Amanda is asking our question today and it’s a great one!

She wonders how she can transition from building attraction through texting and phone calls to building attraction on a date.

Put simply, she wants her ex boyfriend to ask her out on a date.

Lets find out how she can accomplish that,

I must admit that I really enjoyed this question because I think I have a lot of unique insight to bring to the table.

Here’s a quick recap of Amanda’s situation,

  • Broke up after being together for 2.5 years
  • They have been messaging back and forth for two months
  • He seems responsive as he has been joking around and flirting with her
  • Broke up with a new girlfriend (she’s not as good as Amanda)
  • Wants to go out on a date with him

What Is Talked About In This Episode?

  • The comparisons men make with a new girlfriend
  • Setting the bar theory
  • The 4 top factors that men look at in women before they ask them out on a date
  • The importance of hitting on all of these factors
  • Should you ask for a date from your ex?
  • Low risk, medium risk and high risk dates
  • Moving your ex up the ladder

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Important Links Mentioned In This Episode

Important Pictures Mentioned In This Episode 😉

This is me getting into the hot air balloon,

getting in the balloon

This is a shot of my wife’s ring from the hot air balloon,

shot from the balloon

This is us in the balloon,

Us in the balloon

Oh ya, and we landed in someones backyard. It was awesome it felt like the whole town came out to watch us pack the balloon up. All the kids you see in the background were having a birthday party at a nearby house. It probably made their day to see a hot air balloon land so close,

bakyard landing

The Best Way To Get A Date With Your Ex

get a date
STEP 1: Understand The Four Factors

In this episode I discussed four factors that men look at to say yes to a date. It is important that you understand them. In case you don’t remember here is a quick recap of what those four factors are,

  1. He has to have feelings for you
  2. He has to think you are exciting (hot air balloon exciting 😉 .)
  3. He has to think you are good looking
  4. He has to see a future with you

STEP 2: Hit On The Four Factors

Now that you understand the four factors you need to hit on them or make your ex boyfriend think that you have these four factors in spades. I give a few recommendations on how you can do this if you listen to the episode.

STEP 3: Last Resort/Risk Factors

(Use this only as a last resort.)

In the case that your ex boyfriend doesn’t ask you out on a date you may have to go on the offensive and ask him out on a date.

Below, I have identified the risk factors relating to dates,

Low Risk- A group hangout

Medium Risk- Coffee date

High Risk- One on One date

What you want to do is move your ex boyfriend up the ladder by starting off with a very easy proposition (a low risk date.) Eventually you slowly move him up to the medium risk date and finally it culminates in you asking him on a high risk date.

Podcast Transcript

Welcome to Episode 25 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I’m really excited to have you here today. Yes, we are up to Episode 25 and I’m so happy to announce that this podcast is doing well. I’m going to keep churning these episodes out. I’ve gotten a lot of good feedback from you.

A lot of people say that they’ve made listening to this podcast part of their daily routine, which is mind blowing to me, considering where I started from. I’m going to do my very best to keep this content relevant and keep it interesting, not just for people trying to get their exes back, but people who want to understand the mind of a man.

Today’s question specifically focuses on a situation in which a woman is trying to get her ex-boyfriend to ask her out on a date. It seems like she’s doing pretty well. She’s doing everything that I’ve recommended so far. She’s building up attraction. It seems like things are going well but she hasn’t gotten him to take that extra push to ask her out on a date. I’m also going to answer the question on whether or not a woman should ask a guy out on a date.

Let’s hear from Amanda:

“Hi, Chris. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about five months ago after being together for two and a half years. For the past two months, we’ve been messaging back and forth. He’ll joke around and flirt with me. He even broke up with the girl that he’s been seeing because she doesn’t live up to the standard that I set. Those are his words, not mine.

I haven’t seen him since the breakup. I feel like we’re close enough again to go out on a date and see each other. But he hasn’t asked me to do anything. How can I move forward from this back-and-forth messaging to an in-person meetup? Thanks.”

Thank you for asking your question, Amanda. I really appreciate it. Your question couldn’t have come at a better time. I don’t know if a lot of you know this, but in addition to my website Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, I’ve also created another website called Ex-Girlfriend Recovery.

It’s essentially the same type of website but it’s geared towards men and teaching men how to get their ex-girlfriends back. I’ve had plenty of success stories there as well. I have two sides of the same coin. I personally like working on that website because it’s a challenge for me. I feel I have a lot more insight into men.

When it comes to women, I don’t feel as strong. I get to work my brain a little bit and learn more about relationships in general. That helps me teach everyone overall. It’s a good thing.

I’m saying that your question couldn’t come at a better time because, right now, I’m writing an article for the men specifically about your question. I’m already in the mindset of teaching people how to get on a date with their exes.

Amanda, looking at your situation, I want to applaud you. It seems like you’re doing a really fantastic job of building attraction with your ex and creating sustainable rapport. It seems like he hasn’t gone out of his way to ask you out on a date.

I’m going to be answering a lot of questions for you today, Amanda. The one you’re wondering in the back of your mind is, in a perfect world, he would be the one asking you out on a date. But we don’t live in a perfect world. Our world is imperfect. Should you go out of your way to ask him out on a date? I’ll answer that a little bit later.

The first thing I want to tackle here is something that you said. It really struck me. You said that he broke up with his girlfriend because she didn’t live up to the standard that he set. I guess this isn’t so much for you, Amanda. You understand this on a logical level. This is more for the people out there listening whose exes have moved on to a new girlfriend.

I’m always talking on Ex-Boyfriend Recovery about how, eventually, a comparison is going to happen. If your ex-boyfriend moves on to a new girl, he’s going to compare the new girl to you based on the bar you set.

Let’s say that he were to grade your relationship on a scale of 1 to 10, and he graded your relationship at an 8. You’re an 8 out of 10, which is a really good score. If he graded your relationship as an 8 out of 10 and he’s moved on to this new girl, and this new girl only scores a 6, men are always looking for the bigger and better deal. The new girl is not the bigger and better deal. She’s a worse deal.

It seems like that’s what happened in your case, Amanda. He compared the new girl to you and you set the bar so high that she couldn’t even compare. That’s something to pat yourself on the back about. It gives you a distinct advantage over every girl he will ever date. Any girl he dates will have to beat that standard that you set for him to want to have a long-lasting relationship with them. It seems like he hasn’t been able to find that.

It looks like he’s coming back to the well, so to speak, and trying to feel out his feelings for you. But he doesn’t seem to have the guts to ask you out on a date yet. What I’m going to talk to you about today, Amanda, is what you can do to increase your chances of getting him to ask you out on a date. I’m going to be to the point and strict about this.

The first thing you have to understand about men who ask women on dates are the factors that they look at to cause them to ask a woman out on a date. I have identified four top factors. There are probably hundreds of little factors here and there that men look at. I can’t obviously fit 100 factors into an episode of this podcast. I picked out the top four factors that men look at on a date.

Number one is that he has to have feelings for you. The spark has to be there. There has to be some sort of chemistry. This is extremely important, and not just for women. I know that women are always talking about the spark and chemistry. There has to be feelings there. Men need to have that too or else it will become stale. The good news for you, Amanda, is the fact that there is a spark already. He wouldn’t have dated you without a spark. I think, in your case, it’s more of a re-ignition of the spark. You have to restart the fire. You can do that a bunch of different ways. I’ll talk a little bit about that with my next factor.

Number two is that he wants someone exciting. Don’t go on a boring date with him. If you do go on a boring date, nothing is going to stand out. You’re just going to be the boring date that he went on. Excitement does a lot of things to humans. Excitement creates feelings.

Here is a good example of this. When I met my wife for the first time, we talked and tried to get to know each other. She shared her dreams and I shared my dreams. We each shared our feelings, wants and needs. It went back and forth. We were in the getting to know each other stage. Something she said always stuck out in my mind.

She said, “I’ve always had a dream to go on a hot air balloon.” That always stuck out in my mind. I always thought back to that. I remember, even before I was officially dating her, I thought, “I’m going to be the one to take her on a hot air balloon.” She had never been on one before with anyone.

I knew if I could take her on this hot air balloon ride that it would be an advantage I would have over anyone that she could ever be with in the future. Obviously, I didn’t want to think about her being with anyone else in the future, but it was my way of striving towards giving her something super romantic.

I wanted to create a relationship that would potentially last a lifetime. I’m happy to announce that, when I did propose to her months down the road, I gave her that hot air balloon ride. If you’re interested, I’ll post a few pictures in the show notes of this episode of the hot air balloon ride.

The point I’m trying to make is that the hot air balloon ride was super exciting. It was an exciting thing. It worked to create more feelings. It worked to strengthen the feelings that she had towards me and I had towards her. I had never been on a hot air balloon ride. I have to say, it was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. It’s something that my wife and I will always share together that no one else will be able to have. That’s important.

The factors that men look at when they’re thinking about going on a date with a woman are that they need to have feelings for that woman. At the same time, they need to look at the woman as exciting. Exciting, but not too exciting. When I think of a girl who is too exciting, I think of a party girl.

A hardcore party girl would make me a little uneasy inside. I read a lot of breakup situations. I can’t tell you how many cheating situations I’ve read that start out like this: “Well, I was really drunk. I was at a party and I kissed a guy.” I’m always a little bit nervous about that. You want to be exciting but you don’t want to be too exciting.

Men are very visual creatures. They will base their decision of who to go out on a date with based on looks. Every man is this way. There is that popular phrase, don’t judge a book by its cover. That is so true, but when it comes to dating, men always judge a book by its cover.

I have this phrase that I like to say. Looks get you in the door but personality keeps you there. Looks get a man in the door but personality is what keeps him there. That’s important. Looks are how you are judged when he goes out on a date with you.

Amanda, this one probably doesn’t apply to you as much. He’s already been on tons of dates with you. He probably finds you really attractive. If you really want to work towards improving your looks, become really health conscious. For your own inner confidence, go to the gym more. Work to get in the best shape of your life. Look as hot as you possibly can. Dress provocatively but not too provocatively. You want to be looked at as sophisticated but sexy on your date with him.

There are plenty of different ways that you can look sophisticated but sexy, even if you’re not on a date with him. Maybe on your Facebook profile. You get tons of other guys commenting on how good you look and that creates some jealousy within him. He’ll want to take you on a date. There are tons of different ways you can do that. Looks do matter for men when they want to take you out on a date. They do matter for ex-boyfriends who already know what you look like. You can still put it out there using social media.

The final biggest factor is about men who are really serious about relationships. I’m assuming that your boyfriend is. They want a future with a woman. I know you might think that it’s women who want a future more with men. Men want a future, too. Human beings are addicted to relationships.

There is a reason why marriage is looked at as the epitome of a relationship. It’s because we like the security that it provides us. Men want that, too. Men almost want to have someone to provide for. Personally, I would have never thought it would happen this way. When I got married and I had someone to provide for, not only was it an incredible feeling, but at the same time it gave me a purpose. It gave me something to strive for.

It made me work harder. It made me better. Men want that. Deep down, they all want it. Sometimes it takes a little bit longer for a man to realize it. There are always exceptions to the rule. Some men don’t ever want it. I don’t think that’s the case with your ex-boyfriend from everything that you’ve said about him, Amanda.

When you’re looking at the factors that men consider to go on a date, he needs to have feelings for you. You have to be excited. You have to be good looking. He has to see a future with you. A man who doesn’t see a future with you isn’t going to bother.

How do you get your ex-boyfriend to ask you out on a date? You have to do things that hit on all of these four main factors. You need to make him think you’re exciting. You need to look as hot as possible. You need to rebuild attraction and rapport with him.

I would recommend my book, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro, for tips on how to do all of these things. You want to show him you have a future. You want to restart his feelings for you and look as hot as you possibly can. Be exciting. Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro is really good for that kind of stuff.

What you need to do after you understand the factors is to hit on a lot of these factors, Amanda. Subtly hit on them without being too obvious about it. In a perfect world, then he will ask you out on a date. That works about 60% to 70% of the time. If you can really hit on all four of these factors for your ex–the future, the feelings, the looks and excitement–he will ask you out on a date.

Let’s assume a worst-case scenario that you do everything to a T perfectly. You show him that he has a future with you. You show him that you still have feelings for him, but more importantly, that he still has feelings for you. You show him that you are as hot as any girl out there. He’s not going to find a girl better looking than you. You show him that you are the most exciting girl he could possibly get. You do all of this but he still doesn’t ask you out on a date.

Should you ask him out on a date? A lot of women are scared to ask a guy on a date because men are supposed to be the hunters and women are supposed to be the gatherers. Men are supposed to hunt the women. Women are supposed to gather the men. That’s just the way it’s supposed to be. But sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. Sometimes, as a last-case scenario, if you really care about your boyfriend and think you have a really good shot of winning him back, you have to go on the offensive. You have to do it. You have to extend your hand forward and say, “Let’s go out for a cup of coffee.”

I personally don’t think it’s a big deal as far as who asks who out on a date. Let’s say that you’re the one who asks your ex-boyfriend out on a date and things go perfectly. He asks you to be his girlfriend again. A year later, he proposes to you. Fifteen years down the road in your marriage, you’re not going to sit there and think, “Who asked who out on a date first?” No. It doesn’t matter at that point. That’s what we’re trying to strive for here. We’re trying to strive for the happy ending for you.

In the end, some women need to lose their pride and be the one to ask their ex out on a date in a last-case scenario. You can’t control your ex-boyfriend. You can’t control if he asks you out on a date or not. But you can influence him. You can influence that decision to make it easier for him so he’ll want to ask you out on a date. If it doesn’t happen, don’t be afraid to ask him out on a date.

What I’d like to do for you now, Amanda, is give you three points when it comes to asking a man out on a date. There are three ways that you can ask a man out on a date initially. There is a low-risk way, a medium-risk way and a high-risk way. I’m going to go through each of these. Then I’ll give you my recommendation on what I think you should do.

The low-risk way is anytime you ask him out on a date among a group. For example, you call your ex-boyfriend up and say, “Hey, my friends are going out for laser tag.” There are four or five people and both men and women. You call him and say, “Would you like to join me?” That’s a low-risk type of date. He doesn’t feel like it’s a date, but it kind of is. It’s like a group hangout. It’s a low-risk way. There is a highly probable chance that he’ll say yes.

Then we have the medium-risk way. This is a date that’s in the middle of the day, like a coffee date. You say, “Hey, let’s meet up for a cup of coffee.” You can do it on his lunch break if he’s working. That would be a medium risk date.

Then you have the high-risk date. These are the type of dates that are one-on-one, at night, in a romantic setting. Those are considered dates. He understands that it’s a date. You understand that it’s a date. It’s a date. That’s high risk because, sometimes men need to be primed a little bit more before they’re ready to say yes to a high-risk date.

Here’s my recommendation. You need to move his value up the chain. Start off with a low-risk date. Ask him for a group hangout. Show him the time of his life in this group hangout. Make sure it’s exciting. After this low-risk proposition, you move up to the medium risk.

A few days later, you ask him out for a coffee date. You’ve moved from low risk. You’ve primed him from the low-risk date and shown him that you can have a good time with him. Then you move up to the coffee date. You try to make this as hands off and as friendly as possible. Just be down to earth. Don’t try to make any sudden moves or make out. Keep it light. Keep it interesting.

Then once you’ve hit the coffee date, let’s move up the rung again and go with the high-risk date, a one-on-one romantic date. That is the perfect way to ask a guy out on a date. It’s the perfect way to move him up the value chain. Show your worth with a low-risk date. Then show your worth even more with a medium-risk date. Then show your worth with a high-risk date. You almost have to earn that one-on-one high-risk date that you used to get so easily when the two of you were dating.

Men need to be primed that way. You need to make it look natural and slow. You need to slowly move him up the ladder. Those are my top recommendations on how to ask your ex-boyfriend out on a date or how to get your ex-boyfriend to go out on a date with you. I hope this was educational for you.

I had a lot of fun recording this episode. I was already in the frame of mind to talk about this episode because I had already written half of it for my other website. If you liked what you heard, please keep coming back. Please visit the show notes. I’ll attach a lot of interesting pictures from my exciting date with my wife on a hot air balloon. If you haven’t already, please hop on over to iTunes and leave me an honest review. I would greatly appreciate that.

If you have a question and would like to have it featured and answered on the podcast, please hop over to the Contact page at Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. You can find that at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/contact. Again, the show notes of this episode are located at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode25.

I really had a great time teaching you today. Please feel free to comment on the show notes and ask me anything you want. I’ll try to get back to you within 48 hours. You will get an answer if you ask a question on this podcast episode. I will see you later. I hope you have a great day.

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83 thoughts on “EBR 025: How To Get A Date With Your Ex Boyfriend”

  1. Avatar

    Manda

    February 27, 2020 at 12:45 pm

    Hi, my ex broke up with me because he says he doesnt feel the spark anymore. Did no contact and sent the letter and how trying to build rapport through texting. When is the right time to ask my ex to meet for coffee?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 27, 2020 at 10:58 pm

      Hi Manda, so we do not suggest sending a letter to your ex so soon in the process if at all! You needed to complete a no contact, and then reach out through text and spend some time texting before moving on to the next stage, being phone calls. You do not ask your ex to meet for some time. Read the articles and the information again and get yourself understanding the process and how you should be progressing

  2. Avatar

    Jess

    October 17, 2017 at 3:38 am

    Hi! My ex broke up with me on mid august and I did 30 days of no contact right after he broke up with me. I started contact after 31 days and we have been texting for 3 weeks. I asked him if we could meet sometime but he said he doesn’t think is a good idea to see each other so I said it was ok. I don’t now if I should have tried to convince him or give him space but I don’t know if I still have a chance. What should I do? Thanks!

    1. Avatar

      Jess

      October 19, 2017 at 3:40 am

      I guess that was my mistake, probably a didn’t built enough rapport for him to be more interested in me, even though I’ve improved a lot and been doing great in my life. But I thought it was a good time to ask because his responses were positive (thought I was building enough rapport) but at the same time I feel he was (is) pulling away. So that’s why I was thinking I should slow down and be more patient but he is taking longer to reply while the time passes so I’m a bit worried by that.

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 22, 2017 at 7:00 pm

      yes, because three weeks is a short time..

    3. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 17, 2017 at 8:42 pm

      Hi Jess,

      In three weeks, how much rapport have you built?

  3. Avatar

    Sara

    July 24, 2017 at 1:41 am

    Hi amor,
    I asked him to go for a coffee this week and he said he is too busy, I was fine with that but I don’t know what I should do now… :/

    1. Avatar

      Sara

      September 7, 2017 at 8:57 pm

      When should I send a friend request?

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 7, 2017 at 9:42 pm

      once you’ve already built rapport.

    3. Avatar

      Sara

      September 1, 2017 at 1:07 am

      Hi, amor
      Well, I unblocked him on facebook, instagram and whatsapp. Should I sent him a friend request too? or make my profile public or something?
      I’m also nervous about the first text message, because well, I had some ideas and I use some of them when I tried to build rapport, so now I’m not really sure about what I could text him about and I truly don’t know what he will think, I don’t want him to feel bothered or chased. Are you sure It won’t be weird? he literally told me he didn’t wanna know about anything I had to say…Sorry I ask too much, but you are pretty much like my bestfriend in this haha, all my friends and even my mom think I shouldn’t talk him again, so I’m kind of scare.

    4. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 3, 2017 at 7:07 pm

      That’s ok 🙂 Don’t send a friend request yet but make your account or post public. Check this one for your first text:
      How To Properly Start A Conversation With Your Ex After No Contact

    5. Avatar

      Sara

      August 30, 2017 at 2:47 pm

      Amor, I found out that maybe he erased my number or blocked me. I keep doing nc and I haven’t unblock him yet…Should I worry?

    6. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 31, 2017 at 7:13 pm

      Nope..worrying doesn’t help anything.. You can unblock him but continue nc

    7. Avatar

      Sara

      August 21, 2017 at 3:28 am

      Can I wish him a happy birthday as my first text message after nc? Maybe it wouldn’t be that weird…and I wouldn’t have to break nc, it is after the 45 days

    8. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 22, 2017 at 9:27 pm

    9. Avatar

      Sara

      August 16, 2017 at 2:42 pm

      Well, I don’t know, maybe, he used to tell I was different, I think that could make me interesting…and I’m working on being better, going to the gym and that kind of things…But what if he really meant he doesn’t want to talk with me again?

    10. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 17, 2017 at 3:25 pm

      Then take it as he doesn’t want to anymore..so that you act to make him interested instead if hoping he still has feelings and acting frustrated and chasing

    11. Avatar

      Sara

      August 15, 2017 at 8:44 pm

      Do you think he miss me? or maybe think about me? I’m so scared of thinking he just wil forget me

    12. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 16, 2017 at 1:28 pm

      It’s human nature that you will cross his mind from time to time, the more important things is are you currently interesting?

    13. Avatar

      Sara

      August 10, 2017 at 12:02 am

      Thank you, I just have one more question…wehen we were together we asked some charms by internet and they arrived some days ago (yeah, free shipping) I have been thinking about leaving his one in his door…what do you think?

    14. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 10, 2017 at 4:46 pm

      nope.. that’s conveying you’re still around, still hoping..

    15. Avatar

      Sara

      August 4, 2017 at 10:17 pm

      Right, thank you.
      Can I ask your personal opinion? I have read almost every post on the page, but I know you help so many people so you probably know what works in every case. We (my ex and me) know each other since six years ago, but we just started dating last year when we started college (we are in different college). We are both 19 years old. His parents doesn’t like me (they said I’m too ugly and shy, and he had better options) and their friends are the typic guys trying to have sex with every girl(not all of them, some of them have girlfriends and are loyal). When we started dating he said he liked my support, and that I was sexy, intelligent and femenine. I’m not really sure but I think he got bored because we had no much time together(he was too busy) and when we met we just had sex. But I always was so romantic with him by text. He was so romantic too at the first 3 months (we were together 6 months) and then he stopped. When we broke up I begged a lot and I even tried to kiss him. He said he had no time, and he was not romantic, then he said he got tired and didn’t like relationships(actually he told me that before we date) and finally he told me he was with someone else (but he told a common friend it wasn’t true, he said it was to make things easier for me…but as I said before, he told me he is with someone now, so i don’t know what to believe about it). We broke up in may, I begged for maybe two weeks, we didn’t talk until july, and well, you know what’s next. I know many things of him that I really like but I know some defects too, but i really think that things could work. What I don’t know is if he will let me win his heart again, if after everything I actually have choices. I would do anything to get him back, but I don’t wanna get hurt. What do you think? Could it actually work? And would you give me any personal advice for my case (if you think it could work, like, what to avoid or what to try, I read the posts but it’s not the same)?
      Ps: wouldn’t it be weird to sent him one of the first text message after nc now that I already said goodbye?

    16. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 6, 2017 at 6:59 pm

      It wouldn’t really be weird if you truly convey through your posts that you have moved on….have you read this ones:

      Does Begging For Your Ex Back Even Work?

      My Ex Boyfriend Got Bored With The Relationship

      Stage 5 Clinger – Getting A Boyfriend Back If You Were Too Clingy

      And you have low self esteem.. Dont put your worth in someone else’s hands.. Your situation is actually common with young people.. Because young women haven’t really learned how to value themselves or put themselves first before a guy. Be an ungettable girl.

    17. Avatar

      Sara

      August 2, 2017 at 4:45 am

      And what should I do after no contact? unblock him and text him or maybe call him and tell him “I don’t want a relationship”? or should I unblock him now?…What would be the best choice?

    18. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 4, 2017 at 5:23 pm

      Nope..follow the advice below on how to initiate contact. You can unblock him after nc.
      How To Properly Start A Conversation With Your Ex After No Contact

    19. Avatar

      Sara

      July 31, 2017 at 9:49 pm

      The thing is that he said he doesn’t want to tall with me again, and I just sent a message saying goodbye and wishing him the best and then block him. I know I shouldn’t have block him but I didn’t wanna see his post in any place. And also I think that, just as he knew I wanted a coffee to get him back, maybe in a future he will wait that too, idk.
      I love him so much and I’m really so sad, I almost slept tonight I want him back but I don’t wanna bother him either. Please tell me what to do. I know I made a mistake, but I don’t wanna give up Anyways I know I don’t have mane chances now as I did before. I feel so dumb

    20. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 1, 2017 at 4:44 pm

      Restart and do one last nc,do at least 45 days

    21. Avatar

      Sara

      July 31, 2017 at 9:19 pm

      Just one time

    22. Avatar

      Sara

      July 29, 2017 at 5:13 am

      Hi, Amor.
      Well, I fucked everything up, I told him I wanted him back and he told me he was with someone (we broke up two months ago, idk if it’s a rebound). He said that’s why he didn’t want to go for a coffee with me (without I mentioned it), he said he doesn’t want anything to do with me, that he just answered for our friendship but if I didn’t wanted to be his friend I’ll have to go. So, well, Is there anything left to try? I mean, I know I just made a terrible mistake and right now I don’t know what can I do, is it too late?

    23. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 31, 2017 at 6:17 am

      how many times have you done nc?

    24. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 25, 2017 at 5:40 pm

      that means you just have to brush that off like it didn’t affect you and to continue building rapport.

  4. Avatar

    Kelly

    February 7, 2017 at 1:04 pm

    Hey Amor, it’s me again. Just wanted to update you & see if you had any more advice (cos, I’m just addicted to your advice now hehe cos it’s so good!). I was finding it difficult to build attraction / develop rapport through online messages. However, I did try! Got quick, neutral responses but they were quite blunt / not much effort on his part. So, rather than wait for him to ask me out again for a 2nd date (it felt unlikely he would & it had been over a week) I thought I’d make the move again and be specific – I said “Do you fancy going out for a drink again this week?”. Anyway, he agreed & so we went on the date (he actually suggested the next day, so there was no time to lose!), which went better than I could’ve imagined!! 😀 I felt ultra-confident (I’d dyed & cut my hair so it looked nice & different and am up to loads of exciting things at the moment, so I felt great!) and he actually seemed a bit nervous around me on some occasions (he stumbled over his words a few times & was blushing) as if he fancied me! This didn’t happen on our first meet-up. Eye contact was paramount, throughout the whole evening. He was really looking into my eyes quite intently. Lots of physical contact – like, when we first sat down, he insisted on sitting on the sofa (which was quite small!) next to me (even though I said it’s ok if he wants to sit on the other chair) and our knees were touching… but neither of us moved them! He also put his hand on my knee a few times. He complimented me on several occasions and on a few occasions I caught him looking at me, like kind of gazing at me, whilst I was doing something (i.e. when I was putting my lip balm on). He also contently giggled / seemed smug when I did something a bit clumsy or silly, as if he thought it was kind of cute (he used to do this when we first started dating, but hasn’t done this in ages!!). I did drink a bit too much – but it was kind of his fault as he massively over ordered on the wine… and he extended the date by eating dinner (I’d already eaten, but he got something to eat; so I had to sit and drink wine!). I was keeping everything extremely fun, friendly, energetic and casual. I was being really bubbly & upbeat. He then started up some very deep conversations stemming from things he’d been up to. He started talking about wedding venues (he’d recently been to a gorgeous wedding), childbirth and the man’s role in childbirth (right down to tiny details of how a baby is born and how men worry about what to do during childbirth!). It was quite random, but I went along with it and we just chatted about all this stuff. The date lasted 4.5 hours. I then had to get my taxi so he walked me to my taxi. At this point, unfortunately I have to admit that I was quite drunk (I know it’s not good; I’m not proud of this!) and I didn’t want to go. We hugged for a long time and then I kissed him – to which he continued to kiss me. It was amazing! 😀 He did mention however that he’s only physically attracted to me (but I find this hard to believe as we get on so well!), which is what he’s said before (he believes we don’t have enough in common and that I’m not ‘right’ enough for us to be in a relationship… I disagree!). The next day I felt embarrassed for being drunk and I apologized to him and told him how embarrassed I was, but that it was a cool evening and we should do it again sometime. He replied with quite a long message (very different to the short blunt ones earlier on) saying that he didn’t regret kissing me at all and that it was partly his fault (i.e. he prevented me from getting into my taxi). He said I am lovely and very sexy and that ‘yes, we’ll have to do it again’. I replied a few hours later, keeping things light-hearted and fun. I also said, ‘yay! So when are you next free?’. He hasn’t replied yet. I’m just wondering if you’ve come across this behavior in a guy before…. He seems to be head-over-heels with me when we’re together, but when we’re apart he doesn’t chase me. But things are SO good when we’re together; he often tells me how he doesn’t want me to go! But then when I’m gone, it’s like he switches into another mode and convinces himself that he doesn’t want me. I think he has a set of values that convince him that I am not ultimately right for him in the long run; and this is why we can’t get any further. I kind of want to know what it is; should I just ask him, when we next meet, what it is exactly that he thinks makes me ‘not right’. I don’t want to put any pressure on him, but I think he could be wrong about me, whatever it is! I think he is genuinely *really* into me but is convincing himself he isn’t!

    1. Avatar

      Kelly

      February 19, 2017 at 7:08 pm

      Hi Amor,

      Haven’t yet managed to nail a third date with him. Although I haven’t asked him since I asked him the day after the 2nd date, after he said ‘yes, let’s do that again’ (I asked him when he’s next free… and he didn’t reply to that). Anyway I initiated another convo and we continued to build rapport. It feels like things are still progressing, despite no 3rd date. He initiated a convo with me last week… he has not done this for, what must be, well, 6 months at least! 🙂 So that felt awesome! We also actually got chatting the day before yesterday… even though I initiated the beginning of that one – it extended into the late evening & all day yesterday too 🙂 I have never had such quick responses from him, not even when I was originally properly dating him! He was even at a family gathering and replying to me every half hour… the *whole* day!!! At the end of the day, he asked what I was up to tonight… I think he may have wondered if I fancied meeting up; but I was genuinely knackered (had been doing uni work all day!) so I just told him I was going to stick on a film & chill, to then which he said he’ll do the same. I’m worried I might have blown it (!!); but then again, I don’t want to look like I’d just drop everything in an instant for him. He was still messaging me late into the evening yesterday… all fast responses; and when it got to about 11pm I said I need to go to bed now… he didn’t seem to want me to go! The problem is… our messaging has got a bit… sexual! We are both being intensely flirty and he has on some occasions sent me some very explicit stuff!! However it’s kind of just a bit of fun and I feel like we’re being cheeky / like naughty school children or something!! He says he thinks I like him talking to me like that (I couldn’t really disagree!). Things were very hot yesterday but then sometimes we’ll just chat about general stuff and have a laugh and joke about general things in life. I think he can sense when I feel he’s being too flirty and so he just let’s me lead the convo into something different. Like yesterday, I changed the subject by telling him my cat was sat on me… and sent him a photo of my cat. He then sent me a picture of his cat, who was sat on him 🙂 Anyway, my question for you now… is how much should we be flirting like this?! I mean, I know he says he is physically attracted to me… and he certainly must be, from what he’s said! But I don’t want him to see me as some sort of tart. Are there any *absolute* no no’s when it comes to flirting with him over social media messages?! I haven’t heard from him today but I think I’m going to play it cool and let him initiate now… as we sent a *lot* of messages to each other yesterday!! xx

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 20, 2017 at 11:10 pm

      that’s ok to be flirty and cheeky, just avoid totally having phone or text sex..

    3. Avatar

      Kelly

      February 8, 2017 at 9:23 am

      Hi Amor, thanks for getting back to me so quickly!
      Ok – great advice, thank you. If I do ask him what it is that is not ‘right enough / not right / don’t have in common’ about me, I’ll try and do it in a super chill way. I’m worried that even touching on this might get him worried, putting pressure on him again to define our relationship, which could cause him to back away. So I’ll make it clear that I am not saying I want to be in a relationship; just that it would be cool to carry on meeting up every now and again (i.e. the romantic dates); but just that it would be nice to know (just as friends or for future dating of other people maybe; you never know, I could be doing something that would put anyone off entering a relationship with me, in which case, I’d want to work on it!). I did message him yesterday sharing an inside joke, to which he replied and continued the joke, but it was quite a blunt short reply from him actually. Anyway I’ll just leave it now, prob for 1.5 weeks max, as Valentine’s day is coming up and I don’t want him to think I’m suggesting we go out on Valentine’s night (perhaps too soon for that!). Thanks again 🙂

    4. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 8, 2017 at 4:20 pm

      you’re welcome.. it would be better to ask when the ice has broken, you’re already in the high peak part of the date, when both of you are laughing, and then just casually ask it..like, “you know you never told me how were so different, enlighten me yoda!”
      kinda like that

    5. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 7, 2017 at 10:22 pm

      Hi Kelly,

      that’s a very good date..I agree that you should ask next time but in the mean time, one ask is enough about the next date..so, that you wont seem pushy.. max is a week before asking again

  5. Avatar

    Kelly

    January 12, 2017 at 4:25 pm

    Just to add to the previous comment I left… He like a couple of my posts on Facebook since our meet-up. I’m not sure if this means anything significantly, but my friend thought that this was positive, as shows he’s thinking about me!

    Kelly

    1. Avatar

      Kelly

      January 27, 2017 at 4:18 pm

      Hey Amor, I initiated a convo… it was actually asking him something I forgot to ask him during our meet up! He said a while ago that his goal for the New Year was to move to a new city. He didn’t mention this when we met, so I asked him if he was still planning to. He replied fairly quickly saying that yes, this is still the plan, but that it’s a slow process. He also congratulated me on my new job offer (which I’d posted about on Facebook) and asked whereabouts it was & said that I deserve it so much. I then replied after a day saying that it’s a beautiful city (where he wants to move to) and thank you; but left it vague regarding the whereabouts of my new job, just saying its local – and that I want to soon travel (so the job will help me to save for this). I was hoping that this would leave him a bit curious and also it shows that I’m doing new exciting stuff 🙂 Anyway, he since hasn’t replied. It’s only been a couple of days. I feel like my attempts to start a conversation are failing me a bit… it’s more like quick questions & answers that we’re sending each other and it doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere. Maybe it came across a bit cold-hearted where I just said ‘local’. Or maybe there just isn’t anything else to say, so that’s why he hasn’t yet 🙂 lol!! Anyway, he’s still liking a fair few of my Facebook posts – nearly every other one, since my reply. This seems positive 🙂 I’m worried that I may be making myself too available for him, and that this could be off-putting. Maybe I should leave it for a couple of weeks now. I’m just worried that this is all happening too slow. We met up once and I kind of wanted to follow this with a second meet up. Do you think there is a time-frame between first and second meet up in which I should try to stick to (i.e. ask him if he wants to meet again soon) or is there no rush (i.e. should I continue to be super chilled out and continue to post about all the great things I’m doing on Facebook, without sending him anymore messages, or at least for a couple of weeks)? x

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 28, 2017 at 8:19 am

      I think he just dont want to seem nosy..just rest for 2-3 days and then initiate with a different topic

    3. Avatar

      Kelly

      January 21, 2017 at 7:11 pm

      Thanks for your advice Amor! Things seem to be going well 🙂 Before I actually had a chance to re-initiate a text like you mentioned, he replied. He said sorry for being so slow to reply, and that it was so nice to see me. He mentioned that it is fantastic how well I am doing and that it would be good to meet up before too long (I was so over the moon to hear this! 😀 yay). I waited a few days and then shot him a reply – just a really casual one saying yeah sure, let me know when! Maybe we could grab some food sometime and that I hope he’s having a good week. No reply yet but it’s only been 5 days and there’s really no rush. I like the way this is going 🙂 I feel really relaxed and happy in myself. And he’s been liking my Facebook posts this week after my message, which is really cool and cute. Thanks again for your support 🙂

    4. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 23, 2017 at 9:20 am

      you’re welcome..but.. after agreeing to the meet up, it’s not actually something he has to reply to..so it’s just normal that he’s not replying to that yet..initiate a conversation ..

    5. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 13, 2017 at 2:17 pm

      Hi Kelly,

      initiate a text again maybe after 3-5 days, but use a topic that he likes or one of the topics that you talked about in the meet up

  6. Avatar

    Kelly

    January 12, 2017 at 4:11 pm

    Hey! I’m from the UK – *LOVE* your site!

    To cut a long story short, I managed to meet up with the guy. It went better than I could’ve imagined. But now he seems distant again and I don’t know what to do! Here’s the essential background info…

    My situation is a little different because the guy I’m talking about isn’t an ex-boyfriend, but is a guy I was seeing / dating for 6 months. Basically, after 6 months of dating, I felt like we were very close and I wanted to make our relationship official. He couldn’t commit, saying that he didn’t think our relationship was going anywhere, and that we didn’t have enough in common. I was very shocked to hear this, as I thought things were going really well. He was very apologetic and lovely, and said he still wanted to keep seeing me (have me go round his so he could cook me dinner, go out on dates and still sleep with me!). I wanted a relationship and I felt a bit insulted by this, so I walked away, in the hope that this would make him come back to me and want an official relationship.

    We maintained contact via. Facebook messenger (we have always used this to communicate when we weren’t together) and, if I’m honest, it became me that was usually the one to initiate contact (although he often kept the convo going). We went through a phase (about 2 months) of sending each other HUGE long romantic messages about what we both liked about each other and from him, how he was so sorry that it didn’t work out and how beautiful I am and should never forget this, how I deserve so much more, how he will never forget me until he dies, how we’re glad we both met each other, etc etc. The last time I had seen him and I told him I had to walk away, we had had a very passionate night and so I think this made it even more difficult for us to let go (hence the beginning of the very romantic messages!). The messages were so lovely and thoughtful, when I showed my friends them – they thought we were actually both in love with each other!

    Anyway, this romantic messaging eventually phased out and whilst every now and again, we would check we were both ok, but it took him a lot longer to respond. I stopped initiating contact and backed off… and he then asked me if I wanted to meet up for a coffee catch-up (this was about 4 months after I decided to stop seeing him). When I agreed, he took a very long time to reply and the date we’d set had already gone. This drove me wild as I felt very strung along and I sent him a very angry message voicing all my frustrations and ideas about how he’d “used me, this whole time; even when we were seeing each other – and that he clearly only wanted me for sex”. It wasn’t a very nice message at all, but I did really feel like he was stringing me along all this time and not being very considerate at all. After sending the angry message, I deleted him on Facebook!

    A month later, I still think about and miss him despite the fact that the rest of my life is great (I am doing really well in my career, been ‘dating myself’ etc). He was just such a loving, genuine guy and we shared many of the same deep values and had a great connection. He also made me feel a million dollars! I decided to reach out to him on messenger and we exchanged nice light-hearted friendly messages; I then re-added him on Facebook and he accepted right away. I then asked him if he wanted to catch-up over a coffee, just as friends (I wanted this to mimic the ‘small date’ as outlined on this site, although felt I should say “just as friends” to him, as I wasn’t sure he’d accept if it could’ve sounded like a date. I knew he didn’t want to lead me on and he knows how angry I got before when I accused him of stringing me along!). He accepted the invite immediately. As I mentioned at the start, the date went better than I could’ve imagined. He was a real gentleman and seemed to make a huge effort. He bought me a glass of wine and did most of the talking – whereas before I usually did most of the talking (I thought it was about time I shut up and I really just wanted to be there for him and listen to him!). We didn’t talk about anything in the past and only positive but interesting and meaningful things. He has changed a huge amount; went on holiday by himself, which he never would’ve had the confidence to do before and seems really happy and the best version of himself I’ve ever seen! He gave me loads of compliments and he talked a lot about his family and values about upbringing / life in general! We agreed on all of this. It really seemed like he had almost read the info on this site and had prepared what to talk about. I tried to keep the meet-up short, by saying I had to meet my friend, but he extended it, by insisting on walking me to my car (where we carried on our really nice chatting). So in the end, the meet-up lasted 2.25hrs! It really felt like the perfect first date; we were both putting our best foot forward and it was lovely. At the end, he hugged me tight. Although it felt a bit of a sudden ending and it was a bit awkward; I think he didn’t know what to do! Since, I haven’t heard from him. He always used to message me straight after meeting. I then reached out 2 days later on messenger, just saying how well he looks and how lovely it was to meet him. I left it really open; I didn’t want to put any pressure on him. 2 days later, he still hasn’t replied. I’m keeping ultra cool and relaxed; there really is no rush for him to say anything back. But I was just wondering if you had any further advice for me, given my situation? Like, is there anything I should do now, or just leave things as they are for a while?

    Sorry this is long! Any help appreciated 🙂

  7. Avatar

    Keira

    January 5, 2017 at 11:52 am

    My long distance ex and I have been back in contact for 2 months after I did 50 days no contact.

    I’m having a problem in that we message back and forth every day (with the odd exception), often for hours, we have a lot of fun banter between us, he has told me he cares about me and thinks we have a sexual spark, he has gotten protective over me when other people werent treating me well, and we have skyped…. and despite all this, if I try to ask him to meet, he is VERY resistant.

    He currently has holidays from work and seems to be doing nothing in particular when we talk and have lots of free time, and regularly mentions hanging out with his friends, yet he still won’t see me. He says there was too much damage between us in the past to fix things and keeps repeatedly saying he “doesn’t trust me to change”. He keeps saying he thinks I will get really clingy and crazy if we meet because I’ve done so in the past. Any pushing to meet just reinforces this idea in him. He is really really affected by my past behaviour and admits he has a huge grudge against me. I am really frustrated because we are talking more than we have in years yet it’s not turning into a real life meeting. I’m finding it really hard not to get needy on him.

    I can’t ask him on a low risk date with friends because he lives a 2 hour flight away and I have no friends in his area, I’d have to come see him. How do I get past this huge resistance? Is there an excuse to see him that I can use?

    The other problem is that we were initially super flirty with each other but one night I was drunk and overreacted to a comment he made about not wanting a relationship with me while we were flirting… and he has since majorly backed off and said I can’t handle being sexual with him without getting upset that we aren’t together so he won’t flirt with me anymore. I feel like the flirting was bonding us and it feels really unnatural and awkward not to do it anymore and i feel like ive been dumped a second time… how can I get the flirtation back?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 7, 2017 at 4:48 am

      HI Keira,

      Yeah, you’re like friendzoned. Don’t ask for a meet up anymore. You’re just confirming that you’re clingy if you still ask him after he said that. You should be distant by now, and spend more time with your friends. Set a time until when you would observe if he would meet you. If he will not do it, move on.

  8. Avatar

    mallishka

    September 10, 2016 at 3:50 am

    Hi chris, i m 22 and my ex is 17. After no contact rule my ex came at my home and we had a passionate kiss. I have a doubt if he has true feelings or just wants sex

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 12, 2016 at 6:57 am

      Hi Mallishka,

      Take it slow.. Observe his actions every time he messages you or visits. Don’t jump into conclusions

  9. Avatar

    Tina

    December 6, 2015 at 8:31 pm

    Hi Chris,
    Love your post. A date on the hot air balloon is brilliant! My situation is a bit different from this post but I would love your input for it. My ex and I recently broke up, he said he still wants us to stay friends because he still wants to be in my life….and then he said he’s done with the relationship completely, that the romantic aspect is gone…After the break up we still saw and talked to each other often. I asked if can we just get back to talking/seeing each other while still give each other space and we would have less demands from each other and he’s ok with that….will this still work or not since it is completely the opposite of the no contact rule lol. Thank you

    1. Avatar

      Tina

      December 11, 2015 at 6:01 am

      Yeah I guess space and time is always good for two broken people….he told me that he doesn’t want me to completely turn my back on him (as i was doing the NC rule for couple of days) he said it wouldn’t be fair cause he was there for me through a lot of things…I feel bad he really wants me to be there for him as a friend right now and I do too because I hurt him during our relationship..seeing how unhappy he is makes me wanna put my feelings aside and just be there for him..of course I want us back down the road and I know being a friend to him right now can potentially put me in friend zone forever….I just can’t Ignore him rn knowing that I was responsible for a lot of things that hurt him…do u think staying contact and being his friend right now is a bad move. Thank you Chris.

    2. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 7, 2015 at 3:51 pm

      Ya… its one hell of a date.

      I hesitate to say that not doing the no contact rule will yield results. In most cases it doesn’t.

  10. Avatar

    Kait

    November 10, 2015 at 3:58 pm

    Hi Chris, I know you get thousands of messages like this, but I really need some advice. I think I’ve completely blown my chances of ever getting my ex back, even if I do follow your guides/advice. Basically we’ve been on and off for over a year now and we argue a lot, he never apologises after arguments and will just ignore me for the rest of the day or even for a day+ where as I’ll apologise most of the time regardless and I hate being ignored, especially by him, and then when he does speak to me he just acts normal again or sometimes he’ll say things like ‘going to be a normal gf or still an angry troll’ I admit when we argue at times I can say some really horrible and unforgivable things, but so has he. He’s said many times over the past months that he doesn’t love me and hasn’t wanted to be with me for months now. It’s mostly him who breaks up with me, I’ve only ever broken up with him I’ve but I didn’t mean it. He’s also said that he’s only taken me back because I made him or wouldn’t leave him alone. Now last week we had a huge fight on Sunday and things got so bad and again he said were over and that he doesn’t love me anymore and that once I leave his house I won’t be setting foot in there ever again. Things got broken and he got angry and pushed me but I replaced the broken things and got them sent to his house. He text me 3 days after the break up saying he got the items but he can’t accept them knowing how he feels about us and that he sees no future for us and doesn’t see us ever working. I tried to do no contact but failed on day 3 🙁 and text him back saying ‘Hey, I was just thinking about the first time we went to the cinema together to see Jurassic World, it was so good. I am glad we did that.’ But because he didn’t reply I turned into a text gnat and then said ‘could we talk please? I don’t like how things were left.’ He replied ‘I enjoyed the good times we had too but things aren’t the same and we argue too much, please send me your address so i can return the items as it doesn’t feel right’ I responded ‘I don’t want to lose you, so will you please work with me to make our relationship work again, I know I don’t deserve it but I care for you deeply and I love you..I want you to keep the them, I’m sorry.’ And again he didn’t respond so I text him again saying ‘Please just talk with me, even if you hate me, please hear me out.’ He responded saying ‘it’s over I sorry, there’s nothing else I can say’ I continued to keep begging him to take me back and him not replying and when he I asked him if he loved me he said no sorry and he also said he won’t be contacting me anymore and i really dont want to upset you more and talking is doing that, you are more than welcome to let me send the items back, other than that good bye. I continued to bombard him with messages and calls, he replied no my minds made up..I continued to message and call him the next day too but no reply. It’s not been almost 3 days I haven’t heard from him and I’m absolutely terrified of losing him. I didn’t text him today so this is the first day I haven’t contacted him for..I want to try the no contact but I always end up caving in. Do you think the Nc rule will get him to speak to me or even give us a chance of ever getting back together? I did the NC rule once before and it got him back and about two weeks later he said he missed me, but do you think it’ll work a second time? Please help, I really don’t know what to do! We live 2 hours apart, so there’s no chance I’ll randomly bump into him :(.

  11. Avatar

    Tamy

    October 29, 2015 at 10:17 pm

    Hey chris. I have a question what if you dont have any friends. That means theres no group hangout. What other low risk dates do you recomend if you dont have friends to hang oug with together?

  12. Avatar

    marias

    October 19, 2015 at 10:19 pm

    Hi Chris, I broke up with my ex like a month and 2weeks ago. He did stupid things like stole my car and came back 6 in the morning and messaged his ex and flirting with a colleague and then lastly, lied about where he was and got back at 3 in the morning. We were dating for about 6 months. And even when he did all of these bad things he really was amazing in every aspect, he was my dream guy. I never experienced love like this. That’s why I got so angry if he disappointed me so much and I guess I left a bad aftertaste in that aspect. He moved in and after 2 months he moved out. I know things happened reall quick. I tried to convince him I’m sorry for chasing him out of my house after the last incident cause I couldn’t control my anger and it was a bit unnecessary to act that way, for about a week and a half. Then I had a nervous breakdown and ended in hospital, which he wasn’t aware of. So I told him to pay half of the rent about3 weeks after we broke up cause I was angry how he really just left and didn’t care about coming back. Then when he didn’t pay half of the rent I decided to not talk to him again. So my no contact rule started 3weeks after we broke up. Its been 25 days that I haven’t contacted him at all and he hasn’t tried to contact me once. In that week and a half that I tried to say I’m sorry he kept saying that its not working. What should I do after 30 days? My heart was never this broken before. And this was my 4th serious relationship, the other relationships was 2years plus and it wasn’t even so hard for me to forget. But I still miss him, I miss all the good things I had with him that no one else could ever make me feel. His sister messaged me the other day. And asked me how I’m doing so I said I’m doing great.so I don’t know if he mabe misses me or not. I mean he did like me and I know he has not and will never be able to get the type of girl that I am again. Its getting better but its the first time in my life that I don’t even want to touch or speak to another guy after a break up. What should I do if 30 days has gone by? Should I wait a bit longer?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 22, 2015 at 9:37 pm

      I think you can reach out and contact him at this point BUT don’t do that until you have a good first text planned.

  13. Avatar

    Allie

    June 14, 2015 at 4:23 pm

    Hi Chris,

    my ex is so stubborn. I asked him to get lunch the other week and he agreed. We met up, I followed all of the rules, and we had a great time. I could tell that he missed me. I waited a day, then started out with a text to gauge his interest. He replied, we texted back and forth, and he said that I seemed happy and that it was nice to see me. I asked him to get coffee and he replied, “I don’t think I can do that today.” No mention of a backup date or anything. I’m crushed. I thought the date went so well! What should I do?

    Needing your help.

  14. Avatar

    Lauren

    May 16, 2015 at 4:39 am

    I read it, we haven’t had contact in 2 days. I called him last night and he didn’t answer, I did what you said and did not leave a message or send any texts. Should I send a text tomorrow or wait altogether until he contacts me? I know he’s talking to someone else so I’m just not sure where to go from here. I’m in that phase where it’s like do I reach out so he doesn’t just give up, since we already had our first date since we parted ways. Thanks!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 19, 2015 at 5:54 pm

      So, you have only been in NC for 2 days?

  15. Avatar

    Lauren

    May 14, 2015 at 10:49 pm

    What’s the title of it? Thanks!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 19, 2015 at 5:27 pm

      Sorry I lost context.

      What was I talking about.

      My previous comment isn’t attached to this one.

  16. Avatar

    Lauren

    May 12, 2015 at 4:09 am

    Hi Chris,
    Love your work!

    So long story short, I was seriously dating this guy for about 5-6 months, when he all of a sudden decided to get back together with an ex-girlfriend of his. I treated him too well without him committing to me, I did everything wrong while we were dating, I text too much, bought him stuff, told him I loved him, the works. So when he was trying to tell me that he couldn’t date me any more I pretty much became totally unavailable and super distant which is unlike anything I had done before and he actually started chasing me to talk to me. So we never had a conversation in person about ending things, but we had a phone chat and an all out text war, I got really desperate and poured out my feelings because at that point, I felt like I had nothing to lose and I wanted him to know that I really care about him. He told me everything was done and refused to see me, only to text me 2 days later that he was close to where I lived trying to see me again.

    So I responded and acted like no big deal, but he didn’t really try to follow through and neither did he. So I left it and started no contact like you said.

    He then contacted me first so I didn’t have to. I followed your instructions and he started chasing me to see me. I did everything right and he finally asked me out on a date. We went and had a good time, shared a passionate kiss to end the evening.

    I still followed the texting instructions after the date, but when I would skip a day of texting to make him miss me, he would get mad and send a text that said “hope you had a great day at work” and then didn’t really respond the next day to punish me for not texting more, even though I was initiating most of the contact. I started calling him instead of texting to show more interest and he seemed to like it said he was amazed.

    It’s only been 2 weeks since our date and I get a text from him saying that I confuse him and I leave and disappear and then come back, and he can’t wait around forever to figure out what I want and that he thinks I’m dating other guys and that he started talking to someone else.

    So I told him my intentions were to be with him and only him and asked him if he felt the same, he said that he did until I started getting lost and disappearing (how he refers to when I don’t text first). I reminded him we just had our first date since everything happened and I want to continue to see him.

    He didn’t respond and so I left it for the night and then sent him a nonthreatening friendly good morning text and he still hasn’t responded, that was today.

    Where do I go from here? I should wait until he contacts me right? Do you think he will? We’ve had romantic history for over a year. I appreciate it I just don’t know what to do and what will work. I love him so much, he truly is the love of my life and I want him back for good. Thanks so much!!!

    1. Avatar

      Lauren

      May 14, 2015 at 1:22 pm

      Thanks Chris you were right he did only 24 hours later lol. However he repeated himself and didn’t answer my last text and then reappeared last night in a text. He’s clearly doing this on purpose.

      How do I handle this? I wasn’t bitchy about it our anything because I wouldn’t want to start a text fight. I was friendly and went with the flow of the convo. So he didn’t reply to my last text again should I just wait?

      I want to see him again and ask him to go out should I leave it or ask him out? I know he’s talking to one other girl I just acted like it’s no big deal like I didn’t care too much. However, I don’t want him to think I’m not interested after he said that I don’t come through and he can’t wait around forever the other day in a text. He’s VERY difficult but I love him.

      We had our first date since everything happened about 2.5 weeks ago, I don’t want too much time to pass. Thanks for the advice!!! I want him back for good 🙂

      Lauren

    2. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 14, 2015 at 3:57 pm

      Did you read my article on commitment. The newest one?

    3. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 12, 2015 at 1:15 pm

      Yes, wait until he contacts you.

      Remember, the goal here is to not be too available for him.

  17. Avatar

    Sarah

    April 20, 2015 at 11:06 am

    Hi,
    I am new to your website, and I never thought I would seek something like this before but I am in a situation where I am not sure what is the correct thing to do. I broke up with my boyfriend nearly two months ago after two years together. We had been arguing a little towards the end as he was just not appreciating me or our relationship. He is younger than me by 3 years which isn’t an issue and although we want the same things currently he does need to grown up and figure out something’s for himself as he seems lost; and as much as I love him I cannot mother him as I need him to be there for me just as much as I am for him. It all came to heads when we discussed / argued the reasons why I was unhappy and eventually I asked him to leave my house. I didn’t talk to him for weeks as I was so angry with him for how he made me feel, anyway we eventually met up after 6 weeks with him saying he misses me and he knows he needs to grow up and figure our his priorities. When we met he was telling me all these things saying how in the last 6 weeks he feels like he has grown up and all these steps / things he is trying to do, such as focusing on work instead of partying / socialising all the time and as much as I want to believe him I am still not sure and I know I will only find that out in time.

    I just don’t know if I am doing the right thing and I am just going to get hurt / disappointed?

  18. Avatar

    allie

    April 11, 2015 at 4:37 am

    Chris! I love the new website design! This looks so awesome!!! Also, kinda obsessed with you and your wife-yall are the cutest and I remember reading your soulmate guide about her and crying my eyes out!

    But anyways, I just have a quick question on getting a date with my ex. A little background if youre interested… we’ve been broken up a year and a half now, since then we’ve remained kind of on again off again just friends (havent kissed or anything for over a year). I’ve tried different tactics on your site before and have seen good results but ended up not following through all the way, trying to move too fast, etc etc. Things were going well a little over a month ago and we were starting to hang out more and I thought it was going awesome.. then he told me his roomie told him he’d thought it’d be cool to go out with me and so I asked my ex if that would bother him if I did that and he said it wouldn’t. We didn’t get in a fight about it per say but it kind of caused some weird unhappy tension that threw off the good vibe we had going just a few days before that. So I decided it’d be best to start a full 30 day no contact-which I havent ever done before, and this ‘event’ was the closest thing to a break up type thing for the past year and a half so I figured it would be good to start it! I am on day 25 now and he hasn’t talked to me during the whole time except for a couple times at the very beginning (before he even knew I was no contact-ing him :)) which I, of course, ignored. I also ignored his birthday which was about day 12 of the no contact. But anyways, I just wanted to prepare for when the time comes that we start talking again and he mentions hanging out (which he will), I was just wondering what your opinion would be on how much I should settle for or whatever with it.

    So should I settle for just a ‘hang out’ with my ex or wait until he sets up an actual date? What I mean by that is there’s been quite a few times when he’s asked what I was up to and then invited me over to hang out that night (but not in a booty call way or anything like that at all). What has usually happened in the past is we just hang out and talk and watch a movie or tv. Probably our last ‘real’ date (like we werent just at his house and he paid for my food type thing) – was like a year ago. So when we start talking again, should I say yes and see him that same night he asks to do something or do you think it would be better to wait until he asks me on an actual date or at least a hang out that’s planned ahead further than just that night?

    Thanks!! Sorry, that was so super long! My main question is just about the hang out/date thing in the second paragraph, 🙂 I just wasnt sure if youd be curious about my oh so fascinating ex background or not

  19. Avatar

    cynthia

    March 31, 2015 at 12:37 am

    chris, first let me start off by saying that Gosh your wife is gorgeous 🙂 you hit the jackpot 🙂 your story is so inspiring to me because you two did the long distance and you won. so congrats 🙂 second, thankyou for answering all of my previous questions. so my bf and i of 2 years broke up about a month ago, i did the no contact rule, but now its over in a week and i’m too scared to make a move, i’m so afraid of being rejected, he broke off the relationship with me because i was to jealous and needy. Ive read every article on here, ive been working on becoming the ungettable girl, and making my social media seem like im happy without him. he liked one of my photos on instagram the other day, then a few days later i liked a photo of a drawing hed been working on since before we broke up. He still has his photos up on instagram and so do i. He also messaged me during no contact to “remind me” to get rid of some concert tickets i had bought for him valentines day, of course i kept it civil, not too personal, i kept my distance, almost as if he was a stranger asking for directions. Now i’m too scared to make a move, isn’t this what i wanted? I don’t know how to contact him, even though i Already read the articles about contacting him. Thanks for answering this, even though its really long.

    -Desperate girl trying to get her man back

  20. Avatar

    Sel

    March 30, 2015 at 3:06 am

    I’m planning where I’ll ask my ex for a date at the end of my NC. I was thinking McDonalds because it was the place where we had our first date and I thought it would jog some good memories into his mind if we met up there. Do you think that’s a good idea?

    1. admin

      admin

      March 31, 2015 at 10:13 pm

      Haha hey if it works for you guys go for it.

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