Today, we’re going to be talking about what to do if your relationship ended badly, if you should still be trying to repair that relationship, get that ex back or simply trying to move on.
So let’s tackle the big question first, should you get your ex back?
Can you get them back?
Well the truth is, yes, you can get them back, but only if you’re willing to lose them forever.
Now, this is an inherent paradox. Yes, you can get them back, but you have to be willing to lose them first.
Well, what I’d like to do is actually talk about this concept, and it’s relatively new concept that we’ve been exploring in our coaching practice and seeing really incredible success stories with.
So first, let’s talk about getting ex’s back, specifically taking stock on if the relationship that ended badly is even worth exploring or repairing.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizTake Stock On If The Relationship Is Even Worth Getting Back
So I think it goes without saying that you should not be trying to get an ex back in some circumstances, and this is maybe the hardest thing for people to hear, because there’s sort of an abuse cycle that can tend to happen when there’s emotional abuse or physical abuse involved.
So oftentimes we’ll see situations where someone is being physically abused or emotionally abused, and they don’t want to get their ex in trouble so they keep quiet about it.
These are circumstances in which we absolutely do not believe in trying to repair relationships.
So there’s an article on our website called The Red Flags of Not Getting Back With an Ex.
So this is kind of like looks through the big red flags that we see among relationships that are non-negotiable no’s for us.
So if you experience any of these big issues, you should not be trying to repair this relationship. You should be trying to repair your heartbreak and move on completely from this person.
So what are some of these gigantic red flags?
Well, I think there’s nine that I talk about on the red flag article, but I’m going to just talk about four of them.
These are the four most common ones that we see, and these are four in which we absolutely equivocally agree you should not be trying to get your ex back.
Do Not Get Your Ex Back If There Is Emotional Or Physical Abuse Involved
The first one, or the first two really are kind of intertwined, and that’s emotional abuse and physical abuse. If you’ve experienced any kind of physical abuse, you should absolutely run the other way.
You should not be trying to win this ex back. And I say that, because when we’re dealing with situations where your relationship ended badly, there’s usually a reason for why it ended badly.
Either you are being abused or you’re fighting all the time, and that’s where kind of the next abuse can kind of come into play, and that’s emotional abuse.
So what we tend to find happen is there is a progression towards physical abuse. It starts first with emotional abuse.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizAnd emotional abuse can be anything like gas lighting to putting you down. We’re going to talk a little bit about controlling types of behavior, but we’ve noticed that this can kind of get looped into the emotional abuse cycle. And what tends to happen is as the person becomes more emotionally abusive, physical abusive type stuff can plague the relationship.
If you’re in a situation like this, you need to get help. You need to run away. You need to end the relationship with this person forever. And I realize we are a website that helps people repair relationships. And you know it’s pretty bad when I’m sitting here saying, if you are in a situation where you’re emotionally abused or even physically abused, you need to get away from this person.
This is a relationship that ended badly. Sure, you should not be trying to get this person back.
Do Not Get Your Ex Back If They Were Overly Possessive
The next type of person you should not be trying to explore get back is the overly possessive individual.
This is very common behavior, I think in younger couples, but we even see it with older couples.
I think it’s mostly going to be based on attachment styles. Usually avoidant people don’t exhibit so much possessive behavior.
Usually it’s kind of the anxious avoidant, if that makes any sense. So maybe the fearful avoidant approach. What does a possessive behavior look like?
Well, it’s pretty standard. It’s usually where they’re trying to control you in all sorts of ways.
My wife tells the story about one of her first boyfriends ever, who was so possessive that she would go to the restroom and he would be standing outside the restroom knocking on it saying, “what are you doing in there?” And this kind of controlling, possessive behavior, clearly this guy was worried that she was texting someone else.
And I think the thing you need to understand about possessive behavior is it doesn’t easily go away.
Usually almost in all cases, any type of possessive behavior is based on anxious issues going on inside the individual. So if you take the example of my wife, where she’s in the bathroom, her ex-boyfriend comes over and knocks on the door and is asking what she’s doing, the reason he’s doing that is because he’s afraid that she’s cheating on him.
And she gave him no indication that she was interested in anyone else, but he is so afraid of getting hurt that he responds to that by doing everything he can to control and possess her. And that’s usually not a good sign. This is the kind of sign that kind of creates toxic relationships. Don’t try to get this person back.
Do Not Get Your Ex Back If There Is Addiction Involved
And then the final, big thing that we want to say you should take stock on and if this relationship is even worth saving is addiction, while it is socially acceptable to be there for someone who has an addiction.
What’s interesting is I don’t think someone with an addiction, I think a lot of the clients that I’ve experienced at least, and this is purely my speculation based on my experience coaching individuals for the past 10 years, in my experience, someone who comes to us wanting repair a relationship that ended badly and addiction was present in there within their exes, they kind of have this mentality that they can be the ones to fix them.
And the truth is that they can’t. And that might be a hard thing and not a socially acceptable thing to say.
But I think it’s kind of, the best way I can maybe describe this is someone with an addiction has to want to repair themselves. They are aware of the problem. Oftentimes they’re using the problem to mask how they’re really feeling about different situations in life.
And I think, I’m really big into triathlons right now.
And one of the top triathletes in the world’s this guy named Lionel Sanders.
He’s got a really interesting story, but he was someone who was addicted to … He started off just smoking marijuana and then eventually graduated up to taking harder drugs, like cocaine. And he literally, he went to college on a track scholarship, on a cross country scholarship so he’s a really good runner.
And he just let it go because he got so addicted to all these substances. And it got to the point where he was so addicted to so many hard things that he started hallucinating. He got a job. So he didn’t have to go outside of his house, so he got a job writing articles for some website or something.
He didn’t want to go outside the house. He was hallucinating.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizHe got to the point where he became suicidal. And what’s interesting about this is he was aware of the problems that was going on, and it wasn’t until he made a conscious decision himself to fix himself that strides were actually made. What worked for him, and I’m not saying this is going to work for everyone with an addiction, but what worked for him was taking this negative addiction and pouring it into something, pouring that energy into a positive addiction. So he became obsessed with finishing an Ironman triathlon and ended up sort of saving his life. And he’s very open about his struggles with substance abuse. And he took ownership of it and take stock of it.
And my point is, the thing I learned from him is someone with a serious addiction doesn’t really want to get rid of the addiction until they’re ready to, and nothing anyone says will change their mind.
So if you are in a situation where you’ve taken stock on a relationship and you’ve noticed that there’s any kind of emotional abuse, physical abuse, your ex is overly possessive or there’s addiction aspects, these are situations in which you should not be trying to win your ex back.
You should be pouring all of your focus and efforts into moving on. But what about situations where those aren’t present?
That’s where things get kind of interesting. So we know that this relationship ended badly.
What Does A Relationship Ending Badly Usually Look Like?
Now, what does a relationship ending badly actually look like?
Well, usually there’s a lot of arguments at the end. I think most of the time when I think of relationships ended badly, I think back to my first relationship ever when I was in high school, an 18 year old kid, all the way up to 19, because I think that relationship at lasted maybe 12 months or something.
You’re immature, she’s immature.
You’re both making mistakes in the relationship. You’re not talking about what’s really bothering you. You let it boil up inside and then you just kind of argue. So it seems like every single week you’re together, you’re arguing about something. Eventually you just start arguing about stuff that you don’t even realize why you’re arguing.
You’re just arguing to argue.
These are relationships that end badly.
And I think when you’re dealing with this relationship, and the question ultimately here is can you still get him back if this relationship ended badly? And my answer at the beginning of this was yes, but you need to be willing to lose him forever.
So I’m about to kind of let you in on the secret that most of my peers aren’t willing to tell you, but I’m going to tell you for free.
Learning To Fail Forwards
So we often talk about these periods of no contact.
The period of no contact, this period of time where you ignore your ex with the intent of making them miss you and kind of going through this internal growth. Well, what’s interesting is I think a lot of people get the wrong idea with regards to no contact.
And what we’ve learned over the past few years after studying a lot of different success stories really is that the no contact rule isn’t the important part.
Yes, it gives you the opportunity to help make an ex miss you. But what’s more important is what you do with your time during no contact.
And what we’ve noticed consistently is there are very clear indicators that someone who is successful at preparing a relationship that ended badly does during no contact. And this is kind of the secret potion, if you will. If you’re ever looking for a magic bullet, and this is by no means a magic bullet, this is the closest thing I can get you to it.
So I think the first thing I noticed when I talk to people that went through no contact successfully and ended up getting their exes back is they looked at failure differently.
They failed forwards.
And what I mean by that is, throughout life you’re going to be approached with failure or you’re going to experience failure. And how you react to that failure is going to tell you everything about the type of human being that you are. Most people when confronted with failure run the other way.
They won’t take chances. Think about it like this, if I were to sit here and ask you to date someone new right here, right now, you probably wouldn’t do it.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizNumber one, you would say you’re not in the right head space. But inherently there’s a contradiction inside with that. You’re lying to yourself. You are in the right head space to begin dating someone new.
And before you argue with me, here’s my point. I think if you go on a date with someone new, what you are afraid of is failure. Not with the new person, but failure with the previous relationship. It’s an acknowledgement of the failure that that relationship failed. It’s an acknowledgement that you are maybe by ceremony trying to move on.
It’s a worry that you’re going to fail to get your ex back.
You’re going to send off the wrong signals and you’re afraid of failing. That’s the truth. So there’s two ways that you can fail. You can either fail forwards or you can fail backwards. So what’s the difference between the two? Well, someone who fails backwards is someone who lets failure define them. So I think we can look at a breakup as failure. It is failure. Someone who lets that failure, lets that breakup define them, and impact them and impact every decision they make is ultimately not go going to do well.
But someone who is going to seek out more failures and learn from those failures, that person’s going to do well. So yeah, I think there is a certain amount of taking stock on what you could have done better in the relationship, what your ex could have done better in the relationship.
If the relationship is even worth saving is really important to figure out. That’s called failing forwards. That’s learning from the failure. But I think also the inherent issue that most people have is they’re afraid to seek failure out. They’re afraid to put themselves in opportunities where they can fail, because the feeling of failure is so strong within them they don’t want to ever feel it again. And maybe there’s an aspect of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs in there.
So one of the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, when you look at it, one of the interesting aspects is at the bottom of the pyramid, things like your basic needs, like food.
A lot of people are afraid to go after that promotion at work because they’re afraid of offending someone and losing their job, or they’re afraid of doing something. And that’s a direct hit on their ability to feed themselves or shelter themselves and things like that. And so they become defined by this fear of failure.
And my point is, during the no contact rule, if you’re going to do this seriously, you need to reframe the way your mind looks at failure.
You need to look at it in this way, that it’s an opportunity for you to learn. People don’t like failures. I know it’s kind of hard to hear this, but people don’t like failures. Our society is built to reward winners. And yet, what’s interesting about the winners is, I’ve noticed the true winners in life are the people who have failed so many times and learned from those failures so many times that they begin to succeed.
Sports is a great way of showing this analogy.
I used to play tennis pretty competitively.
And what was interesting is when I first started to learn to play tennis, I was awful. When I first played my first match, I was physically in great shape, and I played this really fat looking guy and he wiped the floor with me. Why? I was just starting and I hadn’t failed enough. Now I could’ve let that failure define me, but I kept practicing, and practicing and practicing, and pretty soon I became really good. But you only become really good by failing, and then learning, and then failing, and then learning, and then failing and then learning. And I think a lot of times people get self-conscious about the failure and they don’t learn from it. So this is the first thing I want you to do during no contact. You need to learn from your failures and you need to seek it out.
Embrace The Holy Trinity
The second big thing I would say to do during the no contact rule if you want to get your ex back is to really embrace this idea of the Holy Trinity.
Now, we’ve been talking about the Holy Trinity a lot throughout the history of this website. Health, wealth, relationships. But I’m going to add an addendum to it. I no longer think life can be divided up into three simple categories.
I think there’s actually four categories if we’re being realistic about it. There’s health, which is anything that impacts your health physically or mentally. So this could be things like working out, or seeking out a therapist to talk to, or seeking out one of our coaches to talk to. These are things that impact your health positively. Then there’s of course wealth. This is probably the most obvious and straightforward one. This is anything that gets you money. Anything that helps your wealth as a whole. This can be investment opportunities. This can be quitting a job and starting a new one. This can be starting a new business. This can be anything in those realms.
And if you’re really young, let’s say you’re still early in college and you don’t really have much of a job, you can still work on this. There’s different things that you can do. And then of course there’s relationships. But the addendum here, or not the full addendum, but an addendum is with regards to the Holy Trinity, the relationships aspect, it’s outside of your ex. Too often we get clients who are so razor focused on the breakup they neglect all the relationships outside of that breakup. So this is friends. This is family. This is other romantic partners. Remember when I said people are afraid to go date new people because they’re afraid of failing, not with the new person, but failing with their ex. Well, this is kind of an opportunity to focus on those things.
And this is how you rebuild your life after a breakup. But the issue I had with the Holy Trinity, or the realization I had maybe last year or a couple years ago, was truly if you just live your life in a way … So I always try to practice what I preach. So I’m always, every single day try to function my time to where I’m doing something health wise, wealth wise, relationship wise, always seeking that ever elusive balance. And yet what I found to be fascinating was seeking that balance to not give my life meaning. Sure, I can easily argue that talking to you and helping people through their breakups and relationships should give me meaning, but it didn’t. Sometimes stuff like this feels like work to me because I have to do a lot of it every single day and put out fires every single day, and it kind of takes the fun out of it for me.
And it wasn’t until I found sort of the fourth pillar of the Holy Trinity that I began to realize this is fun again. And that’s sort of the Magnum Opus pillar. This is the pursuit of your life that you feel gives your life meaning. This could be anything. But the important part is that it gives your life a meaning. This is kind of the legacy component. So for me, it’s writing stories. I’ve always been incredibly passionate about that. For my wife, I think it would be creating something that helps parents with children. That’s something she’s incredibly passionate about. This could be anything. The important part is that you’re super passionate about, you can work on it. It’s almost like when you’re working on wealth based stuff, it’s the thing that you’re thinking about while you’re like, I just want to get this done so that I can work on that. And what we find is when I tell people to do this, all sorts of really interesting things come up with their Magnum Opus concept.
And really the Magnum Opus concepts is kind of the thing that you want to be remembered for when you’re gone, the statement you want to make on life. And it could be anything. It’s personal to you. And if your relationship ended badly, what you’re going to find happen is if you fail forwards, if you work on this Holy Trinity, health, wealth, relationships, Magnum Opus, a subtle shift is going to take in how you view, not only the past relationship with your ex, but how you view yourself. You create confidence for yourself. Other people start to notice that confidence and it creates momentum. The momentum eventually gets back to your ex. Your ex eventually wants to figure out what you’re up to. So this is kind of the first foundational of work that you do before you do any, any reach outs, or text messages, or sort of strategies or tactics.
A lot of people think if they say the right thing or do the right thing, that’s the key. Well, no, it’s kind of a combination of everything. Success is not linear. It’s a lot of ups and downs. It’s a lot of squiggles and circles. And it’s messy. It’s kind of like doing everything at once. The stoic philosophy, I think this is the old Roman Marcus Aurelius kind of was a famous stoic, and there’s something about it that I really like, and that’s the ability to focus on only what you can control. So the stoic man or female is only concerned with things that he has control over. He’s only concerned with, or she, she’s only concerned with reaching her maximum potential in all areas of life. And it’s kind of that statement where you have to check yourself, when you say, am I doing everything I possibly can in this area? And if you’re not saying yes, the stoic, that’s the thing that bothers them.
They’re not bothered by losing a job. They’re not bothered by losing a relationship. They’re not bothered, I don’t know, by something else that happens that they have no control over. They can’t control other people. They can’t control the weather. They can’t control society. What they can control is their soul. They can’t control their actions. And they are hyper, hyper obsessed with controlling their actions and maximizing their potential to help humanity. This is the kind of philosophy that you need to have when you go through a breakup, especially if the breakup ended badly, because the key thing that you need to hear, but no one ever wants to hear is the true secret to succeeding after all of this heartbreak is by focusing on yourself-
Gem
August 30, 2021 at 6:59 am
Hi chris, me and my ex broke up last week. He ended the relationship and he said he has been thinking about it for a while. We brought a house together and I had not moved in yet. I started to criticising him all the time and it made him feel shit. I would man all the time about the house being a mess and him not doing much round the house. We started to argue a lot, before this we never argued and was really happy together for 3 years. We recently had a miscarriage two weeks before he called things off. He didn’t want to work at out problems and he said himself they were fixable but he sees me in a negative light now and not the girl he first got with. I was not I. A great way. I lost my mum, my brother fell unwell and I was pushing him a way, it started to effect him and he could not have handle it anymore. I support him for 3 years and was the perfect girlfriend when his brother died. I was there no matter what. He has ended things abruptly and had said he was thinking about it for months. We used to get on sooo well. It’s really was our first big argument and first real bump. I was ignoring his feelings and not being emotionally supportive of him. I was a little lost in all mine. I did beg a little for him to work things out with me and that I would change, I don’t know I was having such an effect on him. I really want him back but I can not see him changing his mind. He said he was miserable and unhappy and dreaded seeing me. I don’t know who to fix it. I don’t feel our problems were un fixable. His very stubborn and he thinks a lot. He would have thought things through before he came to this. He said he stays with me or he leaves me and takes back control of his life
E
April 28, 2021 at 1:08 am
My ex and I were together for 10 months. Since early in our relationship (about the 3 month mark) we both knew I would have to move across the country to start a new, exciting career. We stayed together after I got my job offer, not knowing when I would be leaving and dedicated to spending as much time together as possible before I left. This was the time line: met Feb 2020, became exclusive March 2020, I got hired May 2020, I moved into his place July 2020, I left to move across country November 2020. We had such good times together before I left. We had a great relationship, very healthy, talked out any disagreements, had super fun adventures. Just all around had an amazing time. Very loving. He spent time with my family and I with his. Everyone thought we would be together forever. We discussed him moving with me when I left to pursue my career. I told him it was his decision, and that I knew it was a big ask. He spent a few months thinking it through and in October 2020 he said yes he would move with me. We discussed children and a timeline for having a family, as well as a timeline for him moving to join me. We decided he would come out in April 2020.
Before I left I told him I was worried he would change his mind. He looked me dead in the eyes and said he was for sure moving to be with me. In January 2021 I brought up the move to start hashing out details (time line, costs, etc.) that’s when he dropped the bombshell. He did not want to move. And he did not want to do long distance.
He lives in our home town where all of our friends and family are located. I now live 3000 miles away. I told him I would move back home for him. He did not want me to do so. A month and a half after the break up (March 2020) I travelled back to our home to see him and try and salvage the relationship. I was very angry that he betrayed me. We spent two weeks together fighting it out. By the end of it he said he didn’t love me and that he had never loved me. He kicked me out of his house. Since then he has blocked me on everything and refuses to speak to me.
For context we are both mid-thirties.
I am devastated. I have no way to contact him or see him. I miss him so much.
Marie
December 28, 2020 at 10:08 am
Me and my ex fiance were together for 3 yrs it was bumpy bc he is a recovery addict and i deal with mental health so he wouldnt do what he was suppose to do and i wouldnt take my meds and that was a big thing for him well jump ahead he got fired from his Apprenticeship which wasnt his fault and me and him got into a fight and he left and and had to go back down to where all his problems started the ppl he thought was friends in recovery all turned their back on him and i wasnt much help bc of my mental state and said he just wanted to die and use again and he justed wanted time and he didnt know his left from his right well jump ahead 2 days later he came down on my birthday and was telling me to think bout if he got an apartment if me and my son would move in with him bc where i live he knew i need to get out for my health and he wanted to make love that night but i was so tired and i wanted him to earn that back well he was whispering in my ear how much he loved me and were soulmates and if he has to hell drive and hr everyday to come see me bc he moved back in with his aunt who lives and hr from me well the next day he said hell pick up my son so i got an attitude and asked if he really was and there was other stuff bout him going back down to were hes staying and it hurt me but bc i was off my meds it probably came off nasty well when i left he stayed in my house and told me he loved me when i was walking out the door well 3 hrs later when i was at work i got a txt from a txting app number and it was him saying he sorry for pressuring me last night and thats something he has to live with for the rest of his life and that i wont hear or see him any more hes tired of the games and he wished me and my son the best so i called his real number and he changed it so that set me off and he knew it bc of my illness and i blew him up well i went and messaged his dad on facebook and lets say it was nasty but i did email him after saying i loved him its been almost a wk now and i havent contacted him well i cant bc he doesnt have fb or anything else ans he changed his number and idk wherw his aunt lives bc he never told me and i so badly want to c him but i know i cant and have no way too i just dont understand within and 8 hr spam he want from saying all that to leaving me and changing his number theres alot more that happen in the relationship good and bad i just dont know if its really the end
Piedra
December 21, 2020 at 9:02 am
Overall we have been together 4 years. I am 39 and he is 38.
Last year, after 2 and a half years together, he broke up with me because he said he just didn’t feel the same, but I later found out that he was after other women. But he then also wouldn’t leave me alone. I kept going back and sleeping with him because I thought he loved me but he still wouldn’t commit.
I asked him to either leave me alone and let me get on with my life or commit to a future with me. We then did couples counselling for 3 months which seemed to help, but he still didn’t know what he wanted, so again I asked him to either leave me alone and let me get on with my life or commit to a future with me.
This time (May 2020) he said let’s do it, lets talk about having a family, it will be great. We moved back in together and it was great, but he was just words and no action.
When I wanted to talk about having a family, he shut me down and said it was too quick and now he has broken up with me again nearly 3 weeks ago afetr another 7 months together. I got really angry with the breakup and shouted a lot (which I never do) which probably wasn’t a good move and moved out almost immediately.
I love this man and we have so much in common and generally don’t fight, we talk about things.
I went back last week to pick up some things and he was all over me again, I said we shouldn’t but then I let him, and he still doesn’t know what he wants.
My problem is I am reaching an age where I may struggle to have children if I wait any longer and i don’t just want to have to go out and find someone to have a family with that I don’t know very well or that I don’t love.
Jack Forrest
September 9, 2020 at 9:48 am
Can we please discuss my situation and how you can help?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 9, 2020 at 9:39 pm
If you can post your situation her and I can reply to help best I can. If you want one to one coaching that is in our products section
Megan
September 7, 2020 at 10:52 am
Tell me the details of your breakup.
My ex and I dated very 6 months but we were pretty serious. He asked me very quickly to be exclusive and I pushed back but than gave in under the circumstances that we were compatible as far as dating with the intention of marriage (he’s 35, I’m 32) he agreed. We communicated a lot (mainly because covid and because also I noticed very quickly he wasn’t very emotionally mature) I would say that we had conflict but mainly because I felt like I was giving 110 and not being matched. He wasn’t easy to please and was easily angered and fairly selfish. I decided to take a break and he blindsided me with a breakup during a very difficult time in my life. Of course there wasn’t closure (he said he saw our relationship way differently than I did) and I was hurt emotional and confused. We had just be in Cabo planning our lives together.
So I did limited NC and reached out looking for closure. I didn’t beg for him back. He was always willing to meet up in person and talk but I wasn’t emotionally prepared because I felt like he was steadfast in his thoughts and I wanted mutual agreement on the demise of our breakup rather than blame for it all.
So I would say 3 other times we were in contact, I said that I accepted his decision (although didn’t want it to be that way) I sent accountability on my end of where I could have been better but he has not reciprocated.
Finally after saying he wouldn’t be friends because of how straining our breakup was (which he handled horribly) I went off on him and told him that he is selfish, can’t blame everyone else and take no accountability and he blocked me. I am hurt and resentful to him because if he really cared about me i think he would apologize and give clarity. He said we were not compatible which is so laughable. When we met, we both thought it was too good to be true because every foundational pillar was met- (religion, work ethic, marriage, financial, politics)) on top of having a ton in common.
It’s been 1.5 months since the breakup. He reached out this past weekend and that’s when I went off on him because he said that he was willing to talk but again isn’t on mutual ground- he just sees it his way. Which is unfair.
So I am now entering NC- indefinite because he has hurt me so much, with broken promises, trust, and feeling zero remorse.
My question is is that I feel as though me reaching out for closure made me look needy and clingy (which is far from the truth) I just was hurt so emotionally and was going through so much and for someone to take zero accountability I couldn’t understand. If I stay In no contact is it possible he will feel the silence and actually become rational and fair?
What have you done since the breakup?
I’ve done so much work on myself. I have set and met goals, therapy, journaling, new friends, rekindled relationships, grown so much in my independence, promotion at work.
Vanshika
August 23, 2020 at 3:10 am
Hi My 3.5 year relationship just ended two weeks ago. We had our differences and i got upset because he had to leave to another country for his PG. I started overthinking the situation and called our relationship off. But after a week i realised that it might work if we work it through. But just when i wanted him back and apologised he dumped me and said that he never wanted to be with me and that he did not see a future with me. I tried to convince him to stay but things got very ugly and by the end of the day i lashed out my anger and said him things i shouldn’t have. I apologised to him for the wrong that i said to him and he merely ignored my message.I have been on the no contact since then and haven’t contacted him since two weeks. Yesterday he unfollowed me on insta I really don’t know what that means and why did he do that. But i maintained my calm and let him do whatever he has to and did not say a thing. I’d really like for this work and what are the chances that i might actually get him back.
Jess
August 11, 2020 at 6:55 pm
My ex fiancé and I dated long distance for 9 years. A year ago I moved into his home and at Christmas he proposed. At the beginning of June he stated after therapy he no longer wanted to get married and was unsure if he could be in a relationship at this point in his life. He’s 44…I’m 38. Ultimately in July he chose to leave his home giving me time to make arrangements to leave myself. Two weeks later I find myself 3 hours away and emotionally distraught still. Anger started to set in when I found some tweets from a woman claiming to date him now. We haven’t even been broken up a month at this point! He’s cold to me, hateful, and says he acts this way so I don’t get the wrong impression. He’s stated many times I need to move on and that he’s done. I have no idea where his anger comes from as I did t wrong him. We’ve had some loose ends since and have not started NC yet. I’ve spent a lot of years with this man and while the circumstances are so completely messed up, I would like another shot. Is this possible?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 11, 2020 at 8:59 pm
Hey Jess, it could be possible but it means that you have to follow a 45 day No Contact period and the being there method if he is with someone else. You need to read and follow the advice for the being there method and stick with it when you start reaching out to your ex at the end of your 45 days
Teagan
July 19, 2020 at 2:05 pm
Me and my ex we’re together off and on for 7.5 years. We lived together for the last 2.5 years.
We had an ugly breakup. She was mad at me for something and even though I owned up to what I did and apologized. I ended up fighting with her over our son (whom I love with all my heart) but she sad some really rude shit and I just snapped and we fought in a way we never did before. This time she packed up her and our son and moved out that day. I want them back but I don’t know if we can come back from the things we said during that fight.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 19, 2020 at 6:27 pm
Hey Teagan, your ex may need some times to get over the words that were exchanged during the argument, if there was any violence I would suggest that you accept that the relationship is done and focused on how you are going to co parent healthily to see your child. If not then you need to follow a limited no contact for 45 days and then start the texting phase.
Ashley
July 19, 2020 at 1:29 pm
We were together for almost 2 years lived with each other and his friend for a year and then moved into our own apartment about 2 months in our new apartment he broke up with me because he felt like I was always complaining and he couldn’t find no peace. He allowed me to go through that situation alone and started talking to another girl a couple days later it really hurt me and I lashed out destroying some of his things. I took my name off the lease and moved out eventually We talked about it and I started to come back over there and stay with him. When we would argue things would blow up and I would throw things again we would talk and calm down and be back together again but this last time it was a bigger blow up and he completely cut me off. I realized that I had not forgiven the first time and ruined it for good. He was doing everything he could to mend the relationship and I was very angry and emotional and it pushed him away. I have apologized and we talked for awhile but he said right now he doesn’t know if he wants to get back together and with time he either will or he won’t. I know I messed up bad I’m seeing a therapist and I’m not that angry person I really miss him and I don’t want to loose him
Dania
July 17, 2020 at 12:43 pm
We were together for 1 year and a couple of months, we were living together raising his son, I would help him so much. We broke up because I over reacted on this particular topic that involved his sons family, and I got upset because my ex was around the baby mamas family and wouldnt include me. Since the break up for the past 2 1/2 weeks I have been nothing but bombarding him with messages trying to get him back, and we would fight more than before, and he asked me for space, but I didn’t give it to him. Around 2 days ago we got into this physical fight because I was trying to get the rest of my things and he wouldn’t allow me too. So in the heat of the moment I slapled him. The next day he contacted me about something he needed help with, but he was being hot and cold. I feel like the best way to go about it is to stop talking to him… I don’t know
Coco
July 13, 2020 at 4:29 pm
My ex and recently broke up officially this past weekend but mentally we both checked out about a month ago.
We had been together for a year and half. After 3 months we had sex and a month later we agreed to be exclusive. By the 6 month, things were odd. I hadn’t met any of his friends or family. Nor have I been to his house. I asked him if he was married or hiding something and he looked me in my eyes and denied it all. I later found out he was legally married but they were separated. When i confronted him he said he felt it wasn’t any of my business.
I agreed to leave it behind and move forward with him but all we did was fight every other week over my accusations of his time and whereabouts and the fact that our relationship had been stagnant. He would only come over my house at normal hours. We would mainly hangout by my house.
We broke up right after Christmas and didn’t speak for 2 months. He contacted me in February and shortly after we began an exclusive relationship again. Things were a bit different this time for the better but his old ways were very much present.
He got caught up in lies, guarded his phone like Fort Knox and began suddenly developed an urge to buy sex toys for us to use in tye bedroom.
It didn’t take a rocket scientist to realize he was cheating but I had no proof.
He told me he didn’t trust me but that’s because of his own guilt. He even went thru my phone looking for something and found nothing.
I had offered to him a chance to move in with me but he ended up getting an apartment instead. I never seen it in person.
He broke up with me Saturday over a text message and then we both used an Arsenal of ugly words (me more than him).
As messed up as this relationship was, and the worth i know I deserve, I still love him. And i secretly hope he can change his thought process and develop into the great man i know he is and once was.
Emily Covey
July 8, 2020 at 4:28 pm
Hey I really hope I’ll get a reply.
I’ve been with my ex for 8 years, it was an LDR but we’ve seen each other from time to time and then he moved further away.
Towards the end, I had issues at home and I was distant and would go days without talking to him but I did love him.
He finally said that enough was enough , that I emotionally abusing him and our relationship was toxic and broke up with me over a very long text.
I of course did the begging and pleading to which he answered by saying that he’denevr give me a chance and I replied by a horrible text that I now regret.
I obviously want him back. It’s been over a month or f no contact.
Should I write him a “clean slate”? What do I do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 26, 2020 at 10:21 am
Hi Emily, no do not write a clean slate text just go into a No Contact for 30 days and work on your Holy Trinity. With your relationship being long distance you need to use social media or any form of contact you have to show your ex you are doing well. As for the future, did you discuss plans of being together long term at all? As all LDR need an end plan of being together full time or it causes strain on your relationship
Ankita Singh
June 18, 2020 at 5:16 am
I was in a relationship for 4 years. The first three years were like a fairytale but the last one was very scary. This was the year when we started to live together too for sometime.There were a lot of fights and disagreements. He also started to ignore me, my calls, my texts. Also started getting angry with me. Kept a distance from me but always said that he loved me. He had never been with some girl. His ignorance and the fact that he stopped giving me time and his short replies made my anger grew to a new level and we broke up. I just don’t know what’s wrong. I have been chasing him for the last year of our relationship. He never opens up to me. Are we really over?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 6, 2020 at 6:42 pm
Hey Ankita, I would suggest that you go into a 45 day No Contact and start working through the program, it really depends on how you deal with the situation if you get your ex back. Read about the Holy trinity and being Ungettable show your ex what he has lost
Angelyn
May 23, 2020 at 11:47 pm
Well in my case,we’re dating online for five months. We never met each other yet.Everything went pretty well,until we got into heated arguments 3times about his ex girlfriend because they are still friend in facebook and I get jealous about it,He said they are only friends but I have the instinct that they are still together Because the his ex gf status in facebook is in a relationship and they have still photos with my Boyfriend so I don’t believe that they are not together anymore..so we have a big fight(including blackmailing)it’s a really big fight on the phone,then he broke up with me and we still in contact,after 2days of break up he ask for space,and i said okay you will have the space you needed.is there any chance he will get back to me?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
June 9, 2020 at 10:40 am
Hey Angelyn, so I would suggest that you follow the program starting with a full No Contact for at least 30 days and if he is still with his current girlfriend then you would need to read and implement the being there method
Harmony Andersen
May 22, 2020 at 6:30 am
We were together for 2 1/2 years. I think it was because I didn’t want to move to a small town and he didn’t want to live in a city. But I’m realizing I want to compromise to be with him. I’ve tried to contact him about how I’m feeling, he dosent really talk about emotions. He helped me with my car and talked a little bit about the breakup but not much. We haven’t really been talking. I have no idea what to do. I emailed him saying I wish we ended on better terms, he dumped me over the phone. I just hate to think he didn’t think I’d want to compromise on where to live, we used to live together, I moved home after college because I got a job, I wish I would’ve realized that I want to compromise for a life with him, I fear it is too late since he won’t respond to me.
Katie
May 21, 2020 at 7:27 pm
I was in a long distance relationship, but it wasn’t that long, only 3 months in total. We dated for two months until the first break-up, I went into NC after and kept it up for almost 2 months and he reached out a few times during that. We got back together about 4 months after the break-up, but it lasted only a month until he broke up over a stupid argument we had. That was 1.5 months ago. I’ve been doing NC again, I didn’t really have a choice as he blocked me everywhere. But I was stupid now, I learned he might be seeing someone new and it looks as if that woman was already close to him while we were still together and I completely lost it and had two friends of mine reply to a comment she made under one of his posts and call her a homewrecker. *facepalm*
I’m just not sure anymore if I still wanna try to get him back or if I should just leave it.
Tonya
May 18, 2020 at 4:43 pm
My ex and I broke up after about 4 months because he left the state for military training and the long distance was too hard. We got back together for a few months, but the same problems occurred. We agreed that we need to walk away because the current situation as too hard. He reached out a few weeks after the break up and we talked on and off with me telling him it was a bad idea to talk and eventually caving for about 2 months. Then, I got drunk and picked a fight and he never responded to multiple messages even after I apologized. That was two weeks ago. Is there any chance that I’ll get him back? What should I do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 27, 2020 at 9:53 pm
Hey Tonya, by the sounds of things you drift back into contact so yes I think you will hear from him again. However the reason for your break is still there, if you can not make things work long distance and that distance is not going to change then you are going to fall into the same pattern of on and off again relationship. As he is in the military I don’t think there is going to be a change in circumstance, so you would have to adjust to the long distance and make it work, or accept it never will
K
May 14, 2020 at 5:49 am
I was seeing a guy for a month and things were going super well but also moving very quickly. I thought we were on the path to becoming official but he hit with “maybe we should try and slow down”. I panicked and instead of slowing down I became somewhat clingy and he ended things with me in a text a week later. Things got somewhat heated over text because I felt blind sided because even after saying he wanted to slow down his actions seemed to say otherwise. It’s been a week since we ended things, can I get him back?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 20, 2020 at 9:07 pm
Hey K, so what you did was give him the impression you are needy. Which is the opposite of what he wanted because he felt things were going too fast for him. I would say that you complete a 30 day NC and then reach out again trying to rebuild your connection
Syafiqah
May 8, 2020 at 12:53 pm
So we were together for 1 year. He got into army and things got bad when he got promoted. He suddenly could not even text me and i kept asking him and he told me he was busy / tired after work. Hence we broke up and he came back to me 2 weeks after the break up. Same fight happen again and we broke up for like 3 times. The final break up happen and we end it nicely but a month later we started fighting. (All the break ups didnt end it well, and always seem needy and desperate) Its been 2 months now and we not talking. I was thinking to reach out to on the 5th month. Is it too late?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 13, 2020 at 11:10 pm
Hey there, yes 5 months is much too long you need to reach out after a full NC is complete using a text Chris suggests