I get so jealous of people who can break up on good terms. You know, the couples that say things like,
“Oh, we broke up, but it was mutual.”
How do you “mutually” agree to end a relationship ?
How is it possible that after everything you’ve been through together you just decide,
“Eh, we gave it a try. Let’s just stop this bus here?”
I know. I know. There is more to it than that. It is likely much more complicated than the way I imagine it. And, okay yes, people really do break up mutually, without finding any fault with each other. It just… isn’t the right fit.
For me, it’s always been the more complicated route that gets you to the same destination.
Blame is a tricky thing. Sometimes it is your fault and sometimes people just assume it is your fault. It doesn’t always matter if it is true or not.
What I’ve found is that, after a breakup, both parties find reasons to feel at fault, regardless of who’s fault it was.
So, as the title of this article stated, today we are going to address gaining some clarity and perspective if you are shouldering some fault, whether it’s yours to bear or not.
Perhaps that’s why you’re here reading this article because you feel like it was your fault your ex broke up with you? Or maybe it’s that you were the one who caused the breakup and you’re wondering if there is something you can do to fix it.
Whatever the reason you find yourself here reading this article today, there is something at EBR for you. This is what we are going to cover today:
- No, The Breakup Wasn’t Really My Fault, But It Feels Like It Was
- If We Are Being Honest, We Were Both At Fault
- Yes, The Breakup Was Definitely My Fault, Is There Anything I Can Do?
- What Can I Do To Get Him Back?
Blame and fault aren’t really black and white like I thought they were when I was younger.
Let me explain what I mean by that.
If you’re wondering how you to find out if you are the one at fault for the relationship ending, I would suggest you do a little reflecting on your relationship and do it while you’re in No Contact. I spent my own No Contact period thinking about my relationship from different points of view, not just my own.
If you’re completely new to the EBR program, No Contact is pretty easy to understand:
No Contact is a period of time in which you ignore your ex DELIBERATELY in an attempt to make them miss you more and ultimately allow them time to erase any bad feelings they have towards you. It also simultaneously provides you an avenue to emotionally recover and grow as an individual.
During this time you’re not only giving your ex time to miss you while he’s healing from the breakup. You’re giving yourself time to heal too.
It is a good chance to really dissect the good and the bad aspects of the relationship, just don’t dwell on it too long. You can get stuck there. Reflecting on it gives you a good sense of clarity.
The trick is to avoid the what-ifs.
“What if I always picked too many fights with him?”“What if I showed him I didn’t trust him when I kept checking his phone?”“What if I nagged him too much and he got sick of it?”“What if I pushed him into a relationship he wasn’t ready for?”
The last two were personal for me. I asked myself those questions a lot during my reflection.
Like I said earlier, it’s just a chance for you to take a look at your relationship and see if there were parts already in danger.
It’s easy to be a little self-absorbed in a relationship. I mean, not many people make a habit of seeing things from other peoples’ perspectives. Hopefully reflecting on your relationship in this manner can give you a little understanding of where the blame really lies.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe Breakup Wasn’t Really Your Fault, But It Feels Like It Was
There are plenty of reasons you could be feeling like the breakup was your fault when it wasn’t.
I mean, you can’t do things 100% right 100% of the time. You are only human.
Are You Blaming Yourself For The Breakup?
I definitely blamed myself after mine and it got me nowhere in my healing process.
When my ex broke up with me, he basically cited our religious beliefs as one of the reasons he wanted to end it, among other things.
It was really a combination of several things. We both had busy weekend schedules. He had his golf, I was working on the weekends. Every weekend, even though he knew I had been working, he would ask if I had gone to church. I had mentioned to him once before that I really wanted to go back. He eventually started going back to church on his own, but I couldn’t follow suit because I was scheduled to work every single weekend.
When we broke up, I was convinced my not going to church was the reason our relationship fell apart. I spent months blaming myself for that.
“If only I made going to church a piority for him.”
It’s a normal reaction to think this way. It’s human. Children blame themselves for their parents splitting up when there are plenty of reasons that they have no clue about. It is ridiculous how many times we blame only ourselves for things that we did and things that we didn’t even do or things that didn’t even matter.
In my case, I was trying to protect my ex from being “the bad guy” in the whole situation. Personally, I didn’t want my family and friends to think of him as the reason I was hurting. I did this even though he had made himself the bad guy in the first place by hurting me. I wanted him to be the good guy I always thought he was, which is probably why I spent way more time blaming myself than blaming him.
Yes, as humans, we can be a little self-centered. But when it comes to people we care about, we rarely hesitate in putting their feelings above our own. So, you could be blaming yourself needlessly when you really didn’t do anything wrong.
Then again you could be blaming yourself because you don’t want to see that maybe this relationship wasn’t very good for you in the first place
Then again, maybe you’re blaming yourself because you’re scared or too comfortable living in the past to start something new with someone else.
Whatever, the cause for your hesitancy, if you did not actually do anything wrong then blaming yourself isn’t going to make things better for you. In fact, it’s more likely to make you feel worse… and worse.
Is Your Ex Blaming You For Something That Wasn’t Your Fault
Most of the time, when relationships end, it has a lot to do with mistrust and misunderstanding.
This can be caused by:
Miscommunication – This is the main reason for relationships falling apart. Healthy communication is something that is necessary for a relationship to thrive.
Outside Forces – What I mean by that is that other people could have pumped information, opinions, or even rumors into your relationship during and probably even after the breakup. When that happens, expectations and even opinions of each other can be skewed. Your ex may be blaming you because of misinformation from those outside sources.
In this case, your ex probably already has his mindset, so it is better to let him cool off. Remember in No Contact, part of it is to “ultimately allow them time to erase any bad feelings towards you.” If he is feeling negative about you right now, whether or not it was your fault, you need to let him have this time to himself. If you don’t, you could push him into further resistance to talk to you and could create more bad feelings towards your instead of erasing them.
No Contact is 21, 30, 45 days. Once you let enough time pass, using the No Contact Method, you can reach out using the Process laid out in Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program.
Like I said, miscommunication is a big part of why relationships fail in the first place. Use your time during No Contact to learn how to communicate healthily within a relationship.
You should work on The Holy Trinity. If you aren’t sure what that is, watch the video below.
Then, when you have completed No Contact, re-established rapport, and are considering getting back together...
…well, for one, you should come back and tell us about it…
…and two, you should talk CALMLY and REASONABLY about the parts you both played in the decline of your relationship. TOGETHER, talk about what you can do to improve in the future.
It’s important to listen to his side and make an effort to understand where he is coming from. Remember, the goal here is not to lay blame, but to find solutions to the problems of the past.
Just remember – give him time, give him space. Don’t push him because it will ultimately just push him into a state of resentment. And don’t draw out the conversation. If you are struggling to communicate, then sometimes it is best to leave the past in the past. Admit that there were mistakes made, that both of you played a part, and that you will work together to overcome them as you move forward together.
The Breakup Was Definitely Your Fault, What Can You Do?
So, you do know that you messed up and it was all your fault? What can you do then?
Own Up to Your Actions
Own up to your faults. Do not try to deny it or pretend like it never happened. If you truly want your ex back, you shouldn’t run away or avoid the problem. As I always say, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” And as others say, actions speak louder than words.
Don’t just admit that you screwed up. Change your behavior.
Like I mentioned in the previous section it will take time for your ex to heal from that emotional wound. But if it is too big, you’re probably going to have to give your ex a long No Contact to get over it.
Even then, if you have not made changes to your behavior, your ex will not see a reason to get back together.
You Cheated On Him
Specifically, if you cheated on him, that emotional pain is going to take a long time to heal from. Give him his space and time to reflect, which will give you time to reflect on your actions and its consequences. This is also a good time to perform an “Act of Contrition” if you will, or a way to show that your actions were a one-time thing and you fully intend for it to never happen again.
It’s highly suggested in Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro to cut off any and all ties with the person you cheated with. So when you do your No Contact period, you have practiced it on both your ex (to let him recover) and the person you cheated with (because you want to end that relationship entirely.) After that has been settled, you will then have to practice something called a “Mindset Shift”, which is changing or eliminating any type of behavior that might lead your ex to believe you will cheat again.
You don’t want to give him any more reasons to think that you’re going to repeat the betrayal. You will be tempted during No Contact to go out and live the single life. However, in the case of cheating, you will want to focus on self-improvement and avoid situations that might lead to more. Your ex is unlikely to consider any interaction with men during No Contact kindly.
Can I Still Get Him Back?
I don’t pretend to know all of your situations. However, we have seen nearly every situation there is here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
The answer is yes!
No matter what your situation, there is always a chance.
There is one way that you can diminish that chance before you ever get through No Contact. And that is to allow your emotions lead you to break No Contact.
Read this article on How To Stay In No Contact. It will help you avoid the most common mistake people make trying to get their ex back.
You might know this already, but I feel like it needs to be repeated: It won’t be an easy fix and it will take time for your ex to even consider getting back together with you if he thinks you are at fault in some way. So while these steps will help get you at peace with your ex, it might take him longer to finally forgive you for everything and give you another chance. So, be patient.
As long as you follow the EBR process and remember to be patient in the process, no matter how impossible it seems.
The Take-Away
When it comes to finding fault after a breakup, people tend to see fault where it isn’t, even in themselves. After reading this article you should be prepared to:
- Learn How To Communicate Healthily in a Relationship
- Admit Any Contribution You Had to the Failure of The Relationship
- Commit to the EBR Process Completely
- Most Importantly, Be Patient
Only then, will your chances of getting your ex improve. For now, I want to start a conversation in the comments below. Tell me about your breakup.
- The details surrounding your breakup
- What you have done since the breakup
- What you think your best next step is after reading this article
Our expert will help you discern what your next action should be.
Jaz
June 20, 2022 at 10:11 pm
I’m 36 and dated a 26 yr old for 8 mo I was scared that it wasn’t a genuine connection bc of his age even though he showed maturity. I moved super slow and toward the end started complaining that I didn’t feel connected bc he worked a lot and weren’t able to have deep talks. I have anxious avoidant arrangement and he never told me that me complaining hurt his feelings. The day he told me is also the day he broke up w me. I pled w him to give it a chance since he never expressed his feelings to me prior even when I asked him. He said a lot of things that made it seem very final between us yet he has responded to my txt and watch my social media. I’m going to do NC but feel sad bc our issue was mainly communication. We always had a good time and respectful relationship. I just felt scared and vulnerable when opening up and was a lil needy and he felt I was too much
Jennet Pembe
February 19, 2022 at 11:08 am
My ex boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and half now, we hardly fight since I don’t pay attention to little things and he never gave me a negative impression, I was a bartender the time we start dating working for more than 14hrs everyday and on my off days I get so tired just needed to rest at home, so I couldn’t help him with chores sometimes
Later I got pregnant three times but didn’t keep the baby tho he wanted me to but he wasn’t saying any plans of seeing my family
He used to get jealous when I’m with him and on my phone and when I spend time with my friend than him
So I limited it when I stopped working I wanted to start helping him out but he never seemed interested it went on like that our communication became very dull he stopped calling and texting and when I do so he will either not respond at all or respond weirdly it went on for five months
Until one day he told me of all the bad things i did to him like aborting his child and never taking care of his chores when he needed
I accepted all my mistakes and begged for another chance but he said he doesn’t love me anymore and have no feelings for me and that if we continue the relationship I won’t have the best of him
I have been begging for a second chance it’s almost a month now when I write him he opens without responding and when I go to his place he will always act angry with me
I don’t know what to do I love this guy and don’t want to loose him
Iva
June 1, 2021 at 7:29 am
My fiancé broke up with me a little over a month ago. I was verbally abusive to him without realizing how bad it was. I’ve grown up in a verbally abusive household and I didn’t comprehend how bad it was. I’ve been changing my behavior since the breakup, seeing a therapist about it and talking to people close to me. My ex was nice to me after we broke up, we still talked. I did no contact for a bit over two weeks and he’s been very distant since. I don’t know if he’s over me or if there’s something else going on. I’m not sure how to start talking again regularly so I can show him the changes I’m making.
Lola
October 25, 2020 at 2:03 pm
My boyfriend broke up with my a week ago. He didn’t give me a proper reason so I accepted it went home and waited a week for him to reach out. A week later he talked to my brother and said he is sure he doesn’t Want this relationship anymore. He also said to him he loves me. He said I wasn’t only his girlfriend I was like his wife. We planned to marry and to have children in the future. He knows my family. He introduced me to his parents which isn’t as easy at it seems considering his cultural background. Yesterday I wanted to talk to him and called him a couple of times. He then called back and said he doesn’t want to talk. He said it’s over and he doesn’t love me anymore. Even tough he told my brother he loves me very much. He also said to me he won’t call or text me and I just should loose hope. I once lied to him about my past and loosing my virginity he broke up as he found out but we Somehow sorted things out in the next couple of days. This time he said he found something out and it’s too much for him. I have no idea what And if it is true or not. I hid my past from him and lied about it. I didn’t want him to look at me in a different way or leave me because of things I did that now I regret. Now I regret everything and don’t know what to do. I think he thinks he can’t trust me anymore. I’m considering reaching out to him in a month or two when he calmed down or don’t contact him at all and wait until he sorts thing out on his own. I also thought about writing him a letter about how sorry I am and that I realized my mistake since I think he won’t answer my calls. I wanted to give it to his brother he will give it to him on the day we got together and he said He loves me for the first time. It hurt him really bad but I’m sure he loves me for sure.
Melissa
October 1, 2020 at 7:49 pm
Hi, my bf of 6 years well together 3 almost broken up 3 .. so I was a mean gf if attack physically and mentally (I didn’t do it for the fuck of it) he has big ego always wanting the attention always a flirt and I went crazy I ripped his shoes jerseys and he never ever wanted to things to be better even if he was unhappy… I was a crazy person but I grew but now he wan me to show him .. almost 3 months since he’s kicked me out. He answers my calls and I visit but when I break down he thinks it awkward and he doesn’t want a relationship he wants space but idk now he has the power and he will barley let me cry or saying anything with out hanging up he doesn’t think I’m pleasant but i want him to see my amazing side just he brought out the worst . Now he wants to be his single life while I sit back and have to take it because he is single he says
Charlene
September 27, 2020 at 1:26 pm
My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago and we have been in no contact since then. We were living together for 2 months and things started to spiral. I’ve now identified myself as an anxious preoccupied person and him being a dismissive avoidant. It was the usual – he was distant, I became more clingy and him distancing more. We were in this unhappy cycle for a few weeks until he broke up with me after getting a new job (that meant less time available for me) and me not being supportive at all. Upon reflection, I can understand where I went wrong in being an unsupportive partner but in the moment I just felt unloved due to the emotional distance between us. We both didn’t communicate our needs but now that I understand what’s going on, I feel empowered to try something different next time. Only thing is, he’s unfriended me on social media and not sure if he wants anything to do with me…should I try get him back or move on?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 6, 2020 at 5:26 pm
Hi Charlene, so as far as telling you to move on or try to get your ex back, that is something that you can only decide for yourself. This program can help you either way. You also need to spend some time focusing on yourself and getting over the break up and the pain you are going through. The only time I would say to not try to get someone back is if they were abusive relationship on some way.
Alexa
September 13, 2020 at 5:40 pm
Hi. My ex broke up with last august 28 because i had a convo with my friend about my story in instagram that his bestfriend that likes me (the bestfriend of my friend) reacted love to my story. So i screenshot it and send it to my friend. My boyfriend has seen our conversation about it but it was really nothing, i have no intention to the bestfriend of my friend. My boyfriend is asking about the bestfriend of my friend, but i was really scared that I might be wrong again because we talked about this “boy” so i deleted the conversation of me and my friend. His lost his trust to me so fast because any small details that i just forgot to tell him he called me instantly a liar and because i deleted it but he already seen it. Last september 3 he accepted me and gave me a chance. But this sept 10, i changed first my profile picture and just did not send him my picture first and that made him broke up again with me. Because we have already talked about it that i have to send my picture first to him but i changed pp first. He said that he was done with me. I want him to comeback to me. Do you think will he really comeback? We are 8 months in a relationship. and Im the only woman that he took seriously :(( can you please help me? I really love him. but we have no contact now . SORRY THIS WAY TOO LONG.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 4, 2020 at 7:19 pm
Hi Alexa, by the sound of it you need to complete your NC before he is going to be ready to talk to you so for now I suggest thats your goal is to work on yourself for at least 30 days and then reach out with a text that Chris suggests later down the line
Grace
July 27, 2020 at 11:32 am
Good morning
My ex just broke up with me today and I admit it’s my fault.
For the past two weeks, our relationship had been rocky but yesterday I unknowingly embarrassed him in front of his friends, I really made him look stupid and he has every right to be upset.
This man was a good man to me and I fucked up.
Through out last night and this morning too , I have been apologizing and begging but he said it’s too late and there’s no chance of us being lovers anymore, he said he’s not angry with me but disinterested.
I keep begging and I know I shouldn’t be begging but I’m so confused and drowned in pain, guilt and depression of the fact that I pushed this man away. He said it’s over.
Would the no contact work even though he doesn’t want to do anything with me anymore.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 6, 2020 at 12:19 am
Hi Grace right now I suggest that you follow a longer period of 45 days No Contact and let him calm down you have clearly upset him and hurt his feelings in some way so stopping now and giving it some space is really important that you do not bug him for a set amount of time and just work on yourself
Sa
June 21, 2020 at 4:41 pm
(Disclaimer english is not my first language)
My boyfriend and I were together for more then 5 years. The last fed months i was very stressed with uni and my home/family situation. Alot was going on and I was missing the affection and the small things. Also quarantine happend (im from belgium so quarantine began end February/march) When I was busy doing my work for uni and my job he was also working and we didn’t talk alot because we were both busy only at nights we updated eachother on how we’ve been and how our day was. Anyway I felt very depressed at some point and told him i wanted to contact my therapist but with covid I couldn’t and also couldn’t videocall with my family in the house hearing me. Eventually i started overthinking everything and thinking alot I thought I also felt bad because of him and one day we got together had a fight and i totally had a major blackout and before i knew it I said that we had to break up.
Now I didn’t think he took it serious is was all up in my emotions and so stressed i froze in my steps and we left. I have never cried so much i thought he hated me. We had contact for a while and then I felt like he hated me so I didn’t want to bother him also did not hear from him because apparently he was wasted everyday. He started following a bunch of girls suddenly and exes of him. I thought he Wanted to hurt That’s why he did it. After while we met up again and we talked and i tried to explain i did not mean the breakup but he wouldn’t get together with me although he still loves me. He shares quotes and sad songs on his socials but doesn’t want to get back together. He says he doesn’t trust me anymore and is scared to trust me again… i was so hopeless, I still am… idk what to do I talked to him, begged him, made a plan to work this out but nothing… he says we still wants to be friends with me because he can’t beat to lose me idk what to do or feel. I am so confused..I really want to fix this because we were so good together and idk I really messed up. I can’t get over the fact we’re over because of what I said midst an emotional argument…
Marisol
April 17, 2020 at 2:52 pm
H i am marisol . I broke up with my boyfriend bcoz things werent right and he video called girls and sexted may be and lied to me about it when i asked that too very properly like he is telling the truth but i myself saw it on his phone but still he lied .
He always used to say i never make plans i never did anything for him but i was always there when he called me and i also started initiating but he nevr realized and when i started making efforts he acted like he was not interested . I broke up after 2 days i called him but he was rude like he never wanna be with me thn after 15 days he texted he miss me i said evrything will be ok but thn i started feeling bad and i texted me he said he miss me but one thing that he knows is he dont want to be with me anymore. I felt bad and said ok i will have to move on . He said yes block me and once everything is ok unblock me so i blocked him its been 15 days he is also talking to some beautiful girl .will he move on What should i do
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 24, 2020 at 7:14 pm
Hi Marisol, I would say this guy does not respect you and you should spend 45 days No contact to work on your self esteem at least to see what you want in your life and relationships. I would also start dating casually so that you can see how other men would treat you.
Tiana
February 19, 2020 at 8:02 pm
My boyfriend and I are on a break/breakup. I took my frustrations out on him and said I ruin special moments for him. He looked at me and said, “I’m done and I can’t do this anymore.” So, I proceeded to think quickly on my feet. I asked for a break, I won’t contact him until I see him. I know I have improvements to make myself and I have started the process and not letting things get to me and bottled up inside of me. He says the same thing also, “I believe actions, not words.”
He won’t be able to see the change until I’m in a certain situation again. But, I take ownership of not bringing things to the forefront to be more transparent with him. Other than that our relationship was great. I’ve already admitted to myself I messed things up and thinking back on how I could have handled them differently. Next step is to continue to work on myself and figure out that I am working on a different me and hopefully he would like to go on that journey with me. I understand it will take a little longer for our romance to get back to where it was. But, I’m just stuck on how can I can be transparent with the couple steps I took toward my change and hope he will work with me through this.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 28, 2020 at 8:13 pm
Hi Tiana, so showing progress you made is by using social media and mutual friends that show how well and happy you are in life and he is going to realise that you are making positive changes
Maria
January 23, 2020 at 2:36 pm
Ex emailed me that he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore after I sent all the nasty emails n txts because I was so hurt after he dumped me. So basically it’s turned arnd on me and it’s my fault that he’s not wanting to to talk to me and that it’s unhealthy far as my nasty msgs. Is there still a chance?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 24, 2020 at 11:20 am
Hi Maria, you need to give it some real time apart where you are in No Contact, work on your emotional control during that time too!
JO
December 16, 2019 at 4:45 am
My ex boyfriend and I were together for 3 years, we have a one year old boy and its been a month since he broke up with me. We started our relationship wrong. From the very beginning he tested my trust and at that time i was immature and treated it as if i couldnt trust him at all and i was very controlling, and i wouldnt let him speak to girls whatsoever and i was very controlling over what he could do and not do, and when i would get angry i would go after him without any remorse even when he’d try getting his space after a fight to breathe id still go after him until he would be the one apologizing and just ignoring his feelings to make me happy. That was pretty much our entire relationship him always doing whatever it took to keep me happy and him never feeling like it was good enough. I turned him into an angry person who hates himself and no longer wants any type of relationship ever again with anyone and doesn’t want to have a family or anything. He says i turned him into someone who hates himself. I did realize all my faults too late and i understood why he left me. But i was changing, it just wasnt drastic changes or something fast enough for him to see that i could be a different person than the one who made him hate himself and change his entire perspective on family. He’s holding on to all that anger and every bad thing about me that made him who he is and thats why he won’t return to work on things with me. He says it won’t change and that ill always be the same. He says he no longer loves me and that he no longer sees himself with me ever again. Is there really no chance i can get him back? I know i drove him away but did i really lose every chance to have my family complete again?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 22, 2019 at 10:46 am
Hi Jo, this is hard to deal with as the break up is caused by you wanting to control the situation and what he does. It is not healthy behavior for you and it is going to make him resent you. Go into a no contact for 45 days and during that time you need to go seek some advice on how to deal with the way you expect a relationship to be, this work can not be done on your own as you clearly want to have control of a situations, there must be trust issues as you had an issue with him speaking to other girls in any way. Insecurities can break a relationship as it damages trust and the ability to fully bond with your partner because you’re always worried about them leaving. Read about the Ungettable girl and also look up how to not to be controlling in relationships – I think thats going to be your only way to get this guy back showing you are not going to be a controlling person anymore
vanessa
December 6, 2019 at 3:10 am
So what had happened was in August this year. My ex had broken up with me. He said that he feels no spark in our relationship anymore. I ask him whether he wanted me to wait or whether we had a chance again. He assured me no. I was heartbroken. However after our breakup he does still find me every week where we would sleep together and hang out about once a week for about an hour or so just at home. During those sessions where we meet up he would tell me things like “i will delete our pictures if not i cant hit on girls on instagram” or “I will go on tinder”. But i still met up with him cause i felt that getting abit of his attention is better than nothing. Till one day during our once a week meet up he told me he had slept with multiple women.
I was so upset. In this two months i have been waiting and waiting for him but then once he said that i flipped. I just wanted to move on. Wanted the pain go away so that week i went out on a date and had a one night stand.
I regretted this instantly. But i didn’t told him that. Then about a week later in our next meet up session i asked him about those women he slept with and he told me he was joking. He never slept with anyone. It was just a joke!! Omg i freaked out. I felt like i betrayed him. Then i tried doing the no contact rule. It worked. He came back eventually in october wanted to patch things up. But before that he asked me whether did i slept with anyone else. I said no. （ i lied clearly) cause i was scared. Then we got back together. However i wanted to start our relationship with full honesty and transparency so i told him the truth on monday. He flipped out. He say he kept imagining me with another guy and not him. And he needs time but he is not sure jf he can get over this or not. He is worried if i have any contact with the other guy and i assured him that i have not contacted that guy ever and does not want anything to do with him. I really really want my ex back. Albeit i lied to him before telling him the truth after. He acknowledges that its not my fault as it happened during our break up but he justified by saying that him sleeping with another girl is a joke. But he is definitely upset about it. And i feel like it is entirely my fault and i should’ve just waited longer despite the break up.I really really love him and it meant nothing with the other guy. I did it out of spite and anger. But now i really really want him back. He is not sure if he can get over the fact that i have been with someone else or not. He says the image just keep replaying in his head. (i was his first btw). He did say things like maybe he should go try sleeping with another person then he might get over it.
I want to do no contact cause he says he needed time and space. I wanted to leave him alone entire but he said he prefers me to tell him what im doing and who im with everyday so he feels secure that i am not doing anything else. So im not sure whether no contact would be helpful in this situation. It has been 5 days since this had happened.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 6, 2019 at 9:45 pm
Vanessa, he wants you to tell him what you are doing because he wants to know he still has you as an option!!! Hes not insecure, he just doesnt want you to meet someone else because he knows you’re worth so much more, just you dont believe so! Ignore him for 30 days MINIUMUM, and no matter what he sends you, you do not reply. No more sex, no more meeting up and no more answering to him every day! Show him what a break up means, it means losing you. Stick to it and show yourself you are worth more than a back up plan to someone you shared your heart with!
Sj
August 13, 2019 at 8:30 pm
Hi my fiance left me, 3 weeks ago.
He has, 6 kids and ex wife is dead.
I took on all his kids like my own and love them all. I have one daughter to a previous partner. We had been trying for a baby for 10 months but nothing happened so we went to a doctor and it turned out he has fertility issues. Which up set me badly I felt I took on all his kids and now he cudnt give me the one thing I wanted.
The kids also made life hard on us as we had no babysitters to let us get alone time.
I found out he quit his job behind my bck and didn’t tell me for a week. I was cross and kicked him out. He then never came bck.
He took kids and left.
I begged him for weeks to sort it.
He said he was unhappy and stressed out.
I left him a week and called to c him and the kids.
He went mad at me said was I thick he didn’t want me. Kids all cried and begged to help more but he said no he was miserable.
Im broken cause he left me with no money car or anything.
I left my job to keep all the kids and cause we were planning a baby.
Only 7 weeks ago we were booking out wedding.
He has no conscience or emotion towards me or my daughter.
Not even a sorry.
He ruined my life and just moved on.
It’s like he only sees my faults nothing good I dne for him.
KK
July 3, 2019 at 5:50 am
I was actually wondering…how do you find strength to move on after dating someone and it ends with no real closure? I feel confused and frustrated. I want answers but I know I won’t get them. This break up was not a result of something dramatic that happened. After all that time of building a relationship, how does someone end it, blame it on you and take no responsibility for anything? Now you’re left trying to understand what happened and if it was actually anything. I feel very under appreciated even though I showed my appreciation and respect at the end. I know my value so I’m not really questioning myself for why it ended just want closure but know I won’t get it.
Katie
June 28, 2019 at 9:51 am
Hi there!
My boyfriend of 2 and a bit years split up with me 2 weeks ago. At first I kept thinking ‘how could he do this to me?’ etc but now I have realised that it was actually my fault. I have been struggling with anxiety and depression over the last year or so and so I’ve been a completely different person to the one my ex fell in love with. He was really supportive throughout but he had just had enough. I know that anxiety and depression can’t miraculously be cured; it takes time to get better. However, losing him has made me realise how horrible I had been to him and I feel like I had a big black rain cloud hanging over me. I feel like that has now disappeared and I have realised what I have lost. I rang him the other day to apologise but he was really cold with me and said I’m only calling him to get back together. I’m going to a festival next month and he’s going to be there so I plan to kinda show him how I’ve changed and I am the girl he fell in love with but I worry that it’s too little too late. Is there anything I can do?
Radka
May 8, 2019 at 5:21 pm
Well my situation is that my ex reached out 3 months after break up and we stayed in touch. A couple months later we met and were casually dating for like 4 months. We were intimate but not always, we only had one fight but we managed to work it through. He always reached out after a small break or nc. I have been struggling with some mental issues lately (depression and anxiety) and I hit the bottom one evening after we had a huge fight over texts. I ended up in hospital after I tried to kill myself. It wasn’t because of him, but I really needed him in those hard times. After I got back from hospital I asked him if we could talk. He came over and we did. we were both crying, he told me he cares about me but that he cant be with me cause this is too much and he is scared of being wirh person like me. After he left he deleted my number, didn’t block my thought, just deleted me. It hurts. I am going on therapy and trying to fight to be healthier and better. He said he never wants to see me again (he also did say that after our first break up) I also know he has been seeing somebody and he told me they slept together. He still wanted to see me and spend time with me even though he was also seeing the other girl. He said time wirh me was nice and that I understand him like nobody does and that I made him better person but this stress and fear he has because of me is not worth it:( idk what to do. He was love of my life:(
Radka
May 7, 2019 at 9:54 am
My situation is way more complicated than anything you have covered in your book or on this website and I think that I lost him forever and it is all my fault:(
Chris Seiter
May 7, 2019 at 7:59 pm
Hi Radka…you may be surprised at how many situations my Program can help with as the principles I teach arise from a basic psychological foundation we all possess. And I am also quite sure that the breakup is not ALL your fault. It never is the fault of one person. Relationships are far too complex for that to be the case.
Mae
October 24, 2018 at 3:46 pm
Hi,
My ex-boyfriend and I have been together for 2 and a half years. Our relationships has been rocky at the start but has generally been very happy after the adjustment period. We’ve had our fair share of fights, big and small, but they were mostly all resolved within a day or two, if not immediately. We were in a very serious relationship, where we have talked about the future and marriage, I have met all his family members and visits every weekend.
I am naturally a very flirtatious person, and my ex knows that. There has been an incident before where he found out that I was flirting with a guy over text and he was not happy with it. After a fight, he made it clear that, to him, flirting even just over text wasn’t acceptable and it upsets him.
However, 2 days ago, he found out again, that I have been flirting with some other guy over text (The texts were only flirtatious but never explicit, and things were kept strictly over text) and he asked me to show him the conversation, which I refused at the time. This is when he proposed the break up. After that, there was a period where both our emotions were flying high, I cried, kept saying sorry, and basically begged for him back and he deleted me on social media and packed all my belongings out of anger etc and said it’s too late and it won’t work out.
The main reasons he claimed for proposing the break-up was:
1) I’ve done it before, and he’d made it clear already that this action was unacceptable for him, but I still did it (and more unduly this time) despite that knowing that it would hurt him.
2) Even though I agreed to show him the text conversation at a later time, I refused to show him on the spot, so it is hard for him to trust me that nothing has been deleted or edited, leaving the imagination go wild.
3) That being flirtatious might just be who I am as a person, and him finding it unacceptable makes us not compatible.
After we both calmed down, we had a talk last night about the whole situation where I explained my perspective and he his. In the end we came to a conclusion, that after this incidence, he struggles and will struggle to trust me on anything in the future, and he also cannot fully trust that it was all harmless flirting, without any emotions or intentions. He cried a lot at the end, so I realised that he wanted to make this work really bad, but he couldn’t help not being able to trust me again. And if he couldn’t get over the trust issue himself, then there is nothing I can do. In the end, we both agreed that it’s not working out, and that we should both take some time before arranging for pick ups and such.
What should I do?
Chris Seiter
October 25, 2018 at 4:14 am
Hi Mae!
Maybe a break will do you both good. But make it a planned break. That is what NC is partly about. But its many other things. I encourage you to look at some of my Guides so you can come up to speed on how to handle yourself during the post breakup period. I see this relationship coming back together again, it just needs to be nurtured.