By Sarah Drees

One day the two of you were together, holding hands and perfectly happy. Then, the breakup happened.

When the breakup happened you probably thought it couldn’t get worse. But now that you have been split up for a bit, you are noticing that your ex has changed.

Making life changes after a breakup is pretty normal. I mean, we basically tell you to make your life better during No Contact.

How Guys Handle Breakups

Let’s face it. Guys are confusing already. But understanding how guys handle breakups is kind of imperative to understanding why he has changed.

So, consider this “Understanding How Guys Handle Breakups 101.”

Like I said before, guys aren’t very transparent about their feelings when you’re dating them. So, it’s understandable that he isn’t LESS confusing now that you’ve broken up. Right?

Now, that you have split up, you are probably feeling very emotional and all you want to do is talk about how you are feeling. Men are different though. Guys are more likely to avoid acknowledging that they are feeling anything.

Think about it for a second. Guys go their whole lives being told that they need to be “tough.” Crying it out with his friends over some wine and binging rom-coms just doesn’t work for guys.

Over time, the feelings catch up with them, though.

Why am I telling you all of this?

Well, if you are noticing changes in your ex right after the breakup, it is likely that some of these changes are his way of avoiding his feelings.

Here are a few of the ways that avoidance manifests.

Types of Changes

  • He Acts Like He Doesn’t Care
  • He’s Being A Jerk
  • He Started Dating Someone New
  • He Is Partying A Lot
  • He Is Posting A Lot On Social Media
  • He’s Doing Some Really Dumb Stuff (getting into trouble, making poor choices, hanging out with not-so-great people, etc.)
  • Physical Changes (good or bad)
  • Treating His New Girlfriend Better Than He Treated You

It’s hard to watch someone you love change, especially when they are making dumb choices. But it can be even harder to watch them grow in positive ways without you.

But, hey! I don’t have to tell you that. You’re seeing it as we speak.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Permanent Changes vs Temporary Changes

How do you know if the changes you are seeing your ex boyfriend go through are temporary or permanent? Let’s get a better idea of how long these changes may last.

Timing

The time and the timing of the changes are going to be key to determining if the change is temporary or more permanent.

The longer a change lasts, the more likely it is to be permanent.

The sooner after a breakup, the more likely the change is to be temporary.

Let me give you an example.

Let’s say following the breakup, your boyfriend went skydiving and is doing a lot of daredevil like activities.

“Woah, this is weird and out of character He is afraid of heights.”

I would initially say that these changes are temporary and he’s likely using them as an outlet to keep his mind off of the breakup.

But, if it is three months after the breakup and he’s done three different jumps, gone rock climbing, and has booked a trip to go surfing in Maui the following summer. I would say the daredevil bug has been caught and those changes are going to be permanent.

Do you see the difference?

Investment

If you’ve read Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro, you know that investment equals commitment. So, if your ex is putting a lot of money and time into the changes that he has made, then it is likely that he won’t be going back to his old ways soon.

For example, going out and drinking a lot doesn’t require a lot of investment. Furthermore, when it does start to cost him the big bucks it is likely that it will start to take more TIME to recover and it will affect his SLEEP schedule. He will be less likely to find this activity as appealing.

Although, drinking on that level does run the risk of becoming an addiction, so it could fall into that “bad decisions” category. You know your ex though. So, you can probably guess better than I can at whether he has an addictive personality or not.

If he does have an addictive personality, it might be harder to come back from decisions involving alcohol or drugs. So, that is something to factor into to determining whether it is a permanent change or not.

Changes that require a lot of investment would be learning a new skill, like playing an instrument or picking up a new hobby.

The one thing that could be hard to determine would be if he is getting into shape. The reason this is so difficult is that the secret lies in his intention or driving force.

If he is getting in shape to get a revenge bod or so he can move on, it would likely be temporary. This is because the reasons for doing it aren’t long-term.

If he is doing it to make a healthy life change, then it’s probably a more permanent change. Generally, if you are dealing with issues like heart problems or blood pressure, a breakup can be just the kick you need to get your butt in gear.

Common Sense

Here is the golden factor in determining whether or not a change is permanent or temporary: Common sense.

Yes, it is as simple as that.

  • You know people.
  • You know him.
  • You know his personality.

Most of the time you can sit back and wait.

If the changes stick around… permanent. If they don’t, then… temporary.

But, knowing your ex, you can likely guess which way it is going to go.

What Should You Do?

Alright, so you likely fall into one of two camps; either you CAN or you CAN’T accept the changes your ex has made.

Either way, now that you are broken up, there isn’t really much you can do to affect his decisions. You can’t tell him what to do. He’s his own person.

So, go ahead and take a moment to accept that fact. Go on. I’ll wait.

Temporary Changes

The downside of temporary changes is that the only thing you can do is wait them out. The upside is that they don’t last forever.

Negative Changes With Permanent Effects

So, let’s say he’s making some not-so-great decisions that could have life-long consequences. Maybe he’s getting into trouble or sleeping around. Maybe he’s on his way to getting a DWI.

When your ex is making bad choices, there is really nothing you can do short of voicing your opinion. The problem with voicing your opinion is that it will likely make him see you as an enemy. And that is something you definitely don’t want if your goal is to get him back.

What you could do is touch base with a mutual friend or his family and essentially ask them to be there for him since you can’t. You have to do this with a light touch. Otherwise, it seems like you are trying to control him. No one wants a controlling girlfriend, let alone a controlling ex girlfriend.

So, if you do decide to ask them to do you a favor, I would word it like this.

“Hey, I’m not saying it’s my business since we aren’t together anymore, but I’ve heard that Matt has been doing some stuff that is out of character. And even though we aren’t together I still want the best for him, so I was wondering if you’d do me a favor and be there for him and have his back if he needs it. That’s all.”

It acknowledges that know that you aren’t together and that you don’t expect to get back together. (not that you won’t get back together. It’s just that having expectations can be just as scary to a guy.) But it also establishes that you still care and you want the best for him even if it means you aren’t the one that is there for him through it.

Then there is the chance that he is just being a jerk or acting crazy. In this situation, he isn’t considering a future for the two of you. Instead, he is being driven by emotion.

It is up to you if you decide you want to still take him back after he’s acted this way. Here is an interview Chris did with Marni Battista, a personal dating coach, about how to decide if your ex is even right for you.

Permanent Changes

“My ex boyfriend has changes completely.”

Any permanent changes your ex could have made fall into two categories.

He is acting like he’s changed into a different person.

or

He has stopped hiding the person he really was.

Either way, you have to decide if the person he is becoming is a person that you still want to be with.

If not, let him go. It’s that simple. (Note that I said simple, not easy.)

If you can see yourself dating this new person he has become, then follow the Ex Boyfriend Recovery process.

Essentially, you will be starting a new relationship with a new person AND getting your ex back if he has made significant changes. I mean, think about it. It’ll be like dating a new person anyways.

How do you think a relationship is going to play out if you date someone new and try to turn them into your ex?

Not well, right?

Then, you have to take into account that we all try to put our best foot forward in the beginning of a relationship. I have a friend who pretended to be vegan at the beginning of a relationship and ended up eating vegan and sneaking hamburgers and steak for years… years!

So, if you find yourself thinking,

“My ex is not even the person I thought he was,”

…you have to take into account that it’s possible he was avoiding behaving a certain way to appeal to you or the relationship and now he’s simply reverting back to the person he was before he met you.

If that’s the case, this falls along the same lines as the other situation. And again the real question is, can you live with whatever that means? Can you live with the person he has become?

But, if you want to know if it is possible to get him back if he’s changed since the breakup, then yes. It IS possible.

The only alterations to the EBR process that I would recommend would be not to rely so heavily on the past. Yes, it exists, but he is clearly trying to distance himself from the person he was.

And when it comes to No Contact, perhaps a longer one (45 days) would be better here so you can:

  • make some changes of your own to match up with his, (assuming they were positive changes)
  • come to terms with losing the “old him”
  • rediscover who you are as a person (you wouldn’t jump from a breakup straight into a relationship with someone new without getting your head straight. You should do the same in starting a new relationship with your “new” ex)

What Have We Learned?

Here’s a quick reminder that making changes after a breakup is normal.

The hard part is realizing that there is not much you can do to stop him from making changes since you aren’t together at the moment.

Basically, you have to ask yourself a question:

“Are these changes something that I can live with if we were to get back together?”

Don’t go into trying to get him back thinking that you can turn him back into the guy you used to love.

I see a lot of women try to do that and it doesn’t work that way. If that is what you came here looking for, then I suggest you think it over. Hoping to change someone is never a good basis going into a relationship, whether it’s brand new or simply salvaging an old one.

If, after considering that, you still want to get your ex back, you simply have to adjust the EBR Pro Program focusing mainly on the following without relying too heavily on the past:

  1. Starting with No Contact
  2. Becoming Ungettable
  3. Reconnecting and Building a New Relationship from the Ground Up

Yes, I simplified, but for the love of everything that there is if you do the program… follow it!

Don’t use the fact that I didn’t list every single step as an excuse to skip the ones I didn’t list. It only works if you commit to it fully. A lot of the failures we see in this program come from people saying, my situation is different so, that clearly doesn’t apply to me.

The most important part, I think, for you is to work on becoming Ungettable. If you are confused when I say Ungettable watch the video below that Chris made specifically explaining what being Ungettable means.

Being ungettable in your current situation can be effectual either way. If your ex is behaving badly, he will want to be better in order to get you back. If he is bettering himself, then he will want you back because he knows he needs someone who is on his level.

So, I want to know about your particular situation. In the comments below tell me about your breakup. Our experts will help you figure out what your next move should be.

  1. What are the details surrounding your breakup?
  2. What changes are you seeing in your ex?
  3. What do you think your next move should be after reading this article and the other EBR material?

Let’s talk this through together and get your ex back!

What to Read Next

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Why Does My Ex Talk To Me And Then Ignore Me?

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How To Make Him Want You Back

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16 thoughts on “He Changed After We Broke Up; Can I Still Get Him Back?”

  1. Avatar

    Tina

    April 19, 2020 at 11:43 pm

    My boyfriend broke up with me in December because he doesn’t think we want the same things out of life and because I do not follow his religion, which is a massive part of his life. Since we broke he has come back to me a few times for emotional support, but this has now faded out. He has changed quite a lot since we were together and has put more importance into his religion and becoming closer to God. We still speak but he is adamant he cannot make me happy and give me what I want but he forgets he made me happy when we were together, and I just love and want him!

  2. Avatar

    Jord

    March 30, 2020 at 4:32 pm

    My ex and i broke up in october, he was still in love but felt trapped and controlled because we argued quite a bit, and also wanted out because he knew i wasnt and had never been in love with him. After breakup i got the feeling of being in love (my mind playing tricks?). We worked on being friends, it was very important to both of us. Then we had another fight in february, after which he said he cared deeply for me and that this would be hard for him too, but we couldnt be friends anymore, because he didnt see things getting out of the same pattern and he had to learn to stop putting me first. Basically: cant be friends anymore because he cares so much about me he forgets about himself and feels trapped. He was determined and calm. After two weeks he stopped me on the street (i didnt see him at first) gave me a hug and asked what i where i was going. Short convo. After that, i didnt speak to him for 5 weeks. I reached out (text) the other day (7 weeks post fight), he had apparently blocked my number but still had me on social media. He told me I have to stop trying to be friends, he is sorry and hopes im doing better but says it will never happen. Ever. He is still determined and calm, seems exactly the same as 7 months ago. He seems to only remember the negative about our relationship although most was actually positive. In august he will move far away for uni, time stresses me out. I dont think my feeling of being in love is real, i never felt it in our relationship, only post breakup, but i need him back in my life. Now i dont know what to do, seing as he after time still acts cold, determined and calm. What can i do? Is there hope? Will he forever only remember the negative?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 30, 2020 at 8:15 pm

      Hi Jord, I am just wondering if you have read and followed the advice given about the Holy Trinity? If not then I would start doing that now. As your ex was cold to you when you say you need him back in your life you are showing that you are focusing on him and not you. This changes the dynamics of how your relationship is going to develop when you speak to him again. But also keep in mind you are starting fresh – treating him like a stranger and building up your way up the value ladder

  3. Avatar

    Cee

    January 22, 2020 at 11:02 pm

    I’m a bit embarrassed

    We were friends first and started getting closer. We were dealing with each other a little over 2 years and boom! I get pregnant. He split from me because of our differences about the children (keeping it vs abortion). And he cut ties. Two weeks later he came back and we messed around and i guess he supposedly wanted to try again, but i did something else recently, and then he separated himself from me again. He came back recently and now he’s acting like a jerk. This is not what i want for my life so I’m ready for him to chase me and fix the error that i caused before its too late. This is the second month and i know time is of the essence. I also think im wasting my time but I’m not sure. I just feel lost and hopeless at this point. (I’ve already started to focus on myself so I’m in a better place than a few weeks ago so I’m ready to see if this could work)

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 23, 2020 at 10:00 am

      Hi Cee, there is nothing to be embarrassed about here. Everyone has their own story and situation. So you need to read about what limited no contact is and how to follow it when you are pregnant. Keep working on yourself during this time and reach out to him at the end. Don’t think of this as a deadline with time just focus on reading the process and keeping to the steps that Chris goes through in his articles and videos

  4. Avatar

    Lesley

    November 3, 2019 at 7:39 pm

    Hi, this was me and my ex boyfriend’s first relationship, we had been together for 9 months.

    We broke up in March 2019 and haven’t been really contacting each other since. What broke us up was we kept having the same arguments (which were of him not making time for me. He would have school and help his parents with fixing their house and then play video games and not want to message me after ignoring me for 8+ hours. We’d see each other for a few hours once a week but that was because I set the date up) and I guess it was too much so we split during an argument while I was overseas for language school. We kept contact while I was overseas until I got home and he called and says “I don’t think we should let this come between us” and he just stopped replying to my messages so I took it as it was definitely over and stopped messaging him. We used see each other twice a month since we have the same class (no talking between us, but he listens into any conversations I have with others) and he’s contacted me twice since I’ve gotten back, both times were about him being worried about a person and if I could pray for them.

    What’s been mind boggling for me is how he’s kind of changed in the past few months. They’re not huge changes but subtle ones. He used to absolutely hate his face being on social media, he actually never let me post pictures with his face without it being cover by something which I respected because I thought he might be self conscious about it. Recently, a mutual friend who is also his best friend has been posting pictures and videos of him without his face covered and he’s been doing a lot of flexing and goofing around.

    I honestly am not sure what to think/do about this. I think about him a lot and miss him but this change is slightly unsettling and I still wonder if he even cared at all. I do think about if he wanted to get back together, what would happen and I’m very hesitant to let him back because I’m worried the same thing will happen again (emotional immaturity and his intruding parents) and this change is temporary. I haven’t seen him in two months since I have been working during my class hours so I haven’t felt out if it’s real or not. I’m honestly not sure if I’m over it yet, I actually am suspecting that I’ve been trying to bury myself in work to avoid thinking about it so I try to let myself figure things out by talking to my best friend and she’s been helping as much as she can. I have done No Contact a few times, I think it’s been three months since we last messaged. I’m just not sure what to do now?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 9, 2019 at 7:12 pm

      So as you have not spoken to him in such a long time he will be getting to a stage where he is over the break up and the relationship. But dont worry, you need to approach him with a nice friendly text and ask for advice on something you know he would be interested in talking to you about. and then re build your connection from there

  5. Avatar

    Lola

    November 3, 2019 at 6:01 pm

    Me and my ex were close friends before being a couple we motivated each other he was in school doing good and having a good behavior I broke up with him but we kept being friends but he still wanted to get back together at the time I was not ready to commit so he decided to get in a relationship with someone else but he was not trying to tell me I found out by a mutual friend. He still wanted to be friends and he would still text me but unfortunately I was so hurt to find out about he’s reationship since we was still messing around when he got with the girl so I let my anger get the best out of me and completely went off on him and cut him off. It’s been 5 months and I been hearing how he drop out of college he’s been making poor decisions I heard he’s new relationship toxic and he became someone else I still care about him and it hurts me to see what he’s doing because we talked about our dreams and worked hard together and now he’s throwing everything for a girl I would talk to him but since he has a girlfriend I don’t wanna make them think I want him back I just feel worried as a friend and I been sad about it I know I need to let go of him and the idea of who he pretended to be but it’s hard I just our mutual friend to talk to him since I can’t. It seems like after me he’s behavior went down hill and his decisions I been feeling really sad about it

  6. Avatar

    Casey

    October 7, 2019 at 10:28 am

    My boyfriend and I had been together over 2years. He had been saying he needed to figure out what he wanted and that he needed to work through some stuff in our last couple of months together. We broke up and a week later we went to return each other’s stuff and I knew something was a miss. I managed to get him to finally fess up and as it turned out he had already been with another girl. He had been texting and hanging out with the girl in the months he had said he didn’t know he wanted. He is with this person but I don’t recognize him. Could he have been pretending for 2years? So many things he said he wasn’t interested in and he disliked are now what he is involved with. And he’s even become quite cruel but apologises for it? He set some rules when we broke up and I agreed but he’s broken all of them. I don’t know if I should be worried or get my head examined. I genuinely thought this person was my forever person. I’ve had relationships but feelings with him hit like a freight train. Also when we broke up he did say about the possibility of getting back together in the future even if we had partners in between? So confused.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 7, 2019 at 11:40 am

      Hey Casey, so the “possible” get back together even if ‘we’ have other partners between is him trying to soften the blow of the break up. He wanted the break up and he wanted to cheat so you need to take a step back and go into a NC and work on yourself, heal from what you’ve had to go through during the breakup and then make yourself happy. Find your happy place while single. Work on being Ungettable Girl and then from there you can start the being there method on your ex if you decide you want him back. As for him doin things that he isnt interested in when he was with you, at this point he is just doing it to impress the new girl and convince himself that he likes it because she does. This will slow down eventually when he shows who he really is. You can’t lie about who you are for a two year relationship.

      I also HIGHLY recommend you date casually, just getting to know some people. Im not saying get into a new relationship just spend some time with new guys and see what you do and dont like about other people it will help you even though some dates wont be great you’ll start to learn what you accept and wont in a future partner

  7. Avatar

    Kaylin

    June 6, 2019 at 10:52 pm

    My ex and I been together for almost 2 years and we been having a lot of fights so we went on a break, then we broke up. 2 days after I ask him for a second chance and he said that we would never get back together, because it puts more harm in the relationship. Two weeks later he is already in another relationship. Is it a rebound? And will he come back?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 6, 2019 at 11:49 pm

      It does have the trappings of a rebound. You should consider No contact and getting up to speed on the entire ex recovery process. My website is a great resource or consider my Program which dives into lots of details.

  8. Avatar

    Kalel

    May 1, 2018 at 1:03 pm

    Hi, first serious relationship here. About a year and a half and basically; i always had more power in the relationship, which made him feel insecure and clingy. i pushed him away when things started becoming stressful in my life. he asked for a break and tried to get me back, but i was too emotional over other problems. about 2 weeks later, he encountered some stressful life situations of his own, so he broke things off with me over text and asked to be friends, saying he cant sustain a relationship and needs to focus on his studies. i understood that and was willing to stick by his side as his best friend. However, i’ve found out recently that he’s been acting like a real jerk when im not around. he discussed our breakup with all our mutual friends, even people he wasnt close to. basically making sure everyone believe he’s the victim, that i did him wrong and deserve to have my heart broken. many friends believe this and seem to take pity on me, which is a big no in my book. according to some friends, hes acting like our relationship never existed, showing everyone that he’s having fun and is showing signs of finding a rebound. he started hanging out with a group of people who make questionable choices like drinking, drugs and prostitution. he is young, comes from a troubled family, and now is surrounded by disingenuous friends. i failed at no contact because i wanted him to know that im there for him through tough times, but i realize that could have been a mistake. i dont want to perpetuate the image of a desperate ex like his ego wants me to be, so im beginning NC. i believe these are temporary changes, as he as a history of not being able to handle emotions and being rash when confronted with stress, but really worry for his well being. to be honest however a big part of me is also tired of being hurt by his out of characterness. i know the biggest likelihood is that i’ll have to let him go forth and learn by making these dumb choices, so is there any advice you have on keeping a level head while witnessing or hearing about him being a jerk? it might sound naive but i have faith in believing he’s a good person, i believe good people make bad choices.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 1, 2018 at 4:43 pm

      I agree Kalel….good people do make bad choices…but they can learn from them. I agree he is acting like a bad boy right now. I think beginning NC was a good choice. I hope you picked up my ebook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” (go to website Menu/Products link for details!) as it serves as a comprehensive breakup guide. There are various things you can do to optimize your chances while in your NC period. Your own self healing is really important and I cover that. You also should consider joining my Private Facebook Support Group Community (has about 1500 women now in it). Lots of synergy and people helping people. I do weekly Facebook lives with the Group. Let me know how things go Kalel

  9. Avatar

    Amera

    April 6, 2018 at 8:03 pm

    My ex is getting married.And he sended invitation card to me.should I attend it?? confused.

    1. Jennifer Seiter

      Jennifer Seiter

      April 7, 2018 at 2:57 am

      That’s really strange. No I don’t think you should go to his wedding. If you want him back you can text or call him and talk to him about the invitation and find out if he really wants to get married and why he sent you the invitation.