In this post I’m going to show you four of the most effective ways to make your Ex realize exactly what he lost.

In fact, these are the exact techniques that many of my personal coaching clients have used to get their Exes back.

Here’s a quick list.

  1. Implement A No Contact Rule
  2. Utilize The Zeigarnik Effect
  3. The Ideal Road Not Taken Study
  4. My Commitment Theory

Let’s get down to business.

Tip #1: Implement A No Contact Rule

Ah, good ole faithful.

It seems now-a-days everywhere you turn everyone is recommending the No Contact Rule after a Breakup.

Well, I’m no different than anyone else in that regard unfortunately.

Where I am different though is that I just don’t blindly recommend it to people because “it’s the cool new thing.”

I’ve seen it work for hundreds of situations if it’s performed correctly.

If you didn’t already know;

The No Contact Rule: Is a set time period where you ignore your Ex no matter what. Well, except for these alterations.

In other words, if your Ex reaches out to you it is your prerogative to ignore him.

The thinking here is that if you do that it will accomplish two things.

  1. Make your Ex miss you
  2. Give you time to reset after your Breakup

Most people focus on the “making the Ex miss you” part and completely forget about the personal reset part and it’s been my experience that, that is the true value of the No Contact Rule.

People who tend to focus more on themselves as opposed to their Ex tend to be more successful.

Of course, that’s not the “sexy” thing to talk about. So, let me give you the stats.

Of my clients who have successfully won their Ex back, 98% have utilized a No Contact Rule in some way, shape or form.

Of the people who have purchased my best selling book , 90% have utilized some form of No Contact.

Finally, of the people visiting this website that got their Exes back, 72% have admitted to using a No Contact Rule.

To say that the No Contact Rule is an important tactic for making your Ex realize what he lost would be a vast understatement.

Tip #2: Utilize The Zeigarnik Effect

What if I were to tell you that someone may have discovered the secret to making someone “miss you” over 92 years ago.

Sounds too good to be true, huh?

Well, in 1927 a Lithuanian psychologist named Bluma Zeigarnik made a pretty amazing discovery about interruption memory.

While studying at the University of Berlin Zeigarnik took note when one of her professors made the off hand comment that servers at a local restaurant seemed to remember unpaid tabs better than paid ones.

This seemed to imply that people remember uncompleted tasks better than completed ones.

SOURCE LINK

I remember pretty well when I heard about this concept. It was kind of like a light bulb went off in my head and I started brainstorming all the applications it could have in the dating scene.

It can inform many of the strategic decisions you make regarding;

  • Texting
  • FaceTime
  • Skype
  • Phone Calls
  • Dating

Here’s the gist of how I incorporate it into the Ex Recovery strategies.

Each one of the mediums above is nothing more than a way to have a conversation with someone else.

The Zeigarnik Effect is another way of structuring your conversations in each of these mediums.

The biggest mistake that I see most people make when having a conversation with their Ex is that the conversation isn’t memorable.

It’s very easy for an Ex to “just be nice” and have a conversation with you and then move on with their day.

Most of the clients that I work with want to be remembered. They want their Exes to obsess about them after interacting and the only effective way that I’ve seen work is by structuring your conversation so that it is incomplete.

Sounds weird, right?

Think of it like this.

Imagine that the quality of your conversation with your Ex could be charted into a graph.

The highs of the graph represent satisfaction and the lows represent dissatisfaction.

What tends to happen if you let a conversation with your linger for too long?

It grows stale.

What happens if a conversation doesn’t last very long?

It never gets the chance to become satisfying.

You have two goals when trying to structure your conversations with the Zeigarnik effect.

1. Find a way to make the conversation satisfying by getting your Ex to engage.
2. End the conversation right before it’s most engaging point.

I often call refer to this as “ending the conversation at the high point.”

In graph format it looks something like this.

Now, you probably have a lot of follow up questions regarding this advanced method but I’m going to refer you to my book to answer those because I think I’ve already spent too much time talking about this.

Let’s move on.

Tip #3: The Ideal “Road Not Taken” Study

Making your Ex realize what he lost is really about regret more than anything else.

The thinking here is that if you can make your Ex regret his decision to break up with you.

If you can make him think of a potential future with you that he missed out on he is going to take positive action in making that future a reality.

Last year three Cornell psychologists surveyed hundreds of individuals and learned some interesting things about the way human beings deal with regret.

They identified three elements that make up a person’s sense of “self.”

  1. The Actual Self – Consists of qualities that you personally believe that you have
  2. The Ideal Self – Consists of qualities that you want to have
  3. The Ought Self – Is the person you feel that you ought to have been

So, the three Cornell psychologists started asking participants in the survey about their biggest regrets in life and 76 percent of people gave a single answer.

They feel as if they hadn’t fulfilled their ideal self.

I find this study fascinating because really what it highlights is how people feel regret about things that they want to have but haven’t achieved yet.

Many let their ambitions or dreams fall by the wayside because they are scared to take a chance or simply don’t have time.

This perfectly encapsulates your current predicament.

You and your Ex are broken up.

You want him to regret his decision but you think he doesn’t.

Turns out the key to making him regret it is to do something to show him something you know he wants but can’t have.

Maybe when you were together he mentioned that he’d really love to go to New York City as he has never been.

Well, maybe after the Breakup you road trip with a bunch of your friends to the big apple and document the experience on social media for the world to see.

You will be actively showing your Ex what he is missing out on by hitting on his “ideal self.”

The other big thing I took from the study was the importance of time. If you want to make him realize what he lost it’s not going to happen overnight.

When people talked about their biggest regrets I got the sense that those regrets didn’t happen yesterday, they happened over many years.

It’s the deathbed argument.

People experience great regret on their deathbed because they are confronted with the truth that they are out of time to experience and the things they missed out on.

In many cases it is very possible to create the regret you so desperately want your Ex to feel.

But it’s maybe not possible right this second.

It will take time.

The only thing you can really do is ratchet up the tension by making your Ex feel he is out of time to have these special experience with you.

And you typically do that by having these experience with someone else.

Tip #4: My Personal Commitment Theory

There is more than one way to skin a cat.

Perhaps that statement has never been more true than in this circumstance.

Tip #3 was all about combining time with regret. Showing an ex the experiences they are missing out on with you.

This tip works actively against that as it takes a more direct approach to making an Ex realize what they lost.

I have a theory behind commitment.

More importantly, what makes people want to commit to each other in relationships and how to make them actually do it.

There are six main factors to keep in mind here.

  1. Satisfaction
  2. Alternatives
  3. Investment
  4. Scarcity
  5. Urgency
  6. Fear of Loss

My theory has always been that if you can stoke the fire in each of these factors you will have success in gaining commitments from anyone.

Let’s take a minute and dissect what I mean by each of these things.

1. Satisfaction

This simply refers to how satisfied your partner is regarding their experience with you.

Now, experience is a broad term so let me distill it down a bit more for you.

When I refer to experience I’m really talking about things like your interactions, conversations and memory.

If your Ex is enjoying himself in your company more often than not then that means he is probably satisfied with you.

2. Alternatives

In a word, this is nothing more than the grass is greener syndrome.

Can your Ex find someone better than you?

If the answer to that question is yes then they might not stick around very long.

Though ironically sometimes they can’t answer this question unless they date someone else so they can compare the experience of dating you to the other person.

I can’t tell you how often I’ll hear from people who move on to someone new only to regret their decision and want to go back.

3. Investment

Most people think of investment in monetary terms but there is also another commodity to keep track of and that is time.

How much time and emotional energy has your Ex invested into your relationship.

The more, the better.

4. Scarcity

This also kind of ties into the alternatives side of things. If your Ex is thinking you are one of a kind it’s a very good thing.

Throughout our history what is one of the most effective sales promotions.

ONLY 12 LEFT!

By showing that there isn’t much of a particular thing available it inherently raises the value of that thing.

5. Urgency

There needs to be an urgent reason that your Ex will commit to you.

Without that reason you typically wont see success in getting commitments.

Urgency creates tension and that tension is good because it makes us want it to end.

6. Fear of Loss

And here is where we really get down to brass tacks.

Fear of loss is the dark twin of alternatives. Where your Ex thinks about if he can do better than you with alternatives here is where he becomes terrified of losing you.

Usually fear of loss is accompanied by someone else showing interest in you and your Ex growing jealous of that fact.

Putting It All Together

So, now that you understand these six factors behind commitment what are you supposed to do with it?

Well, honestly you try to create as much of it as possible with your Ex.

Weave the ideas into the very fabric of your strategy and you should start to see some success with making him realize what he lost in you.

34 thoughts on “How To Make Him Realize What He Lost”

  1. Avatar

    Mary

    August 18, 2019 at 8:11 pm

    I’d like to know if I stand a chance or if it’s time to give up. My bf broke up with me 4 months ago. Initially I was not into him at all and planned to break it of with him quite a few times in the dating face. It took him 7 months to win me over. We were together for just short of a year.
    During the last part of our relationship he went through some personal career related stuff. He grew distant & I grew needy.
    When he left I begged him to stay. 2 weeks later it would have been our one year anniversary & I gave him a letter.
    After that I did 30 days of no contact, but I may have fucked it up, I still followed all his insta stories & likes stuff? I also asked him to meet up to catch up right of the bat. Took a few weeks for it to happen, started at few light text conversation during this time. When we meet it was great, we talked & laughed. I initiated a few text messages a few time after that & another meet up about a month after the first meet up. He suggested a concert, I had hoped it was a date. Again, fun & easy, but unfortunately not a date!
    On his birthday, I decided to send him a sexy picture. He said he did not see this coming. That I looked really good, but he did not see us getting back together & he didn’t have the feelings I appeared to have. We could hang out as friends, but probably nothing more. Is it time for me to give it up or in your professional opinion, do I stand a chance?

  2. Avatar

    Roche`

    August 1, 2019 at 6:56 pm

    HI Chris. I’m in a bit of a situation where I started dating a friend about 2 months ago. Everything was going really great and then he just ended things. Out of shock I just said I understand and I tried to move on. I would say it was a good break up and we remained friends. We spoke today cause i felt I maybe just needed an explanation that’s better than “it’s me not you”. After today I realised the real reason is cause he felt we moved too fast, and he felt that we had certain “serious” conversations too soon. After those serious conversations he tried to get back to normal but he just couldn’t go back to how things were.
    Our conversation today went very well, and I also explained to him how I felt. I agree things went way faster than it should have, and I had alot of quilt in that too(I can be quite in the moment sometimes, I’m a hopeless romantic). He made it clear though that he isn’t feeling it anymore.
    We are rock climbing friends, and our whole friend group is quite tight, and we basically do everything together. So NC is honestly just not possible. We train together almost every day and usually go on climbing trips every other weekend.
    We are on good terms and there’s no akward vibes. But he seems to be completely done. He is a heavy thinker (sometimes overthinks everything), so when he puts his mind to something he sticks to it.
    Things are weird but also not. Feels like things are like how it was before we dated or even liked eachother. But in my heart I still can’t help but want more.
    It’s hard, because he seems pretty solid about being just friends. I can see he still cares about me and he’s being very respectful and sweet. I genuinely just think he just has zero romantic feelings anymore. Which is hard to gasp or even understand how it can go from the most romantic emotional open and honest relationship to just him not even looking at me the way he used to.
    How can I regain that feeling he had for me? Keep in mind NC is not possible in any way.

  3. Avatar

    Biba

    July 21, 2019 at 8:16 am

    We were talking for 2 months after the break up then NC for 30 days, but at the end of the NC I did something that he hates so for a result – he erased me from all his social media and he also has a new girl.
    How do I get out of this situation?

  4. Avatar

    mee

    July 8, 2019 at 5:40 pm

    hey Chris me and my bf were friends of 3yesrs then things become d/t and we start relationship ……everything was nice and passionate …..I gave him my virginity and everything was good …..we fight a lot of times because of I was scared of if he is looking other girls but he said he can’t live with out me ….his family’s know me …….then idk the real reason but I was scared of loosing him so…..I don’t wanna get hurt of it so I start giving more time for my friends only
    ……and he became change and he cheated on me/!!! our common friends tell me that but I was waiting for him to tell me but he keep talking with her and ignoring me ……..I heard that they start relation …..I was begged him to come back then he did but I heard rumors that he is still with her I told him and we break up…..but I can’t forget him so when he say sorry I accept his sorry …..I go for begging him again to come back we get back for the third time and he tell me that we can’t be like before everything was. limited ……we stayed for month and half…….one day he tells me he don’t want to be with me ..

    he become hot ant cold during the last relationship ……..I start no contact rule for three weeks but still he didn’t come back……what should I do???

  5. Avatar

    Jenny

    July 6, 2019 at 11:14 am

    Hi Chris,

    I was dating this guy and things were on the right track for exclusivity, however, right before we had a big date he told me his ex girlfriend of 8 years (they had been broken up for 1.5) approached him and asked if he wanted to get back together and that it really put him through a loop. I asked if he was planning on getting back with her and he said he doesn’t know he was very surprised. It’s been a week now and we are still talking everyday but he hasn’t told me if he’s made up his mind … please help! Or is 8 years of history too much to compete with? I don’t know why they broke up but I do know she lives hours away.

  6. Avatar

    Ali

    July 3, 2019 at 10:47 pm

    Hi Chris,
    So my ex and I broke up about 2 weeks ago.. on my birthday (rude I know). We’ve been together a little over 2 years, 8 months of that was long distance then I decided to move states to be with him & move in with him. I’m his first serious relationship so maybe that’s why I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt. Anyways, he’s been distant for some time now after he told me back in October that he needed some space since he was struggling with work & I did as best I could being as we live together & still tried to make him happy by Cooking for him, cleaning, etc. but we never got back to our old solid relationship & the intimacy took a dive. Fast forward to my bday we haven’t had sex in 3 months & it was really getting to me. We had a conversation about it a couple weeks prior & he basically said he didn’t know what the issue was but he felt that we were growing apart & that it wasn’t sitting well with him. We got into a fight on my bday because basically I didn’t feel valued to he broke up with me. Gave him a few days to cool down & we talked about it & he opted for a break instead of a breakup & that he didn’t want to us see other people. So I said ok then I will move out for a month to give you space, the next day when I told him I went to look at a place he flipped out on me! Screaming at me making me cry, he then came back & consoled me saying sorry that he had a rough day at work that I didnt deserve that. But The day comes where I leave and I let him know how I’m feeling that I love him but I feel as if he’s gotten lazy in the relationship & that I deserve better then that, that if I’m not what he wants to let me go so I can find love in another person if he doesn’t think that’s him. He hugged me goodbye & started crying & locked himself in the bathroom to cry for 30 mins, then just left without looking at me or saying goodbye. So now I’m confused. I was going to do the no contact rule & we didn’t speak that night, but the next day I went back to our apt while he was supposed to be at work to print something out & he came home. But he was nice to me since the printer wasn’t working, tried to fix it for me but couldn’t so said he would work on it for me . But now I feel like if I do NC now it’s really rude since he is trying to help me. He thought that me moving out was such a bad idea, I’m just trying to figure out a way to make this break beneficial for us.

  7. Avatar

    Jenny

    July 3, 2019 at 7:46 pm

    Hi Chris I was wondering if you could help me out with my ex. I read a lot of stories of other couple but I don’t want to get my hopes up only to be crushed. So me and my ex have been dating for 6 months. We recently broke up for about two weeks because I had some personal problems and broke up with him on impulse. However, when I fixed my problem I begged him for a second chance saying I changed for the better. He told me he doesn’t think it will work because I’m not ready and he doesn’t feel healthy as well. I used to text and call him every other day telling how sorry I am and I regret everything. He just told me I had to move on. I haven’t talked to him for about 3 days now. But I’m scared within the NC days he’s having all the fun in the world and will meet another girl. I really don’t want to lose him but I don’t know what to do. We agreed to be friends and I see him on campus. We have small talk but it’s nothing big. I am honestly starting to give up but at the same time my head won’t let me. I really don’t know what to do.

  8. Avatar

    Lynn

    July 2, 2019 at 9:44 pm

    My boyfriend broke up with me in December and ghosted me since.
    We had a very complicated relationship. Loved each other like crazy even up to the last day! So passionate. Both separated but work with my ex. Both have kids. He feels resonsible for the hurt that his kids are feeling. We spoke briefly in April, where he told me he can’t be with me and that he is working hardto fix what he did to his boys and won’t jeopardize that for anything. He then said he doesn’t think it is healthy for him to be talking to me. Now back to ghosting.
    Lost cause?

  9. Avatar

    Maya

    July 1, 2019 at 10:36 pm

    Hi Chris, I’m at two weeks of no contact after a five-month relationship ended. The problem that I’m worried about is that after we broke up (he said I that I deserved better and he can’t give me what I want) I told him that I loved him for the first time. I felt that I had to say my truth even though the relationship was ending. He said he didn’t know if he could love anyone right now. Is there any chance of this relationship coming back together now that he knows I love him and he hasn’t gotten there?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      July 2, 2019 at 3:09 am

      Hi Maya….just keep going forward with your NC and doing the things I teach in my comprehensive Program – “EBR PRO Bundle”.

  10. Avatar

    Ciara

    June 28, 2019 at 2:09 pm

    Hi Chris,
    Firstly – excellent work. Your advice is sound and helped me so much and so many times. I recommended you to a few of my friends overseas too and we are all big fans of EBR.

    Not sure if this is the right page to be posting this but…my boyfriend and I have had a complicated 2 years. We’re quite young, but when we started dating he was this perfect guy who completed me in ways I never realised. I took it for granted, acted like a jerk. Took a break from him because I was confused between someone else. Nothing ever happened with the other guy though and I was back with my current a couple days after.

    But after that, when we were together. We talked through everything, he said he genuinely forgave me and I believe that. But it was a catalyst because 10 months on, now he is a completely different person. He never ever makes an effort, never even organises to see me. Openly tells me he doesn’t want to talk much, he doesn’t care about my day, he doesn’t care about what I do because its always problems. Gets so angry at me so easily because I get anxious and try and talk through things but to him he is just seeing this as “problems” “drama” or “stress.”
    I chase him so much, I have thrown every shred of dignity out the window. He doesn’t even make any effort in bed. I initiate sex and he goes along with it. Never pays for anything. Always blames me and says “oh i would have done something if you just didn’t throw a big fit about it.”

    Is this fixable? Can he ever go back to who he used to be or become better? Can no contact or ungettable anything work? or am I just living in the past. Please tell me honestly.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 28, 2019 at 7:45 pm

      Hi Ciara….Thanks for your kind words. Unfortunately some guys don’t understand that when you want to talk about things, you just mostly want him to listen and understand and be supportive…not necessarily solve everything. Some guys are solution oriented. I do think NC would be the right medicine here. Take a good look at my Program – EBR Pro Bundle as it takes a comprehensive view of all of this.

  11. Avatar

    biba

    June 26, 2019 at 9:56 pm

    Hey Chris,
    what if he started reaching out more and showed that he misses me and I scared him off again cause it felt so good and like before. And now he stopped reaching out. And I’m now doing NC since 10 days ago. Is it still possible now?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 26, 2019 at 11:19 pm

      Hi Biba…yes, No Contact is often the right medicine. But there are many elements to this process, so give EBR Pro Bundle a look as I created it to help people with the entire breakup process.

  12. Avatar

    Lisa

    June 26, 2019 at 7:33 pm

    We’ve been talking and sometimes it went great, sometimes i felt like he didn’t really want to talk. Eventually there was an opening and he was almost asking for it, so i took the chance to say: “well, if you want some company, we can meet up tomorrow?” He liked it and we agreed to hang out. (The meet-up is now a little more than 2 weeks ago).

    We talked about stuff, watched a movie etc. Than he kissed me. When it was time to go home he dropped me off at the trainstation and we sat in the car and he said: “We still have 2 minutes before your train comes” and he wanted to keep talking. When i got out of the car he said to text him when i got home. So i did. We talked a little, then went to sleep.

    After that i didn’t hear from him all week. So i texted him that weekend to know if he had fun plans for the weekend and how he was doing. He answered and initiated a conversation later that day. After that he never contacted me again. I take it as a rejection and haven’t contacted him since, but what the hell? I don’t get it..

  13. Avatar

    wisdom

    June 26, 2019 at 6:24 pm

    good news here

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 26, 2019 at 11:25 pm

      Always good to hear good news….

  14. Avatar

    Katie

    June 26, 2019 at 2:49 pm

    Hi Chris,
    I was dating my ex bf for almost 2 years. Found out he was cheating on me starting fun July of 2018. He first said they were just friends but hid her from me. He broke up with me in March to be with her. Two weeks later we got back together then I. April he broke up with me again to be with her and moved in with her and her three kids. From April until June 18 he texted me everyday telling me he loves me and misses me and we would hang out once a week. Then on June 18 he told me he chided her over me, that he loves me but doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. We both haven’t spoken or texted one another since that day/ I really love him and want him back or should I just move on and forget about him. Please help

  15. Avatar

    Drea

    June 24, 2019 at 11:26 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I’m on day 28 of NC and I think it’s working well. On day 21 my ex reached out to me. I responded to his texts and we had a nice, upbeat conversation and he texted me more the next day but I haven’t heard anything more since. He is looking at my social media posts regularly and I can tell he has mixed feelings about our breakup. Do I wait for him to reach out again? Shouldn’t he be the one to tell me he misses me? I’m confused as to why he reached out and then disappeared again. Did I ruin my chances by responding? I thought that his outreach meant he missed me and wanted me back.

  16. Avatar

    Jenny

    June 24, 2019 at 10:17 pm

    This is not about an ex but having read your blog, I think you can help me.
    I have a crush with someone and he has one on me It would be awesome but… He is in love with another person. He is “grieving” and trying to take distance for her (she only used him) and I don’t know what to increase my chances. I leave him space, never GNAT and he knows that I respect him. I’m not friendzoned because he likes me and tells me but he is depressed, so I have no chances, it seems… How could I improve the “being there” method to help him (and win “points”) without being overwhelming? I don’t want to contact more, we don’t talk as much as I would like, just once a week or so, sometimes more, sometimes nothing in ten days and we have a good balance about initiating but he is having a bad time about her and I don’t know what to do. Could you help me, please?

  17. Avatar

    Nina

    June 23, 2019 at 8:55 am

    He broke up 2 months ago and we continued talking everyday but just 2-3 messages a day. After a month and a week we had a conversation about our break up and he said this wasn’t a farewell yet, he said he still cared about me and didn’t want me to do stupid things and he wished me luck. We continued talking. After two more weeks he started initiating conversations, talking about sex, flirting, calling me pet names. Then one day he wanted to talk so badly and he was sending me pictures and all and after 30 minutes I said I had to go and he reacted as if he didn’t want me to leave, but I did. The next day we talked the whole day, but I mostly let him initiate the conversations. The day later he was less responsive, but I was cool with it. The day after that I was a complete mess. I did tell him I wasn’t feeling okay. And he was nice to me, BUT I KNOW HE HATED WHEN I WAS DESPERATE. The day after we had a conversation about some stupid stuff we never agreed on and I commented smth about our relationship on which he didn’t react positively but we didn’t fight or anything. That same day, hours later he texted me smth about my instagram post and few messages in he left me on read for the first time ever. Since we were talking every day for the last year and a half, I was triggered by it. So I texted him later next day looking for answers. He was kinda rude and all. And then I said ”Okay if I deserve this kind of an end to talking” on which he said ”its not the end its just less talking” and I didn’t respond. Two minutes later he said ”hmm ok” on which I didn’t respond again. It’s been 6 days since then without talking. Did I do it wrongly? What should I do now?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 23, 2019 at 3:06 pm

      Hi Nina..it sounds like you should take a deeper dive into my Program – EBR Pro Bundle to get up to speed on how to implement no contact and do all the other things to better your chances.

  18. Avatar

    Shelley

    June 22, 2019 at 10:35 pm

    This has been one rollercoaster of a breakup. I was dating a coworker for about 6 months. He left me for another girl. He blocked me on all forms of social media and wouldn’t even look at me at the office. After about 3 months he started to warm up to me and be friendly at the office. I had implemented no contact (not that I had much of a choice) and worked on myself. I started working out every day and got involved in the community. After about 6 months he started flirting with me via work im and bringing up old times together. He unblocked me from Facebook though did not add me as a friend. The im’s continued for another month and then I was unblocked from Instagram but did not follow me. It didn’t take long before he was messaging me on Instagram. I did not respond. He sent me an im at work asking why I didn’t respond and I told him I didn’t feel comfortable being friends outside of the office while he was still in a relationship with that other girl. He said he understood and apologized for what happened. We continued our friendship at work. He sent me another dm on Insta about a month later saying he saw me at a stoplight and I did not wave at him. After I told him not to message me on there again. Our work im’s got progressively more flirty through the months. He even called my work phone and told me he missed the sound of my voice. The messages eventually moved back to Instagram because they got too graphic in nature for the office. He then stopped it saying he had a girlfriend and this wasn’t right. I told him that I had assumed it was over between them by the way he had been acting towards me. The work ims slowed down after that and were strictly work related. That’s when he started viewing all of my Instagram stories. He does not follow me. He has to search for me to watch them. We then both joined our work softball team. We did not speak at softball. After the game that night he actually texted me. No more dm’s. My number had been unblocked. He just wanted to tell me I played well. I said thank you and he kept trying to keep the convo going. I told him I would speak to him at work. Two weeks later he texted me one night to apologize for being snarky in a work related request he had sent to me. We have not texted or im’d Since but he is still viewing every single one of my Instagram stories. This was about a month ago. It has now been a year and a half since things have ended and I am so confused by what is going through his head. Why does he still look at my Instagram? Why does he want a friendship with me? Why is he still with that other girl? What else can I do?

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    Ceara

    June 22, 2019 at 12:41 am

    Hi, Chris. I really enjoy your articles. I’m in a situation where a guy broke up with me last year (end of June 2018, actually, so almost to the day). It was fairly amicable but I definitely did not want to break up with him and was really heartbroken about the relationship ending. I did NC for three months, saw him again, he was warm (gave me a hug) but then immediately formal, unemotional with me. To be fair, he was at work (he works at a wine store) so I get that he was at work and didn’t want to get into anything there. But that behavior just made me not want to see him for a loooong time. Cut to a month ago (so just to keep score, we’re talking 8 months of NC since our last face to face), I go into the store, he’s very warm and friendly, gives me a hug. He helps me carry my purchases to my car, asks me how I’m doing, what projects I’m working on. He says, “you should hang out sometime” (meaning come to a wine tasting). I told him I haven’t been to a tasting because I haven’t heard from him so I didn’t think he wanted to see me. BTW he’s NEVER reached out to me so I take that to mean he doesn’t miss me or want me back). Also, honestly, I’m not going to a wine tasting to watch my ex-boyfriend work and have him be distracted and ignore me. THEN…he asked if I’d like to get coffee sometime. I said, sure, that would be great, and I really mean that. I would be nice to have a coffee with him, but…my question is, WHY does he want to get coffee after all this time when he has made no effort to contact me since he dumped me? Also, is it even worth it to be the Ungettable Girl at our coffee? I don’t know what he wants from me. Thanks.

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    Aly

    June 16, 2019 at 3:49 am

    Chris,
    my ex and I of 1 month have been broken up for about a week. In the first couple of days, I slipped up and sent a dreaded, “I wish we could start over, bc I miss you” text. since then, he has texted me about how he LOVED ME, cares about meand ” hates that he doesn’t see me”, that “im amazing/a gem”, but kept apologizing and saying it was dumb,”he shouldn’t have said anything.” I was still angry about the breakup so I responded with “i loved you too, but you hurt me in these ways, (lists ways) and said that “I’m not willing to give him the chance to hurt me again”. he responded with, “i’ll stop, i’m sorry, move on from me if that’s what you need” I feel like I have given him the message that I am not interested in getting back together by saying this, even though I want him back so badly! Did I ruin my chances? please give advice! <3

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