By Janell

I get so jealous of people who can break up on good terms. You know, the couples that say things like, 

“Oh, we broke up, but it was mutual.”

How do you “mutually” agree to end a relationship?
How is it possible that after everything you’ve been through together you just decide,
“Eh, we gave it a try. Let’s just stop this bus here?”
I know. I know. There is more to it than that. It is likely much more complicated than the way I imagine it. And, okay yes, people really do break up mutually, without finding any fault with each other. It just… isn’t the right fit.
For me, it’s always been the more complicated route that gets you to the same destination.
Blame is a tricky thing. Sometimes it is your fault and sometimes people just assume it is your fault. It doesn’t always matter if it is true or not.
What I’ve found is that, after a breakup, both parties find reasons to feel at fault, regardless of who’s fault it was.
So, as the title of this article stated, today we are going to address gaining some clarity and perspective if you are shouldering some fault, whether it’s yours to bear or not.
Perhaps that’s why you’re here reading this article because you feel like it was your fault your ex broke up with you? Or maybe it’s that you were the one who caused the breakup and you’re wondering if there is something you can do to fix it.
Whatever the reason you find yourself here reading this article today, there is something at EBR for you. This is what we are going to cover today:
  1. No, The Breakup Wasn’t Really My Fault, But It Feels Like It Was
  2. If We Are Being Honest, We Were Both At Fault
  3. Yes, The Breakup Was Definitely My Fault, Is There Anything I Can Do?
  4. What Can I Do To Get Him Back?

Blame and fault aren’t really black and white like I thought they were when I was younger.

Let me explain what I mean by that.

If you’re wondering how you to find out if you are the one at fault for the relationship ending, I would suggest you do a little reflecting on your relationship and do it while you’re in No Contact. I spent my own No Contact period thinking about my relationship from different points of view, not just my own.
If you’re completely new to the EBR program, No Contact is pretty easy to understand:
No Contact is a period of time in which you ignore your ex DELIBERATELY in an attempt to make them miss you more and ultimately allow them time to erase any bad feelings they have towards you. It also simultaneously provides you an avenue to emotionally recover and grow as an individual.
During this time you’re not only giving your ex time to miss you while he’s healing from the breakup. You’re giving yourself time to heal too.
It is a good chance to really dissect the good and the bad aspects of the relationship, just don’t dwell on it too long. You can get stuck there. Reflecting on it gives you a good sense of clarity.
 The trick is to avoid the what-ifs.
“What if I always picked too many fights with him?”
“What if I showed him I didn’t trust him when I kept checking his phone?”
“What if I nagged him too much and he got sick of it?”
“What if I pushed him into a relationship he wasn’t ready for?”
The last two were personal for me. I asked myself those questions a lot during my reflection.
Like I said earlier, it’s just a chance for you to take a look at your relationship and see if there were parts already in danger.
It’s easy to be a little self-absorbed in a relationship. I mean, not many people make a habit of seeing things from other peoples’ perspectives. Hopefully reflecting on your relationship in this manner can give you a little understanding of where the blame really lies.
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The Breakup Wasn’t Really Your Fault, But It Feels Like It Was

There are plenty of reasons you could be feeling like the breakup was your fault when it wasn’t.

I mean, you can’t do things 100% right 100% of the time. You are only human.

Are You Blaming Yourself For The Breakup?

I definitely blamed myself after mine and it got me nowhere in my healing process.
When my ex broke up with me, he basically cited our religious beliefs as one of the reasons he wanted to end it, among other things.
It was really a combination of several things. We both had busy weekend schedules. He had his golf, I was working on the weekends. Every weekend, even though he knew I had been working, he would ask if I had gone to church. I had mentioned to him once before that I really wanted to go back. He eventually started going back to church on his own, but I couldn’t follow suit because I was scheduled to work every single weekend.
When we broke up, I was convinced my not going to church was the reason our relationship fell apart. I spent months blaming myself for that.
“If only I made going to church a piority for him.”
It’s a normal reaction to think this way. It’s human. Children blame themselves for their parents splitting up when there are plenty of reasons that they have no clue about. It is ridiculous how many times we blame only ourselves for things that we did and things that we didn’t even do or things that didn’t even matter.
In my case, I was trying to protect my ex from being “the bad guy” in the whole situation. Personally, I didn’t want my family and friends to think of him as the reason I was hurting. I did this even though he had made himself the bad guy in the first place by hurting me. I wanted him to be the good guy I always thought he was, which is probably why I spent way more time blaming myself than blaming him.
Yes, as humans, we can be a little self-centered. But when it comes to people we care about, we rarely hesitate in putting their feelings above our own. So, you could be blaming yourself needlessly when you really didn’t do anything wrong.
Then again you could be blaming yourself because you don’t want to see that maybe this relationship wasn’t very good for you in the first place
Then again, maybe you’re blaming yourself because you’re scared or too comfortable living in the past to start something new with someone else.
Whatever, the cause for your hesitancy, if you did not actually do anything wrong then blaming yourself isn’t going to make things better for you. In fact, it’s more likely to make you feel worse… and worse.

Is Your Ex Blaming You For Something That Wasn’t Your Fault

Most of the time, when relationships end, it has a lot to do with mistrust and misunderstanding. 
This can be caused by:
Miscommunication – This is the main reason for relationships falling apart. Healthy communication is something that is necessary for a relationship to thrive.
Outside Forces – What I mean by that is that other people could have pumped information, opinions, or even rumors into your relationship during and probably even after the breakup. When that happens, expectations and even opinions of each other can be skewed. Your ex may be blaming you because of misinformation from those outside sources.
 In this case, your ex probably already has his mindset, so it is better to let him cool off. Remember in No Contact, part of it is to “ultimately allow them time to erase any bad feelings towards you.” If he is feeling negative about you right now, whether or not it was your fault, you need to let him have this time to himself. If you don’t, you could push him into further resistance to talk to you and could create more bad feelings towards your instead of erasing them.
 No Contact is 21, 30, 45 days. Once you let enough time pass, using the No Contact Method, you can reach out using the Process laid out in Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro. 
Like I said, miscommunication is a big part of why relationships fail in the first place. Use your time during No Contact to learn how to communicate healthily within a relationship.
You should work on The Holy Trinity. If you aren’t sure what that is, watch the video below.

Then, when you have completed No Contact, re-established rapport, and are considering getting back together…
…well, for one, you should come back and tell us about it…
…and two, you should talk CALMLY and REASONABLY about the parts you both played in the decline of your relationship. TOGETHER, talk about what you can do to improve in the future.
It’s important to listen to his side and make an effort to understand where he is coming from. Remember, the goal here is not to lay blame, but to find solutions to the problems of the past.
 Just remember – give him time, give him space. Don’t push him because it will ultimately just push him into a state of resentment. And don’t draw out the conversation. If you are struggling to communicate, then sometimes it is best to leave the past in the past. Admit that there were mistakes made, that both of you played a part, and that you will work together to overcome them as you move forward together.

The Breakup Was Definitely Your Fault, What Can You Do?

So, you do know that you messed up and it was all your fault? What can you do then?

Own Up to Your Actions

Own up to your faults. Do not try to deny it or pretend like it never happened. If you truly want your ex back, you shouldn’t run away or avoid the problem. As I always say, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” And as others say, actions speak louder than words.
Don’t just admit that you screwed up. Change your behavior.
Like I mentioned in the previous section it will take time for your ex to heal from that emotional wound. But if it is too big, you’re probably going to have to give your ex a long No Contact to get over it.
Even then, if you have not made changes to your behavior, your ex will not see a reason to get back together.

You Cheated On Him

Specifically, if you cheated on him, that emotional pain is going to take a long time to heal from. Give him his space and time to reflect, which will give you time to reflect on your actions and its consequences. This is also a good time to perform an “Act of Contrition” if you will, or a way to show that your actions were a one-time thing and you fully intend for it to never happen again.
 
It’s highly suggested in Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro to cut off any and all ties with the person you cheated with. So when you do your No Contact period, you have practiced it on both your ex (to let him recover) and the person you cheated with (because you want to end that relationship entirely.) After that has been settled, you will then have to practice something called a “Mindset Shift”, which is changing or eliminating any type of behavior that might lead your ex to believe you will cheat again.
You don’t want to give him any more reasons to think that you’re going to repeat the betrayal. You will be tempted during No Contact to go out and live the single life. However, in the case of cheating, you will want to focus on self-improvement and avoid situations that might lead to more. Your ex is unlikely to consider any interaction with men during No Contact kindly.

Can I Still Get Him Back?

I don’t pretend to know all of your situations. However, we have seen nearly every situation there is here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

The answer is yes!

No matter what your situation, there is always a chance.

There is one way that you can diminish that chance before you ever get through No Contact. And that is to allow your emotions lead you to break No Contact.

Read this article on How To Stay In No Contact. It will help you avoid the most common mistake people make trying to get their ex back.

You might know this already, but I feel like it needs to be repeated: It won’t be an easy fix and it will take time for your ex to even consider getting back together with you if he thinks you are at fault in some way. So while these steps will help get you at peace with your ex, it might take him longer to finally forgive you for everything and give you another chance. So, be patient.
As long as you follow the EBR process and remember to be patient in the process, no matter how impossible it seems.

The Take-Away

When it comes to finding fault after a breakup, people tend to see fault where it isn’t, even in themselves. After reading this article you should be prepared to:

  1. Learn How To Communicate Healthily in a Relationship
  2. Admit Any Contribution You Had to the Failure of The Relationship
  3. Commit to the EBR Process Completely
  4. Most Importantly, Be Patient

Only then, will your chances of getting your ex improve. For now, I want to start a conversation in the comments below. Tell me about your breakup.

  1. The details surrounding your breakup
  2. What you have done since the breakup
  3. What you think your best next step is after reading this article

Our expert will help you discern what your next action should be.

23 thoughts on “How To Get Him Back If The Breakup Was Your Fault”

  1. Era

    August 28, 2018 at 4:12 pm

    Dear guys,

    Thank you for this post! It really clarified the no contact rule, as a strategy for healing on BOTH parties, and not just a one-sided manipulation technique.
    My boyfriend broke up with me a little over a month ago, but I messaged him here an there for two weeks following, asking him to reconsider since we had vacations planned together. He became more and more frustrated, since the reason behind breaking up with me was due to my own unhappiness, and not his choice. I have since stopped contacted him (18 days to be exact).

    At first it was really difficult to get through it, especially since I felt it was all my fault. But slowly, I accepted his decision and realised he was right: while he was in the picture, I wasn’t going to get my life together. In fact, since he has left, and I have applied the NCR, I have gotten to the root of all that was causing me unhappiness, and finally started to take action to get to a healthy place, instead of staying in my rut and using him as a destraction and and someone I can dump all my problems on. I realised i wasn’t living in the city i’ve always wanted to, or separate from my sister (we have a codependent relationship), or pursuing the career path and hobbies I’ve always wanted. This caused me to be in a light depression, I was also dealing with the loss of my mum amidst it all, and though he was an angel to me through it all, he eventually got tired of me doing nothing about my unhappiness, except releasing it on him for no reason (which I also admit, he’s the only guy who’s really given me everything i’ve ever wanted in a relationship, and never given me reason to be sad, or worried).

    Since the break up, I have moved, and that’s already made me given me a great confidence, for the independence i feel, but also for the fact I’m pursuing my dreams and passions. I have started running every morning, which is showing physical, but especially great emotional progress. And I am finally laying down roots in a place where I know I’m not just temporarily living, and creating new habits, routines, and friends. I feel much more grounded.

    I’d like to start slowly seeing him again. The only problem is… I don’t know the state of mind he’s in. During the year we dated, he tried to leave many times, because felt constantly attacked by me and saw I needed help before I could be in a relationship, but always came back within a few days (for love and promises made by me). Now he has decided it’s really never gonna work until I make some serious changes, which he said would take more than a simple separation of a few days or weeks. He lost respect for me toward this end, because I really begged and pleaded, since he saw no point in it, as he knew it didn’t depend on him though he was doing the breaking-up. He told me not to try to convince him, as he knew I’d go right back to my ways if he returned, and the only thing that could help me get better was time. He became immune to my crying the last few months, and that’s another reason I realise NCR can help me get back to a position of respect and adornment he had shown me up to that point.
    I just don’t kno how much time he needs before I can contact him at least for a coffee, so he can see the improvements I’m making. My sister says I need to allow him to return in the city and miss me in his every day routine, as he’s been travelling these weeks, and only just got back now.

    Do I complete 21 days? 30? Or start counting since his return to the city?
    Hope you can help! Sorry for the lengthy message.

    Thankful for your work, and the support it’s given me in this fragile time xx

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 28, 2018 at 9:30 pm

      Hi Era….yes…the time around a breakup is fragile, but there are things you can learn to do to better cope. I am proud of you for picking up running and doing those other things to help with your recovery. I am thinking 21 days. Go get my eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” as there is so much more of me in there than I can give you in small doses here in the Comments! You can learn more about it by going to my Home Page.

  2. Nishta

    August 19, 2018 at 10:53 am

    Hello,
    Maybe I’d be judged to be a very wrong person after reading my story , but here I go : i had a 3 year long relationship which was pretty descent at first but as the time passed , after a year he started to gain family issues and a busy life . We had lots of fights most of them initiated by me and slowly over time i tended to loose feelings over him .
    Ober time time span these 3 years passed and out of no where i randomly saw a charmjng face on instagram and got attracted to him , we started talking in no time and became close enough, it was clear enough that he gained feelings towards me as well as i did , but i was still in a relationship with the guy i met 3yrs ago and I lied that i had broke up . I got into a relationshio with the new man as i didn’t now how to let the old man go i kept continuing with both besides knowing i was wrong . Eventually when they both got to know about it , to my surprise the new man i loved stood beside my side to supoort me . He trusted me over everyone else n gave me the chance to be with him . The 3yr relationship guy told me to live .
    Yet , after a few days i conviemced the 3yr old relationship man to get back to me as i was addicted to him maybe , i was confused between the two .
    I had strong feeling for the new man i loved and never wanted to hurt him but couldn’t let my 3yr relationship go . So i commited one huge disaster by telling the 3yr relationship man to get back while i was already in a new relationship .
    The era of my lies keot continuing besides my new man giving me lots of love and me completely falling in love with him i kept talking to the old guy knowing that i was wrong and its is gonna lead to a huge mess in future .
    And as the truth comes out some or the other day , once again the truth came out were i was dating both the men . One whom i truely loved n the one who was my old love just maybe an addiction which i couldn’t throw away .
    Because of my disasters my man tales me to be a double dater , cheater , liar and dono what more .
    I know my mistakes are horrible and dont know if there is any way back to my man . But all i know is i really loved my new man and never wanted to hurt him(even though i did) . I truely love him from the bottom of my heart and don’t know how to repemd for my mistakes and get him back . I know i have hurt his heart bad but i didn’t intend to do so .
    Please do help me get him back if it is possible . Its been a month since all this has happened and I’ve been apologising and pleading and begging . But all he says is I’m a cheater and a liar . Please help if possible . 🙂

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 19, 2018 at 11:33 pm

      Hi Nishta!

      I avoid judging anyone. I have made plenty of mistakes. We all do. I think you will benefit by have an ex back recovery plan. You can use some healing and its good to have a blueprint to follow so you can make the right decisions going forward. My eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” is an excellent resource. Its lengthy and full of actionable ideas. You can also visit my home page of this site for more tools and resources!

  3. Heather

    August 7, 2018 at 8:51 pm

    I’ll be as brief as possible…

    Met a guy after my own assault 7 years ago. Dated 5mo. Left relationship to pursue my own therapy as I was quite traumatized.
    We hung out a few times post this, but not many. It was clear he still wanted to get with me. Changing himself to be what he thought I wanted him to be etc. This was a turn-off. Seemed needy, insecure, and then reactive when I set limits.
    3 years ago we both moved back to our home cities and were again in proximity. We spent every evening together for about 2.5 months. For the first time in our nearly 5 years of knowing one another, we slept with one another. He started telling me I was amazing, overwhelming me. I told him I was going to get spooked if he didn’t slow down. I left for a month trip abroad and while there I told him I just wanted to be friends. Truthfully I did like him, but I was in the middle of my medical residency was was in the middle of a legal case regarding the aforementioned assault. I didn’t want to string him along when I was so preoccupied and unsure of my feelings and thought he’d slow it down and we could be friends again. When I was ready I could reopen the prospect of being together if he was into it. Well- He froze me out entirely after telling him this and ignored me when I got home. I didn’t hear from him again until 5mo later when he told me he was living on the other side of the planet for work for the next 2 years (bragging or what?… this place was a city he knows I’m fond of).
    We didn’t talk to much while he was away. He came to visit one year in to his 2 year working abroad and started to fool around with me a little. When I checked in to make sure this was just a casual friend thing, he got super reactive “You’ll always just think I’m the guy who likes you.” I was going to visit him abroad but it seemed like it wouldn’t be good so we didn’t talk much.
    He got back to the US around March and stayed with me while he was getting his place in order for a few days. Withing 2 weeks we’d slept together and not long after that we were honeymoon phasing. He started to withdraw and act wierd, cancelling on me, preoccupied etc. I assumed he was overwhelmed with moving back to the US and then training in a new job which was a great opportunity for him. Things got tense because I was getting upset with him for neglecting me. He would just freeze me out for like 1-2 wks out of no-where. Said if a relationship isn’t working for him he just cuts it off (total asshole behavior and emotionally abusive in my opinion).
    Things got a little better and we kept hanging out. I was getting needy in setting of some issues going on in my life and I could tell he wanted more space, but I just kept coming over. When it seemed he really wasn’t having it I ended up telling him we should just stop pretending this will ever work and go back to being friends. He was like “ok.” But when I came over later he was looking at me with resentment and I swear hate. He’d already sort of been been behaving this way at times since getting back (he resented me for telling him I just wanted to be friends before). During this conversation he told m he’d had an affair with a married woman and cheated on his girlfriend which he’d always said was “the best fit for him” he’s had. Then he said he was broken and had never been the same since the affair was discovered and ended without closure. He said he was still in love with her. This killed me. I work as a therapist though and I consider this guy a friend. I couldn’t just leave him there telling me he was broken, especially with the guilt of thinking I’d contributed in someway. I offered to do an exercise where we both essentially sit in for people that things were left unsaid. I sat in for the woman he had the affair with, the girl he cheated on, and his mom. Listening to this nearly killed me. Turns out this guy’s brother who had abused his entire family was just released from prison and his mom had invited him back to the home which traumatized the entire family. I finally realized why he’d been acting so distant and wierd.
    After this things were tense. He missed my graduation which he’d promised to attend. I came over after and we kissed and ended up sleeping together “casually.” Things were good for about 2 weeks and started getting really intimate as in it was clear he was having feelings. Then abruptly after the most intimate night he pulled away. He ended up telling me he couldn’t do this and needed a break.
    I was in love with him by this point and went total frantic mode. Also super angry he was freezing me out again. I showed up at his place expecting him to speak with me, but he was never home so we never got the chance. I did tell him I’d been there so he knows I was there at least twice. I contacted him a ton, apologized for a bunch of stuff (anything I could think of) as I had no idea what had caused him to pull away, sent him some awful vid messages during a state of intoxication explaining how messed up I’d been from my past abuse and that this was why I couldn’t be with him before basically hoping I could undo whatever damage I’d done in hopes he could love again and be with someone else. I wanted him to be with me, but more than anything I care about him and just wanted him to be happy. Thinking of him as broken and never having the chance to love again hurt me. I wanted to help. I ended up drunk texting him after I’d totally bashed myself in that message in a pretty embarrassing, look at me partying fashion which was not fun to wake up to. He actually replied to this finally though and said he wouldn’t be home so don’t come over, me coming to see him before I went abroad for a month was not a good idea and he needed space. I said ok and that I’d contact him when I got back.
    I was gone 3wks and contacted him just before coming home. He said we could chat when I got back. Then when I got back he didn’t respond to my request to meet and chat. I ended up telling him I wanted to give him an easy out of talking to me was so unpleasant and he told me he thought being in eachother’s lives wasn’t good for him, we needed to do our own things for now and see where life took us. This isn’t unusual. He gets pissed and disappears for months historically, but I never cared so much before because I wasn’t pursuing and dating him. I ended up facetiming him and he answered. We had a great talk with me sharing my stories from my time abroad. He told me that the night I did those therapy exercises were the end for him, saying that I forced him to open up and get deep which he didn’t like. He is a very private person and I am the only one on the planet he has told those things to. I felt super blamed and upset because I’d done this to help him and had described the exercise before doing it and asked if it was ok. He did it willingly and shared WAY more than I was expecting. He said he was in a really bad place for a while after that and basically after than happened he knew “we could never be” so he had to just end it. He told me he loved me (the first time he’d ever said it out loud although I know he’s been in love with me since he met me 7 years ago). Then he said he’d always care for me. In the end it was a good talk and he said he wanted to talk to me again.
    But when I messaged him the next week, he ignored it. I ended up getting pissed after a few days and messaged him again defending my side that partners should share those sort of big things with eachother so thank you for opening up to me and indicating that it wasn’t fair to blame me for the negative emotions he had come up that were related to unresolved issues with other people. I sent this at like 6:30 a.m. on a Monday morning (I know dumbest time ever). He rapidly responded that this friendship had run it’s course for him (presumable due to a.m. text at start of workweek bringing up the topic he said he did not want to further discuss). I sent him a non-needy and in my mind appropriate apology owning the fact that completing those exercises blurred the bounds of my personal and professional life and was not appropriate (it was a stressful moment and i will never do that again).

    Anyway… He disappears for months at a time in the past. He clearly has a lot of unresolved damage. If he could address his split and run behavior and defensiveness, he otherwise is a great guy. In the end I think dating right now and possibly ever may not be the best, but I do love him and would be open to this. He’s under so much stress right now I don’t think I’ve seen the best of him and truly these behaviors were not entirely characteristic of how he behaved previously. I am really upset to lose the friendship. He blocked my number after that text. He’d already unfriended me from all social media. The only way I can contact him is through email and I have no intention of reaching out after my apology. I let him know that to me he’d always be a friend and if there is a time when he can release me from the associations of this summer, he’d always be welcome.

    Any insights appreciated.

  4. Diya

    May 6, 2018 at 4:24 am

    Hey, this is going to be slightly long:
    My ex boyfriend and I were absolutely beautiful together. We are both in University doing our masters and while I stay in campus, he has a rented apartment. So I’d spend most of my time there, 2-3 days in a week. I really really love him.
    However, there is this other guy who stays in Texas, I’ve never met him and we matched on tinder way back in 2016 before I got into a relationship. I always enjoyed talking to him and got flirtatious with him sometimes. He is 8 years older than me and I liked his maturity, the way he handled things. I did like him which is why I could not cut him off but everything with this guy was over WhatsApp. I knew we’d never meet, there won’t be any romance. Further, he’s had a tough life so I didn’t want to be a bitch and stop talking to him suddenly. I knew this would pass, because our conversations were getting strained. I was just waiting for it to pass on it’s own, didn’t have the guts to just snap out of texting him.
    Now my boyfriend finds his messages on my phone and he breaks up immediately. Since I tell him everything, he couldn’t fathom how I hid this from him. He kept calling me names and saying that I was two timing him. But actually, I had nothing to do with this guy, they were just words for me and him! We broke up two weeks back. I tried the no contact but I ended up speaking to him on the 10th day. He once again told me that there’s no scope for us to be back. I have done all the explaining and apologizing for everything in every way possible. I cut all ties with the guy in Texas. He’s not budging.
    We spoke for two hours where he kept asking why I did this and that. I explained to him and I still feel helpless. I can’t help but think of him. Got this sick feeling in the stomach and can’t get over how I actually messed my amazing relationship for something that didn’t mean anything to me 🙁 I’m hurting and he seems to be alright. We’re both students in the same college and I’m scared of facing him at all, might just break down.

    Is there anyway I can get him back? It’s really painful right now, with finals in two days!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 6, 2018 at 5:25 am

      Hi Diya…first of all, your write really well! Secondly, you should consider picking up my ebook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” as it is rather comprehensive and will be a Companion Guide if this breakup situation persists. It’s best to have a concerted blueprint on how you might want to proceed in order to optimize your chances.

      Obviously, your ex feels a breach in the trust, but ironically, you have been honest with him and doesn’t seem to believe you. If he accepted what you said as the truth, then it really isn’t a terrible thing and he should move forward. But he is not there. Some time will probably have to go by for both of you to heal and recover, each in your own ways. But I am optimistic this is going to work out. I am thinking some shorter form of limited No Contact might be in order to allow you both some space to put this in perspective. At least it seems the two of our are talking and he is still trying to process it. I discuss all the way you can adapt No Contact principle for your individual situation in an ebook I wrote, “The No Contact Rule Book” (visit my website Menu/Products section”. Why don’t you keep me in the loop as to how things progress. My gut tells me that as some time goes by, this itch in your ex boyfriend’s mind might cause him to start to wonder if what you have explained to him is the truth, it certainly it is at worse just an emotional affair….not a physical affair….and it started before you met your current boyfriend. I thinking he is massaging this in his mind already…or will. So keep your cool. Find some emotional balance….Focus on your finals. And read up on some of these resources I referenced and develop your plan of action.

    2. Diya

      May 6, 2018 at 5:41 am

      Thank you so much for the response and the optimism in it!
      I just needed to add this: I kept talking to this guy in Texas and stopped only after my boyfriend broke up with me. Is it still workable?
      I’m meditating to find some emotional balance, yes.

    3. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 6, 2018 at 2:57 pm

      I think so…with time, emotions will settle in place

  5. Nana

    April 12, 2018 at 3:29 pm

    Hey Amour,

    This is a long message lol, would really like your insight and help. I don’t know where else to turn to to ne honest.

    I was with my boyfriend for about a year and half. He broke up with me only a couple days ago so it is quite fresh. Although he had his part to play in us breaking up, but I can admit that I was the main reason why we broke up. In short, although I was so in love with him, and still am, I found it hard to give my all emotionally to him, because I kept fearing that he may hurt me and was absolutely terrified of this.

    I have been hurt in the past and even though he was the absolute best, I feared that the moment I let go and give him my all, he may change and do something to hurt me. So I was living in constant anxiety, I didn’t want to loose him at all, but ended up loosing him, so he was saying because he gave his heart into the relationship and he knows that I didn’t do the same, he feels very hurt and betrayed that I didn’t, so he is ending it to take the trust away from me. I tried to apologise, but he said he isn’t going to accept my apology, until I work on myself and I am able to relate to him, that’s when we can have another conversation about it.

    Another reason why we broke up was because I kept meeting him with a defence and would often lie about the smallest things, I would lie to make my self look better, I would lie to hide my real feelings about a situation, in case he doesn’t agree, and I would lie to try and protect him and prevent the situation from going left, but it would always end up going wrong. Lastly, he feels I had a lack of empathy for him and couldn’t feel how he feels and was very selfish. He also felt that I had a lack of empathy for men in general, which I am realising to be true. I struggled to have empathy for him and just couldn’t believe or understand that he had feelings. All of this brought the demise of our relationship.

    He also mentioned, how if I want to attract him, I need to work on my personal appearance and start looking after myself, (I was very complacent in the relationship, not only physically, but in every department, I wanted change but didn’t want to put in the work to get change, and he got very tired of that, because he is the complete opposite).
    Her said I have so much potential, that he would see other girls and think “If I was to fix up, I would be 20X better than these girls that he sees.

    So he moved back to his mums, and now we are apart. The only thing is he said he still wants to be around me and talk to me I wanted the same thing, because I don’t want him to leave my life or me leave his, and I THINK he feels the same, so we talk and have deep conversations about different topics, he also has borrowed my car because his is not working at the moment. but one time he went MIA after he came to see me because he did something nice for me to my car, and I didn’t realise it so he had to point it out to me, and I don’t think he was too happy that he had to point it out to me, so he came to my house to chill for a bit and was very anti-social and literally left and I didn’t hear from him for a whole day. I didn’t contact him, even though I really really wanted to, so the next day he called me and sent me something on Whatsapp. I took long to respond and he would message me to get my attention.. then we spoke, but I haven’t heard from him again, and it kills me when I don’t.

    I really want him back, but I do not want these issues to persists. I know I have issues, but I also know he is the one for me, and I know where I messed up. I just hope he feels the same way. I want to work on myself, but I don’t want to ignore him and make him think that I don’t care because I care so deeply for him, but I know he wants to see me change.. but I feel so lost and I don’t know what to do.

    I am not eating, and I am smoking sooo much. I just feel like a hot mess.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 12, 2018 at 4:30 pm

      Hi Nana! There is a lot going on here! You need a plan going forward. I am limited in what I can discuss here, but go to my website and click on Menu/Products and you can find more help there. Lots of great resources that can help with your emotional support as well as fashion a ex recovery plan. You can work on yourself and also work towards reconciliation, but you need a blueprint to follow.

  6. Zara

    March 5, 2018 at 10:37 am

    Hey Amor! The relationship was short and long distance one month and a half but we really liked each other instantly. I loved his personality above all but thought he was spectacularly handsome. I had the feeling we really clicked. At some point he was sick so we didn’t see each other and after that he was really stressed by a situation so we didn’t see each other for 2 weeks and I felt he didn’t want to see me anymore it that I wasn’t a priority. We had a small fight abt it and I told him I wanted to stop but went back on my words in the same convo. He asked me to never threaten to end things again. That same week we were still figuring out when we would see each other and I again had the feeling he was not putting any effort into it. I sent him a message to say that I needed to step back because I felt I was putting too much pressure on him and of course he understood it as me threatening again. We spoke on the phone and had a huge fight not really abt it but on on my intuition that he was not saying smth. He said that he was not saying smth and I said that I couldn’t be with someone who wasn’t telling me everything. I realized it was extreme but too late cause he said he was out. After that I texted him sporadically for one week and he texted back once to say smth bad had happened in his family. The week after I texted way more and I ended up being a gnat big time. He finally sent a message to say that he wanted to stop and that the reason was my behavior and that he wasn’t ready for a relationship( it’s not u its me but it’s u kinda thing). I am on day 31 of NC aiming for 45. He hasn’t given any sign of life. The first two weeks were horrible but I have been taking care of my health big time (going to the gym, meditating, doctors checks) and doing lots of activities with friends, old friends, new friends (not posting that much on fb yet) and even going on dates. The dark horse in my trinity is wealth cause my job situation wasn’t great when I met him but it went to worse. I am really trying my best but I feel that if I don’t get this sh***t sorted before I break the no contact it won’t fly. What do u think I could do to boost that side of my life? And do u think that after such a short relationship-ish and a big fight that there is still a chance?
    Many thanks keep doing what ur doing

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 10, 2018 at 7:53 am

      Hi Zara,

      How did you meet? You can continue working on your wealth side while rebuilding rapport with him.. Are you building new skills?

  7. Kimberly

    March 5, 2018 at 4:04 am

    I have jealousy/trust issues due to my previous husband and long term boyfriend both cheating on me. My current boyfriend and I have been together over a year. When things are good with us it’s a wonderful thing. But when my jealousy comes out he is completely turned off. Last week my jealousy ruined a fun evening and we got into an argument. He told me that he didn’t think I would ever get over my trust issues and that we are no longer boyfriend/girlfriend…just 2 people dating. I kept asking him if he wanted to date others but he wouldn’t answer. I told him that if he was going to date others then I would no longer see him. It’s been a week and I haven’t seen him. He does text me once in a while being playful but I’ve stopped responding. I’m reading a book to understand & get control of my trust issues because I don’t want to have this problem anymore. Do you think he and I still have a chance?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 10, 2018 at 7:26 am

      Hi Kimberly,

      Have you tried our quiz? If he just wants casual, then yes, he means he wants to date other girls..

  8. A. Merriweather

    March 4, 2018 at 6:17 pm

    In 2016 i met my first real boyfriend jay. Our relationship was great but coming up to 2017 our comunication got bad. Some days he would be hot or cold towards me, some days we would have a good conversation and some days we would have a bad conversation. At one point we wasnt talking at all so, i thought our relationship was over and i met a new boy and we got into a relationship on april 6, 2017. That relationship ended this year and i wanted to go back to jay. However my jay told me that i cheated on him with the boy i had recently broke up with because jay said he never said that the relationship was over in the first place. Which i did cheat because when i re-checked my messages they showed jay never said that the relationship was over. Now i want him back but he has a girlfriend and i dont know what to do to get him back now

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 8, 2018 at 5:26 pm

  9. AJ

    March 4, 2018 at 1:55 am

    My ex boyfriend and I were together for a year and a half and we fought a lot. Almost all of the fights were started by myself. I would get really upset about really little things and I wasn’t doing much to control it. We had broken up for a few days about five times over some arguments, and then we broke up for a month. That was four months ago. We got back together because I basically harassed him until he came home. Then we were having issues again when we got back together. I was acting the same way and he left a month and a half ago, saying that I was the woman that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with but I hated everything about him and he couldn’t deal with my shit anymore. At the beginning of the breakup, I would send him a message every day or two telling him that i was sorry, I miss him, and I’m willing to do whatever I need to in order to fix things. He never really responded, and so I finally messaged him and told him that I was going to move on because it seemed like that’s what he wanted. He messaged back the next day and said he just needs space. So I left him alone for three days and then asked him if he new what he wanted yet. He said he didn’t know and told me that I hadn’t left him alone, so I left him alone for a week and then messaged him and told him I needed to know what he wanted. I sent him about seven different messages telling him that i loved him and wanted to fix things and I said I just needed to know that he wanted the same. His response was “we have two options; one, we move on. And two, we get back together and the second one isn’t an option.” I left him alone for three weeks after saying goodbye. I talked to his mom basically every day, but left him alone completely. Then a few days ago, I messaged him and asked him if he wanted me to drop off an item of his and said that I wanted to talk. He said no. He said we had nothing to talk about and that I should know why things are the way they are. He said he tried but he wasn’t good enough and you deserve someone that’s not me. He said he’s not who I want. I responded by apologizing for the way that I treated him and said that I was unhappy because of my own issues. He didn’t respond and I left it alone. He messaged me for the first time yesterday, asking me about his phone. I answered and left it at that. I think that the only thing I can do at this point is leave him alone and work on getting things straightened out in my own life. I realize the breakup was my fault, as were most of my issues. I take responsibility and am in the process of being a better me.

  10. Jen

    March 1, 2018 at 12:41 pm

    Hi,

    My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2.5 years. He moved to college in January and we both visited each other in the last two months. This past Saturday I called him and we talked on the phone to discuss about spring break plans. Everything was going smoothly until an argument escalated. From their he told me, “I don’t want this anymore, I don’t love you, it’s done.” I did everything in the book not to. I pleaded, cried, and I didn’t want to believe it. He told me to see other people. He told me he’s not going to change his mind. I’m completely heart broken because I loved him so much, and I wanted this relationship to work out. Should I move on or try to get him back.

    *I was his first for everything. He doesn’t have much relationship experience and he doesn’t do well with stress, and he’s told me he’s very stressed with school. I’ve seen what he’s exposed to with his friends. They party every weekend, and girls are coming and going.*

    What should I do?

    Jen

  11. Amy

    February 28, 2018 at 2:17 pm

    I broke up with him after I put him down, flirted with guys online to get his attention, picked on him for all of his faults. Then I begged him back for the first week … and he wants nothing to do with me. He asked me to give him space and that I was right this hasn’t been working out. I have not reached out to him for the past two days and it’s killing me. 🙁 we were together two years and he left.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 1, 2018 at 11:18 am

  12. maggie

    February 26, 2018 at 11:12 pm

    I’ve spent the last 2 months trying to convince my ex-boyfriend that I’ve changed for the better – I had trust issues and couldn’t seem to relax. The last two months we’ve had periodic communication where I’ve tried to explain myself away. It doesn’t help that we are in a long-distance relationship for 8 months. Is this situation hopeless? It’s been 4 days NC. I’m really trying. He seems to want nothing to do with me at this point and has rebuffed any chance of getting back together. Help! I don’t know what to do. I’ve done the clean slate email, I’ve tried everything. I am so worried he’s lost all feeling for me.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 27, 2018 at 2:39 pm

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