In this post I’m going to show you EXACTLY how to get your ex back after a bad breakup.

In fact, this is the exact process that has been responsible for almost all of my success stories.

Because, let’s be honest, what breakup isn’t bad?

So, if you want a clear and concise game plan for getting your ex back after a really bad breakup then this post is going to be perfect for you.

Let’s dive in!

My 4 Best Tips For Dealing With A Very Bad Breakup

Overall there are four things that I’d like to talk to you about today. Now, I do want to say that this isn’t going to be like the traditional articles that I’ve done where all of the tips follow a linear cause and effect outline. Instead, what I’ve done is picked out four ideas or concepts that I have found consistently present in our success stories where clients have gone through rough breakups.

Here’s what I’ve found,

  1. Success Isn’t Linear
  2. Utilize The Value Chain
  3. Use The Reciprocation Mirror
  4. Understand The Internal Conversation Happening In Your Exes Mind

Some of these concepts are new and some are old.

Nevertheless, I’d like to make sure that you really grasp everything I have to teach you today so I’m going to go through each one of these tips and explain them.

Let the lesson commence!

Tip #1: Success Isn’t Linear

The biggest misconception I’ve been seeing lately among my book readers is the fact that seem to be under the impression that success in getting an ex back is linear.

Basically, they think it looks like this,

Here’s the problem.

I don’t think I’ve ever worked with anyone where a situation has worked out this way. Even in the most favorable circumstances something inevitably will NOT go according to plan.

(More on that in a second.)

What does the average success story look like?

Notice how there are a lot of ups and downs.

This is how the average success story looks. Something good happens and you start thinking you are on top of the world. Then your ex throws you for a loop by doing or saying something to make you believe you have no chance.

And on and on the cycle goes.

Here’s my point.

Don’t delude yourself into believing that everything is going to go your way 100% of the time. Prepare yourself emotionally for the fact that even the superstars through this process aren’t perfect all the time.

Probably the best comparison I can make is to baseball.

In baseball you are considered a super star if you fail only 70% of the time.

Think about that.

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Tip #2: Utilize A Value Chain

In Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO I talk about something called a value chain. I make a very big deal about it.

It’s essentially your roadmap to success.

If you want to learn more about the value chain I recommend getting the book I linked to above.

Think of it this way.

IF success was linear this is how things would typically unfold,

Seems pretty simple, right?

You follow the directions laid out by the value chain and you get your ex back.

If only it were that easy.

The value chain is meant to provide you with an idea on how to approach the average situation. It’s essentially the overarching plan that you need to be doing to be successful. However, as I stated above in tip #1, success isn’t linear.

What are you supposed to do when you gear up to do a no contact rule but you share children together?

You have to adapt the strategy to fit your needs.

Adaptability Is Key

That’s where adaptability comes into play.

When I started Ex Boyfriend Recovery I was very stubborn with my ways. When I recommended a strategy to someone there was no room for flexibility. It wasn’t until I started working one on one with individuals that I realized flexibility was key.

In fact, when I started talking to people who had used my process to get their exes back I noticed that they made slight alterations to my strategies.

It turned out that these alterations were key components that contributed to their success.

The value chain is meant to show you the path but it’s up to you to adapt it to achieve maximum effectiveness.

Tip #3: Use The Reciprocation Mirror

If you went through a bad breakup with your ex then you better believe that they have certain preconceived notions already formed about you.

They are probably thinking,

  • She was so naggy
  • I can’t stand her
  • I don’t like him anymore
  • You get where I’m going, right?

These “notions” hold true especially after a bad breakup.

Think of it this way.

Every bad thought that your ex had about you throughout the relationship is almost reinforced when you go through a bad breakup.

I’ve talked a lot about my good feelings vs. bad feelings theory where human being are drawn towards things that make them feel good and want to avoid things that make them feel bad.

Well, a bad breakup that makes you feel bad is probably going to cause you to raise your walls to protect yourself, right?

Getting these proverbial walls to be lowered is going to be an important part of getting your ex back, isn’t it.

But how do you do that?

Well, you are going to do that by using something I like to call the reciprocation mirror.

What Is The Reciprocation Mirror?

I think I’ve used this example before but I’m going to use it again because it’s too good not to use.

Do you know who this man is?

This man is the father of the reciprocation mirror.

His name is Roger Bannister and he is the first person to ever break the 4 minute mile.

That may not seem like that big of a deal to you since there are high school kids that consistently break the 4 minute mile every year but back in the day it was thought to be impossible.


But good old Roger Bannister wasn’t convinced.

He thought that he could be the one to break the four minute mile and on May 6th, 1954 he did just that.

Amazing, right?

I’d actually argue that what happened afterwards was even more amazing.

Since Roger Bannister broke the 4 minute mile in 1954, close to 10,000 people have achieved the feat.


Well, it’s because once human beings saw what was possible they were able to reciprocate.

They were able to achieve what was once thought to be impossible.

Now, what does any of this have to do with your ex?

Well, believe it or not but sometimes in order to get your ex to trust you again you have to show a bit of faith first. You have to be willing to drip your toe in the water first before expecting them to reciprocate.

Imagine for a moment that you are in the texting phase of the value chain (picture above) and you want your ex to tell you that they miss you. However, you know that since the two of you parted on bad terms they aren’t going to be jumping with joy at the thought of telling you that they miss you.

Instead, you can try to dip your toe in the water first and show them a little hint of how you are feeling with the intent of hoping that they will reciprocate.

Let’s say that the two of you are having a really witty conversation and you send this,

You are telling them a little bit about how you feel and hoping that, that little extension of an olive branch will be enough to get them to mirror your behavior.

It’s the reciprocation mirror folks!

Tip #4: Understand The Internal Conversation Happening In Your Exes Head

Here’s a fun question.

How do you think your ex will decide whether or not they should get back together with you after a bad breakup?

Most of my clients will probably try to convince you that the biggest factor for their success is going to be in how they handle their interactions with their ex.

I used to think that too but that’s actually not how the process goes down.

I’ll give you an example.

Let’s say that you and your ex have the most amazing date and they actually say something like this to you,

“Do you ever think of getting back together?”

This of course leads to “the talk” and the two of you agree that you’d be interested in reconnecting.

Yay! You got them back, right?

What if I were to tell you that this little “example” I gave to you came from a real life scenario that I encountered in our private facebook support group.

Here’s what happened.

Two days later the ex backed out of the agreement and the person in the facebook group was back to square one.

Ultimately your ex makes the decision to get back with you when they have some time to sit alone with their thoughts

It’s easy for an ex to make an impulsive decision to get back together with you when they are caught up in the moment. Ultimately it’s that pesky conscience in the back of our head asking us,

Do we really want this?

That can make us think twice.

Every person has a list.

It’s a special list of reasons for why they shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone else.

Your ex has a list on you.

When left alone long enough your ex will eventually ask the following question to themselves,

Should I get back with (insert your name?)

They will definitely say “no” to getting back with you if you haven’t crossed out almost all of their reasons for not wanting to get back with you.

If you understand your exes list then you understand what you have to do to get them back.

It’s as easy as that.

Ok, maybe not easy but at least it gives you some clarification.

18 thoughts on “How To Get Your Ex Back After A Bad Breakup”

  1. Avatar


    September 24, 2018 at 10:57 pm

    I’m having an issue with a really angry distrustful ex. We had what seemed like a very close and loving relationship. He seemed extremely into me. About a month before the breakup I noticed him making less time for us and pulling away but he denied losing interest. Then one day he got really mad at me and just left.

    Ever since then everything has been a mess. He has messaged me many times since the breakup but he alternates between being nice, being distant, and flipping out at me.

    He has blocked me and unblocked me repeatedly. He has admitted he misses me and he has tried coming onto me, but he also repeatedly pulls away. He disappears for a week at a time and then contacts me on his own. Sometimes hes nice and acts interested in how i am, sometimes hes flirty, other times he is moody and snappy. He will message me and then stop replyin halfway through the conversation. We have met up three times since the breakup in person. We have just had coffee and nothing has happened. He agreed to try to make time for a fourth meeting, then changed his mind.

    He keeps endlessly endlessly bringing up that he cant be with me because he “can’t trust me”. This comes up again and again and again. He says i did something to break his trust, but if I ask him what I did, he says he isn’t ready to tell me. He has also said he believes nothing I say and that when I do something nice he just thinks “what’s in it for her”? I don’t understand why he thinks this. I also don’t understand why he keeps bringing this up if he won’t talk about what I’ve actually done.

    He’s obviously really hurt about something but I can’t help him If he won’t talk about it.
    My attempt at no contact after he blocked me lasted a week before he started sending angry messages on another platform.
    My attempts to reconnect and not talk about relationship problems and stick to lighter subjects usually end in him bringing up how he can’t trust me.

    I think hes extremely torn between missing me and not trusting me. How on earth do I get him to calm down, open up about what’s actually bothering him and be more trusting? I don’t know what Ive done to hurt him

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 24, 2018 at 11:55 pm

      I am sorry Ola this ex of yours is so distrustful. I don’t think he is being fair at all. Very selfish of him. I think you stick with NC

  2. Avatar


    September 11, 2018 at 9:06 am

    How to convince a man without making him feel insecure?
    We have dated for a few years, and had a passionate love, we used to think we were the one of each other. But then we have a problem repeated over many years.
    He has funny comments about breast and collarbone or “flowers beetwen 2 legs” under photos of some girls on FB. He thinks this is normal. And I think it’s a scam, vulgar, and disrespectful of our relationship.
    These comments are on a few girls, but mostly repeated on one girl who liked him, leading to my being jealous and making him think I lack trust or respect for him.
    This difference has given our relationship many hurtful breakups and I had to ask the help from your books (thank you again, and again).
    Now, I realize that this difference is in view, not about this girl or the others.
    He said he loves me so much and only me, he can try to control the comments because of me. But to say he thinks he shouldn’t comment like that is to lie to me.
    For me, the problem is not what has happened. Which issue I can not accept this view. When I think of this, I feel hurted, insecure and disrespectful to him.
    But I can not convince him. What I hope is that he can share my view and really feel comfortable with it.
    He insists his behavior is completely normal, and hopefully one day I will change my perspective.
    I know he loves me, and I still love him. But if we come back together when the difference is still there, it will repeat all the arguments, hurt, disrespectful thoughts.
    What can I do?
    I believe I am right, but maybe I do not know yet how to convince a man psychologically?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 17, 2018 at 10:06 pm

      You are right Namy…his comments are inappropriate and have no place. If he persists, then it says a lot about who he is as a person and that should be helpful insight for you.

  3. Avatar


    September 7, 2018 at 12:02 am

    yes، but i should admit this i made him freak out when i asked him to hang out to step foward in our relationship…actually, i did not even tell that i miss him or sth intimate since we broke up…i think it could be the reason too that make him pull away to see where he is standing now!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 7, 2018 at 3:34 am

      Good point Zoey! But a mature guy would not freak out.

  4. Avatar


    September 5, 2018 at 10:53 pm

    yes, i do it for myself this time..
    two days ago، i asked him to hang out on Friday to take a step forward,at the beginning he feels good about this but then i felt he was not so much happy…yesterday, i sent to him and he was not in good mood to reply, just answering the mood to talk..
    today, i sent to him twice, saw my messages but did not text me back! why he behaves like this?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 6, 2018 at 3:51 am

      Hi Zoey….

      seems you ex is a bit moody. Its up to him to work it out. Just give him a little space and see if he self corrects.

  5. Avatar


    September 4, 2018 at 11:46 am

     hi Chris
    how are you?
    me and my ex are talking together since two months and sometimes the conversation is so excited and sometimes not…i stopped text him for 8 days but he never text to me first..just me take the first step and this is really annoying me!
    what suppose i do?
    today i asked him to unblock me in his messenger because my whatsapp stopped but he refused and i think he thought i am just lying on him just i did before to unblock me then i start to be nag person and text him whenever i saw him online..well this is was me before unfortunately! but i am not this person anymore for this i did not insist on him to unblock me to make him feel i am so mature now; do you think i did the right thing?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 4, 2018 at 9:20 pm

      Hi Zoey!

      I do think so. But it is more important you make these decision for yourself to demonstrate your empowerment.

  6. Avatar


    September 4, 2018 at 1:23 am

    We were together for about seven years, And we eventually broke up because he was feeling trapped and doing the self-discovery thing. He hoped I’d wait for him, and I did for awhile… but eventually we amicably parted ways and had a casual friendship. Three years ago he came back and told me he thought I was the one. (He neglected to say he was engaged to someone else.) So I, of course, thought maybe there was a chance, But when I pushed it, he pulled away, and I didn’t understand why, so I pushed some more, and he pulled away more, and eventually it came out that he was in a relationship. I was upset because he should’ve told me, and I was very hurt, And when I said I wanted to talk about it, he said that wasn’t our connection anymore… I said things I regret, he said hurtful things, and things eventually got to the point where he said he wasn’t going to be in communication with me, but we would “always be connected.” So, like a proper crazy girl, I sent him a 15 page manifesto about all of my feelings… he didn’t reply. I did find out he didn’t get married, though. A year later, I sent him a “Just wanted to tell you [something superficial], but you don’t have to write me back.” He didn’t. Now it’s two years after that, I’m in a relationship, I think he might be in a relationship… But i find myself still missing our connection, our friendship, and him. I think I’m still very hurt and sad I never got closure, that he could hurt me like that, and also that I could truly push someone I care about that far away. I’ve tried healing on my own (therapy, meds, self-growth, all that stuff…) But I just can’t shake his presence in my mind. there’s this bond there, and the part that feels like I still know him believes he feels that too, but then again, I’m also a naïve romantic. So anyway, everyone thinks I’m crazy for wanting to send him a random “so it’s been a while, how are you?” email… I don’t know if he’ll respond or not, and I don’t know if I can handle it either way. But we are both closer to 40 than 30 now,and I’d like to stop playing games with myself… but I also just can’t believe that the bridge is truly burned. I’m not really sure how to trust whatever my instincts tell me because they tell me many things at once. I know how he treated me was awful, and I don’t even know if I’d want to get back together. But all the same, I just miss my friend, that connection… Thoughts?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 4, 2018 at 9:26 pm

      Hi Sandra!

      If you are not sure if you can handle it, then don’t do it. Wait awhile. Focus on your own personal recovery. Remember, this guy treated you awful. Don;t be n a hurry. Time has a way of healing our wounds and giving us greater perspective. You really should pick up my eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book” as it is full of insights that can help you.

  7. Avatar


    August 31, 2018 at 8:55 pm

    My ex and I were together for more than two years, but dated once before, four years ago- that first break up was horrific. I almost can’t believe we got back together, but we eventually did, and we were convinced it was forever this time.
    I broke up with him-impulsively, and ::cringe:: over text- six weeks ago, after a major argument. We’d been having problems for awhile, and he just would not work with me to address them. His way of dealing was to shut me out and give me the silent treatment. We lived together and have a dog. We’d discussed marriage as recently as 3 months ago. Since the break up I’ve moved out and we’re sharing custody of our dog, who we consider to be our kid- neither of us want children. I’ve asked to reconcile, and he’s made it very clear that the break up was my decision and that I need to live with it. He’s not interested in discussing it. He hardly responds to communication re: dog care. He’s given no indication that he wants to fix things. I don’t know if it’s anger/stubborness on his part, or I should wait and hope he’ll change his mind eventually. I’d appreciate your thoughts.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 1, 2018 at 1:03 am

      Hi Lauren…..seems like you should roll into no contact. Go to my home page and check out the tools and resources I offer that can help you thru this. I think his stubbornness will wear down with a well implemented ex recovery plan!

  8. Avatar


    August 31, 2018 at 2:38 pm


    Enjoyed the article. I’m kinda like half way into no contact atm and I have a couple of questions.

    If you sleep with someone whilst you’re apart, how do you handle it if your ex asks? My ex is intensely jealous in that way.

    Also (and I know nobody else can truly answer this) I’m starting to feel like maybe I don’t want him back anyway? But part of me does. I’m just not really sure whether to carry on making an effort with him. I’m not really sure what the deciding factors should be there.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 1, 2018 at 1:18 am

      Hi C…allow for time and space to inform you about whether you want him back enough to make an energetic effort. If there is doubt about want him, then you have your answer there. Probably best not to talk about your personal life with your ex. You should go to my home page and check out my resources….particularly, “The No Contact Rule Book” as it will help you with figuring out what you really want.

  9. Avatar


    August 29, 2018 at 3:11 pm

    What if my ex told me he doesn’t see himself regaining his trust in me? I was happy with him, but I didn’t really communicate with him properly and I got so tangled up in my own issues so I told him that we should break up a couple of times. Finally, he told me that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I went no contact for few weeks and I recovered from a breakup and then i realized that he was my favourite person but I wasn’t good with telling him how much i love him. How can i regain his trust and convince him that this time it will be better?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 30, 2018 at 1:31 am

      Hi Kate….you know that guys can say stupid things. Trust works both ways. He needs to trust in himself. He chose you as his girlfriend, so he sees something special in you. Just think small steps in trying to rebuild trust. Keep on with NC, but give him a heads up that you are working on yourself.

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