Today we hear from Lauren.
Lauren is a woman who has been with her ex boyfriend for quite some time.
6 and a half years to be exact.
She has pretty much followed all the basic “get your ex back” rules after the breakup perfectly and seems to be covering some serious ground with regards to actually getting her boyfriend back.
There’s just one problem…
No matter how hard she tries he just won’t commit to her.
In today’s episode I teach her exactly what she has to do to get him to commit!
Ideas Covered In This Episode
- Why men are afraid to re-commit to an ex after a breakup
- The anger and resentment that follows a breakup
- The 6 year factor
- The importance of knowing & showing your value
- Moving on without moving on
- A woman’s time is very valuable
Important Links Mentioned In This Episode
The Re-Commitment Game Plan
If you haven’t already take 5 minutes out of your day to watch the Jellybean Video that I talk about in episode 17 of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast then I highly recommend you do so.
Basically the point of me showing you that video is to make you realize just how valuable your time is and how you can’t waste it on anyone.
You need to project this fact to your ex boyfriend to get him to commit. Make him understand that being with you is a privileged due to how important your time is.
Showing Him Your Value
You need to re-frame the way that your ex boyfriend looks at you. The best way to do this is to make him realize you are getting attention from other men (not just him.) If he sees other men pursuing you it will raise your value in his mind because all of a sudden he has competition for you.
A little competition is never a bad thing.
Still Build Attraction With Him
While you leave yourself open to dating/showing him your value you need to continue building attraction with him at the same time so you stay relevant in his mind.
Welcome to Episode 21 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. We are legal drinking age now. Today we’re going to be hearing from Lauren who asks a pretty insightful and interesting question. She’s wondering how to get her ex-boyfriend to recommit to her. I’ve talked a lot about commitment and influence. The listeners can get a lot out of this just by listening to her situation and how I think she should approach it.
Let’s hear from Lauren:
“Hi, Chris. My name is Lauren. My boyfriend and I broke up three months ago after being together for six and a half years. Since then, I’ve done the 30 day no contact period. Throughout, he contacted me regularly. I have seen him a few times since the breakup. Every time I see him, he acts as though the relationship isn’t over.
He talks about a future. He talks about wanting a family, getting married and being together as if things are normal between us. I just can’t seem to get him to recommit to me. I feel that he’s taking advantage of me in a way. He knows I’m right there. He knows he’s going to have an opportunity to get back together with me.
My question is, what can I do to get him to recommit to the relationship? I know how badly he wants to be with me. I know he loves me. I know that he is looking to have a future with me. But he just won’t seem to make that effort to get back together with me. That’s my question. Thank you.”
Thank you, Lauren, for leaving this really great voicemail. I love your question. I can’t wait to help you out. You were in a relationship for your ex-boyfriend for six and a half years, which is a long time. Congratulations. I’m really happy to hear that. You did the 30 day no contact rule. Good job there as well.
He acts like the relationship isn’t over after the no contact rule. He’s telling you that he wants a family. Maybe he wants to marry you. He wants kids. He’s saying the right things but his actions aren’t backing them up. If you know me, I’m a big proponent of actions. Words mean nothing. Actions mean everything. You’re wondering how you can make him recommit. I love that question.
In order to really understand what’s stopping him from taking that step of recommitment, we have to understand why. What’s preventing him from doing that? I jotted down a list of the top things that might be obstacles that you have to overcome or that he’s worried about. Then I’m going to teach you how to overcome them with a game plan.
Why won’t he recommit to you? The first thing that I jotted down is that he’s scared. Things like marriage, kids, family and the white picket fence are a lifelong commitment. Some guys are scared of it. They want it inside but they’re scared of it because they know that means their single bachelor life is over. They have to get more family oriented. Some guys don’t like that.
Some guys are into party mode or they’re so selfish that they don’t want that. They’re scared of taking that step. The funny thing is, I think monogamy, commitment and having a family is what makes human beings great. I think it adds a certain level of security to a person. I think a lot of men who take that step and have a long-term commitment with marriage and kids find that they really like it.
They like the security that it provides. They don’t like being single. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there in the dating world. It’s kill or be killed, so to speak. Maybe he’s a little bit scared of a change like that.
Another reason that he may not want to recommit to you is that he still holds anger or resentment over the breakup. This is common. A lot of men put themselves in the victim role, even if they were the ones at fault. In their minds, they think, “You’re the one who made me feel this way. That means you’re an enemy. You made me angry. I resent you for that.”
He may have some anger or resentment over the breakup. You can’t discount this completely. His actions haven’t backed up his words yet. Hopefully, by the end of this podcast episode, you’ll have a game plan to change that around. Right now, it’s not looking so great. He could be holding some resentment and anger over the breakup.
The next thing I jotted down is that he isn’t 100% sure about you yet. What do I mean by that? A man has to be 100% sure about a woman to take that kind of step. I’m assuming that you are a little bit more mature than a high school relationship. You two are on the verge of entering that phase of your lives where you’re looking to get married and start a family.
When a guy is in that phase of his life, he’s thinking, “I have to be 100% sure about the woman I’m going to be with, because I’m going to be with her forever. I don’t want to make a mistake. I don’t want to be stuck with someone who I don’t love forever.” This is not to say that he doesn’t love you, Lauren. I’m sure he does. Maybe he’s just not 100% sure yet.
The reason why I think he may not be 100% sure yet is that he’s already dated you for six years. That’s a long time. Sometimes, when you date someone for that long, the excitement of a relationship falls off. A friend of mine, who ironically broke up with his girlfriend last year, was dating her for exactly the same amount of time as you.
I remember one time we went out to a restaurant. He told me, “I love her to death. I’ll probably end up marrying her. She’s my best friend.” He said all the right things that a guy in love should say. But then he said, “It’s kind of boring. I want excitement.”
He mentioned, “I almost want to break up with her and then play the field a little bit to get that last single vibe out of my system before I settle down with her. She’s the one to settle down with but I’m kind of bored with her.” He actually said that. Ironically, she broke up with him. But that’s a different story.
He may not be 100% sure yet, Lauren. The good thing about this is that you can convince him. You can influence him with what I’m about to show you. Let’s keep the ball rolling with why he may be afraid to commit to you.
I talked about that he might not be 100% sure yet. I talked about the six year factor and how it can get boring. There is also the newness factor. Men love newness. They love the honeymoon period. They love the newness of a relationship. You may have to put some extra work in to create this newness factor.
The last thing is the darkest thing, and what I do not think is happening in your situation, Lauren. I can’t discount it for all the listeners out there. This is a disclaimer. Lauren, I do not think this is happening in your situation but I think this happens in some situations. He’s telling you what you want to hear so he can get you in bed. It’s pretty dark.
A few episodes ago, in Episode 19, I talked about the languages of love and the five things that men need to have in a relationship to feel loved and wanted. This is not just men, but all human beings in general. What did I say the number one thing was for a man? It was physical needs. Men are physical. They want sex more than women. That’s what I think.
There are always exceptions to the rule. As a general rule, men are more physical and women are more emotional. He could just be telling you what you want to hear to get you in bed. I do not think that’s happening in your situation, Lauren. I’ve seen situations where it does happen. It’s a cruel thing. You always have to be on the lookout for that.
In case this is happening to you, the way I would combat this is not to sleep with him until he commits to you. It’s as simple as that.
Let’s move on to your game plan. The game plan for you, Lauren, revolves around one thing. That’s knowing your value and asserting it. Men are attracted to women who they think are valuable. They’ll commit to a woman who they think is valuable. If we’re assuming that the reason he’s not committing to you is because he isn’t 100% sure about you yet, then you need to assert your value. You need to prove your value to him. You need to prove to him that, “My time is more valuable than yours.”
I talk a lot about this in an episode where we asked, “Should you take your ex back?” We talked about the jellybean video and the importance of understanding that you don’t have as much time as you think you do. I’ll link to that episode in the show notes of this episode. You can listen to that.
Your time is very valuable. You’ve already put six years into this relationship. That’s a long time and nothing has come to fruition yet. Sometimes it’s best to cut your losses and go. I’m not recommending that for you, Lauren. You need to make him understand that your time is valuable. You’re not wasting it on him. Make him feel that. Understand that your time is valuable. If you’re going to be with him, he can’t be wasting your time.
You don’t actually say this to him. You show him. How do you show him? You show him with something I like to call moving on without moving on. For example, go on a date. You’re still flirting with your ex-boyfriend. You’re still building that emotional attraction but you’re moving on without moving on. You’re going on a date. You’re playing the field a little bit.
Your ex-boyfriend will feel this. He’s going to think, “Oh my gosh. She’s going on a date. I thought she was mine. We were talking about marriage the other day. We were talking about kids. She’s on a date with some other guy.”
He’ll be angry, but he will understand your value then. He will understand that you are not waiting around for him. You are not waiting around for anyone. You have your own goals. You want to get married. You want to have kids. You want to find the right man.
Sometimes that means stepping outside. It means moving on without moving on. Go on a date. Make your ex-boyfriend jealous. Make him understand that you are wanted, not just by him, but by other men. The longer he waits, the more other men have an opportunity to lock you down.
Put yourself in a position where he’s chasing you. You are the prize. He has to win you. He understands your value. Sometimes the best way to get him to understand that is to position yourself in a way where he sees other suitors come after you. He has competition. Personally, I hate competition. But I guarantee you, if my wife put herself in a position like that, I would go nuts trying to kill the competition. I don’t mean literally kill them, but emotionally kill them. I would try to win her heart.
That puts you in a valuable position. Understand that your time is valuable. Prove it by putting yourself in a position where other suitors can come after you. Right now, it seems like you’re not doing that. It seems like you’re very available to your ex-boyfriend. There’s nothing wrong with that if you’re in a relationship with him.
But the fact is, he hasn’t recommitted to you. You need to reposition yourself to show him, “Other men are coming after me.” You don’t show this to him by texting him, “I’m going on a date today.” No. You show this to him by subtly showing him on Facebook and other indirect methods. You want to show him that other men are chasing you.
Then he has competition. Then he understands your value. Then he’ll want to commit to you. Deep down, I think he does. I can’t say 100% for sure. I’m not a mind reader. What I can tell you is, from everything you’ve told me, I think he does. It seems like things are going well. It seems like you are in that phase where he really likes you but he’s not 100% sure yet.
Sometimes repositioning yourself in a position of value where he can see other suitors chase after you will make him realize just how important and valuable you are. It will show him your value. That’s important. We need that to happen. We need him to understand that you’re not his just yet. He needs to earn that right to call you his. He hasn’t committed to you. Reposition yourself where you can be chased and show him. Put it on display in an indirect way. There are a lot of ways you can do that. I talked a lot about this on the jealousy page. I’ll link to that for you. It’s not just about making him jealous. It’s about making him understand your value. That’s important.
We need that to happen if he’s going to recommit to you. I think, if you do that successfully, he will recommit to you. I can’t guarantee it. I think that will really improve your chances of getting him to recommit to you, Lauren. I really do.
This was a shorter episode today but it was straight to the point. I think it was very valuable for you. That’s it from Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. I’ll see you tomorrow. We have a really good episode planned for tomorrow, ironically, from another woman named Lauren.