Welcome to the latest episode of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.
I have quite the episode planned for you.
So, rather than bore you with the usual pleasantries lets just get right to it.
Today we hear from a woman named Shannon.
Shannon has a bit of a situation,
- Her ex and her broke up 3 weeks ago.
- It appears as if her ex wanted to remain friends with her
- She has done the right thing as far as doing NC
- During the NC period so far she has lost 5lbs and gotten a new sexy haircut
- Wonders how she can move from attention to attraction
That last point is really where most of the focus of this episode is going to, well, focus on.
You see, what I did for Shannon is I looked at my own personal experience of how I fell in love with my wife and I hopped on the interwebs 😉 and looked up the science behind making someone fall in love with you. What I found was fascinating and it just so happens that it is what I talk about exclusively in this episode.
First though, lets do a quick rundown of what is covered in this episode.
What Is Covered In This Episode
- The evolutionary need of attraction
- The idea that you need to have the right hormones on your side when getting a man to fall in love with you
- The three stages of love (covered below)
- A funny story about sleep and when I was falling in love with my wife
- A caveman named rick evolving into a modern day man
- How to use the three stages of love to your advantage when it comes to your ex
IMPORTANT Links Mentioned In This Episode
The Three Stages Of Love
STAGE 1: Lust
This stage is where sexual fantasies are most common and sex hormones are released within men and women.
Men = Testosterone
Women = Estrogen
STAGE 2: Attraction
This is the stage that is commonly associated with “falling in love.” The two people who fall in love become obsessed with each other and dopamine is released.
Dopamine- is commonly associated with people who cannot sleep. I tell a funny story about myself (and my wife) regarding the release of dopamine.
Also, adrenaline is released in this stage and is commonly associated with the felling of “falling in love.”
STAGE 3: Attachment
These are all qualities that are associated with this stage of love.
It’s funny, I often think that this stage of love was developed for childcare. As a way of ensuring that parents stayed together and prepared their children for the world.
Oxytocin and Vassopressin are commonly associated with this stage of love.
Oh, and in case you don’t know what oxytocin is it is commonly referred to as the cuddle hormone. You know, the hormone that makes you want to cuddle after sex.
Yup, that is in this stage of love.
Welcome to Episode 36 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. It’s been a little bit since I’ve done one of these episodes but I’m really excited for today’s episode. I’m going to be talking about something that really interests me.
First, let me give you a few quick updates of what’s going on with Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, me, my life and other things in general. As many of you know, I’ve been talking a lot about this coaching idea that my wife and I have been throwing around. It looks like it’s definitely a go. I’m working on it actively, as we speak.
I’ve already created a file of how I think things are going to go. I really want people who have purchased this program to get the most out of it. I really want them to get their exes back, if they want. If they don’t want to get their exes back and they need help moving on then we can focus on that. I’ve been doing a lot of research on how to properly coach people.
I’ve come up with an interesting method on how to do it. I think it will get great results. I’m really pumped to get this thing in the pipeline and get going on it. I’m going to be releasing a beta test first because it’s the first time that I’ve ever done any kind of coaching like this. I’m going to be releasing a beta test first. I’m only going to be coaching 10 people at first.
When the coaching is up and running, it will be a monthly thing. Every month, I will get paid to coach. Just for this beta coaching, it’s going to be a one-time payment for one month of my time to coach. I’m doing this for a number of reasons. Number one, I want to see how much time it takes out of my day. I think I can handle 10 people. Number two, eventually my wife and I will be tag-teaming this coaching thing. I’m giving her an idea of how it’s all going to work out.
I’m going to be creating a special email list. The only way that you can get into the beta coaching is to get onto this email list. I haven’t created the email list yet. I will be giving you information on how it’s all going to work in a later podcast, and on Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. Make sure you keep going to the home page of Ex-Boyfriend Recovery.
Hopefully, within the next one or two weeks, I can get this list out. Whoever is on this list, I’m going to make it clear that you have to be interested in the coaching. Again, this is going to be a very limited thing. At first, there are only going to be 10 spots. Then we’re probably going to up it to 15 or 20. Ultimately, we’d like to serve 30 people. That leaves 15 for me and 15 for my wife where we can collaborate together to give people the man’s perspective as well as the woman’s perspective.
I know that I’m the creator of Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. Don’t let that fool you. My wife is probably smarter than me when it comes to relationships. In fact, there are a lot of times when I’m stuck as I’m writing something. I turn to her. I say, “Can you help me? I don’t know what to say.” The last time I did this, I was writing an article about what to do if your ex thinks you cheated on him but you really didn’t.
I was stumped on one particular item. I turned to her. She served an amazing insight to me. I thought, “Oh my God. Why didn’t I think of that?” I think, together at a team, we can work really well to help people get their exes back. The only way you can get access to the special beta test of the coaching is to sign up for the email list. The email list hasn’t been created yet. Stay tuned on Ex-Boyfriend Recovery or on the podcast where I’ll be talking about that.
Let’s get to today’s question. We’re going to hear from Shannon. This is going to be a very unique episode. I’m going to talk a lot about evolution. I’m going to talk a lot about psychology. I’m going to talk a lot about attraction and love, and the behind-the-scenes science of it. I’m really pumped to get this episode going.
Let’s hear from Shannon:
“Hi, Chris. You can call me Shannon. I am in a situation where my boyfriend broke up with me about three weeks ago. He said that he just didn’t feel for me the way that he should and didn’t care for me the way I deserved to be cared about. He regretted breaking up with me and that his issues caused him to break up with me. He hurt a good woman.
He wanted to remain friends because he genuinely likes me. I have all the traits that he wants in a girl. There was a lot of talk and a lot of lines. I broke off any type of contact with him. I went off Facebook for about a week and a half and was unreachable. He had no way of knowing what was going on with me. I came back on to Facebook.
I lost five or six pounds in this short amount of time. I’ve been hitting the gym. I cut my hair off. I have a totally different look. Everybody who has seen the new look says there is just something amazing about me in the pictures. I know that it’s going well.
He started liking everything that I was posting on Facebook, even things that were posted hours before he hit like. I know he’s on my page. My question is, how do you move from attention to attraction? Is this something that can only be done after the no contact when you’re speaking to them again? Is there a way to make sure that you’re not rushing it and that you’re getting the right timing to make it happen? Thank you very much.”
Thanks for your question, Shannon. I really appreciate it. I want to take a moment to commend you and tell you how proud I am of you for sticking to the game plans that I teach on the website and in Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. I’ll provide a link to that in the show notes of this episode.
When a lot of women read the advice that I give and the thoughts that I have on a certain situation, it goes in one ear and out the other. But it doesn’t seem like that’s happened to you. You seem to have taken my advice to heart. You’ve done what it hardest for women to do—implement it. Understanding the advice is one thing. But understanding it and implementing it is an entirely different thing.
In my experience, most of the women who come to the website and are drawn into Ex-Boyfriend Recovery have no problem understanding the facts, how things work and what you’re supposed to do. When it comes down to actually implementing it, that’s when they have the trouble. First I’d like to commend you for implementing what you have. It’s amazing. You’ve lost five pounds and gotten a sexy haircut. It seems like you’ve really taken my advice to hear and implemented it. I’m really happy to hear that.
Let’s do a quick recap of Shannon’s situation. It seems like she broke up with her ex three weeks ago. I don’t know exactly when she submitted this. It may be a little bit later right now. It seems like her ex-boyfriend wanted to remain friends. I’m a little split on this.
I think half the men out there want to remain friends and half the men are probably like me and don’t want to remain friends with their ex. I’m not sure that anything abnormal is happening there. It seems like Shannon did do no contact. She got off Facebook for a while, which I don’t recommend.
I think Facebook is a valuable tool during the no contact rule, as long as you don’t have direct contact with your ex. You don’t want to be responding to his comments or inbox messages. Studies have shown that 90% of exes look at their ex’s profiles on Facebook or other social media. There is a highly likely chance that your ex will eventually look at your Facebook profile. That’s why I think it’s really important to have your Facebook profile ex-proofed.
You want it to look the way you want your ex to perceive you, which is a powerful thing. I talk a lot about that in the Facebook episode. I’m going to link to the Facebook podcast episode in the show notes of this episode. Make sure you read the show notes if you want to hear the podcast that talks about how to deal with social media, and how to make your Facebook profile look the way you want it to look for your ex.
Shannon took my advice to heart. She started hitting the gym. She lost five pounds. She decided that she wanted to look sexier, so she felt the need to get a haircut. I think that’s fantastic. Her big question is, how do you move from attention to attraction? It seems like Shannon has had no problem gaining her ex’s attention. Now she’s wondering how she can move from gaining his attention to him actively chasing her or falling in love with her again.
There is a lot to talk about here. We’ll start by talking about attraction. When you look at the history of attraction, there is an evolutionary need involved with attraction. That evolutionary need is that we have to try to attract the strongest mates we possibly can. You wouldn’t think that for a man.
You would think it for a woman, because a woman wants to attract the strongest mate to her. It also does apply to a man. Here is my example. Let’s go back to caveman times. This is going to be a weird example. You have a strong caveman. We’ll call him Rick. Rick is sitting around. It’s time for him to do his part for the species and find a woman to mate with.
He starts looking for a woman. He has three prospects for women. He has a really strong-looking woman, an average-looking woman and a woman who is not so pretty. The strong-looking woman has a strong build. She’s healthy. The average person has an average build and she’s unhealthy. Not below average, or ugly, woman has a limp. She can’t talk very well.
At this time, as a human species, we’re not as sophisticated. Which option do you think that Rick is going to pick? My money is on the strong, healthy, pretty woman. That’s because weaker mates are weak and may lead to the extinction of the human race. It’s sort of like natural selection. The strong survive. The weak perish. That’s the way it is. It’s not so much that when anymore when it comes to humans. When you look at other species, it’s that way. It’s survival of the fittest. Hardwired into every man’s brain is this evolutionary need to find the strongest mate.
Shannon, I think it’s fantastic that you are taking an active step to try and improve your looks. Right now, that’s what men associate with a strong woman. I know that’s weird but that’s the way our society has turned. Back in the caveman days, health and strength in the women were looked at as the top qualities. I’m not a scientist or paleontologist. My guess is that, back in the day, strong, healthy women were considered strong mates.
Nowadays, it’s not like that. I’m going to give you an example. As a man, the strongest type of woman that I can think of is a bodybuilder. A female bodybuilder is a woman who has huge muscles. To me, that’s strong. To me, that’s healthy. I don’t think that steroids are healthy. Let’s assume that there is a natural woman bodybuilder out there.
I don’t find a bodybuilder woman attractive at all. I would definitely not mate with a bodybuilder woman. I’m more attracted to beautiful women. That’s what our society, and men, have turned to. That’s what we see as a strong mate. I have no problem saying that my wife is a beautiful woman. I’m attracted to her, partly because of her beauty. The other parts are her personality and the way she is. The way men are, we perceive strong mates as attractive.
I think it’s a smart move for you, Shannon, to try to become as attractive as you possibly can. A lot of this relies on genetics and the way your face is structured. The parts that are in your control, you’re doing the right thing. Again, I want to commend you on that.
You’re asking a specific question. How do you move from attention to attraction? In addition to looking good, there are other things that you can do to push attraction in your favor. Now I’d like to go through these things. You need to have the hormones on your side. A lot of people who fall in love have something fascinating going on in their brains.
Scientists have found that there are three levels of love. I used the evolutionary thing to explain why you probably needed to be good looking. But the good-looking part is only 50% of the equation. This is the other 50% of the equation. Now I’m going to talk about these three stages of love, these hormonal things that go on in a person’s brain that makes them fall in love. Scientists have determined that there are three big stages to love. At the end of this, we’re going to figure out how to work each of these in your favor when it comes to your ex.
The first stage is lust. Lust occurs when there are sexual fantasies. There are sex hormones. Women have estrogen. Men have testosterone. Since we are dealing with men and ex-boyfriends here, we’re looking at testosterone. Stage one is called lust. Let’s move Rick up a few centuries. We’ll pretend he’s modern day Rick.
The caveman Rick has turned into modern day Rick. Let’s pretend that Rick is sitting at a bar. He looks over and he sees a really beautiful woman. He starts to have sexual fantasies about her. His sex hormones start going off in his head. He thinks, “Wow, that woman is beautiful.” He has just entered the first stage of love. That’s when sexual fantasies and sex hormones happen. The testosterone is through the roof. That’s the first stage of love.
Let’s move on to the second stage of love. We’ll stay with the Rick example. Let me first explain the second stage. This is attraction. That’s when the person becomes obsessed with the other person. That’s when people “fall in love” and dopamine is released. Dopamine is interesting.
I’m going to tell you a personal story. When dopamine is released in the brain, you find it hard to sleep. I love my wife very much. When I first met my wife and we first started talking, we talked until about 4:00 AM in the morning. This occurred for six or seven days in a row. Dopamine was being released in my brain.
The most interesting part of this is that dopamine was being released in her brain as well. She goes to bed early. In fact, sometimes I wish she would stay up later. She goes to bed at 9:00 or 10:00 most of the time. Sometimes I can get her to stay up until 11:00.
She hasn’t changed since back then. But back then, when we first met and dopamine was being released in her brain, she stayed up until 4:00 AM every single night for the first week we met each other. She was in the second stage of love—attraction.
When dopamine is released into your brain, humans find it hard to sleep. We’re just too excited. In addition to dopamine being released in your brain, there is adrenaline. Adrenaline is associated with the feeling of falling in love. Let’s turn to Rick. He saw the beautiful girl across the bar. He had sexual fantasies about her. He got the courage to walk up and talk to her.
They exchanged numbers. For the next week or two, they started to get to know each other. Rick found himself absolutely obsessed with this beautiful woman. Let’s call her Charlie. Charlie and Rick are talking. They’ve exchanged phone numbers. Both of them are becoming obsessed with each other. Rick finds himself constantly checking his phone to see if he got a text message from Charlie.
Charlie is doing the same about Rick. They talk all night on the phone. They find it hard to sleep. They stay up until 4:00 AM texting each other back and forth. They go on dates. A month down the road, they’ve gone on enough dates. They’ve stayed up long enough. The adrenaline is still high. They’ve told each other that they are falling in love with each other. This is the second stage of love—attraction.
Now let’s move on to the third stage of love. The third stage is attachment. That’s when oxytocin and vasopressin are released into the brain. I believe that oxytocin is the cuddle hormone. It’s commonly associated with orgasms. When a human being has an orgasm, they feel this need to cuddle. They feel calm and secure. They feel comforted. They feel a union towards each other. They become more attached in their relationship. This completes the cycle of falling in love. These are the three stages of love.
Let’s go back to Rick and Charlie. Rick and Charlie have just made love for the first time. They are cuddling. Both of them had an orgasm. They’re sitting there in bed. They’re comfortable. They’re lying there happy. They’re calm, secure and comforted. They feel a union towards each other. Down the road, this attachment to each other becomes stronger and stronger. They’ve just completed the cycle of falling in love.
Stage one is lust. Stage two is attraction. Stage three is attachment. Shannon, this is for you now. We’re going to talk a little bit about how you can move from attention to attraction using these three stages of love.
Let’s fast forward to stage three. A lot of it has to do with the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin. You sleep together and have an orgasm. You become calm. When you’re dealing with exes, I do not recommend sleeping with them, ever. That’s how a lot of women end up in a friends with benefits situation. I know these three stages of love are cool to hear. Sometimes men don’t like the first two stages. They like the third stage, and they just like the third stage for sex.
Let’s not fall into a situation where you’re sleeping with your ex and he’s just using you for friends with benefits. I’m not going to recommend going as far as the third stage of love. The third stage of love can occur if you do a really good job on the first two stages of love.
You’re asking how you move from attention to attraction. Right now, it seems like you have gotten the attention of your ex, Shannon. Let’s put this into overdrive. We’re going to stick with stage one here. You’re going to play into his sexual fantasies. A lot of that has to do with looking sexy and dressing sexy if you see him after no contact. Before no contact, if you take a Facebook picture, make sure you look as sexy as you possibly can. Play into his sexual fantasies. We can move from stage one to stage two rather easily here.
After no contact, begin flirting with him. I don’t think I need to explain how to flirt. Don’t make it too sexy. Keep it PG13 rated. Play into his sexual fantasies and lust.
Then we’re going to move into attraction. The big takeaway that we get from attraction is that the guy becomes obsessed with you. Dopamine is released. That’s the sleep story that I told you about me and my wife, and how people can’t fall asleep. You need to tap into these things. If you can make him become obsessed with you and make him stay up or lose sleep over you, you’re doing your job. You’re definitely releasing the dopamine in his head. You’re becoming more attractive to him.
How do we do that? A lot of it has to do with your conversations with him. I’m going to play on the cliffhanger theory, or Ziegarnik effect. This is about ending the conversations at the high point, making sure he always wants more. He’s always coming back for more.
Game of Thrones is a huge show right now. I am absolutely obsessed with it. My wife, of all people who doesn’t usually like shows like that, has gotten obsessed with it. Everyone I know who has watched it really loves that show. I remember that we were on the edge of our seats for last week’s episode. Then it just ended. We said, “No, we want more.” We were super pumped up for this week’s episode the entire week. We were obsessed with it. It is all we talked about. On Sunday, we even left a barbecue early to get home so we could watch it. That’s the kind of obsession that attracts us to it.
That’s the kind of obsession that you need to make your ex-boyfriend have for you. If he’s that obsessed with you, you’re in a really good position. A lot of that has to do with ending at the high point of the conversation, always leaving him wanting more. It will snowball.
He will find that he’s attracted to you. It will get him in the habit of becoming attracted to you, or obsessed with you. He’ll always want to talk to you. The more he talks to you, the bigger chance you have of dopamine being released in his brain and him losing sleep. If you can get him to talk—I’m not saying right off the bat.
There’s a lot that goes into leaving him wanting more. You’re probably have to pick up the Pro System. I’ll link to that in the show notes. That will help you really understand how to take him from point A to point B. Eventually, if you can talk to him every single day, as late as 4:00 AM, dopamine is being released in the brain. He can’t fall asleep. He wants to talk to you.
You’ve just hit the attraction stage. That was your question. How do you get from attention to attraction? After you hit that attraction stage, it’s only a matter of time before you get him to commit to you. Then, of course, comes the attachment stage. That is closely associated with sex. I probably should have done a bit more research on how to get oxytocin released in a man’s brain without sex. I was winging the attachment part by myself. I knew that oxytocin was released after sex. It’s the cuddle hormone.
That’s what I think you need to do to make a man more attracted to you. This was a pretty interesting episode. I hope that a lot of you got something out of it. Shannon, I wish you the best.
In the show notes, I’m going to go through the two big stages that you’re going to be doing most of the work in. You can’t do much with attachment since it revolves around sex. I do not recommend having sex with an ex before he commits to you. Make sure you check out the show notes for more personalized advice, Shannon.
That’s going to do it for today. I really enjoyed recording this. This is a fascinating topic. Lately I’ve been trying to come out with more episodes like this that are action packed with fascinating information that you may not know. I wish you the best and hope you have a great week.