I had this teacher in college who told these long, long stories with lessons embedded in them. At the end, he never gave us a reason for telling us the story, he’d just jump to a random spot in the lesson plan. I’m about to throw a lot of information at you, but there is a point, because today we are going to answer a question that we get asked CONSTANTLY.
There is a point I swear, so bear with me.
I know. I know.
I am going to have SOMEONE tell me that you shouldn’t make decisions about your life based on a guy’s opinion.
And you want to know something?
I agree with that statement 100%!
However, guess what it is that I hear every single day all day.
“What can I do to attract my ex?”
So, I am going to answer that question today… just not in a way that you would expect.
There are sites out there that will tell you hundreds of things.
Guys like skinny girls. Guys like curvy girls. Guys like girls who are athletic.
You see the problem here?
They all contradict each other.
Every single person on this planet is different. There are thousands of chemicals, and hormones, and neurotransmitters flying around inside of our bodies. And none of of the millions of people out there is an exact same combination of those chemicals, hormones, and neurotransmitters. Those combinations are what makes you want who you want when you want them.
Sometimes… those combinations make you feel like you are a little crazy. I’m sure you can understand that right about now.
But, there are some things that are ALWAYS attractive… no matter what.
I’m going to go through them and one and you are going to go… “duh!”
But first we might as well get this one out of the way…
Yes, being hot is great, but did you know that it takes milliseconds for your prefrontal cortex to make a snap judgement on someone’s appearance.
Think about the last time you were attracted to someone. I’m not talking about deciding that you actually want to move forward and have a connection with them. I’m talking about seeing someone from across the room and going “damn!.”
Now, the way we were raised, past relationships, and what chemicals happen to be ruling our body at that moment; these are the things that can change the way that you perceive people and what you find attractive.
And I’m not saying that you have to be drop dead gorgeous for them to notice. That is more about ideals.
For example, us women, we find more rugged men with chiseled features attractive when we are ovulating. weird right?
Now, developing this attraction takes rapport. But the initial attraction typically starts before you even get a chance to exchange words.
When I was younger, my mom had me convinced that men only like women with long beautiful hair. It stuck with me for a very very long time. So much in fact that it took me till I was well into my twenties before I ever got the nerve to give short hair a try. And guess what?! My ex to this day will not stop telling me how hot it was.
So, it’s important to you not to get too hung up on the little things.
So, let’s talk about general physical attractiveness. That would be the physical things that men are drawn to naturally, however they CAN be overridden by past experience and the person’s basic love-map (the way we learn to love from our parents as children).
- Wide hips, slim hips, butt and boobs – No I haven’t suddenly turned into Sir Mix-a-Lot, although apparently the man was dropping some serious knowledge. (might I suggest a dance party with him if you happen to be having a down moment.) Once men get to the point in their life where their bodies are surging with hormones automatically. They start to gravitate toward women who’s bodies reflect the same surge. It’s not something that they can control. Surging amounts of estrogen basically rewire a woman’s body, widening hips are it’s natural preparation to give birth at some point (even if you aren’t planning on it, your body is just wired that way. There’s nothing you can do about that.) Estrogen also tells your body start storing fat in different areas, making your waist seem smaller and all of the other areas get more… voluptuous. But, if you happen to be lacking in the meatier areas, don’t feel bad. (don’t tell me you haven’t been beating yourself up throughout the entire last paragraph if you are) Because, a majority of guys have a TON of other stuff that overwrite their basic instincts. Not to mention having too much or too little of those fun little testosterone and estrogen things flying around. So, don’t get hung up on it. It’s not a deal-breaker always.
- Beauty – I know. You are probably asking me, “Seriously?!” But, every single person is attracted to different things. Different cultures determine beauty in different ways. In the Paduang and Kayan cultures people lengthen the women in their necks by adding neck rings at a young age. That means that the young boys of that grow up knowing that to be beautiful. Believe it or not estrogen and testosterone play a part in this too. Men with low testosterone, or excess estrogen, find women with strong jawlines and deeper voices attractive. However, men that have higher levels of testosterone and lower estrogen find femininity more attractive. Crazy right?
- The Color Red – It makes it sound like men are… cartoon bulls. But basically, they are. Did you know that blue is something that our brains automatically associate with knowledge, loyalty, and compassion. In marketing it is used to convey the feeling of trust. Think Facebook, Twitter, Linkdin, and Dropbox. Think about how much information we pour into those sites. Trust. Likewise, red is naturally associated with strong emotions like power, love, and passion. So when you wear that red dress or red lipstick, just know that when he sees you he will be associating your thoughts with strong emotions.
On a different note, the psychological traits that we find attractive are far more motivating than the physical ones. In fact, physical attractions, long lasting ones, are built on the back of mental attraction. It’s not like something you do to replace physical attraction. It is something you do to enhance it, to make it last.
So, when you are wondering what is mentally sexy, take the following points into considerations.
Being interested is sexy. No, I did not say be interesting. Although that is good too. Being able to focus on the person you are interested in is more important than you can know. And I don’t just mean making small talk or asking questions and then just waiting for your turn to speak. I mean being genuinely interested in what it is that they are saying.
Attraction is about perception. Have you ever been on a date with someone who is absolutely gorgeous and then gone home after and gone “what. the. actual. hell” because their personality might as well be an ice cube. I get it. I have actually been there more than once. And being a beautiful, beautiful, chiseled man is not a replacement for a personality.
Knowing Who You Are is Wildly Attractive. Seriously, we are all searching to figure out who we are, all of us. And finding people who know, is like finding a life preserver after falling overboard or a pink starburst. And finding that makes people hopeful.
Behavior lies in the grey area between the mental and the physical.
Confidence is Contagious – I know that contagious is like the last word that you want to hear when talking about relationships and being sexy. That is what makes it so unbelievably attractive.
Have you ever heard that you ARE the people that you spend the most time with? Because I have. I’ve heard it from my mother. I’ve heard it from mentors. I have read it in every single business book that I have ever read.
Basically, if it’s commonly agreed upon by the majority of the world, then it’s worth considering. Right?
Being confident makes all of the people around you feel more confident. It makes them want to be around you.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Confident does NOT mean cocky!!
One word… Charisma – Charisma requires you being present and aware of the things going on around you, being actively engaged. Charismatic people create actual connections with the people around them. Charismatic people have the ability to make you feel like you are the only person in the room.
Both of these things reflect the way that you effect the way you carry yourself.
Haven’t you ever met someone and just been attracted to the way that they carry themselves?
Because, I can attest to the fact that it is VERY attractive. I’m guessing most of you will agree with this.
What I’m Getting At
I KNOW you are wondering what it is I am getting at and I am gonna lay it out right now.
I am going to explain how to turn all of this information into an actionable game plan that you can use to catch your ex’s attention.
Cultivate Physical Attraction
This one is the obvious one.
- Hit the gym. Get a trainer. Start doing yoga. Find an activity that you enjoy and stick with it. Being active changes your body in ways that aren’t just physical.
- Change your hair (within reason I can’t stress that enough. Don’t go shaving your head or anything. The idea is to be more attractive.)
- Learn some new make-up techniques. Youtube has worked wonders. My niece has skipped that entire awkward phase by learning her style from watching a couple Youtubers. She seriously puts some of my friends who work for M.A.C. to shame.
- If you have issues with your appearance and the way you feel about it, then you should talk to someone, a professional. Learn how to love who you are.. Because it is really just THAT simple and THAT difficult. There is no avoiding it. You really do have to love who you are.
- Basically you just have to care. Caring about your appearance and putting effort into is the important part.
Cultivate Mental Attraction
Learn to connect with people.
Oddly, this is not a thing that is common these days. So, even the slightest understanding or attempt at understanding how to do this puts you leaps and bounds ahead of other people.
Have you ever been hit on aggressively by someone and they just won’t listen to what you are saying?
That is what happens when you aren’t good at connecting with people.
Think about how fast you want to run from the people that come at you like that, without being able to connect, all you want to do is run.
So, work on connecting with the other people in your life.
It’s like a muscle, the more you use it, the more you practice, the better you get.
It’s one of those “practice makes perfect” kind of things.
Don’t jump on the relationships that you are focused on right now. Build up the other ones, the less damaged ones.
Cultivate Behavioral Attraction
Building self-esteem, charisma, and confidence, it is something you should do whether you are trying to increase your ex’s attraction to you or not. It isn’t an easy thing to do these days, especially if you struggle with it already.
But getting through these other steps affect behavior. They make you stronger.
And guess what, being stronger makes you more charismatic and confidence.
It’s a cycle.
I know that there are a million different people, articles, and shows telling you that you have to look a certain way and act a certain way to get a guy’s attention, but every single guy is different when it comes to what they find attractive. But literally every person on this planet is attracted to people who:
- Care for themselves
- Care about others
- And Respect Themselves and Others
The idea here was to make these things doable for you, but no one else can do these things for you. So, put on your game face and jump on it.
And one last time I’ll ask you to “guess what!”
- When you feel overwhelmed, you have our entire team to back you up. So… put any questions or concerns you have in the comments and we’ll get you on track.