So, in the beginning of the relationship things were wonderful and magical, and you could never imagine a day that he wouldn’t look at you with adoring eyes. Unfortunately, this happens a lot in relationships today.
It’s a hard truth that after you’ve been with someone for a while. Maybe you’ve gotten used to him. Perhaps he doesn’t dazzle you the same way they used to. Personally, I don’t really mind when this happens in relationships… to an extent. To me it just means you’ve entered another level of trust and affection. It means you don’t need to put on a full face of makeup before leaving the house because you know he doesn’t need to see you all made up to love you and be attracted to you. It’s a comfortable companionship and friendship, and the longest lasting and most successful relationships are based on those two things.
But why I added the “to an extent” caveat earlier is because even if the two of you fall into a comfortable companionship, that doesn’t mean that respect, affection, and appreciation should go out the window. But so frequently, it does.
Once you’ve been with each other for a while, it’s not unusual that someone gets taken for granted.
Let me tell you something: Recovery isn’t always about getting an ex back. Sometimes, it’s also about figuring out what you deserve. And, sometimes that means realizing that you deserve better than you’ve been getting. Sometimes, in our Facebook Group Here women make their “I’m finally moving on!” posts:
“He never valued me or the things I did for him.”
“My ex never respected me or the work I did in our relationship.””
“He never acknowledged my worth.”
“I deserve better.”
It’s a pretty common to realize an ex boyfriend that you’ve been putting on a pedestal actually didn’t value you and what you did for them as much as they did in the beginning. It’s empowering to realize that we deserve better that what we’ve been running after.
But why is this such a common problem? And what can we do about it?
Why Men Take Their Girlfriends, Wives, Or Partners For Granted
I hesitate to say this, but I do think it is generally true that men tend to take their female partners for granted more than women tend to take their male partners for granted.
I have a theory about why this is.
Historically, men’s primary job in the family order was to go out into the world and provide. As cavemen, males were the ones to go out and hunt to provide food for their family. As time progressed, men continued to be the ones to go out and work to make money to provide for their family, while the women were left home to tend to the household duties and children – which brings me to women’s expected role. Women have historically been considered to be the more social of the sexes. Their relationships with other people – their husbands, children, and friends, were their primary purpose. Women were responsible for the relationship side of things, while men were responsible for providing.
It’s no wonder, based on this centuries-old social construct that women generally tend to put in more effort into relationships than men do. Even now, when we have broken through most of the “expected roles” with more women than ever before as part of the workforce, and men are doing more stay at home parenting, there is still a certain level of expectation that women will keep the relationship running smoothly.
It is no secret that you have to continue to date and fall in love with your partner everyday. This means two weeks into your relationship or 20 years into your relationship. A little bit of effort goes a long way, but as time goes on, that seems to get forgotten. We get comfortable and begin to feel like we don’t need to try as hard. I’m not saying that a man should cook his wife a five course dinner each Saturday night, although, I’m sure that would be appreciated. I am saying that a little thoughtfulness and acknowledging a partner’s thoughtfulness will go a long way.
And this doesn’t just go for men. Just because this may generally come more naturally for women doesn’t mean we don’t sometimes need the reminder, too.
- Remember to say thank you.
- Do small things to show him you’re thinking of him.
- Tell him what you like about him.
If you haven’t read up on the Five Love Languages, I suggest you do so that you can get an idea of how you tend to express love, and how you receive it. Because, not everyone needs to be loved in the same way.
Here is a quick breakdown of the love languages to get you started:
- Quality Time – spending time with your partner doing things together that one or both of you enjoy.
- Physical Touch – cuddling, hugging, physical intimacy. Showing love through physicality.
- Words of Affirmation – Being told that you’re loved, or having someone tell you how wonderful they think you are and why.
- Acts of Service – Having your partner do something you don’t want to do or that needs to be done as a way of showing love
- Giving/Receiving Gifts – Pretty self explanatory, but feeling someone’s love for you based on physical gifts or experiences they offer.
So oddly enough, the primary way that I like to receive love is words of affirmation. I love hearing someone gush about how wonderful they think I am. Nothing makes me feel more loved. However, one of the best ways I know how to give love is through gifts and acts of service.
You may find it’s a different mix with different partners. You might need to express your love differently within different relationships.Part of showing someone you care is to put in the effort to learn a new love language to mesh with them. But if you haven’t, I do recommend you look into these 5 love languages. It offers a lot in the way of learning how to communicate with your loved ones. This will be helpful in any relationship you’re in – if you get back with your ex, or you move on to someone new. You can even use it in friendships and in interactions with your family.
So, now that we’ve covered why your ex may have taken you for granted, we are going to discuss…
How Can I Make Him See My Worth If We’re Already Broken Up?
What’s the best way to make someone realize what they’re missing? Disappear from their life completely so they face the reality of a life without you.
That’s right – No Contact is the first step. Shocker, huh?
Your ex is used to spending time with you on a pretty regular basis. So when a relationship ended it’s likely that he was not fully prepared for the reality of what a life without you would be like. So instead of being readily available the best thing you can do is make him live with the consequences of his actions. Go full No Contact
Think about it – if you were his girlfriend, you offered him a lot. It’s likely that you did things for him that he didn’t even think of on a daily basis. Instead of sharing the duty of washing dishes or walking the dog, he now has to do those by himself.
I’ve mentioned before that men and women handle breakups differently. Women tend to mourn right away, while men tend to not understand the full gravity of the breakup until later on. Taking their partners for granted tends to be a part of that. But as time passes, and you do more and more things alone that the two of you used to do together, it makes sense that a sense of loneliness and regret might set in. I know in all of my breakups, I’ve done a No Contact period, though it was before I found EBR so I didn’t call it that, and it wasn’t to get my ex’s back, but rather to take the time and space to heal. And guess what? Each and every time, I’ve gotten some version of an “I miss you” communication some time shortly after.
So though it may seem counter-intuitive, the best thing you can do it cut off contact and let the time and space work its magic. It’s true that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Now, don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t just happen. You can’t just sit and wait for him to come crawling back to you. There is still work you have to do. Time and space is absolutely needed, but, if your goal is to get your ex back, there are other things that will help to push the process along.
Using No Contact To Show Him What He’s Lost
If you haven’t taken some time away from your ex to heal and improve, then I have some SHOCKING news for you… You might be REINFORCING his tendency to take you for granted if you try and stay connected with your ex as if nothing happened.
Here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery, it is no secret that you should use distance and time to create a feeling of loss and regret in your ex. You are probably not new to the term No Contact. In fact, I’m betting if you are searching for answers to this problem on the web, we are probably not the only site you’ve landed on. So, I am certain you have probably seen this term already in your endeavors. But I am betting that you haven’t seen No Contact laid out the way our team does No Contact.
Check out the way WE do it HERE before you do ANYTHING else!
During your No Contact period, you should focus on working on improving yourself and your life. Do things that you didn’t have time for when you were in a relationship. Take that pottery class you’d been thinking about signing up for. Now is the time to put that time and energy on yourself. And post that stuff on social media for your ex boyfriend and his sphere of influence to see! Show off the fact that you are doing things you’ve always talked about wanting to do. Showcase the things you know he liked and appreciated about you And definitely show that you are off going out and having fun! I’s important that when he decides to check in on you that he doesn’t get the impression that you have just been wallowing in self-pity since the break up.
No one wants someone who makes one person their entire life. That’s a lot of pressure and it’s not attractive. And, there is truth that people don’t want something easily attainable. But, by creating the space between you and your ex and showing that you are happily living your life, it will automatically make them view you as unattainable.
So, if you combine the concept of time and space and showing off all of your positive improvements on social media, then you’ve mastered the No Contact period. Soon your ex boyfriend should feel your absence and begin missing you if he hasn’t already. Not only is the goal to make him feel like he’s losing you, you need to emphasize that by making him feel like he’s also missing out on the person you are becoming and the future you are creating.
And you can bring that same tactic into the interactions that you have with your ex boyfriend once you make your first contact. Don’t be too available and answer his texts or calls right away – or sometimes, even at all. When you interact, be sure to show off your positive qualities – especially the things you know he liked about you.
One of the most effective parts of getting an ex boyfriend back is making him regret taking you for granted. And the key to that is using your No Contact period correctly.
So maybe this Buffy quote doesn’t exactly line up with taking things for granted… in a relationship, but the overall sentiments are still the same. Plus, it’s funny:
“You know … you take the killing for granted. And then it’s gone, and you’re like, ‘I wish I’d appreciated it more’ … stopped and smelled the corpses, you know?” – Spike, “Where the Wild Things Are”
The main point is, you don’t realize what you have until it’s gone. That’s how it works with losing anything… a job, a friend, or a relationship.
As I mentioned, men tend to take their female partners for granted. They also have a tendency to process breakups differently, not fully understanding the weight of the loss until they’ve been without it for a while.
So what do you do about it?
Implement the magic formula: Time + Space + Change. The time and space that the No Contact period offers will automatically create the natural setting for your ex boyfriend to miss you, simply by forcing him to face the reality of a life without you.
And by making improvements and focusing on yourself over the No Contact period, you accomplish healing – which, honestly, is the most important part of the Ex Recovery process. No one wants to be miserable forever. And by indirectly reminding your ex boyfriend of your positive qualities, that, in conjunction with the reality of not having you anymore, is the perfect recipe to get him back into your arms.
The appropriate next question should be…
“Will No Contact alone make him regret taking me for granted AND come back?”
and the answer is… no!
I know right?
That’s frustrating, I know. But the truth is yeah it will probably make him regret it, since you’ve put effort into creating a life that will peak his interest. However, if you want him to come back or not go right back to taking you for granted… you have to be able to create a functional back and forth style of communication. And, if you want to do that in a way that has been PROVEN to work, you should follow it up with the steps laid out in Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro. Or, if you aren’t quite sure yet about diving headfirst into a program that works (check out these EBR Success Stories), you should read this article, “What To Do After No Contact.”
Alright, so now that you know how to make your ex regret taking you for granted and you have the resources to know what to do AFTER No Contact, let’s talk about YOUR breakup in particular. I mean, we have written articles on almost every situation we have ever come across and, for the most part, every person that comes here thinks that they are an exception to the rules or perhaps that we haven’t touch on a specific situation that they are dealing with already. And you know what, even though we have dealt with a LOT of situations, you may have something unique that we haven’t covered. And we don’t want to leave you in that situation. We want to help! So, In the comments below, tell me about your breakup and we’ll help teach you how to make him know your worth and realize what he’s lost.
I want to know:
- The details of your breakup. Exactly HOW did he take you for granted.
- What you’ve done since the breakup.
- And what actions you are going to take after reading this article.