I had this friend once. It had been weeks since her breakup.
She was starting to move on. She had started dating. She had even been flirting back and forth with a guy she really liked.
Then, all of a sudden, it hit her like a brick wall. Once it crept into her mind, she couldn’t seem to pull herself away from thinking about it.
What is this “it,” you ask? It was her ex boyfriend and all she could think about was “I miss my ex suddenly.” I can’t get him out of my head, she explained. “He is always there in my mind every day. What does it mean?”
Does this sound familiar to you? Are you finding yourself caught up in mixed up feelings about your ex boyfriend wondering “why am I thinking about my ex when I have someone new”.
Do you find yourself obsessing over a past love from years ago. Or maybe it wasn’t that long since you broke up. So whether it has been 1, 2 or 5 years since you went your separate ways, it can be aggravating and confusing when you can’t get your ex boyfriend out of your mind.
It can be disconcerting when you are left feeling almost paralyzed with indecision, even angry at yourself as you ask yourself, “why can’t I move on from him”.
It can be a helpless feeling when his invisible arm reaches out to you still. You dream of him. You hear his voice in your head. You might even have imaginary sightings of your ex boyfriend.
It’s like you are trapped in the past, not knowing whether it means you should go back to him or find a way to bury the memory of your ex for good.
Are You Confused With Thoughts of Your Ex Boyfriend?
If you’ve arrived here, I’m willing to bet that these kinds of thoughts sound familiar. I bet you have a lot of questions and are trying to understand why you can’t let go of him and stop thinking of him so much.
You are just looking for some peace, right? It would be nice to have some answers as to why these fleeting thoughts of about your ex keep returning. You are probably tired struggling to make sense of it.
I know. It can be so crazy to feel this way, particularly if you have a new boyfriend. It’s like even this new guy in your life almost doesn’t have a chance with you because you are constantly comparing everything he does with the memory of what your ex boyfriend might say or do.
And if he doesn’t measure up in some areas, it just makes things worse as your anxiety levels increase.
10 Reasons Why You Can’t Get Your Ex Boyfriend Out Of Your Mind
So why does the memory of your ex boyfriend suddenly just pop into your head? What is it about him that makes you still miss his presence his voice, his face, his everything.
It’s like all the stuff that was bad about your ex has been forgotten. But all the good and pleasant memories of being with him and loving him and feeling loved by him are trying to break through to the front of your mind.
So why can’t you shake him from your life?
These random thoughts of your ex that find their way into your daily life can be disconcerting. You are not sure what it means or what to do.
So let’s talk about the 10 reasons why you are still thinking about your ex bf practically everyday.
1. It’s Natural To Miss Your Ex
Naturally, after a breakup, you are going to miss your ex boyfriend. You just are. You see, our minds are designed to make us miss our ex boyfriends.
It sucks, right? However it comes about, a breakup creates a loss and that loss of your ex is felt by you in the form of pain. Both emotional and even physical pain, like a punch to your gut.
You get use to being with someone and seeing them and feeling protected and secure and it is not easy to just stop those feelings from leaving a mark on you. After all, safety, security, and social interactions are basic needs for us all.
2. You and Your Ex Boyfriend Have a Chemical Connection
When you are dating someone, that experience triggers the production of certain hormones. After a long period of time, your mind gets used to functioning with these higher-than-normal levels of hormones. It feels good to get that shot of naturally released dopamine because it feels good. This is why you and your boyfriend are attracted to each other. Your body chemistry is influenced by the other’s mere presence
If this isn’t making sense to you, think about it this way; think about it as an addiction. The excess hormones are the drug in this case. After a period of time functioning with these higher-than-normal levels of hormones, you become addicted to them.
I swear I’m not making this up! Scientists have actually studied this. Scientists have found that relationships function almost exactly like an addiction. There have been experiments done using fMRIs that show that feelings of love engage the same areas of the brain that are engaged when addicts are using whatever they are addicted to.
Following a breakup, you will stop producing these hormones at a higher-than-normal rate and will essentially go through withdrawal as you have to re-learn to function without these hormones at excess levels. While going through this withdrawal, you are going to crave those hormones and whatever brought them on. In this case, that is your ex boyfriend. This is why following a breakup you are designed to miss your ex boyfriend.
So what does this actually look like in a real-life relationship and a breakup?
Glad you asked!
When you are dating someone you form habits that revolve around this other person. Don’t believe me?
Well, how many times when you were dating your ex boyfriend did you:
- Think about him
- Talk about him
- Do things with him
Probably a lot.
Now let’s go back to what I mentioned above. Relationships function in your brain like an addition. But this addiction arises from habits and routines which we will talk about next.
3. It Is Not Easy To Stop Established Habits and Routines If They Made You Feel Good
Here is another piece of the puzzle about why you can stop yourself from thinking of him. A routine is something you have always done and has happened frequently enough that it has become a regular part of your day. People like their routines for lots of reasons and changing the structure of how you go about your day can be upsetting.
You are more likely to want to cling to the past and think about getting back into the groove again which takes you back to thinking of your ex boyfriend far more than you should.
All of this ties back into your chemical addiction and makes it more difficult to shake loose of the feeling that you need to be near your ex boyfriend. Such thoughts can just pop right into your head with very little warning.
Think about it this way, if my addiction is a cigarette, the first time I pick up a cigarette, I’m likely not going to become addicted. However, if I do this over and over again as a habit, then I will likely form a habit. So, addictions are formed from habits and are helped along through chemicals released in our brain.
Following a breakup, you will have to form new habits and break your addiction to him. During this time, you are going to miss him. Probably a lot and of course, it doesn’t help when you get jolted with these random thoughts of your ex.
If you’re struggling with this, then consider joining my Private Facebook Support Group and you can communicate with lots of people who are going through the same thing.
4. Reminders of Him On Facebook, Snapchat, or Instagram
When you were dating your ex boyfriend you likely checked his Facebook or Snapchat or Instagram page often, if not daily. You would follow his stories. Or you would tag him in things on Instagram or tweet at him things that you thought he would find funny.
You did this often because it quenched something inside you. It became a habit. Then, it became a soft addiction. You likely didn’t even realize it at the time.
Now, that you are broken up, you are struggling to break that addiction. You may still feel drawn to check his Facebook or Snapchat page daily or send him things when you see them.
Except you are not suppose to send him messages or look at what he has been up, right. You trying to break away.
Sound familiar! This is an example of this process and how it plays out in real life.
See, it is normal after all!
Now, I know, I know, I know.
You know that you will miss him right after a breakup. However, what if it has been awhile?
Why are these thoughts of him finding their way back into your mind.
5. You Are Suffering From a Relapse
So if it has been a while, yet suddenly he is back in your mind. Try as you might, you just can get rid of these pesky thoughts of your ex. It’s like your ex boyfriend is haunting you, yet again.
This is a pretty interesting dilemma.
Remember my friend from the top of this article? The friend that had started moving on and was feeling fine and then suddenly her ex boyfriend popped back into her head? She found herself missing him like crazy. It was almost like she had taken some sort of pill to make her crave him.
Don’t you just hate it when memories of your ex boyfriend just drop in invited. It’s like you are completely out of control of your own mind.
So, if it has been a while since the breakup what would cause this sudden rush of thoughts of your ex?
Let’s go back to the addiction analogy.
You broke up, you are working on you and then BAM, you are back to thinking about him and aching to be with him.
This is similar to an addiction relapse.
Just think about it!
You already know, based on every episode of Intervention that you have ever seen, that relapse is pretty common. Even after years of sobriety people will still crave their former vice from time to time.
Your mind begins the process of moving on and recovering from your addiction, however, from time to time your brain is also going to go back to those addiction-related thoughts and it doesn’t take much to trigger it.
So, if you find yourself weeks, months, or even years after a breakup wondering why you are suddenly missing your ex boyfriend again, this is why.
And yes, it is very normal.
6. Common Places and Experiences Can Be Triggers of Random Thoughts About Your Ex
Back in the day when he and you did everything, you accumulated a lot of experiences and with each of these come memories. They memories of being with your ex boyfriend are in a way attached to you like an appendage. They are not easy to forget.
So you can be driving down a road one day and see a church or a certain park or any place where something memorable happened with your ex and suddenly thoughts of this time with him will flash through your mind. And if this particular place is accompanied with a really happy or exciting memory, you will likely end up linger on it, savoring this time with your ex bf.
7. Random Dreams of Your Ex Can Awaken His Past Presence in Your Life
Some night you might be lying in bed just thinking random things and somehow you end up remembering an incident with your ex that brings a smile to your face. It could be something he did for you that you appreciated and something happened during the day that caused you to wistfully look back.
Or what about those times when you go to bed and during the night or the next morning you come to realize you dreamed of your ex boyfriend. Often these dreams can seem so real that you relive it to try and understand its meaning. One thought leads to the next and before you realize it, you are dwelling on this dream and it ends up stirring up all kinds of thoughts of him.
8. Comparing Your Current Boyfriend With Your Ex Boyfriend Without Even Realizing It
Another way your ex can creep back into your thoughts is if you have a new boyfriend. Even without trying, you will naturally end up comparing certain things about the differences between the two. Sometimes it will be a good experience. Maybe your ex was really rotten about listening and showing that he cared, but this new guy you are with is super sensitive about such things.
But there may be other areas where the new boyfriend comes up short and you can’t help notice the difference. Try as you might to put your ex and everything about him behind you, it is just really hard to pull off, particularly if a new man is in your life. Whether you like it or not, you will naturally use him as a measuring stick and if he comes up short in any important areas, the ghost of your ex will be there to remind you.
9. You Loved Him Much More Than You Ever Realized
This is your biggest fear isn’t it? Way in the back of your mind, you worry about whether you left the guy you should have never abandoned. Maybe at the time you acted impulsively. Maybe you thought he was asking for it. Or possibly you got false information and are now questioning if you acted too hastily.
These nagging doubts can only be buried so long and eventually they find their way from the back of the mind, right smack into your stream of consciousness. Now you have to deal with it. And if we are talking about a burning love you have for your ex that you have yet to extinguish, then you best hold on tight because you are going to be on an emotional ride.
10. Your Ex Is Actively Leaving You Bread Crumbs To Follow
Sometimes you can’t stop yourself from thinking about him because your ex boyfriend was really smart. Just maybe he found my other website (exgirlfriendrecovery.com) and initiated a plan to make sure he raised his social profile and value such that you couldn’t help but notice.
Maybe he left you little clues and subtle reminders that only you would understand via his social media pages.
Maybe he knows just when to send certain text messages to you and what to say.
Whatever it is your ex is doing, it results in him getting inside your head, tweaking those memories of him you have been suppressing.
3 Things You Can You Do When You Are Overwhelmed By Thoughts of Him?
So if you are fast losing your mind because it seems every other thought is of your ex, how do you regain control?
It certainly starts with what you want in the long run, doesn’t it!
If you want to reunite with him, then your plan will be somewhat different than if you want to shut him out of your mind and life forever.
1. Stay True To The No Contact Rule
For starters, it is wise to remain in your no contact period. Don’t just give in because thoughts of your ex are flooding your mind.
Just in case you don’t know, a No Contact period is a period of time ranging from 21 to 45 days where you do not contact and do not respond to any contact from your ex boyfriend.
The length of your No Contact period is partially based on how bad your breakup was, including your own actions that may have followed it like begging, crying, fighting, or showing up at his house.
Bad breakups may require longer periods of no communication and contact.
You catch my drift!
If your breakup was fairly agreeable, you are going to probably want to do a 21 day No Contact period. If you think you’re somewhere in the middle, you’re going to do a 30 day No Contact period.
If your breakup was bad, like WWE Smackdown bad, you may want to go longer such as a 45 day No Contact period.
2. Embrace The Ungettable Girl That’s Inside You
An Ungettable Girl is a high-quality girl that has a great personality and a way about her that makes all guys stare and wonder if they will ever have a shot at her. Such a woman is not brought to her knees with thoughts of her ex boyfriend. She makes him think of her.
She is a rare type of girl and not all women will achieve “UG” status. Nobody really can because she is not a real person, but an aspiration.
To get your head straight, you are going to have to find the Ungettable Girl that is inside you. This is something you do for yourself, not for him. It is a continous journey to be the best that you can be. It is a focus to be independent and to improve your confidence and self esteem.
When an Ungettable Girl is awakened by thoughts of her ex, she says, “that is was a nice thought, but now I have other things to reflect on”.
3. Focus on The Life Areas I Call The “Holy Trinity”
If you want some emotional balance in your life and rid yourself of these persistent thoughts of your ex boyfriend than will need to widen and improve your scope of experience.
Remember, if he is in your head far too much, it is probably because you have not expanded your footprint in life. I want you to think about improving your stake in life in three main areas.
- Health: We are talking emotional, physical, and psychological health which means you need to get involved in taking active measures to heal and get better and make this a priority in your life.
- Wealth: This is about improving your lot in life. Get the promotion if that is what you want. Start a new business. Gain more financial security.
- Relationships: This is about pulling in close your social support system of friends and family and it also involves expanding your base of people your interact with.
You can learn so much more about the Holy Trinity by picking up one of my ebooks
(Note: This post was re-written by the website owner and Relationship Coach expert, Chris Seiter on June 18, 2018)