Having the ability to convince a man to do something is one of the most powerful abilities that a woman can obtain.
Well, that is what we are going to be teaching Jess today.
Specifically we are going to be showing her how to convince her ex boyfriend to get back with her.
Outlook Of Jess’ Situation
- She was with her boyfriend for 13 years (YUP, you read that right.)
- He left her for another woman.
- She was recently diagnosed with depression (the Ex Boyfriend Recovery family is more than happy to provide her with the support she needs.)
- She has implemented the no contact rule and is actively focusing on herself.
- Recently her ex has gotten back into touch with her.
- Her ex is even ignoring his girlfriend a little bit to talk to her.
- She wonders if her ex boyfriend is completely done with her?
I am super pumped to help Jess (so much so that I recorded this episode right when I woke up this morning.)
Anyways, lets get right down to the nitty gritty.
What I Talk About In This Episode
- The advantages and disadvantages that go along with being with someone for 13 years.
- Whether or not the new girlfriend is a rebound.
- What I think contributed to the breakup.
- The super good news for Jess.
- Getting an ex back from a position of strength.
- Figuring out what you bring to the equation that no one else can.
- The newness factor.
- Not being an easy target.
Important Links I Mention In This Episode
I didn’t mention too many important links in this episode.
But the ones I can recall mentioning are below,
- Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO (My E-Book)
- House of Cards in Episode 11
- Recording A Voice Mail For The Podcast
- Leaving A Review on iTunes
Hmm… I guess I did mention more than I thought.
How bout that.
The Keys To Convincing An Ex Boyfriend To Be With You (The Game Plan)
As always, below I have compiled a game plan that can help a woman convince her ex boyfriend to get back with her.
Check it out,
Get Him Back From A Position Of Strength
In the episode I gave a pretty fun example of selling watches to explain the difference between selling from a position of strength vs selling from a position of weakness.
Well, the same principle applies when you are trying to get your ex boyfriend back.
You need to convince him from a position of strength rather than of weakness.
What Can You Provide Him With That No Other Girl Can?
Convincing a man to do something is all about his best interests.
What do I mean by that?
Well, is dating you in his best interest?
If it’s not then you need to work to show him that you can provide things to him that no other girl can.
Do A Few Mini NC Periods
In this episode I talk about the idea of a “newness factor” and how as a society we like things that are new.
Well, a mini NC rule can work wonders to manufacture periods of newness to fascinate your ex.
Listen to that part of the episode to fully grasp what I am talking about here with that.
Your Not As Easy To Get Back As He Thinks
Jess, I am sorry to say this but you are easy…
NO, not like that (get your mind out of the gutter.)
What I mean is that your ex boyfriend probably thinks you are easy to get back so you have to prove him wrong.
Show him that you aren’t as easy to get back as he thinks.
Remember, men always want what they can’t have.
Welcome to Episode 14 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Last week, I was supposed to do a few more of these podcasts. I’m aiming to have at least five a week done. Due to a lot of external factors, I wasn’t able to dedicate the amount of time that I usually am to do these podcast. This is for a number of reasons.
I’m really working hard to expand the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery brand. One of the big projects on my plate right now is doing a complete redesign of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery website. I got in touch with a designer last week. I talked to him. He’s over in New Zealand. I talked to him for about an hour.
We spent the entire week brainstorming ideas on how the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery website should look. A lot of my time was spent focusing on that project as well as building content and answering the questions on Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. As a result, I wasn’t able to answer the podcast questions. That is going to change this week. I’m going to work really hard to make sure that I have five episodes out by Friday.
Today’s episode is long overdue. It’s from a woman named Jess who has commented in the show notes on almost every single podcast episode that I’ve come out with. She’s been asking me to answer her question. I was planning on doing it last week. Due to the external factors of working on bigger projects and all the things that go along with that, I didn’t have the time to do it until now.
Today we’re going to hear from Jess who wants to learn how she can convince her ex-boyfriend to be with her. She’s in a bit of a tricky situation. Let’s hear from her now:
“Hi, Chris. My name is Jess. My story starts about six months ago when my boyfriend of thirteen years left me for another woman. In the past two months, I’ve also been diagnosed with depression that I’ve probably been battling with for at least thirteen years.
At the time of the breakup, he said to me that he saw no future. He felt that he had wasted and lost a portion of his life with me. I’ve done the whole desperate girlfriend scenario. I’ve hit rock bottom. I’ve done the no contact. I’m working on myself.
About two months ago, I texted him to let him know of the depression diagnosis. At first, there was not much communication. Most recently, he has started to talk to me via text. Even more recently, he and I had a whole day of a texting session that started with a text but ended with a phone call, which he insisted on. Although he’s persistent with his feelings and has said that I need to start dating, my heart is with him, so that’s out of the question. Even when his girlfriend showed up unexpectedly, he was still insistent on us texting back and forth after she went to bed.
I refused on that one. Now his communication is starting to increase. He’s persistent on being there for me and helping me out even though he’s with her and has no feelings for me. What do you do with that breaking of the wall that he has put up? He’s hurt and scarred. Or is he just done with me?”
Wow, you were with your boyfriend for 13 years. That’s a really long time. That’s longer than a lot of marriages. I will say this. I absolutely love helping and providing advice to women like you. If you were together that long with someone, you have more at stake. You’re more invested in the result. You’re more willing to do what it takes to win this person back.
Thirteen years is a big portion of your life. That’s over a decade. When you have that much time invested, you want things to work out. Sure, speed bumps happen here and there. There are definitely ways to overcome the speed bumps. I’m going to talk to you about how to do that right now. Hopefully this will be a small blip on the radar and you guys can live happily ever after.
Here is a quick recap. You were with your boyfriend for 13 years. He left you for another woman. I’m really sorry about that, Jess. That’s horrible. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling and going through, especially with this recent diagnosis. I’m going to do my best to help you.
He left you for another woman. You were diagnosed with depression. You have done no contact. You are actively working on improving yourself. He’s been talking to you recently, so much so that he’s talking to you while his girlfriend shows up. He just continues to talk to you. You’re wondering how you can get him back in this instance and also if he’s done with you.
The first thing I want to talk to you about is the time frame and the longevity that you’ve had with your ex-boyfriend. Thirteen years is a massive amount of time. There are certain advantages and disadvantages to being with someone that long. Let’s start with the disadvantage. We’ll do the bad news first and then hit you with the good news. The good news is always better than the bad news.
The big disadvantage I see with being together with someone for 13 years is that you have to constantly spice things up. Things can get boring if you don’t do that. I think that this may be one of the reasons that he broke up with you. When you’re together with someone for 13 years, things can get boring if you don’t take the necessary steps or actions to do something about it.
Maybe that happened in your case. Maybe he got a little bored with the relationship. He wanted to try different things out and date other people in order to live a little. That is not necessarily a great thing for him to do but it’s not the end of the world. You need to remember that.
I have a friend who I haven’t spoken to in about a year. He told me an interesting story about him and his girlfriend. He was with her for close to six years, which is nowhere near thirteen years. Still, in my mind, six years is a long time. I remember one day he told me, “Chris, I love her to death. She’s my best friend. I will probably end up marrying her, but I’m kind of bored. When you’re together with someone that long, you know everything there is to know about them. It’s just boring. There’s no newness factor.”
This is not just men, but human beings in general crave that newness. Take a look at how we are constantly glued to our TV screens for a new episode of American Idol, Walking Dead or Game of Thrones. I spoke recently about my addiction to House of Cards. The reason I was so addicted to House of Cards was this newness factor. It was a new season of House of Cards that was released all at once. All of a sudden, I binge watched it and it’s over. I have to wait another year for the new season to come out.
As a society, we are all addicted to newness. New things come out. New is better than old. That’s not always the case. For example, when you date someone new, there is this honeymoon period. There is this excitement that comes with dating someone new for the first time. I think maybe he lost that a little bit with you, Jess. It contributed to his reasoning for the breakup.
Let’s get into the uplifting and motivational stuff. The biggest advantage that you have from being with him for 13 years is that 13 years is a massively long time in relationships. Let’s not kid ourselves. When you look at someone who has been married for 27 years, they would probably say, “Oh, 13 years is nothing.” For most of the listeners, 13 years is a long time. Most women haven’t been with their exes for more years.
You’ve really done something, Jess. Do not take that away from yourself. In that span of 13 years, you’ve had tons of opportunities to build a connection. That’s really hard to break. I think that is also working in your favor. I think that could also be the reason that he is so reluctant to cut contact with you.
There are some breakups that men go through where they will just flat out ignore their ex-girlfriend. They won’t talk to them ever again. That’s definitely not happening in your case. I think you have built a bond with him that this new girl probably can’t compete with.
Also, when you’re together with someone for 13 years, there is this factor that you have to consider. The new girl could just be a rebound. Like I said, one of the reasons he may have broken up with you is the newness factor. He wants something new. This new girl is going to appease the newness factor but she can’t compete with 13 years of history.
I’m not saying that you’re going to get him back 100% of the time. I’m not saying that at all. Even in cases like yours, it’s hard to win an ex back. But there are certain things that you can do to increase your odds of success. I will talk about them a little bit later.
I’d like to zone in on a phrase you said when you were describing your situation. You said that you contacted your ex-boyfriend. He was texting you. His ex-girlfriend came in and he still wanted to contact you. He still wanted to text you. This is extremely good news for a few reasons. I’m going to be straight with you. I don’t know any woman who would be okay with what he’s doing.
Put yourself in the new girlfriend’s position, Jess. Imagine if you were dating your boyfriend and, all of a sudden, you come home. You’re really excited to see him. He’s on the phone. You think, “Maybe he’s on some sort of work call.” Then you start listening in to his conversation. You hear that it’s not a work-related phone call. It’s more of a personal-related phone call.
He’s trying to help someone through a recent diagnosis of something. You were diagnosed with depression and you told him. He’s having a reaction to that. He’s coming to protect you, so to speak.
As a woman, if you put yourself in his new girlfriend’s shoes, you’re probably not going to be okay with him providing that kind of protection and security for another woman. You would be okay with him providing protection and security for you, your needs and problems.
But some other woman’s problems? That’s not going to jive too well. If he keeps contacting you, trying to provide this protection and security and his new girlfriend sees this, she’s going to grow jealous. What happens when people get jealous? Fights often ensue. He doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong. She clearly thinks that what he’s doing is wrong. They’re going to butt heads. It’s going to cause friction between them.
You asked, “Is he done with me?” The fact that he’s doing this clearly indicates that he’s not done with you. I’m all about actions as opposed to words. To me, words don’t mean much. Actions mean everything. If you say, “I am going to open the door for this person,” but you do not open the door for the person, that makes you a liar. You didn’t really mean it.
If you say, “I’m going to open the door for this person,” and you open the door for them, that means you really meant what you said. That’s what you’re going for. Look at your ex-boyfriend’s actions. Take his words out entirely. Maybe he said mean things to you. Maybe he said, “We’re done forever and I just don’t see a future with you.”
The fact that he’s providing this assistance to you in your time of need and he’s willing to make his new girlfriend angry shows that he’s clearly not over you. Deep down, he knows that’s a risk. He just doesn’t care. It shows he’s clearly not done with you. Whether you should get him back or not is a decision wholly up to you.
I’m going to give you a game plan for how you can increase your odds of convincing him to get back with you. The first thing I want to talk about with the game plan is getting him back from a position of strength, and not weakness. This is a mistake that I see too many women make. They beg for their exes back. They try to get their exes back from a position of weakness.
The example that I’m going to provide has to do with selling. Imagine that you walked into a store and you were trying to buy a watch. It doesn’t really matter what type of watch it is. You just know that you want to buy a watch. A salesperson comes up to you. He talks really low. He’s not very confident with himself.
He’s trying to pitch a watch to you but you really don’t know what he’s saying because he’s not confident. If someone talked to you like that in the store and was trying to pitch a product to you, they are doing so from a position of weakness. The salesperson is not confident with themselves. He doesn’t seem like he knows what he’s doing. He doesn’t appear up to the task.
Now let’s say another salesperson walks up to you in the same store, selling the same exact watch to you. They tell you, “Jess, I know you love telling time. This watch will tell time better than any watch you could imagine. In fact, it’s so effective that it will literally speak the time to you. You put it on and this watch will speak the time to you.
You don’t even have to do any work. It speaks the time to you. I haven’t even gotten to the best part yet. It is the best-looking watch on the market. There is no better watch than this watch. This watch is the trendsetter. If you don’t have this watch in five years, you’re going to be a loser. All of your friends are going to think you’re a loser.” Something tells me that you’d be more willing to buy from the second person that came up to you. This was the person selling from a position of strength rather than the person selling from a position of weakness.
You almost need to have this kind of effect when you’re trying to get your ex-boyfriend back. I think right now, Jess, you’re trying to get him back from a position of weakness. I’m not saying that to hurt your feelings. I’m saying that to help you correct it. In my opinion, trying to convince an ex-boyfriend to be with you is a lot like selling a product, except you’re selling yourself.
How do you sell yourself? The first thing you want to do is figure out what you can provide to him that no one else can. Maybe it’s emotional support. Maybe it’s physical aspects. You want to figure this out.
Let me give you an example of me and my wife. What can I provide to her that no other man can? I can list off one million qualities. I’m loyal. I do my very best to provide. I try in the relationship. I listen to her needs. I listen to her problems. I try to fix her problems. I try to appease her needs. I like to think of myself as someone who is constantly working to improve his relationship with his wife.
As a result, my wife has seen me as probably the best man she’s ever dated. As a result, I’m married to her. She said yes when I asked her to marry me. That’s because I figured out what I was good at. I figured out what I could provide to her that no other man could. A lot of this had to do with me getting background on her past dating history, what was done to her poorly and making sure that I never repeat those behaviors that her ex-boyfriends did to her.
I think you need to do this with your ex-boyfriend. You need to figure out what you can provide to him that no other girl can. Right now, you’re off to a great start because you’ve been with him for so long. No other girl can, overnight, manufacture 13 years with him. This new girl, in that respect, is not as much of a threat.
I’m not saying that she’s not a threat, because she clearly is. She’s dating your ex-boyfriend. But you do have that leg up on her. You also need to figure out what you can provide to your ex-boyfriend that no other girl can. Then you need to highlight these things when you talk to him. You need to make subtle reminders when you talk to him. You can learn about how to do that in my book, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. This is a step-by-step guide to getting your ex-boyfriend back.
Let’s move on to the next aspect of the game plan. We’ve already talked about selling yourself from a position of strength. We’ve talked about figuring out what you can provide your boyfriend that no other woman can. I also think, Jess, in your situation that doing a few mini no contact periods is a really good idea.
I’ll tell you why. Your ex-boyfriend knows he can have you back anytime he wants. You need to remove this from the equation. If he thinks he can have you, that’s a mistake. The second he thinks he can have you, that’s the second he will get confident. You need to push this down. Men don’t want things that they can have. I already explained this with the newness factor. They want something new.
You have to constantly work to create new aspects of yourself that he needs to obtain. A good way to do this is to have these mini no contact periods. Let him think that he has you for a second. Then—bam—go into a mini no contact period. Maybe it’s three or four days of ignoring him flat out. Then come back onto the map.
Create some attraction in that time and then go back into a mini no contact period. Don’t ever go into a no contact period for seven days. Let him understand that he doesn’t have you. He can’t have you. You’re not as easy to get back with as he thinks. You need to shift his paradigm. You need to make sure that you create this feeling of him wanting you.
You need to make sure that he understands that you’re not going to be as easy to get as he thinks. He needs to work to get you back. That will raise your value in his eyes. I know it’s simple advice, but it’s harder to pull off than you think. It’s also extremely effective.
Women come to my website and say, “Chris, I did it. I tried to get him back. I really tried to put myself in a position of strength and create this thing where he’s always chasing me, but I couldn’t get him back.” I used to get upset when I would hear that. Then I started asking these women questions. I was upset because I want my advice to work. I really want to help you as much as I possibly can.
I started asking, “Explain the exact thing that happened.” They would tell me, “I broke the no contact rule. Maybe I begged a little bit.” When it came down to it, they weren’t as un-gettable as they thought. They were very gettable. You can create this paradigm shift where your ex-boyfriend thinks, “She’s not as easy to get as I thought she was.” That’s going to work wonders for you in the future. That might help him want to get back with you. It will convince him to get back with you.
What is it that I’m always peddling on this podcast, my website, in my content and products? Men want what they can’t have. Don’t give yourself to him right away. Make him work. Make him try. Make him jump through hoops. He may say he hates it, but deep down, he loves it.
He’s hardwired that way. He’s hardwired to work to get a woman. That’s the way things are. Men are hunters and women are gatherers. Think of it that way. Men like to hunt. Give him something to hunt—you. Make him work. Don’t make it an easy hunt. You need to be a harder hunt than the other girls. Then he will chase you constantly.
That’s it for Episode 14, how to convince your ex-boyfriend to be with you. I hope that helps you, Jess. I’m going to put a link in the show notes to my ebook, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. I really think that can help a lot of you when trying to figure out how to get your ex-boyfriend to chase you.
Thanks for listening. Please go to my page on iTunes. Subscribe and review it. I really need those reviews. If you can provide them, I will be eternally grateful. I’m pumped up. I woke up today and thought, “I need to do this podcast. I need to get it out of the way.” Now that I’ve talked for almost 25 minutes, I’m pumped up.
I’m ready to go today. This is a great way to start my day. I’m going to do this more often. I will see you tomorrow with Episode 15. I don’t know what the question is going to be yet. I have close to 50 voicemails recorded. I’ll pick one. If you’d like to leave a voicemail for me, please go to the contact page on Ex-Boyfriend Recovery.
That’s it for this episode. Thank you for listening to Episode 14 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I hope you got something out of this. Have a great week.