Here’s How To Deal With Anxiety In Your Breakup

Will Text Messages Be THE THING That Gets Your Ex Back?

Play Podcast EpisodeOpens Up Podcast Player

Stop me if I sound like a broken record but going through a breakup is the equivalent of going through a cocaine withdrawal.

Now, that’s a pretty bold statement but it’s actually true.

Studies have proven that the part of the brain that becomes active when you are heartbroken is the same part of the brain that lights up in cocaine addiction.

You aren’t in your right mind to even think about getting an ex back (if that’s even what you want.)

And to top it off the amount of anxiety you are experiencing with a breakup can be overwhelming for a lot of people which is why I brought Gina Ryan, from “The Anxiety Coaches Podcast” onto the show today to give you some techniques that you can use to deal with the anxiety that you are experiencing in your breakup.

How To Deal With Anxiety In Your Breakup

What We Talk About In This Episode

  • Gina’s inspiring story about how she handled her anxiety struggles
  • My familiarity with panic attacks
  • The affect anxiety can have on your body (hint hint: it’s not good!)
  • The two fold strategy for handling anxiety issues
  • The RAIN acronym

Important Links Mentioned In This Episode

Interview Transcript:

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Alright, So I want to take a moment to welcome Gina Ryan to the show. How are you doing Gina?

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Great! Chris, thank you so much for having me.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, a pleasure. Gina’s got an interesting–well, I think when I was looking at your podcast. Gina runs The Anxiety Coaches podcast which is really, really great but I’m kind of interested  in the origin’s story to what led you to the podcast because I think a lot of people, they’re going through break ups, they might be able to get something out. They might be able to relate.

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Sure, yeah because I’ve had a big breakup in my life right? I think, everybody’s had break ups but anxiety, how did I get there? I had anxiety when I was a young adult. So, I would say, after high school. I didn’t have anxiety in high school. I was kind of like 18-19, at a time when, we’re talking back in the early 70s for me.

So this was, you know, you’re out on your own. There was college and then not college and I know people can relate to that. Boyfriends and then not boyfriends and just a lot of –so what actually brings on people’s anxiety is hard to pin point. I have a couple of things that were big that happened but I think you’re either ripe for it or you’re not. So, I had probably been building up to when I had blood sugar issues on my life you know. So, that’s a big piece because it can be very easily confused when we get into that later.

You know, I just was kind of unsure where I was going, what I was doing, I was so young. I graduated high school when I was 17. So, it was a lot of insecurities maybe going on for me. And I started noticing, I would get nervous about things than, what I called, beyond nervous. Like I was worrying about things that weren’t happening. They weren’t happening and I would be not wanting to go places as much but through all this, I met a wonderful man. I got married, had children. I actually suffered with different levels of anxiety for probably 15-20 years.

Like I said, it’s hard to pin point when it’s exactly started and it’s also hard to pin point exactly when it stops and I try to tell people this because it is isn’t like a light switch. So, I had it for a long time through–like I said, I met a wonderful man. We married, we had children, we had a business together but–I want to say- I got through my anxiety first and then I had my divorce and my break up and those things. And that’s how I knew everything was–I was really ok.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

So, you went through that big break up essentially and you were ok after. Because you think that would be like the trigger moment that–

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

That will kill you..

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Right. Panic attack or something like that.

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Yes, and another thing before that was that my son was in college. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if I talked about this. He had a very big accident. He had very big accident in college and it was that phone call in the middle night where every mother–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

You’re dreading that.

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Yeah, you think you would die and back when I had anxiety. I could have thought, “Oh my god! You can’t live through something like that.” You just turn into a puddle on the floor but it’s not. When you have yourself back together again, like and I thought. “Oh my god! These things I can live through that I couldn’t even.”

just thinking about those things when I had anxiety would have made my heart race. It would have made me scared but everything that life brought me I could handle and I did handle with grace and with ease. I mean, did I cry? Was I anxious? Was I uncomfortable? Yes. But did I go down that, what I call the wormhole of anxiety? No.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

So, I guess, I’m just kind of curious. When you say you had issues with anxiety, are we talking full on panic attacks? Like how would it manifest itself?

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Yeah, I did. I would have panic attacks occasionally. And that’s just that, they come and they go. Panic attacks always ebbs and flows and it goes and it’s the racing heart and it’s the sweating and the feeling of impending doom. You really think this is it. I’m just dying. I’m driving a car on the highway and all of a sudden I think I’m going to die. It doesn’t make a lot of sense until you understand what’s happening. Yes, I have those. I kept pulling myself through them because this was a long time ago. People weren’t talking about this.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah. A taboo subject back then.

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Well, not so much taboo, just not know. I remember watching television one night–because I went to a doctor once and all he wanted to do was give me sleeping pill because he thought, “Well, maybe you’re not sleeping.” It didn’t really make any sense but he didn’t know what else to do. Like I probably sounded, well like cookoo because that’s how you feel. So, you don’t talk to anybody about it because nobody else is talking about it.

So, I had a time where–so, the doctor’s not helping me. I can’t do that. And I finally figure out, by watching television at night, late night tv, my ex husband had–at that time, he was working at nights and I’m watching this late night tv, the kids are in bed. She’s describing me to a T. She’s got this 6 or 9 casette tapes or the series and she called it, Anxiety. Suffering with Anxiety and I said, “Oh my god, that’s what I have!” And it was like hundreds of dollars. It was some, you know crazy price back in those days.

And I was like but I didn’t even care what it was. All I knew was that there was a name for what I had and somebody else understood it. So, there’s no internet right? So, how do you get things done? I’m going to libraries. You know, it was always in my interest anyway. I was always been like wanting to be self realized and understanding life and so we did a lot of research like that. It took me down some spiritual paths but yes, I had panic attacks and I had what was just like a  daily anxiety of that feeling of impending doom.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop. When’s it going to happen? I was one of those people that was always scanning the horizon looking for trouble. If it wasn’t for me, once I had kids, I put it on the kids. Something’s going to happen to my children you know? And other people put it on their relationship or a really common one that I help people deal with is health right? So, we can put our focus out to anyone and that’s why the cure is not the relationship or the health issue or the children. It’s about taking care of that anxiety root.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, it’s interesting. The reason I think I ask about the panic attacks is because I had never seen one ever in my life before but I remember in college, I went out–in college, we had this extra credit assignment where a group of us would go to a museum. It was some sort of art museum or something and so we went to this museum and of the girls in my class had a panic attack. And at first, I had never seen one before but she’s exactly what you described.

She’s breathing heavy, it was almost like she was hyperventilating and I remember thinking, “What is going with her?” And then that’s when it clicked. “Oh, this must be what a panic attack looks like.” Because I had never had any experience with it before but after seeing it, it could be a very difficult thing to deal with. I imagine, especially because there’s no like secret pill to fix it. It’s probably a really long process as you know yourself.

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Yeah, it is a long process and even helping her at that moment. Like what did people do for her right? They just kind of–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Well, I remember there was a guy, he just kind of nudged me and said, “Look at what’s happening with her.” And so, a group of was were like, “Hey, are you ok?” And she was like, “I’m having a panic attack.” And she was just struggling through it. And I became friends with her even after this incident. So, I knew her for years after this incident and it was ongoing thing.

So, anytime she would go out in public, somewhere she didn’t feel comfortable, she would have this panic attack. And it made even dating for her really, really difficult because what guy would want to constantly be with a girl who’s always having a panic attack? So, she was always getting down on herself but I imagine, it’s a really difficult thing to overcome for so many people who have this issue.

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Yes, even now that we’re talking about it. It’s still difficult right? Even now, that it’s out in the open and we can Google it and find some information. It still doesn’t bring you that sense of peace. Like it’s like ok, I understand what it is because we get stuck in a loop Chris. We get in this place where something happens to us that triggers our stress response right? And that is our sympathetic nervous system. We go into fight or flight.

A lot of different names for the same thing. And our heart rate goes up, our digestion shots down, all of our blood is shot to our extremities for running or fighting, our mind sharpens, our focus sharpens 10:12 . That’s  how we evolved because we were able to run away from animals that were bigger than us or we were able to fight smaller things but now,– so what happens when you do that, say, you’re a cave man and you see a tiger, and you get scared and ok, so you figure really fast that you can’t fight him, you know that.

So, you got to run. So, you do the flight. You run, you’re away from him. You climb to a tree or whatever, you’re cool and they would just in 90 seconds, after being in safety, they would feel, starting to go back down into the parasympathetic nervous system. 90 seconds for animals and humans, once you’ve recognized safety, the problem is today we don’t ever get to recognize safety right?

Everyday it’s another thing. Because it’s not a tiger, it’s our boss looking at us weird or our boyfriend said something that we don’t, like what do you mean? And it might have been a normal day, it would have been fine but if you’re already in the loop, and you’re thinking things, and you’re already stressed, you start to think other things. It’s what I call the worm hole and you go deeper and deeper until you bring yourself back into center and let everything calm down again.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Now, it’s really interesting to hear you describe the effects that having a panic attack basically has on your body or the genetic effects but I’m kind of curious, the people who listen to your podcast, are they specifically people who are having panic attacks or this is just–because a panic attack I imagine is like one far end of the spectrum but there can also be issues with someone one who’s feeling anxious or anxiety about something but it’s not a panic attack level.

I guess the reason I’m asking this, because I think–now don’t quote me on this because I can be completely off but a lot of people who are listening to this are going through break ups, they’re clearly anxious and struggling with that and I imagine some of them probably do have panic attacks. I’m not saying that it’s–but I imagine the vast majority are not the panic attack level of the spectrum but they’re very anxious about this break up. So, what are some of your top tips to handle that kind of anxiety?

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Ok, I love that Chris, that you used the word spectrum because everything is on  a spectrum. And like I said, I had anxiety panic myself, I move back and forth on that spectrum throughout my life. I didn’t live everyday in a panic attack but I know now that I’ve resolved because big things happen and I don’t go back there. So, there is a time where you can just sort of go over some hump where you just stay, yeah, I sitll have ups and down but I don’t freak out. I don’t have panic attack and I don’t have what I would call anxiety.

So, first let’s look at what some of those symptoms might be because maybe your people are thinking like, “Well,  a panic attack. I don’t have that.” But are you worried about things to the point where you’re in fear about something?

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I think that would definitely be–I mean, how about this. You come up with a symptom and I’m pretty in touch with it because I have 500 people emailing me everyday. So, I know a lot about what they’re going through. So, for sure what you just said.

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

I’ll throw some things out, you tell me if they have it.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Fun game, alright! So, number 1…

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Uneasiness, fear and uneasiness.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I think for sure a lot of them, so they come to the website and they are going through the break up and they decide, “Hey, I want my ex back.” And then I explain,”Ok, well here’s what you have to do.” And it’s not necessarily an easy process and a lot of it revolves around actually moving on and trying to get over the break up but there’s that fear of maybe doing the wrong thing or the fear of failure. So, I imagine a lot of people are feeling that.

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Yeah, they have doubt. Ok, so, they’ve got fear and uneasiness.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

So, we got fear and failure, ok.

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Got it. Problem sleeping is a very big clue.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, for sure and I think even problem eating too.

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

I know that. Oh, absolutely. Difficulty with taking nourishment in. Because a lot of people, it just shuts down your hunger and your appetite is gone.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I know, from personal experience too. Whenever I–I remember a long time ago, when I had a massive fight with my ex girlfriend. It got to the point where I remember thinking, I don’t even have an appetite for anything. My dad, he was like trying to cheer me up. He was like, “Hey, let’s go to Chili’s. Let’s get something to eat.” And usually I am so down for that because it’s great. I love eating but this particular day with this particular fight, it was not happening. So, I imagine, that was like a small fight. These people, they’re going through something so difficult. A lot of them starve themselves. And I’m always saying, “Hey, take care of yourself first.”

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Right. You have to consciously override that lack of hunger because the stress, shuts down the digestion and it shuts down–what happens is we get numb and then we’re not getting the hunger signal at all. We just won’t get it anymore. So, that’s a big clue, not sleeping and not eating and not having hunger.

So, you’re going to say, “Oh, maybe I am having a little bit, more than just worry. Maybe this is anxiety.” Good one Chris. I’m glade that you are queued into your people so well. How about inability to like to stay calm or to get calm after –like say, somebody cut you off in traffic. Normally, “Uh, it happened.” and then we just let it go. We were listening to music or something but that inability, like that wanting to think about over and over right?

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

The only thing that I could of that maybe would relate there is they obsess a little too much about their exes too much. So, it’s one of those, all I know from my own research that when you go through a break up, the part of the brain that lights up is the same part of the brain that lights up for drug addicts who are going through a withdrawal. So, imagine there’s a lot of obsession of trying to get “the drug” maybe the oxytocin back. So, I mean, that’s the only way I could maybe tie it in. But so far, we are like 5 for 5 here.

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Some more physical things like dry mouth. Anxiety can cause you to start to have dry mouth. Numbness, tingling in hands and feet because blood flow changes and maybe they’re–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Shaking? Would shaking?

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Shaking? Oh absolutely. Shaking, feeling dizzy. Like unstable, like a lot of people talk about like they feel like they’re on a boat.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I’ve only fainted once in my life and it was one of those, sort of, you got a little dizzy and then you just kind of–is it a similar feeling to fainting, if you have ever fainted before?

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Yes, as a matter of fact, a lot of people equate it with fainting. They think they’re going to faint but most of them never have. They’ve not fainted but they have–and so what happens is now they also have a fear of fainting.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Ah, so it snowballs. It’s sort of like down the worm hole, what you were saying earlier.

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Yeah and it’s just more and more ideas. You know, because you just feel like you’re going to faint. Of course, nobody wants to faint but your body faints for a reason. But if you just feel uneasy, you don’t have to faint. So, it really can be hard to start teasing those things out. So, if you’re feeling like that, you know a little woozy in the head. Some people get vertigo, chest pain is big and especially during break ups, chest pain can be big because it’s the heart.

Our symbolic heart and our real heart and there can be a lot of sensation around there. People start feeling restless. Muscle tension, you know when people probably start having tension headaches, facial tension. Do you get people complaining about physical symptoms too?

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Oh all the time.

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Oh yeah..

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, because I feel like, if you’re going through a break up, and especially if the break up is really bad of it caught you off guard, it is the extreme type of feelings or most people when they go through  a break up, they have kind of an indication that is going to happen. So, I feel like maybe, subconsciously, they’ve prepared their body to go through the withdrawal symptom, so to speak.

But the ones who struggle the most are the people who have not prepared for it or have no clue what’s coming and so it hits them that much harder and the symptoms are just that much more devastating. At least that’s been my experience from just seeing what’s going on with them.

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Right. For them that’s really into getting`more into trauma right? That’s like that. That was like boom! It happened. Like where did this come from? Like you said, they didn’t prepare their mind and body for it.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, it’s interesting. Boxers, when they’re practicing, you’ll notice that usually, a boxer doesn’t get knocked out by the punch that they see because naturally their body reacts so quickly to take the blow. It’s always the punch that the boxer doesn’t see that knocks him out cold. So, I imagine, I mean we’re talking physical terms here but break ups are more emotional terms but the same type of–in fact, maybe even greater principles can apply with the effects it has on your body. So, people if you’re listening to this, go to Gina Ryan’s podcast. You need this woman.

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Yeah, we’ve got–the funny thing is anxiety can cause anything in anyone. So, you can come up with your own symptom but it’s very interesting I think Chris that we’re seeing our people going through the same thing. There are probably some who are maybe more prone to anxiety panie or experiencing it in a higher level. And some will just come through. They’ll get the bump of anxiety and then they’ll even out and then some people won’t. They’ll get stuck in that anxious state and that’s when you need help.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, so now I want to ask. This is probably the million dollar question on anyone’s who’s still listening up to this point, what can you do if you’re having this anxiety symptoms? Is there a quick fix or is there–? Because I know, often times quick fixes aren’t necessarily the ones that take–so, what would be your sort of game plan to maybe lower of anxiety of what someone who’s going through a break up is feeling?

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Yeah, great question Chris. Because I think you need to take it two fold. You need to do something for now, because you just need to calm down now. But then we also need to build for the future which is not seeking a quick fix but knowing that small things we do today, will help us to build for completely getting through this because it is a bit of a process. Everybody goes through their own rate but let’s talk about some of those things that you can do actually right in the moment.

And then what happens is you keep doing the right in the moment and you do it over and over and you also do it when you’re feeling ok. Like that’s when you want to meditate or do your affirmations or whatever you have chosen. We lay a plan for people individually but you want to do those things when you’re feeling good and the more you do them when you feel good, the easier it is to go there when you don’t feel good.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

So, you’re basically establishing a routine of consistently training yourself to do this when times are bad and when times are good.

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

It’s just like going to the gym. It’s just like training for a marathon. You can’t decide to do a marathon with your friends next week. It just won’t work. You can’t decide I’m going to be done with this worry about this relationship and I’m over it next week. You have to do work. You have to build the right muscles.

And the muscles I’m talking about are being able to return to home which is your, I say, it’s the place behind your heart. It’s the place where there always is light and peach but we just forgot how to get there. We’ve been so busy and so preoccupied and so fearful. We just think it doesn’t exist and so what we can do in the exact moment to get there and to change our perspective on what’s happening is to do the acronym I talked about earlier with you: RAIN.

And so the R is to recognize the experience. So, for you amazing listeners, they’re going through a challenge to actually recognize that. Recognize that this is a possible break up or a break and that it’s really difficult and it’s challenging and to actually recognize that. So we get this ideas that, “Well, I shouldn’t be this concerned.” or “I’m overthinking it.” And maybe you are overthinking it but there might be a reason. So just be kind to yourself. Recognize the experience and just let it be that. Recognizing it.

And then the A, is to actually experience to be what it is. This is where it can get challenging for some people. Another way of saying that is to Accept right? And I don’t deal with just people going through break ups but some people have gone through them and relationship is a hard thing to accept sometimes.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Right ,especially–it’s interesting too because a lot of people who are listening to this are trying to get their ex back which is a clear indication that they have not accepted that the reality is that their broken up. So, and for the record, if you want to get your ex back, accepting the fact that you’re broken up is essential but anyways–

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Oh, Chris, we are so on the same page. That is exactly, what will make whatever is going to come, whether it’s back together or not back together happen, when you accept it for what it is, we are broken up.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

It’s such a difficult thing to do for most people too. So, R is recognize, A is allow, which we kind of loosely interpret as accept.

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Yes.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Now, I want to focus in on this. How, can someone accept something when–because like I said most people listening to this right now are probably in this frame of mind where they want their ex back which is a clear indication that they have not accepted the break up. So, how can someone accept what happened is reality, especially when they’re so against it?

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Right, that’s where we have to do some internal work. Really looking inside and saying, “It isn’t what I wanted, but it’s here.” So, it’s that shift in perspective of actually seeing what’s there. First, is living in our imagination, in our mind, where we do.

Like we’ve made up whole stories about our lives and those are either past or future but the present moment is where we need to be which is what is real, what is right in front of me. And that’s just some training again. It’s coming back to it and coming back to it because we live in a society that let’s us do that. Living in our head, living in a story.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Alright so, what is the I standing for?

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

I is fun. I is to investigate with curiosity. So, this is where they can begin to just be like,”Well, ok, so I accepted it. It’s freaking uncomfortable. I hate it but It’s there. I see it.” And then you can start to investigate with curiosity like, “Well, what do I want? What do I like? What would I prefer?” Investigate what’s happening but always with those eyes of curiosity, not judgment. That’s where we get into trouble. Like he’s in the asshole. I’m sorry I just swore. I’m sorry.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

It’s alright.

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

But whatever they’re thinking like, it’s her fault or his fault or that’s all judgment. All we can do is take care of ourselves and say, “Ok, this is happening. What do I want? Maybe I do want to get back with him.” But to keep it with curiosity and not judgment like, “Oh, all my prayers will be answered.”

Just add way too much to it. Too much future kind of stuff. And so if we can just be investigate. Like be a scientist of your own life right? Be your own little guinea pig. “Ok, what is this?” Because you might be surprised what you find. I see this over and over again. A lot of times, the end is not the end. Meaning it’s not the end of your life. It might be the beginning of your life.

And the N for RAIN is Natural awareness or Non-identification which means you really have to stop identifying with the problem.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I see.

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

It’s like this natural awareness of what’s going on around you but it’s not who you are and that’s probably really real in relationship anxiety.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

So, would you say, when you look at the acronym RAIN, what is in your professional experience, where do people struggle the most when they’re trying to rid themselves of anxiety? What little R-A-I-N, what aspect of that do they struggle with the most?

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

The A.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

The A? Acceptance.

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Accept, you know because another way we say it in anxiety. The RAIN is from a buddhist teacher that I had in the past. `A way we say it in anxiety from Claire Weekes’ book, if anyone has read any of her work. She would say, Faith, Accept, Float and Let time pass. So, again the biggest one that people have trouble with is the Accept because we can face it. “Ok, I see it. It’s happening.”

I can usually get people there but the accepting of it, of that this may just be the way it always is. That’s big for people. Like it happens with chronic illnesses like some people have chronic pain and it’s always going to be there. It’s a tough one but once you accept it the suffering goes way down.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, interesting how. It’s not like you took a pill or some sort of medicines or drug to make the chronic pain go away. It’s almost like the brain is smart enough to make it go away. It’s fascinating actually when you look at it that way.

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

It is. It is isn’t just for pain, physical pain. It can happen with this other pains also. Yeah, once the brain gets it, it’s like–because there’s no fighting anymore. Like we’re always trying to fight. We want to get somewhere, we want to run away from this. I don’t want it anymore. That’s suffering.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

So, let’s switch gears here. Talk a little bit about you because you said you went through a period of your life where you were really on this one hard end of the spectrum, the panic attack end. So, what were some of the actionable things that you did to help yourself to overcome it and become the finish product that you are now. Not that you’re completely finished. I’m sure there’s always–

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

No, not even close but I don’t go down that wormhole of anxiety panic ever anymore.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

So, I look at that almost like you just don’t let things snow ball out of control anymore and maybe that has to do with the acceptance part. You just kind of accept it for what it is and move on as opposed to one thought. One thing goes bad, and then you have another thought that comes up that gets even worse then next thing your know, you’re at the end of the world apocalypse or something like that.

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Yeah, and that’s one of the things I learned. Like I did a lot of things Chris through trying to find my way out of this that didn’t work but one of the things that really did work was when I had the epiphany of how I responded to what I came in my life was my responsibility and that I had a choice between the stimulus and my response. That there was space in there and the more you can slow your life down.

Even if it’s only when you’re praying or meditating or having your quiet time. The more you can do that, the more available that is throughout in your regular life. So, what I found was by being able, I used meditation. By being able to have that practice of being with the stimulus which is the thought going across my mind and how I was going to respond to it, by doing that in a controlled manner which is meditation, I was able to learn daily over and over by practicing.

So when things came out in my life, it’s almost like it slows down. It should go, “Ok, this happened. I get to choose my response and what is that going to be?” Instead on being automatic pilot, which is by believing every thought that went across my head. I used to believe every thought that was in my head was true and it’s not.

c

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

So do you also think now, that you have–you’re not feeling so anxious. I’m sure.–I feel like it’s normal to feel anxious about certain things but not to go down that wormhole but do you feel now, there’s been like this mind shift set in your life where you really feel like there’s nothing like that you can’t handle anymore?

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Yeah, pretty much because I’ve had big stuff happen and big stuff continues to happen. I have adult children. So, they have all kinds of things going on in their lives. I’m still a working woman. What happens is that I have a feeling of–I have a place inside me that I know is untouched. It’s just who I am. It’s my light. No matter what happens to me physically or mentally, like that doesn’t change. I guess that’s the way to say it. I visited that place so many times.

That it’s really just become a part of me versus always thinking that I’m about what’s happening to me. That’s identifying with my life or with my thoughts and I’m not identified with that anymore. I’ve done different things for work. I’m not identified with that. I’m not identified as a wife or a girlfriend or a mother. Like I have this whole other thing that is just me and that brings you great peace because that can’t be shifted and taken away from you.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I like it. I love it. Talk a little bit about your business because I think a lot of people listening to this can absolutely benefit because I think everyone listening to this is probably having those anxiety, you know the list that we went through earlier. I’m pretty sure everyone checks across the board. So, talk a little bit –I can’t even talk today myself. Talk a little bit about your website, about your podcast, where people can find you and also your Patreon.

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Oh ok. Great! Yeah, thank you Chris! That’s very kind. So, you can find me at anxietycoachespodcast.com. You can find us at Itunes. Same name. Anxietycoachespodcast.com or anxietycoaches podcast and on the website, I have lots of information about anxiety.

I have a new page that we’re starting about food anxiety because that’s a whole another issue that needs special attention and if you sign up on our email list, we’ll send you the 10 minute body scan. Which is just a recording and it’s a beautiful way to introduce chilling down.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

If you’re listening to this and you’re getting a little confused with all the links, I’ll make sure I’ll link to everything that she’s talking about there. So, you can have a direct route to the newsletter that she’s talking about but again you didn’t tell about the Patreon which is a big deal for you.

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

It is. Patreon. It’s kind of fun. We just started this, maybe a month ago and so on our website,there’s a big orange and white button that says “Become our Patreon” and if you click that, it takes you to a little place where you can sign up for a buck a month or you can sign up for a buck a show which is $8 a month, $25, I think there’s a whole bunch more.

And you get some goodies along with those things which is really fun. And it’s a really nice way to have people support us and keep the show on the air which is a lot of rhythm and roll to keep everything going as you know. And people are enjoying being part of the tribe like that.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, I have to say, I went through your website. It’s so full of information. Before we even started the interview, you were telling me, you have over something like 200 episodes for people to draw upon and I think this is really essential for the people listening to this podcast because they’re struggling with the anxiety and I can only get them one perspective of how to handle with that and I’m more focused on actual steps to handle the break up. You’re more focused on their well being which is why I’m trying to shift people over to you because I think they’ll be a great fit for you and them. Perfect marriage.

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Oh, yeah. I love the perfect marriage. Yeah, that’s wonderful! Because maybe we can get to the root of their anxiety and that the struggle with the relationship and not being able to let go might have been more of a symptom than an actual big problem right?

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Right. So, any parting words of wisdom for our great listeners here?

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Actually, know that you’re not alone, number 1. And one of the things that I like to tell people is once they begin to pay attention to self inquiry and thinking about, “Well, maybe there is something more to this and maybe I can look inside.” Then the worst is over. You get to put a lot of that behind you and because you’re open to the rest of your life and the new adventure. So, hang in there.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I have to say, one of my guests we ever had on. Thank you so much for coming on Gina.

Gina Ryan

Gina Ryan

Thank you so much Chris. It’s been a pleasure!

May 27, 2017

Will Text Messages Be THE THING That Gets Your Ex Back?

In so many of the success stories I’ve heard over the years, the primary way that the couple communicated was texting. Texts are short, simple and can lead to HUGE results if you can send the right text message, in the right situation. But it all depends on the inner-dynamics of your relationship.

We’ve put together a quiz, so you can find out if text messages will work for your individual situation. It’s a total of 19 questions, and only takes about 5 minutes to answer. Are you ready to know ?

Take 5 Minute QuizAnd Find Out Now!

What Do You Think? (14)

  1. Mary - 0

    Mary

    Hi Amor,

    My ex and I have been going through a very drawn out break up. He first told me he didnt feel the attraction and no longer wanted to be in a relationship about 5 months ago however with my anxiety reaction he would always subdue it by telling me its not over etc. we were together for 2 years. 1 of those years we spent living together (I moved to his home country and it was very difficult for me as I didnt have a job, studies, friends or family and felt rather depressed). About 3 weeks ago he made the break up final. I was living at his place but have now gotten myself an apartment. He has been helping me with the apartment every day and constantly tells me he is here for me. He is still interested in sex but we are not doing that now. I think he has been treating me exceptionally well after seeing me have a few panic attacks over the break up. On my first night in the new place he told me to come hug him and then said that if I feel scared or sad then I just call him and he will be there. I have been struggling with his continued presence in my life as I just want him back as my partner rather than this ‘helping guy’. On Saturday he helped me move a large piece of furniture and the whole day I was crying in front of him, telling him I miss him and having panic attacks. He felt so bad and was hugging me often. He kept trying to talk to me like normal but I just couldnt talk. That day as he was leaving he hugged me really tight and kissed my forehead for a long time. He invited me for dinner but I declined. It was at that moment I decided I need to try NC as I am not getting anywhere with this behaviour. After he left he texted asking if I would like him to bring me dinner, I did not reply. The next morning he texted to ask if the furniture was working, I did not reply. Later that day he tried to call and I still did not reply. What I am curious about though is should I tell him that I really appreciate all his help and in respecting his decision to break up, I will need some space as we cant be friends? Or should I continue to not reply. I feel that I owe him a reply as he has been so caring but Im worried that replying may ruin my chances in the future of reconciling? If I should reply, do I then have to start NC from the beginning again (it has been 3 days)?

    Reply
    • Mary - 0

      Mary

      I am also beginning to really work on myself. I have been actively posting things on social media to show a happy change.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Mary,

      for me you should tell him you appreciate his concern but you’re going to need space to heal. But don’t tell him for how long, and yes, restart the count after that..

  2. Helen - 0

    Helen

    Hello,
    My boyfriend broke up with me after i found out he was flirting with one of my close friends (she told me) and i want him back, but he says he doesnt love me, and doesnt want to get back. He just moved to another city, and i can not implement No contact rule because he says himself he doesnt want to text me not to hurt me anymore. He wants to stay friends, cos i am his closest friend as he says. He always said we were more than bf and gf. (We dated for 1 year btw) so today i wrote him and i asked how serious he likes her, and he first got angry but then said he doesnt know. I know he is still texting her… what should i do? Can i get him back? we speak just fine as friends,but i want him to love me again, please help me.. i believe you helped so many people, so i have faith..

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Helenx
      you’re allowing him to put you in the friendzone.. if you really want a chance of him to value you, value yourself first..start at least 30 days of no contact and focus in healing and improving yourself

    • Helen - 0

      Helen

      Thank you so much for your fast reply!
      But what if during the No Contact he will move on and start dating another girl? (My friend that he was flirting with for instance) 🙁

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      you’re welcome..I think you should check this:
      Your Worst Nightmares During The No Contact Rule

  3. Lisa - 0

    Lisa

    Hi Chris and Amor ,
    I am currently in around day 20 of no contact . I have bought your PRO e book and have found it to be very helpful . Thank you Chris for all the hard work you put into this . Let me tell you I have read and studied many works by other relationship experts and yours is by far my favorite 🙂 At such a young age , that is very impressive Chris 🙂 Anyway , I just wanted your opinion on my initial text after no contact that I am thinking of sending . My ex loves snowboarding so I am thinking of sending this : ” You’re not going to believe what I just heard from a friend . I heard they are opening up a snowboard shop locally . It made me think of you . I know how much you like snowboarding . Hope you’re doing well and hope your dad is also doing well . ” ( his dad got diagnosed with cancer a couple months ago )… Please give me an honest opinion Chris on what you think and if I should change , add , or omit anything . As you say , the initial text after no contact is one of the most important so I definitely want to perfect it ! Thanks again for all your hard work . No words can describe how much it’s appreciated 🙂

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Liss,

      I’ll forward this to Chris, but I cant promise an immediate response. My take is that, that’s a good one.. 🙂

    • Lisa - 0

      Lisa

      Ok thank you please forward it to Chris

  4. jane - 0

    jane

    And yesterday he saw that I added a girl he talked with and he got a bit mad and texted me. Today he said he accidentally called me on snapchat. And again in a short conversation he used 4-5 times a cute nickname he used in the relationship.. will he ever come back? I mean like i said the the upper commen everytime he sees me he has a weakness for me. I mean it s like every time we see each other and he sees i m ignoring him he wants me. And he asks a lot about other boys and stuff. And his mother asks a lot. What do you think? He says he only makes sex but he still loves me and he doesnt understand why..i was his first love for 2 years. But i have a problem..we never made sex until the end (so both of us come) because my self eestem was low. But at the new years eve he was impressed by what i did. Do you think it is important for a guy the first girl he had sex with (me) or the girl that makes him finish? 🙁

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Ah so you had sex, he just didnt finish. it depends, yes it might matter if he’s young because from what you described, he likes doing it. He just wont admit it, he says he doesn’t know why he likes it.

  5. Jane - 0

    Jane

    Hey. Me and my ex broke up 5 months ago because we were fighting a lot. Throughout these 5 months, we met a couple of times accidentally and he always came to talk with me. When we meet he is usually very open and communicative (even though he was the one who broke up) and sometimes even asking me about other boys and claiming that he still loves me, or bringing memories, yet after a day when I would ask him something on facebook he would be cold. I decided to ignore him and for 7 weeks we didn’t talk. We have the same group of friends and we all met last week. He kept staring at me and he came home with the cab I ordered with my friend (even payed). When we left he called me the nickname he used in our relationship. After 2 days, we met again to pay for the New Years Eve cabin where we went. Again he started a conversation there with me. So for 3 days we were in the same place. When we got to the cabin, he asked for my telephone charger. I gave it to him and after we all got tipsy, he suddenly kissed me.. we kind of did a couple of things and he kept asking me if I got someone and if that person is better and stuff. He was drunk and I saw in his phone a picture after sex with a girl or two. I totally felt horrible even though we re not together. He usually shows off in front of his friends and now he says that he wants just to have sex with girls and is not ready again for a relationship. We played a game to drink if we did something a person questions. we were asked if we had sex recently with someone ( I drank just to get him jealous). He burst out and said that I told him I didn’t and why. and everyone said he was jealous. Later on i took care of him even though he sometimes wanted me away when he was mad at his friends. I put him to bed to sleep and suddenly he told me that he still loves me very much.. and I am still the most beautiful girl even though he talks with a couple of girls. He even has tinder.. I dont know why is he so obsessed with meeting girls. I was the first girl he had sex with and a relationship. I was hurt to find out that he is like so desperate to meet girl and just have sex without feelings. Yet I wanted to have sex with him and he also said he misses a lot (even though me had sex 2 months ago). While making sex he kept asking me about the boy Im talking with, if he is better, if he s beautiful, If I would choose him over him. He said he would choose me because I am his first love yet now he has girls that he has sex with that are careless. I always catch him staring and he always calls me by the nickname he used in the relationship.. I left him a message in which i told him I want him to change (not for me because I have other plans). He used to be so good and now I cannot believe or imagine him having sex with other girls. Every time I am in the same place with him I always ignore him and he always makes the first move and sometimes he even asks why am I not asking him first something. Is it just sex or he obviously is still in love with me ? (he also told me his mother constantly asks about me, annd he also asks about my family) I also want to say he has bad friends that influence him a lot

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jane,

      guys are different with sex.they can do it without emotional attachment. That doesn’t mean it’s ok for him to sleep around but if you want things to progress between you two, keep in mind too that when he did those you two were broken up. so, technically, he’s free to do those..

Join the Conversation: