By Rachel

“I think we should breakup.”

The words echoed in her ears. She stood there shell shocked for a moment. But then she shook her head as if she was clearing an “Etch-A-Sketch” and held out her hand to shake his.

“Okay. If that’s what you want. It’s been a good couple of years. Thanks for the memories. I wish you the best.”

Wouldn’t it be great if we could just turn off our feelings like a light switch? If, as soon as your ex boyfriend told you he didn’t want to be with you anymore, your brain were just able to convince you,

“Oh well, plenty of other fish in the sea. He’s a nice guy, but I choose not to love him anymore since he doesn’t love me.”

That would be great, but unfortunately, real life doesn’t work like that. Unrequited love is a staple of so many romantic comedy movies. Life wouldn’t be nearly as interesting or dramatic if we all could just turn our feelings on and off with the flip of a switch. As appealing as that would be, it would make our lives rather one dimensional, and after some time, I suspect we as humans would begin to feel rather empty and listless.

This is a rather wide-ranging topic – after all, there are plenty of circumstances in which you could still be in love with your ex boyfriend. So let’s start with the most likely reason why you are here…

I Want Him Back

A breakup is a loss. It may look overly dramatic in those aforementioned romantic comedies, but when a relationship ends, you have to mourn that loss. It is the death of a relationship and it is important and healthy to grieve.

But it is also important to examine the relationship.

Maybe you stumbled upon Ex Boyfriend Recovery in the direct aftermath of your breakup, desperate to get him back.

“I love him so much it hurts.”

If that is the case, I encourage you to work the program and give it some time.

Women tend to face the reality of a breakup right away, but after they grieve they move on more completely in the end. Whereas men feel confident in their decision at first, and then come to regret it later on.

So, if you are reading this in the immediate aftermath of your breakup, give it some time before deciding, concretely, that you want to embark on the Ex Boyfriend Recovery journey, and try to get him back.

It is not an easy task.

And it takes a lot of dedication.

So, when you’re ready, start off the Ex Recovery Program with the No Contact rule. Focus on bettering yourself and cut ties with your ex. Take time to reflect on the relationship, and how it ended.

Ask yourself if you really want him back, or if there are other reasons. For example, you could ask yourself,

“Am I afraid to be alone?”

“Do I just not want to date again?”

Am I just afraid I’ll never find someone better?”

Also, consider the relationship in its entirety. Ask yourself if the relationship was healthy, and if it really made you happy, or if it was just comfortable.

Right after the breakup is when a lot of women tend to stumble upon the site, but I urge you to cut off ties with your ex for some No Contact  and get into some self love and reflecting before committing fully to the Ex Boyfriend Recovery problem.

But, what if some time has passed? I’m talking a couple weeks, I’ll discuss longer periods of time later in this article. Let’s say a few weeks have passed and  you’ve looked at your ex and the relationship with a careful eye and you’ve still decided a relationship with him is what you want. In that case, there are tons of articles and resources on this site that can help you. I’m not going to go too in depth with that because a lot of this information is readily available, and the other specific instances in this article may be more helpful for less general situations.

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The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Approach:

First thing’s first, tackle No Contact and focus on becoming a better you. Once that time is up, initiate first contact using one of the techniques outlined here on the site.

Don’t fret if he doesn’t respond to your first attempt. Build rapport via text, phone call, and then finally, initiate meetups. Once you get a meetup, keep things light and happy. Remind your ex of what he lost in subtle ways.

If you need clarification…

Continue meeting up, becoming more and more emotionally intimate (NO SEX) until your ex brings up the idea of getting back together, or you subtly bring it up in a round-about way. Boom. There is the outline of the ex boyfriend recovery process in a nutshell.

So now let’s move on to some more specific instances and what to do about it.

He Has A New Girlfriend

If your ex has a new girlfriend but you still love him, the Being There method is going to be your best friend.

How long ago did the two of you break up?

If it was recent, it is likely that this girl is a rebound, and you shouldn’t worry too much. I know that is easier said than done, but know that it is not out of the norm for a guy to get a rebound, whether physical or emotional, after a breakup.

If it’s been a while, or he and the girl have been together for over… let’s say… six months, she may not be a rebound, or she may be rebound that turned into something deeper. I once dated my “rebound” for years. If this is the case, it may be a tough road ahead as you try to win him back, but it has been done before, and if you love him, it’s worth it to at least try.

The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Approach:

The process starts off the same, No Contact, followed by building rapport over text.

The thing that is important to keep in mind is that men have a harder time allowing themselves to be vulnerable than women do.

I have a theory that this is why they jump into relationships faster after a breakup – women make vulnerability a bit more comfortable. If you can remain in a position where he trusts and confides in you, you have power. The more he does this with you the less he does it with her. Likewise, the closer that makes you to having a more emotionally intimate role in his life.

The other important component of the Being There method is making the other woman insecure. If he’s talking to and hanging out with you, he’s doing less of that with her. Andyou bet your ass she’s going to notice. The more insecure she is, the more likely she’ll lash out at him. This will make her seem possessive and make him go

“gee, I really miss my ex girlfriend…”

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You Have A New Boyfriend

I’m going to start off here by saying that it is totally normal to think about your ex when entering a new relationship. Simply put, you are replacing him in your life.

New boyfriend takes over the mantle old boyfriend.

So, it’s normal to compare them.

You are one half of a relationship equation. You’ve been used to one person and one relationship style, and now you have to adjust to a new one.

Even though Angel left Buffy and Sunnydale at the end of season 3, his memory still haunted Buffy well into season 4. In a scene where she and Willow are on patrol in one of Sunnydale’s many graveyards, they have this exchange in which Buffy is excited about her new relationship with Riley, but still has Angel on her mind:

Buffy: It’s just, different, you know? A picnic. First of all, daylight — kind of a new venue, Buffywise. And the best part — he said he would bring all the food, so all I have to do was to show up and eat. Those are two things I’m really good at.

Willow: So he’s nice?

Buffy: Very, very.

Willow: And there’s sparkage?

Buffy: Yeah. He’s— have you seen his arms? Those are good arms to have. I really like him. I do.

Willow: But..?

Buffy: I don’t know. I really like being around him, you know? And I think he cares about me.. but.. I just.. feel like something’s missing.

Willow: He’s not making you miserable?

Buffy: Exactly. Riley seems so solid. Like he wouldn’t cause me heartache.

Willow: (Fake worry) Get out. Get out while there’s still time.

Buffy: I know…I have to get away from that bad boy thing. There’s no good there. Seeing Angel in LA.. even for five minutes.. hello to the pain.

Willow: The pain is not a friend.

Buffy: But I can’t help thinking — isn’t that where the fire comes from? Can a nice, safe relationship be that intense? I know it’s nuts, but…part of me believes that real love and passion have to go hand in hand with pain and fighting.

It’s also normal to harbor feelings for your ex boyfriend.

After all, you were a large part of each other’s lives for a time.

In fact, I still care for most of my ex’s on some level, but I would not consider myself to be in love with any of them.

If your feelings for your ex go past the occasional comparison, and you find yourself thinking you were better off in your old relationship, you may be in a rebound relationship – with your new guy. If this is the case, you have the responsibility to end things with your new guy as quickly as possible.

You’ve been hurt and you know what it feels like. Don’t make it more painful than it needs to be for him. And don’t hold on to him as a backup plan as you work things out with your ex. End it so that you maintain integrity and begin your next relationship (be it with your ex or not) feeling okay about how your last relationship ended.

I’ve seen the above happen, and I feel badly for all parties. In fact, my ex told me he was still in love with me a week after I went on quite possibly the best first date I’ve ever been on. I chose the new guy and was upfront with my ex. I think this is why it is so important to take the time to heal after a breakup. I know it may be tempting to seek solace in another person, and you may feel lonely, but in the long run, you will be happier if you fully give yourself the opportunity to heal.

So with all of that being said, once you are happily single and have done some reflecting about if you want to be with your ex again, you can embark on the ex boyfriend recovery journey guilt free.

I’m Still In Love After Being Broken Up For A Long Time

I’ve never had this happen to me, but it sounds bittersweet and terribly romantic. Sometimes, two people can love each other very much, but things that are outside of their control keep them from being together. Perhaps it was distance, a job, or other obligations. But if years have passed since the breakup, and you are still in love with your ex, I say go for it.

If it’s been a while, you may have fallen out of touch. The first thing to do is to establish first contact. It should be pretty easy to follow the basic ex boyfriend recovery steps from there. In fact, it may be easier, since you really will be starting fresh.

About six months ago, I got into contact with an old ex I hadn’t talked to in years. I didn’t want him back, but I thought of him and shot him a facebook message with something funny that reminded me of him. We ended up getting coffee and catching up, and it was very pleasant.

However, if you have maintained contact, and you’re still friends, you will want to start all the way at the beginning from the No Contact period. This can be a little harder if you work together or go to school together, or have some other thing that keeps you in contact. If this is the case, do the best you can with a limited No Contact period, and try building positive rapport from there.

One of my favorite articles of Chris’ is when he talks about the timelines for getting your ex back. Believe it or not, getting your ex back fast generally means your relationship will dissolve again at some point in the future, because neither of you really did any work to change and grow. If it’s been a while and you’re still in love with your ex boyfriend, both of you have probably changed, and hopefully for the better. Only time will tell if you are still compatible.

He Doesn’t Love Me Anymore

Remember when we were talking about unrequited love?

In my time in the Ex Recovery Facebook group, I have seen so many guys said

“I don’t love you anymore.”

to their ex’s. I’ve also seen them come crawling back to their ex girlfriends more times than I can count.

I think a lot of guys say this because it’s an easy out.

You can’t argue with it.

If he says he doesn’t love you anymore, that’s it, relationship over. You can’t make him.

My guess is it’s a defense mechanism – a way to shut down emotional conversations, and emotions in general. Most guys say some iteration of this, and maybe it’s true in some cases, but I see it happen time and time again where the guy says this and then they get back together, so I’d take it with a grain of salt for a while (not forever, though!).

If your ex boyfriend claims not to love you anymore, the first step is to give him space and make him face the consequences of his actions by going full No Contact and disappearing from his life. With that time away from you, it’s possible that he will begin to miss you and realize how much he took you for granted. You depend on No Contact a lot in this circumstance.

Then, once the No Contact period is up, you can move on with developing rapport. If time passes and he still insists through meetups and frequent conversations that he does not love you, however, it may be time to start considering moving on without moving on.

Wrapping This Up

Speaking of moving on without moving on, something that we didn’t cover in the above sections that I think is worth mentioning is still being in love with your ex boyfriend when you know that the relationship won’t work, for whatever reason. Maybe it’s unhealthy, or there is distance, or he’s abusive, or you’re simply just not compatible.

But those outside factors can’t change the way you feel about him.

Moving on without moving on is the idea that even though you are still in love with your ex, you are trying to move on with your life, knowing that with time and self love, you will get over him eventually.

The bottom line is, you’re going to be okay no matter what. And luckily, you found a group of experts that are here to help you figure out what your next step is by starting a conversation about your breakup in the comments below.

Let me know a little bit about your breakup and what you’ve done so far. Then tell me what you THINK you should do moving forward. We’ll get you on the right track, whether you decide you want your ex back or not.

43 thoughts on “I’m In Love With My Ex Boyfriend”

  1. Kirsty

    August 3, 2018 at 9:52 am

    I am basically having a lot of trouble getting over a past relationship. We broke up over a year ago, to me he was perfection and our relationship was going beautifully until I went through a very bad mental spell. I have an anxiety disorder among some other issues, and I went into an extremely depressive and awful state. I felt like I hated my boyfriend and I pushed him away, but then I would pull him back again and I just exhausted him. At this time we weren’t official and I was very unsure of what I wanted and of course this was very hard for him. Eventually one night he told me he couldn’t do it anymore and I blew up with anger and we had a huge fight and didn’t speak for a month. In this time I felt kind of happy. I thought he was bad for me but at the same time I knew I still loved him and I thought he would come back to me. Except he didn’t, and within that month he had met a new girl who he instantly fell for, but I didn’t know this at the time. A few weeks later I had a very sudden realisation that I was madly in love with him and that I had made a terrible mistake so I desperately contacted him and poured out my feelings and apologies but obviously it was too late and he broke the news to me. The next 4 or 5 months of my life were hell, I couldn’t believe I had let him go, I couldn’t believe how blind I was to how much I loved him and now he was living someone else. I eventually did get over it and now I have a new boyfriend that I love very much, but just a few days ago I reached out to my ex to apologise for everything that happened between us and we spoke a lot. He told me that when I came back to tell him that i was madly in love with him, that he simply didn’t believe me at the time, he was just so exhausted and hurt from our relationship, but that he did still love me at that time. So basically now I feel that all the pain and emotion of the breakup has come back to me, and speaking to him made me remember why I was so crazy about him. I jut cannot stop obsessing over what I should have done 2 years ago l, how I could have saved the relationship, thinking how was I so blind. We weren’t even together that long, 4 or 5 months, so something that kills me is just the potential that was lost, we never had the chance to properly have a true relationship and I mourn for that potential relationship so hard. I just can’t stop living in the past right now and comparing my current relationship to my past one. I still love my ex and I don’t know how I will ever stop. He is still with the girl he got with immediately after me and that also brings me a lot of pain. I don’t want to believe that we will never have the chance to be together again, I want another chance. That sounds so awful considering I am with a wonderful guy now, but it’s how I feel at this moment.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 4, 2018 at 3:08 am

      Hi Kirsty…it can be hard to put a past relationship behind you, but time is acts as medicine in lessening the attachment you have to your ex. It will get better and there are things you can do to help it along. About half of my eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book” deals with the recovery phase after a breakup. Just writing about it and getting your internal feelings out is therapeutic. Keeping a journal focusing on the positive things you are doing now and into the future helps. New routines…new activities…new people…mediation, exercise…owning a pet..etc.

      You also might want to take a look at joining my Private Facebook Support Group…just go to my site’s home page!

  2. Taylor

    July 29, 2018 at 5:49 pm

    my boyfriend of three years (off and on) broke up with me about three weeks ago saying that he thought we needed a break and that he wasn’t happy and thought we were incompatible and could be toxic. We fought sometimes but it was over small issues we resolved and worked through – and the larger things i used to get upset with him about he has been changing since we broke up. i have been in no contact and have never text gnatted, but he has contacted me twice telling me that he is in love with me and wants to work things out, thinks about me all the time, is working on being a better person, etc., but then the next day will say he has changed his mind and should not have said those things and that he is “confused” and does not know what he wants and if he wants to be with me or someone else. He has also obviously gone out of his way to have mutual friends of ours get in contact with me. He has hooked up with other girls and I just don’t know what to think or do. I want him back badly but I am very confused on where to go from here. We are both in college, I am 20 and he is 21. Should I stay in no contact for a while longer or should I do something different or move on?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      July 29, 2018 at 10:44 pm

      Hi Taylor!

      It does sound like your ex is really confused. So when he is behaving this way, it wise to just continue NC. If you wish, you can show an act of kindness and give him a heads up and let him know you understand he is struggling with his feelings and that you too are working on being the best “you”. It sort of a psychological play. Its hard for him to not like someone who is being kind. Be sure you have a solid ex recovery plan you can follow and guide you. Feel free to visit my home page as I have many resources and books and tools available for you

  3. Margot

    April 28, 2018 at 12:33 am

    My ex and I were together for only a year, but I was the happiest I had ever been, I’d loved before but never like this. It’s been 2 years now and he refuses to talk to me and has a girlfriend, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve just gotten out of a relationship of 7 months and I still feel exactly the same about the first ex. I don’t know what to do, I’ve tried to move on by seeing other people but I just can’t seem to let him go 🙁

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 28, 2018 at 4:19 am

      Hi Margot! You really should look into joining my Private Facebook Support Group. It consists of about 1500 people (mostly women) who have been through all kinds of breakup situations and there is a lot of synergy in this Group. I do weekly live Facebooks to keep the conversation stimulated and answering questions. Just go check it out (website Menu/Products link). I think you will benefit.

  4. Amy

    April 23, 2018 at 1:55 am

    My ex and I were together for 2 years. It was a difficult situation that caused me to break up with him even though I didn’t want to. I moved out and he immediately jumped into a new relationship. We have kept in contact through out the past year, emails, texts, while he has been with this girl and at times he will tell me hes unhappy with her. 2 weeks ago, I text him Happy Birthday and woke up to texts, pokes and a Facebook friend request. I approved the request but stay away from his page. Lately he has been liking most of my posts and pictures. I’m still very much in love with this man and am so confused as to what his behavior means, if anything. I don’t want to give up hope, but I don’t want to lead myself on. Help!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 23, 2018 at 5:12 am

      Amy, it seems to suggest he wants to revisit things with you. So try a direct but somewhat complimentary way of inquiring about it. Say something like, “You have been so sweet to me lately! I could swear you are curious about revisiting things with us? This way, you can get answer as to where he stands, if should “bite” on your message. That way, you will know a little more about what his mindset is.

  5. Emily

    March 15, 2018 at 10:17 pm

    My boyfriend of nearly a year broke up with me two weeks ago. He said “I’m not feeling it anymore” and has told people that he felt as though he put in all the effort in our relationship. I’ve loved him from the day we met when we were 12 and we’ve always been close. He never spoke about his unhappiness even though we shared everything. We never argued or disagreed. I haven’t spoken to him since but being we share classes I am forced to see him and hear him. I love him so much it hurts and over the past week he has chosen to begin flirting with one of my closest friends and I know I have no control over it. I want him back but not at the cost of my sanity. What went wrong?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 16, 2018 at 3:31 pm

      Hi Emily,

      How old are you both?

  6. B

    March 14, 2018 at 11:41 pm

    My boyfriend of 2.5 years and I broke up about 3 months ago. We had been fighting a lot and it was kind of mutual until I realized I really didn’t want it. I did a month of no contact and then we slowly started interacting more. So far we are on good terms and see each other often. The main problem is we had the same friend group and they all basically chose him in all of this. We go to a very small school so it’s so hard for me to avoid them. Our mutual best friend even said she was in love with him and just left me. He says he really has no interest in her and told her that but still is around her because of the friend group. I am still so in love with him and I’m just waiting for him to come back. He even kissed me a few days ago. I know he still has feelings for me he’s just stuck behind old bad feelings. I’ve grown a lot in this time but that doesn’t mean I don’t love him and want to be with him…I truly believe we have a connection that isn’t gone…

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 15, 2018 at 4:05 pm

      Hi B,

      How have you grown? How many new friends, hobbies and skills have you made? How long have you been since you ended nc?

  7. Dallas

    February 6, 2018 at 3:02 pm

    My boyfriend broke up with me via text after 6 months about a week ago. His reason simply being that he doesn’t think he can make me happy, and isn’t emotionally ready to give me “what I want”. He thinks I want to get married soon (which I don’t) but we have never talked about that. Coincidentally, this breakup also happened the exact same night that his brother got engaged. Maybe that had something to do with it? He sprung all of this on me out of the blue after I had a tough month in my personal life and really just needed him to be there for me. I have initiated NC but it has only been a few days. I sent him a text to let him know I was returning his stuff, but got no reply. I know that if I reach out to him, he won’t respond, so I went ahead and started NC. We were long distance and I have a plane ticket to see him in 40 days. I want to do NC for as long as possible, but I want to still go see him. I’m so in love with him. I felt confident he was the person I needed in my life. I don’t know what to do.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 8, 2018 at 12:19 pm

      Hi Dallas,

      If you’re going to see him, that means you’re breaking nc.. For now, just focus in improving yourself and in posting.. Decide about that when you’ve already done at least 30 days.

  8. Lahna

    January 20, 2018 at 5:36 pm

    My boyfriend broke up with me in a text message abruptly one month before our 5th anniversary 9 months ago and blocked me from his life (facebook, instagram, text message, phone calls) to the point where I had no choice but to try move on without any closure. I made desperate hysterical attempts for a week to try and contact him which was a mistake and only made matters worse but I was heartbroken and in so much pain I didn’t see it coming. Our relationship had been through some strain but for the most part I thought we were solid because of how much we loved each other and there was never any real drama. I reached out to his best friend through facebook who has always had a dislike of me from the very start which was one of the strains on our relationship though it rarely came up in conversation and we both treated it as a nonissue even though his best friend is probably the most important person in his life. Usually everyone likes me and I try to be as kind and inclusive with people as I can be so when people dislike me it really hurts and confuses me and instead of being the bigger person and trying to win them over I end up just giving them a real reason to dislike me by treating them the same way they treat me or with indifference. This is what I did with his best friend and I know it probably put me in a bad light and ultimately really backfired and hurt me in this break up and it’s one of the things I regret most because I could have done better. When I reached out to my boyfriends best friend for answers thinking that he might actually be understanding of my situation he called me names and threatened me with a restraining order if I kept calling “his friend” (my ex of only a couple of days). I immediately stopped trying after that and went no contact. My boyfriend was my best friend and he told me I was his. It has been the biggest blow of my life and I haven’t been able to get over it. He made me so many promises and he was the last person who I ever thought would abandon me and dump me so callously without even wanting to have a friendship of any kind which is something that has hurt me even more because we had even talked about it and how we would be there for each other no matter what happens between us and so this whole situation feels so foreign and inexplicable to me. It doesn’t feel like my life. If there wasn’t so much baggage with his friend’s dislike of me I would 100% want him back and due to this I don’t know what to do. I also harbor so much resentment for the way he left me that I dont know if I’d ever feel secure in the relationship knowing how he can leave me like that but still I love him so much and I feel like he just hates me and wants nothing to do with me. Nine months later and even though I am in a better place and still working on my self improvement he’s still the one I think about when I wake up and before I go to sleep and I feel like I don’t have a heart anymore.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 21, 2018 at 9:04 am

      Hi lahna,

      When was that you contacted his friend? And when was the last time you tried to with your ex? How much did you improve yourself and how active are you in posting even if you’re blocked? Did you make those posts public?

  9. Stephanie

    January 17, 2018 at 5:07 pm

    Hi, I have been chasing my ex-boyfriend whom I dated from 2013-2014 for 2 weeks so far and it’s been killing me! I have always been the ‘receiver’ not just while we were dating but for the past 4 years! I’m writing to suggest that you blog on what to do when an ex-boyfriend becomes a clingy best friend (no sex or physical affection involved) and how to make him your boyfriend again. I’ve scoured the web for advice on my situation but there was literally nothing and just stuff on a best friend becoming a boyfriend.

    So back to my story, my ex boyfriend and I started dating in June 2013 but the passion gradually faded as the relationship got less physical. However, he remained super clingy and texted me like crazy. I was unhappy about the lack of physical affection and how he rarely said sweet things to assure me that he loved me. Eventually we became best friends without making it clear to each other that we have officially broken up and he remained unconditionally there for me. He would text me every morning when he wakes up and still addresses me to this very day by the nickname he came up with from when we were still dating as a couple. All my friends were convinced that he still likes me since he would always offer to go over and beyond for me. Examples include him offering to pick me up from work at the subway near my home almost every other day and driving me a long way to pick up a friend from the airport and an even longer way back to send my friend home. He would come out from home to pick me up at 11pm when I was depressed at work in the office or feeling ill. I found it very hard to start a relationship with someone else with him being around me 24/7. Unfortunately, there were times when I found him very annoying, abused his kindness and had even told him on multiple occasions that I didn’t like him without him popping the question. At some point I blocked his number so that he couldn’t call me but he continued to do so by using a no caller ID. When I finally did manage to start dating someone else in mid 2016, I kept this from him and we continued our bff relationship. He would call me up every night and disrupt my FaceTime with my new boyfriend. When I secretly went on holidays with my new boyfriend and kept this from him, he would offer to treat me to vacations with him. In the end, I broke it off with the new bf, which started off as a long distance relationship for 6 months out of the 13 months we were together. No one could hold a candle up to my bff.

    Then a switch suddenly just flipped in my head one day – an epiphany. I realized I was searching desperately for something that I already had: unconditional tender loving care from my ex bf turned bff. So I made the plan to get back with him for good. During our relationship, he sucked at telling me that he loved me and rarely showed any physical affection. But then I asked myself – who would pester you for 4 years after a relationship becomes platonic and remain unconditionally there for you if he doesn’t in fact love you ? I came to the conclusion that he did in fact love me and had shown this through everything that he has done for me these 4 long years. After all, we all know that actions always speak louder than words. I decided that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

    After months of observing him and ensuring that he didn’t have any one else i.e. we would go on one day overnight trips nearby and spend weekends doing bf gf things (though without physical contact), I was convinced that he still liked me and getting back with him was going to work. The night before I decided to confess, I asked him whether he still liked me the way he did before when we were dating and he said yes. However when I confessed to him the next day, and to my utter dismay, he rejected me saying I was just a sister. I was devastated and asked whether it was because he had a girlfriend, to which he said no. When I asked him whether he wanted my physical affection, he also said no. I couldn’t come to grips with this and was infuriated with him. Over the next seven days, I couldn’t figure why he had to say these things to me and blocked him so as to forget him. This started to kill me as I was eager for an explanation as to why he’d spend so much time with me if he didn’t like me. My ex turned bff completely ruined my Christmas as I wallowed in sorrow. It was not until after a week later that he finally admitted he had been dating another girl for six months after being forced for an answer. He hadn’t told his girlfriend about me and admitted to liking both of us. After I told him I never want to talk to him again and will block him for good, he called me up saying that he will break up with his girlfriend but needs time . We met face to face to talk through this. When I asked him how long he needed to deal with this girlfriend of his, he initially said 3 months and then decided to do with 1 month after seeing me get up to leave in disgust.

    He isn’t doing anything right now to rebuild the trust or compensate for the pain he has caused me and it’s only me chasing him. Please tell me what I should do and whether this is worth it. Nothing has really changed and our bff relationship is still on-going during this “wait for me to break up” period. This is driving me nuts and I don’t want to get hurt.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 18, 2018 at 11:46 am

      Hi Stephanie,

      move on from him… Years of seeing you with no sex? But you did it before right? Even if he has gf now, that either means he’s gay or he friendzoned you…

  10. Stephanie

    January 17, 2018 at 4:04 pm

    Hi, I have been chasing my ex-boyfriend whom I dated from 2013-2014 for 2 weeks so far and it’s been killing me! I have always been the ‘receiver’ not just while we were dating but for the past 4 years! I’m writing to suggest that you blog on what to do when an ex-boyfriend becomes a clingy best friend (no sex or physical affection involved) and how to make him your boyfriend again. I’ve scoured the web for advice on my situation but there was literally nothing and just stuff on a best friend becoming a boyfriend.

    So back to my story, my ex boyfriend and I started dating in June 2013 but the passion gradually faded as the relationship got less physical. However, he remained super clingy and texted me like crazy. I was unhappy about the lack of physical affection and how he rarely said sweet things to assure me that he loved me. Eventually we became best friends without making it clear to each other that we have officially broken up and he remained unconditionally there for me. He would text me every morning when he wakes up and still addresses me to this very day by the nickname he came up with from when we were still dating as couple. All my friends were convinced that he still likes me since he would always offer to go over and beyond for me. Examples include him offering to pick me up from work at the subway near my home almost every other day and driving me a long way to pick up a friend from the airport and an even longer way back to send my friend home. He would come out from home to pick me up at 11pm when I was depressed at work in the office or feeling ill. I found it very hard to start a relationship with someone else with him being around me 24/7. Unfortunately, there were times when I found him very annoying, abused his kindness and had even told him on multiple occasions that I didn’t like him without him popping the question. At some point I blocked his number so that he couldn’t call me but he continued to do so by using a no caller ID. When I finally did manage to start dating someone else in mid 2016, I kept this from him and we continued our bff relationship. He would call me up every night and disrupt my FaceTime with my new boyfriend. When I secretly went on holidays with my new boyfriend and kept this from him, he would offer to treat me to vacations with him. In the end, I broke it off with the new bf, which started off as a long distance relationship for 6 months out of the 13 months we were together. No one could hold a candle up to my bff.

    Then a switch suddenly just flipped in my head one day – an epiphany. I realized I was searching desperately for something that I already had: unconditional tender loving care from my ex bf turned bff. So I made the plan to get back with him for good. During our relationship, he sucked at telling me that he loved me and rarely showed any physical affection. But then I asked myself – who would pester you for 4 years after a relationship becomes platonic and remain unconditionally there for you if he doesn’t in fact love you ? I came to the conclusion that he did in fact love me and had shown this through everything that he has done for me these 4 long years. After all, we all know that actions always speak louder than words. I decided that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

    After months of observing him and ensuring that he didn’t have any one else i.e. we would go on one day overnight trips nearby and spend weekends doing bf gf things (though without physical contact), I was convinced that he still liked me and getting back with him was going to work. The night before I decided to confess, I asked him whether he still liked me the way he did before when we were dating and he said yes. However when I confessed to him the next day, and to my utter dismay, he rejected me saying I was just a sister. I was devastated and asked whether it was because he had a girlfriend, to which he said no. When I asked him whether he wanted my physical affection, he also said no. I couldn’t come to grips with this and was infuriated with him. Over the next seven days, I couldn’t figure why he had to say these things to me and blocked him so as to forget him. This started to kill me as I was eager for an explanation as to why he’d spend so much time with me if he didn’t like me. My ex turned bff completely ruined my Christmas as I wallowed in sorrow. It was not until after a week later that he finally admitted he had been dating another girl for six months after being forced for an answer. He hadn’t told his girlfriend about me and admitted to liking both of us. After I told him I never want to talk to him again and will block him for good, he called me up saying that he will break up with his girlfriend but needs time . We met face to face to talk through this. When I asked him how long he needed to deal with this girlfriend of his, he initially said 3 months and then decided to do with 1 month after seeing me get up to leave in disgust.

    He isn’t doing anything right now to rebuild the trust or compensate for the pain he has caused me and it’s only me chasing him. Please tell me what I should do and whether this is worth it. Nothing has really changed and our bff relationship is still on-going during this “wait for me to break up” period. This is driving me nuts and I don’t want to get hurt.

  11. EK

    January 11, 2018 at 4:38 pm

    Hi !!
    I have been reading a lot of your articles and it has been helping me to an extent. I was with this guy for two years. Basically he was two timing me and this other girl during the first year, and I found out that he lied after 8 months or so. He kinda left me and came running back as soon as I confronted him. He broke my trust but I never stopped loving. He slowly started to change and he did change for the better in many aspects. But I found it hard to believe he won’t leave me again. Suddenly a week back, we got into this argument and when I asked if he is out of love and done with me he said ‘yeh I guess’.
    Since then I asked him to block me on all social media. However he didn’t block me on facebook for some reason. He hasn’t said a word to me and I haven’t talked to him for a total of 6 days now even though I really want to. Idk what to do except wait and see. After he left I never asked him to take me back or anything. I just said how much I love and miss him. This is all in a nutshell.
    What do you think?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 11, 2018 at 7:59 pm

  12. Lilly

    January 9, 2018 at 12:53 am

    Hi team,
    My ex fiance and I are together for 4 yrs, he broke up with me last November. Starting December, I tried NC (3 weeks), but during the holidays, he contacted me, but I was not able to stop myself to respond. He greeted me, and told me that he was sorry for hurting me – just sorry for what he had done, for breaking up with me just like that, with his reason “it’s not you it’s me” and that he doesn’t want to commit and that he has fallen out of love. He was not like, “I’m sorry, let’s get back together” he’s been telling me that any guy would be lucky to be my boyfriend, and that I should tell him if I already have a new boyfriend. He also dropped by my house to give me his gift and some of my things – just brief, 5 minutes. Now, after New Year, I started again with NC, he messaged me twice, which I ignored: first to apologize again for hurting me, then a video of his dogs. His family is still messaging me on facebook. Telling me that they love me and that they want us to be together again. That he and his parents had a fight because of what he did to me. They also accused him of cheating on me. His sisters are telling me that he has changed: before, he would go home straight from work – now he will go home at dawn. He doesn’t tell them where he is going or who he is with – which is unlikely of him. When he’s asked he would always be angry at them. It’s like he’s a different person. He would suddenly go out of town, not telling who he’s with and when he’ll come back. His family and I are worrying about him, but I also do not want to contact him because of NC. I am also scared that he’s with another girl. Does what he’s family does (always talking about me at home, asking him questions about us, having a fight with him because of our breakup) affect his feelings towards me? Instead of missing me, will he be irritable/pissed when reminded of me? I am anxious of what’s happening to him, and also what he feels about me. Help please.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 10, 2018 at 8:22 pm

      Hi Lilly,

      if he’s dating, she’s probably just a rebound. Focus in yourself because that’s what you can control. Be productive and very active in improving yourself and in posting.. It would be better if you stop talking to his family too. You can politely tell them you’ll need to stop talking to them to heal and hope they understand and thank them for everything because you’re going to look like you’re using them to get him back if he continues to hear from them that you’re talking to his family.

  13. Stuck

    January 8, 2018 at 10:47 am

    Hi EBR,

    My ex and I were together for just a month in February last year. I think the relationship started off as a rebound from an ex, and we were falling out quite a lot during our relationship as he has deep-rooted depression and anxiety which lead him to being a little controlling and insanely jealous, but I did end up falling for him and it was intense and we were very compatible overall disregarding these things, we had a lot of common interests and he treated me well. He told me I was ‘The One’ a few times and he said he was in love with me. However, his jealousy meant I had to lie to him about a friend I was in contact with who I had once been dating, but didn’t see him “that way” anymore. That friend was going through a very hard time and I was helping him through it, and once he was on the mend I came clean to my ex about my past with that guy because my ex had always had reservations about our friendship. As soon as I told my ex we had been dating in the past, he broke up with me claiming due to this lie he wouldn’t be able to trust me again. I understand that lying wasn’t the right thing to do, however due to his jealousy and my friend in need, I felt at the time it was what I had to do and I thought by being honest with him once it was over, he would be understanding of the situation. Anyway, fast-forward a few months, over summer I fell apart because I was so in love with my ex still. After we broke up he asked to be friends because he wanted me in his life still. I struggled to do this but went ahead with it. It messed with my head because any period of time where we’d talk a lot I would get my hopes up as he seemed happy to be talking to me and then he would back away again. I asked to meet up time to time and he would agree but cancel on me the day before because (same reason every time) ‘It didn’t feel like a good idea, it was too soon to meet up and he knew it was for the best’. After a little time he met someone else and that only lasted a couple of weeks, and then he decided we couldn’t be friends anymore. This all hurt me badly but I still wanted him back. It’s been nearly a year now and he still plays on my mind. I did everything I could think of to try and get him back, over many months. He never contacts me first but I ping him a message every now and then but get short answers in return. Never anything horrible, he said once he forgave me for what happened and doesn’t hate me, but won’t be able to forget about the lie. I’m not sure what to do. I did the no-contact thing on and off for a while but never got the return I wanted. I feel like he’s gone for good 🙁 What’s your prognosis? What should I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 9, 2018 at 10:10 pm

      Hi Stuck,

      are you going to stop chasing him to stick to nc this time? And check this one:
      This Is How To Make Him Trust You Again

  14. Lilly

    January 1, 2018 at 1:33 am

    Hi Amor,

    To answer your question, I had 19 days NC, then after that another 3 days NC. He has been messaging me every other day. And had been sorry the whole time. I do not want to move on. But is there still a chance? He’s been praising me of how a wonderful girlfriend I was and that I never gave him problems, that it was all him, and his cheating (he did it once, 2 years ago, for 2 weeks). There’s somewhat finality in his words that I would meet a new, better boyfriend. But I want him.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 2, 2018 at 6:28 pm

      Well it looks like you have a chance, it’s just you rushed it.. Right now, when you replied, that’s not nc anymore because he knows you’re still going to reply and he doesn’t feel that he’s really losing you because you’re still friendly… Tell him being friends is not workable for you right now and thank him for everything and then restart 30 days nc

  15. Lilly

    December 31, 2017 at 4:11 pm

    Hi team,

    My ex fiance has been contacting me every other day. He’s been friendly and the tension of our conversations has lessened. He has been telling me to inform him if I already have a new boyfriend, and that he’ll tell me if he already has a new girlfriend. He’s also been telling me again and again that I had been a really great girlfriend, that the problem was never me. He keeps on apologizing for hurting me and tells me that I will thank him in the future because I deserve someone who will love me as much as I give my love and I deserve someone who will not cheat on me like he did. It seems like there’s already finality in his words that he’s not having the idea of getting back together. Should I move on already or is there a way to save the relationship? I do not want to let go of him because I love him so much. I need your help.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 31, 2017 at 11:13 pm

      Hi Lilly,

      Have you done nc? If yes, how many times and how long? Because it’s either you do one last or move on.

  16. Bianca Lauro

    December 29, 2017 at 6:00 pm

    Hi:
    My ex boyfriend and I had started dating in October of 2015. I ended up moving to his city to be closer to him and I moved in with him in August of 2016. He broke up with me October 2016 because he thought I didn’t want to be in Beverly but it wasn’t true. I moved down the street and then we got back together 3 weeks later (he contacted me) and continued dating until March1st of 2017. He broke up with me again because he was my main source of happiness and I wasn’t taking care of myself. We got back together again on July 5th after I did no contact for a while. We were together up until just after this Thanksgiving because I want to go to medical school and he wants to stay in Beverly and not be in a relationship where I might have to go far away. I still love him but I dk what to do. I feel like he has dumped me three times now he says he still loves me and knows I love him too but says I need to be with someone who will support my decisions like medical school. Thoughts? I still live 2 streets over from him (less than 0.5 miles).

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 31, 2017 at 9:16 pm

  17. Medusa1983

    December 28, 2017 at 12:36 pm

    Me and my ex split up about 4 months ago after being together for nearly 10 years, we were engaged and were supposed to get married next year. He found a message on my phone from another guy and i admitted, that i cheated on him. He asked me why and i was honest and told him why. he stopped giving me attention started being very lazy didn’t want to go out to cinema or movies or for a walk didn’t look after himself and let himself go. He used to do martial arts and due too illness he stopped and when he was feeling better he didn’t continue. he was more on his phone playing games till 2 am in the morning then staying in bed with . Always falling asleep on the sofa and not coming to bed. getting up every day late to go work not ambitious. i could go and on and on.Since we split up he is a changed man he started doing his martial arts, started looking after himself getting up early to go to work, more ambitious again all i mentioned above he changed now. In the beginning he asked me to get back together and i said no as he didn’t make any changes. He started dating this new girl and makes a lot more effort with her then he ever has done with me. Is she a rebound i guess so. He wants to stay friends as he said im his soulmate. i want to get back because i see the changes he made and because i know i love him and cant live without him. what should i do is there any way for us getting back. His new girlfriend already said that he is hang up on me, is this a good sign for us getting back or shall i give up and move on ?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 28, 2017 at 8:12 pm

      Hi Medusa,

      yeah, that’s a good sign.. are you gong to do the no contact rule?

  18. Denise

    December 26, 2017 at 1:35 pm

    I was in brief, intense relationship about a year and a half ago. There were flags. No one I knew liked him. It ended rough and abrupt; he was a jerk and I dumped him, but I really liked him. A few months later, he tried to tell me he had changed, but I didn’t really believe him. That didn’t seem like enough time. I made the mistake of looking at his FB pic about a month ago and it is the same one from a trip we took a year ago. I’m not in it but I was there and this is a dude used to change his pic all the time. I’m not sure how I feel about this and how I should approach this. Thoughts?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 27, 2017 at 9:53 pm

      Hi Denise,

      If you want to see, talk to him and observe over time if he really has changed

  19. JJ

    December 23, 2017 at 2:37 am

    Hey Rachel,

    My ex and I broke up 9 months ago because we were under a lot of strain from mental illness and stress, and suddenly he changed his mind about what he wanted for his future. We were together 3.5 years. We were living together and the breakup was terrible. Mostly just devastatingly sad but also some yelling.

    Since then we’ve been hooking up and he decided we should stop because he needs to figure out his feelings and also wants to take a stab at dating this other woman. Before that we would see each other every 2-3 weeks where we would hang out and be intimate. I tried not to be too pushy because he said he wouldn’t consider reconciling for at least a year. But now he’s trying to go out and date this other woman. Also he says he wants very much to be friends.

    Throughout this time I’ve done a lot of self improvement and generally I feel happy and everyone can see the change in my attitude. I’m doing fun things and feel really good at work most of the time. I’ve been applying the methods of communicating that EBR recommends, push pull and trying to make my conversation exciting and interesting.

    I felt like we were really starting to reconnect before he dipped. Pretty much everyone just tells me to move on. He lied a lot and didn’t take care of himself leaving me to manage the house and both of our emotions. In my head I think I should just move on but I can’t get past this feeling that we could be so great together – we get along great and care about each other a lot, and share the same values and outlooks on the world.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 26, 2017 at 5:18 pm

  20. SOS

    December 22, 2017 at 10:06 pm

    When me and my ex are building rapport should it feel like we are just friends? When we talk conversation just flows and never awkward. At first I was really happy thinking we were building rapport. But as time goes by I get more and more worries that he only sees me as a platonic friend and that I’ve been friend-zoned. What do u guys think?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 26, 2017 at 4:50 pm

      At first, you have to attraction to as time goes by.. That’s why you need to move from text to calls and to meet ups

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