EBR 032: What To Do If You Work With Your Ex Boyfriend

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

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Working with an ex boyfriend is always a tricky situation to be caught in.

Today we hear from a woman who is in that exact situation.

She doesn’t exactly have a name though.

Well, she probably does but she didn’t give it to me. Instead, she gave me a handle to call her by.

What’s the handle?

“Is There Hope”

So, from this point forward any time I refer to the woman in this episode I will be calling her “Is There Hope.”

Here is a brief synopsis of her situation with her boyfriend,

  • She dated him for 3 months
  • They currently work together
  • The live 40 minutes away from one another
  • Her ex was really big about communication
  • He is 37 while she is 28
  • She wrote him an apology letter after the breakup

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What I Talk About In This Episode

  • Apparently I am a lover and not a fighter (though I am not sure I buy into that.)
  • What I think were a few contributing factors into the breakup.
  • The importance of communication
  • The rules for working with an ex boyfriend
  • How to handle working with an ex boyfriend
  • My special tactic for… oh, you will find out if you listen to the entire episode from start to finish 😉 .

Important Links Mentioned In This Episode

The Importance Of A Game Plan

As Ex Boyfriend Recovery has grown bigger and bigger it has become quite challenging for me to stay on topic with a lot of the things that I need to get done. So, lately what I have been doing is creating little game plans for me to follow every single day so I can get everything I need to get done.

Guess what the results of doing that have been?

INCREDIBLE.

It really highlighted how important having a game plan and sticking to it is to me.

So, I want to re-iterate to you that if you are going to try to get your ex boyfriend back you absolutely need to have a game plan.

Here is the game plan for “Is there Hope”

work

Step One- Make The Correct NC Alterations

There are certain alterations that you are going to have to make to the no contact rule if you work with your ex boyfriend. For example, you need to keep things strictly about business and in the event that your ex boyfriend does come up to try to talk to you about something other than work make sure you give him a vague response.

Step Two- After NC Send Mixed Signals/Flirt/Friendzone

Do you want to know the best way to mess with a mans head?

Friend zone him…

Then flirt with him…

Then friend zone him again…

Give him mixed signals at work so he doesn’t know what the heck is going on.

Step Three- Follow The Texting/Calling/In Person Layout

You really need to pick up PRO to get an in-depth layout of what you need to do here.

Basically you want to implement the normal game plan that is in that book.

Step Four- Leave Him Wanting More

I do something really clever in the episode to demonstrate how to do this.

(Hint Hint… Listen to the very end.)

Podcast Transcript

Welcome to Episode 32 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. It seems like just yesterday that I started recording these episodes. Now we’re up to 32. To be honest, I never thought I would make it this long. I never thought I would have this many episodes. For the most part, it’s been successful. A lot of people have been telling me that they wake up and listen to this podcast every morning. It gives me the motivation to keep recording these episodes. Thank you for listening.

I’d like to start today’s episode with something interesting. I’m trying to do this new thing where I talk about something interesting at the beginning of every episode. I don’t like things that are generic and the same every single time. At the beginning of every episode, I’m going to tell an interesting story or share a fun fact. Yesterday it was more about the website redesign. The day before that was about astrological signs.

Today I’m going to talk about one of those silly quizzes that you take on Facebook. Lately I’ve been scrolling around Facebook. I’ve been getting into these quizzes. Some of them are dumb. For Star Wars, it might be, “What Jedi are you?” It’s Yoda versus Luke Skywalker or Darth Vader. I took one yesterday that was pretty interesting.

I got a result that I’m not sure that explains me perfectly. I’m always curious at how they arrive at these. It’s a quiz where they ask you nine questions. Based on your answers, it’s supposed to describe you. This one was, “What five-letter word describes you perfectly?” I got “lover,” which I was not expecting at all. Here is the definition for lover. Tell me if you think it sounds like me.

“Has anyone ever told you how wonderful you are? You have been an unsung hero for so many people in your life. You’ve done great things without ever asking for a return.” I’m not sure that’s completely true. “You not only stand up for what you believe in but you also stand up for those who can’t stand up for themselves.”

For the most part, that’s accurate. It’s not wholly accurate. “You respect those who have different perspectives.” That’s mostly accurate. “That qualities that most of us lack, you have maintained gracefully.” I think it should be, “Those qualities that most of us lack, you have maintained gracefully.” “It’s not far-fetched to say that you’ve won at life.”

I like that last part. Again, I’m sure life would be pretty boring if you won at it. Part of the fun is trying to win. It’s the ride as opposed to the result. That’s our little fun thing today.

Today we’re going to be talking about what to do if you work with an ex-boyfriend. Coincidentally, a lot of women seem to do this. We’re going to hear from a woman named Is There Hope. That’s her handle. She didn’t really give a name.

Let’s hear from her now:

“Hi, Chris. My ex-boyfriend and I dated for three months. We work together. We live about 40 minutes away from each other. He made more of an effort in the relationship as far as coming to see me and communicating about things. He said that communication was a really big thing for him. He’s a little bit older than I am. He’s 37 and I’m 28.

He said that communication is a big issue as far as relationships go. He broke it off and said that he hopes we can eventually be friends. I wrote him an apology letter saying that I wanted to work on things, that I would be more communicative with him. I said I did not want to be just friends. That’s not what I want from him at all.

Since that letter, I have not reached out to him at all. He has reached out to me through text messages three times, once when he was drunk, several text messages in a row. There was nothing about wanting to get back together, just asking how I’ve been. Today he stopped by my desk at work to see how I was doing but mentioned that his boss was asking what was going on with us. He told her that we were no longer dating. He was asking how I was doing. I didn’t really know what to say.”

Unfortunately, you got cut off. There is only a minute and a half time limit on the messages. I think I got the gist of your question. I think I can really help you out. You work with your ex-boyfriend, so I’m going to try to tailor this episode more towards that. Although, I’m going to be diving into your situation more specifically. It’s just that more people visiting the website will probably get more out of something that I put together if they work with their exes, because so many women end up working with their exes.

Let’s do a quick recap of your situation. You were dating him for three months before the breakup occurred. That’s not exactly the longest time in the world but it’s long enough to leave an impact on him. You work together, which is what this whole episode will be structured around. You live 40 minutes away from each other. It seems like, even though technically you’re not in a long-distance relationship, you are some distance away. He stressed communication a lot, which is interesting. You usually hear women stress communication as opposed to men.

Usually it’s the men who are quiet and introverted and the women who are extroverted and ready to communicate. I think that women are better at dealing with their emotions. They’re better at talking about things. Men aren’t so much. We’re a little lacking when it comes to that. We’re good at physical stuff. Emotional stuff, not so much.

He’s 37 and you’re 28. I think you are at an age where the age gap doesn’t really matter as much anymore. You wrote a letter apologizing and explaining that you’re going to be more communicative in the future.

Let me tackle this apology letter. I’m not a fan of letters at all. Is There Hope, I’m sure you are a fan of Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. You cared enough to leave me a voicemail. If you read Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, you will know that I am not a fan of letters at all. I don’t think they’re that effective. I think it’s a waste of time. However, in this case, I don’t think you hurt yourself too much except the fact that it seemed like you were begging. I know it wasn’t necessarily considered begging but he will perceive it as begging. What he perceives is what really matters.

The first thing I want to say is that it seems like he was putting a little more effort into the relationship, which is not cool at all. I’m not here to get on your case, Is There Hope. I’m not here to judge you. I’m just here to tell it like I see it. It seems like the distance was an issue for the two of you. It may have contributed to the breakup. He probably felt that he was putting a little more effort in than you were since he was constantly coming to see you. Maybe you didn’t go to see him as much.

Going forward, if you were to get him back, you need to make sure you communicate with him that it will be more even next time around. For example, maybe you can do a switch-off thing where he comes to see you one week and you go to see him one week.

You go back and forth until eventually your relationship builds and grows into something where you can have a more permanent solution. You then potentially live together, get married and live happily ever after and have millions of kids. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves yet.

You didn’t really go into his reasons for the breakup. But you did mention a few things that I think could have potentially contributed to it. I think maybe this was one of the reasons he felt that he was putting more effort into the relationship than you. That’s not cool. Personally speaking, if I felt I was putting more into a relationship than my significant other, I would not like it at all.

It would make me unhappy. I would not go as far as breaking up with someone over it, but I would say that it’s worth communicating to that person. A relationship is a two-way street. I can’t pull both of our weight. Both of us need to pull the weight of the relationship. I can’t pull the entire weight of the relationship on my own. At the same time, if a man is putting in all the work in a relationship, he’s not going to feel very admired by the woman. We all know how much men love to be admired. That may have been a potential reason for his breakup with you.

Let’s move on to communication. I found it fascinating that he kept stressing the communication thing. He’s right on the ball here. Communication is one of the most important aspects to a relationship. He’s 37 and that tells me that he’s experienced in relationships. He’s had relationships before and he probably understands the importance of communication.

Let me give you an example. Let’s say that one day, a guy that you used to date contacts you. He hits on you. You are faced with a choice right now. You can erase the text message, ignore the text message, respond to the text message and engage in flirting or you can communicate this with your boyfriend and earn some super big brownie points.

You can communicate and say, “I just want to let you know. This guy messaged me. I want to have an open dialogue with you about this. I used to date him. I want you to feel comfortable and trust me. I would like to communicate to you that I don’t feel comfortable with this. I’m going to respond this way.”

You’re going to earn some super brownie points with your boyfriend for doing that. It’s huge. He’ll trust you. He’ll think, “Wow, if she’s willing to tell me about a guy hitting on her, she’s really trustworthy. She won’t ever cheat on me.” You can kill any kind of little insecurity that he may have in the back of his head.

Communication is important. That’s just one small example. It seems like communication may have been an issue since he might have felt that you weren’t putting as much into the relationship as he was. That could have been potentially solved with communication. Going forward, he is right. You will need to communicate a little bit better if you haven’t been doing a good job communicating. Let’s not get that far ahead.

Let’s focus on the situation at hand and talk about the rules you need to follow when you work with an ex-boyfriend. I’m going to give you a game plan now, Is There Hope. I think it’s really important that you have a game plan. It didn’t seem to me like you had a game plan going forward. Part of that might be because you wanted me to put a game plan together for you, which is fine. If you have a game plan and you stick to it, you will substantially raise your chances of getting him back. Game plans are so important. I cannot stress that enough.

You don’t have to follow it if you don’t want to, but this is my expert and professional advice for you. I’m going to structure a game plan for you around working with your ex-boyfriend. I’m going to go from start to finish.

Step one to this game plan is, when you’re working with an ex-boyfriend, you want to try the no contact rule. But the no contact rule has to be altered. When you work with your ex, you’re going to be forced to talk with him. You will be forced to be in situations where you talk to your ex about work-related matters.

Keep these situations specifically about work-related matters. You also mentioned that he visited your desk. That’s fine. You don’t want to seem like a jerk for ignoring him. If this does happen again where he approaches your desk and asks you how you are, be very vague in your answers. Give him yes or no answers for the most part. Don’t be mean. Smile at him a lot. Nod your head a lot.

Be very communicative without being communicative. If he says, “Hey, how is your day going?” look at him, smile and say, “It’s good.” Leave it at that. Try to get out of the conversation as soon as possible. The main point here is that you want to understand that things are different now that the two of you aren’t dating. You want to approach him from a position of strength as opposed to a position of weakness.

You mentioned that you did not want to be friends with him. That’s fine. I understand that, but don’t announce that to him. Don’t let him in on the fact that you don’t want to be friends. It puts you in a position of weakness. It puts you in a position where he knows that you like him, you want to chase after him and get him back. That’s a position of weakness. This is as opposed to if he doesn’t know that and you’re mysterious. It puts him in the position of finding out whether or not you want him back. That’s a position of strength.

You want to alter the no contact rule. Still ignore him. Do not reach out to him. Implement the no contact rule. In those situations where you are forced to talk to him at work, keep it strictly about business. If he tries to veer off into any other subject, give him vague answers.

Eventually the no contact rule is going to end and you’re still going to be working with him. Then you want to give him mixed signals and friend zone him. Friend zone him first. Then give him mixed signals. Flirt with him a little bit and then pull back. Confuse him. This is almost like a good pitcher. A good pitcher in baseball mixes things up constantly.

You want to do this to your ex-boyfriend at work. Give him those mixed signals, as opposed to him giving you mixed signals. It will mess with his mind if you look like you’re trying to seduce him one moment, and then the next, you can’t stand him. He will be confused by this.

At the same time this happens at work, you are going to be texting him with the advice that I give in Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. I have specific text message strategies that you need to follow. It’s a way to text him. I’m going to link to my ebook, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro, in the show notes of this episode. Hopefully you can pick that up for yourself.

I also created a podcast on texting about the overarching texting strategies that I think are most effective. I’ll also link to the texting episode in the show notes. In case you forgot, you can find the show notes of this episode at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode32.

You want to follow the texting rules. I’ll give you a quick crash course on what you’re trying to accomplish with texting. You want to build attraction through texting where you can transition to phone calls. Then from phone calls, you want to build attraction to transition to an in-person date. Getting this in-person date is essential. Seeing him in person outside of work on a one-on-one basis is really your chance to shine and seduce him. When I say “seduce him” I don’t mean seduce him into bed. I mean seduce him into a relationship. There’s a difference.

Seducing him into a relationship is all about reigniting the fire that you once had, or starting a new fire. A lot of that revolves around him having fun with you and feeling things. You want to dress to kill. You want to look as sexy as possible. This is assuming that you get a date. I’m giving you a very quick crash course to get to this point. There are steps to getting the date. Just follow Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro for those.

On the date, you want to focus on having fun. In Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro, I talk a lot about the date. I updated the version. I talk about what to do on the date, how to get a kiss and a commitment. That’s important. For the most part, once you get a date, you are in really good shape. Your priority, once you get a date, is to get a second date. The best way to do that is to leave him wanting more.

There is an amazing strategy that I just came up with. It does a good job of leaving him to want more. This strategy is absolutely incredible. It’s probably the most amazing strategy that I’ve ever come up with.

[The podcast outro music cuts in]

Did you want more after I set that up? You probably wanted more. You wanted me to tell you the strategy. That was the strategy–cut things off quick. Find the high point. Catch his interest. Hook him. Make him want to find out what happens next so much. Then cut him off. That’s the strategy.

That’s the quick crash course to getting your ex-boyfriend back if you work with him. I hope that helps you, Is There Hope. That’s going to do it for this episode of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Did I fool you with the clever outro there? I hope I did. Thanks so much for listening. I’ll see you tomorrow.

February 1, 2017

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

With over 7 million women just like you coming to this site ever year, I’ve seen about every situation you could imagine. Most of the time, I can just ask a few questions about your situation and know in seconds the chances that you have of getting back together with him. I’ve compressed all of that wisdom into a single calculator What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back.

Take 4 Minute QuizAnd Find Out Your Chances!

What Do You Think? (107)

  1. Emma - 0

    Emma

    My ex, James, and I, after a month and a bit of NC were texting a bit, quite friendly, some actual banter going on! Then he stopped texting a few days later. Just didn’t reply. Bit weird. Then eventually he sent me a message saying: “Please give me a bit of space. I don’t want to hear from people ‘did you cry and lock yourself in the bathroom?!'” Basically, Neil (a complete douchebag at the theatre group we’re both in) was pestering me all about the breakup, asking what had happened, and saying really horrible things about James. He wouldn’t let it go and I just ended up telling him what happened when James dumped me, just a rundown of what happened, then I asked him to leave me alone. I didn’t consider he would go and tell James as I thought it was in confidence. But he did, about three weeks after I told him in the first place – so now James is pissed off with me, even though I said I wouldn’t do anything to intentionally upset him, and there was never any malicious intent in speaking to Neil. He hates me. He’s pissed off with me talking about him to people he knows – he sent me a message today that read, “Give me space. I know you’ve not been texting me but I’m fed up of hearing from people during show week talking about you, and you’d saying I’m seeing someone else?!” So once again I’m in the wrong for talking about him. I can’t bloody win.

    I saw him in a show a few weeks ago and got dragged up for audience participation (that I was prepared for!). James was in the show, obviously, and was forced to interact with me and I thought he’d say hi afterwards but he didn’t. Not at all. I sent him a congratulations text and asked how the week has been so either he’s asleep or he just doesn’t want to reply. He’s still majorly pissed off about the Neil thing. The reason he started texting me back in the first place was to be friendly but didn’t want to give me false hope, so he said. I can’t do anything. All I want to do is speak to James and see him and have a laugh like we were doing a couple of weeks ago week and now I’ve fucked it up because of what I said to Neil all that time ago.

    I feel like I’m going insane. I watch James getting on with life like I never existed, and doing things with the friends I thought were mine as well. I’m in tears all the time. He is in my head and my dreams and nightmares, so I can’t even escape him there. I just want it back to how it was, even before we started dating, but I don’t know how to get it there. If I can’t hang out with him … I don’t know what to do. I can’t deal with thinking that it’s over forever and I will never have anything to do with him again.

    I think … Today I’m not doing very well. I haven’t stopped crying. I’m so far from being over him, I realise. I feel stuck. And I’ve found out he’s going to be at an audition tomorrow morning, and of course he’s doing fine, he’s having a great time and has moved on and doesn’t care – although he still is not talking to me, and will ignore me tomorrow. It’s horrible. I go through time when I think I’m okay then I realise that I really, really miss him. It hurts. The enforced time apart isn’t helping me at all but he doesn’t want to talk to me so I have to respect that.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Emma,

      so, you mean you’re going to do the no contact rule to respect his space?

    • Emma Bamford - 0

      Emma Bamford

      Yes, I want to do NC. But he said to give him space. But this was a few weeks ago now, he still hasn’t spoken to me. I sent him one text in the mean time, to wish him luck in an audition.

      So is NC the way to go for now? How long do I do it for? What about when it’s ended – how do I contact him? It will then be about four months since we broke up. A friend thinks he’s still hurting but I just don’t know.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Well, it’s been so long since the break up.. And if he didn’t reply to that text, nc is definitely the better option than to keep texting and look like you’re chasing him. Do at least 30 days, improve yourself. Show that you have a life too and you can’t just wait forever.

    • Emma - 0

      Emma

      I have changed. I’ve improved myself and I’m showing that I’ve got a life. None of the texts I’ve sent have been begging ones, or saying I miss him. Just friendly ones but he’s not replied to any at all. It’s been so long but i still miss him.

      What makes it so hard is he’s ignoring any attempts I do to make contact. He said before – weeks and weeks ago – that he didn’t want to get my hopes up and that he has many friends who he doesn’t get round to replying to (which all sounded a bit, “look at me and how important I am”) … Somebody said maybe he’s still hurt and is dealing with this the best way he can but he doesn’t know how much I’m struggling without being able to talk to him. It’s a bit like we never happened. Everyone else just talks about him like it’s perfectly normal (which it is to them) and I hear all of this and just cry.
      I might see him in January but it’s seeing him get on with everything and be fine that’s hurting me.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      you’ve made effort, and it’s obvious that you’re open to talking. So, if he doesn’t want to talk, it means you have to move on…

  2. Valerie - 0

    Valerie

    Hi, I’ve been friend with my ex for 6 months before we dated. We dated for 6 months after and I was in a difficult situation and i had to deal with anxiety and it affected our relation since the start. A few time he wanted to do the right thing and end it because in his head it didn’t work obviously.. Im not sure he ever undestood the difference between me and him and me who is struggling. He finaly left me after a fight, saying we had great moments but it never really worked and that in the end he felt he loved me less. Now it’s been 10 days and i’m doing really well, I feel strong and i feel like the girl he fell in love with. We work togheter and at work we have to work closely. I act and feel confidente, funny and friendly, whitout pushing it of course… I endend things saying i was at peace with the break up because it made me stand up on my feet and concentrate on myself, also saying that we could see each other sometimes in a friendly manner. I also told him that even if the relation was difficult, we have a nice chimistry and we go well with each other and the relation would have been better if i was in my normal state. I plan on staying low for a while, not seing him and talking outside of work for 15 days, maybe go out and do something with him after that period if he offers to. I want to show him my best self. I hope i’m doing the right thing if not let me know please!

    Thanks for everything

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Valerie

      that’s good. It looks like you’re starting a limited contact since you work together..but I think you should do 30 days

    • Valerie - 0

      Valerie

      I want to do the no contact but he said we would go have a drink soon. I can push it a bit saying that I’m busy alot for a week if he asks me. But if he asks me a second time after that (itll be like 3 weeks from now) Should I accept? since I said we could see each other? And if not how do I refuse? Im really not that busy in life and he ll know then that im just reporting it. Could 15 to 20 days of no contact could be good enough?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Nope, refuse that.. Limited contact means only talking about important thing. No small talk, no relationship nor feelings talk. If he initiates a small talk, reply shortly, politely but direct. That’s too short. And you have to start being active now. Do new things, widen your world and make new friends. And you have to maintain that new routine even after nc.

  3. Kay - 0

    Kay

    Hi it’s me again! In my last post I explained how my ex said he wanted to be friends and ever since he has been really friendly at work. Obviously that was interfering with the no contact rule though because he wouldn’t let conversations end, he would give me compliments and go out of his way to start a conversation with me. This bothers me though because outside of work he has not attempted to “be my friend” once… it’s like he only cares when I’m right in front of him and this just shows me he doesn’t care and makes me upset. So this weekend he continued to try and talk and after multiple attempts of trying to politely walk away or end the convo he finally looked at me and said “you’re talkative today(sarcasm) what’s up?” I looked down when I said it and I just said “I don’t want to be rude I just don’t really want to talk” before I knew it I looked up and he was halfway across the restaurant his only response was “ok” and the rest of the night he clearly went out of his away to avoid me and all of a sudden acted like he didn’t know how to be civil with me. I don’t get it, what is happening? How can he just say ok and walk away from me? I just feel like if he cared I would either hear from him besides just at work or in that moment he would have say ANYTHING more than just okay. Do I really have a chance at making this work? What do I do?? Please help!!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Kay,

      honestly, it just looks like he wants to be friendly at work so, that it’s not awkward with other people.

    • Kay - 0

      Kay

      Hi amor we work in a restaurant so he doesn’t have to talk to me I also tried to put emphasis on the fact that he goes out of his way to talk to me at work. When I told him I didn’t want to talk I said it with nobody around. I just get the feeling that if he can be so okay at work and not reach out to me once in tha 6 weeks we’ve been broken up then that probably means h is over me. Should I give up? I’m losing hope I don’t know how this all happened

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      You’re still in no contact right? Finish that first, and then think about whether you want to initiate after no contact.

  4. Amber - 0

    Amber

    Hello I dated a guy a work with for 6 months its started off as more of a physical relationship but grew into much more. until one day he stopped all communication which felt like out of no where, I have completed my no contact rule however I am always the one to message him and it doesn’t feel like were moving forward at all he always responds but it takes him hours to get back to me and has never asked to meet up im trying my best to stay postitive but he shown no interest and I feel like we are at a stand still please HELP

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Amber,

      how many days did you do the no contact rule and how much did you improve?

    • amber - 0

      amber

      i have changed myself for the better i believe i have joined the gym and have been eating healthier since our no contact and i spend much more time with my friends i dont drop my plans with them any more and go running for him i dont text him as much. i believe i have changed myself in many ways for the better with confidence. i did the no contact rule for 60 days as he went away for school so was not at work for the 60 days which helped and he just got back last week and since my last post he does not even respond to me any more and doesn not make eye contact at work any more and avoids me at all times

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      I’m sorry I keep asking questions. How long have you been talking? Because if it’s just been a week, then sometimes it would really still be awkward. And what topics are you using?

    • amber - 0

      amber

      Questions are great I appreciate your help.
      we talked for about a week.
      we have not talked for about another month now.
      he has just recently started making small talk with me at work.
      the last couple days we have been joking with eachother at work a little, its seems to be a little flirtatious lol
      I have no idea where to go from here

    • amber - 0

      amber

      Questions are great !
      I appreciate the help
      we were talking for about a week but now we have not really talked for about a month.
      we have just recently started talking again at work which seems to be going well. he syays good morning to me every morning and it seems to be a little flirting going on but im not sure if its me just thinking that
      im not to sure where to go fromn here and I have no idea what to ever talk to him about

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Ah.. Just keep doing that..slowly buold rapport by havubg fun chats..even if it’s short, as long as it’s fun, that’s good..

  5. kay - 0

    kay

    Okay so It says to friend zone your ex FIRST, then flirt, then friend zone, and so on and so forth. Buttt, after no contact, how do you first friend zone them? After keeping things strictly business how do you then friend zone them at work? I would imagine after NC you would flirt, and then pull back but this suggest friend zoning first. How exactly do you do this after NC? I mean like specifically in person, I guess texts too but really in person, since I will be seeing him at work the day my NC ends.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      by just being friendly. Don’t initiate a relationship talk with him, nor a feelings talk.. Basically treat him like how you would treat your friends. Just be polite. if you bump into each other, smile and then just go on. Like, be casual..

    • kay - 0

      kay

      Okay thanks. I just purchased PRO and i am a little confused. On the part about Tide Theory Chris has a list of how many texts you should send. Does he mean total in the whole conversation? And he also goes from Day 1 to Day 2 to Day 3 and so on and so forth but to me that seems a little intense. You dont text your ex for 30 days and then your are supposed to text them everyday? Except for where he says wait half a day? Which I’m not sure what he means by this either. If you are texting them everyday then aren’t you waiting 1 day between starting a new conversation? Im sorry but Im just really confused and would really appreciate it if you could help me understand this. Texting my ex everyday seems like not a good idea, and really pushy

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      that’s just a guide.. that’s why on the first days you’re only going to send less than 10 texts. there’s another style, the 50-50..if you want you can try that.. you’ll reply in the equal amount of texts he sends.

      or just text him every other day.. whatever works for you..as long as you dont over text

  6. Susan - 0

    Susan

    Was seeing coworker. Got close in work then in the holiday (8weeks) talked every day and dated (just talking and affection, he was open/sharing). Last date was the end of hols then communication dropped but text he was busy back to work.

    See him in passing most days.

    We’d say hi but was distant. Tried initiating text, again he was busy. Later he approached to say sorry had a family issue, he’d be in touch next week. Heard nothing. He was withdrawn. I text to ask was he ok. No answer for a week. Then a reply saying sorry he’s not ignoring me.

    He seems happy now, always talking/joking with others but I can’t get him alone. Again approached me very briefly to say he had no phone but will message.

    Now he’s back to smiles, winks, hi in passing and I’m friendly back. But he’s not talking to me, in or out of work. He has a phone now (think new number) but hasn’t messaged. This has happened over 5weeks.

    I feel he lost interest, I don’t know how to get it back? I haven’t contacted, just smile/hi in response to him. Techically hasn’t said it’s over but I’m shut out. If we didn’t work in the same building I don’t think I’d have heard from him. I just want to talk again.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Susan,

      I think you need to take it as a break up.. because that’s how it looks like.. Do you want to try the no contact rule?

    • Susan - 0

      Susan

      I know, he basically ghosted while still being polite in person.

      I haven’t initiated anything for 2weeks but I’m probably too friendly still. Thanks for replying.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      ok that’s good.. You’re welcome! And be active in improving yourself 🙂

  7. Hayley - 0

    Hayley

    Hi Chris, I was seeing my boss for about 6 months.. Nobody at work was aware of our situation, but I was getting fed up with no progression within our relationship.. I sparked the conversation & he said work always hangs over him & that he thinks that our connection was mainly physical ( we didn’t really discuss feelings too much) so I said let’s call it a day as I’m not going to invest myself in somebody who is essentially sitting on the fence about me, once I’ve realised I do have feelings for him… I’m unsure why he ever took the risk with me to begin with if he had no plan to commit.

    He has sent a few messages since we ended about a week ago, asking how I am.. I’m finding it extremely difficult to work with him after all this.

    Help

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Hayley,

      decide. If you want commitment, you have to assess your standards. You cant force so the best you can do is assess your standard.. Either you stay with him and give him a chance or you walk away because he’s clearly not into commitment. I’m going to assume you sleep with, (if not, correct me) but when he said it’s only physical, that means that’s all he wants.

  8. Eden - 0

    Eden

    HI, I left a comment before on another post and didn’t receive a response so if someone could please respond that would be amazing I am so desperate at this point !!!!
    So my ex of 3 months broke up with me about 2 months ago. We go to the same church and work together at sunday school so I see him around a lot and at different community events. After he broke up with me I texted him and basically begged him to come back and he said it would be better and less painful for both of us to just end it and then I asked him to just meet him since we will be seeing eachother a lot and I want to be civil and he basically said the same thing of it would be less painful for both of us not to meet up etc. Then I did not contact him for a month and I did not see him since he was away and after a month when I saw him again at church I asked him to go for a walk with me and we did and we caught up on things and he started kissing me and saying that feelings don’t just go away and how he misses me and he brought up old memories and stuff and by the end of the walk I said “so what now?” and he said that we shouldn’t get back together he said he doesnt want to hurt me again and cause more pain for himself and I said what if we take it really slow and he said no I dont think thats a good idea either and then I said you are totally right, now is not a good time for us maybe in a year or so and he said “Maaaaaaaybeeeeee”, I said I am happy he is doing well and would love to be friendly/ civil with him and he asked if I was joking and I said that I was serious and then he said I wouldn’t mind going out for a drink sometime and I did not really give him a response and we kissed a little more and then parted ways and then I messaged him the next day and he didnt respond to me and I saw him at church and he acted like I did not exist like didn’t say hi to me or anything and then a week later when i saw him again at sunday he said “good morning” and i nodded and then later I asked someone else a question about some food that was being served and he answered the question even though It was not addressed to him and i just didnt say anything and he was lingering around me the whole day instead of being with his students but did not say anything to me. and then this week when I saw him again he didnt try to talk to me or anything. I don’t know what to do at this point. please help!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Eden,

      your previous post was answered one day after you posted it, so maybe that’s why you didn’t see it..

      You went too fast after no contact and then you also conveyed that you would wait for him when you asked if there’s a chance after a year.. He has to think you have moved on, and that you kept improving to have higher chances of him being attracted back to you again.. You wouldnt appear as an ungettable girl, if he knows you’ll get back with him in a heartbeat and that you’ll wait for him no matter how long it has been..

  9. Angie - 0

    Angie

    Hi Amor and team,

    It’s me again, would like to update about my jpanese ex who’s also my coworker from my previous comments below.. hope you still rmb 😉 (and btw I bought the complete set of tge E books)

    While doing NC I tried to hv fun, like went to holiday and also start to cook as new hobby and i believe he saw these in Instagram. However sometimes i snapped out of emotion by unfollow and block his IG and private out my fb from him (i cant unfriend his fb bcoz coworkers will questioning). This happened bcoz i feel disgusted that he post sth that’s so unlike him (related to the girl who seem like close to him and support him when he was down) and whenever i saw updates he always like any post of this girl (fyi this girl is already married and hv 1 child. I know well enough he wont date her but still.. )

    However aside of those mistakes, i tried my best to act like nothing happened and keep myself busy.

    After I did NC 30 days I tried to text him again. Yeah I was wrong, didn’t really follow the texting guide, what I did is just asking how is he and ask if he has time for coffee or lunch but turns out he replied one-word coldly. After that i apologize for any bad attitude that i did to him recently and stated that i wish to talk to him again like how we used to and he didnt reply. After that I checked his fb and turns out he private down his posts where ppl tag him..

    Then i went NC another week.

    Surprisingly when i approached him again thru text he suddenly invite me out for the next day. I swear i didnt intend to invite him; i just wanna chat over text or phone.

    Then we talk about when and where to meet like normal. He was the one who decided to make it dinner time so i gave him some options of places and he pick a quite romantic one.

    When we met it really feels like we havent meet for long time. We catch up about gossips around our company and update about our friends and family. He even gave a slice of his food to me. And tried my dessert using the same spoon that i used. However i feel like both of us keep out from talking about our relationship or other personal things deeply. He knows i went to holiday but he didnt ask who i went with. He told me he also went somewhere but didnt tell me what he did and with who and i didnt ask anything about it also. We even dont talk about why i block him in ig although he slipped out sth like “ah yes i saw that in your ig post before!” Bu then we both play it “safe” and dont talk about social media furthermore.

    It went very well with lots of laugh and friendly for 3 hours. He sometimes stand near me when we stood or walk beside me. And even waited for me until i got taxi. He closed the car door for me and waves nicely to me then text me sth like thank you for the dinner and in the end he said “lets go out again soon!”

    However.. after that 3 weeks has passed and he dont initiate any contact to me at all. Nothing changed much except that he become normal; sometimes he ask the meaning of english word (previously he will avoid talking to me very much) and start saying goodbye/see you to everyone including me when he go home.

    I tried to text (rarely) sometimes showing that i care e.g. when i see him look very tired at office. He replied quite friendly but then he’d stop replying suddenly. When i say sth like “get well soon” when he got sick he didnt even reply.

    Should i invite him out for 2nd time? I was tempted bcoz of his text after that dinner that gave a vibe like he wants to go out again with me. But there’s chance that he was just checking if i hv moved on or whether im ok or not.

    I was confused between keep trying or stop bcoz it seem so hard.. i feel like he really isn’t into me anymore..

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Angie,

      honestly it looks like he just checked how you were.. and then he’s being distant because he doesn’t want you to expect more..

    • Angie - 0

      Angie

      Hi Amor,

      thanks for your response.

      I realized about it and should have accept the fact but somehow I dont want to give up and stop hoping. I truly realized I was too horrible to him in the past and he couldn’t accept me anymore even after I realized my mistakes and try to change myself to be better.

      Honestly, I planned to once again seek any opportunity to invite him and try to tell him how I feel about him and that I want to try once again, this time with the “newer me”. I was thinking that, if he turns out to still have enough feelings for me and accept me then it’s good. However if he state clearly that he dont want to be with me anymore then hopefully I can clear my head off him and cleanse all the hope and wishes about him.

      Do you think it’s a good closure? Or should I just let everything slide off and give up without saying anything anymore to him?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      if that’s what will help you get closer, go ahead.. but I don’t agree.. If I were you, I would just move on…

  10. Chisom - 0

    Chisom

    HI AMOR,

    I have already started NC!! 6 days now and it has been hell!! Do i still talk…. To him?? Will he even respond???

    I was asked to start a 21 day Nc

    Please reply
    Thank you

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Chisom,
      I cant’ find your previous comments.. who asked you to do a 21 days nc? When and why did you break up?

    • Chisom - 0

      Chisom

      Hi amor,
      I told u about the relationship with my boss who was blowing hot and cold because we work together.
      So i broke up with him and although he told me it wasn’t a good decision and i should call when am ready to talk, i haven’t spoken to him.
      I sent a mail to @Chris and i was told to do a 21 day Nc.
      I had already asked u here and saw u said i should speak to him first.
      Now its been a week and we haven’t spoken i need ti know what to do.
      Because i am getting different opinions from the same site.
      He is pissesd off with me cuz we work together and i need to know if am doing the right thing by not speaking to him.
      I need a reply Asap.
      Thank u

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      I can’t find the comment where I said you should speak to him first. Is it a different email add? Because maybe my advice then was only for that timeframe..

    • Chisom - 0

      Chisom

      HI AMOR,
      So what should i do, u still didnt advice on my issue, still???

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Sorry I wan’t clear. I have to find the first comment you made and the advice I gave, because it’s hard to justify why I said what I said at that time because I can’t remember it.. I’m kind of grasping on limited information. But with what you said, it looks like you weren’t broken up yet when you first commented, am I right? But if I’m going to disregard that, since it’s already been a week and you’ve already broken up with him, then it’s better to follow now what Chris said.

  11. Chisom - 0

    Chisom

    Hi chris.
    My issue is confusing, i dated my boss and broke things off yesterday.
    His not married but our issues are mostly beacuse he felt he was doing d wrong thing by dating his employee.
    To cut this short, he told me to leave or else we cant continue if i still work foe him
    But the issue is, he keeps blowing hot and cold and i just couldn’t figure out where i stood with him
    He told me yesterday that he has alot to say when the time is right and that breaking up wasnt a good decision.
    He called like 5 times but i refused to pick up.
    He sent a text and told me i have his number if i want to talk.
    I haven’t replied or texted back.
    Should i do the NC rule?
    Or is this different

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Chisom,

      I think you should talk to him first.

  12. Jean - 0

    Jean

    My exboyfriend and I broke up about 4 days ago for the second time in a year after a 10 year long relationship and I have been doing no contact since that. The problem is I’m considering if I should attend a wending of a common friend(I only have common friends with him) that’s happening in a few days. I want to be strong and don’t break down in front of him but at the same time I want to show up to say ‘I’ve gone through this and I’m alive’ and it’s the last thing he expects is me showing up. What would be the best thing to do in this case? If I consider going, how should I proceed if he decides eventually wants to talk of how he left things or something like that?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jean,

      go to the wedding because you wanted to go, not just because you wanted to show him that you’re strong. If he talks to you, listen. Just don’t engage in a fight.

  13. Betty - 0

    Betty

    Hi Chris and team

    So I dated my ex, who is also my coworker for 3-4 month, we work in the same department.
    But nobody knows about it. He wanted our relation to be hidden.
    About 2 months ago he became suddenly cold and distanced. I felt him drifting away.
    Before that, everything was normal, we were texting all day everyday.
    So I kept my distance too. Didn’t bomb him with hundreds of msg asking him why is he ghosting me.
    until one week later I couldn’t stand the silence and coldness anymore, i finally confront him that I felt something was wrong and ask him if he needs some space to figure things out.
    He said we were too different, with two different lifestyle and personality and so on….
    I was very confused and upset. Because when he started chasing me. He said the exact same thing, but it was the reason why he found me very attractive. And our different personalities would make us good couple.
    So before he said he wanted to breakup, I said it first, I told me it might be the best that we split up.
    And then I went on NC for more then 30 days. He didn’t reach out to me at all. We avoid eye contact and kept our conversation strictly work related.
    After NC, I sent him a text msg asking him about a address of a restaurant that he once took me on a date.
    I got a weird respond. He answered ” So you are talking to me now? ”
    I don’t know what does that suppose to mean. Do you think its a proof that NC is really working?
    What should I do next?
    Im seeing him at work everyday. He is still acting very cold to me. And won’t even say hi or good bye.
    How do I know if he still has feelings for me or not?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Betty,

      how much have you improved since the no contact rule and are you still continuing to do so? If he’s still avoiding you, that might be because he still has feelings for you, or he doesn’t know how to be friendly again. So, take it slow. If he’s being cold even if you initiate, then it can mean he needs to see that you have really moved on first before he becomes civil with you again.

    • Betty - 0

      Betty

      Dear Amor
      Thanks for the reply!
      I have an update!
      Yesterday while at work he suddenly start flirting with me via text msg! It was his first reach out after our break up. And I don’t quite know how to react. Should I flirt along with him? I don’t want him to feel that he got my attention back either!
      Well what happened exactly was we were going upstairs and instead of taking the elevator with him I took the stairs.
      He send me a text ” Am I such a bad person that You won’t even want to take the elevator with me anymore?” (I was dressing quite sexy that day)
      I replied: “You with I was in the elevator with you?”
      Then he gave me a emoji, the one with the monkey covering his mouth with his hands.
      Should I start flirting or stay the same way in limit contact?
      During NC I have start doing sports, got tanned and even went out on some dates. I’m surly improving.
      Now that he start flirting by text, how do I know if it means he really wants me back? Or he was just attracted to my outfit that day?
      Thank you Amor!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      I think that’s too soon to assume that he wants you back. Take it as it is, he’s flirting with you because he found you attractive that day.

    • Betty - 0

      Betty

      Hi Amor
      It me again…
      So we have been flirting and talking a little by text recently. But things aren’t going anywhere.
      I think he still has doubts … or maybe he’s seeing already someone else.
      Should I go back on NC for a while or stick to the program texting him?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      nope don’t do nc.. if you want, just be less available. Rest for a day or two

  14. Angie - 0

    Angie

    My ex is a Japanese and I’m Indonesian. He’s 25 and I’m 27 years old. We have different religion. We work together until now, in same division. we start dating 2 years ago with on and off relationship and nobody in the company knows this.

    Last month we had a fight. then he start ignoring my text and took distance from me.

    Last week i persuade him to talk in his apartment, he said he had enough of my complains about him. He know that I sacrificed many time and effort for him already but he said this is his limit. He said he tried his best to love me but I keep complaining that his attitude don’t show like he love me so much.

    He said he decided to go back to japan end of this year. What intrigues me is how he said that I’m still important person to him and he still mentally support my dream of studying in japan. He even ask me to stay in his apartment until I’m calm down and able to leave the apartment because I cried a lot .

    Since then he avoid talking to me and even hand over some works to other person while he supposed to give it to me. He looks fine and work like normal. He can talk and joke and laughed with others just fine.

    I heard he start doing tinder. He don’t post anything in FB but he post somethings in Instagram hinting that a girl supports him when he feel down.

    Do i have chance on getting him back? He said he feels fine without me and he think I should be with guy who can treat me better.

    He said I’m still important for him but he look like he don’t care.

    How can i do no contact rule in this situation?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Angie,

      do you want to try what Chris advised above?

    • Angie - 0

      Angie

      Hi Amor,

      Yes, I’m trying the alternated NC. I’m already 2 and half weeks in NC. In the middle of NC, I went to holiday trip and also showed through instagram how much I enjoy it, and even I gave a soft hint that there’s someone trying to get close to me.

      However is his attitude really shows like he’s not going to contact during my NC.

      He do communication about work only through emails, even though we sit side by side , and there are many times he could have talk to me directly about work especially if it’s urgent, but he really avoid talking to me as much as possible. Sometimes he even forgot (or maybe on purpose idk) to send some emails related to my work.. He also dont say greetings like good mornings or “see you” to the team anymore because I was there (maybe). And whenever coworkers try to make a joke together and when I join them, he become silent or moving backward.

      I feel like his attitude is cold to me but he still able to maintain normal attitude whenever other coworkers is around.
      He open his phone a lot and he strictly hide his phone and laptop screens from me. Somehow it’s quite scary and too much that I even think whether I should change my job or not.

      I really wonder whether he really move on already or not..

  15. Silly Girl - 0

    Silly Girl

    Hello Chris (and team)!
    Here’s a messy one… I had a really cool guy coworker (for reference sake, I’ll call him JC) I was getting to know on a more personal level over the course of about 8 months. What I already knew about him should’ve been enough to discourage any further interest, but unfortunately, it didn’t. In fact, what I discovered, with the help of a female coworker, seemed to intrigue me! When I revealed to that female coworker that I would be interested in JC if he were not married (yes, the part that should’ve discourage me) I was informed by her that he was already being claimed by another female at work. Of course, this news caused me to observe their interactions closely, and sure enough, they had, what I like to refer to as, a “work marriage.” They were always together, talking, eating, next to one another, etc. I even witnessed a “lover’s spout” one day when she was obviously very pissed off with him. At this point, he and I were only friends and mildly texting back and forth, so I felt comfortable enough mentioning to him, via text, that I’d noticed he had a territorial lil “work wife.” He “lol” at my comment and dismissed it describing her as his “lil academy buddy.” The two of them had spent about 4 months at a basic academy “together” (absent from her boyfriend/children’s father and his wife and children), and I would later find out how close the two of them actually got during their academy, that would dictate his conscience from then onward. At some point towards the end of 2015, their relationship grew apart and communication between he and I increased to a point of obvious flirting. Why I chose engage in such foolishness, knowing about a work wife AND an official wife, is still beyond me, but obviously I did, thus finding my way to this site. January-March 2016 consisted of he and I sharing pictures via texting, making sexual remarks, and even planning a hang-out. These interactions between us were noticed by his “work wife” and prompted her to intervene. She showed up to an outing amongst a group of coworkers for the sole purpose of keeping an eye on him, as she was aware that he and I were attending the event quasi-together. The day of that event is when he first kissed me and claimed that he wanted a deeper relationship with me and I’d be the only one, outside of his wife (yes, sick, I know). Well, to speed things up a bit, for he and I, the entire month of April consisted of tons of mushy text exchanges, makeouts at work, and oh yeah… a few sexual encounters. But, I also noticed how there seemed to be an attachment between him and “work wife” that he just couldn’t shake. So, when I pressed him for an answer, he revealed a huge bomb shell secret that involved a pregnancy and an abortion! Finally, it made sense! So, why am I writing? Well, I grew tired of her bold interventions between us and his conscience not allowing him to put her in her place. I’d already, on several occasions, suggested that he and I go our separate ways without hard feelings before things got ugly, because I was pretty sure someone was guaranteed to get hurt in the situation and I was afraid it was likely gonna be me. But, each time I suggested, he declined the “out” and insisted they were just really close friends and said “we’re gonna be fine, Baby.” Well, we were aware that some changes were about to take place at work that were going to seriously decrease the amount of time he and I saw each other and likely increase the amount of time he and “work wife” saw each other. And what happened next is where the s**t really began to stink and piss me off. He seemed to be pulling away from me, looking forward to the change and had the audacity to tell me that the two of them had already compared work schedules to see how often they were going to be working together! WTF?!? Needless to say, this arose some insecurities in me. I questioned him further, made my presence around him more pronounced, and insisted that he handle her. To make this already long story short, she went too far one day at work and I couldn’t take it anymore. I immediately turned off the method of communication he and I were using (IM on the computer) and left the job without speaking another word to him. That was followed by silence until I sent him a furious text the next day telling him everything I’d thought about doing over the course of the night including fillingling “work wife” in on every detail of he and I. This seemed to upset him terribly and he pleaded with me not to tell her that we’d been intimate because he’d lose her “friendship” forever after breaking an agreement they’d made about not getting involved with anyone else at work but each other. He then shortly followed that up with he loved her and didn’t realize it until he knew he’d jeopardized losing her. WHAT?! I asked him then why did he pursue the physical relationship with me claiming to want something genuine if he knew he wasn’t over her. He claimed they were on an “off” period as they’d been growing apart and he found himself attracted to me during that time. But, when she noticed him getting close to me, she decided she wanted to rekindle their affair and he answers her every desire; but I think it’s his conscience after what they went through together. So, I’m writing because I’ve concluded that I was obviously the “rebound girl.” Our thing only lasted physically for ONE month! I don’t even want him, I just don’t like the way he went about using me and then ending it to return to her. Since the ugly fallout, we’ve had a couple of friendly conversations, but he’s mostly concerned that I’m going to let the cat out of the bag to her and coworkers about everything, including their “big secret.” Not to mention, I could go to his wife with everything, so I think he’s just trying to maintain a friendly stance with me. I don’t call or text him. I made an attempt to agree to his friendship request via IM at work one day recently but he pissed me off by stating he needed to implement some “strict stipulations.” “Uh, eff you and your stipulations!” is what I wanted to tell him. Instead, I just told him to disregard my attempt and said no more. A few days later, he entered the breakroom where I was sitting with other coworkers and I ignored him so incredibly bad he must’ve thought I just didn’t realize he was there. He stared at me, stood next to me, left and immediately re-entered the room, tried to make conversation, everything he could think of. Later, he sent an IM saying “well, hello to you too.” I replied “I just hope you’re happy, that’s all. You got what you want, my silence = your happiness, right?” He comes back with “no, I want your friendship also.” That’s when I basically told him how that friendship had suffered major collateral damage as a result of him using me like toilet paper and then expecting me to remain quiet so that he and her could have a blissful reconnect. I then immediately signed off IM. My questions to you and your team are: 1.) Did he use me as a rebound or was he ever genuinely interested? 2.) Why didn’t he take one of the clean “outs” I offered him before things got ugly? 3.) Now that he’s out and back with the girl he claims he loves, why is he insisting on a friendship with me knowing how she feels about me? 4.) Why do I want him to want me back even though I would never put myself through that again? 5.) How should I proceed from here having already blown the NC rule when I responded to his last IM? 6.) Should I just be his friend and expect it to remain as that? Please help; I value you all’s opinion and look forward to getting another view point.

    Sincerely,
    Silly Girl

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Silly Girl,

      He’s cheating on his wife and he’s playing you two girls. There’s no such thing as just friends with him. If he really wanted to be friends, then make sure you don’t flirt with him. And I think you’re just justifying his acts by thinking that he’s acting out of conscience. He’s not. The fact that he aborted he’s own child and rekindled his affair and added another one just clearly shows he doesn’t respect women. Move on. You’re hooked to a very dangerous game and it will do you any good.

    • action - 0

      action

      Hey silly girl just wondering how you managed your situation specially having to see him everyday

  16. Jasmine - 0

    Jasmine

    My ex broke up with me less than 2 months ago when we had a fight because he said that i was trying to control him. I was also a little bit needy. At first he was trying to be distant and a little bit angry but i can see him coming closer lately as ive been playing hot and cold. He was my good school friend and he still is. Were both 23. When he comes to school he sits next to me. Sometimes when he greets me he kisses me on the cheek. Few days ago he and his friend came to school with attractive girl that i dont know and i became nervous because i tought that its his new girlfriend then he noticed this and smiled and showed me that its his friends girlfriend. The next day i went to a schools party and he was also there. He tried to hug and touch me at the waist and danced with me while holding my hands. I just accepted. He seemed to be happy while hugging me and his friend applauded us. There was also a guy who was flirting with me at the party and my ex protected me from him. Now its weekend 2 days after the party and he didnt text me neither did i. Is there hope for me? Is he testing me if ive changed or hes only doing ego stroke?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jasmine,

      I think he’s warming up because he sees you’re drifting away.

    • Jasmine - 0

      Jasmine

      He never actually told me lets break up he just distanced himself from me. Should i keep drifting away or should i start acting nicer. I tried to forget about him but i cant and i dont want to. I simply believe that he will be back soon but maybe im lying to myself. Is there a possibility for him to be too much proud boy?

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      YOu should start limited no contact and start to improve yourself and focus on yourself this time.. it means you don’t initiate a talk, and only answer politely direct if ever he approaches you..

  17. Sarah - 0

    Sarah

    Hi Chris, thanks for writing so many informative articles, they’ve helped a lot…
    I was with my ex a few months last summer, still work with him now though.
    We were friendly enough for months but then I found out about a FWB thing he was having with someone at work which started before I even worked there I think, ended just before I worked there, whilst I was seeing him and only reoccurred 5 months after we split. He ended their FWB because she went a bit psycho and demanded a relationship.
    Anyway, I just kept my distance.

    We text a few times and I ended it on a high like you recommend and then one night he text me and asked me to the movies. (I didn’t dress to kill or anything because I didn’t want to seem like I was trying too hard). He text me twice the next day before I’d replied saying he had a really good time etc…
    Now, because we’re friends, I casually asked him to a different movie very subtly because we both wanted to see it..he goes out with the guys instead on the one day and then he didn’t mention the other day we’d provisonally planned (he said Monday OR Tuesday)…so i said do you wanna just make I another night? And he agreed like yeah sure sounds good 🙂

    Now I only work with him once, maybe twice a week but yesterday when I did we didn’t say much to each other… I don’t really know what’s going on now, considering how far we’ve come in terms of talking/texting/hanging out again.
    I’m guessing I hang back, don’t txt him or anything and wait for him to contact me again? Or do I invite him out in a group with our work friends when we go out? I’m thinking just see him the once a week ish in work and don’t txt him so he won’t see or hear from me unless he makes an effort to?

    Thanks again and sorry this was so long!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Sarah,

      sorry for the late reply.. Yeah, just continue texting and calling for now until he asks again.

    • Sarah - 0

      Sarah

      So you think I should keep texting him (generally, not in a creepy/stalkerish way), and ask him if he does want to come or not?

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Nope, it’s like a cycle..repeag from.step 1 of texting contnue to build attraction..be a little bit more flirty this time

  18. In Desperately Need of Your Advice - 0

    In Desperately Need of Your Advice

    Hi Chris,
    I’ve also left you voice mail I’m desperate and am running out of time so I will be really appreciated if you can give me help.
    My boyfriend and I are working at the same office and we’ve dated for 8 months. Our relationship started by his request of wanting to get married with me but at the end he broke up with me by saying although I was what he wanted and doesn’t sure how he is going to be happy with his choice, he has to obey his family’s expectations and marry someone more suitable. Which actually was a bit of an excuse since I have changed a lot during the relationship due to his expectations. After the breakup I strictly applied the NC rule and he came back but just for sex. I gave in at that time but then I again cut him off completely for 2 months. Then he came back again but unfortunately it was just for casual hanging again. After a month of chasing period, at a business trip we went together I gave in and we end up being stuck in a FWB situation now for 1.5 months. He is such a good player and now he knows that no matter how many times I say I’m done unless we are committed I will return to him if he plays it cool and keep ignores me at the office. He’s in a very happy place right now with what we are having but it doesn’t lead to a relationship no matter what I do. Since he can get married all of a sudden with an arranged marriage, I am running out of time and I don’t have any option to keep him close. Please help me even though I know the situation is really messy and seems impossible. The NC only keeps him coming back for casual hanging, I know that he is really attracted by me and wants me but I cannot turn this situation for my own good. What should I do know?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Yes you can turn this situation around girl. This cycle will only stop if you want it to stop. If we experienced maltreatment for the first time, it’s taken as a lesson but if we let it happen again several times, there’s a problem with your standards. He sees that you’re okay in being FWB, so why commit?

    • In Desperately Need of Your Advice - 0

      In Desperately Need of Your Advice

      Wow Amor thanks for the supportive reply it really gave me the motivation I need. Although I know it’s not what I want, I could never show the restraint due to the fear of loss. Whenever I put the relationship card on the table he never compromises since he is preparing himself for the marriage situation which I cannot show myself as an option again. I guess I have to be strict about it this time and if there is another game plan offer for me please share it with me. Appreciated already thanks again.

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      You’re welcome! 🙂

    • In Desperately Need of Your Advice - 0

      In Desperately Need of Your Advice

      I made my claim and at first he reacted with such an understanding and kind manner he even attempted to buy me a small gift out of the blue. Then after he realised that I am serious this time, he has gone mad. He had an argument with me ending it by saying that he will never commit into a relationship and he is not the kind of guy who would beg or fit in these structures, then he lost his seriousness again and ended the conversation with some “funny” sexual stuff. Such incredible mood shifts. My final question is, should I apply the NC again now or just friend zone him dangling sex? He was so serious and clear about the commitment part so I guess there really is no turning back. There are some other male co-workers he didn’t want me to talk and I haven’t even after our break up which has been on-off 6 months now. Should I talk to them now as a declaration of “I am moving on (finally)” ? I am writing it such detailed because may be it can help for other readers too. Thanks again 🙂

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Thank you for taking other readers into consideration! You can do nc but remember that the more you do it, the less the effect. What do you mean by dangling sex? stopping it or make him want it?

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      as in make it like a bait?

    • In Desperately Need of Your Advice - 0

      In Desperately Need of Your Advice

      Yes I was talking about using sex like a bait. However, we had a final argument yesterday, he told me he probably won’t sexually desire me anymore since all I did was caprice and my decision has an emotional motive which he clearly doesn’t need. He claimed he can do anything with anyone and doesn’t need me. His attitude was so disrespectful and he didn’t even seem to take me serious. Therefore, I guess NC is my only option now because if I do the opposite and text him he will continue this attitude and keep seeing me in his pocket. He is so good at making me feel guilty and needless I even regretted and questioned my decision. I actually has lost my hope and unfortunately my self-confidence. Yet, I still get power from your motivation. Any final advice?

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Focus on building self esteem.. And respect for yourself. Though I understand that you did those out of desperation to get him back, but those actions itself is what’s causing him to disrespect you. I hate to reiterate, but we get the respect we show ourselves. Even the people who has high respect for themselves get disrespected but they know when to put a stop to it and cut ties.

  19. Keisha - 0

    Keisha

    Great article, thank you for your help.
    I have a question, what does it mean, my ex said after we broke up: “I love you as a friend, not a lover”.
    it’s really confusing for me..

    I still love him anyway..

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      Chris Seiter

      Have you tried staying friends after the breakup? Is that when he said this to you?

  20. P - 0

    P

    I dated a coworker on and off for about 6 months, but it never progressed into a relationship. In fact, it kind of just dissolved and we never had a conversation about it. Obviously, major communication issues (and I’d say immaturity) there. But for some reason I really want to be in a relationship with this guy… am I just being very dumb? We would have been in a relationship by now if that’s what was ever gonna happen, right?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      Chris Seiter

      Why do you think it didn’t progress and how did you end up not talking?

  21. Alexa - 0

    Alexa

    What does it mean when you ex avoids you like the plague? Every time I enter the room he gets very quiet and almost nervous. I always act the same but our mutual friends/coworkers always complain he acts weird/depressed/not himself not happy, especially when I am in the room. Sometimes he will get up and go home, other times he will not talk at all. If co-workers ask him about me he usually says “she is a very nice girl and I loved dating her, it just did not work” ( A month of fighting leading up to mutual breakup)

    I am in second week of no contact as best I can be. No texts from him and I ignore him at work as much as possible. Sometimes when he talks to the group it seems like he is addressing me. He says he has a lot of changes he has to make for himself. Last time we did speak, he cried to me saying he is not happy with his life, he is worn out and stressed??

    Reply
  22. Megan - 0

    Megan

    Hello 🙂 so, I am 18 and my ex is 20. We are working together but I think I screwed at no contact. See our relationship was awesome, and ended because of his fear of commitment. We really get along and I am deeply in love with him, buthé has a lot goint on in his life, his future really depends on his grade this year, and probably was scared of all responsabilities since he has never ben in a longer relationship than 7 mounths (in hight school it was awfull). It has been almost one mounth. Since we are good friends, when we see each other at work we talk a little about life, but I never texted him or called him exept once for my phone charger. Actually, it probably looks like i’ve got over him because im so busy, always hanging out with New friends and clubbing. Last time we saw each other hé told me I was pretty, that no one was as good as me, that single life isn’t always as good as is looks, gave me a hug intentionally quothing the notebook. What can I do. He talks about how ive moved on to our mutual friends, but tells me that he doesn’t regret, but I know he wouldn’t tell me he was wrong because of his ego and everything. He really wants us to stay friends (he told me when he broke up) actuelly he said I was the best person he’s met on this earth but then doesn’t make anything to have me back. I am lost.

    Reply
  23. Beautifull - 0

    Beautifull

    My ex and I recently broke up , we haven’t spoke on the phone via texts,emails or phone calls BUT we see each other at work , every time he see’s me he stare at me and yes he is speaking to me every time we see each other and I wasn’t / didn’t expect that , I was looking for a non speaking , no contact vibe from him , but now I’m like , “why is he making eye contact ,speaking to me? , we’re not together anymore . I don’t know what to do ….. FYI : we broke up bc we work in the ship yard , I’m very attractive and many other men are attracted to me , I know what I was doing that he didn’t like , ‘socializing with men ,leading them on knowingly and they like me ‘, he didn’t like that now I’m just moving not even stopping to socialize and he’s seeing that . He seems happy and smile when he see’s me

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      Chris Seiter

      So they best thing to do is when you get back together be a little more cautious with his feelings (try not to be flirty with other men when your with him) Your doing all the right things it sounds like so far. I think you’ll get him back pretty easily.

  24. Help - 0

    Help

    Hello. I am having a hard time. I really love my ex. He said he doesn’t love me anymore. We dated for two years. He is now seeing this girl who was suppose to be a friend of mine. What do I do. How can I win him back

    Reply
  25. Very - 0

    Very

    Hi Chris,

    So I am new to this and I needed some advise. My boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago and we both work together! he has told me he cant be with me right now but hes in love with me still. The other day he found out I could potentially be meeting a guy for a drink and he did not like it one bit infact he walked out of work. He keeps telling me to move on as it will never work out and its gone too far and he does not want to see me to talk and I need to get over it (he expressed how much he does not want to see me.. although when I tried and was due to meet someone he text me straight away saying its funny how quick things change!! ARRGGGGG how do I work out what he wants?!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      Chris Seiter

      Have you tried the no contact rule yet?

  26. Kaylee - 0

    Kaylee

    Hey Chris, first off thanks for the great advice you give everyone. I’ve also purchased / read PRO. Me and my ex guy are musicians together. We see each other 5-6 times a month. Together approximately 2yrs. Didn’t really have any break up talk. I had to read between lines… so 2 weeks ago decided to start no contact. The past 2 times I saw him I kept it cordial and brief when he spoke to me. the end of both nights he sent me a text message but I did not respond the last one being he hated not having me around to chat. Funny since he cancelled plans twice on me when I wanted to get together. I’m sure he’s dealing with baby momma issues. Anyway today when we were together he got me alone and told me he knew I was ignoring him and would not be sending any more messages that he could take a hint. I didn’t know what to say but I just said okay and that we probably shouldn’t talk about it. I plan on continuing no contact, but I’m not sure how well it will work for me since he will try to talk to me just to get me talking to him. And we have to talk business. What do you think? Will no contact work when its only part time?

    Reply
  27. Brigid - 0

    Brigid

    Chris,
    My 30 days of no contact went well. He contacted me multiple times, and I never called or texted back.
    He even asked me in person if I was getting his calls and texts after every one.
    I’ve been professional at work, happy and friendly.
    Crossfit doesn’t hurt either.
    He came over today to say hello and see my dog. It was friendly, but I didn’t want to be overly friendly. Cautious.
    I just got a text that said thank you from him.
    I don’t really know where to go from here. I still want to get back with him, but I also don’t want to string myself along if I’ve been friend zoned.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      Chris Seiter

      I think at this point its a smart idea for you to work on building some attraction with him through text messages. Go slowly though.

  28. mandy - 0

    mandy

    Chris,

    My ex and I work in the same industry. We don’t work for the same company, but we do go to the same events. I just started NC five days ago, but there is a huge event coming up on Friday that I’ve been planing on going to since before we broke up. There is a 50/50 chance he will be there. I don’t want to not go since I’ve been looking forward to this event, and there will be a huge group of people there.
    I am super serious about doing NC and am concerned that this could throw a wrench in my plan. As of right now I am planing on going to the event and bringing a few work friends with me to act as a buffer and to run interference for me. Do you have any advice? Should I go and just not interact with him? Should I make other plans? I just love this event so much, but I don’t want to ruin my NC.

    Thanks!

    Reply
  29. Is there hope? - 0

    Is there hope?

    Hey Chris,
    I am wondering if there is a chance it will be harder to get my ex back after NC if he is focused on his (possibly) dying mother. I have confirmed that she is doing okay for now, but will this make a difference in him missing me or deciding to take me back? I see him everyday at work and I feel horrible for not asking about her. Will he think I’ve stopped caring?

    Reply
  30. jess - 0

    jess

    Hello Chris! Does the same concept, flirt and friend zone him, apply when he has a girlfriend?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      Chris Seiter

      Hmm… I don’t think it will be as effective.

  31. Moon - 0

    Moon

    My ex, I don’t know what’s on his mind. It seems like he always tries to be nice with me. When I text him, I can feel that he doesn’t care much about the conversation, but he still replies. Today is an example. I texted him about Fast 7 – his favorite movie. I knew that he saw my message because he was on mobile all the time, but he hadn’t replied me yet. But after 3 hours at the middle of the night, he texted me a goodnight message. He is trying to be nice right? He is afraid of hurting me or he still have feeling for me and still confusing about the relationship (I mean he is having an idea of coming back)????? Of course I am really afraid that he will be cold to me, but I really want him to show his attitude clearly. He’s unclear now. He makes me keep hope and I don’t want to be disappointed.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      Chris Seiter

      I wasn’t as into Fast 7…

      He is trying to be nice and its going to take baby steps to get him back but you are making progress slowly but surely.

    • Moon - 0

      Moon

      Yesterday I sent a ‘goodnight’ message to him, used some nick name we used to use. But he didn’t reply anymore. What does he want?????

  32. Meo - 0

    Meo

    I have done 30 days of NC. Today I texted him a ‘celebrity comparison’ message but he didn’t reply. I am really upset now :-< He had replied positively many message of mine, but this time, he didn't. It seems like I reached his limitation that he can't be nice with me anymore :((

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      Chris Seiter

      I guess he wasn’t in to the celebrity comparison, huh?

      What celebrity did you use?

  33. Minnie - 0

    Minnie

    How to talk with him again?
    Hi, Chris
    I have done the full no contact and now I am at the texting period to get him back. But how can I talk with him naturally? I mean whenever I send him a message, he replies, in a positive way I think. However the conversation is often like: I ask -> he answers, I say something -> he says somethings like yeah, yes.. He rarely asks me about something. It seems like he doesn’t want to expend the conversation. You know being in a conversation like that can make him tired. Maybe I should change the way I talk right? But how?

    Reply
  34. Is there hope? - 0

    Is there hope?

    That was me! I have remained in NC and my ex has contacted me six days in a row! Now his mom is in the ICU and I wish I could reach out and say something. I don’t want to seem heartless. What’s the protocol on this?

    Reply
  35. Brigid - 0

    Brigid

    Chris-
    Boyfriend of 5 years just broke up with me. We work together.
    I haven’t done nc because we are still getting our things back from each other.
    I was very emotional when it went down.
    Currently focusing on myself, gym, goals, etc.
    His reason for breaking up was that we were too routine and I stressed him out.
    Do I nc him? Do we have a chance?
    We had 5 very good years together.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      Chris Seiter

      You can still do NC..

      You are allowed to break NC for an exchange of stuff.

  36. Jannah J. - 0

    Jannah J.

    Side note: that end of the episode haha! I literally exploded into laughter while listening and analyzed my feelings (taking into account what I have read from your book and articles). Good job, and I didn’t expect your elaboration on that as well (which made me happy because I sort of accepted that “end” of the episode). Now I see what you’re showing us haha!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      Chris Seiter

      Haha PHEW I was beginning to worry no one would listen all the way to the end.

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