Spoiler alert: It doesn’t.
It’s a natural impulse, so don’t feel bad if you are guilty of it. When someone you love pulls the rug out from under you and ends your relationship, many people’s first instinct is to do whatever they can to make that person stay. They beg, they plead, they promise to change, but all that does is push the person further away and cement the idea that they made the right decision in ending the relationship.
Acting as if the breakup doesn’t ruffle you may seem counter-intuitive, but it really is your best bet if you are serious about getting your ex back. There are lots of other things to put your energy into that will be more helpful in the long run and will help to make your ex realize they made a huge mistake in breaking up with you in the first place.
The Big Picture
So how to you curb the impulse to plead?
Keep your eye on the big picture.
It may feel good to get all of your emotions out in the moment, but after you’ve sent the text, or your 15 calls have been ignored, you will feel awful and defeated. I’m really big into writing to get my feelings out.
After my breakup, I wrote probably hundreds of letters to my ex, spilling out how I felt and how all I wanted was for him to change his mind and take me back. But I never sent any of them.
I definitely advocate writing to get your feelings and anxieties out, but do not ever send it.
The majority of men tend to shy away from big emotions, and shut down when women react with a lot of feelings. Keep your eye on the prize. Take deep breaths and ask yourself what you will get out of asking him to just give you one more chance, or promising that you’ll change?
It looks desperate and makes your value go down in his eyes. Would you want to get back together with someone who begged and pleaded when you broke it off with them? Would that make you change your mind?
No, it would only make you realize that you deserve someone who values themselves as much as they value their relationship with you.
You should always strive to be an Ungettable Girl, but it is particularly important in the direct aftermath of the breakup. The way that you react when he ends the relationship sets the stage for everything that comes after.
Which brings me to…
A Game of Chess
Start thinking of getting your ex back as a strategic game.
It begins the second he utters the word “breakup.”
In chess, players always have to be thinking three or four moves ahead and anticipate the actions of their opponent.
You should be doing the same with your ex to remain in a place of power. Start thinking: what will his reaction be if I send this wall of text? What will he feel when he comes back to his phone after playing basketball with friends and sees that there are 25 missed calls from me?
It’s definitely going to color his view of you, and not in a positive way.
Before taking any action, start thinking about how that action would be received by your ex. Don’t do anything on impulse. Take deep breaths, go for a walk; do something that will calm you down and help you think clearly and rationally.
Then, once you feel more composed, reassess the situation with clearer eyes.
What to Do Instead of Begging
So now that we’ve talked a bit why begging doesn’t work, and a healthier mindset to adopt, let’s talk about what positive actions you should take to try to win your ex back. Really, they boil down to two main concepts that you can read about all over this website: No Contact in conjunction with The Ungettable Girl.
If your first impulse is to beg, it’s a huge sign that No Contact will likely be a very helpful tool for you. If you’ve spent time on the site, you know that No Contact works as a reset between you and your ex, and it’s important because it gives them the time and space needed to miss you, but it also is an important time for you to get back to a healthier mindset.
When you’ve been dumped, your confidence is shattered, and No Contact is a great time to do the things that will make you feel whole again. This time period has to be used the correct way, though.
You can’t just count down the days until your first contact text. You have to take steps to better yourself and regain confidence over this time period.
Take this time to work on becoming an Ungettable Girl. Instead of asking them to take you back, show them why they should. We all become complacent in our relationships to an extent and stop trying.
During No Contact, do things that will remind your ex why they fell for you in the first place. Make them regret leaving you by become the best version of yourself that you can be. This was what I focused on over the course of my breakup with my ex.
What I Did
My ex and I had been living together when he ended things a few months ago.
He made a decision that impacted both of us and changed the course of what I thought my life was going to look like. We had been together for years, and I thought I was going to marry the guy.
But I knew, based on previous relationships, that begging was going to do nothing but push him away. The second he ended things, my mind started putting together a plan to get him back.
I knew the first step was to act cool, calm and collected and accept the reality of the breakup.
You see, when a guy breaks up with a girl, they usually expect her to flip out and start acting crazy. By being calm and composed, you surprise him, and he starts to view you differently right then and there. By not begging, you are already laying the important groundwork to begin the process of getting your ex back.
My ex and I continued to live together for some time after our breakup. We had some emotional conversations, to be sure. We both cried and expressed how hard separating was.
But at no point did I beg. I accepted the breakup, even agreeing with some of his points. I told him I wish things had gone differently, but I knew he had some things to work out on his own.
I told him he was definitely making a mistake, because I am an incredible catch and would not be on the market for long. He agreed that I am an incredible catch, and admitted that he was afraid that he was going to regret his decision someday. I just shrugged as if I didn’t care, in a “your loss” type of way.
Begging is a weak move, and the thing that will stick out most to your ex is strength. Over the time that we continued to live together, I went to work every day, and hung out with friends as much as possible. I avoided being emotional with my ex.
Though I slept with him a couple of times (which I do not recommend), I acted as though it meant nothing to me afterwards, which confused him quite a bit. I let him think that I was just using him for sex. I had a rebound which did wonders in boosting my self-confidence.
When I moved out, my ex was all over me, hugging me at every chance he got. At one point, he held me, and his voice shook as he said
“You deserve someone who treats you better than I ever did.” “I do,” I said. He continued “You’re so sweet and so smart. And you’ve been so strong through this.”
When I said goodbye, finally, I didn’t cry. Just hugged him and told him thank you for our years together, and good luck.
He was in worse shape than I was.
After I moved out, I threw myself into becoming an Ungettable Girl in the No Contact period. I made a list of the things my ex liked about me, and the things he didn’t, and I started working on both of those.
He said he didn’t like that I wasn’t into physical activity?
I went to yoga classes, took up running, and signed up for a pole dancing class. And I posted all about it on Facebook.
He said he wishes I was more confident in the kitchen?
I found lots of complicated recipes, made them, and posted about them on facebook.
I got a new job with a huge pay raise, and made other major improvement across all areas in my life, posting about it on facebook all the way.
And I also continued to do the things that he had always loved about me. I made it my mission to play the game of chess by becoming the best version of myself. And I became so much happier, realizing that though I still wanted my ex back, I didn’t need him, and I would be just fine, whether or not we got back together later down the road.
Here is the mentality that I adopted, and I absolutely credit it for how far I’ve come:
I am going to make myself the best possible version of myself that I can be. If it attracts my ex back to me, great. But if not, I will be better for the next lucky man, and more importantly, for myself.
Ungettable Girl’s don’t beg.
They are cool, confident, and strong.
And they don’t care what anyone, especially their ex, thinks of them.
What if I Already Begged? How Do I Bounce Back?
If you already did the begging and pleading, don’t fear! All is not lost! The first step is to STOP. Stop and immediately jump into a No Contact period. I believe Chris would recommend a 30 or 45 day No Contact for situations in which begging occurred, depending on other factors of how the relationship ended.
Again, this may feel counter-intuitive, but trust me – if you’ve begged or pleaded, the best thing you can do is embrace No Contact. In fact, if you’ve begged, your ex is going to be very confused when all he gets is radio silence.
He may start wondering if you’ve met someone else, or if you’re over it. As Xander says in season 2 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer,
“People want the dream. What they can’t have. The more unattainable, the more attractive.” (You’re welcome, Chris!)
This is true for your ex. When you plead with them, you are showing them that you are still available to them. They won’t worry because they know that they can get you back at any time, if they want. However, when you are radio silent, they’re going to start wondering why, and may start worrying that maybe they don’t have you as much as they thought.
This is a great way to make them start to see the changes you’re making, but also, to make them sweat a bit.
So, if you’ve begged, stop and immediately begin a No Contact period. Utilize this No Contact period by throwing all of your energy into making yourself a better person. Not just for your ex, but for you. If they come back as a result, great. But ultimately, you are going to be better for it, and that is what matters.
Focus on becoming an Ungettable Girl, and share it so that your ex sees what you’re up to.
“It’s About Power”
When I met up with my ex for the first time about a month ago, I was in total Ungettable Girl mode.
I was confident, and definitely in control of the situation. I had him wrapped around my little finger. I got to brag about all of the cool stuff I’d been up to, and he mentioned how impressed he was with how I was making so many positive changes in my life. He admitted he had been wrong about a lot in our relationship.
He apologized multiple times.
In the last month, I kept a calendar keeping track of our contact.
We talked almost every day, with him initiating 18 times, and me initiating only 4. We met up twice and talked on the phone twice. We have plans to continue seeing each other this month.
When you go through a breakup, you lose power.
The best thing you can do is to regain it, and begging is the opposite of that.
However, by embracing No Contact and striving to be an Ungettable Girl, you take the power back. It’s all about the chess match, and you want to be the one saying “checkmate” at the end.
(This article was written as a guest post by Willow)