Welcome to Episode 3 of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.
I am really excited with how this Podcast is going and I hope you guys are getting a lot out of it.
I have already gotten a lot of positive feedback so I hope to keep the ball rolling!
Today I would like to introduce you to a woman named Natalie.
Natalie has a very interesting question,
“Does having your own life actually do the opposite of what many women think and actually help you get your ex boyfriend back?”
Now, many of you may be wondering why Natalie would be asking this question.
It’s pretty simple really,
- It has been 2 years since the breakup with her ex.
- In that 2 years she has started her own business, started dating again and feels very confident.
- Her ex has kind of come back into the picture lately congratulating her.
- When she was with him she kind of didn’t do a good job of having her own life/going out with friends.
- So, now that she does “have her own life” he has started finding her attractive again.
Here is what I will be talking about in this Episode of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast,
What I Cover In This Episode
- Mistakes that women often make in relationships that “turn off” their boyfriends
- How The NC Rule plays into helping women correct their mistakes
- The Grass Is Greener Syndrome
- Time is a great long term ally to getting an ex back
IMPORTANT Links In This Episode
- Common Mistakes Women Can Make
- Why Men Fall Out Of Love
- The Grass Is Greener Syndrome
- Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO
The Game Plan For This Episode
Natalie had a question that wasn’t really amenable to a game plan seeing as how her ex was already coming back into her life. However, I don’t want to leave you, the listener, out to dry here so I game planned for a situation that I know a lot of you are in.
The following game plan is for women who really had no interests of their own or made their lives match their ex boyfriends life.
In other words, they stole his life…
In the podcast I believe I miscounted the steps to this game plan which clearly shows what subject I favored in school.
Hint Hint: It’s not math!
Alright, so if you ever find yourself in a situation where you “stole” your exes interests rather than having your own you should do the following things,
Step One- Determine The Changes
What did you do wrong in the relationship?
How many interests did you steal?
Were you a little too clingy?
Did you not have your own life?
Write down all of the things you did wrong and how you are going to change them in a positive manner going forward.
Step Two- Make Them
This one is pretty simple. Once you have determined the changes in you need to make do whatever you can to make them.
Step Three- Don’t Be Too Available
If we assume that your ex pulls what Natalie’s ex is doing to her then you need to make a mental not to not be too available for him. Prove to him that you have your own life now and he is going to have to work to “win” you.
Step Four- Play Hard To Get
Men deep down are intrigued by women who are hard to get.
Why do you think this strategy is so effective!
Oh, and don’t sleep with him on the first date or anything like that.
A woman who does that sends off a signal that she is easy to get not the other way around.
Step Five- Leave Him Wanting More
Perhaps the most important rule?
If you listen to the podcast then you will hear the fear in my voice when I get to his section. I imagine I made a lot of people laugh with what happened after my story.
Don’t know what I am talking about?
You are going to have to listen to the full episode to find out.
How To Ask Me A Question For The Podcast?
A lot of women are wondering exactly what they need to do to leave me a voice mail on the Podcast to have their question potentially featured and answered.
The truth is that it is really easy!
All you have to do is visit my SpeakPipe page which you can find below,
Once you are there you will be given the ability to record a message.
(If you are using a phone you may have to download their free app)
I’ll see you tomorrow!
Welcome to Episode 3 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I just want to take a moment to thank you for listening to this podcast. It helps if you can leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher. Subscribe to the podcast and you’ll get daily updates.
Today, we’re going to have a pretty interesting question from a woman named Natalie. Let’s hear from Natalie right now:
“Hi, my name is Natalie and my question is this. It’s been almost two years since the breakup with my ex and I have since then started my own business and started dating. I feel at 100% with my confidence.
I’ve noticed that he’s been calling and texting me a lot more often and telling me how proud he is of me, and that I look really good. When we were together, I stopped following my dreams and going out with friends to be closer to him, realizing now that all it did was push him away. Would you say having your own life despite fear of losing a man actually does the opposite and keeps him interested?”
Thank you, Natalie, for asking that amazing question. I’m really excited that you asked this. This is a topic that I haven’t dived into that much during my time with Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. I’d like to start today’s episode off with a quote from Frank Sinatra. He said, “The best revenge in life is massive success.” I think that holds true to Natalie’s situation here.
She’s gotten some success in her life. It’s been two years since the breakup. She started her own business. She started dating again. She feels 100% with her confidence. Her ex has kind of come back into the picture lately. He may have sensed that she’s feeling more confident. It’s interesting.
She’s doing well with her life. She’s having some success with her life. All of a sudden, her ex comes back in. Even though she’s not technically trying to get revenge on her ex, who knows, maybe he was a really bad guy and he deserves it. Having success in your life and striving to become better than you are, even if you’re an incredible human being and trying to strive farther than that, can have an amazing effect on your love life.
Natalie’s question was, “Does having your own life actually help you get your ex back?” When we were listening to Natalie’s situation, she said something that I thought was really interesting. She said when she was with him, she got caught up in his world. She didn’t have her own life, so to speak. Her life was his life and he didn’t find that very attractive. I find that women often make similar mistakes in relationships. It pushes their boyfriends or now ex-boyfriends away.
I’m going to cover a few of the mistakes that I see women make here. I’ll talk specifically about Natalie’s mistake. The very first mistake that I see a lot of women make in relationships is that they’re too clingy. Another mistake is that they’re really needy or high maintenance. They require a lot of upkeep and attention to survive.
The reason that this springs to mind is because I’m writing an article right now about the reasons that men fall out of love. I focused on the high maintenance thing this morning. This is about a woman who is extremely high maintenance.
I don’t want you to get me wrong. Some high maintenance is okay. Everyone has their own needs. Everyone needs attention in a relationship. I’m talking about an extreme form of high maintenance where it’s almost like one person is in the relationship and the other person doesn’t get their needs met at all. High maintenance, clinginess and neediness are on the list.
Another very common thing that I see women do in relationships do that’s a mistake is that they don’t have their own lives. More specifically, they hijack their boyfriend’s life. Let’s say that you are dating a guy and you’re hijacking his life. You throw away everything in your own life, and his life becomes your life. Let’s say that the guy you’re dating is obsessed with baseball. All of a sudden, you become obsessed with baseball and you don’t have any original thoughts of your own.
I’m not going to lie to you. There are some guys who like having a woman who is completely theirs, that they own. These are few and far between. They’re not very common. They’re extremely rare. In most cases, it turns a guy off completely. It seems like it turned Natalie’s ex-boyfriend off from her.
This poses a really interesting question. Why is this so unattractive to a man? Why is it that having a girl who basically hijacks a guy’s life turns him off? The example I’m going to use here is with a video game. I know a lot of the women listeners don’t play video games, but bear with me. I promise, this is going to make complete sense to you. Imagine that you’re playing a video game, let’s say Super Mario. You’re playing Super Mario. All of a sudden, someone gives you a cheat code that will win the game for you. You put in the cheat code and you win. It’s an instantaneous win. What’s fun about that? Part of the fun of playing a video game is the fact that it challenges you. It’s not easy. Winning at the end feels like an accomplishment. The reason it feels like an accomplishment is because it was so hard to win.
I like to compare this to relationships. What’s fun about a relationship, to a guy, when he already knows that he can control this girl any way he wants? She’s obsessed with him. What’s fun about that? What is attractive about that to a guy? What’s challenging about that? Some guys like weak women. Most guys don’t, deep down.
They like it when a woman challenges them. In the end, it makes them feel like they accomplished something. That may be a little demeaning towards women, but we’re looking at the mind of a man here. The mind of a man isn’t always a gender-neutral place. Men like to win prizes. Never ever forget that.
Avid readers of my site know that I’m a big advocate of the no contact rule. One of the reasons that I recommend the no contact rule so highly is that it helps women correct this problem. Imagine that you have a woman who does not have her own life. She hijacked her boyfriend’s life. The no contact rule is a period of time where she can correct that and figure out what she needs to do to get her own life back.
If you think about it, the woman that the guy fell in love with is not the woman that he fell out of love with. I’m going to do a little role play here because I think it will better illustrate this point. Imagine that you and I are not dating yet but we’re talking. I have my own life and you have your own life.
I’m attracted to you because you have your own life. You are your own person. You are you. During our relationship, you changed. Change is the most inevitable thing that will ever happen. More often than not, changing who you are in a relationship is not a good thing. Taking over someone else’s interests and pushing aside your own doesn’t really work in the end.
Let’s say that I decide to date you. Lucky you, I’m awesome. Kidding aside, we are dating. Somewhere in the relationship, I figure out, “Wait, she’s not the same person that I fell for. She’s basically a carbon copy of me.” This is unattractive to me because I fell for you for who you were before the relationship started. All you did was take over my interests. You didn’t have an original thought of your own. Maybe that’s not accurate. I should say that you didn’t have an original interest of your own if you’re taking over my interests. That’s usually never a good thing.
I love recommending the no contact rule as a way for women to almost press the reset button and correct this problem. It’s a way for them to get back to their former selves or the selves that the guy they’re trying to get back fell in love with. That is where Natalie aced the test in spades. She did exactly that. She got back to her roots.
When you look at Natalie’s situation, it’s been two years since the breakup with her ex. She’s made some serious changes. She’s started her own business. Kudos to you, Natalie. That is incredible. I wish you the best in your endeavors. She started dating again, which can create some jealousy with an ex.
When you’re looking at an ex that is two years post-breakup, probably not. It’s more for Natalie’s inner self. The coolest aspect of this is that Natalie really feels 100% more confident. She feels way more confident than she did before she made these changes in her life.
What’s happening here? Why is her ex-boyfriend coming back to her after all of these changes? There are two reasons. Having your own life actually will help you get your ex back. Don’t believe it if someone tells you it’s okay not to have your own life. Having your own life is essential for getting your ex back.
The second reason is a much more interesting reason. I like to call it the “grass is greener” syndrome. I think what happened to Natalie’s ex-boyfriend is that he started getting a little bit of the grass is greener syndrome. I describe it as someone who leaves a relationship and gets into another relationship or experiences someone else. Then they compare their new relationship to the old relationship that they had with you.
The grass is greener syndrome can work in two ways. Two outcomes can occur here. Your ex could decide that the grass is greener on the other side. The person he is with is better than you and he’s happy. Or he could determine that the grass is not greener on the other side. He made a mistake by leaving you.
That’s what I think happened in Natalie’s case. I think her ex, two years removed after the breakup, dated around. He has experienced other people. He’s comparing these other people to Natalie. Maybe he went on a date and compared that date to his first date with Natalie. Maybe he was in a relationship with someone and the person he was with was super clingy. Then he compared the clingy girl to Natalie, and Natalie was not clingy. He’s thinking to himself, “I might have made a mistake by breaking up with that one.”
I’m going to tell you a fun, little story. One of my very good friends told me a story a couple of years ago about the one that got away. The way he talked about this girl, he was in love with her. I don’t remember exactly what happened for the two of them to break up. It was a couple of years ago. If you’ve dealt with as many breakups as I have through Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, your memory is shot a little bit.
I do remember this part. He had been married after this girl. He’d gotten a divorce from his wife. Even after all of this, he was still thinking about this girl. He had the grass is greener syndrome in spades. He kept thinking, “Man, she got away. I let her get away. I made a mistake.” Maybe that’s what’s happening here with Natalie’s ex.
The main takeaway is that, sometimes it will take a while for an ex to come back to you. Natalie, in my opinion, did everything right. I don’t know what exactly she did after the breakup, short term. Long term, she started a business. She started dating again. She started working on herself mentally, maybe even physically. I don’t know. She didn’t say anything about that. Long term, she did everything right to get her ex back. Without her even lifting a finger, he’s coming back. Keep that in mind when you’re trying to get your ex back.
A lot of women expect immediate results. So many people want to figure out, “How can I get my ex back as soon as possible?” I understand that. A lot of times, it just takes time. This is a process that you really cannot rush. Sometimes, the short-term methods won’t work. The long-term methods work that Natalie displayed here.
They may not work 100% all the time. If you are really looking to get an ex back long term, years after the breakup, what Natalie is doing is the way to go.
As you know, here is the structure of this podcast. You call in. I’ll answer your question. Then at the end, I’ll give you a game plan. This is a unique situation. Natalie didn’t ask a question that’s conducive of a game plan. I’m not going to leave you empty-handed here.
We’re going to make a few assumptions before I get into this game plan. Assumption number one: You want your ex back.
Assumption number two: You did what Natalie did and lost your own interests. You took more interest in him and his life. Your world revolved around his world.
I would like to teach you exactly what to do in this situation to get an ex back long term. Step one of the game plan is to determine the changes that you need to make. If you were clingy in the relationship, don’t be clingy. If you were needy in the relationship, work on the neediness. Figure out exactly how you took over his life. What changed? What interests do you need to get back to from the beginning? What interests you at the core? Don’t think about him. Focus on you.
A lot of times, the way back to an ex’s heart is through self-improvement. Step two, once you have determined what changes you need to make, make them. It’s as simple as that. Make the changes. Will it take a year? Will it take two years? Will it take three years? Maybe.
Here is a side note. Even if you don’t get your ex back in this case, it’s not the end of the world. Doing what I’m explaining here, a long-term method of getting your ex back, you’re getting something out of it.
At the very least, you’re improving yourself. When you improve yourself, you attract attractive things to you. Maybe not your ex. Maybe it’s someone else. Maybe you put yourself in an opportunity where you meet the man of your dreams. Who knows? Our goal here is to try and get your ex back.
Step three, let’s assume that you make these changes. Your ex gravitates toward you like he is to Natalie. Natalie made all of these incredible changes. Then, all of a sudden, he’s showing up again. He’s messaging her, telling her how great she’s doing and how proud he is.
In this case, don’t be too available for him. You want him to feel wanted, but you don’t want to become too available for him. You have to play a little game at the beginning to re-attract him and re-grab his attention. Step three is not to be too available for him.
Step four, play hard to get a little bit. On dates, play hard to get. Don’t sleep with him on the first date. Make him work a little bit. Make him prove how much you mean to him.
Step five is also very important. Always, always leave him wanting more. I cannot stress this enough. This is the most important part of this game plan. You have to leave him wanting more. I cannot stress how important this is. If you do leave an ex wanting more, he’ll marry you. Seriously.
I’m going to tell you a story about something my wife used to do to me. I don’t even think she meant to do it, but it worked incredibly. When we were talking, we weren’t dating yet. She would always call me. You could say, “She’s calling you and you’re not calling her.” It didn’t matter. I’ll tell you why. It’s because of the way she would end the conversations.
When my wife and I first met, she had a horrible phone. She didn’t have a smartphone. It was a really bad phone. The connection was bad a lot of times. She would call me. We would be on the phone for about 45 minutes to an hour. It was a great conversation. Every day, it was conversations that you never wanted to end.
I remember that she would be talking and I would be daydreaming, thinking, “Wow, this is incredible. I don’t want this conversation to end.” We would riff off each other. She would say something, I would say something and the conversation would grow from there. All of a sudden, bang. She’s gone. I would say, “Wait, she hung up on me.”
I would get really angry and call her back. She wouldn’t pick up. It would go straight to voicemail. I’d call again and it would go straight to voicemail. About two hours later, she’d call me and say, “Sorry, my phone died. The battery is bad.” All was forgiven for me because she was back on the phone.
Here’s the funny part. There would be times when she did that but wouldn’t call me back for the rest of the day. I don’t think she did it in purpose. It made me depressed. I really liked her. I wanted her to talk to me all day, every day.
We would talk for an hour. At the very high point of the conversation, her phone would suddenly “die.” She would leave the conversation at the high point. I would be left wanting more. She would not talk to me for the rest of the day because her phone “died.” To this day, she has still not told me if she meant to do it or not. I think she meant to do it. I really do.
That was a fun story about how important it is to leave your ex-boyfriend wanting more. She’s my wife now. We weren’t dating at the time. I hope she does not listen to this because I’m going to be in the dog house. I’m going to end the episode here because I think I’m going to get in trouble from her.
Thank you so much for listening to Episode 3 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Please subscribe to this podcast on iTunes. Leave a legitimate review or comment on it. It really helps out. It’s the only way this podcast can continue to survive.
Thank you so much for listening to the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. If you want to call in, just read the show notes from this call. Call in and ask me a question for Episode 4, 5, 6 or any future episode. You can find that at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode3. I hope you have a great rest of the day, night or morning. I will see you tomorrow.