Today we’re going to be talking about why letting go of an ex who doesn’t want you back can actually help you get them back.
Right off the bat, I’m going to tell you that this isn’t a typical article you’d see on my website or any of my peers.
This is not me trying to make you implement a strategy like the no contact rule or trying to sell you my step-by-step ex recovery program.
Why?
You can implement every “tried and tested” strategy for getting your ex back but that obsession may actually be hurting your chances and limiting your potential growth.
Everything I’m sharing today is based on over a decade of experience helping people get their exes back and some recent inspiration from interviewing multiple success stories of our program.
So, this is my greatest observation (backed by real-life stories):
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizLetting Go Of An Ex After A Breakup Is Important
The biggest mistake people make when they’re trying to get their ex back is focusing too much on their exes and not enough on themselves.
Think about it – most strategies in this process are geared towards deliberately making your ex want you back or improving your future relationship, but it needs to run deeper than that. Even the concept of “we need to create this new and better relationship” has something to do with your ex.
Where do you come in? Where do your personal growth and healing fit in?
Because when your ex breaks up with you, whether you like it or not, it’s them admitting that they think they can do better than you. It’s them basically saying I don’t want you back leave me alone. And that can take a huge toll on your self-confidence and self-esteem, especially if you’re trying to get your ex back.
Okay then, what actually works?
What we have found over the years is that if you want to try to approach getting your ex back, you have to first train yourself to let go of them.
The Moving On Without Moving On Approach
I know this sounds paradoxical but this “moving on” mentality is the biggest common denominator in all our success stories, who I have been steadily interviewing over the past few months.
Honestly, these interviews are super unique, because I think most of my peers are afraid to do this.
They might not have as many success stories to share or people may not be interesting in coming on an hour-long podcast to share their experiences.
But I’ve successfully created a private Facebook community where all my clients feel connected and that makes them willing to share their experiences to help others in their journeys of getting back with their exes.
Now when I sit down with these success stories, I’m not looking for any brownie points or pats on the back about how awesome our process was (although, that certainly doesn’t hurt), I’m trying to understand the nitty-gritty of what ACTUALLY helped them.
It doesn’t matter if they followed my whole process to a T because they obviously did something right and I want to learn from them and see if I can identify any common patterns.
As I said, the single greatest common thread in all my success stories is this concept of moving on or letting go… while still being ready to take your ex back if they want.
Essentially- you need to lose the guy to get the guy.
When you let your ex go and basically stop caring about whether they come back, you gain so much leverage for when you actually start talking to your ex.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizStill, despite the proven success of this mindset, most people simply aren’t willing to do that or even give it an honest effort. The problem here isn’t in explaining this concept to people, it’s teaching them to get to an emotional place where they’re secure enough to stop caring about their ex so much.
See, you’re bound to experience lots of different emotions when you’re trying to get over someone with this paradox of still wanting them back. So ultimately, you’ll go through bouts of anger and rage and have kind of a bit of a victim of mentality.
So let’s talk about how you can overcome those concepts of rage, anger, and victim mentality and weaponize them to actually enrich your own life.
Getting Over The Victim Mentality After The Breakup
Something that we see quite often is something along the lines of – my ex broke up with me, therefore I am the victim.
Well, I hate to break it to you, but life isn’t fair. Horrible things happen to good people all the time.
The truth is it can be heart-wrenching. And if you’re having one of those dark days, it’s okay. It’s totally okay to let yourself feel that pain and fear of thinking you may never get your ex back of the breakup was somehow your fault.
But you do have a choice to let that victim mentality break you or to use it as fuel and embrace the challenge.
Oftentimes, you’ll hear me talk about this acronym called F.E.A.R, which is basically about two different ways you can deal with fear: Face Everything And Run or Face Everything And Rise.
Unfortunately, the first option is the easy way out and that’s what most people do because they’re afraid to admit that they can do better.
It’s ultimately up to you, but I have found that people who take extreme ownership, even in cases where they’re not truly at fault, tend to have better chances of success.
They tend to have better outlooks that help them achieve their goals.
On the other side, people who look at life as this victim and as if everyone’s out to get them – that becomes their reality.
This concept they’ve constructed in their mind just overcomes everything.
And ultimately when enough of this victim mentality builds and builds and collides with other emotions, you are bound to experience rage and anger.
You start looking for people to blame and it’s never yourself.
I’m not saying you should be blaming yourself, all I’m saying is that the victim mentality creates and manifests new problems instead of solving old ones. It brings about a lot of anger and rage that just hurts your chances of getting back with your ex.
Getting Over Rage Or Anger After A Breakup
Let’s talk about the rage and anger you are experiencing at this very moment after the breakup.
For the longest time, I’ve been obsessed with this theme of revenge.
For whatever reason, I have this odd fascination with watching stories or reading books that have to do with revenge.
(Shout out to the OG revenge tale, The Count of Monte Cristo)
I love a good revenge tale, but ultimately, I’ve noticed an interesting pattern with revenge:
Every revenge story always ends up in the same place – the revenge hurts someone innocent and it’s never worth it in the end.
As an aspiring author, I’m always looking for a unique take on the tired trope of “when you set out for revenge dig two graves instead of one.”
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizI’ve been asking everyone around me about their take on revenge, so I can understand different approaches to the internal rage that stems from the need for revenge.
The best answer I’ve ever heard is to use that rage and anger as fuel to improve your life.
After a breakup, you are bound to replay it in your mind thousands of times because it’s just kind of impossible to turn it off when it’s sitting at the forefront.
You’re gonna think back to all the mean things your ex said and that’ll make you really angry, maybe even wanting to lash back at them.
But probably the best use of anger rather than putting it back at them is to use it and weaponize it for your own purposes. You need to make them regret their words not by trying to get revenge on them, but by bettering your own life.
I know the whole “work on yourself” thing has become a cliché that people knock down, but why? Why is it such a wild concept to think that working on yourself when you’re hurting is better than the alternative – being on a warpath to hurt your ex back?
Find A Purpose Outside Of Your Ex
I’ve long believed that without purpose our lives kind of lose meaning.
I think the big mistake most people make when they’re dating someone is that their whole life purpose becomes about that person. They can’t imagine life without that person, so when that person leaves, it feels like they’ve lost our purpose in life.
But I think therein lies the problem – your life purpose shouldn’t be a relationship, it should be something else.
A friend of mine usually says you need to find something that sets your soul on fire – something you’re super passionate about. I call this concept your Magnum Opus in life and it’s what you want to be remembered for when you die. Is your relationship with your ex your Magnum Opus?
No, it has to be something else. So you should use the anger and rage you feel from this break up to funnel it into your purpose. Not only will focusing on your life’s work help you let go of your ex but will also show your ex a whole new side to you.
A lot of times when I’m talking to men, who go through breakups, the number one reason they break up with you is that they feel they peeled back all the layers and know everything there is to know about you.
But if you can show these hidden depths that weren’t available when they were dating you, it’s almost like you became a new person to them. You’ve become even more attractive to them.
That’s why I firmly believe that letting go of your ex to work on yourself more is actually the best mindset to have if you want your ex to be intrigued in you again.
Conclusion:
The best thing you can do for yourself (and your relationship with your ex) is to fix your priorities so that instead of focusing so much on your ex, you start pushing yourself to better yourself and achieving your life’s goals.
Once you get to the mindset of not really caring whether your ex comes back, you’ll automatically be that much more attractive to them!
J
November 1, 2020 at 8:58 pm
My ex swiped right on me on tinder eventhough he ended things. I had done no contact after the breakup and gradually built back rapport, to a point where we would speak to each other comfortably and flirt etc like we used to, eventually he started getting more sexual in his messages and things got tense again. I basically asked him to hang out again and he said we were just friends and rejected me. He confirmed his intentions and said he didnt want to pursue anything with me and just wanted to be friends. 2 months later of little contact from me except for polite professionalism at work and occasional tense moments, I see he has swiped right on me on tinder. I left it be and when i came across him a few times I just closed the app so his profile was gone. I was upset though and confused because he had made himself clear although i cant help but hope for things. Today however, he popped up again and i accidently swiped right on his profile, i honestly didnt mean to but it matched us. I knew it wouldnt be good and sure enough he messaged and apologised for matching with me, saying he knew it was inappropiate and didnt mean it, hoping it wouldnt change things and make me stop talking to him at work and bring stuff up for me, hoping id find what i was looking for. Im angry and sad and I dont know why he would swipe right on me and why is he so dead set on not being with me. I want things to change and for him to want to try a relationship with me but I dont know how to be anymore, it hurts to engage with him on a personal level but I also dont want to push him further away and think of me negatively because i cant talk to him.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 1, 2020 at 9:35 pm
Hi J, so the first thing you need to do is avoid proper contact with him for a while – read about limited no contact. And work on yourself in that time to be the best version of yourself, reading articles about being Ungettable girl and knowing that your ex is still around means that you can work on yourself and let him feel that you are letting go and moving on.
Sara
October 24, 2020 at 6:04 pm
So I was dating this guy for about a month back in May there were signs he wasn’t serious but I ignored it because we had a lot in common. He eventually ghosted me for 3 weeks. When he did contact me he just wanted sex and I denied him of that. I did slip up and sleep with him 2 months later but stopped talking to him for 3 months he contacted me and asked for another chance at a relationship? We are now taking things slow to see if we are compatible to be in a relationship he has been more attentive and sweet to me now than he was back in May when we first met. I’ve decided to wait until the end of November it will be 2 months after dating to see if I want to take things to the next level. My biggest issue with him is he has pictures of an ex who is his baby’s mom on an old Facebook account. For me I’m not like that I don’t have my exes pictures up on my social media. I’m afraid to get close to him as I feel he might have feelings for her even though he says there’s nothing there. The only sign that makes me fear this is that he still has the pictures up I get it’s an old account he doesn’t use anymore but it still scares me. I guess my question is how do I know he’s not using me I don’t have any signs I’ve read about rebounds other than we haven’t been fully together for that long
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 25, 2020 at 10:15 am
Hi Sara, so the issue is that she is MORE than just an ex. She is his childs mother and is always going to be in his life, if you cannot deal with that then I suggest you walk away now because if you are going to have an issue with him being around her, thats going to be a constant issue in your relationship. They share a child. Having photos of his past on his “old Facebook” is a really immature attitude as he has a past, just as you do. I’d suggest that you take this on board before progressing with your relationship with him.
Jean
September 29, 2020 at 11:43 am
Hi
im replying to the message below that I wrote.
He has said we shouldnt speak anymore because it is unhealthy and we can’t stay friends either. He said he wasnt going to reply to me anymore.
Should I do no contact? then try speaking to him again?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 29, 2020 at 5:48 pm
Hi Jean, yes if you want to try to get him back, then follow a 45 day No Contact and then reach out after that. Make sure that you use this time to work on yourself
Jean
September 11, 2020 at 10:15 pm
I did no contact properly. Then reached out and he was hot and cold. I had not seen him in 7 months due to lockdown but finally saw him last week. We spoke about where we went wrong and said it was both our faults for not communicating clearly when we had a problem with the other person. I asked him if we could try again and he said no. Weirdly, I had so much fun that day with him (nothing physical) but it didnt feel any different.
We still texted about the relationship. I asked again to get back and he said no. He also said he felt nothing when he saw me and he wants to move on. I genuinely think the relationship could work it was a misunderstanding but he is so stubborn.
What do I do now?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 28, 2020 at 5:52 pm
Hi Jean, you need to stop asking him to get back together because he has just had a conversation with you about why it didnt work. I suggest you read some more articles on this website about how to get your ex to invest into you, talking to you and spending time with you where he is having fun and having a good time together. But this is going to take time and you need to stop asking him to get back together, it needs to feel like it was his idea.
Kristin Peddle
September 6, 2020 at 12:55 pm
Hi,
My ex of 3 years broke up with me 4 months ago (on and off relationship mostly on his part,) I did no contact for 30 days and eventually we texted and had a few dates. Ended up sleeping together a couple times but he has recently told me, he’s not wanting to jump back into a relationship at this point and needs time. I have read your pro program thoroughly. I think because we’ve slept together, it has complicated any progression. Where do I go from here? Thanks
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 25, 2020 at 7:17 pm
Hi Kristin, so if you slept together and he then told you he didnt want to get back, then you would need to go back into another NC
Jane
August 28, 2020 at 1:13 pm
I did take your advice and did not discuss the ghosting or anything. He did give me the name of his mechanic and I responded with thank you and that I hope he’s been doing well. Nothing. Left on read. Pretty sure I’m just going to be done with it. Not sure where to go from there?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 31, 2020 at 7:23 pm
Hey Jane thats a good first reach out, remember its about small neutral to positive conversations. Next you could move on to something that you know he would be interested in – hobby, movies, music etc.
Charlene
August 19, 2020 at 12:10 pm
I broke up with my ex about 2 weeks ago. He was having doubts in the first place so I decided to have a conversation about the future with him. This conversation came from a place of strength and not weakness and I asked if wanted to work on us for the future. He decided no and apologised. He wanted to carry on talking but I put an end to it and said what’s the point. He said he’d never marry me and didn’t see a future with me. It was an age gap relationship and he is also avoidant and I’m anxious.
Since the split I have been working in my self-esteem and jealousy issues. I have worked on my health and regaining control of my life. I still however get a nagging feeling that he might be moving on. He reached out twice with just a hi and then a longer message but more formal, a can we talk before we go back to work. I did not respond (currently in nc) at all and fear that he’s now given up. We were together for 5 years (broke up before). Do I stand a chance of getting him back even if I was the one that instigated the conversation about the future? He’s quite lazy about commitment. Please advise.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 27, 2020 at 12:58 pm
Hey Charlene, you dealt with the break up brilliantly so well done you! And I think you could get him back, but I worry that you’ll be breaking up again if he is set on not getting married etc, and you want those things for yourself. If he is not wanting to make those commitments to you then you need to decide if you want to be with him in this dating/relationship situation or do you think you can meet someone else who you will love and get what you want for yourself too.
Jane
August 17, 2020 at 11:17 pm
My ex and I dated for a few months and he went completely silent on me. I removed him from my social media cause really, ghosting someone isn’t okay. About a week later he apologized profusely and said he felt like he couldn’t give me what I deserved. Well, okay. I’m sorry life is rough, but I’m not asking for a ring on my finger right now! Anyway, while we dated he was boat shopping and would send me all these boats and details and aspects and wanted my opinion on them! He finally bought one and we went out on it quite a bit. We both love being outside and fishing! Well, I recently had an opportunity to buy a family members old boat and it needs a couple of small fixes. I’ve googled so much it’s unreal for a reliable mechanic and I can’t find anything. I know he has a contact, and a place for parts. Would this be a good way to break no contact, by just saying I remember him having a contact, could he please share? And leaving it at that?! My NC is up in about a week…
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 27, 2020 at 12:55 pm
Hey Jane, yes this is something that you could use to reach out for the first time, make sure that you do not go into emotional conversations but keep your conversation fun and short