“Today’s episode is going to cover a topic that is very near and dear to my heart…”
These are the exact words I spoke in episode 3 of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.
What is this topic?
Long distance relationships…
It’s funny, I have been quoted as saying that I would never in my life be in a long distance relationship and here I am eating my own words.
(Many of my more loyal readers will know that I was in an LDR with my wife when we are dating.)
My experience in long distance relationships makes me a bit of an expert on the subject which is perfect for today’s episode where we hear from loyal reader Ashley.
Ashley has an ex who,
- Just moved 9 hours away from her
- Has a very tough exterior
- The end of their relationship was plagued with fights
- They had an amazing “hang out” right before he moved
Here is what I am going to be talking about in this amazing episode!
What I Talk About In This Episode
- What is holding her ex boyfriend back right now.
- A few insights I have picked up from my own experience in a long distance relationship.
- How LDR’s Are Always Destined To End
- The importance of making a “PLAN”
IMPORTANT Links I Mention In This Episode
Here are a few helpful long distance relationships guides (even though I don’t technically talk about them in the episode.)
Oh, and for those of you curious about my own experience in a LDR see below,
I also did mention my E-Book,
Oh, and how could I forget episode one of the podcast where Ashley was one of the first people to comment,
Breaking Down The LDR Barrier With An Ex Game Plan
Now Ashley had a unique situation in that she had already done the no contact rule so the plan I formulated for her is broken up into four steps.
Step One- Determine If You Can End Up Together Long Term
LDR’s take a lot out of you so if you don’t think you can end up together long term then it might not even be worth trying for. Please listen to the episode to get more details on why this is so important.
Step Two- Building Emotional Rapport (The Ziegnerik Effect)
Women who can successfully use the Ziegnerik Effect tend to make their exes go crazy over them.
This is going to be essential for breaking down an LDR exes walls.
Again, I outline exactly what the Ziegnerik Effect is in this episode of the podcast.
Step Three- Transitioning From Texts To Phone Calls
Building attraction is vital for someone who is trying to get their ex back.
Now, there is a certain way to go about this process.
In my opinion, you can have the most success if you build attraction first from texting and then transition that to a phone call and pick up where you left off with texting.
Step Four- Plan A Meet Up
If you can get your ex boyfriend to say yes to a meet up then you have really done something amazing. Of course, getting the meet up is all about priming him beforehand with rapport through the Ziegnerik Effect.
How To Be Featured On The Podcast
It’s pretty simple to be featured on my podcast.
All you have to do is visit
And leave a message for me. As long as you have a clear message and voice I will pick it and answer it!
Welcome to Episode 4 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I’m really excited to get this episode started today because we’re going to be covering a topic that is very near and dear to my heart. I’ve had some personal experience with it.
This is about long distance relationships. Today, we’re going to be hearing from a woman named Ashley. Ashley has a bit of an interesting story. She was one of the very first people to comment on the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Every time I create a new episode, I upload it to my website, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery.
A few days ago, I uploaded the very first episode of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast to my website, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. Ashley happened to be one of the very first people to comment. She commented and asked me about her situation. I asked her if she’d be willing to send me a voicemail so that I could feature her question on the podcast. I thought it was so good.
That’s a lesson for all of you. Sometimes the best way to get your questions answered is to send me a message on this podcast. If you’re on the fence about it, don’t be. I will have information on how to send me a message in the show notes of this episode. You can find that at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode4.
Let’s get to the nitty gritty and start with Ashley’s question:
“Hi, Chris. I was with my ex-boyfriend for a little over a year. Our relationship used to be very natural, very easy. It was a really great thing for the both of us. However, these last couple of months, this past fall, we began fighting a lot mainly due to communication issues and how we talk to each other.
That caused a lot of fights. That caused me to be pretty over emotional. I can totally see how that also pushed him away. In a way, breaking up was a good thing for us because it caused me to see the role that I played in our communication issues, which I have since been working on. This is something that he has noticed as well, which is good. When we did break up, I implemented the no contact rule.
He was very happy to hear from me when I did reach out to him. He informed me that he was moving nine hours away, back to where he was from. We did hang out right before he moved and the spark was totally still there. He told me that he still loves me, he’s just really confused because he’s not sure whether or not we are right for each other. Currently, we are on friendly speaking terms but I feel like it’s difficult for me to reach him emotionally. I did really break his heart. Because of that, he has put up a very tough exterior. My question is, how can I break down his walls with him being nine hours away? Thank you.”
Thank you for leaving a voice message for me, Ashley. I want to take a moment out of the show to mention that this was probably one of the most well worded messages I’ve ever heard. It’s almost like you rehearsed it 20 times. It was so well worded. I think you have a future in public speaking.
Listeners, here is Ashley’s question. She wants to figure out how to break down the walls that her ex has up as a result of the long-distance relationship that they find themselves in. I want to quickly recap her situation.
She says the last few months with her ex have been extremely tough. They’ve been fighting a lot. She can see how she was a little bit over emotional and perhaps pushed him away. She has implemented the no contact rule. Kudos to you, Ashley. I’m very proud of you for that. When she did get back in contact with her ex, he informed her that he is going to be moving nine hours away. I’m really sorry about that, Ashley.
That really sucks. They hung out before he moved. The spark was still there, which is a very good sign. He told her that he still loves her but is confused on whether or not they are right for each other. I’m going to dissect that phrase a little bit later. He’s put up a tough exterior as a result of the distance. She wants to figure out how she can break his walls down.
Typically, when we look at breakups, it’s very smart for every woman to look at her specific situation and figure out what caused the breakup, whether it was her, her boyfriend or her husband. I think there is knowledge to be gained from understanding what went wrong. I don’t know Ashley’s situation as intimately as she does. When I look at it, she mentioned that, towards the end, they were fighting a lot. I don’t think that’s going to prevent her from getting him back.
Let’s take the worst situation, cheating. If you cheated on your boyfriend, you have some serious headwind to overcome if you’re going to try to get him back. I look at getting an ex back as a job interview. You want to impress him and put your best foot forward. You want to do everything you can to prove to him that you are the best candidate to take over his love life.
In an interview, you want to figure out your weaknesses and spin them in a way that benefits you. When I look at Ashley’s situation, she mentioned the fighting. I don’t think that’s going to prevent her from getting him back. Breaking up as a result of a fight, or many fights, is a very common breakup reason. I’ve seen a lot of it.
Off the top of my head, right now, what’s holding her boyfriend back is the fact that they’re long distance. Long distance is hard. It’s something that she’s going to have to overcome. When I look at her situation, the biggest challenge I think she’s going to face is overcoming this distance and convincing her boyfriend that, “We can work through the distance. This can work.” I think, right now, her boyfriend is hesitant because of the distance factor.
Now I’m going to dive into my own personal experience with long-distance relationships. I was in a long-distance relationship with my wife. That makes me an expert on this topic. Not only did I experience what a long-distance relationship was like so that I can sympathize with you, Ashley, but I actually married the one that I was in a long-distance relationship with.
Here are the struggles that I think many people have in long-distance relationships. Number one is that a long-distance relationship, at its core, is destined to fail. That might be a shocking thing for you to hear, but understand my mindset here.
Imagine that you are dating someone and you are in a long-distance relationship with them. Let’s say that you are 30 years old. By the time you’re 33 or 34, you want to be married and have kids. You’re 30 years old.
You’re in a long-distance relationship with a guy. You’re not married. The guy has shown no interest in marrying you whatsoever. You’re kind of at a standstill. You have needs and wants. You have goals that you want to achieve. It doesn’t look like this is going to happen. You’re not going to stay in a long-distance relationship forever.
Here are the only outcomes of a long-distance relationship. You can either break up or you can figure out a way to solve the distance, come up with a plan and end up together in a more permanent manner. When I say that, I mean location wise. You are going to be together. That’s the reason I think most long-distance relationships fail. They don’t have a plan like this. You absolutely 100% need a plan. You both need to be on the same page with it.
That’s the beautiful thing about my wife and I. When we first started dating, we came up with a plan immediately. We were a little bit different than your situation, Ashley. We didn’t date before someone moved away in a long-distance manner. We initially were long distance from the beginning. The pressure for us to end up together was there. Both of us had to figure out a way to navigate the plan.
One of the biggest reasons people fail in a long-distance relationship is that they get stuck in a standstill. There’s no overarching plan that causes the two people to end up together in the same location. Someone has to move to someone or you both have to move to a neutral location. That’s what has to happen. Someone has to make a sacrifice.
For my wife and I, that was me. It’s because my job was amenable to changing locations. My wife was a salesperson and she really couldn’t move. I’m some sort of website geek that knows a thing or two about relationships. I had the means to make it work. I had time and money. That is my next point.
The only reason that the plan that we had to end up together worked was because it was possible. I had the time to move. I had the money to move. Not everyone has those luxuries. Sometimes people from separate countries can’t get off work to meet up with each other. They don’t have the money to make a big move.
Many of them don’t have the guts or faith in the relationship to do that. No doubt, it is a scary thing to pick up your life and move for someone when there’s no guarantee of it working out. I got lucky. My wife is an amazing woman. It almost made my decision to move easy. I knew I was going to end up with her. I believed it in my core.
Here’s what we discussed so far. Most long-distance relationships fail, in my opinion, because there is no plan to end up together. If there is a plan, some couples don’t have the means to make the plan work. The means are time and money. For many of the listeners out there in high school and your boyfriends moved away, realistically, you probably don’t have a good shot of getting your ex back. I’m sorry to break the news to you. Those are the facts. Like I said, you need time and money to make this work.
Let me discuss the time factor. I think the money factor is pretty self-explanatory. You need money to travel. You need money to move permanently somewhere. The time factor, on the other hand, is important, too. A lot of people just can’t get off work. Or they’re in school. They can’t just uproot their lives once a month to see their boyfriend or girlfriend.
When my wife and I were dating, every month, we would set time aside for each other. We would see each other at least once a month. There would be these blocks. For example, in the month of May, we would see each other for four to five days. I would visit her. Then she would come and visit me. It would go back and forth until we figured out how we were going to do this and end up together permanently. Everything developed from there.
We were lucky that I work for myself. I don’t have any boss to answer to. She, on the other hand, did have a boss to answer to. She had to put in vacation days. She pretty much used up all of her vacation days for me. I am forever grateful for that. If she wasn’t able to do that, we would not have seen each other for three or four months. That’s staggering. In a long-distance relationship, you need to be seeing the person at least once a month.
Those are my words of wisdom when it comes to long-distance relationships. I’m beating a dead horse at this point. You need to have an overlying plan to end up together in a permanent location. You need to have the time and money to make that plan succeed.
Let’s focus on Ashley’s situation. I want to get to the game plan portion of the episode. For those of you who are new to the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast, I let people call in. I give general knowledge that’s helpful for everyone. At the end of the episode, I focus in and give the particular person who called in a game plan for how to approach their situation.
Here is Ashley’s game plan. Ashley, I want you to know that I thought a long time about this. I spent about 35 to 40 minutes putting this game plan together for you. I really did put a lot of work into this for you. Your situation is a little bit unique. Usually, in your situation, I would recommend to use the no contact rule. You’ve said you already used it.
I’ve come up with four steps to your game plan. I will be posting Ashley’s game plan to the show notes of this episode. This is Episode 4. For those of you who find yourself in a similar situation, look at the game plan and you’ll be good to go.
Step number one is pretty general. First, you need to determine if this relationship is worth your time. You need to determine if that plan is there and if it’s feasible to make the plan work. Here is an example. Maybe you’re in high school. You don’t sound like you are. You’re very well spoken. Some high school kids fumble. You sound like you’re more mature. If you were in high school then it’s probably not a feasible situation to continue.
I’m all about long-term success with relationships. I really want you to succeed, Ashley. In order to give yourself a chance, you need to figure out if this relationship is worth your precious time. Your time is precious. Don’t let some guy take that away from you. Your time is the biggest asset you have.
If everything went perfectly, would your ex-boyfriend be open to a plan to end up together permanently? Would you have the means to make that plan work? I’m assuming that you’re going to say yes. When I tell people that, they almost always say yes. The question that you have in your mind is, “I want a plan to work, but how can I convince him to want the plan to work when he has this tough exterior up?”
It’s all about reaching him on an emotional level. You’re building the emotional rapport you need for him to look at you and say, “My God, I miss her. I need to have her.” That’s step two of the plan. You need to build emotional rapport with your ex. How do you go about that?
How do you create this emotional rapport when your ex is so guarded inside and outside? I want you to utilize something I like to call the Ziegarnik effect. What is the Ziegarnik effect? It’s pretty simple. It’s a psychological principle that says human beings remember uncompleted tasks better than completed tasks. That may sound a little weird. Let me explain it.
I always love to use TV shows as an example. One of my favorite TV shows right now is Game of Thrones. At the end of every single episode of Game of Thrones, there’s a massive cliffhanger. The shows just stops. Something massive happens and you say, “I have to see what happens next.” You have to wait an entire week to see it. That’s the Ziegarnik effect in action.
It means that you’re going to remember an uncompleted task or thing more. You need to utilize this with your ex-boyfriend. When you’re texting him, I want you to treat it like a TV show. In a television show, there’s a plot and there’s a climax. Usually, right before the episode is about to get really good, the show runners stop the episode right there. They know that you have to come back next week and watch. That’s a week-long period where they’re not going to see the audience.
They need to capture their attention somehow and make them remember to come back. A cliffhanger is the perfect way to do that. The Ziegarnik effect ties into this. It’s an uncompleted task. At the end of every single TV show, there’s a cliffhanger. Even that stupid show, Keeping up with the Kardashians, I guarantee there’s a cliffhanger at the end of those episodes. They know they have to keep you hooked to keep you coming back.
Use this principle on your ex. I want you to text him. Get a good conversation going. A good conversation is when he’s responding at a pretty good rate and you’re responding at a pretty good rate. Your word count in the text is high for both of you. You’re having good rapport.
Right when the conversation is about to get good, don’t text him anymore for the rest of the day. Wait until the next day. Keep doing this. Slowly but surely, you’ll find that the traction gets ramped up. You’ll be able to dive into more intimate topics. I don’t mean super intimate. I mean emotional topics. These are topics that you know are going to reach him on an emotional level. The Ziegarnik effect is step two.
Step three is where things start to get fun. If you’re doing things right with the Ziegarnik effect with step two, you’re going to build a lot of good rapport with your ex-boyfriend. You’re going to have some good conversations.
What do you do next? You want to transition from texting to phone calls. There are a lot of ways you can do this. My favorite way is to use a story to your advantage. I want you to start telling a story. Make it up if you have to. Don’t make it so ridiculous that he’ll question it. Make up a story. Tell the story.
Midway through the story in a text message, say, “This is too long. Can I just call you?” or “Can you just call me?” That’s a perfect way to get him to call you. If he’s listening to your story, he’s already hooked. He’s going to be more amenable to saying yes on the phone. Once you get him on the phone, the game is on. You’re on the clock. You need to fascinate him.
In Episode 3 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast, I told an interesting story about what my wife would do to me when we were on the phone. I want you to use that story on your ex, Ashley. I want you to use what my wife did to me on your ex when you get him on the phone. I’m not going to tell you the story. I want you to go back and listen to Episode 3 of the podcast. It’s a great story. I messed up at the end. You can hear the fear in my voice. I’ll leave it at that.
Step three is to transition from texting to phone calls. On the phone calls, you need to fascinate your ex.
Step four is the final step. After you’ve built up enough attraction, you can try for a meetup. You can see each other in person. You’re long distance. You’re nine hours away from your boyfriend. That means that you have to build up enough attraction. You’ll know inside. Your internal aura will sense, “I’ve built up enough attraction for him to say yes to a meetup.” Step four is to get a meetup.
If you build up enough attraction, he will say yes to a meetup. He will want to see you. Once you have him in person, that’s when you have him. If you think about it, he said yes to either traveling to you nine hours away or you traveling to him. That means he’s setting his entire schedule aside for you. That’s a good thing. That means you’re really close to getting him back.
Those are the four steps that I want you to focus on right now, Ashley. Feel free to contact me and keep me updated with your situation. I’d really like to hear all about it. That is the game plan for Ashley.
Listeners, you can go to www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode4 to find the graphic I created for Ashley’s game plan. I’ll be posting Episode 5 tomorrow. I’m very excited for what’s in store.
I want to thank you for listening to the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. If you’re interested in getting your ex back, please check out my website. There’s a lot of helpful information there. If you need a step-by-step game plan to get your ex back, check out my book, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro.
I hope you have a great week or weekend. I’ll see you tomorrow.