What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back

What Your Ex Boyfriends Age Can Tell You About Him

Have you ever heard that famous quote,

Age is just a number?

Well, in my experience that quote isn’t always accurate. Sure, technically speaking age is just a number. However, when it comes to relationships age is a way in which you can gauge how experienced and mature a partner is.

For example, a boy who is 16 years old is going to have a different view of relationships as compared to a man who is 36 years old.

But what about a couple who has a massive age difference?

I can’t tell you how many times I have encountered a situation where the man is significantly older than the woman and the woman comes to Ex Boyfriend Recovery looking for a way to win her man back.

In fact, about a month ago I encountered this exact situation and was asked a pretty interesting question,

Is the process of getting an ex boyfriend back the same if there is a pretty big age difference between the couple?

Actually, yes the process is pretty much the same. However, there are some differences here and there. Well, this guide is going to be focusing on the overall process of getting your boyfriend back and giving you some insight into how you should handle your age difference.

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Men And The Different Stages Of Life

In the introduction to this guide I made a pretty interesting point about age difference.

What was it that I said?

A boy who is 16 years old is going to have a different view of relationships as compared to a man who is 36 years old.

If you want incredible insight into your ex and the age difference between the two of you then it’s probably a good idea to first take a look at the stage of life that your ex is currently in. Now, I mostly deal with women whose boyfriends are in the 20-30 year old range. However, I do realize that there are also a lot of other readers out there whose boyfriends are either younger or older than the “average.”

So, as a result I am going to be taking you through the different phases of life that men go through and how it correlates to their age.

Still a bit confused at what I am trying to accomplish here?

Well, take a look at the graphic below.

As you can see I have divided the phases men go through into four different stages,

  1. The Immature Phase
  2. The Party Phase
  3. The Post Party Phase
  4. The “Ready” Phase

You may have also noticed that I put the ages that correspond with the phases under the titles depicting the phases.

As usual I am going to take a moment (a long moment) to explain what men are thinking during these four different stages.

The Immature Phase

(16 – 19 Years Old )


Ah, the good ole high school years…

I have always found this phase to be especially interesting because it is at this age that kids start to crave independence and always claim,

“I already know everything I am supposed to know about life.”

The ironic part is that most kids this age don’t know anything about life.

I mean, take a 16 year old boy who just got his first girlfriend for example.

It’s his first girlfriend so it’s probably the first time he will experience feelings of love and selflessness. Of course, it will also be the first time that he encounters feelings like lust, jealousy and love based anger. Asking someone who is experiencing these very intense feelings for the first time to sustain a long and healthy relationship can be a very tricky task.

Why do you think most high school sweethearts don’t end up together?

It’s because most of the time they are experiencing these very intense emotions for the first time and most don’t know how to handle them properly, they have to practice at it for a little bit.

The best analogy I can think of to describe this phenomenon would be like when you learn a new skill for the first time.


Lets say that you wanted to learn how to dance for the first time.

(Fun Side Note: I realize I am writing on a website full of women who are probably phenomenal dancers but I am a horrible one so just pretend you are me for a second, ok.)

Well, the very first time you try to dance you probably aren’t going to be very good right? However, after some practice you are going to get better and better at it until eventually you grow so confident that you kind of consider yourself an expert.

The same principle applies to dating in a way.

Most people aren’t going to be the best they can be during their very first few relationships. However, after they gain some more experience through dating or watching others in similar situations they learn what it takes to succeed.

What It Means If Your Ex Boyfriend Is In This Age Range

what does it mean

Well, there is good news and bad news if your ex boyfriend is in this age range.

Which do you want first?

(Personally, I always like the bad news first.)

Bad News

The bad news is that your ex boyfriend is in an extremely immature phase of his life. While I am not saying that he can’t change it is unlikely that he will.

So, lets say that you do end up getting your ex boyfriend back. Well, if most of the problems in your past relationship with him was caused by him then it is unlikely that he is going to “fix his act” the second time around.


Because he probably has to experience more in order to learn how he should treat women properly.

Of course, for every bit of bad news in this phase there is a bit of good news as well.

Good News

The good news is that men in this age range (16 – 19 years old) tend to be more open to a reconciliation.

In other words, you probably won’t have to try as hard if you want to get your man back.

The Party Phase

(20 – 24 Years Old)

party phase

What’s after high school?

College, right?

Now, I know I have a diverse amount of readers from all over the world here so this may not be true for every college but in America there is one thing that we always seem to associate with college…


I mean, just take a look at some of our greatest comedy movies,

Old School

old-school comedy

Old School is about a group of older men (Will Ferrell, Luke Wilson, Vince Vaughn) who go back to college, form fraternity, relive their glory days and essentially have some of the wildest parties ever.



Neighbors is about a young couple who have just had their first child and bought their first house. The problem is that the house that they bought turns out to be right next to a college fraternity that is known for having the wildest parties on campus. Craziness ensues as the couple tries everything they can to get them banned from the neighborhood.

Do You See A Trend Here?

College = Parties.

This means that most young men in that college age range (20 – 24 years old) tend to gravitate towards wild things like parties.

And why not?

I mean, they are young, immature, it’s fun and no one on their death bed is going to sit there and say,

“I wish I hadn’t went out and had more fun.”

What It Means If Your Ex Boyfriend Is In This Age Range

what does it mean

Here’s the thing.

Men who go out partying every night probably aren’t the best candidates for boyfriend of the year.


I think it’s safe to say that I have a lot of experience in dealing with relationships. I have seen a lot of stuff as a result of this site. You want to know the thing that I have learned about people who have successful relationships?

They don’t go out partying all the time.

Sure, going to a party here and there is always good for spicing things up but for the most part the two people in the relationship are so dedicated to each other that they treat the relationship like its the most precious thing in the world.

Now, I don’t know about you but a guy who goes out partying or clubbing all the time is putting himself in a position where he is going to be hit on by other women, where he may hit on other women, where he can get drunk and make a fool of himself and where he can cheat. The list really goes on and on.

My point is simple, if you are trying to get an ex boyfriend back that is in this “party phase” you may want to take a step back and ask yourself,

“Will I be able to put up with him until this phase ends? Will I be able to trust him if he is out alone or with his friend? Do I want a serious relationship with him or is this just a “phase” for me?”

I believe in doing things in the best manner that you possibly can and if you are going to attempt to get him back when he is in this phase you need to be aware of what you may be getting into with your ex if he is in this phase.

What Your Ex Is Going To Be Like In This Phase

  • He is going to want to go to parties.  (If you do get him back make sure you accompany him to these parties. Make it fun as a couple!)
  • If you are not into parties then that could be an issue if he is. (You may have to adapt and learn to like them.)
  • You need to remember that your ex is still maturing in this phase. (men mature slower than women.)
  • If your ex parties a lot (his whole life revolves around parties) then remember that he is a higher risk than normal of cheating (this is based on what I have seen through this site.)

The Post Party Phase

(25 – 27 Years Old)

so serious

This is really the phase that separates the men from the boys.

You see, after college most men start their careers (or attempt to start their careers.) Well, this is when they try to get more serious about the rest of their life which of course includes relationships. Instead of jumping from girl to girl like they used to do in their party days they begin to take a quality approach as opposed to a quantity one.

Here’s the thing though, there will always be a certain segment of men who refuse to abide by societies rules of getting that 9 to 5 job, a white picket fence, getting married and having a couple of kids.

I like to call these men,

“The Resistant.”

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What Are The Resistant?

I want you to picture an older man in his early 50’s in a bar full of college kids. The older gentleman is drinking, hitting on much younger girls and doing everything he can to relive the glory days. In other words, this man never matured past the partying phase of his life. In fact, he is so resistant to this maturing that he will do anything he can to hold on to the way things used to be with all the booze, girls and parties.

The resistant is almost like Peter Pan.

peter pan

You remember how Peter Pan would always say that he never wanted to grown up, right?

Well, the resistant never wants to grow up from his partying phase. He will do anything he possibly can to hold on to that time of his life. In fact, sometimes his need to hold on can become so bad that he will find that he has turned into the creepy old man at a bar hitting on college kids.

Of course, most men in the post party phase don’t hold on to their partying ways. In fact, most men are the opposite of the resistant.

How Most Men Act In The Post Party Phase

What is the age range I set for the post party phase?

25 – 27 years old, right?

This means that most men this age are getting out of college and starting their careers.

In other words, their lives are progressing towards a much more serious path.

They probably want to do well in their careers and have matured enough to take relationships more seriously.

Now, just because they have some more maturity under their belt that doesn’t mean that they still won’t have some more maturing to do. The first few years in the “real world” for a lot of people can be pretty rough. Daily stresses like bills, workplace dramas and any other number of things can pile up and cause men to react in multiple different ways.

Some men will take these issues head on and overcome them while others will hide with alcohol and more parties to make themselves feel better.

My point is simple, the post party phase is really what matures boys into men and that is a really good thing because the majority of men do end up maturing into something special, someone who is ready for a lifelong commitment.

The “Ready” Phase

(28 – 35+ Years Old)

Here’s a fun fact.

Did you know that the average age for a man to get married in the United States is 29 years old?

(It’s 27 for women in case you are wondering.)

By any chance did you happen to see the ages of the “ready” phase?

(28 – 35+)

Do you think that it’s a coincidence that the “ready” phase falls in line perfectly with the average age that a man is ready to get settled down with someone?

It’s not.

So, why is it that during the “ready” phase that a man is looking for a serious commitment?

Why Are Men So Ready During This Phase?

I think a lot of factors have to line up perfectly for a man in order for him to feel like he is ready for a lifelong commitment like marriage.

Off the top of my head here are a few of the most popular factors that have to line up.

  • He has to feel like he has lived his life.
  • No more grass is greener syndrome.
  • A comfortable career.
  • He has to want to either get married or be in a serious relationship.
  • He has to feel like he has found “the one.”

You want more substance about these factors than that?

…. Sigh…

Fine, take a look below :p .

Factor 1- He Has To Feel Like He Has Lived His Life

live my life

What I am about to say is going to be a bit controversial and some of you may not like it but I feel like a lot of men think like this so its important that you know.

Marriage is a beautiful thing.

Essentially you are making a promise to someone that you are going to remain committed to them for the rest of your life. Yes, YOU are making a conscious decision to tell the person you love more than anything that they will be their one and only until death.

Stop and think about that for a second.

Marriage is a promise until death (A very serious promise that shouldn’t ever be taken lightly.)

In order for a man to feel like he is ready to get married he has to feel like he has lived his life because the second he says his vows to you in his mind his life is over in a way.

Now, you may have read that and took it the wrong way so let me expand.

When I say his life is over I am not talking about him going into some marriage jail where you are the jailer. No, I am talking about his past life of parties and flings with women here or there. When he marries you he knows that, that part of his life is over as YOU essentially become his life.

If he feels like he has lived his life and had some fun when he was younger he isn’t going to go into a marriage with any regrets.

Factor 2- No More Grass Is Greener Syndrome


You know what the grass is greener syndrome is right?

For those of you who are too lazy to click on the link I just provided (which I am betting is most of you) the grass is greener syndrome is basically something that men and women can get when they think they can do better than their significant other.

For example, lets pretend for one moment that the two of us are dating. No, lets take things a step further and say that you were the best girlfriend that I have ever had. However, throughout the relationship I couldn’t shake this feeling that I could do a little better than you.

This in essence is what the grass is greener syndrome is, it’s this feeling in the pit of a guys stomach that tells him that he could do just a little bit better than you.

So, this begs an interesting question, for men who have the grass is greener syndrome does it ever go away?

Actually yes!

As men date around or gain more experience they begin to get an idea of what they want in a relationship.

Some men may be super vain and only want women for their physical features. Others may want women for their emotional support. My point is simple, all those phases before the “ready” phase serve a very important purpose, they help men figure out what they want out of a relationship.

During the “ready” phase men have acquired enough experience to understand what they are looking for. Of course, with experience in dating comes knowledge and with knowledge comes the realization that no one is perfect.

All human beings are flawed individuals. The older you get the more you realize this fact.

In essence, the idea that the grass could be greener on the other side fades away and men start to accept women for how they are (flaws and all.)

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Factor 3- A Comfortable Career


Back in caveman days men were looked at as the hunters and women were looked at as the gatherers.

While the human race has become a lot more civilized the principle that men are supposed to be hunters still holds true in a weird way.

You see, most men are taught from a young age that we have to provide. Men have this innate belief that they are the ones that has to support their family. While more women than ever are entering the workforce in order to lend a hand to finances a mans belief that he has to be the one to provide still holds strong.

It’s interesting.

When you run a website about breakups you hear a lot of stories at how things went wrong in relationships. One that springs to mind here are the men that lose their jobs. You see, not only is losing a job stressful because all of a sudden your finances are in shambles but it demasculates a man into believing that he doesn’t have any worth any more because he can’t provide.

If that doesn’t tell you how important “providing” is to a man that I don’t know what will.

The overall point here is simple, between the ages of (28 – 35+) men are starting to settle into their careers and become successful. They are starting to gain some independence financially and probably feel like they can provide for a family. In other words, they start to become “ready.”

Factor 4- He Has To Want To Get Married or Be Serious


I can’t lie to you.

Some men don’t want to get married and don’t want to be in a serious relationship because they haven’t matured enough. I talked a little about this in the post party phase where men want to hold on to their old tendencies and refuse to mature.

In order for a man to be ready for a serious relationship or commitment like marriage he has to want it.

Look, I can only draw upon my own experience here so I am just going to tell you how I feel about serious relationships and commitments like marriage.

Personally, I think they are the greatest thing in the world.

Take marriage for example.

The idea that I could have a family that I could call my own is very appealing to me. In fact, the thought of it can make me emotional at times (and I am not an emotional person.) I mean, I realize that sometimes having a family means you can’t go out and have fun anymore because you have to be fully committed to doing things like raising children and making sure the family unit stays strong. However, despite all that it still appeals to me.

Most men are afraid of families for the simple fact that it is going to be a shell shock going from their exciting single life to their boring family life.

I don’t know though, while I do like excitement and things of that nature I almost feel as if the boring family life is nicer in a strange way.

Boring appeals to me!

So, I imagine that if a guy feels like I do about serious relationships, marriage or starting a family then he would be “ready.”

Factor 5- He Has To Feel Like He’s Found The One

chosen one

Deep in the recesses of every mans mind is an idea of “the one.”

The One- The one person in the world that you are meant to be with. Your perfect match.

In order for a man to feel ready to enter into a serious relationship or commitment like marriage he has to feel like he has found “the one.”

Look, a lifelong commitment like marriage can be a scary prospect since it essentially means that your life is going to be committed to one person until you die (assuming no divorce happens.) Well, that thought can scare the hell out of a lot of men.

Of course, the exception are the men who think they have found “the one.”

All of a sudden, that giant commitment becomes a lot easier.

How are you supposed to know if a man thinks he has found the one?

  • As it turns out there are a few signs you can be on the lookout for,
  • He treats the woman like a goddess (better than anyone has ever treated her in her life.)
  • He never wavers and won’t be afraid to end relationships with close friends who are women if they make his significant other uncomfortable.
  • He allows himself to be vulnerable like he has never been vulnerable before.
  • He is willing to work through almost anything (some exceptions like cheating or bad lies may be too much no matter what though.)
  • He will know in his gut that he has found “the one” and never question that.



Written by EBR Teamate

Chris Seiter

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129 thoughts on “What Your Ex Boyfriends Age Can Tell You About Him”

  1. Ava

    August 5, 2017 at 8:20 pm

    We started dating when he was 18 almost 19 and I was 23. I know. I was hesitant because of the age difference too but he was very mature and we got along so well. Things got pretty serious quickly and he was even talking about a serious future together. He broke up with me after a little over a year together and said He was scared and needed time…etc. It’s been two months and he’s cycling through being depressed and partying (which is something he has never been interested in in his life) When he broke up with me he said “as of now I don’t love you” but he said he’s open to trying again in the future. When we talked recently I told him I could no longer hang out with him (he wants to stay friends but always ends up flirting way too heavily and confusing me) because it’s too hard to be be friends with him and that it’s hard to be around him when I love him and he doesn’t. He immediately shouted “I do love you! What makes you think I don’t love you?” And when I reminded him that he said he didn’t he said he just needed some time to realise he did and that he is still open to getting back together in the future but that “his mind is in a bad place” right now and that things will be better when he gets out of his house. (I believe the partying is his way of trying to cope with childhood trauma) When we see each other it’s very obvious to me that he is still very attracted to me and very in love with me and he’s always making sure I’m okay and happy but then he ignores me when he’s gone. Obviously I failed no contact but I’ve started again mainly for the purpose of getting my own emotions in control. I just wish I could understand what happend. He went from being a sweet, mature man to an out of control, mixed signal sending boy and I’m just wondering if I should give up I guess. I care about him so much and this behavior is just so unlike him. Do you think no contact will make him realize that he may lose me for good?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 7, 2017 at 6:48 pm

      It’s not a guarantee because no contact helps increase your chances but only if you genuinely change..do the process right first, if it doesn’t, move on..

  2. Veronica

    July 7, 2017 at 10:39 am

    I feel like I have the deck stacked against me, yet I still really want my ex back after all this time. I think the only thing I have going for me is my stubbornness not to give up. So, my bf and I were together on/off for 9 years. This most recent breakup is because I moved 4 hours away for a great new job, and he refuses to stop getting high. That was 7 months ago. We were still in contact by phone/text/email for about 3 months. During that time he told me he loved me and missed me, and was on dating apps to try and forget me. I was still angry and hurt by his lack of commitment.
    I did NC, and started texting, and asked for his help when I would be in town. He said he wanted to, but not that weekend. We texted only a couple more times. Then I moved too far with the “cover letter” I’m ready to get back together– BIG MISTAKE! Turns out, he started dating someone new at that same time, local, and gets she gets high with him every day. I said I respected that and we could just be friends (which is true, because I’d still want him in my life), but his new gf cut me off. He deactivated his fb, now they have a joint fb page, and blocked me. And he just moved in with her after meeting her 2 months ago! I’m 3 weeks into NC. I’ve already planned the “I’m glad we’re seeing other people, I really just want to be friends now email. Other than moving back and becoming a party girl, what else can I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 9, 2017 at 6:30 pm

      What do you mean by party girl? As in literally? Or it’s just a metaphor? Because we don’t want you to be shallow.. Be a woman of substance while also knowing how to have fun..

  3. Angel

    May 10, 2016 at 6:44 am

    Chris, I almost finish my no contact period but something bothering me. I met him when we were 19, and he loved me soo much. When he was with me I feel like he gave up everything. He didnt talk to any girls n he only had me not even a single friends. he asked me to marry him when we were 22 years old. When he moved to sydney and met other new friends he changed n asked to break up. Now I saw his fb he had fun partying n girls are around. N i feel so dumbed. I didnt know this side of him before. He was a good guy. Now he is being friends with many girls. I think I cant accept that chris. He was really committed to me bef. N i know why he left me coz im being too needy n clingy. I feel like I dont know him anymore. This is not the guy who I used to know. Even I know this is temporary n at one point he will regret living his life like this n loose me. What should I do? My no contact alnost finish.. I still love him.. We never cheated on each other bef. But looking at him liking girls pics kill me already. I love him but it hurts me. Im in the middle of exam n I cant concentrate. I dont know if I have to message him anymore. It kills me.. I need suggestion if its better to let him go. Eventhough I know he used to love me soo much till he changed him self to a new person n i didnt realize that it was his true self. He said almost yes to everything he asked me. N at the end of relationship he said “im sorry I have feeling for you anymore. I dont want to be in relationship for a moment. I feel like everysingle things im doing right now is you re the one who asked me to do not what I want.” N he said he had this feeling long time ago. But 4 months bef he asked me to marry him. This is the first time he had to live by him self with new friends. Bef he always live with his parents. I think this is environtment. But if he has hooked up with girls, I cant forgive him… Pls help

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 10, 2016 at 10:26 am

      Hi Angel,

      yeah, I think it’s because he’s just starting to experience life and be independent..and now, he wants to experience new things.. it’s a grass is greener case..

      You know the truth is, in the positive side, there are two ways that it can go…

      let him ride this phase, we don’t know for how long but during this, continue to improve yourself, so when it’s done, when he misses you, when he checks your profile again, all he sees are good things and he’ll miss you more..


      do no contact.. be active and improving yourself and posting about it, then maybe he’ll realize sooner that he misses you…

      the less positive scenario is that, he moves on to a new girl..

      Check this posts out, it can help you.
      EBR 015: How To Get A Long Distance Boyfriend Back If He Has A New Girlfriend
      The Grass is Greener Syndrome For Ex Boyfriends

  4. Janie

    April 12, 2016 at 8:58 am

    Hey EBR Team,

    I have been on and off this site for the last 3 years (since my ex and I officially broke up). We’ve been through a lot and there have been many many many periods of no contact. The most recent one ended about a month ago after 7 months apart. So now, we’re back together and we’re talking. I think I’m his main girl again and he is my main guy. But, one of the issues that I am facing is that he tells me that a relationship isn’t his main priority, as he is trying to get his life sorted (career wise). He is turning 28 in September.

    I just don’t know how to deal with this explicit conflict of interest. He doesn’t seem to think he can have a girlfriend and concentrate on finding stability at the same time. He says that he can see a future with me, and if he had his way.. He’d be willing to settle down/try for a family; but I’m not sure how to ensure I’m not a distraction whilst at the same time, encourage him to make small commitment steps.

    WELP! Xx

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 13, 2016 at 8:48 pm

      Hi Janie,

      The question is, is it okay with if he doesn’t spend much time physically and talking anymore?

  5. Jax

    April 2, 2016 at 12:25 am

    My ex is 44 and I’m 36. He wasn’t ready for a relationship and we were in and off for the last four years. We are both divorced no kids. A few months ago he said he was ready and I was the one. He dated many women over the past ten years. I felt anxious because he left so many times so I would question him about comments he would make. I guess he saw it as nagging and he broke things off after saying our personality clash. I did the wrong things and tried to beg for another chance and make him understand that it was my behavior due to fear not my personality. He stopped answering my texts and emails. I’m in day 7 of nc. Is there any chance of getting him to see this could be worked on?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 2, 2016 at 2:43 pm

      HI Jax,

      I think so. Keep the nc active and be active in posting it so he will see it.. jUst dont’ caption it relating to him or the break up

  6. Anon

    November 1, 2015 at 9:35 pm

    My boyfriend(30) and I (28)broke up recently, we moved in together quickly because I was in a hostile living environment where I was. He said I was his soul mate and apparently he bought me a ring which I have never seen, he broke up with me a few weeks ago, I am moving out in a week. He still says that he loves me and he acts like we’re together -cuddling, kissing, etc. We even have a pact not to sleep with anyone else. However, he has said that I “ruined relationships for him” he does not want a “relationship” again.
    He says we need to focus on ourselves, neither of us have the career that we want or need right now. I think it might have more to do with him wanting to party.
    I have a job where sometimes I have to work in the AM, he is a night owl and wants to play music until 4am in our bedroom, obviously this does not work. He also likes to go out a lot whereas I’m more into staying at home, cuddling and watching a movie.
    I’m wondering if maybe after I move out and we spend some time apart if he will mature enough so that we can get back together? If so, how long do you think that might be? We were together for 10 months. Aside from us both finding stable careers, what other steps need to be taken in order to achieve this? I’m not even into the whole getting married and having kids things necessarily although I do like the idea of some sort of symbolic ceremony to represent our commitment to each other. I don’t know if you’re into astrology, but he is a Libra and I am a Cancer, if that helps explain anything further, I personally think it does.
    Thanks in advance!

  7. Tania

    September 19, 2015 at 4:53 am

    So my situation is this, me and my ex just broke up about a week ago. He’s 25 years old and i’m 37 years old. We were together for about a year and a half. The majority of the time we were together we were so happy. Despite our age difference we had many things in common. In the last 2/3 months we developed some major trust issues some were legitimate on his part and I think because of the huge age difference between us I started to feel a bit insecure and more jealous. During the time we were together he was very affectionate to me very attentive to me, whenever i needed him he was there. He ended up breaking up with me by telling me that he was frustrated with the fighting, he needed to focus on his career and his future and he wasn’t sure where I fit in at this point. He said I was a very nice person and he wished me well and that no matter what I can I ways count on him to help me. He texted me the day after we broke up and i responded it was mostly just to exchange certain belongings. Two days after we broke up I discovered your website so I decided to begin NC rule with him on the third day he texted my twice to try and return another belonging of mine but of course this time i didn’t respond now we’re going on day 7 and he hasn’t tried texting me at all anymore. Should I be worried or concerned that maybe because of our huge age difference our relationship is really over.

  8. Mira

    September 17, 2015 at 9:04 pm

    Hey Chris,
    My ex has just turned 30 and I am 35. He broke up with me after 3 years 8 months ago. Before that we were about to get a house together. I think he just got scared and dumped me, but he has since cut off all contact, defriended me and started going out a lot with other people. He has refused to talk about the break up and has just told me to move on and get someone else. I have done no contact for months now but I really love him and I know that he loved me. Do you think he will be back?

  9. Denise

    September 13, 2015 at 3:02 am

    I just read your article and have realized my ex boyfriend is not ready for a serious relationship. We are not in speaking terms as he has blocked me from Facebook and his cell phone. How do I go about developing into his best friend and over time when he is ready maximize the opportunity? If this is not the best approach, what do you suggest I do? I am on day 6 of no contact. Also, if you have it in your gut that he is a good fit and he has not seen this, does this mean it was never meant to be? Or does this mean he hasn’t matured to the ready point to see it?

  10. Janalee

    August 31, 2015 at 1:22 am

    He broke up with me not quite 2 months ago–he did the fade away & disappear thing, without ever telling me what was up. When I asked him (yeah, dumb, and before I learned about NC), he said it wasn’t anything I’d done, and have 2 different excuses, one of which is an outright lie (caught him, didn’t confront him). I can’t get him off my mind. I can’t let go, though he’s currently just begun dating someone else. I did fairly well with NC contact until today, so I’m starting over. He hasn’t made any attempt to contact me. I deleted him from FB, and blocked him, and nothing. Is there ANY hope, or should I give up? I’m 40, he’s 45. Please help me to know whether to forget him or start NC over and try for him.

  11. Boni

    August 22, 2015 at 4:34 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I broke up with my ex only because he had withdrawn from the relationship and wasn’t meeting my needs anymore after I’d spoken to him about it countlessly. Turns out he’d wanted to break up with me he just “didn’t have the courage to”. I’ve completed the NC rule for 3 months now, we dated for 5 years (not on/off, like no breaks/breakups at all). He told me that he just wanted to be single and not in any relationship. Would you say that although he is 24, has started his first job, and is technically supposed to be in his post-party phase, that maybe he feels like he can fully be in his party phase now because we dated for so long and focussed on the relationship a lot?

  12. Carla

    August 21, 2015 at 3:41 am

    Hi Chris. Awesome website! I’m 31 and my bf is 40. I dumped him after a 4-month relationship because he was selfish in bed and also never complimented me. He refuses to admit he’s wrong, ever, so while he says he still wants to be with me, he refuses to change any of his behavior. I am going NC but I don’t see the point because he’s simply saying he won’t change anything and denying that he’s done anything wrong. He expects ME to change what I want (orgasms and verbal affection) and “realize what I was throwing away” and come back to him. (Yeah, right!) How can I get him to swallow his pride and agree to change?

    1. Chris Seiter

      August 25, 2015 at 8:52 pm

      It’s very difficult to get someone to change in their 40’s. Usually their bad habits are set by then. The only way he will change is if he wants to and that’s even a stretch. You can try the NC and see if that provokes him to change but remember most changes that are forced usually end up back to normal after a couple of months.

      Thanks for the compliment~

  13. Ja

    August 16, 2015 at 1:44 am

    Hi Chris, do guys break up with the woman whom they think is “the one” if they don’t fulfill other criteria of the “ready” stage? Or are they capable of finding/falling in love with “the one” without being ready?

    1. Chris Seiter

      August 17, 2015 at 9:49 pm

      yes I think someone can fall in love with “the one” without being ready. There are tons of reasons why he wouldn’t be ready but if it’s because of maturity I’d say cut him loose and date other people. If its because of financial then he could just be taking time to try to set up your life together.

  14. Kris

    July 17, 2015 at 7:04 am

    Hi Cris! My bf n i broke up a little over 2 months ago. Had a big fight coz of his drinking problem and he walked out on me n didnt come back til 2 days later. He came back n we talked n he said sorry and things seem okay again til i found out he went to see his ex when he was drunk the day before he came back. I asked if he wants to get back with her n he said no. But he said he feels bad about what he did coz he never thought he would ever cheat on me especially coz he always said im the woman he wants to marry. Now weve broken up he moved out out but still talk almost everyday. He would come over often to see our son n i made a mistake by letting something happen between us a few times tho we’re not together. Something happened again 3 days ago n the next day i decided to start NC he’s texted me 3 times since then. 1st txt was juz a random question. 2nd text was asking how im doing. 3rd text was juz now saying hello. How do i keep doing the NC or should i keep doing the NC even if we have a child together n he’s going to have to come n see our baby anyways? What can you say about his texts?

    1. Kris

      July 17, 2015 at 7:14 am

      He said he needs to fix his self first before he gets into another relationship. I told him before that i want a sober bf. But when he’s over he would juz sometimes hold me tight and wouldnt want to let go. Sometimes he would just come n fall asleep holding me. Now he juz texted me twice again juz saying hello both on text n messenger . Ahhh what should i do.

  15. aimée

    July 15, 2015 at 1:08 pm

    Hi Chris, Should I treat a “cooling off” like a break-up and employ the NC rule?

    1. Chris Seiter

      July 15, 2015 at 6:13 pm

      Define “cooling off.”

    2. Aimée

      July 16, 2015 at 10:56 pm

      Taking some time-off from the relationship. He pretty much ignores all my txts abt our relationship. Although he still txts, its only in response to something I’ve asked. Since he’s going through some life changes, I figure he needs some time to evaluate how to fit me in since he’s said repeatedly how he wants me long-term. So do I apply nc?

    3. Aimée

      July 17, 2015 at 12:24 am

      Taking a break from the relationship. With all the career changes he’s going through, he said he needed time to reflect on how to bring our relationship to the next level (or not?). We still txt, but strictly business (we work together). So, do I employ NC?

    4. Chris Seiter

      July 17, 2015 at 1:48 am


    5. Aimée

      July 17, 2015 at 4:45 am

      Ok. I get completely the whole NC thing…but. There’s this adventure we had been planning to do together and the opportunity presented itself just now. Should I go ahead and do it without him or wait for the day we can do it together?

  16. Marcela

    June 23, 2015 at 9:02 am

    Is there a way I can contact you privately as my situation is complicated? Thank you

    1. Chris Seiter

      June 29, 2015 at 6:32 pm

      Unfortunately I am not doing that right now.

      I will be doing coaching in the future though.

  17. Vee

    June 12, 2015 at 3:32 pm

    I’m on day 5 and I broke up with him.
    I wanted an apology & I wanted him to change but all I got was a bye Felicia.
    I’m “doing me” like he suggested & I’m improving myself in every way possible.
    He’s stubborn so if it takes more than 30 days, I’m not going to much want him back by then I don’t think.
    The man is going to have to make so many changes that I don’t even think it’s possible for him to step up before I have moved on.
    I wish he would come to his senses now rather than be like every other ex in my life- who all realized what they had but by then I was not interested.
    Why does it take men so long to realize what they had & come back?
    Do none of you realize that while you are out there discovering how wonderful I was, so am I?
    And eventually so are other men?
    I will never understand this one….

  18. Jay

    June 8, 2015 at 8:02 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I’m 24 and my bf is 25. Out of the blue he broke up with me claiming he fell out of love, he kept contacting me, and i did give in, however this last month has been a solid month of NC (3 months since initially breaking up). He contacted me, and since NC was over i replied, we talked for a bit, but he admitted he was seeing someone else, but was still in love with me. I read your rebound guide and believe her to be a rebound. He said he wanted to break up because he wanted to party, go out clubbing, dating sites and have one night stands. He said he’s done that now, and is ready to settle down, plan moving in and be serious. He said that he loves me and misses me, and has never stopped thinking about me.

    We stopped talking this week because i don’t think its fair to continue talking when he’s still with the new girl. He said she is moving away to a different country, and finds her difficult to be with (clearly he’s not happy and has grass is greener syndrome). So i’m not going to be too available or interfere. He’s implied he’ll do the right thing and break up with her, though I haven’t got a definite answer and am left wondering till Friday (when she leaves).

    But how genuine is he? I don’t know how serious I can take his claims, considering when we broke up he was seemed certain he didnt love me. My insecurity says he’s just coming back to me because she’s leaving? should i do more NC? or talk to him to slowly build up our trust again? we were together for 2.3 years, and for 2 years completely happy, so i think its worth another shot. Would love to hear your thoughts! I’m a bit stuck for answers.

  19. Christina M.

    June 3, 2015 at 6:02 am

    Hi Chris,

    I’m 29 and my ex is 48, depressed, twice divorce, and has 2 kids (14 and 17, part-time custody). He ended our 2 year relationship about 5 weeks ago (by phone), because he said that he was emotionally/ mentally not present, over stressed, tired and not wanting to do anything. Right now, his ex is not following the parenting plan, which has made my ex very depressed, as all his money goes to food and all his time is spent with his kids. I don’t mind as I love them both. They are really great kids with great heads on their shoulders 🙂 I can’t have kids, so J took them in as my own when we were together.

    I committed 4 to 5 of the sins right after my break-up- I really panic’d. Well I’m really angry based off of a last conversation we had 4 days ago (after 5 days NC and has my property and not by choice). So I am sticking with my guns and going through NC. My question is- am I screwed?

  20. L

    April 19, 2015 at 1:46 pm

    I was in an on again off again relationship for the last 5 years. We met when I was 21 and he was 39- our relationship in the beginning was not one based on love. However, our relationship developed from a partying relationship to a committed relationship after about 2 years. Even after these two years though we were on again off again because I had some emotional trauma from childhood that I was dealing with in an unhealthy manner. Fortunately, I have been able to move beyond my bad habits but have little trust for men, and am not sure I ever will be able to fully trust a man (which sucks because I KNOW there are amazing men out there- it is just engrained in me).

    Anyways, my ex and I were in the middle of one of our break ups when he decided he would move out of state– he had been thinking about taking a 2 year job and is moving back after. I knew about the job but I never thought he would take it. When he first left I applied no contact for 2 and half months. I have seen him a couple times since and we talked regularly on the phone. I felt like while we weren’t in a relationship we were still committed to each other (because we were emotionally there for one another and he took time out of his day to work on communication with me for almost 10 weeks – part of a school assignment). But I have been so down because I ask him if he wants something more right now and he says no because he is in a different state and tells me he does not want me to feel like I am being controlled- because that was one of my ugly habits that I would think he was controlling me (due to my ptsd) and I told him I felt he was sometimes. However, I do not want to be in love with someone who wants to only be my friend.

    For a little over a month I have been so sad when I talk to him, but I don’t tell him because I know nothing is going to change in regards to him wanting to get back together right now. So since no contact has worked in the past for me, I have initiated no contact again as of Monday (it is now Sunday).

    I guess what I am trying to figure out is if 30 days is a long enough no contact? I felt I have dramatically grown in respect to emotional maturity and how I go about communicating. I just don’t know if after the no contact period, if i should even speak at all to him. I still love him and I will forever but I often think I pushed him too far. Should I wait to contact him until he moves back or until i can move there? He has said things to me like, i could always find a job or go to school in the state he is living in.

    The other reason i am doing no contact is because I hate being in love with (what he calls himself now) a friend. :gasp:
    a big part of me just wants to date other guys but it is impossible for me to date another man when I am talking to him because I compare everything they do or say to him- and it is completely unfair to them and me. So i am doing no contact because I would like to take time for myself and eventually start dating again if he does not come around.

    1. Chris Seiter

      April 20, 2015 at 9:28 pm

      I think you are mkaing the right decistion with doing NC.

  21. Brandy

    April 10, 2015 at 12:55 pm

    Hello Chris

    I’m hurting right now and could use some advice. Me and my ex were together for 13 months. He has always hated me drinking and I have become way more settled now than I have ever in my life. We went away about a month ago and I got drunk and when we came back he asked me to give up drinking for the rest of my life. I told him I would but then realized that it was unrealistic to promise that. He told me it was over because I couldn’t commit to that so I left, I waited for him to contact me after three days, he asked me how I was feeling and then I just said I’m sorry, I miss you and I will do as you wish, you win, I quit! . He wasn’t really reply back to me, then he messaged me saying he needs to focus on school and work, he just started a new job and is studying after work for school. So I went to get my things and ended up staying the night asking him if we were ok he just said we need a break and I told him I loved him and he said I love you too. The next day I asked him if we are ok, he says we need to take a break and we will see. I know he cares about me but he’s being so distant . What do I do ? I miss him so much I am willing to quit drinking forever and he knows that.

  22. Brandy

    April 10, 2015 at 12:54 pm

    Hi chris do you still reply on here or do you have another page ?

    1. Chris Seiter

      April 16, 2015 at 4:38 pm

      I still reply here.

  23. sabrina

    February 8, 2015 at 8:53 pm

    hi there,
    my ex is 28. the problem is he has no job and no idea what to do with himself. i think in part it contributed to breaking up with me, even though he told me he doesn’t love me or miss me and tat’s why he’s breaking up with me… ( the night before it was a different story… i’m confused and don’t know what i want in life an don’t want to drag you into the rabbit hope as it were…). if the real reason is confusion are my chances to get him back better or worse? i’m so confused… don’t understand if that the case and he loves me why not work through it together?? we were together fo almost 2 years. we’ve been though a lot f changes…
    any incite??

    1. admin

      February 9, 2015 at 4:47 pm

      Have you done NC yet?

    2. sabrina

      February 10, 2015 at 7:17 am

      i held my ground for 3 weeks. broke and texted him. he was cold and distant with his replies. it seemed that he had allready written me off as history…

  24. Rachel

    February 2, 2015 at 1:00 am

    Can someone feel like they haven’t found “the one” and then eventually change their mind?

    1. admin

      February 2, 2015 at 2:34 pm

      Yes, happens all the time.

  25. bewildered

    January 30, 2015 at 7:14 pm

    I’m not sure if this is the right place for this, but I need to vent/ask the internet….I’m in day 5 of NC after my boyfriend broke up with me. We were together for 7 months, 4 months of which I was pregnant. After I had a miscarriage he started to pull away. We had some strong conversations – never a fight per se – after which he would give me the silent treatment and I acted….clingy and needy, calling and texting then realizing it wouldn’t work and gave him some time and then he eventually called. The third time this happened I did stop calling, but I texted him once a day: pep talks (for his new job), things that I thought he would find funny (I know! I know! still needy and gnat-ty). Finally last Saturday he sent me an email to breakup, this is what he wrote (I’ll note that I hadn’t called him in 2 weeks):

    I am sorry that I am not interested in continuing a relationship with you. I wish I knew a way to put it more tenderly, but deference is not my strength. The relentless texting, calling, and gifting must stop. I have repeatedly told you this. Don’t lie. It is disrespectful. Unfortunately I do not think we can be friends either. I find your behavior offensive, and I feel my only course of action is end all communication and all contact.

    Is there any chance for us? Has anyone been able to recover from this level of antagonism?

    1. bewildered

      January 30, 2015 at 7:37 pm

      also, the reason I posted it here, he’s 40

    2. bewildered

      January 31, 2015 at 3:43 pm

      one more thing to add: I haven’t tried to contact him since the day he sent me the email, but I did reply to that email by text that day to tell him he was a jerk (yes, mature) and he has read notifications on so I could see that he read it. So, he didn’t block me (phone or text) and we’re still Facebook friends (he didn’t unfriend me). And no, I haven’t messaged him on Facebook or otherwise acknowledged his existence.

    3. admin

      January 31, 2015 at 3:45 pm

      Good news!

      You came to the right place.

      Sorry abou tthe breakup.

      Was there an age difference or something with you and him?

    4. bewildered

      January 31, 2015 at 9:56 pm

      no – I’m 37; the pregnancy was an accident but he told me he was ready to settle down. After the miscarriage I was really freaked out and I think that freaked him out and he started to pull away….then it was just this vicious cycle of me being needy and him getting more and more distant over the course of 3 months. Even with only 6 days of NC I can look at my texting and see it was over the top (don’t worry, I’ll stick to 30 days), and I’m so disgusted with myself. I’m worried that it isn’t something he will forgive me for and I hate that he things so poorly of me (my “offensive behavior”). ugh

    5. admin

      February 2, 2015 at 1:47 pm

      How over the top are we talking here?

    6. bewildered

      February 2, 2015 at 3:36 pm

      1-2 texts a day (without replies), no begging or pleading. reminders that I believe in him to be able to be able to make his business work, a couple unanswered questions (about insurance that he said he would send me earlier), and a couple saying that I was okay with him taking as much space as he wanted (which was why I wasn’t calling). looking back on them now, it was like I was having a conversation with myself – so I feel like it was a little cray-cray. I hate read notifications – I could see that he was reading them so I kept writing….

    7. bewildered

      February 5, 2015 at 12:09 am

      how over the top is what I described? I’m almost two weeks in, and he hasn’t tried to contact me, do you think based on his email he will forgive/forget?

    8. admin

      February 5, 2015 at 3:26 pm

      I think he will forgive but I don’t think he will forget…

      No one really forgets to be honest.

  26. Jane

    October 1, 2014 at 3:37 pm

    All he does is party. He is apparently dating some new girl, and im pretty sure she is a rebound. 1) because he didn’t even break up with me just cheated and started to ignore me and 2) all he does is go out to drink and party, with her and without her. He has technically cheated on her with me and then also on multiple others. We never drank or went to parties ever, the rare occasion, we thought it was pointless. Oh does it change the fact im pregnant and due in a month. My question is why is he just partying, and then that all they do?

    1. admin

      October 3, 2014 at 1:58 pm

      Wait, your pregnant with his child??? And all he wants to do is party???

    2. Jane

      October 4, 2014 at 2:27 pm

      He’s also in university and ignoring me for two months now, hanging out with this girl (supposedly dating but cheating on her with others, and apparently he was cheating on me with her and her with me.)but constantly partying, and talking badly about me. I don’t know why he is lying about me, and also partying non stop with this girl, and others. I don’t know what I can do, besides no contact but I honestly don’t think that will help anything?

    3. Jane

      October 4, 2014 at 2:29 pm

      pretty much my question was/is why is he partying non stop and ignoring me while im preganant, rather then to work things out and figure everything out (im due in a month) and to why he is lying and speaking badly of me and sleeping around.

      we are also in our early 20’s

    4. admin

      October 6, 2014 at 11:57 am

      He is probably afraid that his life is going to be over once the baby comes…

    5. admin

      October 6, 2014 at 11:57 am

      And you want this person back because???

    6. Jane

      October 18, 2014 at 3:00 pm

      Which is also why he completely ignores me like I don’t exists? Will that ever stop?
      No contact doesn’t work since its been two months and he hasn’t said a word to me.

    7. meriem

      October 5, 2014 at 11:19 am

      hi chris it’s me again about this guid my ex is 27 he was talking about our future together but the few last months he got a new job so for 6 months they didn’t pay him so he is without money literally because the last time we saw each other i payed fo lunch because he hadn’t any money.so he told me i’m lost and i can hold you now because i don’t know where i’m going it’s not clear for him when he will be ready to get married so he broke up with me and started playing around.my question is what do you think is it real that his situation is the reason that made him broke up with me or he just isn’t ready to commit to meso he made that up!!!!!!

  27. B.

    September 18, 2014 at 7:05 pm

    Hey Chris! I got a random question.

    Is it easier to get back an ex who may not have as many options when it comes to women?

    The way I see it is a guy who can get any girl he wants may not be in a hurry to go back to a girl. Where as a guy who may not be the best with women (socially awkward, not as attractive. etc.) probably will be more open to getting back together. I’ve dated gorgeous men and uh less gorgeous men and I have found the better looking they are the less often they came back. I’d probably say 7/10 relationships I’ve had they came back. Whether it took them a week or 2 years most came back.

    Maybe you can write an article about it.

    1. admin

      September 29, 2014 at 12:43 pm

      I would say yes, it is probably easier to get someone back like that.

  28. Artemis

    September 10, 2014 at 11:23 pm

    Its been 6 months and its me again! I had a wonderful relationship traveling the world for a year with my now ex, aged 25, (I’m 26). I now am settled in a town near him because of work. I made the mistake of text messaging him a month ago saying I still loved him and missed him. He replied that it had been 6 months and that he couldn’t “be a part of my life” until I was completely over him. Our breakup 6 months ago was sudden, unexpected and we still loved each other. But he absolutely wants nothing to do with me now. I don’t understand his complete 180 of being “in love” with me, to not wanting any form of communication. I tried to do NC for 30 days but at the end of it I may have texted him that I missed him… Obviously I got no reply as that was a bit too strong. I’ve become the ungettable girl, I have plenty of guys who want to date me but I’m still stuck on my ex. Give up or give NC another go?

  29. A

    September 3, 2014 at 2:22 am

    Hi, Chris! I’ve actually never been more confused in my life:

    I’ve been reading your guides for a while since my bf of 5 years dumped me in October for no describable reason. I’ve pretty much been in NC since February because every time I tried to ask questions about why the hell he broke up with me he acted like I was stabbing him. I think it was because we were getting ready to move in together and he panicked.

    Somehow despite all of this it was really hard because I felt that he was not only my best friend, but my soulmate because of how deeply we connected, and how we had the same values and wanted the same things in life. Dating other people only solidified this belief, and made me sadder because I couldn’t talk to him. Even though I wanted him back I didn’t try because even after months of NC if I contacted him he treated me with this intense suspicion, like he thought if he allowed it I would somehow trick him into being my bf again. It was strange because he contacted me and showed up at my house whenever he wanted, and I didn’t like that, so a few months ago I finally told him I never want you to contact me again, and I will never contact you. And that’s how it was even though I missed him.

    So, I’d given up on him, and actually had an existential crisis because I KNEW he was my soulmate, and that meant at age 30 I’d resigned myself to settling for either being alone or being with someone I didn’t connect with or deeply love and understand. This was like a big deal that lasted for weeks and made me extremely depressed. I almost lost my faith in everything, and then one night I decided to pray about finding love one last time and then let go of any effort on my own part. So I did, and I finally felt a sense of peace and happiness again.

    Within days I was checking Missed Connections, because they’re hilarious, and I’m obsessed with them, but not in any serious way, and I saw that he’d written one for me. It said he loved me, missed me, regretted breaking up with me, was sorry for the pain he put me through, was sorry that he lost his best friend, that his soul was scared, that the city felt empty without me, and that he was having a hard time trying to keep from contacting me. So that’s a VERY strange situation because I kind of feel like that’s pretty much ALMOST everything someone in my situation would want to hear. I didn’t know how to respond because the only thing he didn’t say was that he wanted me back, and I didn’t even want to allow my brain to go there. After a couple of days I called him, and I was like, “so what was that about?” and he just said his life truly sucked without me, but he didn’t want to toy with my emotions. And I was like, “oh yeah, I miss you too,” and then we talked for a couple of hours like old times.

    So, we’ve talked a few times since then, but he’s not making any effort to reach out or move things forward, and I’m afraid if I ask, “did you want to get back together,” that he’ll panic and retreat, or act like I’m trying to trick or manipulate him, but it’s been 10 days since I read that message, and I thought I’d have clarity if I was patient, but every day I’m only more confused. I’ve been reading your guides, but I can’t find anything that explains how to handle this situation.

    Should I bring it up or ask him? Or just give up?

    1. A

      September 3, 2014 at 2:36 am

      Just read this guide in more detail. He’s 31, and he broke up with me after months of financial instability during a career transition. He was desperately seeking a comfortable career. He’s doing better, but he’s not where he wants to be, comfort-wise his career is still unpredictable. But he thinks I’m the One. So I don’t know where that leaves me. SOL?

    2. admin

      September 3, 2014 at 3:42 pm

      I think he wants you back… His actions are clear about that.

    3. A

      September 5, 2014 at 3:15 am

      As usual, you are the best, Chris! Thanks for your quick reply.

    4. admin

      September 5, 2014 at 12:37 pm

      No problem!

      Anything else?

    5. A

      September 7, 2014 at 10:23 am

      You are awesome. Thanks for asking! Here’s an update:

      Friday, he texted me incessantly to find out if I’d heard about a job I’d interviewed for – an interview that he apparently got me. I didn’t find out until after my 1st interview, which was a surprising revelation from the HR manager considering that we hadn’t spoken for months at the point. After MUCH anticipation I was told I won’t find until next week. He found out I was unwinding at the park and volunteered to come up. He found out that he did not get a job he’d interviewed for earlier, and we were discussing how taxing the search can be, and I put my head on his shoulder, and he put his arm around me.

      I ended up telling him about how I was a badass in Krav Maga, and he somehow persuaded me to come to his house to try his punching bag. But I realized I was going because I wanted to be with him, not because I felt like boxing, and I didn’t want to follow him around like in the past, so I told him I didn’t really want to go and I went home.

      Saturday, I spent the day reassessing my life and trying to figure out what I was going to do if I didn’t get the job. At the park we’d both talked about how we wanted to move to a new city and start over and how we had the same career goals. Given that conversation and what he said in message about still loving me I needed to know if he was thinking about doing that together or separately, so I called him and just very casually said what I just told you. I didn’t think I was too invested in his answer because I’ve been planning my life without him for a long time, but when he said, “I’m in love with you, and I’ll always love you, and I want to be here for you, and I won’t push you away or read into things when you put your head on my shoulder, but no, I can’t be the person you need me to be.” Well, that felt like… there are no words… but I played it cool on the phone, and I didn’t try to reinterpret or convince him otherwise.

      He’s not in a good place with his career, and I think he needs the freedom to pursue, live, and travel wherever, and not feel like he has to worry about taking care of me or miss opportunities. I understand that, but I’m beyond devastated. I’m honestly surprised by my reaction because I didn’t think I even cared.

      He texted me NON-STOP after we had our talk about my linkedin profile (which I did not ask him about), and 1-second after he said he had to stop texting me and get back to work he called me and talked to me about job hunting for an hour. I kind think he feels guilty about not being able to be who I need him to be, so he’s trying to help me move my life forward in some other way. My career is my priority and I look forward to it, but I guess I wanted to share my journey with him.

      He’s always been my best friend, and he’s the only friend I have who understands me, cares about what’s happening day-to-day, and is supportive, so it’s hard for me to lose that again since I just got it back, but his answer was pretty clear. Do you think I should cut off contact and finally let go?

  30. Clarissa

    September 2, 2014 at 10:34 am

    Here’s a simple question.

    How come my ex still tells me he loves me and cares about me but doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me? Yet every time we talk he only has good, positive things to say.

    1. admin

      September 2, 2014 at 2:31 pm

      Because he doesn’t want to hurt your feellings most likely but the fact the he is positive is a good sign.

  31. Mashrura Chowdhury

    September 1, 2014 at 8:54 pm

    Hi Chris,

    My names Mashrura. My boyfriend and I have broken up on August 6 and he decided on the no contact rule-he doesn’t want any virtual conection with me but if we bump into eachother we shall say hi. I have broken the no contact rule and talked to him on many occassions and have met him once then had to restart the NC rule all over again and its extremely hard not being able to contact him. Hes blocked me on Facebook and instagram and shall unblock me when he has forgotten his feelings for him. He gave me a condition for his return- if I change and he thinks and Im worthy and hes not with someone else, he shall take me back but due to our issues during the relationship, he wont be able to trust me. Hes all the way in Canada (he recently left for college) while im here in Bangladesh waiting to go off to college soon. Since hes in Canada, he has changed his number, and i dont know how to contact him other than using the app snapchat. This is very diffult for me, because i truly love him and want him to understand that im extremly sorry and im waiting for him. I do want him to come back, remember what we had once but hes very stubborn and hes mindset on forgetting me. I really need to know, how to win him back and change his mind towards all this. What should I do? Thank you

    1. admin

      September 2, 2014 at 1:46 pm

      Well, the no contact rule is a great place to start.

    2. Mashrura Chowdhury

      September 2, 2014 at 3:41 pm

      Well how long shall the no contact rule go on for? One time or another shouldn’t we try communicating and start mending the broken bridges and get back together? Im very confused right now about all this. I really am trying to win him back since I believe we truly love eachother but we need a time off to realize that and go on with other important things. What else can I do for him to realize he still loves me and im the one for him. I also want him to feel attracted to me again and see a change. Is it possible to make him see me differently and come back?

    3. admin

      September 3, 2014 at 2:32 pm

      21 days -30 days depending on your situation.

  32. Joanna

    August 30, 2014 at 5:29 am

    It’s apparent that my ex and I have strong chemistry. We spend a lot of time together. He kisses my cheeks and hugs me a lot. He does everything for me that one would do in a relationship except for making out etc and is extremely sweet. But he says that we are friends. Maybe we need some space. It’s been three months since the breakup (he left me).
    I didn’t contact him at all for the first month. I dont understand where he is going with this. He’s probably confused himself. So the question is, which move to play next?

    1. Joanna

      August 31, 2014 at 12:09 am

      Today he asked me to move on because all that happened was in the past and we need to focus on new beginnings and people and that relationships aren’t on his priority list anymore. I feel crumbled..

    2. admin

      September 2, 2014 at 12:18 pm

      Yep you hit the nail right on the head, more space might be great for you.

  33. Brittany

    August 28, 2014 at 1:58 pm

    Hi Chris,
    My ex boyfriend is 27. We only knew each other for 3 months and we dated for 2 of those months. This month he just started a new job and he is also coaching so he works about 14 hour days Monday-Friday, plus he plays basketball for fun in his free time. Well when he broke up with me he said it was because he did not have the time for a committed relationship and that he basically wanted to be alone. He said that he wants to be friends and that we can still hang out. And I don’t remember if I asked him this but he said that if his schedule gets better or something like that, that maybe we can try it again later. I texted him the day after we broke up basically saying that I was sad and missed him and how I wasn’t going to text him again unless i heard from him. I told him to text me when he wants a relationship with me and that I don’t want to be toyed with. If he is not interested with me to please let me know bc as much as it would hurt id rather deal with it now instead of sitting here hoping and waiting for something to happen that you don’t want. I need to know if this is truly just a break or if this is the end . I am really hoping you want a relationship with me down the road, but if you don’t think you will please let me know. Well his respond to that text was Hi. I think we can have a relationship in the future. I am not leading you on.
    So i guess my question is what should I make of this? Should I believe him since I gave him a way out in that text?

    1. Brittany

      August 28, 2014 at 2:06 pm

      Oh and the day he broke up with me i texted him saying would you say this a break or are we just done? and his response was would you like to call it a break? and I said yes I would like to call it a break and he said ok.
      I am not really sure what to think of the whole situation. I don’t know if he is just trying to be nice or if he really means what he is saying bc he said this the day before I sent him the long text about how if he isn’t interested or doesn’t want a relationship with me down the road to let me know.

    2. admin

      August 29, 2014 at 11:47 am

      Did he seem sad/upset to be going on a break?

  34. Joanna

    August 21, 2014 at 11:30 am

    He says he loves me but he doesn’t do enough to make the relationship work. My question is, under what circumstances is it advisable to go into no contact again?

    1. admin

      August 25, 2014 at 11:58 am

      I think now would be ideal!

  35. Missing him

    August 21, 2014 at 1:42 am

    Hey Chris!
    Great article!! So on my other comment you told me the other girl he was looking at was the ” ungettable girl” and you are probably right. But how do I come over her in that? Is there a way? Well the other day my ex favorited a tweet saying ” isn’t it weird that some up at two am missing someone and there’s other people asleep with no idea there being missed” this through me of a bit cause I didn’t know if it were about me or not.

    he also favorited another tweet saying
    ” if a person wants to be apart of your life, they would make an obvious effort to do so. Think twice before reserving a space in your heart for people who don’t make an effort to stay.”

    Ya I’ve got to admit he does have a point. But is all of this towards me? Is it me that he misses? Am I the person he isn’t reserving a place for? I don’t know where to go from here.. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t like him. I don’t he has openly said to her oh I like you. Every thing runs through my mind all day but I don’t know what to do. Every picture, status, quote he favorites really kills me inside because it leaves me wondering. We dated for 3 years and have been broken up for 10 months

    1. admin

      August 25, 2014 at 11:58 am

      You mean overcome?

      Well, you probably have to become more of an ungettable girl than her. Therefore you are the more attractive option.

    2. Missing him

      September 1, 2014 at 8:38 pm

      How can I become that over her? And I have found out that they have the same lake house next to each other and they hang out a lot what can u do with this? Does he even remember me?

    3. admin

      September 2, 2014 at 1:35 pm

      Of course he remembers you. Why do you think he doesn’t?

    4. Missing him

      September 4, 2014 at 3:28 am

      It just feels as if he doesn’t want anything to do with me. It’s really heart breaking and I just figured out a few days ago we will be having a few classes together in school. I just feel like he is really over me..:( and not going to lie I was sorta excited to have him in a few of my classes but I really don’t know. I was excited because maybe something would change between us because we haven’t spoken to each other in about 11 months. Do you have any advice about reatraction?
      Thanks for all your help Chris!!

  36. ABrokenGirl

    August 18, 2014 at 8:08 pm

    hey Chris,
    my ex is 17 years. we broke up since 3 months but he’s so stubberned to get back. I tried everything didn’t beg except once though in a time I thought it was ready to beg 😉 tried no contact, even recently I tried to test him by blaming him for hanging a lot with an other girl though I know she doesn’t have feeling for him, I think nor does he lol. but when I act upset of him without yelling or anything he explained himself and he asked me why do I think this, and he cared if I am still upset or no. only reason for the break up was that he lost interest and ah he said it’s a final decision..:(
    when I begged for him he said sorry I can’t take you back even if I want. because I feel I won’t be commited and I never want to dump you again.
    please help I still love him a lot think he does too.
    what should I exactly do now?
    and do you think he’ll ever change his word? or it doesn’t worth to try more.
    any answer would be appreciated, thanks a lot for your work! 🙂

    1. admin

      August 19, 2014 at 2:26 pm

      17 years old eh. I think you are being too available for him. Thats your issue.

    2. ABrokenGirl

      August 19, 2014 at 7:05 pm

      oh thanks for the fast reply, yes I think you are totally right, but what should I do to don’t be to available for him? can you please give an advice for this or if you get time to write a topic about how to act with EX’s who are so stubberned to get back after regaining there trust and renewing there feelings?

    3. ABrokenGirl

      August 21, 2014 at 11:43 pm

      hello Chris, it’s me again, wanted to update something.
      I think I made a big mistake:( a guy asked me out he treats me real good I think both of us doesn’t take the relation seriously though and I explained to him everything about my ex before the relation. but now I don’t feel so good being with someone else, should I end it or what? and about my ex I am not sure if he got angry, but he made a joke “no I wouldn’t eat you anymore” because we used to always have a joke “I’ll eat you” (cuz im short and fit haha) well anyways my questions are:
      1. should I end this relationship now?
      2. did I now ruined all my chances to get hmy ex back? and what should I do and behave?
      please help Chris this became so hard… thanks

    4. admin

      August 25, 2014 at 11:22 am

      Well, I have learned that it takes incredible discipline and you have to put yourself in his shoes a lot.

  37. Kelly

    August 18, 2014 at 6:40 pm

    I have been meeting men that are in there late 40s and 50s that want a younger (much younger) girl..midlife crisis time…. Hollywood sucks. .they tell u whats pretty, want to eat, how to dress,&so on! Why are men at this age wanting younger girls or Hollywood beautiful. Im 45 and attractive not perfect body wise (but working on it).but I want a man to realize we get older. We cant stay pretty. Alot say” I want to date but nothung serious.” They wont even get to know you or spend quality time. So I quit looking but younger ones want me but im no cougar. And my kids are grown so I look for alittle older so I dont have to deal with kids. Im a grandma now..lol..wish men can be realistic.

    1. admin

      August 19, 2014 at 2:22 pm

      Probably the midlife crisis type of deal. They are growing bored of their marriage maybe…

      They know they can control someone who is younger maybe.

  38. Kristen

    August 17, 2014 at 5:27 pm

    Great article here! I really like this one, especially for the comfortable career part. My ex broke up with me after a time when he quit a job that was too stressful for him. He was jobless for a few months and then got a new job that was still stressful but nothing like the previous job he had. He moved in with some friends around this time and his financial situation wasn’t the greatest at the time when he broke up with me. I can’t be too sure exactly, but part of me thinks that this is the reason that he broke up with me. He would tell me he is going to marry me some day, he wanted to buy a house together, and he wanted to have kids with me someday. I can’t help but wonder to this day if the reason he broke it off was because he was uncomfortable with his career and financial situation. This could very well be a reason to break off a relationship after a year, no?

    1. admin

      August 18, 2014 at 1:00 pm

      It could be… There is probalby more to it than that but I feel this could be a contributing reason.

  39. Lia

    August 16, 2014 at 3:50 am

    Hi Chris, I must say I have learned much about male psychology from your blog. So thank you!

    My ex and I were in a long distance relationship, then he broke it off because he couldn’t trust me (he has trust issues as he was cheated on in his previous relationship). I had tried to talk to him but he always ignored me. So I eventually went into no contact with him. 2 weeks later, I updated a profile pic with a kid on whatsapp. Then he messaged me angrily saying that I have found a guy who has a kid! I didn’t respond because he was so angry. But when I messaged him back after a week to tell him I have not found another man, he was very angry because I ignored him by not responding before….and then he has blocked me on whatsapp. I mean, he was the one to walk away and ignore me for weeks, then he suddenly appeared and got mad that I didn’t respond immediately to his delusional remarks. Why is acting like this??

    1. admin

      August 18, 2014 at 12:49 pm

      What spawned his trust issues? Like what caused him to have them?

    2. Sam

      August 18, 2014 at 2:29 pm

      I have almost the exact same issue. Met my ex on WoW 2 years ago, dated for a year long distance blissfully, and he broke up with me for cheating on him when I truly didn’t.

      As the relationship progressed he became possessive and controlling to the degree of not wanting men to look at me and if someone texted me, all hell broke loose. He assaulted one of his friends for messaging me on facebook (saying hello) and wound up in jail with charges pressed against him.

      His trust issues began by me texting and engaging with other people (groups) while I was home (aka not with him in Chicago). One particular guy in this group of friends he HATED, absolutely hated him, and fought with me everyday for months about how I’m cheating on him with that guy. It wasn’t true, I absolutely never cheated on him. I told him I’d go to the grave before I admitted to something I didn’t do.

      Now he hates me, tells me to die, etc. etc. total hatred. Still logs into my social media accounts to “monitor” but won’t speak to me. Has me blocked and all e-mails blocked.

      This relationship was like heaven on earth before he snapped. Our sex melted the paint off the walls and we are totally and utterly best friends in every way you can imagine. He is my BEST friend.

      WTF do I do? We’ve been broken up since January 2013 and haven’t gone two days without speaking and fighting. He told me to fuck off Thursday and I’ve left it. So it’s day number 4.

      I want him and always will, I’ll wait forever–but what if he never sees that I was faithful and it was all in his head?

    3. Sam

      August 18, 2014 at 2:32 pm

      I am 23 and he is 24. When we met I was 20 and he was 22.

    4. admin

      August 19, 2014 at 2:08 pm

      WOW as in world of warcraft???

      How old was he?

      He sounds a bit crazy… I am a little worried about him he has some maturing to do.

  40. Courtney

    August 16, 2014 at 1:07 am

    My ex boyfriend and I are both twenty years old, so as you stated earlier he is very,very immature. I know he wants to have fun, and party and maybe be with other girls, I can understand that because he is still growing and learning. But if you truly love someone, do you wait on them? Do I wait on him to get out of this phase, and come back to me? Do I move on with my life? I truly love his guy, and I feel like he is the one. So do I let him “find himself” and have fun, and be a 20 year old typical boy, and wait for him?

    1. admin

      August 18, 2014 at 12:36 pm

      I think you need to ask yourself is if he will ever get out of this phase?

      Remember, a womans time is much more valuable than a mans.

  41. Taryn

    August 15, 2014 at 11:18 pm


    I’d say that I have a little bit of 2 things going on with Ryan.

    I am 27 and he is 23. He is turning 24 in September.

    Technically, he should be the Party age guy. But he is not. He was in the Marines from age 19 – 23. He did some college during that time. And we’re long distant, so the party thing was never an issue. He parties sometimes though. But, he is a bit more mature for his age, from being in the Military. So he is a lot closer to the Post Party age. Right now he is finishing school to be an Engineer, and working. Before we broke up, he told me that he wouldn’t want to get married until he’s 26 or so. He said he wants to have more stability first. I didn’t bring up the marriage topic though. He did lol.

    He also was the one who brought up having kids with me some day too. He brought that up and he brought up taking our relationship to the next level, before we broke up.

    That gives me hope though. The fact that I know that he wants the same things I want. And he brought it up first. So I know I’m not wasting my time.

    I’m not in a rush to marry him, but he is worth it.

    Man I love him


    1. admin

      August 18, 2014 at 12:35 pm

      Yay Taryn commented!

      He seems like he has a good head on his shoulder if everything he says is true!!

    2. Taryn

      August 18, 2014 at 2:14 pm

      Haha Yay!!

      Yes, he does have a good head on his shoulders. Knows what he wants in life and is at that stage where he’s trying to make it happen. So my job is to show him that I will support him and benefit his life. He is a good guy. Very respectful. He met my parents before and they like him. Haha. I made sure that he met my dad first before my mom. I wanted both my parents to size him up for me. Even though I already knew he was right for me.

      I’ll be texting him again soon. Probably tomorrow :]

      I’m in the girlfriend text phase. I want to try throwing in a compliment.


    3. admin

      August 19, 2014 at 2:04 pm

      Definitely do. What compliment do you have in mind?

    4. Taryn

      August 19, 2014 at 3:03 pm

      I was thinking about complimenting him on how big and strong he is. He’s 5’9″ and I’m 4’11”, so I like how big and strong he is. He picked me up because I’m so little lol. Gosh, sounds likes a risky type of text lol.

    5. admin

      August 25, 2014 at 11:13 am

      No offense Taryn but I think most people could pick you up at 4’11” haha.

      It’s risky but worth a shot I think.

    6. Taryn

      August 25, 2014 at 3:40 pm

      Very true lol.

      And yeah, I might just try a compliment like that :]

    7. Taryn

      August 19, 2014 at 3:36 pm

      I saw that you also have the example of a compliment about the eyes. I would say something like that as well. I have always liked his eyes. I also love his skin tone. He’s naturally caramel skin toned with black hair. I loveeeeeee that lol.

    8. Taryn

      August 27, 2014 at 2:01 pm

      Ryan texted me in the middle of the night, two nights ago, to tell me that he was thinking about me. And then he asked me what I was dreaming about, because he woke me up :]

    9. admin

      August 28, 2014 at 12:33 pm

      GOOD SIGN!!!!!

    10. Taryn

      August 28, 2014 at 11:17 pm

      Agreed!!! :]

    11. Taryn

      September 1, 2014 at 4:11 am

      I was texting Ryan today, just to see how his day was going. And he told me that he is in Buffalo, NY. Where I live. He lives in California!

      So I asked him..

      Me: “Oh really? What brings you to Buffalo?”
      Ryan: “U”
      Me: “Really?”
      Ryan: “Yes”

      Ryan is in Buffalo. And he came here for me :]

      I am shocked! And happy. I guess we will see each other a lot sooner than I had thought. Oh my!

    12. admin

      September 2, 2014 at 12:30 pm

      Look how far you have come. I hope things are going great!!!!!

    13. Taryn

      September 2, 2014 at 2:20 pm

      Thank you Chris!

      Guess what, Ryan is silly…. He hadn’t told me before hand that he was coming to Buffalo and he was only here for labor day. And I didn’t know. And I had to work, so we missed our opportunity to see each other. Bummer. However, he texted me last night to say goodnight after he got back to Cali. Lol he asked me for a Goodnight picture. I said, “only of you send me one”. And so he did :] then I sent a cute one. Nothing sexual or anything. Just simple and cute.

      So he kept texting me and he then asked me if I had a boyfriend or anyone special in my life. I said no. He said, “not even a date?” I said yes, and then he asked what happened. I said nothing happened, and that they did not connect with me at all. I asked him, “why do you ask?”

      He seemed curious to know if I was seeing anyone I guess. This was the first time he had asked me anything like this since I started to try and get him back.

      Ryan: “Bc ur a great girl n I hate see u not connecting wit men. I juss hope they treat u like a lady”
      Me: “Most of them don’t…”

      (don’t mind his texting style.. Lol. That’s just how he types when he texts) I wasn’t sure where this conversation was going. I was hoping he was just trying to figure out if I’m single lol. Anyways. Then he asked me what I meant by that. I said that most guys just want one thing from me. And that they don’t see who’s inside.

      Ryan: “Wtf u don’t even have tht type of demeanor to give sex like tht”
      Me: “I know, I don’t. But it happens to me all the time. In person and even more so online. So I tend to give the cold shoulder to everyone.”

      Then he told me that I shouldn’t be online like that. Because guys online are “a$$es” Lol. So I told him that I am not online anymore. He said, “Good”

      Me: “Yeah. It was annoying”

      Then he said something that I’m not sure what to think about.

      Ryan: “Well I hope u get to meet someone great tht can treat u right bc sex isn’t the only thing in life”
      Me: “Thank you. You are so right. It isn’t”
      Ryan: “Well yeh look at us no sex n I think we r cool as f**k.” (ps. He and I never had sex. And he knows I want to wait.)

      Me: “Yes. You wanted it though ;]”
      Ryan: “Yeh but I knew u for a couple yrs plus u said u were ready”
      Me: “I was… But I was also very nervous. I don’t know why. I’m just not used to being so close to someone”
      Ryan: “Well tht Wht happens we u care bout each other”
      Me: “I believe that, Ryan. And yes I did care about you. But you’re right. You know, I really have missed talking to you. You always made me smile when you would text me randomly or call.”
      Ryan: “Well I’m glad I want to be the best man I can to u bc u deserve it plus ur f*kin amazingly awesome n beautiful” (he swears grr..)
      Me: “God I miss you. And thank you”

      That is what happened last night. I didn’t know what to think. Or what step to take next. Does he not realize that I want him? And that I was hinting that he and I connect. Was I just friend zoned? Lol. Ryan is thick. But he did open up a lot. Today I will say nothing and I was thinking about texting /calling him tomorrow. His birthday is Friday.

      I wish I had been off of work to see him yesterday, but I also feel, in a huge way, that he and I need to talk more first before we see each other. I will not be just friends. I want Ryan. Does he think I don’t? He still cares about me. But does he realize how much I want to be with him. I wish I could just call him and be straight forward haha.

      I feel that I am getting somewhere

    14. Taryn

      September 2, 2014 at 6:45 pm

      Andddd he just texted me first to say “Good day” :]

      I guess I am getting somewhere :]

    15. admin

      September 3, 2014 at 2:39 pm


    16. Taryn

      September 3, 2014 at 12:50 am

      Gosh!! Ryan and I had a good little conversation today. Initiated by Ryan :]

      I even found the perfect moment to throw in that compliment I told you about. It went well. And then I ended the conversation :]]

      I don’t plan on texting him again till his birthday, which is Friday. But hey, if he wants to text me first again, I’m all for it Hehe

      I’d say this is going very well

    17. admin

      September 3, 2014 at 3:37 pm

      Very well! You are doing so great Taryn! I am so happy to hear about this.

    18. admin

      September 3, 2014 at 2:29 pm

      I see him as more as testing the waters. Your not friend zoned! I edfinitely feel your getting somewhere!

    19. Taryn

      September 3, 2014 at 5:11 pm

      Thank you! After I ended the conversation yesterday, Ryan texted me again to see if I was home from work. And I said yes. Then he texted back and said,

      “Good I need my beauty to sleep well”

      I said thank you to him. And then he asked me a serious question. He asked me if I want to have a baby. I’m assuming he meant in the future? But Man! So I said, “I do. But I need a committed relationship for that.” and he wrote back and said for how long. I said, “For as long as we wanted to be together.” but then I also said to him that we could talk about things like that on the phone rather than text. He agreed.

      Soooo, yeah :]

      I’m not texting him today though. We talked almost every day this week. Time to slow it down for a day or two. Lol but he will probably text me though today anyways. I’ll text him Friday for sure for his birthday.

      I am happy. But still trying to follow the rules that I’ve learned. Because I want to stay in control. Slow and steady. Even though he is seriously into me again lol.

      Thank you Chris for your help and advice. And your articles! And for rooting for Ryan and I.


    20. admin

      September 4, 2014 at 12:00 pm

      Wow thats a bold movie…

      Do you want to have a baby… hahaha well ill say this about him. He cuts right to the chase doesn’t he.

    21. Taryn

      September 3, 2014 at 9:02 pm

      Lol… He texted me today. Called it!

    22. admin

      September 4, 2014 at 12:10 pm

      Seems to me he is hooked 😉

    23. Taryn

      September 4, 2014 at 2:13 pm

      Lol. Yes Ryan has always been bold. And does cut to the chase.

      But I will explain, on the Long Distance page, (running out of room to reply on here lol) what I think went wrong. I might have been blowing it out of proportion but. I know one thing, I won’t give up.

      It was going well. Alrighty, I will explain on the other page.

    24. admin

      September 5, 2014 at 11:58 am

      I will reply on the other page!!