Making a long distance ex commit to you is pretty tricky.
Mary knows!
Today I opened up my Speakpipe page and got a really interesting message from a woman named Mary. Basically she wants to figure out how to get her ex on board for a long distance relationship.
You know how these things go.
- The ex has preconceived notions about long distance relationships.
- Mary being the optimistic ex girlfriend has romanticized notions.
- The ex doesn’t want to play
- Mary leaves heart broken
So, as I was listening to her voicemail and I started reminiscing about my own experience with a long distance relationship and I have to say that I learned a lot.
In fact, I learned so much that I am willing to pass it on to Mary here!
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizMary’s Situation
- He broke up with her because he didn’t get accepted into a grad program
- She wants to convince her ex to be in a long distance relationship with her
- Things seem to be going pretty well recently every since he eventually did get accepted to a school
What I Talk About In This Episode
- I am not sure I buy into his reasoning for the breakup
- Sales theory
- Interdependence theory
- Scarcity, urgency and fear of loss
- Satisfaction, alternatives and investment
- Is long distance even viable for Mary’s situation
P
November 12, 2020 at 4:49 pm
Hi Chris, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me, well broke up a week before the one year mark. He has broken up with me before, but in the past few weeks he has broken up with me nearly every week, leaving me crying and upset. In the UK, we are currently in a second lockdown so I am unable to meet up with him as he lives in a different city and we were long distance.
What happened was we were on video call one time where he said he didn’t love me anymore and then text me following morning saying he did. Then the next day he said he didn’t want to be with me because he couldn’t do the long distance anymore and told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship because he knew I wanted to get married, but I have not pressured or bought the topic of marriage up at all.
Another issue was that our culture and religion came into play, although we are both of the same religion, my parents are traditional where I have to ask permission to go somewhere and a few times my parents have not allowed me to go to his city.
My parents have met him but only for 10 minutes and he somehow got the impression my dad does not like him which is not the case at all and I have told him to come and meet them again and he was being adamant that he will not.
I did not talk to him for a whole day and he didn’t text me either. I messaged him saying I passed my masters (as I got my results), he responded positively.
Is there anyway I can get him back although we are doing long distance and cannot see each other due to a second lockdown?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 24, 2020 at 10:21 pm
Hi P, so the second lockdown ends in the first week of December in England. So that wouldn’t be an issue going forward form there – however the long distance and your parents not allowing you to travel may be a factor to consider in the future, can he not come to visit you? Why are you doing all the travelling? It does sound as if he is unsure how he feels about you or the relationship. So for now I would suggest that you follow a 30 day no contact and spend this time working on yourself rather than focus on him.
Eva
February 27, 2019 at 2:53 pm
Hey Chris.
I have been in a three year Ultra LDR that is on off. My bf has issues to address hurt and anger correctly. The last time he promised me to not split up any more to fix things. He came to see me for a month and things went well, we even met a counsellor.
Now he said he is serious and wanted to marry me. He wanted to came to.my country but we’ll circumstances were bad. Money issues (I earn more than him), immigration and future perspective. We tried to find a solution to make it work.
He offered me now a possibility where he said he wants to improve his skills work longer but it would have meant a longer LDR. And I said I cannot do that. Then he escalated badly. He got so vindictive because it seems he was badly hurt. He split.up again. It wouldnt make sense any more he hates me, he is annoyed by me. I never listen and he cannot cope with my bad sides.
I am pretty in shock after all what good things happened..before.i called and apologised but same time I told him off to not treat me like that. I deserve better.
My dignity and logic say he needs to come to me. I am also unsure if he ever will learn. He is the angry stubborn type.
On the other hand I love him and know he lovd me too.
Sorry for the long text, I basically don’t know what to do with that. All my friends say let him go.
Helen
September 17, 2018 at 9:23 pm
I believe he’s blocked me from instagram, though I didn’t follow him and last I saw there was nothing on there about any girl. Do I address this? Because of the long distance I don’t understand the motivation for keeping me in the dark when he could just as easily ghost me.
Helen
September 17, 2018 at 1:31 pm
I have reason to believe he may be lying about this girl as well and that he may still be seeing her. Is there a way I can approach this?
Chris Seiter
September 17, 2018 at 9:18 pm
Hi Helen….perhaps he is. There are certain signs that will crop up if he seeing another, though they can be misinterpreted. Usually the passage of time sorts out the truth.
Helen
September 17, 2018 at 2:15 am
I met this guy on my last day in holiday in April. We’ve been in contact for the last 4+ months and this last week he came to visit. I thought for sure we’d sleep together, and he did kiss and cuddle me, but as things heated up he admitted that he’d had a fling with a girl after he and I met, which went on longer than he expected and he was struggling to move past it. Because our situation is kind of weird he didn’t tell me. He was a little distant the last day or so, and admitted to being highly stressed about the next leg of his trip. Before he left, I told him how I felt and he said that he was trying not to reciprocate because he’s uncertain about the future and plus he’s travelling for a while, and the distance is a deterrent. Someone suggested he’s not attracted to me anymore, is this a possibility? I also believe he blocked me on Instagram.
Chris Seiter
September 17, 2018 at 3:58 am
Hi Helen!
So it seems some space might be beneficial for you both. Are you up to speed on NC and how my program works. Check out my Home Page and tap into my tools and resources!
Chris Seiter
September 17, 2018 at 3:58 am
Hi Helen!
So it seems some space might be beneficial for you both. Are you up to speed on NC and how my program works. Check out my Home Page and tap into my tools and resources!
Maria
May 2, 2018 at 4:34 pm
Hey Chris, me and my ex have been off and on until this year that we decided to mutually end things because of distance. Our relationship was really messy do to both of our insecurities. We started talking about a month ago and finally saw each other because he was seeing someone else, but I told him it wouldn’t be right if we saw each other during that. He’s in a really prestigious school & I feel like I’ve pushed him away again. I struggle with anxiety from time to time mostly when I feel like we’re not messaging each other enough. I know he’s really busy & he finds the time to talk to me but it’s difficult due to the distance too. We talked about marriage and that he sees a future with me but doesn’t want to try to be together because he knows he can’t have a relationship right now and also the fear that he’ll lose me. He’s afraid I’ll meet someone new while he’s trying to figure out his own pase in school & how to surpass his peers. I was freaking out about him possibly not being interested in me because he barely talks to me. He lashed out and told me that he’s busy and that we’ve been talking everyday & we have, but I’d like more & he can’t give me that right now. I made the assumption we were seeing each other but to him we were only talking, and started coming at me and saying that he wouldn’t be that quick into jumping right into our relationship, but I honestly didn’t even think we were committed to each other. He stared saying that he thinks we should stop talking and then told me that it’s time to let me go because it seems like it’s never going to work out. He says a lot when he’s hurt and it’s every time I tell him that I’m worried about something and it could be nonsense like just messaging each other & he feels like he’s letting me down & guilts himself, I wish he wouldn’t do that because most of the time I’m freaking out over nothing that’s worth to worry about. I don’t know what to do .. I’ve done no contact before when we broke up. I’m in love with this man, but it sucks that right now isn’t the right time for us to be together. I dont know if I should do nc again
Chris Seiter
May 3, 2018 at 12:27 am
Hi Maria….I understand what you mean. Some guys just don’t understand how it best to just listen to their girlfriend and let her express her feelings. I do thing some space would be good. If you have not done so already, take a look at a couple of my ebooks, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” and “The No Contact Rule Book” (my website Menu/Products link) as either of them will likely give you more insight on how to optimize your chances going forward. When the emotions come down and some healing gets in place, I think things will improve, but it helps to have a blueprint to follow!
Caleigh
April 11, 2018 at 12:30 am
My ex and I have been dating for about 6 months with absolutely NO issues. Because he’s very awkward and the type of guy most women do not go for, he didn’t have much experience dating. I saw passed his quirks and fell deeply in love with him. Many times he told me that he was so lucky to have me and hoped we’d get married one day. You can understand my shock when he called me and broke things off out of the blue saying that he needed some time to himself. After an emotional protest, I told him to contact me when he was ready.
For 6 miserable weeks, we had absolutely no contact so I texted him to see how he was doing. He said that he needed more time. I left him alone for another 4 weeks and then contacted him again. This time he told me the truth: he had lost his job after 5 years and had become extremely depressed. During the time of no contact, he was in training for a new job, which he ended up getting but all the way across the country. He never contacted me because he wanted me to move on and find someone else. I expressed that I was very happy for him and I knew he’d do well. He then told me that he would have never been able to have the confidence to get this job if it weren’t for the fact that I loved and supported him all of this time and he thanked me.
One thing he knows about my job is I can easily transfer close to where he’s going. This gave me some hope because I would be more than willing to move with him. The thought must have crossed his mind because before I could even say anything, he explained that since he was starting a new life, he had to see what else was out there. He told me that he didn’t know anyone there yet but he was sure that he’d just keep dating until he found another woman who’d make him happy. Here’s the thing, I believe the chances of finding another woman who loves him as much as I do are small because he is so awkward. However, I know there is still a chance and the thought of him with someone else has me severely depressed. While still on the phone, I tearfully professed my love for him and told him I’d be willing to move with him after a few months. But he told me that he wanted to start fresh and find someone else and there was no chance for us getting back together. It’s been about a week since and I haven’t stopped crying yet. He’s leaving in about 2 weeks and we agreed to see each other once more before he leaves. I have no idea how to convince him to let me join him when we finally see each other. Should I even bother since he’s so determined to move on, or is there anything I can do at this last moment to change his mind?
Chris Seiter
April 11, 2018 at 2:55 am
Hi Caleigh. I know this is a rough period for you right now. But you are going to get through this and no matter what happens, the future can be really bright for you because I can tell you are a wonderful person. Maybe it is best not to try to convince him of anything right now. He may just resist and things get worse. As much as we want to control the decisions of other people, we can’t always be successful. I think of the future as always moving which means neither he or you know just how things will turn out. May be after he gets settled in up there for a spell, you can reach out to him and explore whether he would like you to drop by for a visit to see how he is doing. And going forward, focus on YOU. Your needs. Focus on healing. Gravitate to those things that are fufilling. Become your own best friend. I know you can do this Caleigh.
Ananya
April 10, 2018 at 2:56 pm
Hey. Since I’m an Indian, we’ve got caste issues during marriage.
My boyfriend broke up with me a few weeks back, saying that he recently learned that his family won’t approve of any girl who is from another caste and since we are from different states, he is pretty sure that his parents will be against the relationship.
I am 21, and he is 23. He cried a lot while he broke up and he hasn’t talked to his family about me yet. He misses me, his friends say and keeps asking them about me. He got drunk a few days back and was missing me, but he doesn’t contact me. I followed NC, and haven’t talked to him for 10 days. He hasn’t contacted either. He said we can talk, but we have no future. He met me 10 days back when I asked him to, but behaved like a stranger.
Jennifer Seiter
April 10, 2018 at 6:44 pm
I’ve worked with several clients in the caste system and Chris has worked with a lot of people in the caste system. I have to say it’s one of the more difficult situations since family is involved. Basically he will have to choose you or his family and that is such a difficult thing to do especially if he is close with his family. Your doing great with the no contact. How many days do you plan on doing? I’d recommend 21 days for your particular situation.
Ananya
April 12, 2018 at 9:22 am
I couldn’t resist and talked to him on the 10th day, he still behaves distant, though I’m pretty sure he still misses me. What do I do?
Chris Seiter
April 12, 2018 at 5:00 pm
Hi Ananya….OOOPs you kinda broke NC! Well, you put out a little feeler, so that is not so bad. Just resume your NC and follow the game plan in my ebook, Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro
Ananya
April 30, 2018 at 7:38 am
Hey Chris. I’m currently on day 18 of NC. Recently I posted a picture of my first boyfriend in my story and my ex saw that, and he hasn’t been viewing my stories since. He used to view all my stories before that. I guess he is really angry.
What do I do?
Chris Seiter
April 30, 2018 at 2:41 pm
Ananya…yes, it can take some time for anger/resentment to settle down. Its natural. But people rarely live in that place for a long time. Just stick to the plan outlined in my ebook!
Ananya
May 1, 2018 at 4:12 pm
I recently learned that his friends are brainwashing him and asking him to move on. And he is listening to them and is moving on. What do I do?
Chris Seiter
May 1, 2018 at 5:04 pm
Hi Ananya…friends can try and do that…but in the long run, he will likely figure out what is best for him. There is only so much you can control about what other people do and say. Focus on those things you can control, specifically your own self recovery
Oli
March 28, 2018 at 1:35 am
I was recently dating a guy long distance for about three months. We weren’t official yet. We did have open communication so when he recently pulled away I called him on it and he confessed he didn’t think he could deal with long distance so he wound up breaking things off. He had been contemplating it for a couple weeks I think. But kept texting me regularly because he was till very confused about what to do. He told me he had withdrawn to think about things. So We had an amicable split and I gracefully exited saying I enjoyed my time with him but was sorry to hear he wasn’t interested in trying long distance.
I even said long distance would only be a temporary solution if things worked out but it was too soon to make a serious commitment or know.
I thought we were a good match but maybe I was wrong. I have no idea what to do. This just happened today so I’m putting NC into play. I’m not sure what my next move is to get him to change his mind aside from no contact. Ugh is there even any hole here? Please help
Chris Seiter
April 3, 2018 at 1:45 am
No contact is an incredible strategy but be careful about thinking it’ll manufacture a commitment.
There’s a lot of work that has to be done after NC.
We can game plan for that if you’d like.
Oli
April 3, 2018 at 11:43 pm
Thank you Chris for responding. I can go NC I definitely really. I recently went on vacation and he watched all of my instagram stories aggressively. So I take that as a sign he at least still has some interest. Right now I’m just doing everything I can to be be best version of me that I can. Im at the pin t where I’d really like to be Oli 3.0 so I’m doing this for me. I would definitely like to game plan for what happens after NC because I don’t know how to navigate those waters.
Chris Seiter
April 4, 2018 at 12:45 am
I’d say that is definitely a sign of interest.
Ok, so the basic game plan I teach (with extreme alterations from situation to situation is,)
NC – Texting – Phone Calls – Dates – Commitment
Oli
April 4, 2018 at 7:15 pm
Thank you Chris. I truly appreciate your responses to my incessant questions. I plan on keeping NC for awhile, because I have a lot of things Id like to accomplish while Im not with him. My last questions is Do these methods have the same level of efficacy if we were casually dating for 2 months and not official yet?
Chris Seiter
April 5, 2018 at 11:34 pm
I’d say that they are a little less effective. The one advantage you have is that in comparision to anyone new he may date you will score pretty high considering he will most likely remember the exciting/good times.
Oli
April 20, 2018 at 2:34 am
Hi Chris,
Thank you. I have been focusing on myself, sticking hard to NC and even opened my own business I’ve been wanting to start for years. It’s been so fulfilling. I also changed my hair and it looks fantastoc and I’m feeling a lot more confident in my looks. He still aggressively watches my Instagram stories but I’m focusing on my own happiness without him. I’ve been so preoccupied with my new company I forgot about him for a couple weeks. I guess we will see if he ever reaches out.
Chris Seiter
April 20, 2018 at 4:03 am
I am so happy for you Oli! Great success. A lady did a testimonial for me a few years ago that had a similar situation and her ex came back to her long after the breakup. He could not believe how much she had changed. She too had launched a new business. Just keep being the wonderful “You”…the Ungettable Girl as I talk about in my ebooks.
Kam
February 5, 2018 at 5:09 am
Hey
My ex and I were dating for 8 years (4 years physical and 4 years LD because I was in grad school). Currently we’ve been battling the long distance thing and you’re right when you said it’s no easy. It’s actually the worst. While doing LD he broke up with me because of It twice and then came to me and we came back together. So here we are again in the same situation except I graduated and applied to pharmacy school. The good news is that pharmacy school will put me a solid place for the next 4+ years instead of being in limbo about where I’ll be living next. That was the issue that stopped me from making the move after grad school, I would have to move my job to the branch near him and potentially only be there for 5 months before leaving again. Bad news is that it won’t be near where he lives because there aren’t any pharmacy schools in his city and he knows fully well his city lacks that. My issue is this, the distance is the only thing that we get into it about and what he breaks up with me for. on my end I’m doing my best to get a solid base in an area with job opportunities for him while still going to school. We have been discussing marriage and even right before the breakup (like 3 weeks before literally) he told me he was going to marry me and two months ago he cleared his debt and created a budget to start putting down on a ring. All of the breaks up where he cited the distance have had a pattern as in we’d be fine and then I’d slowly sense his mood change, he’ll stop talking me and BAM break up. How do I go about this? I love this man and believed what he said when HE brought up marriage and ring as well as job hunting to get more money for a wedding. I don’t know if this breakup is the final one and I won’t get my hopes up for reconciliation but at the same time I do love him. How do I get him back and for us to talk seriously and honestly about a plan for success and a future? The breakup happened this morning after the pattern I previously discussed happened. I don’t want to move forward with a relationship anything until we come together like mature adults and create a plan for this year at the very minimum with a solid timeline for things we can both agree on. I don’t want to use marriage as an ultimatum at all but I love him and would love to be his wife. I know we have issues but I think it starts with us talking about how to close this distance successfully as well as dealing with it until it happens. Thank you.
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 7, 2018 at 3:11 pm
Hi Kam,
Does he know your plan about finding a place where he can also while you study?