An ex boyfriend can have many reasons for why he wants to break up with you.
Sometimes he will not tell you. Or if he does, what he says may not be a full picture of what is going on in his mind.
If your boyfriend has decided to call it quits, just know that what he says is the reason for the breakup and the actual real causes of the split, are not always the same thing.
Most guys just don’t tell you the whole story. Your ex can be slippery with the real reasons for why he wanted to end the relationship. Like most guys, your boyfriend may be reluctant to come completely clean because he is avoiding a confrontation. It is also entirely possible he is not even sure what he really wants.
Maybe he is trying to spare your feelings. Perhaps he doesn’t have a clue what is causing him to break the news to you.
But don’t expect your ex to suddenly find a truth serum and reveal what really caused him to break it off with you.
And guess what? In the end, it really may not matter all that much.
Your Ex Boyfriend – A Knight in Shining Armour?
Your ex boyfriend is no Knight in Shining Armour.
But, I guess you know that already.
He probably did a number of things that didn’t sit well with you. I understand you are seeking the real reason for why he gave up on what the two of you had. Most people think there is this one thing…that one event or incident that can cause the relationship to go haywire and come tumbling down.
All you probably want to know is what is that one thing that was responsible for tearing the two of you apart.
You may think, “if I find what it is, we can fix it immediately”.
You may think to yourself, “it couldn’t be my looks” because your ex was always getting mad about guys hitting on you.
“It sure was not the sex”, you may think, because your ex boyfriend seemed to be very satisfied.
So you wrack your brain trying to figure out what really caused your ex boyfriend to bail out of the relationship.
Knowing the mind of a man is as difficult for women as it is for men who are constantly trying to understand the nature of women.
It is not an easy task to climb into your ex boyfriend’s psyche, unless you have some clues as to how men think.
That is what I am here for!
The Mind of the Breakup Man
My experience with guys who are on the wrong side of a breakup is that their ex girlfriend is usually a bit more gentle in their handling of the situation.
Women tend to be more passive aggressive in delivering the news and are not often directly confrontational.
Guys, on the other hand, tend to be more direct and less sensitive to how this relationship development is going to effect their girlfriend. They tend to be less contemplative and more impulsive and reactionary.
You are not a mind reader, but when your boyfriend starts to avoid you and not return your calls for what seems like forever, you usually know something is up. Something with your ex is off.
When your ex boyfriend rarely answers your texts or when he does, replies with only one or two words, you are probably right to feel that your boyfriend is pulling away.
Why does a boyfriend seem perfectly happy about the two of you, then suddenly you find yourself sitting across from him having the “talk”. Can you believe him when he is telling you that he is not ready to get so serious or that things are moving too fast? Can you trust him when he tells you that he just “needs some time” to work things out in his mind?
I don’t know your specific situation.
Maybe your ex was a really special guy and what he told you was the god’s honest truth.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
But my experience in dealing with thousands of boyfriend break ups is that there are always a few more wrinkles to what triggered the downfall of the relationship.
To make matters even more confusing, in some of the breakup situations, a guy may not have a good handle on what he really want. Your ex may have a vague sense of how to weigh the advantages and disadvantages of the relationship.
It is possible, your ex boyfriend is impulsive. He could be somewhat immature and inexperienced in dealing with the ups and downs a typical couple faces.
So you see, understanding these things about what drives a guy to give up on the relationship is far more involved that one would think. But if you can draw a bit closer to what was going on inside the mind of your boyfriend, it might just offer you some valuable insights that you can put to work if you chose to reunite with him.
Think about it this way…
All you want is the truth. But if truth be told, you probably want something else. You may still be thinking about getting your ex boyfriend back, but not the one who told he wanted to quit the relationship, but the guy who you fell in love with.
A part of you wants to forget the whole breakup episode ever happened. And sometimes you also probably want to club him over the head for putting you through all of this. My guess is that you are still very angry at him for breaking your heart and stripping away your dreams.
So what are you to do? And why on earth did he really leave you?
What Are the Reasons For Why An Ex Boyfriend Dumps His Girlfriend
The problem with listening to what your ex is telling you when he is parting ways is that you seldom get the whole truth.
Sometimes your ex will speak in code.
He will tell you on one hand that you are “great” and “didn’t do anything wrong“. After listening to all these compliments for a while, you can’t help but think that if you were everything he said, then no one in their right mind would ever break up with you.
You might think to yourself, “Jeez, what a bunch of baloney. I wish he would stop beating around the bush. I am sick of this passive crap.”
The “Passive Breakup Man”
So that is usually your first clue that you are NOT getting the straight truth.
When his breakup reasons come out in dribbles, you can’t help but scream out loud inside. You know what is coming. You know he is breaking up with you. But he just can’t seem to get around to doing it.
And if your ex’s reasoning sounds feeble or incomprehensible, it just makes things worst.
So this is one way in which your ex boyfriend might break the bad relationship news to you.
I think of breakup explanations like that as coming from the “The Passive Breakup Man“. Many guys who break up with their girlfriends usually fall into this category.
Here are some of the lines the “Passive Breakup Guy” will usually produce when he finally gets around to doing the deed.
“Honey, I have been wanting to tell you this for awhile. But I think we need to take a little break. Just for a short while. I am really overwhelmed at work (or school….or some personal commitment….etc) and just need some time to figure everything out. I really don’t want to let you down. You are the greatest and so…well…(he pauses or stutters), let’s just take a break for a spell.”
It makes you sick just reading it doesn’t!
What he may be really saying (but is too afraid for any number of reasons) is:
“Let’s just call off this romance. I have way too many things I want to do and you are getting in the way. Things have not been so bad, but I want to be free to pursue other options.”
Why Did He Really Breakup With You?
Now can we be sure if a guy uses a line like the one above that he really means what I translated?
No, of course not.
We can never be sure exactly why anyone does anything.
But with the Passive kind of breakup guy, we have some clues.
I have worked with many thousands of women and when they tell me they have been dealt the Passive Breakup Card by their boyfriend, it is usually because he is not ready to be tied down.
Some guys are like that.
Just went they get a good thing going, they get scared over the notion of making a commitment. Or sometimes the guy feels the relationship is moving too fast and wants to slow it down.
Then you also have guys who are trying to figure out if you are indeed “The One“. What better way (they think) to test that question than just going out and playing the field. I know it sounds stupid, but there are plenty of guys that take that path.
So if this is what happened to you, does that mean your man really knows what he wants?
Is it possible that your ex boyfriend has been bitten by the “grass is greener” syndrome?
It is possible, maybe even likely.
Or he is a little scared of commitment and needs time to process things?
This is very much in the cards.
Are You and He Meant For Each Other?
Ah, a question for the ages.
Everybody wants to know the answer to this.
Is dating like a game of pin ball? You randomly run into someone, fall in love and hope for the best?
Well, I sure hope not.
But think of it this way. If the Passive Break up Man decides to call it quits with you, just maybe it is for the best.
Just possibly, he and you are not the best fit.
Please don’t take that wrong!
Remember, I did say “maybe” and “possibly”!!
Look, here is my take on this.
We are all just trying to find our way through this jungle we call “life“. And sometimes we meet someone and fall in love, but the connection is not as strong as it might be with another.
How do I know that you and your ex boyfriend are not really destined to be with each other and that he and you will make a great pair?
Well, first of all, I don’t believe in destiny. Sorry!
I believe in that feather that’s drifting around in the movie, “Forest Gump”.
There is a certain degree of randomness and uncertainty in the different relationship paths we take.
But we can learn from the past and apply those lessons to the future. Your first, second, even third boyfriend experiences may not have been the most optimum choices for you. But the idea is you learn and get better at selecting someone who has similar values as you do and who is more compatible with you.
So until you and your boyfriend have more information about yourselves and how you are as a couple, you probably won’t know if the two of will be a successful couple.
Sometimes two people need to breakup to discover just how important they are to each other. There are no simple answers. Just like there are no quick, get your ex back solutions.
It shouldn’t work that way.
If you do end up back together, that process of finding each other again should never be rushed.
The main thing you can take away when your boyfriend delivers the breakup news to you in this fashion is that the chances of the two of you getting back together is pretty decent.
If he cares enough not to bruise your feelings, then it is likely that the two of you had some pretty good experiences together. And if he is confused about what he wants or is smitten with the grass is greener notion and wants to explore the field, then perhaps that is not such a bad thing. Yes, it will hurt and disappoint you. But wouldn’t you rather know this about him before you got married.
The Angry Break Up Man
When I talk with clients, they tell me all about the highs and lows about their breakup experiences.
“Highs!” you ask. “There are highs?”.
Absolutely there will be some high points as you work through your recovery!
But since we must, let’s talk first about some of the lows. Once in awhile I hear from my clients about their experiences with the “Angry Break up Guy”. This is the guy who, for whatever reason, chooses to simply go ballistic.
Whatever has set him off, is a huge question in itself. And sometimes it can be very revealing if you peel back the layers.
What matters is that there are some guys who handle a breakup very poorly. Their language can get abusive before, during, and after all the breakup phases. And by the way, if your boyfriend is every physically abusive, then get away and stay away.
The angry boyfriend usually does not call an end to a relationship so much because of something you think you did wrong.
Sure, you are no perfect. Who is?
Maybe you did something to help trigger the anger fit.
But If you peel back all the layers of his anger to get to its origins, you will usually find something that is inherently wrong in how he deals with stress and difficult situations.
There is usually some kind of dysfunction within the person who frequently flies off the handle.
It could be due to his jaded and cynical view of women.
It may be he is predisposed to behaving in this fashion because of his upbringing or personality type.
He may be exceptional impulsive in how he reacts in his environment.
But seldom is it because of something terrible you did.
He may try to position it in that way. And possibly throughout the relationship has fumed about this or that and tried to pin you with all the blame. But my experience with dealing with the angry types is they are working through something. They may have some type of hang up and it could be best for you to immediately get clear of this person.
Though you may still be psychologically drawn to him due to the the grip love can have on one, my advice to you is get yourself right into the No Contact Period and really stick with it.
An angry boyfriend can fairly quickly change his stripes and be Mr. Nice Guy. But too often I have seen women prematurely reconnect with this type of ex boyfriend, only to regret it later when his angry and abusive ways return.
The Avoidance Break Up Man
There are also guys who do everything they can think of to avoid telling you they want out of the relationship.
There are all kinds of flavors of these types of guys. One type can be described as the passive-aggressive boyfriend who tries to pick a fight with you hoping you will do him the favor of ending the relationship.
A subset of this avoidance type of boyfriend is the kind who decide to simply update their dating or availability profile on whatever social media platform they use. This kind of guy is trying to kill two birds with one stone. He wants to get started with “testing the field” and at the same time is hoping you or a friend of yours will find out about it. In his twisted way of thinking, he figures this is his way out of having to actually tell you he doesn’t want to see you anymore.
Then there is the boyfriend who practices the art of ghosting you out of his life.
I really think this is a cowardly and cruel act.
This kind of boyfriend just disappears. You don’t see him or hear from him.
He does not respond in any way to text messages or phone calls. You know he is out there because you have reliable reports from others that he has been spotted. But he does not care to even tell you that the relationship is over, never mind why.
Then there is the guy who takes it right up to the very edge, then pulls back either due to uncertainty or he simply chickens out. This kind of boyfriend just can’t seem to make up his mind. He may be indecisive by nature or he is thoroughly confused about how he feels about things.
Why Do These Guys Act This Way?
So what is the underlying reason why he is really wants to part ways with you?
Often, it is not something huge.
Otherwise, your boyfriend would not adopt the avoidance attitude.
It is usually a number of small things that add up in his mind. Somewhere along the way your guy does the relationship math in his head and if he does not like what sum he arrives at, he must just be looking to bail.
Now how he comes up with his math and how he prioritizes things is subject to all kinds of uncertainties.
Look, your ex boyfriend is probably no relationship whiz and if he does have a lot of experience, he may have no benchmark for what is a good, neutral, or qualifies as a bad relationship.
It is also possible he is a selfish type and broke up with you because he “Wants It All” (whatever that means!) and feels you can’t deliver. My experience with these types is they sometimes get a taste of the “real world” and later to realize they had it “good” with you all along.
So what is one to do with the kind of guy who seems incapable of taking a stand?
Well, in most of these cases I have spend this post talking abut, the solution is similar.
You need to adopt what I call the Holy Princess Principle!
The Holy Princess Principle
You may never fully understand why your ex boyfriend took it upon himself to tell you that he wanted out of the relationship.
Or maybe you have a pretty good idea of what motivated him to leave.
Either way, I think your response should be heartfelt, but tactical in its delivery. I think you should go full out with the Holy Princess Principle. You should project the image of someone making a clean break.
What on earth is that, you may ask!
At some point, you will have an opportunity to try and close the breakup loop with your ex boyfriend. Often, when you hear that you ex wants “out“, you will be in partial shock. Invariably, what will happen is there will be a second or sometimes a third followup conversation. Not all breakups are clean and immediate. Many usually have a sputtering end. At some point, you want to invoke the Princess Principle.
It involves taking the high road immediately after the break up. Some day, you will look back and feel pride about how you handled this most difficult conversation. And, by handling the conversation in this manner, you increase your chances of re-attracting your ex boyfriend if you later choose that path to explore.
While you may be angry or confused about the reasons surrounding his decision to end the relationship, you will benefit more by embarking on a journey of No Contact with your ex boyfriend. You don’t want to be perceived as the one who couldn’t let go.
Instinctively, people seek closure when things end.
We want to know why it happened and understand all the details around it. But, I think it can be problematic to get lost in chasing after answers you might never get. Sure, if there are lessons to be learned, you want to apply those. But you may find more answers by simply spending some quiet time with yourself and asking, “What could I have done differently?” You might surprise yourself with the quality of information you already know. Don’t expect that you will get the full truth and depth of answers you are seeking from your ex.
So how would a Princess handle her boyfriend in a situation like this?
She would handle it like a gem and as a result maintain the upper hand in the discussion.
She would not be begging for her boyfriend to reverse his decision. She would not plead for answers or be given another chance. The Princess would acknowledge what has been said, ask for clarification, accept it, and move one.
She can do this because she has is empowered. In effect, the Holy Princess is the Ungettable Girl.
Now in reality, you may not feel this way inside.
But this is how you want to project yourself. This is how you wish to be perceived by your ex boyfriend. It helps you in the short run to get past all of the emotions of the moment. You will benefit in the long run when your boyfriend sees you as an strong, independent woman. It will also cause him to mentally (or subconsciously) second guess himself about whether he did the right thing by leaving you.
So how would you carry out the Princess dialogue? What would you say exactly?
Try this on for size:
“I know this was hard for you. I can see your are struggling. I too am having a hard time with it. I am heartbroken for us both. But I want to thank you for helping create all the beautiful moments and experiences we shared together. I am going to NOW need some time to myself. Know that I love you.”
Then turn and walk away from him. You are now entering the No Contact phase.
(Can you see that the little love daggers are flying!)
Go about rebuilding your life.
During the time that you are engaged with the No Contact Period, please seek to become the “Ungettable Girl”, which I talk about throughout my website. As result of this process you will be much better off and in better position to decide what you want to do going forward.