So, you want to know exactly what your ex boyfriend is thinking about during the no contact rule, do ya?

I’ll admit that lately this has been a very popular topic for the Private Facebook Group.

You know, it’s been really amazing seeing hundreds of women communicate in our group about their breakups. I pick up on all sorts of perspectives that I never would have thought of by myself before.

For example, one of the things that has become clear is that men react very differently to the no contact rule.

One woman can use the no contact rule on her ex and get messages like this,

Where another woman can use it and get nothing from her ex.

But in my half decade of advising women on how to get their exes back there is one thing I have learned about the no contact rule that no one out there ever talks about. It isn’t so much the panicky text messages that you get from your ex during the no contact rule that matter it’s whats going on inside of that head of his!

That’s where this article is going to come into play.

I am going to tell you EXACTLY what’s going on inside of an ex boyfriends mind during the no contact rule by using facts… pure unadulterated facts.

Wait… How Are You Going To Use Facts?

The more and more I sit back and think about what I have over the rest of my competition out there it’s numbers and successes.

I am willing to pit my numbers, experience and successes over any one of my competitors out there.

What’s the big advantage here?

Well, since I have had so many success stories in my time here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery (and actually interviewed the women with them here, here and here) I have noticed something pretty darn cool. The women who get their exes back ask them about their time during the no contact rule so they gain the ultimate insight into what their men were actually thinking.

After they have gained that insight they actually report back to me (because they are happy they got him back.)

Do you see where I am going here?

I am going to piggyback off of the successful women who have heard what their exes are actually thinking during the no contact rule and let you in on all of the secrets.

In other words, you are going to get insight into your own man by hearing what real men are thinking during the no contact rule.

Oh, and since I am a man I am going to throw in a few of my very own insights.

Sound good?

Let’s begin!

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Thought #1: She Has To Contact Me First

Out of all the thoughts I am going to let you in on today this is the one that resonates with me the most.


Well, I actually have personal experience with this.

This was the exact thought that I had during my very first breakup.

I literally remember thinking,

There is no way I am going to message here or think about talking to her. She is going to have to talk to me first.

And that’s exactly what happened.

She reached out to me first and it just fed into my ego that “I was winning the breakup.”

It wasn’t until later that I realized that me “winning” also meant that I had lost attraction for her.

You see, I am sure if you were to ask me while I was going through that breakup if I would ever consider taking her back I would have said yes.

In fact, I seem to recall a time where I literally thought to myself,

I bet if I really tried to get her back I could… But she’s going to have to contact me first.

And then it happened.

One day my phone buzzed…

I picked it up…

And lo and behold I got this text,

In that moment I truly felt like I could get her back whenever I wanted and in that moment I felt I had no desire to get her back anymore.


Well, there was no challenge to it.

Besides, we had a very tough relationship and it was just enough headwind to not make me take any action to rectify things.

Of course, this is a personal story from me. So, how do I know that this is a reaction other men will have outside of me?

Well, I’d like to turn your attention to “Kelly’s” ex boyfriend below,

A bit of background on this one.

Kelly is actually a part of our Private Facebook Group (which is actually offered to all of my one on one coaching clients for free) and she didn’t hear from her ex at all during the no contact rule. So, naturally she was wondering what he was thinking and I eventually told her the story I just told you.

This is what she had to say after she got him back and asked him what he was thinking,

I’m back with him because he said he was too stubborn but he had been waiting to hear from me and he missed me and he wanted it all to work out.

This is real proof.

Not just some story I made up.

This is a real reaction from a real man when the no contact rule is being done to him.

Thought #2: Why Isn’t She Contacting Me?

Close your eyes and imagine something for a minute for me.

You and your ex go through a really horrible breakup.

(Wait… that probably already happened.)

Anyways, you go through this really rough breakup and decide that you are going to do the no contact rule on him.

Of course, your ex is of the mind that the two of you should be “friends” so he reaches out a few days after the breakup with a text message like this,

Pretty basic message, right?

So, in his head he’s thinking that you are going to respond within a few minutes of him sending that text to you.

There’s just one little hiccup in his plan.

He doesn’t have the slightest idea that you are in the midst of a no contact period and when your response doesn’t come he starts to panic and sends something like this,

You see, he figures that if he acts caring towards you that you are going to break down and respond to him. Of course, since you are incredibly intelligent you decide to ride things out in the no contact rule by not responding to him.

Of course, when that happens he gets a little angry by the fact that you couldn’t acknowledge “how nice he was being to you.”

That’s when you start getting text messages like these,

Do you see the progression?

How it starts off innocent and then slowly but surely evolves into anger by the fact that you are ignoring him.

It’s at this point where one singular thought is going to dominate,

Wait… why isn’t she contacting me or responding?

Now, before I started down this path I made a solemn vow.

My Vow = Every thought that I claim a man has during the no contact rule has to be backed up by real reactions by real men.

Well, I’d like to introduce you to Kathy!

Kathy is one of the most active members in the Private Facebook Group which she got access to after purchasing my book and she’s obviously dead set on getting her ex back.

Would you like to see the results Kathy is getting with the no contact rule?

Well, this is a post she recently posted to the Facebook Group,

Now, here’s a bit of context.

Kathy has been in the no contact rule for about two weeks at this point and you can see how he’s totally breaking down by the fact that she isn’t responding to him,

  • She has gotten 8 phone calls from him
  • Out of those 8 phone calls he has left 4 voicemails
  • She has also gotten a lot of text messages scattered throughout the day

So, why would her ex boyfriend act this crazy?

Well, let’s think about things from his perspective for a moment.

During his relationship with Kathy the two of them got into a certain routine.

He would text her…

She would text him back…

He would text her back…

And so on and so forth.

Now, here is the crazy part. Kathy told me that this routine actually continued after the two of them broke up.

It’s really strange, I have never had a breakup like this before. It’s almost like we are still dating but without the “official title.”

It was at this point that we advised Kathy to enter into a no contact rule and that’s when the fireworks began.

You see, by implementing the no contact rule on her ex Kathy has essentially interrupted the pattern that he had grown so accustomed to.

Instead of having his normal responses he is literally sitting there thinking,

Why isn’t she responding to me?

And this singular thought is motivating him enough to try to do everything in his power to get her to respond.

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Thought #3: She’s Not Reaching Out To Me… Good! I Wasn’t Going To Get Back With Her Anyways

For many of you this is your ultimate nightmare but I am going to show you something that is going to completely re-frame the way you look at a man who has this thought.

But before I do that let’s talk a little bit about the state of mind a man is in who is thinking this.

So, the complete thought is,

She’s not reaching out to me…. GOOD! I wasn’t going to get back with her anyways.

This almost has an immature tone to it, doesn’t it?

For example, because you ignored your ex he is going to say/think something to limit his potential future (being with you.)

In other words, it is a reaction to the fact that he isn’t getting his way.

Anger is what usually sparks these kind of thoughts.

Think back to your relationship now.



Are you there?



Ok, let me ask you a question.

Did your ex boyfriend ever say that he hated you or that the two of you would never be together again during your breakup?

Well, chances are that he said that during a moment of pure anger.

I mean, I don’t know many things that are as painful or angering as a breakup.

Do you?

Of course, when I try to explain to women that their ex boyfriends don’t necessarily mean what they are saying when they say they hate you, they are simply reacting to the emotions that they are feeling in that moment, it doesn’t seem to get through their heads.

Which is why I would like to introduce you to Sarah Michelle!

Now, Sarah Michelle has a bit of an interesting story.

You see, I first met Sarah Michelle on one of my Facebook Lives within the private facebook group which she got access to after purchasing my book.

(If you didn’t already know I do Facebook Lives in the group three days a week: Monday, Wednesday and Friday!)

At the time she asked her question I was really into watching another very popular “Sarah Michelle,”

Yep, Sarah Michelle Gellar (AKA: Buffy The Vampire Slayer.)

Now, if you are new to this site then one thing that you are going to learn about me very quickly is that there are two television shows that I love above all!

Show #1: Game of Thrones

Show #2: Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Anyways, I jokingly started referring to Sarah Michelle in the group as Buffy and the name kind of stuck.

Now, let’s fast forward a month to when we receive this fun little post in the group,

So, not only did she find a way to get her ex back but she is actually engaged to him know.

Buffy got game!

Now, you may be sitting there wondering,

Umm… What the hell does this even have to do with him saying that he isn’t interested in me?

Well, when I actually interviewed buffy about her success she said something that I thought was incredibly telling.

It was just so out of nowhere and I see all this girls on like the Facebook live, like their ex tells them, “I don’t love you anymore” like, “You’re too much” like, “We’re never going to be together again,” I heard all those things, all of them.

I heard every single one of those things come out of his mouth. When it came down to it, I found out he didn’t mean any of it, none of it. And I think that’s the hardest thing to comprehend, when you’re going through it because I feel a lot of the girls like in the Facebook page, all the guys say that and like when you hear it, like you just don’t understand at all.

Interesting, eh?

So, what Buffy is saying here is that her ex basically gave her all the common breakup excuses that you hear out there but when push came to shove she found out that he didn’t mean any of them.

And I have to say that this is a common trend I see time and time again.

So, while you may initially think it’s the end of the world if your ex has this thought that he isn’t going to take you back I am here to tell you that it’s not the end of the world.

Do you have a chance of getting him back?
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Thought #4: I Am Going To Win This Breakup

I want to switch gears for a moment here and talk a little bit about thoughts I have had during my actual self imposed no contact rules during breakups.

You see, the way I figure it is that statistically speaking if I am having a thought during a no contact period other men are bound to have the same exact thoughts.

Sure, there may be a few exceptions here and there who don’t think the same ways that I do but generally speaking I serve as a pretty good litmus test.

Now, the thing you have to understand about me (and other men) is the fact that some of us like to view breakups as a competition.

Such a male thing to do… I know.

And like with any good competition there is a winner and a loser.

I think it’s important to define what the winner and the loser of a breakup are.

Winner = The person who makes their significant other fawn after them and regret their decision.

Loser = The person who fawns over their significant other and regrets their decision.

During my very first breakup I remember very clearly having this exact mindset.

I was going to do everything I possibly could to “win” the breakup or die trying.

Of course, that’s when an idea sparked in my head. Care to take a guess at what that idea was?

Go ahead and reference thought #1 in this article.




Done referencing?

That was my idea.

Isn’t it interesting how there is a strange synergy between thought #4 and thought #1.

If I hadn’t set out to “win the breakup” I wouldn’t have ever thought to “make her contact me first.”

Now, I am not one for making bold statements without having statistical proof to back them up. However, if I was a betting man I think I’d end up getting rich off of betting on the fact that most men will seek to “win the breakup” after they go through one. In fact, this is a concept that I am constantly trying to explain to my one on one coaching clients so that they fully understand the mindset of a man.

Now, you may be sitting there wondering,

Why the heck does this even matter?

Well, I think it’s important to understand this mindset because it will springboard a man to have so many other thoughts during the no contact rule.

Take my example above.

I probably wouldn’t have ever thought of waiting until my ex contacted me first if I wasn’t trying to “win the breakup.”

I mean, there are so many different analogies I can draw from to prove this point.

Take any professional athlete, a profession where you get paid based on your ability to compete.

These men and women will do anything to win at their sport.

Heck, some of them take it so seriously that they cheat by using PED’s like steroids.

The important thing to remember here is that competition drives them to do it.

And a man with the mindset that he is going to “win the breakup” is essentially turning things into a competition and that means you can expect some crazy behavior from him.

Keep that in mind!

Thought #5: I’ve Lost Her Forever

I want to save the best for last!

Out of every single thought I have mentioned in this article this is the thought that you absolutely want your ex boyfriend to have.

But more on that in a second.

Yesterday I was interviewing Anna from our Facebook group.

If you didn’t already know, Anna is one of our superstar members who got her ex back,

Anyways, Anna was nice enough to agree to an interview with me where I got to pick her brain about how she used my system to get her ex back.

And during this interview she said something that really fascinated me,

“You know Chris… I asked him that if I hadn’t of reached out to him after the no contact rule if we would still be together and he said no.”

Now, this fascinates me because this isn’t actually the first time I have heard this from a woman who has gotten her ex back.

In fact, I have been hearing variations of this type of response from ex boyfriends.

So, what does it mean?

Well, at the core it means that they had hit that point where they were wanting to hear from their exes (you) but had mentally prepared themselves to move on.

Now, maybe this isn’t a revolutionary insight but I actually think it is.

I mean, it’s at the point where your ex gives up on you that you can actually have a lot of success at shifting things in your favor.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that almost every success story that I have talked to in person has repeated this insight from their exes.

Now, why do you think that is?

Well, I think it has a lot to do with “the unexpected.”

Let’s take a walk around in your exes shoes for a minute.

So, your ex hits this point in his mind where he literally thinks to himself,

I have lost her forever…

Therefore his paradigm has shifted and he has literally convinced himself of this.


I think it’s important for me to remind you that you are in the midst of a no contact rule at this point.


After your no contact rule is finished you send your ex the following text message,

Now, this is completely unexpected to him.


Because he has literally convinced himself that he has no chance with you ever again and this text is a ray of hope.

In other words, it’s unexpected and that makes it even more powerful than it would have originally been.

459 thoughts on “Here’s Exactly What He’s Thinking During The No Contact Rule”

  1. Avatar


    March 17, 2019 at 6:40 pm

    Hello, I’m in a sad situation right now. My boyfriend and I were together on and off for 18 months. We were happy but had communication issues.

    My boyfriend and I broke up last May after being together for 7 months, but never really broke up; carried on seeing each other almost every day, he moved back in and we continued to act like a couple. He said he wasn’t sure if he wanted us to be together again. We got back together officially in September and then on a holiday in December he broke up with me again. He said he was hoping to see improvement in my approach to life but nothing had changed. I’ve had depression on and off for a few years so at times I’ve not been the greatest to be around and he often said he was tired of dealing with my emotions. I’ve often felt he hadn’t been as affectionate and supportive as he could have been and got upset at him about it and then we would argue. He said he felt I wasn’t making an effort to improve my life. But I’ve been trying so hard. He got angry at me yesterday and said I wouldn’t realise I needed to make changes until I’d lost everything and that I’m certainly not changing wih him being here.

    We carried on living together after the break up in December but not sleeping together apart from twice as he said he wasnt sexually attracted to me anymore. Then he said it just doesn’t feel right being intimate with me. He has told me he no longer loves me and doesn’t see us getting back together as he wants to be alone. But we have carried on having emotional intimacy and he said he thinks the world of me and wants the best for me, we laugh and joke and talk, we support each other in our daily routine and often spend our spare time together. He even talks about us going away with the dog on a bus we were converting to travel on. I was going to take him away in May for his birthday and he has spoken about my birthday in August. He knows how much I love him and we have argued because I am resentful that he doesn’t love me.

    He told me he was only staying to make sure I’m okay financially which I assured him he didn’t need to worry about. Then he said he was staying so I wouldn’t be alone and I said I’ll survive without him and then he said he just likes living here but doesn’t want to argue. He said when the bus is ready he will be leaving as he will be travelling on it.

    I feel like my life is in a good place now as I’ve just got a new job that I enjoy, I’m enjoying my social life and I have plans for the future. I’ve completed therapy and I’ve reduced my dosage of antidepressant. The only thing dragging me down is this situation.

    I asked him to leave yesterday and he moved out today. He started getting messages from women he says are his friends from travelling and are overseas. He said one of them was over here on business and he was going to meet her today, I was a little concerned but then was like whatever it’s his friend. But then saw a message with her giving him the name of her hotel and this just made me suspicious and my heart sunk. He said nothing would happen as it’s weird for him to be living here and sleep with someone else, that they are friends and then that even if he did want to do something, we aren’t together. When he left we were amicable and he asked to kiss me but I said no, then he asked to kiss my cheek and I let him. He said he’ll see me soon but I didn’t respond.

    Is it too late for the no contact rule to work? Is it over for good? I want time alone and space away from him to gain perspective and build myself up again, but maybe we could come back together after some space and realisation and I just want to know if that’s possible. I hope he doesn’t sleep with this woman today but I think he will.

    Thank you x

  2. Avatar


    March 10, 2019 at 6:32 pm

    Hi there Chris

    I need your advice! 5 year relationship that he ended. We clash alot but the love and intimacy is only what I can describe as amazing. I’ve taken alot of responsibility for the problems and by text have tried to tell him after 2 months not seeing him I’ve changed. He doesn’t believe me and I cannot show him unless he tries. I’ve tried no contact and a fewctjmes he’s reached out. Now he’s ignoring me (as I stated I met a make friend) – stupidly. I’m back in no contact as I was getting no reply. How do i prove I’ve changed if he won’t let me or denies I have? It’s do hard and although I’m moving on slowly o just wish we could get to point I could show him. X

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      March 10, 2019 at 9:28 pm

      Hi Jenny! So 5 years is meaningful in that roots get laid down and that traction can play a role in recovery. So its happens sometimes that we can’t resist contacting our ex, only to see our progress slide back or show little improvement. Better to do it fully to allow it to help you in both the healing department as well as improve your chances with your ex. Go pick up my eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” as its epic in length and will help you through all of this.

  3. Avatar

    sabrina Collins

    February 28, 2019 at 8:26 pm

    Hi Chris,
    I was with my ex for 17 years. We have a house together and two dogs. I moved overseas and he stayed at home. The agreement was he would follow me over once he sold the house. He made several excuses not to sell the house, so I felt no other option but to end the relationship with him as waiting for him become too painful and distracting for me. He wasn’t very open or honest during the build-up to me moving overseas, I started to doubt everything he would say about moving. (He didn’t show any signs of excitement and wasn’t displaying big gestures of affection either.)

    Since the breakup last November, we’ve been messaging each other almost daily, although he insists that I must contact him first! However, he denies that he wants to get back together and insists he’s just being supportive towards me when I text or call him but he never fails to answer my calls. He’s not dating anyone yet either and tells me that he’s not ready to date anyone either. He tells me that he doesn’t want to be with me and I can remove him off my visa which would definitely mean it’s over. He doesn’t show any signs of regret or even much emotion about us ending.

    The whole situation is a total mess. Before starting the NC 5 days ago, I became very irrational saying things like, ‘I regret the day I met you’ etc. I would then apologise and tell him how much I missed him. I totally lost control of my emotions because I felt like it was all too much to handle. I felt no other choice but to give him space and protect my sanity by using the NC rule.

    What do you think my chances are of a reconciliation? How much time do you think I should give to the NC rule? Do you think I should make a trip overseas to visit home as I still have all my belongings over there? Last time we saw each other in person was at the airport over 6 months ago.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 28, 2019 at 11:53 pm

      HI Sabrina….so 17 years is a good deal of time in which traction gets a grip and roots get laid down, so that couple play a role in pulling you both back into each other orbit…its referred to as lingering attachment. But beyond that, yes, NC is a worthwhile strategy going forward. You should take a look at my eptic 485 page eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” as it can dive into more of the details than I can here with the limited time I have. NC periods range from 21-45 days, but it varies for everyone depending on a lot of factors and sometimes exceptions can be made along the way or ending it earlier depending on his behavior. BUT NC is much more than just an effort to get your ex back…its about your healing and recovery and having time to regain your emotional balance so as to evaluate what is in your best interest. I cover much of this in an specialized eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book”. So lots of resources to consider.

  4. Avatar


    February 11, 2019 at 6:17 pm

    Hi Chris
    I’ve been reading a lot on the internet to help my situation. I was with my husband for 4 years. And after Christmas I found a spare phone which he had active. He denied anything wrong with it but he said he wasn’t happy and me having doubts about what he is doing and packed his stuff and left to live at his mums. My daughter (his step daughter) and I were devastated and I couldn’t understand what I did wrong. He said he was never coming back and things had gone to far. He then started texting he missed me a week later and we met up a few days and I thought he would be coming back, but I found the same phone in the car this time I looked and it had lots of women’s numbers and his tinder profile which had a picture of a selfie he took on our wedding day that he sent me. I was gutted. I was calm and asked him why he was in our home and he said he loved me and just couldn’t come back. I showed him the phone and he said I should leave since you know the truth now. So I said I respect your decision and just leave. I was in pieces. He threw the phone over the balcony and said I want to save my marriage and I’m bringing all my stuff back. He then flipped and said I’ve hurt you so much I’ll never gain your trust again and he left. I didn’t text him. I was still in shock. I fell asleep early and in the morning saw all these messages. I tried to reply back but he blocked me. He said he couldn’t do this anymore and he hated himself for what he did and that to start the separation papers and to remove him from my property. So I did all he requested and said I accepted his decision as I had no other choice. The lawyer advised me to tell him the papers were sent out. He responded and tried calling but I couldn’t answer his calls as I was hurting so much. His messages basically said he will sign anything and send back. I was gutted as I thought he’d say sorry and that this isn’t want he wanted. I then sent a text back saying ‘as requested I’ve done everything you have asked to help you move on quicker from all this. I need to now focus my energy on me and my daughter and getting us to a better place. I won’t be in contact for a while whilst I sort all of this out. Hope you are doing well in your new job. All the best’ he responded with a sad face emoji and then text ‘I hate that message’. I didn’t reply. And I know he has paid the separation papers. I’m so gutted as I wanted to work out my marriage but he didn’t put if shame and pride. It’s been two weeks and I haven’t heard from him. But I don’t think I’ll ever hear from him again. And I guess I’m using the no contact rule to sort my feelings out as I’m still in shock with everything. We had an amazing wedding, a great relationship with travelling, restaurants etc. Yes we argued. And had moments apart but nothing as serious as this. We bought our first home together. Only lived in it for 4 months before all this. He is in massive amounts of debt, living in his dads living room and dropped his wages at work. He tried to get his own apartment but failed referencing, now looking for a room to rent. Yet I’m here willing to help, but he gave up so quick on everything. I don’t understand tbh. Will he ever contact me again?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 11, 2019 at 11:29 pm

      Hi Leila…so my advice is to tap into some of the resources you will find on my home page to help you implement the No Contact rule properly and all of the rest of the things that go along with that. Remember that sorting out your feelings and focusing on your own healing is the most important part of NC.

  5. Avatar


    December 14, 2018 at 10:02 am

    Hi Chris,
    for some time I read your articles and watch your clips and hope you can help me … if possible of course.
    I am 28 years old, I have been married for 5 months, been with my husband together for 5 years, been living together for 3. After the wedding, the things between us seemed to get worse. Later I realized that my husband had feelings for his colleague (info – his colleague is also married for 3 months). A month ago, we decided to give ourselves time (thirty days) to figure out what we would do with our relationship from here on. He left the home. The end of this month comes in two days. During this month, I applied the no contact rule and did not search for him, I did not call him, I closed my social accounts. I found out that several times he looked for me. One time he came home to pay utility bills, next time I know he saw with my mother (they had a pretty good relationship) and he asked her for me – how I am. He has asked about me a friend of ours. One of the ways in which he called me was my personal holiday. Call me to tell me that he went home to leave me something for the holiday – he had bought me a big bouquet of flowers. I want to save my marriage and the relationship, but I want to know if I have a chance at all. I am worried because on other days I will know what my future will be from now on! What do you think? Do I have a chance? Is there a chance for a month to overcome his feelings towards the colleague and become aware of what he want from me? Sorry if my writhing isn’t good, but English isn’t my native language.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 15, 2018 at 12:03 am

      Hi Anna!

      All things are possible because the future is always moving with many possibilities. What most important is having a plan that can help you realize what you want. Do you have an ex Recovery plan. If not, visit my Home page and check out the resources I make available.

  6. Avatar

    Amy Griggs

    November 30, 2018 at 3:41 am

    Hi, Chris. — I’m an older woman, who’s been in a long-distance relationship, for the past two years, with a man who’s also older. Though he’s traveled to see me, I’ve done more of the traveling to see him – and I haven’t minded that, because I love the area in which he lives (we bought a house and acreage, together – jointly). When apart, we’ve spoken on the phone, nearly every night, as well. The situation is that though he’s a decent enough man at heart, he’s a country man – with a very low level of education and a limited perspective. I do really feel that, for various reasons, I’ve turned myself inside out, trying to help him and to help make our relationship work. — Quite often these two years, I’ve become angry at things he does (or doesn’t do). Recently, something happened (it was an accident on our property), that could have been prevented – and when I tried to explain that to him on the phone, three nights’ ago, it turned into an argument. I felt that he was really making stupid remarks, when he really should have known better. (It was a common sense issue.) The argument escalated (and I truly do believe I was right, and I also believe most people would objectively believe I was right – and this is not even about my being right, really), and he then said he’d call me the next day – thereby he wanted to control the conversation by ending it. I was fed up by then and said, “You know what? – don’t call me.” He hasn’t. (After all, I DID tell him not to call me.) That said, I’m not going to call him. On top of this, I’m having health concerns – and he knows this – and I’ve been under a fair amount of stress, as a result. — Bottom line, I won’t call him – and it could be that he’ll never call me. Being that we co-own our property, it could be a bit sticky and awkward, if this all heads toward a break up. Perhaps he took my “Don’t call me” as meaning that we’re done. — Relationships are complicated, but I’m still not going to call him.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      November 30, 2018 at 5:18 am

      Hi Amy…first off….the most important thing is your health….emotional and physical. You should take a deeper dive into the no contact principle which is an important element in many ex recovery programs. It affords you an opportunity to accomplish many things for yourself and potentially for the relationship recovery. Visit my home page as I have a lot of resources and tools for you there. But its starts with you healing and there is a process for that.

  7. Avatar


    November 26, 2018 at 8:37 am

    hi chris… i amin a relationship with a guy for about 3 to 4 years now and we are about to get married but suddenly he changed his mind saying 100 reasons but he didnt break up and wanting me to be around him. i was frustrated at the start but hold on to my emotions and now its 6 months never contacted him upfront but replied to his texts minimal. meanwhile he keeps saying or giving some hints he wants me and as wife but just keep taking time and no commitment. what should i do?

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    November 19, 2018 at 9:20 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I done the no contact for 2 weeks (because we have children) in August. One day I had 32 missed calls, then another 25. But the worst one was 58 times in one day and a few texts! People said “no way he’s calling all those times just to speak to the kids. He’s stressing because he’s wanting to know what your up to as well and showing your moving on etc”
    He was doing this whilst he was sleeping with this girl (she had a husband and 4 kids. I know, terrible)
    Anyway, I’m back on the no contact because this girl is getting too involved when we have family time (which makes us end up arguing) he’s apologised and said he knows I’m not to blame and it’s her but I just don’t know what to do anymore. The last thing I want to be doing is arguing over her because that’s what she wants. So that’s why I’ve decided to go back to no contact until he sorts his sh$t out. But the sad thing is, he doesn’t get to speak to his son either because of his age.
    It will be 2 weeks on Wednesday that we’ve not spoke. He does send nice messages can I ring him please or tell the kids he loves them, then to not so nice messages. Which, I ignore.
    It’s hard because we have children but I’m not having someone of 5 minutes of knowing him keep spoiling our family time, it’s wrong (which he’s been kind of allowing) . He said that wont be happening again and he sees what she is doing etc… We’ve been together for 13yrs and he’s known her a couple of months. She is so needy and obviously threatened by me.
    He told his friend who I saw the other day it was just a fling gone wrong and he feels he’s got himself in such a mess and all she does is go on at him all the time. To his friend saying back that he would be stupid of risking losing a very good family that he had. He said “he knows, he knows, and he’s working on it. He said his head is up his arse.
    His friend said “I got onto him straight away. He doesn’t sound the same person and he didn’t sound too happy”

    I just don’t know what to do. I am focusing on healing myself and showing him I’m moving on and spoke to someone, but, I’m scared if he thinks I’m moving on it will push him in her arms just for the sake of it.

    I feel like I’m at a lost cause because I just don’t know what to think or do. One minute I think “there could be light” then the next I think “I’ve lost him forever!”

    Please, if you have any advice is be grateful…

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    November 18, 2018 at 1:03 pm

    Hello Chris,
    I did a week of no contact two weeks after he moved out to live with his parents, and after that week had passed he started texting once everyday. On the 7th day he called 3 times different hours asking me if I was alive? Or ok… I didn’t want to just disappear or become a ghost, nor did I want him to show up at our apartment. I responded very cut and dry “Needing some quiet time in my life to reflect on things and focus on my healing. I’m ok….”, he texted me the next day “no problem, Sorry for my insistence I was in the area and wanted to stop by and shower perhaps eat something (he had gotten out of work, and was heading to nursing school in Miami (reason for wanting to shower)). This had happened once before …I let him in, and we became intimate. That is when I started the NC rule. I did not want this to happen again… by messaging him did I break the NC rule? We’ve known each other for 5 yrs and out of those years lived together for 4 years… I have not contacted him since last message nor did I reply to the last message he sent about wanting to stop by again…

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      November 18, 2018 at 7:27 pm

      Hi Flo!

      Well, you do get more out of NC when you let it build slowly and also when you do the things within NC to optimize its advantages.

  10. Avatar


    October 26, 2018 at 8:42 pm

    Hi chris,
    I am in the NC period and my ex contact me after 14 days, and he want to talk to me. I answer and tell him that i am in hurry and if is something important that he want to say a will listen to him. He aksed me, when will we go on that trip we plan to go together, and i say that i dont know and tell him, i am sorry but i have to go, can i call you later, and he went silent and i repeat to him i will call you later. I didnt call him, and it was 4 days ago. We broke up because he act childish, and non stop insist to talk with me but when i tell him, we talk more than 1h, insted we see each others, he tell that he is tired and so on.. and after 20 days of talking and not seeing i told him that i cant be in this kind of relationship and this has no sense to me. And that is the day when i go for NC rule. What are you think, does he miss me and want me back, and is he ready to change and fullfild my needs? I dont understand him at all.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 27, 2018 at 1:06 am

      Hi Mary!

      Yep…some guys will act immature and childish. I think NC is the right medicine. Fee free to tap my website as I have a lot of information about NC in the form of eBooks, etc!

  11. Avatar

    Candace Willard

    October 14, 2018 at 11:07 pm

    To my long comment below…

    Hey again! Improving?? He hasnt talked to me more than a hi at work in over a month… I feel more confused than ever! To call me over to talk to him and someone else?! I mean… idk what he expected me to do? Since were not friends.. like I said we havent talked since the break up.. u dont think hes just playing games?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 15, 2018 at 3:06 am

      Hi Candace!

      Probably best to focus on your own healing right now which will help you with managing better whatever ex recovery plan you choose to implement.

  12. Avatar


    October 14, 2018 at 3:06 pm

    Hi Chris. My boyfriend told me we need to take a break. It’s 3rd day now and I’m really dying to know whether he is going to contact me or not, and when. Do you think giving his the space he wanted will make him want to come back to me. Confused.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 14, 2018 at 9:10 pm

      Hi Sindi!

      So I hope you are following my program. Pick up my eBook and make sure you know how the NC process works.

  13. Avatar

    Candace Willard

    October 14, 2018 at 5:15 am

    I cant find any of my comments! 🙁

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 14, 2018 at 9:35 pm

      Ummmm, not sure where they went Candace!

  14. Avatar


    October 14, 2018 at 5:03 am

    Hey Chris.. I cant find my original comment… but i gave u a lot to think about about a week ago.. my ex was the one who lost his son a cple years ago in a car accident and we work together Since that comment, I have found out from ppl at work that my ex broke up with me because of his personal stuff.. that it wasnt me.. ok.. well on Friday nights I been painting the town with my cousin..and dressing my best even at work (I dont have a dirty job so I can) and I leave right after work which is 1130pm..anywho Friday I wore a brand new outfit and caught him glancing several times..and I was getting the hellos and smiles and stuff..I keep it friendly at work..but have stopped texting him btw.. well tonight were up in the parking lot at break (well I snuck out), and he was out there talking to one of the girls who work there….. he goes Candy..i turn around and he says u can come over here..i dont bite and i turned back around..and hes just giggling.. so I turned around again and hes like kind of waving me over and he said you can come over I said I know I then I went to put my cig out and i said now I’m out of here..and hes like you’re leaving early???!!! I said no I snuck out for a cig… hes like oh ok.. then once inside he calls me over to show me his new tat..I said oh that’s cool..hope ur putting aquaphor on it..hes like no they said a and d I said well they are stupid..cause its aquaphor that keeps it moisturized and you can buy it at the dollar gentral for 5 bucks (he always thought it was funny I called the dollar general that) and he repeated it, laughed. I smiled he says I’m getting another one in 2 weeks..I was like nice and walked away..THEN he said nothing the other 2 times he saw me! Wth was that?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 14, 2018 at 9:37 pm

      Seems like things are improving.

  15. Avatar


    October 13, 2018 at 4:41 pm

    Dear Chris thanks for your sincere workable advice, this is my concern I broke up with my Ex yesterday over text coz I was very angry with him for not calling for 2days, what actually pissed me off is when I asked him why he just told me not to mind about that, I should know he is always thinking about me and he loves, I took it that he didn’t care and may be he didn’t contact because I’m not his priority, I quarreled and cancelled the call then I sent him a text saying its over, he didn’t reply, he hasn’t yet called even, what should I think now, I’m feeling so bad, we have been together for a month

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 14, 2018 at 9:50 pm

      Hi Pennie!

      Your ex needs to learn to treat you with kindness and pay attention to your needs. A little break will do you both good.

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    October 12, 2018 at 10:52 am

    Hi Chris, I’ve been with my love for 10 months and we are both in Australia alone just have each other. I am about to be 26 and he’s soon to be 28. We’ve lived together since the beginning and we’ve been through ALOT together. I love him so much but I had to leave him due to him still being on dating apps, testing other girls and even almost going to meet them. He swears to god he loves me and I know that for a fact due to some of his reactions towards some situations.

    We moved to a new city (took a 27-hour drive up north and he took weeks to fix the car) for my visa stuff and he left his job, friends and all to move here with me. He said if he didn’t love me, he wouldn’t do that. I know he’s online looking for girls and last time I saw him at the bar trying to talk to someone. I am very heartbroken and have been trying to talk to him about it and told him it hurts me many times, cried many times and he would hug me and say he only loves me and that all of that means nothing to him. Last time I was so upset, i took the car and drove off and he texted me ‘I love you more than anything, thats true. I dont know why I do that stupid shit, but trust me theres nothing wrong with you’.

    Anyways, he said he wants to stop doing that and he promised he will work on it, but no change. I packed my bags on Monday morning, left him a note that he hurt me and I cant do this anymore but that I do love him and I wish him the best. I left, he was still sleeping.

    I am on NC day 5 now. So far, he has called me about 6 times altogether. Day 1: He tried ‘to be nice’ to me, by saying he has some money and if i need any he can give me, I didnt respond. Also called me I didnt respond. Day 2: I posted on FB that I am sick and he said if I need anything to let him know. Day 3:He called me twice. I didnt respond of course. Then day 4, he said that I have his medical card and its in my bag and he needs to go to the hospital because he might of dislocaked his sholder.I didnt have the card actually, it was with him in the room in a very evident spot, so must be lying..I didnt respond to his text, then he called 3 times and then texted ‘Thanks I hope you are having a good time’…. My friend is in the same hostel with him and said hes always alone now and not very social like usual, just by himself on his phone and that he looks sad, but tries to hide it.

    Now today day 5.. he havent reached out to me yet. Maybe since its friday after he drinks tonight he will try again.. I dont know what to do, because he is all about challenge and competition as you mention. I think now hes in the angry phrase. Please tell me your thought and how long I should do NC for? Also I read the article but didnt undertsand when is that thought that they had ‘lost me forever’.. is that at the end of the NC..or in the I know when to act. Also, in the articles ‘the texts’ you show us are not visable.. I dont know why but I cant see them. Maybe you can email me the article and that would clear things up..Please let me know if I have a chance of getting him back. I know I left but I had no choice. I love him and we even talked about rings, future, kids..

    Thank you

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 13, 2018 at 2:16 am

      Hi Mel!

      Best to stay with your NC as planned. But give him a heads up that you are in a quiet period. You can say: “ I’m taking some time for myself to heal and take stock of things. Just wanted you to know why I won’t be available or communicating for some time. There are some exceptions when you can end things sooner. Take a look at pick up my 247 page eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book” as I cover all of this in detail!

  17. Avatar


    October 5, 2018 at 7:48 pm

    What if he knows you’re doing no contact because an idiot friend told him? By the way greattttt article.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 5, 2018 at 8:53 pm

      Hi Daisy!

      It doesn’t matter. He probably suspected it. He just doesn’t know quite how it will all unfold and the psychological principles can still put a grip on his mind.

  18. Avatar


    October 5, 2018 at 4:23 am

    Hi Chris,

    I’ve been in a relationship for a year, and has been broken up for 5 months. During that 5 months, my ex always come to me, chat me, and even drunk twice and come to see me.
    He said he scared he can’t get away from me.
    Actually I do no contact rule for now, and already in day 16th.
    He already send me a message once, but i ignore him.
    Do you think this NC will work?
    I do really wish able to get him back.

    Thank you 🙂

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 5, 2018 at 9:56 pm

      Hi NN!

      I do think NC holds promise. I talk about how NC can help you in so many ways and how to maximize its use in my eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book”. So take a look at that if you need a Companion Guide.

  19. Avatar


    September 17, 2018 at 9:56 am

    Hi, after two years of long distance relationship he broke up by ignoring me. I came to see him and he ignored me, and finally he said that he doesn’t want contact with me because he thinks that I manipulated him for two years and that this is it. I tried to contact him (calls, texts, WA,..he didn’t open even one text) next 10 or 15 days. He ignored me again. I stopped. Day 11 and I still didn’t contact him. What should I do? P.S.I’m 100% confused because I have never manipulated and I have no idea what’ş going on. We fight a lot during those two year but treatment like this I don’t understand. Couple of days before break up he said „I told you that I will never break up with you“ (I didn’t ask him even). Is it possible that this is just excuse and that he stopped because of something else? I still love him. What should I do? Thank you.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 17, 2018 at 9:24 pm

      Hi Helpless!

      So its time to stop being Helpless! I have a ton of resources here on the site that can help you. You should consider No Contact and focus on your on healing

  20. Avatar


    September 15, 2018 at 9:23 pm

    Hey Chris I have a pretty unique situation. Me and my ex were together for 6 years. We hardly fought about anything. 4 years ago his brother died and he changed a bit….a year after that he broke up with me then we got back together 2 months after. recently his other brother(only one left) committed suicide and immediately moved in with his mom and started to distant himself from me and eventually broke it off saying he couldn’t give me what I wanted and got the rest of his stuff from our place and took it to his moms. I’m devastated and confused. Everyone is! Even his friends. I just don’t know what to do or think anymore. What should I do?

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