In this post I’m going to show you four of the most effective ways to make your Ex realize exactly what he lost.

In fact, these are the exact techniques that many of my personal coaching clients have used to get their Exes back.

Here’s a quick list.

  1. Implement A No Contact Rule
  2. Utilize The Zeigarnik Effect
  3. The Ideal Road Not Taken Study
  4. My Commitment Theory

Let’s get down to business.

Tip #1: Implement A No Contact Rule

Ah, good ole faithful.

It seems now-a-days everywhere you turn everyone is recommending the No Contact Rule after a Breakup.

Well, I’m no different than anyone else in that regard unfortunately.

Where I am different though is that I just don’t blindly recommend it to people because “it’s the cool new thing.”

I’ve seen it work for hundreds of situations if it’s performed correctly.

If you didn’t already know;

The No Contact Rule: Is a set time period where you ignore your Ex no matter what. Well, except for these alterations.

In other words, if your Ex reaches out to you it is your prerogative to ignore him.

The thinking here is that if you do that it will accomplish two things.

  1. Make your Ex miss you
  2. Give you time to reset after your Breakup

Most people focus on the “making the Ex miss you” part and completely forget about the personal reset part and it’s been my experience that, that is the true value of the No Contact Rule.

People who tend to focus more on themselves as opposed to their Ex tend to be more successful.

Of course, that’s not the “sexy” thing to talk about. So, let me give you the stats.

Of my clients who have successfully won their Ex back, 98% have utilized a No Contact Rule in some way, shape or form.

Of the people who have purchased my best selling book , 90% have utilized some form of No Contact.

Finally, of the people visiting this website that got their Exes back, 72% have admitted to using a No Contact Rule.

To say that the No Contact Rule is an important tactic for making your Ex realize what he lost would be a vast understatement.

Tip #2: Utilize The Zeigarnik Effect

What if I were to tell you that someone may have discovered the secret to making someone “miss you” over 92 years ago.

Sounds too good to be true, huh?

Well, in 1927 a Lithuanian psychologist named Bluma Zeigarnik made a pretty amazing discovery about interruption memory.

While studying at the University of Berlin Zeigarnik took note when one of her professors made the off hand comment that servers at a local restaurant seemed to remember unpaid tabs better than paid ones.

This seemed to imply that people remember uncompleted tasks better than completed ones.

SOURCE LINK

I remember pretty well when I heard about this concept. It was kind of like a light bulb went off in my head and I started brainstorming all the applications it could have in the dating scene.

It can inform many of the strategic decisions you make regarding;

  • Texting
  • FaceTime
  • Skype
  • Phone Calls
  • Dating

Here’s the gist of how I incorporate it into the Ex Recovery strategies.

Each one of the mediums above is nothing more than a way to have a conversation with someone else.

The Zeigarnik Effect is another way of structuring your conversations in each of these mediums.

The biggest mistake that I see most people make when having a conversation with their Ex is that the conversation isn’t memorable.

It’s very easy for an Ex to “just be nice” and have a conversation with you and then move on with their day.

Most of the clients that I work with want to be remembered. They want their Exes to obsess about them after interacting and the only effective way that I’ve seen work is by structuring your conversation so that it is incomplete.

Sounds weird, right?

Think of it like this.

Imagine that the quality of your conversation with your Ex could be charted into a graph.

The highs of the graph represent satisfaction and the lows represent dissatisfaction.

What tends to happen if you let a conversation with your linger for too long?

It grows stale.

What happens if a conversation doesn’t last very long?

It never gets the chance to become satisfying.

You have two goals when trying to structure your conversations with the Zeigarnik effect.

1. Find a way to make the conversation satisfying by getting your Ex to engage.
2. End the conversation right before it’s most engaging point.

I often call refer to this as “ending the conversation at the high point.”

In graph format it looks something like this.

Now, you probably have a lot of follow up questions regarding this advanced method but I’m going to refer you to my book to answer those because I think I’ve already spent too much time talking about this.

Let’s move on.

Tip #3: The Ideal “Road Not Taken” Study

Making your Ex realize what he lost is really about regret more than anything else.

The thinking here is that if you can make your Ex regret his decision to break up with you.

If you can make him think of a potential future with you that he missed out on he is going to take positive action in making that future a reality.

Last year three Cornell psychologists surveyed hundreds of individuals and learned some interesting things about the way human beings deal with regret.

They identified three elements that make up a person’s sense of “self.”

  1. The Actual Self – Consists of qualities that you personally believe that you have
  2. The Ideal Self – Consists of qualities that you want to have
  3. The Ought Self – Is the person you feel that you ought to have been

So, the three Cornell psychologists started asking participants in the survey about their biggest regrets in life and 76 percent of people gave a single answer.

They feel as if they hadn’t fulfilled their ideal self.

I find this study fascinating because really what it highlights is how people feel regret about things that they want to have but haven’t achieved yet.

Many let their ambitions or dreams fall by the wayside because they are scared to take a chance or simply don’t have time.

This perfectly encapsulates your current predicament.

You and your Ex are broken up.

You want him to regret his decision but you think he doesn’t.

Turns out the key to making him regret it is to do something to show him something you know he wants but can’t have.

Maybe when you were together he mentioned that he’d really love to go to New York City as he has never been.

Well, maybe after the Breakup you road trip with a bunch of your friends to the big apple and document the experience on social media for the world to see.

You will be actively showing your Ex what he is missing out on by hitting on his “ideal self.”

The other big thing I took from the study was the importance of time. If you want to make him realize what he lost it’s not going to happen overnight.

When people talked about their biggest regrets I got the sense that those regrets didn’t happen yesterday, they happened over many years.

It’s the deathbed argument.

People experience great regret on their deathbed because they are confronted with the truth that they are out of time to experience and the things they missed out on.

In many cases it is very possible to create the regret you so desperately want your Ex to feel.

But it’s maybe not possible right this second.

It will take time.

The only thing you can really do is ratchet up the tension by making your Ex feel he is out of time to have these special experience with you.

And you typically do that by having these experience with someone else.

Tip #4: My Personal Commitment Theory

There is more than one way to skin a cat.

Perhaps that statement has never been more true than in this circumstance.

Tip #3 was all about combining time with regret. Showing an ex the experiences they are missing out on with you.

This tip works actively against that as it takes a more direct approach to making an Ex realize what they lost.

I have a theory behind commitment.

More importantly, what makes people want to commit to each other in relationships and how to make them actually do it.

There are six main factors to keep in mind here.

  1. Satisfaction
  2. Alternatives
  3. Investment
  4. Scarcity
  5. Urgency
  6. Fear of Loss

My theory has always been that if you can stoke the fire in each of these factors you will have success in gaining commitments from anyone.

Let’s take a minute and dissect what I mean by each of these things.

1. Satisfaction

This simply refers to how satisfied your partner is regarding their experience with you.

Now, experience is a broad term so let me distill it down a bit more for you.

When I refer to experience I’m really talking about things like your interactions, conversations and memory.

If your Ex is enjoying himself in your company more often than not then that means he is probably satisfied with you.

2. Alternatives

In a word, this is nothing more than the grass is greener syndrome.

Can your Ex find someone better than you?

If the answer to that question is yes then they might not stick around very long.

Though ironically sometimes they can’t answer this question unless they date someone else so they can compare the experience of dating you to the other person.

I can’t tell you how often I’ll hear from people who move on to someone new only to regret their decision and want to go back.

3. Investment

Most people think of investment in monetary terms but there is also another commodity to keep track of and that is time.

How much time and emotional energy has your Ex invested into your relationship.

The more, the better.

4. Scarcity

This also kind of ties into the alternatives side of things. If your Ex is thinking you are one of a kind it’s a very good thing.

Throughout our history what is one of the most effective sales promotions.

ONLY 12 LEFT!

By showing that there isn’t much of a particular thing available it inherently raises the value of that thing.

5. Urgency

There needs to be an urgent reason that your Ex will commit to you.

Without that reason you typically wont see success in getting commitments.

Urgency creates tension and that tension is good because it makes us want it to end.

6. Fear of Loss

And here is where we really get down to brass tacks.

Fear of loss is the dark twin of alternatives. Where your Ex thinks about if he can do better than you with alternatives here is where he becomes terrified of losing you.

Usually fear of loss is accompanied by someone else showing interest in you and your Ex growing jealous of that fact.

Putting It All Together

So, now that you understand these six factors behind commitment what are you supposed to do with it?

Well, honestly you try to create as much of it as possible with your Ex.

Weave the ideas into the very fabric of your strategy and you should start to see some success with making him realize what he lost in you.

10 thoughts on “How To Make Him Realize What He Lost”

  1. Avatar

    Aly

    June 16, 2019 at 3:49 am

    Chris,
    my ex and I of 1 month have been broken up for about a week. In the first couple of days, I slipped up and sent a dreaded, “I wish we could start over, bc I miss you” text. since then, he has texted me about how he LOVED ME, cares about meand ” hates that he doesn’t see me”, that “im amazing/a gem”, but kept apologizing and saying it was dumb,”he shouldn’t have said anything.” I was still angry about the breakup so I responded with “i loved you too, but you hurt me in these ways, (lists ways) and said that “I’m not willing to give him the chance to hurt me again”. he responded with, “i’ll stop, i’m sorry, move on from me if that’s what you need” I feel like I have given him the message that I am not interested in getting back together by saying this, even though I want him back so badly! Did I ruin my chances? please give advice! <3

  2. Avatar

    Helen

    June 15, 2019 at 7:30 pm

    Hi Chris,

    My ex and I broke up 3 weeks ago. He cheated on me, then begged me to stay with him, then said he loved me but that the relationship was too much work. We fought a lot during the past few months, and he has a tendency to cut off his emotions when he is angry for periods at a time. I have been no contact since we broke up, except I was still in touch with his family up until a week ago. I found out he told them I would come begging for him back within 2 weeks, and that he could do anything and I would still come begging for him back. We work together so I have seen him a few times, I remain unbothered, he looks mad when he sees me. I’ve been working on myself, meditating, I joined a ballet and salsa class, taking yoga classes in the park, enjoying my life. At this point, I am wondering if I should do 45 days no contact, or if I should just stick with no contact indefinitely until he reaches out to me? Thanks for any advice!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 15, 2019 at 10:47 pm

      HI Helen…usually its best to put a expiration date on your NC period. My Program teaches you how to initiate contact when the NC period is over. But it is much more than that as there are a lot of moving parts to an effective ex recovery strategy.

  3. Avatar

    Nazaret Vallejo

    June 15, 2019 at 3:35 pm

    Just a quick question I haven’t seen ANYWHERE at all. Will no contact work if she’s in a group chat where I am? I don’t want to leave it because I have great friends in there, though sometimes she shows up and when she does I say I have to go.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 15, 2019 at 10:48 pm

      Hi Nazaret….so I think you can effectively implement NC under those circumstances. Check out my Program for details.

  4. Avatar

    Kitty

    June 15, 2019 at 11:30 am

    Tara – I feel your pain. I had my long-term bf tell me he ‘wasn’t on Bumble’ until I showed him the screenshot. Then that he ‘was only on there to check if you were’ – I didn’t even know what it was. I broke up with him – I felt I had no choice as he’d done it once before. We weren’t getting on well. I felt we needed space and I had to work on getting back to my happy self. Now there’s another woman and I feel sick, anxious etc. all the time.

    Don’t worry about the rebound girl – this is typical behaviour. He thinks he can do better. He’s already regretting that, as he can’t stop contacting you. Don’t give in. Give him time to miss you. Work on yourself. Take time to process what he’s done with these bloody dating websites, and see if you can see why, and maybe forgive him – or maybe not, and no-one would blame you.

    This article is awesome advice.

  5. Avatar

    Tara

    June 12, 2019 at 2:55 am

    My discovered my long distance boyfriend had a profile on Match. I confronted him and he deleted it. Saying it was old and a joke. I didn’t believe him. But I drew a solid boundary. I said it goes, or I go. The following month we met as we were trying to move forward. Well, while in bed and looking at his phone, a Bumble notification appears on his screen. I have never been on a dating app so have no clue how this works. He tells me that it is for networking. Even though it says dating. We fought all weekend over it. It ruined our time together. He of course denied it all. When I got home, I set myself up an account and found his profile that read looking for a long term relationship. I again confronted him and sent pics. His reply was it doesn’t say a romantic long term relationship. So the shock of it all kept me around for another few weeks. I was trying to navigate it all in my mind. 4 yrs combined friendship and relationship all ending. Shortly after this he started dating someone. And it became sexual quite quickly. I know this because all his patterns changed. 2.5 weeks ago I called at 8pm which was the time we ALWAYS spoke and he didn’t answer AGAIN. I knew what was going on. This time I left messges questioning what was going on. The next morning I got a reply that said….nothing specific. As close as we are, I no longer feel as connected to you as in the past. I didn’t reply. I was fuming and insulted. 2 hrs later he texted saying, “i’m just being honest”. Something in me shifted. I felt done. I didn’t reply and went into instant NC. I still don’t understand why all the lies and denying. I chose to keep the drama out and for once not react. I feel better. I was sick with anxiety knowing he was with someone else and playing me for a fool. At first he sent a couple of texts. Basically saying its too bad I decided to stop speaking to him. Then he texted saying I miss interrupted his words as a full rejection unless I stopped talking to him for other reasons. Then it was quiet till yesterday. He texted asking me to please consider calling him. That he needs answers to get closure. And today he called but left no message. I am so confused but holding NC. It seems like all his texts are just about him. There is no I miss you. Zero I’m sorry. And there won’t be I guess because it seems he seems clueless to the fact I know about his girlfriend. Why does he care if he has moved on? I feel so lost. Don’t know how to handle all this. This sucks.

  6. Avatar

    Maria

    June 11, 2019 at 7:25 am

    Hi Chris,

    I broke up with my ex boyfriend 9 months ago and been having trouble moving on after being together for a year. When my ex and I first met he was still getting over a previous breakup I found that out later in the relationship after I caught feelings. He would show me he cared about me by doing sweet things like making me breakfast, taking me out on my birthday doing boyfriend usual stuff. But right after our 1 year anniversary he said he was not ready to say I love you yet and told me that he has love for me but is not in love with me whatever that means? After going through so much with him (we were on and off again for the first 4 month) I decided to end it because I felt after being together for a year and going through so much with him it was too much of a blow. Why do some men take a while to say I love you when they have shown it before with actions? Did I read his actions wrong as him just being a nice guy?

  7. Avatar

    Aditi

    June 9, 2019 at 10:14 pm

    Hey Chris,
    Its been six months since i had break up.I decided to move on because my ex is distracted boyfriend.and i think we are not compatible for each other (because of religion,age, society, his behaviour) but i silently still cry alot to want him back. I really miss him badly.My ex was my teacher (immoral relationship) ;'( .He left the college.Now my exam results are out.I want to talk to him about my career.Can i call and talk to him or is it bad idea? Because he was the one who made me interested in studies and now i don’t feel any interest in studies i really miss him badly.i just don’t know what to do.i am unable date anyone because everytime he is in my mind.it feels like i am doing wrong even if i try to start new relationship. It seems i lost trust in love.because he left without letting me know he is leaving me and college for further studies. :'( how can i trust anybody now after being betrayed many times in my all relationships.
    Hey Chris please help me… My mind is not working at all.i always keep smiling to show i am happy. i had done no contact and workout and had been with friends,family,relatives, pet, travelled many places . but i am unable to take him out of my mind.my academic scores are going down because i keep missing him.
    Kindly reply soon Chris.i need your help .

  8. Avatar

    Jen

    June 9, 2019 at 5:41 am

    My boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago due to us both going through some different stuff regarding mental health. While i know that we both have things to work on and things that could’ve been better in the relationship, i truly love him and want him back. I know there’s major things i need to work on regarding myself and i want to do that. But i also want him back as soon as possible since he’s moving states for his career in 2 months. After staying in some contact the first weeks, This last week i had been doing no contact but he texted me yesterday checking in, and i gave in and replied. We said we’d stay best friends so doing no contact for the 3 weeks is hard when i know to be friends we need contact. I know that it’s said that after breaking NC you should start from scratch but that’s a long time to ignore him if he checks in again. I’m worrried that’ll make me lose him as a friend and potentially getting him back completely.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.