There is nothing worse than an unexpected breakup, especially when you thought things were going well between you and your ex.
The sudden shock of not knowing why it happened coupled with not knowing what to do next makes unexpected breakup SO much worse than mutual ones.
Most of us have been (or will be) stuck in a place where our ex unexpectedly dumped us, so today, I’m going to tell you how to process that and what to do next.
In my experience, people tend to want one of two things in the wake of an unexpected breakup – they either want their ex back, or they never want to hear their ex’s name again.
Honestly, both reactions are equally valid when your ex breaks up with you out of the blue, and I’m not here to judge you for your reaction.
In fact, I’m going to do something unique here and address people feeling both those emotions right now because regardless of what you want to do next, you’re probably asking yourself the same thing – why would they break up with me so unexpectedly?
Why Would My Ex Break Up With Me So Unexpectedly?
Typically speaking, when people wind up on videos like this, they expect me to lay out the perfect step-by-step game plan on how to get their ex back.
People also assume that every single unique situation needs a unique game plan, and that’s not entirely true.
But I think that before you try to come up with a plan about what to do next, you need to understand why unexpected breakups even happen.
You see, if your ex broke up with you unexpectedly that tells me a really interesting piece of information about your relationship with your ex:
You and your ex may be on different wavelengths.
Now, what do I mean by this wavelength theory?
What Is Wavelength Theory?
Simply put, when people get into a relationship, they start finishing each other’s sentences and have this uncanny sense whenever something’s wrong with their significant other.
However, sometimes there’s a disconnect between two people, and that completely breaks down any kind of emotional communication.
Usually, this disconnect is caused by a lack of cues you’re picking up.
In other words, your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend is dropping subtle hints, maybe not verbally but with their body language, saying something’s wrong.
You may even ask them what it is, but they don’t respond or say, “it’s nothing,” and you just take them at their word and just move on.
When you ignore these cues and stop prying about what’s bothering them, you’ve changed the trajectory of the wavelengths you both were operating on.
In other words, what really goes on in unexpected breakups is that there’s a key piece of information that your ex had, and you were missing, and they used that as the catalyst to break up with you.
So today I want to talk to you about how you can get better at picking up these cues, and I’ll address the ultimate question:
What Do All Men Want Out Of A Relationship With A Woman?
All men really want is someone who can find their unsolved problems and solve it better than anyone else.
Sounds simple enough, right?
Actually, it’s a bit more complicated.
Most of us don’t really listen well, and it doesn’t help that most men try to actively avoid talking about what’s bothering them.
Therefore, you really need to hyper focus on your listening skills to read between the lines and pick up on cues they might be sprinkling around.
Psychotherapy research shows that when individuals feel listened to, they tend to evaluate and clarify their own thoughts and feelings openly.
In addition, they tend to become less defensive and oppositional and more willing to listen to other points of view. This can get them to the calm and logical place where they can actually be open to what you’re saying to them.
How do you know someone’s REALLY listening to you?
I’ll give you an example.
I recently had a coaching call with a coaching client.
Now, this is someone who doesn’t personally know me at all, but they happen to be a great listener.
I really focus on this when I’m coaching someone because I obviously want them to listen and grasp everything I say so they can execute it.
What was interesting about this particular coaching call was that this person listened to the uncanny small comment that I slipped in there about my own personal life.
Then about a week later, they found something that related to it and texted me about it.
They recommended something that they thought might help with my problem.
This showed me that they were listening extremely well.
But of course, listening to a stranger talk for the first time is always easier than listening to someone you know like the back of your hand.
With new people, you always have new information to hang on to, but what do you listen for with someone who you’ve known for a long time?
Listen For The Slight Freudian Slips
Freudian slips are these little hints that people drop when they’re internally struggling with something but might not be able to let it out.
These slips often manifest as a disparaging comment here or there or even bouts of defensive sarcasm when you prod about what’s bothering them. A Freudian slip might even be something as little as a quick expression change, so you need to be at your best observing mode as much as possible.
Once you identify these little tiny comments, that’s when you need to find a way to address the problem.
Notice how I said “address” the problem and not solve it?
That’s because you can’t always offer up the perfect solution, and honestly, that’s not even necessary most of the time.
All you need to do is make a thoughtful recommendation that shows you listened carefully, thought about their problem, and are genuinely trying to offer practical advice by showing them a logical next step.
You see, the goal is to identify what your counterpart actually needs – monetarily, emotionally, or otherwise and get them feeling safe enough to express those needs comfortably.
How Do You Get To That Point Of Comfort?
It begins with listening, putting yourself aside, and making it about them.
Letting them know that their emotions are valid and welcome in your relationship so you can create a trustworthy environment where they feel safe for a real conversation to begin.
When we radiate warmth and acceptance, conversations just seem to flow.
It’s like that same familiar and welcome feeling you get when you’re at a party where you don’t know anyone and your best friend walks in.
Here’s another example – let’s say you’re walking down the street you see someone else walking down the street you smile and wave.
What’s their natural response?
Smile and wave back, right?
You see, understanding that need to reciprocate is key if you want to actually get to the core of why your ex broke up with you and what you are supposed to do when you actually begin talking to them.
If “when you actually begin talking to them” threw you off, I’m referring to my famous “no contact rule” where you purposefully ignore your ex for a certain period after your breakup.
You can use this time to work on what you will actually say to your ex when you speak. To know more about the no contact rule (and all our other steps including the value ladder, value chain, etc.) you’re gonna have to hop on my Youtube channel or check out my website.
The point of this article wasn’t to lay down a game plan for you.
It was to make you realize why this happened to you, so you feel empowered by knowing that it probably wasn’t your conscious fault. Your ex may have been dropping “hints” for a while, but you’re obviously not a mind reader.
So yeah, before you hop into the game plan of trying to get your ex back (or trying to move on), it is essential that you show that you can be a compassionate listener. Once you show that to your ex, you’ll be amazed at just how easy it is to get them to open up and see a new side of themselves.
Unexpected breakups suck, there are no two ways about it.
Not knowing why is probably the worst part, but there’s a high chance that you and your ex were on different wavelengths, and communication broke down because they didn’t feel like you were there for them.
The way to solve that for getting your ex back (or for your future relationships) is to become a compassionate listener who can pick up on subtle cues people drop about what’s bothering them.