Today we’re going to be talking about why letting go of an ex who doesn’t want you back can actually help you get them back.
Right off the bat, I’m going to tell you that this isn’t a typical article you’d see on my website or any of my peers.
This is not me trying to make you implement a strategy like the no contact rule or trying to sell you my step-by-step ex recovery program.
You can implement every “tried and tested” strategy for getting your ex back but that obsession may actually be hurting your chances and limiting your potential growth.
Everything I’m sharing today is based on over a decade of experience helping people get their exes back and some recent inspiration from interviewing multiple success stories of our program.
So, this is my greatest observation (backed by real-life stories):
Letting Go Of An Ex After A Breakup Is Important
The biggest mistake people make when they’re trying to get their ex back is focusing too much on their exes and not enough on themselves.
Think about it – most strategies in this process are geared towards deliberately making your ex want you back or improving your future relationship, but it needs to run deeper than that. Even the concept of “we need to create this new and better relationship” has something to do with your ex.
Where do you come in? Where do your personal growth and healing fit in?
Because when your ex breaks up with you, whether you like it or not, it’s them admitting that they think they can do better than you. It’s them basically saying I don’t want you back leave me alone. And that can take a huge toll on your self-confidence and self-esteem, especially if you’re trying to get your ex back.
Okay then, what actually works?
What we have found over the years is that if you want to try to approach getting your ex back, you have to first train yourself to let go of them.
The Moving On Without Moving On Approach
I know this sounds paradoxical but this “moving on” mentality is the biggest common denominator in all our success stories, who I have been steadily interviewing over the past few months.
Honestly, these interviews are super unique, because I think most of my peers are afraid to do this.
They might not have as many success stories to share or people may not be interesting in coming on an hour-long podcast to share their experiences.
But I’ve successfully created a private Facebook community where all my clients feel connected and that makes them willing to share their experiences to help others in their journeys of getting back with their exes.
Now when I sit down with these success stories, I’m not looking for any brownie points or pats on the back about how awesome our process was (although, that certainly doesn’t hurt), I’m trying to understand the nitty-gritty of what ACTUALLY helped them.
It doesn’t matter if they followed my whole process to a T because they obviously did something right and I want to learn from them and see if I can identify any common patterns.
As I said, the single greatest common thread in all my success stories is this concept of moving on or letting go… while still being ready to take your ex back if they want.
Essentially- you need to lose the guy to get the guy.
When you let your ex go and basically stop caring about whether they come back, you gain so much leverage for when you actually start talking to your ex.
Still, despite the proven success of this mindset, most people simply aren’t willing to do that or even give it an honest effort. The problem here isn’t in explaining this concept to people, it’s teaching them to get to an emotional place where they’re secure enough to stop caring about their ex so much.
See, you’re bound to experience lots of different emotions when you’re trying to get over someone with this paradox of still wanting them back. So ultimately, you’ll go through bouts of anger and rage and have kind of a bit of a victim of mentality.
So let’s talk about how you can overcome those concepts of rage, anger, and victim mentality and weaponize them to actually enrich your own life.
Getting Over The Victim Mentality After The Breakup
Something that we see quite often is something along the lines of – my ex broke up with me, therefore I am the victim.
Well, I hate to break it to you, but life isn’t fair. Horrible things happen to good people all the time.
The truth is it can be heart-wrenching. And if you’re having one of those dark days, it’s okay. It’s totally okay to let yourself feel that pain and fear of thinking you may never get your ex back of the breakup was somehow your fault.
But you do have a choice to let that victim mentality break you or to use it as fuel and embrace the challenge.
Oftentimes, you’ll hear me talk about this acronym called F.E.A.R, which is basically about two different ways you can deal with fear: Face Everything And Run or Face Everything And Rise.
Unfortunately, the first option is the easy way out and that’s what most people do because they’re afraid to admit that they can do better.
It’s ultimately up to you, but I have found that people who take extreme ownership, even in cases where they’re not truly at fault, tend to have better chances of success.
They tend to have better outlooks that help them achieve their goals.
On the other side, people who look at life as this victim and as if everyone’s out to get them – that becomes their reality.
This concept they’ve constructed in their mind just overcomes everything.
And ultimately when enough of this victim mentality builds and builds and collides with other emotions, you are bound to experience rage and anger.
You start looking for people to blame and it’s never yourself.
I’m not saying you should be blaming yourself, all I’m saying is that the victim mentality creates and manifests new problems instead of solving old ones. It brings about a lot of anger and rage that just hurts your chances of getting back with your ex.
Getting Over Rage Or Anger After A Breakup
Let’s talk about the rage and anger you are experiencing at this very moment after the breakup.
For the longest time, I’ve been obsessed with this theme of revenge.
For whatever reason, I have this odd fascination with watching stories or reading books that have to do with revenge.
(Shout out to the OG revenge tale, The Count of Monte Cristo)
I love a good revenge tale, but ultimately, I’ve noticed an interesting pattern with revenge:
Every revenge story always ends up in the same place – the revenge hurts someone innocent and it’s never worth it in the end.
As an aspiring author, I’m always looking for a unique take on the tired trope of “when you set out for revenge dig two graves instead of one.”
I’ve been asking everyone around me about their take on revenge, so I can understand different approaches to the internal rage that stems from the need for revenge.
The best answer I’ve ever heard is to use that rage and anger as fuel to improve your life.
After a breakup, you are bound to replay it in your mind thousands of times because it’s just kind of impossible to turn it off when it’s sitting at the forefront.
You’re gonna think back to all the mean things your ex said and that’ll make you really angry, maybe even wanting to lash back at them.
But probably the best use of anger rather than putting it back at them is to use it and weaponize it for your own purposes. You need to make them regret their words not by trying to get revenge on them, but by bettering your own life.
I know the whole “work on yourself” thing has become a cliché that people knock down, but why? Why is it such a wild concept to think that working on yourself when you’re hurting is better than the alternative – being on a warpath to hurt your ex back?
Find A Purpose Outside Of Your Ex
I’ve long believed that without purpose our lives kind of lose meaning.
I think the big mistake most people make when they’re dating someone is that their whole life purpose becomes about that person. They can’t imagine life without that person, so when that person leaves, it feels like they’ve lost our purpose in life.
But I think therein lies the problem – your life purpose shouldn’t be a relationship, it should be something else.
A friend of mine usually says you need to find something that sets your soul on fire – something you’re super passionate about. I call this concept your Magnum Opus in life and it’s what you want to be remembered for when you die. Is your relationship with your ex your Magnum Opus?
No, it has to be something else. So you should use the anger and rage you feel from this break up to funnel it into your purpose. Not only will focusing on your life’s work help you let go of your ex but will also show your ex a whole new side to you.
A lot of times when I’m talking to men, who go through breakups, the number one reason they break up with you is that they feel they peeled back all the layers and know everything there is to know about you.
But if you can show these hidden depths that weren’t available when they were dating you, it’s almost like you became a new person to them. You’ve become even more attractive to them.
That’s why I firmly believe that letting go of your ex to work on yourself more is actually the best mindset to have if you want your ex to be intrigued in you again.
The best thing you can do for yourself (and your relationship with your ex) is to fix your priorities so that instead of focusing so much on your ex, you start pushing yourself to better yourself and achieving your life’s goals.
Once you get to the mindset of not really caring whether your ex comes back, you’ll automatically be that much more attractive to them!