Amanda is asking our question today and it’s a great one!
She wonders how she can transition from building attraction through texting and phone calls to building attraction on a date.
Put simply, she wants her ex boyfriend to ask her out on a date.
Lets find out how she can accomplish that,
I must admit that I really enjoyed this question because I think I have a lot of unique insight to bring to the table.
Here’s a quick recap of Amanda’s situation,
- Broke up after being together for 2.5 years
- They have been messaging back and forth for two months
- He seems responsive as he has been joking around and flirting with her
- Broke up with a new girlfriend (she’s not as good as Amanda)
- Wants to go out on a date with him
What Is Talked About In This Episode?
- The comparisons men make with a new girlfriend
- Setting the bar theory
- The 4 top factors that men look at in women before they ask them out on a date
- The importance of hitting on all of these factors
- Should you ask for a date from your ex?
- Low risk, medium risk and high risk dates
- Moving your ex up the ladder
Important Links Mentioned In This Episode
Important Pictures Mentioned In This Episode 😉
This is me getting into the hot air balloon,
This is a shot of my wife’s ring from the hot air balloon,
This is us in the balloon,
Oh ya, and we landed in someones backyard. It was awesome it felt like the whole town came out to watch us pack the balloon up. All the kids you see in the background were having a birthday party at a nearby house. It probably made their day to see a hot air balloon land so close,
The Best Way To Get A Date With Your Ex
In this episode I discussed four factors that men look at to say yes to a date. It is important that you understand them. In case you don’t remember here is a quick recap of what those four factors are,
- He has to have feelings for you
- He has to think you are exciting (hot air balloon exciting 😉 .)
- He has to think you are good looking
- He has to see a future with you
STEP 2: Hit On The Four Factors
Now that you understand the four factors you need to hit on them or make your ex boyfriend think that you have these four factors in spades. I give a few recommendations on how you can do this if you listen to the episode.
STEP 3: Last Resort/Risk Factors
(Use this only as a last resort.)
In the case that your ex boyfriend doesn’t ask you out on a date you may have to go on the offensive and ask him out on a date.
Below, I have identified the risk factors relating to dates,
Low Risk- A group hangout
Medium Risk- Coffee date
High Risk- One on One date
What you want to do is move your ex boyfriend up the ladder by starting off with a very easy proposition (a low risk date.) Eventually you slowly move him up to the medium risk date and finally it culminates in you asking him on a high risk date.
Welcome to Episode 25 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I’m really excited to have you here today. Yes, we are up to Episode 25 and I’m so happy to announce that this podcast is doing well. I’m going to keep churning these episodes out. I’ve gotten a lot of good feedback from you.
A lot of people say that they’ve made listening to this podcast part of their daily routine, which is mind blowing to me, considering where I started from. I’m going to do my very best to keep this content relevant and keep it interesting, not just for people trying to get their exes back, but people who want to understand the mind of a man.
Today’s question specifically focuses on a situation in which a woman is trying to get her ex-boyfriend to ask her out on a date. It seems like she’s doing pretty well. She’s doing everything that I’ve recommended so far. She’s building up attraction. It seems like things are going well but she hasn’t gotten him to take that extra push to ask her out on a date. I’m also going to answer the question on whether or not a woman should ask a guy out on a date.
Let’s hear from Amanda:
“Hi, Chris. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about five months ago after being together for two and a half years. For the past two months, we’ve been messaging back and forth. He’ll joke around and flirt with me. He even broke up with the girl that he’s been seeing because she doesn’t live up to the standard that I set. Those are his words, not mine.
I haven’t seen him since the breakup. I feel like we’re close enough again to go out on a date and see each other. But he hasn’t asked me to do anything. How can I move forward from this back-and-forth messaging to an in-person meetup? Thanks.”
Thank you for asking your question, Amanda. I really appreciate it. Your question couldn’t have come at a better time. I don’t know if a lot of you know this, but in addition to my website Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, I’ve also created another website called Ex-Girlfriend Recovery.
It’s essentially the same type of website but it’s geared towards men and teaching men how to get their ex-girlfriends back. I’ve had plenty of success stories there as well. I have two sides of the same coin. I personally like working on that website because it’s a challenge for me. I feel I have a lot more insight into men.
When it comes to women, I don’t feel as strong. I get to work my brain a little bit and learn more about relationships in general. That helps me teach everyone overall. It’s a good thing.
I’m saying that your question couldn’t come at a better time because, right now, I’m writing an article for the men specifically about your question. I’m already in the mindset of teaching people how to get on a date with their exes.
Amanda, looking at your situation, I want to applaud you. It seems like you’re doing a really fantastic job of building attraction with your ex and creating sustainable rapport. It seems like he hasn’t gone out of his way to ask you out on a date.
I’m going to be answering a lot of questions for you today, Amanda. The one you’re wondering in the back of your mind is, in a perfect world, he would be the one asking you out on a date. But we don’t live in a perfect world. Our world is imperfect. Should you go out of your way to ask him out on a date? I’ll answer that a little bit later.
The first thing I want to tackle here is something that you said. It really struck me. You said that he broke up with his girlfriend because she didn’t live up to the standard that he set. I guess this isn’t so much for you, Amanda. You understand this on a logical level. This is more for the people out there listening whose exes have moved on to a new girlfriend.
I’m always talking on Ex-Boyfriend Recovery about how, eventually, a comparison is going to happen. If your ex-boyfriend moves on to a new girl, he’s going to compare the new girl to you based on the bar you set.
Let’s say that he were to grade your relationship on a scale of 1 to 10, and he graded your relationship at an 8. You’re an 8 out of 10, which is a really good score. If he graded your relationship as an 8 out of 10 and he’s moved on to this new girl, and this new girl only scores a 6, men are always looking for the bigger and better deal. The new girl is not the bigger and better deal. She’s a worse deal.
It seems like that’s what happened in your case, Amanda. He compared the new girl to you and you set the bar so high that she couldn’t even compare. That’s something to pat yourself on the back about. It gives you a distinct advantage over every girl he will ever date. Any girl he dates will have to beat that standard that you set for him to want to have a long-lasting relationship with them. It seems like he hasn’t been able to find that.
It looks like he’s coming back to the well, so to speak, and trying to feel out his feelings for you. But he doesn’t seem to have the guts to ask you out on a date yet. What I’m going to talk to you about today, Amanda, is what you can do to increase your chances of getting him to ask you out on a date. I’m going to be to the point and strict about this.
The first thing you have to understand about men who ask women on dates are the factors that they look at to cause them to ask a woman out on a date. I have identified four top factors. There are probably hundreds of little factors here and there that men look at. I can’t obviously fit 100 factors into an episode of this podcast. I picked out the top four factors that men look at on a date.
Number one is that he has to have feelings for you. The spark has to be there. There has to be some sort of chemistry. This is extremely important, and not just for women. I know that women are always talking about the spark and chemistry. There has to be feelings there. Men need to have that too or else it will become stale. The good news for you, Amanda, is the fact that there is a spark already. He wouldn’t have dated you without a spark. I think, in your case, it’s more of a re-ignition of the spark. You have to restart the fire. You can do that a bunch of different ways. I’ll talk a little bit about that with my next factor.
Number two is that he wants someone exciting. Don’t go on a boring date with him. If you do go on a boring date, nothing is going to stand out. You’re just going to be the boring date that he went on. Excitement does a lot of things to humans. Excitement creates feelings.
Here is a good example of this. When I met my wife for the first time, we talked and tried to get to know each other. She shared her dreams and I shared my dreams. We each shared our feelings, wants and needs. It went back and forth. We were in the getting to know each other stage. Something she said always stuck out in my mind.
She said, “I’ve always had a dream to go on a hot air balloon.” That always stuck out in my mind. I always thought back to that. I remember, even before I was officially dating her, I thought, “I’m going to be the one to take her on a hot air balloon.” She had never been on one before with anyone.
I knew if I could take her on this hot air balloon ride that it would be an advantage I would have over anyone that she could ever be with in the future. Obviously, I didn’t want to think about her being with anyone else in the future, but it was my way of striving towards giving her something super romantic.
I wanted to create a relationship that would potentially last a lifetime. I’m happy to announce that, when I did propose to her months down the road, I gave her that hot air balloon ride. If you’re interested, I’ll post a few pictures in the show notes of this episode of the hot air balloon ride.
The point I’m trying to make is that the hot air balloon ride was super exciting. It was an exciting thing. It worked to create more feelings. It worked to strengthen the feelings that she had towards me and I had towards her. I had never been on a hot air balloon ride. I have to say, it was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. It’s something that my wife and I will always share together that no one else will be able to have. That’s important.
The factors that men look at when they’re thinking about going on a date with a woman are that they need to have feelings for that woman. At the same time, they need to look at the woman as exciting. Exciting, but not too exciting. When I think of a girl who is too exciting, I think of a party girl.
A hardcore party girl would make me a little uneasy inside. I read a lot of breakup situations. I can’t tell you how many cheating situations I’ve read that start out like this: “Well, I was really drunk. I was at a party and I kissed a guy.” I’m always a little bit nervous about that. You want to be exciting but you don’t want to be too exciting.
Men are very visual creatures. They will base their decision of who to go out on a date with based on looks. Every man is this way. There is that popular phrase, don’t judge a book by its cover. That is so true, but when it comes to dating, men always judge a book by its cover.
I have this phrase that I like to say. Looks get you in the door but personality keeps you there. Looks get a man in the door but personality is what keeps him there. That’s important. Looks are how you are judged when he goes out on a date with you.
Amanda, this one probably doesn’t apply to you as much. He’s already been on tons of dates with you. He probably finds you really attractive. If you really want to work towards improving your looks, become really health conscious. For your own inner confidence, go to the gym more. Work to get in the best shape of your life. Look as hot as you possibly can. Dress provocatively but not too provocatively. You want to be looked at as sophisticated but sexy on your date with him.
There are plenty of different ways that you can look sophisticated but sexy, even if you’re not on a date with him. Maybe on your Facebook profile. You get tons of other guys commenting on how good you look and that creates some jealousy within him. He’ll want to take you on a date. There are tons of different ways you can do that. Looks do matter for men when they want to take you out on a date. They do matter for ex-boyfriends who already know what you look like. You can still put it out there using social media.
The final biggest factor is about men who are really serious about relationships. I’m assuming that your boyfriend is. They want a future with a woman. I know you might think that it’s women who want a future more with men. Men want a future, too. Human beings are addicted to relationships.
There is a reason why marriage is looked at as the epitome of a relationship. It’s because we like the security that it provides us. Men want that, too. Men almost want to have someone to provide for. Personally, I would have never thought it would happen this way. When I got married and I had someone to provide for, not only was it an incredible feeling, but at the same time it gave me a purpose. It gave me something to strive for.
It made me work harder. It made me better. Men want that. Deep down, they all want it. Sometimes it takes a little bit longer for a man to realize it. There are always exceptions to the rule. Some men don’t ever want it. I don’t think that’s the case with your ex-boyfriend from everything that you’ve said about him, Amanda.
When you’re looking at the factors that men consider to go on a date, he needs to have feelings for you. You have to be excited. You have to be good looking. He has to see a future with you. A man who doesn’t see a future with you isn’t going to bother.
How do you get your ex-boyfriend to ask you out on a date? You have to do things that hit on all of these four main factors. You need to make him think you’re exciting. You need to look as hot as possible. You need to rebuild attraction and rapport with him.
I would recommend my book, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro, for tips on how to do all of these things. You want to show him you have a future. You want to restart his feelings for you and look as hot as you possibly can. Be exciting. Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro is really good for that kind of stuff.
What you need to do after you understand the factors is to hit on a lot of these factors, Amanda. Subtly hit on them without being too obvious about it. In a perfect world, then he will ask you out on a date. That works about 60% to 70% of the time. If you can really hit on all four of these factors for your ex–the future, the feelings, the looks and excitement–he will ask you out on a date.
Let’s assume a worst-case scenario that you do everything to a T perfectly. You show him that he has a future with you. You show him that you still have feelings for him, but more importantly, that he still has feelings for you. You show him that you are as hot as any girl out there. He’s not going to find a girl better looking than you. You show him that you are the most exciting girl he could possibly get. You do all of this but he still doesn’t ask you out on a date.
Should you ask him out on a date? A lot of women are scared to ask a guy on a date because men are supposed to be the hunters and women are supposed to be the gatherers. Men are supposed to hunt the women. Women are supposed to gather the men. That’s just the way it’s supposed to be. But sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. Sometimes, as a last-case scenario, if you really care about your boyfriend and think you have a really good shot of winning him back, you have to go on the offensive. You have to do it. You have to extend your hand forward and say, “Let’s go out for a cup of coffee.”
I personally don’t think it’s a big deal as far as who asks who out on a date. Let’s say that you’re the one who asks your ex-boyfriend out on a date and things go perfectly. He asks you to be his girlfriend again. A year later, he proposes to you. Fifteen years down the road in your marriage, you’re not going to sit there and think, “Who asked who out on a date first?” No. It doesn’t matter at that point. That’s what we’re trying to strive for here. We’re trying to strive for the happy ending for you.
In the end, some women need to lose their pride and be the one to ask their ex out on a date in a last-case scenario. You can’t control your ex-boyfriend. You can’t control if he asks you out on a date or not. But you can influence him. You can influence that decision to make it easier for him so he’ll want to ask you out on a date. If it doesn’t happen, don’t be afraid to ask him out on a date.
What I’d like to do for you now, Amanda, is give you three points when it comes to asking a man out on a date. There are three ways that you can ask a man out on a date initially. There is a low-risk way, a medium-risk way and a high-risk way. I’m going to go through each of these. Then I’ll give you my recommendation on what I think you should do.
The low-risk way is anytime you ask him out on a date among a group. For example, you call your ex-boyfriend up and say, “Hey, my friends are going out for laser tag.” There are four or five people and both men and women. You call him and say, “Would you like to join me?” That’s a low-risk type of date. He doesn’t feel like it’s a date, but it kind of is. It’s like a group hangout. It’s a low-risk way. There is a highly probable chance that he’ll say yes.
Then we have the medium-risk way. This is a date that’s in the middle of the day, like a coffee date. You say, “Hey, let’s meet up for a cup of coffee.” You can do it on his lunch break if he’s working. That would be a medium risk date.
Then you have the high-risk date. These are the type of dates that are one-on-one, at night, in a romantic setting. Those are considered dates. He understands that it’s a date. You understand that it’s a date. It’s a date. That’s high risk because, sometimes men need to be primed a little bit more before they’re ready to say yes to a high-risk date.
Here’s my recommendation. You need to move his value up the chain. Start off with a low-risk date. Ask him for a group hangout. Show him the time of his life in this group hangout. Make sure it’s exciting. After this low-risk proposition, you move up to the medium risk.
A few days later, you ask him out for a coffee date. You’ve moved from low risk. You’ve primed him from the low-risk date and shown him that you can have a good time with him. Then you move up to the coffee date. You try to make this as hands off and as friendly as possible. Just be down to earth. Don’t try to make any sudden moves or make out. Keep it light. Keep it interesting.
Then once you’ve hit the coffee date, let’s move up the rung again and go with the high-risk date, a one-on-one romantic date. That is the perfect way to ask a guy out on a date. It’s the perfect way to move him up the value chain. Show your worth with a low-risk date. Then show your worth even more with a medium-risk date. Then show your worth with a high-risk date. You almost have to earn that one-on-one high-risk date that you used to get so easily when the two of you were dating.
Men need to be primed that way. You need to make it look natural and slow. You need to slowly move him up the ladder. Those are my top recommendations on how to ask your ex-boyfriend out on a date or how to get your ex-boyfriend to go out on a date with you. I hope this was educational for you.
I had a lot of fun recording this episode. I was already in the frame of mind to talk about this episode because I had already written half of it for my other website. If you liked what you heard, please keep coming back. Please visit the show notes. I’ll attach a lot of interesting pictures from my exciting date with my wife on a hot air balloon. If you haven’t already, please hop on over to iTunes and leave me an honest review. I would greatly appreciate that.
If you have a question and would like to have it featured and answered on the podcast, please hop over to the Contact page at Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. You can find that at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/contact. Again, the show notes of this episode are located at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode25.
I really had a great time teaching you today. Please feel free to comment on the show notes and ask me anything you want. I’ll try to get back to you within 48 hours. You will get an answer if you ask a question on this podcast episode. I will see you later. I hope you have a great day.