By Chris Seiter

Updated on February 27th, 2021

Today we hear from Lauren.

Lauren is a woman who has been with her ex boyfriend for quite some time.

6 and a half years to be exact.

She has pretty much followed all the basic “get your ex back” rules after the breakup perfectly and seems to be covering some serious ground with regards to actually getting her boyfriend back.

There’s just one problem…

No matter how hard she tries he just won’t commit to her.

In today’s episode I teach her exactly what she has to do to get him to commit!

Ideas Covered In This Episode

  • Why men are afraid to re-commit to an ex after a breakup
  • The anger and resentment that follows a breakup
  • The 6 year factor
  • The importance of knowing & showing your value
  • Moving on without moving on
  • A woman’s time is very valuable

Important Links Mentioned In This Episode

Is He Worth All This Trouble?
Take The Quiz

The Re-Commitment Game Plan


Your Time

If you haven’t already take 5 minutes out of your day to watch the Jellybean Video that I talk about in episode 17 of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast then I highly recommend you do so.

Basically the point of me showing you that video is to make you realize just how valuable your time is and how you can’t waste it on anyone.

You need to project this fact to your ex boyfriend to get him to commit. Make him understand that being with you is a privileged due to how important your time is.

Showing Him Your Value

You need to re-frame the way that your ex boyfriend looks at you. The best way to do this is to make him realize you are getting attention from other men (not just him.) If he sees other men pursuing you it will raise your value in his mind because all of a sudden he has competition for you.

A little competition is never a bad thing.

Still Build Attraction With Him

While you leave yourself open to dating/showing him your value you need to continue building attraction with him at the same time so you stay relevant in his mind.

Pretty simple!

Podcast Transcript

Welcome to Episode 21 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. We are legal drinking age now. Today we’re going to be hearing from Lauren who asks a pretty insightful and interesting question. She’s wondering how to get her ex-boyfriend to recommit to her. I’ve talked a lot about commitment and influence. The listeners can get a lot out of this just by listening to her situation and how I think she should approach it.

Let’s hear from Lauren:

“Hi, Chris. My name is Lauren. My boyfriend and I broke up three months ago after being together for six and a half years. Since then, I’ve done the 30 day no contact period. Throughout, he contacted me regularly. I have seen him a few times since the breakup. Every time I see him, he acts as though the relationship isn’t over.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

He talks about a future. He talks about wanting a family, getting married and being together as if things are normal between us. I just can’t seem to get him to recommit to me. I feel that he’s taking advantage of me in a way. He knows I’m right there. He knows he’s going to have an opportunity to get back together with me.

My question is, what can I do to get him to recommit to the relationship? I know how badly he wants to be with me. I know he loves me. I know that he is looking to have a future with me. But he just won’t seem to make that effort to get back together with me. That’s my question. Thank you.”

Thank you, Lauren, for leaving this really great voicemail. I love your question. I can’t wait to help you out. You were in a relationship for your ex-boyfriend for six and a half years, which is a long time. Congratulations. I’m really happy to hear that. You did the 30 day no contact rule. Good job there as well.

He acts like the relationship isn’t over after the no contact rule. He’s telling you that he wants a family. Maybe he wants to marry you. He wants kids. He’s saying the right things but his actions aren’t backing them up. If you know me, I’m a big proponent of actions. Words mean nothing. Actions mean everything. You’re wondering how you can make him recommit. I love that question.

In order to really understand what’s stopping him from taking that step of recommitment, we have to understand why. What’s preventing him from doing that? I jotted down a list of the top things that might be obstacles that you have to overcome or that he’s worried about. Then I’m going to teach you how to overcome them with a game plan.

Why won’t he recommit to you? The first thing that I jotted down is that he’s scared. Things like marriage, kids, family and the white picket fence are a lifelong commitment. Some guys are scared of it. They want it inside but they’re scared of it because they know that means their single bachelor life is over. They have to get more family oriented. Some guys don’t like that.

Some guys are into party mode or they’re so selfish that they don’t want that. They’re scared of taking that step. The funny thing is, I think monogamy, commitment and having a family is what makes human beings great. I think it adds a certain level of security to a person. I think a lot of men who take that step and have a long-term commitment with marriage and kids find that they really like it.

They like the security that it provides. They don’t like being single. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there in the dating world. It’s kill or be killed, so to speak. Maybe he’s a little bit scared of a change like that.

Another reason that he may not want to recommit to you is that he still holds anger or resentment over the breakup. This is common. A lot of men put themselves in the victim role, even if they were the ones at fault. In their minds, they think, “You’re the one who made me feel this way. That means you’re an enemy. You made me angry. I resent you for that.”

He may have some anger or resentment over the breakup. You can’t discount this completely. His actions haven’t backed up his words yet. Hopefully, by the end of this podcast episode, you’ll have a game plan to change that around. Right now, it’s not looking so great. He could be holding some resentment and anger over the breakup.

The next thing I jotted down is that he isn’t 100% sure about you yet. What do I mean by that? A man has to be 100% sure about a woman to take that kind of step. I’m assuming that you are a little bit more mature than a high school relationship. You two are on the verge of entering that phase of your lives where you’re looking to get married and start a family.

When a guy is in that phase of his life, he’s thinking, “I have to be 100% sure about the woman I’m going to be with, because I’m going to be with her forever. I don’t want to make a mistake. I don’t want to be stuck with someone who I don’t love forever.” This is not to say that he doesn’t love you, Lauren. I’m sure he does. Maybe he’s just not 100% sure yet.

The reason why I think he may not be 100% sure yet is that he’s already dated you for six years. That’s a long time. Sometimes, when you date someone for that long, the excitement of a relationship falls off. A friend of mine, who ironically broke up with his girlfriend last year, was dating her for exactly the same amount of time as you.

I remember one time we went out to a restaurant. He told me, “I love her to death. I’ll probably end up marrying her. She’s my best friend.” He said all the right things that a guy in love should say. But then he said, “It’s kind of boring. I want excitement.”

He mentioned, “I almost want to break up with her and then play the field a little bit to get that last single vibe out of my system before I settle down with her. She’s the one to settle down with but I’m kind of bored with her.” He actually said that. Ironically, she broke up with him. But that’s a different story.

He may not be 100% sure yet, Lauren. The good thing about this is that you can convince him. You can influence him with what I’m about to show you. Let’s keep the ball rolling with why he may be afraid to commit to you.

I talked about that he might not be 100% sure yet. I talked about the six year factor and how it can get boring. There is also the newness factor. Men love newness. They love the honeymoon period. They love the newness of a relationship. You may have to put some extra work in to create this newness factor.

The last thing is the darkest thing, and what I do not think is happening in your situation, Lauren. I can’t discount it for all the listeners out there. This is a disclaimer. Lauren, I do not think this is happening in your situation but I think this happens in some situations. He’s telling you what you want to hear so he can get you in bed. It’s pretty dark.

A few episodes ago, in Episode 19, I talked about the languages of love and the five things that men need to have in a relationship to feel loved and wanted. This is not just men, but all human beings in general. What did I say the number one thing was for a man? It was physical needs. Men are physical. They want sex more than women. That’s what I think.

There are always exceptions to the rule. As a general rule, men are more physical and women are more emotional. He could just be telling you what you want to hear to get you in bed. I do not think that’s happening in your situation, Lauren. I’ve seen situations where it does happen. It’s a cruel thing. You always have to be on the lookout for that.

In case this is happening to you, the way I would combat this is not to sleep with him until he commits to you. It’s as simple as that.

Let’s move on to your game plan. The game plan for you, Lauren, revolves around one thing. That’s knowing your value and asserting it. Men are attracted to women who they think are valuable. They’ll commit to a woman who they think is valuable. If we’re assuming that the reason he’s not committing to you is because he isn’t 100% sure about you yet, then you need to assert your value. You need to prove your value to him. You need to prove to him that, “My time is more valuable than yours.”

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

I talk a lot about this in an episode where we asked, “Should you take your ex back?” We talked about the jellybean video and the importance of understanding that you don’t have as much time as you think you do. I’ll link to that episode in the show notes of this episode. You can listen to that.

Your time is very valuable. You’ve already put six years into this relationship. That’s a long time and nothing has come to fruition yet. Sometimes it’s best to cut your losses and go. I’m not recommending that for you, Lauren. You need to make him understand that your time is valuable. You’re not wasting it on him. Make him feel that. Understand that your time is valuable. If you’re going to be with him, he can’t be wasting your time.

You don’t actually say this to him. You show him. How do you show him? You show him with something I like to call moving on without moving on. For example, go on a date. You’re still flirting with your ex-boyfriend. You’re still building that emotional attraction but you’re moving on without moving on. You’re going on a date. You’re playing the field a little bit.

Your ex-boyfriend will feel this. He’s going to think, “Oh my gosh. She’s going on a date. I thought she was mine. We were talking about marriage the other day. We were talking about kids. She’s on a date with some other guy.”

He’ll be angry, but he will understand your value then. He will understand that you are not waiting around for him. You are not waiting around for anyone. You have your own goals. You want to get married. You want to have kids. You want to find the right man.

Sometimes that means stepping outside. It means moving on without moving on. Go on a date. Make your ex-boyfriend jealous. Make him understand that you are wanted, not just by him, but by other men. The longer he waits, the more other men have an opportunity to lock you down.

Put yourself in a position where he’s chasing you. You are the prize. He has to win you. He understands your value. Sometimes the best way to get him to understand that is to position yourself in a way where he sees other suitors come after you. He has competition. Personally, I hate competition. But I guarantee you, if my wife put herself in a position like that, I would go nuts trying to kill the competition. I don’t mean literally kill them, but emotionally kill them. I would try to win her heart.

That puts you in a valuable position. Understand that your time is valuable. Prove it by putting yourself in a position where other suitors can come after you. Right now, it seems like you’re not doing that. It seems like you’re very available to your ex-boyfriend. There’s nothing wrong with that if you’re in a relationship with him.

But the fact is, he hasn’t recommitted to you. You need to reposition yourself to show him, “Other men are coming after me.” You don’t show this to him by texting him, “I’m going on a date today.” No. You show this to him by subtly showing him on Facebook and other indirect methods. You want to show him that other men are chasing you.

Then he has competition. Then he understands your value. Then he’ll want to commit to you. Deep down, I think he does. I can’t say 100% for sure. I’m not a mind reader. What I can tell you is, from everything you’ve told me, I think he does. It seems like things are going well. It seems like you are in that phase where he really likes you but he’s not 100% sure yet.

Sometimes repositioning yourself in a position of value where he can see other suitors chase after you will make him realize just how important and valuable you are. It will show him your value. That’s important. We need that to happen. We need him to understand that you’re not his just yet. He needs to earn that right to call you his. He hasn’t committed to you. Reposition yourself where you can be chased and show him. Put it on display in an indirect way. There are a lot of ways you can do that. I talked a lot about this on the jealousy page. I’ll link to that for you. It’s not just about making him jealous. It’s about making him understand your value. That’s important.

We need that to happen if he’s going to recommit to you. I think, if you do that successfully, he will recommit to you. I can’t guarantee it. I think that will really improve your chances of getting him to recommit to you, Lauren. I really do.

This was a shorter episode today but it was straight to the point. I think it was very valuable for you. That’s it from Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. I’ll see you tomorrow. We have a really good episode planned for tomorrow, ironically, from another woman named Lauren.

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131 thoughts on “EBR 021- How To Make Him Re-Commit To You”

  1. Pauleen

    November 6, 2017 at 7:30 am

    My boyfriend broke up with me due to the stress he’s facing at work from that he decided to go back to home country.

    He broke up with me and avoided me like he decided only by himself. He mentioned that this will be good for us, we need to avoid each other not to suffer more in the future. We need to get used to it youre not there and im not there. (We lived together for almost 6 months and he just woke up one day telling that we need to get out from here and be seperated as the rent is getting high we need to save).

    He ask also one girl to have coffee with him. He said i dont have feeling for her, i only used her for time passing. I ask why you need to ask somebody, im here you can lean on me. He said but i have feeling for you.

    Im sufferring everytime youre near. I need to avoid you i need to be used that youre not there before i leave.

    We didnt message each other since last night. After he drops me home.

    I read most of the articles online, I also purchase your books. Im lost like how can I do the no contact rule to win him back if he will go back to his home country.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 6, 2017 at 8:14 pm

      You just have to start it and approach the relationship as a long distance one..

  2. Ann

    September 21, 2017 at 10:01 pm

    So please bare with me.. My ex and I of 5 years broke up 7 months ago. I implied the no contact for a little over a month and after that we slowly started talking again, eventually we had sex, I put a stop to it and let him know I wasn’t going to be giving up the goods and not be in a relationship. There were little situations when he would go cold on me so each time he went cold on me, I went cold on him. Whenever I did this he would ask me why I didn’t txt him or text back. It came to a point when I did not reply at all for a couple of days and he ended up showing up at my house all upset asking why I’m not replying to him. Not so long ago we finally started to become more affectionate with each other, constantly hanging out almost everyday and he’s always been the one reaching out to me. Until.. Long story short; my friend, his friend, him and I went to a rave last Saturday and his friend the whole time talked about how much of party animal he is blah blah, blah and the whole time she would refer me as a friend to him (she knows we were together). She also made some other comments that I found very disrespectful, but I didn’t say anything I just kept to myself the whole night. She really irritated me and the fact that he wouldn’t tell her to shut up bothered me even more. That night he was also introducing me to his other friends as a friend of his which to me seemed like he was friend zoning me. I definitely noticed a difference in the way he was treating me when we were around his friends as to when wer’re alone with one another, but at the same time when he felt one of his friends were getting to close to me he would pull me aside closer to him. That night when I dropped him off he told me to let him know when I got home. I honestly did not feel like talking to him at all. he ended up texting me asking me if I got home but I never replied. He ended up getting upset with me because I didn’t text him back and didn’t talk to me for the whole day. The next day I talked to him and just explained to him why I was upset and how I didn’t like his friend and how she was acting, he said he understood and apologized. We left it at that and I walked away and he commented on why I didn’t say bye so I just waved. He hasn’t texted me at all. I just seen him yesterday. He would come up to me and talk to me but at the same time kept his distance. I have not made any attempt to contact him. What do I do? Is it time to just let things be? I’m tired of him treating me a certain way and then friend zoning me when it’s convenient to him. He’s telling others we’re friends, as far I know friends don’t get upset like that. so why does he act like that with me and get upset like that? He doesn’t want the commitment of a relationship but at the same time he wants to treat me like I’m his. Please help me!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 27, 2017 at 4:14 pm

      HI Ann,

      why don’t you ask him that?

  3. Reshma Navin

    August 27, 2017 at 10:41 am

    I am in a relationship with a guy, both of us are divorced, 7 months now, and our relationship was going on smoothly(so I thought) Somehow feel and to my opinion at least that being too honest, caring, supportive, loving, faithful, helpful and respectful is a must but impossible thing to keep a man, sometimes those adjectives, takes a toll on me. My love and good intention didn’t change as far as I know, but my relationship with my bf became sour. We had a very good foundation of friendship, where we laughed a lot, good communication, very open and comfortable being together dating regularly, I was told that he felt complete after we kiss and make love over heated arguments. We had plans of travelling this year and other activities with friends and families. Said he was happy because im back, he has decent work with a very good working environment, car, money etc…and seems no missing piece.
    Lately, my bf became distant after I told him that my ex-bf still communicates with me for some reasons, but I gave him the assurance of no possibility of getting back together which I felt he was ok with that. We continued to be normal couple, sharing stories over dinner, drink or coffee. Suddenly, I sensed that there was something wrong, when I had one occasion that I had to host my family who came for a visit and became pre-occupied. Thought he was giving me the time to be with them and felt he was good to meet my family. Before my family left, something strange came across when he turned like cold turkey, our dates became less and his messages was thought beyond normal. I gave him time and space for the meantime, never nag, demand, no text and call gnatting at all.
    Thought i still have the right to ask, and decided to communicate and confirm what was wrong, I was told that he missed the passion and good feeling being with me, but its not there. Said, he tried to isolate himself for a week from me but had a hard time bringing it back. I sent him a message, said that if he thinks that our relationship is still worth it, we can fix and talk about it otherwise, if he is happy with someone else or happier alone, I can let go. His reply was bit reassuring, saying there’s no one else, and still endlessly loves me, but it’s not the same, though he was missing me “somehow”.
    I was caught off guard ….despite of our happy beginnings, im not prepared to face these challenges (yet). I absolutely no clue on what direction of this relationship is going but one thing I know I want to save our relationship as I am comfortable with him. and if things go well im willing to settle down. I maybe paranoid i dont know, but, I want you to run this for me as I’m a bit lost now and confused.

    1. Reshma Navin

      September 2, 2017 at 8:30 pm

      Hi Amor, i met my bf as planned. we had dinner and coffee thereafter. he slept in my place as if everything was back to normal. he said he missed me. Next day we planned to have lunch and while waiting for me to get dressed, i caught him chatting with another woman…so its not all about my ex. I asked him about the girl…it was his colleague that according to him, he attracted her. Said he should have stopped the communications with her before yet. i was stoned when he admitted that he was chatting with her for the reason that we lived apart became lonely and we had issues. i broke down completely, i felt betrayed and cheated, i realized now the reason why the passion has drifted away. knew it was his choice to allow it to happen, a choice that is non negotiable for me. no matter what. he said he still loves me and willing to fight for our relationship. he asked me not to step back as he doesn’t wanna lose me. I ended up our relationship because i was made to understand, “a cheater will always be a cheater” and i cant live with that, i was not born that way. i still love him…so much but the pain was too much to bear. if you ask me if i want him back, yes i do. but to trust him again takes time. i need to heal, and i’m struggling now.

    2. Reshma Navin

      August 28, 2017 at 11:52 am

      Actually, no and not yet. From his last message, he is still willing to meet and talk about it over this weekend. i hope having communication with my ex is the only reason otherwise i’m done. My bf is a person who loves his independence and freedom. just like an old cliche..”its not you, its about me”…which is non negotiable for me. i don’t know what is the best practice to manage this. I need your expert advise

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 28, 2017 at 2:31 pm

      Tell that to him when you talk and if he says he still needs space,start at least 30 days nc

    4. Reshma Navin

      August 27, 2017 at 6:49 pm

      Actually, no and not yet, that i need to find out since he is willing to meet up and talk about it over this weekend. NCR might help him reassess his feelings, and give him more time and space to think about it. Meantime, the feeling is annoying on the hours of solitude, when you miss someone. i hope my communication with my ex is the only reason because i can block my ex completely, otherwise, i’m done. my bf is a person who loves independence and freedom, that itself, is a big threat to me…quite honestly. like the old cliche..”its not you, it’s about me”…is non negotiable for me. Pls. advise the best practice to manage this…appreciate much. thanks

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 27, 2017 at 2:20 pm

      HI Reshma,

      have you asked if the real reason of him being cold was you still talking to your ex?

  4. Robyn

    March 14, 2017 at 9:24 pm

    My ex-boyfriend and I broke up last July. Since then we haven’t really been out of contact with each other. A couple of times now he’s been treating me like more than a friend and acts like he wants me back, but then he pulls away and says that he doesn’t want anything else than friends.
    Recently, he told me that he loved and he wanted to be his again. We stayed together for a week, but as the week went on I started getting more and more agitated because he wasn’t turning his words into actions. This meant we started bickering. He now thinks because we bickered, we won’t work and has now said again that he doesn’t want a relationship and wants to be just friends.
    Admittedly, I am no longer in love with him but I do still love him (if that makes sense) and I do want him back and to try again. He’s being stubborn and saying that it won’t work and that it’s not what he wants.
    It’s like he over thinks something and convinces himself that he doesn’t want it anymore! He’s done a complete 180 and played with my heart again.
    I’m not sure what to do anymore.

    1. Robyn

      March 16, 2017 at 12:30 pm

      I tried it once just after we had broken up

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 16, 2017 at 6:14 pm

      ok, that’s good.. This time, do another one. Stick to at least 30.. He has to think that you’re not going to wait forever..

    3. Robyn

      March 16, 2017 at 12:28 pm

      I did it once, just after we had broken up

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 16, 2017 at 12:10 pm

      Hi Robyn,

      have you done the no contact rule? if yes, how many times?

  5. Miss Shah

    February 10, 2017 at 7:48 am

    Hi Chris,

    I have been in a weird relationship for a really long time. It was on-off like Ross and Rachel. We know each other since school so almost 12 years. and we dated for almost 4 years. The sad part is that it was always long distance. He is USA since 4 years and I live in India. He used to visit India to meet his parents and friends for one month every year. that is when we meet and spend some time together. We indeed kiss and get intimate. He was never 100% sure about his future with me. But he respects me a lot and appreciates my progress in career. Compliments me sometimes for my looks. According to him I am just perfect. There was a time when he cheated on me for 2 months. He soon broke up with her. I figured this out after 8 months. I was really upset and started to believe that he would have cheated on me millions of times since he is too far. I blocked him everywhere honestly. He sent me emails to convince me to forgive him. Called me every other day. He realised how important I was for him. He asked me to marry him but i was so upset that I would hardly reply to him or answer his calls. He then visited India and I broke in front of him. I forgave him and asked him what’s next now. He said he shall talk to his parents now. He told me they will surely accept me and we’ll get engaged soon. But they did not. He is very tall 6′ feet and I am just 5’2. In India parents choose the bride. He tried to convince them even after he went back. I met his family just so they could judge me if I am fit to be in their family. They simply didn’t like me. Maybe they are against love marriage. He tried to make them understand that i am important for him, but then had to give up against his father’s emotions. Throughout this year, we fought a lot and I tried NC lot of times. i have blocked him everywhere. But he will call me or email me whenever he wants to talk. I told him I am going to be available for him whenever he wants. He is back in Inida. We meet, we kiss, we get intimate. He says he loves me. But he is seeing other girls for an arrange marriage. He asked me to move on. He said we can be nothing more than friends and you need to accept this. He also said that I need you in my life in any form. If love did not materialise into marriage, it is okay. But honestly for me it is not okay. He will be leaving back in 10 days. I want him to change his decision. If he gets engaged in next 10 days. I will have no option but to move on. But if he doesn’t (which he said he won’t) what should I do to win him back? Please help me.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 10, 2017 at 6:59 pm

      Hi Miss Shah,

      you need to stop allowing other people treat you in the way you dont want to. If he’s going to marry someone else, move on.. If not,.make him work for you. If he still seeing other women while seeing you, move on.. because what you allow will happen. If he can see you’re ok with what he’s doing, of course he knows you don’t like it, but you’re still present in his life, so why change right?

  6. Priscilla

    February 1, 2017 at 5:09 am

    Hi Amor,

    It’s been 4 months since our breakup, I made the major sins that you should not do post breakup, I.e. Requested him to give it another chance, tell him I miss him, and slept with him 2 weeks ago. I am finding it so hard to move on, I had access to his social media because he hadn’t changed the password so I found him talking to a stranger about me saying how he was dumb to even meet me after our break up, and that he wanted action no drama. He even found out that I logged onto his facebook. I am finding it so hard to move on as it was my first relationship (long-distance), and I had known him for 4/5 years. Is there any chance of me getting him back? I brought the ex-boyfriend recovery pro, I just don’t know where to go from here. My life has become a standstill, I just can’t love anyone the same again. Can you please give me some guidance as to what I should or shouldn’t do.
    Many Thanks

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 1, 2017 at 2:48 pm

      Hi Priscilla,

      do you want to do the no contact rule?

  7. Liz

    January 18, 2017 at 8:23 pm

    Hi so I am having some trouble getting my ‘ex’ to either recommit or just let me move on. Any time I think I should move on he starts trying again and pulls me back in and then it gets to a point where we are in limbo again. He does not want to be in a relationship while we are living in different cities and he is very busy with his studies. He has told me he wants to be together and live together after college but I am unsure if that is just a tactic to keep me around. I do not think he is being malicious but i do not know what to do about this situation. This kind of together, kind of not thing we have been doing for a long time has caused me to be the needy, emotional one in the relationship and I know that does not make the situation any better. At this point I kind of just need a game plan and know whether or not I should just stop communicating and move on or believe him when he is telling me he is busy and wants to be together eventually

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 19, 2017 at 6:17 pm

      Hi Liz,

      he may have been doing it unintentionally but for the cycle to stop, you have to stop feeding it.. either you go in a very long nc or move on

  8. Kandice

    January 6, 2017 at 4:28 am

    Hi chris,

    First, let me say I love your articles! They are very direct & honest! I have a situation with my ex that I need a little advice on. My ex and I had been seeing each other for 5 months [exclusive for 2.5 of thoes month]. Intiallaly, Id say with in a week or two of us seeing each other he wanted to be exclusive, but I felt it was necessary to take it slow [I had gotten out of a bad relationship months prior]. However, he got to me because he is quite the charmer lol and I began to reconsider. Feelings started to develope and now I was the one wanting to be with him! Then he started saying he didnt want a serious relationship right & blah lblah and I guess I went with the flow because I thought maybe it was too soon for me to be in a relationship anways after everything I had been through. So i just enjoyed our momement, but secretly I wanted us to end up together. We kept getting closer emotionally. finally one day I was over it, I wanted to know where this was going, because If it wasnt going anywhere im moving on. About 2.5 months in On my dads birthday was the day he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was so happy and we had such passionate sex haha. But umm anyways lol fast foward everything was great untill after thanks giving he started being distant and I could tell, but I never said anything I just gave him space. One day after we had dinner with his friends I told him I think he should meet my mom (bad move)! He says you I really dont see us like that to meet your mom. I was mad, but I wasnt gonna give him the satisfaction. We had our discussion but i dont remeber because I was so mad that zoned out and just wanted to go home. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and I left. I text the next day to ask to meet up, and talk, no response. So I texted that I get the feeling maybe we should be friends no response. So I left him alone only to see him at work [we worked together) I was gonna talk to him afterwards, but he ends up getting fired! Walks out without a word! I messaged him to make sure he was okay, no reposnse. Then I sent message saying that Its not cool that he is ignoring me and if wants to break up thays fine but have respect for me to respond! He did out of the blue 3 days later. Saying he was sorry and all, and that he wass embarrased for being fired, and scared because family is agianst us [im black he is white]. He sais he is inlove with who I am & cares about me so much & that he wanted to meet up. We meet up have a nice brich and then when sit in his car he says i think we should be friends, its not younits me, im dont want anything long term. Wth?! That messed me all up! Then he got to explaing everthing, he said im the perfect girl and that he can see his self with me, but doesnt want to hurt me and doesnt want a relationship, he doesnt want me to wait.:( .. despite of me shedding a few tears I told him I wanted him to be happy and that i respect his descion. We didnt speak for about a 1.5 weeks and he messaged me merry christmas. I said the same. Then intiated the sexual flirting (i know bad), but I could help myself. We ended up going out to brunch agian a week later. And then i spent the night at his house for new years its been 4 days since I have hear from him. I truly want this to work we are great together [ he said he loved everything about & i loved everything about him]. This is the man I truly want to be with for a long time ( i never said that about anyone not even my ex) but I know that its not good to want someone with commitent issues. I try to self i am valuable and lots of guys can replace him but, I cant stop thinking about him. What should I do? Am i wasting me time? I have no problem moving on, but i have hope he will come back. Btw I have been talking to other guys to pass the time and working alot, But when Im alone it gets to me. If you can help that would be great!
    Thank you so much!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 7, 2017 at 7:51 pm

      Hi Kandice,

      its normal to feel that way because you’re still in the honeymoon phase.. you mean you’re doing the advice above by starting the no contact rule right? If you are do 30 days..

  9. Jasmine

    September 27, 2016 at 3:40 pm

    Hey EBR

    I’m in a situation with such an amazing guy , my best friend. We’ve been together for about 4 months (not dating). I am his first and he’s emotionally immature , very , because of circumstances at home,school back then etc. a Month ago , I questioned the fact that we are not dating. We do everything , we might as well date , and also what is wrong with dating the guy you like these days? He wanted to but he fears that I don’t trust him (lol). This has been said to me twice. I then asked for a break away from him ,and then made him pick , it’s either we date or nothing because what’s the point? If this is not something he’s working towards , I also assured him that I’ll be patient with him and help him. He then told me he can’t do it because he feels like he needs to work on himself. So we “broke up” , I’ve spent quite a few weeks with him after that and we falled back into the same pattern , people basically call us a couple. I realised that this isn’t helping and gave him a final goodbye. We’re at university so we stay quite close to each other , and we left on good terms. I want to do the no contact challenge because we have something special , in hopes that he comes back and realises that this was good. He still messages me on facebook , saying he saved me one of my favorite cupcakes, and even sent me a heart by mistake. I haven’t replied. Should I still not reply? Considering that there’s no bad blood , all love and we run in the same circle. I don’t want him to think that I am disregarding him or that I’m acting faulty.

    Kind regards

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 28, 2016 at 5:31 pm

      Hi Jasmine,

      you already said your final goodbye right? So, that means it would be better to stick to nc to really convey that you’re not into just being friends for now..

  10. Jess

    August 31, 2016 at 8:58 pm

    Things are going great! It’s been 4-5 months since we broke up. I used the NC rule and he contacted me a couple times. We texted on and off after the NC period. I saw him at a mutual friend’s event and he seemed very interested in me. He asked me to meet up a week later for a drink. He told me he missed me and we ended up making out. I asked if this meant he wanted to get back together and he said I don’t know, we should hang out and get to know each other again first. I took that to mean he wants to date and take things slow – he’s not 100% sure about me. He’s been texting me every day, mostly confiding in me and talking about the past. I’m a little afraid he’s using me for emotional support but isn’t going to commit. He has asked me if I’m free to hang out on the weekend. Should I agree to see him? He just seems wishy washy.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 1, 2016 at 12:38 pm

      Hi jess,

      yes but you should leave at a high point.. same with messages, end it at a high point

  11. Michi

    August 30, 2016 at 12:46 am

    Ok so I’m in a tricky situation..
    My ex and I recently got back together, but not really. Once I let him back in he started treating me like we never broke up but we still haven’t made it official. He’s still angry and bitter about how our relationship had ended and claims that’s the reason he won’t date me yet. I want to push a response out of him because I myself don’t want to waste my time on somebody who’s so indecisive about stuff like this but I know if I push him he’ll just get annoyed. I can’t exactly go out of my way to prove my worth like going on dates or something because I know he’ll take it as some sort of betrayal and yea. What do I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 31, 2016 at 12:13 pm

      HI Michi,

      you don’t have to go on dates but you have to be less available.. and don’t sleep with him..

  12. Scared

    July 17, 2016 at 1:55 am

    I hope someone responds because it seems no one has really respond to questions on this article/podcast. But I’m in a situation where I do want my ex boyfriend to commit with me. Before we broke up he basically told me he doesn’t see a future with me. We’ve dated for 3 years. But early on he kept on insisting we will get married, have kids and so forth. Then just maybe a couple years later his attitude changed.

    I had read that a guy may have changed his mind because of course something happened in between that time where he just lost that feeling about me.

    Anyways I’m associating this article with my concern. I want my ex to commit to me again. Chris says to show him your value and one way to do that is to show him other men are willing to lock you down. And to do this is to .

    show this to him by subtly showing him on Facebook and other indirect methods. You want to show him that other men are chasing you.

    Can you give me examples on how to do this on fb? Do I just post on fb, “date night”. Please, let me know.

    1. Scared

      July 17, 2016 at 7:07 pm

      I should think before I submit. But should I include names in these posts if I do go out on a date, or just leave it as a mystery? I have used a little bit of jealousy during NC which I’m still in. I posted about going to the movies, saying, “we enjoyed the movie (title)” I posted that on fb. But I didn’t include names or gender. So if he saw the post it could be a female or male I went with.

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 19, 2016 at 1:41 pm

      it’s ok to include names..

    3. Scared

      July 17, 2016 at 7:02 pm

      Thank you. We don’t have mutual friends, so that route is out. I’m friends with his family members on fb still. They continue to like my posts. But I’ll keep in mind on using fb for going out on dates.

    4. Scared

      July 17, 2016 at 1:58 am

      And what are some other indirect methods?

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 17, 2016 at 6:14 pm

      It would be better of the post was more natural. Like captioning the oic with a thank for “something” thr guy did or gave you.. or just simply saying in the post like ” We are definitely going to that place you said!”

      Facebook is the best indirect way, but also keeping in touch with mutual friends help.. Nope, you don’t ask them for help or say to their faces that you’re doing better and dating other.. Just be looking your best, not opening up any tooic about your and reacting in a light way if they open up a topic about him is good.. they will probably relay how you’re just doing good and living life when they see him again..

  13. gl

    October 21, 2015 at 4:12 am

    I am currently in a similar situation. The “relationship” I had with this guy never really was a full blown relationship. We hit a wall with communication, definitely both our faults, although he thinks he’s the victim, and he’s definitely the angry guy. (Loved your insight on this in other articles, Chris), and well over the past 8 months I’ve been blocked on his phone multiple times. The first time I was unblocked he approached me for sex, which I refused and try to talk about what went wrong. I found out he didn’t feel as strongly about me as I did him. I sent him an angry text, and got blocked again. I really tried to move on, especially when I discovered he might be involved with someone else. Well I decided to call him up from another phone, I was so damn bothered by the thought things were that bad between us…..I genuinely thought he was done, and I wanted to make sure it was alright to frequent hang outs without problems. Well he brought up sex again. Mind you I had poured out my feelings to him and so at that point I thought that sex was all he wanted. I said no, let’s be friends. He obliged, we hung out as friends, and he put the moves on. Well I tried as casually as possible to bring up this other woman thing….he blew up and forbade me ever to contact him again, but said he wasn’t cheating. So time goes by, and I apologized to appease his victim crap, and I get a text, to my surprise. A flirty, relationshippy text. I decided to respond with wit. I agreed to sex, and to my surprise again, it seems like he enjoys my company because we went somewhere where his peers hang out, after we had sex. So I’m pretty confused about his feelings for me. So I brought up the other woman thing. He basically said he’s seeing other women and not committed to anyone and doesn’t want me to ask about it. He was angry….I got angry…blocked again. Well I saw the guy again, and we ignored each other. I decided ignoring each other was stupid, and I felt like it was over for me…so I called, left a message saying I was over it and we don’t have to be complete strangers. He texted me, (again to my surprise), briefly mentioned sex and I told him that wasn’t going to happen again because I wanted a boyfriend and he’s the kind of guy I want. We texted for a while, and thus far has responded to my texts, like a gentleman, pretty much right away. Thats a big deal because he will ignore your texts. I am going to try the hot and cold thing, see how he reacts. I sent a text joking about getting a foot rub…so I don’t know I guess I’ll be cold for a little bit. I figured out my “crap,” regarding this situation. Ready to approach it as a new dating experience with him…it seems like he has feelings for me. Time will tell. I’ve been on many dates with other guys and no one is like him, and the “what if,” still lingers.

  14. Shanet

    August 22, 2015 at 9:59 pm

    So my ex and I were together for 4 years, broke up 9 months ago, we both have had time to date other ppl (keep in mind we have broken up 3 times already), and now we have been dating again for the last 2 months. He won’t make it exclusive tho?? Since it has been a while I brought up the conversation today because he noticed a guy had texted me. He seemed to have gotten a little jealous but then sais he doesn’t care if a guy messages me because he knows I’m not going anywhere and I like him (my ex) too much. I know I probably said this wrong but I said “no girl is allowed to text you or call you’re mine”. Though I said it with a sweet smile he said that we are together but he is a free agent. That he does not want to commit to me because then I have all these expectations and he will probably not meet them all. What do though I said it with a sweet smile he said that we are together but he is a free agent. That he does not want to commit to me because then I have all these expectations and he will probably not meet them all. what do I do if I want him to ACTUALLY commit!? Let me say too that he mentioned he is motivated by fear. How do I put the fear of loss in him without it making it look obvious that I’m trying to make him jealous? AND I don’t want it to back fire and then he starts going back out on dates.

    I hope to hear from you soon!!! Thank you

  15. Charlie

    April 27, 2015 at 12:40 pm

    Hey Chris,

    I was exclusively seeing a guy, and then I know I came across as desperate one night in one of our phone conversations. He told me he was tired of me constantly questioning his commitment, I could tell our phone call was going no where so I hung up. The next day I sent him a text to apologise and called him later that night- with no response. He has not contacted me since, it has been just 1.5 weeks. I haven’t talked to him at all since my last message. He’s 10 years older than me but we had such great chemistry. We used to talk every day on the phone, and message constantly for the last 6 months, now we don’t talk. Will the no contact rule and the tips in this article work in this scenario?

    Thanks x

  16. Samantha

    April 15, 2015 at 3:50 am

    hey Chris thanks for this amaing post. Let me tell you that I wrote you back a year ago desperate to get my ex back and asking you bunch or needy questions which you actually answered in a great and comprehensive way. So we started talking and once he told me there was no chance of getting back together I threw the towel. Jerk! I was working 24/7 on getting back to him and he just threw me out off the window. So anyways, I wanted to thank you because, when I stopped trying he came back and started looking to meet and reconnect, which we had. We are not together, and I will leave in less tan a month to another continent to work so getting back together on a long term is a possibility I really am not sure about and I am ok with it. But the point is. he is actually looking to meet and spending time together, chilling together… We spoke about everything bad we didi in the past and we took all the hate out of our system. I really understood that the point is to give time time, and that if a girl/boy wants to get a man back, she/he has to be aware that the other person may go and the world will keep spinning. I know it oaunds easy to do but in reality is super hard to put oneself on the edge, of risking it all without risking at all. I read that on your posts often but I never got it, until now.
    I will not talk about a future or coming backk just yet, if he wants so he will have to ask me, and that may sound risky but you know what? I know I will live and be fabulous with ot without him and that is in my personal case the key to get this exboyfreind back: to try without trying. So thank you again for making me know exactly what it takes.

    1. Alice

      April 28, 2015 at 10:27 pm

      Yes. I like the way you are telling your story, too. In fact, I have experienced it several times in my life. With different men. Always the same. But I just didn’t want them back after all. Not that strong as when we broke up. I get hurt, then disappointed, then tired of negative emotions and then just decide to move on. And they come back later saying – oh I wanted you so much, but I was scared..” or “I didn’t know what I’m gonna lose” etc … My friend’s joking saying “you are just too scary for men :))
      I love this site – In some way I feel so comfortable reading stuff here. I believe in every single word that Chris says, just because it’s true. And… he is a man 🙂

    2. Chris Seiter

      April 16, 2015 at 3:55 pm

      I like that try without trying.

      That is everything in a nutshell!

  17. Adeline

    April 7, 2015 at 2:07 pm

    Hi Chris, I have recently broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years for about 2 months now. He is currently overseas for a school trip and will only be back 2 months from now. I have done the one month of NC after the break up. And we decided to meet up recently. He said that he doesn’t want to commit nor have responsibilities in a relationship currently as he likes his singlehood and freedom now. However when I met him and acted cooly, he started taking advancements on me like flirting with me and trying to kiss me which I didn’t reciprocate. I told him not to do that if it doesn’t mean that he wants me back but he still continued. We talked about our individual current issues that we are facing in life currently and emotions ran high and we hooked up but I resisted at first only to give in at the end (which I regretted). I met him about 1 more time and the same scenario occurred. After that the day before we parted, he said that what we had done for the past few days are just residued feelings left of the pas relationship. He told me to move on and get a better guy. But he also said that I will always have a special place in his heart no matter what happens and he wants me to remain as his bestfriend in the new path of his life. Isn’t he giving me mixed signals? What should I do? I really want things to work out for us for our relationship 🙁

    Hope to hear from you soon!

  18. Cynthia

    April 3, 2015 at 7:41 pm

    Hi Chris,

    My ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged for two. In those years we’ve hurt each other a lot and broke each other’s trust. Two days ago he said that he didn’t want me romantically anymore because I’d hurt him too much and killed the hope he has for our relationship. He went on to say that although he’s never remained friends with an ex he would with me if I wanted him to due to our history and his respect for me. We’ve talked a few times in the last couple days with me mainly apologizing for hurting him.

    During a call today I was in a particularly bad place and asked him if he’d been with anyone else and if not, if we could be intimate one last time because we never had issues there (and he’s my first everything). He said he agreed that we has great intimacy but that his mind wouldn’t permit him to give into that. Then he hung up. A few minutes later he called back and apologized saying he’s pretty hurt still and that he respects me. He also said he was still willing to be friends with me because he at one point wanted to marry me but that we could only meet at neutral places.

    He seems clear about not wanting me anymore. I think NC is necessary but I wonder, Chris, if his emotional displays mean he still loves me?

  19. Jessica

    April 2, 2015 at 3:15 pm

    Hi Chris! I purchased your book earlier today and read through it. It was some great advice. I am not emotional over the break up, although it happened 5 days ago. It is slightly disheartening that he has not contacted me yet when we were basically contacting each other daily consistently while we were dating. That being said, my boyfriend broke up with me saying he had no feelings for me since we fought a lot over the last 2 months of our relationship, although I didn’t see it coming since there was no sign of him losing feelings. He was being affectionate as ever. By taking part in NC, isn’t there a higher chance of him moving on than missing me if he truly has no feelings? It’s hard to believe he lost feelings since he recently told a mutual friend he misses companionship and thought the breakup was difficult to do, even though he still agrees with his decision. Thank you for your time, any advice would really be helpful. I love your book!

    1. admin

      April 3, 2015 at 12:53 am

      Thanks Jessica,

      For some reason lately people are not liking it. A lot of people are asking for refunds 🙁 . So, I am glad that you like it.

      I think its a function of how long NC is.

    2. Jessica

      April 3, 2015 at 12:26 pm

      Thank you for your response.
      Yes, well, I was also going to ask for a refund due to your tips not being applicable to my situation. From what was told to me by a mutual friend last night was that he still has yet to admit he has feelings. He says he likes me as a friend and that’s it. It’s been 6 days since our break up, and 5 days of no contact. That being said, he is adamant that he wanted at least 2 months of space before even thinking about responding to a text. So I don’t think 30 days of NC will apply. This man seems certain he is over our relationship. His anxiety was too much up to the point where if I even texted him after a fight, he would flinch from his ringer. I certainly feel that I deserve someone who doesn’t fall to anxiety so quicly. I appreciate your help, and I’m sure you can see this as a lost cause too. I’ll keep the book however, for future situations maybe? :/

  20. Noelle

    March 30, 2015 at 9:37 am

    By far the most motivational podcast yet. Thank you!

    1. admin

      March 31, 2015 at 10:18 pm

      Super glad it spoke to you!


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