It’s a question I get asked every single day.

“What is he thinking?”

Or if you want me to be more specific:

“Now that I am in no contact can you explain what is going on in his mind?”

I decided to put this guide together to put a rest to these questions once and for all. I am going to be attempting to explain everything I know about how men react to the no contact rule. If you aren’t familiar with my website then let me give you a quick breakdown of what I am all about.

Every single “guide,” I like to use the word guide to explain my posts/articles because it sounds more authoritative, anyways, every single guide I have ever written is very long and in-depth and this particular guide will be no different. Some of the things I talk about may be hard for you to hear but at it’s core it will come from a place of truth.

In the end, I subscribe to the theory that in order for me to best help you get your ex boyfriend back you need to see the entire picture and that is what I am doing here with this guide, helping you see the parts of the picture you are missing.

(Side Note: If you want a full accounting of the “big picture” that you are missing the best place for you to start is with Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO my massive book detailing all of my best theories on how to improve your chances with your ex.)

Your Failure Of The No Contact Rule

Every single day I carve out an hour or two to answer comments and questions from the readers of this site.

At times I feel like a robot constantly repeating myself…

“Have you done NC?”

“Are you currently in NC?”

Some women will tell me that they tried the NC rule but failed after only 4 days. Others make it deep into “uncharted territory,” 10 days, before they fail.

I get it.

The no contact rule can be an extremely hard thing to complete. After all, I am asking you to essentially cut your ex boyfriend off for a full month. To be more specific, you can’t talk, text or respond to any type of communication from him.

(If you would like a full explanation of the No Contact Rule please visit this page or simply watch the video below,)

It’s funny to me that so many women fail at something SO CRUCIAL to get their ex boyfriends back.

I mean, if I told you that you would get a 100% success recovery rate if all you had to do was make it through 30 days without contacting your ex there would still be some women who would fail at not contacting their ex.

I liken it to a little kid being told “you cannot have that cookie.” The little kid knows that it is wrong to take a cookie from the jar but decides to do it anyways. Are you seeing the analogy yet?

You= the little kid.

Your ex= the cookie.

Now, lets take a look at WHY you keep reaching your hand in the cookie jar.

Whenever I write one of these guides I tend to do a lot of outlining and research. However, when I asked myself a simple question “why is it that so many women keep breaking NC?” I didn’t have to look very far for the ansewr. In fact, if you are a constant reader of this site then you won’t have to look very far either. A simple viewing of the comments should give you a pretty clear picture.

Oh, I broke NC because I didn’t want him to think less of me…

I didn’t know what he was thinking and it was driving me nuts…

I am afraid he will lose interest in me…

What if he runs off with some other girl…

With all of the concerns listed above what is the one constant?

While I admit there are many constants in the concerns above the correct answer I am looking for lies in a simple truth. Any woman who implements a no contact rule is uncertain about what is going on in her exes mind.

Therein lies the foundation on which this guide was built, helping you to better understand what goes on in your exes mind so YOU can succeed with the no contact rule!

Understanding Men During NC

It doesn’t take a genius to tell that men and women are very different creatures.

Men, much more physical, tend to lack when it comes to social situations.

Women, much more social, tend to lack when it comes to physical situations.

This is an interesting view to take when you look at our species as a whole. It explains why men need women and women need men. However, it also explains why we get our wires crossed so often.

I am a man. I understand how they think. I understand why most of my peers do the things they do. This puts YOU in a very unique position because I am spreading all of our dirty little secrets. Every single one I want to give you access to so you can better understand us.

To be more specific, I am going to be talking about how a man can possibly react (and what he will think) when a woman implements a no contact rule on him.

The first thing I need to teach you has to do with the differences in men.

Men Are Different From Women

george carlin men vs women

Above I established that men and women are different creatures. Well, I would like to take that a step further and say that not all men are the same. For example, what I find attractive in a woman another man may not.

One of my best friends springs to mind here. As two young single guys we often talk about one topic, women. I remember a few months ago my friend went on this rant about how he likes a particular “type” of woman. After his rant I chimed in and explained the type of woman I liked. In the end, we agreed to disagree but I think this little anecdote proves an interesting point.

What may be true for a lot of men may not be true for your man.

This is an important concept to understand because what I am about to explain next only exisits because of the “men are different from men” phenomenon.

When it comes to the no contact rule I have found that there are 7 main reactions and thoughts that men will have. Each reaction is different from the other in its own unique way. Now, I will eventually get around to explaining the “reactions” to you but first I need to teach you something else.

Whatever Reaction You Get Depends On Your Relationship

relationship meme

Above I established that each man is different in his own unique way. That concept will certainly have a “tie in” to the 7 different reactions I talk about later in this guide but if I am being completely truthful with you then I would say that what I am about to explain here is the single biggest factor into HOW your ex is going to react during the no contact rule.

I want you to think back to your old relationship.

Now, obviously your old relationship failed for some reason. Right now that doesn’t matter. Right now we are going to be looking at something far more valuable. Something I like to call the aftertaste effect!

What Is The Aftertaste Effect?

When I began writing Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO I had a list that I put together designed to detail all of the best strategies that I found that worked to get an ex back so that I could put it in the book.

The aftertaste effect was one of those strategies.

Do you have a favorite candy?

I know I certainly do.

Whenever you eat a candy you are left with a certain aftertaste. It is that aftertaste that compels you to come back and keep eating that candy. For me the candy that has the best aftertaste is Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. For some reason every time I eat one I end up eating two or three more.

Of course, candy is not good for you. Everyone knows that at a basic level and yet it is the aftertaste that compels us all to keep eating them.

Now, I want to ask you a question.

What kind of emotional “aftertaste” do you think your ex boyfriend was left with after the two of you broke up?

One thing I can tell you for sure is that YOU were left with a good aftertaste. I mean, here you are reading this far down the page because you are hungry for another relationship with your ex. (I will stop with the puns.) But I really want you to think hard and try to put yourself in your exes shoes. What kind of taste do you think he was left with?

Good or bad, whatever his aftertaste is will cause him to react a certain way to the no contact rule.

The 7 Reactions From Men During No Contact

Through a lot of trial and error I’ve learned that there are typically seven reactions that men will have during a no contact rule.

How did I come by this data you wonder?

Two ways actually!

The first is relatively simple, I coach A LOT of people one on one.

The second is actually through our private Facebook Group that we have for women going through breakups. Right now the only way to gain access to this private resource is by first reading Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO. We find that if we just let anyone in the results aren’t great. However, if I require them to read PRO first then they tend to do a lot better in the group.

But I am getting way off topic.

In this section I am going to outline each of the ways and give an in-depth explanation for what is going on in his head during the reaction. Now, while you are reading about each reaction I want you to keep in mind that I will be referencing the aftertaste effect a lot. So, make sure you have a grasp of it before you read on.

Lets stop talking and start listing.

  • Reaction 1- The Frantic Caller
  • Reaction 2- The Frantic Caller Turned Into Ignorer
  • Reaction 3- The Stubborn Guy
  • Reaction 4- The Clueless Guy
  • Reaction 5- The Scared Guy
  • Reaction 6- The Mid Caller
  • Reaction 7- The Angry Guy

Confused? Don’t worry, as always I will explain.

Here’s how this is going to work. You and I are going to play roles in each of these seven reactions.

You are going to play my ex girlfriend (who is using a 30 day no contact rule on me.) Of course, I am going to be playing your ex boyfriend and plan to give you insight on each of my reactions. Lets get started!

1. The Frantic Caller

 

This is an amusing reaction from a man. I remember when I first created this site I really thought that women who implemented the no contact rule would see this particular reaction from men but the truth is that not as many men have this reaction as I thought.

What is a “frantic caller?”

Frantic Caller- A man who will call “frantically” a few days after NC has started. He will eventually get the hint and stop calling. However, deep in his mind he will always want to hear from you.

So, here is how this situation would work if you and I were the “actors.”

You would use the no contact rule on me. Of course, I wouldn’t realize it until I sent you a few text messages that you don’t respond to. Now, lets hit the pause button and talk about this. Personally, the more I care about someone the more I care about getting a response to a text message.

For example, if I am texting a friend I really don’t mind if my message is not responded to immediately (or at all.) However, on the flip side if I am texting a girl that I have a major crush on or an ex girlfriend (like you 😉 .) I am going to care about getting a response. So, when I send you a text message and you don’t respond to it I am going to start to get agitated.

This agitation is going to lead to me sending more messages down the road or possibly calling you out on why you are not responding to me with a message like this:

“Oh, so you are just ignoring me now?”

At this point you are going to be tempted to respond to me. In a way, I am testing you to see if you will engage with me. This is a classic “guilt trip.”

Of course, every time I send a message that you don’t respond to I am leaving myself vulnerable. This ties directly into the push/pull method that I described in this guide. Basically, the more you ignore me the more likely I am to show you attention. However, the more you send attention my way the less likely I am to give you that attention back.

Usually, after a certain amount of texts are un-responded to I will start calling you frantically. Of course, since you are in a strict NC rule you will be ignoring all of my calls. While it may take a while I will finally get the hint and stop calling which will lead me to ignore you completely.

This is where I want to hit the pause button again.

It’s this ignoring period (that I am doing to you) that I really want to discuss. What is going on in my head during this time?

Firstly, lets look at the facts. I was basically a text gnat to you after I didn’t get my way (once you started ignoring me.) When I advise people I always tell them to try to look beyond the “words” that their ex says to them and look at the actions that their ex does. My actions here, once NC was done by you was to spam you with text messages and phone calls. That fact alone means that I still have interest in you, that I still care about you.

Now, once I start ignoring you it isn’t because all of a sudden I “hate” you, it’s because I finally got the hint that you don’t want to talk to me. Most women who visit this site get very scared during the “ignoring” period by their ex. They think he will “move on” or that he will “find someone else.”

In my experience that doesn’t happen at all. I may try to convince myself that I “don’t like you anymore.” Heck, I may even mouth off to a few of my friends that I don’t want to be with you anymore but deep down that isn’t true. Deep down I am just insecure about being alone and I want to hear from you badly.

I have actually experienced this phenomenon myself before. I like to call this the fake reality phenomenon.

The Fake Reality Phenomenon

During my first breakup ever I experienced something very strange.

I am the type of guy that can sometimes wear my heart on my sleeve. It can be my biggest advantage but also my biggest downfall.

During my first breakup it was definitely my biggest downfall. This particular breakup stands out in my mind because of how nasty it was. It wasn’t nasty from her end it was nasty from my end and I think it all came down to the insecurity I felt from being alone.

Anyways, I did the “ignoring dance” for a long time with her. In fact, I remember the very first day of the breakup I convinced myself that life was better and for a while it was. I had this feeling of being free but eventually the breakup caught up with me and I had to create this fake reality for myself where I did my best to put on this facade that I was great when deep down all I wanted was to talk to my ex.

This is essentially what the fake reality phenomenon is. It’s this weird reality that an ex will create for himself during the no contact rule to tell himself that life is better without you but deep down all he really wants is to talk to you.

2. The Frantic Caller Turned Into Ignorer

This reaction is very similar to the one above. Before I really dive in here let me give you a brief explanation of what this actually is.

Frantic Caller Turned Ignorer- A man who will frantically call after NC but will get so angry that you are ignoring him that he won’t call you again.

A perfect example of this is one of my clients who actually did get her ex back and was kind enough to come onto my podcast and do a podcast episode detailing her experience with no contact starting at 4:35,


This can be a pretty depressing reaction to get. Here is how this will break down if you and I were the “actors” in this play ;).

Just like before, you are going to implement the no contact rule on me and just like before I am going to become a text gnat by sending you a lot of different text messages and phone calls. Here is where the main difference will come into play, instead of me ignoring you (but wanting to hear from you) I am going to be ignoring you out of anger.

Let me dive a little deeper into the male thinking here.

Above I talked about how the more I care about a person emotionally the more I care about a text message response. This is an important nugget of knowledge to grasp for this reaction because it really goes down to the core of why an ex may potentially ignore you out of spite.

Look, no one likes to be flat out ignored. That fact alone is why the no contact rule is such an effective method. However, there will always be a certain portion of men that REALLY don’t like being ignored. These are the types of men that will take you ignoring them very personally. So personally in fact, that they will ignore you out of anger and spite just to “get back at you.”

Again though, lets really look at the facts. Anyone who frantically calls you definitely has an interest in you (or at least wants to know what you think.) So, while they may take your ignoring personally you have to wonder if deep down (beyond that anger) they still really want to hear from you.

I am a glass half full kind of guy so I choose to look at it like this: men who take being ignored personally will want to get back at you. However, deep down they just have this really thick “fake reality” wall built up to protect themselves from being hurt.

Remember when I was telling you that story about my very first breakup being really bad?

Well, the “frantic caller turned into ignorer” was the exact reaction that I had to the breakup. You see, my ex didn’t do a no contact rule on me but for a week we didn’t talk and I was definitely a text gnat and call gnat. Of course, after she ignored me I ignored her out of spite and created that “fake reality” to convince myself that everything was ok.

“Psssttt… want to hear a secret?”

Deep down I wanted to talk to her so bad but I was too stubborn to do so.

Speaking of stubborn!

3. The Stubborn Guy

“He is just so darn stubborn… I can’t get him to do anything I want.”

I can’t tell you how often I hear women say this to me when they talk about their ex. Unfortunately, it is a common problem. But how does that problem manifest itself in no contact? Firstly, I would like to explain exactly what the “stubborn guy” is.

The Stubborn Guy- This is a reaction that a certain man will have during the no contact period. Typically, they have the “she will have to call me first attitude.” In other words, they are too stubborn to even want to reach out during the no contact rule.

I have a feeling that a lot of women are going to be interested in this.

It is your greatest fear after all, having an ex NOT contact you at all during a no contact period. I want to explore this so you can truly understand what your ex is thinking. First though, lets get our two favorite actors to act this scenario out ;).

As always, you are going to initiate the no contact rule. However, this time I am not going to contact you. In other words, what we have here is a no contact rule stand off. Obviously, this is not what you want to have happen but the fact of the matter is that some men will react this way to the no contact rule. There are a complex range of emotions that go on here so I am going to be dividing this overall category into multiple sections. First, I would like to start with one of our favorite terms, the aftertaste effect.

The Aftertaste Effect

What is stubbornness? Perhaps more to the point, what is the definition of a stubborn person?

Stubborn Person- Someone who refuses to change their mind about something.

Why am I going into this? Well, I want to make it clear that just because someone is a stubborn person that doesn’t mean that it is impossible to change their mind. It just means you have to know how to deal with them. Lets turn our attention back to the aftertaste effect.

An ex who has the “stubborn guy” reaction to the no contact rule will have it because of the aftertaste they have of your previous relationship. For example, if I thought back to our (you and I’s) fake relationship and only thought bad things about it I would most likely have this mindset:

“I never want to talk to her again.”

Me having that thought about you is probably your greatest fear when it comes to getting me back. Of course, the thing YOU have to remember is that it is possible to change my mind. This is where your discipline comes in with the no contact rule.

The “Victim” Attitude

I would say that I can be a stubborn person when it comes to breakups. How do I know this? Well, because I lived it!

I think stubborn men as a whole adopt two specific mindsets when they are put in the no contact rule. I want to use this section to describe the first mindset.

There is a certain allure to being the victim. I mean, think about it. You get sympathy from everyone if you are a victim. This is especially true when it comes to relationships. When I read the comments and inquiries I get from readers every day I feel bad for some of the women I communicate with. ME feeling bad for you usually means that I am on your side!

How does this apply to stubborn men you ask?

Stubborn men during no contact want to be adored by their exes. If it was up to them they would have you calling them 20 times a day while they ignore you so they can show you “who’s boss.” Only you aren’t going to do that. You are a strong, independent and disciplined woman who isn’t going to break NC.

This is really NOT what they want. The fact that YOU aren’t begging them like you should be is going to agitate them and make them feel like the victim…

Yes, you read that right THEY are going to feel like the victim even though in the grand scheme of things they aren’t one. It is a really warped way of looking at things, I’ll admit, but you wanted to know about mens minds right?

The “She Has To Call Me First” Attitude

This is an attitude that I have personal experience with.

I remember during a breakup that I was so stubborn that I actually told myself “she has to call me first if she wants to talk to me.” You see, I, like most men, have a very warped way of looking at things. Every time I talk to a woman that I am dating or a woman I am interested in I look at every single interaction as a power struggle. This is especially true when it comes to who texts who first and who calls who first.

(I know, it’s really messed up isn’t it? I think it is just a guy thing.)

Anyways, having an ex call you first, if you are a stubborn guy, is like winning a game. If she calls you first you think to yourself “yup, I have her eating out of the palm of my hand.” Of course, if she doesn’t call you first then you begin to think that you are a “victim.”

In the end it all ties together.

Get the Fairy Tale Feeling Back Again With Our Step By Step Guide To Getting Your Ex Back

Learn More

4. The Clueless Guy

Ah.. the clueless guy! Just a word of warning this section is going to be a bit shorter than the rest of the “reactions” during the no contact rule. That is because the clueless guy reaction is rare. So, what is a clueless guy reaction?

The Clueless Guy- A legitimate reaction where your ex is entirely clueless throughout the no contact rule. Men like this tend to be socially awkward or don’t really sense that anything is wrong.

I understand that you may be a little confused at how this reaction will play out in real life. So, as always, lets let our two professional actors act this situation out ;).

You are going to start the no contact rule on me. Of course, I am clueless about the whole situation so I may contact you or I may not. It will depend on a number of factors. If I don’t it’s not because I am trying to “put you in your place” it’s just that I am clueless about the whole situation.

Part of the reason the no contact rule works so well is the fact that the party it is being done to will sense that something is wrong. This feeling that they get will create a range of emotions and eventually (sometimes subconsciously) show them how much their ex significant other really means to them.

So, this begs the question:

Will the no contact rule even work on someone who has a “clueless” reaction? Before we can answer that we need to study the psychology behind someone with a clueless reaction.

The Psychology Behind A “Clueless” Reaction

One thing I’ve learned over my years as a coach is that men who tend to be clueless are ones that don’t have a lot of experience in relationships.

You see, one thing I have learned about women throughout my life is they tend to drop these little hints when you talk to them. These hints are a way of testing you to see where you stand on a certain issue. How you react to the hint will dictate how they approach the situation in the future.

A clueless guy is the type of guy who will not pick up any hints at all. He is too clueless or wrapped up in his own world to.

For example, during the NC period a clueless guy will not sense that anything is wrong at all. Here is where things get interesting though. He may actually contact you during the no contact period (but at the same time he may NOT contact you.)

So, there are aspects of being frantic and stubborn in there but as a whole he will not get any of the hints you drop. He will just assume everything is ok. Again, I would like to reiterate that this type of guy is very rare. I would say that there is a 95% chance that your ex boyfriend is NOT going to have this reaction.

Will The No Contact Still Work?

A few sections ago I asked a simple question. Will the no contact rule work on someone who is “clueless” about it?

The answer is YES it still can work but not in the way you think.

The biggest misconception is that the no contact rule is only for your ex boyfriend. In fact, I would say that, that is only half the battle. The half that everyone seems to forget about is the effect that NC has on YOU.

Hmm… how can I best explain this?

Ok, getting an ex boyfriend back requires an interesting balance. You have to be hyper aware of your emotions. You need to know when you have to be logical and you need to know when you have to be emotional. If you can find the perfect combination between the two (remaining logical while using your emotions to tap into your exes emotions) you have a really good chance to get your ex boyfriend back.

Here is the problem though, without the no contact rule you really don’t have any chance to acquire the logical mindset you need. Post-breakup is when you are at your emotional peak and while emotions can be good sometimes in this case you are probably too emotional to talk to your ex. That is why the no contact rule is such a beautiful thing.

If you can get through NC it shows that you have the discipline to remain logical!

5. The Scared Guy

Have you ever wondered if your ex is too scared to talk to you? In this section we are going to be covering the range of emotions that will be going through an exes head who feels too scared to even make a move. First though, I would like to define “the scared guy.”

The Scared Guy- This is a reaction that is the exact opposite of someone who frantically calls or texts. It’s a reaction that a guy will have when he is too scared to make a move during NC. He isn’t ignoring you out of stubbornness. He is ignoring you out of fear.

Lets not beat around the bush here, women are scary.

I am not afraid to admit it either.. I AM AFRAID OF WOMEN.

Still, to this day, I get the shakes when I am talking to a beautiful woman. It’s not because I am afraid of her. I am more afraid of what she is thinking about me. Here is the ironic part about the whole thing. I bet that the girl that I am talking to is getting the shakes because she is afraid of what I think about her.

The point I am trying to make here is don’t think that just because your ex isn’t contacting you it means he is stubborn. It may be entirely possible that he is too scared to reach out for fear of messing up. You tend to see this a lot with an ex boyfriend who YOU broke up with. So, let me break the “scared guy” reaction down for you.

If YOU broke up with me and implemented a no contact rule then I would definitely be afraid to contact you because of the fear of rejection. This begs an interesting question:

If you know for a fact that your ex boyfriend is afraid to contact you then shouldn’t you just break the NC and reach out to him first?

No… A BIG NO!

Here is what could happen in the mind of an ex boyfriend throughout the entire process:

If you contact him first during no contact he is probably going to revert to the stubborn mindset of “oh ya! I got her to reach out to me first after SHE broke up with me.” After this happens you are basically at his mercy.

Are you starting to understand no contact now? Dealing with exes during it is almost like a game. The game is all about power and usually the person with the power is in the best position.

6. The Mid Caller

This is a reaction from exes that I see a lot when I communicate with women on this site. I really want to do a good job explaining this so I am just going to cut right to the chase.

The Mid Caller- A common reaction that you will get during the NC rule. Instead of frantically calling at the beginning of the no contact rule an ex who has this reaction will call just a few times during the middle of the no contact rule.

As always, we are going to let our two favorite actors act out this scene for us so we have a better grasp of how this is all going to go down.

You are going to start the scene by implementing the no contact rule on me. I am going to enter into a NC rule duel with you. However, midway through the duel I am going to lose my nerve and reach out to you. Lets hit the pause button and explore this for a minute.

In my mind there are two possible explanations for why an ex boyfriend will call you a few days in (5-8 days) or midway through a no contact rule (14-18 days.)

Explanation #1- He Is Totally Clueless

This explanation ties directly in to what I talked about before with the “clueless guy.” It’s pretty simple really. Your ex is clueless about the whole situation and has no idea that you are doing a no contact rule on him. As a result, he will reach out in the middle of the no contact period.

Of course, when you ignore the text he sends he is going to figure out really quickly that something is up. Once he figures this out just sit back and watch the craziness ensue!

Explanation #2- He Loses The NC Rule Duel

This is much more likely to happen.

Chances are, if you are doing the no contact rule immediately after a breakup your ex boyfriend is going to be thinking about you a lot. He may have a little bit of stubbornness in him in that he won’t want to be the first one to contact you. As a result of that stubbornness he will engage with you in a no contact duel.

Of course, somewhere down the road his curiosity of what you are up to and how you are doing is going to take over and he will just throw caution to the wind by essentially losing the “duel.”

If he does lose this duel it can tell you a few important things. Firstly, he is thinking about you a lot which we can assume means that he still has some deep emotional feelings for you. Secondly, he cares about what you think and finally, YOU have power over him!

The Angry Guy

Lets face the facts here. Getting your ex boyfriend back isn’t meant to be easy. If it was, well, then this site wouldn’t need to exist. This final reaction is what I like to call the “angry guy” reaction. Lets take a moment and define it.

The Angry Guy- The type of reaction you can get when your ex wants nothing to do with you (and means it..) Therefore, during NC he would not reach out to contact you.

The angry guy reaction is really the reaction that is going to tie into the aftertaste effect the most out of any reaction listed throughout this guide. Lets say that during our fake relationship you were not exactly a good girlfriend. You cheated on me or did something that really upset me. If I broke up with you under those pretenses then the chances are high that I left the relationship with a really bad taste in my mouth. If that was the case, then I probably will not want to contact you during the no contact period.

Except there is something different about the angry guy reaction as opposed to the stubborn guy reaction.

You see, with the stubborn guy reaction I won’t contact you during NC but deep down I will still want to hear from you. The angry guy reaction is a step above that. It is when an ex boyfriend is so angry that he wants nothing to do with you. He doesn’t even want to see or hear from.

As I already stated, a lot of the angry guy reaction is going to tie into YOUR choices during your previous relationship (a la the aftertaste effect.) Of course, there are some guys that are just plain jerks that don’t know how to handle a breakup and will exhibit this reaction.

Typically, the tell tale sign of an angry guy reaction is when your ex says some very hurtful things to your face repeatedly. The keyword in that sentence is “repeatedly.” You see, you can almost expect an ex to say mean things to you after a breakup but if he keeps saying them to you over and over again post no contact (and it becomes vicious and cruel) you may have brought out the “angry guy” from within.

So, I suppose the real question here is, is it possible to get someone back if they exhibit this reaction?

Can You Get An “Angry Guy” Back?

It’s possible. In fact, one of my best friends did it.

However, it is not easy.

It is going to take a lot of patience on your part and even then there are no guarantees. In the end, what it all boils down to is if you think your ex is worth it. Really take a good hard look at your previous relationship and ask yourself a simple question:

“do I want to do this again?”

3,978 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”

  1. Avatar

    Kat

    November 15, 2019 at 7:30 pm

    Hi Shauna,
    I have been in a relationship for over a year. We were both married when it started however I have moved forward with a divorce (has nothing to do with my relationship, the marriage was over the top awful). His marriage, he describes as empty however for financial reasons he plans on staying until the finance stabilize which could be another year or so. I was having a very hard time with knowing I was involved with a married man, however know without a doubt we belong together. When we are together it is the most comforting feeling for both of us, we don’t really have sex. Just intimate connection and talking. We recently spent a great deal of time together then back to his life he went. He texts and calls when he can but the pain of it all just hurt so bad. Our last conversation was just that – that I am just so hurt all the time bc I don’t want to hide and want him to move forward. But he cannot bc the finances. We never said we were ending but we haven’t spoken in 4 days (zero contact). He tells me we will be together – time. He tells me everyday how I am the center of his world. Did I need to be more patient. Do I reach out or just walk away. I am devastated and severely heartbroken.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 18, 2019 at 10:06 pm

      Hi Kat, so his reason is financial but if he and his wife/ ex wife are broken up he should be able to move out because that does not require him to stay. I would be mindful that he has avoided telling the wife about you. Is there proof he is single in his life? Friends, family, social media? As he is not willing to move forward for some time you need to focus on you and getting over your divorce as it can be emotionally draining dealing with that too

  2. Avatar

    anon

    November 13, 2019 at 5:42 pm

    I wish I can say i am still in a relationship with my boyfriend who is dealing with mental health issues. Because of his mental health, he ended things. He said he needed to be alone and work on himself by himself. And that he can’t do a relationship right now. After 10 months of dating, well I would say a year…but, as much as it pains me that I will no longer be by his side physically. I still want to support him in any way I possibly can, showing that I still care and deeply love him. I accept who he is and what he is dealing with. I can’t imagine how hard it was for him to let me go and deal with this on his own. I believe he has the strength to get through this. I would be lying to myself if I said I should move on from him. But I can’t and don’t want too. He’s my love. He knows I care for him and have love for him. I will be here if he needs anything, and he’s well aware of that and reminded him the night of the breakup. He said he was going to miss me too, which breaks my heart on how painful it was for him to ends things. I wanted to ask what’s advice do you have on both perspectives? Of course I will be okay and continue to live my life and take care of me health. But at the end of the day, I want him to be better and our relationship to continue.

    Is there anything I can do to or say that will make him know/feel that I’m still here for him? I don’t want to lose contact with him. But I’m giving him the space, and time he needs. How much contact am I allowed to give without making him feel smothered, overwhelmed, etc.?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 13, 2019 at 11:44 pm

      Hi, so giving that he has ended things with you due to the mental health problems he is having its actually a strong and good move he has made. You do need to give him a No Contact but you also need to respect that he is actually going to have to make moves to get better himself for now. During this time you can do stuff to make yourself seem Ungettable but avoid any jealousy posts for the time being.

  3. Avatar

    Ashley Louis

    November 2, 2019 at 10:52 pm

    Hellllo,
    I am in serious need of some insight, and from what I have read you seem like a real professional when it comes to this stuff. Before I start off, I just want to make clear that I realize this situation is going to sound a little crazy and I also want to make it clear that I do not normally find myself in this specific type of debacles with men. Long story short I started seeing this guy. We met on a dating app. He was up front and open with me from the start that he was moving in a month. I wasn’t really looking for anything serious, I was looking to have some fun, so I said I was fine with that. The next few weeks we spent a good amount of time together and talked everyday. At first I thought this was a nice change of pace because I didn’t have to worry or care about anything because I knew he was leaving and we wouldn’t be anything. I’m sure it will come as no shock but somewhere along the line that mindset changed. We both caught feelings for one and other. We had so much fun and everything just happened so quick. We seemed to have a deep connection. Then I noticed one day after we had hung out and had an amazing time that he seemed very distant. I didn’t panic because that particular night we both got very drunk and he let the L word slip. I figured that maybe he was embarrassed since he said it so soon and I kind of just pretended he didn’t say it. So I gave him his space. Soon enough he texted me and we made plans for the weekend. We went on our date and it started off great and we had fun like we always do. But towards the end he started getting weird again accept this time he started apologizing for not being as fun as he normally is. He eventually ended up confessing that he felt like he was in a rut and started opening up about his ex (they broke up last February) and confided in my that he had actually reached out to her a few days prior. He told me she had a new boyfriend and he seemed a little bummed about it. This came as a huge shock to me because he had shown zero pervious signs of harboring feelings for an ex. Anyways the night went on he apologized for killing the mood Ect. I assured him it was ok and that I understood. I could tell he was having an off day so I let him know that it was ok for him to leave if he was feeling out of sorts. He apologized and told me he wanted to talk later that week and hangout and I told him I didn’t know if that was a good idea. Immediately he wanted to talk about it and went on to tell me how much he liked me, how much fun he has with me, and how the timing of all this sucked. My drunkess got the better of me and he ended up staying over. He left in the morning and told me he would talk to me soon. I was feeling all sorts of emotions but it was very clear to me that this was one confused dude. I can’t blame him either. He was about to move to a new city, starting a job that was completely different from the one he had for the passed 7 years. That’s intimidating stuff. Wether the ex gf feelings were genuine regrets or confusion due to the life change, I remain uncertain. But I knew it was time to call it. He was moving anyways and then the stuff about the ex came up, I need to wake up and smell the reality of the situation that I willing walked into. That night I sent him a really sincere heartfelt text explaining that I was bummed out we couldn’t really see where things would go for us and I let him no how great of a guy he was and thanked him for all the time he took me out. I also wished him luck with the move and told him I hope he either worked things out with his ex or gained some clarity. He never responded back. I was surprised. I know it had been a short time but I really felt like we had exposed so much of ourselves to each other. Him going radio silent just didn’t make sense because he isn’t a mean guy and I know we both had strong feelings for one and other. It’s been a few weeks now and I’m pretty sure he has moved. Neither one of us has initiated any sort of contact. I guess my question is kind of pathetic since the odds seem completely stacked against there ever being a possibility of an us, but I am wondering what was going on in his mind and why he acted the way he did. I’m also wondering if he will ever regret the way he handled things and reach out. The cold hard truth is that I should probably move on from this brief, whirlwind romance and find a guy who is local and available. But I would still love some insight if you have the time 🙂 thank you!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 9, 2019 at 1:19 am

      So in your situation you need to work on being Ungettable, so read up on that and make sure you are working on being the best version of yourself so that he realises you are the better woman and makes him want to spend time with you

  4. Avatar

    Zena

    November 2, 2019 at 4:22 pm

    I posted a comment before and i didn’t get the reply.. i can’t type that much again..i am actually very sad these days.. idk i want someone to guide me in this situation..

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 9, 2019 at 12:12 am

      Hi Zena, I will reply to your comment when I see it. The advice would be to follow the program and make sure you are sticking to your No Contact

  5. Avatar

    Deana Flo

    November 2, 2019 at 6:52 am

    My husband left me and the kids back in July 13. (We had a stupid fight)Horrible breakup , we were together for 20 years. (I beg him to cone back and he said no)
    I did the NC and he reach out to me after the 6 weeks of the NC, unfortunately when he called me I started begging again and he said No I don’t want to cone home. Now he told a mutual friend that he’s fine and comfortable now, that he doesn’t need to respond to anyone, that he can do whatever he wants etc. He doesn’t call me or the kids, some people said he’s going through a mid life crisis.
    I don’t even have he’s new phone number. He lives 20 minutes away , but I am not planing to go he’s house or to beg him again. People said that he’s going to come back eventually he. What should I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 2, 2019 at 10:26 pm

      Hi Deana, so what you should do is rebuild your life with your children. How disappointing that he does not call his children!! That says everything you need to know about him. Show him you do not need him and show your children they have a secure parent in you. They are going to need that assurance with their father walking away form them. Read up about the Ungettable girl in the articles section. Leave him ruin his own life, and yes he may come back when he has a reality check that hes lost his family.

  6. Avatar

    Zena

    November 1, 2019 at 12:05 am

    Me and this guy are together since almost 6 years. We are in ldr.. The best thing is that we never cheated on each other ever but i feel like hes becoming very bossy in terms on my life or my routein he expect me to be available for him 24/7 we met 2 months ago hes asking me to meet him as soon as possible .. our famlies are taking this relationship very serious and they are planning us to get married this year too but i dont want him to be that dominant plus he becomes very harsh sometimes or as much as i know him hes not very open when it comes to express his feelings hes 25 and i feel like hes the most stubborn guy on this earth usually hes very kind but when it comes to his anger no one can handle him… in short everything was messing our relationship our routein our priorities he was constantly in touch with me plus i felt like hes formally talking to me and he want some space.. i was being too clingy that made him feel like i am always dying to get his attention.. i mean this relationship is perfect from both sides both families.. but its bothering us (from both sides) from contacting constantly if i ignore him he use to get more aggressive and verbally brutal infact yesterday i asked him that i want a guy who can calmly talk to me i want my guy wo admit his faults i want a guy who will understand me properly who could tackle my emotions and handle this situation..he replied go and find someone better… (he was being very rude throughout the day though he sent 2 msgs as “i love you no matter what” but i hate his attitude i was calling him last night i was crying in front of him and he was constantly asking be to be quite but in harsh tone and he declined the call and didn’t reply me the whole night.. he did this alot many times n i forgave him.. hes that type of a guy who dont admits his faults and even puts everything on me.. i cant tolerate this behavioural and now i use to feel that i may gave me alot more attention than he deserves i use to be available for him throughout the day and it feels like hes forcing me to listen to him every single time.. what should i do its not cleating or lies thats ruining our relationship its his behaviour of being too confident or he may think he’s got me and can implement his every single thought on me by using this remote thats in his hands since 6 years.. i feel very down amd sometimes i feel like i am hating him when he becomes very dominant..i love him alot and i know he does too but i want him to get scared of me that he may lose me if doesn’t change his behaviour.. idk how do i do this how long should i ignore him or should i apply NCR on him.. and how long should i stick to it in (LDR) and in between if he tends to come and meet me what should be my reaction then??.. last night indecided not to forgive him because i cried the whole night his words were wandering up in my mind and decided to teach him a lesson.. any advice plz?? He was very nice to me but i dont lnow what happened to him and he became that rude to me .. he is the one who use to say sorey first but i want to give this No Contact rule to work . But the problem is that i can ignore him but not his family ,not his sisters or should i do this? I mean isn’t this mean.. ? Or i think it makes him more comfortable if i talk to his family that no matter what shes hooked up somewhere with me no matter how hard she tries.. and i dont want our famlies to ruin their terms with one another jusy because of us.. i Just want to fix him.. i dont get it how do i do.. my problem is a bit complicated

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 9, 2019 at 12:44 am

      Hey Zena, so something you need to know is you can not fix him. You are going to have to just focus on you and your life. Making sure you know your worth and being an Ungettable girl. This is the most important thing for you as you need to change his perspective of who you are, living your life and being happy is going to show him you are not at home moping over him and the break up. No Contact needs to be a minimum of 30 days and you need to ignore him on ALL attempts to speak to you. From what you’ve said he needs to do a lot of self work and this is the case he wont be happy in any relationship until he does

  7. Avatar

    Brooklyn

    October 30, 2019 at 4:29 pm

    I’m currently not broken up, but my guy has become more and more distant. I usually go to his house every night, these days it has been about four days a week. I mostly just see him at night due to our schedules so I feel more and more distant. He’s been getting in the habit of not responding to simple text messages for a whole day. Just this past Monday, I had an eleven hour work day, but sent a message, “hey babe”, with no response. I tried to video message him around 10pm, with no response. He then sends me a text message at midnight last night, asking me if I was good. I didn’t answer and then he called me once and then tried video messaging me five times at 1 and 2 in the morning. I didn’t answer. He’s told me in the past that I’m loyal and I won’t go anywhere and that I’ll be around for a long time. I’m tired of being treated like a second thought. I’m not sure what my next step(s) should be. I haven’t reached out today. Please help.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 30, 2019 at 7:17 pm

      Hi Brooklyn so as far as long term relationships and seeing each other every night sometimes the texting takes away the conversation giving you something to talk about when you see each other. If he doesnt reach out go out with friends and do something. Even if its only a coffee date with a girlfriend. He will realise youre not sat at home waiting to hear from him and that will go a long way!

  8. Avatar

    Christine Lin

    October 29, 2019 at 8:41 pm

    Hello there.
    My boyfriend recently broke up with me and I have solidly implemented the no contact. I have successfully done no contact on several of my exes, one of which I did get back with but then he moved overseas, and it was decided we would be much better friends. I have exams coming up, over the next two weeks, where it is likely that he will catch me in the library. He broke up with me for this other girl he likes, because he has a tendency to breakup with people, if he feels like he is going to cheat on them. He told me that he doesn’t love me and that he loves this new girl. Those two went on a date yesterday but are not officially dating yet, since he says he wants to “respect me, and not use her as a rebound”. If he comes to talk to me, or tries to force a conversation about the new girl, what should I do? And also, if he physically follows me everywhere to try and get a reaction, what should I say or do about it?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 30, 2019 at 12:52 pm

      1 – if he approaches you in public be short and polite explain you have lots of work to do so if he doesn’t mind leaving you to it
      2 – if he brings up the new girl, tell him you are happy for him ( this will shock him and make you look like you are not phased by her)
      3 – if he follows you, this is weird. Be calm and polite ask him to leave you to do your work in peace, if he persists. Leave.

      Someone who jumps from relationship to relationship and ends because he doesn’t want to cheat… is behaving on impulsive decisions so he may regret it, but I would be mindful as he probably will leave you again for a new girl unless you are the Ungettable Girl to him. Read up about this when you have time and from what you know about him, work on yourself to be the best version of yourself and post to social media how great your life is and how well you’re doing as he will expect you to be upset and not doing much socialising as he has broken up with you, his ego expects you to be depressed right now

  9. Avatar

    Nibia

    October 17, 2019 at 8:04 pm

    Hello Team, I really need your advice. I met this guy 4 years ago, he was married and trying to separate and I was married but heartbroken because I found out that my husband cheated on me. We became really good friends talking everyday and our kids having play dates for 5 months. Then He ghosted me for a year and 2months. Then in 2017 he contacted me again. He told me that he disappeared because He didn’t want to cause drama and he was having a lot of problems with his wife. In 2018 he moved out of the house and they are still married but living separate. In 2017-2018 I was fighting to make my marriage work but I was feeling depressed of the bad marriage situation. I was still in contact with my friend but just randomly, like a message once a month. And Saw him a couple of times by coincidence so we catch up in person. This year I decided to verbally separate. I’m still married and living with my husband but since January trying to save $ for separation papers and This month he is moving out of the house. This is what happened: by July (friend and I) agree to have a playdate with the kids that has seen each other for a while. So I started going to his house, to the park and movies with him and our kids (he has 2 and me 2 same age both) in sept I started having stronger feelings for him and we kisses, two weeks after the kiss we promised to keep us as friend but we went out and things went stronger and we have “sex”( I use “” because he stop in the middle of the action telling me that is wrong what we were doing because I’m still married, He is married and have a bunch of debt , our kids etc) (he say he feel that he disrespected me and ask me for forgiveness) but that he love me and he can wait the sexual part. But in this period of his life He can’t have me counting on him because he is lost in his world someway dealing with Past regrets/ depression. I agree on that. He told me to don’t block him or ignore him , that he love me but we both are in limbo. So the few two weeks he only has contact me once and I reply back. But now I miss him. we haven’t been in a relationship like you can see.. he is not an ex..not sure if I can use the non contact rule with him. Not sure if is also the proper thing to do. He didn’t break up anything. I can’t ask for more.. but at the same time I think if I still reply his once two/three weeks messages he will think that we can be like that forever? Please any advice.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 20, 2019 at 9:30 pm

      You need to make it clear that you are going to move on with your life with or with out him. As you are newly separated I do suggest working on getting over the cheating and the pain you’ve been through from your ex husband. Leave your friend to deal with his own life too. When your husband leaves focus on you and the children’s lives to be happy and then you can consider dating properly again. That’s when your friend will maybe show more interest as the thought of someone else may push him to want to commit to you

  10. Avatar

    Ann

    October 16, 2019 at 6:08 pm

    Hello,
    So I would first off like to ask what does it mean when your boyfriend after a argument and after ignoring You and talking to you about the argument 2 weekswards finally says I just needed and still
    Need a break. !!!! U ask from me and he replies from everything. !!!!! We have been together for a year and 3 months but have known him for 3 years. He is divorced from a bad marriage. I have respected the NC rule and he hasn’t texted me either although he has done things on social media such as like posts of mine and one other way of reaching out that’s 2 hard to explain. It was sweet but nothing to follow with almost more of I am thinkIng of u. I do miss him and I don’t really understand the break thing if it’s a breakup or a pause to figure things out. Or even why as we haven’t talked about it. If you can’t tell he doesn’t like to talk about feelings and runs when any kind of confrontations takes place and I know what ur thinking how and why are you ok with this. Well I am not but I am a patient person and I really do love him. I don’t want to make excuses for him but I do think he freaked out how I reacted and caused the argument. Even though I had a right to feel the way I did. I shouldn’t have went about it the way I did and should have just spoke with him. Instead I did act a little childish and held in things that were bothering me way too long. Regardless I want to contact him but I don’t know if I should and how I should. It’s been a month and 2 week since the argument and 3 weeks Since he told me he needed a break. Need advice.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 20, 2019 at 10:58 pm

      Hey Ann, So you need to complete a NC where you get some emotional control so that you are composed when you reach out to talk to him next

  11. Avatar

    Lillian B

    October 13, 2019 at 1:29 pm

    Hello, my ex broke up with me a year ago. We were together for 9 years. He asked me to be friends and I agreed thinking I’d get him back if we could stay close. At some point I asked him if he thought he could change his mind and he said no. I believed him but still hoped so I kept talking to him but it’s been hurtful and I don’t know what to do anymore. Would NC still work in this case? Should I believe him and try to finally move on? I’m so lost I’d do with some advice. Should I let him know I’ll start NC if it’s the case or shouldn’t I? Thank you in advance for your answer.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 15, 2019 at 8:51 pm

      Hi Lillian yes start your NC and also start dating casually to show your ex you are not going to wait around for him

  12. Avatar

    Alli

    October 9, 2019 at 11:42 pm

    I caught my ex bf talking/ flirting with his ex gf stating they would get back together once he went back (he doesnt live here) once i caught him red handed im not going to lie i reacted really badly but i couldnt help it because that was the one thing i begged him not to do to me. long story short he said we would talk about it when hed get back into town because he was working else well, i told him to screw off and i cut his phone line. (becuase i was helping him with that and i thought to my self how stupid i was to help him the way he was going to cheat on me) and once he got a new phone number he didnt msg me his new number he simply emailed me acting offened because i cut his line and to never look for him again. i replied and told him how he would have reacted if he had been the one paying my phone bill and if he caught me texting my ex. he never replied….we were talking about marriage while he was talking about ‘a couple more months’ until he and his ex would be back together, i even have screenshots which i showed him but instead of explaining him self he denied everything and acted offened. I love him and would of forgave him if he had come clean but he didnt and instead continued to flirt with his ex online. (btw while dating he wouldnt post anything of us saying it was our personal life and didnt want others involved and he even blocked me but i had a gut feeling so i stalked him through my friends account and sure enough he was flirting with his ex for the whole world to see) my question is how dare he act the victim, the innocent one when i did so much for him…as well as i told him i wanted to see him because i atleast deserve closure becuase when i fall i fall hard and this by far has been my worst break up leaving me soooo anxious, even waking up half way through the night in a panic and crying, so that even if he loved her over me i needed him to not be a coward and say it to my face and he said no….help

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 12, 2019 at 8:12 am

      Hi Alli I’m sorry this happened to you, but by the sounds of it your ex is a coward and he isn’t going to give you what you want and that is hard. But you have the proof in black and white and as much as he denies this he is not going to be able to deny the screenshots. He is not going to take the blame for what he did because then he will be the “bad guy” and sadly people have the hero complex where they don’t want to be the one in the wrong, even if they did wrong. He will eventually have an internal guilt which is where you MAY hear from him to try to justify his actions, which is where you need to just ignore his attempts of clearing his guilt.

  13. Avatar

    Ilona

    October 6, 2019 at 9:21 pm

    I’ve been pregnant from my boyfriend for 3 months now (we both wanted the baby). He now claims that “he warned me” this may happen but never bothered to use protection. He’s been away for work for 2.5 months during which time I was highly emotional (first trimester hormones hitting the roof) and we were constantly getting in arguments. He was constantly saying we will talk about everything when he comes back which was this past Wednesday. I got a day off so I can come earlier and arrive home Thursday evening. On the morning he says to me he can’t take any more arguing so he will leave before I come back and he will move out his stuff too (all on text). I asked if this is him breaking it off and he says that we’ve been broken up for weeks (wtf)! At that point I called him a coward and he said it’s all my fault we’re broken up! Then he says he’s gotten me gifts and left them at the house – I said if tears could turn into gifts I would give them all back! So I get home and guess what – half his stuff is still there and he hasn’t returned my keys. So I ask when he’s going to pick it up – didn’t give me an exact date. Said he will post the keys (still hasn’t). Then started rambling about not being able to face me and asked me that he comes Around on his own time. I said he can feel free to do whatever he likes. All that on Thursday. Saturday morning – starts calling, texting, sending pics of cute stuff. Nothing on my side. Sunday (today) I have 14 missed calls so far at different times of the day, I have iMessages and WhatsApp’s asking me to pick up and an instagram request after he removed me last month. I haven’t budged. He asked to see me face to face – he’s going to travel on Wednesday for 3 weeks again. Sorry but I don’t think I’ll budge – he really messed up as far as I’m concerned and the flip of emotions is too sudden. Any advice? Am I doing the right thing? Ps. He hasn’t asked about the baby once!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 7, 2019 at 8:44 am

      Hey there so first…. well done you on staying strong. This is why we do No Contact, he has now got the fear of loss. That you no longer care. Keep at it for 30 days if you can. And as far as conversations about the pregnancy and baby, keep it Limited NC. So if something happens or any news (boy/girl, due date etc) Hopefully if you play this right he may be asking to come back before baby arrives.

      Congratulations on the baby too <3

  14. Avatar

    Raya

    October 3, 2019 at 3:59 am

    My guy falls in “the stubborn guy” category. I will be completing NC today. The problems with me reaching out first are A)he still has me blocked everywhere for a month and B)We were in a situationship. I broke it off when he said that he can’t take our relationship public “right now”. so, if I reach out, I am just going to go back into a situationship which I do not want. He has not tried to contact me in any way over the past even though we see each other everyday. I don’t know what to do. Do I wait for his call, wait for him to unblock me and reach out or give up my dignity and try to contact him though I am still blocked on Messenger, Whatsapp and Instagram? I haven’t tried his phone yet as even if I am blocked it will send a notification that I tried to call him.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 3, 2019 at 10:08 pm

      Hi Raya, so what ever reason he doesn’t want to take the relationship public – is this more of a friends with benefits situation? If so then you need to not sleep with him and work on your value chain where he feels the need to commit to you properly before you give him boyfriend benefits again. Start the NC process again and be open to dating other people while he decides if he values you enough to commit properly this time around

  15. Avatar

    Cynthia Reid

    October 2, 2019 at 7:52 pm

    Hi Shauna, thank you so much for your reply! I’m well versed in the challenges that come with Asperger’s. I’m afraid I’ve always been attracted to the traits that come with it so have lots of experience. He’s just farther on the spectrum than anyone I’ve dated in the past and one of the biggest difficulties is knowing when the usual relationship tools work and when they will be ineffective because of the AS.
    Trial, error and communication seem to be the keys LOL
    Thank you again, you ROCK!
    Cynthia

  16. Avatar

    Cynthia Reid

    October 2, 2019 at 4:00 am

    Hi Chris,
    I’m 8 days into NC with my ex. We dated for 18 months and broke up in May, his idea. We were truly miserable, I had tried to break it off twice but both times he cried and we would try again. We had decided to remain friends, both declaring that we were totally in love with each other but it just couldn’t work. He has always made it clear he would never say those words unless he truly felt them. He has Asperger’s and emotions are not easy for him and I have a preoccupied anxious attachment style. Since we’ve broken up we’ve both been independently working really hard through therapy to be more stable in our own lives. I decided to go NC 8 days ago because during our entire relationship I had to initiate EVERYTHING because of his Asperger’s. So now, 8 days in, I get a text from him saying he loves me and misses me and that he wants to connect when he gets back from a job next week.
    My biggest question… With the emotional cluelessness of Asperger’s does the NC still work? I didn’t answer his text and my intuition is telling me it’s working.
    Any insight on cluelessness, being on the spectrum and the no contact rule would be much appreciated.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 2, 2019 at 7:45 pm

      Hi Cynthia, I think that your situation will have to reach out yourself, but yes still do the NC and it will affect your ex even if he chooses not to show it. You will have to have patience again to get back to where you were but you are aware of his situation so that is half the battle. However, you may find that you having to initiate for the remainder of your relationship or future relationship with him. Part of Aspergers is not really being able to express themselves the way we expect them to, and some not at all. If you want your relationship with your ex to go forward I would maybe put in some work to understanding how complex Aspergers can be

  17. Avatar

    De

    September 28, 2019 at 10:25 pm

    Wonder if your ex is in a rebound relationship. (One week they were together post breakup) will the no contact still work? Or will he move on and forget about me since he is now with someone new. I must add we were together 4 years.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 29, 2019 at 7:14 pm

      Hey De, so yes it will still work you just need to read up on the being there method

  18. Avatar

    Candice

    September 28, 2019 at 5:41 am

    Hi there,

    I have read this article but I am so confused. My situation is very different from others. I am a married woman who had an affair with a guy at work for about three months. Then we had a gap of a month and a half as I had to travel. And during this time he hardly messaged me and I felt like i was the only one texting and messaging. He would reply when i would text. So one day I messaged and asked if he missed me and he said I miss you a little bit sometimes. This really hurt me and so I told him and asked him what happened and why was he saying this. He replied by saying he feels that I am pressurising him. Anyways that conversation ended with him saying I really dont have time for this we will talk when you feel better. After that I stopped messaging but he messaged randomly once a week like a random picture or something.
    When I got bk I tried to discuss via messages trying to ask what happened and he replied by saying: oh not this again. I mentioned that I would like to meet and he was reluctant infact made many excuses and said uve just got back so relax. Basically things have been downhill from there. I went to see him at work one day and he was shocked to see me and behaved in an ultra casual way. He was not happy to see me and when I asked again if everything is okay I got the same response relax relax its okay with a lame expression on his face.
    I know that I cant expect much from this relationship but I am so beat up about what happened. I finally got the courage and messaged him saying its best we do not talk again. Its been two weeks and I haven’t heard from him. Is this the NC rule? Will he ever want to talk to me? After all he seemed to be distant from a long time. What should I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 29, 2019 at 9:07 pm

      Hi Candice, it really depends on what you want to do with this affair. If you want to go back to seeing him then you do need to complete a NC and work on what you think attracted you to each other in the first place. The issue is he knows you are married so most likely assumed that your relationship was going to be an affair which is where he talks about the pressure.

  19. Avatar

    Jackie

    September 28, 2019 at 5:17 am

    It’s been 11 days if N.C. it’s killing me and I don’t know if it’s really over or not. We dated causally for 3 years then exclusively for another 3. Over that time we have had short break ups. Never more than 10 days sometimes he broke sometimes I did.
    He broke up with me every time. Usually the same story, he likes his space, is ok if he’s never in a long term relationship etc. He still loves me and wants me to be happy but… ( we have both had long marriages that ended) he invoked a lie I had told him about a previous life before him(I was not ready to share but he kept pushing) that happened over 3 years ago as the reason he could never “give himself to me fully” which I think is bogus since we have been together for 3 years and there has been complete honesty though he sometimes accuses me of lying. I think this is his fallback excuse when he gets scared we are moving forward. This time feels different though. I’m scared if I wait 30 days he will really move on and I want him back. We both have baggage from our previous lives still to “unpack”. I go between thinking I should let it go and wanting him back because I love him. What should I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 29, 2019 at 8:21 pm

      Hi Jackie, this situation seems that he doesn’t quite value enough to commit fully. Like you said gets scared when it comes to progressing. The 30 days NC will actually do you some good to decide if he is want you want and if you do, you need to work on increasing the value chain to be Ungettable to your ex and makes him have the fear of loss. This all can be found on the website through articles.

  20. Avatar

    Raya

    September 26, 2019 at 5:24 am

    Hi Chris
    It’s been 23 days since we broke up and 19 days since NC. Don’t really know if we can call it a breakup since we weren’t in an official relationship. That’s actually why we broke up. I asked him to take us public and he kept saying “not now” due to some problems which sounded lame to me. After seven months, I finally had the courage to utter the words “it’s over.”
    Here comes the hard part, we see each other every day. We are classmates and it’s a pretty small class. He didn’t block me the day we broke up but the next day after he realized that I am serious about the breakup. Now, I am blocked everywhere. We see each other everyday and he pretends like nothing has happened, like we never happened. He is back to doing all those things that were main causes of the breakup, being a flirt and all.
    Meanwhile, I am in so much pain. It looks like he has moved on.
    My problem isn’t just getting him back. I also want a commitment and a public relationship. I do not want a situationship again.
    I am a shy girl and never had any guy friends except him.
    Please help me.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 26, 2019 at 8:56 pm

      Hi Raya, so you need to complete a NC with this guy and reach out again, what happens when you have a relationship that is ‘unofficial’ they get the benefits of a relationship without having the title. So you need to make him see your value and you are not willing to settle for less from him anymore

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