Age Gaps With Ex Boyfriends (What They Mean & Do They Matter?)

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

This is a subject that I have wanted to tackle for a long time now. However, for whatever reason I have just never gotten around to it.

As many of you are aware, Ex Boyfriend Recovery gets quite a few comments every single day and through those comments I get to meet you, the reader. I get to hear about the latest relationship troubles you are going through and in some cases I get to hear your whole life story.

(For the record, I am not saying that to be facetious. I really do like hearing your life stories.)

When you have such a communicative fan base you begin to notice a few trends here and there.

When I first started this site every other comment I would receive seemed to be about long distance relationships or what to do if your ex got a new girlfriend. So, when I wrote respective articles covering those topics it only made sense that another trend was bound to pop up and sure enough, in my second year running this site that trend came in the form of the grass is greener syndrome.

Well, now I am in year three and I think I have just located the newest trend that you ladies want to hear about…

Age gaps…

More specifically, you want to know what age gaps mean when you have one with your ex.

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The First Thought You Get About Age Gaps

When I say,

Age Gap

what is the very first thing you think of?

Well, I can only speak for myself but when I think of an age gap between a couple I think of something like this,

age gap
In other words, I think of a couple separated by a minimum of 20+ years.

Now, my loyal readers know me pretty well and they know that when I write one of these massive guides I don’t like being shortsighted with what I am talking about. While I am sure it would be more than satisfactory for me to talk just about massive age gaps between couples the truth of the matter is that most of the women who want their ex boyfriends back don’t have a massive age gap.

In fact, its rare for most couples to have an age gap close to 20+ years.

So, I think it would be a lot more insightful (and fun) to talk about all kinds of age gaps between couples.

In other words, I would like to talk about what it means for a couple who has any type of age gap (or lack of age gap) and the affect that the age gap has on the male.

What Makes Me Qualified To Talk About Age Gaps?

Isn’t it enough that I am awesome and handsome?

Oh, and that I expect you to blindly follow everything I tell you.

Too much?

Relax, I am kidding.

Ex Boyfriend Recovery hit a record last week.

Screen Shot 2015-02-02 at 11.01.29 AM

Yep, we just hit over 40,000 comments on this site which is just incredible to me. Oh, and for the record that isn’t including the 20,000 emails that I have gotten. In essence, what I am saying is that I have personally dealt with over 60,000 women (if you include the emails) with different boyfriends, husbands and lovers. Many of which have had all kinds of age gaps.

So, I don’t think it is a stretch to claim that I have personally dealt with more age gap related situations than many of my peers so that would make me one of the most qualified people online to hear from about this issue.

Of course, you aren’t here to listen to me parade my credentials out.

No, I suspect that you are more interested in how this age gap business affects your current situation with your ex.

Well, there tends to be two schools of thought when it comes to age gaps and relationships…

The Two Schools Of Thought On Age Gaps

two too or to

In this section I am going to be discussing the two major thought processes that most people tend to have when it comes to an age gap between a couple.

What are the two schools of thought?

  1. That the bigger the age gap the less likely it is that the relationship will last.
  2. That age is just a number and doesn’t really matter.

At this point you are probably wondering what I believe.

After all, I have seen a lot in my time here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery so what the heck is the truth?

Well, I am going to tell you what I believe in a second but first I think it is really important that we grasp what these two schools of thought are trying to say since there is a lot of useful insight in each “school.”

Theory One- “The Bigger The Age Gap The Less Likely It Is That The Relationship Will Last”

i gurantee it

People who believe this theory believe that the more time that separates a couple the more they are doomed to end.

For example, lets say that you and I are dating and you are 22 years old and I am 62 years old.

(It’s a bit extreme but stick with me here…)

Well, that means that there are 40 years separating us.

At 62 I probably have kids (as old as you,) ex wives (if I am dating you,) health problems and my looks have faded a bit (I am still one handsome devil!)

At 22 you probably have no kids, you haven’t been married before, you are very healthy and your looks are at their peak.

Realistically, if we were dating and had this big of an age gap then what is it that we are getting out of the relationship?

At 22 you are probably looking for a good time but you probably also want something that can potentially go somewhere.

I am also assuming that you want kids in the future and at 62 it isn’t likely that I will want them anymore.

So, what is it that we are getting out of the relationship?

Companionship?

Hmm… probably not because at 62 I am a bit standoffish.

Money?

You are young and poor… I am old and rich… Do you see where I am going with this?

Sex?

You are looking for a good time… I am looking for a good time… This does some more likely.

When you look at it like that it doesn’t seem like these are ingredients for a successful relationship, does it?

I mean, on paper it looks like we are at completely different points of our lives.

It almost seems like we are destined to fail.

This is what is at the core of this theory.

The fact that the bigger the age gap the more likely it is that the relationship won’t last.

Of course, there are always two sides to every coin so lets take a look at the other side of this coin.

Theory Two- “Age Is Just A Number And Doesn’t Really Matter”

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People who are in this camp tend to be the ones who put all their faith in love.

They believe that no matter the age gap true love will conquer all.

In other words, a 40 year old can fall in love with a 20 year old and end up happily ever after.

Now, logically when you look at a statement like that and you probably shake your head and think to yourself,

“That would never work…”

But you would be wrong.

There are plenty of examples of couples with large age gaps that not only ended up together but stayed together.

In the end it all boils down to the people in the relationship themselves.

It’s easy to throw a relationship away but if both people are willing to try to make things work then splitting up shouldn’t be a problem at all.

Like I said, people who believe theory two are the romantics.

What I Believe Based On What I Have Seen

believe it

I believe in a hybrid of these two theories.

The truth is that I have seen breakups from all across the board.

Same age couples splitting…

Medium age gap couples splitting…

Large age gap splits…

The truth is that the breakup devil is capable of visiting everyone no matter what the age gap. So, that tells me that what it all really boils down to is the individuals themselves in relationships that make them work.

In other words, theory two seems to be more on point than theory one.

HOWEVER…

I can’t deny the fact that couples with LARGE age gaps tend to have a higher percentage of splitting up when compared to same age couples or even medium age gaps. Oh, and when couples with a large age gap between them do end up staying together they are rarely happy since they are at completely different points in their lives.

So, that tells me that there is some truth to the people who spout theory one.

Ah, but this begs an interesting question.

What do I consider to be a LARGE age gap?

20+ years…

In other words, if you are twenty and your ex boyfriend is forty then that means that the two of you are separated by a large age gap and are more likely to break up or be unhappy.

To recap my thoughts on these theories,

  • Same age couples seem to be reliant on the individuals.
  • Medium age gap couples also seem to be reliant on the individuals.
  • Large age gap couples seem destined to fail based on what I have seen.

Lets now turn our attention to the three major types of age gaps in relationships.

What Are The Four Major Types Of Age Gaps In Relationships?

four

Are there only three types of age gaps when it comes to relationships?

Truthfully…

No, there are a lot more than four.

However, something tells me you would get a bit annoyed if I went down the list like this,

1 year age gap…

2 year age gap…

3 year age gap…

4 year age gap…

And so on and so forth.

So, in an effort to make things a bit easier for you to process I have decided to structure the age gaps into four different categories,

  • Close Age Gap (1-5 years apart)
  • Medium Age Gap (6-10 years apart)
  • Big Age Gap (11-15 years apart)
  • Large Age Gap (15+ years apart)

Lets take a look at each one of these categories.

Close Age Gap (1-5 Years Apart)

same age gap

(She is one year older than him.)

I have to say that most of the relationships I have encountered throughout my time here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery fall into this category.

That means that this is probably the most common age gap between couples.

Oh, and if you didn’t notice, the close age gap is defined as a couple who is either one to five years apart.

In other words, if you are 23 and your boyfriend is 25 then your age gap would fall into this category.

A Word About Being Five Years Apart If You Are Young

Many of the younger readers of this article probably saw the five year age gap and started freaking out.

After all, there is a major difference between someone who is 15 years old and 20 years old.

In my mind it all boils down to maturity.

Someone who tends to be on the younger side in the “close age gap” probably isn’t going to be as mature as someone who is on the older side of the age gap.

(Not to mention that a 20 year old probably shouldn’t be dating a 15 year old but I am going to try not to judge.)

Where do I get this logic from?

How about my own personal experience.

I went to High School eleven years ago.

….

Oh my god…

I am old…

Anyways, when I was in High School I was a bit of a late bloomer when it came to dating.

In fact, I didn’t go on my first date until I was a senior…

(Hey, I didn’t judge you so you don’t judge me.)

Unfortunately, I ended up going on a date with a girl that was younger than me by three years.

I think I was 18 and she was 15.

Now, I didn’t really think anything of the age difference at the time but after the date I certainly did.

I think really what made me realize there was a major maturity difference was when she had some candy and just like a little kid started running around her house like this…

jack sparrow

I literally remember thinking,

“Was there some type of drugs in that candy?”

At the beginning of the date I was looking forward to having a good time with this girl and potentially having a relationship with her until the minute I saw her acting like a child because of candy. It was such an immature thing to do.

My point is simple, when you are younger then these age differences matter more. It is for this reason that different rules apply to my younger readers.

What are these rules?

Well, if you are in high school then you need to be around one year apart to be on the same maturity level I have found. Usually that wouldn’t be the case if you were older but it is.

I mean, imagine a 14 year old dating a 17 year old…

or worse…

A 14 year old dating an 18 year old…

Look, this isn’t like Buffy The Vampire Slayer (Hardcore EBR Readers know about my fascination with that show) where you can date someone who is 200 years older than you and be on the same maturity level.

No, this is real life where age differences in high school do actually affect the maturity of a person.

Of course, if you aren’t in high school then different rules probably apply to you.

A Word About Being Five Years Apart If You Are Older

Imagine this…

Imagine that you are 25 and the person you are dating is 30.

Well, I would consider this to be a pretty close age gap.

Notice how a five year age difference mattered a lot when you were younger but as you grow older it isn’t that big of a deal.

At 25 you are probably looking for something more serious (marriage) and at 30 your boyfriend is probably at the same point of his life.

As long as you are both at the same point of your life then things are looking good and there shouldn’t be any problems as a result of the close age gap.

Oh, that’s an interesting topic..

Can the close age gap be a contributing factor to the breakup with your ex?

The Close Age Gap And Your Ex

It goes without saying that since most of the relationships I see have a pretty close age gap that I deal with a lot of breakups in this area.

So, in all of my infinite wisdom and experience have I found any way that this age gap affects you and your ex.

You know, when I take a step back and look at this from a birds eye view usually I can point to a relationship and tell you whether or not age/maturity played any type of role in a breakup.

I have to say that usually when it comes to the “close age gap” it is rare that a breakup can occur because of an age problem.

Now, the one modification I would like to make with that statement is when it comes to our younger viewers.

Remember the funny story I told above about my first high school date?

Well, the reason that, that was such a bizarre experience for me was the fact that I felt way more mature than that girl. Sure, only three years separated us but after seeing her run around all crazy like it became clear to me that we were on different planets when it came to maturity.

Oh, and just to clarify this girl running around wasn’t meant to be like the cute/sexy playful running around that my wife does when I am playfully chasing her.

This girls running around literally felt like a little kid who had too much chocolate and is annoying you by running around because they got too excited.

So, if you are younger and in high school and you and your ex broke up then age/maturity could have played a role in my opinion.

The Medium Age Gap (6-10 Years Apart)

7 yeasr apart

(They are seven years apart)

This is without a doubt my favorite age gap to talk about because couples who have this age gap are often at an amazing time in their lives.

As a general rule, couples who have a medium age gap are older and more mature and that’s where fun things like marriage come into play with relationships.

I mean, rarely will you see a young couple separated by six, seven, eight, nine or ten years.

Can you imagine a 15 year old girl dating a 25 year old man?

(I am going to judge on this one.)

If I had a daughter who was 15 and she brought home a 25 year old guy I would definitely be all over this guys case.

“Are you trying to take advantage of my daughter?”

“Why is it that you feel the need to go after high school girls when you can’t get someone your own age?”

“Why is it that you find a high school girl more attractive than a full grown woman?”

Hey, I am a Taurus so I am allowed to be protective.

Generally speaking couples with this age difference fall in their mid-twenties to mid-thirties and it is at this age when both men and women are looking for a life partner which makes things really interesting when you are looking at age gaps and ex boyfriends.

The Medium Age Gap And Your Ex

The medium age gape is defined as couples who are 6 to 10 years apart.

Generally speaking couples this far apart still have a lot in common and as we established above usually tend to be a bit older and mature. It is for this reason that couples in the medium age gap range are looking for more serious commitments like marriage.

Now, most men are going to look at settling down with someone but there are always going to be those special cases of men that get freaked out by a deep commitment like marriage.

I am going to give you two examples to illustrate my point.

  • Example One- A man (25) is dating a woman (32)
  • Example Two- A woman (25) is dating a man (32)

Example One

Lets say that you are 32 years old and your boyfriend is 25.

You have never been married before and at 32 you are receiving a lot of pressure to settle down from friends and family. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, is still in party mode a little bit. While deep down he does recognize that with your age you will be looking for a deep commitment he is just coasting through life enjoying what little moments he can.

In other words, he really isn’t looking to settle down for a few years.

This kind of puts you at odds with each other.

You are looking for a deeper commitment…

He is looking to just have fun and enjoy life…

You can see where this is leading, right?

Example Two

Example two is very different than example one for a lot of reasons.

For this example we are going to assume that your boyfriend is 32 and hasn’t ever been married before.

Now, at 25 you probably aren’t looking to settle down for a few more years and that is just fine since at 25 you are more than entitled to have a good time here or there.

Of course, I can’t help but notice that your boyfriend at 32 hasn’t ever settled down before. You would think that at 32 a man would be looking for something. Unfortunately, your boyfriend hasn’t. In fact, when you really think about it he is still in party mode.

While his age may be 32 he is still a 23 year old kid at heart.

Now, this is completely fine if you are 25 (looking to just have some fun) and he is 32 (looking to just have some fun.) Of course, what is the one constant in this life?

Change!

You aren’t always going to just want to have fun…

No, eventually in a few years you are going to start wanting something more.

Something like marriage.

Now, here is the problem with that. If at 32 your boyfriend hasn’t advanced to a level where he is looking to settle down then he probably isn’t going to want to for a very long time.

A good example off the top of my head is George Clooney.

At 33 George Clooney wasn’t married (he had been married previously but that doesn’t help my point.)

Clooney wouldn’t get married again until he was 53 years old.

That is 20 years without a serious commitment.

Now, if we turn our attention back to the example in which you are 25 then that means you would be 45 by the time you would be married to your boyfriend assuming he has the same type of mindset as a Clooney.

Something tells me you aren’t too thrilled with the idea of waiting until you are 45 to get married

The Big Age Gap (11-15 Years Apart)

13 years apart

(They are 13 years apart)

I would consider a big age gap between a couple to be somewhere between 11 to 15 years apart.

That means that,

If you are 30 then your boyfriend would be 45.

or

If you are 25 then your boyfriend would be 40.

or

If you are 20 then your boyfriend is 35.

I think you get it.

Couples with these big age gaps tend to be of a rarer breed. However, I will say that I have seen a lot of situations like this and I don’t have great news…

If you have a big age gap then the odds are starting to stack against you. Now, I won’t say that the odds are completely against you because a couple who is a bit older 30+ years can find ways to make their relationships work but when you are dealing with young women or young men who are going after 40 year old’s I do see some problems.

Call me old school but I believe a successful relationship is defined as one that goes somewhere (likely marriage.)

I just have a hard time believing that a 25 year old can make a 40 year old commit to them.

There is just too big of an age gap.

Lets take a more in-depth look at this particular age gap.

Insight On A 25 Year Old Man and A 40 Year Old Woman

Lets say that you are 40 years old and your boyfriend is 25 years old.

Your boyfriend is deeply in love with you and wants to settle down with you.

Now, at 40 you have been through your fair share in life. You may have a few kids, a few exes and have been hardened from these experiences.

Your boyfriend, at 25, hasn’t really had these types of experiences yet.

Now, he is in love with you and what do men who are deeply in love tend to do?

They propose…

This might be a problem since your boyfriend is still very young and probably wants a family. Now, this wouldn’t be a problem if you were 30. However, the fact that you are 45 means that having children is going to be quite difficult. In fact, the odds are really against you there.

So, you are faced with a very tough situation as a result of the age gap.

You love your boyfriend and he loves you but realistically you won’t be able to bear his children and start a family with him.

These are the type of situations you can potentially face with a big age gap like this.

Of course, that is just one situation within the relationship.

Lets go outside the relationship and look at more external issues you will face.

What Society Thinks Of Your Big Age Gap

I am going to make this simple for you…

Society doesn’t like big age gaps.

Let me give you an example.

If you go to Google and type in the phrase,

“Hollywood Gold Diggers”

You are going to be greeted with 10 results all about young women who marry older men. The thought here is that these young women have married the older men just to get their money. This is essentially what society thinks about women who date older man.

Oh, and I haven’t even gotten to the best part yet..

Society isn’t the only entity that dislikes big age gaps.

Your family won’t either…

I can’t tell you how many times I have received an email from women that goes like this,

“Chris… I want my ex back… BLAH BLAH BLAH (here comes the interesting part) but my parents can’t get over the age difference. They keep telling me that he is not serious and that he is just using me. What should I do?”

I recently wrote an article about friends and family who disagree with you trying to get back with your ex where I talk about this effect in much greater detail.

Of course, the gist kind of goes like this…

Don’t expect to have a lot of your friends or family on your side when you are trying to get your ex back ESPECIALLY if you are trying to get one back where there is a big age gap between you.

Now, the obvious question to ask at this point is,

Why?

Why is it that society, friends and family disagree with big age gaps so much?

Because it’s taboo or not normal.

Think of it like this, when people look at a normal couple they usually envision two people who are one to five years apart and generally most couples do fall between this age gap. So, that is what society is used to.

Of course, when society, friends or family are confronted with an age gap that exceeds the norm there is a negative connotation that surrounds it.

All you have to do is look at the gold digger example I gave above to see that.

Large Age Gap (15+ Years Apart)

Michael Douglas And Catherine Zeta-Jones Split

(These two are 25 years apart.)

Here we are…

The final age gap.

This age gap is probably the rarest ones to see but I have seen it before. In fact, I actually remember the last time I saw it.

A woman had contacted me about wanting her ex boyfriend back.

He was 65 and she was 28.

In other words, there was a 37 year age difference between them.

How this guy got this girl is beyond me but what mattered was the fact that the girl seemed to be genuinely upset about the breakup and was willing to do anything to get him back.

I know this is going to sound horrible but as I was reading her story I couldn’t help but wonder a few things,

  • How did this 65 year old man manage to win the heart of a 28 year old?
  • What the heck did the 28 year old girl get out of the relationship?

I didn’t have the guts to ask the girl any of these things so I just focused on trying to help her get him back.

“Ok, use the no contact rule on him.”

She told me that she was going to but she doubted that he would reach out to her.

“Why?”

She told me that he was a bit older so he wasn’t very versatile with technology. He didn’t text or have any type of social media preference.

“Dang… How the heck do you influence someone when you don’t have the technology to even make it work?”

It was at this point that I came to a realization.

This man and this woman are at completely different points of their lives and therein lies the problem,

My Major Issue With The Large Age Gap

I am all about helping women not only get back with their exes but keep their exes when they get them back.

If you visit the sales page for my E-Book, you will notice that I cite multiple examples where I have not only helped women get back with their ex boyfriends but they have actually taken the next step and got married.

And therein lies the problem….

With the large age gap that outcome is not as likely.

I am not saying it is impossible because it is definitely not impossible but it is very unlikely.

Lets take our example above of the 28 year old girl who wants her ex boyfriend back who happens to be 65.

Well, I have a hard time believing that at 65 this guy is going to want to get married. Now, I could be completely wrong and he may not want to be alone for the last half of his life but based on what I have seen it probably isn’t happening.

So, my major problem with the large age gap really revolves around the fact that a long lasting commitment like marriage is probably not going to happen.

February 1, 2017

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

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What Do You Think? (72)

  1. Larissa - 0

    Larissa

    Short background : Me and my ex were never “officially ” toghter but we did everything as a couple does . Feel in love , met friends and family , always out / and spent almost everyday toghter. We are 15 years apart . 20 and 34 Borh no kids . . He broke up with me at the end of January I begged for him back for a month. We started talking again and he left me again march said he needed space .after a little argument. Two days later I texted him accusing him of something he said mean things like “stay out of my life ” “your desperate” but ended the convo by saying he did love me and care about me and hopes I find happinesss.

    Age was a issue to him not me

    4 days later I texted him accusing him of the same thing he told me he missed me and later that night I asked if he really did . He said “of course I do Larissa I miss you all the time ” I suggested we hang out sometime no response . I called no answer . 3 days later I found out he wasn’t lying about what I accused him of. I texted to apologize no response I texted 3 more times no response

    Should I just move on ? I was headed to a place we often talked about going to tomorrow . I was thinking about sending him a “guess what ” text after I go about that and seeing what he says. Or is that a bad idea.

    He told me about no contact when he left me at the end of January. So we both know about it
    I know about no contact but I really don’t want to do that for so long since we were “officially ” toghter and since our age gap .

    He was my first love I know I’m not his but I know he did love me .

    Reply
    • Larissa - 0

      Larissa

      Oh yeah we have been dating 1 year and 7 months . With a 1and a half month break last summer and a one month break in February

    • Larissa - 0

      Larissa

      Sorry for the double comments this last break up I’m referring to was on march 12th . And just to add , we both were fine with not being completely official .

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Larissa

      he knows about the no contact rule literally? Right now, you’re not raising your chances by chasing him.. it’s like you’re proving to him that you are indeed immature.. you really have to risk losing him so you can raise your value, respect, dignity and attraction…Be an ungettable girl..Check this one:
      The Ungettable Girl

  2. Scott - 0

    Scott

    Hi am Scott…recently my girlfriend and i of 8 years broke up. It was a messy break-up because my ex is well a bit crazy and hateful. The relationship was doomed from the start in my opinion because she had just got out of a disaster of a relationship, she was on lithium, drinking, smoking and living with her brother. I lost my job in 2015 and this contributed to our downfall. We broke up in January and allready she is dating someone. She is 36 and this guy is in his early 50’s. She has 3 kids 17,12,11 and she has some trouble paying all the bills. Is she with this guy because of his money? Does she genuinely like this guy or is she using him as a way to get over me?.. Please reply I love her still but i feel that i may lose her forever

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Scott,

      Honestly, she sounds like a toxic person.. So, her reasons for being with that man can be selfish too. But right now, do you want to try the no contact rule? Even if you haven’t talked, if you were not focused in improving yourself and in being active in social media, that’s not considered a no contact period.

  3. Secret garden - 0

    Secret garden

    I’m 44 and he is 32. We love each other so much. I have 2 kids: 18 and 9. Both are girls. We are middle class. We are hight educated. I look younger than my age about 10 because I’m Asian. Most of people can’t tell my age and even can’t tell I have kids, mean I’m in good shape. It’s an affair because I’m still in marriage status but it’s not a good relationship because i don’t want to be close to my husband as he abuses me and my kids verbally and sometime physically to my kids, but not me. I’m thinking about divorce but not sure yet. We just broke up with me 2 days ago after I emailed him to ask him what he thought about our future. He said he love me so much but he think both of us are suffering if we are together. He is not American. We are both from diffident country and culture. After I applied No Contact rum he still emailed me everyday from morning till night to say I love you and he feel lost, etc. we have a song, very romantic song that I always play to remind me about our secret love. I still cried everyday when I listen to his song . I think the future is not clear for us but I still want him back some how as I know we are suffering when we are seperated.
    We’ve been together for more than 4 years.
    My marriage is not good also because we were not in love as it is arranged marriage kind and its also my rebound.
    Please advice.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Secret Garden,

      Nothing that starts right, ends right. You have to make it right somewhere in the way. We don’t encourage getting divorce but if your marriage is abusive,whether you have an affair or not, why are you staying in that marriage?

      I think you know the right thing to do, it’s just that you’re not brave enough to do it.

  4. Lynn - 0

    Lynn

    very interesting post i must say. i must admit i have mixed feelings about it. but to some extent it gave closure.
    i am a 24 year old young lady and my ex is 45 years old this year. we were together for a year. everything was great, he is everything I’ve always wanted and dreamed of. he too admitted he liked the fact that i was too mature for my age, independent and had a good giving heart. however, my our age difference didn’t bothered me. i remember one day he told me if i was 10 years older, he would thank the Gods. whenever he got over the age gap, we would call me his wife and mother of his kids. i didn’t really care about the age gap, i loved being with him. we fell in-love. at least that’s what i think. he was once in a relationship with his baby mamma who left him and got married. taking his daughter into her marriage. i have wondered a lot what the problem could had been when he dumped me. thought it could be commitment phobia.
    i cried a lot the night he broke up with me. it was so sudden. came out of no where. told me the age gap was huge. he felt he was being selfish. he needs me to do what my age peers are doing. as for him he is already planning for early retirement. he did mention social opinion. if we would feel comfortable around our friends and family or vice versa.

    yes the age difference is huge but i don’t care. i cherish my happiness. i want him back. i just don’t know to convince and show him that its all in his head. help

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi lynn

      Did you hint at wanting to get married anytime soon? I think what he meant is that he needs to see you live your life and not rush things..

  5. kim - 0

    kim

    Hi Chris. I will try to explain my situation despite the fact that my first language is french. So sorry if it’s not clear. I’m 34 and my ex is 22. We know each other for about 4 years and we were together for 3 ½ years. Yes, I am his first serious love. I have two childrens (12 and 11). It was love at first sight and we became friends first because I was with someone at this time. He was the one who help me to be ok after the breakup and that even though he was in love with me. Naïve and beautiful love from someone who never had experienced a long relationship with a women. My friends describe me as someone really charismatic. I laugh hard. I love peoples. I am funny and bright. He was perfect for me and i the last week, we were still very attracted to each other. It’s a man who’s really passionate by sports (single, he would prefer a day of his sport than a date with a beautiful women) He really loves to go in bar, but he don’t try to seduce and he is not trying to meet women in this context. We were together because I made the first move and I was his type of girl. He looks like 26 and me 30 so it’s not a big deal for others (maybe for his parents, that’s what I have discovered this week…)

    He was really implicate with my kids, really helpful with everything in the house, really serious for a boy of his age – he said that his adolescence was not serious and that he did not feel to continue partying that much. We were both students with part time job. During the last two months, it was more difficult to deal with money issues and now I understand that he was really stressed about that, more that i tought. I was tired, more than usual. Insecure about his love and my qualities – it’s my weakness, i know. This year I had more homework so really really often, he was doing the cooking (he told me that he loved that and always said to me “no, no, do your thing”.) The only thing he did not want to sacrifice was his time for his sport and he was always saying that never he could find a girl more comprehensive than me about that. During our four years, we had a few times to deal with his lies. Probably because He don’t always know how to place his limits and he was trying to spare myself troubles. I was trying to be careful about that, but… Last week, after a big weekend and two weekends where he could not do his sport (because he was with me in another city for my studies) he got really mad when he saw that I was not welcoming and really happy at the end of the day when he came back (i was really tired and sad for others littles things) and I made the mistake of asking him if we could find a way to see ourself more this summer (he want to do his passion each weekend, but he was open to invite me). So we try to talk a little bit. We go outdoor for a commission and he was really mad and I didn’t saw it. Finally, he finished what he has to do and i came back home alone. After that, when he arrived, he was upset. Telling me that it was too much and he needed to breathe. He went for two days at his parents home and came back telling me that it was finish. That it was time for him to listen his needs… I was SO preoccupied by his needs… Asking him if it was okay, if he was fine with everything. Trying to respect him, always.

    The week before he was as in love as usual, telling me that I was THE women that he wanted. He never seems to doubt, really. Never cheated. He seems to be really in love and was always saying so. And know, he says that he thought I was more a friend (he never acted only like a friend during our relationship), that something had broken. His parents wanted him to stay at home with them, cooking for him, helping him with money issues… and me, I understand now that he was really doing too much, but the rest of our life was lighthearted, sweet, perfect. All our friends, my kids, my parents, were as surprised as me. My first reaction was to beg for him, not yelling, just so surprised… The next day I saw him, I had already read a lot… And I told him that I would respect his choice, but that we should be friends. We had a night in a bar (not a big city – was not a plan) with friends and we were like friends – but I was really too effusive, too like I am in the real life. A lot of boy were looking for me (I didn’t want that and we laughed a bit about that). The next day we talked about that. He seems curious when i told him that a man asked to go at my home and he finished by saying “ah… you know it would be fine with me”. My heart broke a little bit more. Since his first departure from our house, he is drinking each night. Taking drugs sometimes. Don’t think he looks for women, but trying to have fun and to not think that I could be sad. Since, I read your blog and everything and I start the no contact rules (really not the way i am in life usually – i am impulsive when it’s time to give love – he is most certainly surprised by me). Yesterday, i was proud that I didn’t wrote anything, but we met at the grocery with my son… We had to talk. Nothing special. During the breakup talk, he said that I was maybe too fragile and that I had too be handle with care – so he was not able to speak and tell his limits. I really am a sensible women and it’s not the first time that someone tell me that, but I am way stronger than what i look and he i think he had forget it (my fault, i know). SO (i know I have wrote too much – so sorry), I’m not sure if the fact that he is younger than me (with something reaaaally old in his body and head) should convince me to just forget about this relation… I love this man more than I would ever think and I’m sure it was the same thing him, but now i just don’t know. He can be really rational and now it’s a bit frightening for me. I just can’t imagine him with another women (one of his friends said the same thing) but I think that my way of living – with my kids- can be too much for him (for what he think he can deal with). My son is doing sports with him and they are friends, but the life of each day can be strenuous. (He said he was really ok with the family life but don’t want kids and me i would think about it if he asked for, but I’m ok with my two kids.) Do you think there is a chance to read a nice ending? Do you have an advice for after the no contact period. His birthday will be in ten days. I’m not sure what to do. I just hope I will try to seduce him again despite the fact that now he knows what it is to be with me.

    Thank your for your site, your work. It is really helpful and inspiring, X

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Kim,

      thanks for writing your story.. don’t greet him.. stay strong in nc and be active in improving yourself..

  6. Jennifer - 0

    Jennifer

    My ex and I were only 3 years apart (me 32 and ex 29) and we were together 12 years. After the breakup we talked a little but then the ex met a girl who was 17 at the time (thought she was 19 cause she said she was), and then found out she was lying next about her age so they broke up and we started talking again. I gave my ex an ultimatum to either stop talking to her or I’ll leave, so I left, I wasn’t having that. The my ex ended up getting “serious” with this girl and moved her in one week after she turned 18, and only about a month of being serious because “that’s the best way to get to know someone”, all the while telling me that ex has doubts about the girl but needs to find out why. So I cut off all contact, didn’t respond to anything, like I had disappeared, and I worked on improving myself. I lost a bunch of weight and got healthy and made so many new friends. Then she lies to ex about a drug addict friend being at their house while ex is gone for the weekend and I get a ton of texts saying “I never should have left, I miss you, you were always the best choice for me, I knew the truth would come out, I should have listened to my heart, blah blah”, and I fell for it. Then a couple days later nothing, they had worked it out. Now after only 5 months of being serious and 3.5 months of living together they are apparently engaged??? I’m not sure what to make of it. I miss my ex and would love to work it out but not sure what to do.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jennifer,

      move on from him.. if he comes back..make him work for it first before giving your full trust.

  7. Danielle - 0

    Danielle

    I interesting article…
    I was (until 2 days ago) dating a guy 10 years younger. I’m 42 and he is 32.
    Neither of us ever believed we would fall for each other. Once we began to get close and feelings began to get real, he panicked. This has been a struggle for at least a year now.
    He has told me that our relationship is perfect and he has never been in a better relationship but he would never view us as long term because of the age gap. He feels although we are great now, the gap will separate us too much later. Like say, 50 and 60.
    I do believe the medium age gap is more difficult when the woman is older.
    Two years is hard to walk away from. It’s too bad that the value of our chemistry and connection does not carry more weight.

    Reply
  8. Teri - 0

    Teri

    Hi my ex is 35 and I’m 47.
    He has two kids and I have 3. We’ve been on again and off again since Oct 2014 (1.5 years)
    He would always seem to freak out and end things after a few months saying the big gap in ages of our kids it wouldn’t work.. His youngest is 5 and mine is 18.
    In Oct we were on again and me and my daughter moved in to his place.
    His family was very accepting of this and thought i was a great match for him. They welcomed my kids and his kids loved having older step brother and sisters.
    Things were great between him and i as we are very similar in that were home bodies and have alot in common. He always has said i’m his best friend and he can tell me anything and i accept him for who he is, which I do and feel the same way about him. Sex was never an issue either and we also had that going for us too.
    The only issue that caused problems was that in late jan 2016 I found out he was in contact with his ex that he dated briefly( for a month) last summer during one of our off moments.
    I didn’t like that he was talking to her, and I found out after he had brought new puppy to see her.
    He assured me they were just friends etc and it was over long time ago.

    About 2 1/2 weeks ago he said I should find a place as he doesn’t think it will work saying that when he’s 40 i’ll be 50 something etc etc and I will die first.And also his kids don’t have kids same age to play with at his place like they do at their mom’s house ( she lives with a man and he has younger kids too)

    He said he was going to hisfriend Mark’s that night but his mom and I found his car in visitor parking at his ex’s house. This was his mom’s idea as she remembered where his ex’s street was and she thought something wasn’t right.
    We obviously got into a huge fight over this when he got home later. He said they weren’t sleeping together but admitted he wanted to persue a relationship with her. His original reason for them not working out was that she didn’t have much income, she smoked too much dope and her two boys were annoying.
    I moved into the office and started looking for places. He said there was no hurry and to take as much time as I needed but obviously I didn’t want to stay any longer than necessarry as he visits her and his phone is always going off. The place i’ve found isn’t available till May 1.
    Things have been strained.
    He flip flops between being cold and distant to being politely friendly.
    This is hard for me as I still havn’t had alot of time to deal with my feelings plus having to see him and his way of acting towards me hurts alot.
    We went from being so close to being like enemies.
    He still sees her I know and I have made the occassional comment about this.
    He unfriended me on facebook as a result about a week after he broke up with me.
    What should I do?
    I love him and feel like we are worth it.
    I think he is searching for something that doesn’t exist as he has gone through alot of girls since his kid’s mom and him separated in 2013. I was the only woman he ever lived with besides his ex wife.
    He recently quit drinking alcohol as he was a heavy drinker .
    He quit drinking 2 days before he broke up with me.
    Is there a chance for him and I?
    What advice would you give me?
    Thank you Teri

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      HI Teri,

      what bothers me, is he have been making since excuses since that beginning. Whether it was your age difference or your children’s age difference. If he really loves you he would be honest. If I were you, I would move on because it looks like, yes, you get along, but he doesn’t see you as long term because of his actions.

  9. Ayana - 0

    Ayana

    Hello there. Me(22) and my on and off ex boyfriend (42) recently broken up. I quickly applied the NC. It’s been 3 days now and I plan to complete the NC.
    We broke up before and I did the NC rule 2 months ago. It worked! We got back and we tried to make the relationship work. But we ended up breaking up again. He initiated the break up telling me that he does feel that I am special and that he thinks he wants to spend the rest of his life with but he needs a breather. We’ve been together for 2 years.
    But I am afraid that maybe this time he won’t get back with me as I’ve learned that he already started organising house parties and inviting girls over and socialising. It is as though he is moving on…. What do I do?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Ayana,

      if he said he needs a breather, did that mean you saw or talked to much to each other? You can try again nc but expect that it may not work like before or it will take longer

  10. Nikki - 0

    Nikki

    Hi Chris,

    I am dating a 17 year old, I’m 35. He is so in love with me and I am too. He keeps reassuring me that he wants to be with me forever. He says in 5 years he wants to marry me. He’s been on his own since he was 14. Homeless several times and fending for himself for years. He still acts like a 17 year old sometimes, ie video games and staying out late. He doesn’t have any friends because he now lives in a different city with me. The hardest thing is worrying if he’ll still love me in 5 or 10 years when I don’t look so young. (Not that I’m the youngest woman out there! lol). My husband of 3 years left me 8 months ago for another woman, our marriage was horrible, he treated me so badly, and this 17 year old treats me better than any man I’ve been with. We get along so well, we enjoy the same things, we’re homebodies, besides the late nights out driving around, which are the hardest part because he is looking for work and I work full time. I don’t make a lot of money. I make $11 an hour. So he isn’t with me for money. I don’t have any kids, he does. A two year old whom he lost his right to when he was 15 because of his law troubles and not being able to provide for his child. But he cries now about it now every now and again we he talks about it. He wishes he could be in his daughters life but feels like he is doing the right thing because his daughter now calls another man her daddy and he doesn’t want to confuse her. He feels like he is doing the right thing. He tells me he isn’t with me because he lacked a family life with his parents. His dad wasn’t in his life very much and his mom didn’t really show him the love and support she should have. But he is kind and caring and very thoughtful. We know each other inside out. He says I’m the first person he’s ever truly loved and felt loved in return. He says he doesn’t care about our age. He even wants to have a baby in two years. But my sister won’t talk to me anymore, some of my friends don’t talk to me, and I’m terrified to tell my parents and family about us. Because he does look and act 17 sometimes, but he has an old soul and people just can’t see the love and support he gives me. Him and this man lived in my basement apartment for five months before I realized I was in love with him and he tried to “get with me” those months, which I constantly turned him down, but one night I caved and I told him to come up at 3 in the morning. I was in a relationship for a month with a 41 year old who was willing to move to another country for me, but I knew I didn’t love him enough for him to do that. He was obsessive and constantly asking questions and I hated that. I wanted my freedom, but then 17 year old won my heart. He moved away, back to his home town 4.5 hours away. I messaged him everyday, trying to convince him to move in with me, because he was living with this man whom I found out was some kind of “creeper”. I spoke with his cousins for weeks because he wouldn’t talk to me because he said he loved me too much and couldn’t come in because he wanted to be with me, not just live with me. One night his cousins called me and told me to go get him. I did. He didn’t know I was coming, but when he found out he was so happy and knew I loved him enough to do that. Now, two months later, in a new relationship, I’m more happy than I ever was. Problem is, he doesn’t work and I’m finding it hard financially. And the late nights are killing me because he sleeps until almost 5 every day. I’m hoping that will change soon. I feel like we are on the same path right now. I am selling my home that I’ve owned with my husband, and have to move out and I am not in a permanent job so I am still looking for that security. The 41 year old man made $12,000 a month, but I wanted to fend for myself for the first time in my life. I’ve always depended on a man or my parents to support me. I knew in my heart he belonged with me those three weeks he was gone. I know he does now, it’s just the age and my family that is hard to deal with. I’m hoping he stays serious, but honestly, if he leaves me, he’s worth it. He’s worth losing friends and family for because he makes me happy. Every relationship has it’s problems, I know because I’ve had many, and one really crappy marriage. So in the end, besides the friends and family thing, this relationship doesn’t differ from any other. My ex husband who was 29 drank and did drugs every weekend, he would leave me home alone, I gained 40 lbs in two years. I tried to kill myself in May and the next day he left me for the other woman. The 17 year old doesn’t drink or do drugs. My ex didn’t help clean the house or help with any of the shopping. The 17 year old does. He cooks for me, my ex wouldn’t even put a frozen pizza in the oven for me. He doesn’t have an education, he doesn’t work, but his actions speak for themselves, and I know he’ll be great and be successful one day. He’s bright and very intelligent. He ADHD and dyslexia, which I have patience for, by explaining things he doesn’t understand. But he is so smart! And kind! He helps strangers all the time, like if he sees them broke down or something. My ex would never give someone a second look. He wouldn’t even give me $5 for the SPCA walk I do every year. Some may think he isn’t a man, but he’s more man than I’ve had. So who knows, if it works it works, if it doesn’t it doesn’t. But he’s worth it. Even if my heart gets broken. He’s worth it.

    Reply
  11. Meredith - 0

    Meredith

    My man of 7 months and I just split up. We have a 4 1/2 year age gap. I’m 19 and he’s 23/24 (perfectly legal in Australia). Our age gap had never been a problem until one day he brought up that if he were doing what I were doing at his age (studying uni part time with two part time jobs) he would be seen as “unsuccessful” this obviously quite upset me and I got a bit moody. The gap although known by us, was never mentioned as we felt we had the same maturity level. We could both be mature adults at times, and both be geeky nerds fangirling over Pokemon at other times.
    Right up until the very last days we were getting on, buying food for each other, cuddling up watching Netflix, me giving him his nightly massage after he finished work.
    Our last month together was a bit rocky, he was tired after work as his work became more physically demanding, so I wasn’t getting the affection and sex that I wanted which made me moody which then caused absurd fights. (Domino effect anyone?)
    The last night we slept in the same bed we had a fight because I wanted sex and he didnt. (Stupid I know.) He’d ignored me in the lingerine I’d bought over the weekend so I was still grumpy over that.
    Perhaps attraction had started to fall on his side? I would still call him sexy, handsome, beautiful, hot etc but noticed he didn’t call me the same things back as often as he used to.( Although mind you, while getting changed or walking in after a shower he’d be all eyes as I stripped or dropped my towel.)
    He broke up with me over text two days later with an excuse that I believed to be true.
    About a week after that, his best friend who I guess is being his “spy” messaged me and we get talking. The spy mentions that perhaps my ex and I were just in different stages of life and that may be why we broke up.
    We were living together, had spoken of our future and had started to plan making big purchases together so I am not sure of this, though what his spy said made me think of what he had said first mentioned in this post.
    Hope this made some sense.
    Thanks for all your articles, has definitely given my broken heart some hope.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      Chris Seiter

      19 and 24 is legal everywhere I think and I don’t see this age gap being a big problem.

      In your defense a guy who doesn’t want sex when you have lingere on… well something is off there.

      Have you been doing the NC rule?

    • Meredith - 0

      Meredith

      He told me that because even though I looked sexy in the lingerine, my mood during that day wasn’t sexy and he’d been put off :/

      Almost day 7 of no contact and nothing from him 🙁

  12. . - 0

    .

    My ex boyfriend broke up with me because we are 12-13 yr age gap we broke up about a week ago but he has a new girlfriend already and I want him back but he said no because of the age gap what do I do? I love him

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      Chris Seiter

      You came out too soon. You need to build more attraction up first.

  13. Alyssa - 0

    Alyssa

    So Chris, I’m 16 years old but I’m considered very mature for my age. Anyways this guy who is 19 years old that I used to have a relationship with is trying to get back with me. The problem is that he knows that I would get back with him whenever he wanted to. He also went out with my close friend and when me and my friend weren’t cool anymore started talking to me. He also “cheated” on me while we were “talking”. I just want to know if there’s any way this could even be a relationship or if I should just lose contact with him and how?

    Reply
  14. Autumn - 0

    Autumn

    Hello Chris! I wanted to get your opinion. I was engaged to my fiancé for over year and we lived together for over two years. He is 40 years old, I am 37. He had two children from a previous marriage which she had half of every week. I have two little girls around the same age as his children that live with me all the time. We had a happy home. All of the children got along. He was my best friend. One month ago, I was blindsided when he broke up with me 35 days before our wedding! He told me he needed space,. He said he may come crawling back to me in a month or six months, and I may tell him to get lost, but that was a risky was willing to take. Turns out that evening as I drove off without my belongings and my little girls in the truck, he had a coworker stay the night att his house who he is now in a serious relationship with. She is 24 yrs old. He was your boss up till a few weeks ago when she moved to a different apartment but still in the same building. This is frowned upon at his workplace as I already know. This is not something I ever saw him doing, I’m tempted to think this is just a midlife crisis. The woman he is with now has no children. before I moved out I noticed he was dressing differently, wearing cologne ro work, which he never did. lots of different changes even listening to different types of music. . The two seem to be in this hot and heavy sexual moving really fast relationship. He still contacts me from time to time, and even wants me to go with him on our preplanned honeymoon vacation for seven day cruise, due to the fact the tickets are nonrefundable so he says. I told him I would go. I figure how to get something out of the relationship, and I still love him dearly. What do you think the chances of Their relationship lasting, and what do you think about him wanting to be with me again possibly on our cruise. I’ve read all of your material I plan on implementing all of the info you have provided, unfortunately the no contact rule on the cruise, nor do I want to do LOL. I love your articles keep them coming
    thank you

    Reply
  15. Vanessa - 0

    Vanessa

    How about an article on not age differences, but who the younger person is? My ex is a year younger than me. I always wondered if relationship dynamics were different between couples where the girl was younger vs. the guy was younger, or if they were the same age. Or maybe that really doesn’t affect the relationship. It would be interesting to know!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      I am not quite sure I follow.

    • Lily - 0

      Lily

      Sorry…for example, my ex boyfriend is one year younger than me. So in our case, the girl (me) was older than the guy (my ex.) Obviously in other relationships, the girl and the guy are the same age, or the guy is older than the girl. What I’m asking is, do the relationships of these three different types (girl > guy, girl = guy, girl < guy) operate differently, or are they pretty much the same?
      Hope that's less confusing.

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Ohhhh wow, I like that a lot.

      One last question.

      What do you think I should call the article?

      Come up with a good title for me.

    • Lily - 0

      Lily

      Oh wow, I get to come up with the title of an EBR article, I am so flattered 🙂
      How about something like Relationship Dynamics with Your Ex Boyfriend: Why Who is Older Matters
      I can’t wait until you have this article written, I’m definitely curious about what you find! And please read my comment (under the name Lily) on the getting out of the friend zone podcast page! 🙂

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      I read it and congratulations.

      Shorten that title a little bit. Make it a maximum of 7 words.

    • Lily - 0

      Lily

      Thanks!
      Why Who is Older Matters with Your Ex
      If you actually want only 7 words max you could take out the “why”

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      I like that article!

      Ok, I will try to write an article on why being older matters to an ex boyfriend.

    • Lily - 0

      Lily

      Awesome! I’m excited to see what you find!

    • Hopeless - 0

      Hopeless

      I would love to read an article on this topic. My ex boyfriend and I were the same age. The girl he is currently dating is 3 years older then him.

    • Lily - 0

      Lily

      My ex is one year younger than me, and his rebound girl was two years younger than him.
      Now you have to write it Chris, since at least 2 girls in the EBR community want to read it 🙂

  16. Marie J - 0

    Marie J

    Hi Chris,
    I hope you can give me some advice please. My ex and I broke up four months ago after a year together. We were best friends, had an intense, passionate, happy relationship and loved one another very deeply. We also work together, we have a significant age gap but we never noticed it in how we related to one another inside and outside of work and we were extremely close and serious about one another. However,he has been uncomfortable about what people think, he is concerned about other peoples opinions and told me out of the blue that he didn’t see a future with me because I will die and leave him alone. He also said he was worried about me aging and that I am too old to have a child with him. Prior to this he was talking about living together and hated being away from me, we just loved being with one another so much. He was quite possessive. Since the breakup we have both been absolutely devestated and for a few months he was pretty miserable and acted like a jealous, angry idiot. He went from such a happy focused guy to such a miserable guy.
    The past month he has been a lot better and he is starting to go out with friends rather than moping at home. Neither of us are dating anyone else. We did reconcile very briefly but he was distant and withdrawn after begging me to go back to him and said he can’t get past the age gap. It seems he sees me as a number rather than a vibrant, interesting and nice looking girl. It’s not like I’ve turned this age over night. He often said he hasn’t loved anyone like me. It seems such a pity to let it all go.
    It’s so hard because there Is still love between us. At least that’s what he says, although he appears confused as sometimes his words and actions don’t match, he has also said some unkind things although I can tell its because he’s upset. What can I do? I’ve tried the NC rule We have gone from being really crazy about one another to total strangers like we are both in denial of our emotions. I see him looking at me a lot but he hides it. He is very sensitive but I think he does see me as ‘really old’. I look great for my age and get lots of looks from men of all ages. Funny thing is he acts older and I act younger so it kinda balanced us out. I get some of his concerns but some of them seem so negative and a bit unrealistic. is it impossible to change his outlook? Do I just give up?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      I wouldn’t say its impossible but I am curious about something.

      You mentioned that you acted younger.

      Explain that a bit more for me.

    • Marie J - 0

      Marie J

      I guess my outlook on life is more of a younger person. While I have a serious side I can also be silly, fun, curious, adventurous. I’m not the knitting, talk about kids, gardening type that many my age are. Hard to explain really.

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      And your age is?

    • Marie J - 0

      Marie J

      47

  17. adele - 0

    adele

    Age gaps don’t really read like a text book when the individuals aren’t really ‘of their age’ though – generally a 35 year old woman might be an issue for a younger guy with her biological clock ticking and wanting to settle down for example, but what if she’s not at that ‘life stage’?

    For eg – my ex thought I wanted marriage and kids *now* because I’m 35 – unfortunately I’m just coming out of a 10 year relationship & marriage (mmarried for 3) and that couldn’t be further from my mind – I’m acting far younger than him – (my ex boyfriend not husband….he’s 25 going on 35 compared to my 35 going on 25….).

    Unfortunately ideas like this that ascribe certain things to set ages don’t help – look at the individual and where they are in their life, *not* just a number 🙁
    (I know this is about me specifically but a generalization is just that and misses off many people that fall out of that range).

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      I think actually the sterotypical idea of what women at that age want is hurting you.

  18. Love from London - 0

    Love from London

    Hi

    I’ve just found your site:)) some great advice and tips…..I wanted to give you my view on age gaps. My ex is 53 & I’m 42 this week, we had a relationship for 4 plus years, I ended it beginning of January as it really came into focus that we both wanted totally different lifestyles, he was my married boss when we met, he made clear he liked me, he is a typical alpha male, knows what he wants and does not give up, he is also extremely wealthy and I a single mum of 2 great girls aged 8 & 12.
    I’m divorced 6 years, financially independent, have my own place, great friends (most who don’t like him, especially now) and really wasn’t looking for a relationship, I have a good relationship with my daughters dad, so no baggage!!!
    I rebuffed him for a long time, he was very determined to be my friend and mentor, which worked well for a while and we lost contact.
    I then bumped into him a year down the line and he had left his wife, got his own place and we started eventually dating. What he loved about me at first, he found exceptionally hard to deal with, my independence, my fiesty nature of not putting up with his BS and my ability to call him out on things….and my ability to take care of my girls and myself in every sense…..we were in love, smitten head over heels in love, planning to move abroad last summer, things then started to go wrong once he realised living with 2 young children full time, whne his were all grown up was a lot tougher than he thought, he backed off moving in together over here, but wanted to still live together abroad??? Yeah right?!? How does that work?? …I decided against moving abroad with him, was honest and caring about him pursuing his own happiness….now here’s the rub!! The response I got was verbal abuse and threats?!?
    So basically, he wanted me to move mountains, uproot my kids and move to Spain, in the middle of nowhere so he could retire and play golf all day while I was stuck in a foreign land, apparently being financially cared for but completely lacking everything that makes up my life…..so I ended things, no contact from my end has been good, but he constantly calls, emails, sends me fb requests and messages begging me to go back….I don’t see how we can make it work, my life are my kids, they need me and I want to be there for them, I couldn’t imagine swapping the daily love and relationship we have in return for being cared for and controlled by him….the age gap is big enough for me to be modern in outlook and him to be archaic, he wants to be top dog, no questions asked as his father was at hom when he was growing up. He hates me having make friends ( there’s nothing romantic in it ever) , he feels insecure as I’m younger and apparently get hit on regularly ( I wish) …..the age gap, makes a blended family impossible his children are independent and he didn’t raise them, he was busy working hard to provide, he doesn’t get that I want to raise my girls myself, not have nannies and stand ins!! He thinks everything has a price and can be bought with enough money…sadly not me…I say sadly as the money would be nice but not in return for free will:)) so age gaps don’t work in my opinion….both parties need to be on the same page and stage of their lives……thanks for reading and your patience. Love from London

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Glad you found the site!

      I think you bring up some really interesting points about age gaps.

      In your case the fact that he thought he could buy everything really hurt your relationship.

    • N.M - 0

      N.M

      Im glad I didn’t burn my bridges to be with my much younger guy, ie social ostracism in my country etc, cos now I get constantly told im older, he wants to party n I am more home loving.
      Same stage in life says it so aptly.
      Like the gentleman who wants to lead a retired life, my younger guy just wants fun but if I need to go to the doctor, he would be out with the guys…
      I’m happyfor you Love from London , you came to your senses in 4 years,
      I on the other hand am in still in denial after 11 years, cos where else do I go at this age, he’s living off me and yet he’s not there for me anymore, now he says he can’t be seen with me, he just wants fun, you can bet he won’t be around if I fall sick. And if I’m not getting the attention I want, why do I need him? Why?
      But again like ohsnap
      Not only a younger woman may want marriage, kids the works!
      A younger guy also may realise what Has he got himself into, being with this fat old hag who is no fun, she just keeps nagging about remorse!

  19. Ohsnap! - 0

    Ohsnap!

    I think your commentary is interesting but very generic. For example, it is completely different when the guy is younger than the woman. It also depends on how old the guy is. If a man is 30 plus, then he is not a boy. He is a grown man and usually knows what he wants. If he falls for an older woman, the best thing would be to define the relationship. Does he want kids? Marriage? If the woman is past childbearing years, then he knows this going in. Older women, on the whole, are secure, know what they want and what they don’t want. They usually are not in a rush to marry. Children are out. They don’t need someone to support them. The relationship, in that case, can be on a whole different level. Now if it’s the reverse, a younger woman and older man, in my thinking, it’s more complicated. She does want, marriage, children, financial support. Whole different ballgame.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Thanks for the comment!

      Maybe I should hire you to write!

      You make some excellent points.

      OH SNAP!!!

    • N.M - 0

      N.M

      While he may Know going in, that there won’t be children, he may be immature and think it won’t matter, but few years down the line , his friends are getting married and having babies and he’s stuck, his parents pester for grandchildren n all that, then where is this secure lady going to be? The rules maybe set in the beginning, but when they change, who’s to stop him from leaving, and the lady is all alone after investing many years into this relationship!

  20. Lee - 0

    Lee

    My ex boyfriend was 14 years elder than me. im in my 20s we met in SD, then we were forced to separate after we got together a week. i went back to my home country so we are thousand miles apart. thing didn’t go well after a month, absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder. but i wouldn’t say it’s a not successful relationship. after all those 6 days i spent with him was wonderful.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      So, you only dated 6 days?

    • Lee - 0

      Lee

      yes. too little huh?
      but it’s fine for me.
      If we want, we will definitely meet each other again. im off to SD at the end of the summer again.

  21. Shannon - 0

    Shannon

    Hi Chris. I’m 21 days into NC. I’ve done everything you said to do during no contact. Can I text him now? Or should I wait 9 more days?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      9 more days.

      Doing good Shannon!

    • Shannon - 0

      Shannon

      I caved and I did text him ugh. He didn’t get back, and idk if it’s because he doesn’t have his phone because I remember him saying in February he’s gonna be gone for a month for training. What should I do now? I’m gonna completely listen to you chris from now on I promise. Please reply. I need your help :/

  22. Allison - 0

    Allison

    I have a question, that doesn’t necessarily have to do anything with the article. Is it normal for a man to be distant when in a relationship? I’ve been seeing a guy since September and of course the first few months were amazing but recently he’s been distant, and he doesn’t display affection as much as he used to. Is this normal?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Yes, some men can be distant…

      However, if it is a consistent thing and he is distant in non normal situations it might be an issue.

      Has he always been distant?

    • Allison - 0

      Allison

      Well no, that’s why I brought it up last Saturday because it had been going on for a couple weeks and I was concerned. I told him I felt like he was being distant and that if he didn’t feel the same or if something was wrong please tell me, he never responded. It’s been a week and we haven’t contacted each other at all. I didn’t want to text him again because I didn’t want to cause an arguement. I’m assuming it’s over because we normally talked everyday and hes been all over social media this past week, chatting with a new girl. I just find it really weird that this happened, we almost never fought and were happy together for the most part.

  23. Lauren - 0

    Lauren

    This article came at a perfect timing. My ex is 12 years younger than me, we were together for 1 year and split up but we were still very attracted to each other. I suffered a lot after the split up, but being more mature than him i went on with my life. After more than one year he’s now back. But the weird thing is, I can now see how immature he is. I still love him on a certain degree, but deep down I know it’s will never work out for us.

    BUT, as you said… it all depends on the individuals. My previous ex was 10 years younger than me. I tend to have younger boyfriends as I look younger than my age and sometimes it is a real curse. Despite this, even if I’m approaching the 40’s, I have a very uncommon lifestyle and I’ve never wanted to get married or thought about having kids.

    I always thought that if I found the right person then it will be a spontaneous decision. My ex (the one 10 years younger), was 25 when he proposed, he had a stable career and we were living together for a few years already. I ended the relationship as I realized that he wasn’t for me.

    That said, i tend to agree with your theories, I’m an exceptional case…in general I find the age gap to be a big problem when the girl is much older than the guy, because of social pressure and the clock ticking. If the woman wants to settle down, I strongly advise for her to find a partner who is max 6/8 years younger, or she’s gonna be in trouble sooner or later. The ugly truth! 🙂

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      I think your a unique situation because most women want the things you don’t seem to want.

      I do agree with your 6-8 years younger comment 🙂 .

  24. C.D. - 0

    C.D.

    I’m dealing with a 15 year age gap. He’s 25 and I’m 40. What was supposed to be a “fling” has turned into a 7 month long situation. I insisted that we don’t define what we have and “go with the flow” and he agreed. I however, do have standards on how I wanted to be treated and I reciprocated those expectations. Long story short he started to get flaky and do the “slow fade”. I immediately caught on and before he could fade any further and implemented the NC immediately. We are now into day 7. He has tried to contact me twice (He’s that passive aggressive egotistical dude you talked about earlier). The first time I didn’t respond. The second time was on day 5 my birthday in which he wished me a happy birthday. I waited more than 24 hours to respond a neutral “thank you” and he waited 45 minutes to respond an equally neutral “your welcome” and I didn’t respond anymore. Did I fail to mention this is also a long distance situation? Long enough where we don’t see each other daily but we still see each other at least every other weekend. I am using this NC period to really think about if I want to pursue this or allow him to go ahead and live his life. He and I both love each other but are at very different points in our lives and I don’t want to be selfish but I do love him. This NC will not be a problem as I have no shortage of things to do that keeps me busy and I do plan to go full steam ahead with it. I want to contact him around 45 days or so but I am confused at how or even if I should. He has a very convincing poker face (mine is equally convincing) and I am 100% positive he probably won’t try and contact me again and I am going to have to be the one to initiate contact. I don’t know if I am asking for advice or just needing to vent but any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Well, you set the standard by not defining things so he probably thinks he can get away with a lot.

      My advice would be you break the ice first after NC.

  25. Georgette - 0

    Georgette

    Only two comments on this post, compared to other posts!

    I’ve been happily married for nearly a decade in the big age gap category. We were fortunate that neither of us wanted kids–that probably would have been the big deal breaker.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      I know…

      🙁

      I thought more people would comment but I guess this isn’t high on the priority list. Anything about no contact gets a million comments haha.

      Anyways, congrats on your successful marriage. I am really happy the two of you figured out how to navigate the age difference.

      Also, thanks for the comment. Now we have four!!

  26. N.M - 0

    N.M

    You forgot 56/28
    The guy was 18 when he fell head over heels for the 47 year old woman! And now it’s ending at 29/57

    Reply

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