So, you want to know exactly what your ex boyfriend is thinking about during the no contact rule, do ya?

I’ll admit that lately this has been a very popular topic for the Private Facebook Group.

You know, it’s been really amazing seeing hundreds of women communicate in our group about their breakups. I pick up on all sorts of perspectives that I never would have thought of by myself before.

For example, one of the things that has become clear is that men react very differently to the no contact rule.

One woman can use the no contact rule on her ex and get messages like this,

Where another woman can use it and get nothing from her ex.

But in my half decade of advising women on how to get their exes back there is one thing I have learned about the no contact rule that no one out there ever talks about. It isn’t so much the panicky text messages that you get from your ex during the no contact rule that matter it’s whats going on inside of that head of his!

That’s where this article is going to come into play.

I am going to tell you EXACTLY what’s going on inside of an ex boyfriends mind during the no contact rule by using facts… pure unadulterated facts.

Wait… How Are You Going To Use Facts?

The more and more I sit back and think about what I have over the rest of my competition out there it’s numbers and successes.

I am willing to pit my numbers, experience and successes over any one of my competitors out there.

What’s the big advantage here?

Well, since I have had so many success stories in my time here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery (and actually interviewed the women with them here, here and here) I have noticed something pretty darn cool. The women who get their exes back ask them about their time during the no contact rule so they gain the ultimate insight into what their men were actually thinking.

After they have gained that insight they actually report back to me (because they are happy they got him back.)

Do you see where I am going here?

I am going to piggyback off of the successful women who have heard what their exes are actually thinking during the no contact rule and let you in on all of the secrets.

In other words, you are going to get insight into your own man by hearing what real men are thinking during the no contact rule.

Oh, and since I am a man I am going to throw in a few of my very own insights.

Sound good?

Let’s begin!

Thought #1: She Has To Contact Me First

Out of all the thoughts I am going to let you in on today this is the one that resonates with me the most.


Well, I actually have personal experience with this.

This was the exact thought that I had during my very first breakup.

I literally remember thinking,

There is no way I am going to message here or think about talking to her. She is going to have to talk to me first.

And that’s exactly what happened.

She reached out to me first and it just fed into my ego that “I was winning the breakup.”

It wasn’t until later that I realized that me “winning” also meant that I had lost attraction for her.

You see, I am sure if you were to ask me while I was going through that breakup if I would ever consider taking her back I would have said yes.

In fact, I seem to recall a time where I literally thought to myself,

I bet if I really tried to get her back I could… But she’s going to have to contact me first.

And then it happened.

One day my phone buzzed…

I picked it up…

And lo and behold I got this text,

In that moment I truly felt like I could get her back whenever I wanted and in that moment I felt I had no desire to get her back anymore.


Well, there was no challenge to it.

Besides, we had a very tough relationship and it was just enough headwind to not make me take any action to rectify things.

Of course, this is a personal story from me. So, how do I know that this is a reaction other men will have outside of me?

Well, I’d like to turn your attention to “Kelly’s” ex boyfriend below,

A bit of background on this one.

Kelly is actually a part of our Private Facebook Group (which is actually offered to all of my one on one coaching clients for free) and she didn’t hear from her ex at all during the no contact rule. So, naturally she was wondering what he was thinking and I eventually told her the story I just told you.

This is what she had to say after she got him back and asked him what he was thinking,

I’m back with him because he said he was too stubborn but he had been waiting to hear from me and he missed me and he wanted it all to work out.

This is real proof.

Not just some story I made up.

This is a real reaction from a real man when the no contact rule is being done to him.

Thought #2: Why Isn’t She Contacting Me?

Close your eyes and imagine something for a minute for me.

You and your ex go through a really horrible breakup.

(Wait… that probably already happened.)

Anyways, you go through this really rough breakup and decide that you are going to do the no contact rule on him.

Of course, your ex is of the mind that the two of you should be “friends” so he reaches out a few days after the breakup with a text message like this,

Pretty basic message, right?

So, in his head he’s thinking that you are going to respond within a few minutes of him sending that text to you.

There’s just one little hiccup in his plan.

He doesn’t have the slightest idea that you are in the midst of a no contact period and when your response doesn’t come he starts to panic and sends something like this,

You see, he figures that if he acts caring towards you that you are going to break down and respond to him. Of course, since you are incredibly intelligent you decide to ride things out in the no contact rule by not responding to him.

Of course, when that happens he gets a little angry by the fact that you couldn’t acknowledge “how nice he was being to you.”

That’s when you start getting text messages like these,

Do you see the progression?

How it starts off innocent and then slowly but surely evolves into anger by the fact that you are ignoring him.

It’s at this point where one singular thought is going to dominate,

Wait… why isn’t she contacting me or responding?

Now, before I started down this path I made a solemn vow.

My Vow = Every thought that I claim a man has during the no contact rule has to be backed up by real reactions by real men.

Well, I’d like to introduce you to Kathy!

Kathy is one of the most active members in the Private Facebook Group which she got access to after purchasing my book and she’s obviously dead set on getting her ex back.

Would you like to see the results Kathy is getting with the no contact rule?

Well, this is a post she recently posted to the Facebook Group,

Now, here’s a bit of context.

Kathy has been in the no contact rule for about two weeks at this point and you can see how he’s totally breaking down by the fact that she isn’t responding to him,

  • She has gotten 8 phone calls from him
  • Out of those 8 phone calls he has left 4 voicemails
  • She has also gotten a lot of text messages scattered throughout the day

So, why would her ex boyfriend act this crazy?

Well, let’s think about things from his perspective for a moment.

During his relationship with Kathy the two of them got into a certain routine.

He would text her…

She would text him back…

He would text her back…

And so on and so forth.

Now, here is the crazy part. Kathy told me that this routine actually continued after the two of them broke up.

It’s really strange, I have never had a breakup like this before. It’s almost like we are still dating but without the “official title.”

It was at this point that we advised Kathy to enter into a no contact rule and that’s when the fireworks began.

You see, by implementing the no contact rule on her ex Kathy has essentially interrupted the pattern that he had grown so accustomed to.

Instead of having his normal responses he is literally sitting there thinking,

Why isn’t she responding to me?

And this singular thought is motivating him enough to try to do everything in his power to get her to respond.

Thought #3: She’s Not Reaching Out To Me… Good! I Wasn’t Going To Get Back With Her Anyways

For many of you this is your ultimate nightmare but I am going to show you something that is going to completely re-frame the way you look at a man who has this thought.

But before I do that let’s talk a little bit about the state of mind a man is in who is thinking this.

So, the complete thought is,

She’s not reaching out to me…. GOOD! I wasn’t going to get back with her anyways.

This almost has an immature tone to it, doesn’t it?

For example, because you ignored your ex he is going to say/think something to limit his potential future (being with you.)

In other words, it is a reaction to the fact that he isn’t getting his way.

Anger is what usually sparks these kind of thoughts.

Think back to your relationship now.



Are you there?



Ok, let me ask you a question.

Did your ex boyfriend ever say that he hated you or that the two of you would never be together again during your breakup?

Well, chances are that he said that during a moment of pure anger.

I mean, I don’t know many things that are as painful or angering as a breakup.

Do you?

Of course, when I try to explain to women that their ex boyfriends don’t necessarily mean what they are saying when they say they hate you, they are simply reacting to the emotions that they are feeling in that moment, it doesn’t seem to get through their heads.

Which is why I would like to introduce you to Sarah Michelle!

Now, Sarah Michelle has a bit of an interesting story.

You see, I first met Sarah Michelle on one of my Facebook Lives within the private facebook group which she got access to after purchasing my book.

(If you didn’t already know I do Facebook Lives in the group three days a week: Monday, Wednesday and Friday!)

At the time she asked her question I was really into watching another very popular “Sarah Michelle,”

Yep, Sarah Michelle Gellar (AKA: Buffy The Vampire Slayer.)

Now, if you are new to this site then one thing that you are going to learn about me very quickly is that there are two television shows that I love above all!

Show #1: Game of Thrones

Show #2: Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Anyways, I jokingly started referring to Sarah Michelle in the group as Buffy and the name kind of stuck.

Now, let’s fast forward a month to when we receive this fun little post in the group,

So, not only did she find a way to get her ex back but she is actually engaged to him know.

Buffy got game!

Now, you may be sitting there wondering,

Umm… What the hell does this even have to do with him saying that he isn’t interested in me?

Well, when I actually interviewed buffy about her success she said something that I thought was incredibly telling.

It was just so out of nowhere and I see all this girls on like the Facebook live, like their ex tells them, “I don’t love you anymore” like, “You’re too much” like, “We’re never going to be together again,” I heard all those things, all of them.

I heard every single one of those things come out of his mouth. When it came down to it, I found out he didn’t mean any of it, none of it. And I think that’s the hardest thing to comprehend, when you’re going through it because I feel a lot of the girls like in the Facebook page, all the guys say that and like when you hear it, like you just don’t understand at all.

Interesting, eh?

So, what Buffy is saying here is that her ex basically gave her all the common breakup excuses that you hear out there but when push came to shove she found out that he didn’t mean any of them.

And I have to say that this is a common trend I see time and time again.

So, while you may initially think it’s the end of the world if your ex has this thought that he isn’t going to take you back I am here to tell you that it’s not the end of the world.

Get the Fairy Tale Feeling Back Again With Our Step By Step Guide To Getting Your Ex Back

Learn More

Thought #4: I Am Going To Win This Breakup

I want to switch gears for a moment here and talk a little bit about thoughts I have had during my actual self imposed no contact rules during breakups.

You see, the way I figure it is that statistically speaking if I am having a thought during a no contact period other men are bound to have the same exact thoughts.

Sure, there may be a few exceptions here and there who don’t think the same ways that I do but generally speaking I serve as a pretty good litmus test.

Now, the thing you have to understand about me (and other men) is the fact that some of us like to view breakups as a competition.

Such a male thing to do… I know.

And like with any good competition there is a winner and a loser.

I think it’s important to define what the winner and the loser of a breakup are.

Winner = The person who makes their significant other fawn after them and regret their decision.

Loser = The person who fawns over their significant other and regrets their decision.

During my very first breakup I remember very clearly having this exact mindset.

I was going to do everything I possibly could to “win” the breakup or die trying.

Of course, that’s when an idea sparked in my head. Care to take a guess at what that idea was?

Go ahead and reference thought #1 in this article.




Done referencing?

That was my idea.

Isn’t it interesting how there is a strange synergy between thought #4 and thought #1.

If I hadn’t set out to “win the breakup” I wouldn’t have ever thought to “make her contact me first.”

Now, I am not one for making bold statements without having statistical proof to back them up. However, if I was a betting man I think I’d end up getting rich off of betting on the fact that most men will seek to “win the breakup” after they go through one. In fact, this is a concept that I am constantly trying to explain to my one on one coaching clients so that they fully understand the mindset of a man.

Now, you may be sitting there wondering,

Why the heck does this even matter?

Well, I think it’s important to understand this mindset because it will springboard a man to have so many other thoughts during the no contact rule.

Take my example above.

I probably wouldn’t have ever thought of waiting until my ex contacted me first if I wasn’t trying to “win the breakup.”

I mean, there are so many different analogies I can draw from to prove this point.

Take any professional athlete, a profession where you get paid based on your ability to compete.

These men and women will do anything to win at their sport.

Heck, some of them take it so seriously that they cheat by using PED’s like steroids.

The important thing to remember here is that competition drives them to do it.

And a man with the mindset that he is going to “win the breakup” is essentially turning things into a competition and that means you can expect some crazy behavior from him.

Keep that in mind!

Thought #5: I’ve Lost Her Forever

I want to save the best for last!

Out of every single thought I have mentioned in this article this is the thought that you absolutely want your ex boyfriend to have.

But more on that in a second.

Yesterday I was interviewing Anna from our Facebook group.

If you didn’t already know, Anna is one of our superstar members who got her ex back,

Anyways, Anna was nice enough to agree to an interview with me where I got to pick her brain about how she used my system to get her ex back.

And during this interview she said something that really fascinated me,

“You know Chris… I asked him that if I hadn’t of reached out to him after the no contact rule if we would still be together and he said no.”

Now, this fascinates me because this isn’t actually the first time I have heard this from a woman who has gotten her ex back.

In fact, I have been hearing variations of this type of response from ex boyfriends.

So, what does it mean?

Well, at the core it means that they had hit that point where they were wanting to hear from their exes (you) but had mentally prepared themselves to move on.

Now, maybe this isn’t a revolutionary insight but I actually think it is.

I mean, it’s at the point where your ex gives up on you that you can actually have a lot of success at shifting things in your favor.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that almost every success story that I have talked to in person has repeated this insight from their exes.

Now, why do you think that is?

Well, I think it has a lot to do with “the unexpected.”

Let’s take a walk around in your exes shoes for a minute.

So, your ex hits this point in his mind where he literally thinks to himself,

I have lost her forever…

Therefore his paradigm has shifted and he has literally convinced himself of this.


I think it’s important for me to remind you that you are in the midst of a no contact rule at this point.


After your no contact rule is finished you send your ex the following text message,

Now, this is completely unexpected to him.


Because he has literally convinced himself that he has no chance with you ever again and this text is a ray of hope.

In other words, it’s unexpected and that makes it even more powerful than it would have originally been.

485 thoughts on “Here’s Exactly What He’s Thinking During The No Contact Rule”

  1. Avatar


    August 18, 2019 at 1:51 pm

    i wasnt even official with my “ex” – we were seeing each other for almost 12 weeks. he had reservations, it started out as a FWB but then he said he was getting feelings and we weren’t going to be in that situation (FWB) forever. a few weeks later i said if you’re still unsure, i dont want to be with someone who is unsure. and he said he was still unsure and didnt see a future. i dont even think the NC will work here since we weren’t even together. i did really like him, though.

  2. Avatar


    August 14, 2019 at 1:50 am

    I started seeing a man I have known for years about 10 months ago. He had recently separated badly from a long time girlfriend who is also an acquaintance of mine so we thought it best to keep it on the downlow. In the beginning he was worried about what if it didn’t work between us and how would it effect our friendship. I told him there are no guarantees and that all I knew was I enjoyed spending time with him and that whatever happened happened. That I wasn’t going to over think it. The relationship has been wonderful but we only see each other 1 to 2 times a week because of our schedules…. Now 2 weeks ago he started talking about how he worries about us and what happens to our friendship if it doesn’t work out again. How he doesn’t want to hurt me. This his isn’t the first time we have discussed this…. I told him If he didn’t want to see me anymore all he needed to do is just say so. He came back with saying that he thinks we should be friends only. I told him I understand and reassured him that we would just go back to the way we were before. (we weren’t hang out, text, talk on the phone type friends) He got upset stating that he still wanted me to come over, hang out and text and talk just like we have been but he thought we shouldn’t have a sexual relationship. At this point I told him how I felt about him and told him I didn’t think I could handle that. He told me he refuses to lose me in his life. That he will not stop talking to me so that we would have to find a way to make it work because he wasn’t going to lose me. I have tried no contact but now he’s coming into the restaurant I work at once a week when he knows I’m working and talks to me until I talk back. Then hugs me before he leaves I am devestated as it is, I was hoping eventually in time he would get over his last relationship that ended so badly and we could then stop pretending to be just friends and sneeking around. I never pushed for a label or to move in, ect. I’m just so confused as to why he if he doesn’t want me he won’t just walk away. I miss him and his actions are killing me. Does he not understand how hard he is making this for me? Ihow do I do no contact if he keeps showing up?

  3. Avatar


    July 15, 2019 at 1:39 pm

    Hi Chris, would appreciate your help so much. I was recently in a relationship for 9 months with an older guy (7 year difference). He ended the relationship a month ago as the age difference was so big we agreed to keep the relationship a secret for a couple years. Well this prove to be difficult for him as he felt as though the relationship was a dirty secret. I was truly hurt by this as I didn’t see this breakup coming. I want him back so I am in the the no contact period (3 weeks) but he hasn’t reached out. I would just love your help on what to do after the 30 days no contact with still no reply as age is something I can’t change?

  4. Avatar


    June 6, 2019 at 3:52 pm

    My ex and I meant 2 years ago. We dated for 4 months before I moved across the world to New Zealand for a year. We made the long distance work for the year I was gone. It wasn’t always easy but we worked together to keep the feeling alive. Less than a month after I moved home he wanted to breakup. He said we were different people and that he didn’t see a future for us. Just over 2 weeks later he was messaging me. We hungout 4 times that week going on dates and we did sleep together. We talked about getting back together and he agreed to take things slow. The day after we agreed to be together he started to become very distant. I message him saying it was clear that he is still confused about what he wants and that he should take time to himself. That was 3 weeks ago. I heard from him randomly since but I officially started no contact a week ago. Do you think I damaged our relationship too much for no contact to work?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 6, 2019 at 10:04 pm

      Hi Marianne…I don’t think so. It well worth the effort. Check out my Program to learn how to do it best!

  5. Avatar


    June 3, 2019 at 12:51 pm

    Hi. I was with my ex for almost 7 years and we study together in same university same classes..3 Years ago our relationship started to be on and off. He said he had commitment issues and that we better be friends. I was afraid to loose him so I agreed. Sometimes it felt that nothing has changed and we didn’t tell anyone we broke up. He was there for me anytime I needed him. I was diagnosed with depression and he took care of me. But yet he didn’t want us to be gf/bf and as far as I know he hasn’t been dating but for I while I kept my distance bcuz we started to argue a lot and after a month we talked again and I found out he’s been fooling around w girls. Then when I talked about it he stopped but yet he said we r friends(actually friends with benefit).past couple of months we spent a lot of time together. He tell the girls that I’m his friend but he told his male friends that I’m still his gf. I didn’t get it and I didn’t ask I’m traveling for 2 months to visit my family and we had argument and he said he might want to date or he might be dating and I shud give him space. Idk what to do and I don’t want him to be with other girls.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 3, 2019 at 3:19 pm

      I do think giving him some space is probably the right medicine. Sometimes guys don’t know what they have until its missing in their life.

  6. Avatar


    May 21, 2019 at 12:52 pm

    Hi, after dating him for 5 months and he kept on telling me hes broken from his previous relationship I gave him a chance but he never used to spend most of his time with me only there and there, and the time we spend together was so special and it felt so real and he made me to love again after a long time and we had lot of argument because of his behavior of not wanting to be with me, and suddenly he said he wants break and he told me he loves me its only he needed to sort out his life, I am not coping well with the break at all and it is so hard to live without him as I was used to him and I am doing the NC method but it is really killing me inside

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 21, 2019 at 3:46 pm

      HI Irine….NC can be the right medicine. Check out my Program (EBR PRO Bundle) because it has all the tools to help you with coping better and give you the insights you need to get thru this

  7. Avatar


    May 18, 2019 at 2:58 pm

    My boyf and I broke up the second time. Our love is still there for each other, but he broke up with me because we argued too much. Is it possible to get back with an ex the second/third time? He blocked me on Instagram, doesn’t seem like he’s using his Snapchat, and has not yet blocked my number (partial block). He believes that we will never get back together. I told him that i know were able to fix things, the only thing we kept lacking was communication. We both go to different colleges, and he told me that he doesn’t want to deal with our problems while in school. I love him so much, and I’m extremely scared of losing him. I am planning to do the NC rule, but he’s stubborn and I feel like he wouldn’t even care if I do so. Do you think that the NC rule might help? Is there a chance of us being together again?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 18, 2019 at 11:06 pm

      Hi Khristine….so I do think NC can be of a lot of help in many way. Its important you understand how it works…all its elements, etc. So feel free to take a look at my EBR Bundle Program!

  8. Avatar


    May 17, 2019 at 11:41 am

    Hi Chris,
    I recently split up with my long distance boyfriend after we dated almost 7 months (4 months officially together). We were friends for seven years before we started dating and we always talk about everything. Our time as a couple was really beautiful, we tried to switch our turn to see each other (2 hrs driving) and we usually spent two-3 days together every time. At the end of the last month we started to discuss about silly things and he said I have no respect of him at all which is not true. I frequently asked him about it but he didn’t give me an answer. The last time we saw each other, we talk about our problems and we start d to kiss and hugs. I express my feelings for him (not the first time for both) and he said nothing. Then I asked him to leave, he stopped and asked me lot of times if I meant it. I said yes but while he was going I tried to stop him. He said this was a test and that we should break up. I cried and begged him. I made him stay but he was really angry and said it was a mistake. So I really asked him to leave again but he said he want to be with me again. I said no. Making a long story short, the conversation lasted for six hours and we change our mind multiple times. He said first break up, the try again, at the end he said he need a pause to understand his feelings and that one week was enough. That I’m really important, that he cares about me etc. He left me and I tried call him twice (no answer) and texted him after a couple of days if he was okay (he replied so and so). After two days I texted him again asking how he was but no answer. So I started the NC rule. Do u think I still have chances? He was pretty confused during our last argument and quite angry, he came to make peace and we needed up breaking up. What do u think? Thank u in advance

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 17, 2019 at 4:33 pm

      Hi Giulia…so yes, NC can do many things for you both in the healing departments as well as enhancing the attraction over time.

  9. Avatar


    May 15, 2019 at 8:47 pm

    Thanks a lot for the insight Chris..My boy friend and I were chatting on whatsapp when we had a small miscommunication, the chat ended with a bye from his side after which his internet was disconnected .I further sent some messages which got delivered few hours later, read by him.Instanly after reading the messages(normal message in which I told him I wanna tell something special to him)he blocked me on whatsapp.2 days later he unbocked me(no other communcation during these 2 days).I tried to send him few hi hello how are you type messages for few days after being unblocked, but no response.I decided to give him space. Today is the 6th day of no contact, but this is killing me.I am not even sure what he was thinking while he blocked me initially.Really need some valuable inputs from your side.Appreciate any response from you.

  10. Avatar


    May 13, 2019 at 5:25 pm

    Please stop using the word “Anyways”. Because it’s not a word. It’s “Anyway”. ANYWAY. Seriously, NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD reading it with the “s” on the end.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 13, 2019 at 9:19 pm

      Sorry Kate if the use of the word “anyways” bothers you. I agree its a nonstandard, slang use of the word “anyway”. My readership talk in all kinds of ways, so I sometimes take liberty in using non standard words.

  11. Avatar

    Violet Colavito

    May 7, 2019 at 3:49 pm

    Hi Chris,

    My boyfriend of over 3 years recently broke up with me. He said he had been unhappy for awhile but he kept staying. When he said he wanted to move out, he told me that he was not in any hurry to get married. I never put any pressure for that to happen. We did a lot of fun things together. Then in the process of moving out, he would bring me food and watch movies with me. At first, I did text him but I have started no contact and am hoping he will realize that he does miss me in time.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 7, 2019 at 7:57 pm

      Sounds like you would benefit from having a sensible ex recovery plan and that is what my website and Program is about. Consider picking up my Pro Bundle as there is much to do in the weeks to come.

  12. Avatar


    April 13, 2019 at 11:51 am

    My husband and I have only been married 12 months. We have children to previous partners and no children together. In our relationship we have had so many external factors impact us (court, exes, blending the family etc…) In December everything came to a head as it was all too much and we both weren’t in good headspaces because of everything… He moved out with the intention of staying with his parents for a bit to clear our heads… a month later he ended up cheating on me. He told me straight away and we began counseling. He has been very up and down, his parents home is a toxic environment and he is very easily manipulated by his parents.

    I’ve now moved out of the house with my child and he is living full-time at his parents. The communication has all been me essentially, he does respond, we barely see each other and he says one thing but does the opposite.

    I have asked him multiple times flat out does he want to break up? He can go be single and I’ll walk away. He says no he wants to be married to me, he loves me, he will do this this and this to make it work and fight. But then does nothing. It’s very conflicting and I am being left in limbo and don’t understand why.

    We are married and when we are together the love is there and it seems genuine but as soon as we are apart and he returns to that house it changes.

    I love the man I married and fell in love with, the things he has done the past 4 months isnt that man and he would be ashamed of who he is now. I don’t want to walk away from my marriage but I have nothing left to give as I have tried.

    I haven’t contacted him since Thursday and he hasn’t made any contact. I just feel lost and confused. As I said he is saying he wants to be with me but his actions contradict that but when I try to end it he won’t, says he loves me, wants to be married to me and will fight but does nothing.

    Any advice on what to do, why he is doing this and how to move forward? It’s not only hurting me but my child who he has raised her whole life that misses her dad.

    I want to be with him, I don’t feel like it’s over but am in limbo and we are both in No Contact. I just don’t understand what he is trying to achieve, end it or make it work.

  13. Avatar

    Amanda Benn

    April 12, 2019 at 2:40 pm

    Hi Chris, I’ve been with my ex 13 years we’ve now been seperated 6 months there was lots of issue but also good to, long story short I had an affair there was reason for my doing it was wrong and ended in a baby unfortunately we have already one child together, we are married and have been for 5 years since he moved he’s been self destructive alcohol drugs those kinds of things, it’s a very big process we both played a part in the failure and where we have got to right now, I was honest and open about it all and have tried to get forgiveness he’s back and forward in his decisions, he comes to my house and we are intimate and then a few days later he goes cold and says he can’t do it what do I do ????? Then a week or so later he’s messaging or coming up with excuses to contact to do with our daughter he’s told me over and over move on and he is trying but then says something different again the next week???

  14. Avatar


    April 10, 2019 at 5:54 am

    Hi Chris,

    There’s a guy that I knew for about 8 years now but we were friends for the first 6 years and then we decided to be more than that in 2017. It was great when we first started talking until one of his friends lied on me and told him I was sleeping with someone that I truly had no contact with at all. I noticed the change in his behavior and we were arguing a lot. Besides that I was angry at him for something that is too long for me to explain. I decided to cut him off and I didn’t speak to him until maybe April of 2018. It hurt me to have to let him go, but it hurt me even more waiting for him to show me that he cares about me. When we started speaking again he admitted to me that he was hurt by what his friend told him and then I got to explain to him that it was a lie. I had a lot going on at the time so I would always disappear on him or promise that I would see him but never end up going. Eventually, I went to see him and everything was fine. Now this is when it gets bad …. I found out that he slept with a girl about 2 weeks after seeing me and I was HURT. We have so much history together especially since we were close friends before all of this so I expected him to have a certain amount of respect for me. He lied for weeks about it and even though deep down I knew the truth a part of me just wanted us to be on good terms so I got over it. I use that term loosely because I didn’t really get over it since I would bring it up every chance I got. He claims he did it because he thought that I was going to disappear on him again and not speak to him. ( Him and that girl stopped speaking the morning after he slept with her) Things were going great we were speaking non stop and he always wanted to see me. Like I said I COULD NOT GET OVER WHAT HE DID! I’m a Scorpio so it’s extremely hard for me to forgive someone for hurting me even when I want them in my life. He would get annoyed because I would bring it up and one day we got into a really intense argument and when we made up I promised I would let it go. Now before we made up he deleted me off of snapchat ( I was so mad he deleted me and I’m pretty sure he realized how important having him on social media was to me so he can use that to his advantage even though he stalks me on there and is always the first person to view my stuff no matter what time I post it) and when he added me back I realized he didn’t post anything so the psychopath in me decided to watch his snap points. If they went up that means he was blocking his posts from me. Low and behold I caught him hiding them from me and he lied about it first but when I got really angry he admitted that he didn’t want me to take little memes he posted the wrong way ( I admit that I cursed him out that day about something he posted). He ended up unblocking me from not seeing them being that he did that I COULDN’T TRUST HIM EVEN MORE! So yes I admit that I would accuse him of hiding them from me when it turned out that he wasn’t. ( if you’re in streaks or send a vid/pic to someone your snap points go up) At this point I know deep down he’s getting frustrated because we would be good and then I’ll get mad at him or have an attitude because I think he’s being sneaky. I wrote him a long essay expressing my feelings and he wrote me a long one back in return expressing his and it actually made us closer. One day last week I reposted something that a girl that we both know had posted on Snapchat. It was something that related to him pissing me off at the moment. He commented it and made a remark about her being a whore and that’s the wrong person I should be taking advice from. I told him he probably slept with her and he said he never did so I let it go but it was noted in the back of my mind. Now Chris… listen to how I feel about this situation… back in 2017 he used to hang out with a guy that was also friends with that girl. One day I seen her post a pic of him but she made it seem like it was friendly. I was always suspicious but I didn’t make it a big deal. Anyway, on sat I saw his snap points go up 6 points but he had only posted one thing so I instantly became infuriated and before I wrote him I wrote that girl and asked her to watch his snaps and tell me if he has more than just what I could see posted and she said no it’s only that one post. THIS IS WHERE IT GETS ANNOYING! She ends up asking me if me and him have relations so being the sneaky Scorpio I am I made it seem like we didn’t and that I was considering giving him a chance but first I wanted her to tell me if there was something I needed to know about them. She then tells me that he wanted to sleep with her I guess back in 2017 but she just wanted to keep him as a friend so she didn’t. I know they don’t speak because when I sent her to tell me what he posted she asked me what his snap name was which meant she forgot she even had him as a friend on there. I WAS SO ANGRY BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE THE FACT THAT HE COMMENTED SOMETHING I REPOSTED OF HERS TALKING SHIT ABOUT HER MEANS HE’S SALTY THAT SHE DIDN’T SLEEP WITH HIM. It hurt my feelings because it’s like why even bring attention to a girl that you know you wanted to sleep with and you know I’m a psycho. I sort of cursed him out and when he responded I left him there. At about 4 in the morning he texted me a little paragraph stating he wishes the best for me blah blah but he thinks it’s best to leave me alone blah blah he’s going to delete my number and delete me off Snapchat. I was sleeping so I didn’t respond until the morning and then he ended up blocking my number and me off of every social media. My heart was aching and I called him 42 times CRAZY I KNOW * pouts in embarrassment * he was really angry tho and refused to talk to me and told a friend that he’s done and I’m annoying and he can’t take it. I decided to write him from my friends phone one last time asking if he wanted me to move on and he said yes and I never responded. He’s been this angry and said those words before and we got back together but I refuse to be indenial and automatically assume that he’s not serious this time since he has never blocked me on ever social network. ( besides Instagram that we never had each other on before but he told me he tried stalking me on day while I wasn’t speaking to him but he couldn’t find me and when he asked to add me I declined it because I knew seeing him like stuff would piss me off ) I admit that I pushed him away but I feel like since he’s the one that hurt me he needs to suffer through my feelings and allow me to trust him again over time. I know he has real feelings for me but Idk if his pride is stronger than his feelings. Deep down I’m still mad at him for a lot of things he did but I love him to much to let him go or watch him be with someone else. I want to be able to trust him but I needed him to try harder but instead he couldn’t take the pressure and walked away. We always make up whether it months or weeks down the line but like I said idk how he feels this time. We got closer than we’ve ever been so at some point I know he’s going to be thinking about me a lot. Plus I bought the things he uses to exercise with daily so I know that’s a reminder. Tonight around 11:15 ( the time that he knows I’m out of work for sure by ) I got a call from a private caller and after about 3 times of me saying hello they hung up but I heard noise in the background at first and then it went silent as if the person were to mute the phone once they realized I said hello the first time. I think it was him in my heart but I’m not sure. I miss him so much it’s killing me even though a part of me hates him and does want to let him go since he’s a coward. I just need to comfort of knowing he tried to come back though. What’s your feedback?

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    April 8, 2019 at 2:50 pm

    Hey I’m Jaz’mine I really loved your insight. I broke with my ex for cheated, he calls, he texts, I don’t reply I miss him dearly what should I do. Lol how long is this no contact rule.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 8, 2019 at 10:40 pm

      Hi Jazmine…so the NC Rule period can range 21-45 days on average, but its fairly adaptable given each situation

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    March 28, 2019 at 6:45 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I have been reading a lot of your articles the last week. My boyfriend, ex boyfriend and I just split up. We had been together over a year and were so happy so this came out of no where. He had just bought a business and was in a very stressful time crunch to get it open with his partners. I recognize that he had a lot on his plate. We got in an argument one night and then things went quickly downhill. A little back story, our schedules were opposite and that was kind of the route of the argument/I wasn’t in a great place mentally and needed a little support that day. I apologized the next day, said I felt vulnerable in the moment but that I understood he needed to focus on the business and I supported him fully and I was looking forward to celebrating his success from him. He said “Thank you, b” (B was my nickname from him).

    What happened over the next few days was weird I gave him some space, but he seemed to keep pulling away, by Wednesday morning I sent him a message just saying “I am doing my best to give you the space you need right now to focus on this bar, but please don’t decide to end things prior to us getting to talk.” So he made time that day. He had multiple reasons, none of which really came full circle to me….

    In our talk he said that our schedules continued to grow apart and that he didn’t foresee a future where we wouldn’t have an issue with that, he said that he was selfish, and an asshole and that he didn’t think he had the emotional capacity to be with anyone ever. He said he only wanted to focus on his career.

    This doesn’t add up to me, he was an incredibly affectionate man, who told me how safe he felt with me, who was always telling me how he wanted to make me proud, who would make eye contact me across the room at a party and mouth “i love you”….

    We have currently been in NC for nine days and I want to get him back….please help!!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      March 28, 2019 at 11:20 pm

      Hi Bree…So I agree that NC is the right direction for our situation. I hope you are tracking with my Program and feel free to tap into all the resources I offer on my website!

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    March 26, 2019 at 10:38 pm

    Hey Chris,

    I’m reaching out to you because I simply have no one else to ask. I moved away from family/friends with my 2 children to be with my boyfriend then fiancé, with been together for 6 years and were due to marry this summer. When we would have a disagreement he would go off for days to his parents and basically ghost me for days sometimes even week then he’d return and apologise, I’d always accept him back. During the Christmas period we had a minor disagreement, I knew he was stressed with work (sales environment) and believe he took this out on me. He never seem able to have a simple disagreement then make up as normal couples would do, and would aleays leave saying we were over and ghost me again. This past January was much worse as he actually cancelled our wedding, we’ve lost a huge amount of money, but most of all I’m devaststed, I’ve not told my family or friends because I moved here away from them to be with him. I tried speaking with him, not begging but I was upset, this continued for a few days (he had to answer his parents landline) so couldn’t ghost me. After searching for advice on how to cope with the devastation I cane across your advice and the No Contact rule which I have implemented, purely for my own sanity.. after just over 2 weeks I received the first, how are you text, followed by the reaching out text then 3 calls and then I hope your ok! I didn’t pick up or reply to any of the messages as I was following the No Contact rule, he’s not been I touch again for a week now. I do love and miss him but to be perfectly honest, I’m devastated that he could actually call our wedding off out of anger, his family and friends now know but I’ve not summoned up the courage to tell my family or friends because I’m so upset. What I’m asking advice for is, should I ever take him back, is the ghosting behaviour normal, what should I do if he texts again? Can anyone really get over having their wedding cancelled? I would sincerely appreciate your advice since Ive no one else at this time to ask.

  18. Avatar


    March 17, 2019 at 6:40 pm

    Hello, I’m in a sad situation right now. My boyfriend and I were together on and off for 18 months. We were happy but had communication issues.

    My boyfriend and I broke up last May after being together for 7 months, but never really broke up; carried on seeing each other almost every day, he moved back in and we continued to act like a couple. He said he wasn’t sure if he wanted us to be together again. We got back together officially in September and then on a holiday in December he broke up with me again. He said he was hoping to see improvement in my approach to life but nothing had changed. I’ve had depression on and off for a few years so at times I’ve not been the greatest to be around and he often said he was tired of dealing with my emotions. I’ve often felt he hadn’t been as affectionate and supportive as he could have been and got upset at him about it and then we would argue. He said he felt I wasn’t making an effort to improve my life. But I’ve been trying so hard. He got angry at me yesterday and said I wouldn’t realise I needed to make changes until I’d lost everything and that I’m certainly not changing wih him being here.

    We carried on living together after the break up in December but not sleeping together apart from twice as he said he wasnt sexually attracted to me anymore. Then he said it just doesn’t feel right being intimate with me. He has told me he no longer loves me and doesn’t see us getting back together as he wants to be alone. But we have carried on having emotional intimacy and he said he thinks the world of me and wants the best for me, we laugh and joke and talk, we support each other in our daily routine and often spend our spare time together. He even talks about us going away with the dog on a bus we were converting to travel on. I was going to take him away in May for his birthday and he has spoken about my birthday in August. He knows how much I love him and we have argued because I am resentful that he doesn’t love me.

    He told me he was only staying to make sure I’m okay financially which I assured him he didn’t need to worry about. Then he said he was staying so I wouldn’t be alone and I said I’ll survive without him and then he said he just likes living here but doesn’t want to argue. He said when the bus is ready he will be leaving as he will be travelling on it.

    I feel like my life is in a good place now as I’ve just got a new job that I enjoy, I’m enjoying my social life and I have plans for the future. I’ve completed therapy and I’ve reduced my dosage of antidepressant. The only thing dragging me down is this situation.

    I asked him to leave yesterday and he moved out today. He started getting messages from women he says are his friends from travelling and are overseas. He said one of them was over here on business and he was going to meet her today, I was a little concerned but then was like whatever it’s his friend. But then saw a message with her giving him the name of her hotel and this just made me suspicious and my heart sunk. He said nothing would happen as it’s weird for him to be living here and sleep with someone else, that they are friends and then that even if he did want to do something, we aren’t together. When he left we were amicable and he asked to kiss me but I said no, then he asked to kiss my cheek and I let him. He said he’ll see me soon but I didn’t respond.

    Is it too late for the no contact rule to work? Is it over for good? I want time alone and space away from him to gain perspective and build myself up again, but maybe we could come back together after some space and realisation and I just want to know if that’s possible. I hope he doesn’t sleep with this woman today but I think he will.

    Thank you x

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    March 10, 2019 at 6:32 pm

    Hi there Chris

    I need your advice! 5 year relationship that he ended. We clash alot but the love and intimacy is only what I can describe as amazing. I’ve taken alot of responsibility for the problems and by text have tried to tell him after 2 months not seeing him I’ve changed. He doesn’t believe me and I cannot show him unless he tries. I’ve tried no contact and a fewctjmes he’s reached out. Now he’s ignoring me (as I stated I met a make friend) – stupidly. I’m back in no contact as I was getting no reply. How do i prove I’ve changed if he won’t let me or denies I have? It’s do hard and although I’m moving on slowly o just wish we could get to point I could show him. X

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      March 10, 2019 at 9:28 pm

      Hi Jenny! So 5 years is meaningful in that roots get laid down and that traction can play a role in recovery. So its happens sometimes that we can’t resist contacting our ex, only to see our progress slide back or show little improvement. Better to do it fully to allow it to help you in both the healing department as well as improve your chances with your ex. Go pick up my eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” as its epic in length and will help you through all of this.

  20. Avatar

    sabrina Collins

    February 28, 2019 at 8:26 pm

    Hi Chris,
    I was with my ex for 17 years. We have a house together and two dogs. I moved overseas and he stayed at home. The agreement was he would follow me over once he sold the house. He made several excuses not to sell the house, so I felt no other option but to end the relationship with him as waiting for him become too painful and distracting for me. He wasn’t very open or honest during the build-up to me moving overseas, I started to doubt everything he would say about moving. (He didn’t show any signs of excitement and wasn’t displaying big gestures of affection either.)

    Since the breakup last November, we’ve been messaging each other almost daily, although he insists that I must contact him first! However, he denies that he wants to get back together and insists he’s just being supportive towards me when I text or call him but he never fails to answer my calls. He’s not dating anyone yet either and tells me that he’s not ready to date anyone either. He tells me that he doesn’t want to be with me and I can remove him off my visa which would definitely mean it’s over. He doesn’t show any signs of regret or even much emotion about us ending.

    The whole situation is a total mess. Before starting the NC 5 days ago, I became very irrational saying things like, ‘I regret the day I met you’ etc. I would then apologise and tell him how much I missed him. I totally lost control of my emotions because I felt like it was all too much to handle. I felt no other choice but to give him space and protect my sanity by using the NC rule.

    What do you think my chances are of a reconciliation? How much time do you think I should give to the NC rule? Do you think I should make a trip overseas to visit home as I still have all my belongings over there? Last time we saw each other in person was at the airport over 6 months ago.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 28, 2019 at 11:53 pm

      HI Sabrina….so 17 years is a good deal of time in which traction gets a grip and roots get laid down, so that couple play a role in pulling you both back into each other orbit…its referred to as lingering attachment. But beyond that, yes, NC is a worthwhile strategy going forward. You should take a look at my eptic 485 page eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” as it can dive into more of the details than I can here with the limited time I have. NC periods range from 21-45 days, but it varies for everyone depending on a lot of factors and sometimes exceptions can be made along the way or ending it earlier depending on his behavior. BUT NC is much more than just an effort to get your ex back…its about your healing and recovery and having time to regain your emotional balance so as to evaluate what is in your best interest. I cover much of this in an specialized eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book”. So lots of resources to consider.

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