What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back

How to Make a Stubborn Ex Boyfriend Come Running Back

We are never ever, ever, ever getting back together

I never thought I’d begin an article for ExBoyfriend Recovery by quoting a Taylor Swift song, but here we are. I thought it was appropriate for the topic of this article, because we are going to be talking about how to make stubborn exboyfriends who are adamant about breaking up come running back, begging to be yours again.

Yesterday, someone posted in our private Facebook group asking if anyone had their ex say one of the following:

“I just don’t think we’re compatible.”

“I don’t feel the same for you anymore.”

“I don’t see a future with you.”

“I think we’re better off as friends.”

“This isn’t working.”

Et cetera.

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The answer is yes. Absolutely. All the girls who responded heard one or more of these lines, or something similar. It is very common for a man to feel very secure in his decision to end it, and to use one of these to end the conversation, for fear of the woman trying to “talk him out of it.”

Using any of these lines helps to make the break feel more permanent, and right now, he is set on ending it.

The thing is, it is often these guys who are so adamant about the relationship being over who end up coming back some time down the road.

Take my ex for instance: We were together for a number of years, and I anticipated we would be together for a good deal more. But then he ended it, using the first of the lines mentioned above, as well as a slew of others.

I didn’t beg or plead, though. I knew deep down that he would be back.

And he is.

And you’ll be surprised to know what happened to make this stubborn guy change his tune.

Newsflash… it wasn’t begging.

Processing Time

It is no secret that men and women process things differently. You’ve seen this picture online posted on various social media, right?

The timing may be off, but the overall concept is true.

After a breakup, the woman tends to begin processing emotions immediately. That is why so many man refer to their ex’s as “crazy.” After a breakup, they are hurt, so they tend to throw all logic out the window and react emotionally, trying to salvage the relationship. The guy’s immediate reaction is to go out with friends, and even begin dating again. He may be sad, but because of societal standards, he doesn’t show it, and instead acts out, as though he doesn’t care. My ex was absolutely guilty of this after our breakup, and it was extremely painful to observe.

But then, a few weeks to months later (depending on the length of your relationship), the woman will start to feel a bit better. She’ll start going out with friends, taking up new hobbies, going to the gym, and she may even begin to hesitantly start dating again. This is the point where the reality of the breakup actually begins to set in for the guy. Going out isn’t as fun as it was, none of the hot girls he’s dating seem to stack up to how wonderful his ex girlfriend was, and his life begins to feel monotonous and boring.

Fast forward to 6 months to a year later (again, depending on the people involved and the length of the relationship). The woman is embracing life as a single woman, she’s being asked out by eligible bachelors constantly. She is nurturing her relationships with her friends and family, and she is taking steps towards her goals.

Women tend to lose themselves in relationships more than men do. We tend to prize our relationships and emotional connections above all else, whereas men tend to prize work and public accomplishments. A good girlfriend can add so much to a man’s life, but he might not realize how much until she’s gone. But when a woman begins to find herself again after a breakup (and that is at base what the ExBoyfriend Recovery program is all about), she gets to put herself and her needs first, when before, she put her partner’s needs and desires above even her own.

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My point here is that men and women process things very differently. A recent study by Binghamton University and University College London found that though women hurt more as they result of a breakup, they also tend to deal with breakups in a more healthy way – grieving, and then doing a lot of self improvement work to feel better about themselves. This means that when they get back out there on the dating scene, they are more confident and attractive than ever. And they really have done the healing work and are over their ex fully, ready to embark on the next relationship healthily.

The same study found that men tend to react way differently. They distract themselves and don’t actually work to get over or recover from the relationship.

Instead, they do what I mentioned above – go out with friends, fill the void with other women, etc. But then, after a certain amount of time, the reality of the breakup begins to set in. They realize that A) They actually do want a life partner and they have to get back out and compete on the dating scene again; or B) What they had was absolutely irreplaceable, he let her go, and now she has moved on.

This is the dynamic that is at play when Chris says “They always come back after you’ve moved on.” I know this to be true. My ex came back – he said he had been processing his feelings in his alone time and realized a lot of things about our relationship, and himself. I told him, “but you were so sure” and he said that it had just taken time.

Moving on Without Moving On

If your exboyfriend was stubborn and adamant about the breakup, please keep the above in mind. There are academic studies that support the theory that men think less about the repercussions of ending a relationship, and others like the above that support the idea that they don’t recover as fully. I think this makes these stubborn men likely to return, but you have to play it the right way. After all, my ex is stupid stubborn, and he made a return.

So, what is the best way to play the chess game with a stubborn exboyfriend? It depends on what stage you’re at (as always No Contact is first and foremost).

Think about the study above and the implications. Women take longer to recover, but recover more fully/healthily. Men seemingly bounce back right away, but it is all a facade. We know that men tend to return back to relationships as soon as their ex girlfriend has moved on. Therefore, I have come up with an equation:

Self Improvement + Fear of Loss = Moving On Without Moving On

Let’s tackle Self Improvement First.

My ex mentioned on more than one occasion how blown away he was by all of the things I accomplishing after our separation. I took a lot of things that he considered negative qualities about me and turned them around. I worked on my confidence. I worked to become a better person. I did it for myself, though, not for him. And that was the key. I killed the No Contact Rule. I tackled the Holy Trinity of health, wealth, and relationships.


This is a key concept of moving on without moving on. You may not actively be moving on to new people, but you are moving forward in your life and attacking personal goals. And that’s sexy as hell. To re-attract your ex back you can’t just focus on your interactions and how he’s responding to your texts. You have to re-attract him by becoming more attractive to him again (and I’m not just talking physically), and make him question his reasons for breaking up with such a badass lady. The best thing you can do is focus on self improvement. And if you do that, it will assist with getting closer to getting your ex back, but it will also make you happier with yourself and your life. Embrace No Contact. Embrace Yourself.

Alright, on to Fear of Loss.

I don’t know if you’ve ever broken up with someone. I have, a couple of times. And each time I did, I felt secure in the knowledge that if I ever wanted them back, they’d come running (for the record, I’ve never wanted any of them back – women tend to take their time deciding to end things, remember?)

But I digress.

My point is, your ex may feel secure, thinking that if he wants you back, you’ll be there with just a snap of his fingers. You can’t let him feel this security. He has to be scared that he is going to lose you, that you could move on.

So what do you do to strike that fear in his heart? I’d say there are two options here. First, there is jealousy. Obviously, a new person entering the picture is going to make even the most stubborn of ex’s a bit nervous if he has any residual feelings. Post that you’re going out with a guy friend. Casually mention a male co-worker’s name in a story to your ex, post a picture of a great dinner you’re having, and make the male hand around the beer stein slightly obvious, but not too obvious.

The other way to achieve this is scarcity. Just be a little less available to him. Don’t pick up his call, and instead send him to voicemail. Let a few texts go unanswered. Indulge in some push/pull to make him worry that he is losing you and your life has become too busy for him, whether or not there is another man in it.

If you can utilize both of these tools, it will help to make your ex start to wonder if you really are over him. And no one likes being unwanted, even if they broke up with the person.

Just remember, most guys tend to come back to their ex girlfriends as soon as they have started moving on. So if you can create the illusion that you are moving on and moving forward, it may cause him to return to you sooner. But keep in mind that is he thinks he has you, he’s not going to be afraid of losing you.

The Bottom Line

If a guy tells you any of the above things I mentioned at the top of this article, or anything in that same vein, I urge you to instead take it with a grain of salt.

People change all the time, and so do their feelings.

While writing this article, I kept thinking about Buffy and Spike. Spike becomes head over heels for Buffy in season 5, but she is less than interested:

Spike: “You can’t tell me that there isn’t anything there between you and me. I know you feel something.”
Buffy: “It’s called revulsion. And whatever you think you’re feeling it’s not love. You can’t love without a soul.”
Drusilla: “Oh, we can, you know. We can love quite well… if not wisely.”

-Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Crush”

However, in the last episode of the series, she tells him she loves him, and I even hear that they get together in the comics (which are considered cannon). What did Spike do to get Buffy to love him? He changed? He also utilized jealousy tactics (bringing a date to Xander’s wedding in “Hell’s Bells”). It worked. Buffy is the epitome of stubborn, but she couldn’t’ deny that there were feelings between them (much to my chagrin – I’m a Buffy/Angel shipper all the way).

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Stubbornness is nothing when feelings are concerned. If you do the work and start moving on without moving on, I would say you have a nice chance of having your ex show up to your door and telling you he misses you and wants you back. Your power comes from appearing to move on. So embrace that, and all the positive changes that come along with it.

(Written by Rachel)


Written by EBR Teamate

Chris Seiter

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105 thoughts on “How to Make a Stubborn Ex Boyfriend Come Running Back”

  1. Anita Glenn

    February 28, 2018 at 10:10 pm

    Thank you so much. This help me threw it.

  2. Nikita

    January 29, 2018 at 6:13 pm

    so basically I dated my boyfriend for 8 months. he is quite a very busy guy – he works 3 jobs (because he is going to do a loan) and recently he was offered a course from one of those jobs for just 4 weeks starting this january. anyway long story short, he used to break up for almost every argument we had which was mainly started by me arguing of how little we used to meet weekly. (p.s. minor arguments because he used to text me the following day or 2 of the argument).
    his working schedule is from Monday till Friday he works from 6am – 430pm (job 1) then by 6pm till approx. 10.30pm (job 2 – catering); then Saturday morning he used to spend like 4hrs job 3 and again Job 2 (catering) starting from 6pm till midnight or so and then, Sunday just job 2 (catering) starting from 6pm onwards. But of course he would not have the ‘energy’ to meet up with me on sunday evening because he has to go to the other job starting 6am on Monday – which I really did effort to be understanding.
    – N.B. We live very close to each other like maybe 20 minutes drive.

    So I felt quite pissed lately not finding time for me, although he used to tell me from the very first day that he is super busy and that he will not find time for me as much as he should to or as much as I deserve but somehow i still accepted. at the beginning of our relationship he was very sweet and caring and to be honest he still is, for instance once after a minor argument and talked about some issues he told me “you are too good to be lost” and also “whenever we meet i forget all of my problems encountered at work and throughout my life” ( which was back in December).
    (The issues and arguments are always about the fact that he has literally no time for me)
    The last argument we had was about the same issue which was how sad I feel sometimes that he doesn’t find time for me and his response was just like this: ” I think we should break up because you don’t deserve someone like me who doesn’t afford to find time for someone like you. probably it’s because you do not understand how busy my life is and i have no option in staying like this before i finish the loan payments for sure. So it would be best for you to find someone better because you seem to want more attention than i give you ”

    Well, i suggested that we should move in together rather than breaking up but he does not want to rush things out as he has never been in a ‘serious relationship’. So i thought he has already made up his mind in seriously breaking up with me this time and so i accepted the break up.
    After 2 days i texted him and it didn’t turn up to end well. I ended up insulting him and he pointed out that he is doing this for my own good.
    I currently in my final year of University and i have lots of pressure, stress and sometime some anger issues. My hormonal imbalance does not help a lot but he knows i have these issues.
    I know he never meant harm and i think he has feelings for me even though he told me once or twice that he loves me, but now i think either i annoyed him or that somehow over did it with these arguments. Some suggestions would be greatly appreciated

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 31, 2018 at 5:06 pm

      Hi Nikita,

      when did you broke up? Are you going to do the nc rule?

  3. Josey

    January 15, 2018 at 6:47 am

    Help EBR.

    My ex and I were together for 2 years and we recently broke up 2 months ago. We were very committed and I had a promise ring. For the most part our relationship was perfect. We did everything together and were so in love. We even got our first place together. However out of nowhere he told me he was unhappy and broke up with me shortly after. The last 6 months before that had been a little rough with some petty fighting here and there but nothing I thought was abnormal…I mean every couple goes through a rough patch right?

    Well after the breakup I continuously tried everything I could to stay in touch. I got so far with it that I even convinced him to come over for dinner one night and it was great. Everything turned out just how I had hoped. We talked about everything and he even agreed that we could continue talking and if we took things slow. With that being said, I continued to text him, however he put up another wall and just stopped responding. It didn’t matter what time of day I texted him or what I would say, he would say nothing back. Eventually this became so frustrating that I comeplety blew up and in turn, I was told it “pushed him over the edge.” About a week after hearing that, he showed up to an event he knew I would be at and purposely made out with some girl he had brought with him right in front of me. I was heartbroken. Every time I would turn to look at him, he would just smirk and go back to kissing her. This was so devesating for me and honestly, my worst nightmare. That same night, I sent him a pretty blunt text and told him how heartbroken I was. I said some things I probably shouldnt have out of hurt and anger and I regretted it instantly the next day. It’s been a week since I sent that message and I do not know if he ever tried to respond because instantly blocked him. We aren’t friends on any social media either. It’s been a week since I sent that message and I haven’t said a word to him.

    My question is…if I go 30 days without contact, do I still have a chance getting him back given the situation at hand?? Or do you think he has completely moved on?

    My heart is aching and I am trying to take steps to move forward but I really miss my best friend and I really feel that the problems we had before are easily fixed with better communication. I just need a chance from him.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 15, 2018 at 7:45 pm

      Hi Josey,

      Try it first.. It’s not a guarantee to work in any situation but it helps increase your chances.

  4. Ari

    January 10, 2018 at 3:09 am

    So my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me last week. Everything was going great. We had a great date night when all of the sudden a conversation came up about the future and he said he didn’t see a future with me and breaking up is probably best. Mind you, just hours before he was telling me he loved me and we were smiling and having fun. I told him that we should take a day or 2 to cool down and then talk about it. We did. He said he still thinks breaking up is probably best, but he said he still loves me and literally didn’t want to leave even though the conversation was over. We were in a long distance relationship and I think he felt pressured that when I am done with school in a few months, I was making the decision to move to where he is. He basically said he doesn’t feel confident enough about me to uproot my life like that. The thing is, he is such an overthinker and always doubts things. I’ve been implementing no contact for 5 days now and plan to continue even though it’s hard. I’m just confused. How can you be with someone for 3 years and not be sure about a future? He also tried to throw the incompatible line at me. Part of me believes that once he stops overthinking everything and realizes what he left behind, he will regret it, but I don’t know. I’m so broken hearted. Is there any chance I can get him back in a few months once we have both worked on ourselves for a little bit?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 11, 2018 at 5:14 pm

      Hi Ari,

      I think there’s a chance.. You mean you’re going to do months of nc? If so, how long?

  5. Mila

    December 29, 2017 at 4:38 pm

    Hi Amor,
    Suddenly he deleted my number from his phone. I can say that because I am not able to see his profile pic. on whatsapp but can able to see last seen. So I am sure that hedeleted my number but not blocked me. I was active on whatsapp story. What do you think? What can be his intention to do that? I thought he either try to make me react or make himself forget me easily… I did nothing about that I am stick my extra n.c (30 days) waiting… And also one thing to say is it something or not I dont know but he stoped to sharing on social media when he deleted my number. He was soooo active before that. Any suggestion? advice? anything will make me happy. Thank you…

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 31, 2017 at 9:15 pm

      be more active in doing posts in Facebook or Instagram that are not stories, or those that doesn’t disappear.

  6. Andy

    December 27, 2017 at 7:24 am

    My ex and I were together for 13 years. For the last 5 years we were living in a long distance relationship. Both of us were trying to make the relationship work and everybody was telling us that we were such a great fit for eachother. Of course we had our flaws, but whatever was wrong we tried to resolve in the intimacy of our relationship. However, a year ago I told him that I wanted to settle down someplace, have a family, raise children and he said that first I would have to leave everything, quit my job and move over. And I would have done that just that everytime I would decide to take that leap of faith he would do something to pull me back from doing it. So, long story short we broke up. Almost two months after the breakup he decided he wanted to reconcile and we gave it another try. Just that he wasn’t the same, it was like he was punishing me for all the things I did wrong during our relationship. After three months we broke up again. I initiated the breakup, but deep down I felt like he was pushing me to do it. Now we’re separated for 8 months. We talk once a month, when he comes in the country he calls me and meets for a coffee. I feel like he is the one for me. I gave him space and tried to improve myself. I studied for a career change and even have been to a few interviews to the city he lives in. I want to become a better me and I also wanted him to see that I’m trying to make things work. Last time I went for an interview I stayed at his place. It was just like when we were together. He was very caring and loving towards me and we ended up making love. It was a magical week. After I came back home I decided that when we would meet again I would ask him to give us another chance and that I would do anything to make it work, even moving straightaway to his town of residence and live everything behind. And I did, just that he said no, that we broke up and that ment done for us, that he is very stubborn and that he knows he is making a huge mistake letting me go. He even told me that I was the love of his life. I’m heartbroken and really don’t know what to do next. I really feel that we are ment to be together. I decided to give him space, thinking that if he would ever want to be together he will tell me but in the same time I fear that he will try to do his best to forget me. Is there anything I can do to make him change his mind?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 28, 2017 at 4:26 pm