“Today’s episode is going to cover a topic that is very near and dear to my heart…”
These are the exact words I spoke in episode 3 of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.
What is this topic?
Long distance relationships...
It’s funny, I have been quoted as saying that I would never in my life be in a long distance relationship and here I am eating my own words.
(Many of my more loyal readers will know that I was in an LDR with my wife when we are dating.)
My experience in long distance relationships makes me a bit of an expert on the subject which is perfect for today’s episode where we hear from loyal reader Ashley.
Ashley has an ex who,
- Just moved 9 hours away from her
- Has a very tough exterior
- The end of their relationship was plagued with fights
- They had an amazing “hang out” right before he moved
Here is what I am going to be talking about in this amazing episode!
What I Talk About In This Episode
- What is holding her ex boyfriend back right now.
- A few insights I have picked up from my own experience in a long distance relationship.
- How LDR’s Are Always Destined To End
- The importance of making a “PLAN”
IMPORTANT Links I Mention In This Episode
Here are a few helpful long distance relationships guides (even though I don’t technically talk about them in the episode.)
Oh, and for those of you curious about my own experience in a LDR see below,
I also did mention my E-Book,
Oh, and how could I forget episode one of the podcast where Ashley was one of the first people to comment,
Breaking Down The LDR Barrier With An Ex Game Plan
Now Ashley had a unique situation in that she had already done the no contact rule so the plan I formulated for her is broken up into four steps.
Step One- Determine If You Can End Up Together Long Term
LDR’s take a lot out of you so if you don’t think you can end up together long term then it might not even be worth trying for. Please listen to the episode to get more details on why this is so important.
Step Two- Building Emotional Rapport (The Ziegnerik Effect)
It’s interesting…
Women who can successfully use the Ziegnerik Effect tend to make their exes go crazy over them.
This is going to be essential for breaking down an LDR exes walls.
Again, I outline exactly what the Ziegnerik Effect is in this episode of the podcast.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizStep Three- Transitioning From Texts To Phone Calls
Building attraction is vital for someone who is trying to get their ex back.
Now, there is a certain way to go about this process.
In my opinion, you can have the most success if you build attraction first from texting and then transition that to a phone call and pick up where you left off with texting.
Step Four- Plan A Meet Up
If you can get your ex boyfriend to say yes to a meet up then you have really done something amazing. Of course, getting the meet up is all about priming him beforehand with rapport through the Ziegnerik Effect.
How To Be Featured On The Podcast
It’s pretty simple to be featured on my podcast.
All you have to do is visit
And leave a message for me. As long as you have a clear message and voice I will pick it and answer it!
See…
Simple!
Podcast Transcript
Welcome to Episode 4 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I’m really excited to get this episode started today because we’re going to be covering a topic that is very near and dear to my heart. I’ve had some personal experience with it.
This is about long distance relationships. Today, we’re going to be hearing from a woman named Ashley. Ashley has a bit of an interesting story. She was one of the very first people to comment on the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Every time I create a new episode, I upload it to my website, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery.
A few days ago, I uploaded the very first episode of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast to my website, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. Ashley happened to be one of the very first people to comment. She commented and asked me about her situation. I asked her if she’d be willing to send me a voicemail so that I could feature her question on the podcast. I thought it was so good.
That’s a lesson for all of you. Sometimes the best way to get your questions answered is to send me a message on this podcast. If you’re on the fence about it, don’t be. I will have information on how to send me a message in the show notes of this episode. You can find that at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode4.
Let’s get to the nitty gritty and start with Ashley’s question:
“Hi, Chris. I was with my ex-boyfriend for a little over a year. Our relationship used to be very natural, very easy. It was a really great thing for the both of us. However, these last couple of months, this past fall, we began fighting a lot mainly due to communication issues and how we talk to each other.
That caused a lot of fights. That caused me to be pretty over emotional. I can totally see how that also pushed him away. In a way, breaking up was a good thing for us because it caused me to see the role that I played in our communication issues, which I have since been working on. This is something that he has noticed as well, which is good. When we did break up, I implemented the no contact rule.
He was very happy to hear from me when I did reach out to him. He informed me that he was moving nine hours away, back to where he was from. We did hang out right before he moved and the spark was totally still there. He told me that he still loves me, he’s just really confused because he’s not sure whether or not we are right for each other. Currently, we are on friendly speaking terms but I feel like it’s difficult for me to reach him emotionally. I did really break his heart. Because of that, he has put up a very tough exterior. My question is, how can I break down his walls with him being nine hours away? Thank you.”
Thank you for leaving a voice message for me, Ashley. I want to take a moment out of the show to mention that this was probably one of the most well worded messages I’ve ever heard. It’s almost like you rehearsed it 20 times. It was so well worded. I think you have a future in public speaking.
Listeners, here is Ashley’s question. She wants to figure out how to break down the walls that her ex has up as a result of the long-distance relationship that they find themselves in. I want to quickly recap her situation.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizShe says the last few months with her ex have been extremely tough. They’ve been fighting a lot. She can see how she was a little bit over emotional and perhaps pushed him away. She has implemented the no contact rule. Kudos to you, Ashley. I’m very proud of you for that. When she did get back in contact with her ex, he informed her that he is going to be moving nine hours away. I’m really sorry about that, Ashley.
That really sucks. They hung out before he moved. The spark was still there, which is a very good sign. He told her that he still loves her but is confused on whether or not they are right for each other. I’m going to dissect that phrase a little bit later. He’s put up a tough exterior as a result of the distance. She wants to figure out how she can break his walls down.
Typically, when we look at breakups, it’s very smart for every woman to look at her specific situation and figure out what caused the breakup, whether it was her, her boyfriend or her husband. I think there is knowledge to be gained from understanding what went wrong. I don’t know Ashley’s situation as intimately as she does. When I look at it, she mentioned that, towards the end, they were fighting a lot. I don’t think that’s going to prevent her from getting him back.
Let’s take the worst situation, cheating. If you cheated on your boyfriend, you have some serious headwind to overcome if you’re going to try to get him back. I look at getting an ex back as a job interview. You want to impress him and put your best foot forward. You want to do everything you can to prove to him that you are the best candidate to take over his love life.
In an interview, you want to figure out your weaknesses and spin them in a way that benefits you. When I look at Ashley’s situation, she mentioned the fighting. I don’t think that’s going to prevent her from getting him back. Breaking up as a result of a fight, or many fights, is a very common breakup reason. I’ve seen a lot of it.
Off the top of my head, right now, what’s holding her boyfriend back is the fact that they’re long distance. Long distance is hard. It’s something that she’s going to have to overcome. When I look at her situation, the biggest challenge I think she’s going to face is overcoming this distance and convincing her boyfriend that, “We can work through the distance. This can work.” I think, right now, her boyfriend is hesitant because of the distance factor.
Now I’m going to dive into my own personal experience with long-distance relationships. I was in a long-distance relationship with my wife. That makes me an expert on this topic. Not only did I experience what a long-distance relationship was like so that I can sympathize with you, Ashley, but I actually married the one that I was in a long-distance relationship with.
Here are the struggles that I think many people have in long-distance relationships. Number one is that a long-distance relationship, at its core, is destined to fail. That might be a shocking thing for you to hear, but understand my mindset here.
Imagine that you are dating someone and you are in a long-distance relationship with them. Let’s say that you are 30 years old. By the time you’re 33 or 34, you want to be married and have kids. You’re 30 years old.
You’re in a long-distance relationship with a guy. You’re not married. The guy has shown no interest in marrying you whatsoever. You’re kind of at a standstill. You have needs and wants. You have goals that you want to achieve. It doesn’t look like this is going to happen. You’re not going to stay in a long-distance relationship forever.
Here are the only outcomes of a long-distance relationship. You can either break up or you can figure out a way to solve the distance, come up with a plan and end up together in a more permanent manner. When I say that, I mean location wise. You are going to be together. That’s the reason I think most long-distance relationships fail. They don’t have a plan like this. You absolutely 100% need a plan. You both need to be on the same page with it.
That’s the beautiful thing about my wife and I. When we first started dating, we came up with a plan immediately. We were a little bit different than your situation, Ashley. We didn’t date before someone moved away in a long-distance manner. We initially were long distance from the beginning. The pressure for us to end up together was there. Both of us had to figure out a way to navigate the plan.
One of the biggest reasons people fail in a long-distance relationship is that they get stuck in a standstill. There’s no overarching plan that causes the two people to end up together in the same location. Someone has to move to someone or you both have to move to a neutral location. That’s what has to happen. Someone has to make a sacrifice.
For my wife and I, that was me. It’s because my job was amenable to changing locations. My wife was a salesperson and she really couldn’t move. I’m some sort of website geek that knows a thing or two about relationships. I had the means to make it work. I had time and money. That is my next point.
The only reason that the plan that we had to end up together worked was because it was possible. I had the time to move. I had the money to move. Not everyone has those luxuries. Sometimes people from separate countries can’t get off work to meet up with each other. They don’t have the money to make a big move.
Many of them don’t have the guts or faith in the relationship to do that. No doubt, it is a scary thing to pick up your life and move for someone when there’s no guarantee of it working out. I got lucky. My wife is an amazing woman. It almost made my decision to move easy. I knew I was going to end up with her. I believed it in my core.
Here’s what we discussed so far. Most long-distance relationships fail, in my opinion, because there is no plan to end up together. If there is a plan, some couples don’t have the means to make the plan work. The means are time and money. For many of the listeners out there in high school and your boyfriends moved away, realistically, you probably don’t have a good shot of getting your ex back. I’m sorry to break the news to you. Those are the facts. Like I said, you need time and money to make this work.
Let me discuss the time factor. I think the money factor is pretty self-explanatory. You need money to travel. You need money to move permanently somewhere. The time factor, on the other hand, is important, too. A lot of people just can’t get off work. Or they’re in school. They can’t just uproot their lives once a month to see their boyfriend or girlfriend.
When my wife and I were dating, every month, we would set time aside for each other. We would see each other at least once a month. There would be these blocks. For example, in the month of May, we would see each other for four to five days. I would visit her. Then she would come and visit me. It would go back and forth until we figured out how we were going to do this and end up together permanently. Everything developed from there.
We were lucky that I work for myself. I don’t have any boss to answer to. She, on the other hand, did have a boss to answer to. She had to put in vacation days. She pretty much used up all of her vacation days for me. I am forever grateful for that. If she wasn’t able to do that, we would not have seen each other for three or four months. That’s staggering. In a long-distance relationship, you need to be seeing the person at least once a month.
Those are my words of wisdom when it comes to long-distance relationships. I’m beating a dead horse at this point. You need to have an overlying plan to end up together in a permanent location. You need to have the time and money to make that plan succeed.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizLet’s focus on Ashley’s situation. I want to get to the game plan portion of the episode. For those of you who are new to the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast, I let people call in. I give general knowledge that’s helpful for everyone. At the end of the episode, I focus in and give the particular person who called in a game plan for how to approach their situation.
Here is Ashley’s game plan. Ashley, I want you to know that I thought a long time about this. I spent about 35 to 40 minutes putting this game plan together for you. I really did put a lot of work into this for you. Your situation is a little bit unique. Usually, in your situation, I would recommend to use the no contact rule. You’ve said you already used it.
I’ve come up with four steps to your game plan. I will be posting Ashley’s game plan to the show notes of this episode. This is Episode 4. For those of you who find yourself in a similar situation, look at the game plan and you’ll be good to go.
Step number one is pretty general. First, you need to determine if this relationship is worth your time. You need to determine if that plan is there and if it’s feasible to make the plan work. Here is an example. Maybe you’re in high school. You don’t sound like you are. You’re very well spoken. Some high school kids fumble. You sound like you’re more mature. If you were in high school then it’s probably not a feasible situation to continue.
I’m all about long-term success with relationships. I really want you to succeed, Ashley. In order to give yourself a chance, you need to figure out if this relationship is worth your precious time. Your time is precious. Don’t let some guy take that away from you. Your time is the biggest asset you have.
If everything went perfectly, would your ex-boyfriend be open to a plan to end up together permanently? Would you have the means to make that plan work? I’m assuming that you’re going to say yes. When I tell people that, they almost always say yes. The question that you have in your mind is, “I want a plan to work, but how can I convince him to want the plan to work when he has this tough exterior up?”
It’s all about reaching him on an emotional level. You’re building the emotional rapport you need for him to look at you and say, “My God, I miss her. I need to have her.” That’s step two of the plan. You need to build emotional rapport with your ex. How do you go about that?
How do you create this emotional rapport when your ex is so guarded inside and outside? I want you to utilize something I like to call the Ziegarnik effect. What is the Ziegarnik effect? It’s pretty simple. It’s a psychological principle that says human beings remember uncompleted tasks better than completed tasks. That may sound a little weird. Let me explain it.
I always love to use TV shows as an example. One of my favorite TV shows right now is Game of Thrones. At the end of every single episode of Game of Thrones, there’s a massive cliffhanger. The shows just stops. Something massive happens and you say, “I have to see what happens next.” You have to wait an entire week to see it. That’s the Ziegarnik effect in action.
It means that you’re going to remember an uncompleted task or thing more. You need to utilize this with your ex-boyfriend. When you’re texting him, I want you to treat it like a TV show. In a television show, there’s a plot and there’s a climax. Usually, right before the episode is about to get really good, the show runners stop the episode right there. They know that you have to come back next week and watch. That’s a week-long period where they’re not going to see the audience.
They need to capture their attention somehow and make them remember to come back. A cliffhanger is the perfect way to do that. The Ziegarnik effect ties into this. It’s an uncompleted task. At the end of every single TV show, there’s a cliffhanger. Even that stupid show, Keeping up with the Kardashians, I guarantee there’s a cliffhanger at the end of those episodes. They know they have to keep you hooked to keep you coming back.
Use this principle on your ex. I want you to text him. Get a good conversation going. A good conversation is when he’s responding at a pretty good rate and you’re responding at a pretty good rate. Your word count in the text is high for both of you. You’re having good rapport.
Right when the conversation is about to get good, don’t text him anymore for the rest of the day. Wait until the next day. Keep doing this. Slowly but surely, you’ll find that the traction gets ramped up. You’ll be able to dive into more intimate topics. I don’t mean super intimate. I mean emotional topics. These are topics that you know are going to reach him on an emotional level. The Ziegarnik effect is step two.
Step three is where things start to get fun. If you’re doing things right with the Ziegarnik effect with step two, you’re going to build a lot of good rapport with your ex-boyfriend. You’re going to have some good conversations.
What do you do next? You want to transition from texting to phone calls. There are a lot of ways you can do this. My favorite way is to use a story to your advantage. I want you to start telling a story. Make it up if you have to. Don’t make it so ridiculous that he’ll question it. Make up a story. Tell the story.
Midway through the story in a text message, say, “This is too long. Can I just call you?” or “Can you just call me?” That’s a perfect way to get him to call you. If he’s listening to your story, he’s already hooked. He’s going to be more amenable to saying yes on the phone. Once you get him on the phone, the game is on. You’re on the clock. You need to fascinate him.
In Episode 3 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast, I told an interesting story about what my wife would do to me when we were on the phone. I want you to use that story on your ex, Ashley. I want you to use what my wife did to me on your ex when you get him on the phone. I’m not going to tell you the story. I want you to go back and listen to Episode 3 of the podcast. It’s a great story. I messed up at the end. You can hear the fear in my voice. I’ll leave it at that.
Step three is to transition from texting to phone calls. On the phone calls, you need to fascinate your ex.
Step four is the final step. After you’ve built up enough attraction, you can try for a meetup. You can see each other in person. You’re long distance. You’re nine hours away from your boyfriend. That means that you have to build up enough attraction. You’ll know inside. Your internal aura will sense, “I’ve built up enough attraction for him to say yes to a meetup.” Step four is to get a meetup.
If you build up enough attraction, he will say yes to a meetup. He will want to see you. Once you have him in person, that’s when you have him. If you think about it, he said yes to either traveling to you nine hours away or you traveling to him. That means he’s setting his entire schedule aside for you. That’s a good thing. That means you’re really close to getting him back.
Those are the four steps that I want you to focus on right now, Ashley. Feel free to contact me and keep me updated with your situation. I’d really like to hear all about it. That is the game plan for Ashley.
Listeners, you can go to www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode4 to find the graphic I created for Ashley’s game plan. I’ll be posting Episode 5 tomorrow. I’m very excited for what’s in store.
I want to thank you for listening to the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. If you’re interested in getting your ex back, please check out my website. There’s a lot of helpful information there. If you need a step-by-step game plan to get your ex back, check out my book, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro.
I hope you have a great week or weekend. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Lara
June 1, 2020 at 4:20 am
Hi Chris, here goes and apologies for the length. My ex is 58 and I am 49. We were in a LDR for 3 years and he broke up with me over the phone due to family issues. I used the N/C rule etc and we got back together for 2 months. Then I met someone else in my city and decided to end the LDR with my ex. I was with the new bf for 2 1/2 years. I realised I had made a huge mistake early into the relationship but I didn’t know how to get out of it as we were living together (Plus I really liked his mum!). Anyway, I finally ended it 3 1/2 months ago and I definitely do not want him back. My ex LDR and I reconnected about 2 months ago and he came to spend the weekend with me and we had sex – my bad plus did I really not put into practise anything you taught me. My ex LDR has suggested what appears to be a FWB situation. I told him I needed time to think and clear my head. How do I move forward? Lara
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
June 1, 2020 at 10:01 am
Hi Lara, so I would be clear with your ex that you do not want a friends with benefits situation, but it is important that you do not sleep with him again unless you are official. I wouldn’t suggest that you follow a no contact as there hasn’t been a break up. But I would follow the information about the Holy Trinity and being Ungettable so that your ex places more value in you to commit to you
Michelle
April 1, 2017 at 4:44 pm
I was in an LDR for 3 months. I broke it off with him because he would make plans to come see me and basically cancel them for various reasons. He owns his own company and would claim that the cancelations were work related. I also felt like he was being distant and texting me out of obligation towards the end. I sent him a goodbye email and he never really responded to it. He just texted me a day later and said “hello there”. I did not respond and it has been two weeks of NC. He has not reached out again or contacted me since then. It’s just hard because I feel like he’s moved on and doesn’t really care that I’m not in his life anymore. I just want to be over him or get him back. I’m so tired of feeling sad.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 3, 2017 at 7:04 am
Hi Michelle,
decide first if you want to move on or try again.. if you want to try, start the count of nc now and be active in improving yourself and in posting and then initiate after 30 days
M
March 16, 2017 at 8:30 pm
Typed a long comment and it didn’t show up. Trying to see if this works now
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 17, 2017 at 4:45 pm
Hi Meg,
It appears on my end.. I’ll just copy my reply to it and paste it here too:
Hi Meg,
dont chase.. Improve yourself and aim to be the ungettable girl during and after nc.. open this link:
The Ungettable Girl
Meg
March 16, 2017 at 6:05 pm
Not sure where to even begin…
My ex bf and I had been together for 8 years. We had broken up only once during that time, for about 10 months, after we had already been together for about 4. Long story short, at that time, he wasn’t sure whether he would ever want to get married… not to me, just in general. And this was a big problem for me, as that was something I always wanted for myself. Other circumstance were complicating the situation as well.. during this time he had also just gotten out of the military, and he was in a place where he was trying to transition from military life to civilian life. He was unsure of whether he would stay close to me, or if he would move out of state for an opportunity to start school again so he could have the job of his dreams. Ultimately, already being no strangers to being in a long distance relationship due to him being in the marines, he decided we would one day marry, and I decided to try to make the long distance thing work once again if he were to move out of state..
Flash forward another 4 years. He has been living in another state for close to 3 years now. For the past 2 and a half years we’ve made it work by visiting one another various times throughout the year. He would come home during the summer to spend a few months with me and his family, and I would go visit him during our winter and spring breaks. And it was fine. However, the last two times he visited, I’ll admit things weren’t the same, because I wasn’t exactly the same. I’m in a position in my life now where I am completely independent in regards to having a job (I’m a teacher) and taking care of myself. This summer, he stayed with me at my apartment, something I was ecstatic about.. it was like we finally had a chance to have our own place. Almost like a taste of what would one day be. But things got kinda hard and we argued more than usual.. yet even then, we rarely argued to begin with, so I just chalked it up to getting used to being around each other so much, since I was off for the summer and so was he. Also, the arguments we did have were nothing gravely serious. They were mostly little things, that again I simply blamed on just constantly being around one another with not much to do. This past winter break was a little rough, as in between the summer and then I had decided to move into my cousin’s house (in preparation to go visit him this summer), so it was the two of us in my cousin’s house. Definitely wasn’t “our” space anymore.
Now flash forward again to present day. My ex finally got the job of his dreams! I’ve been so happy for and proud of him. But now, since the beginning of February, he has been going through the academy at the fire department where he was hired. When talking about me visiting during spring break, like I always do, he told me it might be too difficult this time.. I was understanding and we decided I wouldn’t visit this time. But a couple weeks ago he began telling me that summer probably wouldn’t work either. He said even tho the academy would be over, he still might be too busy. I didn’t like how he was already being so negative. Several times I told him I wouldn’t mind sitting at home all day just watching him study if that’s what’s it came down to. Even if it could only be for the weekend. I was more than willing to do whatever it would take.. but he just said we would see..
The other day, I woke up with an awful feeling. Just felt like my stomach dropped and like something was wrong. So I texted him, and ultimately realized everything I needed to know could be answered in one question.. I asked him if he was still in love with me. After not giving me a straight answer a few times and after accusing me of no longer being in love with him, he finally told me he didn’t know. My heart sank. After all the years we’ve been together, since we were 17 in high school, after conquering the long distance while he was in the military, after being nothing but supportive and making sacrifices so that he couldn’t chase his dreams again in another state, he couldn’t say he was still in love with me. I told him I couldn’t tell if he was just being stubborn, or if he really meant it. He told me that most of the reason why he was unsure was because he believed I was unhappy while he was here and that he felt I treated him differently. So I told him I would give him a few days to think about it. After just one day, and after thinking about it myself.. i decided I couldn’t be with someone who had to question if he still loved me after 8 years. He’s not the type of person to sugar coat things or say something just to save someone’s feelings.. so what hurt me the most is that I knew he meant it when he said it. And I couldn’t just forgive and forget. I told him it felt like he stopped trying, like my effort was becoming more and more one-sided, and that he was choosing other things over me (like going out with friends in his free time instead of facetiming me).
So I told him to call me, and I ended it. This happened this past Sunday.. He was crying and said he would probably regret this for the rest of his life, and that he would always love me. But he didn’t say anything to fight for us.
We had a plan for our future.. I would stay where I am for another year until his year of probation was over, and then I would move up to him, since mine is the more flexible job.
I’m so confused and distraught. Ive been in NC for the past 4 days, including today. And i don’t anticipate he will reach out to me first.. he’s too proud and stubborn. I’m wondering what I can do to get him to realize that one hard year shouldn’t ruin an otherwise largely happy relationship. Also, I’m trying to figure out how to make him appreciate me and what he had. Any advice would be appreciated.
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 16, 2017 at 7:50 pm
Hi Meg,
dont chase.. Improve yourself and aim to be the ungettable girl during and after nc.. open this link:
The Ungettable Girl
Natalia
January 29, 2017 at 5:18 pm
hi
My ex and I have a job where we travel around the world all the time and stay in different locations for some period of time. We are normally even in different continents. Every 4 months we have a conference where we all get togeather, during this conference we brok up because in the past month I have been so needy and terrible because I felt that he was not paying enough attention to me and the way I would get he’s attention is that I would break up with him (for minutes or hours and he would come back), this had been happening for about a month and it happend again when we were in the conference just this time he didn’t come back and he said he did not want to be with me anymore because he wanted to focuse on he’s job and this relationship would not allow him to do that as it needed a lot of work for it to work and he couldn’t give me that now. He also told me I was only playing mental fans and that I have hurt him really badly by breaking up with him every time just like that and that he took ever breakup really seriously. I begged for 3 days while we were in the conference , telling him that I would work on it that I have fucked up and that I did not want to lose him (I know terrible mistake) and he barely even talked to me or looked me in the eyes,. He was also having a great time drinking with he’s friends every night and when we were in the same venues did not even look at me. We had a skiing trip planned after conference and he cancelled it. Now I’m in my 5rh day of the NC rule and he has not try to contact me at all, also I have him on snapchat and he sends (to he’s story and not me) snapchats where he ended up going to sky with he’s friends !!! And he seems to be having a great time., this is been super difficult to me and all I can see is him drinking and having fun skiing (something we were going to do). He doesn’t even know where in the world I am and he was supper clear when I begged that there was no chance of getting back togeather and also said that he did not even want to talk about it anymore, I asked him if he still loved me and he said yes (that doesn’t change form one day to another) but that still no chance. Do I really have a shot here, he was so clear and he doesn’t even seem to be suffering at all. Also if I upload snapchats to my story or look at he’s is the breaking the NC rule?
Natalia
January 29, 2017 at 5:25 pm
He were togeather for 8 months and 6 months were “official”. Also I know this is exactly the way he break up with he’s previouse gfs, just stopped talking to them and really never talked to them again…
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 30, 2017 at 1:30 pm
Hi Natalia,
because that’s actually how you should handle a break up.. start improving yourself..yes, you can be active in posting..actually you should but dont look at his posts..
Kimberly
October 29, 2016 at 12:16 am
I did no contact for 22 days. He did not contact me during that time. After I did contact him he was very cold to me. I made the mistake of just letting it all out saying how much I loved him, that i would never love anyone else again and that I would never forget him. He was angry with me and said He couldnt believe that when he asked me for some time and space that I just cancelled our plans to see each other. I apologized profusely. I told him we could still meet just like before and he said No. I asked if I could just come to see him in Sweden. He said No. I asked if he wanted me to just go away and he said Yes please and I will never forget you.
Its been 5 weeks since our breakup.
So I left him alone after he told me to go away. And 5 days later he is messaging me bringing up good memories, commenting and liking my facebook posts. I can’t understand if he wants to be friends, is trying to save face after being such a jerk a few days ago, or what? I don’t know what to do. It hurts to be in this happy place with him again because it gives me hope.
How should I handle this? I have already implemented some dating, bettering myself, posting great pics of myself. But I do not want to just be friends.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 31, 2016 at 4:24 pm
Hi kimberly,
more likel, he is just trying to save face.. the bad thing though is, he knows you’re still in love with him.. whatever you do at this point, is chasing..and the more you restart no contact..so, you have to appear like you’ve accepted his decision but you choose to move on and then as a last try, do 45 days
Emily
October 19, 2016 at 12:23 am
My boyfriend and I were together for 3.5 years. This past July I moved away to go to graduate school only 1.5 hrs away from where he goes to pharmacy school. We loved each other very much and I told him that I would visit him once a month since I lived with my parents. We were absolutely perfect when I initially moved away and started long distance; he would call me every second of his free-time and we would text all the time. However, when he started pharmacy school at the end of August, he started to get busy and would contact me less and less.I would get emotional waiting for him to text me back then I would see pictures of him on facebook with his new pharmacy school life. He broke up with me a little more than a month ago because he said “he was ripping the bandaid off”. He said he this was very painful for him to do because he loved me so much. I was devastated but I do want him back. I am in the 18th day of the no contact period and he still has not reached out to me at all. I have been exercising every day and I am also currently in graduate school so I have been focused on that as well. I am planning on going to visit his college town in two weeks because my friends and I are having a reunion but it also lines up perfectly with the end of my 30 day NC period. Is there anything you suggest I do? I am worried that he might have exams he needs to study for if I do ask him to hang out which may prompt him to say no as well. One of our mutual friends also told me that my ex said about the breakup is he is “sad and lonely sometimes but distracting himself.” We only live 1.5 hours away so I do not think a relationship would be hard to keep. My graduate program ends in one year and I was planning to go back to my college town ( for reasons that have nothing to do with my ex) and start working so we would be living in the same city again soon.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 20, 2016 at 7:50 pm
Hi Emily,
you mean you will ask him to hang out right after nc because you’re going to his university? Nope, dont do that.. it’s too early.. there’s a chance he will say yes but it would be better not to see him right away.. It would be better that he will not think you took that opportunity to see him..
Melissa
October 5, 2016 at 4:30 pm
Hello,
I was in a Long distance relationship for 2 years and a half. I live in US while he lives in Sweden. We have been broken up for about 3 weeks now and all I want is to be with him. When we broke up he stated that he needed to see if being alone will help him feel like he is moving forward. Since that conversation we had spoken three times. I had initiated all three conversation which were in regards to me not wanting to be without him. He did state every time that I should move on even If I do not want to. I do not know what to do. I love him. I want to be with him. Please advice.
Melissa
October 12, 2016 at 4:21 pm
Hi Amor,
Thank you for the advice. I went back on to snap chat and my ex would start watching my snaps within minutes of me posting them. Is this a good sign? I am still on the no contact rule which has been a life saver for me emotionally. Thank you so much for responding.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 13, 2016 at 6:27 am
You’re welcome! Yup! it’s a good sign!
Melissa
October 7, 2016 at 6:33 pm
Hi amor,
Yes, after reading through the sight I do believe that is the my best bet. I have been on the no contact rule for 8 days now. We still have each other on all our social media outlet per his request. I have not posted since I have implemented the no contact rule. Is that what I should be doing? I just really want him back.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 10, 2016 at 11:58 am
Well, yeah it’s been a week, you should be active in posting now and in the coming days..
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 7, 2016 at 3:15 pm
Hi Melissa,
do you want to do the no contact rule?
Hopeful
July 18, 2016 at 1:42 am
Hi Chris!
I’d love to get your personal advice. I have a similar situation. I dated my BF for 2 yrs in college and just graduated. I’m in MN he’s now in basic training in GA for the army. Towards the last semester, we did fight a little, but not a ton. Still we abruptly ended things (more on his terms) and went separate ways, but we never gave each other up. We slept together my last night at school and he later admitted he felt like things weren’t over but he was confused. He has hardened up since we broke up, but some of that is distance and he is busy. I did 10 days no contact and then we started talking again and flirting. He’s called twice in the 2 months we’ve been broken up and after talking about seeing each other, he set a date/weekend. It feels like he is expecting sex and I definitely want to as well because that’s when we are most connected, but I’m uncertain if this will damage or help us. I loosely followed your rules, but things have so far worked out great! We are on a clock though because in October he will be away for 2 months and there will be no phones (this seems like a great time to reflect and I’m hoping he will miss me) so I want to give him a great weekend and give him something to miss. He said he thought there were problems between us but he doesn’t know what. He never gave any reasons as to why we broke up (I suspect ldr and we did become each other’s entire lives and put the other first always while neglecting ourselves) I think we can work through them. I told him I wasn’t ready to jump in with both feet and I just wanted to let things organically happen, but he did warn me his fear about me flying down to see him and just expecting to get back together… Still I think when we see each other, I can charm him.
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 19, 2016 at 4:50 pm
Hi Hopeful,
that’s good that you’re confident! But don’t sleep with him..you’ll end up being friends with benefits if you do
ddestiny
July 6, 2016 at 9:53 pm
Hello Chris, I and my ex dated for about 5 months but at the beginning we were just really good friends and when we used talk about relationships he told me about his ex whom he dated for 4 years but of .recent they’ve been quite distant and she usually sex starves him..we talked a lot .and in no time we started dating although our relationship was long distance but we tried to .make it work we’d text for .long hours and he’d tell me how special I was.. I visited him a few times in his city but it got to a point he started giving me attitude he would spend days without talking to me when I complained he’d say he was busy with so many issues this actually caused me .to start becoming to clingy which started irritating him the more.. Till he broke it off and said he needed space and were better off as friends..I left him bout a week or so and started texting him again..hoping I could retrace back our love but then I started seeing uploads of his ex he said was distant and it hurt me more so I .lashed out on him and accused of him of being a player and toying with my feelings..then I .went on a no contact rule..I didn’t contact him till about 3 weeks he started texting me again at first I ignored him but after a while .I started texting him back and we started our usual long talks like we were still dating..but it came to a point I saw an upload of that same chick and he was wishing her a happy birthday in a quite romantic manner..I got jealous but I didn’t show it this time I acted civil and ignored it..but few days later I owned up and told him I couldn’t be friends anymore and I needed to work on improving myself and we can’t be friends for now that he really hurt me in thePast and although I forgive him but I really can’t keep tabs with him any longer..he actually said in his own words “I totally understand and I’m sorry I hurt and disappointed you but I did a lot of soul searching and realized we both live in separate cities and I’m in a relationship and it would be unfair to you stringing you along in hopes of us being exclusive and it was better we ended things now it was pretty young than later when it would be pretty deep”..we both parted ways on good terms but I really still wasn’t over him..I know you would say move on but this guy actually brought out the best in me than any relationship I’ve ever been in that’s why I’m finding it difficui moving on..I used to be an adept smoker but he thought me how to learn to quit he thought me so many things and there’s quite a lot I hoped to learn from him..I’m thinking of moving to the same city as him not to stalk him but at least it’ll increase my chances..please tell me what to do
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 7, 2016 at 3:51 pm
hi ddestiny,
do active nc first.. I think you should do 45 days before deciding in anything about moving there
Ashley
September 23, 2015 at 2:30 am
Hey!
This is Ashley from your post above. A little late to the party, but thank you for your advice! I should have mentioned in my vmail; I am in my late 20’s and he is 30. I do see us being happy in the long run with one another, but you know… He needs to see that to.
Most of our fighting was about how we didn’t have enough time together- he had just returned from Iraq. He was in grad school, so was I. I was also working full time. It was just really tough all around.
Anyway, I ended up following your approach and am in the third stage right now.
Last night we spoke for a while on the phone. He admitted he still very much misses me and he isn’t so sure anymore if he made the right decision. I just told him that I can’t tell him that, but I he can call me when he wants to talk. We then went on to catch up a lot about our own families, life and work.
Is there anything else I should be doing?
-Ashley
Ashley
October 26, 2015 at 12:38 am
No, he’s finally made the decision that he doesn’t want to live that life anymore. He took his bar exam and is waiting for those results.. Not sure if that helps?
Sorry for the delay- I couldn’t find this page again!
Ash
Chris Seiter
October 1, 2015 at 6:31 pm
By any chance is he still in the army and going back for a tour?
Alice
July 28, 2015 at 6:04 pm
Hello,
I have dated this guy for 10 months in a LDR, we live in different countries (2000 km distance).
We just broke up because of his insecurities, he is not sure if he can deal with the distance anymore. He is extremely insecure about himself, and told me that he could never leave his country and that the language is a problem (we speak english with each other but neither of us have english as a first language, but that was never a problem, the issue is his insecurities).
Do you think it is worth it to invest and try to get him back or just leave it?
Your website is really helpful, thanks 🙂
Taryn
June 19, 2015 at 8:47 pm
Hello Chris :]
Long time haha. So I today I’m going back through to re-read your articles about making LDRs work. Because Ryan and I are at that phase. The phase of trying to figure out what to do, where this is going, and how to make the distance work.
Today, he was worried about what we should do. He and I both agree that it’s not enough for us to drive back and fourth all the time. So I remembered your LDR advice. I remembered you writing in your articles about making a Plan, a goal. So he and I talked on the phone. He said maybe we should just be friends or break up. And so then I stopped him and brought up having a Goal. I told him that we should make a plan for one of us to move to the other, at some point. Not today, not tomorrow. But eventually. Most likely it would be me. And that is fine, if I found a job.
So we will be talking in person about our goal and what we will do.
I have faith that it will work out. He just gets worried about the distance. And tries to give up. But nope. We’re not giving up. We will make it work. This is the first time I’ve brought this up.
Chris Seiter
June 29, 2015 at 7:02 pm
Wow, you have come a really far ways from when you first came here.
Taryn
June 19, 2015 at 9:46 pm
Also, we are now 1 hour and 50 mins from each other. He just moved back to his hometown. Is still in school. And works nights. He original was 1 hour from me. And since we got back together, we have seen each other three times. Once in March. Twice this month. And we’re planning to see each have other Tuesday. He drove to me twice. I drove once. And he’s driving Tuesday.
His current worries are brought on because of the fact that he is further away. And works every evening . Even weekends now. He has to commute to Rochester, NY from sodus, NY to get to work. And I’m in Buffalo, NY, which has is almost two hours away.
So we’re going to try and work this out.
I hope :]
Victoria A
May 16, 2015 at 10:47 am
Dear Chris, I need your help. For the last 4 months I’ve been in a LDR. He lives in London, I am in LA. He never made that seem an issue.
I know us girls can write huge stories so I’m gonna do my best to keep it short, though perhaps not successfully! He swept me off my feet, introduced me to both sides of his family. I came to Europe and he took me all over on vacations, bought me amazing gifts and we spent every night together. I am half British and have my own flat here but I basically lived with him. I’ve come here twice. I’m here now (my third time.)
he was supposed to come to LA this last month. His work has been so crazy though he was unable to figure out a time to come. We spoke on Skype 3 weeks ago and I said “look I have nothing hard pressed with work, I’ll come to you.” He was thrilled and said he’d love that. I booked a mileage ticket again and sent him the itinerary to which he replied, “wow, that was quick” and then a day later said he doesn’t think I should come and he wonders what happens next, said “if you come now we will get closer, and then what?” – how he doesn’t want to live his life attached to his phone like other people he sees in LDRs. He went on about how much pressure he suddenly feels (admittedly I had been trying to arrange out next trip bc we were bordering on 6 weeks and I was going nuts with these incomplete visit plans.) He said he adores me and wants to come to me and is embarrassed I’ve come to him only. That he wants to see my life in LA and get to know my parents even better and come to me when he is finally finished with his work project. He said he just needs this pressure to dissipate so things can go back to normal. I cancelled my flight and after that he just became very distant. I no longer was called cute nicknames, he would disappear for a day here and there. Of course I got scared there was someone else – on the phone though, without me having asked – during our convo about why I shouldn’t come he said “I want you to know there isn’t anyone else, I have no interest in that, you became the exception. I was so done with caring to meet anyone before I met you.”
Anyway, long story short, I had some stuff to do for work in London so I came out- he has been all weird about it and is convinced it’s all for him (in some ways of course I wanted to see him) we have had a few lovely dates but we keep ending up in the conversation of how he feels pressure and he feels guilty every moment he doesn’t see me blah blah blah. Finally I had no choice but to do the opposite of what I’ve been doing and do exactly what I didn’t want to – I told him I was tired of apologizing for being here and tired of him making me feel bad and like I’m adding so much pressure and that I have no other option but to leave him be. I said lets just plan not to see one another the rest of my trip and lets check in a few weeks time and see how we feel. All he said back is, “You shouldn’t feel bad about anything, but just understand where I’m coming from on this” I wrote one last text saying I’m here if he wants to see me and explaining I still want him and care about him but I don’t have any other option but to back off. – radio silence since then – this was yesterday. I’m here just three more days and totally want to see him. But do I not and just start NC? What is happening here? I’m so fucking miserable Chris. This guy went from treating me like an absolute goddess and part of the family. He took me everywhere on such luxurious trips and meeting all members of his family and buying me Valentino and such. I get where he’s coming from about the pressure and I explained it was foolish of me to go against his needs and I apologize. Ugh. I just don’t know what to do. I’m so sad.
Victoria A
May 16, 2015 at 10:52 am
Oh and ps) I am 30 and he is 26 but hugely together and successful but he is building an 8 story house, a boat and an apartment which is now suing him for stupid building scaffolding rules – I know he’s stressed and says he’ll feel normal once he finishes them up (which he’s close to doing) he said he feels like he’s having his quarter life crisis
Chris Seiter
May 19, 2015 at 5:56 pm
Quarter life crisis?
Kendra
April 27, 2015 at 2:12 am
Hello Chris,
I have been avidly reading all of your information and I have even read a few of your posts multiple times. They have been extremely helpful and have actually helped me pull myself out of a depressive state because I have some hope for the future. I have a few questions about my relationship. I was with my ex for almost 8 months and the first 5 were amazing. It was the best relationship I have ever had. Unfortunately since we are in college he became extremely busy and couldn’t find a lot of time to spend with me. I am an extremely emotional person and took this very hard and instead of being supportive of him and trying to help relieve stress, I only caused a lot of fights. For the past three months we have fought a very large amount and many times I had to beg him to stay and I told him I would change. I found that I couldn’t change and he ended up breaking up with me. I understand why and I think it took him breaking up with me to really see how I was causing the problems. I am truly ready to change to be the girl he fell in love with.
There are a few issue I have faced though. The first is that I completely believe that the 30 day NC is important, but our university is done in two weeks and he goes home, which is 4 hours away… How can I possibly show him that I’ve changed if he is that far away.
My second question is about your e-book. I really want to buy it, but as a college student I need to make sure that spending my money will be smart. The issue I have is that my boyfriend is very different than most of the boys you describe during your website. I’m am very nervous that none of these tricks will work with him because of how his mind works. Do you think that this is still an investment that I should make?
Taryn
April 6, 2015 at 1:10 pm
Hi Chris!
Hehe so Ryan and I finally got to see each other! It was so great :]
He had spring break last week and the weather was finally good. So he came to see me before I went to work and we spent some time together. And we will be seeing each other again soon. It took an hour and a half for him to drive to me.
I would say that he and I are a success story. Because we were never an official couple before breaking up in the first place. Now we are where we left off and moving forward :]
Taryn
April 22, 2015 at 12:36 pm
Thank you! I will keep you updated :]
Chris Seiter
April 23, 2015 at 12:26 am
Thanks Taryn!
Taryn
April 17, 2015 at 12:54 pm
Thank you!!!
Yes persistent does pat off and it’s great. There’s still more learning and growing that we need to do. And he is definitely a commitment phobe, but we’ll work on it. All things are possible and God has gotten is this far. This is only the beginning :]
Chris Seiter
April 20, 2015 at 8:35 pm
Awesome Taryn,
Keep me updated I often think about your situation.
admin
April 7, 2015 at 8:59 pm
TARYN!!!
I was hoping I’d hear from you again.
Man you definitely had to work for this but you got it done.
Persistance pays off ladies. TARYN I am so proud of you.
Danielle
March 29, 2015 at 10:24 am
Hi Chris
I just e-mailed you as I felt like everything I was saying on here was getting lost and I wasn’t able to get proper feedback with the length of my messages haha I hope thats okay. Desperately need your advice!
admin
March 29, 2015 at 1:58 pm
Which email did you send it to?
Danielle
April 4, 2015 at 3:15 am
I sent it to this one: [email protected]
Which one should I resend it to :(?
Danielle
April 1, 2015 at 4:02 am
Hey Chris
Did you get it? It’s a yahoo email address and the title is “Need your advice ASAP please”.
admin
April 2, 2015 at 11:34 pm
I still haven’t gotten it.. .:(
Danielle
April 5, 2015 at 8:37 am
I just sent it again to both [email protected] and [email protected] .
I just realized yesterday that at some point in the last two/three months approx he untagged from every single one of our photographs we had together since we started dating or that I uploade of him solo or with someone else and any that anyone else put up of us except for only one that I put up out of like 200. I have even more questions and concerns now that I updated in the email…. 🙁
Danielle
April 3, 2015 at 5:30 am
Which e-mail should I resend it to?
LadyP
March 13, 2015 at 5:01 am
Ok. Here’s the situation. The ex and I broke up last fall. It was a long term LDR. No one cheated; I’d pin it on communication issues if I had to pick one thing. I have gone through the steps (N.C., self-improvement, etc) not twice but thrice (that book of yours is handy :). The work on myself was for myself and my future first, whether that included him or not. And, presently, my career is taking off and I’m not sure what direction I want to take in dating period. But, I do care for him. I always have. So, out of the blue today, he added me on Facebook again. We have become friendly again via messaging and texts. We had some arguments to be honest a couple months ago, but I believe they were productive. We broke the ice, and then got it all out. I accepted the Facebook request after a couple of hours, but I’m wondering why he all of a sudden added me. Last time it came up, he was opposed to it. So, what does this mean in terms of how he is thinking of me? Slowly letting me in, or am I friend zoned?
admin
March 13, 2015 at 9:18 pm
Glad you like the book!
Seems to me like a combination of the two, both letting you and but maybe holding you at a distance via friend zone.
LadyP
March 15, 2015 at 12:03 am
So…what would you suggest doing? I have been being nonchalant. I haven’t said anything to him, and I haven’t interacted with him there; though we continue to talk in other ways. Also, he added me right after I told him about a job offer I got where I currently live….he lives in another state, btw.
cynthia
March 10, 2015 at 2:29 am
HI chris, my boyfriend of two years and i recently broke up. He decided to end things when he was heated about something that i did “the straw that broke the camels back”-his words. Its been 2 weeks since the breakup, i haven’t contacted him, EXCEPT one time when I thought i was pregnant and i thought he deserved to know. We were just starting out a temporary long distance 3 1/2 hours away from each other. towards the end i began feeling like he was pulling himself away, he wouldn’t call me or skype me and only wanted to ever converse over texting.I was feeling neglected and ME in desperate hopes to NOT lose him, i began to act clingy and needy. I began to feel jealous about his friends that are girls and even went as far as messaging one of them to ask her to back off a little, which resulted in her telling him, which led him to be furious at me and break up with me. MY question to you is, is there still hope for us? he is living with one of his best guy friends (literally, they share a bunkbed) and i’m sure that he pals reassure him he made the best decision to break up with me, even in moments of weakness. So Is there ANY hope for me left??
admin
March 13, 2015 at 4:27 pm
Are you indeed pregnant with his child?
cynthia
March 24, 2015 at 2:30 am
no i wasnt. which i told him, when i found out.
Shuree
March 2, 2015 at 4:26 am
Hi Chris,
I am in a horrible situation. I cheated on my bf and we have LDR. We broke up druing Xmas because he found out. And we were in friend zone until Valentine’s day I visit him. And now we are “back in relationship”. But last night he throw me very bad words and he can’t trust anymore. So i decided to start NC but he has a job audition in 16days and I told him to leave me with my own space. I am not sure if he is coming to take the audition anymore because he was asking If i deserve him to visit me and take the audition to work here next year and be with me. I said I deserve that and told him it’s really up to him. Because i felt i can’t be beging him after how he reacted disrepectful even he agreed to get back. Please tell me if the NC is good idea to contintue and if he is coming for audition NC is gonna be only half of the month. Please tell me your opinion.
Thank you.
admin
March 2, 2015 at 9:44 pm
He is probably frightened of being cheated on by you.