Welcome to the latest episode of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.

I have quite the episode planned for you.

So, rather than bore you with the usual pleasantries lets just get right to it.

Today we hear from a woman named Shannon.

Shannon has a bit of a situation,

  • Her ex and her broke up 3 weeks ago.
  • It appears as if her ex wanted to remain friends with her
  • She has done the right thing as far as doing NC
  • During the NC period so far she has lost 5lbs and gotten a new sexy haircut
  • Wonders how she can move from attention to attraction

That last point is really where most of the focus of this episode is going to, well, focus on.

You see, what I did for Shannon is I looked at my own personal experience of how I fell in love with my wife and I hopped on the interwebs 😉 and looked up the science behind making someone fall in love with you. What I found was fascinating and it just so happens that it is what I talk about exclusively in this episode.

First though, lets do a quick rundown of what is covered in this episode.

What Is Covered In This Episode

  • The evolutionary need of attraction
  • The idea that you need to have the right hormones on your side when getting a man to fall in love with you
  • The three stages of love (covered below)
  • A funny story about sleep and when I was falling in love with my wife
  • A caveman named rick evolving into a modern day man
  • How to use the three stages of love to your advantage when it comes to your ex
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IMPORTANT Links Mentioned In This Episode

The Three Stages Of Love

stages of love

STAGE 1: Lust

This stage is where sexual fantasies are most common and sex hormones are released within men and women.

Men = Testosterone

Women = Estrogen

STAGE 2: Attraction

This is the stage that is commonly associated with “falling in love.” The two people who fall in love become obsessed with each other and dopamine is released.

Dopamine- is commonly associated with people who cannot sleep. I tell a funny story about myself (and my wife) regarding the release of dopamine.

Also, adrenaline is released in this stage and is commonly associated with the felling of “falling in love.”

STAGE 3: Attachment

Calm..

Union..

Security…

Comfort….

Bonding…..

These are all qualities that are associated with this stage of love.

It’s funny, I often think that this stage of love was developed for childcare. As a way of ensuring that parents stayed together and prepared their children for the world.

Oxytocin and Vassopressin are commonly associated with this stage of love.

Oh, and in case you don’t know what oxytocin is it is commonly referred to as the cuddle hormone. You know, the hormone that makes you want to cuddle after sex.

Yup, that is in this stage of love.

Podcast Transcript

Welcome to Episode 36 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. It’s been a little bit since I’ve done one of these episodes but I’m really excited for today’s episode. I’m going to be talking about something that really interests me.

First, let me give you a few quick updates of what’s going on with Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, me, my life and other things in general. As many of you know, I’ve been talking a lot about this coaching idea that my wife and I have been throwing around. It looks like it’s definitely a go. I’m working on it actively, as we speak.

I’ve already created a file of how I think things are going to go. I really want people who have purchased this program to get the most out of it. I really want them to get their exes back, if they want. If they don’t want to get their exes back and they need help moving on then we can focus on that. I’ve been doing a lot of research on how to properly coach people.

I’ve come up with an interesting method on how to do it. I think it will get great results. I’m really pumped to get this thing in the pipeline and get going on it. I’m going to be releasing a beta test first because it’s the first time that I’ve ever done any kind of coaching like this. I’m going to be releasing a beta test first. I’m only going to be coaching 10 people at first.

When the coaching is up and running, it will be a monthly thing. Every month, I will get paid to coach. Just for this beta coaching, it’s going to be a one-time payment for one month of my time to coach. I’m doing this for a number of reasons. Number one, I want to see how much time it takes out of my day. I think I can handle 10 people. Number two, eventually my wife and I will be tag-teaming this coaching thing. I’m giving her an idea of how it’s all going to work out.

I’m going to be creating a special email list. The only way that you can get into the beta coaching is to get onto this email list. I haven’t created the email list yet. I will be giving you information on how it’s all going to work in a later podcast, and on Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. Make sure you keep going to the home page of Ex-Boyfriend Recovery.

Hopefully, within the next one or two weeks, I can get this list out. Whoever is on this list, I’m going to make it clear that you have to be interested in the coaching. Again, this is going to be a very limited thing. At first, there are only going to be 10 spots. Then we’re probably going to up it to 15 or 20. Ultimately, we’d like to serve 30 people. That leaves 15 for me and 15 for my wife where we can collaborate together to give people the man’s perspective as well as the woman’s perspective.

I know that I’m the creator of Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. Don’t let that fool you. My wife is probably smarter than me when it comes to relationships. In fact, there are a lot of times when I’m stuck as I’m writing something. I turn to her. I say, “Can you help me? I don’t know what to say.” The last time I did this, I was writing an article about what to do if your ex thinks you cheated on him but you really didn’t.

I was stumped on one particular item. I turned to her. She served an amazing insight to me. I thought, “Oh my God. Why didn’t I think of that?” I think, together at a team, we can work really well to help people get their exes back. The only way you can get access to the special beta test of the coaching is to sign up for the email list. The email list hasn’t been created yet. Stay tuned on Ex-Boyfriend Recovery or on the podcast where I’ll be talking about that.

Let’s get to today’s question. We’re going to hear from Shannon. This is going to be a very unique episode. I’m going to talk a lot about evolution. I’m going to talk a lot about psychology. I’m going to talk a lot about attraction and love, and the behind-the-scenes science of it. I’m really pumped to get this episode going.

Let’s hear from Shannon:

“Hi, Chris. You can call me Shannon. I am in a situation where my boyfriend broke up with me about three weeks ago. He said that he just didn’t feel for me the way that he should and didn’t care for me the way I deserved to be cared about. He regretted breaking up with me and that his issues caused him to break up with me. He hurt a good woman.

He wanted to remain friends because he genuinely likes me. I have all the traits that he wants in a girl. There was a lot of talk and a lot of lines. I broke off any type of contact with him. I went off Facebook for about a week and a half and was unreachable. He had no way of knowing what was going on with me. I came back on to Facebook.

I lost five or six pounds in this short amount of time. I’ve been hitting the gym. I cut my hair off. I have a totally different look. Everybody who has seen the new look says there is just something amazing about me in the pictures. I know that it’s going well.

He started liking everything that I was posting on Facebook, even things that were posted hours before he hit like. I know he’s on my page. My question is, how do you move from attention to attraction? Is this something that can only be done after the no contact when you’re speaking to them again? Is there a way to make sure that you’re not rushing it and that you’re getting the right timing to make it happen? Thank you very much.”

Thanks for your question, Shannon. I really appreciate it. I want to take a moment to commend you and tell you how proud I am of you for sticking to the game plans that I teach on the website and in Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. I’ll provide a link to that in the show notes of this episode.

When a lot of women read the advice that I give and the thoughts that I have on a certain situation, it goes in one ear and out the other. But it doesn’t seem like that’s happened to you. You seem to have taken my advice to heart. You’ve done what it hardest for women to do—implement it. Understanding the advice is one thing. But understanding it and implementing it is an entirely different thing.

In my experience, most of the women who come to the website and are drawn into Ex-Boyfriend Recovery have no problem understanding the facts, how things work and what you’re supposed to do. When it comes down to actually implementing it, that’s when they have the trouble. First I’d like to commend you for implementing what you have. It’s amazing. You’ve lost five pounds and gotten a sexy haircut. It seems like you’ve really taken my advice to hear and implemented it. I’m really happy to hear that.

Let’s do a quick recap of Shannon’s situation. It seems like she broke up with her ex three weeks ago. I don’t know exactly when she submitted this. It may be a little bit later right now. It seems like her ex-boyfriend wanted to remain friends. I’m a little split on this.

I think half the men out there want to remain friends and half the men are probably like me and don’t want to remain friends with their ex. I’m not sure that anything abnormal is happening there. It seems like Shannon did do no contact. She got off Facebook for a while, which I don’t recommend.

I think Facebook is a valuable tool during the no contact rule, as long as you don’t have direct contact with your ex. You don’t want to be responding to his comments or inbox messages. Studies have shown that 90% of exes look at their ex’s profiles on Facebook or other social media. There is a highly likely chance that your ex will eventually look at your Facebook profile. That’s why I think it’s really important to have your Facebook profile ex-proofed.

You want it to look the way you want your ex to perceive you, which is a powerful thing. I talk a lot about that in the Facebook episode. I’m going to link to the Facebook podcast episode in the show notes of this episode. Make sure you read the show notes if you want to hear the podcast that talks about how to deal with social media, and how to make your Facebook profile look the way you want it to look for your ex.

Shannon took my advice to heart. She started hitting the gym. She lost five pounds. She decided that she wanted to look sexier, so she felt the need to get a haircut. I think that’s fantastic. Her big question is, how do you move from attention to attraction? It seems like Shannon has had no problem gaining her ex’s attention. Now she’s wondering how she can move from gaining his attention to him actively chasing her or falling in love with her again.

There is a lot to talk about here. We’ll start by talking about attraction. When you look at the history of attraction, there is an evolutionary need involved with attraction. That evolutionary need is that we have to try to attract the strongest mates we possibly can. You wouldn’t think that for a man.

You would think it for a woman, because a woman wants to attract the strongest mate to her. It also does apply to a man. Here is my example. Let’s go back to caveman times. This is going to be a weird example. You have a strong caveman. We’ll call him Rick. Rick is sitting around. It’s time for him to do his part for the species and find a woman to mate with.

He starts looking for a woman. He has three prospects for women. He has a really strong-looking woman, an average-looking woman and a woman who is not so pretty. The strong-looking woman has a strong build. She’s healthy. The average person has an average build and she’s unhealthy. Not below average, or ugly, woman has a limp. She can’t talk very well.

At this time, as a human species, we’re not as sophisticated. Which option do you think that Rick is going to pick? My money is on the strong, healthy, pretty woman. That’s because weaker mates are weak and may lead to the extinction of the human race. It’s sort of like natural selection. The strong survive. The weak perish. That’s the way it is. It’s not so much that when anymore when it comes to humans. When you look at other species, it’s that way. It’s survival of the fittest. Hardwired into every man’s brain is this evolutionary need to find the strongest mate.

Shannon, I think it’s fantastic that you are taking an active step to try and improve your looks. Right now, that’s what men associate with a strong woman. I know that’s weird but that’s the way our society has turned. Back in the caveman days, health and strength in the women were looked at as the top qualities. I’m not a scientist or paleontologist. My guess is that, back in the day, strong, healthy women were considered strong mates.

Nowadays, it’s not like that. I’m going to give you an example. As a man, the strongest type of woman that I can think of is a bodybuilder. A female bodybuilder is a woman who has huge muscles. To me, that’s strong. To me, that’s healthy. I don’t think that steroids are healthy. Let’s assume that there is a natural woman bodybuilder out there.

I don’t find a bodybuilder woman attractive at all. I would definitely not mate with a bodybuilder woman. I’m more attracted to beautiful women. That’s what our society, and men, have turned to. That’s what we see as a strong mate. I have no problem saying that my wife is a beautiful woman. I’m attracted to her, partly because of her beauty. The other parts are her personality and the way she is. The way men are, we perceive strong mates as attractive.

I think it’s a smart move for you, Shannon, to try to become as attractive as you possibly can. A lot of this relies on genetics and the way your face is structured. The parts that are in your control, you’re doing the right thing. Again, I want to commend you on that.

You’re asking a specific question. How do you move from attention to attraction? In addition to looking good, there are other things that you can do to push attraction in your favor. Now I’d like to go through these things. You need to have the hormones on your side. A lot of people who fall in love have something fascinating going on in their brains.

Scientists have found that there are three levels of love. I used the evolutionary thing to explain why you probably needed to be good looking. But the good-looking part is only 50% of the equation. This is the other 50% of the equation. Now I’m going to talk about these three stages of love, these hormonal things that go on in a person’s brain that makes them fall in love. Scientists have determined that there are three big stages to love. At the end of this, we’re going to figure out how to work each of these in your favor when it comes to your ex.

The first stage is lust. Lust occurs when there are sexual fantasies. There are sex hormones. Women have estrogen. Men have testosterone. Since we are dealing with men and ex-boyfriends here, we’re looking at testosterone. Stage one is called lust. Let’s move Rick up a few centuries. We’ll pretend he’s modern day Rick.

The caveman Rick has turned into modern day Rick. Let’s pretend that Rick is sitting at a bar. He looks over and he sees a really beautiful woman. He starts to have sexual fantasies about her. His sex hormones start going off in his head. He thinks, “Wow, that woman is beautiful.” He has just entered the first stage of love. That’s when sexual fantasies and sex hormones happen. The testosterone is through the roof. That’s the first stage of love.

Let’s move on to the second stage of love. We’ll stay with the Rick example. Let me first explain the second stage. This is attraction. That’s when the person becomes obsessed with the other person. That’s when people “fall in love” and dopamine is released. Dopamine is interesting.

I’m going to tell you a personal story. When dopamine is released in the brain, you find it hard to sleep. I love my wife very much. When I first met my wife and we first started talking, we talked until about 4:00 AM in the morning. This occurred for six or seven days in a row. Dopamine was being released in my brain.

The most interesting part of this is that dopamine was being released in her brain as well. She goes to bed early. In fact, sometimes I wish she would stay up later. She goes to bed at 9:00 or 10:00 most of the time. Sometimes I can get her to stay up until 11:00.

She hasn’t changed since back then. But back then, when we first met and dopamine was being released in her brain, she stayed up until 4:00 AM every single night for the first week we met each other. She was in the second stage of love—attraction.

When dopamine is released into your brain, humans find it hard to sleep. We’re just too excited. In addition to dopamine being released in your brain, there is adrenaline. Adrenaline is associated with the feeling of falling in love. Let’s turn to Rick. He saw the beautiful girl across the bar. He had sexual fantasies about her. He got the courage to walk up and talk to her.

They exchanged numbers. For the next week or two, they started to get to know each other. Rick found himself absolutely obsessed with this beautiful woman. Let’s call her Charlie. Charlie and Rick are talking. They’ve exchanged phone numbers. Both of them are becoming obsessed with each other. Rick finds himself constantly checking his phone to see if he got a text message from Charlie.

Charlie is doing the same about Rick. They talk all night on the phone. They find it hard to sleep. They stay up until 4:00 AM texting each other back and forth. They go on dates. A month down the road, they’ve gone on enough dates. They’ve stayed up long enough. The adrenaline is still high. They’ve told each other that they are falling in love with each other. This is the second stage of love—attraction.

Now let’s move on to the third stage of love. The third stage is attachment. That’s when oxytocin and vasopressin are released into the brain. I believe that oxytocin is the cuddle hormone. It’s commonly associated with orgasms. When a human being has an orgasm, they feel this need to cuddle. They feel calm and secure. They feel comforted. They feel a union towards each other. They become more attached in their relationship. This completes the cycle of falling in love. These are the three stages of love.

Let’s go back to Rick and Charlie. Rick and Charlie have just made love for the first time. They are cuddling. Both of them had an orgasm. They’re sitting there in bed. They’re comfortable. They’re lying there happy. They’re calm, secure and comforted. They feel a union towards each other. Down the road, this attachment to each other becomes stronger and stronger. They’ve just completed the cycle of falling in love.

Stage one is lust. Stage two is attraction. Stage three is attachment. Shannon, this is for you now. We’re going to talk a little bit about how you can move from attention to attraction using these three stages of love.

Let’s fast forward to stage three. A lot of it has to do with the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin. You sleep together and have an orgasm. You become calm. When you’re dealing with exes, I do not recommend sleeping with them, ever. That’s how a lot of women end up in a friends with benefits situation. I know these three stages of love are cool to hear. Sometimes men don’t like the first two stages. They like the third stage, and they just like the third stage for sex.

Let’s not fall into a situation where you’re sleeping with your ex and he’s just using you for friends with benefits. I’m not going to recommend going as far as the third stage of love. The third stage of love can occur if you do a really good job on the first two stages of love.

You’re asking how you move from attention to attraction. Right now, it seems like you have gotten the attention of your ex, Shannon. Let’s put this into overdrive. We’re going to stick with stage one here. You’re going to play into his sexual fantasies. A lot of that has to do with looking sexy and dressing sexy if you see him after no contact. Before no contact, if you take a Facebook picture, make sure you look as sexy as you possibly can. Play into his sexual fantasies. We can move from stage one to stage two rather easily here.

After no contact, begin flirting with him. I don’t think I need to explain how to flirt. Don’t make it too sexy. Keep it PG13 rated. Play into his sexual fantasies and lust.

Then we’re going to move into attraction. The big takeaway that we get from attraction is that the guy becomes obsessed with you. Dopamine is released. That’s the sleep story that I told you about me and my wife, and how people can’t fall asleep. You need to tap into these things. If you can make him become obsessed with you and make him stay up or lose sleep over you, you’re doing your job. You’re definitely releasing the dopamine in his head. You’re becoming more attractive to him.

How do we do that? A lot of it has to do with your conversations with him. I’m going to play on the cliffhanger theory, or Ziegarnik effect. This is about ending the conversations at the high point, making sure he always wants more. He’s always coming back for more.

Game of Thrones is a huge show right now. I am absolutely obsessed with it. My wife, of all people who doesn’t usually like shows like that, has gotten obsessed with it. Everyone I know who has watched it really loves that show. I remember that we were on the edge of our seats for last week’s episode. Then it just ended. We said, “No, we want more.” We were super pumped up for this week’s episode the entire week. We were obsessed with it. It is all we talked about. On Sunday, we even left a barbecue early to get home so we could watch it. That’s the kind of obsession that attracts us to it.

That’s the kind of obsession that you need to make your ex-boyfriend have for you. If he’s that obsessed with you, you’re in a really good position. A lot of that has to do with ending at the high point of the conversation, always leaving him wanting more. It will snowball.

He will find that he’s attracted to you. It will get him in the habit of becoming attracted to you, or obsessed with you. He’ll always want to talk to you. The more he talks to you, the bigger chance you have of dopamine being released in his brain and him losing sleep. If you can get him to talk—I’m not saying right off the bat.

There’s a lot that goes into leaving him wanting more. You’re probably have to pick up the Pro System. I’ll link to that in the show notes. That will help you really understand how to take him from point A to point B. Eventually, if you can talk to him every single day, as late as 4:00 AM, dopamine is being released in the brain. He can’t fall asleep. He wants to talk to you.

You’ve just hit the attraction stage. That was your question. How do you get from attention to attraction? After you hit that attraction stage, it’s only a matter of time before you get him to commit to you. Then, of course, comes the attachment stage. That is closely associated with sex. I probably should have done a bit more research on how to get oxytocin released in a man’s brain without sex. I was winging the attachment part by myself. I knew that oxytocin was released after sex. It’s the cuddle hormone.

That’s what I think you need to do to make a man more attracted to you. This was a pretty interesting episode. I hope that a lot of you got something out of it. Shannon, I wish you the best.

In the show notes, I’m going to go through the two big stages that you’re going to be doing most of the work in. You can’t do much with attachment since it revolves around sex. I do not recommend having sex with an ex before he commits to you. Make sure you check out the show notes for more personalized advice, Shannon.

That’s going to do it for today. I really enjoyed recording this. This is a fascinating topic. Lately I’ve been trying to come out with more episodes like this that are action packed with fascinating information that you may not know. I wish you the best and hope you have a great week.

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156 thoughts on “EBR 036: The Three Stages Of Love With Your Ex”

  1. Avatar

    Mia

    November 22, 2016 at 8:26 pm

    We broke up because he said distance I live 20 mins away and he was busy and the relationship was not the same that he didn’t love me like he use to.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 24, 2016 at 6:10 pm

      Hi Mia,
      it looks like he fell out of love or started to fall out of love before he broke up with you.. Even if it has been three weeks, it wouldn’t be considered a no contact rule if you didn’t improve yourself..Did you?

  2. Avatar

    Mia

    November 22, 2016 at 8:25 pm

    We have been together for a year. It wasn’t anything bad it was actually something fun no negative contact it was positive. He texted me but I never responded. It’s been 3 weeks and he already has a dating profile set up. How can he not care about me and forgotten so quickly. At the end of the relationship he said he loved me but not like before. Now I question if he ever loved me.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 24, 2016 at 6:10 pm

      Hi Mia,
      it looks like he fell out of love or started to fall out of love before he broke up with you.. Even if it has been three weeks, it wouldn’t be considered a no contact rule if you didn’t improve yourself..Did you?

  3. Avatar

    Mia

    November 9, 2016 at 8:05 pm

    Hello Chris, my ex boyfriend broke up with me through text saying he wanted to cut ties with me. A week after our breakup I posted on my Facebook that I was going to do something. About 10 mintues after the post he texted me asking me about my post. I never responded. But what does that mean that he wants me back?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 13, 2016 at 7:42 am

      Hi Mia,

      well, he might just thought you were going to do something bad to yourself..Why did you break up? how long were you together? How old are you and are you in ldr?

  4. Avatar

    Mia

    November 9, 2016 at 7:57 pm

    Hello Chris, my ex boyfriend broke up with me through text saying he wanted to cut ties with me. A week after our breakup I posted on my Facebook that I was going to do something. About 10 mintues after the post he texted me asking me about my post. I never responded. But what does that mean that he wants me back?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 13, 2016 at 7:41 am

      Hi Mia,

      well, he might just thought you were going to do something bad to yourself..Why did you break up? how long were you together? How old are you and are you in ldr?

  5. Avatar

    Savannah Daniel

    February 25, 2016 at 6:13 pm

    I recently purchased your ex boyfriend recovery pro and I knew my email and password but it keeps saying one is incorrect. I tried getting my password through my email but it wont show up in my email. I need help.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 26, 2016 at 8:12 am

      Hi Savannah,

      is this the same email you used?

  6. Avatar

    Liezl

    January 13, 2016 at 2:22 am

    HI Chris,
    when my bf and I broke up, i did the no contact rule and then got him back because he proposed….which i accepted. He”s a commitment phobe i would say but he stepped up after i did the no contact which lasted for 21 days. Thanks to you and your brilliant NC. However, when we got engaged last August, we still had our rough paths, about previous women -reason why we broke up and small things, and so in short even when we talk of our wedding i already felt he is still reserved, Until yesterday he wrote me email that he realised that he isnt ready to get married. when he explained to me about it face to face last night he said that he didnt regret proposing and he wants me to sstill be his fiance but setting of wedding dates scares him….and so if it is OK with me we continue the relationship being fiance but we let setting dates first to rest. I would like to seek advise if what i did is ok…cause i told him that i am ok with that and i love him and that im still the only woman and no one else and i am giving him time to feel good when the day is ok to talk about it. What is the best thing to say or do at the moment Chris , your advice would mean a million to me.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 15, 2016 at 2:14 pm

      Hi Liezl,

      I admire how you handled it very well. Very graceful and understanding. I agree that you should give him time to think. You made a good decision and making sure that you will talk about it. Keep at it. I think this post can help you too. How to make your ex boyfriend commit

  7. Avatar

    Jane

    August 3, 2015 at 3:06 am

    Hi Chris,
    So what i have been sleeping with my ex. We go out on dates, he even says I love you but he hasn’t committed or has claimed me yet. We had a discussion a couple weeks ago and he said that he wasn’t good enough for me. He said he’s very immature and that he’s lied me and was talking to a other girl – tho he already broke it off with her. ( even showed me the text message he sent her -Saying that he was hanging and talking with his ex again and didn’t feel right about them speaking or seeing each other anymore). We didn’t talk for a few days but we live so close to eachother that we touched based again and have been again I seperable. Well we talk every other day and usually see eachother that say. I’m the one usually suggesting the date part tho, example dinner, movies etc. he told me the other night that I’m his and he is mine but again no solid commitment and he’s on tinder- said it’s too boost his ego. He’s mentioned being scared of getting serious agin with me bcuz we have a lot of past baggage. 4 years, this is our third break up. He’s 28, and I’m 33. How do I make him commitment????

    I’ve done 30 days months ago, I’m a 10 kinda girl. I know I’m the best for him. But I am always agavailable :/

    1. Avatar

      Jane

      August 14, 2015 at 9:50 pm

      Hi Chris,

      Hopefully I hear from you soon and thank you again for taking the time to do this! You’re the best relationship consultant out there and I k kW that!!! As why I’d love your advice on this…..
      So I was trying to make myself less available, and when my ex Facebook messaged me I didn’t respond. You know how it shows tho whether you’ve read them or not! I accidently opened it and therefore then he knew he was being ignored after 10 more messages and 3 phone calls. He blocked me then! And I knew he was just being a drama queen, but I went to his house anyways cuz I knew he was probably very upset. When I showed up he was a bit buzzed (not drunk) said he went out with the boys and was thinking of me and really wanted to see me. He said he was mad cuz he thought I was with another guy! And the fact I didnt answer – he said made him more positive that I was. Listening to how jealous and bratty he was being, I calmly and smirky said ” why don’t you just admit you love me lol” In a sarcastic but playful voice he says “get out of here!” And throws the blanket over my head lol. Then I say “ok I’ll leave” (sarcastically) and he grabs me and gives me the biggest HUG ever! Of course tells me I’m not going anywhere. He said I put his emotions all over the map.

      Now to me it’s obvious he cares. I don’t feel like doing a NC would fit this situation? We hang out often, now on weekends, I say I love ur here and there, he messages me “I <3 u" last week. But nothing is official and he still has his tinder account or hasn't asked me to get rid of mine. He says I'm his and he is mine, but usually I think just during sex. What do you think??!!
      Thank you Chris!!

    2. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 2, 2015 at 3:34 am

      Don’t let him use you. Don’t sleep with him unless hes fully committed to you.

    3. Avatar

      Jane

      August 7, 2015 at 8:54 pm

      Haha no! I meant I’m always availabl!!! I have been the one always making all the plans- asking him to come over ,contacting him first and even though he always says yes, I feel like I’m chasing too hard. I feel like I’m digging myself a whole where I making myself look unattractive because of my actions not my physical looks. How do I make him committement and want to be with me? and chase me?

    4. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 6, 2015 at 10:56 pm

      Do you mean ungettable?

      That came out as agavailable… haha.

  8. Avatar

    Sarah

    July 17, 2015 at 6:43 am

    Hi Chris – I wanted to stop by and thank you for the guidance and unabashed advice I garnered from your website and guide. To give you a brief rundown of my situation, I am 33, divorced, and highly educated (I have a doctorate). I would consider myself an attractive woman. However, for the last three years following my divorce I have struggled with a string of failed relationships. I seemed to continually get “friend zoned” about 2 to 4 months into each relationship. Well, in early February 2015, I met M. Things with M were different, in the sense that we were nearly perfectly compatible. We hold all the same values, same interests, and even enjoyed staying active together in all the same activities. Things were completely wonderful and I relished in how happy we were!

    So, as you may have guessed, we had 2 perfectly wonderful months together and it was clear we were falling in love. What does he do? He broke up with me! We had just returned from a fantastic weekend trip to New Orleans together. We had a grand time! But when we got back he said that he just didn’t feel as though I was his soulmate so we needed to stop seeing each other. He agreed things were wonderful and could give me no other reason (of course, it is crystal clear to me now that it was all fear!). After this conversation, I called him the next day to tell him I thought he was making a bad decision and asked him to reconsider. He said he still felt it “wasn’t right.” So I told him I disagreed, but would walk away if that was what he felt was right. I, of course, wanted to throttle him!! Later, I found out that all of his close friends accosted him about it. Hehe!

    That night I turned to the internet. Something needed to change. I could not keep going in this string of dating failures! Needless to day, I ran into your site. I initiated NC immediately, which I maintained for 24 days. I planned to make it to 30, but something perfect came up and I felt it was ok to bend the rules slightly. We reconnected in mid May 2015 over a very brief coffee (30 minutes). Two days later he asked if he could take me on a date. Two days after that we met up for our 2nd 1st date (we still giggle about this!) where he asked me to be his girlfriend. Chris, since then we have fallen completely in love and things are just absolutely wonderful. I never imagined I could be so happy! We have talked a lot about the break up. He admits that he was uncomfortable because he wasn’t “giving me his whole heart.” Of course, I think that me backing off scared him out of his own fear!

    So needless to say, we both agree that #s&m2.0 is infinitely better than #s&m1.0 and I silently thank you nearly everyday for our happiness together. I think that period of NC did as much for my own anxieties, fears, contentment, and confidence as it did in winning back the man that I love. So thank you for that as well. I had 24 days of pain and growth, which taught me to be confident in myself and my relationship. For that, I will be forever grateful.

  9. Avatar

    Bointy

    July 12, 2015 at 7:45 pm

    So I actually looked up ways to naturally release dopamine- massages, listening to music, discovering new things, achieving goals, exercise, yoga.

    Ways to increase oxytocin naturally is to watch funny, psychological, or emotionally wrought movies, doing charity work together, getting him to do favors for you, riding roller coasters, animals, communicating with him thru social media, hugs, yoga and massages also work for this.

  10. Avatar

    khadija

    July 12, 2015 at 1:11 pm

    Hi Chris

    Please help me my boyfriend broke up with me and he deleted me from snap chat even he broke up from me for a girl a feel my self looser I don’t know what to do

  11. Avatar

    khadija

    July 12, 2015 at 1:09 pm

    My boy friend broke up with for someone else and he deleted me from snap chat do I have to delete him form what’s up too

  12. Avatar

    Sam

    July 10, 2015 at 3:51 pm

    Hi Chris
    Well my bf broke up with me about a month ago. There wasn’t really a proper reason besides the fact that we were fighting alot an he never saw his friends. He’s been seeing his friends more since we broke up . We still see each other am when we together , the feelings are obviously still there as he gets very emotional when we talk about our relationship . What can I do to get back together with him ..we were together for about 3 years an I really feel like the love is still there especially how he acts with me. He’s only ever off towards me over the phone but in person he’s completely different. Please get back to me. Need help

  13. Avatar

    Mina

    June 29, 2015 at 12:53 pm

    Hi Chris!
    ok.. so after I sent a congrats text which you said isn’t good I waited to weeks and sent my ex a: “you won’t believe what happened to me” text. It went really well. today, 2 days later, I sent him a text asking if he remembers the name of a restaurant we went to together and I laughed about how it was raining and what were we thinking looking for this restaurant in the rain. his response was positive he laughed.
    I’m worried he’s just answering to be nice and is not going to want to get back together:(
    What should my next text be? I don’t want him to think that I just want to be on friendly terms with him. and I’m afraid this isn’t going to work.
    I haven’t told anyone that I’m trying to get him back since I know I won’t get any support. so you’re the only person I can consult with.
    please help!!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 29, 2015 at 6:16 pm

      Glad to hear it went well.

      I would say your next text should be one that really just spurs a conversation.

  14. Avatar

    Elisa

    June 26, 2015 at 3:25 pm

    Hi Chris,

    Been reading a lot on your website and your e-book and have found it all very interesting.

    My ex broke up with me just over a week ago in person, he was very snappy and upset if I asked a question and just mumbled something about how he’s 27 and feels like he hasn’t achieved anything in life and doesn’t feel like the same happy go lucky guy anymore. Therefore it’s unfair on me and doesn’t want to hurt me. He’s also recently lost two family members and this has really affected him. A mutual friend said he’s decided he wants to be ‘selfish’ and do his own thing for a bit which is confusing the hell out of me what does that mean in guy talk?
    Just weeks ago we was talking to a mortgage advisor ready to move in together.
    I’ started NC from the moment we said goodbye to each other on the day we broke up. However I have to collect my clothes from his house, should I start the 30 days again after doing this?
    Thanks
    E

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 29, 2015 at 6:22 pm

      So, he is unhappy in himself and that’s why he broke up with you?

  15. Avatar

    Maddy

    June 24, 2015 at 3:29 pm

    Hi Chris,
    My Boyfriend broke up with me day before. He had actually done that last week too but then we patched up again. He says we can be friends and nothing more. His reason is that he is not able to concentrate on anything but me. This is a really strange reason to break up with someone. I am certain he is not cheating,etc so that is out of question. All he says is he can’t concentrate on his career and family along with a relationship. He says we have no future as we live in two different cities. This I do not think is a huge problem as this comes into picture when he goes back (we study in the same city and live nearby. This is my actual residence and he lives approx 8hrs from here) .The future he is talking about is two years away. He says we share a very strong bond and if we don’t break up now later on will be a difficulty. This person spoke to me of getting married only a month ago and suddenly out of the blue he broke up saying his condition (being lost and not being able to concentrate) only he understands. I tried to help a lot but he pushed me away. We are in the same class so no contact will be difficult. Although he did say we can be friend and nothing more. Please help me understand what this issue is. Is there any hope? What should I do?

  16. Avatar

    Nikki

    June 24, 2015 at 3:25 am

    I think my ex still has feelings for me because the last time I saw him after our breakup his body language and attempts to be physically affectionate made me think so. We had previously agreed to be friends after breaking up, but I don’t think the feelings are completely gone for either of us. However, he said that he doesn’t think we should get back together, but he still cares about me a lot and wants to be friends. I’m doing the 30 day no contact, but he’s kind of sensitive and immature at times, so I’m worried that ignoring him completely will make him mad at me and not want to talk to me when I do end up contacting him after 30 days. He’s already tried to contact me through social media and texting, and I didn’t reply. I understand that being friends after breaking up can be difficult and complicated, but we do still value each others’ friendship and only broke up because our lives were going different ways and thought it was the right thing to do. Basically what I’m asking is, is there a chance that ignoring him could harm our friendship?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 29, 2015 at 6:30 pm

      Yes there is a chance…

      But I think its worth the risk.

  17. Avatar

    Mag

    June 21, 2015 at 7:53 pm

    Dear Chris,
    I have asked for advice before and you were kind enough to reply to me. First of all, thank you for your site! Let me just tell you that everything you say WORKS! When my boyfriend broke up with me in March, I have stumbled upon your site and have read most of the articles since. Before I discovered your site, I did one thing right instinctively: I told my Ex I did not want to hear from him anymore and went NC. During that time I worked hard on me, I realized that he was not the only person to blame that our relationship has ended. I also started to rediscover my hobbies, I went out with friends – and at the one-month-mark I felt great about myself! It didn’t take me too long to “get over” him, because I knew at that time breaking up was the best thing we could do! It didn’t happen because we didn’t love each other anymore or because we were so unbearably unhappy, no, we broke up because we both needed time for ourselves (we have moved in together VERY quickly after we started dating, so it was a logical consequence that one day we would need space). I knew that we were gonna get back together, only the time needed to be right. So after more than 30 days of NC, he contacted me because he needed some sort of help at work since he was extremely sick and had no one else to ask (we used to work together/he’s self employed). So I drove to his place, which has been my place in the past too, and picked up the keys that I needed for his work place. After I did what I had to I drove back to his place to bring him back the keys and he literally begged me to stay…
    At this point I have to add that I have met his elderly mother once during NC, because she had also needed my help with some tech-related stuff. She told me how unhappy her son was, that he often broke down and cried, that he texted her how much he loved&missed me. It seriously broke my heart to know he suffered, but it also showed me how well I was coping with that situation. What I didn’t know at that time, was that this information was crucial. I was at a point, where I had done everything I could to make myself feel good. He on the other hand did not even try to come to terms with the break up, all he did was keeping it off of his mind! So when he asked me to stay that day we first saw each other again after the month of NC, I said yes because I wanted to. But he asked me to stay because he needed me in the first place rather than wanting me.
    So we started seeing each other again, we talked lots and lots about the things that went wrong in the past and the things we wanted to do better this time around. We have never even been this open to each other when we were still dating! It felt like we have reached a whole new level of closeness. We were taking baby steps, didn’t want to rush things like the first time. I must say have almost never been this happy with how my life was going. We were seeing each other regularly, but each one of us still had time for personal activities. We started to really care about that other person again and appreciate each other’s presence rather than just “hanging out” together like we used to towards the end of our relationship. I really felt like THIS TIME we did everything RIGHT… I felt that spark again. He said he did, too. And when he showed up at my doorstep minutes after I told him I wasn’t feeling well, I knew he was back in love with me…
    That’s why it was so shocking, when I called him past Thursday just to talk, that he was really reserved. I asked what was wrong and he told me he didn’t know how to put it but he wasn’t sure what our future would look like. It came out of the blue. I was taken by complete surprise. Really. Never have I been so happy, and felt so close to someone – and that person tells me he’s unhappy. I could not and still cannot understand. The reason he gave me has something to do with his past and his “Inner child” – he talked about it to his therapist and they both concluded that I seem to trigger this “Inner child” to come out. That’s why he sometimes feels he can’t properly deal with his life. All of this seems so contradictory since I have been the one, to help him climb out of his misery. And you see, this is where the crucial information comes in: I freely chose to see him again, but he desperately asked for me to be around and help him get better. Even though he denies it, I feel like he used me to get better. I was his rebound relationship… So he broke up with me again, now that he is finally doing better, and says we can only be friends but we need space first (he suggested about 6 months of NC) – WOW. I am still not processing what happened. How was I supposed to see the signs when we started seeing each other again? How was I to tell desperation apart from love? I couldn’t. Now I am so very heart broken. When we broke up the first time, it felt totally right – this time is a mistake! It feels so wrong! We were happy, that’s undeniable. I do not believe his reasons. I try to, but I can’t understand him. He promised me to speak to me one more time when our emotions calmed down, but I know him, he’s a coward sometimes, he will not speak to me again and try to explain his decision. He will hope that I simply give up on him.
    WHAT IN THE WORLD WENT WRONG. Have you ever heard something like that, Chris? I did everything you advised, and it totally worked, we GOT back together. What could’ve made him change his mind? This time the break up is so hard on me… And P.S. he also told me he doesn’t want to be in a relationship for a looooong time, at least that’s what he and his therapist agreed on would be best.

    Chris, I have no idea what to do now. Is all hope lost for couples that break up twice?

    Love,
    Mag

    1. Avatar

      Mag

      August 1, 2015 at 1:33 pm

      Hello Chris, thank you for replying to me! I really appreciate the effort you put into this site – it shows that you genuinely believe in what you do! To answer your question, my ex boyfriend will be 40 this November, I have turned 27 last week, although people say he appears to have a MUCH younger aura and spirit, while I have always been the mature type. So I guess we balanced that age gap out… maybe a little too well or not well enough, howsoever you want to put it.

      Sorry for leaving such giant comments and thanks for reading them anyways.

      Much Love,
      Mag

    2. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 10, 2015 at 10:18 pm

      Interesting, I don’t believe that you have anything to do with his “inner child” or they way he acts. Every person acts how they want to act. It sounds like since there is an age gap he is pinning his insecurity on you, which is wrong. But if you want him back you will have to do the no contact and let him figure things out on his own. You will be able to talk to him again just give it some time.

    3. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      July 15, 2015 at 6:38 pm

      This is going to be a really weird question but what is his age if you don’t mind me asking?

  18. Avatar

    Your Avid Follower

    June 20, 2015 at 3:54 pm

    HII I have an URGENT question!!

    So I’ve been talking to you constantly via post on this site and I’m the one with the ex who I get sporadic silent no caller ID calls from for the past few months but he got back with his high school ex right after we broke up. So right now suddenly on my fb chat I got a message from him with the thumbs up emoticon. I replied saying “?” and then I got a reply “sorry it’s (current girlfriend’s name)… my bad.” This was at 6:23am.

    I haven’t gotten a call from him in a little over a moth because the last time he called I was out of town and ever since we both haven’t been in the same town together or when we have with was the start of this month his girlfriend was in town visiting him which we found out via snapchat so he hasn’t had a chance to call. Right now he’s in summer school (he’s done dec) and she’s graduated she’s in vegas and me and my best friend are waiting to see because it’s the weekend if although unlikely if she snap story’s him which if their together she will if not then we’ll know within 24 hours.

    I’m 90% positive that he actually sent the message whilst re-reading our conversation from the past and then said it was her to cover his ass because any girl actually snooping her bf’s fb would never actually say it’s her. So what I’m asking is if we find out their not together should I whatsapp message him and ask him if he messaged me on fb chat? or should I send him the screen shot directly? Basically what should my initial message to him regarding this be?

    1. Avatar

      Your Avid Follower

      June 30, 2015 at 8:13 am

      Hey Chris,

      Just wanted to know what your take on this was?
      The first part of my comment is still under moderation so not sure if you’ve read them but my comments on the initial comment have been approved so not sure if you’ve read it.

    2. Avatar

      Your Avid Follower

      June 24, 2015 at 2:39 pm

      After I posted that he didn’t reply I got a reply. 24 hours after I had messaged he replied with “nah it was probably (girlfriend’s name)”, I found it extremely strange I though he may not reply as tho to not make either one of them look worse but then he took his time and said that. They have spent the last two and a half weeks together, I still think it was him and he’s lying about it being her because why would you tell me that your current gf is insecure about me basically the whole thing was super wierd. I chose to not reply to the message because it was too messy and I had nothing to really say to it because he was clearly looking for a reaction with that message. And since I knew they were together I didn’t want to ask about the calls because I wouldn’t have gotten an open honest response it would have been brushed under the rug.

      What is your opinion on this?

    3. Avatar

      Your Avid Follower

      July 6, 2015 at 4:58 am

      As of late a lot has been happening almost every day for the past week/two.
      Yesterday he changed his Facebook display picture to one of him and girlfriend, however he did it on the anniversary of our breakup. I know it’s an odd date to remember but since it’s july 4th it’s really easy, so it’s been exactly a year since we broke up. Moreover he changed it at exactly 11:11 which has always been A HUGEEEEE thing for us like HUGE. We’ve always tried to beat each other everyday at who can text 11:11 first and had that number engraved on presents for each other, its the concept of “11:11 make a wish” and we’d always say our wish came true because we got each other. And the past few months I still go on whatsapp at 11:11 at I’m pretty regular about it night and day to see if he remembers and still goes on and he does it almost as much as me and we both just stay online on whatsapp for 30 secs or the whole minute and log on as if we’re acknowledging each other’s presence. I also know for a fact that it’s not something he started with his girlfriend because a) it was so specifically ours b) he still does it c) I’ve looked at her last see timestamp a lot as well and she’s never online around that time at all plus she’s in a different time zone for most of their relationship so it just not a thing.

      I don’t know if I’ve overly thought this and that he specifically posted at 11:11 because that seems a little more hurtful than necessary or than normal, posting the photo he would have know would have hurt me enough then on the day we broke up as well but I don’t know.

    4. Avatar

      Your Avid Follower

      July 2, 2015 at 9:21 am

      Hi Chris today his girlfriend extremely uncharacteristically uploaded an album on fb which was had photos form her entire year including 5/6 photos of them together from the past few months. It’s the first time either of them have uploaded anything on to Facebook of them together. The last time there was a photo of them it was back in November that someone else posted.

      However for the past year or two I’ve been kept on limited profile from her page but today i realised she took me off limited so that I could see her page now and specifically see the photos she uploaded of them together clearly that shows her insecurity if she specifically wants me to see them together.

      Given this +the 2.5 months of no caller ID calls from him+the fb/whatsapp incident I mentioned above that happened last week – whether it was him or her that accidentally messaged me (the initial comment with the details is still pending but the following posts on it have been approved) it’s clear that she is insecure of me and that he may not be completely over me/she hasn’t been able to emotionally anchor him to her fully . What should I do? How do I get him to end this rebound/act upon wanting me back as appose to these weird hidden things he’s doing? Do you agree with my summary or do you have different opinions on the situation?

    5. Avatar

      Your Avid Follower

      June 24, 2015 at 2:54 am

      I messaged saying “hi did you fb messaged me yday?”
      and got no reply

  19. Avatar

    Kristin

    June 18, 2015 at 7:38 pm

    Hello,
    My ex and i have been on and off for 4 years . We even lived together. We broke up last year in July. didn’t talk for 2 months. Then in October talked a bit every so often. He was not very receptive. Then He started dating someone in February and met up with me to tell me how awesome she is but it ended after a month. We started hanging out again in April and we talked alot. He has alot of issues right now he cuts himself he is just working out things. He said he feels he can talk to me more. We get close and then he moves away…. He gets jealous though badly of other guys and saids he still loves me. then he saids you know this wont work. Then he saids maybe. I dont know what to do. Sadly i have slept with him a few times. What do i do? He doesnt seem to talk to me much now. I am trying to be positive and i want this to happen. Please help. PLEASE ANSWER!!!

    1. Avatar

      Kristin

      June 18, 2015 at 9:10 pm

      Also he said he loves me and it’s been a year also he said he loves me more then his friends…how can I get him or do I have a chance ? Answer all above!!!

  20. Avatar

    Mackensie

    June 18, 2015 at 7:31 pm

    Hi Chris!

    My boyfriend and I recently broke up. He is moving in August so our relationship began to nosedive with the thoughts of the end coming. He didn’t want to do long distance because he had recently been in a long distance relationship and it ended badly for him. I began the breakup conversation but he’s the one who ended it. I am completely devastated because in the end of the relationship he had began pulling away, blowing me off, and not texting me like he used to. I sensed this and this is why the conversation started that ultimately resulting in him ending things. The relationship involved a lot of complications (we both were recently out of relationships, his moving, were both devoted Christians) but they are not necessary for my questions.

    My questions are this:
    1. I just found this site and started NC as of Tuesday. He is leaving for a 3 week trip in which it will be difficult to contact him on the three week mark of NC. Should I contact him on the day he is leaving? Or should I see if he is able to answer while on the trip on the 30 day mark? (he will be in another country) Or should I wait until he arrives home which will be about 40 something days of NC. I am worried about waiting until after his trip because then there are only a few weeks until he moves.
    2. I am still in contact with his family because we are really close. Should i break this contact also during NC?
    3. I’m trying to implement Social Media tactics during NC. We both use Instagram a lot. Should I not be liking his pictures to further the use of NC? Even while posting my own?

    Please help me out! Thank you so much.

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