Did you just break up with someone, and now your feelings are all over the place, and you’re unsure of what to do?
Well, you’re in the right place because today I’m going to take you through how to deal with a breakup.
I actually got the idea for this post based on a comment that we had in our private Facebook support group.
The woman who left the comment was going through our program to get her ex back, and then she decided that she didn’t want him back anymore and was better off without him.
Her journey from really wanting her ex back to being over him was fascinating to me, and I wanted to learn more about how to advise people who are going through a breakup and aren’t exactly sure what they want next.
How To Deal With A Breakup
People are often unsure about whether they want to try to move on from the breakup or if they want to try to get their ex back, and I wanted to come up with an exact framework to help with that.
For the past three weeks, I’ve been interviewing success stories of people who got their exes back after going through our program.
I don’t really care if they followed by advice to a T or if they disagreed with something and took the liberty of changing things up. My interest was only to know exactly what their processes were to get their exes back so I can find a key mentality or strategy they’re using that I might be missing.
After interviewing so many success stories, I began to notice a key pattern developing.
All these women succeeded in developing a key mentality of gaining emotional control after their breakup.
The comment that spurred this discussion also referred to this idea of emotional control:
I think her journey is just as important as every success story, and I asked her about what exactly prompted the paradigm shift to get over her ex.
Here’s what she had to say
See how she says that the most critical thing for her was gaining emotional control after distancing herself from her ex during the no contact rule.
Interestingly enough, the same emotional control is cited by most of my success stories who did get their exes back.
Regardless of whether your “success” is getting your ex back or moving on, you need to master emotional control, so your world doesn’t revolve around your ex.
But how can we take this concept of emotional control and use it as a direct strategy if you don’t know what to do with your ex after your breakup?
Here are some tips that will help you get to a place of better emotional control when you’re reeling from your breakup:
Tip #1: Utilize The No Contact Rule
As a professional relationship consultant with years of experience, one of my most-talked-about strategies after a breakup is the no contact rule.
The no contact rule is a 21-45 day period where you purposefully ignore your ex, no matter the circumstances (unless it’s an emergency or special condition, of course). This includes both not reaching out to your ex and not responding when he reaches out to you.
Usually, when people hear about this strategy, they only think about how ignoring their ex will make him miss them.
Several psychological theories prove this idea of your ex missing you after the no contact rule as well.
One of the most important psychological concepts that support this idea is the theory of reactance.
The theory of reactance states that if you ignore or take away someone’s behavioral freedom, they’re going to react in a way to try to re-obtain that freedom.
By using the no contact rule, you take away your ex’s freedom of being able to talk to you, so it makes sense that they would try to have a conversation with you to get that freedom back.
While this is true, over the years, we’ve seen that a lot of exes are very stubborn and angry, so they might not reach out to re-establish contact with you. Well, then what’s the point of the no contact rule?
The larger reason why we recommend the no contact rule is because it acts as a reset button that allows you to use your time wisely… but what should you be using your time on?
If you were to ask me what the biggest difference is between our success stories and the people who don’t succeed, it would be this:
Successful people use their time during no contact to re-invent themselves.
I’m not saying they change their personalities, but they maximize their potential to become the best possible versions of themselves. Relationships usually end because of some negativity so the no contact rule gives you time to truly realize what your life could be without all the negativity from your past relationship…
Tip #2: Utilize The Holy Trinity During No Contact
No, I’m not talking about the biblical holy trinity… I’m not even entirely in love with the terminology, but I mentioned the holy trinity of life when I started my website, and it went viral within the community, so here we are.
The holy trinity of life talks about the three most important areas of your life – your health, wealth, and relationships.
Elements of the holy trinity have a symbiotic relationship, so you’ll notice that if your relationships take a negative hit, your health and wealth will follow.
But the opposite is true as well, so if you focus a lot on improving your health and wealth, your relationships will improve as well.
For example, you go through a devastating breakup, and you decide you’re going to eat your feelings away. You eat ice cream every day for seven days straight to make yourself feel better. Next thing you know, you’ve gained 10 pounds and all of a sudden, your health takes a negative hit.
When your health is impacted, you’ll feel more conscious about yourself at work, and it’ll affect your wealth as well. You might even experience headaches or intense feelings of loneliness that distract you from your work.
Your boss might take note of that too and yell at you for not performing how you used to. There goes the wealth aspect of your holy trinity too.
Don’t worry, though- the reverse is also true. If your relationships have taken a big hit because of your breakup, there is a way to rebuild that. The no contact rule is the perfect ground to make that happen because you have so much spare time that you can channel into improving your health and wealth.
All the time you spent with your ex can now be used at the gym or at work to hit all the goals you weren’t able to hit before. The time can also be invested in your other relationships.
Aside from your romantic relationship, the relationships category includes your friends, family, coworkers, and any other social relationship in your life. Your breakup might give you a chance to focus on all those other relationships and strengthen the relationship aspect of your holy trinity.
Speaking of relationships, a kind of relationship people jump into after breakups is a rebound relationship. Let’s see if they’re actually helpful…
Tip #3: Utilize Rebound Relationships The Right Way
A few years ago, I was trying to understand if getting into rebound relationships can actually help someone move on from their ex, and I stumbled across an article in Psychology Today.
Here’s what I found:
According to Psychology Today, focusing on someone new can help a person recover from a breakup according to limited research on the subject of rebound relationships.
For the longest time, this played out in my head, and I would tell my clients that going out on dates can help you get over your ex.
That was until I found research that creates a paradox.
This research is also from Psychology Today…
Recent research featured in Psychology Today shows that an unrewarding rebound relationship can actually lead people to feel more attached to their ex-partners rather than less.
This tells us that if you jump into a rebound relationship that doesn’t fulfill you, it’s going to make you long for your ex even more. So, both articles in the same source offer different ideas, and that’s kind of where I fall on this issue too…
I think you need to get down into the details and realize that having “fulfilling” rebound relationships is good, whereas if it’s not fulfilling, you won’t really get much out of it.
Here’s the thing though – usually when people are reeling from a breakup, they’re fantasizing about the good times they had with their ex. So, if they jump into a relationship, they’ll just compare their current partners to their ex. Thus, its really for a rebound relationship to be fulfilling if you’re still not over your ex.
On the other hand, all my success stories mentioned going on dates as opposed to having full-fledged rebound relationships before they got their exes back. Going on dates lets you create jealousy and fear of loss in your ex while allowing you to keep your options open.
So, my ultimate advice after a breakup is to go on a date and leave it at that.
That way, you get the best of both worlds without any of the commitment until you’re ready for it. I know it might seem counter-intuitive, but going on dates, without the fear of disappointment from an unfulfilling relationship, can give you a much-needed ego boost that helps you realize your worth.
Dealing with a breakup can be tough and confusing, especially when you don’t know exactly what you want, so here are three tips that you can use while you figure it out:
- Enact a no contact rule
- Enrich the holy trinity of your life during the no contact rule by focusing on your health, wealth, and other relationships
- Go out on dates but don’t get into a rebound relationship