By Tara O' Malley

Breaking up is hard, and a lot of times it will throw you into a temporary tailspin.

For some, it takes only a short time to recover a sense of normalcy. For others, the surrealism can linger for much longer.

In either case, that initial emotional reaction to a breakup tends to drive people into making regrettable decisions. And that behavior can hurt your chances of getting your ex back.

So, yes. There are definitely things you shouldn’t do after a breakup.

First and foremost, there is one rule that should govern your behavior now that you have been through a breakup. The sooner you are able to master this rule, the better your chances of getting your ex back are.

Today, we are going to cover this one rule along with a number of other things that you should avoid doing after a breakup if you want to increase your chances of getting back together.

  • The Rule: Master Your Emotions
  • What Not to Do: Overwhelming Emotions
  • What Not to Do: Circle of Influence
  • What Not to Do: Another Woman
  • What Not to Do: Social Media
  • What You SHOULD Do

The Rule: Master Your Emotions

Becoming the master of your emotions, it sounds so easy, doesn’t it?

“Gee, thanks,” you’re thinking. “Is there a pill for that?”

I’m willing to bet there are some things happening, at least once in awhile, that make it hard for you to maintain that emotional control.

  • Your stomach hurts constantly.
  • You don’t have an appetite.
  • You feel nauseous.
  • You cry with or without cause at inopportune times.
  • It feels like there is a hole in your chest and you can’t catch your breath.

Perhaps you simply cannot concentrate very well these days. Once in a while, you might have mood swings that are based in anger and desperation.

You know what that means, don’t you?

Congratulations!

You’re human!

Don’t worry – all that is normal.

I try and consider it part of the blessing of having a heart in the first place.

I’m sure you have heard it before, but I’ll say it again. You aren’t the first person to feel this way, and you certainly will not be the last.

But, you must maintain emotional control if you want to win this breakup.

What does that even mean?

Maintaining emotional control means that you have to learn how not to act rashly when you are feeling emotional.

Your actions should all be separate from your emotion.

When in doubt, say nothing.

You should make a plan and stick to it.

I suggest using Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program to form a game plan since it has such great success stories and is so easy to understand. Not to mention that Pro does all of the thinking for you. That way you can just focus on implementing it and remaining calm and rational, like Val Kilmer, AKA “Iceman,” in Top Gun. He was cool as a cucumber under pressure. He may have been sweating during those aerial dogfights, but we never saw it. He chose his targets and followed protocol.

And looked fine doing it, if I might say so.

Now, why is it so important to be like the Iceman?

Well, it’s so that you don’t do or say anything you will regret in the heat of the moment.

We’ve all been there, reacting to a situation that gets us riled up.

Maybe we misinterpreted what someone said.

Maybe we jumped to a conclusion or blamed the wrong person.

Maybe, if we had taken a moment or slept on it, we wouldn’t have been so emotional about it. We could have turned the situation to our advantage instead of overreacting.

Since we’ve all been there I want to ask you a question. How did it feel?

If you are anything like me, it felt like a big bowl of regret.

I guess hat I am saying is that you have a choice. Be Ice Man or be Maverick. Be the person who keeps their cool or the one who gets stuck with regret.

You want to win, don’t you?

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

So, How Do I Maintain Emotional Control?

I will admit, sometimes it’s easier said than done.

You do have to practice. It takes willpower.

But, luckily, the more times you do it, the better you will get at it.

Here are a few tips:

Identify when you are feeling emotional. This should be easy. It’s basically whenever you feel the urge to send a group text to your girlfriends moaning or venting about something that is going on and getting them to weigh in. Learn to recognize these situations as they arise rather than simply reacting.

When this happens, STOP.

Recognize your state of mind.

You may have other triggers or telltale signs that occur when these situations happen. Pay attention to them.

Go ahead and text your girlfriends.

Just avoid any bad advice from them and don’t do any of the things I warn you off of in this article!
Now that you can tell when you are getting emotional, implement Distraction Techniques. The most powerful of these are breathing exercises and they are the first line of defense that should be implemented when you are feeling emotional.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Here are a few other techniques that are useful:

  • Put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it when you feel your trigger
  • Do positive affirmations
  • Meditate
  • Look at photos of Ryan Gosling
  • Take time away from the trigger

Once you have calmed yourself down and are not acting from a place of emotion, remind yourself of your plan. Any action you take after that should support your plan. This is how you achieve your goals.

If your actions or words do not move you along a path to your goal, you are doing yourself a disservice.

Here’s a picture of Ryan Gosling to get you started…

Now, let’s get down to business.

What Not to Do: Overwhelming Emotions

Don’t Beg

This is not attractive. In fact, it reinforces any unattractive qualities you have You don’t want to inspire pity. It’s not an effective strategy at all.

Don’t Gnat

Don’t send multiple texts, emails, or other types of messages. (not even carrier pigeons)

Just let it be. This comes off as needy, clingy, weak, angry, or psycho, and shows you really aren’t accepting the breakup. Therefore, it puts him in a position of power and undermines your power to get him back.

Don’t Show Up Where He Is

This means no “accidental bump-ins.”

Don’t buy coffee at his coffee shop constantly.

It’s better if he doesn’t see you until you’ve finished no contact and become. And even then, you want to plan your meetups one at a time.

During No Contact it’s better if he’s looking over his shoulder all the time, wondering if you are going to pop up. The only way that works is if you aren’t always showing up.

But the second that you pop up in his neighborhood, his work, his friend’s concert, or his favorite bar, guess what they are all going to say to one another? That’s right.

“Crazy.”

“Stalker.”

“She needs to let go and move on.”

Is any of this fair? Probably not. But I’m giving it to you straight. Don’t be that girl.

Don’t Pour Out Your Feelings

Don’t give into the temptation to write him a long letter or email.

Just.

No.

Stop.

He needs to be wondering what the heck is going on in your head.Actually, for you to have the best chance of getting him back, he needs to be wondering if you have already moved on from him. And hopefully how you moved on so fast? This bruises his ego, and men are very motivated when their egos come into play.

Don’t Have Outbursts of Emotion

For example, don’t do anything drastic like throwing all of his stuff in the street and set fire to it.

Now, you would have to be very, very angry to be contemplating something on this level. I’d venture to say you are not maintaining emotional control in this situation.

If you want him back, you have got to get ahold of yourself.

Yes, you can box up his things and get them out of your house. But, you should do so in an ice cold, totally controlled way.

The key to any breakup is to act or react in the absolute opposite manner to what your ex expects.

If he’s expecting you to go crazy, don’t.

It will throw him for a loop, and throw off his entire concept of how this breakup should be going.

He’ll begin to wonder whether or not he made the right decision.

Once he begins to question it, you can use your Ungettable-ness to convince him indirectly.

What Not to Do: Circle of Influence

Don’t go to his friends to talk about the breakup. It’s common sense. Keep your business between the two of you.

First of all, it makes you look stronger if you don’t appear to be devastated by the breakup.

Hopefully, it will be short-lived.

Secondly, they are his friends. They aren’t going to give you any real help, and it’s going to get back to him that you aren’t over him and are desperate to get him back.

This is how I feel about that.

It’s not attractive.

It’s not going to work in your favor.

What Not To Do: Another Woman

Don’t confront a suspected or known rival ever. It makes you look petty and achieves nothing.
The best method to deal with a rival is to act as if she does not exist and is of little to no importance to you.

You should not give her power in this situation by confronting her, no matter who she is.

If you want him back, ignore her.

The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program has specific advice on how to deal with rivals.

What Not to Do: Social Media

Don’t Stalk Him

This will only drive you bonkers and lead you to do something drastic when your emotions are heightened. It really doesn’t make a breakup any easier

Don’t Go Overboard With The Jealousy Posts
Another thing you need to watch out for with social media is being too fake, or obvious about trying to make your ex jealous.

If you start posting a lot of photos of you out with other guys, scantily clad and tangled up in various embraces, you could start a war you may regret very quickly. Or worse, you could get labeled as desperate and lose any chance of getting him back ever.

Don’t Post Pity Party Posts

Stay away from posting anything that screams,

“I just want people to feel sorry for me.”

That means to avoid any posts directed at “haters,” or about being single, or centered around moving on.

And don’t post a ton of inspirational posts either. No one is buying that you are that positive all of the time.

All of these are actually very transparent. It’s obvious to everyone what and who you are referring to, and it reflects poorly on you.

It doesn’t matter if he cheated on you, or started dating your former close friend, or left you in the lurch in any number of ways.

Join an online support group where you can post your thoughts, inspirational quotes, or gripes.

Anywhere the general public can see you should play it cool.

You must be mindful of your brand and your image. Keep it consistent and always in mind before you post anything.

Basically, you should decide how you wish to represent yourself through social media.

  • Do you want to seem bitter?
  • Do you want to seem petty?
  • Do you want to seem like a person who airs their dirty laundry and calls other people out?
  • How about a person who is hung up on what other people do, and must point it out?
  • Do you want the world to see you as someone who chooses to get drunk often and make bad decisions all of the time?

Do you think any of these are attractive? Would it be attractive to you if your ex was acting this way?
The only thing this will accomplish is getting people to talk about you… and I don’t mean in a good way.

Stay classy. No one wants you to be the subject of gossip or head shaking, now or later.

What You SHOULD Do After A Breakup

After a breakup, there are plenty of things you SHOULD. The first would definitely be to implement No Contact. It’s explained again and again on the Ex Boyfriend Recovery website and in Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro. During No Contact, you take time away from your ex with… no contact (duh) and use that time to work on yourself and become the Ungettable Girl.

So, for a certain period of time you ignore your ex, let the negativity from the breakup die down, and do your own awesome things.

Some examples are:

  • Working toward personal health goals, such as registering and training for an athletic event and teaming up with other people, friends or new acquaintances
  • Making a calendar or schedule for de-cluttering and organizing different areas of your life. In a month you will feel lighter and freer!
  • Getting your finances in order, set 1, 3, and 5-year financial goals, and find some ways to make extra income.
  • Writing those thank you notes you’ve been meaning to write.
  • That hobby you’ve neglected? Start scheduling daily or weekly time to devote to it.
  • Catching up with your girlfriends. Having people over, and scheduling some time to go out with people.
  • Reading books. Brushing up on the news.
  • Keeping your brain sharp with games. This also helps you meet people.
  • Paying attention to your appearance. Giving yourself a makeover, teeth, hair, polish your shoes, throw out your ancient makeup.
  • Calling your relatives and tell them you love them.
  • Traveling.

These are the types of things you should be doing even when you are in a relationship because these things are inherent to being an Ungettable Girl. You must retain that quality when you are IN the relationship. Have fun, and don’t let this breakup break you- it is making you!

The Take-Away

So, let’s review.

After a breakup, you need to accomplish several things:

  1. Learn to maintain emotional control
  2. Learn your triggers and adopt some distraction techniques
  3. Learn to navigate social media like a pro, projecting genuine confidence, strength, and positivity
  4. Knock out No Contact and become an Ungettable Girl

Now that you’re a pro, let’s have a conversation about your breakup in the comments below. I want to know a few things. First, tell me the details surrounding your breakup. Then, let me know what you’ve done since the breakup. And finally, I want to know what you think your next step should be after reading what I laid out in this article.

Our experts will work with you and help you figure out if you are on the right track.

What to Read Next

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100 thoughts on “What Not To Do After A Breakup If You Want Him Back”

  1. Avatar

    T

    February 22, 2021 at 5:00 pm

    After a year of wonderful weekends together (he lives a few hours away) my boyfriend started spending more time with his ex and their child (both facetime and in person). I would have nothing more than he be a part of his child’s life but when I notice growing distance on my side as he is getting closer to her, it hurts. I tried getting him to communicate with me when he would be hanging out with her but he refuses and it has caused several arguments. To be clear, the problem is his lack of communication, not his spending time with hi ex-wife or child.
    Finally after an argument where I told him I thought we were finally getting to a good place he responded with “are things ever really good with us” (or something along those lines) and I ended it. I packed my belongings and drove home, deactivated my Facebook account and haven’t contacted him
    I really want to work things out and I know he didn’t mean what he said in the heat of the moment because things are usually good. I am just not sure how to proceed.

  2. Avatar

    Tami

    February 2, 2021 at 12:20 pm

    We were in a 3 year relationship and living together. He moved out and broke up with me 2 days ago. He told me he cares about me and that he was happy in the past but not now. With COVID and other things going on in his life I know I’m not the only reason he’s unhappy. But I do know that we’ve probably become to comfortable and I was probably too clingy. I’m so confused because he’s been so affectionate especially this past month when he was planning on leaving. Does that mean he was second guessing his decision. Does that mean we have even a slight chance of working this out? We decided to talk in one month about what happened but he said he would feel the same way. I’m his best friend and he’s my best friend and I can’t imagine not having him in my life. I’m feeling horrible right now, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat and all I feel is numb. I just want to go back but I know the only way to go is forward. All I want to know if there’s a chance this isn’t the end. I know I need to do no contact but the only person I want to talk to right now is him. After he left he accidentally liked a picture of us on Instagram so I know he’s hurting too. I know he doesn’t think we will get back together but why was he acting so loving then right up until he did it? Why is he looking back at the times we were both happy? If we don’t get back together how long will this pain last? If we do get back together how do I make that happen?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 7, 2021 at 9:36 pm

      Hi Tami for your best chance of getting your ex back, following each step of the program is key. The information on this website is there to help you with each stage, starting with a No Contact and working on yourself.

  3. Avatar

    Shavonne Terry

    December 23, 2020 at 4:45 am

    Since the break up I have been trying cope with all of the above things you said . Everyone of them are examples of what I’m feeling.

  4. Avatar

    Guera

    December 2, 2020 at 12:23 am

    Me and my childrens father have been in a very toxic relationship on and off for over a year. He hasnt been there for my son who is now 2 months old at all and not during my pregnancy. After i had the baby i allowed him to see me once and a while to have relations like an idiot. Knowing i had no support from him. I became obsessive with being back with him and did quite few crazy things around him and our group of friends. I officially took the step to back away and try to get over him. Do you think he will ever reach out again? Do you think he will ever be a dad or always worry constantly about me and what i am doing and who i am with?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 2, 2020 at 5:11 pm

      Hi Guera, I cannot tell you what he will do I am sorry – but you can focus on yourself, getting over him and living your life as a good mother. Keep that door open for him to contact you about your son and wanting to be a dad. If he does not make the effort you should not chase or force him to be. Just be honest with your child when they are older that he chose to walk away from his responsibilities

  5. Avatar

    Loreitha Floyd Johnson

    November 18, 2020 at 9:24 pm

    I Still love my ex we broke up last year but have contact with each other off and on. He’s been seeing other women since our breakup .Just the other night he texted me and asked wyd I didn’t respond because I didn’t see text until next day. I texted back and told him I was out with friends and didn’t see text because I had my other phone with me instead of that particular one. Anyway I was at home sleep but I wanted him to think I was out having fun and not sitting bored. I hate I didn’t see it that night he probably wanted to talk do you think he will contact me again. ? His mom and I are cool and so there’s good connection . I miss him and want him to reach out to me again.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 19, 2020 at 5:30 pm

      Hi Loreitha yes it is likely that he will reach out to you again soon

  6. Avatar

    Sarah

    November 9, 2020 at 1:16 pm

    Me and my boyfriend broke up a couple of days ago, he’s been in my life for about 3 years and we have the same friendship group. We’ve been on and off but we seem to always find our way back to each other. But this time it seems final because of the stuff he’s saying, I don’t know what to do. He says he still loves me but he doesn’t want us to make each other unhappy. When we’re together we have the best times, there’s so much love there still. I’m heartbroken at the thought of us never being boyfriend and girlfriend.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 9, 2020 at 7:49 pm

      Hi Sarah, it is hard going through a break up but there is a reason that you keep breaking up and getting back together again. Spend some time working on yourself and try to work out why the break ups keep happening, and is he right that you both make each other unhappy? Be truthful with yourself as we often romanticize our relationships when we think they are over for good.

  7. Avatar

    Amie

    October 20, 2020 at 10:03 pm

    Today is Tuesday. Friday night, my world ended. My bf left me.
    We will call him Mark.
    Mark is very broken. Goes back the past 12 years, give or take. So stubborn, he tried to heal on his own and refuses therapy or help. He never healed all the way, so he kept getting cheated on along the way and his last gf was a monster. Lying, cheating, manipulative. 1.5 years he lived in that torment and paranoia.

    Fast forward to now. I was with him for a little over a year. For about the last 10 months, he got so engrossed with work, stocks, etc, but I got pushed to the wayside. No affection, no intimacy, I felt invisible. I was too afraid to talk to him about it because he already told me that he is just broken and he is giving me what he can. But he is aware that my needs weren’t being met. He felt guilty and hated seeing me unhappy, so he worked more to be away from me. For months.
    about 2.5 months ago, I was messaging a friend of mine that I worked with a year ago…no chances of running into him or anything and we have no history. I know he is all talk and no game, so he was giving me verbal validation. In a span of about 8 weeks, I had maybe 3 text conversations with him, got to a PG level, but nothing more; no sexting, no lewd or even risque pics, nothing like that. I felt better about myself. I actually tried to hook him up with one of my friends. I told him I was going to work on my relationship and I’m not leaving Mark, I love him. I blocked the friend from all contact.
    I don’t know why they did it or what they had to gain…a couple of us girls were talking about this guy when I was trying to hook the friend up with one of em. One of the girls decided to just out of the blue tell Mark about my having texted with the guy. Mark asked me about it, I told the truth as I have never lied to him or ever made him question his trust in me. He instantly broke up with me and told me he wants me to move out. He isn’t being pushy, telling me to pack, or anything. He told me about a day later that he was hurt and upset and understood why I did what I did, but he would never be with me because he doesn’t trust me.
    Yesterday, he wanted to talk to me. He told me that his mind is set and we are over, that he is broken and never got healed, that he needs to do this all on his own…he said he wants to be single, live by himself, and get a fresh start and heal.
    I hate walking around the same house as him right now because I am dying inside. He ignores me and locks himself in his room all day if he isn’t working or playing on his computer in the office. I have been praying hard, I love him, I want him back in my arms, I want this all to be just a nightmare…he won’t even look at me. But when he does, his voice is gentle, but like talking to a stranger. Killing me every day.
    I feel like I have no hope here, my heart is beyond destroyed. He won’t get help, he won’t look at me, nothing. Any help here would be nice.

  8. Avatar

    Becky

    October 17, 2020 at 9:20 pm

    Hi, my boyfriend dumped me 2 months ago after dating a year and had been goodfriends for 13 year. So I not only lost a boyfriend but also a dear friend. He came on very strong in the beginning. Talked of marriage and having a baby. I fell hard for him but as time when by he grew distant. He pulled away in March but came back around like nothing happened a week later. I spent about half my time at his house and I feel like it just became to much for him and he pulled away. I have been in no contact for 2 months. I have started drawing again. Something I haven’t done in 15 years. And I’m currently on vacation with my daughter. Im just not sure what to do next. I wonder daily when/if he will reach out and he never does. When do I move on? I would take him back today if I had the chance but the longer he stays away the more I think hes just not that interested anymore and I need to move on… please help

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 19, 2020 at 11:21 pm

      Hey Becky, start your ebr journey with No Contact and work on yourself in that time, make sure that you do not fall back into the friendzone if he does try to befriend you again. Work on your Holy Trinity and make sure that you read articles and help you through each stage of the program

  9. Avatar

    Liv

    October 5, 2020 at 11:45 pm

    Hi, I’m not sure how to go about this but I feel like I lost him forever and now I don’t know what to do. I’m the one that initiated the breakup thinking that it would make him chase me. Now before that we been having heavy tension and a fight because of something I posted on social Media and he didn’t approve. My ex boyfriend and I Been on and off for 5 years. We always bounced back from the tragic things in our relationship. We had the best bond and the relationship it was just recently that it got really ugly and just bad. Now I’m sitting here wondering what to do. I broke up with him 5 days ago and tried to talk with him today but he totally ignored me. I don’t know why but in my soul I don’t feel as devasted as I use to in my old breakups. I guess it’s because our love is strong and we always bounce back but I recently spoke with his friend and they told me his is numb and maybe tired of me. Not sure what to do. did I loose him forever ? Or is it just my thoughts that I need to fix? I wouldn’t say I am an emotional wreck because I love myself too much to put myself down. But I am sad about the whole situation.i just miss him deeply. how do i get through the no contact rule?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 15, 2020 at 7:21 pm

      Hey Liv, it sounds as if you have falling into a bad pattern with your ex and just carried on through a relationship that needed some TLC and real care. Spend some time in no contact and reach out after 45 days, but use this time to work on yourself and figure out what it is you want from a relationship and how you can be truly happy (single) before getting back into a relationship with anyone

  10. Avatar

    Grace

    October 2, 2020 at 1:55 pm

    Hey!

    It’s been 5 months since the breakup. I’ve done several to probably even most mistakes. I let me anger run lose, asked to reconsider, etc.
    I’ve also gone NC on my own accord as well. But considering I’ve done that several times I’m not sure if it’s still going to have any effect if I do it a 4th time.
    The reason I went into NC was because of the post breakup fights we often had and they were quite heavy. Now I’m on speaking terms with him again and I feel like I’m able to restore and create a new friendship.
    However, friendship is obviously not what I want at the end of the day. It’s also bugging me that he knows I still like him and I feel that decreases my chances if there are still any.

    What’s the best course of action for my situation? Do I keep up a friendship to fix all the fights we had and have us have a better base friendship or do I go NC again (will it even be effective still)?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 2, 2020 at 9:31 pm

      Hi Grace if you do not want a friendship with this ex then you need to take a step back and NC again 21 days would be acceptable as long as you do not tell him you are doing one. And then start following the program and the way Chris explains how to reach out and text your ex

  11. Avatar

    Kristen

    September 29, 2020 at 3:06 pm

    I’m still broken since my breakup and its been over 6 months today nothing changes for me still broken as if it day one please help me understand how I’m still feeling like this

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 1, 2020 at 9:22 pm

      Hi Kristen, a lot of people struggle to move past a break up especially when you do not have the right support behind you. Read about the Holy Trinity and how to improve your lifestyle and learn to be happy with yourself, make sure that you spend some time not focusing on your ex, focus on yourself for some time instead

  12. Avatar

    M

    September 16, 2020 at 9:32 am

    My boyfriend ended things with me after almost a year and a half together. We have spent nearly every single day together over the last 5 months due to Covid and this has taken his toll. We were having stupid arguments and both of us were acting in ways we normally wouldn’t. Over the last few months when we would get into arguments he would threaten to leave and never did. This has affected my confidence and played on my mind and hasn’t allowed me to enjoy the relationship. We went away for the weekend and had an amazing time, he couldn’t tell me enough how he had fallen in love with me all over again and how much he loved me. When we got back we had a silly fight and he left. Packed all his stuff and said it was over. I have been so angry as I feel like he hasn’t given me the chance to speak or talk through things. I sent a few angry messages which were all blaming him, which didn’t go down well. He said I hadn’t given him space and that it just shows he made the right decision. I replied and said I was sorry that I was hurt and angry and would leave him to his space and he knew where I was if he wanted to talk. 2 days later he messaged me to ask how me and my kids were. I’m confused as he asked for space but then contacted me 2 days after I hadn’t been in contact.

  13. Avatar

    Maria

    June 18, 2020 at 6:57 am

    Hi there,
    So my boyfriend of almost 2 years ended our relationship last night. For a number of reasons and I’ll admit I’m a little confused on what to think. For reference I’m 19 and he is 5 years older so he does have more experience than I given that this was my first serious and well only relationship. He has an ex from when he was a teenager that he’s been in contact with for a while and I won’t deny that’s it’s caused me some paranoia and added to my anxiety. My partner was aware of this as I’d brought it up to him a few times and yesterday I made the regretful decision of having that conversation with her. I had been friendly with her via social media and she seemed like someone I could go to for advice so my intentions were just to get some reassurance and in a way put my worry to bed. Because of this, she felt uncomfortable to talk to my partner anymore and told him this which resulted in being ‘the push over the edge’ in his words, to why he chose to leave me. He told me over text and a call while crying that it is not because of her but because I was making it difficult for him to maintain the friendship and he does have issues with ex’s who were abusive so I believe this has caused him distress. He would like for us to stay on good terms and said that one day in the future who knows but that he thinks this is best for us right now. So currently we are going into no contact from today and then he said he’d send me a message at some point. I do take responsibility for my anxieties and feel awful for how I’ve caused him to feel but of course naturally, I am hurt too. This article has helped me so much, it is exactly what I needed to hear and I’ll definitely take into account the points and tips mentioned within!

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    Anna

    May 25, 2020 at 2:58 am

    Hi
    My bf of 7 years broke up with me yesterday and I’m not sure if I should text him telling him how hurt I am and asking to meet up again when we are in the same state.

    We get along very well and had a fun relationship. We recently had to do long distance due to work. He slept with someone else and initially was sorry and said he wants to be with me. But a few weeks later after I forgave him he said he’s seeing this girl and that we should break up. I’m devastated. We had a chat for about 30mins on the phone and FaceTime – but he couldn’t face me any longer and asked if we can talk the next day I instead.

    I texted him saying no it’s ok I don’t need to talk further. I was pleasant – I told him I’m sad for the loss and I hope we will speak again on day or meet up if he’s back in the same state. Now I feel angry he didn’t give out relationship the breakup or closure it needed. I want to text him that and I want to ask him to meet up with me if he’s back in the same state. But I’m worried that would push him further away. I do want him back eventually. But not yet.

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    Mar

    May 1, 2020 at 8:28 am

    I just got broken up with someone I saw coming. Covid has made us hanging out mundane compare to our fun senior activities and he’s a person who reacts to what he feels more than what he sees in front of him. Boring and meh we’re how I made him feel so he gave up. I’ve talked to him before and had mental breakdowns I now realize are stupid and regret pushing him away doing that too much. I think he’s had these feelings before and he’s scared of giving it all because of past bad experiences where it all fades eventually. I wanna let him know changing his perspective and doing fun things with me is how to make it work again, but I doubt he realizes the perk of a relationship. I texted him all the day after he broke up with me asking for a chance after this was all over and not to give up on me. I think that was the wrong approach but I believed it was weird of him to get this way and really got terrified I lost him. He’s down to be a friend even if dating never works again, but I think I need to reasses my approach. As seen he’s annoyed by me because it’s mundane and not exciting. I will establish a no contact rule but how do I know how to break it when we must make a first move to text or hang out after this is done? I’m not sure if I seemed too clingy and want to say one more thing to throw him off. However he did ask me to stop repeating myself that he was going to try again and I believe we just need space. Should I text him I was dramatic and moving on or should I leave it at that and behind a no contact rule?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 9, 2020 at 4:44 pm

      Hi Mar, you need to leave it be and follow the No Contact rule

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    Jen

    April 21, 2020 at 3:30 am

    We met randomly sitting at a bar. We just started talking A little bit, both our friends left and we were there for another two hours just talking.We just Connected had so many interest and we’re looking for the same thing.He asked for my number and we went out on a second date a few days later. The second date was amazing just five hours flew by like we just got there. We were in a Relationship for two months it was a whirlwind! went to games concerts breweries. He was refreshing it was easy and effortless with him. He told me that I literally check off all the boxes that he’s been looking for we even talked about the future. he reassured me over and over again that he’s not going anywhere, I see us as a power couple, your wife material and get ready for the ride of your life. I put my wall down and loved like never before. A little about him he’s nine years younger than me married for 10 years has four kids divorced for year.marines 4yrs A month in I was getting overwhelmed because our relationship was on a fast track. I was having doubts because of my lifestyle change because I have no kids and my future a soon future would have four kids in it. I’m not afraid of the kids just a lifestyle change because my life has been come and go. change is scary We had a discussion about it and smooth things over and we’re on the same page. He even said the night after our conversation that he’s glad that we had that it’s feels good having open communication with you. Fast forward a month later everything was still going well and then he called me and said we need to talk, I can’t do this right now. His reasoning behind it because his kids are out of school now because of the COVID-19 so now getting home schooled he’s going to be filing for 50-50 and he said is not gonna be pretty And his kids are still going through the separation since the divorce. He said I can’t bring someone in their lives right now is not right I need to focus more on them. Your life is too different from mine, you want to travel and this and that I can’t do that I have to take care of my kids and put them through college. His kids are 10 9 5 &4. During that conversation I was very emotional It was a blur I was hurt and I just didn’t understand why.He broke my trust. He was pushing me away. He said look I couldn’t ask for a better relationship you’re an amazing person. But I just can’t do this right now. I can’t go back on it. I did send him a text 3 days after because I felt like I didn’t handle the conversation well I was crying, emotional and felt like I couldn’t get a word in edge wise. He made his Decision and that was it.The text pretty much I said I understand your situation That you need to focus on your kids and I respect that I understand your decision. I want you to know that I’m open arms to your life. I know my life is different from yours but my life never came to that. I wouldn’t date guys who had kids if I didn’t want that in my life.I hope everything works out well for you and your kids.
    That was 3 wks ago I sent it and no contact since. Which I know we both need. I know I should wait for him to contact me but it’s so hard. What do you think of the situation? Because honestly I know it’s only been two months that’s probably the best two months of my life that I’ve experienced with someone. The feelings I had with him with him were indescribable.

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    Rae

    April 15, 2020 at 10:19 pm

    I broke up with him because for a while communication has been a problem. Last weekend we got into a horrible argument over a simple misunderstanding and he was pretty horrible. I tried to talk to him about things, I accepted and apologised for my part but he refused to accept he had done anything wrong.
    I love him and I’m pretty certain he loves me too but I cannot be in a relationship where he wont admit when hes done something wrong.
    I basically broke contact, told him I still loved him, and that if he decided to contact me I would respond.
    I have been struggling not to contact him and have messaged him ‘How are you?’
    I know this is probably wrong but I wanted to know how hes doing after my rather dramatic exit.
    I dont want this to be forever but I’m not sure I know how to handle things

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 20, 2020 at 1:37 pm

      Hi Rae, so you keep breaking NC hoping for a different outcome that isnt going to happen as you are not giving it time. You need to complete a 45 day NC and stick to it or you are going to fail. You basically told your ex that when he is ready you will be waiting for him this is not the impression you want to give an ex, you need them to think you are going to move on if they dont make the effort.

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    Greia

    March 30, 2020 at 2:25 pm

    It’s been a year since we broke up. I’m not quite sure if I’ve already moved on because I didn’t feel any pain when I saw him with his new girlfriend but I find myself missing him wanting to forgive him and wanting to continue our relationship . What should I do? I know I shouldn’t be thinking about having him back but I just can’t stop.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 30, 2020 at 8:41 pm

      Hi Greia, I would suggest that you take some time before you decide if you are going to try and get him back, or are you missing being in a relationship. I suggest you date casually for the time being to see how you feel about new guys if you do not meet someone who is going to give you the same connection as your ex then you need to do the being there method as he has a new relationship

  19. Avatar

    Emmy

    November 11, 2019 at 1:37 pm

    Hi Shaunna,

    Thank you for your advice. I am on day 5 of no contact since the day of the break up. He has not contacted me since. He did call off the wedding, it’s canceled. I found out that he had been on Match.com for about a week now. He still has me on Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, and instagram. His relationship status is hidden on Facebook, but mine is still attached to his saying we are engaged. I’m in a couple of his pictures on his Facebook page, and my friend even said I am in one of his Match.com pictures. I’m in panic mode. I can’t lose him. We haven’t seen each other for over 3 weeks now. We will have to talk in person or talk soon about wedding canceling and house things. I can’t believe he broke up with me, I’m doing everything I can to make things right. What do I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 12, 2019 at 8:57 pm

      Hey Emmy, so you need to allow NC to take its course and the fact he is on match.com is just a distraction for him to not deal with how he feels. Also dating life is HARD these days so the longer he spends trying to find someone to be as good as you is going to take time and the more time that takes hes going to miss you more and the relationship you had. So for now focus on you and how to be Ungettable and how to be confidently happy without him. The key is to know you are going to be happy with or without him in your life. That is the goal and thats when he will realise you are not waiting around for him anymore

  20. Avatar

    Emmy

    November 7, 2019 at 3:46 pm

    My ex fiancé and I live together in a rental house with our dog. A little over a month ago I cheated on him with my only ex. I did not plan to, in the moment I made a terrible, irreversible decision. At first my fiancé was mad for a couple of days and left the house to stay at his parents. Then he came home for about 2 weeks. He was sad, stressed, upset, and just overall down. Things weren’t right, but I felt hope that we could get through this. I was still confused and unsure where I stood, so I started therapy and worked out some of my why’s. It wasn’t because the relationship was bad. I had gone through my parents getting divorced, my sister joining the military, my dad moving his girlfriend and her kids into our childhood home, and just worry about marriage as a whole. I knew I loved him and I wanted to be with him forever. I tested myself and my own boundaries and I completely screwed up. After those two weeks we talked and decided to get more space. He packed up stuff and stayed at his parents. It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve seen him, 2 weeks since he’s been at the house. We have talked semi often, a lot about the wedding logistics, and I have bothered him way too much about coming back and how sorry I am, etc. He said he needed time and space and his own therapy to work out how he feels, he’s heartbroken. He started getting more angry around that time and over the past 3-4 days I have kept my distance and not contacted him. He did contact me once about our rent and to ask how I was. Then last night he said he had made a decision and wanted to talk in person today. But I asked if that meant he was breaking up with me. Of course he can’t just leave that for 24 hours so he said yes and that he hasn’t loved himself enough to be in a relationship and it’s over. I called him and panicked and begged and cried and freaked out. He hung up on me and blocked me. I am in contact with his mom, she cares about me and is willing to talk with me, I made sure she didn’t feel obligated to. Now we have to talk in person tonight and he said nothing I say or do will change his mind. I want him back, I want the life we were building back. I love him with all of my heart, I made a terrible, terrible mistake. I will try to continue not to contact him now after we talk, but it will be difficult with the wedding, the house, and the dog we share. If I do that, do I still talk with him if he contacts and just don’t bring up the relationship any more? What can I do to get him back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 8, 2019 at 6:00 pm

      Hey so what I suggest you do is only reply when he contacts you for a while. And you are going to have to be super patient and understanding as this has hurt him as you said he is heartbroken yet hasnt ended the wedding plans so it isnt a bad thing. If he cancels the wedding you need to handle it gracefully. Stop apologising to him and asking him to come back because it is going to have the opposite effect on him. Acknowledging you did wrong and its good you been to work out why you did it. But he is going to go through some stages himself and you are going to be faced with some awkward questions as he goes through therapy too I assume. Grace, Calm, and let him take control of the situation for a few weeks. (maximum 45 days) before you start trying to talk to him normally and rebuild your trust

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