Resistance if futile!
In this episode of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast we explore exactly what you have to do to overcome your exes resistance when it comes to getting back together with you.
Our question today is from Shannon a 19 year old woman who is desperately wondering what she can do to get back with her ex boyfriend who is in the army.
Here is a quick recap of her situation,
- He told her he wanted to be with her and then stood her up on a date.
- She obviously got mad about being stood up and the two of them got into a massive argument.
- A breakup occurred.
- They haven’t talked in a month.
- Her ex is in the Army and is about to be deployed and she wonders how she can overcome his resistance to get him back.
Now, in this episode I strayed from the normal episode format.
Avid listeners of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast know that the way the episodes usually work is I go over general knowledge of how to get your ex back first and then I dive right into the game plan for the specific question that was asked.
Well, with this episode I dived right in to the game plan portion.
Things Talked About In This Episode
- Fighting
- What separates the good couples from the great ones
- Age and inexperience (19 – 21 years old)
- Being his top priority
- House of Cards Season 3
- Capturing his interest and keeping it
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizImportant Links Mentioned In This Episode
The Game Plan For How To Overcome Your Exes Resistance
The game plan for this episode revolves around my fascination with House of Cards or more particularly how I prioritized it above everything on February 27th.
If you can become your ex boyfriends top priority over everything else in his life then you hold not only the key to getting him back but you hold the key to a long lasting relationship.
So, the game plan for overcoming any mans Resistance is the same.
Become a mans top priority,
Make Him Experience Positive Emotions
This is ideal for women who are great at texting and talking on the phone. Make him associate the positive emotions he gets with you. If you do that then you will have take a big step forward towards getting him back.
Be Interesting
One of the reasons that I enjoy house of cards is because it is interesting to me. It fascinates me and I really think in order for a man to be fascinated with a woman he has to find her interesting. She has to have interesting things to say and she has to have an interesting life.
Higher Self Esteem (UG)
Need I say more?
A Newness Factor
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizMen do like new things..
Understand this and make it work to your advantage with the next step of the game plan.
Making Him Wait
A period of NC is ideal for creating a newness factor and creating the right amount of tension that will make him want to see you even more.
Watch House of Cards
I just put this in here for fun.
But seriously you should watch it!
Podcast Transcript
Welcome to Episode 11 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I’m really excited to have you here today. We’re going to hear from a woman named Shannon. She’s going to ask a question about her boyfriend who is in the Army.
I was kind of split to make this episode about ex-boyfriends or ex-husbands in the Army and how to get them back. I decided to make it about resistance instead, and the resistance you face when trying to get an ex-boyfriend back.
Those of you who are avid listeners to the show may know that, in Episode 10, I promised that I would be back the very next day for Episode 11. It’s been three days since Episode 10 has been released. I hadn’t released anything in that time frame. That’s the longest I’ve gone without releasing something.
There’s a reason for that. The new season of House of Cards, Season 3 on Netflix just came out. I literally binge-watched it. It took pretty much everything out of me. I watched it all in one day. I went crazy with it. I loved every moment of it. That’s why I wasn’t recording. Feel free to yell at me. That’s my excuse for not recording Episode 11 until Monday, March 2nd.
Let’s get down to the nitty gritty and hear from Shannon:
“Hi, Chris.” My name is Shannon. I’m 19 years old. My ex-boyfriend is in the Army. I think there is some sort of resistance with him wanting to be with me because, a month ago, he told me that he wanted to be with me, he missed me and he wanted to see me. When the weekend came to see me, he didn’t make the effort to see me.
Then I got mad, which resulted in a fight. We haven’t spoken for a month. Part of that reason is because he is in training and he can’t have his cell phone. I think what is scaring him most is that he is going to get deployed. I don’t know if he doesn’t want to be tied down while he is home for these next few months.
He’s being deployed in July. I don’t know. How can I get past his resistance of not wanting to be with me because he’s going to get deployed? I’ve told him many times before that I’m going to be loyal. I’ll be faithful to him. Thank you.”
Thanks, Shannon, for calling in. I’m really glad that you called in. I know that you’ve been bugging me for a little bit about trying to get this episode up and running. I’m really sorry that I wasn’t able to get it out live faster. I’m really focused on helping you out and hopefully getting your ex back.
This episode is going to be a little bit different than the ones that you’re used to. Instead, I’m going to go right into the game plan for Shannon. Don’t worry if you were looking forward to general information that you can apply to your ex. What I’m about to talk to you about here is something that you can apply to your ex in any situation you can think of.
What I’m going to talk about is overcoming resistance. When we look at Shannon’s situation as a whole, she’s 19 years old. She didn’t tell us how old her ex was. I’m assuming he’s within that same age range. He’s probably 19, 20 or 21. One month ago, he said that he wanted to be with her. They set up some kind of date and he essentially stood her up. He did not show up. She got angry. A fight started.
After the fight, they haven’t spoken for a month. Technically, it’s almost like an enforced no contact rule that Shannon has put in place. I think it’s due to her and her ex’s stubbornness. It’s like they’re in the middle of a standoff, waiting to see who is going to contact who first. Whoever contacts the other person first loses the standoff. Even though it’s a dumb way to approach it, I’ll talk about that in a second.
He hasn’t spoken to her in a month. She thinks it’s because of the cell phone. I’m not sure I entirely buy that. It’s probably been a little bit later than a month. Honestly, I think he’s waiting for her to contact him first. He’s scared. Her boyfriend who is in the Army is going to get deployed. I imagine at 19, 20 or 21, he’s very frightened of that. He has every right to be frightened.
Shannon also noted that her ex-boyfriend might be a little afraid to get tied down because of this reason. He’s back home now but he’s about to get deployed. She’s assuming that he’s resisting her because he doesn’t want anything that’s going to tie him down back in the States when he goes overseas and puts himself in harm’s way. Then it will hurt him emotionally. It will hurt the person emotionally who is waiting for him back home. That’s what Shannon is assuming. We’re going to talk a little bit about that.
The first thing I want to talk about is fighting. At that age, young people take fights very personally. They should. They’re still learning how relationships work. Fights are very harmful to your emotional being. Where inexperience comes in here is that they don’t know how to handle after the fight. They hold grudges. They don’t understand that people have disagreements. You’re not going to agree on every single thing as a couple. You’re going to get in fights. What really separates the good couples from the great couples is the ability to handle these fights.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizYou need to communicate. You need to say, “I’m sorry. I didn’t really mean what I said when I said that mean thing to you. It really hurts me that we got into this fight. I just want to move past this.” Say that to your partner. Your partner needs to believe it. Most importantly, both partners need to do this rather than holding a grudge.
Clearly, Shannon and her ex-boyfriend got into a fight, and that’s what caused their breakup. That’s a very common thing that happens. Fights cause breakups. That’s common knowledge. Where I think Shannon went wrong is not even her fault. Her ex-boyfriend and she are young. She’s 19. He’s probably around the same age. They just haven’t had enough experience perhaps to handle after the fights.
Understand that this was not a personal thing. This was just a heat-of-the-moment thing. Let’s just drop it. Let’s move on. Let’s not fight over the same thing again. Let’s not rehash arguments. The ability to push that aside comes with experience, in my opinion.
When I was 19, 20 and 21, anytime I got into a disagreement with anyone, it was a personal thing. I thought they were attacking me personally. I would turn into an attack dog and attack them back. I would say hurtful things to them. I can remember my brother and me getting into fights. I can remember my father and me getting into fights and my mother and me getting into fights. I got into fights with my significant other at 19. It was a bad habit to fall into.
As I gained more experience dealing with not just relationships but people in general, I understood and learned that people say things in the heat of the moment. You can’t hold it against them. You’re going to say things in the heat of the moment. You can’t hold it against yourself. The other person can’t hold it against you. You need to take what happened and move on. Keep building on that relationship.
A few episodes ago, I talked about how to look at a relationship. You need to look at a relationship as a bank account. You need to be putting positive experiences into that bank account. Every time you have a fight, you take positive experiences away from the bank account. If you’re having negative fights over and over, the bank account balance is going to go into the negative. You do not want that. That’s when breakups occur.
Shannon, if you do get back with your ex-boyfriend, work on this. Work on the fighting ability. Work on not holding this grudge with each other. I don’t just want you to get your ex back. I want you to get him back and keep him. That’s what we’re all about here at Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. We’re not just about getting an ex back. We’re about sustaining that long-term relationship and creating a bond that could potentially last a lifetime.
Now let’s turn our attention to what we’re really here to talk about. That is overcoming resistance. What I’m about to tell you is not super complicated. I’m going to tell you how to overcome resistance. You’re going to roll your eyes and say, “That’s easy.” But when it comes down to actually doing it, it’s not easy.
When it comes to overcoming resistance, you’re looking at things like becoming the un-gettable girl, doing the no contact rule and all of the basic things that I teach on the site. What I don’t make a big enough deal about on the site that I’m going to make a huge deal about here is positioning yourself where you are your ex’s top priority.
What does that look like? At the beginning of this episode, I told you, “I promised in Episode 10 that I was going to come back the very next day and post Episode 11.” That didn’t happen. Why? Because it was not my top priority. Do you remember what my top priority was? It was House of Cards. I was looking forward to House of Cards for an entire year.
I remember back in May of last year watching Season 2 and being obsessed with it. I couldn’t wait for the next season to come out. When it did come out on February 27th, I became obsessed. I dropped everything and binge-watched the whole thing. It took me 13 hours, one day, not even a break. It was one episode after the other. This show was my top priority.
I really had to do work. When I came back to work today, I had 300 comments from Ex-Boyfriend Recovery alone. I had hundreds of emails. I have another site called Ex-Girlfriend Recovery that had over 80 comments. That’s about 500 comments right there. There were 500 people asking me questions because I took that one day off to watch House of Cards. For once, these websites that I’m working on weren’t my top priority. It shifted to House of Cards.
You need to become your ex-boyfriend’s House of Cards, Shannon. If you are his House of Cards, you will be his top priority. He will call you. He will become obsessed with you. That’s the way it works.
You’re sitting there wondering, “How do I become his top priority?” There are a number of ways to do it. When you look at House of Cards, what’s the thing that made me so interested in it? There are a number of things that you can look at. It makes me feel positive emotions inside. I associate positive emotions with it.
When it was coming on, I couldn’t wait. I was excited because I knew that it was a quality show. I knew that I was invested in the characters. I knew that I absolutely love how Frank Underwood acts. Season 3, towards the end, not so much. I didn’t like how he acted.
But, coming into Season 3 and that day where I knew House of Cards was coming out, I couldn’t wait. I couldn’t wait to see what happened next. It was an incredible story. It’s as simple as that. It made me feel positive emotions. It made me feel something inside. I value that. I value the feelings I get when I watch that show.
You really need to do that with your ex-boyfriend. You need to bring out positive emotions within him. Positive emotions within him will cause him to value you higher.
Let’s look at what House of Cards made me feel to make it my top priority. It’s interesting. It fascinates me. It’s a very interesting narrative on Washington today. I like things that make me think. I like things that make me smarter. I feel that watching the show made me smarter. That’s a weird thing to say because it’s a fictional show. It kind of gives you an idea of how Washington, DC works and how politics works. You have to give something up to get something. It’s interesting to me. It fascinates me.
You need to do that with your ex-boyfriend. You need to interest him. You need to fascinate him. You need to become the un-gettable girl for him. I’ll link to an article about the un-gettable girl in the show notes of Episode 11 here. You can’t just be the un-gettable girl. You need to have interesting things to say. You need to have interesting stories to tell.
You really have to think hard about these interesting things that you tell your ex-boyfriend. It’s such a small window of time that you have to get him back. You need to make the most of that time. Prepare interesting stories ahead of time for your ex. Prepare interesting things to say ahead of time for your ex when you’re going to contact him, Shannon. That’s really important. You need to become his top priority. Being interesting is essential to being that top priority.
I will not lie. Another reason that I was interested in House of Cards is that it was a new season. There was a newness factor to it. When you’re dealing with your ex-boyfriend, you’re obviously not going to be a new girlfriend. You’re not going to have the excitement that a new girlfriend has. But you can make this work to your advantage with what I’m about to tell you next.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWhen I was watching House of Cards, the thing that really ramped up the most tension was the fact that I had to wait so long for it to come out. It took a year before it came out. After I finished Season 3, all I could think was, “Man, I have to wait another entire year.” I was depressed for a while. I remember my wife came home. She kept saying, “What’s wrong? You look so sad?” I told her, “I have to wait a whole year for a new season to come out. I don’t want to wait a year. I want it now.” The idea of waiting comes into play here. That’s where the no contact rule is essential. You can create that tension.
You create the tension beforehand with the no contact rule. You work to bring out positive emotions within your ex. You work to become the most interesting thing that your ex-boyfriend has ever experienced in the world. That is how you become his top priority, Shannon. That’s what you need to do. He’ll contact you if you do that. He’ll become obsessed with you if you do that. If you become your ex-boyfriend’s top priority, he will want you back. He will ask for you to be his girlfriend again.
If you are his top priority, it’s as simple as that. I remember back when I was dating my wife. She was top priority number one all the time. If she called and had a problem, I would drop everything. It’s still that way. If she calls and has a problem, I will drop everything and come to her aid. It’s as simple as that. Even if I’m doing something very important, I will drop everything and come to her aid.
The best example is when I’m on the phone talking to my dad. I used to live with my parents a few years ago, and then I moved in with my wife. I didn’t just move in with my wife. I had to move across the country from Texas to Pennsylvania to move in with my wife. We have an apartment together and it’s great. We’re a married newlywed couple. Everything is happy.
I don’t get to see my parents or my family that often. When they call, I cherish that moment. But they’re not my top priority. My wife is my top priority. My parents and siblings are a top priority, too. I prioritize my wife a little bit above them. Anytime I’m on the phone with my dad, it’s great. I love it. I love talking to my dad.
He’s probably my best friend, not including my wife, of course. I cherish those moments that I have talking to him. But when my wife calls and I know it’s for a serious reason, I would hang up on my dad and say, “Hey, I need to go. I need to talk to Jenn, my wife.” I would hang up and talk to Jenn. I prioritize her highly.
You need to become that for your ex-boyfriend. You need to be his priority number one. That is your priority number one. If you do that, then the world is yours. He is yours. You will literally have him wrapped around your finger.
If you want a step-by-step guide to how to do this, I can’t go everything you need to know in this 20 minute episode. If you need a step-by-step guide, pick up my book, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. It goes from start to finish, A to Z, on how to become his top priority.
Shannon, in the show notes of this episode, I’m going to create the game plan for you. It’s going to be general. It’s not going to be as specific as you need it to be. I understand this. That’s because I can’t go into all the complexities and details that are required for you to become your ex’s top priority.
But if you read the site and pick up the book, you will find out what to do. You will find out the complex methods that it takes to become his priority number one, his House of Cards.
Thanks for listening to Episode 11, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Nation. I really appreciate it. Please leave a review and subscribe to this podcast. I need it from you. Thank you so much for listening.
confused30
December 9, 2016 at 11:50 pm
My boyfriend of 2 years and I broke up a few weeks ago. We lived with each other. I since moved out, yet we talked a few times, got together and he said he was willing to figure it out. yet he keeps going back and forth. he says its convenient that I want to work on it it, and he might be tired of the “team” as we used to call it. He says that I pushed him away and neglected him for 6 months and thats why he is having a hard time wanting to recomit to us and me. I just dont know what to do. I have tried to tell him I am working on myself, and I want this to work with him. I know he talked to other girls, and maybe even had a date. He claims he likes not being tied down right now and likes the freedom. Help. What do I do??? I am so torn from him going back and forth on everything.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 12, 2016 at 11:06 pm
Hi Confused30,
stop feeding the cycle. Show the change instead of saying it. DO you want to do the no contact rule?
sam
March 17, 2016 at 1:36 pm
No we don’t. its been couple of days where we have been talkng on a daily basis as just friends. after a very long time it has been like this and I don’t want to lose the little bit we have.
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 17, 2016 at 4:03 pm
If you’re not going to do nc, do you have any other plan in mind?
sam
March 17, 2016 at 12:46 am
Also would like to mention he is alwaysssses online!!!!
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 17, 2016 at 2:13 am
Hi Sam,
If you’re going to do nc this time, can you finish it? And do you see each other personally?
sam
March 17, 2016 at 12:12 am
Hi,
please could someone give me advice on what to do. I was in a relationship for 3 years with my ex boyfriend. I meant the world to him. I left him due to family problems and started talking to someone else thinking it would be easier for me to get over him we stopped talking for a year.and now have been talking for 2 years on and off I told him I was sorry and I couldn’t live with out him he had tried to get back with me but then said he found it hard year after I have tried doing the NC and have broken it over 10/20 times also i feel like if i do it again hr will feel like i wasnt right for him cause all i do is go and come back he has told me to move on and we should talk less cause it will hurt me later in life he talks to other girls but is not in a relationship I really love him and want him back help please!!!
Rose
February 1, 2016 at 3:03 pm
Hi Chris!
I have been dating a guy (21) for a little over 4 months. Everything was great and I felt so relaxed with him, even started to fall for him. Everything was just really easy and we had so much fun together, it just felt right. Yesterday he ended things because he said he wasn’t in love with me yet and if it didn’t happen now, then it wouldn’t happen at all. He really liked me and said if he wasn’t going to fall in love with me, he wasn’t going to fall in love at all. He really liked me and said I was the most beautiful, smart, and sexy girl he’s been with but just didn’t feel butterflies (which is what he thinks love feels like).
When he was ending it, he was crying as well and said he didn’t cry in like 3 years. And he is constantly saying that he does really like me, that it wasn’t just nothing there at all.. He was adamant about making me know that he does really like me, just not in love with me.. He said he was always wondering if he loved me or not and said he asked all his friends about how he would know if he was in love. They said he would know by now, but I think it’s insane that he’s listening to his friends and basing his experiences on theirs. He said he was never in love before and I have never been in love yet either, until I started to love him.. And also I am the longest he’s been with a girl, and he thinks you fall in love with someone within the first two months.
I truly believe that he has more feelings than he thinks he does, just not this all-consuming love that he expects.. For me, I think it’s absolutely crazy that he broke up with me because he wasn’t in love in 4 months. Am I wrong to think this? Is there any way that I could get through to him? I feel as if he didn’t truly try to love me and be open to it, and would just like him to try and wait a couple more months. Or was he right to end things after 4 months for not feeling butterflies in his stomach? Is he just confused or is it really over? I just can’t see how he didn’t feel anything. Is there any way he will come back? My friends are saying yes, and others are saying no.. What is the likelyhood that he will? I did beg yesterday after the break up on Friday, but today I have started no contact. Is this a totally lost cause?
Rheaya
September 13, 2015 at 9:27 pm
Hey Cheis so my ex and I have really great text conversations pretty much every night. Sometimes lasting 3 or 4 hours. It’s been about 3 weeks since I completed Nc but he still says he’s too busy to meet up for even a coffee. We says it will happen he’s just too busy. It’s all coming back how easily our convos flowed and how much we had in common. Last night after one of our really good convos he went on pof and changed his stays from wants to date but nothing serious to looking for a relationship (I know because we are each other’s top matches). Is he doing this because all of the good memories of us are flooding back and he doesn’t want them to or for some other reason? Any suggestions? Thanks so much!
Jay
November 19, 2015 at 12:51 pm
Hi Chris, I love your website! It has helped me so much in the past 40 days! I really appreciate all the effort you put in to help women fix thier relationships. My ex and I were together for a year and a half and our relationship was great for the most part. I had a lot of emotional problems which ultimately got in the way and pushed him away. In the time since our breakup, I’ve been working on fixing my problems and have been doing much better. I want to show my ex how much I’ve changed and that I won’t make any of the same mistakes that I did before. I implemented the 30 days of no contact and they just ended on Monday. Now I’m attempting to approach him and talk to him. I think he’s open to talking but we only exchanged a few words yesterday. I see him every day so I’m trying to figure out the best game plan for talking to him based on what you’ve said in your articles. I’m really nervous that my ex won’t believe me and won’t take me back. He’s stubborn, really stubborn. I’m scared he won’t take me back strictly because of how stubborn he is. What would you suggest for this particular situation? I’d really appreciate your advice! Thank you!
Denise
September 10, 2015 at 3:28 pm
This episode opened my eyes and started to get the learning gears going in my head. Thank you for explaining the three levels of love. I have been talking to friends about my situation and they all say it is not going to work because we dated for such a short amount of time, he has blocked me from Facebook and his cell phone, and has told me twice that I am not the one for him and vise versa. I know deep down that he is hiwever he and I are not in the place to receive such a grand gift that takes much hard work. Time is my biggest advantage and I am greatful to have you on my side when others aren’t. I am a Kai and despite what people say will work for my happy ending. 🙂 thanks again Chris!!! Shannon got her ex back. I can too 🙂
Chris Seiter
October 2, 2015 at 5:01 pm
I got some big things planned for the future so stay tuned.
Bella
August 10, 2015 at 3:26 am
Hi Chris. My situation is kinda just all over the place. My boyfriend of two years seemed so in love with me and we talked about marriage and we talked about our honeymoon like a month ago. We went to college together and I graduated and moved back home. we would have our fights here and because I would be annoyed that I couldn’t talk to him sometimes and then I just think he though he could never make me happy. I was never unhappy I was just wanting time to communicate with him…I was annoyed cause I just wanted to be with him. Two weeks ago he texted me saying he didn’t want to make me unhappy and that I deserved better. He said he wasn’t good enough for me. I was devastated and I the next four days after the breakup I texted him asking him questions and asking him for more reasons. He said that he wants to be with me now but that he just doesn’t think it’s right. So I asked if there was any hope for us in the future and he said that he doesn’t know what the future holds and can’t promise me that he will come back to me in the future all he knows is that it isn’t “right” right now and said I should just try to move on. He also said he would always love me to a certain extant. I am on day 3 of NC. I just feel like he’s so down about his life and he might not ever want me cause he’ll just think that he’s never good enough cause I’m “too” good of a person. You think this’ll work?
Chris Seiter
August 19, 2015 at 4:06 am
Na, I think the no contact will work. It will reset things when you start talking again.
Bella
August 10, 2015 at 3:33 am
I guess I also feel like if I post on social media about having a great time and a great life he’ll just end up truly believing that I’m better off with out him and that I am actually happy without him
Chris Seiter
August 17, 2015 at 7:04 pm
You know him best so do what you think is right. The point of putting stuff up like that is to show him that your independent which makes you come off confident.
Bee
July 7, 2015 at 6:54 am
Hi Chris. I very recently broke up with my boyfriend after a silly disagreement and that same night kissed another guy. I told my now ex boyfriend about it the very next day. Inevitably, we broke up for real. I live with him and we were extremely happy, having worked through all of our differences in the 3 years we’ve been together. Your site is extremely helpful, but I can’t seem to find the answer to my problem. My ex wants me to move out and was very adamant about it in the beginning, but is progressively nicer about it and let’s me stay until I can get back on my own feet. I don’t want to move out and love him more than anything. We broke up once before, and when I started moving on, he came begging. I don’t want to move out of my home and start new, only for him to then realize he made a mistake. I am terrified that this time may be the time he actually wants to move on. Any advice, Chris? I need your help!
Chris Seiter
July 8, 2015 at 11:32 pm
Ok, my question for you is pretty simple.
Are you just concerned about moving out?
mc
May 27, 2015 at 2:38 am
Chris, Please Respond 🙁
He texted me on the 10th day of NC saying he misses me and tries to go faraway from me but he just cant (because I did some mean stuff to him and his mother told him to breakup with me). We havent broken up he just asked for space. I texted on the 15th day them he told me he stills live by my rules. He told me its good that Im enjoying as long as he should still be my man. I asked him if we are still committed he said yes and I am still his girl up until now. Then we were sweet he called me like the old times then his mood changed when I mentioned his mother. He told me he like to get back but there is this resistance. He told me maybe he is just missing me and he told me he is mad at himself for liking our conversation. Then he told me to take things slow. Then he mentioned the problems about my attitude that needs clarification. Apparently he is convinced that I am a bad person. I explained then he fell asleep while we were talking. I told him I love him which I think is wrong. Hr told me his feelings for me havent changed. Then he havent texted after that it is already 5 days after the incident. What will I do Chris? What does this all mean? Im confused.
M.
April 16, 2015 at 6:04 pm
And how you can be become interesting to him if he has a gf for like a year now and you can’t speak to him??I think I’m driving crazy, I see no light..
M.
April 26, 2015 at 5:23 pm
Should I just give up then..??
M.
April 24, 2015 at 6:30 pm
anything ? to make a difference or sth??
M.
April 22, 2015 at 6:36 pm
Isn’t there anything I can do??
Chris Seiter
April 20, 2015 at 8:12 pm
Well, if he has been dating the new girl for a year your chances aren’t looking great b/c rebounds don’t last a year.
Alia
March 18, 2015 at 3:54 am
So its been like 4 months since me and “him” have last spoken… I’m going to a psychic lmao. It doesnt bother me as much as it did before, but it still lingers… I’m blocked literally blocked from like everything kind of… He doesnt really use social networking. Honestly all I want to know was it “fake” or was it actually “genuine”, I just need to know for myself whatever it is.
admin
March 21, 2015 at 2:59 pm
Look at his actions.
What do his actions say.
That is how you can tell.
Alia
March 24, 2015 at 6:34 am
Sooo since it’s going on like 5 freakin months! Ugh! I honestly think I’m still blocked LOL… But should I prepare to craft up a very intriguing message?
Alia
March 24, 2015 at 7:31 am
ok maybe I’m not blocked lmao… IDK hahahah…
admin
March 25, 2015 at 8:49 pm
Hahah well if your not blocked thats good.
Gabby
March 12, 2015 at 10:48 pm
Hi Chris,
Would love your advice. Dated my ex-boyfriend for six months. Towards the end there was a lot of fighting. I moved across the country after we broke up. I did no contact for 3.5 months. He did not try to contact me at all. I contacted him for the holidays and he responded to my text and then was silent for a month. I then asked if I could call him some time just to talk. After that we talked almost every single day and were face timing daily for about a month. He said he wasn’t sure how he felt, but we could take things slow. All of a sudden this past weekend within a few hours he completely changed. I know he was stressed at work. I asked if he was distant because of work or me? and he said both. He said he didn’t believe long distance worked, and didn’t want to give us a try. He said he would call me the next day and I never heard from him. I sent him a light text and since then we haven’t spoken in about four days. I’m nervous that once I broke contact we moved too fast or I wasn’t the ungettable girl. I’m actually not sure what happened. I’m sure he felt pressure to get back together. I told him I was willing to move if we got back in a serious relationship, if he really was stressed about the long distance part. What should I do now? I feel like I should just give up.
admin
March 13, 2015 at 8:36 pm
Are you still moved far away?
Gabby
March 13, 2015 at 10:12 pm
Yes. When he said he didn’t want to do long distance, or rather didn’t believe long distance worked. I said we could come up with a plan. We might have to date long distance for a month or two and then if we were serious I would be willing to move back where he lived. We’re both in our mid 30s.
Gabby
March 16, 2015 at 1:03 am
So is all hope lost? What should I do from here? Give up or do another No Contact period?
admin
March 18, 2015 at 6:57 pm
Its up to you ultimately.
If you are super seriuos another period of NC may be worth a try.
Gabby
April 3, 2015 at 11:12 pm
I did two weeks of no contact. Then I texted him asking about an important job interview he had. He replied kindly and politely, but not engaging. I’ve decided to just walk away.
A
March 10, 2015 at 5:26 am
Hi Chris,
PLEASE RESPOND 🙂
My ex and I were together for three months, he pursued me 100%, wanted the relationship-he was the one who asked for us to be official and then we ended up saying we loved each other a couple weeks ago. We were so embedded in each others lives and with one another’s family and friends and spent most of our free time together. He is 24 and I am 27.
He is very busy, school and work full time and very involved in his church. And i just recently lost my job which was a huge shock so I had more time on my hands but I was never pushy with his time. We had a convo about communication where I asked him if he could just call me on the days we don’t see each other rather than just text. He started to do it and I felt better but I could feel him being a little distant. We had a talk about his beliefs and how maybe we shouldn’t be intimate anymore, until marriage, and to really think about it, I told him I was open to his beliefs and learning about it which made him really happy. Everything was good for the three days following that conversation and then all of a sudden I didn’t hear from him from for 24 hours and then he contacted me again but things felt weird. Well two days later he blocked me on Facebook and then broke up with me over a text message. I didn’t freak out by any means but told him that I was upset and confused.
This is the last text I sent him: “I can understand you wanting to change some things in your life and you may have just deleted your Facebook but you blocked me initially and that is very deceitful; and hurtful. I wish you had just been honest with me. ”
He never responded but he read it because he leaves the read receipt on and I haven’t said anything since. That was a week ago. I am so confused how things changed in such a short period of time, literally a week.
My question is this should I say anything else to him or should I just keep up with the no contact rule for the full days at this point?
Thank you for your feedback!
admin
March 13, 2015 at 4:31 pm
I am responding!
Sorry for the late response. I am catching up on my comments.
Just keep the NC rule for the full days at this point.
Love is a drug
March 4, 2015 at 6:12 pm
I have a really good question!….
Or at least one I believe has not been tackled just yet.
When it comes to moving in together…
How do I present the topic and have him decide its a good idea? How do I make him think it was his idea when it was mine? How do I make him think that moving in would be the next best step in our relationship and he’d be crazy NOT to ask?
Boom.
admin
March 7, 2015 at 5:19 pm
Moving in together…
Hmm… that’s tough.
How do you make it his idea?
Well, I think the first thing you’d have to figure out is whether or not he is looking for a deeper commitment. He has to be in the right place.
Love is a drug
March 8, 2015 at 1:32 am
What if he has said he is looking for one? One thing we’ve discussed is that his ultimate goal when dating is to marry. He hasn’t reached that, obviously, but it’s what his ultimate goal is.
I just don’t want to ask and be the crazy psycho girl. He has always dated long term rather than casual dating and he’s had a few in his lifetime.
admin
March 8, 2015 at 3:06 pm
Well, then you need to become the one for him I guess haha.
Carly
March 4, 2015 at 3:22 pm
I want to ask you a question. What does it mean when a guy never takes his eyes of me when he see me, and once told me what he thinks of me and it was very positive and he also knows that i like him….But he never makes a move, and sometimes but not often mentions me to our mutual friend? Stubborn,shy, not interested or?
admin
March 7, 2015 at 4:51 pm
He is either scared, telling you what you want to hear or is waiting for you to make a move.
Either one of those things I would say.
marry
March 3, 2015 at 6:08 pm
if i did no contact and then contacted my ex and didn’t work out i mean i messed up .should i back up and do no contact all over and start again or he would be a wast of time because he will forget me !!
admin
March 5, 2015 at 7:58 pm
How long were you in NC for though?
marry
March 6, 2015 at 11:20 am
hahaa no i didn’t know that she is a great woman and yes it’s almost impossible to be like her.i finished season 1 last night ^^ .oh and frank he’s another story.i couldn’t stop watching. it’s true it is very addicting.hemmm so you want me to have that addicting influence on him but how is that .we broke up in july and i tried no contact but failed until september i did it for 2 moths and then contacted him on december we texted but because we are in a long distance relationship and he hates taxting whenever i text him he calls me if he likes the text of course haha.the thing is that i’m afraid he is triying to make this a friend with benefits situation.i mean not real s** because of LD and other matters but just on the phone because whenever he calls me he starts to talk things (he is very sexuel) and if i wasn’t responsive and kept quiet which i always do when he starts talking like that , he got bored and hung up that’s why we never talked more than 15 mn.so after reading this what do you think !!! is he confused about getting back with me because i feel he has something for me otherwise he ‘ll not call every time .or he has a girlfriend and he is using me!!! .if so what should i do next go back to no contact or lose hope !!!
admin
March 7, 2015 at 5:57 pm
Season one was really good but seasons 2 and 3 get WILD!
I wouldn’t engage him on anything sexual at all.
marry
March 3, 2015 at 6:14 pm
and meanwhile i will watch house of cards maybe i will understand something ^_^
admin
March 3, 2015 at 10:17 pm
Well, you will not be disappointed.
That show is addicting.
marry
March 5, 2015 at 4:12 pm
i watched 8 episodes in 2 days it’s really addicting as you said .but i still didn’t get what i’m looking for.don’t tell me you want us to be like clair 😮 it’s impossible lol.
admin
March 5, 2015 at 7:52 pm
Haha your not supposed to be looking for anything.
The point is that it’s addicting and you need to have that effect on your ex if you want him back.
But Claire is based on an eagle. Did you know that?
Jessica
March 3, 2015 at 5:22 pm
Hi Chris,
Jessica here, same one that commented on the “What to do if your ex-boyfriend wants to be friends” post and submitted a voice comment. I had a question on becoming a top priority with an ex.
With my ex, I was never a top priority. Maybe that in itself was a big warning sign. I’m turning 23 this summer, my ex is turning 22 only a couple days before my birthday. We’re both pursuing our bachelor’s degrees and I’m obtaining mine this May while he has another year to go. I know you brought up how experience based on age contributed to fighting in a relationship, and I’m sure this also means that it affects priority.
While we were dating, obviously school and his future career path was one of my ex’s top priorities, as was mine. Concerning him and our relationship however, I placed that as one of my top priorities as well while I feel like for him, it wasn’t even close to being up there. I would like to make myself feel better by thinking it has to do with the future career path (because he’d been set back in it quite a bit due to his last relationship), but I think that honestly, his top priorities were his other friends and his interests/leisure activities, like video games and watching his shows. I’d have to wait for hours on end just to get a chance to talk to him because he’d be so engrossed in these things and it made me feel like he didn’t care about me at all.
In a moment of weakness concerning some social issues in lieu of our breakup, I broke NC but I’ve vowed to not do that again until I’m ready. And what constitutes being “ready” I suppose is becoming the UG. That part is at least clear.
But my question is: How can I become a top priority for someone who’s so focused on the activities he does for himself and over his friends (who don’t like me very much now)? No matter how hard I tried in our last relationship, it only seemed like he’d make time for me when it was convenient for him after he’d finished everything else. He has a thick skull as well, and I’m not sure if even becoming the UG would get him to actually prioritize me over his interests.
Also, in what ways would one reach out after NC in a way that would I guess leave a more lasting impression and slowly build rapport again knowing that his mindset is like this, and while he’s across the state? Reading your post on the UG, I get that you’re supposed to leave him wanting more, but it’s hard for me to tap into his head and figure out what would actually lead him to think that when it’s like he wasn’t super into our relationship in the first place compared to other things, and when in his current situation, a relationship with him wouldn’t be the best thing. Do I build rapport slowly over a long period of time until he’s ready to be in one again, or should I go on with NC for a prolonged period of time until say, he’s also finished with his undergrad and moved back to the area before trying to become a presence in his life again and build from there?
Thanks for all your hard work by the way, Chris. I make sure to keep checking for new articles and podcasts! Until next time.
– Jessica
admin
March 3, 2015 at 10:16 pm
I think that’s where emotions come into play.
The only way my wife is a top priority for me (other than the fact that we are married) is the fact that I have so many feelings for her.
If you can replicate that with your man then you will be his top priority.
Slow rapport is the name of the game. You hit it right on the head.
Jessica
March 3, 2015 at 10:36 pm
Okay, I’ll do that once I’m ready to end the NC phase then. I’m wondering how I should interact with him after NC though to try and rouse those emotions from him. Neither of us were the biggest fans of texting, him in particular, which is the method you usually advocate in your articles. With the distance that stands between us right now and concerning taking it slowly, would e-mail be the best means of communication once the NC and self improvement phase ends? I’m aware of the push and pull method, but to what extent should it be used over a long period of time?
I also have a concern that building slow rapport might land me in the friend zone, like walking a tightrope over that dreaded place if I don’t play my cards right because he did want to stay friends although I ultimately rejected the idea. Keeping in prolonged although not constant contact makes sure I have some sort of presence, but is there a way that I can ensure it’s the kind of presence that I want instead of being labeled as just a friend?
Jess
March 3, 2015 at 12:02 pm
Hi Chris
What or how do you break thru the resistance when a lot of hurt (unintentionally) has been done to both sides? How do you break thru the fear your ex has of what will happen if I let her back in my life? My ex says he cares for me. Worries for my well being. And is there for me anytime and anywhere but doesn’t want to be with me. He has a girlfriend — puzzled on if it’s a rebound or something more. We were together for 13 years and a lot of health and mental issues have impacted his decision.
I posted and voice messaged
Please help….
Jess
admin
March 3, 2015 at 10:10 pm
I am sure his girlfriend is thrilled with him “always being there” for you.
Hahaha.
What was the name you used on your voicemail?
Jess
March 3, 2015 at 10:23 pm
I left it under the name Jess. Left a vm either Monday or Tuesday last week.
Would really like some direction. 13 years is a very long time.
I am the one that left about the depression effecting a relationship.
I also emailed me and left a post on Boyfriend Being Vindictive.
Thnx
Jess
Jess
March 3, 2015 at 11:57 am
House of Cards is addictive. I binge watched Sunday 🙂
Some days you got to take it for you.
Glad your back though.
admin
March 3, 2015 at 9:58 pm
VERY addictive!
I’m still depressed season 3 is over.