By Tara O' Malley

Breaking up is hard, and a lot of times it will throw you into a temporary tailspin.

For some, it takes only a short time to recover a sense of normalcy. For others, the surrealism can linger for much longer.

In either case, that initial emotional reaction to a breakup tends to drive people into making regrettable decisions. And that behavior can hurt your chances of getting your ex back.

So, yes. There are definitely things you shouldn’t do after a breakup.

First and foremost, there is one rule that should govern your behavior now that you have been through a breakup. The sooner you are able to master this rule, the better your chances of getting your ex back are.

Today, we are going to cover this one rule along with a number of other things that you should avoid doing after a breakup if you want to increase your chances of getting back together.

  • The Rule: Master Your Emotions
  • What Not to Do: Overwhelming Emotions
  • What Not to Do: Circle of Influence
  • What Not to Do: Another Woman
  • What Not to Do: Social Media
  • What You SHOULD Do

The Rule: Master Your Emotions

Becoming the master of your emotions, it sounds so easy, doesn’t it?

“Gee, thanks,” you’re thinking. “Is there a pill for that?”

I’m willing to bet there are some things happening, at least once in awhile, that make it hard for you to maintain that emotional control.

  • Your stomach hurts constantly.
  • You don’t have an appetite.
  • You feel nauseous.
  • You cry with or without cause at inopportune times.
  • It feels like there is a hole in your chest and you can’t catch your breath.

Perhaps you simply cannot concentrate very well these days. Once in a while, you might have mood swings that are based in anger and desperation.

You know what that means, don’t you?

Congratulations!

You’re human!

Don’t worry – all that is normal.

I try and consider it part of the blessing of having a heart in the first place.

I’m sure you have heard it before, but I’ll say it again. You aren’t the first person to feel this way, and you certainly will not be the last.

But, you must maintain emotional control if you want to win this breakup.

What does that even mean?

Maintaining emotional control means that you have to learn how not to act rashly when you are feeling emotional.

Your actions should all be separate from your emotion.

When in doubt, say nothing.

You should make a plan and stick to it.

I suggest using Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro to form a game plan since it has such great success stories and is so easy to understand. Not to mention that Pro does all of the thinking for you. That way you can just focus on implementing it and remaining calm and rational, like Val Kilmer, AKA “Iceman,” in Top Gun. He was cool as a cucumber under pressure. He may have been sweating during those aerial dogfights, but we never saw it. He chose his targets and followed protocol.

And looked fine doing it, if I might say so.

Now, why is it so important to be like the Iceman?

Well, it’s so that you don’t do or say anything you will regret in the heat of the moment.

We’ve all been there, reacting to a situation that gets us riled up.

Maybe we misinterpreted what someone said.

Maybe we jumped to a conclusion or blamed the wrong person.

Maybe, if we had taken a moment or slept on it, we wouldn’t have been so emotional about it. We could have turned the situation to our advantage instead of overreacting.

Since we’ve all been there I want to ask you a question. How did it feel?

If you are anything like me, it felt like a big bowl of regret.

I guess hat I am saying is that you have a choice. Be Ice Man or be Maverick. Be the person who keeps their cool or the one who gets stuck with regret.

You want to win, don’t you?

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

So, How Do I Maintain Emotional Control?

I will admit, sometimes it’s easier said than done.

You do have to practice. It takes willpower.

But, luckily, the more times you do it, the better you will get at it.

Here are a few tips:

Identify when you are feeling emotional. This should be easy. It’s basically whenever you feel the urge to send a group text to your girlfriends moaning or venting about something that is going on and getting them to weigh in. Learn to recognize these situations as they arise rather than simply reacting.

When this happens, STOP.

Recognize your state of mind.

You may have other triggers or telltale signs that occur when these situations happen. Pay attention to them.

Go ahead and text your girlfriends.

Just avoid any bad advice from them and don’t do any of the things I warn you off of in this article!
Now that you can tell when you are getting emotional, implement Distraction Techniques. The most powerful of these are breathing exercises and they are the first line of defense that should be implemented when you are feeling emotional.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Here are a few other techniques that are useful:

  • Put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it when you feel your trigger
  • Do positive affirmations
  • Meditate
  • Look at photos of Ryan Gosling
  • Take time away from the trigger

Once you have calmed yourself down and are not acting from a place of emotion, remind yourself of your plan. Any action you take after that should support your plan. This is how you achieve your goals.

If your actions or words do not move you along a path to your goal, you are doing yourself a disservice.

Here’s a picture of Ryan Gosling to get you started…

Now, let’s get down to business.

What Not to Do: Overwhelming Emotions

Don’t Beg

This is not attractive. In fact, it reinforces any unattractive qualities you have You don’t want to inspire pity. It’s not an effective strategy at all.

Don’t Gnat

Don’t send multiple texts, emails, or other types of messages. (not even carrier pigeons)

Just let it be. This comes off as needy, clingy, weak, angry, or psycho, and shows you really aren’t accepting the breakup. Therefore, it puts him in a position of power and undermines your power to get him back.

Don’t Show Up Where He Is

This means no “accidental bump-ins.”

Don’t buy coffee at his coffee shop constantly.

It’s better if he doesn’t see you until you’ve finished no contact and become. And even then, you want to plan your meetups one at a time.

During No Contact it’s better if he’s looking over his shoulder all the time, wondering if you are going to pop up. The only way that works is if you aren’t always showing up.

But the second that you pop up in his neighborhood, his work, his friend’s concert, or his favorite bar, guess what they are all going to say to one another? That’s right.

“Crazy.”

“Stalker.”

“She needs to let go and move on.”

Is any of this fair? Probably not. But I’m giving it to you straight. Don’t be that girl.

Don’t Pour Out Your Feelings

Don’t give into the temptation to write him a long letter or email.

Just.

No.

Stop.

He needs to be wondering what the heck is going on in your head.Actually, for you to have the best chance of getting him back, he needs to be wondering if you have already moved on from him. And hopefully how you moved on so fast? This bruises his ego, and men are very motivated when their egos come into play.

Don’t Have Outbursts of Emotion

For example, don’t do anything drastic like throwing all of his stuff in the street and set fire to it.

Now, you would have to be very, very angry to be contemplating something on this level. I’d venture to say you are not maintaining emotional control in this situation.

If you want him back, you have got to get ahold of yourself.

Yes, you can box up his things and get them out of your house. But, you should do so in an ice cold, totally controlled way.

The key to any breakup is to act or react in the absolute opposite manner to what your ex expects.

If he’s expecting you to go crazy, don’t.

It will throw him for a loop, and throw off his entire concept of how this breakup should be going.

He’ll begin to wonder whether or not he made the right decision.

Once he begins to question it, you can use your Ungettable-ness to convince him indirectly.

What Not to Do: Circle of Influence

Don’t go to his friends to talk about the breakup. It’s common sense. Keep your business between the two of you.

First of all, it makes you look stronger if you don’t appear to be devastated by the breakup.

Hopefully, it will be short-lived.

Secondly, they are his friends. They aren’t going to give you any real help, and it’s going to get back to him that you aren’t over him and are desperate to get him back.

This is how I feel about that.

It’s not attractive.

It’s not going to work in your favor.

What Not To Do: Another Woman

Don’t confront a suspected or known rival ever. It makes you look petty and achieves nothing.
The best method to deal with a rival is to act as if she does not exist and is of little to no importance to you.

You should not give her power in this situation by confronting her, no matter who she is.

If you want him back, ignore her.

The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program has specific advice on how to deal with rivals.

What Not to Do: Social Media

Don’t Stalk Him

This will only drive you bonkers and lead you to do something drastic when your emotions are heightened. It really doesn’t make a breakup any easier

Don’t Go Overboard With The Jealousy Posts
Another thing you need to watch out for with social media is being too fake, or obvious about trying to make your ex jealous.

If you start posting a lot of photos of you out with other guys, scantily clad and tangled up in various embraces, you could start a war you may regret very quickly. Or worse, you could get labeled as desperate and lose any chance of getting him back ever.

Don’t Post Pity Party Posts

Stay away from posting anything that screams,

“I just want people to feel sorry for me.”

That means to avoid any posts directed at “haters,” or about being single, or centered around moving on.

And don’t post a ton of inspirational posts either. No one is buying that you are that positive all of the time.

All of these are actually very transparent. It’s obvious to everyone what and who you are referring to, and it reflects poorly on you.

It doesn’t matter if he cheated on you, or started dating your former close friend, or left you in the lurch in any number of ways.

Join an online support group where you can post your thoughts, inspirational quotes, or gripes.

Anywhere the general public can see you should play it cool.

You must be mindful of your brand and your image. Keep it consistent and always in mind before you post anything.

Basically, you should decide how you wish to represent yourself through social media.

  • Do you want to seem bitter?
  • Do you want to seem petty?
  • Do you want to seem like a person who airs their dirty laundry and calls other people out?
  • How about a person who is hung up on what other people do, and must point it out?
  • Do you want the world to see you as someone who chooses to get drunk often and make bad decisions all of the time?

Do you think any of these are attractive? Would it be attractive to you if your ex was acting this way?
The only thing this will accomplish is getting people to talk about you… and I don’t mean in a good way.

Stay classy. No one wants you to be the subject of gossip or head shaking, now or later.

What You SHOULD Do After A Breakup

After a breakup, there are plenty of things you SHOULD. The first would definitely be to implement No Contact. It’s explained again and again on the Ex Boyfriend Recovery website and in Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro. During No Contact, you take time away from your ex with… no contact (duh) and use that time to work on yourself and become the Ungettable Girl.

So, for a certain period of time you ignore your ex, let the negativity from the breakup die down, and do your own awesome things.

Some examples are:

  • Working toward personal health goals, such as registering and training for an athletic event and teaming up with other people, friends or new acquaintances
  • Making a calendar or schedule for de-cluttering and organizing different areas of your life. In a month you will feel lighter and freer!
  • Getting your finances in order, set 1, 3, and 5-year financial goals, and find some ways to make extra income.
  • Writing those thank you notes you’ve been meaning to write.
  • That hobby you’ve neglected? Start scheduling daily or weekly time to devote to it.
  • Catching up with your girlfriends. Having people over, and scheduling some time to go out with people.
  • Reading books. Brushing up on the news.
  • Keeping your brain sharp with games. This also helps you meet people.
  • Paying attention to your appearance. Giving yourself a makeover, teeth, hair, polish your shoes, throw out your ancient makeup.
  • Calling your relatives and tell them you love them.
  • Traveling.

These are the types of things you should be doing even when you are in a relationship because these things are inherent to being an Ungettable Girl. You must retain that quality when you are IN the relationship. Have fun, and don’t let this breakup break you- it is making you!

The Take-Away

So, let’s review.

After a breakup, you need to accomplish several things:

  1. Learn to maintain emotional control
  2. Learn your triggers and adopt some distraction techniques
  3. Learn to navigate social media like a pro, projecting genuine confidence, strength, and positivity
  4. Knock out No Contact and become an Ungettable Girl

Now that you’re a pro, let’s have a conversation about your breakup in the comments below. I want to know a few things. First, tell me the details surrounding your breakup. Then, let me know what you’ve done since the breakup. And finally, I want to know what you think your next step should be after reading what I laid out in this article.

Our experts will work with you and help you figure out if you are on the right track.

What to Read Next

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78 thoughts on “What Not To Do After A Breakup If You Want Him Back”

  1. Avatar

    Mar

    May 1, 2020 at 8:28 am

    I just got broken up with someone I saw coming. Covid has made us hanging out mundane compare to our fun senior activities and he’s a person who reacts to what he feels more than what he sees in front of him. Boring and meh we’re how I made him feel so he gave up. I’ve talked to him before and had mental breakdowns I now realize are stupid and regret pushing him away doing that too much. I think he’s had these feelings before and he’s scared of giving it all because of past bad experiences where it all fades eventually. I wanna let him know changing his perspective and doing fun things with me is how to make it work again, but I doubt he realizes the perk of a relationship. I texted him all the day after he broke up with me asking for a chance after this was all over and not to give up on me. I think that was the wrong approach but I believed it was weird of him to get this way and really got terrified I lost him. He’s down to be a friend even if dating never works again, but I think I need to reasses my approach. As seen he’s annoyed by me because it’s mundane and not exciting. I will establish a no contact rule but how do I know how to break it when we must make a first move to text or hang out after this is done? I’m not sure if I seemed too clingy and want to say one more thing to throw him off. However he did ask me to stop repeating myself that he was going to try again and I believe we just need space. Should I text him I was dramatic and moving on or should I leave it at that and behind a no contact rule?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 9, 2020 at 4:44 pm

      Hi Mar, you need to leave it be and follow the No Contact rule

  2. Avatar

    Jen

    April 21, 2020 at 3:30 am

    We met randomly sitting at a bar. We just started talking A little bit, both our friends left and we were there for another two hours just talking.We just Connected had so many interest and we’re looking for the same thing.He asked for my number and we went out on a second date a few days later. The second date was amazing just five hours flew by like we just got there. We were in a Relationship for two months it was a whirlwind! went to games concerts breweries. He was refreshing it was easy and effortless with him. He told me that I literally check off all the boxes that he’s been looking for we even talked about the future. he reassured me over and over again that he’s not going anywhere, I see us as a power couple, your wife material and get ready for the ride of your life. I put my wall down and loved like never before. A little about him he’s nine years younger than me married for 10 years has four kids divorced for year.marines 4yrs A month in I was getting overwhelmed because our relationship was on a fast track. I was having doubts because of my lifestyle change because I have no kids and my future a soon future would have four kids in it. I’m not afraid of the kids just a lifestyle change because my life has been come and go. change is scary We had a discussion about it and smooth things over and we’re on the same page. He even said the night after our conversation that he’s glad that we had that it’s feels good having open communication with you. Fast forward a month later everything was still going well and then he called me and said we need to talk, I can’t do this right now. His reasoning behind it because his kids are out of school now because of the COVID-19 so now getting home schooled he’s going to be filing for 50-50 and he said is not gonna be pretty And his kids are still going through the separation since the divorce. He said I can’t bring someone in their lives right now is not right I need to focus more on them. Your life is too different from mine, you want to travel and this and that I can’t do that I have to take care of my kids and put them through college. His kids are 10 9 5 &4. During that conversation I was very emotional It was a blur I was hurt and I just didn’t understand why.He broke my trust. He was pushing me away. He said look I couldn’t ask for a better relationship you’re an amazing person. But I just can’t do this right now. I can’t go back on it. I did send him a text 3 days after because I felt like I didn’t handle the conversation well I was crying, emotional and felt like I couldn’t get a word in edge wise. He made his Decision and that was it.The text pretty much I said I understand your situation That you need to focus on your kids and I respect that I understand your decision. I want you to know that I’m open arms to your life. I know my life is different from yours but my life never came to that. I wouldn’t date guys who had kids if I didn’t want that in my life.I hope everything works out well for you and your kids.
    That was 3 wks ago I sent it and no contact since. Which I know we both need. I know I should wait for him to contact me but it’s so hard. What do you think of the situation? Because honestly I know it’s only been two months that’s probably the best two months of my life that I’ve experienced with someone. The feelings I had with him with him were indescribable.

  3. Avatar

    Rae

    April 15, 2020 at 10:19 pm

    I broke up with him because for a while communication has been a problem. Last weekend we got into a horrible argument over a simple misunderstanding and he was pretty horrible. I tried to talk to him about things, I accepted and apologised for my part but he refused to accept he had done anything wrong.
    I love him and I’m pretty certain he loves me too but I cannot be in a relationship where he wont admit when hes done something wrong.
    I basically broke contact, told him I still loved him, and that if he decided to contact me I would respond.
    I have been struggling not to contact him and have messaged him ‘How are you?’
    I know this is probably wrong but I wanted to know how hes doing after my rather dramatic exit.
    I dont want this to be forever but I’m not sure I know how to handle things

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 20, 2020 at 1:37 pm

      Hi Rae, so you keep breaking NC hoping for a different outcome that isnt going to happen as you are not giving it time. You need to complete a 45 day NC and stick to it or you are going to fail. You basically told your ex that when he is ready you will be waiting for him this is not the impression you want to give an ex, you need them to think you are going to move on if they dont make the effort.

  4. Avatar

    Greia

    March 30, 2020 at 2:25 pm

    It’s been a year since we broke up. I’m not quite sure if I’ve already moved on because I didn’t feel any pain when I saw him with his new girlfriend but I find myself missing him wanting to forgive him and wanting to continue our relationship . What should I do? I know I shouldn’t be thinking about having him back but I just can’t stop.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 30, 2020 at 8:41 pm

      Hi Greia, I would suggest that you take some time before you decide if you are going to try and get him back, or are you missing being in a relationship. I suggest you date casually for the time being to see how you feel about new guys if you do not meet someone who is going to give you the same connection as your ex then you need to do the being there method as he has a new relationship

  5. Avatar

    Emmy

    November 11, 2019 at 1:37 pm

    Hi Shaunna,

    Thank you for your advice. I am on day 5 of no contact since the day of the break up. He has not contacted me since. He did call off the wedding, it’s canceled. I found out that he had been on Match.com for about a week now. He still has me on Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, and instagram. His relationship status is hidden on Facebook, but mine is still attached to his saying we are engaged. I’m in a couple of his pictures on his Facebook page, and my friend even said I am in one of his Match.com pictures. I’m in panic mode. I can’t lose him. We haven’t seen each other for over 3 weeks now. We will have to talk in person or talk soon about wedding canceling and house things. I can’t believe he broke up with me, I’m doing everything I can to make things right. What do I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 12, 2019 at 8:57 pm

      Hey Emmy, so you need to allow NC to take its course and the fact he is on match.com is just a distraction for him to not deal with how he feels. Also dating life is HARD these days so the longer he spends trying to find someone to be as good as you is going to take time and the more time that takes hes going to miss you more and the relationship you had. So for now focus on you and how to be Ungettable and how to be confidently happy without him. The key is to know you are going to be happy with or without him in your life. That is the goal and thats when he will realise you are not waiting around for him anymore

  6. Avatar

    Emmy

    November 7, 2019 at 3:46 pm

    My ex fiancé and I live together in a rental house with our dog. A little over a month ago I cheated on him with my only ex. I did not plan to, in the moment I made a terrible, irreversible decision. At first my fiancé was mad for a couple of days and left the house to stay at his parents. Then he came home for about 2 weeks. He was sad, stressed, upset, and just overall down. Things weren’t right, but I felt hope that we could get through this. I was still confused and unsure where I stood, so I started therapy and worked out some of my why’s. It wasn’t because the relationship was bad. I had gone through my parents getting divorced, my sister joining the military, my dad moving his girlfriend and her kids into our childhood home, and just worry about marriage as a whole. I knew I loved him and I wanted to be with him forever. I tested myself and my own boundaries and I completely screwed up. After those two weeks we talked and decided to get more space. He packed up stuff and stayed at his parents. It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve seen him, 2 weeks since he’s been at the house. We have talked semi often, a lot about the wedding logistics, and I have bothered him way too much about coming back and how sorry I am, etc. He said he needed time and space and his own therapy to work out how he feels, he’s heartbroken. He started getting more angry around that time and over the past 3-4 days I have kept my distance and not contacted him. He did contact me once about our rent and to ask how I was. Then last night he said he had made a decision and wanted to talk in person today. But I asked if that meant he was breaking up with me. Of course he can’t just leave that for 24 hours so he said yes and that he hasn’t loved himself enough to be in a relationship and it’s over. I called him and panicked and begged and cried and freaked out. He hung up on me and blocked me. I am in contact with his mom, she cares about me and is willing to talk with me, I made sure she didn’t feel obligated to. Now we have to talk in person tonight and he said nothing I say or do will change his mind. I want him back, I want the life we were building back. I love him with all of my heart, I made a terrible, terrible mistake. I will try to continue not to contact him now after we talk, but it will be difficult with the wedding, the house, and the dog we share. If I do that, do I still talk with him if he contacts and just don’t bring up the relationship any more? What can I do to get him back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 8, 2019 at 6:00 pm

      Hey so what I suggest you do is only reply when he contacts you for a while. And you are going to have to be super patient and understanding as this has hurt him as you said he is heartbroken yet hasnt ended the wedding plans so it isnt a bad thing. If he cancels the wedding you need to handle it gracefully. Stop apologising to him and asking him to come back because it is going to have the opposite effect on him. Acknowledging you did wrong and its good you been to work out why you did it. But he is going to go through some stages himself and you are going to be faced with some awkward questions as he goes through therapy too I assume. Grace, Calm, and let him take control of the situation for a few weeks. (maximum 45 days) before you start trying to talk to him normally and rebuild your trust

  7. Avatar

    Aaa

    September 13, 2019 at 7:59 am

    My ex boyfriend broke up with me exactly a week ago, and since then until just today, I kept begging for him to come back to me. At first, when he broke up with me in chat, he told me it would just be a cool off and he said he still loves me. He also said we’ll still be the bestest friends. But just this week, when we saw each other again at school, he began to get colder and colder. And maybe annoyed too, because I kept going to him and asking him to change his mind. Then, he told me it can’t be fixed anymore and he’s not sure anymore if he’d still want me back in the future. That’s when he said that he’s really breaking up with me. I was so broken because he promised it would only just be a pause, and he wouldn’t have any relationship with other girls during this pause period, but then he changed his mind and now he’s making me feel that I shouldn’t hope anymore because he won’t ever go back to me.

    I’ve been so depressed since last weekend, but today I’m starting to accept it (for now). I still do hope he’ll still change his mind in the future.

    And I asked him just today if he still has feelings for me, and he said he only sees me as a friend now. It hurts so much.

    I know it’s my fault because I was too possessive of him and controlling. I was too manipulative. But I know my mistakes now, and I’m changing. I want him back. I love him so much.

    He’s telling me to move on, but I can’t do it. I’ll still wait for him, even though he already told me not to. We had been together for almost 3 years until the breakup. How is it too easy for him to let go of what he had? Meanwhile, I’ve been so sad and down.

    I need advice.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 15, 2019 at 12:33 am

      Hey Aaa, so first you need to complete a no contact, and work on yourself and healing from the break up. Sometimes our exes appear to be happy and able to deal with it so “easily” because they have decided they wanted to get out of the relationship so at this point he is relieved, this will chance during your process of doing no contact. He is solely focused on why he ended things at this point. Use no contact to find yourself and again and be the person he met three years ago only better. Read up about being ungettable

  8. Avatar

    Courtney

    July 25, 2019 at 2:05 pm

    I wish I would’ve come across this article earlier, because I have done everything that you said not to do. Is there even still a chance?

  9. Avatar

    Cassy

    May 24, 2019 at 2:16 pm

    Hi Chris,
    I’m very confused with my now ex I guess . It’s been a year with our ups and downs , I even forgive him for not telling me he saw the mother of his kid last December. Anyways, this is difficult as we are in a long distance relationship, we traveled together 2 weeks ago after not seeing each other since last October, we were fine until the end as he wanted mu to jump in a bus by myself for 11 hours to meet me in other State , he was driving motorcycle that he bought , but needed to find a place where it was easy to send back to our country. Before my trip I said I could go with him , but I didn’t want to be left by myself somewhere over there , so he replied he’ll leave the bike with his sister and we will be traveling together via bus to the other State , so that didn’t happen I got upset . I decided not to go by myself on a buss and I asked him to leave me on the station so I can go back home . We had arguments after that over the phone and we kept going back and forth mostly me I guess saying things to him , so he broke up with me . I asked him if he really want us to brake up or take a brake , I said if he really wants to brake up to let me know so we can finish everything. He replied to give ourselves a time as it seems impossible a space between us now . so I replied ok , that’s fine, that I understand . I also wrote that I think I do need that as well . So , he never replied anything after I wrote that , it’s been 3 days of no contact and what he did instead, he changed profile picture with an ex he had I think , the picture it’s kind of blurry that I can verily see her face . I know it’s an old picture . I’m confused. I asked him if he wants us to break up for good that I will respect that’s and he says to give us time instead. I really love him and I don’t know what to do or think now . Is he playing mind games with me ?

  10. Avatar

    Cassi

    March 12, 2019 at 3:57 am

    Hi Chris,
    I was in LDR for a year with a men whom is 13 years older then me , he was separated from his previous relationship when we met , but has 2 kids (teenagers ) with this person . We had a few trips together ,got along really well and talked every day . However, he started acting distant since last October, so I asked him if everything was ok and he said yes, he was having a lot issues at work . He travels every year with his oldest son for New Years, so he told me he’ll be traveling with his sister , son , nephew and daughter for New Years. He was talking and texting the whole entire time during his trip with me . Anyways , to make it short , I saw some pictures his sister posted on Facebook and made it public and there was someone on that picture standing next to him that he never mentioned. I was wondering, but didn’t ask anything about it . The next day , I was trying to take a close look to the pictures, but surprisingly I was blocked by the sister and we weren’t even friends .. we kept talking and I acted like I didn’t know anything about it . So he came back from his trip and I was the traveling after the holidays for my birthday . While on my trip he started acting distant again and at tha point I had enough. I texted him after my trip and confronted him , he couldn’t deny that It was his ex on the pictures. He told it was not what i was thinking, that it was for the kids . He begged no to stop talking to him that he wants me around him and tha he loves me . He asked to forgive him for him not being honest with , so I couldn’t take it and I stopped all contact with him and I even blocked him from Facebook. It’s been 4 weeks, but he hasn’t even reached out to me since then . Info miss him , but I don’t know if the no contact would work between us

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      March 12, 2019 at 8:50 pm

      Hi Cassie!

      So in my Program, after 21-45 days (on average) of NO Contact, I advocate that one should reach out to their ex using a certain methodology. I get into all those details and much more in the EBR Pro Program. So you be nearing the time to initiate contact to trigger a potential response from your ex.

  11. Avatar

    Agata Ruminska

    February 24, 2019 at 6:00 am

    Hi,
    We have been dating for 4 months. We broke up twice actually and it was always his decision, even though after the first break up I was wondering about it myself but could never do it as I wanted to give it a chance…
    First break up was sudden, I remember this day texting him if we can make it together despite our differences in character and he was supportive and positive. Later that day I was the one having doubts and I think my mistake was to unleash everything on him. I consulted my parents, friends I remember and everyone was sceptical of him, because we were never formally together, and for new year eve (after we were dating for 2 months) he didn’t even offer me to go on a trip with him and his friends. I was angry and disappointed because after 3 months of dating I still haven’t met his friends (only one but it was a girl that he was previously interested in, funny story we are good friends now) and I was putting pressure on him. And he said something like I don’t know what to do, I’m just not ready to introduce them to you as we are not officially together and so on. It’s maybe important to mention that I was the second girl he ever dated, previously he was in 5-years long relationship that he only talks about in a negative manner (they were 17 when it started, it ended about 2 years ago). And he told me his ex never wanted to meet his friends, it was the same with the phone calls as he told me he has negative connotations with them, every time he phoned me was because I asked him to (however over conversations were very nice and I almost always I was the one to finish them, not him unlike texting in the last month). Anyway, in the evening after his job he texted me that maybe we cannot make it work, he tried, I’m the wonderful girl and he hopes I will still do those amazing things. I asked him to come, and he did, after a huge fight, he came back in the middle of the night calming me down and in the morning he said he wants to give it a try after all.
    My another big mistake was not giving him needed space after it and time. Instead of doing it I just pressure him more and more, and cling desperately, because I was afraid that he will break up with me again, I started to panic. After 2 weeks I went on 2 weeks trip with my parents, and when he didn’t reply for like few hours I got jealous and worried. He was angry but also worried about me that I don’t enjoy the moment but only think about him. I’m sure now he felt crowded.
    And yes, after I came back he broke up with me again. He told me he wanted to come pick me up at the airport, but he made his decision to break up with me and to stay friends so he didn’t want to upset me or give me false hope. We talked, I cried, whole night I gave him terrible messages but he said that he doesn’t care as long as I’m in his life and he kept on repeating how important I am to him. The next day I asked him to come pick up his stuff and he did appear twice this day, before and after work. We hugged, he brought me a meal and it was really great. We stayed friends for 12 days, and to be honest it was better than before. He cared more, I was much calmer and gave him more space, but on the day 12th he didn’t replied for 5 hours and I asked him straightforward if he was on a date, and he said “kinda, yes”. And I declined his offer to meet at the cinema the next day, he apologized, he waited the next day for me at the cinema and told me how upset and sorry he was that I wasn’t there and he didn’t want to hurt me… But it was just too much to me, I wrote him just that I do think he is a kind, good person but he just acted unfair towards me. And then I found your blog and it’s my 8th day of NC. I still have feelings for him, but I mostly do miss him as a wonderful friend he was, but I know that at the moment I just can’t stand him going out with another person. Maybe I do need to teach myself this coolness, being UG girl, heal myself and then I can try again to contact him, now I know I’m just too emotional to handle it properly like you described in your blogs.
    During NC I try my best to do things for myself and become the better version of myself. To regain my confidence, self-worth, to just make myself feel better in a healthy way. I signed for shooting class (guns and bows- as it was always something I wanted to do), I picked up more training and classes to teach (I’m a private tutor), I spend more time with my family and try to travel even a bit or take walks (often without my phone), I also signed up first time in my life for a photo session with professional make-up. I always dreamed about it too, to have really nice pictures of myself but I was always too afraid. I think this is the best time to do that. And if by the way I can remind my ex how pretty and awesome I am, I think it’s for the best 🙂
    I have to admit, doing NC is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And I am aware that if I do tried to get my ex back this will be another, probably even harder process. And no matter how strongly I want to contact him, I know that I have to be prepared for it, in order to try my best but this time do it much more wisely, with more confidence and awareness and I have to be prepared for the worst. I really agree with your moving on without moving on philosophy, some time ago I found this quote in some book “in order to get it, one must forget it” and I think it’s something similiar. So, I just hope in another 22 days I will get ready to “forget” him, so I can “get” him 🙂 Unfortunately, 7 days are not enough for me, but I also need to give myself time, work on my patience and just think positive 🙂

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 24, 2019 at 7:01 pm

      Yes Agata…NC can be challenging emotionally on some levels, but it can be a godsend on helping you get focused on your healing/recovery. Consider picking up my 245 page eBook, “The No contact Rule Book” if you need a deeper dive!

  12. Avatar

    Ashley

    May 11, 2018 at 3:58 am

    Hi there, my bf broke up with me out of the blue around two months ago. We’re college students. We hadn’t been together very long, just three months. Still, I thought we were going strong. But the break up surprised me since he said he lost the spark. There were other reasons thrown in as well but he cited that as the main reason. I hadn’t felt us drifting apart so his reason confused me. Two days after the break up, I asked to talk about what happened again but he refused. He said we needed time and we could talk in a few weeks if I still wanted to. But he hoped we would stay friends. I didn’t contact him for three weeks. Then when I texted him, asking to talk again, he refused and said we just needed to move on. So the day after, I sent him a long text telling him it was too bad he went back on his word. And that he should have just talked to me about any concerns he had during our relationship instead of pretending everything was ok. And I also told him that once he was thinking of ending things, he should not have still acted like he cared. At the end of the message, I just thanked him for reading it. The whole thing was quite sterile in tone. A few days went by and he suddenly unfriended me on Snapchat and Facebook after I posted a selfie on the former. I was shocked and hurt. And then I found out from friends that he was avoiding me. True enough, he acted like we were strangers when we attended the same events. Another three weeks went by and I posted an Instagram story for the first time. The next day, I saw that he had viewed my story but I also saw that he unfollowed me right after.
    His actions really confuse me and I’m not sure what all of it means. I’ve been reading EBR’s articles and find the perspective they provide really interesting. What do you think I should do based on my situation?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 11, 2018 at 4:28 am

      Hi Ashley…Its hard to know the mind of some guys. Perhaps he is just not relationship material at this time in his life. I am not sure what his past history is with other girls or if he even talked about that with you. I know it hurts. But accept that you may never get clarity from him and in the scheme of things, you shouldn’t think in terms of you did anything wrong. There is really no wrong and right with such things. Its beyond that and there are no words to appropriately describe what I mean. We all are making connections, some stick, some don’t.

      If you are looking for some support, you might consider my Private Facebook Support Group Community…It has about 1500 women in it now and there is a lot of synergy and sharing. You can learn more at my website Menu/Products link. The way I see it, the future is always moving with many possibilities. I see different paths we can all take. With experience and good common sense, we can choose a path that leads us to better places in our lives.

    2. Avatar

      Ashley

      May 11, 2018 at 7:03 am

      I was the longest relationship he had ever been in. And I do know that in his previous relationships he was the one who was dumped.
      Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it. I’ll look for that group you suggested.

    3. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 11, 2018 at 3:03 pm

      So me may be a bit committment shy given the outcome of his previous relationship. Could be a little emotional scarring. As far as the Private Facebook Support Group you can learn more by going to my website Menu/products section and read about it

  13. Avatar

    Natasha

    May 8, 2018 at 1:37 am

    Hi my boyfriend for almost 4 months. We are both at our 30s. He had a couple nasty relationships and a divorce. He told me he has been seeing a psy. on his relationship problems. We were happy together and he said I am the best girlfriend that he ever had with the most “relaxing” relationship. However, he suddenly said he can’t feel the love anymore 2 weeks ago and he can’t get that back even if he tried so he decided he is happier being single and break up with me. We talked about this in person and told him I want another chance of us. He seems not very convinced that he can get that spark and says he wants to be single so I said lets cut off contact for the week first. I know it is only 4 months and probably moving on is the best option. But I really like him and do want to give it another try, given the short time we have been together, should I still stick to the 30days NC rule? And how can I get him back even if the reason of breakup is he fell out of love?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 8, 2018 at 4:47 am

      Hi Natasha…well perhaps he thinks he knows what he wants in life, but sometimes our feeling can play tricks on our minds as to what is best for us. If you haven’t picked up my ebook, Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro, then you should consider it strongly as it is a comprehensive Guide that covers off on so many things you can do to optimize your chances. I do think NC is in order and remember, the focus during this time should be on you and your recovery. Just go visit my website Menu/products link and take a look at some of the resources there.

    2. Avatar

      Natasha

      May 8, 2018 at 12:42 pm

      Thanks Chris. I will stick to NC first and see if we can start off a conversation lightly first…..

    3. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 8, 2018 at 2:41 pm

      Hi Natasha…best of luck to you

  14. Avatar

    Lynn

    April 14, 2018 at 4:30 pm

    Hi, my bf of 9months and i ended it just last week. We are both matured professionals in our 40s with kids; him in the final stage of divorce while i am separated. We were also in a LDR; different countries, 2hours flight fr each other. When we were still together, he would visit me vice versa every month, he himself even planning it so we get to see each other physically, while maintaining communication daily. We met online and hit it off well because our marital situation was/is very similar ie abusive. We were each other’s support system, best friends. But my temper, or what he described as “anger that leads to irrational behaviour” was a dealbreaker to him. Hes a terrific guy; very patient, one who seeks to resolve rather than bury the issue and cares deeply for me and the wellbeing of my kids. But i have my insecurities – our LDR amplified by the fact that our relationship was kept under covers because of his on-going divorce and my ‘still legally married’ status, meaning no one knows of the relationship other than he and I. He broke it off because he said he couldn’t handle my anger and irrational behaviour (behaviour i believe is caused by the LDR and that our relationship is not open). He did maintain that he treasured our friendship and wants to remain friends but i told him i prefer a clean break and not be friendzoned/friends for obvious reasons. We continue texting 2 days into the breakup, mainly cos he was concern about one of my kids. But yesterday i decided to apply no contact with him soon after i came across this website. Character-wise, he is a very rational thinker (an ESTJ in the MBTI scale) so he compartmentalize feelings vs thinking very well. Would NC rule work on such person? I love him dearly and believe we are good for each other eventho he thinks we are incompatible (i am a ISFJ). But like i said, hes a thinker thus he thinks more of the incompatibility rather than complementary (his E vs my I; his T vs my F). I also truly believe he decided to break it off because (1) he is taking up a more demanding role at work; (2) his teenage kids are starting to show signs of distress cos of the divorce and, (3)the divorce process itself.My question is (1) do i apply the 21days or 30days rule?; (2) would the NC rule work on Thinker like him? Since hes a Thinker and i am terrified the move may backfire; (3) i was a bit emotional when he broke it (cried my eyes out and asked that we speak face to face instead of doing it over the phone); did i break the cardinal rule of a NVC already?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 18, 2018 at 4:58 am

      Hi Lynn….I agree…this is a tough time for him. So giving him space (thru No contact) will help in that respect. Maybe up to 14 days. Then just a little feeler text. If you haven’t already gotten a copy of my ebook, Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro, give it some thought because it is rather comprehensive it could prove very useful. I talk about Psychological Reactance which all of us succumb to, no matter how smart we are. Our brains are wired in a certain where is it difficult to bypass the circuits.

    2. Avatar

      lynn

      April 18, 2018 at 6:16 am

      Hi Chris, thanks for the reply. I really hope Psychological Reactance works on him cos he is very rational and stubborn at times I just don’t know how to get through to him. And due to his abusive childhood, he is very cold and lacks emotions, even to his own children (IMO). I will try the 14days NC and see how it goes.

    3. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 18, 2018 at 11:15 pm

      Best of luck Lynn!

  15. Avatar

    ChiChi

    April 12, 2018 at 8:55 pm

    Hi, my boyfriend of 2 year broke up with me 3 weeks ago. I handled the actual break up with grace, we’re both about to graduate college and he’s terrified of the future. So I accepted his heartfelt break up, of course cried, but have known for sometime that he had way too much on his mind. 1 week later I did write him a lengthy message recapping where I thought we went wrong in the relationship and basically saying I didn’t think this had to be the end. He responded that one day he would probably be kicking himself because of how great I am (smirks because I know) but that based on how he feels right now we can’t be together. I also reached out to one of our mutual friends just saying that he has a lot on his plate and not a lot of people to talk to, please keep an eye on him. I know. I did two bad things. But since then, I’ve been 2 weeks no contact, only problem I run into him at the bars often. I usually pretend he doesn’t exist but we have made eye contact that feels like it last an eternity. Am I on the right path?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 12, 2018 at 9:53 pm

      Hi Chi Chi…really cool name. Yes, i think you are on the right path. NC works for a lot of people. Its meant to help you heal and focus on your needs and also help you with rebuilding the attraction. Just make sure you have a good plan. If you need a thorough template on how to proceed just click on my website menu/Products and take a look around. Lots of good resources there.

  16. Avatar

    lavanya

    April 8, 2018 at 3:22 am

    Hi
    ita been 10days since we broke up. But not exactly. I hurt him badly. He was so angry at me and didnt reply to my txt. I implemented no contact. But within 5days he texted me normally. The next day he tried hard to bring back the emotiona that he felt. at the end of the day he fought wit me and ended up saying i dont feel like coming back. I am relaxed now. I am now just confused. He never officially broke up though this can be considered as breaking up. I did those mistakes like begging and all that. I really want to get back to him but he is not in that state. he feels he is actually wrong in lovng me coz i didnt blive him…the entire fight stadrted when i began to feel he ll leave and startef pestering the same by askng him. I know i have triggered it and ended badly by saying hurtful things ina the heat of the moment..Do i even have a chance of getting back to him? how do i proced further?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 10, 2018 at 3:58 am

      We see a ton of situations exactly like this so don’t feel that you have the first unique situation in mankind! Also, I think you have as good of a chance as you will give yourself. Allow me to explain that statement. Half the battle isn’t understanding what to do it’s about executing.

    2. Avatar

      lavanya

      April 10, 2018 at 4:31 am

      yes chris. I m ready to execute. But then he initiates contact everyday. He wants to converse with me. Infact calls me if he hasnt seen me online for rest of the day.He is pretty confusing. He shows interest at the same time says he doesnt want to come back. He is in absolute control of the situation. He neither comes nor goes Here should I start no contact rule or just keep the conversation going? If at all I initiate no contact at this point will it push him away? I ask this because when i offered him space he said “if at all i go on a break coz of anger i ll never return back.”

    3. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 10, 2018 at 11:49 pm

      It’s like he wants to bully in to replying, but does not yet now what he wants. He is sorta fixed on you like a drug, I think Yes, I see the risk. Perhaps slowly wean him off….sort of a Wean Off No Contact Strategy. That way nothing sudden happens to blow up your chances and hopefully he will show his true cards in the near future.

  17. Avatar

    Jazmin Issac

    March 30, 2018 at 10:44 am

    Hi my boyfriend and me lived tgthr for 18 months broke up with me a week ago because I became too possessive and also we had a bad ending since we live together and frst few days I dint contact him because he had blocked me n so I sent him a long text saying day he should do fine and bring success in life but days went by and I was trying to move on it was OK at first but then yesterday I came to his room to talk about what was happening thinking dat I might convince him and so I tried to hold on to him saying sorry I extended my limits but he is not willing to be back with me but still I tried thinking dat he will want me later n now I feel I sudnt have begged him as he was saying he needs a time off….and ol so I don’t know how to get him back I seemed too desperate but now I wont

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 3, 2018 at 2:05 am

      I have a question.

      Are you guys still living together/

  18. Avatar

    Chloe

    March 21, 2018 at 8:26 pm

    My ex boyfriend broke up with me around a month ago now, i didnt beg i just asked him if he was sure? And he said yes. I left him alone I started doing all the things id wanted to do, driving, applying for jobs, the gym, making plans ect, he constantly watched my snapchat and instagram closely even though id unfriended him, i occasionally got a rude message asking if i ever cheated and i gave in only because i wanted to justify myself but i kept it rather blunt, he tried again and again these messages started to become rather sexual, i told him i would not entertain him. I posted a picture at the cinema watching a film, he assumed this was a date and i recieved a message that evening where are you? Id decided to not reply to his messages anymore at all even if i was being blunt, i had another and another, he wanted to come and collect his belongings from my house, so i went out to the car dumped them on the back seat he said please get in i just want to talk to you, he got rather upset asking me who this other guy was i said dont ask me anything to do with my personal life, we talked abit more about how life was going and he asked again who is the guy and do i really like him and said i hope he makes you happy then, i left and he messaged saying how nice i looked i said thankyou. He then viewed my snapchat again of me out for a meal and messaged saying how many dates are you going on? And is this the guy your trying to go further with? I told him not to ask me about these things and to take care. I havnt heard from him since? Am i just pushing him away?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 27, 2018 at 12:42 pm

      Hi Chloe,

      If you kept answering him and just end up fighting with him, yes, you are pushing him away.. If you’re going to do nc, you have to stop replying to him…

  19. Avatar

    Sukrutha

    March 7, 2018 at 2:46 am

    Hello. I have been reading the articles on this site for a while now. Me and my ex were together for 5 months. It was a LDR except for initial 3 weeks. He lives in France and me in India. He broke up with me because I had asked 2-3 times for it and it led him into depression. Even after breakup we were in touch for a month. It was on and off. But 2 days ago he called it off totally and I begged a lot to him to not do this. I am not very proud of the begging. Now he says he has to focus on himself and build himself back up again. So he needs time. And he wants to fall out of love with me. Which hurt the most. I did the NC and within a day he texted about a conversation we had earlier. I haven’t replied to it. Should I continue the NC? What are the chances of him getting back with me given that he is under depression?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 10, 2018 at 8:17 pm

      Hi Sukrutha,

      Have you tried our quiz? Why did you ask for break ups before? If you’re on and off follow the advice on this one:
      How To Get An On Again/Off Again Boyfriend Back

  20. Avatar

    Bee

    March 5, 2018 at 3:23 pm

    Hi, my ex and I broke up a few days ago and since then I have been reading your posts and figuring out that getting him back or just moving on isn’t as hard as it seems. I am putting the NO Contact Rule in to action, besides when we figure out giving our things back to one another, but even then I’ll make it short and sweet and stay classy.
    Our break up was partially a mutual decision by the end although it started off with his thoughts initially. We didn’t have a bad break up, no arguments, just having what seemed like a mature adult conversation. I have been reading the articles you guys have put up since the break up because I still have hope. My initial gut instincts and thoughts where ‘this isn’t over. I don’t believe it. We just need time to figure out ourselves before we get back together.’ and I’m no psychic but I feel that is all it is.
    When we had the conversation about breaking up, he told me that I need to become more mature and figure out how to work well with money, and I’m indirectly going to insure him that that is what I can do. I do not believe I am an immature person, but I do believe there are aspects of me that do seem immature, such as mood swings.
    Another point I have is that he says he still wants to be friends. To me this is him saying that there is a possibility of us getting back together if I do change what he has mentioned to me and there is that possibility that he will regret his decisions down the line as I have realised that even in the attempt of us still being friends, there will always be strings attached. He said he’s still there for me and cares, trust and respects me. So that is giving me hope that it will work out.
    I forgot the mention that we were in a relationship for 15 months that meant the world to both of us and made us both better people in individual ways.
    Do you think there is hope for us getting back together if I have already started putting these points in to action?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 10, 2018 at 12:39 pm

      Hi Bee,

      If you are improving, yes, you do.. Have taken our quiz?

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