I’ve written a lot about the no contact rule on this site.

  • I wrote about what it is here.
  • I wrote about what men are thinking about during it here.
  • Heck, I have even written a book about how it fits in, in the entire “ex back” process here.

Unfortunately, one thing that I have never done is write about what men are thinking AFTER the no contact rule.

A few days ago one of my coaching clients contacted me with an interesting request.

She basically told me that most of the women who implement the no contact rule end up contacting their exes first after the no contact rule is over. For example, lets say that you were to use the no contact rule on your ex boyfriend for 30 days.

Well, at the end of that 30 days you would end up contacting your ex boyfriend to start the “get your ex back” process. Well, this woman was curious as to what was going on in the mind of a man AFTER the no contact rule had already be implemented.

In other words, what would your ex boyfriend be thinking after you had successfully performed the no contact rule on him?

Well, that is what this page is going to explore.

We Are Going To Make An Assumption

As you know, Ex Boyfriend Recovery and the no contact rule have become very closely associated with one another.

That is because getting your ex boyfriend back can sometimes rely pretty heavily on the no contact rule.

So, as I explained above, this page is going to focus on what is going on in your exes mind after you implement the no contact rule. Well, this is where I need to make one thing clear. In order for this page to make sense we are going to have to make an assumption.

The Assumption- That you have successfully completed a 30 day no contact rule on your ex boyfriend.

Would you like to know why it is important that we make this assumption?

Imagine for a moment that you had attempted the 30 day no contact rule and failed at it.

Lets say you only lasted something like a week.

Well, a one week no contact rule isn’t going to have the same affect that a four week no contact rule will have.

In other words, what a man will think after a failed no contact rule will be different than what he is going to be thinking during a successful one and since we are all positive thinkers here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery we are going to just focus on the successful no contact rule.

Now, I know a lot of you reading this page probably haven’t even finished your no contact yet and that is ok. Really what I want this page to be for you is a “what to expect” type page when you do successfully get through your no contact rule.

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The Five Things Men Will Think AFTER No Contact

I am a man so you know for a fact that I can bring you some very valuable insight when it comes to what men are thinking before, during and after no contact. Now, I will be the first to admit that no woman has ever done a 30 day no contact rule on me but I have been on the receiving end of a half day, day and three day no contact rule and let me tell you that it drove me absolutely crazy.

In this section I am going to be talking about some of the thoughts that your ex boyfriend might potentially have after the no contact rule assuming that you completed a 30 day rule on him.

But just a reminder, if you want the most comprehensive resource out there on the No Contact Principle, then go pick up a copy of my popular eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book”.

I have pinpointed the top five things that he will be thinking and as always I will be covering each of these things in a very in-depth manner.

Oh, you probably want to know the things that your ex would be thinking don’t you?

  1. What A Bi&*h
  2. Why Didn’t She Respond To Me
  3. She Must Be Disinterested In Me
  4. Was She Playing Games?
  5. Extreme Guilt

Lets take a moment to look at all of these thoughts.

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1 – What A Bi&*h

When I wrote Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO a few years ago and I told people that using a no contact rule on an ex might make an ex think negative thoughts about them they always seem to get upset and think the strategy doesn’t work.

I actually don’t even blame them for getting upset either.

After all, the no contact rule is supposed to help reunite a happy couple. Not make one member think the other is a total bit*h.

But lets take a step back and really take a look at what is going on in your exes head and probably the best way to do that is to give you a real life example.

When I was in college I was friends with this guy who was literally head over heels for this girl. Well, he ended up taking this girl on one date and he thought that the date went pretty well. I remember as clear as yesterday him saying that he thinks that this girl was “the one.”

Yes, after just one date he said this to me.

Unfortunately for him, “the one” didn’t really think the same thing he did as she didn’t think the date went well at all. So, she decided to get rid of him the only way she knew how without hurting his feelings, ignoring him.

The more she ignored him the angrier he got and the angrier he got, the more he called her a bit*h.

Here is the funniest part though, despite calling her all those names behind her back he was very persistent in trying to win her and eventually he did.

The point I am trying to make here is that if anyone is angry at you ignoring them it is because they want to talk to you.

So, the fact that your ex could be calling you names because of the fact that you are ignoring him just really means he wants to be heard by you and hasn’t been given that chance yet.

2 – Why Didn’t She Respond To Me?

Your ex boyfriend is probably going to wonder why you didn’t respond to him after the no contact rule has been completed.

I told you above that the no contact rule has been used on me in certain cases but never for an extended period of time like 30 days. What I can tell you though about my experience on being on the receiving end of the no contact rule is that when I felt ignored I found myself wondering,

“Why the heck isn’t she responding to me?”

You begin to wonder things like,

“Is she doing this on purpose?”

or

“Maybe she is just away from her phone and can’t respond?”

Of course, it’s a total mindfu** for men when a woman does respond to them after a certain amount of time. You will find us sitting there being like,

“Why the heck didn’t you respond to me in the first place?”

In fact, some men will grow so annoyed at being ignored that they will be very direct with you and ask you something like this through a text message,

ignoring me text message

* (Text message above was an example taken out of my book, The Texting Bible.)

If you end up getting a response like this from your ex boyfriend after the no contact rule has been completed then I would be extremely happy.

Why?

By your ex saying that it means that he was extremely annoyed about the fact that you wouldn’t respond to him.

What does that tell you?

THAT HE WANTED YOU TO RESPOND TO HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Look, I have been ignored before by a woman and let me tell you that it is extremely annoying to want nothing more to be heard when instead you are ignored. It makes you feel a little insignificant as a man and the more insignificant a man feels the more he will feel like he has to prove.

3 – She Must Be Disinterested In Me

Some men will go to extremes after the no contact rule is over.

In fact, this is something that so many of my coaching clients ask me about that I decided to make a video about it to further explain the concepts I am about to unfold for you below,


They will hate being ignored by you so much that they will tell themselves,

“Oh, it’s time to move on because she wants nothing to do with me.”

This is what most of the women on this site who employ the no contact rule are so afraid of. They are scared that if they use the no contact rule on their ex that he will think that they want nothing to do with him and I am not going to lie to you, some men will think that.

However, that doesn’t mean that he won’t come back. In fact, it might even be a good thing because as I have pointed out so many times men love women who are a challenge.

Why do they love a challenge?

Because they are more competitive by nature and they need to feel like they have to “win you over.”

Women who are easy aren’t as high of value to a man.

Think of it like this.

Lets take two sports cars and compare them.

What are the sports cars?

  1. A Mustang
  2. A Lamborghini

Every year millions of Mustangs are made for consumers whereas only a certain amount of Lamborghinis are made.

What do you think people go more crazy over?

The Mustangs or the Lamborghinis?

The lambo’s of course!

Why?

Because they are rarer and of higher value.

Don’t believe me?

The most expensive Mustang ever sold at an auction was a 1.3 million dollar 1967 Shelby Mustang. That mustang had decades to increase in value.

Well, last year alone Lamborghini made 3 cars (only 3) that sold for 3.9 million each.

Oh, and they were fresh out of the shop and didn’t have decades to rise in value.

Bottom line is that sometimes it isn’t a bad thing if your ex boyfriend thinks you are over him because it may mean that you have just evolved from a Mustang to a Lamborghini!

4 – Was She Playing Games?

Lets turn our attention to the type of man who has a brain and realizes that you are probably playing some sort of game by not contacting him.

Now, I will admit that for you this is probably the worst type of ex boyfriend to have because he probably knows exactly what is going on. He probably knows that you are ignoring him on purpose so that he will miss you and ultimately want you to come back.

Lets assume that you and I dated and we broke up with each other. Well, after the break up you employ the no contact rule on me. There is just one problem, this is me we are talking about here and I run a website where I teach women how to get their exes back so I pretty much know every trick in the book.

Speaking of books, you really need to check out my eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book“.  It’s epic in length and cover just about every question or situation that might crop up during this whole process.

In other words, I know exactly what you are trying to do with the no contact rule.

I guess the question I am throwing out here is,

Will the no contact rule work on someone who knows it is happening to them?

Well, yes and no.

Allow me to expand on that.

We are going to stick with our example here for a moment and say that you and I dated in the past.

Well, if our relationship was absolutely horrible and riddled with fights, disagreements, jealousy, trust issues and drama 24/7 there is a pretty good chance that my feelings are going to be lost.

Well, in this case, if I knew the no contact rule was being employed on me it probably wouldn’t be effective since I probably don’t want to get myself back in a situation like that.

However, what about if our past relationship was great?

Would the no contact rule work then if I knew it was going on?

Yes, it absolutely would because I would hate to be ignored and it would increase your value.

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5 – Extreme Guilt

Time has an amazing affect on men. You see, when something very emotional happens (like a break up) we tend to think very angry thoughts. In fact, I think a case could be made that everyone who goes through a break up will think angry thoughts.

Eventually though, when time takes hold of the situation, men begin to mellow out and gain some perspective on the situation.

They begin to think of all the little things they did wrong in a relationship and start to feel some extreme guilt.

Allow me to give you an example.

Lets say that you and your ex boyfriend constantly fought over his flirty nature.

You see, during your relationship he was always flirting with other girls and saying things like,

“Your cute!”

or

“We should go out some time.”

Now, to your knowledge he never cheated on you or anything that extreme but the way he would communicate with other women was very alarming to you and when you brought it up to him he became very defensive which of course started a fight.

In fact, this problem became so prevalent in your relationship that you two literally broke up over it.

It always kind of bugged you that he didn’t think he did anything wrong with the way he was talking to other women (he clearly did.) Well, after the break up it may take some time for it to kick in but eventually he will face the truth of the situation, that he was in the wrong.

The “If That Happened To Me” Factor

One of the most interesting ways that men can sometimes realize how bad they were in a relationship is something I like to call the “If That Happened To Me” factor.

What is it?

Ok, imagine for a moment that we are dating and I do the same thing to you as I described above, I flirt with other women in a very alarming manner.

Perhaps at the time, for some bizarre reason, I thought it was ok to flirt the way I did.

Now, lets say after the breakup you complete the no contact rule on me which of course is going to give me a lot of time to think.

What am I going to think during this time?

Well, I am going to probably run an interesting comparison in my head.

“What if what I did to her happened to me?”

“What if she had flirting with other men the way I flirted with other girls?”

Ok, stepping out of the fake example for a moment. I can tell you right now that I would be very upset if I found my significant other was flirting with other men in this type of alarming manner.

Why?

Because if someone is willing to flirt that heavy then that means the chances are higher that they might cheat in the future.

So, by using the no contact rule on an ex boyfriend who was clearly in the wrong in your relationship with him will give him time to think and with that time can come guilt over what he has done or how he has wronged you.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that this guilt isn’t entirely exclusive just to the breakup reason. In fact, you may learn in the future after the no contact rule that your ex was feeling guilty over some fight that you thought was insignificant. Of course, in order for your ex to feel this guilt you have to give him time in the form of the no contact rule.

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The Five Different Reactions Men Can Have AFTER No Contact

38,000 comments…

As of this moment this website has had over 38,000 women comment on it.

20,000 clients….

As of this moment we have over 20,000 men and women purchase a product from us.

That means that close to 60,000 women have read about the no contact rule and a very high percentage of those women have actually tried it out on their ex boyfriends. Well, one of the most beautiful things about this website is the fact that I actually get to interact with thousands of women and hear how their attempt to get their ex back goes.

What does that mean?

Well, it means that I have seen the no contact rule used a lot on ex boyfriends and have seen just about every reaction from them in the book.

In this section I would like to talk about the five most popular reactions from an ex boyfriend after the no contact rule is implemented.

Here is a rundown of the five most popular reactions after no contact,

  1. Being Super Happy To Hear From You
  2. Being Happy But Very Careful In His Responses
  3. Responding Very Angrily
  4. Responding Neutrally
  5. Not Responding At All

Lets take a look at these reactions right now.

1 – Being Super Happy To Hear From You

I wanted to start off with this reaction because this is without a doubt one of the most common reactions that you are going to get from your ex after you use the no contact rule.

Just ask a few of our success stories.

In fact, I know myself really well.

Better than anyone actually 😉 .

Want me to let you in on a secret on how I would react if someone I cared about a lot used the no contact rule on me?

During it’s use on me I would probably be extremely upset and angry with the person who used it on me. However, after about a week or two I would start to calm down and think about the situation. Eventually as the days and weeks go by I would just be hoping for any kind of reaction or response from the person using NC.

So, eventually when that “reach out” or “response” comes I would be over the moon.

In fact, I would be so over the moon that I wouldn’t care that this person essentially ignored me for a month. I would just be happy to hear from them.

It’s funny, so many women on this site are scared to death that their ex is going to resent them for doing the no contact rule and the truth is that he will but it won’t be permanent.

Everyone hates being ignored when they want nothing more than to be heard and that is essentially what the no contact rule does.

It forces you to ignore your ex when he wants nothing more than to be heard.

He is going to resent that a little bit at first but eventually he is going to miss you so much it is going to trump that resenting emotion.

It’s exactly how I work so you know for a fact that it’s going to work on just about any other man out there.

Lets move on to the next reaction.

2 – Being Happy But Careful In His Responses

Lets say that you and I previously dated and you broke up with me due to some stupid reason.

After some self reflection by you, you realize that you made a big mistake in breaking up with me.

(I mean, lets face it I am pretty awesome!)

You become desperate to get me back so you end up going to the internet to search for advice. Your internet search eventually lands you on this site and you learn about the no contact rule which you swiftly place into effect. Now, the no contact has a pretty decent effect on me because it makes me miss you and I want nothing more than to have a conversation with you.

However, that is not the only thing going on in my mind.

Yes, I miss you but I am also aware by ignoring me during the no contact rule you are playing a game and this sets off an alarm in my head.

What is the alarm?

“I need to be careful around her.”

In other words, when the time finally does come for us to communicate after the no contact rule I am going to be half in and half out when I respond to you.

In my mind I am going to need something from you to prove that you still are interested in me because after all, you were the one who broke up with me and you were the one ignoring me during no contact.

Now, if you follow the advice I have laid out in this site you will give your ex that special something he needs to understand that you are still interested in him.

What is the main takeaway from this section?

It’s that if you find your ex responding positively after the no contact rule but you can also feel this distance in his responses then it is probably because he is looking for something more from you before he takes the risk of opening up to you.

3 – Responding Very Angrily

This is a response that most of my one on one clients are terrified of yet it rarely happens.

And in the unfortunate situation where it does happen after the no contact rule it’s actually pretty easy to understand.

Your ex, who probably wants to talk to you, is ignored for 30 days and grows angry because he doesn’t get what he wants, to talk to you.

I almost look at men who are super angry after the no contact rule like toddlers who go to the store and throw a tantrum because their mommy or daddy won’t buy them the toy they wanted.

A lot can go through the mind of a man during the no contact rule.

In this particular instance it is important for you to understand that the underlying reason that your ex is angry with you after no contact is because he wanted to talk to you during the freeze out period and his ego can’t take being ignored. Now, most women freak out when they get an angry response from an ex and they think their chances of winning him back are over completely.

This is the wrong way to view the situation.

Ok, lets put on our logic caps for a moment.

Lets say that after the no contact rule you reach out to your ex boyfriend and he responds with this,

angry response

Now, you have been waiting a long time for this moment so most likely you are going to be extremely disappointed with that response but if you really break it down it’s not that bad of a response at all.

It is clear that your ex boyfriend is upset with you, yes.

However, notice how he is upset with you because you ignored him during no contact. That means that all he really wanted during that time was to talk to you. So, if after no contact he is still upset for the same reason that means that the intent to talk to you is still there.

In other words, the more angry he gets the more he really cares.

4 – Responding Neutrally

I suppose in order for us to to fully understand this section we first need to understand what a “neutral response” is.

My E-Book, The No Contact Rule Book teaches women that after the no contact rule they should actually reach out to their exes with a text message that is so interesting that is impossible for him not to respond. How he responds to that message is going to dictate how positively, negatively or neutrally he views you.

Well, if your ex boyfriend responds with a neutral response it would look something like this,

mickey text
This would be considered a neutral response.

Now, the question in play here is what could possibly be going on in your exes mind if he gives you this type of response?

Generally speaking, if after no contact, your ex gives you this response it means he is either holding some type of resentment or anger over either the breakup or the no contact rule. Now, is that a good thing or a bad thing for you?

Well, I personally think it depends.

Some men are very passive aggressive and will hold their anger in over the breakup and it can come out in the form of neutral responses.

The key for dealing with these types of men is patience.

Here is how I would deal with this situation if I was in your shoes and it happened to me.

Rather than freaking out over a neutral response I would wait a day or two and then try again with another text. If the ex responds more positively then you know for a fact that you can advance things. However, if you try reaching out 3-5 times to your ex and he responds either negatively or neutrally each of those times it is at this point you know that his anger, resentment or disappointment runs deep and he may need more time to deal with the situation.

5 – Not Responding At All

Ok, for women who are using the no contact rule this is really the worst case scenario.

You use the no contact rule on your ex boyfriend and then after NC, according to the instructions via Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO you send a text message and your ex doesn’t respond. You have a pretty good head on your shoulders so you don’t freak out. You wait a week, send another text message and he doesn’t respond.

Ok, now you are are starting to get a little worried.

Of course, the world hasn’t ended yet as you wait yet another week and then try again.

Still no response…

What the heck is going on?

Well, if your ex refuses to talk to you after the no contact rule I think there are a few things that you have to take a look at.

Generally speaking an ex can get upset over the no contact rule being used on him and think to himself,

“Fine, I don’t need her. I am not going to talk to her at all.”

Of course, when push comes to shove and you finally do end up texting your ex after the no contact rule he usually won’t be able to resist a response.

So, while it is possible that he could hold so much resentment for you ignoring him that he won’t even respond to you at all it is unlikely.

What is the more likely truth is that your ex holds resentment over the breakup or the reason you broke up.

You hurt him or angered him so deep that he doesn’t want to talk to you again.

For example, lets say you cheated on him with his best friend (totally not true but bear with me here.) If that happened to me, my significant other cheated on me with my best friend I would be so upset I would not be able to even talk to my significant other.

If your breakup reason hit him so hard emotionally it is entirely possible that he wont want to talk to you at all.

So, I guess the question you are wondering is how can you get him to talk to you?

Well, only The No Contact Rule Book can answer that 😉 .

What to Read Next

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The No Contact Rule Success Rate Is 75% For Our Clients

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1,348 thoughts on “The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule”

  1. Avatar

    Elizabeth

    May 22, 2020 at 9:58 pm

    Hi! My ex and I broke up and I did the 21 day no contact successfully. When I reached out, he’s being very positive and responding, however over this past week of texting, his interest has dwindled. I’m always the one initiating the texts which worries me. I feel like he just has his guard up, or if he’s just being nice. My mind is going all over the place. Should I give him space And let him contact me, or just keep initiating texts? I’m trying to be so patient, but I’m so confused.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 29, 2020 at 4:04 pm

      Hey Elizabeth this is actually quite typical behaviour. Sometimes exes will pull back if conversations are getting to familiar too soon. Keep going as you are, you are doing great. Keep initiating your conversations, but it is important that you are the one to end them and leave him wanting more

  2. Avatar

    Lia

    May 20, 2020 at 11:02 am

    Hello,
    My ex had been very distant from the past couple of months or so. I tried to support him and be there for him but he was rather cold and rude with me. He just seemed to have lost all interest in me, though he did not directly say that. The decision to cut off from him was mine. I told him that I did not want to be treated this way. However, I did mention that he is free to contact me when he is in the right state of mind, where he can give me the care and respect that I am worthy of. He agreed and sent me a text saying that he wishes me well. I did the same.
    This happened about one week ago. I started the no contact immediately after that. We have known each other for over a year. I have strong feelings for this guy. Do you think I stand a chance?
    He has not tried to contact me even once in the past one week.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 20, 2020 at 1:48 pm

      Hi Lia, yes if you follow the program and focus on yourself for some time then I think you do have a chance. Keep in mind it is not important if they reach out during NC it is important that you focus on yourself and get over the initial break up. And you reaching out at the end of your NC and having a short positive conversation with your ex

  3. Avatar

    Renee

    May 16, 2020 at 1:55 am

    Hello-

    My ex boyfriend broke up with me about 6 weeks ago. We had been together almost a year, It had been long distance and we hadn’t seen each other since January. We had been talking marriage, kids, and him moving to America. He said he wanted all of these things multiple times. He was supposed to come visit in March but the travel ban from Covid-19 prevented him from flying over. And than we were both in lockdown. We had been talking every day, days before he was calling me his dream, the one. On April 8th, he woke up and said he no longer wanted any of the things we had been planning. He didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. He said he felt like a piece of him was missing. We have been in NC since than. He checks my instagram story multiple times a day but doesn’t comment or post anything himself. He hasn’t unfriended me or taken any pictures of us down on his Facebook. It’s almost the end of 30 days NC, is there a chance of getting back together? What should I do next?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 20, 2020 at 3:27 pm

      Hey Renee, so there is a chance but it is important that you understand and follow the program without trying to ship the value chain when you speak at the end of your NC you are going to have to remember you are not picking up where you left off. You are starting again with this ex trying to re-attract them and work on your connection from the beginning and increasing the investment he has in you as time goes by. Be sure to read articles on how to progress and keep working on your Holy Trinity during this time and you will see great results

  4. Avatar

    Allie

    April 29, 2020 at 6:13 pm

    Hello,

    My ex broke up with me about a month and a half ago, he said we were both in a lot of pain and hurting each other and he didn’t want to hurt me anymore, that it seemed like the only option (we were together for almost a year). He mentioned that I was everything he’s ever wanted and that we could still be friends and hang out and see where things would go. I begged him to not break up with me, and when I realized it wasn’t going to do anything, I told him that if he wanted the breakup that we couldn’t talk anymore. Well he texted me a few times in the following days, I ended up responding to the last text and he was nice to me, but then he would get cold. I eventually decided that cutting off contact with him was the only way I would be able to heal and focus on me. I was in no contact for 33 days. The first week after I decided to go into no contact he did reach out a few times, but after not getting a response from me he eventually stopped. I used this past month to try to find myself, reflect on my life and try to enjoy the things I used to love doing before our relationship. And I have been doing pretty well (considering the current world situation). I still have sad days, but I have accepted the breakup and realized that I don’t need him, I mean I’ve been living my life without him for the past month and it has slowly gotten better.

    Well, I was cleaning out my room on Sunday and found a couple of things of his and I got super curious about how he was doing (I have been avoiding his social media, getting snaps here and there from his siblings, but not responding to them) and the last message he had sent me about a month ago was an iMessage game request. I responded to that, as I felt like that would be a good icebreaker. He responded right away, we played a few games and then he started talking to me. He told me he thought I would never talk to him again, that he thought I had blocked him and that he was happy to hear from me. He asked me how I was doing, and later he had been drinking a bit, and he asked why I had reached out to him now. We’ve been talking since Sunday, and he’ll bring up things we used to do together, send me gifs and memes (which he knows I love) and keeping the conversation going. He will sometimes flirt with me too and I’m not too sure what to make of that or how to respond.

    Me being here shows that I want to try to rekindle our love, I know he still loves me and this connection feels like it could have been so special. I guess I am a little lost in how to handle this new period of contact. I ended the conversation last night, as I felt we were talking too much. He mentioned he had some of my things and that I had his headphones, but didn’t mention giving them back or anything. I guess I’m wondering what his response to me talking to him means and tips on how to go from here.

    Thank you 🙂

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 7, 2020 at 11:12 pm

      Hey Allie, so you would need to read about the texting phase in Chris’ articles and the value chain. Where you would understand how to work up the value chain and then when to end conversations at their peak. Knowing how you should be speaking to your ex and when to time certain conversations as timing is essential for success.

  5. Avatar

    Kat

    April 19, 2020 at 7:41 am

    Hi Chris

    Hope you well. I have been broken up with my ex 7 months now. During this time he blocked me from calling him and one social site we use to communicate frequently. I broke up with him because his so flirty with women and he cheated on me , which made me feel so insecure during more of his flirting occured. He wouldn’t acknowlege when i complained about this. I started talking to other guys. And i cheated on him with one guy and i told him and that was when his “female friend” as he calls her called him at 1am in the morning. We brokeup and he moved out. I regret not handling things better and i did everything to hurt him back for not thinking about my feelings and i’ve apologised to him even though him and this girl started dating. I’m not sure if they still dating but he has met up with me and we were intimate. He calls me every two weeks saying his checking up on me. When i bring up us getting back together he says its still difficult for him. He says i really hurt him. One time he said he wants us to be friends and work toward being in a relationship again. I stopped asking him to be in a relationship with me and i started the no contact rule. Our conversations are more about him asking who i am with? what am i doing? And how am i? .. i haven’t answered his last phone call when he called me 7times in one day. I don’t know what to do and i was in a relationship with him for 4years i really want to make things work??? Please advise

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 25, 2020 at 6:01 pm

      Hi Kat, you need to try and apply the NC rule and then start the texting phase as Chris explains in the articles about getting communication open and building your connection

  6. Avatar

    Lola Black

    April 14, 2020 at 12:59 am

    My husband and I have kids together and broken up March 9th. We been talking and having sex up til April 4th we had an argument and He started being passive aggressive. i started then no contact rule on that same day. He moved out our house when we broke up.. and I haven’t contacted him for 10 days. He sent me a text today. Asking about our kids. I haven’t responded.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 14, 2020 at 8:36 am

      Hi Lola, you are able to reply to messages where he asks about the children, but do not talk about anything else

  7. Avatar

    san

    March 3, 2020 at 6:07 pm

    Hi
    So my ex broke up with me because his life is too “confusing” at the moment but he hasn’t deleted me on insta snap or whatapp. He has done this before and we got back together. He is constantly watching my insta story an snapchat story. There’s no activity from himself. I don’t know if the no contact will work this time. He even insisted we should just be friends after a 1 yr and a half. But then I blew up and said how can we be friends after everything everybody seems to be telling me to delete him off everything and my friends think he will defiantly come back once his head is cleared up but its not fair on myself. Would appreciate your advice

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 12, 2020 at 11:32 am

      Hi San, so if he walks away from you because life gets too much for him then I would consider reading the Ungettable posts and watch the videos as you are going to have to work on your value worth to your ex so that he feels that you are not worth letting go. At this point he probably knows that he could get you back if he wanted you. Appearing to move on would possibly work where you complete a No Contact and start casually dating so he thinks you are done waiting for him

  8. Avatar

    MissM

    February 6, 2020 at 4:32 pm

    My ex reached out to me recently after 3 months of no contact and was all full on with me apologetic wanted to meet stuff like that.
    Now I haven’t heard from him in 5 days it’s like his completely disappeared.
    Not sure what had happened. Not sure if I came across too much I really don’t know or his busy in his new work place. Was hoping to meet him for some drinks but don’t really want to reach out and look needy?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 6, 2020 at 9:36 pm

      Hey MissM so you can reach out to him yourself but do not ask for the meet up. Ask him about for advice on something you know he is knowledgeable about… for example if he were a into cars, ask him where is best to go get your car serviced etc. Rather than meeting up straight away you need to have some sort of conversation build up with him to make him invest some time in talking to you

  9. Avatar

    Soph

    January 17, 2020 at 9:08 pm

    Hi Chris, Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago, after a month of no contact he reached out to meet up and we met three weeks later cause I was busy. During these 3 weeks we spoke a few times and he used pet names, told me he missed me and did at times get flirty/sexual. When we met, we did have sex and he asked to meet again. Then I ended up talking about the relationship and asking what he wants ‘He didn’t see a future with us’.
    After he found out I was using tinder we got in contact again and had a few serious conversations where he said he wanted to send me a letter explaining everything about why he broke up with me. I chose to have a slightly serious text conversation about why our relationship ended instead and he said ‘at least now we know if something ever happens between us in the future’.
    We had a talk recently where he said he doesn’t know what the future holds but right now he was happy alone and chatting (he’s told me he likes talking to me multiple times). I said I get that but I’d want to eventually hang out and see where it goes and he said that sound positive and we can take it as it goes and we decided to just talk for now. We’ve since had a quick light conversation where he goes he still wants a painting from me which he initiated.
    Our current conversations can easily have quite flirty/sexual tones. I don’t know how best to go forth cause I’m worried that I could just be getting strung a long.

  10. Avatar

    Unsure

    January 14, 2020 at 1:20 am

    Hi Chris,

    My ex and I split up 10 months ago. We were together for almost 9 years and have a 2 year old. He broke up with me a week before we were supposed to start counseling. He said it was too little, too late and that he didn’t even know if he had ever loved me. I sustained a serious injury during childbirth that caused me to lose my mobility which led to the loss of my job and our home. We had to move in with his mother for awhile. Needless to say there was a lot of stress and fighting in the relationship. He resented me for it even though he knew there was nothing that could have been done to avoid it. I also found out right before the break up that he had been speaking to other women on tinder for the last couple years of our relationship. He swears it never went further than that. I moved out 6 months ago. Before I even left he had begun a new relationship. This relationship is now long distance and somewhat rocky. I know he has serious doubts about it but has mentioned that he loves her and entertained the idea of living with her several months ago. He has since changed his mind and is on tinder again. They are still talking though. It was devastating to be replaced so quickly but since the move things have gotten better. I have been continuing to regain mobility and have lost a lot of weight as a result of being able to move more. I am able to work part time on weekends and care for our child during the week. I have been dating as well. I implemented a modified nc as soon as I left. Recently we have begun talking more and he hangs out for a couple hours after drop off once the kids are in bed. During these hangouts we talk about our personal lives and things we are going through and goals for the future. Texts are short lived and always initiated by me or pertaining to our child. When I wished him happy birthday via text he told me about the show he was at and said he thought that I would have liked it. When I saw him he mentioned that he would have liked to have been with someone that night. He has brought up a past sexual encounter of ours that was relevant to the conversation. Maybe some light flirting. My real question here is do I stand a chance or are there too many roadblocks in the way?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 18, 2020 at 11:44 am

      Hi there, so I do think you have a chance, but it is so so so so so important that you do not give him any intimacy whatsoever unless you are back in a relationship. Treat it as if it was a new person and you want to wait because you want it to mean something not just a one night stand, because at the moment that is what he is going to try to get. He sounds as if he is unsure of what he wants which is why you need to be the one who talks to about life, flirts with and then you also need to work a little jealousy in there that could mean you are dating other guys and he needs to have this idea in the back of his mind. It sounds as if you are on the right track but again, its key you do not give him any sexual interaction unless you are together again

  11. Avatar

    Jessica tolle

    December 15, 2019 at 9:18 pm

    My name is jessica. Me and my boyfriend of 6 years just split up 1 week ago. We have 2 biological kids together plus one on the way and he raised my oldest from when he was 2. The last year had been kind of rocky we have been on and off a couple times. Everytime we split he has to find a girl to sleep with or be with right away. Hes very needy. This time he is already trying to talk to other girls and we have barely spoke. We got into a fight and he blcoked me on facebook. Usually when we break up it’s only for a few months if that even if he is dating someone then wants to come back to me. Always. I’m the one used to blowing him up and begging for him. Should I go to contact on him for once .. I still love him but we said very mean things. Plus we are having a baby inJune.. do you think he will come back after time. Or how do you view the situation and how he is..

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 15, 2019 at 9:46 pm

      Hi Jessica I suggest going into a limited no contact but also make sure you are getting him back because you want to get back together for the right reasons. You need to look at why you keep breaking up and getting back together what is the source of each break up? Is there a common issue? The fact he can not be alone is also something to be worried about, did he have a bad upbringing?

      Limited no contact, work on yourself for the time being and only speak about the children and shared responsibilities. Work on the Ungettable articles on this website and try to work out why you guys seem to have an on and off again relationship

  12. Avatar

    Jennifer Gillette

    December 2, 2019 at 1:18 pm

    So my boyfriend broke up with me almost 2 weeks ago And we have been together for only two months, he broke it off because I was getting mad when he was expressing his feelings or what was bothering him and I hunged up on two or three times when I didn’t like what he had to say and I would never get mad at him for expressing himself and I tried to explain to him but he didn’t wanna hear it and I had my daughter’s best friend call him from her phone and he thought I got a child involved and that isn’t true and then I was talking to a couple of ladies in the motorcycle group and said I was causing drama and he said to come get my stuff and there is nothing to work out or even talk about it, I made the mistake and texted him on Thanksgiving and said “Happy Thanksgiving” that was it and I got no response so I left it alone and my daughter texted him on her phone and he didn’t respond to her and she is only 10 and she is feeling like she did something wrong also. My question is how long should I do the NC on him and is there any chance of us getting back together after the
    NC? Apparently it was the small things we could have worked out and he didn’t want to and just quit on me so I’m scared he doesn’t want me but there are a lot of feelings in our text messages and he broke it off through text messages and blocked me off Facebook too!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 4, 2019 at 9:12 pm

      Hi Jennifer, so you sending a happy thanksgiving message is breaking no contact so you have to start again, also as your daughter has his number make sure she doesn’t reach out to him for the time being. It is hard for her to understand but explain to her in a way she gets that you are not friends right now. If you follow this program properly and consistently then you give yourself the best chance of getting your ex back. But you have to put in the work

  13. Avatar

    Zeb

    October 17, 2019 at 12:31 am

    A week before he broke off with me, I asked him if our relationship is going anywhere. (Serious commitment) a week after I chat with his ex, about their relationship because it so happens that she also a friend. She call him, telling something that makes him mad at and broke up with me. Now we aren’t talking since he broke off with me. I love him and I want him back, what should I do to get him back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 20, 2019 at 9:07 am

      Hi Zeb so No Contact first so he can stop being mad at you, then you need to know what has upset him to end it and work on being truthful with him while also getting your friendship back – then building attraction

  14. Avatar

    Brittany

    October 10, 2019 at 8:58 am

    Hi Chris,

    My ex partner of 7.5years left me nearly 5 months ago. We had just moved back to the UK to live on 3 year visas and it was a complete shock.
    He went away one weekend and apparently met someone with a ‘spark’ and that was it he wanted out and nothing to do with me.
    The first month was rough and we were still in contact. The second month he tricked me into going back to Australia for some time apart and to work thing out when I was back, he said that was all a lie when I landed.
    We messaged and called while I was home to try to discuss our separation but it was toxic.
    I came back to the UK packed the house, shipped everything home. We were supposed to meet that weekend but I couldn’t do it.
    We have been in NC for 2.5 months and he sent me an email 2 weeks ago to say he wanted to get in contact to sort things and our separation but there really is no need.
    I haven’t replied and frankly I’m confused by his email.
    He has been dating and introducing this girl he met as his gf only a week after our breakup. Around the time of his email she then also blocked me on fb and ig despite me not initiating anything at all with her.
    I’m one confused cookie!
    Any advice?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 12, 2019 at 8:33 am

      Hi Brittany, so what he can he doing is trying to get closure, or has maybe realised the grass isn’t greener with the other woman. If you don’t want him back and there is nothing to sort then continue to ignore him. If you want to reconcile your relationship then you need to respond but you take it very slow and let him do the majority of the work.

  15. Avatar

    Sandy

    August 29, 2019 at 8:42 pm

    I started seeing a guy that told me he had a gf. He also told me the relationship was toxic and they fought constantly. She threatened to leave him daily. He and I kept seeing each other and breaking it off over and over. We just couldn’t let each other go. I continued to date and sleep with him and 3 months into this, the gf left him. He told me we could finally be together openly and that he loved me. But then we started to argue every time he called me. He pulled away and told me he was depressed in his empty house. He told me he needed to figure things out for himself. Then he just wanted to be friends because he missed his ex gf. He started talking to her while being friends with me. Then he told me she is not interested in getting back together and he wants to work on our friendship. He told me he still needed time and we are just working on being friends. I told him I wanted more and he stopped talking to me. I text him 3 days later and he replied with a goodbye. I said ok and take care. We haven’t spoke to each other for 17 days. I don’t know what happen. I want to wait the 30 days of NC to see if he starts to get curious. Im afraid he won’t or maybe he’s back with the ex. Should I message him now, after 30 days or not at all?

  16. Avatar

    Alice

    July 15, 2019 at 2:51 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I enforced NC with my boyfriend of 4 years. Right after I graduated from law school we went on vacation and I truly thought he was going to propose. We have talked about the future and life plans, etc. with one another but knew it’d be more appropriate to plan our life together only after I graduate.

    We went on vacation after my graduation and I was positive we would get engaged. I was pretty bummed after vacation I told him that I was upset because I thought a proposal was on the horizon.

    He said that we will get engaged .. just not anytime soon….he loves me … he’s not going anywhere … and that I need to be patient…. and that he doesn’t want to be engaged right now….

    The conversation became increasingly frustrating for me because I felt rejected. I told him if he can’t specify why he is so unsure about being engaged in the near future (especially after 4 years) then I don’t want to be together because I feel pushed away. If he doesn’t know how long until he’s “ready” then why string me along until he “knows” when is a good time? My momma told me to never wait on a man!

    Ultimately I told myself that I really deserve to be with someone who 100% has no doubt in their mind that I am the one for them and had no reservations about me being in their life.

    So.. I immediately enforced NC … blocked him on all social media and deleted his number…. 4 days later he sent me an email in a “panic” saying that he called me 20 times with no answer and has no way to communicate with me…

    So… I unblocked his number … sent him a text saying if he wants to talk he can call… and he didn’t respond until the next day…..

    His reply the next day mentioned that he DID have something to say , but after being blocked he felt that I “made my decision” and there was nothing left to talk about ….

    I told him it’s not fair for me to want to stay in the relationship and be engaged when he doesn’t want the same thing …..

    I called him twice to try and talk things out (I really shouldn’t have though…) no answer from him… told him that he is being childish and playing games. So I blocked his number AGAIN and wished him well. He had his chance to makes things right and he didn’t.

    Here I am at 2 full weeks no contact – blocked him off all social media because it truly does help me heal…

    My plan is to move forward from 4 years of a relationship I thought was going to grow and thrive. However, I secretly hope he will resurface wanting to take the next steps in our relationship if NC gives him time to feel my absence from his life.

    Am I wrong for breaking up with him AND initiating NC? After all, I am the person who felt the feeling of being ‘dumped’ because of his lack of enthusiasm about being engaged.

    Thank you for reading
    🙂

  17. Avatar

    Ocean

    June 26, 2019 at 12:49 am

    Soo.. I guess here goes for ” advice ” .. I have a tendency to push people away.. and do the stupid ” lets break up ” threat… Well the third time i did that to my boyfriend , he said ” i dont think i want to be in a relationship any more.. ” So.. The next day we got together and spoke about it, and he said he just was tired of worrying about my feelings sometimes.. And he brought my dog a present , and then showed me some pictures he took that day at the park. The next day, i brought him some gifts randomly, to which he texted me back saying he really appreciated them and we had a little joke. The third day, we went out to dinner together casually..shared food together, laughed, etc.. Then two days later we went out to a concert together and ended up hooking up.. Slept together and cuddled.. he didnt kick me out.. and even offered to cook me pancakes the next day.. I declined.. i asked him about trying on the relationship and he said ” he didnt know if he could answer that yet.. ” We laid together talking for 5 hours.. crying… laughing.. He held me.. i wiped his tears.. He told me he had things in his head he needed to work on.. and his mom said if we believed in fate we’d end up working things out together if we were meant to be.. We laughed more and he said things about how much he would miss me.. and how much he thinks of me already.. and his favorite picture of me that he has.. And then after about 5 ish hours of laying together happily ( but not agreeing to work things out ) i asked him if i should just leave and leave him alone? he said yes… He then laid in his bed in pain as i got dressed.. as he walked me out he hugged me hard, kissed me, and seemed upset.. THEN when i left, i stupidly texted him a bunch of emotional things.. and i asked ” are you happier this way ? ” and all he said was ” i feel f*cked up right now ” .i might also add that he hasn’t asked me for his stuff back .. he left a PlayStation at my house … SO… I’m going to try the no contact thing… Because i don’t know what to do?! What do you make of this? Any one?

  18. Avatar

    Luan

    June 8, 2019 at 6:42 pm

    If I’m to use the NC period to work on myself and become the UG, why am I contacting him? Shouldnt he reach out to me? Doesnt this go against the mans need to hunt a d to place value on us? How can I now be a lambourghini and reach out?

  19. Avatar

    Lola

    June 6, 2019 at 8:13 am

    Dear Chris: I want to thank you, because I read your blog and applied NC from day 2 and it does work. After our terrible breakup (he broke up with me on a fight) to calm waters I decided to text him the day after (and also cause I had the hope to solve it) I texted him “how are you?” and he NEVER responded. Since then, I decided not to insist at all and go all silent. His birthday was a week later, didn’t wish him a happy birthday, anything.

    So exactly 5 weeks after, he reaches out with a neutral text – kind of cold- saying that he was sorry for never having responded to that text. I thought too much whether I should answer or not. So 3 days later I said “I don’t really know what to say” and he said that I didn’t have to say anything, and that he just needed to let me know.

    Now he changed his Whatsapp profile picture to a pic I took of him in my place, a private artistic photo that I took of him, and for me this is a way to catch my attention.

    I have the feeling that he’s waiting for me to make a next move, but honestly I feel like he must have been nicer in his text and at least asked me how I was. I think he know sees me like a Lamborghini…

    So… Is it a good idea to text him now? I don’t know exactly what I could say… He was so ambiguous!

  20. Avatar

    Zama

    June 1, 2019 at 12:37 pm

    My ex cheated on me with his ex girlfriend, broke up with him politely via text, gracedully walked away without a response from him. I went NC for 5 months, emailed him, no response and now a month later (6th month) he’s asking me to help him (hair and make up) with a film of his life story that he’s producing…(story basically shows why he was the way he was). Should I not think anything of this?

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