Sometimes we make decisions and we feel a sense of peace, secure with the knowledge that the choice was right, like a weight has been lifted off our chest.
But other times, we start feeling a prickling feeling on the back of our neck, and a nagging feeling that something is not quite right.
When we break up with someone, we, as women, tend to put a lot of thought into it. There are actually studies that show that women tend to take longer to break up with someone, but tend to stick to their decision, while men are more likely to make a snap decision and end the relationship. But they are also more likely to come back.
The good news, though, is that if you ended things with your ex boyfriend but have since decided you want him back, you are already at an advantage, as you were the one to end things.
Many of the steps are the same as if you had been the one to be dumped, but there are some key differences in how you approach things, most importantly beginning with the first step, which is to take some time to assess your initial reasoning for the breakup, and do some serious thinking as to what you really want.
Work out Your Emotions Logically
I cannot stress enough how important it is that you are absolutely sure you want your exboyfriend back before fully throwing yourself into the ExBoyfriend Recovery Program.
The last thing that you want is to get back together with your ex, only to realize your initial reasons for ending the relationship were completely valid, thereby breaking the poor guy’s heart all over again.
I have some experience with this. I was with my first boyfriend way longer than I should have been. I didn’t know how to end things, and so the extremely unhealthy relationship went on for years longer than it should have. Finally, I was able to break up with him. Then months passed. I experienced my first heartbreak 6 months later, and began to miss my first boyfriend. I missed how doting he was, how stable our relationship had felt, how I never questioned his love for me.
I briefly considered trying to see if he would be open to rekindling things again, but after a couple of days of mulling it over, I realized none of those reasons had to do with him. They had to do with being in a relationship. I was lonely and sad and wanted someone to love me. But I didn’t love my ex boyfriend. Going back to him would not have solved any of my problems long term. It only would have fulfilled my need in the moment to not feel like I was alone, and I would absolutely have ended it again. And that wouldn’t have been fair to him, or to me.
Ultimately, it’s a good thing that I didn’t go back to him, because in hindsight, the relationship was extremely tenuous and he was a very possessive, insecure guy who ended up being kind of a creepshow. Dodged that bullet.
So I implore you to do some thinking. You should take some time to assess your reasons for wanting your ex back regardless, but especially if you were the one to end the relationship.
So, if you are wondering how you know if you made the right decision, and you find yourself asking
“Was it a mistake in letting him go?”
“Did I do the Right Thing?”
“What if I broke up with the one?”
Ask yourself the following:
- Do I miss him, or do I just miss being in a relationship?
- Am I just lonely?
- Do I miss the security/stability/familiarity?
- Am I scared that I’ll never find someone as good for me as he is?
- Do I simply not want him to be with anyone else?
- Am I scared to start dating again?
All of these questions are in the same vein: being afraid of the future – yours and his. However, none of these are good reasons to stay with someone. And it is completely normal to regret a decision even if you know it was the right one to make. Part of it is missing that connection, the feeling of being part of a couple.
You will find someone to love you again, but more importantly, you need to take some time to learn to love yourself. Your ex boyfriend may well end up moving on before you. But you have to respect him, and that fact. We all want to be wanted, and I know well the feeling of seeing your ex move on and feeling jealous, even though you were the one to end it. We all want to be the best the one person has ever had, and to live on in their memory as the pinnacle of their happiness. But that simply cannot be. If you decide to let your ex go, let him go fully, with no strings attached.
I wrote about this recently on Ex Girlfriend Recovery, but I think it is worth mentioning here as well.
We, as women, face a lot of expectations from society, ranging from how we look, to how we act, to our career or lack thereof. But I won’t get on my feminist soapbox.
What I want to talk about is the societal expectation that women should get married and have babies.
Though this is changing, people make the assumption that these are primary stepping stones in a women’s life. There are even harsh names and stereotypes used for women who haven’t settled down, like “old maid” or “cat lady.” Not to mention, women also have that pesky biological clock. If you want to have children, you are best having your first one by age 35, and if women are to follow society’s dumb expectations, they should be married for some time before embarking on parenthood.
Both of these expectations combined put way more pressure on women to be paired up in a relationship than men. Men don’t have a biological clock, and they are taught from a young age that their careers should be number one, while women tend to prize their relationships with friends and family.
This is a huge thing that I think facilitated my motives in thinking about gtting my ex boyfriend back. I am in my late 20’s, and do eventually want to settle down and have a family one day. I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to find someone as perfect as my ex boyfriend, in what I perceived was “limited time.” After time passed, though, I realized that I am quite the catch, and wouldn’t be alone for long. Not to mention, there are so many quality guys out there, many of whom are a better match for me than my ex boyfriend was.
I mention this because these expectations may have something to do with the fears that I listed above, whether consciously or unconsciously. When you are mulling over your reasons for wanting your ex back, take your idea of your role and your expected life path into account. You may be surprised what you uncover.
Getting Him Back
Okay, so say you do all of this emotional work and you decide that you did indeed make a mistake and are desperate to get your ex boyfriend back?
Luckily, the steps are pretty similar to the normal Ex Boyfriend Recovery Process, with a few modifications.
No Contact: So we know that No Contact and self-improvement is an important (if not THE MOST important) part of the process. This is also true if you were the one to end the relationship. Not only should you take the time to consider if ending the relationship is the right call, but you should also give your ex boyfriend space. If you ended things, it’s likely that your ex boyfriend is hurting deeply. You need to give him the time to heal. Yes, he may go out and try to rebound, but you broke up with him. He is allowed to do that. Don’t forgo No Contact just because of that fear. In all likelihood, the idea of you dating around will help him miss you more.
So, to answer your question,
“Can I get him back?”
You just have to 100% commit to the Program.
Embrace No Contact as a time to reset.
Make some changes in your life. Even if you were the one to end things, I’m sure that your ex boyfriend had his complaints about you and the relationship. Start working on some of those points so that when you start building rapport, he can see how much you’ve changed.
Rapport Building: I’m not sure what the circumstances of your breakup were. Maybe you cheated or left him for someone else, maybe he was being an immature bum and you were sick of it so you walked away. Whatever the circumstances, though, it’s likely your ex will have a hard time trusting you again.
Imagine if your ex boyfriend came back after ending things – it would be hard to trust him 100% right away again, right? So in addition to all of the other rapport building you’ll be doing, you need to work on regaining trust. And this right here is why you need to be 100% sure that being with him is what you want.
So how does one rebuild trust? Be as truthful as possible. If you make plans, don’t flake, stick to them. Work on regaining emotional intimacy. I think the best way to do that is to talk candidly about the past once the topic of beginning a new relationship is broached. Be as genuine as possible with your ex boyfriend.
He’s been hurt, so it’s going to take some work to destroy the walls that he has up, but if you can get him to open up and be vulnerable (a difficult thing for men to do because of society’s expectations), you’re on the right track to getting your man back.
Buffy and Riley
Even though I hate this pairing, I could not help but think of Buffy and her college boyfriend, Riley while writing this article. It is one of the main times in the series where we see Buffy question her decision regarding one of her romantic relationships.
Riley gets into some dark stuff which I won’t go into here, and Buffy finds out and is hurt and furious. Riley has an opportunity to accept a job that was take him far away from Sunnydale, and he tells Buffy he is going to go “unless you give me a reason to stay.”
Because of her pride, Buffy is stubborn, though it is clear she is torn. But then her friend Xander says the following to her:
“But you missed the point. You shut down, Buffy. And you’ve been treating Riley like the rebound guy. When he’s the one that comes along once in a lifetime. He’s never held back with you. He’s risked everything. And you’re about to let him fly because you don’t like ultimatums? If he’s not the guy, if what he needs from you just isn’t there, let him go. Break his heart, and make it a clean break. But if you really think you can love this guy… I’m talking scary, messy, no-emotions-barred need… if you’re ready for that… then think about what you’re about to lose.”
– Xander, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Into the Woods”
Now, I have my own problems with this speech (and with Xander in general), but I think the passage (especially the end of it), makes clear what I mean when I talk about making the decision to try to get your ex back. If you know, deep in your gut that this guy isn’t for you, but you’re scared to let go, be brave and cut the cord. But if you come to the conclusion you made a mistake and want to try again with this guy, then fight for him. “Run.” as Xander says.
Once you’ve made the active decision that your exboyfriend is the guy for you, you should proceed the same as you would in any other situation. But be aware your ex may be hurt, and it may take more work to push through the emotional wall he’s put up.
They key is to get him to trust you again. And not in a manipulative, desperate way, but in a way full of patience, devotion, and love.
So, here is what we’re are prepared to do for you.
Let’s have a chat about your situation in the comments below.
- Tell me what your relationship was like before the breakup.
- What your breakup was actually like?
- What you have done since breakup?
And I will help you get to the bottom on if you have a good, average or low chance of getting your ex back. From there We’ll equip you so you will be able to make a smart decision on how you want to approach this regret that you are dealing with.