Today we’re going to be talking about dumper versus dumpee psychology, more specifically we’ll talk about the fundamental differences we’ve seen between those who get dumped and those who do the dumping.

Let’s start with the basics – what is a “dumper” and “dumpee”?

As you can probably tell from the title of the article, I’m going to use these words a lot today so here’s a quick refresher of what they mean:

Dumper – the person who initiates the breakup and dumps their partner.

Dumpee – the person who gets broken up with or dumped.

Dumpees are usually the ones who are most likely to be reeling after a loss and ironically, they’re the ones who we get to deal with the most.

In fact, it took me so long to compile this list of psychological differences because we simply didn’t have enough data on dumpers. After all, they’re rarely the ones looking to get back together after a breakup, but that may be more out of their ego and not because they don’t want to.

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Understanding Dumper Vs. Dumpee Psychology With Five Key Concepts

As I stated above, one of the things that I’ve been incredibly proud of is the fact that most everything we recommend on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is fine tuned and tested using real life data or trends.

In other words, you’re never going to see us recommending something that we haven’t seen work for our clients.

So, when we sought to understand the differences between dumpers and dumpees there were five big concepts that stood out to us.

  1. Both sides go through their own grieving process
  2. Dumpers are a lot more likely to go on the rebound
  3. Dumpers will sometimes use the dumpee for emotional support
  4. You cannot change the dumpers mind, you can only influence it through regret and fear of missing out
  5. It can be difficult to get the dumper to admit they made a mistake but the sphere of influence helps a lot in that regard.

Allow me to explain.

Concept # 1: Both sides go through their own grieving process

Now I’m going to go on a limb here and say that if you’re reading this, you’re most likely the dumpee who wants their ex back.

I’m also going to make a pretty well-backed assumption of saying that you probably believe that your dumper does not go through a grieving process as you do.

This is actually one of the biggest misconceptions people have and that’s simply because of timing.

Dumpers go through the grieving process just like dumpees do, but their process starts later.

Here’s the thing – right after a breakup a dumper probably feels confident in their decision and the dumpee feels heartbroken and rejected.

This grieving process is even more brutal if the breakup was totally unexpected for the dumpee. In those initial few days/weeks after the breakup, the dumper is still sure of their decision and feels like they did the right thing.

However, as time goes on, the dumper will start to miss certain aspects of the relationship and maybe even regret their decision. That’s when the grieving process hits them.

So, dumpees usually grieve first and dumpers grieve second but either way, there’s a grieving process for both. The way both deal with the grieving process can be quite different though…

Concept # 2: Dumpers are a lot more likely to go on the rebound

Dumpers reactions to breakups and the grieving process are heavily dependent on their attachment styles.

In fact, I recently did an in-depth video detailing how dumpers will act when trying to move on from you.

One of the most common attachment styles for dumpers is an avoidant attachment style and they are typically likely to push aside their grief by distracting themselves with rebound relationships.

If your ex who dumped you has suddenly moved on to someone else, it’s either because their grieving process hasn’t started yet or they’re trying to repress it with a meaningless rebound.

So, it is common for dumpers to be a lot more likely to go on the rebound after a breakup. Now as far as percentages go, we don’t have enough data to make an ultimate determination.

However, I would say as much as 25 to 35 percent of dumpers will go on the rebound within the first month.

Now it’s important to note that if the dumper moves on within the first month of a breakup it’s probably a rebound relationship but if it’s been a year or more, that’s more likely to be an honest-to-goodness relationship.

Concept # 3: Dumpers will sometimes use the dumpee for emotional support

This actually ties seamlessly into the first concept about both sides going through their grieving process.

Usually, the dumpee grieves first and the dumper grieves second, but sometimes they both go through the grieving process at the same time. In this situation, we’ve noticed dumpers reaching out to the dumpee for emotional support and we think this is all about patterns.

You see getting into a relationship, especially a long-term one, is all about making patterns and having a somewhat set routine.

This could include anything from texting every hour, having a date night three times a week, or even living together and having dinner together, etc.

Sure, some parts of the routine might become monotonous and get on your nerves but it’s still a settled routine that makes you feel stable. It can be incredibly hard to cope emotionally when all that falls apart.

It’s natural to want to get back to that and sometimes the dumpers will have regrets as they miss their old life with you. A huge part of being in a relationship was probably the emotional support you provided so they reach out for that again.

Now if your ex keeps reaching out to talk to you for hours on end, should you let it happen?

Absolutely not. If you become an emotional support for your ex, they’ll use you to get what they need and then simply move on. Here’s a reminder that we always teach at ex recovery: you and your ex are no longer in a relationship, you’re simply acquaintances.

Would you drop everything to give unlimited emotional support to a random acquaintance?

Probably not, so the same should apply to your ex.

Concept # 4: You cannot change the dumper’s mind; you can only influence it through regret and fear of missing out

This might hurt to hear because a lot of people believe there’s something you can say or do to change your ex’s mind and I’m here to tell you that’s not how it works. Once someone’s mind is made up usually the only person that can change their mind is that person themselves.

Does this mean everything I teach is pointless since your ex will never change their mind or reverse their decision of dumping you?

No.

All I’m saying is that there is no magic bullet or phrase that will change your ex’s mind.

The best you can do is to influence your ex to change their mind on their own. You can only really focus on yourself, your life, and a few situations around your ex that are under your control.

Some things like your ex dating someone new or deleting old pictures of you together are simply out of your control. In fact, if you try to control any of those things you’ll probably just come off as a crazy obsessive ex-girlfriend who no one wants back.

By focusing simply on the things that are 100% under your control you can actually start to project the type of behaviors that will influence an ex to regret their decision of dumping you.

We talk a lot about this concept of becoming Ungettable or reaching an Ungettable mindset.

At its core being Ungettable is all about adopting or projecting a secure attachment style.

It means being so confident with yourself that you have the fortitude to overcome whatever relationship issues are thrown at your feet.

That kind of self-confidence will make it easier for you to digest the fact that there’s nothing you can say that will automatically change your ex’s mind.

All you can do is focus on what you have control over and allow those actions to influence your ex to make their own decision.

Concept # 5: It can be difficult to get the dumper to admit they made a mistake, but the sphere of influence helps a lot in that regard

This is one of the newest findings we’ve learned about dumpers and dumpees. Remember how I said there’s nothing you can say or do that’ll magically get your ex back? Well, that’s still true but you can influence their decision. One of the best ways to influence them is through their sphere of influence.

Sphere of influence – the core people/relationships someone surrounds themselves with. These are the people you turn to for life advice and emotional support.

Your ex’s sphere of influence might include their friends, family, close coworkers, etc. Regardless of who these people are, their opinions of you and your relationship have a lot of power over your ex.

Your ex probably craves validation from these people so it’s worth it to have them in your corner. Consider these two situations:

Your ex’s mother (an important part of their sphere of influence) never liked you and was actually happy you broke up.

She might have said things like “she’s not good enough for you” and that influenced his decision to break up with you.

Now, after the breakup, she might constantly be reaffirming his decision saying, “You did the right thing and you’ll definitely find someone better”.
See how that constant negative feedback from your ex’s sphere of influence can shape their decisions?

On the flip side, imagine your ex’s friends (also an important part of their sphere of influence) loved you. You were always considered the “fun girlfriend” and after your breakup, all your ex hears is “you lost a great one, you’re so dumb to break up with her!”.

That kind of messaging can make your ex regret his decision and even reconsider getting back together with you.

Now, this doesn’t always work out perfectly, and unfortunately, it’s one of those things that you can’t control much after your breakup. I just wanted to mention it since the sphere of influence plays a huge role in your ex’s opinions.

However, it’s certainly not the only important aspect and one of the best things you can do is focus on bettering yourself.

A new self-image might even make your ex’s sphere of influence see you in a new light.

Conclusion:

After years of dealing with mostly dumpees, we finally got enough experience with dumpers to be able to highlight 5 of the biggest psychological differences and considerations between dumpers and dumpees:

  1. Both sides go through their own grieving process (The dumpee gets the brutal first half and the dumper the brutal second half.)
  2. Dumpers are a lot more likely to go on the rebound
  3. Dumpers will sometimes use the dumpee for emotional support
  4. You cannot change the dumpers mind; you can only influence it through regret and fear of missing out
  5. It can be difficult to get the dumper to admit they made a mistake, but the sphere of influence helps a lot in that regard.

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