By Chris Seiter

Updated on June 9th, 2021

This guide will help you learn the things you should NEVER say to your ex.

The best part?

Everything that I list here is based in reality from real people that have failed to get their ex back.

(In other words, I’m giving you a list of what NOT to say to your ex if you want them back.)

So, without further ado, let’s get started.

8 Things You Should Never Say To Your Ex

In all, I have surfaced 8 things that you should never talk to your ex about. As stated above, these 8 things are taken from real life situations that I’ve seen firsthand from clients, in our private facebook group and in the comments of this website.

  1. Begging Them Back
  2. Don’t Talk About Your Past Relationship
  3. I Love You
  4. Happy Birthday (During No Contact)
  5. Anything That Is Said Out Of Anger
  6. Saying You Are Depressed Without Them
  7. Telling Them The Breakup Was Their Fault
  8. Asking Them To “Do It” One More Time

One fact I’ve learned over the years is that the devil is truly in the details. Most people will look at my list and then move on with their lives. Looking and knowing isn’t the same thing as understanding.

So, here’s my recommendation to you.

Stick around and read this article in it’s entirety so that you fully understand everything about these things.

Let’s begin!

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Thing #1: Begging For Them Back

Lately I’ve been going on tirades about the fact that getting an ex back is really encompassed by two key concepts,

  1. Timing
  2. Positioning

They work together in unison creating the perfect circumstances for reconnection.

Here’s the problem, usually when people fail to get their exes back they don’t do a great job with either of these things. They either start making moves too soon or they start making moves when they haven’t done anything to position themselves ideally.

This is important to understand because there is never a circumstance where you should beg for your ex back. Also, from a positioning perspective there’s nothing worse you could do to lose any leverage you have built.

Trying to convince your ex that things will be different this time around is a mistake because it draws a clear line in the sand for your ex.

They will know that you are deeply in love with them still and thus, you are positioned beneath them in their mind.

Look at it like this,

Do you see how by begging for your ex back you relinquish any power you have because it creates a perception that your ex can have you whenever they want.

People want what they can’t have.

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Don’t beg…

I’m begging you 😉 .

Thing #2: Don’t Talk About Your Past Relationship

It’s a mistake to talk about your past relationship with your ex because you don’t have discipline.

Don’t take offense to that.

It’s just that I’ve been doing this for a very long time and one thing I’ve learned from coaching with hundreds of clients is that people struggle with not bringing up the breakup to their ex.

It makes sense.

Human beings have this incessant need to close open loops. We seek resolution to our problems and in a way bringing up your relationship with your ex is an attempt to seek that resolution.

Here’s the problem.

By doing so, you are essentially opening pandoras box and you are forcing your ex to confront the reality of the situation that you are broken up.

Look at it like this,

By talking about your past relationship you are forcing your ex to remember a past that didn’t end well for you. I often talk about how getting an ex back happens in your exes mind when they are left alone.

Well, what happens if you bring up your past relationship and all of the reasons the two of you broke up are reinforced?

Here’s a hint, it’s not going to end well.

Thing #3: I Love You (When The Timing Isn’t Right)

A few days ago I actually did a video covering this exact topic,

In it I concluded that it’s ok to tell your ex that you love them but only when the timing is right.

There’s that word again, timing.

And if timing is involved then positioning isn’t far behind.

Let me ask you a question.

Out of these two exes which one do you think is going to be more receptive towards their partner telling them that they love them?

“Ex A” is probably going to be more receptive towards someone saying “I love you.”

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But why?

Well, it’s because a proper foundation has been built for that ex to be more receptive towards it.

You don’t just go up to a stranger and say “I love you” to them, right? No, you typically go through a courtship process to ensure that the person you are saying it to is going to be receptive towards it.

This is no different.

Thing #4: Telling Your Ex Happy Birthday During No Contact

This is my nemesis.

The bane of my existence.

It’s the one question I get asked all the time and no matter how many times I answer it. It just seems to keep cropping up.

Over the years I’ve found more clever ways of answering it but the answer still remains the same.

Do not break the no contact rule to wish your ex a happy birthday.

Now, before you get out your pitchforks let me explain my reasoning.

When someone wishes you a happy birthday what is the typical response?

It’s typically, “thanks,” right?

Why people expect to get anything back from their ex other than a one word response alludes me.

Breaking the no contact rule for a one word response isn’t worth it.

The opportunity cost simply isn’t there for me to ever recommend it.

Thing #5: Anything That Is Said Out Of Anger

What’s that old phrase?

When emotions run high, logic runs low

Aint that the truth!

If your end goal throughout this process is to win your ex back then the worst thing you can do is reinforce any doubts they may be having by starting a fight with them.

When you chart out your basic chances with your ex it’ll look something like this,

Notice how it plateaus in the middle and then becomes less and less after a certain point.

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That plateau is ideally where you’d want to strike.

Here’s the problem with being too angry at your ex.

You’ll actually never reach that plateau,

It’s not exactly helping your chances by getting angry now is it?

Thing #6: You Tell Your Ex That You Are Depressed Without Them

Depression is something that we don’t joke about here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery. In fact, we have many protocols in place to help people deal with it. Many of which include getting a therapist involved or someone who specializes in depression.

However, I feel I would be doing you a disservice if I didn’t tell you how your depressed state affected your ex.

A lot of my clients falsely believe that their ex wants to take care of them.

They think if they open up and tell them how they are feeling the ex will magically do a 180 and start wanting to take care of them.

Reality doesn’t work that way.

In fact, in many cases coming off too sad or depressed might be the very thing that pushes them further away.

Not much more to unpack here so let’s just move on.

Thing #7: Telling Them The Breakup Was Their Fault

Have you ever read or seen the count of monte cristo?

I’m a big fan!

The premise is pretty simple,

A mans best friend betrays him, has him thrown in jail, marries the woman he was supposed to marry and it follows this man as he plots an epic revenge.

He does this by getting super rich and just being awesome in general,

It remains one of my favorite books/movies of all time because it taps into something primal.

The need to wrong those who have wronged us.

And now we arrive at my point.

By taking the stance that your ex is at fault for the entirety of the breakup you are positioning yourself as your exes enemy.

Human beings don’t take too kindly to enemies last time I checked.

In fact, we can hold grudges for a very long time.

Thing #8: Asking Them To “Do It” One Last Time

Let’s hook up…

The three most dangerous words for getting an ex back.

I can’t tell you how many of my customers come to me and tell me that they accidentally slept with their ex.

“What should I do next” they ask me.

“My ex won’t contact me anymore…”

This is actually something I see a lot of with my female clients. Their ex says all of these nice things and beds them only to disappear the next day. It sounds like something out of hollywood but I assure you it’s not.

The other side of that coin is that the ex only wants to be friends with benefits.

You essentially get stuck in this scenario where an ex will never commit.

Don’t sleep with your ex folks, it won’t end well.

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2 thoughts on “Things You Should Never Say To Your Ex”

  1. Vicky

    June 14, 2020 at 3:59 pm

    Hey, thanks for the article first of all. I would like to ask if I SHOULD NOT wish a happy birthday even if we decided to remain friends (though we have not been talking for a week or more).

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 14, 2020 at 9:04 pm

      Hi Vicky, if you are following a No Contact, no you should not send a birthday text