Today I’m going to tell you about the push & pull technique to get your ex back.
First off, let’s define what I mean by the push & pull technique in case some of you aren’t clear on that:
The push/pull technique is where you purposefully send mixed messages to your ex.
One moment you may say something that can cause them to read between the lines and feel like you’re interested, and in the next moment, you do the complete opposite.
Don’t worry if that still sounds a bit confusing; I have an analogy that might help clear things up more.
How I Always View The Push/Pull Technique
I’ve always viewed the push/pull technique as being similar to fishing.
If you’ve fished before then you know that when you cast your line into the water and get a fish to bite on it, the worst thing you could do is reel it in immediately.
That’s because hastily pulling back makes it easier for the line to snap or for the fish to run away.
Expert fishers, thus, follow a technique similar to the push & pull concept where they reel the fish in and then let it go a little and then reel it back in over and over again, increasing the intensity of their pull each time.
This almost always works to keep the fish hooked in perfectly!
When it comes to the push/pull method in breakups, I see people running into two problems all the time:
- Not knowing when to use the method
- Not knowing what a good push or pull looks like in the context of getting your ex back.
Let’s discuss each of them, starting with the right time to use the method.
When Should I Use The Push/Pull Method?
As soon as people hear about this method, they want to go try it out on their crush or their ex-boyfriend immediately after a breakup, but the timing of using the push/pull method is extremely important to your overall success.
You cannot rush into the method if it’s not the right time.
The Two Prerequisites You Must Meet
There are actually two prerequisites you must meet before trying the push/pull method:
1. You must have successfully completed a no contact rule.
For the average person, the push/pull method is a great way of flirting that they can start instantly, but your situation of trying to get your ex back is entirely different. You need to complete your no contact period before trying to initiate this method.
If you don’t wait to complete the no contact period, neither you not your ex will have the emotional clarity and distance necessary to create the kind of flirtatious and uncertain environment that the push/pull method needs to work.
The no contact period gives you thinking time and some distance that then makes each push even more impactful.
2. You have to have had some type of success in conversations with your ex after the no contact period
Situations can be different from person to person, so it makes sense that someone who’s using this method to flirt with someone who’s interested in them will have more success than someone who is trying it on their ex-boyfriend without having any successful conversations.
A successful conversation in this context simply means that they’re responding, and the responses aren’t one-word or veiled uninterested ones. The responses must be consistent and engaging for a short period, so you have the hint that they would play along with your push/pull method.
What Does A Good Push/Pull Look Like?
When we’re dealing with this push/pull method, the number one mistake people make is that they immediately go to extremes.
Imagine the push/pull method on a spectrum with the right side being the people who push and the left being those who pull.
What do those actions look like on the edges of that spectrum?
For the people that push, that means they’re saying something like,
- “I hate you,”
- “leave me alone”
- “I never want to see you again.”
On the other hand, people who pull on the extreme would say something like,
- “I love you”
- “Please come back to me”.
Do you see what’s wrong with both of those ends?
One is too clingy, while the other is just plain rude.
This is why it’s important to stay away from extremes.
So, what does a moderate push and pull look like?
Well, you always need to start off light.
A light push might simply be not immediately responding to your ex’s texts, and a light pull could be giving them a playful look or a playful touch when you see them in person.
There are a gazillion variations of the kinds of light pulls and pushes you could do so instead of going into all of those; I want to give you a bird’s eye view of the entire process instead. Your situation is very particular, and you’re going to have to do something very interesting to succeed with this method.
The big point where your push/pulls are different from those of an average person trying to get in a relationship is that you’re going to slowly increase the intensity and frequency of your pulls while simultaneously slowly reducing the intensity and frequency of your pushes.
So, like our fishing example, you’re going to pull your ex in and then let them go a little bit and then pull them back in even more until he’s so close that he starts making a move and even thinks that he’s doing it on his own.
The goal really is to get him to a point where he thinks that your pushes and pulls mean that you’re almost ready to get back with him but that you need him to step up and take that next step.
We all know how men love being the knight in shining armor so this technique will make him think he’s calling the shots, whereas you were the one who primed him for it with your push/pull technique.
How Do You Know When It’s Ok To Start The Push/Pull Technique?
Now that you know WHAT you have to do let’s get to the WHEN.
After all, bad timing may lead to your ex not responding how you expected him to.
It all boils down to reciprocation.
If you’re in a situation where you’re trying the push/pull technique, and you notice that every time you pull him in, he’s reciprocating the behavior is a great time to push him out a little bit and then pull him back in even more.
Ultimately, how you determine when you use the push/pull method and how frequently you do so depend on how likely your ex is to reciprocate your behavior.
In some rare cases, you’ll notice that your ex doesn’t merely reciprocate your behavior, he actually initiates his version of a pull. If that’s happening, you might want to ramp up the frequency and intensity of your pushes and pulls even more.
At the end of the day, it’s all like catching a fish.
Don’t pull him in all at once, or he’ll slip away.
You need to be a tease and take your time to push and pull until he’s ready to be back to you.
If you do it well enough, your last push (which would be the smallest one) might even prompt him to initiate getting back together with you as if it was all his idea!