In this post I’m going to show you four of the most effective ways to make your Ex realize exactly what he lost.
In fact, these are the exact techniques that many of my personal coaching clients have used to get their Exes back.
Here’s a quick list.
- Implement A No Contact Rule
- Utilize The Zeigarnik Effect
- The Ideal Road Not Taken Study
- My Commitment Theory
Let’s get down to business.
Tip #1: Implement A No Contact Rule
Ah, good ole faithful.
It seems now-a-days everywhere you turn everyone is recommending the No Contact Rule after a Breakup.
Well, I’m no different than anyone else in that regard unfortunately.
Where I am different though is that I just don’t blindly recommend it to people because “it’s the cool new thing.”
I’ve seen it work for hundreds of situations if it’s performed correctly.
If you didn’t already know;
The No Contact Rule: Is a set time period where you ignore your Ex no matter what. Well, except for these alterations.
In other words, if your Ex reaches out to you it is your prerogative to ignore him.
The thinking here is that if you do that it will accomplish two things.
- Make your Ex miss you
- Give you time to reset after your Breakup
Most people focus on the “making the Ex miss you” part and completely forget about the personal reset part and it’s been my experience that, that is the true value of the No Contact Rule.
People who tend to focus more on themselves as opposed to their Ex tend to be more successful.
Of course, that’s not the “sexy” thing to talk about. So, let me give you the stats.
Of my clients who have successfully won their Ex back, 98% have utilized a No Contact Rule in some way, shape or form.
Of the people who have purchased my best selling book , 90% have utilized some form of No Contact.
Finally, of the people visiting this website that got their Exes back, 72% have admitted to using a No Contact Rule.
To say that the No Contact Rule is an important tactic for making your Ex realize what he lost would be a vast understatement.
Tip #2: Utilize The Zeigarnik Effect
What if I were to tell you that someone may have discovered the secret to making someone “miss you” over 92 years ago.
Sounds too good to be true, huh?
Well, in 1927 a Lithuanian psychologist named Bluma Zeigarnik made a pretty amazing discovery about interruption memory.
While studying at the University of Berlin Zeigarnik took note when one of her professors made the off hand comment that servers at a local restaurant seemed to remember unpaid tabs better than paid ones.
This seemed to imply that people remember uncompleted tasks better than completed ones.
I remember pretty well when I heard about this concept. It was kind of like a light bulb went off in my head and I started brainstorming all the applications it could have in the dating scene.
It can inform many of the strategic decisions you make regarding;
- Phone Calls
Here’s the gist of how I incorporate it into the Ex Recovery strategies.
Each one of the mediums above is nothing more than a way to have a conversation with someone else.
The Zeigarnik Effect is another way of structuring your conversations in each of these mediums.
The biggest mistake that I see most people make when having a conversation with their Ex is that the conversation isn’t memorable.
It’s very easy for an Ex to “just be nice” and have a conversation with you and then move on with their day.
Most of the clients that I work with want to be remembered. They want their Exes to obsess about them after interacting and the only effective way that I’ve seen work is by structuring your conversation so that it is incomplete.
Sounds weird, right?
Think of it like this.
Imagine that the quality of your conversation with your Ex could be charted into a graph.
The highs of the graph represent satisfaction and the lows represent dissatisfaction.
What tends to happen if you let a conversation with your linger for too long?
It grows stale.
What happens if a conversation doesn’t last very long?
It never gets the chance to become satisfying.
You have two goals when trying to structure your conversations with the Zeigarnik effect.
1. Find a way to make the conversation satisfying by getting your Ex to engage.
2. End the conversation right before it’s most engaging point.
I often call refer to this as “ending the conversation at the high point.”
In graph format it looks something like this.
Now, you probably have a lot of follow up questions regarding this advanced method but I’m going to refer you to my book to answer those because I think I’ve already spent too much time talking about this.
Let’s move on.
Tip #3: The Ideal “Road Not Taken” Study
Making your Ex realize what he lost is really about regret more than anything else.
The thinking here is that if you can make your Ex regret his decision to break up with you.
If you can make him think of a potential future with you that he missed out on he is going to take positive action in making that future a reality.
Last year three Cornell psychologists surveyed hundreds of individuals and learned some interesting things about the way human beings deal with regret.
They identified three elements that make up a person’s sense of “self.”
- The Actual Self – Consists of qualities that you personally believe that you have
- The Ideal Self – Consists of qualities that you want to have
- The Ought Self – Is the person you feel that you ought to have been
So, the three Cornell psychologists started asking participants in the survey about their biggest regrets in life and 76 percent of people gave a single answer.
They feel as if they hadn’t fulfilled their ideal self.
I find this study fascinating because really what it highlights is how people feel regret about things that they want to have but haven’t achieved yet.
Many let their ambitions or dreams fall by the wayside because they are scared to take a chance or simply don’t have time.
This perfectly encapsulates your current predicament.
You and your Ex are broken up.
You want him to regret his decision but you think he doesn’t.
Turns out the key to making him regret it is to do something to show him something you know he wants but can’t have.
Maybe when you were together he mentioned that he’d really love to go to New York City as he has never been.
Well, maybe after the Breakup you road trip with a bunch of your friends to the big apple and document the experience on social media for the world to see.
You will be actively showing your Ex what he is missing out on by hitting on his “ideal self.”
The other big thing I took from the study was the importance of time. If you want to make him realize what he lost it’s not going to happen overnight.
When people talked about their biggest regrets I got the sense that those regrets didn’t happen yesterday, they happened over many years.
It’s the deathbed argument.
People experience great regret on their deathbed because they are confronted with the truth that they are out of time to experience and the things they missed out on.
In many cases it is very possible to create the regret you so desperately want your Ex to feel.
But it’s maybe not possible right this second.
It will take time.
The only thing you can really do is ratchet up the tension by making your Ex feel he is out of time to have these special experience with you.
And you typically do that by having these experience with someone else.
Tip #4: My Personal Commitment Theory
There is more than one way to skin a cat.
Perhaps that statement has never been more true than in this circumstance.
Tip #3 was all about combining time with regret. Showing an ex the experiences they are missing out on with you.
This tip works actively against that as it takes a more direct approach to making an Ex realize what they lost.
I have a theory behind commitment.
More importantly, what makes people want to commit to each other in relationships and how to make them actually do it.
There are six main factors to keep in mind here.
- Fear of Loss
My theory has always been that if you can stoke the fire in each of these factors you will have success in gaining commitments from anyone.
Let’s take a minute and dissect what I mean by each of these things.
This simply refers to how satisfied your partner is regarding their experience with you.
Now, experience is a broad term so let me distill it down a bit more for you.
When I refer to experience I’m really talking about things like your interactions, conversations and memory.
If your Ex is enjoying himself in your company more often than not then that means he is probably satisfied with you.
In a word, this is nothing more than the grass is greener syndrome.
Can your Ex find someone better than you?
If the answer to that question is yes then they might not stick around very long.
Though ironically sometimes they can’t answer this question unless they date someone else so they can compare the experience of dating you to the other person.
I can’t tell you how often I’ll hear from people who move on to someone new only to regret their decision and want to go back.
Most people think of investment in monetary terms but there is also another commodity to keep track of and that is time.
How much time and emotional energy has your Ex invested into your relationship.
The more, the better.
This also kind of ties into the alternatives side of things. If your Ex is thinking you are one of a kind it’s a very good thing.
Throughout our history what is one of the most effective sales promotions.
ONLY 12 LEFT!
By showing that there isn’t much of a particular thing available it inherently raises the value of that thing.
There needs to be an urgent reason that your Ex will commit to you.
Without that reason you typically wont see success in getting commitments.
Urgency creates tension and that tension is good because it makes us want it to end.
6. Fear of Loss
And here is where we really get down to brass tacks.
Fear of loss is the dark twin of alternatives. Where your Ex thinks about if he can do better than you with alternatives here is where he becomes terrified of losing you.
Usually fear of loss is accompanied by someone else showing interest in you and your Ex growing jealous of that fact.
Putting It All Together
So, now that you understand these six factors behind commitment what are you supposed to do with it?
Well, honestly you try to create as much of it as possible with your Ex.
Weave the ideas into the very fabric of your strategy and you should start to see some success with making him realize what he lost in you.