyfriends for a while.
What Has To Happen For An Ex To Re-Commit To You?
Getting your Ex to recommit to you is all about creating Synergy.
Yes, we’ve walked through the Value Process, meaning the way that the Value Ladder and Value Chain work together.
But we are nearing the end of that process now and, while you should keep working through the Value Chain as needed, you need to know what it takes to get your guy to WANT to commit.
There are six things you need to focus on to do that.
6. Fear of Loss
These six things don’t just stand on their own.
They work together… thus, synergy. If you need to know,
Synergy is when two or more things work together to have a biger effect than they would on their own.
Imagine them arranged like this.
Every time you build on these and they work together, imagine that they become linked.
You build on these links and the effect they have becomes more solid, more… effective.
I get that some of you might need an even more realistic visual.
So, imagine a hoola hoop and taking yarn and stringing it from one point to another.
Then, imagine trying to balance a bowl in the center.
It’s more likely to hold it if there are more strings to hold it up.
The idea is to strengthen these areas to get your Ex to that place.
So, let me explain what I mean when I say these six words.
- Satisfaction in this context refers to how satisfied your Ex is with your interactions. It’s what we’ve been working on this whole time we’ve been talking about Dating.
- Alternatives are how he sees you compared to other women. Now, I’m not saying that you should start comparing yourself to other women. But, in his eyes, you should appear to be the only option he sees. This is why we worked on the Holy Trinity and becoming Ungettable.
- Investment is anything he puts into the interactions; money, time, emotion, and even energy. There have actually been studies that prove that even people unsatisfied with the Relationship they are in, will stay in a Relationship if they feel like they have some kind of stake in it. However, this aspect has to be balanced out by the other five aspects. Otherwise, they will feel as if all they do is give and they don’t get anything out of it. That is why we talked about how to bring Value to the table.
- Scarcity is often mistaken for not being too available. And, while availability is important, Scarcity actually pertains to how your Ex sees you. He needs to be of the opinion that there is no one else out there like you.
- Urgency is a concept taken from marketing. Think about a the last time you felt like you had to buy something RIGHT NOW. Urgency in dating is the same thing. it is the feeling that if you don’t ACT NOW the moment or opportunity might pass you by. It’s a factor that you don’t want to give into on your end but you want your Ex to feel heavily on his end. It goes hand in hand with…
- Fear of Loss is important, because if your Ex values your interactions then he won’t want to let that, or you, go. However, even if he values you, if he feels like you are going to wait around for him no matter what he does, then there is no Fear of Loss. You get my drift?
Regardless, these are the things that you need to instill in your Dating experience to get your Ex to recommit.
And before you get excited and go overboard, I will say… this needs to be done with a light touch.
But, it’s pretty self explanatory.
Don’t press too hard or be too available.
Here’s how these six factors work together.
They get separated into two categories based on what they affect.
They either appeal to his Reasoning or inspire a desire to Commit.
And as long as they are approached properly, they push him towards actual commitment.
What To Do If They Won’t Commit
Let’s say you’ve done everything in this article exactly as it’s been laid out.
You’ve made it all the way to the Romantic Dates and your Ex still hasn’t displayed any signs that he wants to get back together and make things official. Basically the bozo won’t commit to you.
Maybe he’s hinted a bit about it but nothing ever official.
What do you do?
It’s actually simpler than you probably realize, at this point, to take matters into your own hands.
I would only suggest doing this if he’s been receptive to the Date and he shows signs of wanting to go on another, though. In cases where that hasn’t happened yet you might want to read this resource.
To illustrate this I want to talk about a client I had when I was first starting out as a Relationship Consultant.
She’d been on four dates with her Ex:
- 1 Meetup
- 2 Standard Dates
- 1 Romantic Date
And, still, he didn’t budge!
From everything she had told me, the Dates had gone well and he had been receptive. But, like most men, I think he was a bit of a coward when it came to facing rejection.
But, in my experience, who isn’t?
I certainly fit into that category before I landed my wife.
Regardless, I learned this move from my very first girlfriend and to be honest it is still such a great move.
Basically, things are going great, you’ve been on several Meetups and a few Dates.
You’ve been on at least one successful Romantic Dates and it’s looking like your Ex is cool with the idea of another.
Here’s what my first girlfriend did.
We got along great.We had held hands. We were acting very much like we were a couple. And since we were pretty much dating, I was avoiding officially asking her out.
So one night, after a long conversation, the girl I had already assumed was already my girlfriend but hadn’t discussed it, says this to me,
“So, what are we?”
I quickly replied, “Well, we’re dating aren’t we?” “Ya, but are we like…. official?”
“Ya, I guess we are!”
It seems so simple, right? Anyways, I remembered this move when I was working with my client. So, I advised her to give it a try.
So, she took her Ex out on a Romantic Date and during the high point, meaning the most romantic part of the Date, she looked into his eyes and said those four simple words,
“So, what are we?”
It worked! Just like it has worked for countless women after her.
But, why does it work?
Well, it has to do with the credibility that has been built up to that point.
Think about it, your Ex should have been on four Dates with you, at least one being Romantic one.
By now, he should at least kind of be seeing you in a romantic light.
The key is also to hit him during the most romantic part of the date and stack the odds in your favor for the outcome that you want.
You may have noticed that while we’ve essentially gone through our entire process from start to finish there were a few glaring omissions.
Probably none more so than how to handle social media after a breakup.
That’s because when I started planning this article out I determined that the strategy for social media is pretty much the same from start to finish and even that’s not accurate because you never technically stop using social media even after you get your ex back.
So I’ve decided to touch on a few rules here to keep in mind with regards to social media.
Now, this isn’t going to replace a huge guide on it but consider it a quick start to give you enough to go on going forward.
So, what I’m going to talk about here is meant as general rules for social media.
Post Frequency On Social Media After A Breakup
One of the most prominent questions we get on EBR has to do with the frequency of social media posts.
People often think that they should stop posting altogether after social media or begin kicking their posting into overdrive.
The answer is actually neither.
You want to post “a little bit more.”
This means if you were averaging three social media posts a week bump it to four or five.
When Should You Be Posting?
I used to falsely believe that the only truly important time to post if you were trying to get your ex back was during the no contact rule.
If you read my gigantic article on the no contact rule then you’d know I talk a lot about social media being an almost indirect way of communicating with your ex.
However, the longer I’ve done this for and the more I’ve learned I came to accept the fact that you should never stop posting.
Always be posting throughout all the stages of the value ladder and the value chain.
We see this consistently with our success stories.
What Kinds Of Things Should You Be Posting?
Again, I want to reiterate that if you want advice on social media after a breakup then you’re best bet is to head over to that section of our website (LINK).
Not only will it give you more specifics about how to accomplish your goals via social media but it’ll be hyper specific.
Nevertheless, what you pot on social media should be relatively the same across all platforms.
You should be posting in a rolling pattern based on four topics.
- Health based things
- Wealth based things
- Relationship based things
- Whatever your passionate about based things
Those who are keyed into my teachings on the no contact rule will definitely recognize three of those categories as being from the holy trinity,
If not, just read this article as it talks about them quite a bit.
So, basically let’s pretend that you wanted to use our rolling strategy out.
- On day one you’d post a picture on social media of you going for a run which falls into the health category.
- On day two you’d post a picture of you working hard on your book that you’ve always wanted to write a wealth based one.
- On day three you’d post a picture of a get-together you’re having with friends.
- On day four you’d post a picture of a new pair of headphones you bought that you’re super pumped for.
- Once you’ve gone through the gauntlet once you start over and go through it again and again.
Eventually you might want to experiment by posting things out of order but the important thing is that you’re posting things in those categories since you’ll be cultivating the new image you want your ex to view you as from afar.
Handling Holidays And Special Occasions
The average success story we’ve some from our end usually takes anywhere between 3-6 months which for some, can be an enormous amount of time.
When you’re dealing with this length of time it can sometimes be difficult to keep track of all the rules when dealing with holidays.
So, in this section I’d like to briefly cover what rules are altered during holidays and special occasions.
What are some of the holidays and special occasions that we’ve seen in our time coaching individuals?
- Valentines Day
- New Years
- The Mooncake Festival
- Eid Al-Fitr
So, being honest how you handle each of these holidays depends on where you are at throughout our process.
For example, someone who is in the no contact rule will have a different set of alterations than someone who is in the texting phase or the in person phase.
Coach Anna and I did a fantastic hour long interview where we literally covered how to handle all holidays so I recommend you give that a listen.
But really there’s one huge question I’d like to answer before we move on to the big mistakes we see people make after a breakup.
When Do You Reach Out During Holidays?
The hard fast rule we have lived by is pretty simple.
If you’re in no contact DO NOT reach out to your ex about a holiday. If you’re in a rapport building stage it’s ok to reach out most of the time.
I say “most of the time” because there is a circumstance where I would advise a client to wait.
Let’s say that you have finished your no contact rule and you’re due to reach out to your ex on Christmas. We’ve actually found more success in advising our clients to wait until a little after Christmas.
Well, the first contact text doesn’t constitute rapport building. It constitutes rapport starting and there is a difference.
So remember, wait until after you’ve actually begun building rapport.
Big Mistakes People Make After A Breakup
What Is The Fastest Way To Get My Ex Boyfriend Back?
How Do I Know If I’m Chasing Him?
The Quickest Way To Get Your Ex Back
Should You Give Your Ex A Gift?
And now we come to the part of the article where we talk about the biggest mistakes women tend to make after a breakup.
So, what I’d like to do is briefly list out what I think the big pitfalls are that have a negative impact on your overall chances of success.
In all there are six big mistakes I’d like to cover today.
- You Are A GNAT
- You Beg For Your Ex Back
- You Skip The Value Ladder
- You Write A Long Love Letter
- You Show Up Unannounced To Their House
- You Break The No Contact Rule Too Early
Let’s talk a big about how these big mistakes impact your chances in a negative way.
Mistake #1: You Are A GNAT
“GNAT” is a term I coined for excessively texting or calling your ex.
Not only is it aptly named but it’s a great acronym.
We know from studying our clients that many of them have anxious attachment styles and “GNAT’S” are very common with anxious attachment styles.
When you should be giving an ex space and signifying secure elements regarding your attachment style excessively texting an ex to get their attention of “fix things” undermines that goal completely.
Mistake #2: You Beg For Your Ex Back
Many of you will have already made this mistake. It’s very normal to want to “fix things” and thus beg for your ex back.
What I’m really referring to here is begging for them back after you don’t get immediate results with the process.
I’ve outlined my program in a way to can annoy people because of how long it takes to work.
But I would prefer a program that works as opposed to one that doesn’t but that’s just me.
One part that’s essential for my program to work is for you to NOT beg for an ex back.
Not only does this cause you to lose leverage but it also causes you to lose whatever respect you may have gained over your ex.
Mistake #3: You Skip The Value Ladder
I’ve gone on and on throughout this article about “the value ladder.”
It’s without a doubt your game plan to success and we’ve done extensive research on how it can help you through real life case studies.
But if there is one flaw with it it’s that we designed it in a way that the steps can’t be skipped.
And if they are then our clients usually pay for it in a negative way.
Mistake #4: You Write A Long Letter
I’ve never been a proponent for writing letters.
Even in the article above where I talk about it I mention that you should only ever write a letter to your ex if you’re very close to getting them back.
Well, for those clients who’ve had the misfortune of writing a letter we’ve noticed that they’ve never had success.
Now, usually I throw out the word “never” in a loose way.
In this specific case I mean it when I say we’ve NEVER had a client use a letter and see positive results afterwards.
Mistake #5: You Show Up Unannounced To Their House
Sometimes you can grow so desperate after a breakup that you decide to do something bold like showing up to your exes house and force a conversation.
As you can imagine, this often doesn’t go very well.
Well, I think it’s probably along the same lines as what occurs when you GNAT.
You look overly desperate and lose leverage.
Plus often times these type of actions are motivated by severe emotions in the moment and you don’t show up to their house with any type of plan.
So, when the moment comes to say something you talk in circles because ultimately showing up at your exes house is more about you feeling better than anything else and they can sense that.
Mistake #6: You Break The No Contact Rule Too Early
This is probably the most common mistake we see on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
Roughly 80% of individuals who try the no contact rule will fail it.
This means that at some point during no contact they’ll break it to talk to their ex when they aren’t allowed to.
Now, there are a few circumstances where you can but they are rare.
So, why does this lower your chances?
Simply put, every time you have to redo the no contact rule it loses a little bit of effectiveness.
Some people waltz through no contact thinking it’s ok to mess it up and start over.
And technically they are right and technically they aren’t.
Someone who fails the no contact rule one time can find it extremely effective the next time they try it.
It won’t be as powerful as the first time they tried but it can still work.
Now, compare that to someone who failed it fifteen times.
By that point the no contact rule may not even work because your ex knows what you’re up to and they’ll have just gotten annoyed with you.
This is why I consider it to be a mistake.
Ok, this is where things get super complicated.
Thus far we’ve been operating under the assumption of a general breakup.
This means our value ladder and value chain ideals are meant to be used in a normal breakup without any abnormal circumstances.
But one of the big things I’ve learned in my decade is that everyone has a unique situation and sometimes unique situations require alterations.
Luckily, with so much time dedicated to Ex Boyfriend Recovery I’ve written hundreds of articles on all the little alterations you need to make for the various circumstances you may find yourself in.
So, consider this section to be about pointing you in the right direction with regards to understanding how to tailor the game plan we’ve spent like an hour on in this article to your specific situation.
You Cheated On Him
- You Want Your Ex Back After Cheating On Him…. Here’s What To Do
- EBR 020- How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back If YOU Cheated
- You Cheated On Your Boyfriend And Now You Want Him Back
- How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back If He Thinks You Cheated But You Didn’t
- Fix Your Relationship If You Cheated On Your Ex Boyfriend Before Its Too Late (Video)
- EBR 055: Should You Lie To Your Ex Boyfriend On Purpose?
- How to Get Your Ex Boyfriend to Forgive You
- The Definitive Guide To Micro-Cheating
You Broke Up With Him
- I Regret Breaking Up With My Ex Boyfriend; How Can I Get Him Back?
- You Broke Up With Your Ex Boyfriend And Now You Want Him Back
- I’m Still In Love With My Ex
- How To Re-Attract Your Ex Boyfriend
You Share A Child Together
- Get Your Boyfriend Back If You Have A Child Together
- Here’s How To Get Your “Baby Daddy” Back
- Getting Your Ex Back If You Have A Child Together
- How To Get Your Ex Back When You Have A Child With Them
You Live With Your Ex
It’s Been Years Since The Breakup
Handling Long Distance Exes
- The Complete Guide To Getting An Ex Boyfriend Back In A Long Distance Relationship
- EBR 004: Breaking The Long Distance Barrier With An Ex
- If You Had a Long Distance Breakup Here Is How You Get Back Together
- How To Make A Long Distance Ex Commit
- What It Takes To Make A Long Distance Relationship Work
You Are Pregnant
Dealing With Age Gaps
- What Your Ex Boyfriends Age Can Tell You About Him
- Age Gaps With Ex Boyfriends (What They Mean & Do They Matter?)
Your Ex Is Coming Off Of A Divorce
You Work With your Ex
It’s An On Again/Off Again Breakup
- How To Get An On Again/Off Again Boyfriend Back
- On Again/Off Again Relationship Advice
- Breaking Up Again After Getting Back Together
- How to Keep a Man Interested
- How to Get Your Ex to Like You
- My Ex Dumped Me Twice
Your Ex Is In The Military
The Two Of You Were Engaged
Your Ex Is A Narcissist
Your Ex Dumped You
- How To Treat Your Ex Boyfriend Who Dumped You
- What To Do If Your Boyfriend Says He Wants A Break
- Do Dumpers Come Back After A Breakup?
- Do Dumpers Move On Faster After A Breakup?
- What To Do When Your Boyfriend Breaks Up With You
- How To Get A Guy Back That Pushed You Away
- Will He Come Back If He Told Me To Leave Him Alone?
- What To Do If Your Ex Dumped You Unexpectedly
- Ashley And Jared From The Bachelor Tell Me The Key To Making
- How To Make Him Want You Back
You Had A Really Bad Breakup
- My Relationship Ended Badly; Can I Sill Get Him Back?
- How To Get Him Back If The Breakup Was Your Fault
- How To Get Your Ex Back After A Bad Breakup
Another Woman Is Involved
You’ve Made A Lot Of Mistakes
Some Of The Success Stories With Our Program
This is where things get fun!
“When I found out about the Facebook group that was what sold me on buying the book because I knew that I needed support from other people that were in my same position. I loved it because there were people in all stages of this process and I found a lot of wisdom there. I was able to learn from other people’s mistakes, I was able to rejoice with them when they were successful, and cry for them when they were not. It was just a really great experience. When I started the process and when I joined the group, I had no hope. I felt like since I was blocked, I was probably you know blocked on the phone too and even if I sent a text that he wouldn’t get it or he wouldn’t respond, so I couldn’t be more pleased with the way things have turned out so far. “- Mary.
“The only reason why I text him is because of your book. I promise you because we both can be very very stubborn and if I hadn’t had a road map and you mentioned that in the beginning of your book too, if I hadn’t had a specific plan and roadmap we would not be together today because I didn’t have the tools otherwise to approach it in a very strategic and intentional way. So for that, I’m eternally grateful.” – Jessie.
“I never thought it would work because he had actually told me we’re never getting back together. Then I got this random text, he texted me “hey”, I didn’t answer. He texted me again “it’s important I need to talk to you. That’s when he was asking for me back.” – Sarah Michelle.
“The support of the Facebook group does really help and having all them people to back you up on what you’re doing, you just know you’re doing the right thing. People that have gone through the program as well that have achieved that and whether they’ve decided whether they want their ex back or not by the end of it.” – Laura.
“Your program is amazing. I think pretty much anybody should do it, basically just to learn how to deal with making themselves better and being better communicating better. I don’t even think it needs to be in the situation of a breakup really because it helped out so many different elements in my life so thank you.” – Bethany.
“I was on the Facebook page; I could take it wherever. I had my phone and when I felt my lowest, I could go to that Facebook page and you felt connected with others. So to have people really care it just that that means the world so for me that matters to me. If someone’s genuine that takes it for me so that’s what I appreciated too so it was kind of a package of things that made me think wow I got to stick with this.” – Kelly.
Keeping Him Once You Get Him Back
Getting back together with an Ex is the goal of every single person that enters my Program but you’d be surprised how many of them forget to think about life past getting your Ex back.
Our research has indicated that close to 50% of couples who break up and get back together will break up again within three months.
As I’ve said, my goal is to make sure that you ultimately get what is best for you out of my program, so I added this section to help you out.
Let’s dive in.
What Happens After Getting Back Together?
Every Relationship has a Honeymoon Phase. However, re- established Relationships usually result in a Mini Honeymoon Phase.
This is essentially the same thing as the Honeymoon Phase we’ve talked about before, but the difference is that it won’t last as long.
It’s pretty much exactly what it sounds like.
There is a reason for this. And of course I’m going to explain it.
Throughout the Program I have alluded to the fact that people tend to be fascinated with new things.
- New cars.
- New shows.
- New episodes.
- New computers.
You get the idea.
Well, when you get back together with an Ex there is a sense of newness that colors the entire Recovered Relationship that is similar to starting a brand new Relationship.
But, you’ve already had a Relationship before with this same person.
And yes, even if you both have grown as people, your are likely to settle into a sense of normalcy faster that you would in a brand new Relationship.
Thus, the Honeymoon Phase is mini.
Now that you have a grasp of what a Mini Honeymoon Phase is let’s shift our focus to the next concept I want you to absorb, the Fallout Phase.
The Fallout Phase
The Fallout Phase is a period of time after you get back with an Ex where things seem kind of weird and awkward.
Usually it’s just carry over awkwardness from the Breakup.
I mean, inevitably, things were said and actions were taken when the two of you broke up and they can’t be taken back.
Sometimes, we say things in the heat of the moment that can be hurtful.
Often they are true, but when you are dealing with a Breakup it’s unlikely that you will have a constructive conversation about them.
Instead, you blurt things out without thinking them through or phrasing them in a way that doesn’t make you seem like a complete jerk.
It’s not just you.
Sometimes those things come from your Ex during a Breakup.
They’re out there.
And you both know it.
Or it could just be the awkwardness of knowing that even though you are back together, one or both of you took that step to split up in the past.
It can manifest some fears that your partner holds a grudge or cause you to wonder if your partner will do it again.
**How To Build A Healthy Relationship**
There are 10 Characteristics that we are going to talk about that need to exist in a Healthy Relationship.
- Conflict Resolution
- Openness & Honesty
- Room For Growth
Focus on these ten things and you’ll give yourself the very best chance to keep your relationship together.
Now, a part of me wants to take each of the ten things listed above and write another ten thousand words on them (because that’s what it would probably take to do it properly) but I’m afraid this article is already a behemoth and these ten things are literally discussed in depth in our Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program so I’ll leave it at that.