Spoiler alert: It doesn’t.

It’s a natural impulse, so don’t feel bad if you are guilty of it. When someone you love pulls the rug out from under you and ends your relationship, many people’s first instinct is to do whatever they can to make that person stay. They beg, they plead, they promise to change, but all that does is push the person further away and cement the idea that they made the right decision in ending the relationship.

Acting as if the breakup doesn’t ruffle you may seem counter-intuitive, but it really is your best bet if you are serious about getting your ex back. There are lots of other things to put your energy into that will be more helpful in the long run and will help to make your ex realize they made a huge mistake in breaking up with you in the first place.

The Big Picture

So how to you curb the impulse to plead?

Keep your eye on the big picture.

It may feel good to get all of your emotions out in the moment, but after you’ve sent the text, or your 15 calls have been ignored, you will feel awful and defeated. I’m really big into writing to get my feelings out.

After my breakup, I wrote probably hundreds of letters to my ex, spilling out how I felt and how all I wanted was for him to change his mind and take me back. But I never sent any of them.

I definitely advocate writing to get your feelings and anxieties out, but do not ever send it.

The majority of men tend to shy away from big emotions, and shut down when women react with a lot of feelings. Keep your eye on the prize. Take deep breaths and ask yourself what you will get out of asking him to just give you one more chance, or promising that you’ll change?

It looks desperate and makes your value go down in his eyes. Would you want to get back together with someone who begged and pleaded when you broke it off with them? Would that make you change your mind?

No, it would only make you realize that you deserve someone who values themselves as much as they value their relationship with you.

You should always strive to be an Ungettable Girl, but it is particularly important in the direct aftermath of the breakup. The way that you react when he ends the relationship sets the stage for everything that comes after.

Which brings me to…

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

A Game of Chess

Start thinking of getting your ex back as a strategic game.

It begins the second he utters the word “breakup.”

In chess, players always have to be thinking three or four moves ahead and anticipate the actions of their opponent.

You should be doing the same with your ex to remain in a place of power. Start thinking: what will his reaction be if I send this wall of text? What will he feel when he comes back to his phone after playing basketball with friends and sees that there are 25 missed calls from me?

It’s definitely going to color his view of you, and not in a positive way.

Before taking any action, start thinking about how that action would be received by your ex. Don’t do anything on impulse. Take deep breaths, go for a walk; do something that will calm you down and help you think clearly and rationally.

Then, once you feel more composed, reassess the situation with clearer eyes.

What to Do Instead of Begging

So now that we’ve talked a bit why begging doesn’t work, and a healthier mindset to adopt, let’s talk about what positive actions you should take to try to win your ex back. Really, they boil down to two main concepts that you can read about all over this website: No Contact in conjunction with The Ungettable Girl.

If your first impulse is to beg, it’s a huge sign that No Contact will likely be a very helpful tool for you. If you’ve spent time on the site, you know that No Contact works as a reset between you and your ex, and it’s important because it gives them the time and space needed to miss you, but it also is an important time for you to get back to a healthier mindset.

When you’ve been dumped, your confidence is shattered, and No Contact is a great time to do the things that will make you feel whole again. This time period has to be used the correct way, though.

You can’t just count down the days until your first contact text. You have to take steps to better yourself and regain confidence over this time period.

Take this time to work on becoming an Ungettable Girl. Instead of asking them to take you back, show them why they should. We all become complacent in our relationships to an extent and stop trying.

During No Contact, do things that will remind your ex why they fell for you in the first place. Make them regret leaving you by become the best version of yourself that you can be. This was what I focused on over the course of my breakup with my ex.

What I Did

My ex and I had been living together when he ended things a few months ago.

He made a decision that impacted both of us and changed the course of what I thought my life was going to look like. We had been together for years, and I thought I was going to marry the guy.

But I knew, based on previous relationships, that begging was going to do nothing but push him away. The second he ended things, my mind started putting together a plan to get him back.

I knew the first step was to act cool, calm and collected and accept the reality of the breakup.

You see, when a guy breaks up with a girl, they usually expect her to flip out and start acting crazy. By being calm and composed, you surprise him, and he starts to view you differently right then and there. By not begging, you are already laying the important groundwork to begin the process of getting your ex back.

My ex and I continued to live together for some time after our breakup. We had some emotional conversations, to be sure. We both cried and expressed how hard separating was.

But at no point did I beg. I accepted the breakup, even agreeing with some of his points. I told him I wish things had gone differently, but I knew he had some things to work out on his own.

I told him he was definitely making a mistake, because I am an incredible catch and would not be on the market for long. He agreed that I am an incredible catch, and admitted that he was afraid that he was going to regret his decision someday. I just shrugged as if I didn’t care, in a “your loss” type of way.

Begging is a weak move, and the thing that will stick out most to your ex is strength. Over the time that we continued to live together, I went to work every day, and hung out with friends as much as possible. I avoided being emotional with my ex.

Though I slept with him a couple of times (which I do not recommend), I acted as though it meant nothing to me afterwards, which confused him quite a bit. I let him think that I was just using him for sex. I had a rebound which did wonders in boosting my self-confidence.

When I moved out, my ex was all over me, hugging me at every chance he got. At one point, he held me, and his voice shook as he said

“You deserve someone who treats you better than I ever did.” “I do,” I said. He continued “You’re so sweet and so smart. And you’ve been so strong through this.”

When I said goodbye, finally, I didn’t cry. Just hugged him and told him thank you for our years together, and good luck.

He was in worse shape than I was.

After I moved out, I threw myself into becoming an Ungettable Girl in the No Contact period. I made a list of the things my ex liked about me, and the things he didn’t, and I started working on both of those.

He said he didn’t like that I wasn’t into physical activity?

I went to yoga classes, took up running, and signed up for a pole dancing class. And I posted all about it on Facebook.

He said he wishes I was more confident in the kitchen?

I found lots of complicated recipes, made them, and posted about them on facebook.

I got a new job with a huge pay raise, and made other major improvement across all areas in my life, posting about it on facebook all the way.

And I also continued to do the things that he had always loved about me. I made it my mission to play the game of chess by becoming the best version of myself. And I became so much happier, realizing that though I still wanted my ex back, I didn’t need him, and I would be just fine, whether or not we got back together later down the road.

Here is the mentality that I adopted, and I absolutely credit it for how far I’ve come:

I am going to make myself the best possible version of myself that I can be. If it attracts my ex back to me, great. But if not, I will be better for the next lucky man, and more importantly, for myself.

Ungettable Girl’s don’t beg.

They are cool, confident, and strong.

And they don’t care what anyone, especially their ex, thinks of them.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

What if I Already Begged? How Do I Bounce Back?

If you already did the begging and pleading, don’t fear! All is not lost! The first step is to STOP. Stop and immediately jump into a No Contact period. I believe Chris would recommend a 30 or 45 day No Contact for situations in which begging occurred, depending on other factors of how the relationship ended.

Again, this may feel counter-intuitive, but trust me – if you’ve begged or pleaded, the best thing you can do is embrace No Contact. In fact, if you’ve begged, your ex is going to be very confused when all he gets is radio silence.

He may start wondering if you’ve met someone else, or if you’re over it. As Xander says in season 2 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer,

“People want the dream. What they can’t have. The more unattainable, the more attractive.” (You’re welcome, Chris!)

This is true for your ex. When you plead with them, you are showing them that you are still available to them. They won’t worry because they know that they can get you back at any time, if they want. However, when you are radio silent, they’re going to start wondering why, and may start worrying that maybe they don’t have you as much as they thought.

This is a great way to make them start to see the changes you’re making, but also, to make them sweat a bit.

So, if you’ve begged, stop and immediately begin a No Contact period. Utilize this No Contact period by throwing all of your energy into making yourself a better person. Not just for your ex, but for you. If they come back as a result, great. But ultimately, you are going to be better for it, and that is what matters.

Focus on becoming an Ungettable Girl, and share it so that your ex sees what you’re up to.

“It’s About Power”

When I met up with my ex for the first time about a month ago, I was in total Ungettable Girl mode.

I was confident, and definitely in control of the situation. I had him wrapped around my little finger. I got to brag about all of the cool stuff I’d been up to, and he mentioned how impressed he was with how I was making so many positive changes in my life. He admitted he had been wrong about a lot in our relationship.

He apologized multiple times.

In the last month, I kept a calendar keeping track of our contact.

We talked almost every day, with him initiating 18 times, and me initiating only 4. We met up twice and talked on the phone twice. We have plans to continue seeing each other this month.

When you go through a breakup, you lose power.

The best thing you can do is to regain it, and begging is the opposite of that.

However, by embracing No Contact and striving to be an Ungettable Girl, you take the power back. It’s all about the chess match, and you want to be the one saying “checkmate” at the end.

(This article was written as a guest post by Willow)

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16 thoughts on “Does Begging For Your Ex Back Even Work?”

  1. Avatar

    Mae

    October 24, 2019 at 6:13 am

    How about when I sent a long message after a day when he broke up with me and he set me a message telling that he really love me and he hopes to see me in the future when we are the better version of ourselves? What would that mean?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 24, 2019 at 8:53 pm

      Hi Mae, so this is almost a message to give you “hope” and maybe even his guilt showing for ending things. You need to keep with NC and work on yourself to better yourself, but post to social media showing how great your life is and what you’re doing. He will eventually feel like he is missing out and contact you but you need to stay in emotional control at all times and not reply within 30 days

  2. Avatar

    Anonymous

    August 26, 2019 at 11:11 am

    This is going to sound stupid.. but I am a mess and my ex might agree to see me to give me closure. Should I go..? We broke up because I felt like he did not care and I gave him silent treatment for a couple of weeks. When I saw him in his apartment in a state of mess with his anxiety and depression alleviated because of exam stress it just broke me into two. He did not let me clean up and he made me leave.. he said we would be friends and when I begged him but he did not even flinch. He said that it would not work. It’s been three weeks of me begging with no response. Except blocking me from all social media except messenger. When I texted him telling him I was going to therapy and I was not okay, he said he would see me on Thursday but I told him Friday and soon after he blocked me again.. I feel so hurt and I want to call him again this Friday. Should I do that..? Will that initiate a positive response from him. Please help me..

  3. Avatar

    jas

    July 28, 2019 at 4:24 pm

    My ex boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago. We lived together then the arguments started. We did rush our relationship from day 1 , when the arguments started we shouted at each other then he kept telling me to get out because it was his flat. I was backwards and forwards because of the nasty arguments. Until one evening we had a argument he made pack my whole life together in bin bags I had to move back home, I stupidly went back to him… the arguments got worse he physically hurt me. I was gutted i still love him and sometimes think was it my fault because I can be stroppy sometimes?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      July 28, 2019 at 4:58 pm

      Its not your fault…a physical abuser is always wrong and you need your space and time to heal in every which way and also evaluate whether you should ever return to this relationship given his history

  4. Avatar

    April

    March 24, 2019 at 3:29 pm

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and five months, and we’re a distance relationship. Lately, we haven’t spoken a lot, and our lack of communication was getting worse by the day. He’s going through some tough things in his own life and told me we were gonna have to break up, and then broke up with me. I would text him all of the time after that, telling him how much I love him and how much the breakup is killing me, etc. It’s been about three days after the breakup and he still hasn’t spoken to me or texted me back. What do I do?

  5. Avatar

    Sweetpea

    March 3, 2019 at 7:44 pm

    I had an amazing two years relationship with my boyfriend., we dont fight during our relationship coz we really get along though we only see each other every weekend coZ of our work schedule..but I cheated on him and he can’t forgive me eventhough i beg and beg..I explained to him whats the reason why I did that mistake and still he don’t believed on all the things I said coz I broke his trust..he even told me that his previous ex gf before me also cheated on him and he said once Im done with cheater Im done and there is no going back to that relationship. Do you think the NCR is still useful with this man coz it seem like if he said its over its really OVER! I really want to win him back coz God knows how much I love him and I deepy regretted my mistake..Pls HELP!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      March 4, 2019 at 3:51 am

      Hi Sweetpea….Cool name!

      Certainly cheating can be a set back, but it need not be the end of things. Demonstrate to him that you have ended things with this other person and let him know you are taking some time to reflect and work on being the best “you”…essentially a NC period. Check out my eBooks Program if you have not already as i think it will help you a lot.

  6. Avatar

    Rebecca

    May 7, 2018 at 8:28 pm

    so my ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago after a big fight when he accused me of cheating which i didn’t. i told him i didn’t but he wouldn’t listen. Then i just get silent and want him to calm down. until a week ago i msg him a long text explaining everything, still he said nothing.What can i do?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 7, 2018 at 10:02 pm

      Hi Rebecca….glad you dropped by. He is kinda acting like a brat! And it seems he is now giving you the silent treatment. But if you picked up my ebook, Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro, you care going to be many steps ahead of him in the process of navigating through the breakup waters. So my first advice is for you to improve your chances by following a strategy that is aimed at accomplishing many things. You can learn more about Pro at my website Menu/Products link. I think implementing you own form of No Contact….probably 14-21 days. Its difficult to know just where all this may go, so read up and prepare your Action Plan. And let me know how things work out Rebecca. By the way….i love the name, Rebecca. Its not a name we hear very often these days.

  7. Avatar

    Ashley

    March 10, 2018 at 3:30 pm

    So my ex broke up with me a few weeks ago. We’ve been talking back and forth about getting back together. He told me that he doesn’t know what he wants. He’s right in the middle. He says he goes back and forth. He’s hoping he’ll have a moment of clarity and know what to do. He’s also got his ex in the picture who he’s conflicted about. They have children together. I don’t know what to do. Do I employ the being there method? Or just go into no contact? I did no contact on him over the summer because of the exact same circumstances and I just walked away. He contacted me 3.5 months later to get back together. But we’re now back in same situation. What should I do?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 13, 2018 at 5:05 pm

      Hi Ashley,

      For me you should move on..

  8. Avatar

    Danae

    October 12, 2017 at 6:23 pm

    My boyfriend broke up with me last week. We had a relationschip for 2.5 years and i did the most stupid and selfish thing. I cannot live with myself or the thought of what i have done… i chaeted on him… I didn’t tell him because i didn’t want to lose him ,which was stupid off course cause he found out. I told him i was so sorry and that i would make it up to him and he somehw didn’t react which i thought was weird. until a couple of weeks later when he DID break up with me…We had this crazy big fight and i couldn’t take it and wouln’t accept it… I begged the whole night basically (Cause I had to sleep there) but in the morning I just left… We had contact but very litlle and i felt like he still liked me and loved me… I had no to little converstation with him and when we talked he mostly started it… THen one day i went out with som girlfriends and i was dressed up realy nicely (like BOMB nicely) and suddenly he texted me that i was still the prettiest girl he knew and tht he would always love me and care for me. 3 days later I was with him and he suddenly said he wanted to give it another shot. We did, but a week ago he suddendly completly changed his mind… I don’t know why, maybe i said something wtrong? but suddenly we were fighting and things got so mesy and he broke it off… I begged and begge and gbegged telling him i was changing and working on me for him… but he didn’t change hi mind… I am Heartbroken by this becaue he made me believe he wanted to try!! I believed him… now he’s telling me i ruined it and i don’t know how this happened…. two weeks ago he told m he loved me and wanted to be with me… then this. I DONT GET IT. and i’ts really hard to accept it… that’s why… I’ve been begging jim the past week or so to give it another shot but he keeps telling me now, than tells me its doesn’t work for him ‘at this time’ then again no.. it’s confusing and I don’t know what to do… I’m so scared tht if i do NC and UG now it wn’t work anymore and thats why i keep beggin but i need to stop… i want to keep talking to him to give myself hope but i realize its not working… Help help help! what do i do??

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 13, 2017 at 5:20 pm

      Hi Danae
      It’s not a guarantee to work but you can still try the advice on this one:
      Fix Your Relationship If You Cheated On Your Ex Boyfriend Before Its Too Late (Video)

  9. Avatar

    Annie

    July 2, 2017 at 5:55 pm

    I have been too fast too soon after the NC and now he has become distant and I became distant even more and it isn’t working ! What should I do? I have begged after the NC and now all my progress is lost! What should I do?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 4, 2017 at 9:23 pm

      How many times have you done nc before?