Today we’re going to talk about why your ex is posting so much on social media.
When I say social media, I’m not talking about something specific like Facebook. I’m talking about all social media platforms
- You name it
But if your not really into reading articles and want a broad overview of why your ex keeps posting on social media then this video is meant to help you understand their state of mind.
But first, one of the most asked questions that we get from our clients is, do I even have a chance of getting my ex back?
Now, if you’re sitting there wondering about that very question, I’ve got great news for you. I’ve put together a special quiz designed to answer you.
This quiz will give you an approximate idea of your chances of getting your ex back, and more importantly some of the next steps you should be taking. Just click here to take it!
A Quick Word On Going To Your Friends And Family For Help
A lot of times when people try to understand why their ex is posting so much on social media, the first place they turn to is their friends or family, and oftentimes those friends and family are actually quite cruel to them.
They say things like, “You shouldn’t be looking at that,” “Why are you so obsessed with what your ex is posting?” “You should be moving on!” and suchlike.
I don’t think those are very productive or sensitive answers; they don’t help with the pain of seeing your ex’s social media posts and him or her looking happy, as if they are moving on.
But it’s very difficult to put yourself in someone else’s position, and they don’t mean to be unhelpful. This article will try to unpick the reasons for all this social media activity, so you can understand and process it in a healthy way.
Is It A Good Sign That Your Ex Is Posting So Much On Social Media?
I’m not going to take a stance on whether or not you should get back with your ex in your particular situation (because really, that’s what we’re pushing you towards the quiz for) but I am going to help you with what’s really going on in your ex’s mind as he posts on social media.
Okay, so you’ve seen some pictures on Facebook, Snapchat or wherever of your ex apparently having an awesome time, with no regard to the breakup or your feelings.
This really upsets you – and that’s natural. But let me tell you that it can often be a good sign – yes, really! He (or she) is desperate to prove to the world and to you, the ex, that they are fine.
They have made the right decision to be apart from you, there are no regrets and now they can do all those things that they were thinking of when they were looking at that grass on the other side and thinking, “Wow, that’s greener.”
In reality, it just isn’t that simple. You had a relationship, a connection, good times as well as bad. They are hurting, even if they are trying to conceal that from you and from the world.
And – this is key – they are trying to convince themselves that everything is fine.
But just as a person can have an Instagram feed full of beautiful travel pictures but inside be super homesick, your ex can be posting happy images and be, well, not so happy at all.
How can you tell?
It all comes down to their habits. We are all creatures of habit – habits allow us to get through our days without overthinking every decision.
And we fall into social media habits too.
Some people will check in everywhere they go, post every day and make lots of stories. Some barely post at all. One man will post couples pictures – another will never do so.
Some people will delete all couples pictures, posts etc., others will leave them (and in case you’re wondering, you’re best not deleting such posts/photos, as it’s too emotional a response.).
I know a client whose ex blocked her on most of the social media channels.
She went in to No Contact, but a few posts sneaked through and she was confronted with him posting lots of check-ins, couple pictures and using hashtags like #makesmehappy.
All things he’d never done before with her.
A total change of habits.
She was devastated, but I helped her to see that there was a good possibility that he was trying too hard to convince everyone – and himself – that this rebound relationship was really working.
And I also reminded her that the honeymoon period is just that – one stage in their relationship which is 100% going to wear off. (It did. She got him back.)
Also, please note that pictures of the Other Woman or Other Man are not to be used to beat yourself up. Work on your Trinity (more on that in the EBR Pro resources) and your own inner and outer beauty, and outshine the Other by being the Ungettable Girl.
Remember that social media shows the best of everything and rarely are people brave enough to really dive into the grittier side of life.
With that introduction over, for the rest of this article I’m going to be talking about four potential outcomes, four thoughts that could be running through your ex’s mind to help explain his behavior.
Behavior #1: They Feel Empty, And This Is Their Way Of Acting Out
As many of you know I have a YouTube channel. A few videos ago I talked about my concept of how I like to view the five stages of grief when it comes to breakups. If you don’t have time to watch the video, here’s a quick summary.
Research has shown that grief often presents itself in different stages.
The stages are:
These stages are not intended to be prescriptive, or to make the difficult process of grieving tidy or neatly packed away, but they can help you understand your reactions and feelings.
I believe that the five stages of grief are an excellent way of describing some people’s behaviors after a breakup.
What I don’t believe in is the order that they’re often presented in.
Grief over a loss does not follow a linear timeline – you may experience some or all of the elements, and in any order, over different amounts of time.
Everyone’s personal story and situation is different.
When it comes to breakups you can experience all different kinds of emotions – sometimes anger, sometimes denial – and not necessarily in that order.
We often jump around the five stages depending on the day, or we might be stuck in one for days.
Your ex is also feeling these stages of grief: even if they don’t seem to be, even if they are the one who ended things, and even if they say they have no feelings for you anymore.
It stands to reason that an ex going through all of these emotional pendulum swings would want to act out.
Sometimes social media can be the perfect way to do this – an easy and seemingly safe outlet for their feelings.
Behavior #2: Your Ex Is Trying To Get Your Attention
Why would they want your attention specifically?
Think about it from their perspective for a moment. The two of you were together for a long time (usually the longer, the better to explain this point I’m trying to make).
Let’s say you were together for two years.
That means that for two years he was your number one priority (or number two, at least).
But all of a sudden, when you go through a breakup, he’s not getting the attention he used to receive.
There’s no-one asking him how his day went, if he wants anything picking up from the shops, if he fancies going out somewhere fun. And there’s certainly no intimate conversation or sex – even if he suddenly has another woman, the level of intimacy and connection he had with you, won’t be there.
That attention from you is a kind of validation.
It boosts his ego. It boosts his self-esteem – which we’ll talk more about in a minute.
That self-esteem boost that he was getting every day from talking to you, you calling him pet names like babe or honey – it’s gone. He’s trying to find a way to get some of that back.
Why would posting on social media do that? It’s not like you’re going to sit there and say “Hey, let’s get back together” or “Hey, you look really really sexy,” based on one post. You’re just not going to say that stuff (and it’s a good idea not to)!
But what you might do is maybe comment on a photo, or like a photo, or at the very least, watch his stories.
And if you do, it serves as a form of validation for him, a bit of attention from you that is going to give a little boost to his self-esteem.
Of course, you don’t have to give him that. If you use a No Contact rule to encourage him to miss you and regret not being with you, you won’t respond to anything, including social media content.
(What’s No Contact Rule? Check out more here in the No Contact Rulebook.)
Behavior #3: They Feel That Posting On Social Media Will Boost Their Self-Esteem
So Behavior 2 seamlessly blends into Behavior 3.
Here’s the thing that most people know perfectly well, but never talk about when it comes to social media and posting on it.
We only present our best selves.
You rarely go onto someone’s Facebook profile and see exactly what they look like when they wake up in the morning.
You often see them at their most exciting moments, and sometimes people try to manufacture these moments as they go throughout the day.
They crop out the ugly building in the corner of the photo, they add filters or use software to brighten the photo, they add hashtags to make you think they’re having an amazing time. They take 20 different shots to get one good one. They think, hey, I look pretty cool right now, I’m going to take a selfie.
They will never do that when they’re doing something embarrassing or uncool – when they’ve just woken up, or they’re hungover or sick.
Kudos to those people who do – but it’s not most of us.
That’s because we always want people to look at us in a certain way.
Social media is a showcase for our lives, not a true mirror.
The thinking here is that by presenting our best self to the world, it’s going to boost our self-esteem. Likes, comments and shares will do this.
But perhaps the biggest paradox is yes, it can actually boost our self-esteem but in turn it lowers our self-worth.
Have you ever looked at a cute guy or a cute girl on a social media profile or a dating app and thought to yourself, man, I would really like to date that person.
You set up a date and then you see them in person and they look nothing like they looked on their profile.
This is because that person has only presented their best self to you.
They don’t show you the real them. You’re making a date with someone based on how you perceive them to be.
They understand that and they like it, because yes, maybe they have a pretty face, but they consider themselves to be overweight, so they hide that fact.
They still get the self-esteem boost because they feel desirable.
But they also lower their self-worth because deep down they know they are hiding part of themselves away.
Now what’s interesting is when you take a guy that’s going through a breakup, it’s not really a stretch to say that one of the biggest common sides of a breakup is sadness and negative thoughts – they feel extremely bad about themselves.
One of the stages of grief is depression – feeling empty and sad. It’s natural when you’ve lost someone.
So they’re going to find ways to post really awesome pictures of themselves to boost their self-esteem. But this in turn lowers their self-worth, which they will sometimes blame you for.
Behavior #4- They Seek Validation From Others
Social media is all about seeking validation from others. That’s why people post on it.
They want to show their friends and family what they’re up to, sure, but the true reason, as deep down we all know, is that we really like it when people like or comment on our photos, or they say something nice to us.
We especially like it when people idolize us.
So it’s not a far stretch from your ex who’s going through this breakup, who is feeling less loved and valued, to post things to seek validation not from you, but from everyone else.
We especially see this with men who are trying to go on the rebound. They are trying to get validation from other women so that they feel better about themselves and their situation.
It’s the “I’ve still got it,” feeling that they want.
And all it takes is one positive validation from the opposite sex to get addicted to that feeling.
They maybe get one nice comment from that pretty girl they’ve always had a crush on, and you knew they had a crush on when you two were dating, and the next thing you know, they’re posting constantly trying to get not only more validation from a girl like her, but from any girl.
They’re addicted to that little boost of self-esteem.
Perhaps the most interesting part of this concept is that most of the time, they’re not even aware that they’re doing it. They’re a slave to their emotions. They get that little boost and that’s all they want from that point on.
But the feeling wears off, so they have to go through it all again.
So it’s important for you to read between the lines and understand what’s really going on most of the time.
There is one big thing that I want you to take away from this video: when your ex is posting constantly on social media, especially if they didn’t post so much before, it is a result of the breakup: the cause and effect is there.
It’s not always that they want you back, but they are in extreme pain from the breakup and oftentimes the best way to deal with that pain seems to be to hop into the world of fast-track validation on social media, even if it’s not actually the best route to actually feeling better.
So don’t be upset about all that social media activity, and don’t obsess over What It Means. Just know that if you follow the Ex Boyfriend Recovery programme, you are doing the best you can to get him back – if you want to.