By Chris Seiter

Updated on February 27th, 2021

Have you ever heard that famous quote,

Age is just a number?

Well, in my experience that quote isn’t always accurate. Sure, technically speaking age is just a number. However, when it comes to relationships age is a way in which you can gauge how experienced and mature a partner is.

For example, a boy who is 16 years old is going to have a different view of relationships as compared to a man who is 36 years old.

But what about a couple who has a massive age difference?

I can’t tell you how many times I have encountered a situation where the man is significantly older than the woman and the woman comes to Ex Boyfriend Recovery looking for a way to win her man back.

In fact, about a month ago I encountered this exact situation and was asked a pretty interesting question,

Is the process of getting an ex boyfriend back the same if there is a pretty big age difference between the couple?

Actually, yes the process is pretty much the same. However, there are some differences here and there. Well, this guide is going to be focusing on the overall process of getting your boyfriend back and giving you some insight into how you should handle your age difference.

Men And The Different Stages Of Life

In the introduction to this guide I made a pretty interesting point about age difference.

What was it that I said?

A boy who is 16 years old is going to have a different view of relationships as compared to a man who is 36 years old.

If you want incredible insight into your ex and the age difference between the two of you then it’s probably a good idea to first take a look at the stage of life that your ex is currently in. Now, I mostly deal with women whose boyfriends are in the 20-30 year old range. However, I do realize that there are also a lot of other readers out there whose boyfriends are either younger or older than the “average.”

So, as a result I am going to be taking you through the different phases of life that men go through and how it correlates to their age.

Still a bit confused at what I am trying to accomplish here?

Well, take a look at the graphic below.

As you can see I have divided the phases men go through into four different stages,

  1. The Immature Phase
  2. The Party Phase
  3. The Post Party Phase
  4. The “Ready” Phase

You may have also noticed that I put the ages that correspond with the phases under the titles depicting the phases.

As usual I am going to take a moment (a long moment) to explain what men are thinking during these four different stages.

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The Immature Phase

(16 – 19 Years Old )


Ah, the good ole high school years…

I have always found this phase to be especially interesting because it is at this age that kids start to crave independence and always claim,

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“I already know everything I am supposed to know about life.”

The ironic part is that most kids this age don’t know anything about life.

I mean, take a 16 year old boy who just got his first girlfriend for example.

It’s his first girlfriend so it’s probably the first time he will experience feelings of love and selflessness. Of course, it will also be the first time that he encounters feelings like lust, jealousy and love based anger. Asking someone who is experiencing these very intense feelings for the first time to sustain a long and healthy relationship can be a very tricky task.

Why do you think most high school sweethearts don’t end up together?

It’s because most of the time they are experiencing these very intense emotions for the first time and most don’t know how to handle them properly, they have to practice at it for a little bit.

The best analogy I can think of to describe this phenomenon would be like when you learn a new skill for the first time.


Lets say that you wanted to learn how to dance for the first time.

(Fun Side Note: I realize I am writing on a website full of women who are probably phenomenal dancers but I am a horrible one so just pretend you are me for a second, ok.)

Well, the very first time you try to dance you probably aren’t going to be very good right? However, after some practice you are going to get better and better at it until eventually you grow so confident that you kind of consider yourself an expert.

The same principle applies to dating in a way.

Most people aren’t going to be the best they can be during their very first few relationships. However, after they gain some more experience through dating or watching others in similar situations they learn what it takes to succeed.

What It Means If Your Ex Boyfriend Is In This Age Range

what does it mean

Well, there is good news and bad news if your ex boyfriend is in this age range.

Which do you want first?

(Personally, I always like the bad news first.)

Bad News

The bad news is that your ex boyfriend is in an extremely immature phase of his life. While I am not saying that he can’t change it is unlikely that he will.

So, lets say that you do end up getting your ex boyfriend back. Well, if most of the problems in your past relationship with him was caused by him then it is unlikely that he is going to “fix his act” the second time around.


Because he probably has to experience more in order to learn how he should treat women properly.

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Of course, for every bit of bad news in this phase there is a bit of good news as well.

Good News

The good news is that men in this age range (16 – 19 years old) tend to be more open to a reconciliation.

In other words, you probably won’t have to try as hard if you want to get your man back.

The Party Phase

(20 – 24 Years Old)

party phase

What’s after high school?

College, right?

Now, I know I have a diverse amount of readers from all over the world here so this may not be true for every college but in America there is one thing that we always seem to associate with college…


I mean, just take a look at some of our greatest comedy movies,

Old School

old-school comedy

Old School is about a group of older men (Will Ferrell, Luke Wilson, Vince Vaughn) who go back to college, form fraternity, relive their glory days and essentially have some of the wildest parties ever.



Neighbors is about a young couple who have just had their first child and bought their first house. The problem is that the house that they bought turns out to be right next to a college fraternity that is known for having the wildest parties on campus. Craziness ensues as the couple tries everything they can to get them banned from the neighborhood.

Do You See A Trend Here?

College = Parties.

This means that most young men in that college age range (20 – 24 years old) tend to gravitate towards wild things like parties.

And why not?

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I mean, they are young, immature, it’s fun and no one on their death bed is going to sit there and say,

“I wish I hadn’t went out and had more fun.”

What It Means If Your Ex Boyfriend Is In This Age Range

what does it mean

Here’s the thing.

Men who go out partying every night probably aren’t the best candidates for boyfriend of the year.


I think it’s safe to say that I have a lot of experience in dealing with relationships. I have seen a lot of stuff as a result of this site. You want to know the thing that I have learned about people who have successful relationships?

They don’t go out partying all the time.

Sure, going to a party here and there is always good for spicing things up but for the most part the two people in the relationship are so dedicated to each other that they treat the relationship like its the most precious thing in the world.

Now, I don’t know about you but a guy who goes out partying or clubbing all the time is putting himself in a position where he is going to be hit on by other women, where he may hit on other women, where he can get drunk and make a fool of himself and where he can cheat. The list really goes on and on.

My point is simple, if you are trying to get an ex boyfriend back that is in this “party phase” you may want to take a step back and ask yourself,

“Will I be able to put up with him until this phase ends? Will I be able to trust him if he is out alone or with his friend? Do I want a serious relationship with him or is this just a “phase” for me?”

I believe in doing things in the best manner that you possibly can and if you are going to attempt to get him back when he is in this phase you need to be aware of what you may be getting into with your ex if he is in this phase.

What Your Ex Is Going To Be Like In This Phase

  • He is going to want to go to parties.  (If you do get him back make sure you accompany him to these parties. Make it fun as a couple!)
  • If you are not into parties then that could be an issue if he is. (You may have to adapt and learn to like them.)
  • You need to remember that your ex is still maturing in this phase. (men mature slower than women.)
  • If your ex parties a lot (his whole life revolves around parties) then remember that he is a higher risk than normal of cheating (this is based on what I have seen through this site.)

The Post Party Phase

(25 – 27 Years Old)

so serious

This is really the phase that separates the men from the boys.

You see, after college most men start their careers (or attempt to start their careers.) Well, this is when they try to get more serious about the rest of their life which of course includes relationships. Instead of jumping from girl to girl like they used to do in their party days they begin to take a quality approach as opposed to a quantity one.

Here’s the thing though, there will always be a certain segment of men who refuse to abide by societies rules of getting that 9 to 5 job, a white picket fence, getting married and having a couple of kids.

I like to call these men,

“The Resistant.”

What Are The Resistant?

I want you to picture an older man in his early 50’s in a bar full of college kids. The older gentleman is drinking, hitting on much younger girls and doing everything he can to relive the glory days. In other words, this man never matured past the partying phase of his life. In fact, he is so resistant to this maturing that he will do anything he can to hold on to the way things used to be with all the booze, girls and parties.

The resistant is almost like Peter Pan.

peter pan

You remember how Peter Pan would always say that he never wanted to grown up, right?

Well, the resistant never wants to grow up from his partying phase. He will do anything he possibly can to hold on to that time of his life. In fact, sometimes his need to hold on can become so bad that he will find that he has turned into the creepy old man at a bar hitting on college kids.

Of course, most men in the post party phase don’t hold on to their partying ways. In fact, most men are the opposite of the resistant.

How Most Men Act In The Post Party Phase

What is the age range I set for the post party phase?

25 – 27 years old, right?

This means that most men this age are getting out of college and starting their careers.

In other words, their lives are progressing towards a much more serious path.

They probably want to do well in their careers and have matured enough to take relationships more seriously.

Now, just because they have some more maturity under their belt that doesn’t mean that they still won’t have some more maturing to do. The first few years in the “real world” for a lot of people can be pretty rough. Daily stresses like bills, workplace dramas and any other number of things can pile up and cause men to react in multiple different ways.

Some men will take these issues head on and overcome them while others will hide with alcohol and more parties to make themselves feel better.

My point is simple, the post party phase is really what matures boys into men and that is a really good thing because the majority of men do end up maturing into something special, someone who is ready for a lifelong commitment.

The “Ready” Phase

(28 – 35+ Years Old)

Here’s a fun fact.

Did you know that the average age for a man to get married in the United States is 29 years old?

(It’s 27 for women in case you are wondering.)

By any chance did you happen to see the ages of the “ready” phase?

(28 – 35+)

Do you think that it’s a coincidence that the “ready” phase falls in line perfectly with the average age that a man is ready to get settled down with someone?

It’s not.

So, why is it that during the “ready” phase that a man is looking for a serious commitment?

Why Are Men So Ready During This Phase?

I think a lot of factors have to line up perfectly for a man in order for him to feel like he is ready for a lifelong commitment like marriage.

Off the top of my head here are a few of the most popular factors that have to line up.

  • He has to feel like he has lived his life.
  • No more grass is greener syndrome.
  • A comfortable career.
  • He has to want to either get married or be in a serious relationship.
  • He has to feel like he has found “the one.”

You want more substance about these factors than that?

…. Sigh…

Fine, take a look below :p .

Factor 1- He Has To Feel Like He Has Lived His Life

live my life

What I am about to say is going to be a bit controversial and some of you may not like it but I feel like a lot of men think like this so its important that you know.

Marriage is a beautiful thing.

Essentially you are making a promise to someone that you are going to remain committed to them for the rest of your life. Yes, YOU are making a conscious decision to tell the person you love more than anything that they will be their one and only until death.

Stop and think about that for a second.

Marriage is a promise until death (A very serious promise that shouldn’t ever be taken lightly.)

In order for a man to feel like he is ready to get married he has to feel like he has lived his life because the second he says his vows to you in his mind his life is over in a way.

Now, you may have read that and took it the wrong way so let me expand.

When I say his life is over I am not talking about him going into some marriage jail where you are the jailer. No, I am talking about his past life of parties and flings with women here or there. When he marries you he knows that, that part of his life is over as YOU essentially become his life.

If he feels like he has lived his life and had some fun when he was younger he isn’t going to go into a marriage with any regrets.

Factor 2- No More Grass Is Greener Syndrome


You know what the grass is greener syndrome is right?

For those of you who are too lazy to click on the link I just provided (which I am betting is most of you) the grass is greener syndrome is basically something that men and women can get when they think they can do better than their significant other.

For example, lets pretend for one moment that the two of us are dating. No, lets take things a step further and say that you were the best girlfriend that I have ever had. However, throughout the relationship I couldn’t shake this feeling that I could do a little better than you.

This in essence is what the grass is greener syndrome is, it’s this feeling in the pit of a guys stomach that tells him that he could do just a little bit better than you.

So, this begs an interesting question, for men who have the grass is greener syndrome does it ever go away?

Actually yes!

As men date around or gain more experience they begin to get an idea of what they want in a relationship.

Some men may be super vain and only want women for their physical features. Others may want women for their emotional support. My point is simple, all those phases before the “ready” phase serve a very important purpose, they help men figure out what they want out of a relationship.

During the “ready” phase men have acquired enough experience to understand what they are looking for. Of course, with experience in dating comes knowledge and with knowledge comes the realization that no one is perfect.

All human beings are flawed individuals. The older you get the more you realize this fact.

In essence, the idea that the grass could be greener on the other side fades away and men start to accept women for how they are (flaws and all.)

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Factor 3- A Comfortable Career


Back in caveman days men were looked at as the hunters and women were looked at as the gatherers.

While the human race has become a lot more civilized the principle that men are supposed to be hunters still holds true in a weird way.

You see, most men are taught from a young age that we have to provide. Men have this innate belief that they are the ones that has to support their family. While more women than ever are entering the workforce in order to lend a hand to finances a mans belief that he has to be the one to provide still holds strong.

It’s interesting.

When you run a website about breakups you hear a lot of stories at how things went wrong in relationships. One that springs to mind here are the men that lose their jobs. You see, not only is losing a job stressful because all of a sudden your finances are in shambles but it demasculates a man into believing that he doesn’t have any worth any more because he can’t provide.

If that doesn’t tell you how important “providing” is to a man that I don’t know what will.

The overall point here is simple, between the ages of (28 – 35+) men are starting to settle into their careers and become successful. They are starting to gain some independence financially and probably feel like they can provide for a family. In other words, they start to become “ready.”

Factor 4- He Has To Want To Get Married or Be Serious


I can’t lie to you.

Some men don’t want to get married and don’t want to be in a serious relationship because they haven’t matured enough. I talked a little about this in the post party phase where men want to hold on to their old tendencies and refuse to mature.

In order for a man to be ready for a serious relationship or commitment like marriage he has to want it.

Look, I can only draw upon my own experience here so I am just going to tell you how I feel about serious relationships and commitments like marriage.

Personally, I think they are the greatest thing in the world.

Take marriage for example.

The idea that I could have a family that I could call my own is very appealing to me. In fact, the thought of it can make me emotional at times (and I am not an emotional person.) I mean, I realize that sometimes having a family means you can’t go out and have fun anymore because you have to be fully committed to doing things like raising children and making sure the family unit stays strong. However, despite all that it still appeals to me.

Most men are afraid of families for the simple fact that it is going to be a shell shock going from their exciting single life to their boring family life.

I don’t know though, while I do like excitement and things of that nature I almost feel as if the boring family life is nicer in a strange way.

Boring appeals to me!

So, I imagine that if a guy feels like I do about serious relationships, marriage or starting a family then he would be “ready.”

Factor 5- He Has To Feel Like He’s Found The One

chosen one

Deep in the recesses of every mans mind is an idea of “the one.”

The One- The one person in the world that you are meant to be with. Your perfect match.

In order for a man to feel ready to enter into a serious relationship or commitment like marriage he has to feel like he has found “the one.”

Look, a lifelong commitment like marriage can be a scary prospect since it essentially means that your life is going to be committed to one person until you die (assuming no divorce happens.) Well, that thought can scare the hell out of a lot of men.

Of course, the exception are the men who think they have found “the one.”

All of a sudden, that giant commitment becomes a lot easier.

How are you supposed to know if a man thinks he has found the one?

  • As it turns out there are a few signs you can be on the lookout for,
  • He treats the woman like a goddess (better than anyone has ever treated her in her life.)
  • He never wavers and won’t be afraid to end relationships with close friends who are women if they make his significant other uncomfortable.
  • He allows himself to be vulnerable like he has never been vulnerable before.
  • He is willing to work through almost anything (some exceptions like cheating or bad lies may be too much no matter what though.)
  • He will know in his gut that he has found “the one” and never question that.

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129 thoughts on “What Your Ex Boyfriends Age Can Tell You About Him”

  1. Ava

    August 5, 2017 at 8:20 pm

    We started dating when he was 18 almost 19 and I was 23. I know. I was hesitant because of the age difference too but he was very mature and we got along so well. Things got pretty serious quickly and he was even talking about a serious future together. He broke up with me after a little over a year together and said He was scared and needed time…etc. It’s been two months and he’s cycling through being depressed and partying (which is something he has never been interested in in his life) When he broke up with me he said “as of now I don’t love you” but he said he’s open to trying again in the future. When we talked recently I told him I could no longer hang out with him (he wants to stay friends but always ends up flirting way too heavily and confusing me) because it’s too hard to be be friends with him and that it’s hard to be around him when I love him and he doesn’t. He immediately shouted “I do love you! What makes you think I don’t love you?” And when I reminded him that he said he didn’t he said he just needed some time to realise he did and that he is still open to getting back together in the future but that “his mind is in a bad place” right now and that things will be better when he gets out of his house. (I believe the partying is his way of trying to cope with childhood trauma) When we see each other it’s very obvious to me that he is still very attracted to me and very in love with me and he’s always making sure I’m okay and happy but then he ignores me when he’s gone. Obviously I failed no contact but I’ve started again mainly for the purpose of getting my own emotions in control. I just wish I could understand what happend. He went from being a sweet, mature man to an out of control, mixed signal sending boy and I’m just wondering if I should give up I guess. I care about him so much and this behavior is just so unlike him. Do you think no contact will make him realize that he may lose me for good?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 7, 2017 at 6:48 pm

      It’s not a guarantee because no contact helps increase your chances but only if you genuinely the process right first, if it doesn’t, move on..

  2. Veronica

    July 7, 2017 at 10:39 am

    I feel like I have the deck stacked against me, yet I still really want my ex back after all this time. I think the only thing I have going for me is my stubbornness not to give up. So, my bf and I were together on/off for 9 years. This most recent breakup is because I moved 4 hours away for a great new job, and he refuses to stop getting high. That was 7 months ago. We were still in contact by phone/text/email for about 3 months. During that time he told me he loved me and missed me, and was on dating apps to try and forget me. I was still angry and hurt by his lack of commitment.
    I did NC, and started texting, and asked for his help when I would be in town. He said he wanted to, but not that weekend. We texted only a couple more times. Then I moved too far with the “cover letter” I’m ready to get back together– BIG MISTAKE! Turns out, he started dating someone new at that same time, local, and gets she gets high with him every day. I said I respected that and we could just be friends (which is true, because I’d still want him in my life), but his new gf cut me off. He deactivated his fb, now they have a joint fb page, and blocked me. And he just moved in with her after meeting her 2 months ago! I’m 3 weeks into NC. I’ve already planned the “I’m glad we’re seeing other people, I really just want to be friends now email. Other than moving back and becoming a party girl, what else can I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 9, 2017 at 6:30 pm

      What do you mean by party girl? As in literally? Or it’s just a metaphor? Because we don’t want you to be shallow.. Be a woman of substance while also knowing how to have fun..

  3. Angel

    May 10, 2016 at 6:44 am

    Chris, I almost finish my no contact period but something bothering me. I met him when we were 19, and he loved me soo much. When he was with me I feel like he gave up everything. He didnt talk to any girls n he only had me not even a single friends. he asked me to marry him when we were 22 years old. When he moved to sydney and met other new friends he changed n asked to break up. Now I saw his fb he had fun partying n girls are around. N i feel so dumbed. I didnt know this side of him before. He was a good guy. Now he is being friends with many girls. I think I cant accept that chris. He was really committed to me bef. N i know why he left me coz im being too needy n clingy. I feel like I dont know him anymore. This is not the guy who I used to know. Even I know this is temporary n at one point he will regret living his life like this n loose me. What should I do? My no contact alnost finish.. I still love him.. We never cheated on each other bef. But looking at him liking girls pics kill me already. I love him but it hurts me. Im in the middle of exam n I cant concentrate. I dont know if I have to message him anymore. It kills me.. I need suggestion if its better to let him go. Eventhough I know he used to love me soo much till he changed him self to a new person n i didnt realize that it was his true self. He said almost yes to everything he asked me. N at the end of relationship he said “im sorry I have feeling for you anymore. I dont want to be in relationship for a moment. I feel like everysingle things im doing right now is you re the one who asked me to do not what I want.” N he said he had this feeling long time ago. But 4 months bef he asked me to marry him. This is the first time he had to live by him self with new friends. Bef he always live with his parents. I think this is environtment. But if he has hooked up with girls, I cant forgive him… Pls help

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 10, 2016 at 10:26 am

      Hi Angel,

      yeah, I think it’s because he’s just starting to experience life and be independent..and now, he wants to experience new things.. it’s a grass is greener case..

      You know the truth is, in the positive side, there are two ways that it can go…

      let him ride this phase, we don’t know for how long but during this, continue to improve yourself, so when it’s done, when he misses you, when he checks your profile again, all he sees are good things and he’ll miss you more..


      do no contact.. be active and improving yourself and posting about it, then maybe he’ll realize sooner that he misses you…

      the less positive scenario is that, he moves on to a new girl..

      Check this posts out, it can help you.
      EBR 015: How To Get A Long Distance Boyfriend Back If He Has A New Girlfriend
      The Grass is Greener Syndrome For Ex Boyfriends

  4. Janie

    April 12, 2016 at 8:58 am

    Hey EBR Team,

    I have been on and off this site for the last 3 years (since my ex and I officially broke up). We’ve been through a lot and there have been many many many periods of no contact. The most recent one ended about a month ago after 7 months apart. So now, we’re back together and we’re talking. I think I’m his main girl again and he is my main guy. But, one of the issues that I am facing is that he tells me that a relationship isn’t his main priority, as he is trying to get his life sorted (career wise). He is turning 28 in September.

    I just don’t know how to deal with this explicit conflict of interest. He doesn’t seem to think he can have a girlfriend and concentrate on finding stability at the same time. He says that he can see a future with me, and if he had his way.. He’d be willing to settle down/try for a family; but I’m not sure how to ensure I’m not a distraction whilst at the same time, encourage him to make small commitment steps.

    WELP! Xx

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 13, 2016 at 8:48 pm

      Hi Janie,

      The question is, is it okay with if he doesn’t spend much time physically and talking anymore?

  5. Jax

    April 2, 2016 at 12:25 am

    My ex is 44 and I’m 36. He wasn’t ready for a relationship and we were in and off for the last four years. We are both divorced no kids. A few months ago he said he was ready and I was the one. He dated many women over the past ten years. I felt anxious because he left so many times so I would question him about comments he would make. I guess he saw it as nagging and he broke things off after saying our personality clash. I did the wrong things and tried to beg for another chance and make him understand that it was my behavior due to fear not my personality. He stopped answering my texts and emails. I’m in day 7 of nc. Is there any chance of getting him to see this could be worked on?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 2, 2016 at 2:43 pm

      HI Jax,

      I think so. Keep the nc active and be active in posting it so he will see it.. jUst dont’ caption it relating to him or the break up

  6. Anon

    November 1, 2015 at 9:35 pm

    My boyfriend(30) and I (28)broke up recently, we moved in together quickly because I was in a hostile living environment where I was. He said I was his soul mate and apparently he bought me a ring which I have never seen, he broke up with me a few weeks ago, I am moving out in a week. He still says that he loves me and he acts like we’re together -cuddling, kissing, etc. We even have a pact not to sleep with anyone else. However, he has said that I “ruined relationships for him” he does not want a “relationship” again.
    He says we need to focus on ourselves, neither of us have the career that we want or need right now. I think it might have more to do with him wanting to party.
    I have a job where sometimes I have to work in the AM, he is a night owl and wants to play music until 4am in our bedroom, obviously this does not work. He also likes to go out a lot whereas I’m more into staying at home, cuddling and watching a movie.
    I’m wondering if maybe after I move out and we spend some time apart if he will mature enough so that we can get back together? If so, how long do you think that might be? We were together for 10 months. Aside from us both finding stable careers, what other steps need to be taken in order to achieve this? I’m not even into the whole getting married and having kids things necessarily although I do like the idea of some sort of symbolic ceremony to represent our commitment to each other. I don’t know if you’re into astrology, but he is a Libra and I am a Cancer, if that helps explain anything further, I personally think it does.
    Thanks in advance!

  7. Tania

    September 19, 2015 at 4:53 am

    So my situation is this, me and my ex just broke up about a week ago. He’s 25 years old and i’m 37 years old. We were together for about a year and a half. The majority of the time we were together we were so happy. Despite our age difference we had many things in common. In the last 2/3 months we developed some major trust issues some were legitimate on his part and I think because of the huge age difference between us I started to feel a bit insecure and more jealous. During the time we were together he was very affectionate to me very attentive to me, whenever i needed him he was there. He ended up breaking up with me by telling me that he was frustrated with the fighting, he needed to focus on his career and his future and he wasn’t sure where I fit in at this point. He said I was a very nice person and he wished me well and that no matter what I can I ways count on him to help me. He texted me the day after we broke up and i responded it was mostly just to exchange certain belongings. Two days after we broke up I discovered your website so I decided to begin NC rule with him on the third day he texted my twice to try and return another belonging of mine but of course this time i didn’t respond now we’re going on day 7 and he hasn’t tried texting me at all anymore. Should I be worried or concerned that maybe because of our huge age difference our relationship is really over.

  8. Mira

    September 17, 2015 at 9:04 pm

    Hey Chris,
    My ex has just turned 30 and I am 35. He broke up with me after 3 years 8 months ago. Before that we were about to get a house together. I think he just got scared and dumped me, but he has since cut off all contact, defriended me and started going out a lot with other people. He has refused to talk about the break up and has just told me to move on and get someone else. I have done no contact for months now but I really love him and I know that he loved me. Do you think he will be back?

  9. Denise

    September 13, 2015 at 3:02 am

    I just read your article and have realized my ex boyfriend is not ready for a serious relationship. We are not in speaking terms as he has blocked me from Facebook and his cell phone. How do I go about developing into his best friend and over time when he is ready maximize the opportunity? If this is not the best approach, what do you suggest I do? I am on day 6 of no contact. Also, if you have it in your gut that he is a good fit and he has not seen this, does this mean it was never meant to be? Or does this mean he hasn’t matured to the ready point to see it?

  10. Janalee

    August 31, 2015 at 1:22 am

    He broke up with me not quite 2 months ago–he did the fade away & disappear thing, without ever telling me what was up. When I asked him (yeah, dumb, and before I learned about NC), he said it wasn’t anything I’d done, and have 2 different excuses, one of which is an outright lie (caught him, didn’t confront him). I can’t get him off my mind. I can’t let go, though he’s currently just begun dating someone else. I did fairly well with NC contact until today, so I’m starting over. He hasn’t made any attempt to contact me. I deleted him from FB, and blocked him, and nothing. Is there ANY hope, or should I give up? I’m 40, he’s 45. Please help me to know whether to forget him or start NC over and try for him.

  11. Boni

    August 22, 2015 at 4:34 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I broke up with my ex only because he had withdrawn from the relationship and wasn’t meeting my needs anymore after I’d spoken to him about it countlessly. Turns out he’d wanted to break up with me he just “didn’t have the courage to”. I’ve completed the NC rule for 3 months now, we dated for 5 years (not on/off, like no breaks/breakups at all). He told me that he just wanted to be single and not in any relationship. Would you say that although he is 24, has started his first job, and is technically supposed to be in his post-party phase, that maybe he feels like he can fully be in his party phase now because we dated for so long and focussed on the relationship a lot?

  12. Carla

    August 21, 2015 at 3:41 am

    Hi Chris. Awesome website! I’m 31 and my bf is 40. I dumped him after a 4-month relationship because he was selfish in bed and also never complimented me. He refuses to admit he’s wrong, ever, so while he says he still wants to be with me, he refuses to change any of his behavior. I am going NC but I don’t see the point because he’s simply saying he won’t change anything and denying that he’s done anything wrong. He expects ME to change what I want (orgasms and verbal affection) and “realize what I was throwing away” and come back to him. (Yeah, right!) How can I get him to swallow his pride and agree to change?

    1. Chris Seiter

      August 25, 2015 at 8:52 pm

      It’s very difficult to get someone to change in their 40’s. Usually their bad habits are set by then. The only way he will change is if he wants to and that’s even a stretch. You can try the NC and see if that provokes him to change but remember most changes that are forced usually end up back to normal after a couple of months.

      Thanks for the compliment~

  13. Ja

    August 16, 2015 at 1:44 am

    Hi Chris, do guys break up with the woman whom they think is “the one” if they don’t fulfill other criteria of the “ready” stage? Or are they capable of finding/falling in love with “the one” without being ready?

    1. Chris Seiter

      August 17, 2015 at 9:49 pm

      yes I think someone can fall in love with “the one” without being ready. There are tons of reasons why he wouldn’t be ready but if it’s because of maturity I’d say cut him loose and date other people. If its because of financial then he could just be taking time to try to set up your life together.

  14. Kris

    July 17, 2015 at 7:04 am

    Hi Cris! My bf n i broke up a little over 2 months ago. Had a big fight coz of his drinking problem and he walked out on me n didnt come back til 2 days later. He came back n we talked n he said sorry and things seem okay again til i found out he went to see his ex when he was drunk the day before he came back. I asked if he wants to get back with her n he said no. But he said he feels bad about what he did coz he never thought he would ever cheat on me especially coz he always said im the woman he wants to marry. Now weve broken up he moved out out but still talk almost everyday. He would come over often to see our son n i made a mistake by letting something happen between us a few times tho we’re not together. Something happened again 3 days ago n the next day i decided to start NC he’s texted me 3 times since then. 1st txt was juz a random question. 2nd text was asking how im doing. 3rd text was juz now saying hello. How do i keep doing the NC or should i keep doing the NC even if we have a child together n he’s going to have to come n see our baby anyways? What can you say about his texts?

    1. Kris

      July 17, 2015 at 7:14 am

      He said he needs to fix his self first before he gets into another relationship. I told him before that i want a sober bf. But when he’s over he would juz sometimes hold me tight and wouldnt want to let go. Sometimes he would just come n fall asleep holding me. Now he juz texted me twice again juz saying hello both on text n messenger . Ahhh what should i do.

  15. aimée

    July 15, 2015 at 1:08 pm

    Hi Chris, Should I treat a “cooling off” like a break-up and employ the NC rule?

    1. Aimée

      July 17, 2015 at 4:45 am

      Ok. I get completely the whole NC thing…but. There’s this adventure we had been planning to do together and the opportunity presented itself just now. Should I go ahead and do it without him or wait for the day we can do it together?

    2. Aimée

      July 17, 2015 at 12:24 am

      Taking a break from the relationship. With all the career changes he’s going through, he said he needed time to reflect on how to bring our relationship to the next level (or not?). We still txt, but strictly business (we work together). So, do I employ NC?

    3. Chris Seiter

      July 17, 2015 at 1:48 am


    4. Aimée

      July 16, 2015 at 10:56 pm

      Taking some time-off from the relationship. He pretty much ignores all my txts abt our relationship. Although he still txts, its only in response to something I’ve asked. Since he’s going through some life changes, I figure he needs some time to evaluate how to fit me in since he’s said repeatedly how he wants me long-term. So do I apply nc?

    5. Chris Seiter

      July 15, 2015 at 6:13 pm

      Define “cooling off.”

  16. Marcela

    June 23, 2015 at 9:02 am

    Is there a way I can contact you privately as my situation is complicated? Thank you

    1. Chris Seiter

      June 29, 2015 at 6:32 pm

      Unfortunately I am not doing that right now.

      I will be doing coaching in the future though.

  17. Vee

    June 12, 2015 at 3:32 pm

    I’m on day 5 and I broke up with him.
    I wanted an apology & I wanted him to change but all I got was a bye Felicia.
    I’m “doing me” like he suggested & I’m improving myself in every way possible.
    He’s stubborn so if it takes more than 30 days, I’m not going to much want him back by then I don’t think.
    The man is going to have to make so many changes that I don’t even think it’s possible for him to step up before I have moved on.
    I wish he would come to his senses now rather than be like every other ex in my life- who all realized what they had but by then I was not interested.
    Why does it take men so long to realize what they had & come back?
    Do none of you realize that while you are out there discovering how wonderful I was, so am I?
    And eventually so are other men?
    I will never understand this one….

  18. Jay

    June 8, 2015 at 8:02 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I’m 24 and my bf is 25. Out of the blue he broke up with me claiming he fell out of love, he kept contacting me, and i did give in, however this last month has been a solid month of NC (3 months since initially breaking up). He contacted me, and since NC was over i replied, we talked for a bit, but he admitted he was seeing someone else, but was still in love with me. I read your rebound guide and believe her to be a rebound. He said he wanted to break up because he wanted to party, go out clubbing, dating sites and have one night stands. He said he’s done that now, and is ready to settle down, plan moving in and be serious. He said that he loves me and misses me, and has never stopped thinking about me.

    We stopped talking this week because i don’t think its fair to continue talking when he’s still with the new girl. He said she is moving away to a different country, and finds her difficult to be with (clearly he’s not happy and has grass is greener syndrome). So i’m not going to be too available or interfere. He’s implied he’ll do the right thing and break up with her, though I haven’t got a definite answer and am left wondering till Friday (when she leaves).

    But how genuine is he? I don’t know how serious I can take his claims, considering when we broke up he was seemed certain he didnt love me. My insecurity says he’s just coming back to me because she’s leaving? should i do more NC? or talk to him to slowly build up our trust again? we were together for 2.3 years, and for 2 years completely happy, so i think its worth another shot. Would love to hear your thoughts! I’m a bit stuck for answers.

  19. Christina M.

    June 3, 2015 at 6:02 am

    Hi Chris,

    I’m 29 and my ex is 48, depressed, twice divorce, and has 2 kids (14 and 17, part-time custody). He ended our 2 year relationship about 5 weeks ago (by phone), because he said that he was emotionally/ mentally not present, over stressed, tired and not wanting to do anything. Right now, his ex is not following the parenting plan, which has made my ex very depressed, as all his money goes to food and all his time is spent with his kids. I don’t mind as I love them both. They are really great kids with great heads on their shoulders 🙂 I can’t have kids, so J took them in as my own when we were together.

    I committed 4 to 5 of the sins right after my break-up- I really panic’d. Well I’m really angry based off of a last conversation we had 4 days ago (after 5 days NC and has my property and not by choice). So I am sticking with my guns and going through NC. My question is- am I screwed?

  20. L

    April 19, 2015 at 1:46 pm

    I was in an on again off again relationship for the last 5 years. We met when I was 21 and he was 39- our relationship in the beginning was not one based on love. However, our relationship developed from a partying relationship to a committed relationship after about 2 years. Even after these two years though we were on again off again because I had some emotional trauma from childhood that I was dealing with in an unhealthy manner. Fortunately, I have been able to move beyond my bad habits but have little trust for men, and am not sure I ever will be able to fully trust a man (which sucks because I KNOW there are amazing men out there- it is just engrained in me).

    Anyways, my ex and I were in the middle of one of our break ups when he decided he would move out of state– he had been thinking about taking a 2 year job and is moving back after. I knew about the job but I never thought he would take it. When he first left I applied no contact for 2 and half months. I have seen him a couple times since and we talked regularly on the phone. I felt like while we weren’t in a relationship we were still committed to each other (because we were emotionally there for one another and he took time out of his day to work on communication with me for almost 10 weeks – part of a school assignment). But I have been so down because I ask him if he wants something more right now and he says no because he is in a different state and tells me he does not want me to feel like I am being controlled- because that was one of my ugly habits that I would think he was controlling me (due to my ptsd) and I told him I felt he was sometimes. However, I do not want to be in love with someone who wants to only be my friend.

    For a little over a month I have been so sad when I talk to him, but I don’t tell him because I know nothing is going to change in regards to him wanting to get back together right now. So since no contact has worked in the past for me, I have initiated no contact again as of Monday (it is now Sunday).

    I guess what I am trying to figure out is if 30 days is a long enough no contact? I felt I have dramatically grown in respect to emotional maturity and how I go about communicating. I just don’t know if after the no contact period, if i should even speak at all to him. I still love him and I will forever but I often think I pushed him too far. Should I wait to contact him until he moves back or until i can move there? He has said things to me like, i could always find a job or go to school in the state he is living in.

    The other reason i am doing no contact is because I hate being in love with (what he calls himself now) a friend. :gasp:
    a big part of me just wants to date other guys but it is impossible for me to date another man when I am talking to him because I compare everything they do or say to him- and it is completely unfair to them and me. So i am doing no contact because I would like to take time for myself and eventually start dating again if he does not come around.

    1. Chris Seiter

      April 20, 2015 at 9:28 pm

      I think you are mkaing the right decistion with doing NC.

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