So, you want to know exactly what your ex boyfriend is thinking about during the no contact rule, do ya?

I’ll admit that lately this has been a very popular topic for the Private Facebook Group.

You know, it’s been really amazing seeing hundreds of women communicate in our group about their breakups. I pick up on all sorts of perspectives that I never would have thought of by myself before.

For example, one of the things that has become clear is that men react very differently to the no contact rule.

One woman can use the no contact rule on her ex and get messages like this,

Where another woman can use it and get nothing from her ex.

But in my half decade of advising women on how to get their exes back there is one thing I have learned about the no contact rule that no one out there ever talks about. It isn’t so much the panicky text messages that you get from your ex during the no contact rule that matter it’s whats going on inside of that head of his!

That’s where this article is going to come into play.

I am going to tell you EXACTLY what’s going on inside of an ex boyfriends mind during the no contact rule by using facts… pure unadulterated facts.

Wait… How Are You Going To Use Facts?

The more and more I sit back and think about what I have over the rest of my competition out there it’s numbers and successes.

I am willing to pit my numbers, experience and successes over any one of my competitors out there.

What’s the big advantage here?

Well, since I have had so many success stories in my time here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery (and actually interviewed the women with them here, here and here) I have noticed something pretty darn cool. The women who get their exes back ask them about their time during the no contact rule so they gain the ultimate insight into what their men were actually thinking.

After they have gained that insight they actually report back to me (because they are happy they got him back.)

Do you see where I am going here?

I am going to piggyback off of the successful women who have heard what their exes are actually thinking during the no contact rule and let you in on all of the secrets.

In other words, you are going to get insight into your own man by hearing what real men are thinking during the no contact rule.

Oh, and since I am a man I am going to throw in a few of my very own insights.

Sound good?

Let’s begin!

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Thought #1: She Has To Contact Me First

Out of all the thoughts I am going to let you in on today this is the one that resonates with me the most.


Well, I actually have personal experience with this.

This was the exact thought that I had during my very first breakup.

I literally remember thinking,

There is no way I am going to message here or think about talking to her. She is going to have to talk to me first.

And that’s exactly what happened.

She reached out to me first and it just fed into my ego that “I was winning the breakup.”

It wasn’t until later that I realized that me “winning” also meant that I had lost attraction for her.

You see, I am sure if you were to ask me while I was going through that breakup if I would ever consider taking her back I would have said yes.

In fact, I seem to recall a time where I literally thought to myself,

I bet if I really tried to get her back I could… But she’s going to have to contact me first.

And then it happened.

One day my phone buzzed…

I picked it up…

And lo and behold I got this text,

In that moment I truly felt like I could get her back whenever I wanted and in that moment I felt I had no desire to get her back anymore.


Well, there was no challenge to it.

Besides, we had a very tough relationship and it was just enough headwind to not make me take any action to rectify things.

Of course, this is a personal story from me. So, how do I know that this is a reaction other men will have outside of me?

Well, I’d like to turn your attention to “Kelly’s” ex boyfriend below,

A bit of background on this one.

Kelly is actually a part of our Private Facebook Group (which is actually offered to all of my one on one coaching clients for free) and she didn’t hear from her ex at all during the no contact rule. So, naturally she was wondering what he was thinking and I eventually told her the story I just told you.

This is what she had to say after she got him back and asked him what he was thinking,

I’m back with him because he said he was too stubborn but he had been waiting to hear from me and he missed me and he wanted it all to work out.

This is real proof.

Not just some story I made up.

This is a real reaction from a real man when the no contact rule is being done to him.

Thought #2: Why Isn’t She Contacting Me?

Close your eyes and imagine something for a minute for me.

You and your ex go through a really horrible breakup.

(Wait… that probably already happened.)

Anyways, you go through this really rough breakup and decide that you are going to do the no contact rule on him.

Of course, your ex is of the mind that the two of you should be “friends” so he reaches out a few days after the breakup with a text message like this,

Pretty basic message, right?

So, in his head he’s thinking that you are going to respond within a few minutes of him sending that text to you.

There’s just one little hiccup in his plan.

He doesn’t have the slightest idea that you are in the midst of a no contact period and when your response doesn’t come he starts to panic and sends something like this,

You see, he figures that if he acts caring towards you that you are going to break down and respond to him. Of course, since you are incredibly intelligent you decide to ride things out in the no contact rule by not responding to him.

Of course, when that happens he gets a little angry by the fact that you couldn’t acknowledge “how nice he was being to you.”

That’s when you start getting text messages like these,

Do you see the progression?

How it starts off innocent and then slowly but surely evolves into anger by the fact that you are ignoring him.

It’s at this point where one singular thought is going to dominate,

Wait… why isn’t she contacting me or responding?

Now, before I started down this path I made a solemn vow.

My Vow = Every thought that I claim a man has during the no contact rule has to be backed up by real reactions by real men.

Well, I’d like to introduce you to Kathy!

Kathy is one of the most active members in the Private Facebook Group which she got access to after purchasing my book and she’s obviously dead set on getting her ex back.

Would you like to see the results Kathy is getting with the no contact rule?

Well, this is a post she recently posted to the Facebook Group,

Now, here’s a bit of context.

Kathy has been in the no contact rule for about two weeks at this point and you can see how he’s totally breaking down by the fact that she isn’t responding to him,

  • She has gotten 8 phone calls from him
  • Out of those 8 phone calls he has left 4 voicemails
  • She has also gotten a lot of text messages scattered throughout the day

So, why would her ex boyfriend act this crazy?

Well, let’s think about things from his perspective for a moment.

During his relationship with Kathy the two of them got into a certain routine.

He would text her…

She would text him back…

He would text her back…

And so on and so forth.

Now, here is the crazy part. Kathy told me that this routine actually continued after the two of them broke up.

It’s really strange, I have never had a breakup like this before. It’s almost like we are still dating but without the “official title.”

It was at this point that we advised Kathy to enter into a no contact rule and that’s when the fireworks began.

You see, by implementing the no contact rule on her ex Kathy has essentially interrupted the pattern that he had grown so accustomed to.

Instead of having his normal responses he is literally sitting there thinking,

Why isn’t she responding to me?

And this singular thought is motivating him enough to try to do everything in his power to get her to respond.

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Thought #3: She’s Not Reaching Out To Me… Good! I Wasn’t Going To Get Back With Her Anyways

For many of you this is your ultimate nightmare but I am going to show you something that is going to completely re-frame the way you look at a man who has this thought.

But before I do that let’s talk a little bit about the state of mind a man is in who is thinking this.

So, the complete thought is,

She’s not reaching out to me…. GOOD! I wasn’t going to get back with her anyways.

This almost has an immature tone to it, doesn’t it?

For example, because you ignored your ex he is going to say/think something to limit his potential future (being with you.)

In other words, it is a reaction to the fact that he isn’t getting his way.

Anger is what usually sparks these kind of thoughts.

Think back to your relationship now.



Are you there?



Ok, let me ask you a question.

Did your ex boyfriend ever say that he hated you or that the two of you would never be together again during your breakup?

Well, chances are that he said that during a moment of pure anger.

I mean, I don’t know many things that are as painful or angering as a breakup.

Do you?

Of course, when I try to explain to women that their ex boyfriends don’t necessarily mean what they are saying when they say they hate you, they are simply reacting to the emotions that they are feeling in that moment, it doesn’t seem to get through their heads.

Which is why I would like to introduce you to Sarah Michelle!

Now, Sarah Michelle has a bit of an interesting story.

You see, I first met Sarah Michelle on one of my Facebook Lives within the private facebook group which she got access to after purchasing my book.

(If you didn’t already know I do Facebook Lives in the group three days a week: Monday, Wednesday and Friday!)

At the time she asked her question I was really into watching another very popular “Sarah Michelle,”

Yep, Sarah Michelle Gellar (AKA: Buffy The Vampire Slayer.)

Now, if you are new to this site then one thing that you are going to learn about me very quickly is that there are two television shows that I love above all!

Show #1: Game of Thrones

Show #2: Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Anyways, I jokingly started referring to Sarah Michelle in the group as Buffy and the name kind of stuck.

Now, let’s fast forward a month to when we receive this fun little post in the group,

So, not only did she find a way to get her ex back but she is actually engaged to him know.

Buffy got game!

Now, you may be sitting there wondering,

Umm… What the hell does this even have to do with him saying that he isn’t interested in me?

Well, when I actually interviewed buffy about her success she said something that I thought was incredibly telling.

It was just so out of nowhere and I see all this girls on like the Facebook live, like their ex tells them, “I don’t love you anymore” like, “You’re too much” like, “We’re never going to be together again,” I heard all those things, all of them.

I heard every single one of those things come out of his mouth. When it came down to it, I found out he didn’t mean any of it, none of it. And I think that’s the hardest thing to comprehend, when you’re going through it because I feel a lot of the girls like in the Facebook page, all the guys say that and like when you hear it, like you just don’t understand at all.

Interesting, eh?

So, what Buffy is saying here is that her ex basically gave her all the common breakup excuses that you hear out there but when push came to shove she found out that he didn’t mean any of them.

And I have to say that this is a common trend I see time and time again.

So, while you may initially think it’s the end of the world if your ex has this thought that he isn’t going to take you back I am here to tell you that it’s not the end of the world.

Do you have a chance of getting him back?
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Thought #4: I Am Going To Win This Breakup

I want to switch gears for a moment here and talk a little bit about thoughts I have had during my actual self imposed no contact rules during breakups.

You see, the way I figure it is that statistically speaking if I am having a thought during a no contact period other men are bound to have the same exact thoughts.

Sure, there may be a few exceptions here and there who don’t think the same ways that I do but generally speaking I serve as a pretty good litmus test.

Now, the thing you have to understand about me (and other men) is the fact that some of us like to view breakups as a competition.

Such a male thing to do… I know.

And like with any good competition there is a winner and a loser.

I think it’s important to define what the winner and the loser of a breakup are.

Winner = The person who makes their significant other fawn after them and regret their decision.

Loser = The person who fawns over their significant other and regrets their decision.

During my very first breakup I remember very clearly having this exact mindset.

I was going to do everything I possibly could to “win” the breakup or die trying.

Of course, that’s when an idea sparked in my head. Care to take a guess at what that idea was?

Go ahead and reference thought #1 in this article.




Done referencing?

That was my idea.

Isn’t it interesting how there is a strange synergy between thought #4 and thought #1.

If I hadn’t set out to “win the breakup” I wouldn’t have ever thought to “make her contact me first.”

Now, I am not one for making bold statements without having statistical proof to back them up. However, if I was a betting man I think I’d end up getting rich off of betting on the fact that most men will seek to “win the breakup” after they go through one. In fact, this is a concept that I am constantly trying to explain to my one on one coaching clients so that they fully understand the mindset of a man.

Now, you may be sitting there wondering,

Why the heck does this even matter?

Well, I think it’s important to understand this mindset because it will springboard a man to have so many other thoughts during the no contact rule.

Take my example above.

I probably wouldn’t have ever thought of waiting until my ex contacted me first if I wasn’t trying to “win the breakup.”

I mean, there are so many different analogies I can draw from to prove this point.

Take any professional athlete, a profession where you get paid based on your ability to compete.

These men and women will do anything to win at their sport.

Heck, some of them take it so seriously that they cheat by using PED’s like steroids.

The important thing to remember here is that competition drives them to do it.

And a man with the mindset that he is going to “win the breakup” is essentially turning things into a competition and that means you can expect some crazy behavior from him.

Keep that in mind!

Thought #5: I’ve Lost Her Forever

I want to save the best for last!

Out of every single thought I have mentioned in this article this is the thought that you absolutely want your ex boyfriend to have.

But more on that in a second.

Yesterday I was interviewing Anna from our Facebook group.

If you didn’t already know, Anna is one of our superstar members who got her ex back,

Anyways, Anna was nice enough to agree to an interview with me where I got to pick her brain about how she used my system to get her ex back.

And during this interview she said something that really fascinated me,

“You know Chris… I asked him that if I hadn’t of reached out to him after the no contact rule if we would still be together and he said no.”

Now, this fascinates me because this isn’t actually the first time I have heard this from a woman who has gotten her ex back.

In fact, I have been hearing variations of this type of response from ex boyfriends.

So, what does it mean?

Well, at the core it means that they had hit that point where they were wanting to hear from their exes (you) but had mentally prepared themselves to move on.

Now, maybe this isn’t a revolutionary insight but I actually think it is.

I mean, it’s at the point where your ex gives up on you that you can actually have a lot of success at shifting things in your favor.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that almost every success story that I have talked to in person has repeated this insight from their exes.

Now, why do you think that is?

Well, I think it has a lot to do with “the unexpected.”

Let’s take a walk around in your exes shoes for a minute.

So, your ex hits this point in his mind where he literally thinks to himself,

I have lost her forever…

Therefore his paradigm has shifted and he has literally convinced himself of this.


I think it’s important for me to remind you that you are in the midst of a no contact rule at this point.


After your no contact rule is finished you send your ex the following text message,

Now, this is completely unexpected to him.


Because he has literally convinced himself that he has no chance with you ever again and this text is a ray of hope.

In other words, it’s unexpected and that makes it even more powerful than it would have originally been.

426 thoughts on “Here’s Exactly What He’s Thinking During The No Contact Rule”

  1. Helpless

    September 17, 2018 at 9:56 am

    Hi, after two years of long distance relationship he broke up by ignoring me. I came to see him and he ignored me, and finally he said that he doesn’t want contact with me because he thinks that I manipulated him for two years and that this is it. I tried to contact him (calls, texts, WA,..he didn’t open even one text) next 10 or 15 days. He ignored me again. I stopped. Day 11 and I still didn’t contact him. What should I do? P.S.I’m 100% confused because I have never manipulated and I have no idea what’ş going on. We fight a lot during those two year but treatment like this I don’t understand. Couple of days before break up he said „I told you that I will never break up with you“ (I didn’t ask him even). Is it possible that this is just excuse and that he stopped because of something else? I still love him. What should I do? Thank you.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 17, 2018 at 9:24 pm

      Hi Helpless!

      So its time to stop being Helpless! I have a ton of resources here on the site that can help you. You should consider No Contact and focus on your on healing

  2. D

    September 15, 2018 at 9:23 pm

    Hey Chris I have a pretty unique situation. Me and my ex were together for 6 years. We hardly fought about anything. 4 years ago his brother died and he changed a bit….a year after that he broke up with me then we got back together 2 months after. recently his other brother(only one left) committed suicide and immediately moved in with his mom and started to distant himself from me and eventually broke it off saying he couldn’t give me what I wanted and got the rest of his stuff from our place and took it to his moms. I’m devastated and confused. Everyone is! Even his friends. I just don’t know what to do or think anymore. What should I do?

  3. simran

    September 2, 2018 at 9:34 am

    Hi Chris
    while i am following the no contact rule, he has actually called me twice, on the last call i told him that i needed sometime and i will contact you once i know i am ready. i also mentioned that i need to get over all that has happened.
    during the relationship if we ever had a fight we would resolve and move forward the same day itself. we have never stayed out of contact more that 12 hours or so in the 5 year relationship. i am on the 5th day of the no contact rule and this is my 2nd try at it. i am very sure i will be able to get through 30 days of no contact.
    but after the last conversation we had i am wondering will it still work?? will he still be missing me and feel the void of is he going to just think that i am just taking some time off.
    And to add on to the information, he is a stubborn and an introvert person. he used to only open up to me about most of the things in his life.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 2, 2018 at 8:31 pm

      Hi Simran….I am glad you are NC. Given your relationship history as a couple, you might want to employ a shortened no contact approach. The idea is you both probably need time to clear your heads and recover from the chaos of the breakup, but if his communications he leaves you are positive, it may be appropriate to end no contact and try to rebuild some trust.

  4. Maria

    August 31, 2018 at 6:04 am

    Hi, I am a 27 year old female and I met a guy on Tinder who is 33 and we have dated for about 4 months. We started off at a slow, steady pace, and our relationship prospered beautifully. We texted every day throughout the 4 months. We went on several dates, such as walks at the park, dinners, visit wineries, etc. From the start though, our relationship was a bit rocky due to life circumstances. About 1 month in, he had gotten a new job in a new city (only about 1 hour away). Still, we both agreed to make it work. The new job took a toll on him since he had escalated to higher position and earned a much higher income. During this time, he expressed how appreciative he was for me. He opened up to me a lot. He expressed things like “You are the best thing that has come into my life” and “I love you, you make me feel wholesome.” He would bring up the future at times and mention how he can see us together, although it’s not something he is ready for right now, but way down the line. He told me he loved me. He also wanted to meet my family. This guy had really made me feel wonderful and I felt safe, secure, and happy with him. I developed love for him.

    About 2 weeks ago (4 months into our relationship) on the night that he was supposed to meet my family, he had added a couple new photos to his Tinder account.

    I was incredibly shocked but tried to keep my cool. I brought up my concern via text and we had a discussion about it that lasted 2 days (they were long messages with about 5-8 hours in between responses). It was a conversation that led to the topic of commitment and the long term/future. He told me that he doesn’t care about Tinder and that he cares about us and doesn’t want to talk about it. He said that he is only committed to me. I told him that I don’t care about Tinder, I care about us and our relationship and I am willing to go 100% in… I told him if he feels the same, I’d happily delete my account.

    Long story short, our text conversation ended where I expressed my feelings – that I am only interested in dating exclusively and no one else, and that the idea of a long-term commitment down the line doesn’t have to be addressed now, but it can’t be totally blocked out for good. Otherwise, I don’t know what his intention is in the relationship. He agreed with me 100% and said that he feels the same way. However, he never took action on deleting his account and our conversation ended casually in a few words. He wrote the last text, and I never responded because it was short and didn’t merit a response. I also felt that I had said too much already and didn’t want to keep talking. Since then, he had not initiated further contact with me. It’s been about 2 weeks and I still have not gotten a follow up from him.

    During the 2 weeks I have cried, been back and forth about whether or not I should follow up and see if he wants to talk over the phone. As much as I wanted to reach out, I never did. I have been truly sad these past couple weeks because this man was great and had become a significant part of my life. My parents were rooting for him and they were looking forward to meeting him. He never gave me a reason to believe that he didn’t care about me or loved me. The Tinder thing was a complete shock and 180 degree flip. I know that we were not officially boyfriend/girlfriend, but I assumed that dating someone for 4 months and expressing deep and meaningful words, led me to believe that we were only dating each other and no one else. I would appreciate any help or guidance on this issue… I’ve been back and forth about texting him, but I have not. I am so hurt and filled with confusion, don’t know what he’s thinking, and would like some piece of mind about what steps forward I should take…

    Thank you.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 31, 2018 at 2:24 pm

      I can see why this has been confusing. I think you should employ no contact and get up to speed on my ex recovery program so to optimize your chances. Part of your quest is to focus on your own healing and finding that piece of mind you deserve and there are activiites for that.

  5. Pam

    August 30, 2018 at 6:48 am

    We’ve been separated 11 months. Only three in NC. The first 8 months he texted after a week when he asked for space and kept texting and calling for holidays and everything like he was really concerned like nothing had changed. I did not understand that. I was so confused feeling good and I let him get to me and I let him back in . But that ended up with me and finding out that he had been intimate with a woman and is still now engaging. As I was still allowing him to text and engage with me these whole 8 months I even saw him in person . Fast forward to now. I did stay in contact with him too long and that was wrong because all I did seem like was to make him stronger and make him think he can have his cake and eat it too. So Something hurtful happened with us in May and ended up on FB and I was like I’m done I went home and started NC. He reached out 2 weeks in. Congratulating me on my son’s graduation then the next month he personally message my daughter for her 21st birthday. And he liked her post. So I am determined not to contact him. I believe he is wanting me to reach out to him. If he is engaging with another woman still and he’s told me that she still around in there just friends but that’s not what it looks like. And contacting me he did not mention anything he hasn’t apologized to say anything to me about the situation. So I’m just trying to go day-by-day and move on because I feel like I did a whole lot and too much and staying in contact with him this long. I should have left him at the door months ago. Don’t you see it’s been practically a year but because these three months is the first we’ve been actually separated them talking it’s only feels like 3 months. So do you think he’ll reach out. He knows how much I love him and have always thought I’d be there. This is the first time I actually gave a consequences to his actions. So he’s still counting on me reaching out to him I bet. So I don’t know.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 31, 2018 at 3:12 am

      Hi Pam…certainly possible. Seems like a stubborn guy and a somewhat confused guy. I would stick to my guns.

  6. Sarah

    August 28, 2018 at 12:51 pm

    Hey, great article!
    I’m just curious, but if the guy is intent on ‘winning’ the break up and wanting her to message first – which results in a loss of feelings as no chase etc – then how do we win back the ex-boyfriend when we end no contact?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 28, 2018 at 9:32 pm

      Thanks Sarah!

      Good question… know, my experience is guys so intent on winning the breakup are usually the first to reach out. But my program does not rely on that and if you do reach out, you control the messaging, the tone, the timing, etc.

  7. Erin

    August 25, 2018 at 5:54 pm

    I was dating this guy for a couple months and things were going really well. Talking all day, seeing each other multiple times a week, going out on dates, etc. He told me how happy he was with me and how much he liked me constantly. He started to get cold feet when we brought up exclusivity. For a month, every week we had a different relationship status. Boyfriend and girlfriend to just dating then back to boyfriend and girlfriend when finally he decided we should just date until he gets a handle on work. But he gave me no timeline. He became distant and wouldn’t respond for hours but if I did that to him, he would get on my case about something being wrong or if I was mad. I texted him to let me know when he decided what he wanted to do with me but until then we should go our separate ways. He called me and texted me multiple times saying that he wanted to fix this and work on it. I didn’t respond because I told him that he can tell me when he had an answer. He called later in the day and left a voicemail telling me ignoring him all day was immature and he “cant do this anymore” because now I’m too stressful. I call him back all confused because a few hours ago he was ready to fight for me but then he does a 180 tells me he that I am just like all the girls he’s dated (whom he despises now) and a huge disappointment because I “know he goes off the deep end when he’s ignored”. He was very rude and talked to me like i was being punished. He said that he could see a long time future with me but Im the one who ruined it by doing what I did. I would appreciate your take on what happened and if our relationship would be salvageable. I’ve been in NC for over two weeks. But what now?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 26, 2018 at 1:33 am

      Hi Erin!

      Yep…some guys get nervous around talk about commitment. Maybe he is just not mature enough yet or maybe a bit insecure. Certainly, he was behaving badly by being so rude. I think a solid course of No Contact is in order. Feel free peruse my site and my home page as you will want an ex recovery plan to optimize your chances.

  8. Samantha

    August 21, 2018 at 3:28 pm

    I am doing Limited No Contact (we have a child). We’ve had a long, hard relationship. 6 years, lots of back and forth, lots of fighting. He told me he just can’t give me his time anymore, and he knows I am trying to change things he just doesn’t know how to go back on that decision. I did GNAT for a week or so (horrible, I know). I finally told him a few days ago I was gone since that is what he wanted. 3 days into NC he sends me a picture of our son, nothing important, just a cute picture and said he was trying to make me smile, if I’d prefer him not send pictures he wouldn’t. I just said thank you and left it alone. He is kind of seeing someone else (rebound). So I am not sure how to take him randomly texting me. Should I ignore photos of our son since it is not an emergency? I simply said thank you and nothing else, he didn’t try to carry on conversation either. How long should I do limited no contact before trying to mend things?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 21, 2018 at 10:26 pm

      Hi Samantha!

      6 years counts a lot. It creates roots and connections that usually come into play later. Don’t beat yourself up for any mistakes you may have made (gnatting). I think his random texting to you in a positive way would suggest he is still feeling a connection, yet clearly a period of healing and space should benefit you both.

  9. Confused

    August 20, 2018 at 1:25 am

    I’ve been in a relationship with a man on and off for at least 3 years. Known him for 10, and sad to say started talking to him when we both were marrried. We’re both divorced now but he’ll call it off with me because he says his feelings has changed then 2 weeks later he’s texting. Telling me he’s done a lot of thinking etc. It’s been the same way for 2 years now, only gets more serious and deeper in the relationship each time we get back together. I’ve gotten closer to his kids and everything. I’ve started the nc, and going on day 8. I really think he has problems. A lot is my fault for trying to make it work each time. I forgive so easily. Why does he do this to me?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 20, 2018 at 8:27 pm

      I there Confused!

      I think NC is the right move. Perhaps he has some issues around insecure attachment…not sure. I don’t see things as your fault. You are simply doing the natural thing in trying to make the relationship successful and work. Use this time in NC to heal and do things to bring meaning to your life. Also, you should pick up my eBook, 247 page ebook “The No Contact Rule Book” as it will help you immensely thru this process on how to maximize the effectiveness of NC both for yourself as well as re-attraction if you chose that path.

  10. Ros

    August 12, 2018 at 8:21 am

    My boyfriend & I just split up after a 3.5 year LDR. He admits to having a commitment phobia. I did all the travelling due to him having big business commitments & it was difficilt for him to get away. The chemistry between us was amazing. I was looking for a bit of commitment back from him, I felt I couldn’t keep doing all the travelling, without knowing if we had a future. The relationship has been quite up & down from the start. Due to me going through a divorce, having 2 children of my own to consider & having to rebuild my own work life. He has 3 children been married twice & has an extremely busy work life which I have supported him with over the last 3.5 years. It came to an end because I felt I was fed a lot of false hope so be both decided to have a break.
    I am now worried that I have lost him for good, seems such a pity because we were so good together when we were together, but I did struggle with us having so much time apart, and came over as insecure & needy I think.
    Anyway I am 4 days into the NC. Do you really think it will bring him back based on the basis of the relationship I talked about above?
    Or should I just except it’s over?
    Obviously not much detail there but it gives you an idea.

  11. Lucie

    August 11, 2018 at 3:36 am

    My ex broke up with me a while ago after some pleading and begging with him I went into no contact and I took him of all social media we didn’t speak for 2 and a half months then he started liking my friends posts if I was on them so I added him on Facebook and sent him a polite message saying There was no hard feelings and I’m in a better place for perspective now and that I also hope he was and hoped we could be civil, he replied saying no worry’s at all, I read his message and left it twenty minutes later he messaged again saying you ok anyway, we had quite a long conversation about work and what we had been up to and he didn’t reply after abit so I have just left it and have not stressed it. I go away in a few days on a girls holiday and have adventure holidays coming up, one of the reasons he split up with me is because he was always traveling and I didn’t want to go with him so as improving myself I have stepped out of my comfort zone and enjoyed it. Do you think with my new hobby’s and leaving the conversation and not trying to force more out of him was the right thing to do? I’m worried he will never message me again but I refuse to be needy and clingy again I want him to want to message me

  12. Erica

    August 9, 2018 at 8:11 pm

    I’ve had a off and on relationship with my boyfriend since two years. He pros ponder our wedding because of his children (thought it was to soon for them)and left me at one point when he got fired. I realize he has low self a confidence but we have moments that are amazing, full of love and compassion We are both in our mid ages and still struggling. I have a tendency to be drawn and attracted to emotional unavailable men and I realize this is an issue of mine, however I feel like I need some feed back. I’ve applied the NC rule for the second time with him and of course it works, however in the long run I’m not sure if I’m happy in this relationship. I want to feel safe in the realationship but I don’t. Just writing this makes me cringe. I always feel I need to have the upper hand and act strong to keep him interested although I’m tired and would love to show my vulnerability. I’m so confused.

  13. Jane

    August 4, 2018 at 9:48 pm

    Thank you for replying. He texted me yesterday “it was because every time we saw each other [after getting back in touch] you wanted to know whether I was playing games with you”, “Now you probably don’t want it anymore yourself”. I asked that exactly ONCE because he was hot and cold and was confusing me. I feel like he’s trying to blame me for his mood swings, so it’ll justify his actions and make everything okay, asking for validation at the same time.. should I reply? I know you told me to do NC but it seems so counterintuitive.. should I leave him on read or not open the message?
    Btw I already have some of your ebooks however they did not target that particular situation, and I’m too broke to buy another one right now, I’m just a student 🙁

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 5, 2018 at 2:07 am

      Hi Jane!

      you can always give him a heads up as to you need some space if you feel things are getting toxic with accusations.

  14. Jane

    August 1, 2018 at 6:47 pm

    My ex contacted me a week into no contact and I decided to text back. We saw each other a few times and we seemed to both want to get back together, but take things slowly because he was in the middle of moving out of his parents house (he still is). Everything was getting better and better but two weeks ago he started to have ups and downs again with respect to his mood and his attitude towards me. Now yesterday we saw each other for the fourth day in a row (20 mins each day during my lunch break) and he seemed weird and I made a light hearted joke that he took the wrong way. He then told me that we’d been seeing each other too much and I was getting on his nerves. I texted him later that I would like our relationship to be less strained and he said he felt sorry for putting me in a bad mood with his mood swings and that he didn’t know why he was so reluctant to keep in touch with me lately, he felt like it brought him a lot of obligations. In an answer to a previous comment of mine a few days ago, you told me to act a little coy and make him afraid of losing me, so I told him that if this went on for too long I might not want to keep in touch anymore, as this was dragging me down when I’m actually happy. He said “maybe that’s what you should do”. I read the text and didn’t reply. Should I text anything back? Should I go into no contact? Did I make a mistake by “warning” him? I am really lost right now

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 2, 2018 at 3:14 am

      Hi Jane! broke NC! He is not being very nice and perhaps need to learn to appreciate you more. I think NC is order and by the way, if you have not picked up my eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” go take a look as it will help you a lot more than I can here in a few sentences!

  15. Lucy

    July 28, 2018 at 3:44 am

    Hey Chirs, thank you for responding.
    My friends and family are mostly telling me to move on. I’m really really scared that I’ve lost him forever. I’m not quite sure what to do. We were together for 10 months which is a lot for a high school relationship (we’re both seniors). Our relationship was unhealthy towards the end because I kept obsessing if I loved him enough or in the right way. I spammed him in the middle of the night and called him just to get his reassurance that everything was okay. My family have told me multiple times that I drove them insane, so I’m guessing he was really really hurting for a couple of months as he was in the middle of my “emotional mealstorm”. He told me a week after the break up that he didn’t love me anymore, that he did more than anything a week before the break up, but that the feeling started vanishing over the week. He said this after I tried to convince him that a relationship with me would be different and that I would give him more space as I was still assuming that that was the reason he broke up. I’ve decided not to believe him even though he probably believes himself right now. He has a habit of shutting down when he’s hurt (he tried to convince me he didn’t actually like his best friend after being worried sick about him the night before). He also told a mutual friend that he hopes I find someone who I can love and am happy with. I know that my happiness is(or at least was) one of the most important things to him and that he would do almost anything to make me happy. Breaking up with me was probably the hardest thing he’s ever done. Especially since I badgered him into it by constantly asking what was going on (I felt him distancing himself).
    We have most of the same friends so it’s been hard to avoid him. The occasions I am around him he usually does his absolute best to not look at me. Right after the break up we ended up staring at each other a lot. One time we even kept inching closer and closer and were facing each other and staring at each other, getting closer, but a friend pulled me away. Since then he’s been looking better every day, he usually completely avoids looking at me, but I (and a friend) noticed that he keeps staring when his friends aren’t there to distract him and I ignore him. He invited me to his birthday party three times (once through a mutual friend because he didn’t want to be too demanding or rude). After two days of me ignoring him and showing him that I’m still having fun without him he gave me back a movie I gave him to watch with his family back when we were together. He sounded kind of sad. He also sounded sad on the phone when his friend called him while we were at a lake and asked him to join us (not mentioning I was there too… I wasn’t too happy with the situation).

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      July 28, 2018 at 4:45 am

      You welcome Lucy… of luck with you ex recovery plan and I hope my ebooks and posts, and podcasts help you!

  16. Lucy

    July 27, 2018 at 8:29 pm

    My ex told me when he broke up with me that he needed space. A week after the break up when he came up to me and asked me how I was doing and if we could stay friends I made the mistake of telling him that I was trying to show him that I could give him the space he asked for. It’s been 3 weeks and I think I probably broke no contact a week ago. Should I still do no contact if I’ve been seeing signs that he still loves me, but is doing his absolute best to move on (for example staring at me across the classroom when I completely ignore him, but then giving me my stuff back)?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      July 27, 2018 at 9:22 pm

      Hi Lucy!

      Looks like its getting really close to that time when you can reach out to him in the way I teach in my ebooks and on this site. Starting first with an initial text message to build the connection. I encourage you to look at the program I discuss in my ebooks and to continue to soak up all the info available on this site.

  17. Sara

    May 14, 2018 at 1:10 pm

    Hi guys,

    Need some advice. Left my partner due to feeling neglected and alone. This has been carrying on for over 2months. Everytime I confronted him about it, he told me he would fix it but he never did. I felt like the more I complained the less I got to see him.. I know he has alot going on, his currently not working and other family issues. But its dragged on for so long I couldn’t handle it as I felt like I wasn’t in his top priorities which brought me down emotional that i couldn’t handle it anymore so i ended it 3 days ago. He said right now he would much rather a break then a break up considering he is just going through a rough time. He said he knows how much I want to get married and have kids there for his trying to get his career on track. but I persisted it is a break up and thats it. He said maybe we just need space and in a few days will miss each other and contact each other I told him I am changing my number and moving on. But again I was so certain i wanted it over for good. He asked for a hug when we were saying our goodbyes. I hugged him and he started crying he told to look after myself and he also said he doesnt think I should switch my phone off and that he doesn’t believe this is the end for us. Was this an indication that he was going to get back in contact with me ?

    Please don’t think i am selfish for leaving him at his worse. But for over two months I was getting stood up, he was always canceling dates on me. Or even worse there was times he wouldn’t even see me for 2 weeks and when I confronted him or asked him if I could see him soon he said I’m so busy I don’t even have an hour to spree. This is not something nice to hear. It hurts because I prioritized him so much..

    Its now day 3 and I’ve been wanting to send him a message just to let him know now that my emotions aren’t so high that i happy to give this break rather then a break up…

    Please also keep in mind I did reach out to him as soon as we left each other after the break up. I texted him letting him know I am still here from him if he needs someone to talk too in regards to his personal issues considering his the one that said he didn’t want to cut all contact with me and didnt think switching my phone off was a good idea.

    He is also very stubborn so I can not see him reaching out to me.. Your advice will be much appreciated as I no longer know how to deal with this and I don’t want my next move to be a mistake..

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 14, 2018 at 2:53 pm

      Hi Sara….thanks for stopping by. I think you guys are going to work through this and this period of no contact will allow you both some time to heal and look at your priorities. I know you are going through rough times. But you will get through this! If you are looking for some ongoing, directed help, consider my ebook Ex Recovery Pro. It covers a wide range of topics related to the ex recovery scene. Just click on my website’s menu and check out the “Products” Page to learn more

  18. Alexa

    May 12, 2018 at 7:09 pm

    My long distance ex had broken up with me after 2 years. The reason he gave was the distance issue. He still wants to be my friend and call me or text me like we usually do. I stopped contacting him and its been 10 days since then.
    What should I do.. What if he bever contacts me??

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 12, 2018 at 11:05 pm

      Hi Alexa….that is the fear most people have about no contact, but the process is intended to improve your value. So going forward here is what I think you should do! First, take a look at a more comprehensive resource I created called, Ex Recovery Pro. It can be found on my website’s Menu Section under “Products”. It’s full of ideas of what you should and shouldn’t do. Secondly, don’t let this get you down too much. It’s normal to feel bad and worried, but know that the way forward is by having an Action plan and focusing on your own self recovery first!

  19. Anonymous

    May 9, 2018 at 10:04 pm

    Hi Everyone, I need a bit of insight with this situation. I have been in an off-again/on-again kind of relationship with my ex for the last year. Prior to this, we did not speak for over a year. Prior to that we were exclusive for 1yr. Long story short, I ended up in a situation where we were together without the title (FWB). The moment we would get close to getting back together, he backed off saying he doesnt know. Eventually I got fed up and told him we want different things, and I’m not interested in speaking to him if he is not interested in being exclusive. I have implimented the no contact rule for 8 days now. As I am doing this, I don’t even know if this is the man I want to be with, but I know we share something and I’d be open to trying if he came back. I guess, I’m wondering, will he come back? I usually cave in and end up contacting him every time I call it quits, and I know he knows he has me where he wants me (my own fault for doing this), so this time, I’m staying strong and not backing down. Thanks!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 9, 2018 at 11:53 pm

      Hey thee Miss A.! Perhaps your ex has a little commitment discomfort going on in the back of his head, though I am sure there are a lot of things going from his side of the equation. I think you are going about it correctly (i.e. NC). Do make sure you are making use of the best tools and resources. If you haven’t already, take a look at my ebook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” as it is epic in length and is designed to help you through all of the elements of this process. (visit my website Menu/Products link). Use the NC period to focus on “you” and seek to be the best “you”. Perhaps he will be interested in revisiting the relationship. Perhaps not. You can’t control everything around his decision making. What is important is to remind yourself that you are indeed a “catch” and if it doesn’t work out, you will definitely land on your feet and find the right guy. Kudos to you for your commitment to stay strong. Also, if you need some ongoing support, take a look at joining my “Private Facebook Support Group Community” which you can learn more about at my site! Let me know how it goes for you!

  20. Anonymous

    May 6, 2018 at 4:07 pm

    Hi everyone, would really appreciate some insight on my ex’s mind if you could..
    On your second example, the text message example was basically what happened to me. However, when I didn’t reply he said “Fine, avoid me!” And then blocks me.
    I’m really confused and shocked as to why this hasn’t happened, it has now been 14 days.
    Thank you!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 6, 2018 at 8:54 pm

      Looks like he is acting immaturely, but emotions can fly high during breakup periods. In time, things should settle down.

    2. Anonymous

      May 7, 2018 at 8:30 am

      Thank you Chris! So I continue NC?

    3. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 7, 2018 at 3:54 pm

      Yes…I think it is appropriate in your situations and if you need any Companion Guides, feel free to check out any of my ebooks available on my website (website Menu/products link) as they help guide you through the whole process.

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