Want to wager a bet?
I guarantee that he is thinking of this break up just as much as you are. In fact, I bet it is haunting him even more.
“Why?” you ask?
Because he is the MAN and he is supposed to remain in control of the situation. He is supposed to feel like he has all the tools in the universe to solve the problem. He has that typical alpha male ego that tells him he has to win. He has to be a provider and a protector.
Unfortunately, right now, he has no answers and his ego has taken a blow.
He will reach out to women who will soothe and stroke his damaged ego. He will act like the break up doesn’t affect him at all. He will go to the gym to work off his anger. He will get on those dating sites because those women don’t know the real him. They will only know what he chooses to show them.
He appears strong to them. He appears to have it all together.
We all know that he just doesn’t and that’s why he withdraws from us.
Where To Start
What do you do about it?
Easy. You become the biggest, baddest, most courageous woman you know. You immerse yourself in what you love. You try new adventures.
If it seems he has forgotten about you and you’re not sure he wants you back, or even if he doesn’t want you back, you keep on doing the things that make you happy.
No, it isn’t an easy step, especially if your relationship was longer than a few weeks or months even.
The best advice I can offer?
Literally, make him doubt his own existence for the next 21-45 days during No Contact. The No Contact period is essential for regaining your footing and start focusing on yourself. The No
Contact period allows you and him the time you both need to get past the feelings of hurt, anger, and resentment. It gets you past the highly emotional post-break up phase where you say things you will ultimately regret.
Quit obsessing over what he is or isn’t doing. Focus on yourself and what you can and need to change. Who cares if he has a dating profile? You are not together. He isn’t begging for you back. Did I mention that pesky alpha male ego?
More than likely he won‘t even bother to contact you during the No Contact period. No worries.
His feelings are hurt and society as a whole has not been overly accepting of men sharing their emotions. He has been taught that talking about his feelings and expressing his emotions makes him weak. We know otherwise.
Pay Attention to Your Needs
Allow yourself a good cry (or two) and start focusing more on yourself.
There is no guarantee he will come back, so do not remain in a miserable state waiting for him. Get back to the woman you used to be. The one he found exciting. The one he wanted to spend his future with. The one he made plans with.
Are you doing it for him?
You are doing it for you!
Make a List: Pros & Cons
Make a list of the pros and cons of the relationship.
Was he too controlling?
Did you have insecurity issues? Did he like to go out and party while you liked a night in? Was he great about bringing flowers to every date? Was your sense of humor spot on with his? There are so many factors to consider.
Consider the past, ever stay there, and also the future. Did your goals match?
Make a list of what you are specifically looking for in your man. Now, as hard as it may be (rose colored glasses and such), see how many of these qualities are matched by your ex. You may discover that you don’t really want him back.
Or, you may decide that some of his qualities are ones you never considered before. I know a stellar sense of humor is a must for any man I date. I can be sarcastically savage, so I need someone who can return it
List Number Two: His Concerns
Make a list of things that concerned him about you.
- Were you too needy?
- Were you a text gnat?
- Were you overly available to him?
- Did you get mad if he hung out with his friends?
Work on things that make YOU a better person, regardless of him. Therapy is a great tool and you needn’t feel guilty about going. All of us could benefit from a few good therapy sessions where we just get it all out.
List Number Three: Take Chances
Make a list of things that you have always wanted to do. Yes, this list may include things the two of you discussed doing together. Don’t wait for him. If you want to run with the bulls in Madrid, DO IT! That ballroom dancing class?
You should take it. Skydiving is on my list and I have researched several places locally that offer tandem and solo jumps. That tattoo? Get it. However, I will recommend never getting a name unless it is your child’s.
Make a list of the things you did BEFORE the relationship.
We have all been guilty of abandoning our friendships when our relationship started. Go back to the gym. Take the cooking class you always talked about. He didn’t like you dying your hair? Go for it! Rediscover who you were before the relationship consumed you.
After all, I’m guessing you were pretty fabulous already before he came into your life.
Resist the urge to text or call him. Again, I know how difficult it is. I find journaling to be a great way to express myself.
I don’t recommend emails or texts because it is all too easy to hit “Send” and regret it the instant you send it.
By physically writing it down, you not only make a record of it, but you can allow your emotions free reign. As time passes, go back and review what you could have accidentally sent. Would you really want him to see it?
Make your life the most exciting thing. It doesn’t have to suit everyone.
Enhance your intellect and study up on a subject that intrigues you. I went all nerdy and studied Russian. I took a basic course when we were dating and he adored the fact that I could banter to him in another language.
I enjoyed that power, so to speak, and really enjoyed being able to impress him in a way that most others could not. However, I was able to discover a great group of individuals who shared that passion and went with them to several Russian themed events.
You know those places you always said you would go?
Go. Don’t wait for anyone to do it with you.
If you want, grab a girlfriend and go on the adventure of a lifetime.
You know, maybe even go to Las Vegas with the biggest, baddest bunch of Ungettable Girls ever to flaunt your new independence and learn from some pretty darn phenomenal examples how to be even more fabulous!
Pick Up New Skills
Show off your skills. Take an instructor’s course for whatever it is that you excel in. It may not interest all, but if you love it (and that type of passion shows), let your knowledge shine. Teach a fitness course if that interests you.
We all have special skills.
We all have passions.
Highlight your knowledge. Intelligence is so sexy!
Many of us have that pipe dream that we want to pursue. Write out a business plan.
Figure out what resources you need. Read up on how to start your business. Invest in yourself. Yes, it will impress him, but more so, it will prove to you exactly how valuable you are. You do not need him to succeed.
Embrace a New Goal
In the end, it shouldn’t matter whether you get him back or not. During this time you will come to the dawning realization that you are worthy of someone who treats you with respect and kindness, even if that person is yourself.
As silly as it may seem, check his relationship with his own mother. If he doesn’t respect her, chances are he won’t respect you either.
When you see him again, he will be blown away with how far you have come. You no longer live in that protective shell of him. You are so much more than what he left behind. Your brightness will shine. That happy glow will emanate from you and he will be left wondering why he let you go.
You may meet him for coffee or ice cream and casually explain to him that you have an important meeting and cannot stay. He will be left wondering what is more important than spending time with him. He will be puzzled that all of a sudden your life does not revolve around him and he is no longer the center of your attention.
By gaining your independence and showing off the real you, you have given him pause. You have given him something to think about. You are no longer that needy woman who just had to see him seven days a week. You no longer need to speak to or text him all day. Now he has to figure out a way how to get you back.
The woman he loved once is gone, but he suddenly realizes this new woman is so much more than he left behind. He now needs to find a way to commit to her. If she no longer puts up with his lame excuses or ignorant behavior, he really has to up his game. He has to change as well. And, let’s face it, break ups are never 100% either party’s fault.
If he doesn’t commit to her, someone else most definitely will. Men hate to lose the big prize. YOU are now that prize.
He cannot get enough of you when you talk about your passions. He loves that gleam in your eye when you talk about base jumping; something he was always scared to do. Who is this magnificent new woman?
He may even begin to think of what he needs to do to get HER to commit to HIM. Let him think these things. Be flirty. Be fun. Be Ungettable in a great way. Leave a bit of mystery as to what you have been up to during your time apart. Be light. Be mysterious.
Let him wonder who you may have dated. Let him wonder what you did with those hours you used to spend with him. Let him wonder who gets your sweet Good Morning and Goodnight texts.
You are no longer an open book to him. He has to work a bit harder. He will be left questioning how he could have let you go. You can still play the damsel in distress at times, but he will be blown away by the woman you have become. You are much stronger than you can even imagine.
The thing is, you have to get out there and do it. Quit focusing on him and what went wrong. By pursuing what makes you happy, you become a wonderful and vibrant woman, capable of handling any mess that gets in your way, your ex included.
By showing him what a bright and breezy woman you are, you are awakening in him the need and want to commit. In order for him to win the prize of you, he will need to become a man and face up to the challenges of winning your commitment. If he steps up, more power to him. If he doesn’t… Guess what? There are so many other fish in the sea. Go fishing!
You are a catch and he knows it. Now it is up to him to make the commitment of being a better man and walking away with the prize. By making yourself the Ungettable Girl, you have automatically raised his standards.