It’s a question I get asked every single day.

“What is he thinking?”

Or if you want me to be more specific:

“Now that I am in no contact can you explain what is going on in his mind?”

I decided to put this guide together to put a rest to these questions once and for all. I am going to be attempting to explain everything I know about how men react to the no contact rule. If you aren’t familiar with my website then let me give you a quick breakdown of what I am all about.

Every single “guide,” I like to use the word guide to explain my posts/articles because it sounds more authoritative, anyways, every single guide I have ever written is very long and in-depth and this particular guide will be no different. Some of the things I talk about may be hard for you to hear but at it’s core it will come from a place of truth.

In the end, I subscribe to the theory that in order for me to best help you get your ex boyfriend back you need to see the entire picture and that is what I am doing here with this guide, helping you see the parts of the picture you are missing.

(Side Note: If you want a full accounting of the “big picture” that you are missing the best place for you to start is with Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO my massive book detailing all of my best theories on how to improve your chances with your ex.)

Your Failure Of The No Contact Rule

Every single day I carve out an hour or two to answer comments and questions from the readers of this site.

At times I feel like a robot constantly repeating myself…

“Have you done NC?”

“Are you currently in NC?”

Some women will tell me that they tried the NC rule but failed after only 4 days. Others make it deep into “uncharted territory,” 10 days, before they fail.

I get it.

The no contact rule can be an extremely hard thing to complete. After all, I am asking you to essentially cut your ex boyfriend off for a full month. To be more specific, you can’t talk, text or respond to any type of communication from him.

(If you would like a full explanation of the No Contact Rule please visit this page or simply watch the video below,)

It’s funny to me that so many women fail at something SO CRUCIAL to get their ex boyfriends back.

I mean, if I told you that you would get a 100% success recovery rate if all you had to do was make it through 30 days without contacting your ex there would still be some women who would fail at not contacting their ex.

I liken it to a little kid being told “you cannot have that cookie.” The little kid knows that it is wrong to take a cookie from the jar but decides to do it anyways. Are you seeing the analogy yet?

You= the little kid.

Your ex= the cookie.

Now, lets take a look at WHY you keep reaching your hand in the cookie jar.

Whenever I write one of these guides I tend to do a lot of outlining and research. However, when I asked myself a simple question “why is it that so many women keep breaking NC?” I didn’t have to look very far for the ansewr. In fact, if you are a constant reader of this site then you won’t have to look very far either. A simple viewing of the comments should give you a pretty clear picture.

Oh, I broke NC because I didn’t want him to think less of me…

I didn’t know what he was thinking and it was driving me nuts…

I am afraid he will lose interest in me…

What if he runs off with some other girl…

With all of the concerns listed above what is the one constant?

While I admit there are many constants in the concerns above the correct answer I am looking for lies in a simple truth. Any woman who implements a no contact rule is uncertain about what is going on in her exes mind.

Therein lies the foundation on which this guide was built, helping you to better understand what goes on in your exes mind so YOU can succeed with the no contact rule!

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Understanding Men During NC

It doesn’t take a genius to tell that men and women are very different creatures.

Men, much more physical, tend to lack when it comes to social situations.

Women, much more social, tend to lack when it comes to physical situations.

This is an interesting view to take when you look at our species as a whole. It explains why men need women and women need men. However, it also explains why we get our wires crossed so often.

I am a man. I understand how they think. I understand why most of my peers do the things they do. This puts YOU in a very unique position because I am spreading all of our dirty little secrets. Every single one I want to give you access to so you can better understand us.

To be more specific, I am going to be talking about how a man can possibly react (and what he will think) when a woman implements a no contact rule on him.

The first thing I need to teach you has to do with the differences in men.

Men Are Different From Women

george carlin men vs women

Above I established that men and women are different creatures. Well, I would like to take that a step further and say that not all men are the same. For example, what I find attractive in a woman another man may not.

One of my best friends springs to mind here. As two young single guys we often talk about one topic, women. I remember a few months ago my friend went on this rant about how he likes a particular “type” of woman. After his rant I chimed in and explained the type of woman I liked. In the end, we agreed to disagree but I think this little anecdote proves an interesting point.

What may be true for a lot of men may not be true for your man.

This is an important concept to understand because what I am about to explain next only exisits because of the “men are different from men” phenomenon.

When it comes to the no contact rule I have found that there are 7 main reactions and thoughts that men will have. Each reaction is different from the other in its own unique way. Now, I will eventually get around to explaining the “reactions” to you but first I need to teach you something else.

Whatever Reaction You Get Depends On Your Relationship

relationship meme

Above I established that each man is different in his own unique way. That concept will certainly have a “tie in” to the 7 different reactions I talk about later in this guide but if I am being completely truthful with you then I would say that what I am about to explain here is the single biggest factor into HOW your ex is going to react during the no contact rule.

I want you to think back to your old relationship.

Now, obviously your old relationship failed for some reason. Right now that doesn’t matter. Right now we are going to be looking at something far more valuable. Something I like to call the aftertaste effect!

What Is The Aftertaste Effect?

When I began writing Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO I had a list that I put together designed to detail all of the best strategies that I found that worked to get an ex back so that I could put it in the book.

The aftertaste effect was one of those strategies.

Do you have a favorite candy?

I know I certainly do.

Whenever you eat a candy you are left with a certain aftertaste. It is that aftertaste that compels you to come back and keep eating that candy. For me the candy that has the best aftertaste is Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. For some reason every time I eat one I end up eating two or three more.

Of course, candy is not good for you. Everyone knows that at a basic level and yet it is the aftertaste that compels us all to keep eating them.

Now, I want to ask you a question.

What kind of emotional “aftertaste” do you think your ex boyfriend was left with after the two of you broke up?

One thing I can tell you for sure is that YOU were left with a good aftertaste. I mean, here you are reading this far down the page because you are hungry for another relationship with your ex. (I will stop with the puns.) But I really want you to think hard and try to put yourself in your exes shoes. What kind of taste do you think he was left with?

Good or bad, whatever his aftertaste is will cause him to react a certain way to the no contact rule.

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The 7 Reactions From Men During No Contact

Through a lot of trial and error I’ve learned that there are typically seven reactions that men will have during a no contact rule.

How did I come by this data you wonder?

Two ways actually!

The first is relatively simple, I coach A LOT of people one on one.

The second is actually through our private Facebook Group that we have for women going through breakups. Right now the only way to gain access to this private resource is by first reading Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO. We find that if we just let anyone in the results aren’t great. However, if I require them to read PRO first then they tend to do a lot better in the group.

But I am getting way off topic.

In this section I am going to outline each of the ways and give an in-depth explanation for what is going on in his head during the reaction. Now, while you are reading about each reaction I want you to keep in mind that I will be referencing the aftertaste effect a lot. So, make sure you have a grasp of it before you read on.

Lets stop talking and start listing.

  • Reaction 1- The Frantic Caller
  • Reaction 2- The Frantic Caller Turned Into Ignorer
  • Reaction 3- The Stubborn Guy
  • Reaction 4- The Clueless Guy
  • Reaction 5- The Scared Guy
  • Reaction 6- The Mid Caller
  • Reaction 7- The Angry Guy

Confused? Don’t worry, as always I will explain.

Here’s how this is going to work. You and I are going to play roles in each of these seven reactions.

You are going to play my ex girlfriend (who is using a 30 day no contact rule on me.) Of course, I am going to be playing your ex boyfriend and plan to give you insight on each of my reactions. Lets get started!

1. The Frantic Caller

 

This is an amusing reaction from a man. I remember when I first created this site I really thought that women who implemented the no contact rule would see this particular reaction from men but the truth is that not as many men have this reaction as I thought.

What is a “frantic caller?”

Frantic Caller- A man who will call “frantically” a few days after NC has started. He will eventually get the hint and stop calling. However, deep in his mind he will always want to hear from you.

So, here is how this situation would work if you and I were the “actors.”

You would use the no contact rule on me. Of course, I wouldn’t realize it until I sent you a few text messages that you don’t respond to. Now, lets hit the pause button and talk about this. Personally, the more I care about someone the more I care about getting a response to a text message.

For example, if I am texting a friend I really don’t mind if my message is not responded to immediately (or at all.) However, on the flip side if I am texting a girl that I have a major crush on or an ex girlfriend (like you 😉 .) I am going to care about getting a response. So, when I send you a text message and you don’t respond to it I am going to start to get agitated.

This agitation is going to lead to me sending more messages down the road or possibly calling you out on why you are not responding to me with a message like this:

“Oh, so you are just ignoring me now?”

At this point you are going to be tempted to respond to me. In a way, I am testing you to see if you will engage with me. This is a classic “guilt trip.”

Of course, every time I send a message that you don’t respond to I am leaving myself vulnerable. This ties directly into the push/pull method that I described in this guide. Basically, the more you ignore me the more likely I am to show you attention. However, the more you send attention my way the less likely I am to give you that attention back.

Usually, after a certain amount of texts are un-responded to I will start calling you frantically. Of course, since you are in a strict NC rule you will be ignoring all of my calls. While it may take a while I will finally get the hint and stop calling which will lead me to ignore you completely.

This is where I want to hit the pause button again.

It’s this ignoring period (that I am doing to you) that I really want to discuss. What is going on in my head during this time?

Firstly, lets look at the facts. I was basically a text gnat to you after I didn’t get my way (once you started ignoring me.) When I advise people I always tell them to try to look beyond the “words” that their ex says to them and look at the actions that their ex does. My actions here, once NC was done by you was to spam you with text messages and phone calls. That fact alone means that I still have interest in you, that I still care about you.

Now, once I start ignoring you it isn’t because all of a sudden I “hate” you, it’s because I finally got the hint that you don’t want to talk to me. Most women who visit this site get very scared during the “ignoring” period by their ex. They think he will “move on” or that he will “find someone else.”

In my experience that doesn’t happen at all. I may try to convince myself that I “don’t like you anymore.” Heck, I may even mouth off to a few of my friends that I don’t want to be with you anymore but deep down that isn’t true. Deep down I am just insecure about being alone and I want to hear from you badly.

I have actually experienced this phenomenon myself before. I like to call this the fake reality phenomenon.

The Fake Reality Phenomenon

During my first breakup ever I experienced something very strange.

I am the type of guy that can sometimes wear my heart on my sleeve. It can be my biggest advantage but also my biggest downfall.

During my first breakup it was definitely my biggest downfall. This particular breakup stands out in my mind because of how nasty it was. It wasn’t nasty from her end it was nasty from my end and I think it all came down to the insecurity I felt from being alone.

Anyways, I did the “ignoring dance” for a long time with her. In fact, I remember the very first day of the breakup I convinced myself that life was better and for a while it was. I had this feeling of being free but eventually the breakup caught up with me and I had to create this fake reality for myself where I did my best to put on this facade that I was great when deep down all I wanted was to talk to my ex.

This is essentially what the fake reality phenomenon is. It’s this weird reality that an ex will create for himself during the no contact rule to tell himself that life is better without you but deep down all he really wants is to talk to you.

2. The Frantic Caller Turned Into Ignorer

This reaction is very similar to the one above. Before I really dive in here let me give you a brief explanation of what this actually is.

Frantic Caller Turned Ignorer- A man who will frantically call after NC but will get so angry that you are ignoring him that he won’t call you again.

A perfect example of this is one of my clients who actually did get her ex back and was kind enough to come onto my podcast and do a podcast episode detailing her experience with no contact starting at 4:35,


This can be a pretty depressing reaction to get. Here is how this will break down if you and I were the “actors” in this play ;).

Just like before, you are going to implement the no contact rule on me and just like before I am going to become a text gnat by sending you a lot of different text messages and phone calls. Here is where the main difference will come into play, instead of me ignoring you (but wanting to hear from you) I am going to be ignoring you out of anger.

Let me dive a little deeper into the male thinking here.

Above I talked about how the more I care about a person emotionally the more I care about a text message response. This is an important nugget of knowledge to grasp for this reaction because it really goes down to the core of why an ex may potentially ignore you out of spite.

Look, no one likes to be flat out ignored. That fact alone is why the no contact rule is such an effective method. However, there will always be a certain portion of men that REALLY don’t like being ignored. These are the types of men that will take you ignoring them very personally. So personally in fact, that they will ignore you out of anger and spite just to “get back at you.”

Again though, lets really look at the facts. Anyone who frantically calls you definitely has an interest in you (or at least wants to know what you think.) So, while they may take your ignoring personally you have to wonder if deep down (beyond that anger) they still really want to hear from you.

I am a glass half full kind of guy so I choose to look at it like this: men who take being ignored personally will want to get back at you. However, deep down they just have this really thick “fake reality” wall built up to protect themselves from being hurt.

Remember when I was telling you that story about my very first breakup being really bad?

Well, the “frantic caller turned into ignorer” was the exact reaction that I had to the breakup. You see, my ex didn’t do a no contact rule on me but for a week we didn’t talk and I was definitely a text gnat and call gnat. Of course, after she ignored me I ignored her out of spite and created that “fake reality” to convince myself that everything was ok.

“Psssttt… want to hear a secret?”

Deep down I wanted to talk to her so bad but I was too stubborn to do so.

Speaking of stubborn!

3. The Stubborn Guy

“He is just so darn stubborn… I can’t get him to do anything I want.”

I can’t tell you how often I hear women say this to me when they talk about their ex. Unfortunately, it is a common problem. But how does that problem manifest itself in no contact? Firstly, I would like to explain exactly what the “stubborn guy” is.

The Stubborn Guy- This is a reaction that a certain man will have during the no contact period. Typically, they have the “she will have to call me first attitude.” In other words, they are too stubborn to even want to reach out during the no contact rule.

I have a feeling that a lot of women are going to be interested in this.

It is your greatest fear after all, having an ex NOT contact you at all during a no contact period. I want to explore this so you can truly understand what your ex is thinking. First though, lets get our two favorite actors to act this scenario out ;).

As always, you are going to initiate the no contact rule. However, this time I am not going to contact you. In other words, what we have here is a no contact rule stand off. Obviously, this is not what you want to have happen but the fact of the matter is that some men will react this way to the no contact rule. There are a complex range of emotions that go on here so I am going to be dividing this overall category into multiple sections. First, I would like to start with one of our favorite terms, the aftertaste effect.

The Aftertaste Effect

What is stubbornness? Perhaps more to the point, what is the definition of a stubborn person?

Stubborn Person- Someone who refuses to change their mind about something.

Why am I going into this? Well, I want to make it clear that just because someone is a stubborn person that doesn’t mean that it is impossible to change their mind. It just means you have to know how to deal with them. Lets turn our attention back to the aftertaste effect.

An ex who has the “stubborn guy” reaction to the no contact rule will have it because of the aftertaste they have of your previous relationship. For example, if I thought back to our (you and I’s) fake relationship and only thought bad things about it I would most likely have this mindset:

“I never want to talk to her again.”

Me having that thought about you is probably your greatest fear when it comes to getting me back. Of course, the thing YOU have to remember is that it is possible to change my mind. This is where your discipline comes in with the no contact rule.

The “Victim” Attitude

I would say that I can be a stubborn person when it comes to breakups. How do I know this? Well, because I lived it!

I think stubborn men as a whole adopt two specific mindsets when they are put in the no contact rule. I want to use this section to describe the first mindset.

There is a certain allure to being the victim. I mean, think about it. You get sympathy from everyone if you are a victim. This is especially true when it comes to relationships. When I read the comments and inquiries I get from readers every day I feel bad for some of the women I communicate with. ME feeling bad for you usually means that I am on your side!

How does this apply to stubborn men you ask?

Stubborn men during no contact want to be adored by their exes. If it was up to them they would have you calling them 20 times a day while they ignore you so they can show you “who’s boss.” Only you aren’t going to do that. You are a strong, independent and disciplined woman who isn’t going to break NC.

This is really NOT what they want. The fact that YOU aren’t begging them like you should be is going to agitate them and make them feel like the victim…

Yes, you read that right THEY are going to feel like the victim even though in the grand scheme of things they aren’t one. It is a really warped way of looking at things, I’ll admit, but you wanted to know about mens minds right?

The “She Has To Call Me First” Attitude

This is an attitude that I have personal experience with.

I remember during a breakup that I was so stubborn that I actually told myself “she has to call me first if she wants to talk to me.” You see, I, like most men, have a very warped way of looking at things. Every time I talk to a woman that I am dating or a woman I am interested in I look at every single interaction as a power struggle. This is especially true when it comes to who texts who first and who calls who first.

(I know, it’s really messed up isn’t it? I think it is just a guy thing.)

Anyways, having an ex call you first, if you are a stubborn guy, is like winning a game. If she calls you first you think to yourself “yup, I have her eating out of the palm of my hand.” Of course, if she doesn’t call you first then you begin to think that you are a “victim.”

In the end it all ties together.

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4. The Clueless Guy

Ah.. the clueless guy! Just a word of warning this section is going to be a bit shorter than the rest of the “reactions” during the no contact rule. That is because the clueless guy reaction is rare. So, what is a clueless guy reaction?

The Clueless Guy- A legitimate reaction where your ex is entirely clueless throughout the no contact rule. Men like this tend to be socially awkward or don’t really sense that anything is wrong.

I understand that you may be a little confused at how this reaction will play out in real life. So, as always, lets let our two professional actors act this situation out ;).

You are going to start the no contact rule on me. Of course, I am clueless about the whole situation so I may contact you or I may not. It will depend on a number of factors. If I don’t it’s not because I am trying to “put you in your place” it’s just that I am clueless about the whole situation.

Part of the reason the no contact rule works so well is the fact that the party it is being done to will sense that something is wrong. This feeling that they get will create a range of emotions and eventually (sometimes subconsciously) show them how much their ex significant other really means to them.

So, this begs the question:

Will the no contact rule even work on someone who has a “clueless” reaction? Before we can answer that we need to study the psychology behind someone with a clueless reaction.

The Psychology Behind A “Clueless” Reaction

One thing I’ve learned over my years as a coach is that men who tend to be clueless are ones that don’t have a lot of experience in relationships.

You see, one thing I have learned about women throughout my life is they tend to drop these little hints when you talk to them. These hints are a way of testing you to see where you stand on a certain issue. How you react to the hint will dictate how they approach the situation in the future.

A clueless guy is the type of guy who will not pick up any hints at all. He is too clueless or wrapped up in his own world to.

For example, during the NC period a clueless guy will not sense that anything is wrong at all. Here is where things get interesting though. He may actually contact you during the no contact period (but at the same time he may NOT contact you.)

So, there are aspects of being frantic and stubborn in there but as a whole he will not get any of the hints you drop. He will just assume everything is ok. Again, I would like to reiterate that this type of guy is very rare. I would say that there is a 95% chance that your ex boyfriend is NOT going to have this reaction.

Will The No Contact Still Work?

A few sections ago I asked a simple question. Will the no contact rule work on someone who is “clueless” about it?

The answer is YES it still can work but not in the way you think.

The biggest misconception is that the no contact rule is only for your ex boyfriend. In fact, I would say that, that is only half the battle. The half that everyone seems to forget about is the effect that NC has on YOU.

Hmm… how can I best explain this?

Ok, getting an ex boyfriend back requires an interesting balance. You have to be hyper aware of your emotions. You need to know when you have to be logical and you need to know when you have to be emotional. If you can find the perfect combination between the two (remaining logical while using your emotions to tap into your exes emotions) you have a really good chance to get your ex boyfriend back.

Here is the problem though, without the no contact rule you really don’t have any chance to acquire the logical mindset you need. Post-breakup is when you are at your emotional peak and while emotions can be good sometimes in this case you are probably too emotional to talk to your ex. That is why the no contact rule is such a beautiful thing.

If you can get through NC it shows that you have the discipline to remain logical!

5. The Scared Guy

Have you ever wondered if your ex is too scared to talk to you? In this section we are going to be covering the range of emotions that will be going through an exes head who feels too scared to even make a move. First though, I would like to define “the scared guy.”

The Scared Guy- This is a reaction that is the exact opposite of someone who frantically calls or texts. It’s a reaction that a guy will have when he is too scared to make a move during NC. He isn’t ignoring you out of stubbornness. He is ignoring you out of fear.

Lets not beat around the bush here, women are scary.

I am not afraid to admit it either.. I AM AFRAID OF WOMEN.

Still, to this day, I get the shakes when I am talking to a beautiful woman. It’s not because I am afraid of her. I am more afraid of what she is thinking about me. Here is the ironic part about the whole thing. I bet that the girl that I am talking to is getting the shakes because she is afraid of what I think about her.

The point I am trying to make here is don’t think that just because your ex isn’t contacting you it means he is stubborn. It may be entirely possible that he is too scared to reach out for fear of messing up. You tend to see this a lot with an ex boyfriend who YOU broke up with. So, let me break the “scared guy” reaction down for you.

If YOU broke up with me and implemented a no contact rule then I would definitely be afraid to contact you because of the fear of rejection. This begs an interesting question:

If you know for a fact that your ex boyfriend is afraid to contact you then shouldn’t you just break the NC and reach out to him first?

No… A BIG NO!

Here is what could happen in the mind of an ex boyfriend throughout the entire process:

If you contact him first during no contact he is probably going to revert to the stubborn mindset of “oh ya! I got her to reach out to me first after SHE broke up with me.” After this happens you are basically at his mercy.

Are you starting to understand no contact now? Dealing with exes during it is almost like a game. The game is all about power and usually the person with the power is in the best position.

6. The Mid Caller

This is a reaction from exes that I see a lot when I communicate with women on this site. I really want to do a good job explaining this so I am just going to cut right to the chase.

The Mid Caller- A common reaction that you will get during the NC rule. Instead of frantically calling at the beginning of the no contact rule an ex who has this reaction will call just a few times during the middle of the no contact rule.

As always, we are going to let our two favorite actors act out this scene for us so we have a better grasp of how this is all going to go down.

You are going to start the scene by implementing the no contact rule on me. I am going to enter into a NC rule duel with you. However, midway through the duel I am going to lose my nerve and reach out to you. Lets hit the pause button and explore this for a minute.

In my mind there are two possible explanations for why an ex boyfriend will call you a few days in (5-8 days) or midway through a no contact rule (14-18 days.)

Explanation #1- He Is Totally Clueless

This explanation ties directly in to what I talked about before with the “clueless guy.” It’s pretty simple really. Your ex is clueless about the whole situation and has no idea that you are doing a no contact rule on him. As a result, he will reach out in the middle of the no contact period.

Of course, when you ignore the text he sends he is going to figure out really quickly that something is up. Once he figures this out just sit back and watch the craziness ensue!

Explanation #2- He Loses The NC Rule Duel

This is much more likely to happen.

Chances are, if you are doing the no contact rule immediately after a breakup your ex boyfriend is going to be thinking about you a lot. He may have a little bit of stubbornness in him in that he won’t want to be the first one to contact you. As a result of that stubbornness he will engage with you in a no contact duel.

Of course, somewhere down the road his curiosity of what you are up to and how you are doing is going to take over and he will just throw caution to the wind by essentially losing the “duel.”

If he does lose this duel it can tell you a few important things. Firstly, he is thinking about you a lot which we can assume means that he still has some deep emotional feelings for you. Secondly, he cares about what you think and finally, YOU have power over him!

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The Angry Guy

Lets face the facts here. Getting your ex boyfriend back isn’t meant to be easy. If it was, well, then this site wouldn’t need to exist. This final reaction is what I like to call the “angry guy” reaction. Lets take a moment and define it.

The Angry Guy- The type of reaction you can get when your ex wants nothing to do with you (and means it..) Therefore, during NC he would not reach out to contact you.

The angry guy reaction is really the reaction that is going to tie into the aftertaste effect the most out of any reaction listed throughout this guide. Lets say that during our fake relationship you were not exactly a good girlfriend. You cheated on me or did something that really upset me. If I broke up with you under those pretenses then the chances are high that I left the relationship with a really bad taste in my mouth. If that was the case, then I probably will not want to contact you during the no contact period.

Except there is something different about the angry guy reaction as opposed to the stubborn guy reaction.

You see, with the stubborn guy reaction I won’t contact you during NC but deep down I will still want to hear from you. The angry guy reaction is a step above that. It is when an ex boyfriend is so angry that he wants nothing to do with you. He doesn’t even want to see or hear from.

As I already stated, a lot of the angry guy reaction is going to tie into YOUR choices during your previous relationship (a la the aftertaste effect.) Of course, there are some guys that are just plain jerks that don’t know how to handle a breakup and will exhibit this reaction.

Typically, the tell tale sign of an angry guy reaction is when your ex says some very hurtful things to your face repeatedly. The keyword in that sentence is “repeatedly.” You see, you can almost expect an ex to say mean things to you after a breakup but if he keeps saying them to you over and over again post no contact (and it becomes vicious and cruel) you may have brought out the “angry guy” from within.

So, I suppose the real question here is, is it possible to get someone back if they exhibit this reaction?

Can You Get An “Angry Guy” Back?

It’s possible. In fact, one of my best friends did it.

However, it is not easy.

It is going to take a lot of patience on your part and even then there are no guarantees. In the end, what it all boils down to is if you think your ex is worth it. Really take a good hard look at your previous relationship and ask yourself a simple question:

“do I want to do this again?”

3,852 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”

  1. Avatar

    Rosemarie

    February 28, 2019 at 12:35 am

    My ex and I were together for 3 years. We were long distance and my last visit to see him was on December 24th. I only was able to see him for 6 days. We had one fight out of all the days I was there, and later on talked things over. Before the day I left I cried in his arms telling him that I was tired of the distance and I wanted to be together for once and not have to part. He agreed kissed my face and held me to comfort me. He told me if we didnt work out he would never marry. In January we were perfect again saying “I love you so much” daily rather than just “I love you” we constantly were there for one another supporting each other and he even called me to keep my head above water when something bad happened. Around January 29th everything fell apart. He stopped telling me he loved me, and everytime we spoke something Id do would be wrong. He’d always find a reason to become angry with me and blame me. I always was calm and tried reassuring him that it wasnt what he thought, but he didn’t believe me. He broke up with me on February 4th over the phone. He claimed he wanted to live in complete isolation with absolutely no one by his side because he wasnt good with people. We talked on the phone for four hours until 5am even though we both had work in the morning. (He recently joined the Army as well) At the end of that phone call he said that no matter what state or situation it was always the same, meaning he couldnt stop loving me, he even stated “the perpetual torture of it all”. Yesterday his brother asked him if he was going to take me back. He told him various things “No, Im not going back to her. Shes not what I want anymore.” Along with saying I never changed and that I was “fake”. He then texted me a long paragraph about how the relationship as a whole was a waste of time, money, and effort etc. he claimed I was nothing special and I gave the same amount of love his ex did, but that wasnt what hit me. He told me, “Im done with you, this time, for good.” I felt sick to my stomach and went home early from work. I responded to him with respect and blocked him on everything to keep myself from looking back. Part of me wishes I didnt block him, but knowing him in the past he would always block me. He told his brother as well that he wants companionship with a woman, but not with me anymore.

  2. Avatar

    G

    February 25, 2019 at 9:23 am

    Hello,

    Me and my boyfriend split up a few days before New Year’s Eve. He split up with me because every time we go out and when drink is involved we always end up arguing and saying nasty things to each other. I know this isn’t healthy but the rest of the time when we aren’t out drinking, our relationship is amazing and we are really happy together. We really bounce of each other and he’s been really good to me.

    However, when we broke up he said he wants someone who he can go out with and drink with on occasions but that doesn’t work for us because every time we go out together both of us end up getting too drunk. When he was breaking up with me, I suggested we don’t drink together because it isn’t good for our relationship. However, he said he wants to be able to drink with someone. I’m not sure why this is so important because you can have fun with out getting smashed.

    After he broke up with me, he carried on speaking to me but we didn’t see each other and he kept texting me saying how much he loves me and misses me so then he asked to get back with me about 3 weeks ago. So I got back with him and of course I was so happy.

    He then broke up with me again yesterday saying he is really angry at me and I’ve really hurt him and i don’t see how much I’ve hurt him and he wants to erase me from my mind and move on because he isn’t in love with me anymore because I’ve hurt him and I haven’t realised.

    After saying all of this to me, he then started kissing me and saying it’s going to be okay but we can’t be together and we both need to move on. It’s confusing because last week he was telling me he loves me and missed me and now hes breaking up with me again.

    Please help me! I don’t know what to do! Because he has blocked me on everything- my number, WhatsApp, social media. I have no way of contacting him and it’s driving me crazy and I only saw him yesterday.

    I’ve read through your article and I’m not sure which one he is. He is angry at me and very hurt and he’s an extremely sensitive guy. He seems to hate me right now.

    I love him and I am also hurt because I am confused and I really want to speak to him but I don’t want to push him away.

    We didn’t speak about the NC yesterday but he has asked me yesterday not to contact him again or speak to him ever again.

    Please help?

    Thank you, G

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 26, 2019 at 1:35 am

      Hi there G! I see a lot has been happening and you have been thru a lot. Are you using my Program as it will help you a lot with properly implementing NC!

  3. Avatar

    andrea bender

    February 21, 2019 at 2:09 pm

    My SO and I have been together for 10 years. We have had a few on and off again events but always come back together. He has a very stressful job and up to this point we’ve always seemed to work around it. However, 2 weeks ago he broke up with me citing trust issues, for things he THOUGHT I did. For the record, I have never strayed nor have I had a desire to. I’m as monogamous as anyone can ever be.I am outgoing but not flirtatious, as far as “I” can tell. I’ve tried to explain to him that he is mistaken and that there has never been anyone else. How can I prove to him that I am faithful to him only and just because he perceives me as attractive, that does not mean im going to stray.? How can I regain his trust? How can the NC rule help. What do I do?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 21, 2019 at 10:34 pm

      Hi Andrea!

      I pretty sure I answered your question as you also reached out by my “Contact Form”!

  4. Avatar

    An

    February 18, 2019 at 10:59 pm

    Hi Chris,
    First of all thank you for all the work you have done, it has been really helpful!
    I have had no conact with my boyfriend of 3 years, for over a couple of weeks now as we have gone on a “break” to calm down,take a step back and think about not only the relationship but also take a look at ourselves. We also agreed not to date/talk to other people. As hard as it has been this time apart has been really good for me to realise the mistakes I was making (primarily not listening, bad communication and being too dependent) and also to reflect on myself and start making changes to my own life. However, I am now stuck as to how to start communication again. I dont want to be too pushy or too needy, but also feel like enough time has passed and I want us to decide if we will continue together or go our separate ways because this limbo is no fun. Should I send a normal message asking how his weekend was or go straight into it and basically say what i said above? Any advice would be really appreciated. Thanks!

  5. Avatar

    Lindsay Caldwell

    February 17, 2019 at 9:17 pm

    I started no contact late. I was going to try immediately, but we stared talking a couple of days later, and talked like friends for a few weeks. Yesterday, after trying to get myself to start NC for days, I told him that I was going to take a break for a month. He flipped out and is so angry. He blocked me in one location but hasn’t on most social media. When he flipped out he said how now there will be no chance for reconciliation in the future and how he doesn’t understand why I’m doing this. Called me out for stuff he didn’t like that I did in the relationship. (Nothing terrible like cheating or anything).

    I’m so scared that he really won’t be open to trying again in the future. But I also think he was just so upset in the moment that maybe when he calms down he won’t be so averse to it. Guess I’m just venting but any insight is appreciated as well.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 17, 2019 at 11:01 pm

      HI Lindsay!

      I think he just overreacted. NC periods need not be 30 days, it can be shorter and there are times when you can make exceptions to NC given certain factors. I wrote about it in my eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book (245 pages). You should take a look at that resources to help guide you thru all this.

  6. Avatar

    Broken

    February 15, 2019 at 3:42 pm

    My ex and I had been together for a little over 10 months. He talked about how he has never felt this way before and that he felt so comfortable around me. It got to the point where we went and looked at engagement rings and got my fingered sized 8 months in. Then he had a stressful job change where he was gone training for the next full month. I tried my best to be there for him but our work schedules kind of drew us apart. Then the holidays followed soon after and we seemed to be arguing a lot more. He said he tried to fix it but I explained to him the way he went about it made me feel cornered. He has since stated he feels exhausted and at this point in time his current feelings just aren’t in it and he doesnt love me like he did in the beginning. I tried explaining that love changes throughout a relationship but he was having nothing of it. We have been broken up for about a month now and he is sleeping with someone else yet promises me he wont be in a new relationship anytime soon. We lived together almost the whole time we were together so I just finished moving my things out last week so I have been NC for about a week now. He just deleted me off FB yesterday. I told him the last time we spoke that he was the one and I wanted to marry him regardless of the situation. He had previously admitted to being scared about getting burned in the end like his previous relationship and I tried to assure him that would not happen. He just keeps saying maybe we can reconnect in the future…..does he really mean it? Or is that just to get me to leave him and his new fling alone?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 16, 2019 at 12:42 am

      Hi there!

      I hope you are using my eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” because it goes over everything about not just how to properly implement the No Contact period, but all the things you can be doing to recovery and grow your value and do things for “you”. As to what will happen in the future, there are always many paths. Choose one that focuses first on lifting yourself up.

  7. Avatar

    Broken

    February 12, 2019 at 4:37 am

    Hello,
    I’m not sure what else I can do. I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year and then a week later (this past week) we got into a fight about how he doesn’t want me to be around when his friends are because he has more fun with them when I’m not there. We have had this argument before and I have anger issues so I become overly dramatic and make the situation worse. Anyways, while on the phone arguing he told me that I’m the root of our relationships problems and that I cause all the arguments. I immediately said I wanted to break up because I don’t want to be anyones “problem” but I wish I hadn’t. He tried to break up with me a few weeks before that for similar issues but I told him I was going to counseling for my anger and he stayed. This break up has been really hard for me and I have been texting his friend because he has blocked my number and unfollowed me on most social media, asking for my things back. The thing is he is already on Tinder and I’m pretty certain he is already sleeping with other women (after only a week of being apart from me). This hurts so much and I don’t know if I even could reconcile our relationship after he has betrayed me like this. I just want to know if the no contact should extend to his friend as well or if he is even likely to want to get back together with me after sleeping with women right out of our relationship? It feels like everything we were was a lie but I still love him for some reason.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 13, 2019 at 12:52 am

      Hi there Broken….let’s change you name to “Lifted Up”. Because that is what your focus should be going forward. There are many ways to heal and recovery and I get into all that in my Program. I would say to your question of whether NC should apply to your ex’s friend, that the answer is probably not. But be aware your ex’s friend can potentially be a conduit to your ex which can be good or bad, depending how that connection is used.

  8. Avatar

    Denise

    February 8, 2019 at 2:15 am

    Hi Chris. We dated for 5 and a half years. Both law enforcement.. got along great. Wanted to be with each other every second (even partners at work and lived together never getting sick of one another) felt guilty when I didn’t want to be with him such as go out with friends or go to bars so did so a twice and hid it. Got caught each time causing our only fights and break ups ever. 3 months ago I went home for the night said goodnight and went to friends house and got caught again. In addition, Being on predominantly male job and hiding my relationship there are rumors I’m sleeping with everyone. None which true but it’s always been part of job. Now with this deceit on my end, and still hearing the rumors he believes everything he’s ever heard about me. I have admitted all my wrongs and lies but have never cheated but have apologized for past 3 months for everything I have done to make it easy for him to believe. He said he was going to propose this year and this was perfect sign from above to get out while he can. He is extremely angry. Like I said for past 3 months I’ve been panicking and apologizing. Our last conversation was 21 days ago (whose counting) when he called me screaming that his family heard of more rumors about me. I was very angry (finally! I’ve been wanting to feel anger instead of pain) but the anger has subsided. I want to be with him and I want all of this to end. I know what I did wrong and I know how to make it right for our future relationship now that old relationship is dead. He is so angry and so stubborn and he is so convinced by all this, I know if I never contact him, he will never contact me again. He had never spoken to me in all our years together as he has in these past 3 months (horribly). But I’ve been taking it. It puts me in panic to lose him and I do think of him all day long. Which is why I know I need more than 30 days of NC. To be honest since I spent 3 months begging and pleading, I was thinking of taking 3 months (at least 90 days) of NC. Everyone says screw him and move on but I invested too much… I still see my future by his side.

  9. Avatar

    Samantha

    February 4, 2019 at 7:15 pm

    Hi! We dated for 7 months. Things seemed to be going great. When we first started dating he was upfront and honest from the very beginning. He had explained he was going through an ugly divorce and is in the middle of fighting for full custody to his children. It’s not a relationship I ever thought I would be in, but something about him made me to go through with it. During our 7 months I fell hard. I understood the stress that he has been going through, and was genuinely happy for what he was able to give me during this time. He was my favorite part of everyday during those months. Recently I noticed he was being less attentive, but I took into consideration it was stress with the custody battle and on top of that he was sick. He received exciting news recently, his divorced was finalized! I was so happy for him and things seemed to be falling into place for him. I really noticed the shift in our relationship once the divorced was final. One evening I asked if everything was alright. He said “I think we need to stop acting like we are compatible, we aren’t and won’t be compatible”. Even though I noticed the shift, I felt blind sided. He was still calling me every morning and night. I asked him why did he not tell me last weekend? He claimed to not know then, he was “thinking”. I feel like this was an impulsive, insensitive decision. Especially to do via text. I am absolutely devastated. It’s hard to accept this because things have been great. I don’t know how he can one week go by telling me “you are amazing, I appreciate you.” To the next that we “aren’t” compatible. I’m sorry, but what were we this entire time?? I handled the situation pretty calm, because I’m sorry for him to feel like we aren’t. Knowing I did everything right, yet I’m the one feeling like this is torture. We have been 10 days NC, and I thought it would be a little easier by now. Well I was wrong. I expected to hear more from him. I hate the thought of him not in my life. I really don’t know what to do. As hurt as I am, I miss him even more.

    I’m questioning myself if I should have fought back for him. I can’t stop thinking what is he feeling? Does he regret this? Or is he happy with his decision?

    please help.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 4, 2019 at 9:27 pm

      Hi Samantha!

      So I know NC is hart in so many ways, but if you tap into my Program and read my eBooks you will learn how to best implement this principle. Its starts with your own focus on continued healing and recovery and your efforts to be the best “you”. I talk a lot about the things you can do to pick yourself up (Holy Trinity of Personal Recovery) and much more so got check it out as I am so limited in what I can cover here in this comment system.

  10. Avatar

    Julie

    February 4, 2019 at 1:03 pm

    Hi Chris,
    I dated this guy for 3 months and he was investing a lot of time and effort. He told me he liked me and wanted to be exclusive, and I was the one saying that we needed to take it slow. The last weekend we saw each other before the holidays, he said he liked me and was about to fall for me and I didn’t say anything back as I was scared to say the same and then things would fizzle out during the two-week holidays. The first week when we were away he was still messaging everyday, telling me he missed me, but the second week he started to pull away slowly.. when we returned from holidays he didn’t make an effort to see me for 2 weeks, still messaging but my gut instinct told me something was wrong. I was patient and was finding excuses for his behaviour (New job) but then one day I told him that I wasn’t the kind of woman that men string along and that the hot and cold was not for me and I was over it. He responded saying he understood my point and we should meet the next day to talk about it. I didn’t reply and been NC for 2 weeks… do you think there is a chance he will come back?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 4, 2019 at 5:14 pm

      Hi Julie….so I know all this can be upsetting but choosing NC is the right move for your personally and also your chances of getting him back. Just follow my teachings as I lay them out so you can make the most of the NC period. I have a epic long eBook, “EBR Pro” that gets into all of this and more!

  11. Avatar

    Nadia

    February 3, 2019 at 8:15 pm

    Thank you so much for this great article. My boyfriend told me he loved me and wanted a girlfrient then 5 days later broke up with me while on holiday. It was really out of the blue. I was devasted and kept texting him to come back. He has depression and feels disconnected. He said he cares about me alot, and likes speaking to me, we get on really well. I started NC 3 days ago, it’s really difficult. Would NC work on my ex even though he has depression.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 4, 2019 at 3:52 am

      Thanks Nadia! I know its hurts when its out of the blue. Some guys can struggle emotionally with what they want. Instead of a strict NC, you may want to be responsive to him if he reaches out in a positive way, but think little steps. Rushing thru this process of healing and recovery and re-evaluation is never wise. Tap into any of my Program resources to help you going forward!

  12. Avatar

    Jessica

    February 2, 2019 at 12:18 pm

    Hello Christ,

    I met this guy 2013 and we dated for three years (2016). I break up with him because we argued a lot. He met another girl online right after we break up in 2017. When they started dating, he keeps coming back to me and we had sex regularly while he is with his new gf. In January 2019, he engaged with her. I don’t know what he is thinking? He told me he was so confused ten days before the engagement and how could he change his mind so quickly? What is he thinking? He keeps texting me after engagement ( it is about some work, but he can actually ignore it because it is not important).

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 3, 2019 at 12:24 am

      Hi Jessica!

      Yep…conflict can bring erosion to a relationship. He seems to be making some impulsive decisions. In time, much of this will sort itself out. I suspect he is starting to get a dose of reality and trying to figure out what he really wants. But you I hope you have my epic 485 page eBook as it will help you through this process.

  13. Avatar

    Sarah

    February 2, 2019 at 10:41 am

    Hi Chris,
    I am lost and devastated after my ex broke it off with me. We were together (with a small break) for 3 years, he broke up worth me for 6 months then came running back and won me over, we had remained in brief contact and loved each other’s company and neither of us found a better match. We dated again for just over a year, but I didn’t move back in. We could have worked through our problems but instead tiny things turned into small arguments with me defending myself and him not back down. I love him. And he said he loves me in his own way. He has said NC is best as it only hurts us and we go back and forth, but I’ve not had closure and am finding it so hard. Will he respect me giving him NC and want to talk? I’m finding it so painful.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 3, 2019 at 12:28 am

      Hi Sarah!

      Hang in there Sarah….things will get better in the healing department if you embrace some of the recovery activities I advocate. Sometimes its best to just break off all the communication for some time and focus on your own recovery and learn that your entire world need not revolve around your ex. Time is a great healer it also can provide you both with some insights about the relationship. I encourage you to explore my website and resources and tools as there is a lot of information here that can help you move forward and also help you potentially with re-attraction.

  14. Avatar

    Jessica

    January 27, 2019 at 6:24 pm

    Hi Chris, Ive been in NC for exactly 1 month today with my ex. We had been together for 5 years already on and off we’ve been through ups and downs together. Well, on November of last year we had gone out to dinner and out for drinks just the two of us. As he was driving off he got pulled over and was arrested (3rd dui). When he was bailed he came straight to my apartment and gave me a big hug and headed back home. The following day i tried to be supportive he told me he was feeling down since he knew he would probably be doing a year in prison. He told me that it was best to let go that it wasnt fair for him to drag me along that I deserved better. I told him I would be there for him. He then started acting distant from me. The 1st week i would message him and no response from him. So, then I decided to just not message him. He then noticed i was distant and he started to text me he missed me and I would ignore his messages. He asked me why I was acting this way with him, that he was already on the edge he didn’t need me to push him over that he didn’t want to fight or argue with me. So, i told him that that was what he wanted to let go. So, we started to see and text each other again. But, i just felt like we weren’t spending much time together as we used to and that things were not the same since his arrest. He had me confused on where we stood in our relationship and for that reason I started to act cold towards him. One day he had stopped by my apartment, i had gone to an interview that day and he asked me where had I gone. I didnt feel like I owed him an explanation since I didnt know if we were back together or not. So, since i didnt say anything he got mad and left. We didnt talk or see each other for the next 2 weeks until one day he stopped by on December 24th, while he was inside my house i didnt speak at all to him he was drawing with my daughters since he saw my girls as his own. He attemped several times to talk to me but I just gave him short responses. Before he left day he told me merry Christmas can I get a hug? And i told him no hug and he left. The following week he stopped by my apartment again his excuse to see my daughters. I told him that he couldn’t just be coming in and out of my apartment that its best he just moves on that he was the one who wanted to let go from the beginning. He asked me again is this what you want? I said its best. So, left really mad. And its been a month already NC. He had me so confused and my mind kept going in circles about where we stood he kept coming in and out I didnt feel that was right. Either we were together as a couple or not. I tried to be there for him but drifted apart from me. What do you suggest Chris? Keep NC longer?

  15. Avatar

    Emily

    January 26, 2019 at 2:48 am

    I broke up with my last Saturday. We are madly in love but I have real anger problem which I didn’t realize until I verbally abused him continuously resulting in me kicking him out of anger. He moved to a different state 2 days ago to be with his family as he has nowhere to live here in Portland. After the break up, he blocked me, unblocked me, we talked about everything and my issues and we also were intimate before he officially left. We even talked for 2 hours on the phone on his drive there to Vegas. He sounded extremely positive about him moving there and starting over, even saying things like there’s more fish in the sea etc. But also says he still thinks I’m amazing and beautiful and that a part of him still wants to be with me. Is it absolutely pointless for me to attempt to get him to move back if I’m the one who initiated it and abused him and lost his trust? Will no contact help me in any way?

    Thank you

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 27, 2019 at 3:15 am

      Yes, I do think a break will help you both. But implement NC in the way I teach in my Program!

  16. Avatar

    Bernadette

    January 26, 2019 at 12:36 am

    Hi Chris,

    My boyfriend and I broke up a month ago. We were in an on and off relationship for the last 3 years. Before our last break up, we broke up because he wanted to put our relationship to the next level. He wanted me to move in with him. I told him I will if we get engaged first. Those days he was giving me hints about proposing (like lets do ring window shopping, planning how many kids we want, telling his family about what we want) until one night we were having pillow talk, he told me that he’s not sure if he wanted to have family with me. He said he was not sure about me. So blew up, we had a fight. I told him to decide what he really wants. He told me I’ll be happy with someone else and it’s for the best to move on in different direction separately.
    We stopped communicating after that for couple weeks. I tried to live my life until he started texting me and saying he misses me. texting continues and we started seeing each other again. He got sick so I needed to take care of him. So we became close again and next thing we know we’re back dating again without even going back to our issues about what he really wants and about settling down.
    After couple months, our issue was raised again when I asked him what’s his plan and if he really have plans for us. He said I was pushing too much and let just things come naturally. I just can’t, I told him that I’m not asking him to marry me right now. All I want was for him to tell me that he’s seeing a future with me and he wanted me to be part of his life in the future. I asked him to decide. Just a month ago, I open the same topic again and he told me I am pushing again that I should be happy that he’s with me right now. Then I told him I don’t feel secure with him cause he’s so indecisive. He then said he doesn’t know what are we. I then call it off and broke up with hi.
    I explain it to him that I’m on my 30’s already and he’s 37. I want to have kids and build a family of my own. I can’t just waste time waiting for a guy to figure out himself.
    We broke up. We didn’t talk for few days, then I contacted him and I said we need to talk. We talked, I gave him an option that if he wants space I can just give it to him. He said he just want a break and not breakup and this means that we are free to see whoever we wanna see. I can’t agree with that so Is aid I’m out and I can’t do that.
    I did NC. I was successful for 10 days. Then his birthday came. I texted him a HBD. He got back and said thanks and I didn’t get back. The next day, he texted me again saying, he was hoping I will send him a text and great him on his bday. I said, you got it. Then he asked me to go on a movie with him, we went out. The following week, he sent me commenting about the movie we watched. We ended up watching movie at my place, drinking wine, and sleeping together. Just how we were before. The next day, I tried to message him, no reply from him.
    Can I still do NC? Did I ruin everything?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 27, 2019 at 3:26 am

      Hi Bernadette!

      So its a bit of starts and stops…but with more starts which is good. I would say no to rolling out NC, probably better to wait a spell, then reach out again.

    2. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 27, 2019 at 3:26 am

      Hi Bernadette!

      So its a bit of starts and stops…but with more starts which is good. I would say no to rolling out NC, probably better to wait a spell, then reach out again.

  17. Avatar

    Sara myer

    January 23, 2019 at 11:05 am

    Hi Chris,

    I read through most of the comments but couldn’t find a situation similar to mine. BF and I were childhood sweethearts and each other’s first love. However, I broke things off 12 years ago and we went our separate ways, knowing that we’d meet again. 6 months ago we met again and immediately had an amazing connection. We were both euphoric, believed in love again, believed in spirituality..essentially we knew we were the “one” and he kept telling me I should never leave him again. After I met him, I wanted to be a better person and change some of my bad habits and he had the same thought. But I had to move to a different country for a year and we decided we would make it work.

    However, slowly I felt his affection decrease to the point that he never told me he loved me anymore and his messages sounded very serious and to the point. We went on vacation and I could sense that our connection wasn’t as strong as before (less affectionate and less emotional). I began to have doubts as well.

    Then, a week ago, I messaged him, telling him that I feel that our balance is off and that in light of his seriousness, I continually speak of my feelings with no reciprocity. He responded, very cordially that “I don’t think it will work out between us. I tried, but there are some personal and moral things I cannot accept and I am generally not ready and will not make you wait around until you do..etc etc” I simply responded, “Alright, I understand you.” and startet no contact (naturally, not thru some advice).

    I’m not crazy about texting him, if anything, I WANT us to be apart so we can learn whether our relationship is worth it or not, but i am still devastated because I thought he was the one. Of course I can meet someone better but I dont think I can love anyone more than him. Plus, he did have some emotional/personality issues that at one point I thought I shouldn’t have to deal with.

    Anyways, its been 5 days of NC, and I am wondering what he is thinking.

    Also, its his bday in three months and I havent wished him happy birthday since 12 years ago since we had no way of contacting each other during our first separation. I want to continue NC until his bday and then wish him a happy birthday. He’ll be surprised to find out I still remember his bday. Is it a good idea or not?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 23, 2019 at 11:51 pm

      Hi Sara!

      I think there is some wisdom to be found in the NC period. You can find yourself again and heal and grow. And your ex can come to terms with what life is like with out you. You should be thru with NC before his birthday if you are following my Program. Consider picking up my Guide of 485 pages (EBR PRO) as it will blueprint all this out for you!

  18. Avatar

    Britney

    January 21, 2019 at 7:52 pm

    He broke up with me after 4 years (he is 29 and I am 28).
    He’s loved me since 10th grade and has always wanted to be with me and we have been good friends since high school and up until our romantic relationship ended. He broke up with me on 12/24/2018 (unplanned) and said it was because he has mental health issues (which also includes, I’m gathering is hypersexuality) that he’s struggling with and has never admitted too nor accepted and that he cannot hurt me in the ways he could because of those issues/conditions, etc. He also mentioned that he does not want what I want, another kid, house, marriage, etc but at the same time says he doesn’t know what he wants because he hates himself, etc. He is scheduled for therapy and it begins on the 31st. It will take time for therapy to work, he may be placed on meds, may need to see a different therapist if the first one isn’t a good fit, etc. He’s pushing me away to not hurt me. I didn’t know of you or your help before now and was told by family to do the no contact rule. I failed a few times now.
    We were messing back and forth all weekend and he answered some of my questions and we had a pleasant fun chat. I’m summing this up but he also admitted that there is no change in feelings towards me, doesn’t want to be in a relationship anytime soon cause he needs help, also isn’t over me sexually and wants me. Then yesterday the conversation dwindled to nothing. Also, I feel like there is another girl because of a few things but he has told his mom that there is no other girl and that they’re just friends goin through crap that they can relate, he’s even told his brother there is no one else and he’s always honest with them.

    I have no idea what’s going on in his head.
    Should I start the no contact rule now?
    I want us to get back together.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 22, 2019 at 3:34 pm

      Hi Britney! So 4 years is a good amount of time to be together and roots get laid down. Hopefully he is getting treatment with his mental issues. I would not rush into NC, but consider drawing back, limiting the contact to see how he responds.

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    Melrose

    January 20, 2019 at 8:29 am

    Hello, my bf of 1 year broke up with me on our anniversary, it happened because I told him it was our anniversary and he forgot.  It turned out ( info from his mom) that he was getting really stressed out at work and on top of that his grandfather died ( he didn’t tell me, his mom did). P.S. he didn’t openly tell his mom about the breakup , she asked if I was coming over and then he told her, when she asked why, he said he didn’t know and for angry and didn’t want to talk about it.  Back to the break-up day, He told me that he just wanted to be alone and that he was giving up on himself, not me.  He said that he was doing what he always do, which is messed everything up. He said that’s how you know you truly love someone when you can let them go, and that despite what flaws I think I have, that I’m perfect. I told him, that is not true and that nothing was wrong with us.  I told him that if we  cared about each other then nothing else mattered.  He then ignored me for 1 week, then we went out to the movies ( my treat in light of his grandfather passing ) if literally felt like nothing changed, he even held my hand accidently during the movies and let go multiple times.  Then after that he became so mean to me when I called him on the phone, openly saying stuff like we never going to get back together in a joking manner, just doing everything that he know will upset me but not saying don’t call me ever again or hanging up the phone.  I then came up with a plan, I decided that I would contact him but only on Sundays to check in with him and that be it.  When I did that starting last week, he even asked how I was doing ( shocker).  This week, I called him on Saturday, and he text back that he was at work, I asked when he was getting off and he said late, then I asked if he needed a ride and he said no that he was ok.  So I guess the point is at least he texted back and cared enough to tell me that he was at work instead of ignoring me all together.  But then, I called him (2x) and he never responded.  I also sent him a gift of one of his favorite themes, but he never responded.  What do I do? What are our chances ?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 20, 2019 at 5:09 pm

      Hi Melrose….always improved odds if you are employing and ex recovery plan, such as I discuss in my Program. Yes, him texting back is positive. But then him not responding later is not usual. Give it some space and time. And check out my resources!

  20. Avatar

    Tiffany Gross

    January 16, 2019 at 5:10 am

    Hi Chris,

    My boyfriend and I dated for about 3 years. We have lived together for the past year. I had a surgury on Dec 20th, and had complications so I didnt recover fully until the 31st. It was a really scary time for me. On the 29th he went out with friends to watch a football game and I texted something rude about how I hoped the team he was rooting for didnt win. I was really just hurt he wasnt spending time with me when I finally was starting to feel better. He never came home that night (his reason was he was drunk and a friend took his phone). I flipped out and kicked him out. He moved his clothes to that friends house to live. On the 31st I got the news I recovered from my surgury. I was so relieved and I begged him to see me. We met for drinks and I apologized. I begged him to spend the holiday with me and refused. I went hysterical. I called and called all through the 1st which he told me to stop. We texted intermittedly (according to your point system it’s really bad though- him 15 me 165). We saw each other on the Jan 13th and I baked him cookies, bought him a gift, paid for dinner, even ended up making out in the car and layed it all out for him. We talked about how according to the 5 languages of love I need more quality time and he needs more physical affection and words of affirmation. I begged and begged all night so emotionally promising to deliver on these things. It was horrible. He still ended it with he doesnt want to date me. Also said things like he hasn’t been happy for awhile, I didnt make him feel loved, and I was trying to change him. Hes more calm grounded and quiet where I am busy airy and talkative. Ultimately he doesnt think it’s going to work and he will never forget the pain. I think now that we have talked about it and communicated our needs in a relationship its repairable. However, he isnt interested. He knows I dont want to hear it and feels bad about hurting me but he is single going to start dating has downloaded and made a few profiles and is going to try and move on.

    So now that you have the back story. I am initiating NC as of TODAY Jan 15th.

    I know I messed up by begging (twice)- I was emotional. I know i messed up by not initiating NC immediately when he moved out on the 30th. I know i left a bad taste in his mouth. I think he is part clueless, part ANGRY, and part scared.

    Do you think I even have a chance? I’m going to do it regardless. I just want an expert’s opinion on if theres any hope that I’ll get him back. Or if the damage is done.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 17, 2019 at 1:42 am

      Always a chance Tiffany…but best to have a plan and since your NC is underway now, you are heading in the right direction. Be sure you understand though how the whole Program works. Pick up my eBook if necessary as it can crystallize in your mind how to proceed with all kinds of scenarios.

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