What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back

How Do I Prevent My Boyfriend From Ending Our Relationship

Imagine a situation in which you notice your boyfriend is acting strange.

You know him well as you have been dating the guy for over a year.  But in the last few weeks you have been getting these strange signals.  Part of you just ignores it.  You have been burned before by guys who broke up with you, just when you thought things were getting good.  So part of you really don’t want to think about your boyfriend slipping out of your life.

So you tell yourself that you shouldn’t dwell on the negative.  Perhaps your boyfriend is just going through a phase.  After all, he can get moody and usually after a day or two, he snaps out of it.

There is this part of you that sometimes gets these panicky thoughts.

How can you stop your boyfriend from leaving you, if it comes to that, you wonder?  But you quickly regain your senses, brushing away such silliness.  You tell yourself to stop thinking this way.  You know he loves you and nothing on god’s green earth is ever going to come between you and your boyfriend.

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The Fear of Losing Him Rises Up

But there is this other part of you that fears the worst.

It keeps bubbling up.

You know deep inside your boyfriend is acting different around you.  He pulls away sooner when the two of you embrace. He seems to have a few too many excuses why he doesn’t want to do certain things with you.

As these thoughts pile up, you become even more concerned and fantasies of your boyfriend breaking up with you begin to dominate your mind.

You start creating these elaborate dramas, playing inside your mind, as a way to prepare yourself.  You know it is probably not a good thing to do, but you do it anyway.  You figure it helps to play out the different scenarios which could lead to a breakup.  So long as you have some good answers, you can get things back on track with him, you think to yourself.

If you can see it before hand, just perhaps you can head it off as the pass.

Stopping your boyfriend from doing something that he may not even be thinking of doing, sounds a bit crazy, but it works on some level.  After all, you are just bracing yourself, right?

Why must relationships be some complicated, you reflect to yourself!

Help! I Think My Boyfriend is Going to Leave Me

But make no bones about it, you are worried that your boyfriend is going to leave you out in the cold.

You may even be petrified that he is going to leave you any minute now. The imaginary conversations of the mind you have with your boyfriend are starting to create more anxiety because it is happening too often.

The past experiences with guys have taught you that they can get twitchy and quiet when something is on their mind.

Former boyfriends also had the habit of just making themselves scarce, avoiding you when you tried to reach out.  Or even when the two of you were together, you felt like you were really alone.

What is it like when you feel you are the one pushing to do things and plan things?

Not so good if the two of you were known to collaborate on you activities together.

Once again, you find yourself battling with whether your female intuition is a harbinger of a coming breakup or if it is just your imagination running amok.

In the past, when your boyfriends pulled away, you fought like mad to stop them from ending it.  Sometimes you succeed, but more often it just muddied the waters, forestalling an eventual breakup.

You cried and begged and when that didn’t work out, you got angry and hurled insults and accusations.  But you were younger then, less experienced and this time is probably different, you think.

But what if is was happening?

What would you do different this time around to stop your boyfriend from just ending it?

What could you do to keep things from even getting there?

How do you even know that you are doing something wrong that might be turning off your guy?

Whatever caused it (you reason), what is important is to prevent the relationship from collapsing.  Right??

You are not going down without a fight, you think to yourself.

You have worked too hard to give up and deep inside your heart, you know that if your boyfriend does want to end things, he making a huge mistake. The two of you have worked hard as a couple at setting aside the petty fights. There has even been talk of longer term plans.

Yet, the feeling that your boyfriend may slip out of your life is taking its toll.

But what should you do?

Should you bring up the topic with him?  Or should you tack in the opposite direction.  Maybe you should just give him some room.  The less pressure, the better, right?

What is one to do when they feel the magic of the relationship is just slowly slipping away?

How Do You Know If Your Boyfriend Is Slipping Away From You?

The little story I related above could be anyone’s tale.

Many of my clients have told me similar stories about how they just “felt it coming”.

They could tell, before it happened, that their boyfriend wanted out.  Sometimes their guy would not come out and say they want to breakup, but they could sense his lack of enthusiasm about being with them.

It can feel like the air is being let out of the balloon when your boyfriend starts pulling away from your relationship. It is like the clouds before the storm. You can see it forming and it seems you can do little to stop it.

I liken this to what I call the Pre-Breakup Phase.

This is when all these little cues and signals you have been getting from you boyfriend starts to accumulate and that dreaded feeling of helplessness settles into your stomach.

Some people try to push it out of their mind.  Yep, even in the world of boyfriend and girlfriend breakups, denial and self delusion is alive and well.

But don’t beat yourself up if this has happened to you or is occurring right now.  It is a normal reaction.  When our heart is bonded closely to someone we love and care about a lot, it can be had for our rational brain to accept some of the telltale signs.

Is Your Boyfriend Trying To Escape?

So since we are on the subject, what are some of the signs or signals you might be seeing that can cue you in that your boyfriend is wanting to call an end to things?

Quite honestly, you can never be sure what is going on in your boyfriend’s brain because guys process things differently than women.  They tend to hold things in more, so you can’t get confusing signals.  And depending on the type of man you are with and their attachment style, there are any number of reasons for why you might misjudge their intentions.

But let’s assume your boyfriend is looking to escape the relationship.  What are some of those behaviors that will give him away?

There are some cues you can look for that might just clue you in on what is going on in his mind.

Now as a disclaimer, just because your boyfriend behaves in some of the ways I describe below doesn’t necessarily mean he is on the verge of ending the relationship with you.

There could be other reasons for why his behavior is outside of the norm.

But let’s say, the dirty rotten scoundrel is wanting to dump you!  What are the signs?

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How Do You Know Your Boyfriend Wants Out?

More often than not, if your lover is acting out in a lot of the ways summarized below, then there is a good chance your boyfriend is trying to ease his way out of the relationship.

1.Your lover is no longer telling you how much he loves you.

Your guy, who use to tell you he loves you all the time to the extent you got those warm fuzzy feelings that every beloved girl should receive, is now seldom even uttering the words.

He goes from rushing up to you to say how much he misses and loves you to a demeanor in which he will only express his love for you if you tell him first.  And even in these cases, your boyfriend’s effort comes off as sounding disingenuous and somewhat forced.

2. Your boyfriend seems nervous, even agitated around you.

The same guy who use to hug you warmly and tell you all about his day is now as quiet as a mouse.  He clams up when you come a calling. He is no longer sharing things about what he is up to.  He seems more aloof and when you make efforts to talk with him he generally wants to end the conversation and pivot into another direction.

Sometimes that pivot is him telling you he has to suddenly go somewhere.  Yep, he gives himself away when he starts getting jumpy and impulsive.  If you didn’t know better, you would think he was avoiding you.

Of course, that is exactly what he is up to.  In a situation where a breakup is imminent, he will start to avoid eye contact.

Psychologically, he is trying to escape the burden of having to tell you that he wants to end things.  So you end up getting this kind of crazy behavior. At least it seems odd at the time until you start putting it all together later during the aftermath of the split up.

 3. Your guy is not Communicating.

It all seems like a fairy tale when you think about the past and how your man use to talk and talk and talk your ear off.

There was nothing that seemed off limits.

Conversation with your boyfriend just poured out naturally, interrupted with moments of intimacy and fun filled situations.

But that was then and this is now and you are wondering why your boyfriend can’t even take the time to respond to your text messages.

You wonder why he NEVER initiates the first call and seems to have an excuse, ready made, to explain why he doesn’t have time for you.  It is a tell tale sign when the guy you are dating and have been seeing for a long times, suddenly in mid course of the relationship, starts ignoring you, your text messages, and your phone calls for hours and days at a time.

4. Your Man starts to hint around things.

Do you ever get that feeling that your boyfriend is trying to tell you something, but he never gets around to laying it all out there?

If so, it could be because he is hiding something from you. Maybe his feelings are confused about you and he is not sure what he wants.  Frankly, there are a lot of guys who just don’t have their stuff together.

They may be plagued with uncertainty about a great many things.

They may be afraid to make commitments and sometimes these behaviors can run deep at a psychological level.

There is this one kind of personality attachment style called “Avoidance”.

Some men have trouble with starting and sustaining relationships with women.  Maybe they have been burned before by another girl and those painful memories sear at the back of their mind.

Sometimes, it is just in their makeup to avoid getting too serious because of some “fear” they are grappling with deep inside. Maybe the guy is just selfish and wants to keep all of his options open and so when the relationship looks like it is getting less interesting, they start looking to withdraw.

So when this kind of thing unfolds, you will usually get these unmistakable little signs where your boyfriend might talk about “taking a break” or “let’s just slow things down a bit” or “let’s not get ahead of ourselves” or “let’s just flow with things and see where it takes us”.

When you start picking up on these vague hints that he doesn’t want to get bogged down, then it is likely something is up.

What Can You Stop Your Boyfriend from Breaking Up With You?

Well, this is what everybody wants to know when they sense their boyfriend is pulling away.  Many of my clients are looking for a recipe to get their guy to realize the stupidity of ending things with you.   After all, you are a great catch.  What possesses your boyfriend to screw everything up that you both worked so hard to create.

I guess I am not your ordinary relationship coach.  More advice may go against the grain of what you might expect.

The first question you might want to ask yourself is “are you really sure you don’t want him to go through with it.”

Just maybe it is one of the best things that could ever have happened.

Maybe you don’t want to hear this line of reasoning and if you are getting annoyed with me, I understand.

But hear me out first.

Then we will get into those situations of boyfriends that might still be worth your effort to try and get back.

First, let’s talk about why you might be feeling the way you are.  It is natural to stop someone from doing something that goes against your immediate wishes and desires.

If you and your boyfriend spent a good amount of time together then you guys have formed a lot of shared memories and created many moments that ties you together. If you have had sex with your boyfriend, then that bond of togetherness and connection is even more powerful.

We can call it love.  I love that word!

But to be honest, we should also recognize that those feelings of love and attachment and connection are also driven by neurotransmitters in our brains.  The release of dopamine, oxytocin and vasopressin and a bunch of other chemicals our brain releases will have a profound effect on your when you are in love.

And when someone is about to take all that away from you, it is perfectly natural to fight it.  Because after all, all of us who are in love are addicted in some ways to the one we are in love with.  More precisely, we are addicted to those chemicals that spring forth when we are love and hug, share experiences, have brief intimate moments, and have long prolonged sex.

Just merely gazing into your boyfriend’s eyes can release a bunch of neurotransmitters of the brain.

So what is my point?

Essentially, beware of yourself.  You will want to stop him from breaking up with you because you may feel desperately tied to him and your addiction for more of those wonderful moments that release the neurotransmitters.  Your boyfriend may have been treating you like crap, exhibiting all kinds of controlling and semi abusive behaviors, but the pull of your addiction to these hormones can unduly influence how your view and process things.

Remember.  Your boyfriend (or soon to be ex boyfriend) is not the only one that you can meet and fall in love with.

If things don’t work out in the long run, don’t forget that the emotion of feeling like you desperately need him back in your life will subside and if you do many of the things I talk about in this website, you will be in a better place emotionally and spiritually.

Anyway, what can you do to stop him from call it quits on the relationship?

What can you do to convince your boyfriend he is making a huge mistake by breaking off the romance with you?

What can you do to make your boyfriend realize he is really blowing it if he let’s you go?

The Solution is elegant and sublime.  And I will break it down for you by steps.

1. Don’t stop your boyfriend from Breaking up with you.  

He is going to expect that you will put up a lot of resistance.  That is one of his fears. That is why he has been avoiding you and acting weird around you.

So don’t play into his fears.  Tack the opposite way.  It conveys to him that you are not wholly dependent on him, which unconsciously will make him more attracted to you.  Remember, all boyfriends want that which they can’t have.  In the beginning, before you agreed to being a couple of sorts, you were single.

He was single.

Only later as things evolved, did you mutually agree to be a couple.

If he wants to break that bond, fine.

Later he will have some explaining to do if he truly wants you back.  So give him some rope.  He is likely to later get tied up in knots wishing he had not let you go.  Sure, you will want to know and understand what your boyfriend’s reasoning was for ending it.  But don’t dwell on the detail.  It is unlikely you will get the full truth at that time as to why he wants to split up.

2. Keep your emotions out of it.  

Your boyfriend started all this, not you.

You didn’t want to end things.

It is his idea and he precipitated the whole discussion about you each going your on way.

Don’t be bitter.

Don’t be angry.

I know that is a big ask, but to the extent you can keep your emotions out of it (and you will be filled to the brim with lots of conflicted feelings), you will be better off in the long run.  The ideas is not trying to beg and plea for him to give the relationship another try.

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That seldom works and it ends up making you look weak and powerless.

That is not what you are shooting for.  If he is going to push for this breakup, then give it to him and walk away with your pride and self respect fully intact.

Time is a big arbitrator when it comes to settling things. In time, you will gain more perspective as to what you want.

Eventually, your boyfriend  will have his own wake up call, maybe even realizing he made a foolish decision.

3. Begin the No Contact Period. 

From here on out, your boyfriend is going to get to know the new you.

But he is going to have to work at it.

What do I mean by that?

Well, quite frankly, most guys when they break up with their girlfriends expect their former lover to miss them.  They are expecting to hear from you and may check in with you to see how you are doing.

Don’t give them the luxury of fulfilling that wish.  Boyfriends never realize how much they will miss their girlfriends until much later. Then it will hit them like a pile of bricks assuming it was not some kind of terrible dysfunctional relationship.

Every guy is different, so it is hard to predict their exact behavior. But if the parting of ways went smoothly (you behaved like a pro) and the prior relationship with him had its share of really good times, then they will have a little hunger inside them that will awaken after days later.

There thoughts will gravitate back to you and they will want to check in with you.

They will probably Facebook stalk you.

But you are not going to fall for that.

So No Contact is just what it sounds like.

You are not going to be initiating any communications with your former lover, nor will you be responding to any of your boyfriend’s efforts to check up on you.  All of this will cause them to want you more.

But more importantly, it will allow you time to become the Ungettable Girl.

4. Become the Ungettable Girl.

You are going to be using the No Contact period as an opportunity to heal and grow and play and feel beautiful.  Essentially you want to make yourself into the best version of YOU that ever existed.  This will make you even more attractive and desirable to your ex boyfriend.

You may even discover you don’t want him back.

Look, there is so much more we can talk about today, but let’s agree we will end it here.  I encourage you to read the hundreds of posts I provide to my audience.  If you want to really dive into the details of how to best position yourself to get your ex back, then check out some of my E books.

And please, don’t fall into the trap of trying to talk your boyfriend out of breaking up with you if he springs the awful news on you.

If he is really serious about it, then it is probably best to let the breakup run its course.  The gravity of his behavior is already in motion.  It is very unlikely you will be able to change his mind.  And if somehow you get him to look at things differently, he may resent you later and the two of you could be plagued by a series of breakup and get back together moments.

Sometimes it is best to give people what they think they want.

You might believe they are making a mistake.  But allow them to fail and learn.  In the meantime, you too may learn something about yourself and your boyfriend.  And with that knowledge, you will be better served to choose the correct path going forward.

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Written by EBR Teamate

Chris Seiter

27 responses to “How Do I Prevent My Boyfriend From Ending Our Relationship”

  1. Kitty says:

    Me and my boyfriend recently broke up. We were engaged for 2 years. We have a 1,5 year old together. We have been living apart for 6 months Before the breakup. After our Child was born we had many coflicts, thats why he moved. We had a lot of fights even when he had moved and i have a lot of trust issues, he cheated on me under the period we did live apart. I really thought that we would get married one day and get past all our problems but now we are broken up. I am on day 3 of the nc. Is there a chance i can get him back??

  2. Erin P. says:

    Hello Amor,

    The article left me with one main question: should I do some sort of nc/limited contact while still dating him? Is it good to give him a serious taste of missing you? And how much is right?

    On the other hand, I know I was harsh and critical with my boyfriend and he didn’t deserve it. I need to fix that with him but he also said he wants space.

    I’m on day 1 of nc, haven’t heard from him

    Thank you

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      It depends on why. Most of the time limited nc is only for co-parents, co-business owners or workers or if you still live together

    • Erin P. says:

      What if he hasn’t decided to break up yet, but he’s told me that he’s struggling with the possibility?

      What’s an appropriate response if you know what to do differently in the future, but he has already shut down?

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Well, limited nc is not suited for that. You have to set a date to talk about the relationship, if he’s still undecided go full nc.. Dont convey that you’re just waiting, that would make him string you along more

  3. Ellie says:

    My boyfriend and I got back together in April after breaking up in January. Since then, things have been largely great, and we’ve maintained a steady, communicative relationship. Recently, I had to move as I lost my job and had to go cross-country back to my parents to save money while I looked for more work. It’s been about 3 weeks, and since then it’s been tough, with the whole long-distance and not knowing where our future is headed. Another thing- I used to be with his friend- until he dumped me unceremoniously and didn’t talk to me for months. Last week, my boyfriend randomly said it was a shame my ex and I hadn’t worked out as we have a lot in common, and today when I told him I missed him (my boyfriend, definitely not my ex), he joked that I shouldn’t miss him because it’s ‘just little old him’. I’m worried that he’s trying to create distance between us and I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to be normal and not cling but I’m freaked out he’s going to end things because of the distance. What can I do?

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      So you two didn’t talk on until when at most you would staying at your parents and what the new.routine.would.be when you’re there?

    • Ellie says:

      We did, but we’re not sure how long we’re going to be apart, it’ll depend on where I get a job and when. But we agreed not to make any rash decisions until we had a direction. We talk daily, but sometimes the uncertainty feels like t’s weighing heavy. How can I keep things steady and not freak him out?

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Set a timeframe..have you talked about until when you’re going to find a job in your parents place? If you don’t get a job a this timeframe, what’s your next step?

  4. Adriana says:

    I read this article and it truly gave me the courage to stop persuading my ex-fiance to end our relationship. We had an unhealthy relationship. We were both unstable emotionally and mentally. It has been two days ago that he asked me to leave his house and to return the engagement ring. The way he ended everything has been rather cruel and very humiliating. I don’t have any friends i am very anti-social but at work my boss has been the biggest support along with my family. I spent the last three days crying to the point that yesterday i got one hour sleep and today i feel like a zombie at work. I know i made a lot of mistakes but the one thing that is true about this article is to be strong and let the break-up take its course. I already went through this before with my ex. We were together for almost 7 years and my current soon to be past relationship lasted over five years. I have humiliated myself beyond to to stop him from ending our relationship and this is the words thing that one can do. I decided to text him today and tell him that i understand his decision and i will move out this weekend.
    My ex basically did the same thing and after 5 months of not talking at all he came looking for me at work but at that point it was too late because i was with somebody else. I am scared and i feel lonely but i truly believe that time heals everyone. All i can say is that i wish the best to everyone here who is going through a break up.

  5. Hopeful says:

    Before my now ex broke up with me, he pushed for us to take a break (about a month and a half before the break up). I freaked out because no one I had dated suggested a break before and said we needed to wait until we were both less emotional before making a major decision about our relationship, as we had just had a big argument. When he came over to break up with me, I tried suggesting a break. He said it wouldn’t help.

    We’ve been broken up for almost a month and a week. I’m trying NC for the third time after failing the other two and am almost done with day twelve. I’ve been posting about when I go out with friends to try and seem active since he knows I’m introverted. However, I’m worried with how clingy I was in the last few months of our relationship (due to the classic “I felt him pulling away and pushed harder”) coupled with my inability to complete NC the first few times (I reached out to him) that all he’ll remember is my clingy behavior and he won’t even miss me. I have been trying my hardest to stay positive, but am having health issues on top of this that have been going on for a while, and it’s been feeling increasingly difficult to be positive. I don’t know what to do beyond trying to finish NC and improve on myself. I’m scared I damaged things too much and he won’t want to open up to me emotionally again.

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      it’s ok to be afraid, it’s another thing to let it let it get to you.. be realistic.. if you’re more energized in going out alone, do that more and when you go out, be with fellow introverts

    • Hopeful says:

      Thank you. I really needed this.

      I was also wondering if you’d have any advice on something else that’s kind of related to this breakup. My ex boyfriend was my main support with the health issues I have, and now that I can’t reach out to him about those things I’ve been having difficulty coping. I try to reach out to my friends, but there’s only one I really feel comfortable talking about those things with.

      Also, last week I went out with friends. The guy I’d carpooled with who I hadn’t met until that night asked me out to dinner after dropping me off, but I turned him down because it made me feel uncomfortable and it feels like I still need time to heal. At the same time, I feel guilty. Is that normal?

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      yep, it’s normal

  6. MS says:

    Met a wonderful man 4.5 months ago, we got on so well we couldn’t believe it was happening. Not a single thing went wrong between us, everything was like a fairy tale. The issue was that he only came to my country for 6 months, but we were so in love, we decided to be together nevertheless and fly to each other for a while and then if we worked out, I’d probably move to America to be with him. We’re both in our early 30’s, we’ve been through a lot in our lives, we know what we want. I have a child and he has a child, both children exactly the same age. Then one day our relationship took a 180 degree turn.. He received a phone call about his child, not a pleasant one. He was so overwhelmed that he wouldn’t talk to me or see me for the next 2 weeks. I didn’t know why until he finally told me. Then days later he just messaged me he was flying back to America the next day! I was devastated. We got robbed of the last few weeks together! But I wanted him to go, I understood his child was the priority, I’d do the same. He came round mine one last time the night before he left, he was so visibly confused, stressed out, but we still felt amazing together and had a sad, but still a lovely evening. He told me he loved me. We said we would figure things out.. He’s been gone a month now. Initially he would text 1-2 a day.. then less and less. I wasn’t pushing, I was reassuring him I was there for him. I said I would give him all the space he needs, or support him, or come over there. I’d do anything he wanted me to. He never replied to that message. Then there was a week long silence until I finally decided to message him again. He just said he was extremely stressed, couldn’t handle his situation right now (apart from the difficult child and ex partner situation, he also lost his job he came for in my country and had to go back to his old job, starting from the beginning basically). He still gave me no indication as to what I should do. I told him I understood and that I’m there for him. He never replied again. I tried again two days later.. it took him hours, but he replied saying that he didn’t know what to say, but he didn’t want to hurt me anymore and that he thinks I should move on because he’s just hurting me, he referred to me as “babe” in that message. I was heartbroken when I read it, but not shocked. I knew he was distancing himself for a while. I decided to ask him for a chat. He said he was at work, I asked him when he could talk, he said IDK… I offered the weekend, he never replied. I waited few more days and then just called him. For the 1st time since he’s been gone. The conversation didn’t bring any light onto what might happen next.. He said how he’s trying to figure his life out, I asked him if he wants me out of his life, he said IDK, I asked why he’s ignoring me, he said IDK, I just thought it would be easier for you if I don’t keep you hanging, I asked if he has feelings for me still and he said “Yes I do”, I reminded him that we always knew he was going back to his country and it wasn’t a problem, so we shouldn’t give up on our relationship now either, he couldn’t really answer it, kind of acknowledged it, but that’s it. I said I’m prepared to wait, give him space. I asked him if he would see me if I flew over to America for a few days, not now, but in a few weeks when he’s a bit better and he said he doesn’t know if he would see me.. Then he said he’ll think about it. We talked for 10 minutes, he made up an excuse he had to go and help someone, I knew it wasn’t true, but just said ok no worries. He said “I’ll message you”. It’s been 3 days now and he hasn’t. It’s OK as I’m not really expecting anything from him for at least a week. I will wait. But I worry 2-3 weeks may go by and I’ll hear nothing. The crazy thing is, we are both mature, when we are together things are perfect between us, we both said how we have never felt like this before. I know he loves me and I love him. He knows I can move to be with him so it’s not that we can’t change long distance into a normal relationship. It’s his stress making him act this way, but I just don’t want him to end something as beautiful as we have. I know he has problems, but us as a couple was the best thing that ever happened to both of us. I don’t know what to do. I won’t contact him now, but I worry about 2 scenarios: 1. he won’t contact me, 2. he will say I love you but we just can’t be together. How do I make him realise that we can and that his problems are not pushing me away as I still value him very much and I don’t think he’s a loser like perhaps he feels within himself now? I can’t force him to meet me, but regardless of what happens in the next few weeks, I just want to get on the plane and fly out there and call him saying “I’m here, please see me”. Of course he may not, but then I believe our love is too strong and he would. I’ve waited my whole life for him and I don’t want to let go. I know he feels the same way about me, he said it numerous times and his actions were saying it too.

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Hi MS,

      what about the advice above, are you ok to follow it? If he does say that, you have to face it. Either you do a no contact period or move on.

  7. BETH says:

    My ex and I have been broken up for 2 years and we dated 2 years. It was a healthy breakup and we went our separate ways until recently. We have hung out at least once or twice a week for the past 10 weeks. In the beginning he mentioned on working on getting back together and better communicating and I agreed. However, there hasn’t been much talk about our future. I’ll be out of the country for 3 months for work and I leave in 2 months. Not sure if that’s a factor. He mentioned what we would do when I leave and I said we would continue to speak. I’m coming back. Also, I told him I wouldn’t have sex with him or anyone until I was dating them. I’ve stuck to that. Everytime we see each other he tells me to let him know I got home safe and he’s always planning the next time to see each other. I want to ask him what he thinks about our future, but I don’t want to scare him off. He hasn’t made the effort to invite me to anything involving his friends. Is he even serious or just killing time? How do I go about it?

  8. Elizabeth says:

    Hi Amor,

    Thanks for your reply and suggestion. You are right that my husband is thinking i am an ex wife who can’t let go. I do want to reset his thought n show him the good me. I believe i have many things to offer. Or else,he would have proceeded with divorce a long time ago. So there must be something in me i can leverage on.

    I just have one question regarding the minimal contact. I can reduce my messages with my husband. I only have one meetup with him once a week. This is something i treasure and want to keep. Could i still see him once a week (just a few hours only) as this is our parenting time which i greatly treasure for the past four years. Honestly once a week or sometimes once every two week is already very minimal for a family.

    The thing i can alter is i can keep quiet during the meeting. In the past,i’d like to keep talking to express my views on different thing but my husband always want me to talk less. So if i can zip my mouth,this would immediately show him a change n create a mystery when i act so differently. Is this approach ok to replace the no meetup? Afterall we have to attend our child’s school activities together regularly.

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Hi Elizabeth,

      of course you have something great in you. Yes, you can meet him but the talks should only be about the children. No feelings nor relationship talk..

    • Elizabeth says:

      After the 45 days period is up,can i gradually talk about other things?

      Now,when my husband calls me,i will ask him how his day was. I will also tell him how mine had been. I will show him my care for him. Can this part be kept? I will try to keep the conversation happy. Just do not go into relationship talk yet. Is this boundary fine?

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      After nc you can do that, but during nc you should avoid that too because you’re trying to establish that you are moving on, at the same time he will notice you are improving. If he asks about your, reply short and polite.. but don’t initiate small talk..

  9. Elizabeth says:

    My husband and i are seperated for four years. We have a 4 year old child together. We have been together for over 13 years. The good news is he hasn’t proceeded to divorce and has no urgency to do so. We keep in touch daily n he meet us once a week. Both of us do not have a third party. The bad news is i can’t break down his defence mechanism with me. I know the reasons why he fell out of love with me. It is all caused by me.

    Given it has been for four years and i have done one round of NC two years ago n a few broken ones,i do not see doing it now is effective. Also,we have built rapport. However,i can’t get a breakthrough.

    How can i take it from here (leverage on our daily contact and regular meetup) and make a break through of the situation / reset his negative image in his head n induce him to desire a full reconciliation?

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Hi Elizabeth,

      when did you last ask him to be back together? And does he know now how you feel?

    • Elizabeth says:

      I wouldn’t ask him to get back together because he would just avoid the question. I did express to him that i expect marriage lasts a lifetime and if there is anything i didn’t do well,i asked him to lead me as he is my husband.

      He always knows i want a reconciliation from day one of seperation. I think that is partly why he hasn’t proceeded with a divorce and put things on hold. However,i didn’t make a good consistent improvement to turn around his negative image of me.

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Ok.. well, good that you didn’t beg for him back. honestly, 4 years is a long time but as you said, you didn’t change massively and he knows that you want him back. So, there’s like no mystery for him anymore.. Yeah, you’re not chasing, but in his mind, probably, you’re the ex wife that can’t let go… I hope not though but right now try minimal contact. Do at least 45 days, and keep improving yourself even after that. Because you have to change first, he has to feel he’s losing you while you’re improving yourself. So, that there’s that sense of regret, mystery, interest and wanting you back.. check this one:
      Get Your Boyfriend Back If You Have A Child Together

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