This is the most comprehensive guide to understanding what your ex says vs. what they really mean.
In this new guide we are going to be taking some of the most common things an ex will say during or after a breakup and dissecting them for you so that you can understand exactly what they mean.
Let’s dive right in.
What Your Ex Says Vs. What They Mean
We are going to be going through a lot of different things an ex will say.
For your reference,
- Your Ex Says They Hate You
- Your Ex Tells You To Never Talk To Them Again
- It’s Not You, It’s Me
- I Never Really Loved You
- I Still Love You
- We Are Never Getting Back Together
- I Don’t Want To Hurt You Again
- You Deserve Better Than Me
- We Can Still Be Friends
- I Never Loved You Anyways
- I Wish I Never Met You
- Your Ex Purposefully Avoids You
- Your Ex Hugs You
- You Need To Move On
- I Still Care About You
- They Blame You For The Breakup
- Let’s Meet Up And Talk
- Your Ex Is Being Overly Nice To You
- They Broke Up With You Without An Explanation
- I Want To Be Single And Have Fun
- I Want To Get Back Together
As you can see it’s pretty extensive. We thought we’d go overkill with it though and take each of these things your ex says or does and look at it in two different ways.
First we want to define the behavior or phrase.
Second we want to tell you what we think they actually mean
Pretty simple, right?
Let’s dive right in.
Your Ex Says He Hates You
(Jeez… Chill out Anakin.)
I want you to do me a favor for a second here.
(Really this is a favor for yourself)
Scroll back up to the top of this page and read the introduction section.
Do you remember what I said there?
I said that breakups tend to bring out the worst in people.
After all, there is a reason that they compare losing a job to going through a break up, it sucks.
So, when you place a man (who is more aggressive than a woman) in a situation where he is going to be hurt/upset then it isn’t shocking to hear the words, “I hate you,” come out of his mouth.
Take me for example, I am a pretty nice guy.
I always do my best to treat people with the utmost respect and I was raised to always respect women.
Pay for meals…
You know, all that good stuff.
Yet, when you take me back to my very first relationship way back when I was a kiddo in high school I am pretty sure that when the inevitable break up did happen (and high school breakups are often inevitable) I muttered the words, “I hate you,” to my ex.
But did I mean it?
Actually, you know what?
Take me out of the equation entirely.
Do men mean it when they say they hate you?
What Does He Mean When He Says “I Hate You?”
Lets tackle this question as logically as we can.
Your ex boyfriend dated you so that tells us that he used to think very highly of you. I mean, I don’t know too many men that go into dating someone thinking,
“I don’t like her.”
Throughout your time together he probably told you,
He loved you…
Cared for you…
That you were his “one and only…”
I think you get the idea with what I am going for here.
So, when you take this into account I am relatively certain that your ex boyfriend doesn’t truly hate you.
What he is really saying is that he hates what has happened to your relationship.
He hates the situation.
He hates the way it makes him feel.
He hates the pain.
And since you are associated with the pain he is feeling you are going to get blamed by association.
Hence the, “I hate you” mantra he has adopted.
Above I mentioned that I may have muttered the words, “I hate you” to the very first girlfriend I had way back in high school. Now, I know a high school relationship that happened close to ten years ago isn’t exactly going to bring earth shattering revelations but bear with me here as I try to make my point.
Do you think I meant it when I said it?
Of course not.
I hated the way I was feeling.
I hated having a failed relationship and all that depressing stuff I mentioned above (with the pain and all that.)
But I also knew that it would hurt my ex girlfriend if I said it to her and since I wasn’t exactly what you would call a seasoned veteran when it came to handling breakups yet I wasn’t above revenge.
This is horrible for me to admit but I was young so you have to realize the immature mentality I had.
I literally thought to myself,
“What can I say to my ex girlfriend to make her feel as horrible as I feel right now? Hmm.. I know, I will tell her that I hate her and I wish I had never met her. That will hurt her.”
That’s not a very mature way of handling things is it?
The important takeaway that I want you to take from this negative experience that I am sharing is that most men don’t mean it when they say they hate you. Instead they are just projecting on how they feel about the situation they are currently in.
Of course, some men will say it with the intentions of hurting you as well.
So, there are really two things that men are trying to say when they say they hate you.
- I hate you = I hate the situation
- I hate you = I hope this hurts you so you can feel how I feel
Lets move on to another ex boyfriend favorite,
“Never talk to me again.”
Your Ex Tells You To Never Talk To Him Again
There are really two situations that spring to mind when I hear from a woman who is wondering if her boyfriend really means it when he tells her to never contact him again.
- The couple got into a bad fight that culminated in the man saying “never talk to me again.”
- The woman constantly bugs the guy and he gets so fed up that he tells her to never talk to him again.
In order to fully understand what an ex boyfriend really means when he says never talk to me again we must first understand exactly what these situations look like.
Situation 1- A Bad Fight Results In The Man Telling The Woman To Never Talk To Him Again
Lets do our first role play!
Lets pretend that I am your boyfriend and the two of us got into a massive fight over your cat.
Fun Fact: I am definitely not a cat person (I’m allergic) so I can definitely see myself getting into a fight with someone over a cat.
So, we go back and forth over your cat and the fight starts to evolve as bad fights usually do. What started out as a “friendly” sparring session over you cat turns ugly when we drag all kinds of unrelated things into the fight.
My parents… (HOW DARE YOU)
My gigantic muscles… (seen above)
How the house never gets cleaned…
How I never take out the trash.
(You get the idea)
The fight gets so bad that we break up over it.
A few days pass after the break up and you attempt to reach out to me.
What is my response?
“I thought I told you to never talk to me again.”
What the heck do I mean by that?
Well, I will tell you in a second but first lets tackle the second situation I see a lot of when it comes to men saying, “never talk to me again,” to their ex girlfriends.
Situation 2- You Annoy Your Ex So Much After The Breakup That He Tells You To Never Talk To Him Again
Lets stick with the cat example above since we had so much fun with that.
So, the two of us used to date and we broke up due to a horrible fight over your cat.
After the breakup you realize that you made a horrible mistake and you want me back.
(It’s about time you came to your senses.)
Well, your strategy for getting me back involves messaging me about 30 times a day and calling me about 10.
Obviously I like the attention at first but then it gets to be a little too much and I begin to resent you for it.
Eventually your efforts get so out of hand that I can’t stand to hear from you anymore.
It is only when I am pushed to this point that I lay down the law.
“Don’t talk to me anymore.”
What It Means When An Ex Boyfriend Tells You To Never Talk To Him Again
Obviously since I divided this particular topic up into two different situations,
- The couple got into a bad fight that culminated in the man saying “never talk to me again.”
- The woman constantly bugs the guy and he gets so fed up that he tells her to never talk to him again.
There are two completely different meanings behind an ex saying “never talk to me again.”
Just like above I am going to divide this section up into two categories,
- What it means when an ex says “never talk to me again” in situation 1
- What it means when an ex says “never talk to me again” in situation 2
Lets start off on a good note first and talk about category number one!
What It Means When Your Ex Boyfriend Says “Never Talk To Me Again” In Situation 1
For those of you who have horrible memories situation 1 is a situation in which you and your ex boyfriend get into a massive fight and the fight is culminated with our five favorite words,
“Don’t talk to me again.”
The thing that you really have to keep in mind here is the fact that your ex is saying this from a highly emotional state.
Breakups have this funny ability to make even the nicest of people turn into angry lunatics.
(Seriously, I have seen it firsthand.)
So, if you got caught in the crossfire of a heated breakup and your boyfriend said this to you then don’t take it personally.
I am sure if he was honest with himself he really doesn’t mean it.
Besides, I can probably give you hundreds of examples where an ex boyfriend said this to an ex girlfriend and then HE ends up being the one that gets in contact with her.
Now, if you are wondering what is going on in his mind to make him say this in the heat of the moment then look no further than the curious case of emotional states.
I don’t care how “well behaved” a man is.
If you push a man hard enough you can always get him to say things he doesn’t mean.
We are dealing with a real life human being here and human beings are imperfect. They are going to say things they don’t mean from time to time. This is especially true if you get into a bad fight with one.
What it all boils down to is the emotional state that your ex boyfriend was in when he said “never talk to me again.”
Since we are looking specifically at him AFTER a fight you can bet good money on the fact that he was in a very negative emotional state and as a result he is going to say things that aren’t very logical.
In other words, he doesn’t mean it when he says “never talk to me again.”
But what about the other situation?
What It Means When An Ex Says “Never Talk To Me Again” In Situation 2
Situation 2 is vastly different than situation 1.
It looks specifically at a scenario where you (the ex girlfriend) goes a little crazy and contacts him too much.
How does that look?
Here’s a good example,
Notice how this girl, Cordelia, is sending waaaayyyyy too many messages to her ex boyfriend.
(Cordelia is a Buffy reference by the way 😉 .)
Though that’s not all that Cordelia is doing.
In addition to sending a bunch of unanswered texts she is also calling her ex boyfriend up.
Of course, holding true to his form he ignores the calls.
In fact, Cordelia is acting is being so annoying to him that he sends her what she considers to be the kiss of death,
There it is…
“Don’t talk to me again.”
But do you think her ex boyfriend means it?
Yes he does…
BUT ONLY IN EXTREME CASES.
I am going to tell you the story of a girl that I went out on a date with a long time ago.
Now, I did not have a relationship with this girl but the same principle is going to apply.
The two of us went out on one date and after some thinking on my part I decided to inform her in a subtle way that I was not interested in her. Now, I didn’t want to completely cut her out of my life. I was willing to remain friends with her and I explained this to her.
She did not take too kindly to this.
Instead of just remaining friends she treated me like I was some sort of boyfriend that scorned her.
She turned into a “Cordelia.”
Now, I am the kind of person that absolutely hates confrontation so I didn’t want to have to start a fight with her but I knew I was going to have to lay down the law when I got a similar text message to this one day,
Just to put this in perspective this wasn’t the first time something like this happened with this particular girl.
It was just the latest (and it was by far the worst.)
It was at this point that my “friendly” nature ceased to exist and Reid (as my wife likes to call him) came out.
Reid is my middle name in case you were wondering.
My wife likes to tease me that any time I get “moody” or “angry” that it’s really Reid and not me.
Well, Reid came out in spades.
This was my way of saying “never talk to me again” and I meant it.
In fact, I went so far that I blocked her number from my phone forever.
So, if you ever needed motivation to stop contacting your ex after the breakup this is it.
Let’s move on.
It’s Not You, It’s Me
Ah, the good ole, “it’s not you, it’s me” line.
I can’t hep it but every time I hear this I always immediately think of George from Seinfield.
(I attached a gif image at the beginning of this article depicting Georgie’s thoughts on this 😉 .)
Anyways, I just had to throw that in.
The thing I would like to turn your attention to when explaining this is that the phrase “it’s not you, it’s me” can take many forms.
Too many women think that those exact five words have to be muttered to them for them to be eligible victims and that’s just not true.
The “it’s not you, it’s me” line has many variations.
For example, lets say that the two of us were dating and one day I call you up and say,
“Hey, I had a really good time with you but I’m not feeling this anymore… It’s nothing you did but I think we just need to go our separate ways.”
Believe it or not but the phrase that I just muttered to you over the breakup phone call is a longer variation of the “it’s not you, it’s me.”
Seriously, really take a look at the phrase.
“Hey, I had a really good time with you but I’m not feeling this anymore… It’s nothing you did but I think we just need to go our separate ways.”
You will noticed that I bolded two parts.
Let’s dissect them.
“I’m not feeling this anymore”
By an ex saying this to you he is making you aware that he doesn’t have feelings for you anymore. That much is common sense. What you may not realize though is that by him saying “I’m not feeling this anymore” he is satisfying the “it’s me” part of the “it’s not you, it’s me” phrase we are dissecting in this section.
Lets move on the second part.
“It’s nothing you did”
Not too hard to dissect this one.
Your ex is basically telling you that you didn’t do anything to make him leave.
He’s informing you that you are innocent in this.
“It’s not you..”
Do you see what happened here?
I am waiting for a million light bulbs to go off…
The entire phrase above basically flip flopped the “it’s not you, it’s me” parts into “it’s me, it’s not you.”
It’s just harder to see since it is disguised cleverly around a lot of words but if you look hard enough (the bold parts) you will see it.
Lets move on to the fun part and dissect what your ex boyfriend really means if he gives you the Seinfeld excuse.
What He Means When He Says “It’s Not You, It’s Me”
Your ex boyfriend is a liar and I am going to prove why.
Let’s do a fun little exercise.
You know your boyfriend pretty well, right?
Which celebrity does he have a small crush on?
(Since I can’t hear your answers I am just going to have to make up one for you.)
Lets say that your boyfriend has a massive crush on Megan Fox (since she seems to be everyone’s definition of “hot” right now.)
Alright, so lets say that your ex boyfriend is dating the woman of his dreams, Megan Fox.
Realistically can you picture him telling Megan Fox, “it’s not you, it’s me?”
Heck, I can’t even picture him breaking up with her.
Look, any many who gives you this sch-peel of “it’s not you, it’s me” is lying to you.
What he is really trying to tell you is that “it’s you, it’s not me.”
Men don’t leave women who they think are worth it. They leave the women they think aren’t worth it. They leave the women that they think they can do better than.
Picture a scale of 1-10.
Let’s say that when your ex boyfriend first started dating you he determined that you were an 8 on the scale,
As your relationship goes on he lowers your value to a 6
Well, in his mind he is going to think “I can do better than her” at this point and that is where to start to see the “it’s not you’s, it’s me” come into play.
The truth is that in his mind it is you.
“It’s not me, it’s you” = “It’s you, it’s not me”
I Never Really Loved You…
If your ex boyfriend mutters these words to you then I imagine it must sting pretty badly.
I mean, saying “I love you” to someone and meaning it in that deep personal way is a big deal. So, to hear that your ex boyfriend could potentially be throwing all of that out the window is especially painful.
To be honest I am not sure that this one requires too much of a buildup.
Your ex boyfriend says “I never really loved you” to you…
There, build up done!
Actually, you know what?
I just thought of something.
Let’s generalize this.
If you really think about it an ex boyfriend who says that he never really loved you is probably doing so during a highly emotional moment. So, when I start explaining what he really means when he says this to you I want to operate under the assumption that he is in a highly emotional situation.
What constitutes as a high emotional situation?
- A breakup
- A fight
- Anything like these situations (I couldn’t think of anymore :p )
Ok, lets move on and dissect this one.
What It Means If He Told You That He Never Really Loved You
This situation is very similar to situation number 1 when a boyfriend tells you to never talk to him again.
If you recall, in that situation an ex doesn’t really mean it. He is just reacting to the situation he is in (which is highly emotional.)
Well, this situation is very similar to that except there is a small twist.
In my opinion, if an ex boyfriend tells you that he never really loved you he is just doing so to hurt your feelings and doesn’t really mean it at all.
Lets look at things from his perspective for a moment.
He is going through a breakup.
The two of you are probably fighting a lot.
He isn’t as good at handling his emotions as you are.
(In case you missed it I have talked multiple times at how men are more physical and woman are more emotional and this helps women handle their emotions better than men.)
Oh, and if you were the one that broke up with your ex boyfriend then it adds that extra little cherry on top.
From your ex boyfriends perspective you are the villain and what do men generally do when they come across a villain?
They try to hurt them and knock them down a peg.
So, what is the best way of accomplishing this?
Saying something super hurtful to you.
“I never really loved you” seems to do quite nicely in this circumstance, huh?
Thousands of women come to this site every single day and every single day they freak out over stuff like this. The truth of the matter is that I don’t even take it that seriously. I just look at it as an ex boyfriend trying to say something hurtful.
Deep down he doesn’t really mean it.
“I never really loved you” = What can I say to hurt her the most?
I Still Love You
Understanding this one is pretty self explanatory. Your ex at some point after the breakup literally tells you something like,
- I love you
- I miss you
- I can’t live without you
You know, that whole thing.
What makes this particular “says vs. means” question unique is that it’s less about reading between the lines and understanding what your ex is trying to tell you.
It’s more about determining whether your ex is being authentic with you.
So, are they?
Is Your Ex Being Authentic With You When They Tell You They Love You?
Well, this really depends on two things.
- The context in which your ex said they love you
- What they’ve done to prove it
Let’s talk a bit about each now.
Context is important.
A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to interview this lovely lady,
One of the things that struck me about her ex was how he literally told her that he loved her.
He showed up at her house and did it but alluded to this “big thing” he needed to tell her.
The “big thing” was that he loved her and wanted her back.
In this context him saying I love you tends to be more authentic.
On the other hand, if your ex is texting it to you with the intent of becoming friends with benefits then it’s a lot less likely that they mean what they are saying.
In fact, it’s a lot more likely that they are telling you what they think you want to hear in an attempt to sleep with you.
And then there’s the whole what have they done to prove that they’ve loved you bit.
Carl Jung once said,
“If you can’t figure out what someone is doing then simply look at the outcome.”
Well, we are going to take a cue from our friend Carl Jung here.
If you can’t figure out if your ex is being authentic when they say they love you simply look at what they do.
It’s not the sexy answer you want because it takes time. But it works and that’s more than I can say for a lot of advice out there today.
We Will Never Get Back Together
This is probably the whole reason you wanted to read this article anyways, right?
Heck, I wouldn’t even be shocked if you just scrolled straight down to this section and skipped all the others.
I will say one thing.
Without a doubt this is one of the top questions that I get asked on a daily basis.
Usually it goes a little something like this,
“Chris, my boyfriend told me that we have no chance of getting back together with him, ZERO. Do you think he’s right? Is it over for me?”
This is a question I can’t wait to tackle in-depth.
So, rather than spend 500 words setting this up I am just going to get right down to the meat of this.
What He Really Means When He Says You Two Will Never Get Back Together
Lets take a big view of exes in general.
More specifically, the industry I am currently a part of.
What if I were to tell you that this is a million dollar industry?
What if I were to tell you that your beloved Ex Boyfriend Recovery site is still a small fish in a big pond?
Would you believe me?
Well, it’s true.
There are hundreds of so called experts out there that are trying to capitalize on your dollars.
Now, that may be a scary thing for you to hear since the last thing you want is to be taken advantage of.
Oh, by the way you should check out my program, Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program 😉 .
No, I am just kidding.
The point I am trying to get at here is that the only reason that this industry is considered “thriving” is because couples do get back together. Heck, couples say the meanest possible things to each other and still get back together.
“I hate you…”
(Back together in a week!)
“Burn in he**”
(Back together in a day!)
(Back together in 3 months!)
If your ex boyfriend says that the two of you will never get back together again then I wouldn’t take it to heart because I have seen too much flip flopping in my time to buy into it completely.
Now, lets not completely discredit all men.
There are some that really do mean it when they say we are never getting back together again.
However, in my opinion I think them saying it is really a function of what was done to them in the relationship.
The Importance Of Percentages
I like assigning percentage values to situations based on how high the chances of success are for a reconnection.
This percentage number is assigned based on my personal knowledge and experience seeing a lifetime worth of breakups.
For example, a general breakup would have a 30% chance of a reconnection. What I try to do is help women move that number up substantially.
So, maybe a general breakup percentage starts at 30% but after using my strategies it gets bumped up to 50%.
Of course, not all breakups are created equal.
Some percentage values are much lower than the 30% mark.
For example, if you take two of the hardest situations,
- He Gets A New Girlfriend
Instead of those situations starting at the general 30% mark they would start at the 10 – 20% marks respectively.
Obviously these situations are harder to succeed in.
It is in these situations that an ex boyfriend would be more likely to mean it if he said, “we are never getting back together.”
Ok, let me dig a little deeper for you.
Lets say that the two of us were dating and you cheated on me with my best friend…
Actually, lets make things worse and say that I walked in on you and him in bed together.
Ok, not only would that scar/mess me up for life but if I would say, “we are never getting back together,” to you then I would mean it.
It’s these extreme situations that have a low percentage of success that you have to watch out for. Those are the types of situations where an ex boyfriend could mean it if he says that he never wants to get back with you.
Here’s a quick rundown of the situations where he could say “we are never getting back together” and mean it.
- He cheated on you
- You cheated on him
- He gets a new girlfriend
Now, before I finish this article up finally I want to make sure that you fully grasp what I am telling you here.
It is only in the most extreme situations where he might really mean what he is saying.
So, what it all boils down to is a function of how severe the damage during the relationship was to him.
We Are Never Getting Back Together = If you hurt me too much during the relationship I could mean this
Of course, I have also helped women get back with their exes in all the situation above so technically nothing is set in stone…
I Don’t Want To Hurt You Again
What the HECK?!?!
This is the most mind boggling statement he could make, right?
I’m going to give you the secret as to why he said this! Ready?
He’s just trying to come off as the good guy here. It’s really that simple.
“I don’t want to hurt you again”
He is making himself sound like the hero. He’s trying to sound like he’s protecting you but in reality he’s only being selfish.
What a hero, right?
What He Means When He Says I Don’t Want To Hurt You
It sounds like some kind of BS line to me. Let’s face it, if he really didn’t want to hurt you again, the solution is simple…
He shouldn’t do anything stupid. 🙂
There are a million different ways that he could hurt you. Let’s take a moment to dissect some of them.
The first one that comes to mind is Cheating.
Well, absolutely that would hurt you, but could he prevent this?
Yes, he most certainly can.
“I don’t want to hurt you again” statement doesn’t really hold up here.
What about if he was emotionally abusive?
He could go to therapy and get help. There are many things he could do to try to preserve your relationship instead of backing out and giving you the excuse of,
“I don’t want to hurt you again.”
But in this case I personally believe you should be the one breaking up with him anyway.
He could be afraid of commitment so as the relationship gets closer he is backing away.
You are looking for a life with him.
Marriage, children the whole nine yards but if he’s not ready to commit to you then he may use the line “I don’t want to hurt you again” especially if he’s expressed his feelings on the subject already.
We could go on and on all day about ways he could hurt you but when it comes down to it it’s a way for him to remove himself from the relationship and look like the good guy. Some guys really are that concerned with their image.
How do I know?
Well, I am a guy and I have actually seen this done first hand to a girl before.
YAY STORY TIME!
My best friend in college was what I would classify as a total ladies man. What do I mean by that?
Simple, this guy knew how to get a woman eating out of the palm of his hand. Now, I remember the first time I watched him work his voodoo on a girl I was impressed but after a while it became clear that the girl he worked “said voodoo on” was way more attached to him than he was to her.
Thus, a breakup was inevitable.
But my buddy was so obsessed with being perceived as the “good guy” that he decided to use the,
“I just know that if we keep dating I am going to hurt you and I don’t want that for you”
Tsk.. Tsk… Tsk….
All so he could protect his good guy image.
You Deserve Better Than Me
You know what’s funny about this? I’ve literally filmed a video and written an entire article about this very thing.
So here’s how this works.
Usually your ex is going to say something to you like, “We shouldn’t be together because I’m not good enough for you.”
“We shouldn’t be together because you deserve better than me.”
They frame the breakup as the selfless act on their part. As if they are a saint that can do no wrong and they put you above themselves.
Let me tell you what it really means.
What An Ex Saying “You Deserve Better Than Me” Really Means
I’ve long been a proponent that human beings are incredibly selfish when it comes to relationship decisions.
So, for your ex to frame themselves as one of the only altruistic individuals out there seems a bit fishy to me.
If you really think about it at its core a breakup is one party telling another party that they think they can find someone who can better fulfill their needs.
That seems pretty selfish to me.
However, no one likes to think that they are selfish. Also, no one likes to have other people think that they are selfish.
So, they spin this by reframing the breakup as if they are doing it for your benefit.
The reality is they just don’t want to be left with the blame. They want to retain your vision of them as a standup altruistic caring individual.
So, they manipulate you into thinking they are that.
When in reality they aren’t.
We Can Still Be Friends
I want you to take a moment and imagine something for me.
You are living the perfect life. You have a great family, a great job, great friends and a great boyfriend. But one day you notice your boyfriend has a very sad look on his face.
You’ve seen this look before.
It’s the look of a man who is about to deliver some bad news to you.
That’s when he does it.
He breaks up with you.
But he can’t help just adding in this one line…
You’ve been intimate on every level, emotionally and physically and he wants to be friends!?!?
At that moment it feels like he is trying to stay in your life and that’s good, right? WRONG!
What’s really going on in his head?
Why would he say that?
Does he actually mean it or is he just saying it?
Perhaps he wants to stay friends to have the possibility of getting back together in the future?
These are all questions you are probably found yourself asking.
I am going to give you the low down on all of these unanswered questions and really bring you into the mind of a male.
Are you ready?
It can be a scary place… but the good news is I am going to walk you through it and give you guidance on what to do if he says he just wants to be friends.
What Does He Mean When He Says We Can Still Be Friends
This is the easiest way for your ex to break up with you. He doesn’t have to hurt your feelings in his mind because he still wants to be friends. It also secures a backup girlfriend in case his “post you” dating escapades don’t work out.
Think of it this way, he’s got you on the sidelines waiting around for him while he does whatever he wants. He may even try a friends with benefits situation down the line.
Take a look at this graphic.
Through this graphic I am showing you what’s going on in his head.
Your lost in a sea of women.
Just another number.
But there are two ways to break this trick he’s pulling…
The best thing you can do in this situation is to say,
“Sure we can be friends” and then start your no contact.
The second thing is becoming an ungetttable girl. You can read more about becoming an ungettable girl here.
But I will give you a brief description of how to do both here. First off, you will have to go completely ghost on him. Do not answer his texts if he texts you. Don’t answer his calls. Don’t “accidentally” call him. 😉 (I see this happen daily) This is probably the most difficult thing that you are going to have to go through.
Your brain is hardwired to talk to him but like I said above, you can’t. So, I am going to teach you a trick that I don’t think I have ever talked about on Ex Boyfriend Recovery before.
I want you to write down his number on a piece of paper twice.
Put one in your dresser and one in a small lock box.
Now, go out and buy a calendar. It’s important that this calendar is something that you love to look at everyday. There are so many different ones out there, Island paradise calendars, pictures of Europe calendars, puppies, kittens, babies, hot air balloons etc.
Pick one that will make you feel good every time you look at it.
Put your calendar up in plain view where you will see it daily and circle the date that your no contact period is up.
Are you with me so far?
Ok, here comes the hard part.
I want you to delete his number!
That’s right, completely delete it from your phone. This way you will not have any temptations or “accidents.” You will still have his number in two different spots so you won’t have to worry about never getting it back again.
Oh and one more thing with regards to no contact.
Do not block him.
I repeat do not block him on anything. That will only make your life way harder. Just don’t answer any texts or calls that are from unknown numbers.
Let’s move on and talk about the ungettable girl.
I want you to take out that same calendar and mark a weekly goal. I want you to put something on there daily and do it.
For example, if you want to look your best maybe you would put:
March 1st- Hair coloring appointment.
March 2nd- Start Gym Membership. (Or specific workouts at home.)
March 3rd- Go to a makeup demo.
March 4th- Paint nails.
March 5th- Join a co-ed indoor soccer team.
You get the point.
Not only will this distract you and give you something to focus on other than your ex, it will give you confidence. You will look and feel your best!
The other part to being an ungettable girl is to become the girl that every man wants.
Even if you technically aren’t there are specific ways to portray this persona.
For example, when you finally go on that first date with your ex boyfriend walk in front of him since women typically walk in front of men on dates and look at a guy (who is not your ex.) The idea here is to make it look like this other guy is checking you out.
Let’s role play this for a second.
Lets say that I am a woman.
Let’s call me….
Isn’t that a pretty woman?
I certainly think so haha!
Anyways, lets pretend that I am on a date with my ex and I want to try this method out. I am walking into a restaurant and since my ex is a gentlemen he holds the door open for me. As I am walking in I notice that there is a man walking towards me. Well, I would look at him out of the corner of my eye.
Now, the important thing to understand here is that it’s obvious to this other man that I am looking at him. And what do people do when they are looked at?
THEY LOOK BACK.
But here is the most genius part.
My ex is behind me the entire time. So, even though I am technically the one who made the guy look at me, to my ex it looks like this guy is checking me out. Oh, and since I am such a good looking girl the guy “checking me out” smiles and nods.
Extra bonus points! 🙂
But lets get out of this fantasy world where I am a woman and come back to the real world where I am teaching you to become the ungettable girl.
Another interesting aspect of the UG is that they are always busy. You want to be independent. If you’ve been with your ex for a long time the chances are pretty high that you are depending on him too much. Whether it’s for emotional stability or happiness you will have to show him that you can be happy on your own. It’s nice to feel wanted and needed and he will miss that feeling after a while.
Overall, this situation is actually wonderful for a breakup because he’s thinking your going to be friends with him but little does he know he is getting the cold shoulder for a few weeks so he can reassess his decision and during this time your becoming a version of yourself that he have never met before.
Such is the path of the ungettable girl.
I Never Liked You Anways
So this is one of my favorite lines. “I never liked you anyway.”
You should be thinking,
“Come on, we’ve dated for 6 months, a year, two years and yet you threw away all of your precious time to a person you never even liked. HAHA”
It’s almost comical when a guy says this to his ex but it happens everyday.
It’s a very similar situation to the “I never loved you” comment that I’ve mentioned before. They are similar comments but ironically have completely different meanings. I think it’s safe to say that if your ex has told you that he never loved you the cut from that would be very deep. That is such a hurtful thing to say. Saying I never liked you definitely hurts but it’s a poor man’s “I never loved you.”
That’s the truth.
Why Your Ex Says He Never Liked You
Take my friend “Bob” for example,
(By the way Bob is a fake name for a friend.)
His girlfriend and him were dating for 2 years and they got into a heated argument and he brings out the world famous line,
You see, Bob and his ex were fighting over money which is one of the top reasons couples fight.
He had the gall to say, “I can’t believe you bought that $150 dress”
(This coming from a man who bought 3 video games that ended up costing the same as the dress.)
Guess what happened next?
Yup, you got it!
Bob’s ex went bat shit crazy and started throwing his games around while yelling and crying. Ultimately this was the last fight of their relationship. She walked out completely.
A few days passed and she started thinking to herself,
“Man, I think I made a mistake.”
So, she decided to call him again in an attempt to patch things up. But Bob, being the genius he is, decides to bring up the whole video game debacle again and the two of them started arguing again!
That’s when he said it…
“Well, I never even liked you anyways…”
Her heart dropped to the floor. She kept thinking,
“He can’t really mean that, right?”
So, why did Bob say it?
I remember asking him,
“Why did you say that to her?”
This was his response:
“I am just so sick of fighting with her. I just couldn’t take it anymore.”
Apparently Bob thought that this would be the easiest way to stop the fight and to get rid of her (for the time being.)
I Wish I Never Met You
Coming from a guy that probably said,
“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me”
“I’m so glad I met you”
Throughout your relationship.
It probably threw you off completely hearing him say I wish I never met you.
So, lets take a moment and dissect what’s really going on in his head.
What He Really Means When He Says I Wish I Never Met You
The truth is that it could mean several different things. The first thing that comes to mind is one of my favorite quotes from Good Will Hunting.
“Most days I wish I never met you because then I could sleep at night and I wouldn’t have to walk around with the knowledge there was someone like you out there.”
Something tells me your ex didn’t say it in this way, otherwise you probably wouldn’t be on this site.
But the light at the end of the tunnel is that what he really meant when he says he wishes he never met you is that he is very hurt by you. You’ve brought out such strong feelings that he cannot deal with. It’s actually not the worst thing when a guy reacts emotionally like this because it means that he has feelings towards you. Even if they are negative feelings, he still has passion when it comes to you.
If he was nonchalant and aloof then you should worry a little more.
Oftentimes men don’t know how to express themselves as well as women do and so they resort to the easiest thing that comes to mind.
It’s pretty childish really.
They say things they don’t mean and a lot of times they end up regretting it. It never feels good to fight. In the moment it relieves some stress but later people often feel bad about it.
I’d be willing to bet your ex will regret or at least feel bad about things he says to you in the heat of the moment at some point.
Even when he says things like “I wish I never met you.”
He Purposefully Avoids You
What does this look like?
Well, usually after a breakup there are a lot of complicated emotions.
Men and women react in all kinds of ways to these emotions. Some like to start arguments. Others like to run away.
With this particular action you are typically dealing with an ex who is trying to avoid interaction with you.
This can come in many forms.
- They don’t respond to your text messages
- They see you in the hallway and turn the other way
- They stop frequenting places that the two of you could intersect.
The question you are coming to me to answer is why?
What Does It Mean If An Ex Avoids You?
I’ve been on record saying that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.
So, I’m not going to sit here and lie to you and say that your ex avoiding you is a good thing it’s not.
What we have to look at though is if they are ghosting you or avoiding you.
Someone who ghosts you usually does that with the intent of never talking to you again (most realize their mistake or break this intent at some point.)
But I will say that if you have an ex who is avoiding you meaning they acknowledge you in these small ways but won’t engage with you directly it’s usually an indication that they are terrified of a confrontation.
We see this a lot in avoidant exes.
They view themselves as independent and not needing any outside drama to impact their lives but at the same time they crave closeness.
It’s a bit of a paradox but let’s continue walking this tight rope.
An avoidant ex will look at interactions with you as unnecessary drama and so they will avoid them.
The important thing to remember here is that it’s not anything you did wrong.
This is more about the narrative that is in your exes head.
So, it’s literally no use hyper analyzing the past and beating yourself up over it.
Avoidant exes usually do come around.
He Hugs You
This one is going to be naturally shorter because I don’t really have a lot to say about it.
Your ex hugs you.
This can be after a breakup.
This can be during a breakup.
They basically hug you.
Does it mean anything?
Does An Ex Hugging You Mean Anything?
The answer to this is that “it depends.”
- When the hug happens
- How meaningful the hug is
These are the two factors you are going to want to pay attention to.
Generally speaking if a hug happens at the beginning of a date then it’s not that meaningful.
If a hug happens at a breakup then it’s not that big of a deal.
If the hug happens after a date that has gone really well, it means something.
But how do you determine a meaningful hug versus a non meaningful one.
My go to has always been length of time hugged and gut feeling.
If your ex quickly hugs you at the beginning of a date that’s essentially the same thing as them saying hello.
But if it happens at the end of the date and the hug lasts for a long time.
Then it means something.
It’s not rocket science.
You Need To Move On
This one is pretty self explanatory too.
Your ex breaks up with you and at some point you either beg for them back or do something that makes them think you want them back.
To which they respond,
It’s actually not uncommon.
We’ve seen this happen a lot.
So, what does your ex mean?
What Your Ex Means When They Tell You To Move On
One of the first success stories that I ever interviewed was a woman by the name of Sarah Michelle,
At the very beginning of the interview Sarah says something interesting.
Her ex literally told her,
- I don’t care about you
- I don’t love you
- YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
And after going through our program (because it’s awesome) she came to find out that he didn’t really mean any of it.
This is a bit complicated to explain but if your ex is telling you to move on then they do mean it in the moment.
The key thing to wrap your head around is that “in the moment” part.
When your ex is telling you that they want you to move on they do want you to move on.
However, those feelings are subject to change and it’s not set in stone.
We also know from studying avoidants that they will tend to push you away when dealing with complicated emotions (like a breakup) and you just need to give them space which is definitely difficult to do.
I Still Care About You
Again, a very easy one to understand.
At some point after the breakup your ex says to you,
The real challenge with this phrase isn’t in identifying it but rather understanding it.
What Does Your Ex Mean When They Say That They Still Care About You?
I guess to further dive into that line of thinking we need to identify the context in which it was said.
Having an ex say,
“I care about you a lot but I’m just not interested in dating you right now”
Is a lot different than them simply saying,
“I care about you.”
So, here’s the general rule of thumb I like to tell my clients. If an ex is saying “but” at the end of the this statement it’s usually not authentic.
If they aren’t saying “but” at the end of the statement then the chances are higher that your ex is being authentic.
The Breakup Is Your Fault
We run across this a lot and I will say that understanding this one is actually a lot easier than identifying it.
Well, often times your ex can “blame” you for the breakup without actually blaming you.
In other words they think it as opposed to verbalizing it.
Pay attention to their body language when you talk to them. If you catch them rolling their eyes or scoffing when you say something it’s not a stretch to think that they blame you for the breakup.
Even if they broke up with you and caused the breakup.
What Your Ex Means When Your Ex Says The Breakup Is Your Fault
This is an interesting one to psychoanalyze because often times your ex becomes irrational about blaming you for the breakup.
Coach Anna and I did this really fantastic interview where we talked about anger and exes,
We basically concluded that a lot of times an ex grows angry at you irrationally because it’s easier to project their anger onto someone or something as opposed to themselves.
This is a perfect explanation of the “blame game” your ex is playing here.
I’ve rarely encountered a situation where one person is entirely to blame for a breakup.
So, what’s most likely happening is that your ex is blaming you so they don’t feel guilty about taking responsibility for the mistakes they made.
It’s a lot easier to say,
“You made me flirt with other people because you weren’t giving me what I needed in a relationship”
As opposed to the truth,
“I was too afraid to tell you what I needed to make the relationship work.”
And so they blame you because it’s the easiest thing to do.
Let’s Meet Up And Talk
This one is a fun one.
Usually it occurs in two distinct moments.
- Immediately after a no contact rule where you have ignored them.
- When things are going really good in the rapport building phase
At some point your ex just decides to blurt out,
Other variations of this include exes saying,
“Hey let’s grab a cup of coffee some time.”
So, do they mean it?
What Does Your Ex Mean When They Say Let’s Meet Up And Talk
Most of the time your ex is being authentic when they ask to see you.
However, there are two things I’d like to talk to you about with this.
The first is that you shouldn’t entertain the idea of meeting up exactly when they want to. In other words, it’s almost always better to accept but change the date.
Well, because of the second thing I’m going to talk to you about today.
We have noticed an alarming trend where exes give mixed signals. In other words, they are having this huge internal battle in their head and in the moment they feel like they want to see you but later regret it.
By extended the date you get to sniff out if this is happening.
My Ex Is Being Incredibly Nice To Me
I decided to include this one because a lot of our clients have a hard time understanding why their ex is being so nice to them after a breakup.
Usually this type of behavior will include,
- Saying nice things
- Asking you out to fun places
- You get it.
So, what’s going on here?
What Your Ex Is Doing When They Are Being Incredibly Nice To You?
Staying with our common trend here what you’re looking for is context.
In what context is your ex being nice to you?
Are they being nice to you because they want something?
I’m going to point you back to that Carl Jung line,
“If you can’t figure out what someone is doing then simply look at the outcome.
Actions are louder than words.
My main concern is that we’ve seen friends with benefits situations arise and those are always difficult to climb your way out of.
It’s a little like opening pandoras box.
A lot of men and women think friends with benefits are kind of obvious. That your ex will blatantly make their intentions known.
That’s not what happens at all. It’s usually messy and confusing and hard to find that line.
So, if you want to find out if your ex is being authentically nice to you because they care about you then simply take Carl Jung advice.
Look at the outcome.
Which will admittedly take time but you have time.
They Broke Up With You Without An Explanation
This one I consider to be the closure question.
Your ex broke up with you out of the blue without an explanation. You are left shell shocked and you don’t know how to react.
After the smoke clears you are left wanting an explanation or at the very least closure.
Why Your Ex Broke Up With You Without An Explanation
Instead of staying true to our format here in this guide I thought I’d change things up a bit since this really isn’t a traditional says vs means.
This is more like understanding the lack of closure that follows you around wherever you go.
So, why did your ex break up with you and not give you an explanation.
There are really two elements at work here.
- They don’t want to hurt your feelings
- Self preservation.
The truth is that they don’t think you can handle the true reason they broke up with you so they either make a fake one up or one that doesn’t make a lot of sense.
The self preservation part comes into play because if we’re honest your ex not telling you the real reason they broke up with you is so they still are looked at favorably by you.
I Want To Be Single And Have Fun
This one is kind of rare in my opinion.
Usually it happens during a weak or vindictive moment where they get overly angry and it slips out.
Or like I said, they want to be incredibly vindictive.
Most of the time your ex won’t blatantly say “I want to be single and have fun without you.”
Instead they’ll say,
“I want to move on…”
“I can find someone better than you.”
Not very nice, right?
So, does your ex mean it?
What Your Ex Means When They Say They Want To Be Single Have Fun
Remember a few phrases back when I mentioned that an ex can authentically mean something but change their mind later.
That’s kind of what happens here.
Having your ex say they want to move on to someone else is a classic grass is greener syndrome.
And the thing about GIGS is that sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t.
That’s pretty much this one in a nutshell.
I Want To Get Back Together
This one is perhaps the easiest one.
If your ex is telling you that they want to get back together they mean it…
And depending on your goals (especially if you bought our program to get your ex back) you should take them back.