Guys can drive you nuts sometimes, can’t they? Especially when that guy happens to be your ex-boyfriend. Between the mixed signals, emotional shutdowns, and random midnight “you up?” texts – it’s enough to drive any girl insane.
I know that I myself am struggling with dealing with my ex – I’m getting mixed signals up the wazoo, and it’s absolutely exhausting.
So today, we’re going to chat about how to navigate all the twists and turns of dealing with your ex-boyfriend when going through the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery process.
First Thing is First: Take the Necessary Space and Do the Necessary Work
I know a number of fabulous ladies in the private Facebook group who have succeeded in getting their ex boyfriends back.
Do you want to know what they have in common?
They all attacked the No Contact Rule with everything that they had.
They committed to following this part of the program and understood that the best way to attract your ex back is to take some space and re-focus your attention on you.
They didn’t spend their No Contact periods mooning after their ex’s and crossing days off of the calendar.
No. They went to the gym. They took up a new hobby, they started pampering themselves more, applying for new jobs. They spent more time with friends and family. Simply, they started focusing on themselves more. They looked at the Holy Trinity of Health, Wealth, and Relationships and got organized.
I am a list person. I like to be organized. I recommend you try to approach trying to get your ex back in a very logical, methodical way. You are undoubtedly emotional, and getting organized will help you to cut through the emotions and look at things more analytically (which is almost certainly how your ex is looking at things).
So I recommend making two lists (I’ve encouraged this before). One should be a list of things your ex loved about you. That list might look like this:
- My cooking
- My sense of humor
- My eyes and smile
- How much I care about people
- My sense of adventure
- (and so on…)
The other list you should create is a list of things that your partner complained about. That list might look like this:
- That I didn’t go to the gym
- That I complained a lot
- That I spent too much time at work
- That I was overly anxious
- That I sleep in too much on weekends
- (and so on…)
Then, during No Contact, work equally on things from both lists. But keep in mind, you shouldn’t be changing yourself for someone. Only put down things he disliked if YOU want to change them, too. For example, if you guy wishes that you had bigger boobs, I do not recommend going out and getting plastic surgery. This is all within reason.
Tackle all the points on your list and utilize social media. For example, based on the above, maybe on a Saturday morning at 8am, you take a grinning selfie of you at the gym with a positive caption. And then maybe you make breakfast for yourself after and post a picture of it, to remind him what he’s missing.
The No Contact rule is one of the main pillars of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery program. And it should be used once you are back in contact, too. One mistake that I see a lot is that women make themselves too available to their exs. Go silent on him for a few days. Make him think you’re busy and out dating and having a good time. Make it clear that your life does not revolve around him. Because really, it shouldn’t.
Excuses and Tactics to Counter Them
I’m sure your ex gave you some reason of why he broke up with you. Very rarely does a guy just end something without reason. Here, we are going to look at some excuses and lines guys use, what they look like, and what you can do to counter them. Please note that No Contact should apply to all of these situations before using any of the below techniques.
The Line: “I don’t feel the same about you anymore/This isn’t working anymore”
The Situation: Typically, I feel like this line comes out of nowhere. Things feel fine, and then he ends it, and it feels like a smack to the face. I’m not sure why guys don’t communicate when they are having doubts. My ex sure didn’t. This line could very easily be an excuse. I feel like a lot of men use this line when there is something deeper going on, but they don’t want to share, and they don’t want you to feel like it’s something that you can fix. They don’t want you to have any hopes, and so they tell you that they don’t love you the way they once did.
I tend to think that guys want relationships to be easy. They don’t get the work that goes into them. So to them, if it’s not easy, they fear that it isn’t “right.” Your guy may still care about you, he just all the sudden may be freaking because the honeymoon period is over and things are hard.
The Counter Attack: Remind that man of why he fell for you in the first place. Use the list method from above to accentuate your positive qualities and work on the not so positive. Guys like feeling that high of first falling for someone, though they wouldn’t easily admit it. You want to make it so that he associates you with positive feelings. It is imperative that your interactions are all positive and not overly emotional. Strive to be the Ungettable Girl, because that may be the exciting, unattainable part of you that he is missing.
The Line: “I think we’re better off as friends”
The Situation: This line usually comes from a guy who may claim, like the above, that he’s lost all romantic feelings for you. But he still sees what a cool person you are, and doesn’t want to lose you from his life. Or maybe you were married and he can’t imagine his life without you. If this is the line that was used, it’s possible that your ex simply wants freedom. He wants you in his life on hold, because he may want to be with you one day, but as of now, he wants to do single guy things. It may be that he is afraid of committing to you now, but wants you available in case being single isn’t as great as he thought.
If that’s the case, tread carefully. This guy is selfish and looking out for his own needs. You’ve been friend zoned, but the good news is, that is relatively easy to overcome. I’ve done it.
The Counter Attack: After building some positive rapport post No Contact, slowly start to ramp up the flirting. You want to make it so that he can’t help but see you in a sexual or romantic way. This is where the “health” part of the Holy Trinity will come in handy. We all get a bit lazy in committed relationships, which is why it’s important to remind him of what a catch you are. It’s also beneficial to use jealousy tactics once the flirting has hit a certain point. You want to make him doubt that he has you under his thumb.
The Line: “I met someone else”
The Situation: Pretty self explanatory. And it sucks. However, it could also be that cheating wasn’t involved, and he started dating someone shortly after the two of you broke up (If this is the case, she is almost certainly a rebound). So this will in general cover a situation where another woman is involved post break up.
The Counter Attack: If there was cheating involved, I would encourage you to consider if having this guy in your life is in your best interest. Life is too short to be with someone who isn’t absolutely enthusiastic to be in your life, talking to you every day. With another woman in the picture, I would suggest the Being There Method. Stay a part of his life. Make her worry about you and feel insecure about the connection that the two of you share. Try to remain a prime person that he trusts and feels comfortable being vulnerable with. Men value those that they can be vulnerable with.
The Line: “I just can’t be in a relationship right now/I want to be single for a while”
The Situation: So if your guy is using this line, it could be that he has some emotional baggage he needs to work through. It could also be that he isn’t ready to commit and just wants to go out there and see other people for fear of not having lived enough.
I think this is one of the more frustrating lines that can be used because it means that they generally acknowledge you to be a wonderful, awesome person. But there is something inside of them that is messed up/scared, and they want to take the time to fix it/sleep with lots of people before settling down. It’s annoying because it’s all about them, here. In one case, them and the necessary healing, and in the other, them and their general selfishness.
The Counter Attack: No Contact is an important step for all of these, but I would say an especially important step if this is the situation you find yourself in. Guys tend to process emotions slower than women, so giving him some time to sort out his issues and miss you will be important. It’s also very possible he’ll realize that being single isn’t as fun as he thought it would be, and will start missing you. Do No Contact, and work on being the ultimate Ungettable Girl to show him that what he gave up is completely irreplaceable. If he is dealing with baggage of some kind, this time apart may also help him to work out whatever demons he’s dealing with, and may help him realize that he didn’t need to give you up to work through it. That you may, in fact, be of help to him as he works thorough it. Remember what I said above about men and vulnerability.
The Line: “I just don’t know what I want”
The Situation: Ugh. The confused man line. So maybe your guy is just really confused about…everything. You, career, life. If this is the case, it’s likely that a lot of the above things are at play – he’s dealing with something internally or maybe wants to be single and selfish for a while.
The Counter Attack: My advice here is pretty much exactly as the above point – No Contact. Force him to face the repercussions of his actions. He doesn’t know what he wants? Make it clear what a life without you will be like. He may think he enjoys the freedom at first, but slowly, the loneliness will start to seep in. Embrace No Contact and strive to be an Ungettable Girl. If you do this, the time apart may help him to sort out what’s going on in his head. It may seem like a bit of a gamble, but by taking yourself away as an option, you force him to make you a conscious choice.
“I Need Me”
All guys are different, but the types of lines that they use when they break up with us tend to be very similar, and some sort of iteration of one of the above. There are different ways to deal with them, but remember that the most important step is fully embracing No Contact and spending some time to focus on YOU to get your bearings.
I’ve been re-watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer (shocking no one), and a quote stuck out to me a lot this watch around that I thought applied nicely for how to approach No Contact.
“It’s like…maybe I don’t need a guy right now. I need me. I need to get comfortable being alone with Buffy.”
No Contact is a wonderful thing if you take it as an opportunity to focus on yourself and make yourself better. And if your ex comes back in the process, great. But if not, you’ll be more comfortable with yourself, and that is what really matters.
(Written by Rachel)