What are you supposed to do if you are trying to get an ex boyfriend back who is recently divorced?
Let’s find out!
In this episode we here from Vicki who is trying to get her ex boyfriend back who was married for 20 years and just got out of a divorce. She is wondering if she should continue trying to get him back or just move on.
Well, if you listen to the episode above I give a pretty complex answer to this question.
Here is a quick look at Vicki’s situation,
- Her ex is recently divorced
- She has been sending texts and getting neutral responses
- She is always the one initiating the texts
- Seems to have followed my rules perfectly
- Wonders if she even has a good shot?
Here are some of the things I cover in this episode,
Things Covered In This Episode
- What I think happened in Vicki’s situation
- What is going on in a mans mind that is recently divorced
- The rebound factor
- How the grass is greener syndrome may pop up
- How in 20 years his options may be limited
- The HOLY TRINITY
IMPORTANT Links Mentioned In This Episode
- Review The Podcast On iTunes
- Episode 3 Of The Podcast (I made a mistake and said episode 2 )
- Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO (my E-Book)
- Record A Message For Me To Answer On The Podcast
The Game Plan For Getting A Divorced Ex Back
After some thinking I decided that Vicki’s game plan be tailored around an idea that I really don’t talk about very much on this site.
I like to call it the trinity!
Basically she should focus on self improvement and moving on without moving on to increase the odds of getting her ex boyfriend back.
The trinity is made up of three ideas.
The idea is that all of these aspects of her life are interconnected and if she positively impacts one it will impact the others.
So Vicki, make sure you focus on all of these aspects of your life.
Welcome to Episode 13 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I’m excited to have you here today. Before we get started, if you haven’t already subscribed or reviewed the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast on iTunes, please take five minutes out of your day and do so.
That would really help the survival of this podcast and help it continue to thrive. That is essential in the long run for this podcast. I’m going to put a link in the show notes of this episode on my website, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, on how you can do that.
Let’s move on to today’s question from Vicky. Vicky is in an interesting situation. She is trying to get her ex-boyfriend back who is recently divorced. Let’s hear from her now:
“Hi, Chris. My name is Vicky. My ex broke up with me because he was falling for me, but since he was recently divorced, he wasn’t really ready for a long-term relationship. That’s what he told me, at least. I completely understood it. He was married for nearly 20 years. He wanted his time to be single.
Rather than cheat on me, he decided to break up with me so that he could go sow his wild oats. After a few weeks, I looked through your website and I decided to buy the book. I followed the rules. I did a 30 day no contact. Then I sent a text. I got slightly better than a neutral response, so I sent a second text a few days later. That response was a little more neutral.
I decided to wait a couple weeks and went back into no contact for about 10 more days. Then I sent another text. The latest was definitely a neutral response. He wasn’t mean. He’s never been mean to me, but it was a pretty neutral response. He also never initiates conversation with me. It’s always me starting the texts. He never tried to contact me during no contact.
I’m curious. Just be straight with me. As a guy, do you think it’s not looking good for reconciliation this time? I completely understand if it’s not. I would love to have him back, but life goes on if not. I’m curious what your take would be on this. Thank you.”
Thank you, Vicky, for recording that message. It’s a very interesting situation you’ve found yourself in. I have to say, I really love the attitude you had at the end there. If things don’t work out, life goes on. That’s a really good attitude to have. In my opinion, the most successful people at getting their exes back have happiness in their life. They have that exact mindset, and you have it. That’s a great thing to have. Never lose it.
For those of you listening who didn’t catch Vicky’s situation, here’s a quick recap. She was dating a guy who was recently divorced from his wife of 20 years. She bought my ebook, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. She put it into practice. It seems like she put it into practice flawlessly and got a better-than-neutral response when she finally reached out after the no contact rule with a text message.
As time went on, she kept trying to text and he gave her neutral responses. He was never mean but it seems like he broke up with her so that he could sleep around and experience single life. Vicky is wondering if it’s even worth it anymore, if she has a really good shot of getting him back.
I’m going to divide this episode up into three different sections. Section one is what I think may have potentially happened in Vicky’s situation to bring her where she is now. I’ll talk about what was going through his mind. The second part of this episode is going to cover the realization that her ex-boyfriend may come to have over time. The third part is going to be the game plan that I will give Vicky to move forward.
Let’s talk about potentially what may have happened with her ex-boyfriend. Vicky said a few interesting things in her explanation. She said that her boyfriend broke up with her so he wouldn’t cheat on her. That tells me one thing.
It tells me that, in his relationship with his ex-wife, he probably didn’t cheat on her. He was a very faithful guy. That’s a good quality to have, of course. But over the course of 20 years, now that he’s free and doesn’t have to be faithful to his wife anymore, he’s probably interested in trying out other women, so to speak.
What I think happened is, Vicky, you may have come on a little too strong or slept with him a little too fast. It seems to me this is a little about sex. He just got out of the divorce. He’s ready to “experience” other women. You were the first one. He really enjoyed you and liked you. It seems like he was falling for you, but you may have slept with him a little too soon. What happened after he slept with you is that he lowered your value. He had nothing to work for anymore.
If you could go back in time, my advice would be to keep him on the hook for a long time. Make sure he’s constantly chasing you. The more he has invested into chasing you, the more he’s going to invest into the relationship. He was falling for you. He was starting to invest in you. But when you slept with him a little too fast, he lowered your value. As a result, he’s ready to experience new things.
What also may have happened is that you may have been the very first girl he dated after his divorce. I’m going to be straight with you here. It could potentially be rebound territory. When you’re with someone for 20 years, I don’t think there’s just one rebound. To me, it seems like if he dates or experiences other girls, they would all be rebounds as well. He’s just doing it, as you said, to sow his oats.
Another thing that comes to mind when I look at your situation is that you may have been too available for him. You may have given him too much attention. It seems to me like you are a very smart woman. I can tell that from your question and the way you were talking. It seems like you’re very logical but you may have gotten a little too over excited with the fact that he liked you or was falling for you. You gave him a little too much attention. That may have contributed to him wanting to experience more outside of you.
As I’m about to explain, that may not necessarily be a bad thing. He’s so dead set on finding someone new. That might actually work against him and work in your favor.
Let’s move onto the second part of this episode. I want to talk about a realization that he may come to have over time, as he experiences more in relationships. There’s one big thing that springs to mind here. He was married to his wife for 20 years. That’s a pretty long time. Assuming that he was around the average age that men are when they get married, which is 27 or 28, that puts him around his mid or late 40s.
Your dating options are a little bit more limited when you are that age, even as a man. He may think, “I’m going to get all of these girls. I’m mid-40s. I’ve got a good life. I’ve got a good job. They’ll be attracted to me, of course.” What he may come to realize is, the reality he thinks is going to occur is different than the reality that actually plays out.
It’s not as easy as he may think it is out there. He’s not the strapping young guy back when he was in his mid-20s when he first met his wife. I’m assuming, if he was with his wife for 20 years, that he also has kids. That turns some women off. Not many women want to come in and be the stepmom. They want their own kids. Some women get scared off by men who have children. The baggage of the ex-wife comes into play a little bit. It may not be as easy as he thinks out there to date or get other girls.
This can cause the grass is greener syndrome to crop up. Maybe he goes out there and comes to the realization that, “It’s actually not as easy as I thought. It’s pretty hard to date right now.” Then he thinks back to you, Vicky. He thinks, “I really was starting to fall for her. Maybe it was just a little too soon for me.” Then he may value you highly again and potentially come back to you.
This leads us to our game plan for you, Vicky. I think you have a very unique situation in that you’re trying to get a man back who is not in a place where he wants to be in a relationship. I guarantee you, sometime in the future, he will want to be in a relationship. Right now, it seems like he’s just not in the mental place for it. That means you might have to wait if you want to get him back.
Here’s my recommendation to you. If you really want this guy back—I’m not saying you should get him back. You’re a smart woman. Sometimes moving on is the best thing for you. If you really do want to get him back, I recommend that self-improvement is the way to go. Improve yourself because you can’t control him.
Let’s look at the factors you can control when it comes to getting him back. You can’t control what he does or says. But you can control what you do. What I’d like you to do is work on the holy trinity. The holy trinity is this idea I came up with about a year ago.
I’ve not really made it public on the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery website yet. That’s mostly because it’s a complex idea. Right now, I’m creating a product that is going to feature it extensively. It’s too good to pass up in this situation. I really think it will help you, Vicky, to get your ex back or help you improve your life.
What is the holy trinity? The three major areas of your life are health, wealth and relationships. All three of these areas are interconnected. What happens to one affects the other. For example, let’s say you are heartbroken over this breakup with your ex-boyfriend. You’re so heartbroken that you can’t eat any food. That would negatively impact your health. You’re heartbroken and you can’t eat any food. This goes into the relationship aspect of your life. Not eating food goes into the health aspect of your life.
Then let’s say that you decide to go to work in this depression. You’re not going to perform your best at work if you’re depressed over your relationship and you’re not eating. Maybe you slip up at work and get fired. That all occurred because of this breakup.
The ideas is that, what happens to one of these aspects of your life–health, wealth and relationships—affects the other. If something negative happens to relationships, your wealth and health are going to take a hit. If something positive happens to your relationships, your wealth and health will take a positive infusion.
You’re already working on your relationships. You bought my book, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. You have already clearly demonstrated that you are willing to work on your relationships. Maybe you go out on a few dates with other people. You could work on your relationships that way.
The thing I want you to focus on specifically are the health and wealth aspects of your life. A positive impact on these two areas of your life will automatically create a positive impact on your relationships.
Let me give you an example. Let’s say that you get in great shape. You’re feeling confident as a result of being good looking. Maybe you could stand to lose 10 pounds. You go to the gym. You work really hard. You lose 10 pounds. You’re feeling confident. That confidence positively impacts your work. You want to do a good job at work.
All of a sudden, you’re super confident. You’re even more confident than you were when you lost 10 pounds because, not only are you doing a great job on the health aspect of your life, you’re doing an incredible job on the wealth aspect of your life as well. This creates super confidence.
That, of course, bleeds over into your relationships. There is this funny thing that tends to happen. Your ex tends to notice out of the blue. In Episode 2, this happened to a woman. I will link to that in the show notes for you, Vicky.
My plan for you, Vicky, is to use self-improvement to get him back, if you want him back. It’s also a simultaneous way of healing and getting over him, if that’s the case. Let’s stay on this track of getting over him. If we stay on this track, I feel compelled to mention that I’m also known for this idea of moving on without moving on.
This is something that the woman in Episode 2 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast experienced. She moved on with her life and bettered her life. She worked on the self-improvement aspect of her life. But she always had feelings for her ex. Her ex started coming back to her. I don’t know if she got him back. He started reaching out to her, telling her he was proud and that he missed her.
In addition to working on the health, wealth and relationships aspect of your life, try moving on without moving on. Eventually, your ex-boyfriend is going to come to the realization that, “My options aren’t as good as they used to be. They’re limited.” You’re moving on with your life and not sitting around, twiddling your thumbs, hoping, “Maybe he’ll come back tomorrow.” Another day passes and you’re sitting there, thinking, “Maybe he’ll come back tomorrow.”
Pretty soon, you realize that three years have gone by and you’re at a standstill with your love life. Don’t do that. Don’t stand still. Move on without moving on. Move on and heal. But in the back of your mind, be open to the idea of him coming back. It’s a very difficult strategy to explain. A lot of times, someone who has truly moved on doesn’t want anything to do with their ex.
This is moving on and improving your life with the idea that maybe he will come back. Then, after a certain time, maybe you’ll have healed up enough that you’ll meet the love of your life and it isn’t your ex. Or maybe you’ll heal up enough, your ex takes notice and wants to come back. He might have the grass is greener syndrome where he thinks, “My options aren’t as good as I thought. I didn’t realize how good I had it with Vicky. I want to come back to her.”
Vicky, that is my strategy for you. Also, I want to add a small side note here. Thank you so much, Vicky, for purchasing Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. I am really glad that you took that chance. It seems like, even though it’s not working perfectly, you were on the right track with the no contact rule. I think that can be very effective for you.
For anyone listening, Vicky’s situation was a little bit strange. It’s not your normal situation. Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro was meant to help women in long-distance relationships, women who have been cheated on and women who have cheated on their exes. I had one case of a woman who got her ex back when she cheated on her ex. She got her ex to propose to her.
Vicky’s situation is very unique in the fact that she was dating someone who just got out of a relationship of 20 years. Maybe he wasn’t in the right place emotionally yet. He will get in it eventually. He wasn’t in the right place emotionally to date. Vicky, thank you so much for asking your question. I really hope I helped.
If you’re listening to this and would like to ask a question, I’m going to put information in the show notes of this episode on how to do that. If you haven’t already picked up my book, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro, please take some time out of your day and look at the sales page for that. There is a lot you can learn on the sales page, even if you don’t buy the book. Go ahead and do that.
Thank you for listening. I will see you tomorrow for Episode 14.