What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back

Making An Ex Commit When He Doesn’t Want To

Making an ex commit to you is no easy task.

This is especially true when they reside themselves to believing that they don’t want anything to do with you.

So, how do you make them commit to you, assuming you want them back.

Well, that is the question that I am going to be answering in this episode of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast!

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Important Things Mentioned In This Episode

  • The interdependence theory
  • The importance of investment on all levels
  • How society views dating and why it holds YOU back
  • Rome success story

Interview Transcript

  • Hey, hey hey!

    What’s up and welcome to another friendly episode of the exboyfriend recovery podcast. Really excited to have you here like always and I just wanted to say, we’ve got  really, really relevant episode for you today.

    Specifically if you’re sitting there wondering, “Well, how can I actually get my ex to commit to me?” There’s not a lot of information out there.

    I’ve looked online about specfically how a woman should approach getting their ex to ask them how–if they should be in a relationship again. And I think I have a really interesting take that not a lot of people have and a lot of relevant proof to back up that what I’m saying actually will work but before we dive in today, we’re going to be hearing from a woman who wants to be called 36 and single. We’re going to be hearing from her but before we actually hear from her I’d like to ask you for a favor.

    If you haven’t already, if you’re listening to this podcast and you enjoy this podcast, could you please just go to our Itunes page and leave an honest rating or review and even subscribe to this podcast. It’s really important that we get those subscribers and a lot of ratings and reviews so we can essentially survive the Itunes rakings, mambo jumbo that they have going on.

    So, if you haven’t already done that, it takes literally 5 minutes. You have no idea how much that would help the exboyfriend recovery team and I out. I’m going to be putting a link to the necessary pages you can go to to leave a rating and review or even subscribe to this podcast in the show notes of this episode. All` you have to do is go to exboyfriendrecovery.com.

    Go to the podcast section of our website, find this particular episode and every information you could ever want is essentially going to be there.

    Ok, so let’s just dive right in and hear from 36 and single, who has a question related towards how she can get her exboyfriend to ask for her to be in a relationship again.

  • Hi Chris,

    I am 36 and single. I just got out of a relationship that was almost two years. He is the man that I dated right after my fiance and I broke up, who was the father of my 5 year old boy and we had insane chemistry, such a good time together.

    He works a lot. I work a lot. We really only got to see each other once a week, overnight visits but it was wonderful. We ended up having a bit of a falling out in the end and playing games and he just dropped off the face of the earth and I did the no contact period for 30 days and then he began to contact me right around the 30 day mark.

    The texting was kind of sporadic in the beginning and then got a little more regular and he came to my work a few times and most recently took me out to lunch and asked if he could take myself, my son and my mom to lunch on Sunday and we went and it was amazing and then we spent some alone time together. That was incredible. The chemistry is still definitely there but he didn’t make a move to get back together.

    So, what should I do? I know I want to get married and he probably ultimately doesn’t but if there’s any advice you could give me, it would be wonderful. Thank you so much.

  • Hey, I wanted to take a minute and thank you 36 and single for having the courage to actually get up here and ask a question. I know that it takes a lot out of you to kind of put yourself out there but hopefully we can give you some answers that you want here. So, like always, I’m going to do a quick recap. If this is the first time you’re listening, what I do is after the particular person has left their voice mail, describing their situation and their question, I do quick recap just so everyone is on the same page and some people I do like to scroll through the voice mail and just get right to the meat of the content. So, here is essentially the dumbed down version of what she said.

    She just got out of a relationship that was almost two years with her fiance and the man she dated right after her fiance was this current break up. She is a mother of a 5 year old with her ex fiance but she’s  not trying to get her ex fiance back. She’s trying to get the man that she dated right after her fiance back. The two of them had incredible chemistry. It’s interesting both of them work a lot. So, they only got to see each other really once a week and then I’m sure there’s probably like phone calls and text messages in between but only probably in person time, only got to see each other one on one once  a week. At the end, they had a falling out and started playing games with each and then he essentially dropped off the face of the earth. So, what did she do? She did the 30 day no contact rule and then he began to contact her right around the 30 day mark. So, she didn’t even have to reach out to him which is awesome. He came to work a few times, took her out to lunch and then he wanted to take her entire family out to lunch, her son, her, her mother. Wow, that is some investment right there. And ultimately things went really, really great between the two of them but he still hasn’t asked for her back yet.And so now 36 and single is sitting there and wondering, “Well, how the heck can I get him to ask for me to back?”

    So, I think it’s really, really important before we dive into how you can make a man to get back together, is to look first at some of the reasons for why he wouldn’t ask. And I think particularly looking at your situation 36 and single, the thing that really strikes me is he doing almost everything you would expect a man who’s still into you to do. He’s going out of his way to spoil you, he’s going out of his way to take you out to lunch, take your family out to lunch which again is very bold on his part but I think that maybe the one thing that’s stopping him is his own fear of failure. You had mentioned that you both kind of had a falling off in the end and you both ended up playing games with each other. And the fact that he essentially dropped off the face of the earth, I’m assuming right after you played this games, right after you had this falling out, means he was very deeply hurt by this and he’s also potentially a little scared of history repeating itself or even getting rejected by you. Even though I’m sure you’re putting out all sorts of signals to say, “Hey, it’s ok. Ask for me back. I want you back.” It’s ok, without actually asking for him back. So, I think maybe the one thing that he just needs from here is a little bit more of reassurance.

    Often times women gets so caught up in the fact that, “Hey, I’m trying to win my ex back. How can I win him back? What if he says no? What if I fail?” They fail to take into account that men are often afraid of getting heart broken too and you have to understand that going in. And it’s really, really interesting, I”m about to teach you, if you’re listening, a three step process to making an ex back get back together with you. And one of the things I’m going to talk about is how society views dating and what the society rules are that you have to always follow no matter what. A man should always be the one who asks for a woman right? But before we get into that, let’s first talk a bit about why he would be scared of being rejected. So, the way I look at it is, relationship, when it comes to asking someone out, there’s really one of two ways it can go. If you’re a man and you asked a woman out is she either accept you and then hey, that’s great. Life is great or she can reject you. I know from my personal experience, I had never asked a girl out unless I was 100% sure that I would get a yes. And it’s really, really funny because I wasn’t always that way. I think younger people, generally younger people, I’m assuming–you say you’re 36 and single. So, I’m assuming he’s in that age range. He’s probably dated around a bit. He kind of knows how things work. He knows the dating scene a little bit but I remember as a young man, I would just wear my heart on my sleeve. I would really get emotionally invested into relationships, I would ask for a girl out before we had like–I had built enough attraction essentially and I would get rejected. And after enough times of getting hurt, it made me afraid to wear my heart on my sleeve without reassurance from the girl or without basically a guarantee that I would get a yes, if I would ask the girl out.

    I think your ex is probably that way. He’s probably a little afraid of getting rejected because no one likes to get rejected. I’ve been rejected. It sucks. You’ve been rejected. That’s why you’re here. Rejection sucks. It’s like getting punched in the gut but there are some things that you can do to make this easier on yourself 36 and single. So, what I’m going to do is I’m going to teach you a three step process to make an ex get back together to you. If you’re listening now and maybe 36 and single’s situation doesn’t necessarily apply to you, I still want you to pay attention because what I’m about to talk about here, I haven’t seen a lot of people talk about and I’ve actually proven that it works.

    So step 1, like I said, there’s three steps to this process. Step 1 is something called The Interdependence theory. Now, the interdependence theory basically states that human beings like to commit to one another on a cost and benefit scenario. So, when someone’s looking to commit to you, they’re going to do what’s in their best interest by maximizing the benefits and minimizing the costs. So, pretend that your ex, 36 and single has a pro and con column for you. On one hand, he’s thinking of the pros. On the other hand he’s thinking of the cons. So, what you have to do is make sure that there are way more pros than there are cons. There’s a number of ways to do this but ultimately what it boils down to is proving that you are a pro in three different areas.

    The first area is satisfaction. So, your ex needs to feel extremely satisfied with your relationship and I’m assuming that this happened for you because he’s kind of come back already. He just hasn’t sort of taken the ultimate step to asking you back. And satisfaction essentially what it boils down to is if your ex looks back on your relationship, how satisfied was he with the relationship emotionally, physically? All of that stuff does matter. So, satisfaction number 1. That’s something that you definitely have to do. He has to feel satisfied with your relationship. The number 2 thing is alternatives. He has to feel that there’s not a better alternative out there for you. And often times you’ll find satisfaction and alternatives kind of have this synergy working between them. So, the more satisfied a man is in a relationship, the less likely he is to sit there and think, “Well, I can totally do better than her.” but the inverse is also true. The other side of the coin is also true. If he’s very unsatisfied with the relationship, he is more likely to sit there and say, “Hmm.. I wonder if I should have dated that one girl from the office.” or something like that. So, often times, if you can make your ex super satisfied with the relationship, he’s more likely to think there’s not a better alternative out there for you. And this is kind of a real ninja way to look at it. Sometimes it’s actually a great thing to have your ex break up with you. I know that sounds really weird for me to say but bare with me here. If your ex breaks up with you and he was pretty satisfied with your relationship but maybe he was kind of getting picky and kind of being a douche about it and he goes out to the dating scene and realize, “Wow! There is not a better girl than her.” It can actually work to your advantage. So, if he goes out and realizes that none of the alternatives that he thought were better than you or actually better than you, he’s going to look at you and place you on a high pedestal.

    Now, the third thing is something I really, really want you to take into account here. So, we’re still in step one here. We’re still talking about the interdependence theory and like I said, the interdependence theory really boils down to honing in on three things: Satisfaction, alternatives and number 3, Investment. How much has he invested into the relationship? Investment can come in many different forms. It can come from emotions. It can come from monetary value basically, I’m spending money on you. It can come from his own time. My advice to you is really hone in on this. Get him to spend a lot of time with you. Get him to emotionally invest and also get him to financially invest in you. And if you can get all three of these things; satisfaction, alternatives and investment working in your favor, it will really go a long way to getting him to actually take a step and commit to you. Will it necessarily guarantee he’ll take a step to commit to you? No. That’s sort of my next point that I’m leaving into here, 36 and single. So, when I look at your situation, when I look at these three things; satisfaction, alternatives and investments, there’s only one area where I see I major need of improvement. If you’re saying the chemistry was great and I’m assuming the chemistry was very great between the two of you, I’m thinking satisfaction is not really what you need help with. The same thing would probably go for alternatives because as I just explained satisfaction and alternatives have this synergistic effect with one another. If his satisfaction with you is very high, he’s more likely to think that alternatives, there’s not really a great alternative out there.

    But where you do struggle, and where you even mentioned yourself that both of you work a lot and you only get to see each other once a week, is investment. He maybe emotionally invested into this relationship but your problem is the fact that you’re not getting him to invest enough time in person with you. So, that’s something that you need to do a lot more of. So, step 1 is really hone in on the interdependence theory. Do I think you-I think you are on the cusp. I really do 36 and single. I think you are very close to getting him to invest into a relationship with you. You just need to get him to invest more time with you. Whether that’s time texting you constantly through out the day but I think really where you’re going to benefit is getting him to invest his time physically with you. Now, the other thing I do want to point out is you mentioned that you have great chemistry. Sometimes that can actually work against you if you actually sleep with your ex because in that case if you sleep with your ex without a commitment, the door is open for a friends with benefits situation. Now, do I think that’s what’s happening here? Not necessarily but if you slept with him, he might trying to keep his options open because, “Wow! I can actually get her when we’re not in a relationship. How long can I do this for? Maybe I can kind of play the field a little bit.” You don’t want to open that up at all. I know it’s hard, especially when you have great chemistry together. Nevertheless, get him to invest more time with you. So, that was step one of this three step process to making him get back together.

    Step 2, is getting over the way society views dating. So, how does society view dating? Well, society views dating in the prince charming era where the man has to be the one to do everything. And ultimately, what does is–not a lot of women look at it this way but this is the way I see it. Men have the ultimately advantage when it comes to asking women out, to asking women to get in a relationship with him, why? Because they’re the ones controlling it. That interaction. They’re the ones determining it. Hey, when I ask for someone out, they’re the ones who determine when someone commits to each other. This is kind of a problem and a lot of women have this preconceived notion coming into this process that he has to be the one to ask me out and I can’t get over that. And no matter how many times I explain it to them, hey this is 2017. We don’t live in 1980 or 1970 anymore where men have to do all the work. It’s ok for women to actually take the reigns and very, very carefully, bare in mind that’s the word. Carefully here, drop hints to make him want to commit to you or it his idea to commit to you. It’s ok to do that kind of stuff. Men on the other hand–so,  work with both men and women who are trying to get their exes back and given the choice between the two and if someone were come up to me and say, “Hey, if you are looking for an ideal client, someone who you were sure that can help get back together with their ex and you were to list all of the break up qualities, all of the gender, the man and the woman, I would pick the man every single time.” Why? He has essentially more control than a woman does. Because women have this preconceived denotion and it’s so hard for me to crack through this. It’s so hard for me to explain to women screw society. I don’t care what society thinks. I don’t care what your friends thinks. I don’t care what your family thinks. I care about getting you from point A to point B. And point A where you are now, to point B getting him back and sometimes you don’t play by the necessary rules to get there. If that makes any sense. So, what society tells you to do, hey always wait for a man to do it. I say BS. We don’t live in those old times anymore. We live in the new age and half men are spineless and afraid to ask for you out. Hey raising my hand here, totally me. That’s how I know coming from a man. So, step 2 is getting over the way society views dating. If you’re a woman sitting there and thinking that Chris is wrong. I don’t believe him at all. I don’t what he says, I’m sorry to say but I put you at a distinct disadvantage because if you can get over the fact that it’s not ok for you to ask for him out when in fact it really is, it will give you a lot of power.

    So, step 3, let’s say that you’ve really worked on step 1. You’ve really upped his satisfaction. You’ve lowered his alternatives and you’ve upped his investment into you. In step 2, let’s say that you’ve gotten over the way society views dating and you are ok with actually going on the limb and asking for him out. Step 3, is picking the right spot. So, for this one I’d like to tell a little bit of a story. We have a woman in our private Facebook group. So, if you don’t already know, we have a private support group that we run on Facebook. My wife and I are really kind of the brains behind it, truthfully my wife is the brains behind it. But we run this private group. Last time I checked, we have about 800 members now. I’ll put a link to it, if you want to join in the description of this episode. Anyways there was a girl who was in very, very similiar situation to you 36 and single. She had broken up with her ex. Things seemed to be going really, really well but no matter what she tries, she couldn’t get him to commit to her and she had mentioned to me that I had told her basically the three step process I’m telling you now. I told her ok, interdependence theory. Let’s get to work on the satisfaction, alternatives and investment. Alright number 2, let’s get over the idea of it’s not ok for you to ask for him back and then number 3 I said, make sure you pick the right spot. And then she had mentioned to me that her and her ex were actually taking a trip to Rome, very, very romantic city. I was thinking, ok, let’s look at this from her ex’s perspective. He hasn’t committed to this girl yet and he’s going to be sitting there thinking, wow I’m doing this really great thing. I’m taking her to Rome. It’s really romantic. She’s totally going to sleep with me. That’s exactly what he’s thinking and I explained this to her. I said, look just understand going in, he’s taking you to this city, he’s having this preconceived notions going in thinking he’s going to get some but here’s where it gets important. If you’re going for more than 3 or 4 days, don’t sleep with him until you get a commitment. In fact, do not sleep with him until maybe the third or fourth where you’re sure you got the commitment. And I wanted her to do that because I wanted her to create a sense of urgency. So, it’s really important to create a sense of urgency when you’re trying to get a man to commit to you. He needs to feel an urgent sense to commit to you. He needs to feel like he’s going to lose you forever and sometimes just sprinkling a little sex into the equation can help but I told her very specifically do not sleep with him until he had said the words, we are back together. You and I are boyfriend and girlfriend again. And I told her very specifically, pick the right spot. Pick the right time. He even suggests getting back together. So, I said, wait until you’re in a very romantic environment. Rome, perfect for romance. Wait you’re until you’re in the most romantic environment in Rome. Wait until you’re feeling really good about this situation, he’s feeling really good about this situation and then like dropping a little pencil in front of him, just suggest, hey are we official? Are we back together? And then by saying it and wording it that way, you’re taking a lot of the pressure off of him. Because he’s thinking probably in his head, ok, so I know I want to sleep with her and probably the only way to sleep with her–it’s already made clear because I told this person very specifically don’t sleep with him. And in fact he’s probably going to try the first few days that you’re in Rome, don’t sleep with him on purpose. Don’t even ask for a relationship on purpose for a couple days and then create this sense of urgency. You’ll make him upset a little bit but he’ll sort of get the hint that look, you’re not giving it up. You’re not an easy target. You have to commit to me before I give it up. And that’s essentially what happened.

    She did not sleep with him for two days. He definitely tried. She just made up excuses and he definitely got angry but it was indicative to him that wow,she’s not as easy as I thought even though I took her to this really great place. I need to put in the effort and I need to commit to her. And so, eventually, the woman who I’m talking about in this story, she picked the right spot. She waited until they were kind of really romantic. They were kissing. They were overlooking a beautiful hilltop and everything and then she just suggested, hey are back together? Are we like a thing now? By wording it that way, it took a lot of the pressure off him because he in his mind is thinking how do I ask for her back? I don’t even know how to ask for her back. That’s weird. I don’t want to ask for her back. So, by just saying, in sort of a factual manner, are we back together? It’s not a factual manner. Saying in  a question manner. It’s a simple yes or no answer for him. So, of course he said yes. So, a lot of step 3 just revolves around picking a romantic point and an environment where you can suggest it to a man in question form. So, obviously this girl got back with her ex and they’re still together and I know some of you maybe saying, well wait, you used sex to create this sense of urgency. Isn’t he just committing to her for sex? Well, in that case, here’s what I would say to you. I am not aware of a man who commits to woman without the promise of sex. People just like to say or save face by saying, oh we’re not dating because of sex. You are. That is why you are dating. The whole premise of dating revolves around creating more human beings. That’s how human being survive. That’s how we populate. So, if you’re sitting there and saying, oh you shouldn’t get back together over sex. I guarantee you if you told a man you have to commit to you and I will never sleep with you. He is going to say FU. I’m not interested. Sex is essential to creating this sense of urgency because it is really truly one of the greatest things that you can offer to a man. One of the greatest benefits when he’s looking at that satisfaction aspect of the interdependence theory. If he’s satisfied with you in the bedroom, it’s going to make things 10 times easier right? So, just using sex is kind of a way as a way to create a sense of urgency can really be a powerful mechanism.

    Ok, let’s do  a quick recap before I say sayonara on this episode. So, ultimately there’s a three step process to making an ex get back together to you. Step 1 is really hone in on the interdependence theory. If you don’t know what the interdependence theory is, basically all you have to remember is three things; satisfaction: making sure he’s super satisfied with you. Alternatives, making sure that he doesn’t have really a good alternative to you, an investment. Making sure he invests his time, money and energy into you. So, that is step 1 of this three step process. Step 2, is getting over the way society views dating. Understanding that it’s ok for you to ask for him back and if you don’t think it is, that puts you at a distinct disadvantage. And then finally step three is to pick the right spot. Pick a very highly emotional moment, create a sense of urgency, create the environment around you and then just present everything to him in question form. Hey are we back together? That way it’s a simple yes or no from him. And often times when confronted with a question like that, it will put you in this really romantic environment, you are stacking the odds in your favor to have him say yes. Alright, so that’s gong to do it for this episode. If you haven’t already, I literally appreciate it if you went to the iTunes page and left an honest rating and review and subscribe to this podcast. We really, really need the subscribers. We really, really need the ratings and reviews. So, the more, the merrier. It will help this podcast and I can keep doing this episodes and I can keep talking to you fine people. Alright guys, that’s going to do it for this episode. I’ll hit you up next time.

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Written by EBR Teamate

Chris Seiter

10 thoughts on “Making An Ex Commit When He Doesn’t Want To”

  1. Ash

    September 8, 2017 at 2:12 am

    I’m confused on what to do , me and this guy have been dating seriously for about a year and a half but we’ve known eachother 2 1/2 years . We’ve had our up and downs but we love eachother and care for eachother a lot . We do everything a regular couple does . We spend at least 3-4 days out of a week toghter. Sometimes not even not have sex . So I know it’s more then just sex with us …
    We recently had a bad ” break up” we call it but it’s not really because we weren’t officially toghter . After we reconnected 2 weeks later. we didn’t tell eachother we love eachother as often as we did before so one night I asked if he still loved me he said ” Yes I love you , and of course I care about you but I’m not ready for a relationship right now ” I didn’t even ask about a relationship so basically I’m wondering. What to do ? Should I do NC so he can miss me ? Or was that basically my answer on how he feels ?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 12, 2017 at 9:50 pm

      HI Ash,

      so, basically you’re like friends with benefits because you sleep with him but you’re not official.. Yup do nc, but do it more for yourself not just to make him miss you.

  2. Kate

    August 27, 2017 at 12:31 am

    My ex and I had a messed up breakup but we started hanging out again recently and I felt like I needed to tell my ex how I felt. He said he wasn’t looking for a relationship and how he was maybe moving to the other side of the country.

    Things have changed now and he is not moving and has started to ask me to hang out and initiate contact. So I wanna ask? Was him saying he wasn’t looking for a relationship my answer or do I have a choice?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 27, 2017 at 1:39 pm

      Hi Kate,
      if he wants to hang out after saying that, that means you’re friendzoned

  3. b

    August 1, 2017 at 2:27 pm

    On and off for two years, he had a specific “type” of girl who wasn’t me, but we have an insane connection he can’t find elsewhere (all according to him). He always comes back to me and says they dont “compare”. Currently hes asking me to put my life on hold while he chooses between me and another woman. Would the method mentioned in the article my ex boyfriend and i still hook up, the break off, be useful in making him jealous, or would it just push him to walk away citing that he doesn’t want to infringe on my happiness? I was not able to comment on any other articles.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 1, 2017 at 5:25 pm

      The question is, are you happy being the second choice and being treated like his friend with benefits? Because the more you’re willing to be in that situation, the more you’re conveying you don’t have self respect. Do nc for yourself..not to make him jealous,.not more for him but for yourself.. If he doesn’t commit, it’s his loss..

  4. b

    August 1, 2017 at 2:18 pm

    On and off for two years, he had a specific “type” of girl who wasn’t me, but we have an insane connection he can’t find elsewhere (all according to him). He always comes back to me and says they dont “compare”. Currently hes asking me to put my life on hold while he chooses between me and another woman. Would the method in a previous article (I still hook up with my ex and how to get him to commit), the break off, be useful in making him jealous, or would it just push him to walk away citing that he doesn’t want to infringe on my happiness? I was unable to comment on that one.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 1, 2017 at 5:25 pm

      The question is, are you happy being the second choice and being treated like his friend with benefits? Because the more you’re willing to be in that situation, the more you’re conveying you don’t have self respect. Do nc for yourself..not to make him jealous,.not more for him but for yourself.. If he doesn’t commit, it’s his loss..

  5. Annie

    July 11, 2017 at 6:45 am

    Great article! I have a question about no contact – is it always necessary to break the no-contact after 21,30, or 45 days if your ex hasn’t contacted you? Do you have to make the first move to break the no-contact? I’ve been posting great pictures on Facebook that a lot of our mutual friends have liked and I’m about to go on vacation and I’m sure he will see all this on social media. Since he’s the one who broke up with me, I feel like if he can see on social media how I’ve improved my life after the breakup, wouldn’t he be the one to get in touch with me since he did the breaking up? Do I really need to get in touch with him? I feel like if he sees that stuff and doesn’t reply, he’s not interested? Or could it be he may not know if I’ll give him another chance so I SHOULD break no-contact first? Thanks =)

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 14, 2017 at 12:08 pm

      Yes, you should initiate and then continue improving yourself and in posting while slowly building rapport..

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