Today we’re going to address something alarming that I’ve been noticing over the past few years and that’s when you work really hard to get your ex back, succeed, but then go through another breakup.
Now for many of you reading, this may be the most devastating occurrence to happen, especially after you put all this hard work into getting your ex back. It may feel like all of your efforts were useless or it just isn’t meant to be.
Today I want to address why this happens and how you can avoid it.
Why So Many Breakups Happen Again (After You Just Got Back Together)
If you’ve read any of my previous articles, watched my youtube videos, or followed my podcast, you’ll know that I love interviewing success stories and discussing effective trends for getting an ex back.
However, I’ve actually been accused of painting an overly positive picture of my success stories.
People have even accused me of hiding things about the success stories.
Here’s the thing though – no relationship is perfect, especially not one that was recently broken up. I don’t usually address what happens after people get back together with their exes because getting to that point is hard enough, but here’s the truth:
Approximately 50% of our success stories go through another breakup within three months after getting their ex back.
That’s right, this includes all the success stories I interviewed and people who seemingly did everything right in getting their ex back.
In fact, I actually conducted two success story interviews a few years ago with a client of mine who got her ex back,
And then once she got him back he broke up with her again (only to beg for her back later.)
So, while others maybe accuse me of hiding things about success stories I feel like I’ve been pretty adamant about showing people what often happens when you get your ex back.
This isn’t really a big secret because this trend has stayed consistent pretty much throughout my career.
Does This Mean That My Strategies For Getting An Ex Back Don’t Work?
No, it simply means that getting an ex back and building a healthy new relationship with them are two very different things.
Most couples that break up again after getting back together experience this because they did not properly address, fix, or move on from the issues that caused their breakup in the first place.
So you can basically implement all the techniques of getting your ex back like the no contact rule, the value ladder and value chain of conversation, etc, but if you don’t talk about or try to resolve the reason for the breakup you’ll eventually end up back with the same problems.
It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
Now this will obviously take a while because you’ll be in the honeymoon phase immediately after getting back together.
So even if a relationship seems good when you get back together, don’t assume it’s automatically going to stay that way.
Another important thing to remember is that you might address the problematic behavior for a little while after getting back together but it takes a lot more dedication and consistency to avoid slipping back into old habits.
A really interesting story about my childhood comes to mind here that always stayed with me and has helped me understand people’s psychology a bit more too. I grew up in an amazing household with loving parents. My dad was actually the Human Resources manager for the entire McDonald’s corporation in the city of Houston, Texas.
Houston’s a big city so there was always a lot of overseeing, hiring, and conflict resolution for my dad to do.
Sometimes my dad would travel on-site to different locations to address behavioral issues or interpersonal conflicts and he noticed a trend across almost all locations:
Regardless of what advice he gave or what action he took, employees would always slip back into their problematic behaviors sooner or later.
I didn’t really think that this concept of regression to the mean would apply to my practice at ex-boyfriend recovery when dealing with success stories but boy, was I wrong.
We started seeing that whenever couples got together after a breakup they were super excited and cruising in the honeymoon period but as soon as that wore off, there was a regression to the mean.
Old negative habits started coming back, the same arguments were made over and over, and no fundamental changes happened.
How To Avoid Breaking Up Again If You Got Back Together?
Apart from the obvious answer of actually addressing the cause of the breakup, I only have one tip for you today, but this one tip may very well be the most important thing you’ll ever hear from me about keeping a relationship alive.
This tip actually comes from another website I founded – marriagerecovery.com.
If you’ve never heard of it, don’t worry about it. I haven’t given it as much time as I would’ve liked to because I made a conscious decision to not spread myself too thin and only focus on ex-boyfriend recovery and ex-girlfriend recovery.
Anyway, I founded marriagerecovery.com about four or five years ago because I wanted to dabble in all spaces of the relationship recovery concept.
Troublesome marriages can be just as traumatic (if not more) than breakups in relationships so I wanted to help people revive their marriages.
In fact, the very first article I wrote for marriage recovery was about how to save a marriage.
And honestly, if you look at that article even to this day, it is one of the best things I have ever written.
I talk a lot about what’s working in the world to keep marriages and existing relationships strong.
You know, you get the usual advice like spending more alone time together, making sure you’re using the right tone of voice, and making sure your body language is correct, but what was most fascinating to me was something that I came across called the Golden Ratio.
The golden ratio basically speaks about the ideal 5 to 1 ratio of kind acts to negative encounters that is necessary for long and healthy relationships/marriages.
Now, anyone who’s bought my ex recovery program will notice that the very last modules of my course aren’t congratulatory “pat yourself on the back” kind of chapters, they’re actually addressing the issue of people breaking up after getting back together.
I talk about different techniques to follow if you want your relationship to survive and the golden ratio is one of my favorites in there.
The golden ratio really just boils down to kindness.
Essentially what you’re looking to do is be kind to your partner and them, in turn, being kind to you.
Here’s an excerpt from my article about this on marriagerecovery:
“One interesting finding is that couples who practice kindness in relation to how they interact with each other and do so at a ratio of five to one five kind acts versus negative encounters have a remarkable 87% success rate in marriage. That is how powerful the act of being truly positive in marriages can impact your life.”
Now on the surface, it seems simplistic and easy, right?
All you have to do is be really nice to your ex or new boyfriend/girlfriend five times for every negative interaction!
Well sorry to burst your bubble but it’s not as simple as you think. In fact, I can bet that if you try to try to tally up five kind things you did for your partner today you’d struggle coming up with them.
I’m not saying I’m perfect at this either. I recently tried to count kind acts I do for my wife and I could only think of one – getting lunch for her. So all of us, including me, need to step up our game and take conscious responsibility for going that extra step for our partners.
Now over the years, I’ve concluded that we humans are selfish creatures, yet we want people to think we’re selfless… see the paradox here? This is why it’s incredibly important to hold each other accountable for your golden ratios.
I suggest taking time out at the end of every day, via text or in person, to really talk about the kind things you and your partner have done for each other. Make a game or habit of it and you will see your relationship change for the better!
And don’t worry if you both cant name five kind acts right off the bat – most of us cant. Just try to be consistent in this habit and before you know it you’ll both be kinder to each other throughout the day!
People usually break up after getting back together because they never truly addressed the cause of their breakup.
You need to work on and move past the problems so they don’t come back and ruin your new relationship.
An incredibly effective piece of advice to maintaining a healthy relationship is to always strive to maintain the golden ratio of kindness –every unkind/negative encounter must be balanced with 5 kind acts.