The no contact rule is the single most recommended and effective technique to follow immediately after your breakup.
We know it works, and we talk about how to make it work all the time, but we rarely talk about the problems you face during it, because believe it or not, it is incredibly difficult to just completely stop talking to someone you were in a relationship with.
The following list consists of hurdles that people like YOU have helped us narrow down via polling on our Instagram page.
I wanted to be sure to address real-life hurdles that people face so I can help them move past those and succeed at the no contact rule.
Now there were a LOT of answers to this as you can see in the graphic below, but some answers were much more frequent than others.
So today I’ll go from most frequent to least frequent hurdles during the no contact rule and how to work past them.
Hurdle # 1: Lacking Emotional Control
This happens right after a breakup when you’re a mess of emotions and you want to see if your ex is hurting on the same level as you are. This is completely normal and perfectly in line with the theory of reactance:
The theory of reactance states that if you take a behavioral freedom away from a person, they’re going to react in a way to try to get that freedom back.
Now we usually use this to describe your ex’s reaction to the no contact rule but we shouldn’t forget about how it can impact you as well. You’re taking your own freedom of talking to your ex away and that can make your emotions go even more haywire because you want to talk to them so badly.
Solution: Focus on something else that matters to you more than your ex/breakup.
Having emotional control during this time can be really hard so one of the best ways to overcome it is just by distracting yourself with something better. This could be your work, your other relationships, or your health. Whatever it is, you need to make sure its more important and powerful than your relationship with your ex so you can almost obsess about that as opposed to obsessing about your ex.
Hurdle # 2: Your Mindset
Ever hear about setting yourself up for failure? Well, that’s what this problematic mindset is all about.
It’s a general unwillingness to believe that it is possible to be successful.
This is when you get overwhelmed with negative thoughts overriding reason or driving you to break the no contact rule. Essentially, this mindset can be summed up with one simple phrase: This isn’t going to work. If you keep telling yourself it won’t work, are you even really giving it a chance?
Now I would love to tell you that the no contact rule can work no matter what situation you find yourself in but that’s simply not true.
To make even matters more complicated, a lot of times the no contact rule might be working but your ex is so prideful, they’re not going to show any of the classic signs that it is working.
In fact, a recent poll in our Facebook group determined that 60% of exes will not respond or reach out to you during the no contact rule.And yet, in 95 percent of our success stories in that same Facebook group, the no contact rule was used in some way, shape, or form.
What does that mean? Simply that the no contact rule is vastly successful but there’s not always an immediate result.
Solution: Stop thinking that your ex will show signs of a successful no contact rule and remember that the no contact rule is more about you than your ex.
Obsessing over not getting immediate results is the worst thing you could do for yourself. This negative mindset can quickly take over the growth mindset that you’re supposed to get from focusing on yourself during the no contact rule. So, just be patient, trust the no contact rule, and keep taking steps to better yourself as an individual.
Hurdle # 3: Self-Discipline
This is just a general lack of follow-through on the no contact by not being able to hold yourself accountable and breaking it early.
So, when we started this poll, I personally thought that this would be the number one hurdle people face because I have estimated that about 80% of people who attempt a no contact will not complete it their first time around.
They’ll break it in some way because they’ll construct these realities in their head that make it okay to break the no contact rule early when they really shouldn’t. It takes a lot of discipline and self-control when you’re in the middle of a no contact rule, but that is why it is so important for you to find something more important to focus on as opposed to your ex.
There’s no getting rid of the constant thoughts that you’re gonna be having after a breakup where you’re constantly obsessing about that person. You’re thinking about what they’re doing or who they’re with and all these questions can instill fear in you.
That fear can kind of take hold of you and allow you to feel like you NEED to take your shot a little bit earlier than is necessary, but that’s where self-discipline comes in. And for that you need to hold yourself accountable, but how?
Solution: Delete your ex’s phone number or get support to talk you out of breaking the no contact rule.
Getting rid of your ex’s number is my best advice if you lack self-discipline. You can do this by either blocking your ex, deleting their number and entrusting it to a friend who will give it to you after no contact rule is completed or if you have a bit more control, you can change your ex’s name on your phone to “do not contact”. That slight nudge and warning might be enough to stop you from texting/calling them.
Now if you need a bit more help, I’d highly recommend joining our private Facebook support group so that every time you feel like breaking the no contact rule, you can post there and have members hold you accountable and talk you out of it. I feel like this works really well because you know that those people have either been where you are or are going through it with you.
Hurdle # 4: The Grass Is Greener Syndrome
This one is straightforward – your ex is on the hunt for or has already found someone better than you.
Breakups are essentially your ex admitting that they think they can do better than you. This is called the grass is greener syndrome when your ex has been with you for a certain amount of time and they want to explore their options because they think the grass is greener on the other side.
Now, in our experience, you need to let your ex experience the other side so they can truly realize what they’ve lost with you.
I know its definitely not easy to wrap your head around the idea of your ex being with someone else, but if that’s what it takes for them to see how good they had it with you, it’s totally worth it. But what if the suspense is too unbearable for you?
Solution: The “being there” method of purposefully friend zoning yourself.
Now, this is a morally grey strategy so it’s not for everyone but it basically entails acting like you’re just friends with your ex so you can get close to them again.
You can slowly make your way into having deep conversations with your ex so he relies on you for emotional support again, instead of his new girlfriend. Often times, this will intimidate their new girlfriend and she might just end up sabotaging their relationship out of jealousy.
Hurdle # 5: Your Exes Emotion
This is basically where your ex has flat out told you that they never want to see or speak to you again and essentially made the breakup seem finite.
For a lot of women and even men, this is the most terrifying thing or hurdle to overcome because it’s so “final” that they don’t see a way back from it. They believe that their ex truly meant what they said and the truth is they probably did… in that specific moment.
Solution: Try to understand WHY your ex said those words and realize that such words are not set in stone.
Often times your ex will say hurtful things like this right at the end of the relationship when their negative emotions are taking over. So even though they might have meant what they said, it doesn’t mean they’ll feel the same way in a few months or a year.
People can and do change their feelings and take back their words, especially those said in such highly volatile emotional episodes. So what you need to do is work on building the foundation for a better future relationship so your ex can see you in a new light. This way, your ex will know that they haven’t peeled back all your layers and they do not understand who you are fully so their previous words don’t apply to this new version of you.
I also highly suggest that you watch the success story playlist on our Youtube channel because you’ll be surprised to see how many of those people heard something along the lines of “I hate you and will never get back with you”. Yet, they made it and so can you!
Hurdle #6: You’ve Been Blocked Or Disconnected
I don’t think I need to spell this one out too much but basically, this is where you’ve been blocked on social media, on the phone, email, or perhaps even, all of the above.
The first thing you need to understand is that your ex probably blocked you because of an emotional knee-jerk response. They probably felt like they HAD to do it because that’s what people do. So there might not have been a real reason for them blocking you.
So, most of the time, your ex will probably unblock you at some point because of their curiosity so it’s best to just wait it out.
But here’s where the difference between a hard block and a soft block comes into play:
- Soft block – when you’re blocked on one or more media of communication, but there is still at least one way open.
- Hard block – when you’re blocked on every communication medium possible, leaving no room for future interactions.
Knowing the difference between a soft and hard block is essential because there are different ways to handle each one.
Solution: Wait out a soft block and try the “I broke my phone and had to change my number” strategy for a hard block.
Usually, an ex will unblock you in some way with most soft blocks (and even some hard blocks), so you should just spend your time living your best life and sharing it on social media so they have something to look at when they unblock you.
Hard blocks are harder to get around and the only strategy I’ve seen work is one where you essentially buy a new phone and number and send out a mass text to your contacts saying “This is ___. I broke my phone so here’s my new number.”
Now I did not invent this idea so I can’t take credit for it and honestly I only recommend it in the most extreme situations. People tend to jump the gun on this one and do it way earlier than necessary and they fail. And be warned that this strategy only works about 50% of the time so there’s a 50-50 shot that your ex could respond to you or end up blocking you again.
Hurdle # 7: You Were Unprepared
This is basically where you were blindsided by the breakup don’t have a lot of understanding as to why it happened.
This hurdle relates to my wavelength theory of communication in a relationship. I believe that people speak and communicate on different wavelengths. These wavelengths don’t just apply to the words people use, but their body language and other non-verbal communication cues as well.
So when someone says their breakup came out of the blue that tells me that they weren’t truly listening to their ex because they were on different wavelengths. I’ll give you a prime example of this.
Let’s say you had been pushing your ex to go ring shopping, and after some resistance, he gave in. Now you may see this as “oh, he’s finally ready” whereas he’s just doing it to appease you so you’d stop talking about the same thing. When you take this act as sort of a declaration of undying love in which he is going to propose to you, you’re purposefully glossing over his hesitation in the beginning.
So now you’re entering into the circumstances thinking he’s going to propose in a few months where he’s just seeing it as an unnecessary shopping trip – hence you’re both on different wavelengths.
Solution: Look back at your relationship and identify instances of communication breakdowns between you and your ex where you were on different wavelengths.
Just because the breakup took you by surprise doesn’t mean getting back together has to as well. You need to eliminate that uncertainty by using the no contact period to think back to times in your relationship where your ex was hesitant about something and you ignored it because that’s the stuff you will need to address if you want them back.
Hurdle #8: Time Has Passed Since The Breakup
This is when you think too much time has passed since your breakup so you’re scared it’s too late.
Now maybe you didn’t know about the strategies of getting your ex back when you broke up or maybe you didn’t want them back at that time, whatever your reason was, now you feel like you’ve lost your shot.
Here’s the thing – I’m not going to sugarcoat the fact that timing does matter a lot throughout this process. We consistently see that the longer you are removed from your breakup, the less your chances of getting your ex back become.
Solution: Don’t lose hope and give it a shot anyway.
While, on average, prospects of getting your ex back start looking bleaker as time passes, we have seen success stories where couples get back together after years of being apart. It’s rare, but who’s to say that couldn’t be you?
On a practical side, I’d say that the extent to which timing affects the no contact rule is different for every situation. As a rule of thumb, if it has been a year since your breakup, trying the no contact rule might not be as effective as doing it right off the bat. However, if you’re within the 3-4 month range, it might still work for you!
Hurdle #9: Rumination
This is when you’re so focused on dwelling on the past, either the good times or the bad times, that you don’t necessarily make the necessary moves that you need to make.
Now, what are these “moves”? Well, it all basically boils down to becoming the ultimate Ungettable girl.
Men want what they can’t have, so it’s up to you to become your ex’s ultimate desire.
Solution: Let go of the past and become and showcase your Ungettable mindset.
Thinking about the past during a no contact rule is pretty normal but a great way to move past that is to invest your time and energies into becoming the best possible version of yourself so that men (including your ex) are more attracted to you.
This can include anything from joining a fitness class to going and traveling the world.
Basically, take care of yourself and become the woman that every man wants and can’t have.
Hurdle #10: External difficulties.
This is where your sphere of influence that does not support your relationship or understand your desire to get back with your ex comes into play.
Your sphere of influence basically consists of people you surround yourself with whose opinions really matter to you. These people are your emotional and moral support, but what happens when they are not on board with you getting your ex back?
Some people might just express their disapproval and some others might even try to belittle you by calling you dumb or stupid for trying to re-establish your relationship. Your close friends and family can be so clouded by how your ex hurt you that they’re unable to get off that hate train and all they want is for you to be over them.
Solution: Surround yourself with likeminded people who are going through exactly what you’re going through
I know the whole “they don’t get me” line can seem a bit immature but sometimes it’s just true. Not everyone can relate to your feelings as you try to get your ex back and that’s why I recommend finding the people who do.
Everyone who buys my program gets access to the ex-boyfriend recovery Facebook group where they can interact with people in the same position as them. The group has created a kind of sisterhood or brotherhood of individuals who can buckle down and help each other out in all sorts of ways and these people would never be detrimental to your success like your current sphere of influence may be.
Hurdle #11: Distance
Now we all know long-distance relationships or moving apart can have a big impact on a breakup.
People often ask if doing a no contact rule is even effective if you’ve broken up because of long-distance or because of moving apart?
The answer is yes, it can still be incredibly effective… given you don’t put a timeline on fixing everything.
The number one mistake that women fall into when they are broken up because of a long-distance relationship is putting a timeline on fixing things. This is especially true if they have an ex who’s getting deployed in the army because they feel like they have to get their ex back before they deploy.
That’s never the smart thing to do. Putting a time frame on how long it will take to get your ex back will just make you more anxious.
Solution: Accept that it might take a bit longer than usual.
The best solution is to accept the fact that it will take a bit longer than average to successfully recover your relationship. The sooner you accept and embrace this fact, the sooner you can start working on yourself to emerge successful at the other side of the no contact rule.
Hurdle #12: Cheating
This one’s mostly for if you cheated on your ex and they said there was no way to get past it.
I think people struggle with the no contact rule in these specific circumstances because they feel like they just need to fix everything as soon as possible. But here’s the thing: if you broke your ex’s heart by cheating on them, you can’t just make up for it in a day.
You’re just not going to be able to get into a conversation with your ex immediately and fix it right off the bat. It’s going to take time and energy and you’re going to have to be willing to commit yourself to the process.
Nine times out of ten, most people aren’t willing to commit themselves to the process because it takes a lot of time and dedication to rebuild that trust.
Another important aspect here is to understand the differences between why men and women cheat. For the most part, men cheat simply because of physical reasons but women cheat when they’re completely checked out of a relationship.
So when a man cheats, he may still be in love with who he cheated on, but its usually not the same way for women who cheated. But there are always exceptions like women who come to us after cheating who desperately want their ex back.
Solution: Explore WHY you cheated and evaluate whether that relationship and person is worth getting back.
This boils down to whether you cheated for no real reason, or whether you were completely checked out of the relationship because you felt like you were being denied something you deserved.
If your reason has to do with them not providing something that you absolutely need in a relationship, I hate to break it to you but that might change for a little bit when you get them back but they will eventually fall back into their old ways. They will not permanently change themselves and you will probably be driven to cheat again.
The no contact rule is difficult to go through and many people face the same unexpected hurdles during it.
The good news is that there is almost always a solution to your problems and I hope this article was able to address some of your reservations too!