Working with an ex boyfriend is always a tricky situation to be caught in.
Today we hear from a woman who is in that exact situation.
She doesn’t exactly have a name though.
Well, she probably does but she didn’t give it to me. Instead, she gave me a handle to call her by.
What’s the handle?
“Is There Hope”
So, from this point forward any time I refer to the woman in this episode I will be calling her “Is There Hope.”
Here is a brief synopsis of her situation with her boyfriend,
- She dated him for 3 months
- They currently work together
- The live 40 minutes away from one another
- Her ex was really big about communication
- He is 37 while she is 28
- She wrote him an apology letter after the breakup
What I Talk About In This Episode
- Apparently I am a lover and not a fighter (though I am not sure I buy into that.)
- What I think were a few contributing factors into the breakup.
- The importance of communication
- The rules for working with an ex boyfriend
- How to handle working with an ex boyfriend
- My special tactic for… oh, you will find out if you listen to the entire episode from start to finish 😉 .
Important Links Mentioned In This Episode
The Importance Of A Game Plan
As Ex Boyfriend Recovery has grown bigger and bigger it has become quite challenging for me to stay on topic with a lot of the things that I need to get done. So, lately what I have been doing is creating little game plans for me to follow every single day so I can get everything I need to get done.
Guess what the results of doing that have been?
It really highlighted how important having a game plan and sticking to it is to me.
So, I want to re-iterate to you that if you are going to try to get your ex boyfriend back you absolutely need to have a game plan.
Here is the game plan for “Is there Hope”
Step One- Make The Correct NC Alterations
There are certain alterations that you are going to have to make to the no contact rule if you work with your ex boyfriend. For example, you need to keep things strictly about business and in the event that your ex boyfriend does come up to try to talk to you about something other than work make sure you give him a vague response.
Step Two- After NC Send Mixed Signals/Flirt/Friendzone
Do you want to know the best way to mess with a mans head?
Friend zone him…
Then flirt with him…
Then friend zone him again…
Give him mixed signals at work so he doesn’t know what the heck is going on.
Step Three- Follow The Texting/Calling/In Person Layout
You really need to pick up PRO to get an in-depth layout of what you need to do here.
Basically you want to implement the normal game plan that is in that book.
Step Four- Leave Him Wanting More
I do something really clever in the episode to demonstrate how to do this.
(Hint Hint… Listen to the very end.)
Welcome to Episode 32 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. It seems like just yesterday that I started recording these episodes. Now we’re up to 32. To be honest, I never thought I would make it this long. I never thought I would have this many episodes. For the most part, it’s been successful. A lot of people have been telling me that they wake up and listen to this podcast every morning. It gives me the motivation to keep recording these episodes. Thank you for listening.
I’d like to start today’s episode with something interesting. I’m trying to do this new thing where I talk about something interesting at the beginning of every episode. I don’t like things that are generic and the same every single time. At the beginning of every episode, I’m going to tell an interesting story or share a fun fact. Yesterday it was more about the website redesign. The day before that was about astrological signs.
Today I’m going to talk about one of those silly quizzes that you take on Facebook. Lately I’ve been scrolling around Facebook. I’ve been getting into these quizzes. Some of them are dumb. For Star Wars, it might be, “What Jedi are you?” It’s Yoda versus Luke Skywalker or Darth Vader. I took one yesterday that was pretty interesting.
I got a result that I’m not sure that explains me perfectly. I’m always curious at how they arrive at these. It’s a quiz where they ask you nine questions. Based on your answers, it’s supposed to describe you. This one was, “What five-letter word describes you perfectly?” I got “lover,” which I was not expecting at all. Here is the definition for lover. Tell me if you think it sounds like me.
“Has anyone ever told you how wonderful you are? You have been an unsung hero for so many people in your life. You’ve done great things without ever asking for a return.” I’m not sure that’s completely true. “You not only stand up for what you believe in but you also stand up for those who can’t stand up for themselves.”
For the most part, that’s accurate. It’s not wholly accurate. “You respect those who have different perspectives.” That’s mostly accurate. “That qualities that most of us lack, you have maintained gracefully.” I think it should be, “Those qualities that most of us lack, you have maintained gracefully.” “It’s not far-fetched to say that you’ve won at life.”
I like that last part. Again, I’m sure life would be pretty boring if you won at it. Part of the fun is trying to win. It’s the ride as opposed to the result. That’s our little fun thing today.
Today we’re going to be talking about what to do if you work with an ex-boyfriend. Coincidentally, a lot of women seem to do this. We’re going to hear from a woman named Is There Hope. That’s her handle. She didn’t really give a name.
Let’s hear from her now:
“Hi, Chris. My ex-boyfriend and I dated for three months. We work together. We live about 40 minutes away from each other. He made more of an effort in the relationship as far as coming to see me and communicating about things. He said that communication was a really big thing for him. He’s a little bit older than I am. He’s 37 and I’m 28.
He said that communication is a big issue as far as relationships go. He broke it off and said that he hopes we can eventually be friends. I wrote him an apology letter saying that I wanted to work on things, that I would be more communicative with him. I said I did not want to be just friends. That’s not what I want from him at all.
Since that letter, I have not reached out to him at all. He has reached out to me through text messages three times, once when he was drunk, several text messages in a row. There was nothing about wanting to get back together, just asking how I’ve been. Today he stopped by my desk at work to see how I was doing but mentioned that his boss was asking what was going on with us. He told her that we were no longer dating. He was asking how I was doing. I didn’t really know what to say.”
Unfortunately, you got cut off. There is only a minute and a half time limit on the messages. I think I got the gist of your question. I think I can really help you out. You work with your ex-boyfriend, so I’m going to try to tailor this episode more towards that. Although, I’m going to be diving into your situation more specifically. It’s just that more people visiting the website will probably get more out of something that I put together if they work with their exes, because so many women end up working with their exes.
Let’s do a quick recap of your situation. You were dating him for three months before the breakup occurred. That’s not exactly the longest time in the world but it’s long enough to leave an impact on him. You work together, which is what this whole episode will be structured around. You live 40 minutes away from each other. It seems like, even though technically you’re not in a long-distance relationship, you are some distance away. He stressed communication a lot, which is interesting. You usually hear women stress communication as opposed to men.
Usually it’s the men who are quiet and introverted and the women who are extroverted and ready to communicate. I think that women are better at dealing with their emotions. They’re better at talking about things. Men aren’t so much. We’re a little lacking when it comes to that. We’re good at physical stuff. Emotional stuff, not so much.
He’s 37 and you’re 28. I think you are at an age where the age gap doesn’t really matter as much anymore. You wrote a letter apologizing and explaining that you’re going to be more communicative in the future.
Let me tackle this apology letter. I’m not a fan of letters at all. Is There Hope, I’m sure you are a fan of Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. You cared enough to leave me a voicemail. If you read Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, you will know that I am not a fan of letters at all. I don’t think they’re that effective. I think it’s a waste of time. However, in this case, I don’t think you hurt yourself too much except the fact that it seemed like you were begging. I know it wasn’t necessarily considered begging but he will perceive it as begging. What he perceives is what really matters.
The first thing I want to say is that it seems like he was putting a little more effort into the relationship, which is not cool at all. I’m not here to get on your case, Is There Hope. I’m not here to judge you. I’m just here to tell it like I see it. It seems like the distance was an issue for the two of you. It may have contributed to the breakup. He probably felt that he was putting a little more effort in than you were since he was constantly coming to see you. Maybe you didn’t go to see him as much.
Going forward, if you were to get him back, you need to make sure you communicate with him that it will be more even next time around. For example, maybe you can do a switch-off thing where he comes to see you one week and you go to see him one week.
You go back and forth until eventually your relationship builds and grows into something where you can have a more permanent solution. You then potentially live together, get married and live happily ever after and have millions of kids. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves yet.
You didn’t really go into his reasons for the breakup. But you did mention a few things that I think could have potentially contributed to it. I think maybe this was one of the reasons he felt that he was putting more effort into the relationship than you. That’s not cool. Personally speaking, if I felt I was putting more into a relationship than my significant other, I would not like it at all.
It would make me unhappy. I would not go as far as breaking up with someone over it, but I would say that it’s worth communicating to that person. A relationship is a two-way street. I can’t pull both of our weight. Both of us need to pull the weight of the relationship. I can’t pull the entire weight of the relationship on my own. At the same time, if a man is putting in all the work in a relationship, he’s not going to feel very admired by the woman. We all know how much men love to be admired. That may have been a potential reason for his breakup with you.
Let’s move on to communication. I found it fascinating that he kept stressing the communication thing. He’s right on the ball here. Communication is one of the most important aspects to a relationship. He’s 37 and that tells me that he’s experienced in relationships. He’s had relationships before and he probably understands the importance of communication.
Let me give you an example. Let’s say that one day, a guy that you used to date contacts you. He hits on you. You are faced with a choice right now. You can erase the text message, ignore the text message, respond to the text message and engage in flirting or you can communicate this with your boyfriend and earn some super big brownie points.
You can communicate and say, “I just want to let you know. This guy messaged me. I want to have an open dialogue with you about this. I used to date him. I want you to feel comfortable and trust me. I would like to communicate to you that I don’t feel comfortable with this. I’m going to respond this way.”
You’re going to earn some super brownie points with your boyfriend for doing that. It’s huge. He’ll trust you. He’ll think, “Wow, if she’s willing to tell me about a guy hitting on her, she’s really trustworthy. She won’t ever cheat on me.” You can kill any kind of little insecurity that he may have in the back of his head.
Communication is important. That’s just one small example. It seems like communication may have been an issue since he might have felt that you weren’t putting as much into the relationship as he was. That could have been potentially solved with communication. Going forward, he is right. You will need to communicate a little bit better if you haven’t been doing a good job communicating. Let’s not get that far ahead.
Let’s focus on the situation at hand and talk about the rules you need to follow when you work with an ex-boyfriend. I’m going to give you a game plan now, Is There Hope. I think it’s really important that you have a game plan. It didn’t seem to me like you had a game plan going forward. Part of that might be because you wanted me to put a game plan together for you, which is fine. If you have a game plan and you stick to it, you will substantially raise your chances of getting him back. Game plans are so important. I cannot stress that enough.
You don’t have to follow it if you don’t want to, but this is my expert and professional advice for you. I’m going to structure a game plan for you around working with your ex-boyfriend. I’m going to go from start to finish.
Step one to this game plan is, when you’re working with an ex-boyfriend, you want to try the no contact rule. But the no contact rule has to be altered. When you work with your ex, you’re going to be forced to talk with him. You will be forced to be in situations where you talk to your ex about work-related matters.
Keep these situations specifically about work-related matters. You also mentioned that he visited your desk. That’s fine. You don’t want to seem like a jerk for ignoring him. If this does happen again where he approaches your desk and asks you how you are, be very vague in your answers. Give him yes or no answers for the most part. Don’t be mean. Smile at him a lot. Nod your head a lot.
Be very communicative without being communicative. If he says, “Hey, how is your day going?” look at him, smile and say, “It’s good.” Leave it at that. Try to get out of the conversation as soon as possible. The main point here is that you want to understand that things are different now that the two of you aren’t dating. You want to approach him from a position of strength as opposed to a position of weakness.
You mentioned that you did not want to be friends with him. That’s fine. I understand that, but don’t announce that to him. Don’t let him in on the fact that you don’t want to be friends. It puts you in a position of weakness. It puts you in a position where he knows that you like him, you want to chase after him and get him back. That’s a position of weakness. This is as opposed to if he doesn’t know that and you’re mysterious. It puts him in the position of finding out whether or not you want him back. That’s a position of strength.
You want to alter the no contact rule. Still ignore him. Do not reach out to him. Implement the no contact rule. In those situations where you are forced to talk to him at work, keep it strictly about business. If he tries to veer off into any other subject, give him vague answers.
Eventually the no contact rule is going to end and you’re still going to be working with him. Then you want to give him mixed signals and friend zone him. Friend zone him first. Then give him mixed signals. Flirt with him a little bit and then pull back. Confuse him. This is almost like a good pitcher. A good pitcher in baseball mixes things up constantly.
You want to do this to your ex-boyfriend at work. Give him those mixed signals, as opposed to him giving you mixed signals. It will mess with his mind if you look like you’re trying to seduce him one moment, and then the next, you can’t stand him. He will be confused by this.
At the same time this happens at work, you are going to be texting him with the advice that I give in Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. I have specific text message strategies that you need to follow. It’s a way to text him. I’m going to link to my ebook, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro, in the show notes of this episode. Hopefully you can pick that up for yourself.
I also created a podcast on texting about the overarching texting strategies that I think are most effective. I’ll also link to the texting episode in the show notes. In case you forgot, you can find the show notes of this episode at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode32.
You want to follow the texting rules. I’ll give you a quick crash course on what you’re trying to accomplish with texting. You want to build attraction through texting where you can transition to phone calls. Then from phone calls, you want to build attraction to transition to an in-person date. Getting this in-person date is essential. Seeing him in person outside of work on a one-on-one basis is really your chance to shine and seduce him. When I say “seduce him” I don’t mean seduce him into bed. I mean seduce him into a relationship. There’s a difference.
Seducing him into a relationship is all about reigniting the fire that you once had, or starting a new fire. A lot of that revolves around him having fun with you and feeling things. You want to dress to kill. You want to look as sexy as possible. This is assuming that you get a date. I’m giving you a very quick crash course to get to this point. There are steps to getting the date. Just follow Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro for those.
On the date, you want to focus on having fun. In Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro, I talk a lot about the date. I updated the version. I talk about what to do on the date, how to get a kiss and a commitment. That’s important. For the most part, once you get a date, you are in really good shape. Your priority, once you get a date, is to get a second date. The best way to do that is to leave him wanting more.
There is an amazing strategy that I just came up with. It does a good job of leaving him to want more. This strategy is absolutely incredible. It’s probably the most amazing strategy that I’ve ever come up with.
[The podcast outro music cuts in]
Did you want more after I set that up? You probably wanted more. You wanted me to tell you the strategy. That was the strategy–cut things off quick. Find the high point. Catch his interest. Hook him. Make him want to find out what happens next so much. Then cut him off. That’s the strategy.
That’s the quick crash course to getting your ex-boyfriend back if you work with him. I hope that helps you, Is There Hope. That’s going to do it for this episode of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Did I fool you with the clever outro there? I hope I did. Thanks so much for listening. I’ll see you tomorrow.