Why Did My Ex Boyfriend Break Up With Me

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

An ex boyfriend can have many reasons for why he wants to break up with you.

Sometimes he will not tell you. Or if he does, what he says may not be a full picture of what is going on in his mind.

If your boyfriend has decided to call it quits, just know that what he says is the reason for the breakup and the actual real causes of the split, are not always the same thing.

Most guys just don’t tell you the whole story.  Your ex can be slippery with the real reasons for why he wanted to end the relationship. Like most guys, your boyfriend may be reluctant to come completely clean because he is avoiding a confrontation. It is also entirely possible he is not even sure what he really wants.

Maybe he is trying to spare your feelings.  Perhaps he doesn’t have a clue what is causing him to break the news to you.

But don’t expect your ex to suddenly find a truth serum and reveal what really caused him to break it off with you.

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Your Ex Boyfriend – A Knight in Shining Armour?

Your ex boyfriend is no Knight in Shining Armour.

But, I guess you know that already.

He probably did a number of things that didn’t sit well with you.  I understand you are seeking the real reason for why he gave up on what the two of you had. Most people think there is this one thing…that one event or incident that can cause the relationship to go haywire and come tumbling down.

All you probably want to know is what is that one thing that was responsible for tearing the two of you apart.

You may think, “if I find what it is, we can fix it immediately”.  

You may think to yourself, “it couldn’t be my looks” because your ex was always getting mad about guys hitting on you.

It sure was not the sex”, you may think, because your ex boyfriend seemed to be very satisfied.

So you wrack your brain trying to figure out what really caused your ex boyfriend to bail out of the relationship.

Knowing the mind of a man is as difficult for women as it is for men who are constantly trying to understand the nature of women.

It is not an easy task to climb into your ex boyfriend’s psyche, unless you have some clues as to how men think.

That is what I am here for!

The Mind of the Breakup Man

 

My experience with guys who are on the wrong side of a breakup is that their ex girlfriend is usually a bit more gentle in their handling of the situation.

Women tend to be more passive aggressive in delivering the news and are not often directly confrontational.

Guys, on the other hand, tend to be more direct and less sensitive to how this relationship development is going to effect their girlfriend.  They tend to be less contemplative and more impulsive and reactionary.

You are not a mind reader, but when your boyfriend starts to avoid you and not return your calls for what seems like forever, you usually know something is up.  Something with your ex is off.

When your ex boyfriend rarely answers your texts or when he does, replies with only one or two words, you are probably right to feel that your boyfriend is pulling away.

Why does a boyfriend seem perfectly happy about the two of you, then suddenly you find yourself sitting across from him having the “talk”.  Can you believe him when he is telling you that he is not ready to get so serious or that things are moving too fast?  Can you trust him when he tells you that he just “needs some time” to work things out in his mind?

I don’t know your specific situation.

Maybe your ex was a really special guy and what he told you was the god’s honest truth.

Nothing more.  Nothing less.

But my experience in dealing with thousands of boyfriend break ups is that there are always a few more wrinkles to what triggered the downfall of the relationship.

To make matters even more confusing, in some of the breakup situations, a guy may not have a  good handle on what he really want.  Your ex may have a vague sense of how to weigh the advantages and disadvantages of the relationship.

It is possible, your ex boyfriend is impulsive.  He could be somewhat immature and inexperienced in dealing with the ups and downs a typical couple faces.

So you see, understanding these things about what drives a guy to give up on the relationship is far more involved that one would think.  But if you can draw a bit closer to what was going on inside the mind of your boyfriend, it might just offer you some valuable insights that you can put to work if you chose to reunite with him.

Think about it this way…

All you want is the truth. But if truth be told, you probably want something else.  You may still be thinking about getting your ex boyfriend back, but not the one who told he wanted to quit the relationship, but the guy who you fell in love with.

A part of you wants to forget the whole breakup episode ever happened.  And sometimes you also probably want to club him over the head for putting you through all of this.  My guess is that you are still very angry at him for breaking your heart and stripping away your dreams.

So what are you to do?  And why on earth did he really leave you?

What Are the Reasons For Why An Ex Boyfriend Dumps His Girlfriend

The problem with listening to what your ex is telling you when he is parting ways is that you seldom get the whole truth.

Sometimes your ex will speak in code.

He will tell you on one hand that you are “great” and “didn’t do anything wrong“.  After listening to all these compliments for a while, you can’t help but think that if you were everything he said, then no one in their right mind would ever break up with you.

You might think to yourself, “Jeez, what a bunch of baloney. I wish he would stop beating around the bush.  I am sick of this passive crap.”

The “Passive Breakup Man”

So that is usually your first clue that you are NOT getting the straight truth.

When his breakup reasons come out in dribbles, you can’t help but scream out loud inside. You know what is coming.  You know he is breaking up with you. But he just can’t seem to get around to doing it.

And if your ex’s reasoning sounds feeble or incomprehensible, it just makes things worst.

So this is one way in which your ex boyfriend might break the bad relationship news to you.

I think of breakup explanations like that as coming from the “The Passive Breakup Man“.  Many guys who break up with their girlfriends usually fall into this category.

Here are some of the lines the “Passive Breakup Guy” will usually produce when he finally gets around to doing the deed.

Honey, I have been wanting to tell you this for awhile. But I think we need to take a little break.  Just for a short while.  I am really overwhelmed at work (or school….or some personal commitment….etc) and just need some time to figure everything out.  I really don’t want to let you down.  You are the greatest and so…well…(he pauses or stutters), let’s just take a break for a spell.”

It makes you sick just reading it doesn’t!

What he may be really saying (but is too afraid for any number of reasons) is:

Let’s just call off this romance.  I have way too many things I want to do and you are getting in the way.  Things have not been so bad, but I want to be free to pursue other options.”

Why Did He Really Breakup With You?

Now can we be sure if a guy uses a line like the one above that he really means what I translated?

No, of course not.

We can never be sure exactly why anyone does anything.

But with the Passive kind of breakup guy, we have some clues.

I have worked with many thousands of women and when they tell me they have been dealt the Passive Breakup Card by their boyfriend, it is usually because he is not ready to be tied down.

Some guys are like that.

Just went they get a good thing going, they get scared over the notion of making a commitment.  Or sometimes the guy feels the relationship is moving too fast and wants to slow it down.

Then you also have guys who are trying to figure out if you are indeed “The One“.   What better way (they think) to test that question than just going out and playing the field.  I know it sounds stupid, but there are plenty of guys that take that path.

So if this is what happened to you, does that mean your man really knows what he wants?

Probably not.

Is it possible that your ex boyfriend has been bitten by the “grass is greener” syndrome?

It is possible, maybe even likely.

Or he is a little scared of commitment and needs time to process things?

This is very much in the cards.

Are You and He Meant For Each Other?

Ah, a question for the ages.

Everybody wants to know the answer to this.

Is dating like a game of pin ball? You randomly run into someone, fall in love and hope for the best?

Well, I sure hope not.

But think of it this way.  If the Passive Break up Man decides to call it quits with you, just maybe it is for the best.

Just possibly, he and you are not the best fit.

Please don’t take that wrong!

Remember, I did say “maybe” and “possibly”!!

Look, here is my take on this.

We are all just trying to find our way through this jungle we call “life“.  And sometimes we meet someone and fall in love, but the connection is not as strong as it might be with another.

How do I know that you and your ex boyfriend are not really destined to be with each other and that he and you will make a great pair?

Well, first of all,  I don’t believe in destiny.  Sorry!

I believe in that feather that’s drifting around in the movie, “Forest Gump”.

There is a certain degree of randomness and uncertainty in the different relationship paths we take.

But we can learn from the past and apply those lessons to the future. Your first, second, even third boyfriend experiences may not have been the most optimum choices for you.  But the idea is you learn and get better at selecting someone who has similar values as you do and who is more compatible with you.

So until you and your boyfriend have more information about yourselves and how you are as a couple, you probably won’t know if the two of will be a successful couple.

Sometimes two people need to breakup to discover just how important they are to each other.  There are no simple answers.  Just like there are no quick, get your ex back solutions.

It shouldn’t work that way.

If you do end up back together, that process of finding each other again should never be rushed.

The main thing you can take away when your boyfriend delivers the breakup news to you in this fashion is that the chances of the two of you getting back together is pretty decent.

If he cares enough not to bruise your feelings, then it is likely that the two of you had some pretty good experiences together.  And if he is confused about what he wants or is smitten with the grass is greener notion and wants to explore the field, then perhaps that is not such a bad thing.  Yes, it will hurt and disappoint you.  But wouldn’t you rather know this about him before you got married.

The Angry Break Up Man

When I talk with clients, they tell me all about the highs and lows about their breakup experiences.

“Highs!” you ask. “There are highs?”.

Absolutely there will be some high points as you work through your recovery!

But since we must, let’s talk first about some of the lows.  Once in awhile I hear from my clients about their experiences with the “Angry Break up Guy”.  This is the guy who, for whatever reason, chooses to simply go ballistic.

Whatever has set him off, is a huge question in itself. And sometimes it can be very revealing if you peel back the layers.

What matters is that there are some guys who handle a breakup very poorly.  Their language can get abusive before, during, and after all the breakup phases.  And by the way, if your boyfriend is every physically abusive, then get away and stay away.

The angry boyfriend usually does not call an end to a relationship so much because of something you think you did wrong.

Sure, you are no perfect.  Who is?

Maybe you did something to help trigger the anger fit.

But If you peel back all the layers of his anger to get to its origins, you will usually find something that is inherently wrong in how he deals with stress and difficult situations.

There is usually some kind of dysfunction within the person who frequently flies off the handle.

It could be due to his jaded and cynical view of women.

It may be he is predisposed to behaving in this fashion because of his upbringing or personality type.

He may be exceptional impulsive in how he reacts in his environment.

But seldom is it because of something terrible you did.

He may try to position it in that way.  And possibly throughout the relationship has fumed about this or that and tried to pin you with all the blame.   But my experience with dealing with the angry types is they are working through something. They may have some type of hang up and it could be best for you to immediately get clear of this person.

Though you may still be psychologically drawn to him due to the the grip love can have on one, my advice to you is get yourself right into the No Contact Period and really stick with it.

An angry boyfriend can fairly quickly change his stripes and be Mr. Nice Guy.  But too often I have seen women prematurely reconnect with this type of ex boyfriend, only to regret it later when his angry and abusive ways return.

The Avoidance Break Up Man

There are also guys who do everything they can think of to avoid telling you they want out of the relationship.

There are all kinds of flavors of these types of guys.  One type can be described as the passive-aggressive boyfriend who tries to pick a fight with you hoping you will do him the favor of ending the relationship.

A subset of this avoidance type of boyfriend is the kind who decide to simply update their dating or availability profile on whatever social media platform they use.  This kind of guy is trying to kill two birds with one stone.  He wants to get started with “testing the field” and at the same time is hoping you or a friend of yours will find out about it.  In his twisted way of thinking, he figures this is his way out of having to actually tell you he doesn’t want to see you anymore.

Then there is the boyfriend who practices the art of ghosting you out of his life.

I really think this is a cowardly and cruel act.

This kind of boyfriend just disappears.  You don’t see him or hear from him.

He does not respond in any way to text messages or phone calls.  You know he is out there because you have reliable reports from others that he has been spotted.  But he does not care to even tell you that the relationship is over, never mind why.

Then there is the guy who takes it right up to the very edge, then pulls back either due to uncertainty or he simply chickens out.  This kind of boyfriend just can’t seem to make up his mind.  He may be indecisive by nature or he is thoroughly confused about how he feels about things.

Why Do These Guys Act This Way?

So what is the underlying reason why he is really wants to part ways with you?

Often, it is not something huge.

Otherwise, your boyfriend would not adopt the avoidance attitude.

It is usually a number of small things that add up in his mind.  Somewhere along the way your guy does the relationship math in his head and if he does not like what sum he arrives at, he must just be looking to bail.

Now how he comes up with his math and how he prioritizes things is subject to all kinds of uncertainties.

Look, your ex boyfriend is probably no relationship whiz and if he does have a lot of experience, he may have no benchmark for what is a good, neutral, or qualifies as a bad relationship.

It is also possible he is a selfish type and broke up with you because he “Wants It All” (whatever that means!) and feels you can’t deliver.  My experience with these types is they sometimes get a taste of the “real world” and later to realize they had it “good” with you all along.

So what is one to do with the kind of guy who seems incapable of taking a stand?

Well, in most of these cases I have spend this post talking abut, the solution is similar.

You need to adopt what I call the Holy Princess Principle!

The Holy Princess Principle

You may never fully understand why your ex boyfriend took it upon himself to tell you that he wanted out of the relationship.

Or maybe you have a pretty good idea of what motivated him to leave.

Either way, I think your response should be heartfelt, but tactical in its delivery. I think you should go full out with the Holy Princess Principle.  You should project the image of someone making a clean break.

What on earth is that, you may ask!

At some point, you will have an opportunity to try and close the breakup loop with your ex boyfriend.  Often, when you hear that you ex wants “out“, you will be in partial shock.  Invariably, what will happen is there will be a second or sometimes a third followup conversation.  Not all breakups are clean and immediate.  Many usually have a sputtering end.  At some point, you want to invoke the Princess Principle.

It involves taking the high road immediately after the break up. Some day, you will look back and feel pride about how you handled this most difficult conversation.  And, by handling the conversation in this manner, you increase your chances of re-attracting your ex boyfriend if you later choose that path to explore.

While you may be angry or confused about the reasons surrounding his decision to end the relationship, you will benefit more by embarking on a journey of No Contact with your ex boyfriend.  You don’t want to be perceived as the one who couldn’t let go.

Instinctively, people seek closure when things end.

We want to know why it happened and understand all the details around it.  But, I think it can be problematic to get lost in chasing after answers you might never get.   Sure, if there are lessons to be learned, you want to apply those.  But you may find more answers by simply spending some quiet time with yourself and asking, “What could I have done differently?”  You might surprise yourself with the quality of information you already know.   Don’t expect that you will get the full truth and depth of answers you are seeking from your ex.

So how would a Princess handle her boyfriend in a situation like this?

She would handle it like a gem and as a result maintain the upper hand in the discussion.

She would not be begging for her boyfriend to reverse his decision. She would not plead for answers or be given another chance.  The Princess would acknowledge what has been said, ask for clarification, accept it, and move one.

She can do this because she has is empowered.  In effect, the Holy Princess is the Ungettable Girl.

Now in reality, you may not feel this way inside.

But this is how you want to project yourself.  This is how you wish to be perceived by your ex boyfriend.  It helps you in the short run to get past all of the emotions of the moment.  You will benefit in the long run when your boyfriend sees you as an strong, independent woman.  It will also cause him to mentally (or subconsciously) second guess himself about whether he did the right thing by leaving you.

So how would you carry out the Princess dialogue?  What would you say exactly?

Try this on for size:

“I know this was hard for you.  I can see your are struggling.  I too am having a hard time with it.  I am heartbroken for us both. But I want to thank you for helping create all the beautiful moments and experiences we shared together.  I am going to NOW need some time to myself.  Know that I love you.”

Then turn and walk away from him. You are now entering the No Contact phase.

(Can you see that the little love daggers are flying!)

Go about rebuilding your life.

During the time that you are engaged with the No Contact Period, please seek to become the “Ungettable Girl”, which I talk about throughout my website.  As result of this process you will be much better off and in better position to decide what you want to do going forward.

February 1, 2017

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

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What Do You Think? (56)

  1. Renee - 0

    Renee

    Hi,

    Id really appreciate it if you could help me! Me and my ex have been broken up for almost 6 months now which I know is a pretty long time. We were together for almost a year and a half. Me and him really were a good match. We shared a lot of the same values, opinions and outlook on life. We just got each other and together I think we worked really well. When we first started dating everyone would joke we were the boy/girl versions of each other. We both really seemed to enjoy being together and we clearly loved each other. Our close friends would always mention to me how obvious it was that he loved me a lot and he always showed it too. He would express to me how he’d never felt like this toward anyone before and would say how he couldn’t ever picture dating anyone else but me and how he couldn’t imagine not having me in his life. Not only did we love each other but we also besides the relationship became each others best friends. Neither of us had a lot of close friends and besides me he really didn’t have anyone else he was close to. This had worried me a little because at times i wondered if he was only with me because he felt like I was his only option but I got over these thoughts because his actions greatly proved otherwise. We were never the perfect couple and we would have little fights about stupid things but neither of us were ever able to stay upset at the other for very long. About 9 months into our relationship I started experiencing a lot of personal stress that started occurring in my own life. It had nothing to do with our relationship but I wasn’t able to deal with the stress well and I became a very tense, emotional person. I absolutely hated it but I started taking it out on him and I began nitpicking everything he did and I would just get upset at him over nothing almost all the time. In reality however he was doing absolutely nothing wrong I just handled everything very poorly. I felt terrible about it and it made me start to question our relationship simply because i knew he deserved better than me and I knew at that time I wasn’t being a very good girlfriend. I began bringing up the idea of breaking up because I didn’t want to be a person that hurt him and at this point in my life I didn’t feel like I could control myself enough not to. I however realized I didn’t have the heart to break up with him and also I didn’t want to. Thinking it was the right thing to do however I expressed all this to him and tried to get him to break up with me and he refused to. No matter how mean and upset I got during this time in my life he never left my side and never even seemed to consider doing so. He would be so adamant that we need each other and that were not breaking up and he would just continue to support me and tell me he loved me. This period lasted for about 4 months until I graduated high school. After graduation all the negative things that had been going on in my life went away and in relation out relationship returned to being happy and enjoyable like it had been before everything bad had come up. We had an amazing summer together and we were both happy. At the end of August we knew id be moving away for college but we didn’t talk about it much because it made both of us (especially him) sad. A week and a half before I left I finally just brought it up and he cried saying he was going to miss me so much and he didn’t know what he was going to do without me here with him. The week before I left I started getting really depressed and tense because I was really dreading leaving him and my other close friends and again I let the tension build up inside me and then one night when I was with him the weekend before I left I just lost it and picked a super stupid fight and I said all these things that I absolutely did not mean and it was just awful. It was the worst fight we had ever had and we both cried and I ended up sending him home because I just felt like I needed to sort myself out before I did anything else Id regret. That was the first time ever I had sent him away after a fight and it was the first time ever he didn’t text me to check up on me after. The very next day I apologized to him like a million times and we talked about it and he promised we were good again and he forgave me. The rest of the week went well and on the day I left we both cried. We talked on the phone and texted and he would say he loved me and how he missed me so much. But then only 1 week after I left he sent me a very random, sudden text saying that he was breaking up with me. Obviously I was shocked and stunned and extremely hurt. We talked on the phone and it was like in the week we had been apart he had become a different person. I felt like I didn’t even know the guy I was talking to. I begged him to be honest with me in his reasoning and he just said that he though he could do the distance but he can’t and its just to hard. Also he mentioned wanting to keep his options open and the one thing he just kept repeating over and over again was “its just the way it had to be. Im sorry but I’ve made up my mind”. He promised me the reasons he gave me were the truth and I believe him but they also just don’t seem to really make a ton of sense. Everyone was shocked that he broke up with me. It was very out of the blue and it also seemed very out of character for him. I was especially confused because after everything we went though together in the past and how even when I was trying to get him to break up with me he wouldn’t yet were apart for a week and he says he can’t do it??? On the phone he said he didn’t love me and that I wasn’t his best friend even though a week earlier he definitely would have said those things were absolutely true. I don’t know if he was just saying that so id lay off him or what. What bothered me the most was that he didn’t even seem that bothered by the breakup. The guy that was just crying about me leaving now didn’t even seem to care. It just didn’t seem like the person I knew at all. Also during the breakup he promised me repeatedly it was because of nothing I did and even when I brought up the big fight we had he said it had nothing to do with that. I did 1 month of no contact and then we had a few contacts with each other in the 2 months that followed. He always seemed to respond positively but at the same time he didn’t seem super interested. He only initiated anything once and that conversation went really well but after that conversation he seemed to lose all interest in talking to me completely (which again was confusing with the sudden change). I came home for winter break and I saw him regularly at the gym but he never acknowledged me and in turn I guess I did the same back to him. We only had one texting convo during the break that seemed to be positive but nothing ever happened from it and its been over a month sense Ive last heard anything from him. Ever sense the break up I’m almost positive he’s been actively looking for someone new to date although I believe currently he’s still single. I guess what I’m wondering now that I’ve said all the facts is what you think his true reasons for breaking up with me were and if it did have anything to do with me and how I treated him (even though he promised it didn’t). Also if you could explain how he did such a sudden 360 flip on his feelings for me and how he acted towards me in a week and what could have been going on in his head that’d be helpful because Im so confused by that. I don’t see how you go from loving me so much like he did to pretending I’m a stranger like its nothing. Also looking forward how can I make him want to talk to me again?? I really miss him and i miss him being my friend. Also if you do think his reasoning had something to do with how I acted, in the past few months Ive really worked on myself and Ive definitely changed for the better. What happened in the past when I was under stress will definitely not be happening anymore. How do I show him thinks can be different?? Thanks so much!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Renee,

      There’s no such thing as sudden with breakups.There’s always a reason. The fights probably had built up in him, and when you left, instead of missing you, he felt relief.. Right now, how much did you improve in the past 6 months?

  2. Taylor - 0

    Taylor

    I have read through all these articles and so many others. My eyes hurt so much and I just want to figure out what’s going on.
    My ex and I broke up 4 days ago after a year of dating and before that on again off again due to distance. We were very close and lovey and he practically lived at my place even though he had his own apt.
    It was kind of out of the blue but he sat down and told me he hadn’t been honest about his feelings for me the last couple weeks and that the flame had run out. He figured it would get better but every time he saw me all he could think about was how his feelings changed so he broke up with me. He also said he needed time to figure out what he wanted because he was lost. I was so shocked I didn’t even know what to say. We had gotten coffee that morning and I just planned a trip out for Easter with his family and by night he just dropped the bomb. He also mentioned that I’m graduating in May and he has 1 more year, and his mom would continuously ask him if we were going to get married since we were active.
    I so far have stuck to no contact since he left my place, and I’ve posted snap stories and he’s viewed them all fairly quickly but I refuse to look at his. He went on a sports trip this weekend and I saw snaps of him partying from my friends on the team but 1. I knew he was going to because he told me earlier in the week and 2. I figured that was his way of handling the situation since some of his tweets are sad.
    I don’t want to give up hope on us. And I’m really working on myself. I’ve hung out with my friends and painted, journaled, and I have walked every morning. However, we go to the same school AND have the same friend group.
    However, I can’t get him off my mind and I don’t know if he’s truly over me. He has never actually gone more than 10/15 days without me so I really want to stick to this no contact because I make it so easy for him to come back.

    Please please please!! Asking for advice.

    Reply
    • Taylor - 0

      Taylor

      Also, our one year officially is Valentine’s Day. And that kind of stressed him out too

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Taylor,

      Im not sure if you saw my reply in your first comment, so i’m going to paste my answer there and add a little more.

      Hi Taylor,

      I think that’s just it, that you spent so much time together, it got boring. So, I think you have a chance doing the no contact rule.

      since you go to school together, you can use the same advice in the link below and, widen your world. Do new things and make nee friends.

      EBR 032: What To Do If You Work With Your Ex Boyfriend

  3. Carrie - 0

    Carrie

    I have read every love and relationship blog I can find on the internet. I can’t say I’m finding anyone who can address my specific situation. What if your ex broke up with you for career/financial reasons? Since he got laid off in the beginning of the courtship, it has some truth behind it, but I also know my anxiety issues probably pushed him away as well.
    I made a huge mistake during and after the break up by being needy and begging… his response was that he still cared about me and I’m a good person, but he “doesn’t want to drag me down with him”. He still would contact me a week later asking how my day was and say he was just checking on me… and I respond with how heartbroken I still am, was.
    He dropped my things off at my apartment while I was at work one day and has yet to even mention wanting or needing his stuff back. Including his house keys. Not sure what that’s about…?
    I’ve never been this upset by a break up and I’ve never had an ex not want me back until now when I am the one who wants him back!
    I re initiated the NC rule on the 1st. He deleted me from Snapchat and I unfollowed him on FB and changed my settings so I would not be notified if he contacts me. I have started working on me, working out and seeing a counselor for my anxiety. I have tried to post about my happy, regular, everyday life and the improvements I have been making in hopes he is stalking me on FB and it will make him miss me.
    I know it’s early, but with the financial situation he cited in the break up, does this strategy still work to get your ex back?? I think I should mention that I have my own job, my own car, my own place, and I take care of myself. He and I never tried to support the other financially and we agree we don’t want to have to depend on someone else. But, just because you don’t depend on someone financially, doesn’t mean you can”t depend on them for emotional support when you’re going through a life changing transition like career changes…. This is feeling like a lost cause.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Carrie,

      how long were you together? You said he lost his job at the courtship stage, so in the whole relationship he didn’t have another job? But you know, most of the time, men don’t tell the real reason of the break up, that may have been just his excuse.

    • Carrie - 0

      Carrie

      Just about three months, which I know is not long, but felt longer because everything was easy and felt so natural. He started working odd jobs right after the lay off then was hired onto a job in a new field where he had to start over and work his way back up. That’s when the break up occurred. When he settled into a new field and accepted the fact that he would have to start at the bottom and work his way back up again.
      I do believe my insecurities played a role in it as well. That’s my only saving grace when I think about the NC rule and using that time to actually be bettering myself.

    • Carrie - 0

      Carrie

      It was only about three months. He worked odd jobs right after the lay off until settling into a new career where he has to start at the bottom and work his way back up. That’s when the break up occurred. I think it might legitimately be a part of his excuse. But it’s no secret that I had my own anxiety issues that I got hung up on that he probably decided he didn’t want to deal with. Is that my saving grace here? The fact that finances were just part of the excuse? Will this process of NC and bettering myself still have the potential to get us back together if I don’t have all the facts of why he actually broke up with me?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      if he related you to stress, like he’s already stressed at work and then he’s also getting stressed with you, then there’s a chance if you genuinely change,.improve and have your own life but if it’s really his insecurities..no matter what you do, unless he learns.how to manage challenges in life, it will not help..

  4. drizzy - 0

    drizzy

    hi amor! i’ve come to your website in the past to ask for advice on my ex, and i found it very helpful. it was back in august of last year when my ex had broken up with me. i discovered this website shortly after and read several different articles. i asked all the questions i could, and realized that i had to go with the no contact. him and i split for reasons i don’t even understand until today, but i’ve accepted it. for an entire month after our breakup, we still hung out with one another (clearly we both allowed our feelings to take control of our actions). finally, we both split our ways, and didn’t talk to one another. i tried to continue with my no contact, and i’d say i was pretty successful with it. however, i found myself finding interest in another guy 2 weeks later. we started hanging out and talking a lot. it made me forget about my ex, and i really started to like this new guy. however, that only lasted about 2 months, and later faded by the end of november. my ex doesn’t know about that, but if he did, i know it would probably hurt him. a lot has changed since then. my ex and i now have physics together during 2nd period, but we don’t talk to one another. he only said hi on the first day, but stopped the following day because he noticed that my very close guy friend would wait outside our class for me everyday. so my ex ignored my existence. my best friend that would wait for me everyday ended up moving schools so he isn’t there to wait for me anymore. my ex quickly picked up on that and instantly started talking to me while we would leave class. i also began hearing from our mutual friends that there is “a good chance we could get back together,” and that there “is still love on his side.” As for me, I kept quiet and didn’t act like i cared that he “might’ve still had feelings.” I wanted him to be the one to come to me and express his so called “feelings” if they were true. I wanted to hear it from him. I didn’t want to play the telephone game. Everyone assumes that I don’t care and that I’m trying to get over him, but I still care a lot about him, and the feelings are still present. Yet, he still doesn’t acknowledge me. He has been very on and off with taking initiative, but he might be confused? I know that I am. Well yesterday I had to stay in at lunch in class and make up some work. The bell had rang, but I stayed behind and so did my ex to ask my teacher a question. I had to do a lab, but I needed a partner. As my ex was walking out of class, I asked if he would mind helping me or being my partner for the quick lab. He said he didn’t mind, so he stayed in at lunch to help me. It was supposed to take about 5 minutes, but it ended up taking 35, and he stayed with me even past lunch. i got a pass to my next class, and since he has half day, he went home. he never showed up to school the following day (today), but i am definitely catching feelings for him again. it was nice of him to help, and it felt great just being around him for a bit. i dont know if it means anything though, and i’m not sure if he really has feelings for me back. all this sounds great, but there is a downside to all of this, and that is that im moving in less than 3 months. and its not just a move to another city, but across the other side of the world. a 9 hour flight away. he is aware of this, but doesn’t seem to care when i bring it up. it breaks my heart knowing that i still feel this way towards him, and still not having that closure. i have no idea where the both of us stand at this very moment in time, and im scared that time is running out on us. i can sense that he wants to move on, and im sure he just waiting for me to be gone completely. i dont think he will ever come forward with how he feels because unfortunately, he happens to be very egotistical and prideful. there was one point in time where i knew he loved me, but im afraid he cares more about himself now. he seems very selfish and thinks he is superior to everyone else because of his looks. he recently became a model and is getting loads of attention from it. i know he is good looking, but i look past all of that, and i only ever see the real him. he just doesn’t seem like the same. i sense that he is honestly lost. i know that we were very attached to one another, and i find myself sometimes getting lost without him as well. i don’t know if he decided to model to build his self esteem or show me that he is truly the one winning after the breakup. i also see it as a coping mechanism for him to get over the relationship. unfortunately, this is all a game. as much as i dont want it to be, it is. i know his pride is going to take over his whole self and he is never going to admit how he truly feels. he is scared of rejection. i guess this is where i find myself lost as well. since i am moving soon, i dont know if i just go to him and tell him how i feel or wait to see if he says anything to me? i would love to be friends, but i dont know how he feels about that? i also dont know if i should just leave and make him regret it all. i know im sort of in the right. he broke my heart so much, i just want to be able to turn tables. they began turning for a quick second as he started to become the one to show that he missed me, but he immediately went back to not acknowledging me. i guess i just need the best advice because im becoming lost with what is happening between us. i dont know if its worth effort if he isnt going to value me. i know we love one another, but we’re probably just both scared. i have 3 months to get my closure and go, or try to build that friendship. we didn’t end on bad terms, it was just because he thought i needed time to myself. he was right, i really needed that time. he is starting to become my focus again, and i can feel the feelings quickly rushing back. i dont want him gone from my life. i love him deeply, and i know somewhere within him there is a spark as well. we had a special bond and he always used to talk about marriage. he is 18, and i am 16. we dated for a year exactly, but he broke up with me only 3 days after our anniversary. so what do you think i should do amor? after all this time. it being almost 6 months since the breakup. is it his turn to express himself, or mine? do i build a friendship, or forget it and let go? do i delete him off everything and keep him out of my life, or still allow him to be present? please help! any advice is great! thanks again 🙂

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Drizzy,

      I think he just doesn’t want to invest too much or let you expect because you’re leaving. But if you want, why not just be friendly for the sake of being friends. So, that when you move, it wouldn’t be awkward to keep chatting with him.

    • dizzy - 0

      dizzy

      thanks amor! i think hes definitely 1 foot in and 1 foot out you know what i mean? i guess i could say the same goes for me because i don’t know what to expect. it’s hard to be friendly with him because he barely comes around. but when he does, i’m very nice to him. i’m not necessarily flirty, but just nice. he is the same with me. i got close to him the other day, but that’s only because i was showing him something off of my phone. i just hope that him and i could stay friends. do you think before i go i should talk to him and thank him for everything and wish him the best? or should i just say bye, but hope we can stay friends? that’s where i stay stuck. his parents don’t really like me, so getting back together isn’t really an option. staying friends might also be hard because we would probably have to keep that a secret from his parents. my parents on the other hand are very open minded and loved him. they don’t control what i do, they allow me to make decisions for myself. overall, i would say he’s a great person and a great friend. yes i still have feelings for him so seeing him with somebody else might be very hard for me, but i can imagine the same goes for him. the hardest thing for me is knowing that when i move, it could be the last time i’d ever see him. however, i believe that love is strong, and any couple could be brought back together with that complex yet simple connection of love. i’m not sure if i have a long goodbye speech to him if that would scare him away and show him i’m too overemotional, or if it doesn’t matter? so do i keep it short and simple, or long and thoughtful? do i tell him i love him one last time, or keep it to myself? i’m sorry for so many questions, but i’m begging for closure, but also staying hopefu for our future. the door is shut, but it’s not locked. it’s unlocked, and he’s keeping it cracked. that’s basically where we are at right now …

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      you have to be clear and honest with yourself first..because you said there’s no option of getting back together because of his parents but you’re still hopeful because you believe in love.. That’s why you don’t know what to do. That’s two opposing beliefs. Choose one. If you really believe in love, start by building the foundation of friendship. Talk to him when you have a chance about a topic. When you’re building a friendship, you bond or talk about something of same interest right? We don’t ask to be friends and then expect it to just automatically happen.. Actually, its better not to ask for friendship but to just do it.. Don’t overthink. And do more of what makes you happy so that you cultivate that perspective of being positive and true to who you really are. 🙂

  5. lala - 0

    lala

    my ex and i were tgt for abt 1 year until he broke up w me a month ago. we were doing well until he suddenly sent me a text saying that he wanted to break up w me. he said he wants to be single again and feels that being in a relationship makes him feel tied down. he said he didn’t want to hurt me anymore as he gets angry and stressed out easily which would cause him to vent his anger on me unintentionally. he felt that we shld be “just friends” so that none of us will get hurt. i don’t understand why he’s doing this??? he texted me 2 days after our breakup asking how i was doing and we started to chat a lil, same went for every few days he would text me. i was so confused so i asked if he still loved me or if he has gotten over me, he answered “i’m sticking to my decision” i was so frustrated so i replied saying that i can’t text him as “just friends” when i still have feelings for him, i also said that i’m not sure if there’s any hope for us since he has no feelings for me. he replied “if i didnt have feelings for u, i wouldn’t even text u in the first place”. why would he do all these when he still loves me?? a few weeks ago was his bday, i met up w him to give him the present. he thanked me, asked if i was going home after that and also asked if i was alone or w my friends earlier on that day. he seemed rly friendly towards me. after he went home he sent me a pic of the gift i got for him, he thanked me again and told me how much he loved it .. i still couldn’t get over him, i love him so much .. so abt 2 weeks ago i texted him asking if he was willing to give it another shot and i told him that i would text him lesser than before so that he can do his stuff since he likes “being alone”. then again, he said he doesn’t want a rs and wants to be single, he also said that there’s no diff if we rly get back tgt or not since we alr aren’t texting much like what i said i’ll do if we actually get back tgt. last week i didn’t go to sch bc i wasn’t feeling well and he texted me to ask if i was okay. he still cares abt me but im not sure if it’s bc he’s just being friendly or .. idk
    it has alr been a month since we broke up and i’m not sure if i shld move on or not give up on him. the thing is .. when we broke up he said he still has feelings for me but that was a month ago and i’m not sure if he still has feelings for me .. i kept reminding myself to not think of him but that made me think of him more. honestly, i rly love him alot. he stays alone and is probably going through a lot of stress due to sch stuff and being away from his family. i suspect he broke up w me bc he has depression or sth .. idk .. i was thinking if he rly does have depression, shld show him that im always there for him so that he would feel happier or if i shld just stick to the no contact rule. but he’s rly stubborn and won’t open up to anyone, not even his friends. i wna be there for him but im pretty sure he’ll push me away .. again ..

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Lala,

      if he has depression he needs to go to counseling, but in your side, you can’t feed it by being friendly if you want a more than friends relationship. If he’s suicidal, that’s different. But right now, don’t put yourself in the friendzone. Stick to at least 30 days of no contact and be active in improving yourself. He has to feel he’s going to lose you and he has to feel regret. If he can see that he can get what he wants with just being friends, then he really wouldn’t recommmit.

  6. Amanda - 0

    Amanda

    My boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me October 18, 2016. He claimed there was no more “chemistry”, he doesn’t know if the newness of the relationship wore off yet gave me a list of good characteristics about myself & said he’s probably making a bad decision but he’s not mentally in this relationship.
    I took all of that as BS because we always had good chemistry, sex daily, all those good characteristics of me yet we’re not together (really?) & then a break up out of the blue. Not the guy who was so eager to introduce me to his family, friends, & neighbors as his girlfriend or wanted me to join him on every family get-together no matter how personal.
    I’m not going to lie, I was hurt; felt lied to like where did this come from? I came up with so many possibilities as to why things ended without warning: I picked up more hours (worked 13 days straight dbl shifts), didn’t have sex those 13+ days, another girl, his ex, his HS friend died–
    We were FWB as of November 19th 2016 which was my idea. I refuse to buy a toy or play with myself for I prefer the real thing & besides he’s the best sex partner I’ve ever had. He has also expressed me being his best sex partner, wishing we dated when we were in our late teens, & wished I was a virgin for him. Nothing changed with FWB other than the gf/bf title & constant comminication. Otherwise he was still affectionate & talkative, says “what I got you got”, I got dressed right after meanwhile he laid in bed like he wanted to cuddle & talk, he still walked me out to my car & watched till I drove off outta sight, he gave these long hug embraces, kisses, asked me to text him I’m home, & he still had some of my belongings laying around his house when he had the opportunity in October to put my belongings in a bag for me. He told me he’s depressed & thinks about me sexually & about our chemistry often; still thinks I’m beautiful (I really am) & a good person. The breakup was fresh at that time so I tried to avoid eye contact, kissing, talking about us, calling/texting him, left right after sex, he wanted to listen to love songs (our song) during sex but I told him hip-hop/rap, & I tried not to be so open with him.

    (Even though we were together 5 months before that we knew of each other for his family frequently dined at a restaurant I worked at where he said he had a crush on me for the longest.) Yet if that were true…His dream girl was right in front of him & he didn’t want to fight for us.

    We got back together in early December & then January 7th 2017 he broke up with me again for the same so-called reasons.
    We were off from work due to winter break (we both work for the school district). The last week of vacation I didn’t see him at all. This is the week where I felt something was off like he was resorting to his old ways….That inevitable cycle where the breakup is around the corner.
    That Mon of breakup week was my last “Good morning my beautiful girlfriend” text. Tuesday I asked if we could meet up? No answer. I later followed up with I’m going to grab lunch & asked if he wanted me to get him something? No answer. He calls me says we’d have to reschedule because he has to help his mom with the heater (I’ve NEVER been over with the heater on). Wednesday he said he was going over a male friends house. I ask since I’m in the area maybe we can link up afterwards? He said sounded good. I called & texted him, but no response. Thursday I called & texted NOTHING. He lives by a farmer’s market so I went there, then decided to drive by his house. When he wasn’t there I drive by his gym. I get a text around 6pm saying “Sorry, I left my phone at my friend’s house and just got it back.” I speak to him later & he’s claiming to be sick. I offer to buy him meds & provisions. He thanks me & declines. Before if he was sick he still wanted to see me & have sex. Not this time. I felt I was going up & beyond giving effort while he wasn’t so I fell back.
    Friday & Saturday I don’t hear from him at all nor did I contact him. So I decide to make a cameo appearance at his house Saturday night (Jan 7) I looked bomb!
    That Saturday (Jan 7th) he basically says he was just about to text me before I came over & that he doesn’t know. I said I already know. He looked puzzled. I’m like yeah, this is your pattern. I asked him if he loved himself? He says he thinks so. I tell him he doesn’t love himself, nor experienced love growing up, so you don’t know how to love. He was quiet.
    I wanted my pillowcase & his tax preparers number & he wanted his scarf so we agreed Sun (Jan 8th) to meet up to exchange. He walks me out to my car even though I tell him it isn’t necessary. He watches me drive off.
    Sun (Jan 8th) we meet up after 7pm to exchange our belongings. Had over a 2 hr conversation. I tell you he didn’t have a legitimate reason for the breakup. I told him we all have days where we don’t want to talk to anyone or go out…Just communicate. I told him all of our stupid petty arguments can be easily resolved. I told him I was a good girlfriend: gave him space, supportive of his music (he wants to be a rapper), made things convenient for you, you said it yourself the sex is good. I said before we got back together I told you I don’t want to make up to break up cycle. Everything I said he agreed, or said you’re right, or when you put it that way, or I didn’t think/see it that way.
    He tells me he still thinks I’m beautiful & I’m a good person & that he has nothing negative to say about me. I told him this time around I know it’s not me & all him! He says he’s probably making a mistake & it’s probably him he just doesn’t know why he feels this way. I asked him how long has he felt this way? He doesn’t know (Smh) So I ask NYE? He says no. I ask Christmas? He says no. I said if you felt this way before Christmas then we had no reason rekindling our relationship & pretending by buying Christmas gifts, Christmas Eve with your family & ringing in 2017. He was quiet. He gave me 3 long hug embraces & asked me when I’ll have surgery (like why do u care?) He gave me compliments on how I looked. He walked me to my car & watched me drive off.

    It’s been 30 days of NC as of today. Not gonna lie. I hope he thinks of me & feels he made a mistake. I wouldn’t take him back again because clearly he doesn’t know how to do relationships, immature, feels the grass is greener, or with someone else. But despite ALL of that & knowing the background info do you think he’ll contact me?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Amanda,

      probably, but I admit, it can be because he would want to be friends with benefits again but if you’re moving on, it doesn’t matter anymore if he contacts you or not. Actually it would be better if he doesn’t so you can fully move on.

    • Amanda - 0

      Amanda

      I have been improving myself during these 31 days of NC by selling my old car, going on 4 job interviews, cutting my hair, told by nearly everyone I’m losing weight, and applied for my 2nd B.S. degree.
      Him & I are not friends on FB so I can’t build rapport because I deleted him after first breakup. Yet, my profile is available to the public.
      I work 2 jobs (1 school district & other as a restaurant manager) 1 employee is a high schooler in which attends the school in which he works. Says he looks depressed. I asked how so? Because he never smiles, looks like he hates his job & life.
      Well, in response he does hate his job & doesn’t make much money as a special needs assistant sub, but told me he finds it easy. His real passion is music. And his life…He’s trying to buy a mobile home so he says, lives with his mom at 29 who has mental issues & a hoarder…Maybe doesn’t like where his life is at. Anyway, this high schooler wouldn’t spare my feelings & is super smart.
      So then do you think everything he told me was BS?
      Thank you for taking the time to read & respond 🙂

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      hmm.. I kinda confused with your reply.. It sounds like you want to get back together but there’s just no other choice but to move on.. but, I thought you are moving on because you said you’re not going to take him back again. So, correct me if I’m wrong. I can’t say totally BS, but like you said, he’s immature. He probably means some of it.

  7. ll - 0

    ll

    To add to my first post. We were together for 18months, him recently coming out of a long term relationship 10+ years when we meet and started dating (although in my defense he was on match.com). I think our relationship was at the make or break moment at Christmas/Holidays because it was one of those if we stayed together we were probably going to start the talk about moving in and etc. And I think the moving from one serious relationship to another one with out “playing the field” freaked him out.

    I still don’t know why I freaked out and panicked asking for a meeting the first time I saw him. Do I go NC again? ugg.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi LL,

      Yeah, I think you should restart a 30 day nc..

  8. ll - 0

    ll

    Is there any way to recover from asking for a meeting to discuss the break up? I was blindside and he is in my opinion suffering from Grass is greener/ Passive kind of breakup guy. We went NC for 25 days then I randomly ran into him but didn’t talk, he sent me a text that said ” Hey sorry I could stop and chat … I’m off to a lunch meeting”
    I sent a text say “its too bad … hope your meeting went well. I’m off to my own” ….. Then two days later I messed up and sent ” after the last few days I’ve been thinking about it a lot and was hoping you would be willing to meet quickly sometime next week to talk.” he responded with ” Sure. Let’s see how my week of unpacking is going. Later in the week ok? I responded with ” thanks and later in the week works better for me too. also I’m not sure if talk is the correct term… more of a debrief? which we can use for both our benefits Not sure if you have any questions for me but you can ask them.”

    WHY did I do that? honestly. That was sent on Saturday and I haven’t heard from him since nor have I texted him….. is there recovery from this?

    Reply
  9. Hannah - 0

    Hannah

    what does he mean when he says he’s tired of love? our relationship was amazing the whole 8 months until we had a stupid misunderstanding (i mistook his affection for hatred and he got offended and fed up, lol it’s a long story), where he claimed he was tired of showing affection and sick of love. He changed DRASTICALLY. One month later we broke up. Will he ever change his mind abt this whole love thingy?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Hannah

      probably that he got fed up or annoyed..are you clingy? when did you exactly broke up? did you chase him?

    • Hannah - 0

      Hannah

      Hi. To answer yr question, no i wasn’t too clingy. In fact, he was clingier than me and he always said he didnt mind me being clingy cuz it made him feel needed. I just finished no contact. It’s been a month after our break up and he hasnt reached out at all. So im confused why he changed so drastically. Should i believe him when he says he’s tired of loving anymore

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      There’s no such thing as sudden with break ups. It’s either he got bored over time slowly or something happened, or came up that made him think the grass is greener on the other side.. If you improved yourself and actively posted in social media, then initiate contact.. If not, it would be better to restart the count and do that first.

  10. alexandra - 0

    alexandra

    my boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me the previous week because he said that he had a “lot in his life right now” and that he should “fix/focus on himself first so he wouldn’t hurt me”. i know this may seem like a short while of dating, but i was just so in love with him, and the same with him. everything seemed so perfect between the two of us, and i’ve even heard people say that we were both meant for each other. now after the break up, i still just miss him so much, and i’m just so desperate to get him back. was this a good enough reason to break it off? how could i ever win him back if he doesn’t even text me nor talk to me anymore?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Alexandra,

      do you want to try the no contact rule?

    • alexandra - 0

      alexandra

      i guess i have, i’m about a week into it at the moment. how long before the silence should be broken?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      do at least 30 days but dont just be silent. Be active in improving yourself and in posting. Click this:
      The Ungettable Girl

  11. Victoria - 0

    Victoria

    Thank you for the amazing articles they are really helping me get some clarity during this rough patch. My boyfriend of 3 years decided to break up a few days ago and I have been devasted. Our break up has been a neutral one. Essentially, he is having many personal problems with his family, and who he is as a person. In his own words he said that he could no longer be with me as he needs to find himself and become a better person. In the best way I could I told him that I understand and that I will support him with his decision. He told me that he loves me no matter what and would like to remain friends and stay in touch as he manages with himself, but told me not to wait for him. I appreciate that he has broken up in respect to me instead of dragging me down in his soul searching.

    However, I’m not sure if I can ever play the ‘just friends’ at the moment. He wanted to see me the day after the break up and he got angry when’s I didn’t reply back fast enough. I would like to try the no contact technique to help me move on and to see if he is willing to keep our connection that we have. I love him and miss him dearly we are best friends, and I know he feels the same. I’m finding it hard that it’s over and I would take him back once I see noticeable changes in his life and he is doing something for himself and is happy to look himself in mirror. I guess it’s not that easy.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Victoria,

      I Answered your first post, I think your plan is good..

  12. Victoria - 0

    Victoria

    My boyfriend and I have just ended 3 year relationship. We had amazing 3 years together, we were in some ways different people, we never clashed heads or fought. And when we did fight we would resolve the argument straight away. Before we broke up I made a small suggestions of ways our relationship could improve. After that conversation he came to see me as because he is becoming depressed – not because of me but other personal/family reasons. He told me he needed a break to find himself as he is at a loss at the moment. I told him in the best way I could and that is I understand what he is going through and I would support him by giving the space he needs. Following this almost a week later – we broke up.

    It’s been only a couple of days. Upon refelecting this he broke up with me because he respected me and would like to remain friends while he works things out, but still wants to see me regularly. He doesn’t want me waiting on him either, which I get. But I love him and miss him extremely (my heart aches and my head hurts) and he loves/misses me as well, it was such a neutral break up. I would like to try the 30 day rule and completely ignore him then try to do the ‘friends’ thing, and maybe try to meet some new guys to see if he is the one that I want. Does this sound plausible?

    Reply
  13. Macey - 0

    Macey

    we were each others first loves and everything was perfect. We were madly in love with each other until school started. He was working more and I was studying a lot so we didn’t see each other which started fights that didn’t need to happen. He broke up with me because he didn’t feel the same way anymore and kept telling me that he wants us focus on his studies and once school ends we can try to work things out again. He gave me hope and one night he said that he wants to know what it’s like being with someone else. My 30 days of no contact is coming up and I want to contact him. I feel like some of the stuff he said about what it’s like to be with someone else was because I kept trying to convince him to get back together with me. I want to start talking to him to build rapport. Do you think I have a chance?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Macey,

      how much did you improve in the last 30 days and were you active in posting in social media?

    • Macey - 0

      Macey

      I’ve improved a lot. I’ve gone to therapy to deal with my anxiety through the whole situation. I’ve started yoga and have been hanging out with friends. I feel like I’ve changed a lot! The 30 days also gave me a lot of time to think of ways we could of worked around all the fights. Honestly on social media I deactivated my Facebook the day after he told me that he wanted to see what it’s like to be with someone else. I didn’t want to see any pictures if he did find someone. I still have him on snapchat and I’ve posted probably 3 stories in the past 30 days. We both are following each other on Instagram still but I haven’t posted any pictures and he rarely gets on but his best friend and sister still follow me.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      actually you have to be active in posting in social media.. I think you need to extend to 45 days..because that’s your indirect way of showing your improvements.. and when did he tell you he wants to try with somebody else? is it during the nc period?

    • Macey - 0

      Macey

      He’s likes football so I was going to say something to him the day of the super bowl for our first contact which is this weekend and was going to build from there. Should I extend it? What if I posted on social media while talking to him? So I would indirectly be posting about my improvements while increasing our communication to rebuild attraction. Or would you still stuck to an extended contact? The last time we talked was when he told me about maybe we should see other people and then I started no contact to improve myself and increase him missing me.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      ah..I still think you should extend so, that when he gets curious after your first contact, he has something to see.. and after 45 days, you should still be active in improving and posting while building rapport with him

  14. Jesse - 0

    Jesse

    Hi,

    My ex and I had a good conversation on the phone last night. We talked for over an hour. We both said that we’ve cried everyday since breaking up two months ago and that we only really remember the good things and he said we were really great friends in the relationship. We also said that we didn’t really want to talk about the past. But he also said that the relationship was super stressful and that we aren’t right for each other. I agreed that it was good for us to separate. He said it was risky to meet up next week to see what it would like to be friends, but he was willing to take the risk as long as we were honest with ourselves and each other about how it made us feel. But he clarified that it was only as long as we agreed that it wasn’t a meet up to get back together. He said we could probably never get back together.

    But I guess I feel like I am ready to start dating again and still DO want to be together, taking things very very slowly, especially now that we have a clean slate. What do I do? Should I text him to cancel and let him know that I still want us to work? Do I meet up with him and see how it goes and say at the end that talking to him on the phone and now seeing him has made me realize that, while I’m glad we separated and wasn’t sure what I wanted, I’ve since realized that I want him as my family, not just as my friend? And that I’ll probably never want only friendship from him? Do I tell him that this separation has provided me with the power to believe in us again?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jesse,

      if you want him back, you have to use this opportunity to start out as friends and then slowly reattract him.. like what he said, the relationship was too stressful, he doesn’t want to get back together now,.so agree.. He has to think that you’ve moved on and he has to see you in a different light, better and attractive for him to think you’re not the same girl he used to know.
      don’t say you’ve changed.. that’s so obvious that you’re just trying to convince him..

    • Jesse - 0

      Jesse

      Our counselor texted me today so I let him know about it and this is how it went:

      Me:
      Did Will text you again?
      Him:
      No, did he text you?
      Me:
      Yeah. Why is he being so persistent? You literally said no. Is he that strapped for cash?
      Him:
      What did he say?
      Me:
      “Have thought about our work and what you would like to do?”
      Which, thanks for full sentences
      Him:
      Did you reply?
      Me:
      Not yet I wanted to touch base with you first
      Him:
      What are you thinking? What do you want to do?
      Me:
      You want to just talk about it in person?
      Him:
      Sure, we can do.
      Me:
      Alright, I’ll just relay the sitch

      What’s your advice? Also, I’m not a girl. I’m gay.

    • Jesse - 0

      Jesse

      (Though I am the bottom)

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      owkie! No worries! I think that’s a good convo. Look your best when you meet up and keep it short, light and fun

    • Jesse - 0

      Jesse

      But how do I keep it short, light and fun, while still talking about couples counseling? How do I do both? Based on our conversation, how much of a shot do I seem to have?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      honestly it’s small because he said he doesn’t want to go back together..So, he has to see you in a different light first.
      don’t overthink.just be normal. Dress well, smell good, smile, greet him, talk about what’s current in your lives and what’s happening around you at that time

  15. Ola - 0

    Ola

    Hi!
    My ex and I broke up few months ago. I had done the no contact rule, than I started texting him. We are seeing each other right now ( sometimes we have sex) I know that he feels something to me but he is afraid of getting back together, he prefers to be single in case he finds someone better. Besides he is very ambitious and he has good grades at his studies so he said that he doesnt want a relationship with me, because he has to be focused at this. Right now he has a lot of exams and since 8th January we haven’t seen each other. I offered him a meeting 4 times but he didn’t want to meet, because he hasn’t got free time. I don’t know how to act, should I offer him meeting in future or wait? How should I behave to convince him that I can be the best girl for him so he could get back to me? Please help me

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Ola,

      You have to stop sleeping with him first.. Are you going to do that?

    • Ola - 0

      Ola

      Yes I am, but I don’t know what to do next.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      ok..first, stop chasing and dont ever sleep with him again if you’re not officially back together because he only views you as his friend with benefits right now.
      Since you already did nc, it would have lesser chance of helping you but it’s still better to do it again to get out of the cycle.. Focus in having your own life. Do new things and make new friends, after it slowly rebuild rapport again and refuse sleeping with him coz there’s a high chance he will try again since that’s how he sees you.. Refusing and continuing on improving yourself is your way of raising value while rebuilding rapport. You don’t convince somebody to be attracted to you, it’s the physical looks, character, actions, and values that attract a person..do at least 45 days..

    • Ola - 0

      Ola

      Unfortunately there is another problem. Yesterday he told me that he is dating someone. He decided to stop friends with benefits but we can stay just normal friends. I will do the nc contact again but how to win with this other girl? What if after 45 days he wouldn’t want to meet with me?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      dont ask to meet right away after 45 days.. set aside thinking about the other girl because what’s more important is that you raise your value in his eyes

  16. A heartbroken fan - 0

    A heartbroken fan

    Chris chris chris…I wanted to tell you how amazing and empowering your articles are for womens going through the toughest time in their life. I myself is seperated from my husband at the moment & he has decided he wants to end our marriage. I don’t know if I will ever get him back, but I wanted to thank you for writing all this amazing articles, they have taught me so much about relationships.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Thank you! I’ll forward this to Chris

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