By Chris Seiter

Updated on February 23rd, 2021

There is nothing worse than an unexpected breakup, especially when you thought things were going well between you and your ex.

The sudden shock of not knowing why it happened coupled with not knowing what to do next makes unexpected breakup SO much worse than mutual ones.

Most of us have been (or will be) stuck in a place where our ex unexpectedly dumped us, so today, I’m going to tell you how to process that and what to do next.

In my experience, people tend to want one of two things in the wake of an unexpected breakup – they either want their ex back, or they never want to hear their ex’s name again.

Honestly, both reactions are equally valid when your ex breaks up with you out of the blue, and I’m not here to judge you for your reaction.

In fact, I’m going to do something unique here and address people feeling both those emotions right now because regardless of what you want to do next, you’re probably asking yourself the same thing – why would they break up with me so unexpectedly?

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Why Would My Ex Break Up With Me So Unexpectedly? 

Typically speaking, when people wind up on videos like this, they expect me to lay out the perfect step-by-step game plan on how to get their ex back.

People also assume that every single unique situation needs a unique game plan, and that’s not entirely true.

When it comes to unexpected breakups, the standard game plan (that you can learn about all over my Youtube Channel or Website), works pretty well, regardless of the situation.

But I think that before you try to come up with a plan about what to do next, you need to understand why unexpected breakups even happen.

You see, if your ex broke up with you unexpectedly that tells me a really interesting piece of information about your relationship with your ex:

You and your ex may be on different wavelengths.

Now, what do I mean by this wavelength theory?

What Is Wavelength Theory?

Simply put, when people get into a relationship, they start finishing each other’s sentences and have this uncanny sense whenever something’s wrong with their significant other.

However, sometimes there’s a disconnect between two people, and that completely breaks down any kind of emotional communication.

Usually, this disconnect is caused by a lack of cues you’re picking up.

In other words, your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend is dropping subtle hints, maybe not verbally but with their body language, saying something’s wrong.

You may even ask them what it is, but they don’t respond or say, “it’s nothing,” and you just take them at their word and just move on.

When you ignore these cues and stop prying about what’s bothering them, you’ve changed the trajectory of the wavelengths you both were operating on.

In other words, what really goes on in unexpected breakups is that there’s a key piece of information that your ex had, and you were missing, and they used that as the catalyst to break up with you.

So today I want to talk to you about how you can get better at picking up these cues, and I’ll address the ultimate question:

What Do All Men Want Out Of A Relationship With A Woman?

All men really want is someone who can find their unsolved problems and solve it better than anyone else.

Sounds simple enough, right?

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Actually, it’s a bit more complicated.

Most of us don’t really listen well, and it doesn’t help that most men try to actively avoid talking about what’s bothering them.

Therefore, you really need to hyper focus on your listening skills to read between the lines and pick up on cues they might be sprinkling around.

Psychotherapy research shows that when individuals feel listened to, they tend to evaluate and clarify their own thoughts and feelings openly.

In addition, they tend to become less defensive and oppositional and more willing to listen to other points of view. This can get them to the calm and logical place where they can actually be open to what you’re saying to them.

How do you know someone’s REALLY listening to you?

I’ll give you an example.

I recently had a coaching call with a coaching client.

Now, this is someone who doesn’t personally know me at all, but they happen to be a great listener.

I really focus on this when I’m coaching someone because I obviously want them to listen and grasp everything I say so they can execute it.

What was interesting about this particular coaching call was that this person listened to the uncanny small comment that I slipped in there about my own personal life.

Then about a week later, they found something that related to it and texted me about it.

They recommended something that they thought might help with my problem.

This showed me that they were listening extremely well.

But of course, listening to a stranger talk for the first time is always easier than listening to someone you know like the back of your hand.

With new people, you always have new information to hang on to, but what do you listen for with someone who you’ve known for a long time?

Listen For The Slight Freudian Slips

Freudian slips are these little hints that people drop when they’re internally struggling with something but might not be able to let it out.

These slips often manifest as a disparaging comment here or there or even bouts of defensive sarcasm when you prod about what’s bothering them. A Freudian slip might even be something as little as a quick expression change, so you need to be at your best observing mode as much as possible.

Once you identify these little tiny comments, that’s when you need to find a way to address the problem.

Notice how I said “address” the problem and not solve it?

That’s because you can’t always offer up the perfect solution, and honestly, that’s not even necessary most of the time.

All you need to do is make a thoughtful recommendation that shows you listened carefully, thought about their problem, and are genuinely trying to offer practical advice by showing them a logical next step.

You see, the goal is to identify what your counterpart actually needs – monetarily, emotionally, or otherwise and get them feeling safe enough to express those needs comfortably.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

How Do You Get To That Point Of Comfort?

It begins with listening, putting yourself aside, and making it about them.

Letting them know that their emotions are valid and welcome in your relationship so you can create a trustworthy environment where they feel safe for a real conversation to begin.

When we radiate warmth and acceptance, conversations just seem to flow.

It’s like that same familiar and welcome feeling you get when you’re at a party where you don’t know anyone and your best friend walks in.

Here’s another example – let’s say you’re walking down the street you see someone else walking down the street you smile and wave.

What’s their natural response?

Smile and wave back, right?

You see, understanding that need to reciprocate is key if you want to actually get to the core of why your ex broke up with you and what you are supposed to do when you actually begin talking to them.

If “when you actually begin talking to them” threw you off, I’m referring to my famous “no contact rule” where you purposefully ignore your ex for a certain period after your breakup.

You can use this time to work on what you will actually say to your ex when you speak. To know more about the no contact rule (and all our other steps including the value ladder, value chain, etc.) you’re gonna have to hop on my Youtube channel or check out my website.

The point of this article wasn’t to lay down a game plan for you.

It was to make you realize why this happened to you, so you feel empowered by knowing that it probably wasn’t your conscious fault. Your ex may have been dropping “hints” for a while, but you’re obviously not a mind reader.

So yeah, before you hop into the game plan of trying to get your ex back (or trying to move on), it is essential that you show that you can be a compassionate listener. Once you show that to your ex, you’ll be amazed at just how easy it is to get them to open up and see a new side of themselves.


Unexpected breakups suck, there are no two ways about it.

Not knowing why is probably the worst part, but there’s a high chance that you and your ex were on different wavelengths, and communication broke down because they didn’t feel like you were there for them.

The way to solve that for getting your ex back (or for your future relationships) is to become a compassionate listener who can pick up on subtle cues people drop about what’s bothering them.

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8 thoughts on “What To Do If Your Ex Dumped You Unexpectedly”

  1. Natasha

    September 2, 2020 at 4:36 am

    Hello, I could use some guidance. My long term relationship of 9 years ended a few weeks ago. It blindsided me but, we had been having issues for a while. Moving in together 2 years ago after college (this was his first time on his own), losing our first dog to cancer, and then this whole pandemic really pushed us over the edge. I love him, he is my best friend. Admittedly, the “spark” did fade over time and we had so many communication issues. I thought that things would change over time and we would move past them.. We had overcome so many other issues in the past. However, he began to become increasingly annoyed with me, pulled away from me emotionally, dodged questions about the future, and started being cold/rude. We had a fight and I said things I didn’t mean. I was so upset that he wasn’t seeing why I was so upset and that our issues are a big deal. A few days later we broke up and he stated that he was so unhappy with himself, “he was no longer in love with me” and, he wanted to focus on himself, his family, and career and he didn’t have time for this relationship anymore. I pleaded that we shouldn’t give up and we could make this work if we finally really talked about our issues. He said it was “too little, too late.” I pleaded and begged at first for him to reconsider but eventually I accepted the break up and moved out.. in the process he was still being nice to me, making me lunch and etc, and talking to me about meaningless things.. as if nothing was wrong. I still wanted to work it out so I was polite and was sure to be more than accommodating with dividing up the apartment and etc. I told him i just wanted him to find happiness again and i have faith that we would find our way back. He said he simply didn’t know the future and didn’t want to give me false hope. It was hard but i packed my things and moved out. I have not contacted him but i will have to see him/communicate because we share a dog and will share custody. I want it to work out… i just have no idea what to do or if its truly over. His family loves me and still want to see me and be in my life. They have told him that he cant be upset with them still talking to me. I love them too, which hurts so bad. I have no idea what to do to begin to try to get him back.

  2. liya

    September 1, 2020 at 6:39 am

    Me and my BF had been together for 10 month’s, we had both been married before and are separated from our ex’s. We hit it off at work and were inseparable, we were soul mates things were absolutely perfect, we had the odd bickering but nothing serious. One day we had a slight argument as we were suppose to meet and he was hesitating although he had driven by earlier in the day just to see me and I got annoyed, the last thing he said was ok bye and hung up. I tried calling him back but no answer so I thought he needed time to cool down, the weekend passed and he didn’t call and he didn’t reply to me this continued for two weeks, he didn’t answer any of my calls at all or anyone else’s calls. During this time i travelled to the UK and my friend spoke to him, he then called me and said he would pick me up from the airport when i returned and he didn’t. Then he called me and told me everything was fine and he had a lot on his mind. he has a tendency to suffer from depression. I asked him many times if its over tell me don’t ghost me we even spoke about this and he told me if i didn’t want to be with you i would tell you. he said he needed a few days to think. i gave him these few days then tried to reach out we saw each other and we talked he kissed me so passionately but still i was unable to get hold of him after that. he hasn’t split up with me and he doesn’t answer anyone’s calls not even our mutual friends, his sister, any number, what is going on?. i’m so confused he wont split up with me either so i’m left in limbo and i love him but he wont even read messages. i’m currently doing the no contact and on day 5 as before i was really bad and i broke no contact and also his calls three times in the last 6 weeks threw me off guard. i have a one to one coaching session booked on Thursday but i have no idea how i can even reach him if he isn’t even checking his phone.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 10, 2020 at 8:40 pm

      Hey Liya, I am guessing by now you would have had your one to one but definitely go with the advice from your coach 🙂

  3. Kaye

    August 22, 2020 at 10:15 am

    My boyfriend of 2 and half years was feeling depressed for about 3 weeks but then one day said to me that he felt better but his feelings for me hadn’t come back. He wanted to carry on to see if they’d come back but I said no I didn’t want to be with someone who has no feelings for me. I’m trying no contact but we work together so it’s more difficult. It’s been 4 days and I’ve changed my hair dramatically which he told me looked very nice today. But I just smiled, said thank you and walked away. Is it possible that no contact (apart from brief greetings at work) will bring him back to me?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 5, 2020 at 11:43 am

      Hi Kaye, yes it is possible for the limited no contact to have an impact on him, but no contact alone is not going to get your ex back, make sure you read some more articles about the program and spend some time focusing on yourself.

  4. Rose Anne Palencia

    August 8, 2020 at 10:04 am

    I was dumped a couple of days ago for some unknown reason. We’re both doing great before that, we’re on our way to the second month in our relationship (that’s supposed to be next week). A night before he started to ignore me, we were planning our activities and trips together after the pandemic then we said goodnight to each other. That’s when things started to take an awful turn. He stopped communicating to me, I was so frustrated. I didn’t know what went wrong, I mean we never had a fight. I tried to reach out, asked for explanation, asked if he just wanted to have some space or if he wanted to break up with me. There’s no response, not even a dot. I called him only to find out I was blocked. That’s when I stopped bugging him and came across your YouTube video about No Contact Rule. And I thought to myself, I should give it a try.

  5. Nikki

    August 7, 2020 at 11:07 pm

    Hi i was looking to get some insight. Me and my ex of 2 years have a beautiful soon to be 6 month baby boy. We were arguing alot Lately because i would try to pull him in and he would pull away. He started saying he needed space i gave it to him but he decided to leave anyway. He seems to be going through a phase where he wants to party, i also heard he was texting another girl who he had previously had a short term relationship with. Anyways, he went to see a psychiatrist in hopes of sorting out his feelings but all of a sudden he just seems cold (before he would converse alittle see how i was how was my day etc). Also his friends and family are giving him a hard time because they think what he is doing is wrong and a mistake. I have to do LC and contact him everyday as his mother is the one who takes care of our son while we work, so there are pick ups and drop off everyday except weekends… what bothers me is he seems to be fine moving on, however he never even came to pick up his clothes from my house, its almost as if he hasnt yet let go, i would love for us to be a family and work through things . Do you think this can still happen!? We also have a bit of age difference he just turned 26 and im 32 . I love your blog and appreciate any advice you can give me . Thank you

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 17, 2020 at 11:08 pm

      Hey Nikki, following the program and working through the information provided can help you get your ex back, but it means you have to follow through with the advice given. As you share a child you will need to follow a limited no contact, where you only speak about your son and nothing else, avoid spending time with him where and when you can. Allow him to take your child over night / for walks etc.