Today we hear from a woman named Elizabeth who finds herself in the situation that we probably have the most experience with here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery, a general breakup.

Now, what do you think I mean when I say “general breakups?”

Truthfully, it’s a breakup where no other crazy circumstances caused it.

  • There is no long distance..
  • There is no cheating…
  • There are no other people involved…

This is just a good old fashioned breakup.

Alright, enough rambling.

Let’s talk about Elizabeth’s situation,

  • She is from Houston
  • Her ex and his family came to watch her graduate
  • He broke up with her out of the blue
  • He said he wasn’t the guy to make her happy anymore
  • She is doing the no contact rule
  • She wonders if this is a lost cause

What I Talk About In This Episode

  • What men really mean when they say “I’m not the one to make you happy anymore.”
  • The New Version Of Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO
  • The New Search Function Coming To The Website
  • Date Ideas
  • The Value Chain
  • Puzzle Theory
  • And Much More…
I Want My Ex Back
Do You Have A Chance?

Ex Boyfriend Recoveries Basic Strategy

infographic-puzzle-theory-500x497

Transcript

Emcee:

Welcome to the ex boyfriend recovery podcast, where we help you get your ex back and have the fairy tale ending you deserve. And now your host, he’s been dubbed as the ex whisperer, Chris Seiter!

Chris:

Hello and welcome to another episode of the ex boyfriend recovery podcast. This week we’d be going back to our normal format which is basically filling questions from viewers and then answering those questions and I’ve got something exciting from lined up today from a woman named Elizabeth but I”m going to get to her in a second. First, let me give you a quick update on what’s going on around the website. We’ve been working really hard on a couple of aspects around the website. First things first, we are working on redesigning the website to make it even better and we are working on implementing a search function. So basically when you come to the website, you’re going to be prompted–whenever you want to of course but you have the opportunity to search the website for content specifically relating to your situation.

Now, why is this important? Well, the number 1 complaint that I get with the current design of the website befalls around, “Hey! It’s really hard to find the content that matches to my situation.” So, this is kind of the way of remedy-ing that and I”m really excited about the search function because it’s not going to be kind of one of those–it’s going to be a very advanced type of search function. It’s going to scan all of the content to find the exact keywords that you’re looking for. So, it’s going to find content that matches up to your situation but here’s the coolest part: It’s going to save all the searches I ever get. So, if I start seeing some trends, like some people searching for a situation that I’ve never written about before, it’s going to save all that and I’ll have it there and I’ll know, “Ok, I need to write this article for this people because a lot of people are searching for this and I don’t have any article that covers that.” So, we’re working on redesigning the website. Adding that search function, we’re going to make it a lot more visual and a lot easier to read. Our goal is to simplify things so there’s not so much going on and it doesn’t seem spammy because I know sometimes our website can seem a little spammy with some of the prompts to buy the products or sign up for the quiz or something.

In addition to that, I”m coming up with more quizzes but kind of the really big thing that I’ve been working on for about two months now is, I’ve finally finished ex boyfriend recovery pro. Yes, I’ve finally finished re-writing it. It’s about 78,000 words which to put that into perspective, the very first Harry Potter book, I believe was only like 75-76,000 words. So, this thing is actually longer than the very first Harry Potter book ever written and I’m really excited to have it divided up into three parts but I don’t want to get too in depth on it because there’s a number of things that I still have to do. I still have to either hire a voice talent to do an audio version of the book or I’ve been also debating doing the audio myself so, I can maybe stop in the middle of the book and expand on things. So, the people who buy maybe the –opt the higher tier version of the book, including the audio will get something extra that the people who just bought the book itself won’t and I’m really, really pumped and excited that I got this thing done. For the longest time, I kind of felt bad that I was promoting a product that I didn’t think was the best I could do. Well, this is truly the best I could do and I’m confident in saying that I really  have not seen anything out there that is as in as in depth and as all-encompassing as I made this. Stay tuned for that because hopefully in another month or so, everything will be completed and it will go live and I will make everyone aware of it. Let’s see what else has been going on.

Well, the house hunt, I don’t know  if I told you guys. I think in the last episode I told you that we were working on securing a loan for the home. We are due to move in on June 24th. I’m very excited about that because I will get my own office and like I said, I’m kind of calling it ex recovery headquarters because that’s where it’s going to be. That’s where all the magic is going to happen. That’s where I’m going to get some peace and quiet to create more content and help more people and lately my wife and I have been kicking around the idea of the coaching again but more than that we’ve been kind of wanting to do some webinars where we do live seminars online that anyone can sign up for for free and ask their questions real time. So, if you’re listening to this podcast, I have a favour to ask you.

If this webinar idea sounds like something that you would be interested in, please let us know in the comments because I’m trying to gauge what you guys want and I know you guys want personal coaching. That’s kind of the number 1 thing that you’ve been wanting for a long time but unfortunately there’s only one of me to go around. So, I think the webinar maybe is the next best thing so to speak but that’s a little off into the future and let’s just get right down to it. Today we’re going to hear from Elizabeth.

Elizabeth:

Hi Chris,

My name is Elizabeth and my boyfriend of almost two years, out of the blue just broke up with me two days ago, a day after he and his family came down to see me graduate here in Houston. The word that he used, the phrase he used when he was breaking up with me was he didn’t feel that he was the guy to make happy anymore and of course, I don’t feel that way at all but that’s exactly how he felt and how he phrased why he was breaking up with me. I’ve read over a lot of your pages, like the no contact rule and just the ways to get him to miss me and ways to kind of rekindle our relationship, — just should I be concerned that he said he doesn’t feel that he’s the guy for me to make me happy because I still– I love him dearly and I’m giving him time and space to think things through but is this a lost cause? Please let me know. This guy means the world to me.

Thank you for your time. Bye.

Chris:

Well, thank you for having the courage to ask your question. I know lately a lot of women are almost on the verge of tears when they ask their questions. That always hurts me a little bit because I don’t want them to be feeling that way and there’s no reason for them to be feeling that way. Now, kind of as an interesting side note. When I pick people to feature on the podcast, the number 1 thing that I always look for is something that interests me. So, it can’t be a situation that I’ve already covered and if it is a situation that I’ve already covered, there has to be some sort of interesting aspect to it and believe it or not, this is going to sound maybe like a little–like I’m playing favourites here but the interesting aspect of Elizabeth’s situation was the fact that she said that she was Houston.

Now, growing up, I am actually from Houston. So, I know the area very well. I grew up in a town called Friendswood which is about 20 or 30 minutes outside of Houston but I was in Houston a lot. We went to the Houston Astro’s game, the Houston Texan’s games and there was– back when they had Astro world in Houston. They tore it down unfortunately but it was like this huge Six Flags Theme Park which was really fun and exciting. So, believe it or not, I know that sounds a little bit corny but that was kind of what I was able to connect with Elizabeth on and also made me want to help her more. Even though she has a situation that I feel like maybe I’ve already covered before but I think there is some interesting aspects to it that when I took my notes for her situation, there’s a few highlighted areas that I think I’ve never talked about before. So, for those of you who maybe heard a similar situation, there is going to be kind of a new twist that I talk about here. So, let’s get right down to it.

The basic situation that Elizabeth has fallen under is what I like to call a general breakup. She was dating her ex for two years. It’s interesting he broke up with her one day after he and his family came to see her graduate. His reasoning was he didn’t feel like he was the guy to make her happy anymore. She wonders if she should be concerned that he said that and obviously her last question was, is this a lost cause? Ok, wow. A lot to cover here.

So, the first thing I want to talk about is the fact that this is a general break up. It doesn’t seem like there’s any cheating involved. To my knowledge and to my Elizabeth’s knowledge, there’s no other girl involved so, it’s not like he moved on to someone else. It’s really just a basic breakup and I can’t help but notice that the timing is very suspect and I’m not saying that this is what’s happening Elizabeth but it’s something that you maybe want to consider. I’m just kind of like a devil’s advocate for you here. He broke up with you one day after he and his family came to see you graduate. Now that’s interesting to me. The fact that not only did he come to see you graduate but his family came. So, that tells me that you maybe were deeply embedded into his life to the point where his family knew you and his family liked you to the point where they were willing to show up for your own graduation. Now, I can’t help but notice the timing is suspect. One day after this big event happens in your life where you graduate. Now, I don’t know but I’m assuming you’re in high school, where you graduate from high school and you’re going to go to college, he breaks up with you. Now, why is that?

Now, I think it could be the fact that, maybe the fact that you graduated means that you are going to go on to college and maybe go out of state or go somewhere far away and he doesn’t want to deal with a relationship, a long distance relationship and personally speaking, I’ve been in one and I don’t recommend them. They are very difficult not seeing the other person and they require a lot of extra effort. There’s a lot of obstacles that every couple who is in a long distance relationship needs to overcome. So, I can’t help but notice the timing is suspect. So, I remember a story back when I was in high school and now, we’re talking maybe 8 years ago now.

Wow, 8 years but yeah, I was a senior in high school probably much like you Elizabeth, even though you just graduated but I was a senior in high school and my best friend West, he was dating this girl named Mariah and he was very, very interested in continuing his relationship with her and Mariah had a friend and her friend recommended to her to break up with West because he would be “a home buddy” because Mariah was also graduating and she was going to go away out of state and a home buddy I guess means someone who keeps you attached to home and you’re not allowed to be single because you’re in a long distance relationship and I don’t know.

The whole thing kind of spun out of control because obviously he was very angry with this friend for recommending that to Mariah. They ended up staying together. That’s a kind of an interesting note and I just want to say Elizabeth that it could be a situation like that happening where maybe one of his friends is in ear telling him, “Hey, you don’t want to be with her. She’s’ going to be leaving soon or you are going to be leaving soon.” It could be his family, who knows? But I think maybe a potential reason that he broke up with you is because he doesn’t want to get tied down if he can’t see you in person. He doesn’t want to enter into that long distance relationship. So, that could be a potential reason but I want to turn my attention to what he said. His reasoning for the breakup was, “I don’t feel like I’m the guy that make you happy anymore.”

Now, what does he mean by this? Does he actually mean it?  Well, all I could do is bring my own personal experience and my own personal opinion when telling people what to do or telling people–or advising people on their exes or what their ex’s are thinking. So, when I look at this situation, specifically if I was to put myself in your ex’s shoes and if I were to say something like that to me, I will not really mean it. I personally believe that your ex is lying to you. Why do I say that? Well, I’m selfish Ok? I’m not going to go into a relationship and just want the other person to be happy completely. I want to be happy as well and I found that this is the case with most people walking this earth. So, what I also know to be fact is the fact that people hate confrontations, specifically exes. They hate confronting each other. Specifically when they had to deliver heart breaking news like a break up. So, what do they do? Specifically men here, what do men do sometimes? They lie about their reasoning for the break up.

I already talked about a potential reasoning being the fact that you’re graduating. Maybe he’s graduating too and you’re maybe going your separate ways. You’re going different colleges, maybe that’s a potential reason that makes sense to me but rather than saying that to you and hurting your feelings and having you come back and say, “No, no we can make this works. You mean everything to me. Blah blah blah” He may be made up this reasoning that he wants you to be happy and he’s not the man to make you happy anymore. I think that could potentially be going on here where he is just trying to cover is own ass. So, he doesn’t hurt your feelings and personally speaking, I would only say that if I didn’t really mean it and if I was trying not to hurt the other person’s feelings because the real reason which is deeply rooted within myself for breaking up with you would be something completely different and you would not take it the right way.

So, I wouldn’t worry too much about what he says he doesn’t feel like he’s the guy to make you happy anymore. I don’t really buy into that whatsoever. Now, the other thing that I want to talk to you about Elizabeth is whether or not you want him back, this is a question that I post to all of my clients that I work with. Personally this is the question I post on the people that I try to help. Do you want him back? Because getting him back is very possible. In this circumstance I’ve seen it happen before. I’ve seen successes in situations that were a lot worse than this one. So, being my question to you is do you want him back? If you want him back bad enough and you’re willing to put in the commitment, the time and the effort to get him back, I can help you raise your chances for sure. But the question you have to ask is, do you want him back? Because I hate to say it but he does have a point. If indeed he did break up with you because you’re going to be going to separate colleges and you’re going to be kind of separated by long distance, a lot of times when you’re young, it’s very hard to make this long distance relationships work. Why?

Because you need a couple of things to survive a long distance relationship. Money being one of them. I know it sounds very cliché or very shallow of me but you do need money. Sometimes you need money to travel to see the other person. You need money to stay overnight. You need money to buy a plane ticket again to travel. You need gas money to travel. You need money. You also need time and you need to have the other person on board and an overlying plan to make things work toward you’re not going to be long distance forever.

And sometimes for someone who’s really young who hasn’t experienced the world enough and who hasn’t experienced their fair share of relationships, they don’t know a good thing whey they have it and the only way for them to learn it is experience it themselves. So, mentally they’re just not ready or willing to enter into a long distance relationship. So, I would say, do you really have what it takes? If you really want him back, I can help you but you need to ask yourself a question if you want him back. Sometimes women get hurt and they come to the website and they want their exes back and thenthey try my tactics and strategies and everything and they come to the conclusion that, “You know what? I think I’m better off without hm.” And I think that’s great. I love it when it happens because in the end, I am not concerned with your ex. I am concerned with your wellbeing and I know that you want your ex back more than anything right now and I know even if I tell you don’t get him back, don’t get him back , don’t get him back, you’ll still try to get him back. So, rather than letting you go on and try to get him back the wrong way, I like to teach people to get their exes back the correct way but ask yourself that question.

Do you really want him back? If it’s yes then here is the strategy I would recommend if I was in your shoes.

So, when I look at your situation, in my opinion, falls into the general break up situation. And for a general break up situation, you really don’t have to do anything to reinvent the wheel. Just stick to the strategy that I teach on ex-boyfriend recovery and I talk a lot about this in my new book. Specifically about this idea of the value chain. About how you want to slowly move him up the value chain. You wouldn’t ask someone you met for the first time to marry you right? That’s just insane. Instead you’d build attraction, you’d build trust, you’d build rapport with them and then when the time is right you’re in love and you see a future together and then you ask him to marry you because, why? The chances of him saying yes are much higher.

Same principle here with asking an ex to be in a relationship again with you and ideally we’re trying to get him to ask you to be in a relationship with him again but the same principle applies. You don’t want to come out of the gates going from 0-60 miles per hour. You need to kind of slowly work up to it. That’s why I recommend the no contact rule and then after the no contact rule, you want to move up the value chain to texting and then from texting to phone calls and then from phone calls to in person dates but there’s a lot of, probably the most important aspect of this value chain is everything that goes in between that. I’m trying to explain how to properly do all of these things. Now, I don’t have enough time.

Quite frankly it took me 78,000 words to explain everything you needed to do. I can’t write another Harry Potter book novel or I can’t talk another Harry Potter book novel on a podcast. So, what I’d recommend instead is to visit the website, buy the book, do everything you can to learn about my strategy for getting an ex back because in my opinion and I know it’s a little bit biased but we’ve seen–the ex-recovery team and I have seen incredible results with this particular strategy.

Now, when it comes to Houston, like I said I have a Houston connection. I think you need to–when the time comes to where you’re going to see him in person, I recommend this method  I like to call the three date method where you go on a small date first which is something like a date at Starbucks where it’s really short. It doesn’t seem like a date. It seems like just a hang out and then you go on a medium date which is longer but not as romantic, as finally the romantic date, the third date. Hence the three date method. When it comes to dating, I think there’s a number of things that you can do to spice things up because maybe the problem in your relationship was it got boring. I know you were dating for two years and though I’ve been married, I think for two years now and to me it doesn’t seem stale at all, I’m different than people. What I think isn’t stale maybe other people will think is stale. So, it’s just human beings as a whole. Their unique themselves and maybe he did think that your relationship was going a little stale.

Maybe it needs to be spiced up a bit. So, if I was you, I’d recommend going to exciting or new interesting places. I know the Rodeo comes to town in Houston a lot. Maybe go to the Rodeo. It’s a big thing for those of you who aren’t from Houston or for those of you who don’t know what the rodeo is, it’s basically like this cowboy’s haven where they ride bulls and horses and they have livestock and they have all this cool cowboy’s hats and stuff you can buy. Maybe take him there. Maybe go there with him. One of the places that I actually enjoy the most was The Kemah boardwalk. It’s this awesome boardwalk right on the water. There’s a Ferris wheel. It’s colourful. It’s awesome to go at night. I’d recommend that. Like going to an Astro’s game. That’s like perfect for a medium date. Astro’s games are really good because they’re not as loud as a football game. They’re not as loud as a basketball game. You can just kind of sit back in the chair and talk and build rapport while at the Astro’s game and who doesn’t like going to a baseball game with friends and potential girlfriends?

Another thing that I like to recommend to people is go to the beach. Galveston is a great place to go. If I was you, I would check out Galveston Elizabeth. Specifically they’ve got a Schlitterbahn there, which a Schlitterbahn, for those of you who don’t know what that is, is it’s basically a water park where you can go and they have like a lazy river. They’ve got a bunch of rides. Taking him there is a perfect for a– not romantic date or it’s a perfect medium date. Especially going there with friends. It’s the perfect group hangout. Besides if you read my strategy on the no contact rule, I’m a really big proponent of the health, wealth relationships. Trying to improve those aspects of your life when you’re in the middle of the no contact rule and specifically health. One of the things you can do is start working out and going to the beach and going to a water park like Schlitterbahn and Galveston is actually an awesome way to show off your body which you’ve been working on during the no contact rule. Since it is the summer there and I know it’s hot, you have this opportunities and I will definitely try to take advantage of them.

So, just to recap because I know I kind of went off on a tangent here, I’m specifically zoning in the in person interaction aspect of the value chain with you and don’t worry, I’m going to put a note here to create a graphic to explain this in the show notes of this episode but the basic strategy that I teach you in ex-boyfriend recovery for general breakups is you do a no contact rule something between 21 days and 30 days and then during that no contact rule, you are going to build rapport with your ex. Sorry, you’re going to work on yourself and ignore your ex. DO NOT build rapport with him. That’s actually the next aspect. Texting, that’s where you build rapport. You build attraction with him and when the time comes you advance text messaging up to phone calls where again you build rapport and attraction and then when the time comes, you utilize all that attraction you’ve built to secure an in person date and I recommend you go on three dates. The small date which is something like at Starbucks. The medium date which is something like going to the Kemah boardwalk, actually no–go into an Astro’s game, going to the beach, going to a water park and then finally go into a romantic date which would be The Kemah boardwalk where you could be in the water and it’s a romantic setting.

Those are the kind of things that I would recommend to do specifically in Houston Elizabeth but if you’re a native in Houston you probably know all this places and you’ve probably been to all this places.  It’s just food for thought. You can obviously do whatever you want but that’s how I would approach it if I was in your situation. That’s going to do it for this episode of the ex boyfriend recovery podcast. If you have any questions please ask them in the comments section. If you have any feedback on that webinar idea I ran by you in the first half of this podcast, let me know in the comments section. It would be greatly, greatly appreciated. I’ll see you next week.

Emcee:

Thanks for listening to the ex boyfriend recovery podcast at www.exoyfriendrecovery.com

What to Read Next

Why Does My Ex Talk To Me And Then Ignore Me?

By Chris Seiter | 0 comments

What Ex Boyfriends Think Before They Break Up With You

By Chris Seiter | 3 comments

The Psychology Of An Ex During The Texting Phase

By Chris Seiter | 6 comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

300 thoughts on “EBR 047: Navigating A General Breakup”

  1. Avatar

    Help!

    September 6, 2016 at 9:40 am

    My ex and I broke up 2 months ago and had only been dating for 2 months before that. Although it was short, we had incredible chemistry and seemed perfect for each other.
    He broke up with me because he wasn’t ready for a relationship and felt that I deserved better 🙁 I was absolutely heartbroken and tried to be really brave and understanding at first, but then I found myself getting super clingy; which was about the time I discovered this website! I started no contact (although we’d been in very limited contact up to that point anyway) and 32 days was up last weekend.
    It just so happened that we were both attending a mutual friends wedding just after the no contact period was over, which I thought would be a great opportunity to clear the air and possibly start to rebuild things.
    At first it was crazy awkward, but after a while he came over to me and we had a really great chat, totally relaxed and fun- which was just what I was hoping for. We were dancing together and messing around for the rest of the evening until his ride showed up and he left.
    At this point I’d had a few too many glasses of wine and I sent him a series of totally cringy texts, which I totally regret. He hasn’t responded at all, I’m so angry with myself as I feel like I’m back at square one!

    Should I start another 30 days no contact or is there a better way to approach this? Help!

    1. Avatar

      Help!

      September 8, 2016 at 10:59 pm

      Thanks so much for you advice 🙂 I’ve got no idea where to start conversation-wise, any suggestions? I’m so nervous I’m going to muck it up, or that he’s met someone else and I’m too late

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 10, 2016 at 9:12 am

      Check this article for texting. Texting An Ex Boyfriend (The New Rules)
      So, what if he met someone else, what matters more is what you can control. Be fun and don’t chase 🙂

    3. Avatar

      Help!

      September 7, 2016 at 7:21 am

      I basically said things like ‘I can’t believe you left the party’ and ‘I thought if this was going to be the last time I saw you we’d say goodbye properly’… I do not understand why I said those things 🙁

    4. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 8, 2016 at 8:20 am

      Oh, it’s not that bad. You can initiate a text a week after that.

    5. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 7, 2016 at 7:01 am

      Hi Help,

      how bad was the texts? did you blame or ask for him back in the texts?

  2. Avatar

    A

    July 23, 2016 at 2:52 pm

    Hi, its me again! We’ve sort of figured it out and he said ‘i just want to be an independent person and have only my education to worry about, and once thats out of the way and in a few years when its more serious ill start a new life and who knows! we could be holding eachother tight, sitting in a coach and laughing back at these times! but only god knows if we’ll get married and i still love you and miss you but am trying not to..like i swear if we dont get married id have to tell my actual wife that i loved someone more than her..and thats just the truth. You’re so beautiful i hope you keep smiling and sometimes i dont know where im going in this journey but i take myself back on track again and like i said, who knows we may actually be laughing at this after but hey! dont forget me okayyy, 5 years and a new life and new beginnings! i hope you try to move on and forget all this for now and try your best because i cant beg enough and im trying my best to make you hate me but its so hard with this pain, because normally couples break up out of a reason to which could be from problems, but we’ve broken up in love..and that doesn’t really happen! so keep that smile and i guess we should completely stop any contact now, im also trying to get off social media and just focus on my life, but after today please dont text anymore okayy, i know its hard but please try and in a few weeks ill message you and say my goodbye paragraphs, i love you.’
    by this i got a little confused because he tells me to forget him but not really forget him, so ill forget him but obviously keep in mind it could work out in long term future. And he did say that he felt like i changed after the breakup and thought i was being a little rude but i said its because im trying to hide my feelings and said ‘seems like you’re enjoying and having fun being rude and i thought the only reason you wanted to speak was to see if im doing okay’ but i explained it and we left on positive notes but, should i post any pictures showing me having a lot of fun? he is sensitive like me and could also get emotional and now has a new instagram which i wont follow since we shouldnt be making contact anymore but i could still make a fake account or whatever just to see what he posts but i just really dont know i miss him a lot! thanks for all the help xx

  3. Avatar

    Sue

    July 21, 2016 at 2:13 am

    I have just completed the 30 day no contact. I sent him a text, and he responded. We exchanged a couple of emails, and he told me his father died two weeks ago. 🙁
    I’m not sure what to do from here. I’m sad to hear the news. I have sent him my sympathies but I don’t think he is going to be in any sort of mindset to consider engaging much we me at the moment. What should I do?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 22, 2016 at 11:36 am

      Yeah.. It’s not the right time.. Be a friend if he needs one.. but right now, you have to let him grieve and continue on your own activities.

  4. Avatar

    A

    July 20, 2016 at 12:01 pm

    Hi, me and my ex have been together for 9 months, in highschool right now and we have a year left. We’re two shy people but very open and amazing when we’re comfortable. We have had a very healthy relationship and this one week where i hadn’t been able to talk to him much, he took time to think about life and wanted to start a new life on his own, maybe for a while or forever which he doesn’t know yet, he wants to be independent and whatever happens in the future happens (even if we do get back together or not) doesn’t bother him. this happened on June 2nd and he broke up with me for this reason, to be alone and make his parents proud of him and just do his own things, and it was a shock to me considering we’re both in love and it was a very emotional thing to think about moving on. I questioned why now and he so brought up the fact that He said he wanted to stop speaking at this point but we still talked a little and agreed to stop speaking after another week of Work Experience together, where we’d have to talk anyway. So in that week, instead of talking less we talked more and got so much more intimate than we ever did when we were together, but after that week i had feared that we’d stop speaking and he said that we should, but we still talk a little now and i feel as if i miss him more and text ‘lovey dovey’ and he texts me in the friend way so i sent him lots of paragraphs talking about all our beautiful memories, and after that said ‘but you chose a different path now..’ and him with that to think of and now i text him less. We still talk but now im trying to text less and be careful to not show signs of love, and he did text me saying ‘okayyyy lovelyyy’ which he deleted..he did tell me earlier on he’s trying to stop loving me, trying to have his own life and whatever happens in future happens. Can you help me with this texting issue, how much or what should i say? what is going to happen long term? (since next year we finish high school and will be more free and could start fresh then but this could go on for years?)
    Thank you so much for your help!

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 21, 2016 at 12:45 pm

      Hi A,

      don’t think too much… tell him you’re not ready to be friends yet and then start no contact…so that he will miss you..but be focusef in having your own life, in improving yourself and going out with friends.. so that he will see that you have your own thing, and whatever plan he has, you’re not a hindrance to it

  5. Avatar

    Friendzoned

    July 14, 2016 at 2:13 pm

    Hi Amore,
    I had previously written about how my ex friendzoned me after I refused casual sex. Now you advised I should date others. I am seeing soneone but as I am not close to any of ex’s friends and my friends are not a fan of my ex there’s no way for him to know about this. My question is should I casually mention it to my ex. I did mention the awkward meeting I had with this guy but more as a funny story than me meeting a potential date. My ex had said then “oh lucky guy you should give him a chance” and I had told him that “no he isn’t interested in me atakk (which I then thought was the case but turns out I was wrong) my crazy friend was trying to push me into him and it’s awkward”. Now should I tell him about dating this guy as a funny and friendly follow up? Or should I stick to stopping subtle hints about it?
    Looking forward to your response
    Cheers
    Friendzoned

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 14, 2016 at 8:29 pm

      hmmm don’t make it like you’re saying it to make him believe you or to get him to be jealous.. I think a social media post of your photo during the date is even better.. coz it’s more natural.. I’m not sure if I recommended this article but you should read this: EBR 012: How To Get Out Of The “Friend Zone” With Your Ex Boyfriend

  6. Avatar

    Josie

    July 12, 2016 at 10:30 am

    I’ve decided (probably temporarily) to just walk away. I’ve got too much going on in my life right now to even want a boyfriend and I’m starting to realise that he didn’t treat me all that great and he’s not going to change. I know you guys specialise in getting him back (which I’m not looking for until MAYBE a few months down the track) but I’m trying to just move on with my life for now and his mother keeps interacting with my family insisting he’s sad and lonely without me. Im under the impression she’s not aware i was the dumpee. My ex boyfriend has made it very clear to me and to his friends that he has moved on, and her constant interactions are clouding my mind with hope and doubt that I can’t afford to have right now. Me and her never saw eye to eye yet she’s trying to keep me around when I really believe he doesn’t want me there. What do I do?

    1. Avatar

      Josie

      July 17, 2016 at 11:51 am

      My goodness. I woke up this morning to a message from my ex as he said he’s worried about me and thinks im upset and said he still cares about me and hopes im okay. It’s strange because i’ve been pretty great lately and i’ve improved so much over these last few months and i didnt think i seemed upset around him. This is the first time he’s initiated contact and I tried to keep things brief but now im confused and dont know whether to move on or take this as progress. How do you know when to walk away?

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 18, 2016 at 5:52 pm

      it depends on the situation.. is it because he’s starting to change? if that’s the reason, let him prove it first.. let time do it’s thing.. because if he really is changing he’ ll persist for you

    3. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 12, 2016 at 6:19 pm

      Hi Josie,

      talk to her in person and tell her the truth in the nicest way you can

  7. Avatar

    Me

    July 12, 2016 at 2:13 am

    Hi! I am really enjoying reading your website and plan on purchasing your book! I have an issue that I hope you can help me with.

    A little background: my bf and I dated for 4 months. We were exclusive. Things seemed to be ok, but progressing rather slowly. He texted me every single day, several times a day for the entire duration of the 4 mos. We saw each other about 1-2 x per week. This last Friday he asked me out for Saturday. Then Saturday morning he texted me and said he would rather just came over and did not want to go out for day like we planned. I had a feeling that something was up. And sure enough he started to tell me that he is not sure if he can take this r/s to the next level. That he doesn’t know what is going on with his mind. He feels he has a lot of issues from his past relationships that he is having a hard time getting through. And he wanted to be honest with me and not lead me on if he couldn’t get past his issues. I told him no, I think you’re just not into me. He said no, it’s not you. I got upset and got up and walked away. And then told him it’s ok, I get it you’re not into me and that’s that! He started to say that he must not be communicating things properly to me and I I just kept repeating “you’re not into me, that’s the bottom line”. He then left my house.

    I saw him the next day at church. It was obvious to him that I was very upset. After the service he waved at me and said hi. Then I motioned to him to come over to me and asked him if we can talk. He said sure how about later today? I said fine. Then an hour later he texted me and said he would rather wait until Wednesday to talk. I said fine.

    So, my question to you is this: should I talk with him this Wednesday if he initiates making contact?

    I feel like I shouldn’t have asked him to talk when I saw him at church! Did I mess up??

    Thank you!

    1. Avatar

      Me

      July 13, 2016 at 4:54 pm

      He texted me yesterday asking to meet today. I have decided not to meet with him. Starting nc as of today. Let the countdown begin!

    2. Avatar

      Me

      July 12, 2016 at 10:50 pm

      Sorry to keep bothering you. I have one more question. Since he and I go to same church, we will be seeing each other. Is it ok if I wave to him if he waves at me? Or should I ignore him? I will not go up and talk to him or initiate any sort of contact.

    3. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 13, 2016 at 4:37 pm

      no [email protected] if you’re in nc, you can’t do that..it might initiate a conversation..if he does initiate be polite but don’t be engaging..excuse yourself asap

    4. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 12, 2016 at 4:37 pm

      hi Me,

      thing is, would it make things better? if yes go ahead, if not start nc

  8. Avatar

    Friendzoned or not

    July 11, 2016 at 1:56 pm

    Hi Amor,
    My ex broke up 5 months ago. I did a 21day NC and rebuilt rapport. We have amazing chemistry and recently nearly hooked up once but I made it clear I don’t have casual sex and he said he respects that (after ignoring me for a day). He now doesn’t give any more flirty responses. Is that bad or should I build up on the flirting slowly again? Also he shares a lot about his problems at work and says I’m closet to him in the city. Is this a good sign or am I getting friendzoned given that it’s combined with him not flirting. Not to mention he once told me (before he tried to hook up so could have been a jealousy thing or saying he is single) he is taking salsa classes to meet girls but haven’t met any. Am I getting friend zoned? i tried to reverse friend zone him already before but the issue there was he seemed fine with it but after one drink we would kiss or cuddle and then stop. This kept happening till I flat out told him no FwB and now things seem platonic. But should I walk away for a while? Is he trying to play it cool?
    Would really appreciate any help!

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 12, 2016 at 1:03 pm

      hi friendzoned or not,
      looks like you are being friendzoned.. don’t be too available, and continue the activities you started during nc and date others too

  9. Avatar

    Tamara

    July 9, 2016 at 4:26 pm

    Dear EBR team,

    Firstly, I’d like to say THANK YOU for all the effort you put into the website, books and videos. Your advice has helped me immensely. Chris seems to be the only man in the world with the courage to admit that certain things work on men, which most “male relationship” gurus never would.

    I broke up with my ex boyfriend 7 months ago, did the no contact rule FOR 4 MONTHS. Long story short, yessss, he asked me out on a date, and then, on that date, admitted he had a girlfriend, but wasn’t happy with her and wanted to break up & be with me again. I didn’t want to be the reason of their breakup, so I distanced myself from him, and after 2 months of no contact, he sends me a message saying he broke up with her and can’t stop thinking of me. However, I was busy with my finals, so he sent me the following message: “While you’re busy with your finals, I’m going to go on vacation for 3 weeks. When I come back at the beginning of July, we can go on a date 🙂 ”

    Now, here’s the problem – when he came back from his vacation, I realized he went on that vacation WITH HIS EX GIRLFRIEND. How do I know? He posted photos on his social networks. And yeah, he messaged me asking me out on a date.

    I’m really confused. It’s been 7 days and I still haven’t replied yo him. I don’t know what to think. Chris advises not getting baited into a fight… I get that, but should I make it so easy for him to have me, or should I cut contact again? Should I go on the date or not? (Honestly, I put on a really nice tan and want him to see me glowing, hahaaa!)

    Regards,
    Your biggest fan from Serbia :-))

    1. Avatar

      Me

      July 12, 2016 at 5:25 pm

      Hi Amor! Thank you for the response! I’m not sure if it will make things better. Probably not….so I will start nc. This is going to be so hard! I started reading the book and I think it will be very helpful!

      Do you think that some time apart will help him figure his “issues” out? Or is that just an excuse for he’s really not that into me?

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 12, 2016 at 7:12 pm

      hmmm.. let’s say it’s just an excuse.. then show him what he’s missing..

    3. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 9, 2016 at 6:47 pm

      Hi Tamara,

      he broke up with her but then went on a vacation with her? who is he fooling here…. himself or you? ok,.don’t get in a fight but be honest in the calmest way you can..
      Like,
      I just want to make something clear, because I’m confused and I’m still the same girl that doesn’t want to hurt others just for my happiness.. Are you back together? coz you went on a vacation with her. and if you are, I understand but I hope you understand too that I’m not comfortable continuing to be in touch with you with this kind of set up

  10. Avatar

    Anon

    July 9, 2016 at 1:01 am

    My experience is unique and I’m seeking the opinion of someone who isn’t emotionally involved. My boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me last week, saying his reason was because he doubts his feelings for me, doesn’t know if they are platonic or romantic. I asked him why he was feeling this way, he said two things.
    1). When we were away from each other for a while, he wouldn’t miss me like he used to. I asked him if being away from me was a relief, he said no. I asked him if he dreaded seeing me at all, he said no. I believe this was infatuation dying down which I take as normal.
    2). He doubts his feelings because this was his first relationship and he wanted to experience other things in order to be sure he wanted to be in one.
    As I said, this was his first relationship. It wasn’t mine. But this was my first very serious relationship. Before him, my longest relationship had lasted 6 months before I broke up with the guy. Now during our breakup, though there were lots of tears and what not, it didn’t feel like a breakup. He was holding me tightly, he reached out often, held my hand, wiped away my tears, used some inside jokes. There were even times we laughed or smiled a bit. He said he didn’t want to break up with me, as I was his best friend, but he didn’t want to hurt me anymore and I needed to be with someone who was going to be 100% sure. We are no strangers to breaking up. Last year we broke up for a few hours because of our constant fighting then, but we worked things out and haven’t really fought like that since. He also said he was going to do it a week prior when he was staying with me, but because my family was out of town and he knew I was alone, didn’t want me to deal with that burden. But the week prior I had no reason to suspect anything. He was his normal loving, affectionate boyfriend self. I woke up to him kissing me on Sunday morning. It doesn’t sound like someone who isn’t in love, you know? We spoke after he left, I asked him some questions like if there was another girl, he said no. I told him I believed he’d come back, unless he’s really fallen out of love. His reply? “I don’t know if I fell out of love, it’s just those things made me question if I did.” I told him that I would give him the space and time he needed, he said thanks and that I handle things better than he does. We were then talking casually after that, sharing some pictures we thought were funny and what not. He didn’t reply after some time the following day, so instead of begging and acting needy I just decided to do NC. The same day I decided to do NC, he was at a party with a really good mutual friend of ours. He said he wanted to make sure I was doing okay, and that he was content and thinks he made the right decision. My friend said to me that of course he’s gonna feel that way when he’s distracted by the party and drinking and what not. Like I said, I believe he will come back to me, but I am also very open to the idea that he might be happier out there and not come back, as heartbreaking as that feels right now. My problem? Okay. He isn’t like other guys. Before we met and dated, he was very independent and was used to being alone. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if he didn’t message me. If he doesn’t wanna talk or has an idea in his mind, he will stick to it. This causes my hope to diminish day by day because I fear NC will further push him to not talk to me. I was very needy towards him and became dependent on him, I realize now that I need to make changes to the version of myself without him, and hopefully if we get back together, our relationship. What I’m asking here is, do you think, even with as independent as he is and what not, will he message me back?

    1. Avatar

      A

      July 20, 2016 at 12:29 pm

      We’re going through such similar things!! I really want to message him, but im trying to message less now after reading nc rule..but i dont know whether it’ll make him forget about me or want to miss me! This is so hard! If you’d like to email me we could help eachother through it but other than that, i hope all goes well!

    2. Avatar

      Anon

      July 18, 2016 at 6:16 pm

      I didn’t message him back. During NC I’ve been lessening my attachment to him and have begun doing things on my own, working out and working on my physical appearance, have started a new diet, go out with friends often, and have been working towards going to school in the fall. I’m moving on but very much hold promise in my heart that he will come back, but I’m not relying on it. Part of me is very confident that if he sees me, he will be blown away by the person I’ve become. The other part of me is terrified that by ignoring him, I may have shut the door forever on any hope for reconciliation and I don’t think I’ll hear from him again.

    3. Avatar

      Anon

      July 13, 2016 at 2:52 am

      Hi Amor,

      It’s been 11 days since we broke up, 9 days no contact. He texted me today saying, “Hey”. I haven’t messaged him back, but I really want to because I feel like he won’t try to contact me again if I don’t answer him this time around. I found out this past Saturday he was meeting new girls and said that if he felt like I was the one for him, he’d definitely message me. But I feel like if he definitely wanted to be with me, there’d be more to the message than just “hey”. I’m afraid NC will discourage him from messaging me in the future again? Should I reply?

    4. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 13, 2016 at 5:01 pm

      it’s what you do during and after nc that will matter..if he sees you, would he miss you because you seemed to have moved on and improved?

    5. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 9, 2016 at 4:08 pm

      Hi Anon,

      I think there is but you have think that this is going to be restart.. that he has moved on and your purpose now is to attract him back

  11. Avatar

    Lily

    July 7, 2016 at 5:32 pm

    I took the Quiz on your website to test the chance of getting him back, and I realized my situation is not covered in the quiz.
    I dated Jay for half a year and I broke up with him over a small thing 3 years ago. At the first few weeks of break up, I regretted and asked him back and he refused because of anger. After that, I had been dating with another guy for almost 3 years thereafter. During the 3 years for every half year Jay expressed his regrets and emotions of wanting me back; and in between the times he messaged me occasionally without obvious intention. Meantime, I was dating with the other guy, our relationship was fluctuates. When I was happy with my guy, I ignored Jay; when I was down, I was responsive to Jay’s messages. we hangout a few times but we didn’t do anything more than friends. we never talked about our dating life but I assume he would know that I was seeing a man if he saw my fb. btw, Jay deleted my fb and re-added me many times after we brokeup. our relationship didn’t progress until I broke up with my 3-year guy, I messaged Jay and we met and made out, I told jay that I missed him constantly during the 3 years. but this time jay refused me. I was confused and we had no contact for another few months, last month I contacted him again and we kinda went back together did boyfriend-girlfriend things like when we were together. I dare not to ask him what we are. This sweet stage lasted for a week, he suddenly changed. he told me that he doesn’t want to hangout anymore. He has changed and grew after 3 years, he thought I would change too but I didn’t. he was not the right person. he said goodbye.
    so, is this the end of us? or do we still have a chance?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 7, 2016 at 6:09 pm

      HI LIly,

      check this article out first:
      THE GUIDE TO GETTING HIM BACK AFTER A YEAR (OR MORE) APART

      if you have questions, don’t be shy to ask

  12. Avatar

    Vicki

    July 7, 2016 at 1:37 pm

    Hi Amor,
    I’ve done 30 days N/C. Contacted him and got positive responses and we had some long conversations via text. However, he never initiated any of the conversations. He would definitely keep the ones we had going, but he never started them.

    Just over a month into starting to text again, I told him I missed our time together and asked about maybe getting a drink sometime. He said he missed things too, but also felt like “something was missing” on his side of the relationship. He also has some family issues he’s dealing with and the most he could offer was friendship.

    My question is, if “something was missing,” how do I figure out what that was and fix it? I know there’s the idea of posting pictures of myself doing fun things and bettering myself physically. But, how do I get him to see that I can be the one in his life? I’ve told him I am there for him when it comes to his family issues and want to support him and help him through it. (Frankly, I think he really needs the support and I understand the situation inside and out).

    When he told me he could only offer friendship I told him that I had to tell myself to move on and then I started a new 30-day NC. Again, he hasn’t contacted me and the 30 days is nearly up. I’m trying to move on, but he’s still in the back of my mind…oh, who am I fooling, he’s in the front of my mind. 🙂

    Is there still a chance? Again moving on without moving on.

    Thanks.

    1. Avatar

      Vicki

      July 7, 2016 at 6:12 pm

      Some were cliffhangers, some were me saying “I gotta run.” or something along that line. I ended most of them rather than him.
      And yes, I’m definitely putting myself out there and dating too.

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 7, 2016 at 5:44 pm

      Hi Vicki,

      how were the convos ended? was some in cliff hanger style? And try to date others too

  13. Avatar

    BrokenHearted

    July 7, 2016 at 2:00 am

    Hi Amor,

    I’ve read a lot on this site and I’m sure my story is just like everyone else’s, but to me it feels different. I am 20 years old and have been dating the same person for 3.5 years. He is a year younger than me, we started dating the summer I was going into college while he was still a senior in high school, and we dated long distance for the next 3 years, being together only during winter breaks and summers. We are incredibly young, especially to have dated as long and committed as we did.

    We were better than we ever had been. No fighting, no issues. Just easy, fun and happy. I’ve pictured a future with him ever since the start, but it felt the most real in the most recent months because I only have one more year of college left, and I was beginning to see the light at the end of the long-distance tunnel, seeing the pain of long-distance for years finally paying off.

    He ended it one night, completely out of the blue in a one-hour conversation. He explained to me that for a while he had this part of him that needed to be “free”. This part of him that was tugging at his brain saying, ‘you need to live your life independently, grow independently before ever committing to this girl forever’. That’s what he said to me, was that people asked him if he was going to marry me, and he simply could not rationalize saying yes, because he had never lived life without me – so how could he marry me without have ‘lived his life’ first.

    He said he will never regret our relationship, he still cares about me, does not want to hurt me, that it is not about me, it is about him and his needs, that I was an amazing girlfriend, but he needs to do this for himself.

    Now to me, this sounds like a completely hopeless situation. Just based on this, do you really think it is worth my time to commit to this no-contact rule for a month, with hopes of him ever coming back to me? Or should I begin the move on process NOW, instead of essentially waiting forever for a guy that really just needs to be alone and will never return for me.

    Honesty is appreciated.

    Thank you.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 7, 2016 at 4:29 pm

      Hi Broken hearted,

      no contact is the same road to moving on too.. so whether you want to get him back after it or not, it’s ok to do it.. The more important reason for doing it is because you have to improve yourself and focus on yourself only for 30 days..

  14. Avatar

    Lost&confused

    July 5, 2016 at 7:10 pm

    Hi Amor and Chris,
    Thank you for your site. I 1st came up on it searching ways to get over my ex about 4 days ago. My bf of 3yrs brok up with me a month ago. I didnt really see it coming we pretty much had our futures planed. He said we argued about same thing over and over (lack of affection on my part, im not very affectionate) and that we think differently. That every time he would go to get me a ring and kept getting hesistant and reason would come up like what time of wofe i would be.. i took a trip the day after he brokd up with me. I came back a week later saw each other to return each other stuff and he said i deserve to tell him whatevr i needed to get off my chest. I was still very hurt and didn’t say much. He said he missed me and wanted me and some way i became weak and we had sex. The next two day he said he want to talk but i was hesitant and not sure and busy. He finally he needed time to really see if it was what he wanted. Then less then a week he said he felt it was for best. I got angry said some things. I also applogized for demeaning his feelings and ask if we can talk. He was going to edc in las vegas and said he would lmk whe he got back. In my anger i unfriended him from eveything except snap but he doesnt really go on there. He never let me know when we could see each other and talk and at that point i gave up and called him 6 days ago and pretty much said that we both made mistakes in relatiinship and for him to just blame was wrong and i sayd i love him and wish him to be happy, to give his son a hug from me cus i loved him too. He has posted some things fb like he “hates the world” “its hard to say bye to 3 yrs” and song lyrics that imply i was in the wrong. A part of me does want him back but that he has to fight. And another part of feels he gave up me to let him out but thats hard and i dont know how to do that. My questions is i have done another “get bf back” on him after we initially met and it worked after about 11months. I dont have that kind of time. Is it too late for me to have quick success with your method? He dumped me 6/2 we spoke i said goodbye he said his choice is the best on 6/29. Did i screw up my chances?

    1. Avatar

      Lost&confused

      July 7, 2016 at 3:25 pm

      Thank you. I am struggling not saying happy bday to his son 🙁 i love him very much. I even feel like posting it on my fb page just a hbd….

    2. Avatar

      Lost&confused

      July 6, 2016 at 3:45 pm

      Hi amor,
      Thank you for responding. I dont think he said that about the gym cus he thinks im broken hearted. He said it cus even when we were together he would say that if we broke i would loose weight so i can find another guy. I injured my back over a yr ago and yes i stopped eating healthy. But i started working out in may and i would tell him i was at the gym, before he broke up with me. And even now my Dr. Said to take it easy. Idk why he is sop upset and being mean, he broke up with. Im not going to contact him. My question is how can i stop myself from going to his fb? I unfriended him in a rage of anger, but i cant seem to block or stop fb stalking him (his fb is public) so is mine

    3. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 7, 2016 at 2:37 pm

      be aware and remind yourself that you only have a short time to really put yourself only

    4. Avatar

      Lost&confused

      July 6, 2016 at 5:12 am

      Wow! I just posted i went to gym and he posted “you wantyour girl to loose weight break up with her and see how quick she hits the gym. Never fails. Lmao” … oh and we arent friends on fb. Im doing my best not to comment.. pls give me some advice sigh

    5. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 6, 2016 at 8:35 am

      Hi Lost and confused,

      don’t send a bday greeting and don’t respond to that..just keep on doing what your doing and contnue those activities even after nc.. there’s no quick solution..especially if he thinks you’re just doing that because you’re broken hearted.. you havetl to do at least 45 days and really establish that you have your own life..

    6. Avatar

      Lost&confused

      July 6, 2016 at 12:32 am

      Oh and his sons (who i love dearly) bday is coming in 2 days, should i send my ex a happy bday message to his son? Also my ex was saying he loved me and said good morning beautiful even the day he broke up with me, did screw up by sleeping with him a week after break up.

  15. Avatar

    Wonder

    July 4, 2016 at 9:16 am

    I wonder if this page needs any updated info
    http://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/the-guide-to-getting-him-back-after-a-year-or-more-apart/

    Our breakup was 2 years ago and I found that page. But it’s an old entry so I’m not sure if there’s an updated one recently?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 4, 2016 at 10:11 pm

      Hi wonder,

      that’s it’s most updated version right and you can still refer to it.

  16. Avatar

    Using seduction

    July 3, 2016 at 8:52 pm

    Hi Amor,
    I have been in NC, used rude theory to rebuild attraction and have been using seduction to reattract my ex boyfriend. But if I understand using seduction I only hint at sex and don’t physically go near it. The problem is that he lives near my place and asks to hang out from time to time. I usually agree and cut it short and leave early. But the last two times I have tried to leave early he has physically pushed me down on his bed and tried to initiate sex. Now I have managed to wiggle my way out the first time and the second time he sort of asked if I was ok and I said no and pushed him off and left. And both times somehow he says it’s my fault and that I “act innocent” but suggest that I want to sleep with him. Now I am wondering if having him push me down on his bed and carassing me is going too far with the seduction even if we don’t have sex? The problem is he initiates it out of the blue when I hint that I am about to leave so there is no way for me to anticipate it in advance. Should I cut down on the flirting? The problem is I did try that and now he keeps texting me things like how sexy I am etc etc. and I keep trying to change topics. Also is it bad that he figured out I am seducing him or is this still ok? I just don’t want to find myself in a FwB situation.
    Please let me know!
    Thanks

    1. Avatar

      Using Seduction

      July 11, 2016 at 10:00 pm

      Hi Amor,
      So today my ex gave me some sort of ultimatum saying he has thought about it a lot and either we “give into our temptations” or we “control ourselves and just stay friends”. I did not want to answer it with either or and said something in the middle like “yeah I am so confused… let’s see” to hold off saying anything so I can keep using seduction. I had already told him I don’t do FwB and its just not me and he said it is new to him too but he will respect whatever my decision is. Should I sternly pick one and if so which one and make it clear or leave it hanging in the middle?

      Best
      Using Seduction (and slightly confused)

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 12, 2016 at 1:54 pm

      don’t pick until you can stall but if he really pushes you for it, of course don’t be fwb..

    3. Avatar

      Using seduction

      July 6, 2016 at 2:57 pm

      Hi Amor
      Thanks. He always proposes going out with him and his friends but somehow he always proposes them on days I have things going on for the hobbies that I picked up during NC (which keeps me busy 3-4 evenings a week). I am wondering if it’s intentional that he only invites me on those busy days? On the days that I am free somehow he just wants to hang out one on one at his place. I will try suggesting going somewhere. Another question is if he makes sexual contacts like smacking my butt jokingly or grabbing my boobs do I straight out tell him to stop or play it cool? I think what bothers me when he initiates these contacts is he blames ne for them for “seducing him” or that “I wanted it”. I feel like the issue is he is pushing for a FwB situation I think as he only compliments on how sexy and attractive I look. Also I noticed that when I first went for a mini date after the break up he was more keen on travelling with me or helping me but now he playfully refuses to even distribute flyers for an event I am part of to his friends. Since I haven’t actually slept with him but have cuddled in bed fully dressed should I follow Chris’s instructions for getting out of FwB situations? i will try to meet him outdoors more but so far he insists on meeting at his place or mine (we are neighbors) and always reschedules the meetings to he at one of our places. Do I conpletely refuse to meet him if he does this?

    4. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 7, 2016 at 2:26 pm

      hmmm ise it to your advantage.. like if texts you sexy things, reply by saying, “I know, i know.. you miss the perks of beibg my bf! :)” at least you get to hint him what your standards are but still being cool.. if he suggests at your place, try to say that you have activities in the morning, then maybe you can go after it but during that day, invite other friends too, so you’re not alone

    5. Avatar

      Using seduction

      July 3, 2016 at 8:53 pm

      I used Tide theory. Sorry my autocorrect is awful.

    6. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 4, 2016 at 9:07 pm

      Hi Using seduction,

      lol! that actually made me laugh! Try to avoid to hang out in his house so you can avoid those situations.. yes you can lay low on being flirty for now

  17. Avatar

    Emily

    July 3, 2016 at 1:27 pm

    Hiya, hopefully this will be quite a quick question…

    My boyfriend broke up with me two nights ago on the phone; he wanted to come and talk face to face but I knew it was coming and got him to admit it while we were chatting. He still wanted to come and talk it through the next day but I woke up in the morning and decided I didn’t want him to because he was adamant that he’d made up his mind. I’ve asked him to give me space and now I’ve gone into NC. Trouble is, I don’t know if I should have let him explain or not, and what he might be thinking now. He sent an apology but I asked him to let me be so now he has done. We work in the same company so I will have to see him this weekend. Not really sure where to go next. Thanks!

    1. Avatar

      Emily

      July 21, 2016 at 9:05 pm

      OK cool that’s what I’ve done anyway. Just not sure where to go from this point, I don’t think he will reach out to me because I cut ties and wished him well which seems pretty final. Will I have to reach out when NC is over (if I still want to?). Thanks

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 22, 2016 at 5:28 pm

      yeah, it’s ok to initiate contact after nc

    3. Avatar

      Emily

      July 20, 2016 at 12:41 pm

      So it’s been just over two weeks since we broke up. I agreed to meet up with him and that happened this Saturday just gone. Prior to that we had gotten into a situation where we were texting like nothing had changed – long messages, flirting, jokes. On Saturday we talked and he told me his reasons, but was clear that he wanted to be friends. I agreed to try and then things carried on as they had before. He kept texting me all day every day and it made me think. I don’t know what he wanted from me or why he was being so normal. He’s leaving work this week, thank god, to go work somewhere else, and I had decided that once he left I would tell him we couldn’t be friends. He mentioned going for a drink yesterday to see him off, but forgot and made other plans. I got mad and basically told him that I couldn’t offer him my friendship, thanked him for the good times and wished him well in life. He accepted it like it was water off a duck’s back and wished me well in return. Although I feel like a weight has been lifted because I’m not stuck trying to read his mind any more, I feel like I might have cut off all chances of ever hearing from him again or of him reaching out to me. I think I’ve messed this up, I should have just gone into NC and left it alone. What do I do now?

    4. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 21, 2016 at 5:32 pm

      no you didn’t..it’s not too late.. you can still start nc now..

    5. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 4, 2016 at 7:43 pm

      Hi Emily,

      if he wants to talk to you, let him and then listen but don’t initiate a talk.. if he doesn’t want to be back with you and he just explained why he wanted to break up,.just continue on in nc and being civil with him

  18. Avatar

    Grace

    July 2, 2016 at 11:08 pm

    Hi, Chris and Amor. I thought that would be interesting to share my story with you guys, so here it goes:

    I met him in February last year (2015), he is 15 years older than me, he was my teacher for a small period of time (2 weeks) before I quit his classes. He tought I was a really brilliant student, he got impressed, he even approached me during a class to compliment me, but the way he stared at me… I thought that was very creepy, I didn’t want that old teacher hitting on me. I have always dated guys who were my age or even younger than me (I’m 24). Eight months (almost a year omg) after I quit his classes he found me on Facebook, I thought “Ok, this is weird, usually the students try to add teachers on FB and not the opposite” (at least in my country), but still I accepted his friendship invitation. Soon he started to message me, he offered me free music classes, so we could “get to know each other better”, it sounded like a sexual propose so I replied saying I could not accept it, he said he was very sorry. I’m not sure what happened but I felt so guilty I misjudged him (did I?) I started to message him very often on FB, I’m going to be honest with you: I got obsessed with him, suddenly this man who seemed so creepy slowly became so likeable. We did have so much in common… I thought we were ~soulmates~ lol. He kept inviting me to have lunch with him, but I turned down his invitations because I was afraid he could try to kiss me or something, I wasn’t ready to date a guy who was so much older than me. But one day he started to tell me how badly he wanted to build a future with me, you know… have kids (I really want to have a family one day), travel to beautiful places… I was seduced by this fairy tale he told me, I finally accepted to go on a date with him. Couple days before our date he goes “I must tell you something… I have a gf I live with her, we’re together for 10 years, but I feel like I’m in a relationship with you and not her”. I couldn’t believe it… His FB status was hidden, he doesn’t have any picture of/with any woman, my friends who also knew him kept telling me he was 100% single. I even thought he was lying about having a gf to be honest. He kept telling me he was breaking up with her and in couple weeks he was going to move to his own apartment. For the first time in 23 years I truly fell in love with someone… I wanted to give him up, but I couldn’t. So we started to date, it wasn’t perfect, slowly I discovered out he is a hater: he hates marriage, kids, pets… I kept asking myself “where is the guy who told me he wanted kids?”. Basically after three months he was still living with that woman, he told me he couldn’t afford moving out, I thought he was lying and didn’t really break up with her and was using me… so I contacted her (I know, this is bad… but honestly I feel like after 10 years living together he really should be 100% honest with her about dating someone new) and I told her what happened, she told me “YES, HE BROKE UP WITH ME 3 MONTHS AGO”, I felt sooooooooooooooooooooooo bad, I hurt him soooooooooo deeply. He was really trying to change his life to be with me, he did broke up his 10-years-old relationship to be with me. So after she told him I contacted her he blocked me… FULL BLOCK: FB, Whatsapp, everything. He got so mad I thought he would never talk to me again. After a week he blocked me I was feeling so anxious I went to his work to find him, I said I was really sorry I hurt him and his ex-gf (of course it’s his fault too) and I asked him to unblock me… and so he did, he unblocked me everywhere. I started to read your blog, I spent 30 days not contacting him… after the no contact rule I tried to text him, he never replied… I tried again… nothing. Of course at some point I lost control and sent him 2983729837 texts, still he didn’t block me, but I gave up. I spent 4 months trying to focus on myself, I didn’t even think about him, until last week when I had the craziest dream about him, I’m also moving to a new city, so I’m going thru a very stressful period. I’m not sure why this stupid dream made me miss him so much I went to his work again lol, I found him… HE WAS SOOOOOOO GLAD TO SEE ME, can you believe this? He told he is very depressed lately, his projects and work aren’t going very well, he has debts etc. Suddenly he asked me to kiss him. I was missing him so much I kissed him… after that we began to text, today we met again… and BAM he tells me I’m a hurricane, I’m dangerous, he’s too old for that, plus he’s having problems with his penis (he’s not so old, but I think this is related with his work and debts I guess)… omg I’m trying to understand why did I fell in love with him? I’m 100% sure he still likes me, he told me he misses me very much but of course I hurt him, so he doesn’t want to try again… because hey, I’m hurricane. I don’t even want to be with him, but at the same time I miss him… I thought that was funny to tell you about my story because everytime I acted like the crazy ex-gf it worked for me. I feel like maybe in 10 years we might meet again and be together. lol At this point anyting is possible.

    Thank you.

  19. Avatar

    Cgs

    July 2, 2016 at 11:02 am

    Hi! I’m sorry for my bad english, hope you get anyway though..

    I just lost my boyfriend 2 weeks ago (we were only together for only 10 months) but we were a perfect match in any possible way, i can think of. For about 1,5 month ago i broke up with him, due to “lack of interest” from his side.. We got back together after only a few days apart. We broke up again when i gave him an ultimatum, to start showing me interest or else I could not do this anymore. He was very busy with his final exams, so i did know that he was kinda stresses out. He got very angry and told me “i dont know what i can do to make you happy” we hung up and he called me back after 2 minutes to tell he was sorry, he was just so stressd out etc. and we will see each tomorrow and i said yes, but i was upset. We were supposed to see each other the next day because he had borrowed my car and i needed it back. When i showed up to get the Keys and drive him back to his place, he was already there with his best friend, he didn’t apparently think i was going to show up (and he didn’t even bothered to ask me!) i just felt so powerless and got really angry and yelled at him and told him to leave my keys to my apartment as well and i did not want to see him anymore. He texted me 30 minutes later where he had left the car key and that he also think it is to the best that we dont see each other anymore (as girlfriend and boyfriend) he was thankfull for what i’ve ever done for him and he had saw this comming (because i told him that we could take a break until he finished his exams. he said at that time, that it was a bad idea and that it was my decision) and he had never loved a girl like me before and that i was a lovely girl and he regret that he did not do more, but still it was for the best that we broke up and he seemed so happy about it.. I did write to him 4 days later if it went fine with his exams and he answers again in a very happy tone “like this is the best that has ever happen to me” and i did just play along. Neither of us have been contacting each other ever since, so i ended up deleting him on all social medias, because i could not stand to watch him switch his single status into public and upgrade his profile on Facebook (i know childish)

    Yesterday i wrote him a letter, because i wanted to give him a painting his grandmother gave me back in his mailbox.. I just wrote that i was sorry for the way i have handle things (deleting him on social medias) i hope he was okay and moved on just like i was and there was no feelings from my side anymore etc etc etc.. (Even though there still is feelings) he did write me on Facebook a few hours later, when he saw it i think. He did appreciate my letter and that is was ok and he know i did just do it because he knows that it is how i move on. He wishes me the best too and we write about 3 Messages to each other where we ended wishes each other a nice weekend.

    he is 34 and i’m 24. I really want him back, but it seems like he is so over me and our fights and i literally dont know what to do.. I would do anything! I’m just so scared that he will find another girl or move further forward if i start initiating the NC rule.. Is it even possible?

    I look forward to hear from you!

    1. Avatar

      Cgs

      July 5, 2016 at 3:14 am

      So you think he has moved on? Okay, so the NC rule would not work in this situation? My goal is to become the ungettable girl?

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 5, 2016 at 6:14 am

      come from a point that he has, and then do nc for you to have a reset and to improve yourself so he can see you in a nee light to increase the chance of attracting him back and also for you to be less emotional

    3. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 4, 2016 at 1:48 pm

      Hi Cgs,

      let’s say he already has moved on…then take it as a reser.. aim to be the ungettable girl..be independent first before trying to talk to him again

  20. Avatar

    Sally

    July 2, 2016 at 6:19 am

    Hi!!

    I recently started to dating my ex…but he says that he dont want me to thrill me of come back, cause he doesnt want a relationship…but still really adores me and want to have great time with me (today we made a great pizza together!)
    We really understand each other in so many ways, and he always says that im he best…but he doesnt want to commit or making me suffer…also have spoken of that and im trying my best to not push him…
    We argued or got tense but like now, he apologizes and says that he adores me, that he overreacted and that is confused or something, that is hard…but i feel a lot of love…
    Is this normal? What kind i do?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 4, 2016 at 1:28 pm

      hi Sally,

      I think this is what you should read:
      EBR 021- How To Make Him Re-Commit To You

1 2 3