What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back

How To Treat Your Ex Boyfriend Who Dumped You

Well, you had your cry. You allowed yourself the day or two of “ugly”.

You went to the closest bodega, or Target, in pajamas or yoga pants, and bought a ton of comfort food, and ate it.

You laid in bed for a day, and then your girl friends came over with wine and you dished.

You are now at the stage where you have splashed some water on your face, some de-puffing cream on those under eye shadows, and you’ve re-entered the world.

Is your head held high? It better be.

Did you pull together a good outfit? You better have.

Hair on point? You better believe it, sister.

Good. Because the beginning of this entire prescription is to ensure you feel great, and when you look great, you feel great. Never underestimate this as a woman in life. The more often you follow this principle, the more often you will project maximum confidence.

Now, there are several different scenarios which could have led to your Ex Boyfriend dumping you, and I will address each of them in turn. But, there is one, over-arching dictate which applies universally to these scenarios, and it is:

You Treat Him As If He Is Very Insignificant To Your Life At This Point In Time

So you got dumped. Are you going to let that break you? Heck naw.

Be merciless.

Be dominant.

Be a fighter.

Go listen to the Christina Aguilera song “Fighter” a bunch of times. You know that song? It has some great lyrics, including a rousing chorus:

“I want to say thank you
Cause it
Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me, a fighter”

It’s a fantastic anthem for those of us who triumph, and ensure this breakup is making you better, not breaking you.

In general, whenever you need a boost before you decide how to treat your Ex boyfriend, I encourage you to either listen to that song, or at least hear it in your head.

So, what’s your next move?

Hopefully, you have familiarized yourself with the concept of the No Contact Rule and you are committed to implementing it successfully. It’s the absolute cornerstone of getting your Ex back.

If, however, you are going to run into your Ex, either during No Contact, or after, you need to have a game plan. As they say, failing to plan is planning to fail.

So, I’m going to lay out a very simple process for you to follow. It’s foolproof, easy to execute, and effective. Before you read it though, I’ll explain why this is so effective. Pop some popcorn and pull up a chair. I’ll start with a little story about boys, girls, and happily ever after (ha!).

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“The Ick”

Let me tell you about something I call “The Ick.” The Ick was coined by one of my college girlfriends, Peg, and refers to that feeling you get for a guy that you were interested in, but at some point, you just . . . . aren’t anymore. You are dating this guy in some form or fashion, whether casually or seriously. And, you don’t hate him, at least not at first. But, you begin to enjoy his company less, for some reason or another.

Maybe you are put off by his housekeeping habits, or personal hygiene habits.

Or perhaps, although he’s really hot, he’s really not very intellectual, and he bores the stuffing out of you and might embarrass you in group settings.

Maybe he doesn’t get your jokes.

Maybe he makes too many jokes.

Maybe he’s always late.

For me, once, my boyfriend of nine months repeatedly spoke disparagingly about his own sister, and this left a bad taste in my mouth that I stopped being able to overlook.

So, you start noticing other guys and comparing him to them, unconsciously, or consciously.

Then, you don’t want him to put his arm around you, or kiss you.
Or sit next to you. Or open your door. Or call you.

You have the Ick.

It’s like a Seinfeld skit…

His transgression might be less of a transgression than just a characteristic, and often is nothing we could blame him for! Nevertheless, you are less interested, and once you have the Ick, it taints things.

And so, what do you do? You call him less, or return his calls less frequently.

Now, ask yourself, what is the WORST thing this man could do, at any stage of the Ick?

You got it – be clingy, needy, come around more, give you MORE of his presence, MORE examples of whatever ickiness was putting you off in the first place. Let’s illustrate:

  • You feel the initial Ick but can’t quite put your finger on why. He senses something is wrong so he overcompensates by coming on stronger. This causes you to pull back more.
  • You are noticing other men and comparing them to him. He’s right there, being his annoying self, presenting himself for the unfair comparison you are surely mentally making, and unable to defend himself.
  • You don’t want his physical affection, so he seeks out more. You are now getting repulsed by his touch. Your positive memories of intimacy with him are being replaced by repulsive ones.
  • You pull back and stop calling or hanging out as much, so he texts and calls more, blowing up your phone. This causes you to see him as a nuisance that needs to be eliminated as soon as possible.
  • You breakup with him.
  • What was his best move? The opposite of all of that.

Why did I go through this example? I know you are smart enough to answer that on your own, but I’ll spell it out.

Men and women are verrrryyy different, but not when it comes to the Ick.

The only thing that can cure it is for the Ick-carrier to remove him or herself from your presence. At any stage of the process above, if the Icky guy had disappeared for awhile, you might have missed him and realized he had a lot of good qualities. Instead, you got sicker and sicker of him, like when you eat too many donuts.

In order to “disappear” after the breakup, we prescribe the No Contact Rule. If Ick was a factor in your breakup, as it is in many, the No Contact period helps remove the taint. That’s why it is so important that you stick to it religiously, otherwise, little tendrils of the Ick can creep back in.

Now, as I said, the Ick isn’t the reason for every breakup. However – no matter why a particular breakup occurred, if you are forced to have contact with your ex in a way that you cannot control (due to work or social settings), the risk for Ick to develop after the breakup still exists! You could regain some power through the No Contact Rule, only to squander it by not acting appropriately when you run into him in person.

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How To Treat Your Ex When You Run Into Him

Therefore, let’s get to the meat of this article, which is how to treat your ex when you run into him after the breakup.

Now, as I mentioned, there are several scenarios you could be suffering through as you read this, and I’m going to address them individually.

  • He Dumped You For Another Girl
  • He Wants To Stay Friends
  • He Dumped You By Text, or Didn’t Give Any Reason
  • He Keeps Texting You Like Nothing Has Changed
  • He Says He Still Loves You

There may be even more than this, but these are the main ones we will delve into today.

So, as I mentioned before, the first order of business is to ensure that you look great and feel great. We will assume that you have to continue running into him on a regular basis. (Isn’t that the worst?)

There are a few universal rules to follow here, no matter what your specific situation is. Ready?

1. Look Amazing

Yes, girl! Let him drool over what he is missing out on! This is your time to shine!

Let’s face it, being in a relationship takes up time and resources that you can now redirect to yourself. Here are some ideas:

Give yourself permission to take extra time in the bathroom for beauty routines.

Buy a couple magazines and invite a girlfriend over to try new hairstyles.

Paint your nails regularly -it saves money at the salon and it’s fun!

Use those teeth whitening strips.

Give yourself facials. Exfoliate in the shower! Moisturize!

Do those squats and crunches in the morning and while you watch tv at night.

Spend some time browsing fashion blogs and revamping your closet to mix and match new outfits, and do a clothing swap with friends.

You know you didn’t have time for all of this when you were hanging with him all the time, so indulge yourself – you deserve it, and the results will be fabulous.

2. Always Be Classy

You will never regret taking the high road and holding your tongue, so when in doubt, smile and be classy. If you want to retain even the slightest possibility of maintaining a positive relationship with your Ex, and potentially getting him back, then you should be nice in your interactions with him. Ideally, you should be positive and show him that you are happy and enjoying life. Don’t be fake, or insincerely happy, but project as much confidence as you can. If you can’t be confident or happy, at least just be nice. That means no snarky comments, no sour facial expressions, and no obvious or veiled jabs at him.

What If… He Dumped You For Another Girl?

If your Ex dumped you for another girl, and you run into him, the way you act depends on whether you are still doing No Contact, or not. Definitely do No Contact, in case he had the Ick and you need to purge it!

If you are in No Contact, speak to him briefly and nicely, smile, then move along.

Go mingle and allow him to see you having fun, even if you are not.

If No Contact is over, you should talk to him, try to share a laugh together, and allow him to see what he’s missing, but always leave him wanting more. Naturally, you act like the entire situation doesn’t bother you whatsoever. Leave him thinking “Wow- I can’t believe she’s over me so quickly- did I make a mistake?”

As for the other woman? Never acknowledge the other woman’s existence unless she is literally standing there. If she is not there with him, do not bring her up or ask questions about her.

This is your mantra: She is really inconsequential or insignificant to you, because you have wasted no time moving on with your amazing life.

If she is in front of you, kindly greet her as you greet other amazing and strong women- quietly and warmly, look her in the eye, and smile. Then move on. You and her aren’t going to be friends, but you don’t need to be enemies. She should be intimidated by you, and wonder why on earth he broke up with you to be with her.

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What If… He Wants to Stay Friends?

If your ex “wants to stay friends,” you should still enact a No Contact period and move into texting phase.

Do your best not to see him during No Contact, but if you do, follow the two universal rules: Looking Amazing, and Being Classy. That’s about as friendly as you need to be during No Contact.

If your long-term goal is to get your Ex back, then you definitely don’t want to be “friend-zoned.”
Resist his attempts to make you his buddy. Instead, you should impose a “flirty/friend-zone” technique on him. This involves being flirtatious on some occasions, then switching it up and treating him as you would any of your girlfriends on other occasions.

For instance, when you want to flirt, maybe mention that you are hopping in the shower from time to time. Guys can’t help but have the image of you undressing when you mention this. Then, when it’s time to friend-zone him, ask him his opinion on your outfit when you are going out with other people. Then go out without him!

You could also ask him for his help moving furniture or something similar, and when he shows up, have someone else there to assist as well. This shows him he’s not that special, and makes him want to work harder to be a priority in your life.

What If… He Dumped You By Text, or Didn’t Give a Reason?

If your Ex dumped you by text, or didn’t even give you a reason, perhaps he had the Ick. You’ll need to purge that. You can either give him the courtesy of a brief response, or you can move immediately into No Contact. The brief response should look as close to the following as possible:

“Thanks for letting me know how you feel. I wish you all the best. You can pick up your priceless records between 2-4 tomorrow when Megan is here.”

If he doesn’t have anything important at your place, leave that sentence out, obviously.

Your text, or verbal response, should be as emotionless as possible. Don’t bother asking for any of your stuff back unless you absolutely can’t live without it. You can go get it after No Contact period is over.

Then, proceed to ignore him for the period of No Contact.

Alternatively, you can just begin the No Contact, without responding to him.
Either way, when you run into him, be friendly, smile, and keep the contact brief.

Don’t pretend like you don’t see him.

Don’t try to engage him in a long conversation.

Just let him see you being happy and having fun, even if you aren’t.

After No Contact is over, when you do run into him, you can talk to him for slightly longer periods of time. You should reference the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro Book to find out exactly how to do that the right way. Ask him questions about what he has been up to, and take the opportunity to nonchalantly share with him what has changed about you that might surprise him.

You want him to leave these encounters thinking

“I forgot all these great things about her, and . . . she’s different, too . . . I totally messed up! I want her back!”

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What If… He Keeps Texting You Like Nothing Has Changed

If your ex keeps texting you like nothing has changed, the No Contact period will reset the situation between the two of you. Things did change when he broke up with you, and they changed drastically. You need to focus on yourself after a breakup, as laid out above.

If you allow him to keep texting you, and respond back like you always do, or even perhaps a little more coldly, you are showing that you accept this behavior from him.

Do not accept it.

Take control.

Be a “Fighter.”

You are the star in your own life story.

Don’t be letting him write it for you.

When you run into him, be sure to demonstrate that you have changed. Naturally, you will Look Amazing and Be Classy. Let him know about the new hobbies you are involved in, or the plans you have coming up. You know, the ones where you are meeting all sorts of cool people… where he isn’t invited.

Trust me, he’ll start wanting that invitation!

What If… He Says He Still Loves You

If you have one of these Exes who continues to profess his love for you after the breakup, do yourself a favor and disregard his words. You don’t want his profession of love, you want a committed relationship with him, right?

That requires action.

So… until you see action to follow up the profession, don’t get too excited.

Men are perfectly capable of springing into action when they are properly motivated. But, most humans take any excuse to conserve energy. It’s a survival skill. Your Ex will conserve his energy, and feed you words, like “I love you,” to keep you around and interested, while lazily declining to make an actual commitment to you.

There are various reasons a guy might do this:

  • He wants to continue using you as an emotional crutch but doesn’t want to put in the effort to be a good boyfriend
  • He likes the things you do for him, but doesn’t want to have to live up to your expectations.
  • He’s too depressed or lazy or immature to be in a relationship
  • He wants to date around but still keep you as an option while still keeping his bachelor staus

In any case, the right move is to make sure and pay attention to when his actions don’t match up with words.

When they do though… that’s when you reward it with your own effort and commitment.

In the meantime until that happens, don’t say “I Love You” back to him. Don’t call him pet names like “babe” or “honey.”

Don’t give him girlfriend benefits just because he is saying he loves you. When he finally decides that he’s ready to get back together and make it real, then you can do all of those things together.

So, to review, the first day of your breakup, you are allowed to indulge yourself in grief.

But, then, when you re-emerge from No Contact, you will have a solid game plan. Really spend time focused on bettering yourself and figuring out what you want to personally accomplish going forward.

Immediately implement the No Contact Rule. And, when you run into your Ex, always make sure you Look Amazing and Be Classy, and purge any possible Ick by showing off your best self.

When in doubt, listen to your theme song, and keep your eye on the prize!

Now that you are fully equipped with how to handle each situation, let’s talk about your particular situation. In the comments below, tell me about your situation and what you have done so far. Then, our team of experts will help you figure out what you need to do as your next step in order to get your ex back.

		

Written by EBR Teamate

Tara O' Malley

74 thoughts on “How To Treat Your Ex Boyfriend Who Dumped You”

  1. Lisa

    January 20, 2018 at 4:32 pm

    Hi again Amor

    My ex sendt me a text on the 10th day of the nc, asking how i was doing and so on. I didnt reply, so he texted a questionmark the day after. I broke the nc, as you recommended, on the 12th nc day, saying shortly that I was still hartbroken, I still didnt understand why, and that if he was willing to, I had a lot of things I wanted to talk about, but unless he wanted to try, I could not speak to or se him anymore. He answered within 20 seconds saying “I really want to talk to you!! are you in town?” I have already left for holiday with my friends, and he is traveling tomorrow. So I replied one hour later and said just that, and that we would have to talk when we are both back home, and ended with “have a good trip” to end the conversation. He replied back 10 minutes later saying, “totaly fair!! where and with who are you going?” I have still not answered, should I answer? And I’m afraid I didnt express clearly enough that I wanted to see if we could work it out, or we cant have an relationship at all, and maybe he now thinks we could just be friends? Because I think he wants that, but I obviously dont want that. What sould I say when we meet? Should I post photos from my holiday? I know he will, and that he sees If i check them. Or should I wait with everything, until I ask him face to face is he wants to try us, and if he then says no, go into a proper nc?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 21, 2018 at 7:02 am

      You should post.. Just start out with asking how he is, his trip and then open up trying again and what you both can work out..if he doesn’t agree, tell him being friends is not workable right now and then start nc

  2. W

    January 20, 2018 at 5:22 am

    Hi amor , what if i actually deep down still wanting him back . What are his intention, i dont even know hmm

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 21, 2018 at 5:20 am

      That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t move on and just keep chasing…

  3. w

    January 19, 2018 at 5:43 pm

    Hey Amor, my ex just contacted me again. I actually ended NC a month ago and he contacted me 2 days before my NC ended and i replied him due to it’s a serious issue. We talked for a week and he just ignore my message one day. We dint talk since then but we meet up for sport every week without any interaction. Today he texted me out of a sudden asking me if i wanna go swim later, but i ignored because i dint know what to reply and what he wants. He been saying we cant get back tgt because it’s not the time and sort of we have different core values, but why he’s still contacting me. What should i do now Amor, should i reply anything?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 20, 2018 at 4:47 am

      Nope.. If you really want to move on, stop letting him use you as a friend..

  4. Lisa

    January 18, 2018 at 1:23 am

    Hi Amor,
    Thank you for responding. I’m now 10 days into the nc, do you mean I should brake it, to ask him if thats really the reason, and if we could work it out? He has not texted me yet, but i know he checks my social media, and he did say I should contact him when I felt ready for it. I know he would meet me now if I asked for it, and I do feel he has answered me honest, about not knowing precisely why he has feelt the way he felt, and being confused. But I do feel it would be good for him to (maybe) miss me for a period of time, and get his head and thoughts sortet. Should I break the nc?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 19, 2018 at 4:28 pm

      Yes. And if he doesn’t want to work it out, start nc..

  5. Sarah

    January 17, 2018 at 3:29 pm

    Hi – My LD boyfriend ended things with me a few days ago after 4 months. He said he’s a commitment phobe and finds it hard to settle down. He admitted that he liked the chase and once he got my attention he felt like that goal had been accomplished. He then went onto admit that he has a problem and for the first time seemed to genuinely open up to me. He said we are two different people and we wouldn’t work out. I never said anything, just accepted his words. Since that day he has called and texted me everyday. Although I am a little colder in my responses. I have since told him that I need a break from him for a bit, he accepted. Will the NC rule count if I have pre warned him that I don’t want to talk to him for?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 18, 2018 at 8:33 am

      Hi Sarah,

      well you didn’t tell him for how long you’re going to ignore him, so that’s ok..

  6. Mel

    January 17, 2018 at 2:51 am

    One year relationship with an amazing man. Very kind caring and sweet. Said and did all the right things. Except he has a huge drinking problem. We never argued, we were redoing a house together, he was exceptional to my son. After leave an extremely abusive relationship before him, I decided he was a genuinely great guy and opened my heart and trusted him. The only time we ever had any problems was when his drinking got out of hand. It was only on 3 occasion that he was absolutely out of control drinking and those time ended in arguing and him ultimately apologizing and begging forgiveness. I caved every time. But the last time was different. He decided he was done. He wouldn’t give me a reason why. I begged and pleated for an answer but never got one. He would just say you won’t change my mind. I’m standing firm on this. I just left it alone after that. We’re on day 21 of NC. I’m still hurt and confused but I’m taking this time to take care of me. I got a text from him on day 18 asking how my new job was going and asked for us to exchange our belongings. I didn’t want to break the NC, I’ve made it so far. I ignore the first text. Then came several others. So you’re not going to say a word? Just let me know when you can. So just text me when you’re available. And a couple others similar to these. I ignored them all. I got another one similar the next morning. I finally decided I had to break NC just bc he was asking for his personal belongings. I sent an upbeat text back that my job was awesome and said I’d let him know when I was available. He replied but I ignored it. 30 days of NC is in a week. I don’t want to exchange our stuff bc to me that’s the end. What do I even say after NC? Hey, come get your stuff now. ??? Seems kind of like the 30 days of NC were pointless in this situation. Any advise ??

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 18, 2018 at 7:29 am

      Hi Mel,

      it’s ok to talk about exchanging stuff during nc as long as it’s only about that.. The nc is for you to focus in improving yourself and in posting.. So, that you will be more rational, less emotional when you start building rapport again.. It’s not to make other change their mind.. If they do, good. If not, proceed with the process of slowly building rapport while continuing improving yourself.

  7. Lisa

    January 13, 2018 at 4:34 am

    Hi,
    (English is not my mother tounge, so pardon the language)
    My boyfriend broke up with me the first day after the christmasholidays. We are both 23 years old and have been together for 2,5 years. There was no signs before the holiday, and we were only talking about moving in together and I just took a job near his apartement to be closer to him, so the breakup was a shock for me. I did not know What to tell him when he told me, and i frankly find it hard to even remember what he said. Therefore for the next two days i sendt several texts asking why, and that i was shocked and in pain and so on. And that i could not understand How he could do this, and in this way. He answered every time, but did not have any reason to why he didnt love me any more, said that he was confused, and that he has loved everything about the last two yeas, but that he has had a bad feeling for the past month. He also said he was so sorry about the way and time he did it, and that he wanted to be there for me through this hard time. We are both under a lot off pressure from school right now, so he wanted to talk after our exams, “beacuse our relationship deserved it” I sendt one last text saying Sorry for being mean, and wished him good luck with exams. I started the nc period after that, and its been 6 days. I belive some of the reason he broke up with me was beacuse i was to busy and not speending enough time with him, not showing enough affection, so is it not a bad idea to pretend that i am super busy after the nc if that was a part of the problem? And not to be flirty is that was a problem as well? We have talked about the fact that we show love in different ways. We have a lot in common when it comes to core values and interest, i truely belive we could be the ones for eatch other. How can i show him that i really want this?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 15, 2018 at 11:33 am

      Hi Lisa,

      If that’s really the reason, why not talk to him about first? Ask him if that’s really the reason, if he says, talk to him if you could work it out. If he says no, then start nc…

  8. w

    January 10, 2018 at 4:57 am

    Hi Amor, it’s not true that i wont change. But the problem is i dont know what can i change. It’s not something very objective where you i change easily like cheapskate or simply throwing tantrum or anything. He just mentioned to me the way i talk like it would somehow affect him when he is with his friends. He said wtv i do will affect him and he dint want to be affected. Maybe this is the reason why he say he still love me but cant get back tgt… I brought him negative things more than compliment and especially when he wants face alot. What can i do now Amor?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 11, 2018 at 5:37 pm

      Frankly, that means you’re immature or to invested in him.. You have to have your own life and to be indifferent and mature.. That goes with any relationship whoever you’re with.. if he says you have different core values, then you have to move on.

  9. Lis

    January 9, 2018 at 6:45 pm

    I was dating a guy for almost one year.. things were awesome until he assumed a new project at his company and had to travel overseas often. He started to be super stressed and communicate poorly, but was still super sweet and caring. Last week, after talking a little about how to deal with the distance (its a 2 years project) he said he couldn’t handle the stress and be worried about me all the time altogether, that he would probably regret this later, but at this moment he thought it wasn’t fair he couldn’t give me the proper time or attention. At the same minute, i accepted and proceed with no contact. All of this happened trough text messages. I really think timing wasn’t in our favor, and i am not sure how to treat him or how long should i keep the no contact as i know in 30 days his project situation will not change… can you please give me some advice?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 11, 2018 at 4:53 pm

      Hi Lis,

      The nc rule is not for him to change. It’s for you to be less emotional, more rational and to start a new routine that you will maintain after nc while you slowly build rapport. And in your case follow this one:
      If You Had a Long Distance Breakup Here Is How You Get Back Together

  10. Shere

    January 9, 2018 at 12:02 am

    I texted my boyfriend on New Year’s eve to see if we had any plans. He replied “No ma’am!!!” I replied “Do you want to do anything with me?” A few days prior while on the way to his parents for Christmas we had a disagreement and didn’t talk for a few days. He said, “No.”
    So , I asked him “Are you breaking up with me?”
    He said yes.

    I asked why and he said because of the disagreement and because I opted not to watch a movie with him a few days prior. First he left and only came back with dinner for one. Then he started it without me while I went to go get food for me
    . He said it was because he saw I had a bowl of chilli earlier. I think it was because he didny want to pay for me. As of late he’s brought that up a lot. The disagreement is that he felt that I shouldn’t ask him for any help ($) while we are dating. I disagreed. We’ve been dating a year and a half. A month or so ago he started saying no when I asked for almost any kind of help including walking my dog. When asked, he said I didn’t owe him an explanation. I was laid off and was working part-time until my full time job started. I started feeling inadequate. I’m normally very independent.

    Side note: I am treated for depression and anxiety and tried explaining this too him – he’s on team ” it’s because I’m overdramatic “.
    He dismisses it. I’ve been taking my medicine regularly since I started a year and a half ago, but readily admit I am more emotional than average.

    Anyway he dumped me by text on New Year’s eve. I asked if we could hang out. He said he was not in the city. We talked about going together at Christmas. So, he left without telling me. I only knew because I texted him about whether we had plans. I haven’t heard from him in a week.

    Today he texts Hey!!! How are you?

    My first reaction is not to respond, but, I still have his house keys…

    I forgot about anything I left at his house.

    I still haven’t responded.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 10, 2018 at 6:17 pm

      Hi Shere,

      that’s good that you didn’t respond. Stick to nc and be active in improving yourself and in posting.

  11. Lia

    January 8, 2018 at 6:09 pm

    So something weird has happened to me and I don’t really know how to behave. This is going to be a longer post, so please bear with me if you can. Actual advice on this would be greatly appreciated!

    Last year right around this time, after having been treated really unlovingly by a guy who I had been dating for a few months, I went through emotional turmoil. I managed to get my life back together and after a few months I was ready to start dating again.
    In August last year I had a big trip to South East Asia planned but just a few days before that one of my ex coworkers who is closely involved in my group of friends and whom I had previously seen almost every week asked me out on a casual date. We had a lot of fun and continued to message each other every now and then during my 2 month trip to Asia.
    After I came back in October, he was the first person I hung out with and we sort of rushed into a thing without actually dating for a long period of time (we ended up having sex after a mutual friends birthday party).
    After that I dialed back a lot because I felt like I could be ruining our friendship and possible getting the chance to date a great guy without getting to know him, so I told him directly that I wasn’t looking for anything casual and that I wanted to either really date or leave it be.
    He agreed and we went on a few normal dates without getting intimate for a few dates. When we started having sex again, it felt very intimate and loving and we continued seeing each other once every week because we’re both on tight schedules.
    We went on fun dates and I really enjoyed my time with him but then I did something stupid. After a month of dating, I lashed out at him in the morning when he didn’t kiss me goodbye in public (even though he had done so before).
    Looking back, I think it was very immature of me because I didn’t communicate to him that I wanted to make it official and instead I just got angry when he didn’t figure it out by himself after only having dated for a month.
    I apologized the same day via Whatsapp memo and he sent one back explaining that I shouldn’t feel bad and that my reaction was natural but he also explained that we weren’t in a relationship.
    I told him that I understood but that if he didn’t want that to be the case, I could not continue seeing him like I was and we both agreed that it would be best to talk it out face to face.
    However we never got to do that because he grew quite distant and I was getting the impression that he was pulling a slow fade (in his defense, I have to say that he was also in his two weeks exam period and was studying a lot). We only texted twice in these two weeks as I was very busy too and I wanted to give him some space to miss me.

    When he finally messaged me I declined his offer to go out in order to make myself “rare” (advice I stupidly followed from a dating advice page ahahaha).
    I then texted him a few days later, jokingly asking if he planned on taking me out on a date anytime soon to which he responded “absolutely I meant to, but you were busy”.
    I told him that we could hang out on the weekend but he had his brother in law stay at his apartment for a week and said he didn’t know if he could make time so I just told him that it made me sad that we hadn’t seen each other in three weeks and that things weren’t working for me.

    I told him to call me on Christmas so we could speak but he didn’t so I finally called him after Christmas and he seemed very upset over the phone (I’m guessing he know that the break up was coming).
    I told him that I really liked hanging out with him but I just couldn’t deal with his distance right now and that I was scared of what would happen if we continued seeing each other. I also told him that I would have liked to talk it out in person but since he never reached out to me, I didn’t know how else to address it.
    He was really angry at first and finally ended up hanging up on me, after telling me that he only wanted to be friends, after I asked him whether or not he actually wanted to continue seeing me.

    I sent him a Whatapp memo after this and told him that I am not angry that he doesn’t want a relationship with me but that I was hurt at the way in which he treated me while at the same time saying that I didn’t mean to hurt his feelings either and that I still greatly value him as a friend (which I do to this day). I finally told him that I liked him a lot but that I didn’t want someone that doesn’t know what he wants and that I cannot be friends with him right now and that we both needed some space from each other. He messaged me back and thanked me for my message, saying that he would use this time in order to think about what he actually wanted and that he hopes that I will do well. We didn’t talk again after that.

    Fast forward to this Saturday. I knew he would attend a mutual friends birthday party and decided that bad blood wasn’t worth it. A lot of our friends, including his female cousin to which I am very close too, know about the stuff that went down between us and all of them said that we both acted stupidly and it should not have ended like that.
    When I saw him at the party, it was awkward at first but after I greeted him, we seemed to both be enjoying ourselves.

    Until I saw him sitting alone in some corner, drinking a glas of whiskey and smoking. After debating myself whether or not I should go up to him, I decided to talk to him and ask him how he was doing and he quite honestly answered that he wasn’t doing so well and that the whole thing has been messing with his head.
    He then asked me how my life had been to which I could only answer that a lot of positive changes have happened and that I was doing really well and that I had wanted to talk to him about it, but I didn’t feel like it was a good idea.
    He seemed really glad for me and we talked a lot about his exams and of the fact that he had felt very stressed and he finally opened up to me about one of his best friends recently having been diagnosed with cancer and him feeling very lost the past few weeks.
    I felt bad but I didn’t want to spend too much time dwelling after listening for a while I headed off. However we didn’t really stop seeking each other the whole night – he bought be a drink, I bought him one and so on and finally, after my initiation, we went outside and I told him I wanted to talk serious for a minute.
    We talked about how he had asked me in the beginning of dating, why I was so scared of relationships and I explained that this was the exact reason and that I regretted not having taken more time to actually get to know him. He agreed and said that he felt bad for making me doubt myself and not reaching out to me enough and not communicating in general. He then said that he was very insecure in relationships too and that they scare him just as much.
    We ended the talk on a more positive note and continued partying with our friends until we left.
    I had my longboard with me and had meant to ride it back home but when I was about to leave, he came after me and asked me to show teach him how to ride it. We spent a good and fun half an hour of attempting that and then walked back home for another 40 minutes during which he talked the whole time about plans that he had for his career and stuff that he wanted to reach in life and the motivation that keeps him going. All in all I thought it was a really deep and nice conversation and it really reminded me of how we used to be as friends and how much I missed that friendship but also him as my partner..
    We hugged goodbye and I left and we haven’t spoken or texted since but the more I think about it, the more I feel like reaching out.

    I don’t know if this is just me being desperate for intimacy or if I genuinely feel like we both let each other escape because we were scared of getting hurt/hurting each other and not really ready for anything serious. I want to try to be friends with him first and actually get to know him on a much more personal level, before deciding if I want to date him again but I don’t know how to make this clear to him without scaring him off so soon after our “break up”..

    I don’t know if I should hope for him to reach out or if I should show him that I want to see him again – party of me wants to wait and the other part once to tell him that his friendship is greatly missed. My friends are divided on their advice too but I guess they are biased in some way since they all know him.

    I’m really angry at myself for trying to force him into a relationship without actually getting to know him on that level first and also at lashing out because I was scared of getting hurt again, even though he is definitely not the same person as the last guy is.
    But I’m also angry at him for not being more mature and knowing what he wants or deciding not to communicate that to me. I don’t even know if I would prefer having my friend back or prefer to get another chance at dating him and actually seeing at where things will head that time. I’m afraid of a Ross & Rachel type of situation.

    Thank you so much for reading through all of this mess, advice is greatly appreciated! (:

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 10, 2018 at 1:28 am

      HI Lia,

      it was not wrong to decline his invite after him being distant but the better option was to decline at that day and then offer an alternative day that you’re good to go out. Well, it looks like you can restart slowly building rapport

  12. L

    January 7, 2018 at 7:36 pm

    Hi Amor, what if im the lck one ? And i ended up wanting him back but he doesnt because he claims that somethings couldnt be changed ? What can i actually do .

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 9, 2018 at 9:45 pm

      Is it true that you’re not going to change?

  13. Blue

    January 7, 2018 at 6:42 am

    Over one year ago my ex broke with me.
    My ex & I were in a 5 year long distance relationship, . He broke with me after he quit his job and his financial situation was really bad. I tried No Contact for 30 days. Then I resumed a contact by email, he was friendly, but that was it. Then, I stopped emailing him for 2 months. Last spring, out of the sudden he sent me short email “What’s up”, I answered & he never followed up again. I waited 2 months, sent him a b-day wishes, but again, he never answered.
    I never stopped chasing him online. He deleted his facebook account 2 months after breakup. Thought last year I checked almost everyday if he reopened it. Finally 2 months ago he opened a new account.. I sent him a friend request. Next morning I found out he accepted it. When I wanted to see his facebook page, I realized he already unfriended me. I have feeling he was only curious & wanted to see my fb account. I sent him a friend request again & this time he blocked me. Last week I noticed that he deleted his facebook account again.
    I must be obsessed. I can’t stop thinking about my ex. I know I really want him back. I don’t dare to send him email, esp after he blocked me. Do I even have a chance to get him back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 9, 2018 at 8:45 pm

      Hi Blue,

      To be honest, I think you should move on..

  14. Elissa M

    January 5, 2018 at 10:05 pm

    EBR Team Member: Amor

    January 5, 2018 at 9:44 pm

    Hi Elissa,

    If you just want to be friends, then to be frank you have to set your expectations lower because being friendly doesn’t mean he has an obligation to reply to you because you’re the one who wants to be more friendly and not him.. he probably doesn’t want you to expect much or mislead you by being too friendly.

    I was happy being friends for all that time because I had figured he was completely fine without me and going back to friends was as good as it was going to get. But recently the texts went from friendly/flirty to heavy flirty/even some downright sexual. I really did love this person and so I’m afraid of being played here so should NC just be my best bet at this point? He’s definitely managed to awaken the old feelings in me and then since he stopped answering to be honest I feel like I did something wrong. Is coming right out and saying that I don’t want to be played with emotionally just a bad idea?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 8, 2018 at 6:41 pm

      It is because it can be misinterpreted and he might think you’re angry.. Maybe he’s stopped talking to you, so he doesn’t lead you on more.. So, the better action right now is to let him be, give each other space, let him initiate and if he becomes flirty again and you can’t handle being friendly flirty with him, stop being friendly with him anymore…

  15. Ka

    January 4, 2018 at 3:36 am

    Hello. I appreciated your website. My ex fiance and I were together close to 2 years. He just broke up with me on Christmas day. I was so hurt it surprised even me because due to our fighting I was starting to really want to end it myself. But I saw a lot of good in him and thought maybe we could work it out. Since Christmas I have gone through the process of a break up. Grief, anger, hot and cold emotions. This entire time my ex became very nice and “caring” but it started confusing me so I went cold and stopped contact. I admit, I’m starting to feel ok. But on the flip side he has been contacting me non stop since the break up. The less and less I respond, the more he seems to contact me. This is not a game for me and honestly I’m kind of upset because it feels like a cat and mouse. So do I think he cares about me? Sometimes. So I think he is playing me? Sometimes. The last conversation we had, he was angry and said I don’t even try to fix things. I was shocked! I cried and embarrassed myself when he initially broke up with me and said how much I loved him and wanted us to work. He was so cold towards me. I tried a couple other conversations but he acted so arrogant after the last I initiated that I just accepted the decision right then and there internally and left. Hurt like the dickens! Now he keeps calling me and I’m getting tired of this all. I don’t want to be put through that pain again only for him to say at the end of the day that he doesn’t want to be together. So, how can I let go and live without that tug inside that says maybe THIS time around he WILL want me back and it will Work?

    Thanks,
    Ka

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 5, 2018 at 9:51 pm

      HI Ka,

      If you meant you’re moving on.. just don’t answer him and take it one day at a time.. the hurt will not disappear in just one day or one month.. slowly over time, it will.

  16. Kelly

    January 4, 2018 at 3:13 am

    My situation is a little reversed. I broke up with my ex. I was going through some issues and decided to go see a therapist for help and told him I needed space to work through my issues. This was 5 months ago. I got the ick for him and told him not to contact me anymore. I went a total of 30 days no contact, during which he continually texted me saying he missed me. In late November I finally replied to one of his texts which were much of the same, saying he thinks about me all the time, he misses me. Meanwhile, I see on facebook he has a new girlfriend, which is understandable considering we have been broken up for about 5-6 months. (I hadn’t seen him in about 4 months because I really wanted to focus on changing my life in therapy and needed time to myself to figure out what I wanted. I decided it was time to see him since he had been asking (he still has the girlfriend), we decided to be friends, but he says he can’t be just my friend, we continue to hang out, and then we went for drinks after the 6th time we hung out and unfortuantely ended up sleeping together, He told me he had been having lots of issues with his girlfriend and sadly it just happened. Now, I want him back but they are still together. I’m not sure what to do now, I unfortunately got a little emotional and told him over text I thought we should stop hanging out considering I was getting feelings for him and he has a girlfriend and I thought it wasn’t right to continue hanging out. He texted New years day saying happy new years I miss you. But, I think I ruined my chances by telling him we shouldn’t hang out anymore and am kind of not sure what to do now! Especially since he has a girlfriend. Is this all just too messy to get back into?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 5, 2018 at 9:50 pm

      Hi Kelly,

      You did the right thing because you’re showing him that you have standards and you respect his gf enough to stop what you were doing.. yes, restart nc and do 21-30 days..

  17. Elissa Murray

    January 3, 2018 at 10:31 pm

    I was left a few months ago by my most recent ex. It’s actually the ex before him-we’ll call him L- that is my problem. He broke up with me over text a few years ago when we had a communications breakdown and I felt his breaking up with me then was a reaction to realizing how attached he was getting when he couldn’t reach me right away and he was going to get out of it before he got too hurt. We had previously talked everyday.
    I did no contact for a long time and then we began talking as friends and it was fine as we had been friends through work for a few years before dating. It stayed friendly but lately his messages have become more and more flirty. I got over him a long time ago but I still hold some affection for him as we were friends and then partners. Now he has stopped contact completely and I reached out once since I figured it takes two people to keep conversations going but he responded once and then stopped. I haven’t responded since and find myself bewildered by this weird behavior and can only assume our friendship has changed again because I’m now single. My recent relationship was not good by the end so I’m not sad about it ending and I wonder if he has taken note of that. At this point I’m not trying to get him back (though not gonna lie we had a great relationship so it’s not a horrible idea in my mind if it were to head that way eventually ) I need time to heal myself from the last ex but I would be disappointed if recent life changes mean I can’t maintain a friendship with L anymore because he can’t decide if that’s what he wants or more than that. I don’t need my head to get played with anymore than it already has been and figure I can get better perspective from someone who isn’t involved in all this.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 5, 2018 at 9:44 pm

      Hi Elissa,

      If you just want to be friends, then to be frank you have to set your expectations lower because being friendly doesn’t mean he has an obligation to reply to you because you’re the one who wants to be more friendly and not him.. he probably doesn’t want you to expect much or mislead you by being too friendly.

  18. P.B

    January 2, 2018 at 8:07 pm

    Thank you Amor. Yes, I wanted to wish him happy new year as my final text before NC. That’s why I didn’t keep texting after his answer. So I’m already in NC, day 2. And it’s harder than the first time because then he was being distant and cold with me but now… But I know that this is the only way. My biggest fear is, as I always say, “the other women”, I feel that I need to be better than anyone he could meet and soooo perfect that he doesn’t mind the distance. So, super-super-super charged UG. It’s going to be hard but this is the only way.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 5, 2018 at 6:51 pm

      there will always be someone better, so, you have to remember, that you just need to be your best self for yourself..

  19. Ly Ann

    January 2, 2018 at 6:06 am

    Hi Ms.Amor,
    So this is how my story goes, my ex boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6years. We’ve been together since highschool. We have the same birthday. He’s my soulmate! We’re now both on 4th year college and both 20 yrs old. Our relationship had a bitter-sweet start. We were both so young and hasty when we started our relationship. I’m his first girlfriend, and he’s my first boyfriend as well. He’s my first love. My everything. Eventually we both had millestones in our separate lives, he was busy with studies and his hobbies, while i was busy with my businesses and school.

    I thought it was all going well, when that night of Dec.5,2017, we argued due to his jealousy about me going home late at night due to my business. And that my guy friends would drive me home to ensure my safety. He was always jealous about every guy friend i have. And i always remind him that it’s not like i’m going to replace him, i mean duh?! He’s the love of my life. He thinks i cheated on him, even when i really didn’t. So during that night, we argued, and he suggested that we took a break from our relationship, at first he suggested a cool off, and i agreed coz during that time we were both emotional(or maybe i was just the only one being emotional) he told me he just wants to find himself, be more closer to God, lessen his sexual desires for me, he wants to lessen his jealous attitude. He also suggested that we both should date other people, in order to discover how it feels like with other people, but he promised me that he will come back to me. He just wants to figure himself out. I believed him. He also told me he’s already started txting a girl(he mentioned the name)but just for his COMPANION and someone he can talk to. We both agreed that we would still contact each other, but just not sweet anymore. But during that period of Dec.15-18 , i contacted him but he doesn’t reply. I thought of really giving him the space he wanted but why won’t he just reply me? So i began going insane, trying to figure out what is happening. I started chatting him non-stop, and then he replied to me, told me i was selfish, that why couldn’t i just respect his decision, so he said that becoz of my selfishness he came up with a decision to just really BREAK UP WITH ME, he said he doesn’t wan’t me anymore, he doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore, that he just only want to be friends. He deactivated his facebook acct. and already told his family and friends that we’re over.

    And Just yesterday i found out that he created a new fb acct. and the girl he was txting with, they both had the same profile picture, so what does that mean? Are they only trying to take revenge on me? Trying to make me feel jealous? I don’t want him to be with that girl, maybe he’ll fall for her and getting me out of his life completely.

    But i don’t want to be friends. I still love him so much, i’m still willing to do anything just to get him back in my arms. What do i do? Please help me. I’m going insane… I just need real advice right now. I might end up suicide

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 5, 2018 at 6:28 pm

      Hi Ly Ann,

      call the suicide hotline in your country and talk to a friend. Check this one:
      How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back If He Thinks You Cheated But You Didn’t

  20. P.B

    January 1, 2018 at 3:02 pm

    Yesterday I wish him a Happy New Year. Today he answered and I didn’t respond anymore. I start my NC.I don’t know if I should keep texting but… If I do and he doesn’t answer, I’ll be worse. I thik that starting my NC with the last text being his could be better. I am very afraid and I’m guess I’ll read your posts about it over and over again in order to convince myself that this could work. I hope so.
    Many thank you… This is going to be hard and I’m more afraid than ever but in the bottom of my heart I know that the only way to get him back is that he chases me and for that I need to stop chasing and being there. I hope it works, I really need it.
    Thank you again for everything

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 2, 2018 at 6:48 pm

      If you keep initiating or replying if he texts you, that’s not nc.. Just focus in yourself and in the new routine you’re going to make and maintain..

  21. P.B

    January 1, 2018 at 11:36 am

    Thnak you Amor. Yes, I have read these posts but I will do it again. I know you’re right so I will try to make a sucessful NC and be the perfect UG. I already thought that I am doing a good job in social media but yesterday I confirmed it when a person who only knows me from that told me “you transmit pure joy and happiness”. Funny thing, I was crying when I read that (NYE is hard for me). So even if I’m devastated, I’m doing great with my posts, I’ll keep doing that.
    I will read again those posts, I’m always anxious that he may find another and have to compete with her. Sincerely, I don’t think he’ll find somebody better than me for him but closer, since he hates LDR and this is one of my main problems. I hope he notices the NC and my posts (I’m afraid he doesn’t be affected by them) and make him chasing me again, that’s the only way.

  22. Eva

    December 30, 2017 at 4:35 pm

    My Situation with my ex bf permantentely changes.
    We have been in a relatively toxic LDR.. toxic because lots of fights, different needs… as soon as things got heated up he stepped back or threatened to split up. I couldn’t give space to calm down on the other hand.
    Now we are split for nearly two months with regular contact though. I tried the NC,but mostly one of us reached out.

    Atm I am pretty relaxed and accepted the split up so far. I feel less controlling and take more time for myself. He on the other hand opens up more and we had again some flirty easy talk. He reached out to me after he received my present which I sent BEFORE break up.
    The thing is he treated me not well during relationship. He has his own demons to fight like depression and job lost.

    Now he was all sweet again calling me beautiful and that if I come over I should stay longer..over a year maybe.

    I want now to avoid being a booty call nor accepting his bad behaviour he had. I want him to regret his mistakes (he was on a dating site f.ex. when we were a couple) and I want him to miss me badly.
    Atm we have contact all 3 days and then it’s always positive and good.
    But what can I do now to make him miss me? Still No contact? But wouldn’t that be strange when we just built rapport? Or what else can I do that he sees me with higher value and not available all time?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 31, 2017 at 10:34 pm

      Hi Eva,

      You said it yourself. How are you going to convey you’re not available all the time if you’re always available?

  23. Lizzie

    December 30, 2017 at 1:49 pm

    Hi,
    I commented before on my ex and how he came back out of the blue asking to be friends. Im really worried that he likes a girl that he works with and im worried that they’ll end up together as i know she likes him back. what can i do about this? He says he doesnt know if we have a chance in the future and wants to hang out. He also said he wants to take things slow and not to rush anything but i dont want to end up getting hurt again. He said he doesnt love me anymore and is over me but still cares about me and wants to make sure im okay, please help!!!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 31, 2017 at 10:30 pm

      Hi Lizzie,

      if you want, treat it like they’re already together and follow the advise on this one:
      How To Win Back An Ex Who Is With Someone Else

  24. Regenia bell

    December 30, 2017 at 4:08 am

    I just wanted my own closure. I asked my ex to meet me at the first place we went out together. I was with him for four and a half years. Shared some good and bad times. Never stop loving him. Needless to say this year changed. He was hurt by me and things changed. He started seeing someone. And made a choice to b with her over me. Needless to say it hurt. BUT I EXCEPTED it. Today I needed to hear him say it that he wanted to stay with her. He told me. He stared he loved me always. BUT that’s who wants. He now stays with her with no job. I wished him well and told him as 2018 I can’t CONTACT him anymore. My heart has to over come this for my betterment. He said he actually loves her. AM done.

  25. Shaila

    December 30, 2017 at 12:53 am

    I started no contact 8 days ago. My ex wants to be friends. My ex tried to contact me a few times in the beginning, and he even called my best friend who is also a friend of his, asking her why I was ignoring him. She told him to give me space and that I’ll reach out when I’m ready. But all of a sudden last night (when he knew I was with this mutual friend), he texts me saying that he has an important problem and he needs to talk to me. He texts my friend as well, telling her that he needs to talk to me. I still refused to talk to him. He then goes on to tell my friend that he was always there for me whenever I needed him and that if I care about him as a friend then I’d talk to him if he has an urgent problem. Anyways so my he and my friend continue arguing: her saying I need space and him saying he really needs to talk to me. Eventually he responded late at night to her saying that since I can’t be there for him he’s just going to cut me out of his life. He told her he cares about me a lot but he’s going to stop trying to be my friend and that we should just live separately from now on. He sounded very final. I’m not sure what this means…is he just telling her this so that I feel bad and text him? or does he actually mean it?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 31, 2017 at 9:27 pm

      Hi Shaila,

      even if means it, it wouldn’t be helpful for you to be friendly with him now.

  26. Jamie

    December 29, 2017 at 9:38 pm

    My boyfriend of about a year dumped me. He gave multiple reasons. We never really had any serious arguments and got along well. My ex gave me several different reasons why he broke up with me, but the house all seemed like he was making up excuses to make me not feel bad. It boiled down to pretty much “it’s not you, it’s me.” He said he just wane to be friends and he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone right now. I made a couple mistakes at first and friend to convince him to give our relationship another chance.

    He dumped me October 1, I began no contact November 12, and ended December 12. During this time, I worked out, got a second job, and started studying for the MCAT. I sent him a text asking him advice on a game he plays someone bought for me. We texted back and forth a couple weeks. Then I asked him if he wanted to meet up, and he invited me to the shooting range with him. I didn’t bring up the relationship so that he didn’t become alarmed. We’ve been texting pretty regularly, with him initiating the text most days. He even bought me a Christmas gift. We’re shpposed to meet up again in a couple of days. I really don’t want to be friend zoned. What do you think? What should my next live be?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 31, 2017 at 9:18 pm

  27. P.B

    December 29, 2017 at 9:07 pm

    I am always obsessing about that he may know another girl, one who lives in the same city, and if he does…He’ll forget me. So…as you suggest, I’ll try he 45 days NC but what if he doesn’t notice? The maximum time without talking was like two weeks (except for the first NC) but… I am afraid he may forget me completly or if he mets another girl he will build a relationship with her and I loose him forever… I don’t know what to do. I need to be the UG but I must be better than any other girl AND the distance (he hates LDR) and I don’t know how to do it. And what if NC helps him to forget me forever? I just hae read your post “will he come back if I stop chasing him” and I loved it and I know that is right but I am scared… Many months had passed, that situation stucked in the friends + hard flirting zone, the distance, the possibility he met another girl… Will NC work? What can I do to be there without being there? Thank you again

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 31, 2017 at 8:00 pm

  28. Fara

    December 29, 2017 at 4:41 am

    I have couple with my ex for 3 months and now I’m in the middle of NC rules for 17 days. He do not send me any text and I’m also do not text him during this NC rules. He broke up with me because he say that he still trauma with their first ex which his had for 4 years in relationship. However it was 1 year ago. I do anything before I decide to do NC rules like begging him and I looked very desperate at that time. He say that he don’t want me to get too attached with him. We have a wonderful relationship and just have fight for one or two times. He say he just wanna be friend with me and if we are really meant to be together we will be together. But I really love and miss him so much. I don’t have idea either he also feel the similar feelings just like me. During my relationship, he was the first one to confess that he love me. And we start to be friend first then we decided to be a lover. But it was 3 months ago. What can I do right now.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 31, 2017 at 8:40 pm

      Hi Fara,

      did you mean your relationship was 3 months? How active are you improving yourself and in posting?

  29. Deedee

    December 29, 2017 at 2:18 am

    One year relationship where I was supposed to be strengthening myself and he found me. We had 3 dates and he moved quickly. He asked a million times for me to move in and I did after 2 months. It was beautiful until the fights began. I was self sabotaging because of trust issues and my past. He was selfish and a bit controlling. He never wanted to discuss and learn from arguments because he doesn’t know how to fight he claims. He usually did what he wanted and disregarded my feelings. I became alone in the relationship and I gave way too much because I loved him but started pulling away. He claimed he wasn’t good enough and hated the fights. He got distant. We have toxic communication. I left and moved out. 2 months of mixed signals from my end we began over. He was making the effort communicating but when we met he still had unresolved anger over my leaving and broke up with me via text. Over some weeks of ignoring him he came back and apologized for being stupid and wanted to actually give us a real chance. I fell for it and we started over properly. Things were amazing until 2 weeks later we had a big fight that turned him completely off and he broke up with me again. I was again disappointed and decided I am done with the bullshit and I stopped talking to him and began nc. I still love him but he does not have much emotional intelligence or he just can’t come to terms with the fact that he doesn’t want to be with me but can’t make the decision to end it finally. He still messages me through nc but I haven’t responded. I too need to make a decision. I don’t deserve a man who doesn’t choose me everyday. I deserve someone who will make me feel safe emotionally.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 31, 2017 at 8:29 pm

      That’s good.. how long have you been in nc?

  30. mareeka dookie

    December 28, 2017 at 10:38 pm

    One year relationship where I was supposed to be strengthening myself and he found me. We had 3 dates and he moved quickly. He asked a million times for me to move in and I did after 2 months. It was beautiful until the fights began. I was self sabotaging because of trust issues and my past. He was selfish and a bit controlling. He never wanted to discuss and learn from arguments because he doesn’t know how to fight he claims. He usually did what he wanted and disregarded my feelings. I became alone in the relationship and I gave way too much because I loved him but started pulling away. He claimed he wasn’t good enough and hated the fights. He got distant. We have toxic communication. I left and moved out. 2 months of mixed signals from my end we began over. He was making the effort communicating but when we met he still had unresolved anger over my leaving and broke up with me via text. Over some weeks of ignoring him he came back and apologized for being stupid and wanted to actually give us a real chance. I fell for it and we started over properly. Things were amazing until 2 weeks later we had a big fight that turned him completely off and he broke up with me again. I was again disappointed and decided I am done with the bullshit and I stopped talking to him and began nc. I still love him but he does not have much emotional intelligence or he just can’t come to terms with the fact that he doesn’t want to be with me but can’t make the decision to end it finally. He still messages me through nc but I haven’t responded. I too need to make a decision. I don’t deserve a man who doesn’t choose me everyday. I deserve someone who will make me feel safe emotionally.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 31, 2017 at 8:29 pm

      That’s good.. how long have you been in nc?

  31. AB

    December 28, 2017 at 8:08 pm

    I dated a guy for 3 months in which we first fought in mid November and he broke up saying we should stay friends. One week later, he came back. Then it went good for about two weeks but I fought with him again due to a very careless behavior of his. After that he made up his mind that we should stay only friends as he thinks we are incompatible and his feelings are gone. It has been almost a month now. We even lived together for a week midway but hardly any fruitful interaction. Now we talk only on text as friends and seems like he does not care now. He sends me snapchats everyday but no other text/call. I am the one who usually texts him.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 31, 2017 at 8:03 pm

      Hi Ab,

      do you want to try the nc rule?

  32. Curious

    December 28, 2017 at 7:50 pm

    I’ve done “no contact” several times. Every time I do, he initiates contact within a month or two. Every time, I give up and move on. I hear from him but he never follows through on plans. I decided the other day to build rapport and just treat him like a friend. It went well and he wants to help me fix things up at my house, which is fine but I’ve decided that I can’t do anything more than kissing and if he gets mad about it. I’ll just go back into “nc”. I think fooling around with him will make me come across as easy. I haven’t seen him in two years. He needs to earn it. I think the only way to gain his respect back is to stick to my guns and for him to realize that if it means losing him forever by not doing anything more than kissing then I’m willing to let him go. I know he wants sex but I also know that I’ll have a better chance of getting him back by not giving in and not caring if he walks away.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 31, 2017 at 8:01 pm

      yup, that’s the right way to think about it.

  33. P.B

    December 28, 2017 at 7:46 pm

    Thank you Amor.
    Yes, it may be a friendzone but it’s a weird one because he is always telling me that he still “desires” me, asking me for my pictures (and when I send him one, he almost overreact, he gets “crazy”) and all that… It’s a friendzone / almost friends with benefits (of course not, we are long distance and…I am avoiding that, I want him back, not that kind of relationship) situation. I’m stuck there. Friends + hard flirting but no more.
    Should I try that 45 days NC then? I’m afraid he may forget me…even more with distance. I’m very active in social media and my social life is fine but I am afraid he wouldn’t notice, I don’t know…

  34. Lizzie

    December 28, 2017 at 1:32 pm

    Hi,
    The most amazing thing happened last night… my ex text me out of nowhere making sure im okay since my dad died around christmas so he knows its a difficult time. He broke up with me about 2months ago and i did NC while improving myself. i know he and a girl he works with has a crush on each other but hes told me theyre just friends.Anyway,we were talking for most of the night and he was being lovely and i asked if maybe we could get back together and he said he didnt know what was going to happen.This morning again i asked if we might get back together and he said we were just friends but when i asked if he wanted to kiss me he said yes.He also said he just wants to take things slow and we’re going to meet up and watch a movie we’ve both wanted to see for a while. im not sure what i should do next,i feel like i should back off from talking about getting back together as i think this is putting him off. What should i do next and what should i do when i see him? Do you think he really just wants to be friends and nothing more? Thank you

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 28, 2017 at 8:17 pm

      Hi Lizzie,

      yup, you have to stop doing that because it makes you look like a chaser.. take it slow, let him work his way back to you.

  35. Naf

    December 28, 2017 at 9:56 am

    Does my boyfriend wants something more from me in his house?cause pushes me away when I want to hug him and he says doesnt like in poblic but he wants me touch him in public ?I asked him why my hug no but if i touch you is ok for you? but he wants to hug me in his house and it is been just 3months after our date and i think it is too soon to go to home?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 28, 2017 at 7:29 pm

      Hi Naf,

      looks like he wants to make you his friend with benefits.

  36. Curious

    December 28, 2017 at 12:35 am

    Been broken up with mine for two years. I’ll go no contact for a month or so and then hear from him. He asked to meet for drinks and I told him that if he was serious to schedule it. He didn’t. He blames me for the break up. I broke up with him and then he broke up with me b/c he didn’t feel I was totally into him. He has offered to help me with fix uppers at my house but I fear he’s using it as a reason to see me for sex, which I refuse. I don’t know if I should just keep it at kissing but I know he’s going to get pissed. I want more but not sex. I’m not sure how to handle it if he comes over. I say that I keep it at kissing and if he doesn’t like it and I don’t hear from him then I know that physical is all that he wanted. We texted last over 3 hours but I don’t intend to initiate contact again. He responded to my text the other day as well but gets mad if I don’t answer right away. It’s weird. It’s like he doesn’t want me but he wants me to want him. I’m afraid that if I do hold back that he will perceive it as games. He tends to perceive things that way when they truly aren’t.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 28, 2017 at 6:31 pm

      how many times have you done nc? setting ultimatums is wrong, like saying “If he’s serious, he would reschedule.” because if you meant you don’t want to meet him at night to avoid sleeping with him, just tell him thanks but you’re only available sched is lunch at this day..if he doesn’t say ok, I can go at that day, then let it go.. you have to let time and more instances pass to see if he’s really serious.

  37. P.B

    December 27, 2017 at 11:12 pm

    Thanks for anwsering. I’ve been building rapport since May-June, more or less. He started to initiate more conversations, even with “excuses” (asking things anyone could answer better than me) but other timmes he takes days fr answering… Now he is answering my Christmas message, one answer for day, no more. And he is more absent, not posting too much in social media and all… I don’t know if it’s for the situation (Christmas far from home, alone, much work), I guess… But I am always afraid that he may meet another girl. And I would like to be there for him but after these months, I only have the “friends” part and the attraction / flirting part. I need to recover the emotional connection, I know that e may have having a difficult time alone these days and I would like him to trust me, to need me… But this is something that I can’t control. I want to have more but I don’t know how…

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 28, 2017 at 6:24 pm

      if you’ve broken up since may, then yes, you are friendzoned.. since it’s your second nc, you have to make it your last and make it 45 days.

  38. P.B

    December 25, 2017 at 11:17 pm

    Well, he answered, not exactly distant but…not so receptive as another times. My texts didn’t have too much to answer but… I texted him something more and I don’t know if I crossed the line. I told him that could have a “present” for him, because he always wanted me to send him my pictures and call it “presents”, in or flirting zone. I don’t know if he is going to ignore me and… As I said in the other post, he is spending his first Christmas alone, and since he is very close to his family, he may not be very happy (well, in social media he seems to be). So I don’t know if he is not very recetive for me or for his situation. Should I go NC? I would love to be there for him, even with distance, but since the break up he never shares his emotional part with me (and I would need it, would be the way to get closer but…I can’t force him). I don’t know if I shoud text him in NYE and then going NC (without telling, obviously), not texting anymore… I don’t know. Until a few weeks ago he was being closer than ever and now… What should I do

  39. P. B

    December 25, 2017 at 2:59 pm

    I was in flirt/fried zone (we’ve months like that, after the NC month). But two weeks ago he stopped responding (last thing he said was that he is still attracted to me a lot). He s busy with work but he is in social media everyday at least for a while. He even ignored my Christmas greetings. However, after my text he watched my snapchats after monts without doing it. I don’t know why is he ignoring me. Well, sometimes he spends days without reading my messages but… This time is different, ignoring me in Christmas? Which he is spending alone for the first time because is is living away. What should I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 27, 2017 at 8:59 pm

      Hi Pb

      how long have you been building rapport?

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