What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back

You’ll Have To Face Your Ex Eventually, Why Not Make A Great Second First Impression

I couldn’t possibly care less about getting my last ex back. We were only together for five months, but it felt like forever. Now, don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy, but I don’t want to have people in my life that don’t want to be there.

However, if I see him out and about, which is highly likely seeing as we live in the same small town and spend our time doing the same things with the same groups of people, I wouldn’t mind making him second-guess his decision to end the relationship.

You see, when we make decisions we automatically start looking for reasons that support the decision we’re leaning towards.

So, despite the fact that he knew me very well, when he started listing the reasons that we shouldn’t be together, the person he was describing wasn’t even close to being me. He had literally altered the way he saw me simply to make his decision make sense in his head.

You may have gone through something similar or maybe you lost your identity in the relationship. Maybe, like me, you just want him to realize he made a mistake and feel crappy about it.

That’s understandable.

Now, whether you want him back or you just want the satisfaction of knowing that he knows that you’re much, much better off now that he’s no longer in your life, it’s easier if you have something factual to ground this on.

The Best You

What do I mean when I say something factual?

Well, in business, the best sales person buys what they sell.

However, if you look into psychology throughout the 20th century, psychologists believed it was important to have an accurate representation of ourselves and where we stood in the world.

In 1950 Abraham Maslow wrote a paper titled “Self-Actualizing People: A Study of Psychological Health”. (You may recognize his name from Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.)

In this paper he argued that the,

“Fully self-actualized human must perceive reality efficiently and accept herself, with all of her quirks and ways, no matter how much reality might deviate from her ideal vision of herself. Only then will she have reached her fullest potential as a person.”

I’ve always taken this to mean that you can’t get where you want to be if you can’t plainly and clearly see where you are currently.

Basically, what I want you to take away from all of that is that in order to make someone see you differently, especially someone who knows you very well, you’ll actually have to be different.

After going through a breakup, it is imperative to establish a period of no contact. If you’ve read any of the other articles on our site, you know that you don’t spend that time just sitting on your thumbs, so to speak.

No.

You spend that time becoming what Chris calls the “Ungettable Girl”.

This “Ungettable Girl “is an uber-version of yourself, the best version of you that you can be.”

Which just makes me imagine those old ARMY ads.

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If you’re interested in reading more about the “Ungettable Girl” you can do so here.

So, before you do anything else, I want you to take out a sheet of paper and draw a line right down the middle.

On the left, write “where I am”. On the right, write “where I want to be.”

It should look like this:

what-do-i-want

Now you’re going to fill out the two columns. I find it’s easier to start with the right column.

Fill it with your goals, aspirations, and anything you want to achieve.

These can range from “get in shape” to “get a degree”.

Try and keep them realistic.

Save the “solve world hunger” for another time.

We can’t all be Mother Teresa.

In the left column, you were going to list all of the things that you let go of while you were in your relationship. For example, when I was in my last relationship, I was so wrapped up in spending time with my ex that I stopped reading as much and my education came to a standstill.

So, I would write “not actively pursuing education” in the left column.

The reason for doing this is to give you a clear vision, and a visual representation that you can use as a reference, of where you stand and where you want to be. Knowing this will clarify how far you’ll have to go to accomplish these goals.

Feels good, right?

Now, I know moving forward with your life can seem like a daunting task. And you could very well skip this part and fake the rest if you really wanted to.

However, if your ex is a part of your life even though you aren’t together or if you plan on trying to get back together, faking the rest of these steps might prove difficult and pointless.

That’s why it’s best to go ahead and put in the time, make the changes that need to be made, and then go forward making a great second first impression.

Not to mention, your life will be better for it anyways. So, why not?!

Building Confidence

If you ask any man what they want in a woman, they might give you a list of physical attributes, specific interests that line up with theirs, and almost always confidence.

Confidence is the key player in making a good impression, not just with your ex but with anyone.

It isn’t something that can be taught.

It can be developed though.

This is when the whole “fake it till you make it” thing that you hear all the time comes into play.

Yes, you can fake this part…for now.

Confidence is not self-esteem. However, they do go hand-in-hand. Doing the things that I lay out in the rest of this article will help you with both.

So, if you haven’t taken the time to have a period of no contact with your ex and gotten your ducks in a row before you even try to make a great second first impression, then you WILL fail.

Knowing where you stand and having a plan to achieve your goals is imperative to re-establishing your self-esteem after a blow like a break up.

Building confidence isn’t a step in this process, it’s the end goal. The journey to getting there is made up of lots of smaller steps. I say smaller and not easier, because some of them take a lot of work, but they’re worth it.

Let’s get dive in!

1. Change Your Outlook

If you know your faults, your strengths and weaknesses, and learn from them, it is much easier to keep your thoughts positive.

You can also keep a positive mind if you learn to compliment yourself and accept compliments from others.

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We’ve all seen the video of the little girl getting ready for school and shouting affirmations at herself in the mirror.

No, I’m not suggesting that you assault yourself with positivity.

I’m just saying not to be so hard on yourself. Although, some people do you find that daily affirmations help change their outlook remarkably.

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Now, when it comes to other people, I know it’s difficult to accept a compliment from someone without seeming arrogant these days. I actually struggled with this myself in the past.

My automatic reaction when someone will complement me would be to tell them something like this;  “that nice of you to say, but…”

After I realized I did this I tried to correct my mistake. When someone complimented me I would try my best just to say “thank you.”

Believe it or not, this is much more difficult than it sounds. One of the first times I tried to do this, it was clear that I sounded completely full of myself.

Eventually, I got the hang of it. Let me show you how to do this properly.

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You can also change your outlook by limiting your complaining to moments when you absolutely must.

2. Don’t Play Defense

Also try to be less defensive when people offer criticism.

Actually listen to their opinion that is offered and use it to improve who you are as a person, if possible.

Surround Yourself with Confident People

This doesn’t just mean adding people to your life. It means choosing to remove people who bring out negativity in you.
I have this friend.

And I honestly can’t tell you why we are friends aside from the fact that we’ve known each other for so long. It always seems like everything in her life is always falling apart. But this is because that is how she portrays it.

If you ask her how her day’s been, her automatic response will be to tell you every single thing that has gone wrong in the past week or two weeks and how awful her immediate future looks.

Good things happen for her and you can physically see her bracing herself for them to fall apart.

It never fails, I am probably the first person she calls anytime her negativity catches up with her. Namely, because I will listen to her whine. But then I always tell her the truth and then call her out for being so negative.

The downside to listening to her whine is that her negativity bleeds into me. I literally have to get up and go for a run to burn it all off. If

I don’t, then I will be stuck in a rut for days.

There are a lot of people in the world like this. If you allow enough of them into your life, then your outlook will become a bleak one.

Do your best to distance yourself from these people. You don’t have to remove them, just don’t spend every day surrounded by them.

And if you must spend time with them, do what I do and find a counteractive measure that will help re-center your focus.

This is an all about subtracting. You can add positive influences into your life as well.

Look at your list of goals that you made earlier. Find someone who has had success doing things that you want to do and let their confidence in that area rub off on you.

You’ve heard that old saying that you are a combination of the five people you spend the most time with. Taking this to heart, surround yourself with people who inspire you and bring out the best in you.

Meanwhile, make sure that you don’t become that negative person who brings them down. I assure you, they live by the same principle and won’t want to spend time with you if you distract them from their goals, especially with negativity.

Remember,

“Confidence is contagious.” -Vince Lombardi

3. Address your Appearance

Let’s face it, after a break up we all sort of let ourselves go. We stop doing our hair or putting on makeup. We stop going to the gym as often. We suddenly don’t understand the need to wear pants or leave the house.

And these days, it seems that watching romance comedies has provided us with an excuse to drink a bottle of wine and eat an entire gallon of ice cream when we feel bad. This is not conducive to a healthy lifestyle and does not help build confidence.

Do you think Jabba the Hutt was such a jerk because he felt good about himself?

Come on.

It is a well-known fact that the way we present ourselves directly correlates to the way we feel about ourselves.

4. Know Your Platforms

No, you’re not running for office here. But it is important that you know what your principles are. These are the things that you hold true to heart no matter what. They resonate in your core.

For my mother this means holding on tightly to scriptures that remind her why she’s a good person. Her favorite is the one that goes, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

She also tends to quote the golden rule a lot; “Do you want to others as you would have them do unto you.”

It doesn’t have to be a religious thing. That’s just where my mother draws her strength.

I draw my strength from the things that motivate me.

A friend of mine, who I consider one of those great positive forces, came to me and gave me a great quote from a poem about basketball, believe it or not. It was just a couple of lines that he wanted to turn into a tattoo. To this day I will never forget those words.

“In his mind ever burned; talent is given greatness is earned.”

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You see my core values center around the fact that I always want to press forward in my life and stop at nothing to succeed.

Finding your core principles and the things your place value in our what power you to become the best version of yourself.

Once you to find them, be consistent and assertive with them.

No, I don’t mean go shove them in everyone’s face and demand that they match their values to yours.

clarity

This is not CrossFit.

No offense to CrossFitters. You guys are just really proud and vocal about what you do and hey, for CrossFit that kind of energy is perfect. So, go you!

But core values are unique to each person. They have to hold meaning for you in order for you to carry them into every aspect of your life.

Otherwise you’re just gardening yourself with everyone else’s values which will weigh you down. And that’s not good for your mental health and will not provide confidence.

5. Speech Pattern

Learn to speak slowly and with purpose.

I don’t care if you’re talking about cat videos on the Internet. If you speak with conviction in this manner, you will have everyone in the room believing that what is coming out of your mouth is important.

In high school I was on the UIL spelling team.

Yeah, I know, what a nerd.

When we had finished with our competitions we would go and sit in on the other competitions. One of which was diction. It was basically A bunch of kids that would get up on stage and deliver monologues.

Pretty boring, right?

But there was this one kid. I don’t remember his name. I can’t for the life of me remember what monologue he delivered. But, I do know that it quite possibly could’ve been the most boring thing they could’ve chosen for him to deliver. May as well been reading the ingredients off the back of a cereal box.

This kid though.

He delivered that monologue with such fervor, such conviction, that I would’ve followed him into the very depths of Mordor.

At the end of his speech if he had followed it up with” at dawn we ride!” I might have even bought a horse and a saddle and prepared ready for battle against all of the other cereals.

You say it’s not about what you say, it’s about how you say it. If you learn to speak slowly and clearly, without rushing through, you will convey the type of calm that only someone with true confidence can.

I get excited and I talk really fast usually. When I get excited about something the first person I call is my mother. Once I was talking so fast that she had to stop me and say,

“Ashley, you have to repeat everything you just said, because I have no idea what you were talking about. But I know you are excited, so if that’s what you wanted me to get from all that, then you don’t have to tell me anything else. But if you actually want me to know what you were talking about, then you need to slow down.”

Would you follow somebody who is that nervous in the battle?

I think not.

6. Set Benchmarks

Knock out a few of the smaller goals on your list. This not only gives you a sense of achievement, but it brings you one step closer to being the person that you want to be.

Accomplishments, even small ones, help gain momentum.

Everyone knows at least one person that just oozes confidence. Take Tony Robbins for example. He just seems to keep rolling it no matter what life throws at him. That’s the momentum I’m talking about. He has this gift where he can walk into a room of thousands of people and begin speaking and have each and every one of them eating out of his hands.

I was watching a special where they interviewed him once and they asked if he ever gets nervous before he gets up to do his seminars. The look on his face said it all. It was as if the question hadn’t even occurred to him before.

People like this, people with that level of confidence, they don’t let little things stand in their way.

So, when I say knock out the little goals, I’m not saying to do them just to knock a few out of the way.

No! You should be like a rolling stone.

Once you get started on your goals… don’t let anything slow you down.

7. Create a Habit

Let me rephrase that. Create a GOOD habit and do away with bad ones.

Let me put it this way, after my last break up, despite the fact that I wasn’t completely broken over it, I found myself hitting the snooze button three seconds after my alarm went off every single morning. I tried everything to break this habit, or so I thought.

I would plug my phone in in the other room. This meant I would have to get up and walk all the way to the kitchen to turn it off.

For some people this might work. For me, it meant I would don my blanket like I was John Snow and brave the cold AC into the kitchen to snooze the alarm, giving myself eight more minutes of blessed sleep. Then I would traipse my blanket back to my bedroom flop on the bed and enjoy the 7 1/2 minutes I had left.

What had happened to me? During those five months that I was dating the last guy I was saying I could wake up at 4 o’clock in the morning and go all day without feeling even the tiniest bit sleepy. Now, I could get a full eight hours of sleep and still need a nap by 2 o’clock.

It’s a simple explanation really. When I was in a relationship, I was motivated. When my alarm would go off, those eight minutes of extra sleep didn’t seem so inviting. I had things to get up and do, and more importantly, people (or more correctly, a person) to see.

This is why doing all of these things that I’ve laid out is important. They all kind of mesh together and support one another.

One of my favorite books I’ve read is titled, “The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business.” It touches on habit modification and it’s full of interesting information.

One of my favorite stories that the author, Charles Duhigg, touches on is the story of Tony Dungy.

tony-dungy

Tony couldn’t get a coaching job. The reason was his coaching philosophy. He was convinced that changing the player’s habits was the key to winning.

No one was buying that.

He wasn’t trying to create new habits though. He was going to change the players’ old habits. According to this book, habits are made up of a three-step loop: the cue, the routine, and the reward. Dungy’s process was to attack the routine part of this loop.

Eventually, after many interviews and rejections, he got a job coaching the Buccaneers.

Since then, his Golden Rule has become a staple in the process of changing habits. It has influenced the standard treatment for alcoholism, obesity, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and hundreds of other destructive behaviors.

The rule was this; if you use the same cue, and provide the same award, you can shift the routine and change the habit. Almost any behavior can be transformed if the cue and the reward stay the same.

The way Dungy used this to change the Bucs players’ habits was such.

Before him The coaches that had playbooks full of trick plays, misdirection, and other complicated schemes were usually the ones that would win.

Dungy’s focus was on speed. He wanted to take thinking out of the equation.

To do this he taught his players cues. To read and respond to the other team.

For example, if the opposite lineman’s toes are back, his shoulders rotated slightly inward, and a space between him and the next player is a fraction narrower than expected, The Bucs defensive end practiced on how to react to each of these cues so many times that he no longer has to take seconds that could make all the difference in a play to think.

This is the same process AA uses to help alcoholics create good routines to replace bad ones.

“In order to offer alcohol it’s the same reward they get at the bar, AAA is build a system of meetings and companionship – the “sponsor” each member works with – that strives to offer as much escape, distraction, and catharsis as a Friday night Bender.

If someone needs relief, they can get it from talking to their sponsor or attending a group gathering, rather than toasting a drinking buddy.”

I’m not suggesting anything so dramatic.

If you need to liking it to something less… intense, consider chess players facing thousands of different moves during the game. The pros have taken into consideration every possible outcome of every move that could ever be made and they prepared of response ahead time.

Watching pros play a game might take less than 5 minutes, whereas it might take me, not a pro, five minutes to decide which piece I want to move. They have programmed themselves to act swiftly and confidently which makes them insanely efficient.

That being said, pick something simple, like waking up half an hour earlier each day. Set your alarm, and put a Post-it note with a note to yourself over the screen of your phone that will remind you not to hit snooze.

Or the iPhone offers you the option to turn off the news feature. I found this most helpful. Knowing that if I go back to sleep I might miss a deadline or an appointment with all the push I needed to get my butt out of bed.

I used to work out with the trainer who used to tell me that if I missed a day and it felt unnatural that is when I knew I created a habit.

8. Exercise

You could lump this in with creating a habit and make being more active something habitual. I know I talk about staying active a lot, but that’s because it is incredibly important after a breakup, or anytime really.

Being active helps your body produce dopamine, which can feel positive energy that will help you find a sense of normalcy. It also lends to you being healthier and feeling better about your appearance, the importance of which we’ve already discussed.

Practice

There is a reason I walked you through all of these steps one by one.

By doing everything I’ve laid out here, you’re not just preparing to face your ex. You’re becoming a better and stronger version of yourself.

In order to become efficient anything, you need to practice.

How many drills do you think coach Dungy made the Buccaneers do before they ever stepped foot onto an active playing field?

How many games do you think pro chess players had to play before they could make it those half second choices that get them to checkmate in less than five minutes?

My guess is thousands.

But how do you practice confidence?

There are drills that you can do, are there?

In order to put confidence in the practice, all you need to do is be around people… and focus on being confident.

The reason it’s important to practice is because when you finally come face-to-face with your ex, it might be easy to revert to the person that you were before.

However, if you’ve made confidence I habit, something that is part of who you are, it will be something you do without even realizing it.

Drumroll Please…

I know, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…

Making a great second first impression.

Let’s skip forward and imagine that you’ve already done all of these things and you’ve made yourself into a fount of confidence.

At some point you’ll find yourself face-to-face with your ex.

You may run into him at the grocery store. or get invited to a party that he happens to show up to.

This is the moment that you’ve been preparing for. You’re like Rocky Balboa Posted up in the corner waiting for the bell to signal the beginning of the round.

Are you nervous?

The answer is not one bit. If you’ve done each of the things I’ve laid out for you and allowed them to become habitual, the nervousness and worry anyone else might feel at this point will be foreign to you.

You won’t have to think about slowing down your speech or complaining about the negative things in your life.

You will ask him how things are in his life. When he responds, you will listen, genuinely interested.

There will be no need to spend the time that he’s talking thinking about what you will say next because you know when he finishes speaking that you will respond calmly and confidently.

How do you know this?

Because you’ve practiced it and made it a habit.

The one important thing to remember is something Chris always stresses is to leave the conversation on a high note.
If you are talking to your ex and things are getting interesting or he seems really into it, excuse yourself for whatever reason and walk away.

Like the cliffhangers Game of Thrones throws at you at the end of every single episode, leave him wondering what just hit him.

Do it with grace and confidence and he’ll be thinking about it days later wondering why in the hell he ever let you get away.
Then, it’s up to you what you want to do with it.

I mean, you’ve created a pretty great life here.

You’re a freakin’ beacon of confidence.

People are starting to look up to you as inspiration.

When he comes around to finish your conversation, it’s up to you whether you let him back into your life. You have the power now.

When I was put in this position, I looked my ex in the face and realized that I deserved to have someone realize what they had the first time around. But that was him. Had we split under different circumstances, I may have made a different decision.

That’s the thing though. It is the responsibility of every person to decide what kind of love they deserve.

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So now that you know what it takes…

Go Get It!

Written by EBR Teamate

EBR Team Member: Ashley

33 responses to “You’ll Have To Face Your Ex Eventually, Why Not Make A Great Second First Impression”

  1. Annie says:

    Thanks – i will slow it down…
    could you actually remove my comment – i’m worried there was too much info!

  2. EBR Team Member: Amor says:

    im confused about your timeline, it looks like you’re rushing but check this about your inquiry:
    EBR 043: How To Handle The First Date With Your Ex Boyfriend

  3. Lisa says:

    Hello there!
    First let me say a BIG thank you to you who created this site and all the support your articles have provided me with, you guys were my rock although I read only the free content (sorry, I am on a tight budget J ).
    I am writing to you as I am in need of advice and I hope your insight can help me.
    A little story of me and my ex – we were close friends for several years, we lived together for a year as a couple and had a preeeeetty bad break up 3 months ago.
    I applied the NCR for more or less 30 days, he had his 36th birthday during that time and neither then I contacted him, nor did he. Recently I discovered I am blocked from his facebook account.
    Anyhow, I broke the NC two month ago asking him whether we can be the friends we were. Now, I realize it maybe was a mistake but I was not sure at the time of the concept of building rapport and attraction, he would have seen right through me and pulled away, I’m sure of that so it felt the only way to approach him and try to put his guard down. For two months we spoke overall 4-5 times on the phone, one of which went for half an hour and it felt good for both of us. The thing is that it is always me who calls, of course I wait for a good amount of time, like 10 days or two weeks, and he always says he would call to meet up but he does not.
    We finally saw each other today for a brunch and it was to talk about the possibility of us being friends and it went … strange. Now, I took NC real serious – aside from the inner me (who is still under construction but going places) I changed my appearance a lot. The conversation went somewhat smooth – I told him about some trips I went to, people I’ve met, my work that is going quite well and I tried to not shove it up his nose which I think he expected. I felt confident but not cocky and I think he noticed it because he said it was quite the contrast of how he remembers me. The strange part came on the emotional side of the whole thing – he tried to hide it but I think that his life didn’t go in the direction he expected when he broke off the relationship, and maybe he is a little jealous I’m doing better than him. He treated me very respectfully the whole time but not with that respect that comes from caring for somebody but the respect you show to people who you are intimidated by. I saw he wanted to keep his distance and I respected that, kept my distance as well, which shocked him to the point he said he was not sure what does he want. Then, he said it was not a good idea to add me on facebook again and I quote “because I don’t want you to stalk me” to which I very calmly responded “It’s fine, it’s your decision to make”, but … I felt he gave me a prepared line. On the other hand, I saw him trying to prolong the date by ordering desert and engaging me in conversation at the door of the restaurant on the way out even though he knew I was headed to work, things he never did before. Again, he said he would call.
    Overall, I think it went pretty well and I gave myself a pet on the shoulder because I left feeling I made a good second first impression, for sure he didn’t see it coming. But there is one thing, … I think he saw me as a threat, because I am changed and he realized the potential in falling for me again. Knowing he scares easily I am pretty sure he labeled me as “Danger” and will try even harder to stay away. I have no way of showing him I have a new life now and am not obsessed with him so he can trust me again and feel good around me, other than meeting him and I would like to ask you how to initiate the next contact in the case he does not do it without scaring him off. I feel I’m on a good track here and don’t want to miss it by waiting too long.
    Thank you in advance.

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      You mean did you do another nc? Even if you’re blocked, your posts are you indirect way of showing your improvements.. You just have to make them public.

  4. Josephine J says:

    My ex and I (technically we were not boyfriend and girlfriend but our relationship lasted two years) work together. Things were icy and for a while for straight up ignored. Recently, he began talking to me a little more. The other day, I asked if we were going to talk about our relationship. Well, he broke things off with me officially and of course, I cried and begged him to reconsider. I then sent him a bunch of texts telling him to just go back to ignoring me. It’s hard because we work together and I don’t know how to save face and make him want me back after acting like an ass.

  5. Ce-Ce says:

    So I was helping a ‘friend of a friend’. Who is a guy and ridiculously cute. He’s leaving for a year on missions. Anyway, he asked me if he could stay by my house while preparing for the trip. I was hesitant because I did like him, but as much as we both tried to find him somewhere to go, he eventually had to stay with me. The whole week was weird. I got totaled over New Years and he tried to sleep with me (according to my friends). The rest of the week, he tried to get me drunk every night. Which, I had to work, so I was not going to. Randomly, he would ask me to hold him from his anxiety of the trip. We started sleeping in the same bed because he would want me to hold him (no sex). He would then sometimes cry over his ex- girlfriend (of over a year ago) and then ask me if he needs to get over her. Then he demanded I blocked my ex. I said no, and he accused me of still being in love with him (which I’m not – it’s my ex who can’t let go). Then he would tell me to get back with my ex… What?? Then repeatedly ask me if I loved him. I repeatedly said no and to stop asking about my ex lol. Then on Friday before he left, I finally gave in and told him we could drink. He totally went into sweet mode… he started calling me baby and then asked me would it be okay if we were sexual. I said, no. He said, “why is it because you won’t think it’s real?”. So I gave in … then tried to kiss him and he said no. Then he said, I like you but it wouldn’t work between us because we are on different paths? Then he tries to get sexual again. I refused of course. Then tried to kiss him again and he said no. Yep… I was so confused I just went to sleep.

    The next day I was like… okay just forget it. I apologized for being so forward. He said no he didn’t think much of it. I told him that he totally rejected me but made out with my cheek. He said, he was just being nice. Then he leaves. I message him and was like even though it was crazy this week, I still like him. He said he liked me too.

    On the road he calls me and asks if we did anything together. Now this is a dude who got at 3 am cooked pizzas and was very cognizant that we didn’t kiss. When he climbed into bed with me, he stripped down to nothing and asked if he should grab protection lol (I acted asleep because I was confused). Then when he got back up at 5 he was cognizant enough to put his clothes back on. So, I said no we didn’t do anything together. He said, it’s okay if we did… I just want to know. I was like… negative, we didn’t even kiss.

    The next day, on facebook he tags me in a post thanking me for allowing me to stay. Nothing special. I sent him a message that said congratulations on Facebook (for meeting financial goals). Nothing. No reply. That’s it.

    Okay, it was a whirlwind of the week. I still have to send him his clothes he left at my place. Plus I pledged to his trip financially before we even met. So he has to message me to give me details of his accounts.

    I am so lost. I can not tell if this guy even likes me, because the messages were so mixed. Thoughts? Ideas? No contact? What should I even say when he has to contact me?

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Hi Cece,

      what’s sure is that he wanted to sleep with you, and that’s simply because you two are alone in that house. It was easy to start being friends with benefits

  6. ChrissyR says:

    I went through two major breakups with my ex. We dated 2.5 years. We lived together for 1.5 years and broke up when he took a job in another state. I accepted the breakup and kept to myself, did not contact him. Within 60 days, he contacted me and said that he missed me and thought about me all the time. I agreed to meet with him and to then be friends with him – with no benefits. [although he tried and he made mention many times] Our prior relationship had good points and very bad points. He had personal issues which I felt he needed counseling for. The breakup was a mutual agreement. I started complaining about a lot. Instead of working to fix the issues, he said let’s just agreed to break up. Prior to this, we would talk and work out issues. Issues – his words did not match is actions. Later I found out that he was cheating a lot, constantly. Every time I would raise the issue, he would say I was being insecure.

    After the first breakup and we worked on the friendship, six months later, he asked me to move to the State he lived in now. It turned out that I needed to move from the house we lived in together. For the prior 6 months, I spent a lot of time driving back and forth to the State to spend time with my friend. We were friends before we dated.

    The stress on the relationship was that I am older by him by more than 10 years. Also he developed a really bad substance abuse problem. (I don’t do any of that in any way) Last, he developed a sex addiction problem.

    Later, I learned the issues he has are related to him having an emeshed mother. He also showed signs of narcissism / sociopathic. [when I read the check list of possible signs].

    After moving to the same state, we started getting physical. He worked hard to develop a relationship again. Once we started, he became apparently better at working on the relationship. However, his mother came to town on his birthday – she has refused to meet me. So he spent the birthday between the two of us – which was odd. But his mother also brought with her two young ladies to introduce to him. He complained to me, yet did spend time with his mom [which I understood]. Two weeks later, he flew home to see his mom using the excuse that his grandmother was sick. However, when he was there, he never saw the grandmother. However, a fight broke out at his mother’s house because apparently he didn’t cooperate at meeting women his mother set up for him. He did mention that his mother was setting up a meeting for him, blind dates when he left to fly to see her. When he returned and started giving highlights, he described the scenario where there were two and three women – each family member had a woman for him to meet. He said he told his mom that he could have “15 babies” with one of the women. I listened to the rest of the highlights but my feelings were hurt. Later that day, I told him my feelings and broke-up with him. I felt he gave the word that he was considering options and everyone agreed to introduce him to a woman. We were only three months back together. I felt he should have not encouraged this blind date arrangements to go on if he was indeed committed to building the relationship. Also at that time, I found out I was pregnant. He used all of this to run away. He accepted the “breakup” and told friends that he was cutting me out of his life … and did. He refused my calls. He didn’t respond to texts. He went on serial dates with lots of women…friends would make comments. I didn’t know anyone in the state other than him and had to come to my own center. Also we started setting up a business – he said he didn’t care about the business.

    The initial weeks I did everything wrong. I second guessed the reason I broke it off with him. I tried to sit and talk with him to no avail. He told friends stories about me. …It was just awful. I finally was able to implement No-Contact and did not contact him for 3 months. He never called to see how the pregnancy was going. He told friends that he would just be there when the baby is born and would take a dna test. I said that I would not contact him if I had the baby and he did not check on me beforehand.

    I miscarried the baby at 4 months. I stayed with family for 3 months and then returned home. I didn’t tell anyone outside of family about the miscarriage. During the 3 months, I focused on ME. I built the business to a solid path, found an investor and created a multimillion business opportunity. I started posting pictures on Social media and received 200, 300 + responses to the photos. I accepted the breakup and found peace. My goal was to launch the business and become financial independent, travel the world – live the dream he and I talked about.

    He is a son of a major celebrity and is in the entertainment industry. He worked a little at his job and created a small tour – which could be seen on social media as well.

    All was well until last week – 5 months after we broke up and last communications. I posted a photo of my assistant’s baby [8 months old]. Within 3 hours of posting on social media, I received a call on FB. [He changed his phone number, moved apartments, and re-started his FB account did not invite me to be his friend but I noticed he restarted his social media accounts] He sent me a message and tried to call me on FB at 4am. I waited 24 hours to respond – wanting to think.

    I also have been making a bit of noise about the business. We are having a very public launch of a new media channel. My head has been clear and have been getting a lot done with new employees…
    I responded that I could not communicate with him right now, that I had a launch coming up. I wished him well. Then two days later, I tried to explain the comment better. I told him that I appreciated that he reached out to me and that I looked forward to sitting and talking with him but that I was working on launch of the company in 40 days. I also noted that I was continuing with the dreams we had but that I could not sit and talk with him.. that I found peace with the breakup and wished him peace.

    He never responded.

    I had to think about my intentions and hopes and what was in my heart. It took me months to get him out of my system. I didn’t want to run back to him. Also the relationship was not very great – yet I missed him. I read a lot about relationships with narcissists and felt that I experienced a lot of that.

    Right now, I want to launch a successful company. My hope is to rebuild a friendship with him. 5 months ago, I didn’t think we would ever talk .. or at least not before 2 years have gone by. I am happy he called. I want to talk with him but I need to keep on a course of success for me. I want to be able to evaluate where he really is without my emotions getting in the way. I also don’t want to make him feel rejected yet I want to build this correctly. If therapy is needed, I want to build enough influence and desire that he would take the steps if needed. ..assuming he cares about himself.

    Suggestions? Thoughts? Advice?

    Oh – and thank you .. every time I had a weak moment, I would read the stories of others and the advice of NO Contact, NO Contact … It was hard, but I did it. Then I understood the reason for it. Now I am afraid to Contact . Help.

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Hi Chris R,

      you need to move on.. If he’s really narcissitic and he still didnt change, we dont advice going back to an abusive relationship..

  7. Jill says:

    Hi, Amor:

    Long story short–my boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up a month and a half ago. Since I initiated a fight over not spending enough time together, he was really angry. Two weeks after our falling out, he said he was already seeing someone else. I never doubted his fidelity to me, so I was a bit confused, and of course hurt.

    I want to believe he’s just making that up to get back at me, but you never know.

    We went NC for a while (six weeks to be exact), and I reached out last week in an email updating him about me (new job, new hobbies, etc.). I didn’t come across as sad or spiteful. I was positive and tried to remind him subtly of the things he loved about me.

    I responded with texts saying he was happy about my new job and asked how it was going. We had a back and forth exchange about it (where he would respond right away), and he expressed concern about how much more demanding it is than my previous job.

    I haven’t heard from him since. In our previous fights, we would just restart communication instantly after having our space. Why not now? Should I just be more patient? How do I go about restarting something with him?

    First of all, where is he coming from? How does he feel about me? I don’t know for sure if he is indeed involved with someone new.

    My position is clear though, I do want another chance to revive our relationship. Any tips for reeling him back with me?

    • Jill says:

      **Correction: HE responded with texts…

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Hi Jill,

      I’m not sure what he’s feeling but this might be his perspective, just to reiterate, this is not sure..

      Whether he has a gf or not, you’ve already broken up and he’s moving on, why would he act like you just had a fight and began talking again? That happened before because you were together, now you’re not..

      you have to start building rapport through texting first, and if he doesnt want you back, yoi have to avoid looking like that’s your agenda.. So, that you means you have to initiate.. although you already did that, I dont think it’s a proper one..check this one for it.
      EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message

  8. Blaire says:

    Hi Amor – My boyfriend and I broke up in February and I started a no contact period with the intention of speaking to him in a month or so, but then I met someone else. I dated that guy for a few months, that ended and I still missed the first guy. So after 7 months, I texted him. He seemed excited to hear from me – said it was good to hear from me, said he thinks about me sometimes and that we need to catch up more. That was a few weeks ago and we have texted a total of 5 times now. Four of the times, I contacted him. Finally this last time, I asked him if he’d want to meet for a drink next week. He said yes, which I was excited about until my friends and family kept telling me not to get too excited and that it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s interested. Debbie Downers :-(. What I do know is that he doesn’t like to text and we have texted five times now for hours each time. I also know he doesn’t stay friends with his exes, yet has said he’d like to meet for a drink. I want to believe it’s a possibility he is interested again. What do you think?

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Hi Blaire,

      yes, but there’s some truth to what your friends said.. Don’t rush things..

    • Blaire says:

      Hi Amor – We went out for a drink last night and it was awesome. The spark was definitely still there (I think) and I think he was viewing it as a date since he paid for the tab at both places we went to. I did offer to pay at the second place, but he wouldn’t let me. He also lovingly rubbed my shoulder as he walked by me once too. At the end of the night, he seemed nervous how to end the night. He said he had a good time. I said me too and asked if he’d like to hang out again. The reason I asked is because he seemed to be nervous and kinda fumbling over his words, so I just said it lol. He said yes and then gave me a hug. There wasn’t a kiss, but I don’t think that’s necessarily a big deal. It’s kinda awkward giving someone a kiss in a car when you can barely reach each other. So I think he’s interested. But yes, I am going to take it slow and try to just go with the flow.

  9. Airina says:

    So,I have finished my NCR period.I iniate my first contact and I even took few hours before I reply his texts.Then,he called me and asked me out for a dinner and I said okay.So,he said that he missed me that he still have feelings for me but he just don’t feel like having a relationship with me or with anyone at this time.He needs time.So,tbh I dont know how to react.I was ready for almost every possible scenario when we met,but I didnt expect this.I didnt expect him to told me that hes not ready.What should I do? But dont get me wrong,NCR did work.Because previously when I asked him *beforencr whether we can still work things out,he said no.He said mean stuff to me.But after NCR he talk nicely to me and be gentle to me.Its just I’m confused.Pls do help me.

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Be less available.. when you do bond or talk make it fun, but show him that you have a life of your own.. Have dates with your friends or romantic date with a new guy.. You have to convey the message that you understand him but that doesn’t mean you’re going to wait forever. If he doesn’t act now, then when?

    • Airina says:

      Thanks Amor.But now when I text him,he always said he’s busy.Things seems change when I told him I feel the same about him.He said he’s sorry.I know his schedule are pack since he owns a few bar himself but during NCR period,he’s the one who chased me but now it makes I’m the one who want to chase him.Should I iniate NCR again?If so,for how long?

    • Airina says:

      Btw,I forgot to mention.It will be so nice if Chris can cover an issue on how to fix all the mistakes that might have been done AFTER the no contact rule ended.For an example,as for myself when my ex had told me he still miss me and still has feelings for me,I sort of become a text gnat back like how I used to be before I iniate NCR.And I think it feels like breaking up for the 2nd time.I tried google up on how to fix the mistakes that I did after NCR and I found NONE!most of the articles or videos talked about NCR and building mutual attraction after that but what if someone face problem like me?They made a mistake after NCR.How to reverse the mistakes?

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Thank you for the suggestions! I’ll forward to him. You don’t have to do another no contact rule but you really need to be a little distant, focus more on your activities again. Continue the ones you started during nc, and go out more with friends. That means texting less than you usually did after no contact rule.

    • Airina says:

      Hey Amor.I felt a little bit sad today.My ex texts me last night,he said “Sorry,it’s not that I’m giving you hope but for right now I just want us to stay as friends.I hope you are okay.Goodnight dear.” I try to reply it with positive vibe by saying “No pressure.Its okay.” He just bluetick my text and I tried to iniate a fun text messages to engage his attention.But like always,he just bluetick my whatsapp.Tbh,I don’t know why he act like a jerk.He said he loves me but he don’t want to get back to me now?I asked my male friends,they said how about if I wish him goodmorning and goodnight everyday for a month *withoutexpectinghimtoreply* and then poof after that.Since most of my male friends are not an expert when it comes to breakup,i just wanna confirm this with you or chris.Like right now,when he already know that I still love him,he treat me like he don’t care.Because he knows that I’m someone that is very hard to waver or fell in love with someone.He even said this “If you’re waiting for someone like me to sweep you off your feet,that person will only be me”Don’t get me wrong but there’s few others guy that have been asking me out on a date since they know I’m available again.I’m confused what should I do now.He was not my 1st love but I don’t have hard time to learn to let go of my 1st love since he died due to an accident.I found its easier to move on from a dead person than a living one.If its okay with Chris,I will really like to know his insight on this matter.But if he’s not available,I don’t mind to hear from your insight too Amor! Just please do tell me either I should listen to my male friends suggestions or should I waited for him to text me 1st or should I iniate NCR again?And plus,he priotize his works and his brotherhood *friends waayy too much that he even one said it was the reason why most of his previous ex left.But you see,I never left.Its true I did told him,I wish you spend more time with me *during we were in a relationship* And despite of anyone said,I still don’t want to move on or give up on him.

    • Airina says:

      So,my ex text me just now he said there’s a reason why I dont want to reply to your text or phone calls.I don’t want to give you hope.He said I was hoping too much and he said its makes him scared. And he said it will be better if we stop texting each other like one month ago.U know Amor,thats hurt.Deeply.Idk whats in his mind.He changes his mind too frequent.Idk how to deal with this.Its hurt.I love him and I want him back.I dont want to move on.Please.I am devastated.

    • Airina says:

      I forgot to say that when he said “let’s stop texting each other” I called him and begged him to come back.He was asking me if I can left him for 1 whole month without replying his texts why can’t I just do the same again?It feels so hurt.He kept on changing his minds every single days.The other day he told me that he loves me and missed me and then yesterday he told me to move on.Idk why I’m inlove with this guy on the 1st place.I have been looking everywhere frantically how to reverse the mistakes that I did AFTER the no contact period end.And I feel like so hopeless now.I told him that I will wait for him but then he said “Don’t wait for me.You will only torture yourself”

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Hmm.. you now appear as the chaser to him, that kills the attraction.. And also, it means, before you begged him that you showed him you haven’t really moved on and improved.. I admit, there’s little chance now, but if you really want to have a higher chance, you have genuinely, really change.. Really have your own life in a way that even if you don’t get him back, you’re ok.. It would still hurt but not to the point that you can’t let him go.. You have to do new things, meet new people and be stronger.. I don’t know if you’ve read this articles but I’ll link it and please check it out.. I’ll forward your story too but there’s no guarantee that Chris can answer.

      The Ungettable Girl
      EBR 003: Does Having Your Own Life Help You Get Your Ex Back?

    • Airina says:

      Thanks Amor!I’m now in NCR period again.In your opinion how long should I iniate NCR and idk if he will responds to my text.I really want to know whats inside his head as a male.Thats why I wish Chris will help me out here.I’m trying my best to move on because I had too.I flunk my law exam because I can’t concentrate in studies anymore.He said he wants to be free,do stuff without thinking about how I will feel.

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Do at least 45 days but I think you really need professional. It’s not good that it’s having a big negative effect in your personal life.

  10. Fred says:

    I like that…..investing in yourself and if later….depending on how things unfold….if you meet up with your ex…you have a second chance to make a great first impression. But in the end, the personal power resides with you. It kinda sounds like being at peace with oneself for the sake of “You” is the long pole in the tent.

  11. Angie says:

    We broke up 5 months ago. Being as I’ve always been very aware of others and had a great understand on many things, I got over the breakup pretty quickly. Though there were a few things about him that bothered me. I asked if we could be friends and over the course of one week, he’d label me as something I was not as if he didn’t value my worth. He had no respect for me by not accepting how I am as a person, he was not open to understanding my side of things or listening to my opinions. He’s even gone as far as constantly threatening me with the cops all the time. His actions reminded me of those of my mother’s and it was like having two similar people attacking me at once. At some point, I got defensive and criticized my ex in return where he then told me not to talk to him anymore. Realizing he’s often been doing as such during our relationship as well, I felt really hurt and started feeling as if he would treat me like Mom did for the rest of his life. I didn’t want to act like I would be okay with him insulting me like that, so I got fed up and took the initiative in the most mature way possible. I respect him yet he didn’t respect me at all in return. Two weeks ago, I’ve mastered how to approach my complaints to him without criticizing him and telling him how he was important to me and that I’m moving on. Since then, I’ve been seeing him more often recently. I saw him by my house as I was walking down the block but when he noticed I was coming near, he left immediately. When I was walking home from the library, I saw his car driving towards me and when he noticed me, he pulled to the side across the street and stayed there. I didn’t know how to react so I just acted like he wasn’t there and kept walking. Being that we live a few blocks away from each other, we are bound to see one another at some point, but I’m sure he’s been doing everything to avoid seeing me until I sent the email. I have no idea how to react in this situation.

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Hi Angie,

      Do you know what the no contact rule is?

    • Angie says:

      Yes, and I have already done so. After 35 days I sent the email.

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      hmm.. I had to ask because from you comment, it sounds like you chased him but you weren’t aware of it and then when you stopped doing that, he started getting warm with you.. But if you’ve done the no contact rule, then just do it again. Do it properly. Instead of just being silent and improving yourself. Focus in moving on and accepting that you can’t control other people. If they don’t respect you, then walk away from them. You can’t get rid of your mom, but you can walk away from your ex. Control what you can(which is yourself) and let go of the ones you can’t

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