Today we’re going to talk about the age old adage that if you leave your ex alone, they’ll come back to you.
We’re going to be discussing what that looks like and whether we actually see that happen in real life.
And we’re going to be drawing from our direct experiences coaching over 2,500 individuals from the past two years across our breakup websites, Ex Boyfriend Recovery and Ex Grilfriend Recovery so we’ve had a lot of different experiences coaching men and women going through breakups.
Let’s begin.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizIf You Leave Your Ex Alone Will They Come Back To You?
So, before we answer that I think we need to first point out what we see happen in the average scenario with our clients.
The number one problem we see our clients have is an inability to leave their exes alone.
They just can’t seem to give their exes space or time to work through their emotions.
This is probably because most of the people coming to us were broken up with, so they have an extra incentive to try to fix things immediately.
They figure they need to pull out all the works to get their ex back before their ex moves on to someone else.
Oftentimes our clients will come to us after they have literally blown their ex’s phone up with 45 text messages or 70 missed calls or 25 voicemails and these aren’t exaggerations – real people are doing this. We see this so much we’ve actually come up with a fun acronym to describe some of these people – GNATTING:
- Going
- Nuts
- At
- Texting
(This is a concept I’ve talked about a lot.)
This may or may not be mind-blowing news but here it is: This kind of obsessive and overbearing behavior towards your ex almost NEVER works in bringing them back to you.
If anything, blowing up your ex’s phone severely reduces your chances of successfully getting them back. The worst thing you can do when you’re trying to convince someone to take you back is to keep pushing and pushing them because all that ends up doing is making them more defensive.
People think that if they keep trying to contact their ex, they’ll eventually say the “right thing” that makes their ex rethink their decision and get back together. Sorry to break it to you but there is no magic phrase you can say that’ll make your ex come back and the more you keep trying, the more you will push them away. This has a lot to do with positioning.
Your ex most likely broke up with you so in their mind they’re positioned better and feel like they have more power over you. They probably think they can do better than you. So, when you keep blowing up their phone and are unable to leave them alone for a little bit, all you do is re-enforce their decision. They’ll think something like “See,
I knew she was emotionally unstable and obsessive like this.”
I know it might be hard to hear this, especially if you’ve engaged in this type of behavior but just put yourself in your ex’s shoes and imagine how you would feel if someone you were dating refused to leave you alone. You’d probably block them if they kept blowing up your phone because you don’t want that kind of energy in your life.
So, what’s the alternative?
Is leaving an ex alone the key to winning them back?
That’s going to be a solid yes…and a no.
Leaving an ex alone is important for making an ex come back to you but doing it alone isn’t enough. Simply leaving an ex alone and ignoring them won’t bring them back unless you utilize that time properly.
This is why we recommend everyone on ex-boyfriend recovery, ex-girlfriend recovery, and our ex recovery program to use a no contact rule after their breakup.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizA no contact rule is a period of 21 to 45 days where you ignore your ex while working on improving yourself.
That last part is really the key to getting your ex back because you can’t just assume that your absence will be enough to make your ex miss you and get back together with you.
The act of ignoring your ex in and of itself is not going to be enough to make them suddenly realize they made a mistake in breaking up with you.
Something else has to happen during that time that you ignore them or leave them alone.
It took me years to pinpoint exactly what that “something else” was but after some research and talking to several success stories who reported their ex coming back after they had moved on, I found the perfect theory to explain this concept – attachment styles.
What are attachment styles and how do they impact your chances of getting your ex back?
Attachment theory dictates that the environments you experienced while growing up as a child influence your way of handling emotional relationships.
There are four main attachment styles:
- secure,
- anxious,
- avoidant,
- and fearful.
Today we’re only going to talk about two: the most common one and the ideal one.
The most common attachment style we see in our practice is the anxious attachment style.
The anxious attachment style can be described as the most emotionally needy of all attachment styles.
They always crave human connection and will try to fix things immediately because they can’t bear the thought of being alone.
It’s incredibly difficult for people with anxious attachment styles to leave their ex alone because they feel like their ex would leave them forever. These anxious attachments will often bind their self-worth to their exes, and this encourages the GNATTING kind of behavior that only pushes exes further away.
The Holy Grail Of Attachment Styles
On the other hand, a secure attachment style is the holy grail of attachment styles.
People with secure attachment styles are confident, calm, non-reactive, and resilient.
These people can reciprocate how to handle feelings and they do not link their worth to any other relationships. A relationship is a mere accessory or bonus in their life, but it is not the end goal by any means.
This kind of attachment style makes for healthy and mature relationships where they can give their partners breathing room to do their own thing.
Would you rather be with someone who’s secure attachment or anxious attachment?
Your answer is probably secure attachment.
So, ask yourself this… which one of these are you?
If you’re an anxious attachment style but you’d want to be with a secure attachment style, then you can understand why your ex would want the same. The real key to getting an ex back after leaving them alone is cultivating yourself during that time to go from an anxious attachment style to a secure attachment style.
When you’re trying to get an ex back, you’re probably exhibiting signs of an anxious attachment style so you need to start working towards a secure attachment. This is especially important during a no contact rule because it’s the perfect time to have that paradigm shift and start settling into a more secure attachment style.
Transitioning from an anxious attachment style to a secure attachment style is not an overnight ordeal so don’t be too hard on yourself if you find yourself slipping into anxious thoughts every once in a while. The trick is to start by mimicking a secure attachment style so that eventually you fully start thinking that way. The best way to work towards a secure attachment style is by changing how you see hurdles in the ex recovery process.
A cornerstone of secure attachment is looking at problems that others may see as world-ending events through the lens of problem-solving. They see minor setbacks in the ex recovery process as fun problems to solve and challenges to overcome. So, where an anxious attachment person might see getting blocked by their ex as the end of the line, a secure attachment will either give their ex some space or start brainstorming ideas to get unblocked. That’s what you need to start doing!
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizA lot of people report that their exes came back and tried to talk to them after years and the common thread in all of those instances is that the person had moved on or adopted a secure attachment style.
Exuding a secure attachment style is the key to getting your ex back because there’s this automatic magnetism to secure attachments that will pull your ex back. You don’t even have to be directly talking to them – the secure attachment can show itself from your random social media posts too.
Trust me, your ex will notice a switch from anxious to secure attachment.
Conclusion:
Simply leaving an ex alone and doing a no contact rule is not enough to get your ex back. It rarely works and even in the cases that it does there are usually other reasons for why it did..
What matters is using that time to adopt a secure attachment style that naturally makes your ex want to be in a relationship with you again!
Molly
February 11, 2021 at 4:00 am
I was with my boyfriend for six months. He was separated with a kid and a busy schedule with work(we work for the same company in different cities). We had a rough week, I drove down to see him, got in an accident, found out he had cheated(though very small), and stress was a lot. The part for my car took three days to receive, the day he drove me back to pick it up, he broke up with me before he dropped me off. He said ‘he didn’t see the relationship going anywhere’ and that ‘we’re too old to be wasting each other’s time’. He texted me that night to reiterate the wasting time and make sure I was home safe. I didn’t reply. He hasn’t contacted me since. I’m blown away.
Help
January 18, 2021 at 5:27 pm
Me and my ex had a rocky on and off again 5 year relationship. Long story short this past summer it got really bad and we called it quits it was mutral but I later regretted it and reached out he told me to leave him alone. I reached out 3 more times over the next 5 months . With no response finally after not reaching out for almost two months he reached out we talked for about a month then I wanted to see him he told me no he didn’t want to see me because my past behavior. I can agree I really needed to work on my behavior. So I tried to explain to him how I changed. He quit responding I didn’t reach out anymore for two weeeks after the two weeeks I heard some info from a mutual friend which made me upset and I sent a mean message and he responded saying how I just proved his point in why he didn’t want to see me. I didn’t respond to his message. I don’t know if I should ever reach out again or if in that case it would be best to let him reach out first.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 18, 2021 at 9:00 pm
Hi there, so you need to first work out why your relationship was always on and off again and what was not working. Along with the message that you sent when upset proved to him that you cannot work? I would suggest that you 45 day NC and work on yourself in that time, and see how you feel near the end of that NC if you want to get him back or if you are falling into a habit of wanting him back just because of your history.
Rose Jones
January 17, 2021 at 11:27 am
Hi Chris, so I was in a committed relationship for like 6 months then corona came and lockdown which created a distance between us. According to him when he came back to town he cheated twice with his roommate friend. I found out about it and when I confronted him about it he didn’t deny it and apologized. Out of nowhere he dumped me same day and I did some crazy things cause I was so hurt. Then I let him go. I didn’t even beg him or chase after I just left him alone. After a few weeks he contacted me but I did not reply him I only replied him after 2 months. I didn’t even realize I implemented the no contact rule all along. In December we met and talked. Eventually his actions mislead me and we had s**. Me thinking we got back together I behaved like a gf and when I reacted as one he told me he wants us to be friends and vibe and that he can’t date me but wants me in his life. I was shook and hurt that he played with my emotions. So I was mad and told him I do not want to be in FWB situation with him and that he should fing someone else to do that with. I told him to leave me alone and let me. Lastly I told him to let me get over him lol. I’m 28 and he’s 23. That’s more reason why I decided to let him go cause I think he’s just immature for me.
I wanted to know if there’ll ever be chance for us to be together again? Idk if I want him back but I know he’ll contact me again. So should I let him go and just move on and find someone my age?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 18, 2021 at 9:45 pm
Hi Rose, I think its less of an age gap thing and more of the fact that you are in different places in your lives and you want a relationship where he would rather something more casual. If you were open to a relationship with him in the future then thats great, but you could also follow the program so that you show your ex what he has lost (by being Ungettable girl) and following the program step by step.
Nicolette Raske
January 16, 2021 at 8:30 pm
Hi Chris my ex boyfriend of almost 13 years.
Recently asked me to please block him on social media.
Because he didn’t wanna ruin my life and or my relationship.
What are your thoughts on this I blocked him because he asked me to.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 18, 2021 at 5:04 pm
Hi Nicolette, I am not sure without more context of why he thinks having you on social media is going to ruin your relationship or life? Unless he is speaking of a new relationship with a new boyfriend and he just does not want to see you moving on.
Payaal Somaiya
January 7, 2021 at 3:03 pm
Helloo, my boyfriend who I was with for just over a year broke up with me. This is not the first time he has done this, he has broken up with me before, I would say at least 6 times. We are doing long distance, I cannot see him at the moment as the UK is currently in lockdown, so we are unable to see each other. He broke up and told me that there was no bond or understanding and our conversations did not flow because he doesn’t think we have anything to say to each other and that we said ‘I love you’ to each other soon and we did not get to know each other and that I would not be able to help him move forward in his life and said that I was not ambitious in any way. He also said that we were not compatible at all because of something he had read on an astrology website. He also mentioned that the previous times we got back together was because he felt sorry for me as I kept texting his family and his mum. During the time, I got really close with his family, especially his mother who adores me and the main reason he broke up with me was because we’re not compatible and we’re two different people who think differently. Is there anything I can do to get him back and get him to commit? Thank you in advance.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 15, 2021 at 11:03 pm
Hi Payaal, I would suggest that you need to go into a No Contact and this time do not reach out to his family! Follow the rules of no contact and work on yourself in that time, read Chris’ articles about being Ungettable and us social media platforms to show the positive changes you have made to yourself since being broken up, living your life and being happy.
Melissa
January 2, 2021 at 5:22 pm
Hi, my boyfriend broke up with me a month ago after 4 years because he said he loves me as a friend and that what he feels is not enough for a relationship to go on. We never argued and ended things peacefully, I respected his decision. There is no one else involved as far as I know, and there is still some kind of love and respect between us. Now, here is the thing: I would like to try no contact but since we agreed we’ll stay in touch and nothing bad has happened I didn’t manage to go through with it. Now my father is in a hospital in a very bad condition from Covid and my ex is asking about him almost on a daily basis. I don’t think it would do any good to ignore such texts and everything is too hard to handle. So, my question is if there is some kind of reduced NC that I could use? Thank you in advance.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 4, 2021 at 9:24 pm
Hi Melissa, so I understand the circumstances are hard and you can keep him updated about your father, but you need to follow the no contact rule if you want to follow this program. The shortest no contact is 21 days, which you could use, but you need to decide if you can follow the program or not and then start applying it to your situation.
Dressa
December 19, 2020 at 3:06 am
Hello!
I was in a LDR with a guy from Europe. We were fighting a lot before because of my insecurities but I am also going through a hard time dealing with depression etc. 2 weeks he broke up with me , also 2 weeks before my trip to him, saying he felt caged in the relationship and that he wasn’t happy with me and blocked me everywhere. I reached out to him through my brother phone last week saying that I’ve looked for profissional help an that I am doing something about it and all he said was “I’m glad shes getting better I hope everything works out for her”. The thing is that he hasn’t cancelled the flight yet. It is still going on and it’s tomorrow, should I take it and try to talk to him in person? I thought about sending him an email before going saying that I’m On my way to him and I’d love to talk to him in person because it’s important to me and I could even stay in a hostel but I don’t know if he’s gonna show up at airport, I am really afraid he won’t.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 30, 2020 at 7:28 pm
Hi Dressa, I would not recommend doing this! It is going to make you look desperate as well as not respecting his decision. Go into a no contact and focus on yourself!
Alice
December 12, 2020 at 4:32 pm
Hey, my ex broke up with me a year ago. He told me few months ago he didn’t feel ready to be friends at the moment. Recently he has started to watch my fb stories which he never did before, and he liked one of my close friends fb profile pics, when he rarely likes things? Trying to not read too much into it – but any thoughts about this behaviour?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 12, 2020 at 8:36 pm
I would agree, I wouldn’t read too much into it, it seems he is just being active on social media.
Andrea
December 11, 2020 at 10:54 am
Hi Chris
My ex broke up with me around 2018, and if I texted him (after no contact), I got an okay response, i.e. if I asked how was his weekend, he would just say it was fine, however, recently I’ve been texting him (but not every day), and he’s told me things he never told me before, he replies to my “what book are you reading/what football match are you watching/having for tea/how’s your parents/work etc with wordier replies and even asks me those questions back. Not only that, but we’ve been able to have a laugh together via text. Also, I put an experimental x at the end of my last text, and he put the same. What do you make of this?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 28, 2020 at 9:18 pm
Hi Andrea, it sounds as if you are making progress in building rapport with your ex, keep it going at a natural pace and do not get ahead of yourself. If you want him back then remember that this is been a long term break up so you are both going to be different people.