What are you supposed to do if you are trying to get an ex boyfriend back who is recently divorced?
Let’s find out!
In this episode we here from Vicki who is trying to get her ex boyfriend back who was married for 20 years and just got out of a divorce. She is wondering if she should continue trying to get him back or just move on.
Well, if you listen to the episode above I give a pretty complex answer to this question.
Here is a quick look at Vicki’s situation,
- Her ex is recently divorced
- She has been sending texts and getting neutral responses
- She is always the one initiating the texts
- Seems to have followed my rules perfectly
- Wonders if she even has a good shot?
Here are some of the things I cover in this episode,
Things Covered In This Episode
- What I think happened in Vicki’s situation
- What is going on in a mans mind that is recently divorced
- The rebound factor
- How the grass is greener syndrome may pop up
- How in 20 years his options may be limited
- The HOLY TRINITY
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizIMPORTANT Links Mentioned In This Episode
- Review The Podcast On iTunes
- Episode 3 Of The Podcast (I made a mistake and said episode 2 )
- Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO (my E-Book)
- Record A Message For Me To Answer On The Podcast
The Game Plan For Getting A Divorced Ex Back
After some thinking I decided that Vicki’s game plan be tailored around an idea that I really don’t talk about very much on this site.
I like to call it the trinity!
Basically she should focus on self improvement and moving on without moving on to increase the odds of getting her ex boyfriend back.
The trinity is made up of three ideas.
Health..
Wealth..
Relationships…
The idea is that all of these aspects of her life are interconnected and if she positively impacts one it will impact the others.
So Vicki, make sure you focus on all of these aspects of your life.
Podcast Transcript
Welcome to Episode 13 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I’m excited to have you here today. Before we get started, if you haven’t already subscribed or reviewed the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast on iTunes, please take five minutes out of your day and do so.
That would really help the survival of this podcast and help it continue to thrive. That is essential in the long run for this podcast. I’m going to put a link in the show notes of this episode on my website, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, on how you can do that.
Let’s move on to today’s question from Vicky. Vicky is in an interesting situation. She is trying to get her ex-boyfriend back who is recently divorced. Let’s hear from her now:
“Hi, Chris. My name is Vicky. My ex broke up with me because he was falling for me, but since he was recently divorced, he wasn’t really ready for a long-term relationship. That’s what he told me, at least. I completely understood it. He was married for nearly 20 years. He wanted his time to be single.
Rather than cheat on me, he decided to break up with me so that he could go sow his wild oats. After a few weeks, I looked through your website and I decided to buy the book. I followed the rules. I did a 30 day no contact. Then I sent a text. I got slightly better than a neutral response, so I sent a second text a few days later. That response was a little more neutral.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizI decided to wait a couple weeks and went back into no contact for about 10 more days. Then I sent another text. The latest was definitely a neutral response. He wasn’t mean. He’s never been mean to me, but it was a pretty neutral response. He also never initiates conversation with me. It’s always me starting the texts. He never tried to contact me during no contact.
I’m curious. Just be straight with me. As a guy, do you think it’s not looking good for reconciliation this time? I completely understand if it’s not. I would love to have him back, but life goes on if not. I’m curious what your take would be on this. Thank you.”
Thank you, Vicky, for recording that message. It’s a very interesting situation you’ve found yourself in. I have to say, I really love the attitude you had at the end there. If things don’t work out, life goes on. That’s a really good attitude to have. In my opinion, the most successful people at getting their exes back have happiness in their life. They have that exact mindset, and you have it. That’s a great thing to have. Never lose it.
For those of you listening who didn’t catch Vicky’s situation, here’s a quick recap. She was dating a guy who was recently divorced from his wife of 20 years. She bought my ebook, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. She put it into practice. It seems like she put it into practice flawlessly and got a better-than-neutral response when she finally reached out after the no contact rule with a text message.
As time went on, she kept trying to text and he gave her neutral responses. He was never mean but it seems like he broke up with her so that he could sleep around and experience single life. Vicky is wondering if it’s even worth it anymore, if she has a really good shot of getting him back.
I’m going to divide this episode up into three different sections. Section one is what I think may have potentially happened in Vicky’s situation to bring her where she is now. I’ll talk about what was going through his mind. The second part of this episode is going to cover the realization that her ex-boyfriend may come to have over time. The third part is going to be the game plan that I will give Vicky to move forward.
Let’s talk about potentially what may have happened with her ex-boyfriend. Vicky said a few interesting things in her explanation. She said that her boyfriend broke up with her so he wouldn’t cheat on her. That tells me one thing.
It tells me that, in his relationship with his ex-wife, he probably didn’t cheat on her. He was a very faithful guy. That’s a good quality to have, of course. But over the course of 20 years, now that he’s free and doesn’t have to be faithful to his wife anymore, he’s probably interested in trying out other women, so to speak.
What I think happened is, Vicky, you may have come on a little too strong or slept with him a little too fast. It seems to me this is a little about sex. He just got out of the divorce. He’s ready to “experience” other women. You were the first one. He really enjoyed you and liked you. It seems like he was falling for you, but you may have slept with him a little too soon. What happened after he slept with you is that he lowered your value. He had nothing to work for anymore.
If you could go back in time, my advice would be to keep him on the hook for a long time. Make sure he’s constantly chasing you. The more he has invested into chasing you, the more he’s going to invest into the relationship. He was falling for you. He was starting to invest in you. But when you slept with him a little too fast, he lowered your value. As a result, he’s ready to experience new things.
What also may have happened is that you may have been the very first girl he dated after his divorce. I’m going to be straight with you here. It could potentially be rebound territory. When you’re with someone for 20 years, I don’t think there’s just one rebound. To me, it seems like if he dates or experiences other girls, they would all be rebounds as well. He’s just doing it, as you said, to sow his oats.
Another thing that comes to mind when I look at your situation is that you may have been too available for him. You may have given him too much attention. It seems to me like you are a very smart woman. I can tell that from your question and the way you were talking. It seems like you’re very logical but you may have gotten a little too over excited with the fact that he liked you or was falling for you. You gave him a little too much attention. That may have contributed to him wanting to experience more outside of you.
As I’m about to explain, that may not necessarily be a bad thing. He’s so dead set on finding someone new. That might actually work against him and work in your favor.
Let’s move onto the second part of this episode. I want to talk about a realization that he may come to have over time, as he experiences more in relationships. There’s one big thing that springs to mind here. He was married to his wife for 20 years. That’s a pretty long time. Assuming that he was around the average age that men are when they get married, which is 27 or 28, that puts him around his mid or late 40s.
Your dating options are a little bit more limited when you are that age, even as a man. He may think, “I’m going to get all of these girls. I’m mid-40s. I’ve got a good life. I’ve got a good job. They’ll be attracted to me, of course.” What he may come to realize is, the reality he thinks is going to occur is different than the reality that actually plays out.
It’s not as easy as he may think it is out there. He’s not the strapping young guy back when he was in his mid-20s when he first met his wife. I’m assuming, if he was with his wife for 20 years, that he also has kids. That turns some women off. Not many women want to come in and be the stepmom. They want their own kids. Some women get scared off by men who have children. The baggage of the ex-wife comes into play a little bit. It may not be as easy as he thinks out there to date or get other girls.
This can cause the grass is greener syndrome to crop up. Maybe he goes out there and comes to the realization that, “It’s actually not as easy as I thought. It’s pretty hard to date right now.” Then he thinks back to you, Vicky. He thinks, “I really was starting to fall for her. Maybe it was just a little too soon for me.” Then he may value you highly again and potentially come back to you.
This leads us to our game plan for you, Vicky. I think you have a very unique situation in that you’re trying to get a man back who is not in a place where he wants to be in a relationship. I guarantee you, sometime in the future, he will want to be in a relationship. Right now, it seems like he’s just not in the mental place for it. That means you might have to wait if you want to get him back.
Here’s my recommendation to you. If you really want this guy back—I’m not saying you should get him back. You’re a smart woman. Sometimes moving on is the best thing for you. If you really do want to get him back, I recommend that self-improvement is the way to go. Improve yourself because you can’t control him.
Let’s look at the factors you can control when it comes to getting him back. You can’t control what he does or says. But you can control what you do. What I’d like you to do is work on the holy trinity. The holy trinity is this idea I came up with about a year ago.
I’ve not really made it public on the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery website yet. That’s mostly because it’s a complex idea. Right now, I’m creating a product that is going to feature it extensively. It’s too good to pass up in this situation. I really think it will help you, Vicky, to get your ex back or help you improve your life.
What is the holy trinity? The three major areas of your life are health, wealth and relationships. All three of these areas are interconnected. What happens to one affects the other. For example, let’s say you are heartbroken over this breakup with your ex-boyfriend. You’re so heartbroken that you can’t eat any food. That would negatively impact your health. You’re heartbroken and you can’t eat any food. This goes into the relationship aspect of your life. Not eating food goes into the health aspect of your life.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThen let’s say that you decide to go to work in this depression. You’re not going to perform your best at work if you’re depressed over your relationship and you’re not eating. Maybe you slip up at work and get fired. That all occurred because of this breakup.
The ideas is that, what happens to one of these aspects of your life–health, wealth and relationships—affects the other. If something negative happens to relationships, your wealth and health are going to take a hit. If something positive happens to your relationships, your wealth and health will take a positive infusion.
You’re already working on your relationships. You bought my book, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. You have already clearly demonstrated that you are willing to work on your relationships. Maybe you go out on a few dates with other people. You could work on your relationships that way.
The thing I want you to focus on specifically are the health and wealth aspects of your life. A positive impact on these two areas of your life will automatically create a positive impact on your relationships.
Let me give you an example. Let’s say that you get in great shape. You’re feeling confident as a result of being good looking. Maybe you could stand to lose 10 pounds. You go to the gym. You work really hard. You lose 10 pounds. You’re feeling confident. That confidence positively impacts your work. You want to do a good job at work.
All of a sudden, you’re super confident. You’re even more confident than you were when you lost 10 pounds because, not only are you doing a great job on the health aspect of your life, you’re doing an incredible job on the wealth aspect of your life as well. This creates super confidence.
That, of course, bleeds over into your relationships. There is this funny thing that tends to happen. Your ex tends to notice out of the blue. In Episode 2, this happened to a woman. I will link to that in the show notes for you, Vicky.
My plan for you, Vicky, is to use self-improvement to get him back, if you want him back. It’s also a simultaneous way of healing and getting over him, if that’s the case. Let’s stay on this track of getting over him. If we stay on this track, I feel compelled to mention that I’m also known for this idea of moving on without moving on.
This is something that the woman in Episode 2 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast experienced. She moved on with her life and bettered her life. She worked on the self-improvement aspect of her life. But she always had feelings for her ex. Her ex started coming back to her. I don’t know if she got him back. He started reaching out to her, telling her he was proud and that he missed her.
In addition to working on the health, wealth and relationships aspect of your life, try moving on without moving on. Eventually, your ex-boyfriend is going to come to the realization that, “My options aren’t as good as they used to be. They’re limited.” You’re moving on with your life and not sitting around, twiddling your thumbs, hoping, “Maybe he’ll come back tomorrow.” Another day passes and you’re sitting there, thinking, “Maybe he’ll come back tomorrow.”
Pretty soon, you realize that three years have gone by and you’re at a standstill with your love life. Don’t do that. Don’t stand still. Move on without moving on. Move on and heal. But in the back of your mind, be open to the idea of him coming back. It’s a very difficult strategy to explain. A lot of times, someone who has truly moved on doesn’t want anything to do with their ex.
This is moving on and improving your life with the idea that maybe he will come back. Then, after a certain time, maybe you’ll have healed up enough that you’ll meet the love of your life and it isn’t your ex. Or maybe you’ll heal up enough, your ex takes notice and wants to come back. He might have the grass is greener syndrome where he thinks, “My options aren’t as good as I thought. I didn’t realize how good I had it with Vicky. I want to come back to her.”
Vicky, that is my strategy for you. Also, I want to add a small side note here. Thank you so much, Vicky, for purchasing Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. I am really glad that you took that chance. It seems like, even though it’s not working perfectly, you were on the right track with the no contact rule. I think that can be very effective for you.
For anyone listening, Vicky’s situation was a little bit strange. It’s not your normal situation. Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro was meant to help women in long-distance relationships, women who have been cheated on and women who have cheated on their exes. I had one case of a woman who got her ex back when she cheated on her ex. She got her ex to propose to her.
Vicky’s situation is very unique in the fact that she was dating someone who just got out of a relationship of 20 years. Maybe he wasn’t in the right place emotionally yet. He will get in it eventually. He wasn’t in the right place emotionally to date. Vicky, thank you so much for asking your question. I really hope I helped.
If you’re listening to this and would like to ask a question, I’m going to put information in the show notes of this episode on how to do that. If you haven’t already picked up my book, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro, please take some time out of your day and look at the sales page for that. There is a lot you can learn on the sales page, even if you don’t buy the book. Go ahead and do that.
Thank you for listening. I will see you tomorrow for Episode 14.
Numb
May 6, 2018 at 11:34 pm
I got with my boyfriend just over a year after his divorce, we were together for nearly a year. Before we broke up, We lived together for about 2 months & during this time he started sabotaging. We had an argument, I felt like he was grasping at straws for reasons to end it & he broke up with me. He didn’t wanna end it. A few weeks after no contact, I sent him a letter, in which he replied, said he wasn’t planning on ending it n saying if I have questions to ask him. I did ask him a few questions, said he had enough. I’ve gone no contact for 5 months now, we broke up early november. I’m working on myself. Should I reach out n text him?
Chris Seiter
May 7, 2018 at 12:51 am
Hi Numb….what do you have to lose by reaching out, right. Consider picking up my “Texting Bible” ebook that will help you with the kind of text messages that might work (visit website Menu/Products link).
Numb
May 12, 2018 at 5:09 am
Thanks. He has avoidant attachment. What if he doesn’t reply, will i try again some other time?
Chris Seiter
May 12, 2018 at 5:51 am
Hi Numb….even those who are avoidant oriented poke their heads out eventually! I have a ton of clever texting samples in my ebook, The Texting Bible
Numb
May 12, 2018 at 1:56 pm
Ok. Hopefully i’m not at a disadvantage when he follows and/or adds other women. Thanks
Jodie
March 13, 2017 at 12:55 am
Hi I could do with some advice: to give a little background have only just found your website. I work fifo on a 4 weeks and 1 roster so have lived and worked with my ex for just over a year and we have been great mates all year with a brief 2 month whirlwind romance at the end of last year. He seperated from his wife at the start of this job she left and he didn’t want her to but was also quite stubborn in getting on with it and getting over her which he’s done a pretty good job of. He thinks the relationship has run its course but is still very sad about the whole thing and going through financial settlement now which he’s angry about. He has two grown boys who live with him at home and they are all very close, he was married for 20 years. So after being mates for a year we got together about November. I was a little hesitant as we work for a small company and the best team I’ve ever been on and I want to stay with them when this job finishes so didn’t want to jeapordize my position in case it didn’t work out. He pursued and pretty much convinced me to give it a go. It was really good and the more I got to know him the more I liked him, he was full on, wanting to introduce me to his friends family and boys when we get home (away from work) I thought it was going a bit fast at the time but he seemed to be very sure and handling it so I went along with it. Had Xmas break and he took me home and I met his youngest son and some of his mates, I then went on a hiking holiday on my own for a week, came back saw him for another day then I had to fly back to work. During this time he told his oldest son about me and he got a very negative response which pretty much put him into a tail spin. I knew something was up because he pulled back sharply. He was trying to articulate his way through it asking me to be patient while he works things out but it went on for a while so I broke it off which he was distressed about. He said he had no doubts about his feelings for me but he didn’t feel ready and I said to him I don’t want u to pursue me unless u feel ready. So since then I pulled right back from him and gave him heaps of space which is tricky given we work and socialise together but I managed to do this while maintaining high value and also under the spotlight of a work crew of men being the only female amongst them GAHHH!!!! A few months have passed and we seem to have settled into a good enough stride, we haven’t had any further conversation about our feelings, he seems to have taken my lead in getting on with things he’s going thru the financial settlement now with his ex which has knocked him a bit. I can tell sometimes that he’s still attracted to me just by watching him because it leaks out but other times I’m not sure he acts as though we are just mates which is what I’ve been doing the whole time.
And now this job is almost finished I leave site in two weeks and go home, and he will be finishing up in 6-8 weeks I’d expect. So unsure what to do!!! The boss of our company wants me on the crew for the next job which means I would meet him again then but that could be 3 or so months away. So not sure how to handle the next two weeks on site with him (he returns from his rostered break in a few days so haven’t seen him for a week) and then when I leave this job what to do after that. At the moment he rarely texts me and the very occasional one I’ve sent him he doesn’t respond to straight away sometimes all day or next day response and very neutral but when I see him in person I can see he’s still attracted. I think he felt rejected when I broke it off but he’s settled a lot since then too and I think he’s smart enough to see it’s done him some good to sort through his stuff. On the other hand, when his wife left he was very hurt and he cut her off for a long time he is very stubborn when he makes up his mind about something. I wonder if I should tell him that I still have feelings for him and that I just want him to be emotionally ready for something with me or just leave it, leave the job and do NC and move on without moving on and hopefully I work with the crew again down the track.. I think my main concern is that because I have not communicated how I feel at any point through this he may cut me off because he’s hurt and may think I don’t actually care at all. Sorry such a long post would appreciate any advice!!
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 15, 2017 at 10:47 am
Hi Jodie,
why not stay in the job and do nc?
check this one:
EBR 032: What To Do If You Work With Your Ex Boyfriend
Sofia
January 16, 2017 at 3:35 am
I wanted to ask if my situation applies to this article as well. I met a guy who was about 1.5 years out of his divorce.. his ex had an affair, he didn’t want to divorce but it’s done… also had a verbally abusive mother and grew up with codependency issues. I asked him a million times before we became official if he was ready for another relationship.. he swore to me he was. He’s dated a few girls after but I think I was his first serious relationship since divorce. It lasted about 5 months and he drove the whole thing. He was great in every way, I was so happy and thought he maybe the one. Then right after the holidays he started getting distant and weird. Told me he’s been feeling very sad, overwhelmed, inadequate and wasn’t sure where it all came from. Long story short, he went to see a counselor and his divorce became final around the holidays and he found out she was cheating around the holidays and I guess it brought up old feelings. Plus we were at a point where the infatuation phase was over and we were moving into love/attachement phase.. the counselor basically told him he still has lots of toxic shame and emotional baggage he hasn’t dealt with and shouldn’t be dating anyone right now.. he called and told me everything, cried about it, said I was the best thing that happened to him and was the only person that made him feel lovable but he has to give me up so he can heal. I agreed and it was a mutual breakup. He said he wanted to keep me updated on his progress and counseling and I agreed but I’m not sure I wanna be his emotional crutch anymore.. anyways. I’m feeling confused, lost, betrayed and not sure what to do.. I def want him to heal emotionally but how was it so easy for him to just drop everything with us if it was genuine? Should I do no contact when he reaches out? Should I just assume he’s emotionally unavailable and move on all together?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 16, 2017 at 7:33 pm
Hi Sofia,
I think he’s really confused..yep, ypu should do the no contact rule..
Lisa
December 31, 2016 at 7:47 pm
Hello
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 1, 2017 at 7:17 pm
Hi Lisa
Essie
January 15, 2016 at 4:30 am
It’s nice that all of these women at least were dating men who have them an explanation for ending things. I was seeing (casually but sexually exclusive, if that even makes sense) a freshly divorced guy for 10 months and he acted like everything was great right up until the end. In the last few weeks, he stopped initiating contact and would only respond to my occasional texts with claims of feeling depressed and vague promises to call me soon. After getting no holiday greetings of any kind or that promised phone call, I realized I was just beating my head against a wall and this man was never going to be honest about where we stood. I haven’t heard from him in a month. It’s been really hard to move on because I feel so used and disrespected. 10 months is a long time to string someone along. I really want to talk to him but I doubt it would do any good if I reached out. I’d probably just make myself look pathetic. I am starting to move on and feel better but I still cry sometimes when I think that I’ll never forget him and it was so easy for him to erase me. I doubt he’s given me a second thought in the past month.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 15, 2016 at 12:35 pm
Hi Essie,
Acknowledging that somebody isn’t giving what’s due for you is a sign that you value yourself and what from what you shared, I can see clearly that you value yourself. I commend you for that. Others would just have continued on being the victim because it’s easier than admitting that they deserve more. Try the No contact rule. Rebuild yourself to remember what makes you happy before he came along. Healing comes over time. You might not forget him immediately. In literal sense, you won’t forget him but the hurt will be gone when you think of him someday. He will be a reminder of your capacity to love somebody and yourself.
Sarah k
November 19, 2015 at 2:32 am
so the no contact is hard because we work together. however i appear happy and social around work. and i only talk to him casually. he is always watching me and gazing into my eyes when i come around. could he be like this only because im around and he likes the attention because he knows how i feel about him
Deirdre
September 7, 2015 at 8:57 am
Hi Chris,
My ex boyfriend was never married, however he did have a 14 year relationship with a woman to which he has 3 children. He was separated from her for 4 years before we got together and we were together 9 months. We’ve broken up twice now. The first time he broke it off over nothing and it took him 2-3 days to become a text gnat and begged me to come back and I did. He said he was scared and he wasn’t prepared to get hurt again. That was early days, but 5 months later we got into a fight and I was the one to break it off because I feel like I can’t handle my emotions when he takes me from fireworks to tornado’s… We didn’t fight a lot but when we did fight he had the advantage with 14 years experience of this type of relationship and I’m not the type of person who throws insults during an argument so I can’t handle it when he insults me. My experience previous to him was a 5 year relationship of virtually NO fighting even when we broke up. My question is do you think he’s pushing me away again? I really love this man and he hasn’t tried to take me back like he did the last time… I’m on day 10 of NC. I think he’s had his single time and he’s ready to get serious (he’s treated me like a queen) but I don’t know how to get passed the habits he took from his previous loveless relationship… If he still needs time to grow does this mean moving on?
Morgan
May 7, 2015 at 11:10 pm
Hi Chris,
I’m currently out of a relationship with my ex boyfriend of nine months and we broke up because he said that he didn’t have a “relationship mentality.” I didn’t quite know what to think when I told me this. I was hurt, sad, and I felt like it was nothing I could do at all about the situation. He told me he didn’t want me to feel mad at him and that he wanted to remain friends, but how can I be friends with someone I have loved and shared so much with? After the breakup we never talked about anything, he hasn’t tried to contact me of any sort and it makes me wonder why. Or did he even love me in the first place? His mom has been contacting me through the text and even writing posts about me on Facebook. I don’t want to be mean to her but it’s like I know she has to know that we aren’t together anymore. She recently sent me a package and it’s was the nicest thing ever. Its just making it harder for me to move forward. I recently contacted my ex to wish him good luck on his finals because my mom told me not to be mean to him. And I don’t have any hatred or anything towards him, I’m just respecting his decision and trying to move forward, but the conversation we had was more so him texting me with paragraphs that made it seem like he was interested in the conversation like he hasn’t talked to me in a while and was trying to catch up, but I don’t honestly don’t know and can’t tell because he is a very stubborn and nonchalant person. I just want to know what is he thinking right now? It’s been over almost 2 months and I don’t quite know what to do about our sotuation. Does that mean he’s interested again?
Sarah
March 14, 2015 at 12:53 am
Hi Chris,
Let say that this site and your book has helped me immensely over a very difficult time in my life.
I recently got out of a relationship with a guy who was going through a divorce. We met when his ex had just moved out and although the warning signs were there, that he might not be ready for a relationship, I ignored them as we had this amazing connection and a great time together.
We continued our relationship for 8 months, we made some great memories; went on a few vacations, we socialized with each other’s friends. I thought that we were really starting to move forward but this all came to a head when the day after we went to one of my friends wedding, he told me that he felt this was just “permanent dating” and he had no more gas in his tank to give me more. He went on to say how amazing I was and how I deserve more from a man, not someone who is only half there right now and he would be “irresponsible as a man to continue to lead me on”.
I felt hurt, used and taken for granted. This was a month ago, I started the no contact rule and we didn’t speak or communicate. I broke down today, and sent him a text just saying hi and that I would like to chat to him over the next few days if he is free. He responded immediately and said he would call me in the morning as he was going out with friends this evening.
We really didn’t leave on bad terms, but I am emotionally so messed up about this. I don’t even know what I even want to talk to him about or what to say when he does call…I just miss him SO MUCH! What the heck do I do?!
admin
March 15, 2015 at 4:31 pm
I think priority one for you is getting back to an emotional stable level.
You don’t have to pick up his call until you are ready to talk.
Remember that.
Sarah
March 17, 2015 at 7:34 pm
Well Chris, he called and we talked for nearly 2 hours. He said exactly what I thought, we are at different stages of our lives, and I deserve to be with someone who wants to move a relationship forward, he has just come out of a divorce and is no where near ready to move into another marriage or life with someone.
He did say that he misses my friendship and really made an effort to suggest we meet for dinner and see one another. Does this mean that he wants to see where this will go or does it mean that he wants to be friends only? Help!
admin
March 18, 2015 at 9:04 pm
Probably somewhere in between but to me it seems like he wants to keep his options open. Beware of the FWB trap.
Vicki
March 17, 2015 at 6:36 pm
Sarah, do you mind hearing from someone who has been there? As a matter of fact, this is my podcast…I’m Vicki. Your situation sounds exactly like mine. My relationship didn’t last as long as yours, but it’s the same story. He’s just not ready. I had a wonderful man and in a way he did me a favor by realizing he wasn’t ready for a long-term relationship. I truly believe he ended it because he didn’t want to hurt me by cheating on me and because he’d been in a relationship for so many years, he wanted to see what it’s like to be single. It hurt like hell…still kinda does, but I’m moving on and getting more and more comfortable with it every day.
For now, I’ve decided to just be done with it. It’s a mental state that you have to transition to. I’ve decided that rather than cling to the possibility of him coming back, I’m going to just be gone for a while. Longer than the standard 30 day no contact because this situation is different.
These men need to know what it’s like to be able to go out and have fun and not be tied down. They’ve been tied down and it’s their time to have fun.
I think eventually, as Chris says, they’ll finally realize that being single isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
So, for now I’ve disconnected from him. If he comes back, he comes back. If I’m available when he does, I might take him back. But for now, it’s time to mentally work on me and be the person I was before he came along. She was pretty cool. She was cool with him, but she’s cool without him too.
I hope you get through this. For now, work on Sarah and try to be happy.
I’m not sure if he helps you to read this, but at least you know you’re not in that boat alone. It took me a couple months to understand it, but now I do and I’m going to just let him be.
Good luck to you honey. I hope all turns out well for you. Keep smiling through the pain. (Fake it till you ARE it.)
Jessica
March 8, 2015 at 11:13 pm
Hi Chris
My exboyfriend told me not to put hope on getting back together after the breakup and he told me that I should move on with my life happily because he’s feeling guilty about breaking my heart, but his friends say that he kind of misses me and he’s comfortable with the breakup but not happy with it, should I take this as a good sign?
admin
March 13, 2015 at 3:43 pm
I am coming out with a new article today that is going to dissect that very question you are asking.
Sally
March 6, 2015 at 6:58 pm
Is triggering jealousy in an ex a bad thing if he’s been cheated on in previous relationships? My ex has trust issues because he’s been cheated on in the past (not by me) and I think he broke up with me 3 months ago to protect himself, even though I gave him no reason to think I’d cheat. I’ve been working on myself since the breakup, I’ve rejoined the dating website where I met my ex, and I’ve been asked out by somebody else on there – my ex knows this and he’s reacted quite strongly, he seems really upset and angry. Is this a good thing that he must still have feelings for me? Or a bad thing that I’ve made him think he wouldn’t now be able to trust me, given his history?
admin
March 7, 2015 at 6:06 pm
I think you have to be really subtle about it in that case.
Don’t be over obvious about it.
Vicki
March 6, 2015 at 12:59 am
Thank you Chris! You hit the nail on the head with what he wants. He wants to just go out and date without being tied down (I also translate that into “he wants to sleep around” but in reality, I am willing to bet he doesn’t…he says he wants that, but he’s not the type to do it.) I have been working on improving myself and my home actually and will keep on keeping on. I’ll give him space and time and occasionally pop into his phone with a text. I have gone on a couple dates (and lived through them) and will go on more when the opportunity arises. So, I guess I’m doing everything right. We’ll see what happens in our future.
admin
March 7, 2015 at 5:46 pm
Thats a good attitude to have.
You know, sometimes this process just takes time (which isnt the popular answer) but its the truth.
Vicki
March 12, 2015 at 5:22 pm
Adding to my last post, I do need to tell you why I love your site. You make me think. Now, I’m a mature adult. You figured that out with my original podcast question. We’re both in our 40’s. I’m a relatively intelligent professional woman and that proves that even old ladies (said with a laugh) can still pine for their exes. But, this site helps to make us think alternatively. There are blog posts that i’ve read that I actually say to myself “Duh! Why didn’t I think of that.” I’m reading one right now…about how long it takes. I know it takes time. And I knew from the start this wouldn’t happen in a month or even two. But this site just gives such great insight into the male mind as well as just plain human psychology (wants vs needs for example). So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for this site. Whether we get back together or not, this is a great tool for life in general. Keep it up.
admin
March 13, 2015 at 8:22 pm
Thanks for the kind words Vicki.
That is probably the best compliment you could ever give me. I like it when women connect to my content.
Vicki
March 16, 2015 at 1:50 pm
You’re welcome.
Vicki
March 10, 2015 at 8:00 pm
I had a short discussion with him via text about my texts. He’s definitely still not interested. Doesn’t really mind getting them, but doesn’t want to lead me on. I’m done. I have to be. Sad as it is to say and comprehend, I have to move on. Everything is deleted so the temptation isn’t there. (Numbers are written down in a safe place if needed at a much, much later date).
admin
March 13, 2015 at 6:48 pm
I am sorry to hear that Vicki, I can also offer you help with getting over him.
Vicki
April 7, 2015 at 1:39 pm
It’s me again. I’ll try to keep this brief.
I wrote that I was giving up and moving on and I pretty much have. The last communication I had with him, I just flat out asked if he minded when I texted him. His reply: “Hm, good question. I don’t really mind. It is kind of awkward. Don’t want to lead you on.” That’s verbatim. So, I decided that was enough and told him I’d stop and I did.
His divorce is finally final. It was in the last stages when I left my message to you. He’d been separated for close to two years, which is why I allowed myself to date him. I’m moving on but he’s still there on my mind daily so I decided on a revised version of NC. I thought I’d go 45 days from his official divorce date. But I’m also thinking of myself first and moving on. I’ve put myself on a dating website and have let people set me up on dates.
For first contact post-divorce I am thinking of going to a museum we once went to and sending a pic of an exhibit he loves. It’s a self-portrait of someone. Now, tell me if this is too corny or if has just enough corn. I thought I’d send the pic and write as if I’m the subject of the portrait saying “Hey, it’s me, your old friend Chuck. I think I just saw your ex-GF here at my museum. I think she’s staring at me.” (something along that line). Corny? Cute? Odd?
Vicki
March 16, 2015 at 1:50 pm
Right now I’m perfectly fine with it. Thanks for everything.
Jolene
March 5, 2015 at 10:24 pm
Hi Chris,
Im Jolene and Im 16 years old. Me and my exboyfriend broke up about 4 weeks ago, we dated for a year, I was his first serious girlfriend and he was my first serious boyfriend as well. After the breakup, he felt extreme guilt for breaking my heart and he thought the only way I can move on happily with my life is that if he made me hate him. He kept ignoring me and I wouldn’t care and I would still text him, then he said hurtful things so I would hate him. However, he mentioned to one of his friends which happened to me mine as well that he did this because he couldn’t live with the guilt of breaking my heart because I fell into depression after the breakup, his conscious was killing him so he said those hurtful things so i would hate him and he thought that that will help me get over him which will put his conscious at ease. After what he said I told him that I know what he’s trying to do and that non of what he said was put into my consideration. I don’t know what to say after the no contact period ends, should I act naturally and be positive or something else?
admin
March 7, 2015 at 5:43 pm
No, you want to prepared a good text that will capture his interest.
Feel free to run a few ideas by me right now.
Shannon
March 5, 2015 at 8:37 pm
Okay I texted him. It went well. I initiated it and I ended it. When should I text him again? I’m asking you so many questions cuz I don’t wanna screw this up.
admin
March 7, 2015 at 5:41 pm
A day or two you reach out again. Try to push the conversation a bit longer and end it first again.
Shannon
March 7, 2015 at 9:49 pm
Okay. He’s responding positively and he’s engaged in the convos. How long do you think it should be before I transition to talking on the phone?
admin
March 8, 2015 at 2:54 pm
Until you know for a fact he won’t say no to a phone conversation.
Shannon
March 8, 2015 at 3:12 pm
Ahh thank you so much Chris. You’re awesome! 🙂
admin
March 13, 2015 at 3:20 pm
Thanks Shannon!
Shannon
March 8, 2015 at 3:16 am
Another question… What do I do if we are texting and it’s going well and then he just doesn’t text back. It doesnt allow me to end the convo first if he does that. And when should I text him again?
admin
March 8, 2015 at 3:08 pm
Don’t panic just accept he won the battle there and try again the next day or in a few more days.