This is going to be one of the most comprehensive guides for writing a letter to your ex on the planet.

I’m going to be answering all sorts of questions for you like,

  • If writing a letter is a good idea
  • When should should write a letter to your ex
  • And what you should say in said letter assuming it’s a good idea

The best part?

I’m going to be showing you what’s working right now in a sample letter.

Let’s begin!

How To Write The Perfect Letter To Get Your Ex Back

One thing you’ll hear me say a lot is that getting an ex back really boils down to two things,

  1. Positioning
  2. Timing

Letters are kind of interesting because they are really only about positioning.

The biggest mistake I see people making is sending an ex a letter way too soon.

In other words, the timing is completely off.

Letters are great emotion enhancers.

That’s pretty much it.

Therefore, it’s important for you to ensure that you time when you send it to your ex perfectly.

I’m going to show you how to do that in this guide.

Here’s the order in which we are going to be going today,

  • When to send a letter to your ex
  • How to write a letter to your ex
  • Sample letter to your ex

Let’s hit the ground running.

When To Send A Letter To Your Ex

A few months ago I recorded this video on YouTube,

In it, I hypothesized that letters are bad to send to your ex unless you’re already in a relationship with them.

I also stated that sending a letter to your ex too soon can kind of creep them out.

Believe it or not but I only agree with one of those statements now.

That’s shocking to hear me say, isn’t it?

But here’s the thing about “getting an ex back,” it isn’t an exact science which means that as I gain more experience and knowledge I amend my process.

So, what statement do I no longer believe in?

This one,

Letters are bad to send to your ex unless you’re already in a relationship with them.

I’d actually like to amend that hypothesis and say that there is a place for letters in the overall process but only as an emotion enhancer.

What Is An Emotion Enhancer?

Consider for a moment the vehicles in which we communicate with our exes.

Most of us will use,

  • Text messages
  • Social Media
  • Email

The interesting thing about those “vehicles” is that they aren’t very personalized.

They are socially acceptable.

  • You could text a colleague at work.
  • You are friends with that colleague on social media.
  • You use email to communicate with them.

The vehicles of communication you use to communicate with someone can be indicative of how you feel about them.

You don’t just have a 2 hour “skype” or phone conversation with someone unless they mean something to you.

You don’t just talk to someone in person for a couple of hours either unless they mean something to you too.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

You don’t just create a handwritten letter to someone unless they mean something to you usually.

Ok, so we’ve established that a handwritten letter as a vehicle for communication is a lot more personal than a simple text message. I’d like to switch gears now and talk a bit about how letters are best used to “enhance” emotions.

Have you ever seen the movie “Click?”

In my opinion it’s actually pretty underrated and has some hilarious moments,

The premise of the movie is relatively straightforward.

Adam Sandler comes into possession of a magical remote but instead of it being able to control his television it’s able to control his life.

He can pause…


Fast forward…

You get the picture.

Anyways there’s a scene where he forgets his “relationship song” with his wife so he pauses his life and rewinds his life to see what it is,

It turns out that his “relationship song” became his “relationship song” because it was the song playing in the background during his first kiss with his wife.

That’s not the important part though.

How he attained that first kiss is.

If you paid attention to the clip I just linked to above you’d notice that Adam Sandler used a series of notes to progress the kiss forward.

This is probably the best representation of an “emotion enhancer” that I can find.

So, you have Adam Sander out on a date with the beautiful Kate Beckinsale.

He likes her…

She likes him…

This should be easy, right?

Well, getting that kiss can be awkward so Sandler decides he’s going to write these small notes to enhance the situation and make it even more exciting.

It’s refreshing…

It’s original…

It works.

The Biggest Mistake People Make With Letters

The mistake I see people making time and time again is that they write a letter to their ex with the intent of winning their ex back right there and then. I’m saying that, that is the dumbest thing you could possibly do.

A few days ago I updated my overall process for getting an ex back in this article,

This was the graphic I created for how the process should work.

If it’s confusing to you then make sure you read the article I linked to above.

People who write letters to their exes essentially make it, it’s own step.

That’s not how it should be done at all. Rather, it should be used to enhance the process.

It should be used to to propel you forward.

Writing a letter alone isn’t going to win your ex back.

However, it could help move things forward faster.

The only question remains is how.

Let’s answer that now.

How To Write A Letter To Your Ex

It’s important that we operate under the assumption that letters are emotion enhancers.

Basically they are just going to help propel your situation forward by enhancing what is already going on.

Why is that important to remember.

Because so many of the letters you see out there will literally start by detailing everything that went wrong, apologizing for the fact that it went wrong and trying to “talk things out” like adults.

This is a failing gambit in my opinion because all it does is kills momentum.

Let me show you instead how a letter should be written.

Let’s pretend that your ex has always mentioned that they have wanted to visit the grand canyon throughout your time together in the relationship. Let’s also say that since you’ve broken up you are right here in the process.

You’ve built up some good rapport and have even been on a few dates.

However, no matter how hard you try you can’t seem to propel things forward.

You can’t get them to open up or do anything romantic with you.

So, you decide to try your hand in a letter.

Now, before you write this letter we should perhaps talk about your overall goal.

The goal here is to do something romantic together.

Your ex has the dream of going to the grand canyon… you just happen to have some time off of work and can make the trip.

You are going to write a letter to ask your ex if they want to go to the grand canyon.

But how?

Well, lets take a page out of Adam Sandler’s book,

This is the perfect emotion enhancer.

The letter is used only to propel your situation forward by setting up the romantic getaway.

Also I want you to take note that this particular letter was used only because of how far the person was in the process.

If you recall, in this example our subject was in the “dating phase” and had already gone on a few dates.

You don’t start with a letter this bold unless work has already been done for the letter to make sense.

Sample Letters To Your Ex

Alrighty, let’s move on and talk about some sample letters.

Here’s the tricky part about this section.

What people really want is a plug and play template. Something they can simply copy and paste to use on their ex.

I’m here to tell you that with my way of doing this it doesn’t exist.


Because my way of doing things depends wholly on your situation.

So, in order for me to give you a “sample letter” I’d first need to know where you are in the process and a few of your exes likes and dislikes.

Since I can’t do that I’m forced to make up my own.

Lets say that you’ve been on a few dates with your ex but can’t seem to spark any kind of romantic interest from them.

You might be able to try writing them a letter like this,

Start Of The Sample Letter

I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately and just wanted to let you know how important of a person you are to me. 

End Of The Sample Letter

Do you see how short that was?

It’s almost comical.

However, that little letter has been getting results for my clients lately and I think a lot of it has to do with the timing of it.

You’ve heard the phrase,

There’s brilliance in brevity?

Essentially it’s the less is more approach.

I’m a big believer in that especially when it comes to letters.

The more long winded you are the worse your results tend to be.

Lets give one more sample before we end things.

In this example the ex is flirting but they aren’t really breaking new ground. You aren’t getting them to open up on the level you want them to.

Start Of The Sample Letter

I have some exciting news to share with you but I want to do something fun with it. I want you to call me at 10:00 PM tonight and I’ll tell you then. I want there to be suspense!

End Of Sample Letter

This one is all about curiosity.

It’s all about building up the anticipation and making them excited to talk to you.

Notice how each of these letters doesn’t try to win the ex back or do an extreme emotion dump. Instead, it’s simply used to advance your situation to the next level.

That’s why letters are perfect for enhancing your situation.

14 thoughts on “Sample Letter To Write To Your Ex To Get Them Back”

  1. Avatar


    April 10, 2019 at 9:37 pm

    Hi Chris

    I personally met this guy 19 years ago after been distance online friends for more than a year, we were together and for distance circumstances he broke up with me. we have a small talk couple years ago but, I always remembered him time to time. Since November I started with this feeling to contact him, I wrote several emails (only way to communicate with him) and deleted them every single time. Last week I was brave enough to email him and asking him how he is doing. He reply to me 4 days after telling me he was good, working and divorce. I emailed him back telling him I am separate and working as well. I want to write him a letter to keeping in touch with him.

  2. Avatar


    April 6, 2019 at 6:00 am

    Hey there!

    My partner of 6 years broke off our relationship 4 months ago. At the time he said it was just a temporary break because he was in a bad place mentally and wanted to work on himself then we can work on getting back together as he loves me more than anything and he wants to spend his life with me. Since then after I moved out he has told me that he wasn’t happy in our relationship and he doesn’t want to get back together. We are still in contact (though it is strained), I feel like he is always focussing on negative aspects of our relationship and even then the ‘negatives’ are totally exaggerated and blown up because he has been focussing on them so much. I’ve tried to encourage open discussions about the issues he was unhappy about and offered practical solutions. Every time we speak I remind him of all the good qualities we have as a couple, how much we love each other and our plans for the future as well as our past memories and he gets emotional and breaks off contact for a few days. He gets mad that I am positive about our future and is still adamant that we will not work as a couple, but I know that is not true. We are so good together and we were so happy, our break up was so out of the blue for me. I’m really struggling I need help. I wan’t to know how to approach him in a positive way, I am absolutely willing to work on the issues he is unhappy with and I am trying to be really caring and loving about it all but I am so lost and depressed. I truly love this man with all my heart and have planned my whole future around what we wanted together.

  3. Avatar


    April 3, 2019 at 1:23 am

    Hi chris,
    My boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago. He said he did not think we were a match. He was angry at me because I asked him a lot of times if he was cheating on me. I reay love and care about him. I wrote him a letter today don’t know if that was the smartest idea. But I just told him I wasn’t going to force him to forgive me right away but wanted to take things slow. We have been dating for three years and I just don’t want to loose him. Please help

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 4, 2019 at 3:18 am

      Sometimes just giving each other some space can help. Other times, one needs to employ a full form of No Contact. Go check out my resources on my Home Page as It discuss a lot of this.

  4. Avatar


    February 16, 2019 at 8:30 pm

    Hi Chris
    I’m still going through my NC at the moment, but was thinking of hand writing her a letter at the end of it.(in the mean time i’m doing activities to improve myself like gym and learning to play a instrument) From this post it has been 12 days from the break up. The reason for the break up was she said that she need some space and couldn’t be in a relationship right and need to think about her fertility (we had just found out that she only had 2 years left, also we just found out that she had a miscarriage on the same day she broke up with me) but i do think there was more to it but she never got around to saying it, to my knowledge the relationship was going well we were talking about mortgages and marriage the whole 9 yards. We were together for 9 months we pretty much spent everyday together (which looking back i now know wasn’t healthy and we lost are individuality) We had lost the ability to talk to each other. When i would try to talk to her about something serious she would cry and shut down on me and nothing would get resolved, so i stop trying and just bottled it up. i do still have feelings for her and tat this moment i do want her back

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 17, 2019 at 1:06 am

      Hi Rhys!

      I am not a big fan of the letter approach. If you pick up my Program you would see I advocate building thing slowly from the “text” up and even then their is a certain method I teach on how all that is done.

  5. Avatar


    January 13, 2019 at 9:32 pm

    Hey Chris, thank you for the article. I just want want your opinion please. It’s been 3 months since the breakup, i did nc, I didn’t begg or plead. We stayed in good terms and we talk from time to time. I want to write him a letter because even 3 months after the breakup there is a fire inside of me that i can’t get ride of. I don’t want to send the letter to apologise. He dumped me with no reason and started seeing other girls. I want to send the letter to take it off my chest, to express my pain and anger and to let him know that I will move on. With the letter I also want to send a small notebook where we used to write things and that is very meaninful, like a way of closing this door forever. Is it a good idea ?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 13, 2019 at 10:58 pm

      Hi Mery…your welcome. I think if it makes you feel better, write the letter. Read it out-loud to yourself a few times. That in itself is therapeutic. Then wait one week. If you still feel the same way, then mail it. What matters most is what you feel inside. You don’t need him to agree or concur with your thoughts.

  6. Avatar


    December 6, 2018 at 3:44 am

    Hi Chris!
    I wrote a letter to my ex but I worry it have mistake so I did not sent out it yet.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 6, 2018 at 11:39 pm

      Sometimes the writing of the letter turns out to be a great way of self recovery, unloading your feelings and getting them out.

  7. Avatar


    October 8, 2018 at 2:58 am

    Hi Chris,
    Recap: ex and I were casually dating, ex slept with someone else, I found out, got upset at him, he broke things off with me. Tried to be friends with him and play things casually, the best I got were a few lunches and when I eventually told him how I felt about getting back together, he rejected me. We tried getting lunches again and then when I tried to see if he wanted to grab drinks, he basically told me he didn’t see a place for us dating or as friends. It broke my heart, it’s been almost 3 weeks. I’ve dated other guys, but I can’t get him out of my mind.. there’s a part of me that strongly feels I want to send him a “letter” in text form I guess.. tell him how I feel and how I’ve always cared about him and like him the way he is. I’m just hurt and not sure how to go about this. Do I say how I feel for the last time because I’m not losing anything? Or do I wait longer and start over with an ice breaker and try and build rapport with him only to have lunches from time to time? I need help 🙁

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 8, 2018 at 4:59 am

      Thanks for the recap Tammy!

      I know it can be hard to shake off the pain and disappointment one has in their ex and their actions, particularly when cheating is involved. I think it would be good to write the letter, but not send it. It will be a cathartic experience in writing it. But probably not a good idea to send him a long text after what he has told you. Consider just giving him space, but do it for yourself so you can fully heal. Consider what I call the no contact principle and all its benefits. I wrote a 247 page eBook called “The No Contact Rule Book” the delves into all aspects of the principle and how it can work for you in many ways.

  8. Avatar


    October 5, 2018 at 8:23 am

    hi Chris,
    i hate the term ex- boyfriend so i will be referring to him as Roy. we were together for approx 5 years.
    i did the no contact for 30. but i had to make contact with him once or twice which was strictly regarding work. but other wise i think i was successful. i was uploading pictures of me having fun. changing a little bit of my appearance, going out, working out and showing off my transformation and people were noticing and also complementing me.
    he liked every picture i uploaded and viewed every story i uploaded.
    so after the no contact period ended we had to schedule meetings to discuss the project further. so i met Roy and the meeting was not really as i planned it to be. it was really hard for me to be all cheery on that particular day and then a guy i went on a date with kept calling during the meeting, who use to like me before i started dating Roy. so he was familiar with name flashing on my screen.
    after the meeting ended he walked me to the subway, he had to also go somewhere. but while walking towards the subway things got all weird he asked me about my date and where we went and how was it. to which i gave simple short answers. but then one thing let to another and i had an emotional breakdown. and i cried a little and then after reaching the subway, he was suppose to be on the opposite platform but i found him on my platform.
    he said he is really sorry, and he didnt want to hurt me. and everything. after the sobbing session was over he dropped me off to my home and we talked a little about our situation while traveling and waiting for the train and we ended our evening with a laugh.

    the next meeting was after a week now. so the meeting was suppose to happen at his place and we were discussing and working and during the evening he would make gestures to touch my cheeks or my knee. it was perfectly fine during this meeting and i was joking, happy and he could see that. i was not thinking about the fact that he is not in love with me anymore or anything.
    but while working we discovered a glitch and i freaked out. he held my hand and hugged me to calm me down and then all of a sudden we kissed and we hugged really nice and he told me that he missed this and he missed me.
    he told me that he has been stalking my profile and going through my friend’s profile and looking at my pictures with them.
    then i asked what is happening so he said he still has some feelings for me but is still confused. and he does not want to hurt me in the future even more.
    i asked him to figure out whatever he has been thinking because if we need to fix things we can only do it till the time we can. and then he said i will be hurt again if he cannot figure out what he wants exactly, so i told him that i am happy with him and i am happy without him. it is you who has to figure out what to do, i am right here if you need to talk or need some support, but if im done, im done for good.

    we have been talking on calls, playing online games and also met once and just watched a movie at my place and had food.
    i dont know how to make him fall in love with me again. how to make his uncertainty go away.
    his life is has been changing really drastically this year and things are not going as he had planned.
    i know that he is capable of having more feelings for me but i dont know what to do next.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 5, 2018 at 9:54 pm

      Hi Aron!

      Glad to hear the NC worked out pretty well, though obviously the meet up you had later with him got awkward. Your guy seems caught in between feelings. So you can rock along like this and hope for the best or try a different approach. You could try out no contact again for a few weeks. Perhaps this will jar him out of his uncertainty. It can also help you get some space to think about how much more you wish to invest in this. I have a book, “The No Contact Rule Book” that really dives into all angles of the NC principle, so consider that.

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