By Tara O' Malley

Well, you had your cry. You allowed yourself the day or two of “ugly”.

You went to the closest bodega, or Target, in pajamas or yoga pants, and bought a ton of comfort food, and ate it.

You laid in bed for a day, and then your girl friends came over with wine and you dished.

You are now at the stage where you have splashed some water on your face, some de-puffing cream on those under eye shadows, and you’ve re-entered the world.

Is your head held high? It better be.

Did you pull together a good outfit? You better have.

Hair on point? You better believe it, sister.

Good. Because the beginning of this entire prescription is to ensure you feel great, and when you look great, you feel great. Never underestimate this as a woman in life. The more often you follow this principle, the more often you will project maximum confidence.

Now, there are several different scenarios which could have led to your Ex Boyfriend dumping you, and I will address each of them in turn. But, there is one, over-arching dictate which applies universally to these scenarios, and it is:

You Treat Him As If He Is Very Insignificant To Your Life At This Point In Time

So you got dumped. Are you going to let that break you? Heck naw.

Be merciless.

Be dominant.

Be a fighter.

Go listen to the Christina Aguilera song “Fighter” a bunch of times. You know that song? It has some great lyrics, including a rousing chorus:

“I want to say thank you
Cause it
Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me, a fighter”

It’s a fantastic anthem for those of us who triumph, and ensure this breakup is making you better, not breaking you.

In general, whenever you need a boost before you decide how to treat your Ex boyfriend, I encourage you to either listen to that song, or at least hear it in your head.

So, what’s your next move?

Hopefully, you have familiarized yourself with the concept of the No Contact Rule and you are committed to implementing it successfully. It’s the absolute cornerstone of getting your Ex back.

If, however, you are going to run into your Ex, either during No Contact, or after, you need to have a game plan. As they say, failing to plan is planning to fail.

So, I’m going to lay out a very simple process for you to follow. It’s foolproof, easy to execute, and effective. Before you read it though, I’ll explain why this is so effective. Pop some popcorn and pull up a chair. I’ll start with a little story about boys, girls, and happily ever after (ha!).

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“The Ick”

Let me tell you about something I call “The Ick.” The Ick was coined by one of my college girlfriends, Peg, and refers to that feeling you get for a guy that you were interested in, but at some point, you just . . . . aren’t anymore. You are dating this guy in some form or fashion, whether casually or seriously. And, you don’t hate him, at least not at first. But, you begin to enjoy his company less, for some reason or another.

Maybe you are put off by his housekeeping habits, or personal hygiene habits.

Or perhaps, although he’s really hot, he’s really not very intellectual, and he bores the stuffing out of you and might embarrass you in group settings.

Maybe he doesn’t get your jokes.

Maybe he makes too many jokes.

Maybe he’s always late.

For me, once, my boyfriend of nine months repeatedly spoke disparagingly about his own sister, and this left a bad taste in my mouth that I stopped being able to overlook.

So, you start noticing other guys and comparing him to them, unconsciously, or consciously.

Then, you don’t want him to put his arm around you, or kiss you.
Or sit next to you. Or open your door. Or call you.

You have the Ick.

It’s like a Seinfeld skit…

His transgression might be less of a transgression than just a characteristic, and often is nothing we could blame him for! Nevertheless, you are less interested, and once you have the Ick, it taints things.

And so, what do you do? You call him less, or return his calls less frequently.

Now, ask yourself, what is the WORST thing this man could do, at any stage of the Ick?

You got it – be clingy, needy, come around more, give you MORE of his presence, MORE examples of whatever ickiness was putting you off in the first place. Let’s illustrate:

  • You feel the initial Ick but can’t quite put your finger on why. He senses something is wrong so he overcompensates by coming on stronger. This causes you to pull back more.
  • You are noticing other men and comparing them to him. He’s right there, being his annoying self, presenting himself for the unfair comparison you are surely mentally making, and unable to defend himself.
  • You don’t want his physical affection, so he seeks out more. You are now getting repulsed by his touch. Your positive memories of intimacy with him are being replaced by repulsive ones.
  • You pull back and stop calling or hanging out as much, so he texts and calls more, blowing up your phone. This causes you to see him as a nuisance that needs to be eliminated as soon as possible.
  • You breakup with him.
  • What was his best move? The opposite of all of that.

Why did I go through this example? I know you are smart enough to answer that on your own, but I’ll spell it out.

Men and women are verrrryyy different, but not when it comes to the Ick.

The only thing that can cure it is for the Ick-carrier to remove him or herself from your presence. At any stage of the process above, if the Icky guy had disappeared for awhile, you might have missed him and realized he had a lot of good qualities. Instead, you got sicker and sicker of him, like when you eat too many donuts.

In order to “disappear” after the breakup, we prescribe the No Contact Rule. If Ick was a factor in your breakup, as it is in many, the No Contact period helps remove the taint. That’s why it is so important that you stick to it religiously, otherwise, little tendrils of the Ick can creep back in.

Now, as I said, the Ick isn’t the reason for every breakup. However – no matter why a particular breakup occurred, if you are forced to have contact with your ex in a way that you cannot control (due to work or social settings), the risk for Ick to develop after the breakup still exists! You could regain some power through the No Contact Rule, only to squander it by not acting appropriately when you run into him in person.

How To Treat Your Ex When You Run Into Him

Therefore, let’s get to the meat of this article, which is how to treat your ex when you run into him after the breakup.

Now, as I mentioned, there are several scenarios you could be suffering through as you read this, and I’m going to address them individually.

  • He Dumped You For Another Girl
  • He Wants To Stay Friends
  • He Dumped You By Text, or Didn’t Give Any Reason
  • He Keeps Texting You Like Nothing Has Changed
  • He Says He Still Loves You

There may be even more than this, but these are the main ones we will delve into today.

So, as I mentioned before, the first order of business is to ensure that you look great and feel great. We will assume that you have to continue running into him on a regular basis. (Isn’t that the worst?)

There are a few universal rules to follow here, no matter what your specific situation is. Ready?

1. Look Amazing

Yes, girl! Let him drool over what he is missing out on! This is your time to shine!

Let’s face it, being in a relationship takes up time and resources that you can now redirect to yourself. Here are some ideas:

Give yourself permission to take extra time in the bathroom for beauty routines.

Buy a couple magazines and invite a girlfriend over to try new hairstyles.

Paint your nails regularly -it saves money at the salon and it’s fun!

Use those teeth whitening strips.

Give yourself facials. Exfoliate in the shower! Moisturize!

Do those squats and crunches in the morning and while you watch tv at night.

Spend some time browsing fashion blogs and revamping your closet to mix and match new outfits, and do a clothing swap with friends.

You know you didn’t have time for all of this when you were hanging with him all the time, so indulge yourself – you deserve it, and the results will be fabulous.

2. Always Be Classy

You will never regret taking the high road and holding your tongue, so when in doubt, smile and be classy. If you want to retain even the slightest possibility of maintaining a positive relationship with your Ex, and potentially getting him back, then you should be nice in your interactions with him. Ideally, you should be positive and show him that you are happy and enjoying life. Don’t be fake, or insincerely happy, but project as much confidence as you can. If you can’t be confident or happy, at least just be nice. That means no snarky comments, no sour facial expressions, and no obvious or veiled jabs at him.

What If… He Dumped You For Another Girl?

If your Ex dumped you for another girl, and you run into him, the way you act depends on whether you are still doing No Contact, or not. Definitely do No Contact, in case he had the Ick and you need to purge it!

If you are in No Contact, speak to him briefly and nicely, smile, then move along.

Go mingle and allow him to see you having fun, even if you are not.

If No Contact is over, you should talk to him, try to share a laugh together, and allow him to see what he’s missing, but always leave him wanting more. Naturally, you act like the entire situation doesn’t bother you whatsoever. Leave him thinking “Wow- I can’t believe she’s over me so quickly- did I make a mistake?”

As for the other woman? Never acknowledge the other woman’s existence unless she is literally standing there. If she is not there with him, do not bring her up or ask questions about her.

This is your mantra: She is really inconsequential or insignificant to you, because you have wasted no time moving on with your amazing life.

If she is in front of you, kindly greet her as you greet other amazing and strong women- quietly and warmly, look her in the eye, and smile. Then move on. You and her aren’t going to be friends, but you don’t need to be enemies. She should be intimidated by you, and wonder why on earth he broke up with you to be with her.

What If… He Wants to Stay Friends?

If your ex “wants to stay friends,” you should still enact a No Contact period and move into texting phase.

Do your best not to see him during No Contact, but if you do, follow the two universal rules: Looking Amazing, and Being Classy. That’s about as friendly as you need to be during No Contact.

If your long-term goal is to get your Ex back, then you definitely don’t want to be “friend-zoned.”
Resist his attempts to make you his buddy. Instead, you should impose a “flirty/friend-zone” technique on him. This involves being flirtatious on some occasions, then switching it up and treating him as you would any of your girlfriends on other occasions.

For instance, when you want to flirt, maybe mention that you are hopping in the shower from time to time. Guys can’t help but have the image of you undressing when you mention this. Then, when it’s time to friend-zone him, ask him his opinion on your outfit when you are going out with other people. Then go out without him!

You could also ask him for his help moving furniture or something similar, and when he shows up, have someone else there to assist as well. This shows him he’s not that special, and makes him want to work harder to be a priority in your life.

What If… He Dumped You By Text, or Didn’t Give a Reason?

If your Ex dumped you by text, or didn’t even give you a reason, perhaps he had the Ick. You’ll need to purge that. You can either give him the courtesy of a brief response, or you can move immediately into No Contact. The brief response should look as close to the following as possible:

“Thanks for letting me know how you feel. I wish you all the best. You can pick up your priceless records between 2-4 tomorrow when Megan is here.”

If he doesn’t have anything important at your place, leave that sentence out, obviously.

Your text, or verbal response, should be as emotionless as possible. Don’t bother asking for any of your stuff back unless you absolutely can’t live without it. You can go get it after No Contact period is over.

Then, proceed to ignore him for the period of No Contact.

Alternatively, you can just begin the No Contact, without responding to him.
Either way, when you run into him, be friendly, smile, and keep the contact brief.

Don’t pretend like you don’t see him.

Don’t try to engage him in a long conversation.

Just let him see you being happy and having fun, even if you aren’t.

After No Contact is over, when you do run into him, you can talk to him for slightly longer periods of time. You should reference the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro Book to find out exactly how to do that the right way. Ask him questions about what he has been up to, and take the opportunity to nonchalantly share with him what has changed about you that might surprise him.

You want him to leave these encounters thinking

“I forgot all these great things about her, and . . . she’s different, too . . . I totally messed up! I want her back!”

Free On Demand Coaching
Yes, please

What If… He Keeps Texting You Like Nothing Has Changed

If your ex keeps texting you like nothing has changed, the No Contact period will reset the situation between the two of you. Things did change when he broke up with you, and they changed drastically. You need to focus on yourself after a breakup, as laid out above.

If you allow him to keep texting you, and respond back like you always do, or even perhaps a little more coldly, you are showing that you accept this behavior from him.

Do not accept it.

Take control.

Be a “Fighter.”

You are the star in your own life story.

Don’t be letting him write it for you.

When you run into him, be sure to demonstrate that you have changed. Naturally, you will Look Amazing and Be Classy. Let him know about the new hobbies you are involved in, or the plans you have coming up. You know, the ones where you are meeting all sorts of cool people… where he isn’t invited.

Trust me, he’ll start wanting that invitation!

What If… He Says He Still Loves You

If you have one of these Exes who continues to profess his love for you after the breakup, do yourself a favor and disregard his words. You don’t want his profession of love, you want a committed relationship with him, right?

That requires action.

So… until you see action to follow up the profession, don’t get too excited.

Men are perfectly capable of springing into action when they are properly motivated. But, most humans take any excuse to conserve energy. It’s a survival skill. Your Ex will conserve his energy, and feed you words, like “I love you,” to keep you around and interested, while lazily declining to make an actual commitment to you.

There are various reasons a guy might do this:

  • He wants to continue using you as an emotional crutch but doesn’t want to put in the effort to be a good boyfriend
  • He likes the things you do for him, but doesn’t want to have to live up to your expectations.
  • He’s too depressed or lazy or immature to be in a relationship
  • He wants to date around but still keep you as an option while still keeping his bachelor staus

In any case, the right move is to make sure and pay attention to when his actions don’t match up with words.

When they do though… that’s when you reward it with your own effort and commitment.

In the meantime until that happens, don’t say “I Love You” back to him. Don’t call him pet names like “babe” or “honey.”

Don’t give him girlfriend benefits just because he is saying he loves you. When he finally decides that he’s ready to get back together and make it real, then you can do all of those things together.

So, to review, the first day of your breakup, you are allowed to indulge yourself in grief.

But, then, when you re-emerge from No Contact, you will have a solid game plan. Really spend time focused on bettering yourself and figuring out what you want to personally accomplish going forward.

Immediately implement the No Contact Rule. And, when you run into your Ex, always make sure you Look Amazing and Be Classy, and purge any possible Ick by showing off your best self.

When in doubt, listen to your theme song, and keep your eye on the prize!

Now that you are fully equipped with how to handle each situation, let’s talk about your particular situation. In the comments below, tell me about your situation and what you have done so far. Then, our team of experts will help you figure out what you need to do as your next step in order to get your ex back.

81 thoughts on “How To Treat Your Ex Boyfriend Who Dumped You”

  1. Confused Forfa

    October 16, 2018 at 9:39 pm

    I did the no contact rule for at least 2 months and then my X came to help me with my projector which gave me a problem last week. We had some fun though as X’s. He even tried to kiss me and touch me and I refused (at first if I may say). Next he called me to his house and I tried refusing but I gave in. At his place he started kissing me and tried to be intimate which I wasn’t comfortable to do. Unfortunately I gave in again andi feel low about it. He told me how much he missed me but sad he said he had moved on but the girl was just a “rebound”. Thats according to him. I didn’t like what I heard so I stopped communicating. Until today i bumped into him with the girl he talked about. I was so nervous that i wished i could varnish in thin air. He greeted me as I passed and I did too. My bad I walked back to greet this lady, smiled and asked a bit about herself. She first said she is his girlfriend and “dude” spoke something and she changed her statement and said, “no I’m not his girlfriend”. It was so awkward that I couldn’t stay there for long. My X took my hand and wanted to kiss it, which I refused and said bye. I walked away but I felt unstable. I love him and I felt jealous (though I didn’t show). I don’t know what to do next. Is he going to strive back to me or I did bad? Did I do the right thing? Was I supposed to move him from her and do some drama? What next… I’m confused. Help me tuckle this one so I know if I have lost him forever.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 17, 2018 at 12:52 am

      Hi there!

      Best to have an ex recovery plan. I know if can feel confusing, but if you have a blueprint to follow on how you can get him back, it smooths things out. Go visit my home page and check out the resources there!

  2. Sarah

    April 14, 2018 at 4:02 pm

    My ex and I still live together, he’s moving out next month. I initiated the no contact period, but when he texts me do I just ignore him? Or do I be short? Or do I be flirty? When I first initiated the no contact, he kept trying to make conversation with me when we were both home, but now it seems like he’s trying to “get me back” by not talking to me either. He only texts me if it’s asking me a question about something. So how do I respond? Do I even respond?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 18, 2018 at 5:03 am

      In my massive ebook, “The No Contact Rule Book”, I get into all that and more. It really depends on a lot of factors. The signs are good here. Just make sure you have a game plan to follow. Without knowing all the details, No Contact is pretty hard to pull of when you are still living together. You guys are in the feeling out stage of possible reconciliation. Try being nice and supportive and see if he reciprocates and then go slow with the positive flow. Ride it.

  3. Mika

    February 22, 2018 at 12:15 am

    Girls, listen up. Getting your ex back is not that hard. I will now tell what would work on me.

    1. Admit your own mistakes and give sincere apology (after no contact)

    Leave your pathetic ego behind and show some maturity by owning your dark side and take responsibility of your own shitty behavior. It is not needy. You have no idea how much I respect this approach and you would make my heart melt by doing that.

    2. Focus on becoming the best woman you can ever be.

    Go to see therapist. Read some self help books. Get a new hobby. Meditate. Do whatever you need to do.

    Its not that hard. No games or bullshit strategy needed. Just be authentic and open without being desperate. If he does not take you back, he is not your guy. Then you can just move on. All kind of manipulation, strategy etc is needy and deceptive crap.

  4. Dstar

    February 14, 2018 at 8:21 pm

    Hello,

    So I’ve been toying with the idea of reaching out to someone who is not a close friend of mine to get a more unbiased opinion. After almost, and I say almost 4 years of dating and once move across the country, I was dumped a day before our 4 year anniversary.

    We were in a good place, or so I thought, there was no fighting, but no real growth in our relationship either, and then one night he sits me down and tells me that we need to talk. He goes on to say that the relationship is over and that there is no chance that in the future he will want to revisit it again.

    I was blown away because never in my mind did I think this was how our relationship would meet its end. He said that he had been thinking about it for a while and that he had to try and shut down relationship mode and come to terms that he would never see the dogs we shared again in order to go through with the break up. He said that he needed to be sure that he could live without me and if he could he was going to break up with me.

    I, naturally, objected, stating in the heat of the moment how unfair it was to blindside me like that, and how tragic it was that it only took him a few weeks to rid himself of 4 years together. The following days I tried to get him to talk more about it, ie his reasoning behind such a serious choice. However, he was very shut down, only stating that he was sad and didn’t want to talk about it.

    I have managed to get some points of clarity over the past few weeks, the break up happened about 3 weeks ago, and he says he’s now at a point where he doesn’t know if he wants to get back together, which is different than his previous statement of never again. He says the he is very broken and has checked out of relationship mode and doesn’t know if he can get himself back to that place, at least not with me.

    I know that I should not keep on pressuring him to talk about the situation if he is not ready. Sometimes I just speak my mind and have him listen.

    After all this has happened, I realized a lot of the stuff I’ve done in the past, during our relationship can be construed as hurtful behavior and I explained to him, that even though he thought I was being mean to him, it didn’t mean I didn’t love him. I think part of him convinced himself that I did not love him and that when he broke up with me, I’d agree and we’d part as friends. I’ve tried to reassure him that I did love him, and still do.

    What I need help with the how to win him back, obviously, but no, in all seriousness, I’m stuck because in my mind he has not definitively ended the relationship, but I also don’t want to keep trying and breaking my heart over and over.

    I want to try and give him the space and time that he needs, but at the same time I want to preserve my sanity through all this. Oh here’s the catch, we live together. I have moved into the guest room in an effort to give him some space, but we share a house and 2 dogs.

    I know that if I continue to pressure him into talking I could lose him for good, but I’m also not so sure I haven’t already lost him. He has told me that he sees himself as single and that’s just the way it is in his head. I, on the other hand, am still hanging on to hope.

    If there is any advice you can provide, or some sort of virtual hug, or even a dose of reality, please feel free to lay it on me.

    Thank you!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 18, 2018 at 11:12 pm

  5. Lisa

    January 20, 2018 at 4:32 pm

    Hi again Amor

    My ex sendt me a text on the 10th day of the nc, asking how i was doing and so on. I didnt reply, so he texted a questionmark the day after. I broke the nc, as you recommended, on the 12th nc day, saying shortly that I was still hartbroken, I still didnt understand why, and that if he was willing to, I had a lot of things I wanted to talk about, but unless he wanted to try, I could not speak to or se him anymore. He answered within 20 seconds saying “I really want to talk to you!! are you in town?” I have already left for holiday with my friends, and he is traveling tomorrow. So I replied one hour later and said just that, and that we would have to talk when we are both back home, and ended with “have a good trip” to end the conversation. He replied back 10 minutes later saying, “totaly fair!! where and with who are you going?” I have still not answered, should I answer? And I’m afraid I didnt express clearly enough that I wanted to see if we could work it out, or we cant have an relationship at all, and maybe he now thinks we could just be friends? Because I think he wants that, but I obviously dont want that. What sould I say when we meet? Should I post photos from my holiday? I know he will, and that he sees If i check them. Or should I wait with everything, until I ask him face to face is he wants to try us, and if he then says no, go into a proper nc?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 21, 2018 at 7:02 am

      You should post.. Just start out with asking how he is, his trip and then open up trying again and what you both can work out..if he doesn’t agree, tell him being friends is not workable right now and then start nc

  6. W

    January 20, 2018 at 5:22 am

    Hi amor , what if i actually deep down still wanting him back . What are his intention, i dont even know hmm

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 21, 2018 at 5:20 am

      That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t move on and just keep chasing…

  7. w

    January 19, 2018 at 5:43 pm

    Hey Amor, my ex just contacted me again. I actually ended NC a month ago and he contacted me 2 days before my NC ended and i replied him due to it’s a serious issue. We talked for a week and he just ignore my message one day. We dint talk since then but we meet up for sport every week without any interaction. Today he texted me out of a sudden asking me if i wanna go swim later, but i ignored because i dint know what to reply and what he wants. He been saying we cant get back tgt because it’s not the time and sort of we have different core values, but why he’s still contacting me. What should i do now Amor, should i reply anything?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 20, 2018 at 4:47 am

      Nope.. If you really want to move on, stop letting him use you as a friend..

  8. Lisa

    January 18, 2018 at 1:23 am

    Hi Amor,
    Thank you for responding. I’m now 10 days into the nc, do you mean I should brake it, to ask him if thats really the reason, and if we could work it out? He has not texted me yet, but i know he checks my social media, and he did say I should contact him when I felt ready for it. I know he would meet me now if I asked for it, and I do feel he has answered me honest, about not knowing precisely why he has feelt the way he felt, and being confused. But I do feel it would be good for him to (maybe) miss me for a period of time, and get his head and thoughts sortet. Should I break the nc?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 19, 2018 at 4:28 pm

      Yes. And if he doesn’t want to work it out, start nc..

  9. Sarah

    January 17, 2018 at 3:29 pm

    Hi – My LD boyfriend ended things with me a few days ago after 4 months. He said he’s a commitment phobe and finds it hard to settle down. He admitted that he liked the chase and once he got my attention he felt like that goal had been accomplished. He then went onto admit that he has a problem and for the first time seemed to genuinely open up to me. He said we are two different people and we wouldn’t work out. I never said anything, just accepted his words. Since that day he has called and texted me everyday. Although I am a little colder in my responses. I have since told him that I need a break from him for a bit, he accepted. Will the NC rule count if I have pre warned him that I don’t want to talk to him for?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 18, 2018 at 8:33 am

      Hi Sarah,

      well you didn’t tell him for how long you’re going to ignore him, so that’s ok..

  10. Mel

    January 17, 2018 at 2:51 am

    One year relationship with an amazing man. Very kind caring and sweet. Said and did all the right things. Except he has a huge drinking problem. We never argued, we were redoing a house together, he was exceptional to my son. After leave an extremely abusive relationship before him, I decided he was a genuinely great guy and opened my heart and trusted him. The only time we ever had any problems was when his drinking got out of hand. It was only on 3 occasion that he was absolutely out of control drinking and those time ended in arguing and him ultimately apologizing and begging forgiveness. I caved every time. But the last time was different. He decided he was done. He wouldn’t give me a reason why. I begged and pleated for an answer but never got one. He would just say you won’t change my mind. I’m standing firm on this. I just left it alone after that. We’re on day 21 of NC. I’m still hurt and confused but I’m taking this time to take care of me. I got a text from him on day 18 asking how my new job was going and asked for us to exchange our belongings. I didn’t want to break the NC, I’ve made it so far. I ignore the first text. Then came several others. So you’re not going to say a word? Just let me know when you can. So just text me when you’re available. And a couple others similar to these. I ignored them all. I got another one similar the next morning. I finally decided I had to break NC just bc he was asking for his personal belongings. I sent an upbeat text back that my job was awesome and said I’d let him know when I was available. He replied but I ignored it. 30 days of NC is in a week. I don’t want to exchange our stuff bc to me that’s the end. What do I even say after NC? Hey, come get your stuff now. ??? Seems kind of like the 30 days of NC were pointless in this situation. Any advise ??

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 18, 2018 at 7:29 am

      Hi Mel,

      it’s ok to talk about exchanging stuff during nc as long as it’s only about that.. The nc is for you to focus in improving yourself and in posting.. So, that you will be more rational, less emotional when you start building rapport again.. It’s not to make other change their mind.. If they do, good. If not, proceed with the process of slowly building rapport while continuing improving yourself.

  11. Lisa

    January 13, 2018 at 4:34 am

    Hi,
    (English is not my mother tounge, so pardon the language)
    My boyfriend broke up with me the first day after the christmasholidays. We are both 23 years old and have been together for 2,5 years. There was no signs before the holiday, and we were only talking about moving in together and I just took a job near his apartement to be closer to him, so the breakup was a shock for me. I did not know What to tell him when he told me, and i frankly find it hard to even remember what he said. Therefore for the next two days i sendt several texts asking why, and that i was shocked and in pain and so on. And that i could not understand How he could do this, and in this way. He answered every time, but did not have any reason to why he didnt love me any more, said that he was confused, and that he has loved everything about the last two yeas, but that he has had a bad feeling for the past month. He also said he was so sorry about the way and time he did it, and that he wanted to be there for me through this hard time. We are both under a lot off pressure from school right now, so he wanted to talk after our exams, “beacuse our relationship deserved it” I sendt one last text saying Sorry for being mean, and wished him good luck with exams. I started the nc period after that, and its been 6 days. I belive some of the reason he broke up with me was beacuse i was to busy and not speending enough time with him, not showing enough affection, so is it not a bad idea to pretend that i am super busy after the nc if that was a part of the problem? And not to be flirty is that was a problem as well? We have talked about the fact that we show love in different ways. We have a lot in common when it comes to core values and interest, i truely belive we could be the ones for eatch other. How can i show him that i really want this?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 15, 2018 at 11:33 am

      Hi Lisa,

      If that’s really the reason, why not talk to him about first? Ask him if that’s really the reason, if he says, talk to him if you could work it out. If he says no, then start nc…

  12. w

    January 10, 2018 at 4:57 am

    Hi Amor, it’s not true that i wont change. But the problem is i dont know what can i change. It’s not something very objective where you i change easily like cheapskate or simply throwing tantrum or anything. He just mentioned to me the way i talk like it would somehow affect him when he is with his friends. He said wtv i do will affect him and he dint want to be affected. Maybe this is the reason why he say he still love me but cant get back tgt… I brought him negative things more than compliment and especially when he wants face alot. What can i do now Amor?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 11, 2018 at 5:37 pm

      Frankly, that means you’re immature or to invested in him.. You have to have your own life and to be indifferent and mature.. That goes with any relationship whoever you’re with.. if he says you have different core values, then you have to move on.

  13. Lis

    January 9, 2018 at 6:45 pm

    I was dating a guy for almost one year.. things were awesome until he assumed a new project at his company and had to travel overseas often. He started to be super stressed and communicate poorly, but was still super sweet and caring. Last week, after talking a little about how to deal with the distance (its a 2 years project) he said he couldn’t handle the stress and be worried about me all the time altogether, that he would probably regret this later, but at this moment he thought it wasn’t fair he couldn’t give me the proper time or attention. At the same minute, i accepted and proceed with no contact. All of this happened trough text messages. I really think timing wasn’t in our favor, and i am not sure how to treat him or how long should i keep the no contact as i know in 30 days his project situation will not change… can you please give me some advice?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 11, 2018 at 4:53 pm

      Hi Lis,

      The nc rule is not for him to change. It’s for you to be less emotional, more rational and to start a new routine that you will maintain after nc while you slowly build rapport. And in your case follow this one:
      If You Had a Long Distance Breakup Here Is How You Get Back Together

  14. Shere

    January 9, 2018 at 12:02 am

    I texted my boyfriend on New Year’s eve to see if we had any plans. He replied “No ma’am!!!” I replied “Do you want to do anything with me?” A few days prior while on the way to his parents for Christmas we had a disagreement and didn’t talk for a few days. He said, “No.”
    So , I asked him “Are you breaking up with me?”
    He said yes.

    I asked why and he said because of the disagreement and because I opted not to watch a movie with him a few days prior. First he left and only came back with dinner for one. Then he started it without me while I went to go get food for me
    . He said it was because he saw I had a bowl of chilli earlier. I think it was because he didny want to pay for me. As of late he’s brought that up a lot. The disagreement is that he felt that I shouldn’t ask him for any help ($) while we are dating. I disagreed. We’ve been dating a year and a half. A month or so ago he started saying no when I asked for almost any kind of help including walking my dog. When asked, he said I didn’t owe him an explanation. I was laid off and was working part-time until my full time job started. I started feeling inadequate. I’m normally very independent.

    Side note: I am treated for depression and anxiety and tried explaining this too him – he’s on team ” it’s because I’m overdramatic “.
    He dismisses it. I’ve been taking my medicine regularly since I started a year and a half ago, but readily admit I am more emotional than average.

    Anyway he dumped me by text on New Year’s eve. I asked if we could hang out. He said he was not in the city. We talked about going together at Christmas. So, he left without telling me. I only knew because I texted him about whether we had plans. I haven’t heard from him in a week.

    Today he texts Hey!!! How are you?

    My first reaction is not to respond, but, I still have his house keys…

    I forgot about anything I left at his house.

    I still haven’t responded.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 10, 2018 at 6:17 pm

      Hi Shere,

      that’s good that you didn’t respond. Stick to nc and be active in improving yourself and in posting.

  15. Lia

    January 8, 2018 at 6:09 pm

    So something weird has happened to me and I don’t really know how to behave. This is going to be a longer post, so please bear with me if you can. Actual advice on this would be greatly appreciated!

    Last year right around this time, after having been treated really unlovingly by a guy who I had been dating for a few months, I went through emotional turmoil. I managed to get my life back together and after a few months I was ready to start dating again.
    In August last year I had a big trip to South East Asia planned but just a few days before that one of my ex coworkers who is closely involved in my group of friends and whom I had previously seen almost every week asked me out on a casual date. We had a lot of fun and continued to message each other every now and then during my 2 month trip to Asia.
    After I came back in October, he was the first person I hung out with and we sort of rushed into a thing without actually dating for a long period of time (we ended up having sex after a mutual friends birthday party).
    After that I dialed back a lot because I felt like I could be ruining our friendship and possible getting the chance to date a great guy without getting to know him, so I told him directly that I wasn’t looking for anything casual and that I wanted to either really date or leave it be.
    He agreed and we went on a few normal dates without getting intimate for a few dates. When we started having sex again, it felt very intimate and loving and we continued seeing each other once every week because we’re both on tight schedules.
    We went on fun dates and I really enjoyed my time with him but then I did something stupid. After a month of dating, I lashed out at him in the morning when he didn’t kiss me goodbye in public (even though he had done so before).
    Looking back, I think it was very immature of me because I didn’t communicate to him that I wanted to make it official and instead I just got angry when he didn’t figure it out by himself after only having dated for a month.
    I apologized the same day via Whatsapp memo and he sent one back explaining that I shouldn’t feel bad and that my reaction was natural but he also explained that we weren’t in a relationship.
    I told him that I understood but that if he didn’t want that to be the case, I could not continue seeing him like I was and we both agreed that it would be best to talk it out face to face.
    However we never got to do that because he grew quite distant and I was getting the impression that he was pulling a slow fade (in his defense, I have to say that he was also in his two weeks exam period and was studying a lot). We only texted twice in these two weeks as I was very busy too and I wanted to give him some space to miss me.

    When he finally messaged me I declined his offer to go out in order to make myself “rare” (advice I stupidly followed from a dating advice page ahahaha).
    I then texted him a few days later, jokingly asking if he planned on taking me out on a date anytime soon to which he responded “absolutely I meant to, but you were busy”.
    I told him that we could hang out on the weekend but he had his brother in law stay at his apartment for a week and said he didn’t know if he could make time so I just told him that it made me sad that we hadn’t seen each other in three weeks and that things weren’t working for me.

    I told him to call me on Christmas so we could speak but he didn’t so I finally called him after Christmas and he seemed very upset over the phone (I’m guessing he know that the break up was coming).
    I told him that I really liked hanging out with him but I just couldn’t deal with his distance right now and that I was scared of what would happen if we continued seeing each other. I also told him that I would have liked to talk it out in person but since he never reached out to me, I didn’t know how else to address it.
    He was really angry at first and finally ended up hanging up on me, after telling me that he only wanted to be friends, after I asked him whether or not he actually wanted to continue seeing me.

    I sent him a Whatapp memo after this and told him that I am not angry that he doesn’t want a relationship with me but that I was hurt at the way in which he treated me while at the same time saying that I didn’t mean to hurt his feelings either and that I still greatly value him as a friend (which I do to this day). I finally told him that I liked him a lot but that I didn’t want someone that doesn’t know what he wants and that I cannot be friends with him right now and that we both needed some space from each other. He messaged me back and thanked me for my message, saying that he would use this time in order to think about what he actually wanted and that he hopes that I will do well. We didn’t talk again after that.

    Fast forward to this Saturday. I knew he would attend a mutual friends birthday party and decided that bad blood wasn’t worth it. A lot of our friends, including his female cousin to which I am very close too, know about the stuff that went down between us and all of them said that we both acted stupidly and it should not have ended like that.
    When I saw him at the party, it was awkward at first but after I greeted him, we seemed to both be enjoying ourselves.

    Until I saw him sitting alone in some corner, drinking a glas of whiskey and smoking. After debating myself whether or not I should go up to him, I decided to talk to him and ask him how he was doing and he quite honestly answered that he wasn’t doing so well and that the whole thing has been messing with his head.
    He then asked me how my life had been to which I could only answer that a lot of positive changes have happened and that I was doing really well and that I had wanted to talk to him about it, but I didn’t feel like it was a good idea.
    He seemed really glad for me and we talked a lot about his exams and of the fact that he had felt very stressed and he finally opened up to me about one of his best friends recently having been diagnosed with cancer and him feeling very lost the past few weeks.
    I felt bad but I didn’t want to spend too much time dwelling after listening for a while I headed off. However we didn’t really stop seeking each other the whole night – he bought be a drink, I bought him one and so on and finally, after my initiation, we went outside and I told him I wanted to talk serious for a minute.
    We talked about how he had asked me in the beginning of dating, why I was so scared of relationships and I explained that this was the exact reason and that I regretted not having taken more time to actually get to know him. He agreed and said that he felt bad for making me doubt myself and not reaching out to me enough and not communicating in general. He then said that he was very insecure in relationships too and that they scare him just as much.
    We ended the talk on a more positive note and continued partying with our friends until we left.
    I had my longboard with me and had meant to ride it back home but when I was about to leave, he came after me and asked me to show teach him how to ride it. We spent a good and fun half an hour of attempting that and then walked back home for another 40 minutes during which he talked the whole time about plans that he had for his career and stuff that he wanted to reach in life and the motivation that keeps him going. All in all I thought it was a really deep and nice conversation and it really reminded me of how we used to be as friends and how much I missed that friendship but also him as my partner..
    We hugged goodbye and I left and we haven’t spoken or texted since but the more I think about it, the more I feel like reaching out.

    I don’t know if this is just me being desperate for intimacy or if I genuinely feel like we both let each other escape because we were scared of getting hurt/hurting each other and not really ready for anything serious. I want to try to be friends with him first and actually get to know him on a much more personal level, before deciding if I want to date him again but I don’t know how to make this clear to him without scaring him off so soon after our “break up”..

    I don’t know if I should hope for him to reach out or if I should show him that I want to see him again – party of me wants to wait and the other part once to tell him that his friendship is greatly missed. My friends are divided on their advice too but I guess they are biased in some way since they all know him.

    I’m really angry at myself for trying to force him into a relationship without actually getting to know him on that level first and also at lashing out because I was scared of getting hurt again, even though he is definitely not the same person as the last guy is.
    But I’m also angry at him for not being more mature and knowing what he wants or deciding not to communicate that to me. I don’t even know if I would prefer having my friend back or prefer to get another chance at dating him and actually seeing at where things will head that time. I’m afraid of a Ross & Rachel type of situation.

    Thank you so much for reading through all of this mess, advice is greatly appreciated! (:

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 10, 2018 at 1:28 am

      HI Lia,

      it was not wrong to decline his invite after him being distant but the better option was to decline at that day and then offer an alternative day that you’re good to go out. Well, it looks like you can restart slowly building rapport

  16. L

    January 7, 2018 at 7:36 pm

    Hi Amor, what if im the lck one ? And i ended up wanting him back but he doesnt because he claims that somethings couldnt be changed ? What can i actually do .

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 9, 2018 at 9:45 pm

      Is it true that you’re not going to change?

  17. Blue

    January 7, 2018 at 6:42 am

    Over one year ago my ex broke with me.
    My ex & I were in a 5 year long distance relationship, . He broke with me after he quit his job and his financial situation was really bad. I tried No Contact for 30 days. Then I resumed a contact by email, he was friendly, but that was it. Then, I stopped emailing him for 2 months. Last spring, out of the sudden he sent me short email “What’s up”, I answered & he never followed up again. I waited 2 months, sent him a b-day wishes, but again, he never answered.
    I never stopped chasing him online. He deleted his facebook account 2 months after breakup. Thought last year I checked almost everyday if he reopened it. Finally 2 months ago he opened a new account.. I sent him a friend request. Next morning I found out he accepted it. When I wanted to see his facebook page, I realized he already unfriended me. I have feeling he was only curious & wanted to see my fb account. I sent him a friend request again & this time he blocked me. Last week I noticed that he deleted his facebook account again.
    I must be obsessed. I can’t stop thinking about my ex. I know I really want him back. I don’t dare to send him email, esp after he blocked me. Do I even have a chance to get him back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 9, 2018 at 8:45 pm

      Hi Blue,

      To be honest, I think you should move on..

  18. Elissa M

    January 5, 2018 at 10:05 pm

    EBR Team Member: Amor

    January 5, 2018 at 9:44 pm

    Hi Elissa,

    If you just want to be friends, then to be frank you have to set your expectations lower because being friendly doesn’t mean he has an obligation to reply to you because you’re the one who wants to be more friendly and not him.. he probably doesn’t want you to expect much or mislead you by being too friendly.

    I was happy being friends for all that time because I had figured he was completely fine without me and going back to friends was as good as it was going to get. But recently the texts went from friendly/flirty to heavy flirty/even some downright sexual. I really did love this person and so I’m afraid of being played here so should NC just be my best bet at this point? He’s definitely managed to awaken the old feelings in me and then since he stopped answering to be honest I feel like I did something wrong. Is coming right out and saying that I don’t want to be played with emotionally just a bad idea?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 8, 2018 at 6:41 pm

      It is because it can be misinterpreted and he might think you’re angry.. Maybe he’s stopped talking to you, so he doesn’t lead you on more.. So, the better action right now is to let him be, give each other space, let him initiate and if he becomes flirty again and you can’t handle being friendly flirty with him, stop being friendly with him anymore…

  19. Ka

    January 4, 2018 at 3:36 am

    Hello. I appreciated your website. My ex fiance and I were together close to 2 years. He just broke up with me on Christmas day. I was so hurt it surprised even me because due to our fighting I was starting to really want to end it myself. But I saw a lot of good in him and thought maybe we could work it out. Since Christmas I have gone through the process of a break up. Grief, anger, hot and cold emotions. This entire time my ex became very nice and “caring” but it started confusing me so I went cold and stopped contact. I admit, I’m starting to feel ok. But on the flip side he has been contacting me non stop since the break up. The less and less I respond, the more he seems to contact me. This is not a game for me and honestly I’m kind of upset because it feels like a cat and mouse. So do I think he cares about me? Sometimes. So I think he is playing me? Sometimes. The last conversation we had, he was angry and said I don’t even try to fix things. I was shocked! I cried and embarrassed myself when he initially broke up with me and said how much I loved him and wanted us to work. He was so cold towards me. I tried a couple other conversations but he acted so arrogant after the last I initiated that I just accepted the decision right then and there internally and left. Hurt like the dickens! Now he keeps calling me and I’m getting tired of this all. I don’t want to be put through that pain again only for him to say at the end of the day that he doesn’t want to be together. So, how can I let go and live without that tug inside that says maybe THIS time around he WILL want me back and it will Work?

    Thanks,
    Ka

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 5, 2018 at 9:51 pm

      HI Ka,

      If you meant you’re moving on.. just don’t answer him and take it one day at a time.. the hurt will not disappear in just one day or one month.. slowly over time, it will.

  20. Kelly

    January 4, 2018 at 3:13 am

    My situation is a little reversed. I broke up with my ex. I was going through some issues and decided to go see a therapist for help and told him I needed space to work through my issues. This was 5 months ago. I got the ick for him and told him not to contact me anymore. I went a total of 30 days no contact, during which he continually texted me saying he missed me. In late November I finally replied to one of his texts which were much of the same, saying he thinks about me all the time, he misses me. Meanwhile, I see on facebook he has a new girlfriend, which is understandable considering we have been broken up for about 5-6 months. (I hadn’t seen him in about 4 months because I really wanted to focus on changing my life in therapy and needed time to myself to figure out what I wanted. I decided it was time to see him since he had been asking (he still has the girlfriend), we decided to be friends, but he says he can’t be just my friend, we continue to hang out, and then we went for drinks after the 6th time we hung out and unfortuantely ended up sleeping together, He told me he had been having lots of issues with his girlfriend and sadly it just happened. Now, I want him back but they are still together. I’m not sure what to do now, I unfortunately got a little emotional and told him over text I thought we should stop hanging out considering I was getting feelings for him and he has a girlfriend and I thought it wasn’t right to continue hanging out. He texted New years day saying happy new years I miss you. But, I think I ruined my chances by telling him we shouldn’t hang out anymore and am kind of not sure what to do now! Especially since he has a girlfriend. Is this all just too messy to get back into?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 5, 2018 at 9:50 pm

      Hi Kelly,

      You did the right thing because you’re showing him that you have standards and you respect his gf enough to stop what you were doing.. yes, restart nc and do 21-30 days..

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